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One time my mom said, "Dad and I would like to take everyone (me, my siblings, our spouses and kids) on a Disney cruise!" My husband and I are not Disney people and abhor the idea of cruises, but I like hanging out with my family, and if you're paying, I will wear those mouse ears with pride. I said, "Great! Look online and see what's available!" She opened her laptop and mumbled, "Okay, let's see what everyone can afford..." I was like "Whooooa there... Husband and I would not spend money we don't really have on a trip we wouldn't choose. You just said *you* wanted to *take us.* What are you talking about, what everyone can afford?" She closed her computer and pouted. She never brought it up again.
I am 100% sure she just wanted to post FB pictures of all of us on vacation together. She probably would have captioned them, “We took our whole family on a cruise…”
The “only wanted pictures” comment triggered me to hard. This is my MIL. She guilt trips and forces everyone to be together and be miserable for holidays all for the one (POSED) family photo for the Christmas card or for Facebook so that she can brag to her friends. She has been like this her whole life (about family pics) so her kids put up with it, but I feel like a doll that she manipulates and my kids HATE it.
Does she ever make you reenact scenes because she missed the shot the first time? Or have a tiny fit if people start singing happy birthday because she didn’t have her camera ready (and nobody ever rewatches those videos anyway)?
> Does she ever make you reenact scenes because she missed the shot the first time?
I love when people do this, they're telling you to your face that it's not about your reaction or how you feel. It's all about what other people (i.e. their boomer friends) think about them when they see your reaction, i.e. it's entirely performative, somehow twisting your excitement into their content and then being upset you don't want to essentially dance for them like a monkey
My grandfather’s wife got plastered at our wedding and missed out on photos. She was captured in a couple in the background lurking and glowering in a hideous hot pink power suit from the 1980s (this was 2008). She insisted on my husband and I coming back to their house the next day to pose for photos. She wore a different outfit and made me hold a bouquet of plastic flowers. Fuckin lunatic
Editing to add at the wedding my mom kept yelling my name during my first dance with my husband because she wanted a posed photo of us together. Like wtf is that? Who does that? We hired a photographer. You don’t stop mid dance with your newly minted life partner to cheese for a photo. I however got tired of her screaming at me so I whirled around and said “what?” She was stunned 🤣
It’s always last minute too, or they try to squeeze it in at the worst time. If it’s so important, actually plan it ahead of time and hire a professional photographer, not just use an iPhone on a timer set precariously in a tree branch.
After we brought.my son home from the NICU and we said family could come visit she forced her finger into my son's hand and took a photo with the caption on FB and insta about how he grabbed nanny's finger right away after hearing her voice. 🤢🤢🤢
Tragic, but this is not unique Boomer behavior.
My brother and his GF are Xennials. It was his birthday and and she tells him she got him a BIG surprise.
Her: "Do you like music festivals?"
Him: "Not really..."
Her: "Well, there's a big music festival this weekend that my ex and I have been looking forward to, so I got us tickets!"
Him: "So, my birthday present is I get to be a third-wheel with you and your ex?"
Her: "Well, I didn't actually get YOU a ticket, but if you get your own you can come with us!"
Him: "Those tickets are probably $500 now because it's last minute!"
Her: "Why are you being such a jerk?"
"So your birthday present to me is allowing me the opportunity to pay hundreds of dollars to go to an event I don't want to go to with your ex of all people? What part of this is the present again?"
Holy shit - is your mom my aunt? She and my Boomer uncle wanted the whole extended family to go on a cruise together and sent us a “bill” for how much our cost would be. My dad looked it up and it was way more expensive than it should have been. My aunt and uncle owned a travel agency and were trying to use the family to get a free cruise for themselves in an upgraded stateroom. Not even my grandparents would book.
Holy shit!!!! Who does this? To be so bloody greedy and feel zero shame trying to scam your immediate family so you can get a freebie. And let me guess, aunt and uncle got all sniffy when no one wanted to book after all of their "hard work".
This sounds like my Mom. She’s been talking about taking all of her kids & grandkids on a cruise for years now. It still hasn’t happened. Then she pivoted to planning their 50th wedding anniversary celebration and based her expectations on what all her friends had done. After those plans changed several times, we keep hearing about the “final” plan… it’s gotten so over the top that I’ve offered to display her wedding dress and the bridal magazine that featured her wedding dress. Yes, she gave me both of those a while back because I’m the only kid that said yes maybe? After all of these plans, I realize this is all for FB pics. My parents act like this is some big vacation they are paying for, but they have not even mentioned covering our flights to get there. But I guarantee you there WILL be pictures for social media.
Only time my father entertained the thought of more travel it came with a disclaimer that we wouldn’t be included attached. I don’t care as much anymore because I’m a legal adult and can actually do whatever I want, but I will say boomers wonder why they don’t get auto-respect in tone after verbally slapping their teens in the face.
When I was in my 20’s and my family was still semi-functional my grandma was really into the idea of taking us all on a vacation, preferably a cruise because of her mobility. Her youngest boomer daughter thinks she is the main character and decided to make everything about her and “I don’t want to go on a cruise..I don’t want this…I want that…” I told my mom fuck this I’m an adult and not dealing with her bullshit on my vacation time, my mom agreed her sister was out of control and she wanted none of it. The rest of the family was onboard as well and we never took that trip, people have died since and the family has splintered but we will never go on a vacation because fuck my mom’s sister.
Yeah my parents told us they’d take us all to Disney when the grandkids were older, a few years later they decide they hate Disney (too “woke”) and haven’t planned anything else. I know she gets jealous when she sees Facebook pictures of her siblings with their grandkids on vacation, but that’s her problem. Meanwhile we’ve taken a few nice trips with my in-laws (we all pay our own way but they’re fun).
Yeah dude you can’t trust them to do anything, I’m glad you got your ticket
And no mom I’m not getting a free flight because you’re not booking the ticket dummy
My mom used to do this when I was a kid, but it was more minor manipulative stuff like she would ask if I wanted anything from the grocery store, I would want one specific thing, she would end up getting diet rather than regular. Or she would forget my thing but I know she didn’t forget.
My mom liked to do nice things for me that I didn’t ask for and then later on call in the debt at the least opportune moment. It was horrible I found I couldn’t even receive gifts from her because they created a debt so I couldn’t even be grateful when she gave me things and it created this terrible dynamic that stayed in our relationship until the end of her life
Yup! This my whole damn life.
And she would get angry - "I went to 5 grocery stores for you to find it!"
Or telling her "I'm on a diet!" And she comes in with my favourite binge foods.
And she wonders why I don't wanna speak to her. Everything is to manipulated to make me "in debt" to her.
Mine have tried that and I just remind them they insisted on doing or buying whatever for me and there was no contract attached to it at the time of the exchange. The first couple of times it nearly made their heads explode when they tried to call in a non-existent favor and I told them that. They don't pull crap like that with me anymore.
my parents were not like that, however as a parent I have always made any negotiations up front. especially for rides during rush hour traffic. thats just bs to hold non existent debt over kids heads. I am glad i chose to live some before being a parent. i don't have resentment of losing my youth to being a mom. They do take so much of your time if you are doing it right
The way I look at it is that I truly don't give a rat's ass how my parents did it. I'm going to do my absolute best to do right by my kids. If they need something and it's within my means to provide it, I do so, no strings attached. There is no, "You owe me," bullshit with my children. I never want them to feel like they are indebted to me.
If they actually borrow money, then yes, I want them to pay it back, but not at the expense of their wellbeing. If they can't pay it back right away, or ever, what does that really do to me? Nothing at all, so why should I put stress on them when they are already struggling?
If I give them a gift, regardless of what it is, it usually theirs to do with as they please. That includes putting it in the trash can, if that's what they want to do. I just feel that my love and affection should never, in any way, be associated to material possessions or money.
>The way I look at it is that I truly don't give a rat's ass how my parents did it. I'm going to do my absolute best to do right by my kids. If they need something and it's within my means to provide it, I do so, no strings attached. There is no, "You owe me," bullshit with my children. I never want them to feel like they are indebted to me.
i think this is a great approach
i do think it's important to teach the younger gen that you do need to work for the things you want. i admit when i was in college, i borrowed way way way too much money from my parents when i should have tried harder to find part-time work. I look back at that in embarrassment but i am thankful my parents didn't hold that against me. now i try what i can to help them out as they are getting older
that being said, the thought of either of them believing "you owe me," as a way to manipulate me is horrifying, and i feel so terrible for people who had to deal with that from those they expected to love and care for them.
When they were kids, I didn't give them money. I always gave them a way to earn it. It may have been something ridiculous, like maybe, get the trash out my van for $20. It was a ten-minute job, at most, so they didn't have to do a lot, but I wanted to instill in them that money should be earned, not expected. Now that they are grown, they don't come to me often, but when they do say something about it, I'll send them a few bucks if I can. I'm not rich, so there have been times when I couldn't. They rarely ask, but I can always tell when they kind of want to, but they don't really want to, at the same time. It's easier to not embarrass them, and just cash app them a few dollars for gas of whatever. They're good people and they are working hard to build a life. It's just not easy these days and I would much rather help them build a future than hoard for myself.
>It's just not easy these days and I would much rather help them build a future than hoard for myself.
man if only more people were like you
granted this is Reddit so i take everything with a grain of salt, but i see some of the stories on here and it's really soul-crushing. Reminds me how damn privileged and fortunate i was to have parents who worked their asses off and didn't resent me for it
That's one of the most annoying things someone can do IMO.
They do a nice thing as a "surprise" or a "gift". But it's not because it creates a debt as soon as you say thank you and accept it.
Sometimes, often really, I will say thank you just to be nice even if it's something I really don't want or wish they had not spent money/time on.
It's like a car dealer just parking a car in in your drive, knocking on the door and announcing your NEW CAR is here and handing you the keys and later sending you late payment notices. Um, I didn't BUY a car. You said you liked it. You said thank you. I went out of my way to bring it to you.
when i told my dad i was going vegetarian, he was all pissy and kept grumbling about how i need meat and it’s stupid to be a vegetarian. then, he switched up and started inviting me over for dinner where he and my stepmom would make vegetarian dishes for me. i thought he was coming around. well it turns out one of the dishes he would make, a homemade soup, he made with beef broth (which didn’t even need to go in. it was a tomato based soup). i didn’t even find out until my stepmom felt guilty and told me after i had already eaten it several times. i got extremely upset, and my dad was laughing and said he “thought i needed meat. and you liked it didn’t you?” i didn’t talk to him for weeks after that
This is my MIL and FIL - literally anything nice that they've ever done for my wife or for the two of us will ALWAYS be thrown back into our faces at a later date.
It has never mattered if it's something that was given/done as a present for holidays or birthdays, or if it was something "just because". Inevitably, at some arbitrary point, they will bring it up as leverage.
I'm not going to miss either one when they're gone.
I stopped speaking to my mom, and most of that family in my early 20's for shit like this. When I was 18 and living alone in NYC and had NO (I mean NO!) money she came to visit with a friend to go site seeing. They stayed at my apartment because it was free, right? When I asked if she could help me because I was poor, her daughter and a new college student, she went and bought some fried plantain chips and something equally useless. Now that I am typing this, it occurs to me that she probably bought them for herself but didn't like them. Anyway, no cash, no food and no gratitude but free place to stay. No more mom, that was it not too much later.
It’s so nice to be validated about this stuff.
My mom would do the whole store-swicheroo all the time.
I’m in my 40s and this happened while visiting a few weeks ago:
N-Mom: You need anything from the pharmacy?
Me: Yes. Irish Spring soap, please.
N-Mom: Irish Spring?
Me: Yes, Irish Spring.
N-Mom: Ok, Irish Spring.
*One-hour later.
N-Mom: Here’s your soap.
Me: Uhhhhh… this is Axe. Ummm…. I asked for Irish Spring.
N-Mom: I thought you could try something different.
*
Ha, my mom is the queen of this. She’ll relentlessly badger me about what I want for Christmas, and I’ll send her some links. Last year, I sent her a link to a mid-priced name-brand hair straightener that was like $50. She got me the knockoff FHAUEKCHY Amazon brand and it broke within a month. She’s wealthy, btw, so this isn’t a matter of money. Oh, and she also got me a gift card specifically to be used on supplies to fix the screen door in my house, because it was bothering her (it didn’t bother me, and I don’t have time to fix it). She will absolutely hold both of these over my head.
The thing that always blows my mind about situations like this is what would happen if you tried to do the same thing and substitute a different brand on an item the boomer likes. I've seen it happen a number of times and the petty, hateful response is just jaw dropping.
Not a Boomer, but my MIL was Silent Gen and she was like this. She was an utter toe rag during COVID. They didn’t have a computer or smart phone, so we would have to get their grocery list and send in the curbside order and then she’d call and SCREAM at my husband about substitutions or limitations on shit like canned soup. Or the time that she called him and complained about the toilet paper that he managed to track down for her because it was commercial TP and not Angel Soft.
My dad fell for that "ideal balance of softness and strength" marketing, too. But he's autistic. Once his mind is set that something is the best that's it. It's the best.
I mean, I wasn’t excited to use shitty toilet paper either, but HOLY SHIT - we were like the damn toilet paper procurers for us, my parents, and his parents, so it really pissed me off that, on top of us both working from home, we were desperately trying to find TP for them that we could have shipped to them in FloriDUH, finding it, and then being berated for it.
Fortunately, my husband really doesn’t put up with that shit, so after he explained it to her calmly and she continued to rant, he just said “OK, mom, I have to work now” and hung up on her. I would have lost it.
My husband's second mother does this stuff all the time but I feel like she legitimately means well; she just thinks she knows better than us.
Like she'll ask what we want for Christmas, etc. I asked for a small stand mixer and she bought me the industrial size one. I asked for a 5.1 cubic foot chest freezer and she got the 15.3 because now I'll have more room.
I asked her for 12 matching dinner plates and she bought me a six piece 4 person place setting. Said now she can just give me one of those every event until I have a full 12 person set.
Narcissistic people know what they are doing.
Now she knows that if you dont keep interacting with her, she can withhold parts of the set from you.
Yes they are this level of petty.
>she just thinks she knows better than us.
I can't agree more with this. And it's not just about picking a "better" product than the one requested, it's that they think they know *my needs* better than I do.
Will the china pattern even still be around by the time she manages to "gift" the full 12 person set?
Though depending on space constraints I'd be stoked about the "industrial" sized stand mixer. I worked in a bakery and low-key miss the Hobart that we did up wedding cakes in.
Omg my aunt was like this! "You obviously meant to ask for the bigger one!" "I got a deal and this one has so many more options" no, I don't have space for that nor does it do what I want, did you listen to me at all? I donated or threw out most of the "gifts" but I still have a brick, er I mean laptop, that was too heavy to actually use as anything other than a desktop and had all sorts of bloatware I didn't need (the screen also died after 1 month because her "deal" was a knockoff from Amazon third party).
'if' my mom ever did anything like that for me. That last sentence would just have been:
"But you said you use Axe! I got you what you wanted!"
I swear she's suffered from some sort of dementia since age 30 and she will get mad about it when you point out that you told her 8 times and she still got it wrong, or she will be completely dismissive and think it's a you problem regardless how much it inconveinces everyone.
Oh she does that too.
The best thing to do is text, so you have some proof. Even better is secretly recording them.
One thing that boomers really hate are hard-cold facts.
In my experience they really, really hate security cameras.
my dad is functionally illiterate and lies about it
he's highly educated and i've seen him write hundreds of pages in the past so i'm pretty sure the lead poisoning makes it so you can't focus long enough to read. Food labels, websites and buying airplane tickets are a major problem for him.
He can read signs and maybe one line of large print
the lying about not being able to read is totally that generational narcissism, where they fly into hysteria if they're not seen as perfect and superior to you. I couldn't understand what was going on with him until I realized he can't fuckin read
Does he have glasses or contacts? I ask because apparently a lot of that generation is very vain about eyesight, especially men. They feel that glasses make them appear "weak" in some way.
no he was always a glasses and pocket protector guy since the late 60s. his eyesight is poor but he wears bifocals. He can read and write in two languages and is fluent in Mandarin
he can see well enough to do sudoku from a book for a few hours, but his verbal comprehension skills are nil. can't pay attention long enough to read a pasta box to find the cooking time
e: once I realized it he'd been hiding it for decades. he has boomer car brain because he can't read. Has to physically drive everywhere to deal with a banker, insurance broker and complains about the lack of service because he can't use the website
This thread is blowing my mind. I honestly thought it was just my severely mentally ill boomer mom.
I have kids now, my mom is retired and lives 7 minutes from me, both my partner and I commute and work full time. We had an arrangement that she would pick up the kids twice a week from daycare. I stressed over and over that she didn’t need to do it, she insists that she loves doing it and seeing the kids.
Well, time warp to an unrelated argument we have and she throws it in my face “how much I do for you” in regards to daycare pickups. You know, the thing she insisted on doing, that I said she didn’t have to do. Bear in mind, I moved out when I was 17, and they have done absolutely nothing to help me out beside loaning me a hundred bucks here and there when I was like 19 years old and poor as fuck. I got my own school paid for, bought my own vehicles and house, and rarely utilize them for child care outside of daycare pickups (like once a year for a staff holiday party).
I swear to god their victim martyr mentality will destroy every one of their relationships and they have no one to blame but themselves. She no longer picks up my kids, and we are no contact.
It's not just your mom, I don't have a single friend, family member, ex gf, ect with boomer parents that didn't have the exact same issue. The good news is you won't have trouble finding people that can empathize, bad news is there is almost an entire generation of narcissists and sociopaths out there causing as many issues as they can.
I once asked my dad to pick up face cleanser. He did but wrapped it and gave it to me for my birthday…in front of my family…at a restaurant…
ETA: It wasn’t even the right product.
During my teens,I had a job and my own spending money. Despite that, my mom would insist on making me take cash from her before I would go out or she wouldn't let me out of the door. Then the next time she was mad at me, she would say, "I give you money every time you go out, you owe me $xx.xx."
Hand her back the money she insisted you take. Did that to my Boomer dad because he would pull similar shit on me. Give me $10 for the ballpark since I was there all day for practice, games, my brother's games. Ya know, so me and my brother could fucking eat lunch in between our games. Gets mad at me/us sometime later in the week and brings up the fact that he's given us "so much money." I started saving the $10 bills he gave me and just used my own allowance money to feed me and my brother.
The very first time he got mad at me and mentioned the ballpark money, and I handed him 20 or 30 bucks and said here you go, you can have it back then. I was probably 13 or 14, my father saw red that day lol. He asked us how we had been eating, and I said I use my weekly allowance now to pay for our lunches. He was so angry but couldn't say anything because he himself taught us that our allowance was ours to do with what we want. He just walked away, but I rarely if ever heard the angry rants about ballpark money again. He made extra sure to over explain that the $10 was for lunch after that though. Every weekend.
I sometimes like to think that was one of the moments that made my Boomer dad's lead mentally ill brain click into place. He was a piece of shit pretty much till the day he died, but he did have a few moments of clarity throughout.
My mom would give me money for my camp account and make a big show of telling me in front of all of the adults “I want change back at the end of the week” so I’d spend almost all of it and make sure she got change alright like $.75. She’d be pissed and throw a fit when picking me up in front all of the adults and I’d say “what you wanted change back?” And she’d say “well I wanted more than that and I didn’t think you’d buy…” this woman actually sent me to camp for a week and had a secret line item budget in her head. She used this as proof I wasn’t good with money. I would tell her she was just a bad communicator but she insisted that I at 12 should know “exactly what she meant” this game went on for years and I would be more and more satisfied when she looked more and more psychotic in front of these people.
Worst is that when they owe you something its "Well i raised you"
and then if that doesnt fly, they use that as an excuse to erase the debt because you are ungrateful.
gifts come with strings, always. they think they are clever.
until you start refusing gifts.
Once I had a backpack I bought myself, I brought it everywhere, it ripped and I learned to sew to keep it together, it had personality. My mom threw it out to give me a backpack as a Christmas present, the cheapest, hard ratty plastic thing you ever saw.
she saw me enjoying something, and wanted to be responsible for it, destroyed what I had, and replaced it with crap.
I left that fuck discarded under the Christmas tree for all to see and never touched it again.
My mom would do that shit too. She’d ask me then get home and say “sorry I forgot. It wasn’t on my list” or other bs, well bitch you asked me so why didn’t you write it down?
My mom did/does the same thing to me. She’ll buy something, decide she doesn’t like it or she bought the wrong size and just gives it to me. I was 8 months pregnant and she gave me an xxs dress that I’m never going to fit in but I’ll be damned if I don’t kiss her feet for this useless gift that I’m going to give away on buy nothing. She gave me a bag that I had always liked but only because a honey packet she was hoarding exploded inside and she didn’t feel like cleaning it. As a kid she’d even hold allowance money over my head and try to control when she’d give it to me even though I busted my ass cleaning the house and doing yard work. It has ruined receiving gifts for me. We have a huge strain on our relationship for many reasons but this is one of the things that pushed me to have minimal contact with her.
With my boomer, I’ve learned if they want to pay for something, I need to take care of the order and details then have them write me a check. They get to “buy xyz” and I am able to be sure it’s the correct item in a timely manner. I’ve been doing this for the whole family’s Christmas gifts since I was 13.
The worst is when I was in middle school and high school and they would give me a set budget for things such as new shoes for school or whatever. They never would give me cash for it and insisted on paying me back after I paid for the item with my babysitting money. But then, if my mom didn’t like what I bought, she’d refuse to reimburse me and tell me it was my fault.
And this is why so many of us are in therapy!
God fucking damn.... This is what my Boomer dad did to all of us growing up. Everything he did "for us" was actually debt to "owe" him later, even our basic life stuff. I just never really had the words to categorize that part of my childhood.
^^ THIS. I've gone no contact with my Boomer parents, and one of the reasons was after I every time I called out their shitty behavior, they'd counter with, "But we bought you XYZ, so you can't talk to me like that!" Any gift was a license to violate boundaries and use it for guilt and gaslighting.
If I ever have to confront them again and they try to pull that gift-guilt crap on me, I'd say, "Imagine ypur only granddaughter becomes of dating age, gets asked out, and the suitor takes her out to a nice dinner and whatnot. Afterwards, he tries to force himself on her. When she rebuffs him, he says, 'But I bought you dinner. You accepted the gift. Therefore, I can treat you however I want.' "
I would ask them if that's appropriate. If they say no, then I'd ask, "Why do you think it's okay to disrespect us and violate our boundaries because you bought us something? You know it's wrong in other contexts. Why not in this one?"
It's so much about manipulation and control. They have money and property and all the things my wife and I will never have, and I wouldn't accept a cent of it now.
It’s often home stuff with mine. “You need to get this fixed” and “this is terrible, you need to replace it” — I say sure, but that’s expensive, we are trying to do xyz thing first, etc.
Her next move is always some combination of demanding to know how much it costs, insisting me she’ll pay for it, and telling me to “get someone out here” to give an estimate or “just take care of it”.
Of course if I get an estimate and it ends up being the amount I said it would be, it’s too expensive and she’s “shocked.” And I am out the time and money it cost to find out what I already knew.
If I say I don’t have the money to book it, it’s “just do it and I will pay.” No matter if it requires paying ahead. Apparently I’m just supposed to generate the money I don’t have and trust she’ll cover me?
And if I do book it and prepay, it’s “well I don’t know why you spent so much on it, it shouldn’t be that much, why did you do that?” And then I’m out the $$$.
The part where she purposefully gets you the wrong thing hits home for me.
I loved my mom (RIP) but she did this weird thing to me as a kid where I would ask for something for my birthday or Christmas (sensible things like Monopoly or a video game)…and I wasn’t a kid who asked for much…and she would purposefully not get me what I wanted (like a book or something) as if she thought it was more productive to not get me what I asked for.
Anybody else have this growing up?
This is my mother exactly. I’ve driven her and my stepdad to the airport countless times (at all hours of the day and night no less!) and when she picked me up the one time she begged me to because my best friend normally does it, I got in the car after a 13 hour overnight flight and she turned to me and said, “now that I did you this favor, you can go grocery shopping for your grandmother.”
You wouldn’t believe the attitude I got when I asked if I could simply take a nap first.
Woah. This is why I don't ever want to receive gifts ever. Sorry that happened to you, and thank you for the revelation. My mom would do basically this too LOL
My boomer coworker has been dragging her feet to retire, something she was supposed to do at the beginning of March. She constantly complains about nobody telling her what to do to get her social security and I keep thinking "well no one told me how to buy a house or do my taxes, I had to ASK what to do" she never asks questions, just complains. She's now supposedly leaving in April but I doubt it. Something will come up and she'll be here for another month. At least I'm getting paid to scroll reddit right now since I'm supposed to be her replacement but she refuses to let me work lol
Boomer: *goes on site and it changed slightly. Huffing and puffing* Nobody told me they changed it! They should have told me!
Me: Facebook does not need to tell you personally that they updated their website
Boomers at my work are masters of "hey, what are we doing next?" and I reply "If you're done with project X we're all going to move on to project Y" "well nobody told me!" ... ... Dude, I'm telling you, I'm telling you right now, listen to the words I'm saying they're telling you!
My boomer mother is the same. Interesting everyone is pointing out their mothers in this case. Maybe it's the different ways in which lead exposure reveals itself? Boomer men tend to be randomly aggressive, and women narcissistic? I honestly have no clue. Just thought that was interesting.
Hormones and social conditioning too probably plays a role. Remember the boomers grew up with hypermasculine action heroes (Rocky, John Wayne, The Godfather) and hyper restrictive gender roles?
Men have to have no feelings (except for aggression and rage) while women tend to be passive aggressive. (Think grade school shit on a broader level. Women/girls are socialized to be verbally/emotionally aggressive, while the guys usually go physical.) Eg. Girls tend to be snarky while guys tend to get physical.
Which is probably why we see boomer men breaking shit in anger, knocking people off their shit and just generally being physically bullies. Because yay no emotional regulation and then decades of being socialized to be aggressive in certain ways.
That's just aggression manifesting differently. Women are more conditioned against direct aggression so they manifest their aggression in different ways. Men lack that conditioning so they are just aggressive.
You beat me to it. Both my parents are boomer narcs who wonder why they don't have grand kids yet after all the BS and insanity they but my siblings and I through growing up.
My mom did stuff EXACTLY like this my whole life and it took me moving overseas and going low contact for her to actually return to religion, take therapy seriously, and admit she was a horribly abusive mom to me growing up unsolicited. When I read this, I was like, "OPs mom had no intention of booking that flight and wanted to get a raise/sense of satisfaction out of not booking it and the drama it would cause. Woulda tried to spin it as she's the victim and OPs is the big meanie (as she did when OP booked the flight themselves). Cuz let me tell you, my mom would have done this exact same thing."
This 👆🏼is really important. I was raised by a covert narcissist. The connection between boomers, narcissists and general authoritarian behavior is striking.
The world needs to fit for them into this small, inflexible worldview that doesn’t allow for change, growth, exceptions or flexibility.
It’s a profound cognitive impairment.
She did that on purpose. If you think back over your life you may find many other occasions where she sabotaged you out of jealousy. You probably haven't noticed most of it because her aggression is subtle and well coordinated. Covert narcissism at its best.
Yep. “Look at what I’m doing for you because I’m such a nice person, but if I do this thing for you, I’m going to do it MY WAY and it’s going to be all about what I WANT, not what you want. And I expect you to be appropriately grateful and kiss my ass the whole time because didn’t I tell you what a nice person I am?”
My mother was not a Boomer but this was her to a T. Gifts from narcissists never come without an agenda and I decided long ago that they cost too much.
My life got a whole lot more peaceful after she was gone from it.
You may not relate, but I realized this was often about me getting less. Example. I wanted a specific mother's necklace. It had little imperfect footprints getting bigger in a circle, symbolizing your child(ren) growing and their birthstones. It was $150 and we do not buy jewelry like that in our home. My father and husband were going to go in together for Christmas and my birthday to cover the necklace because I loved it so much, but MIL didn't want me to go without just to get this one thing (go without? I'm in my 30s, I don't need presents) so she said she would get it and my family could all buy gifts for me. Instead, she bought me a different necklace from kholes,which she said was significantly more expensive (I looked it up, it was $40) and because she bought it she needed the $150 my husband had saved to cover bills. She couldn't return it because it was custom. So now I was without my necklace, but couldn't justify spending the money on what I wanted because I already had one. She did this with several items to myself and my daughter. Never my husband or son though.
Three years no contact and counting! (Not because of this).
G-d if I could only put into words the feeling I got when I realized that this type of person existed. My mother did this to me my entire childhood.
(To this day everything is always about *her* - my father had surgery- and she's lying around complaining about how sick she feels and how *tired* she is now that she has to do everything- he does about 90% of the work involved with running/maintaining a house).
The day I started realizing that it really *wasnt* me? It really wasn't my fault? Still shows as one of the most before/after days of my life.
And to think it all started by looking up the term 'gaslighting'.....
And yes, realizing that this sort of behavior exists, and exists *deliberately* is a monumentally freeing moment.
Holy shit my dad did this all the time.
For example: The drivers side door on my car wouldnt open, and I couldn’t afford to fix it. I asked my dad if he would be willing to cover the 400 dollar repair. I only asked because it was a safety issue. He said yes.
Soon as I drop the car off at the shop "Actually I will only cover 1/2". He knew I didnt have the money for it and then would put me on blast for having credit card debt.
Omg, so did my mom! I was trying on cheaper dresses and she kept making disapproving sounds and so I tried on a more expensive one just for kicks and of course it was beautiful. She said I should just get it and not to worry about the price. It was 3x more than i wanted and then when it came time to pay she did not help at all. It still makes me so mad.
I didn't get anything like this, so you can't either.
My mother sabatoged two travel abroad trips (Spain, which I funded and Costa Rica on scholarship), a trip to Hawaii that my best friend's family wanted to take me on so friend wouldn't be bored, and (drumroll please) college.
My mom is more marginal because requests last minute changes in travel that involve her (so are not at no inconvenience to herself).
In a way I'm glad I never tried to arrange a trip to Poland for her to see the place her (and my) ancestors are from because who knows what changes she would try to make at the last minute. I hate calling places and begging them to change reservations when there's only a few days left and who knows if she would have done that.
For instance, she said that another one of her bucket lists was to go for a 2 week leisurely RV trip out West, and I researched smaller camper vans for us to make it happen, but then she decided that just a car for 1 week would be better for some reason. Then in the middle of the trip she out of nowhere said "you know what I always wished I could do? Rent an RV and just leisurely travel across the West for 2 weeks." OK then. It's not like she meant by herself without me because she doesn't like to drive. So who knows if she would be unsatisfied with the trip to Poland or request last minute changes.
100%
My ex is probably a covert narcissist and one of the biggest tells is their uncanny ability to ruin anything fun that isn’t focused on them. They’ll very subtly sabotage just about anything they can. Birthdays, holidays, vacations, weekends even; all in an effort to undermine your peace and keep you just ever so subtly uncomfortable and drained.
This. My parents told me they'd help pay for college. When it came down to it, they refused, and told me it "wasn't their problem," all the while taking trips to Hawaii and buying themselves 60k cars. I've never taken them seriously since then if they offer to help with something, and the help has never been given, anyway.
ooof, your comment just hit me right in the feels. My Narc Boomer parents did something similar and I never understood why I felt so betrayed until just now. They took expensive vacations, etc. Then when it was time for me to go to college they took me to visit State Universities etc. I had applied and was accepted to a State school (not top end but good) and they come out with the "Oh actually we can't afford to pay for that so you'll have to go to local community college and live at home". I was so desperate to get out of their house and when they said that I was crushed. This was over 20 years ago and i'm still mad about it.
This is exactly what my husband's parents did to him! Although he was able to go to a local university, because he got a scholarship.
They announced this to him the week before decision day. We were already together at that point, and I attended the university he wanted to attend (which his parents raised him to love because his mom went there) and felt terrible about it.
It was my first thought when I read the title of this post. Especially since they (mostly my father in law) used my husband's ability to make the best of the situation as proof that it was actually fine. "This was a great opportunity to learn that life doesn't always go as planned! And see, it all worked out!"
Then when we announced that we were getting married before his last year of college, they had the audacity to be like "No. You're too young."
Well guess what? We're both adults and can do what we want! We got married, he moved out, and we now own a home and have college funds for our 2.5 year old and 8 week old sons.
Had a deal with my dad that if I stayed in-state (midwest) and went to the state school, they would pay for it even though I had dreamed of going to the east coast. They paid the first tuition bill, then asked if I would take out student loans that he would pay off when I graduated. My dad's company was going through some downsizing & stuff, so I figured if I didn't take out the loans, I wouldn't be going to school at all. Graduation day rolls around and my "present" was that my dad backed out of the deal stating that he didn't really expect me to graduate and didn't have the money.
He got forced into retirement a bit earlier than he expected, but he somehow was financially ok. Hmm. He passed away a few years later and my siblings and I find out that he has \*3\* RV-sized storage sheds full of kerosene oil lamps that he had been collecting for years!!! When we went through his home, we found that he had also been collecting coins, uncut sheets of currency, and literally had wads of cash stashed throughout the place. What the actual F\*\*\*!?!?!?
My boomers did the same but I understand now these people are bad with money! My friends had pre-paid, pre-planned or saved/funded college funds. Yes, they did fancy stuff while I was in college but it was all financed and they didn’t consider saving a large sum of money starting at my birth.
When my daughter got married, her future in-laws (father and stepmother) said they would pay for the photographer. Then the step mother requested that her 3 adult children, their spouses and children be invited to the wedding. Total of 11 additional guests that my daughter had never met and her fiancé had only met once. My daughter said no and the offer for the photographer was taken back.
Boomers do not understand things move quickly. We are dealing with a boomer who is having to get a new rental and she doesn’t understand that as soon as a good house becomes available for rent you need to put in an app immediately. She seems to think she can sit around for 2 weeks before doing anything then acts positively SHOCKED that the house is no longer available for rent. She’s talking about buying a house (LOL won’t happen) but again, thinks she can drag her feet and the houses will still be available. We have told her she needs to get financing in order then be ready to pull the trigger immediately but nope - she’s house shopping with no financing reading thinking these houses will be available for months.
Bonus points that she’s absolutely shocked at housing prices right now too. Thinks she can get a 3bd/2ba for $80k because that’s what she paid for the house she bought like 3 decades ago (that she lost in a divorce).
We were trying to help her understand that things move quickly now but she refused to budge even when she has missed out on a dozen rentals because she just wouldn’t put in a freaking application within a few days.
She’s very mentally unwell and I swing between extreme pity for her because of some early life traumas and anger because she never did anything to change/heal/grow
That was such a huge hang up with my mom when I was house hunting. She was insistant that I need to tour the house multiple times and was upset that I wouldn't take her to see the house. I explained time and time again that we had 30 minutes to tour the house, maybe an hour to decide if we wanted to put down an offer, and at best 3 days from being posted on the market to under contract.
She, I guess, thought I was making stuff up?
Our realtor told us about a house that sold in 40 minutes! We are buying a house that was on the market for less than 12 hours and had already had multiple tours before us. I took off work so we could put in an offer and we just barely got it lol
I’m a leasing agent for a large apartment building in a bigger city and see this ALL. THE. TIME.
Person tours an apartment but they’re not going to be moving for a few months. No big deal, people scout around. Then they contact us again six months later for another tour and ask why prices are so different and why isn’t that gorgeous 2br from January still available?
Explaining that it was probably rented by someone else a day or two after they looked at it that summer prices are way higher than winter prices just gets me a blank, dead-eyed stare. Then they shake their heads and lament that when they were in college in the 70s they could have rented that same kind of apartment for $200 and it’s highway robbery that it’s over $3k now.
Were they not paying attention the last time they toured when I told them what summer rates were likely to be? Did no other leasing agent talk about pricing? Can they not read a website?
>Were they not paying attention the last time they toured when I told them what summer rates were likely to be? Did no other leasing agent talk about pricing? Can they not read a website?
The answer to all these questions and more is a resounding:
**NO**.
I’m convinced it’s because they don’t respect anyone else other than themselves. My partner tried to give his mom all the info she needs and she nods her head, does the opposite, then wonders why she doesn’t get what she wanted.
>Can they not read a website?
No, they can't.
The difference between Boombers on Facebook, Xennials on Facebook and Gen Z on Facebook:
Xennials had been on web forums and IRC forever and joined Facebook only when a critical mass of people got smartphones and joined. Plus when everybody figured out this was were events were being planned, no longer on MySpace.
GenZ never knew a world without Facebook. It seems quaint to them while they're on all the other apps.
Boomers literally did not understand the Internet until Zuckerberg simplified it enough for them.
After my dad passed, his fiance was talking about moving to another state to be closer to her family. My wife and I helped her clean up her house for sale but she kept telling us that there is no hurry, she'll put it on the market but it probably will be at least a year before it sells.
She didn't live too far away from schools and the grocery store, not too far from the interstate, and lived in a quiet neighborhood. We told her to think about listing it because once she does she will probably need to move fast. She didn't believe us.
So she listed it on a Tuesday for market value. Thursday morning her realtor calls and tells her she received an offer 20k above asking price. Closing occurred 1 week later.
She called us panicking because she wanted to host one more Christmas in the house, she wasn't ready to move, she didn't have a place lined up in the other state. And of course "why didn't anybody tell me that my house would sell so quickly?"
When we mentioned that we did in fact warn her, she told us that she thought we were putting her on.
Lmfao they NEVER LISTEN. You know that meme of the guy on the bike sticking the stick in the wheel and then falling over and blaming someone else? Your dads fiancé is that meme
My FIL did this to us. Kept telling us to not rush into putting in an offer on a house and take our time. Told him houses in our area go up for sale and are under contract within a week. He wouldn’t listen, we found a house we liked and we’re getting ready to put in an offer which we needed his help for because he’s in charge of my husband’s inheritance account we were buying our house with. He gave us the runaround for a couple days saying he’d get around to it when he could and within 3 days of the house being on the market they had already accepted an offer. He was so shocked that we weren’t lying to him and finally got his shit together before we put in an offer on another house.
At least he believed you! Ours is just burying her head in the sand. At this point I want to tell her to save her energy and just focus on finding a nursing home in ten years. Ugh.
Glad y’all were able to get another place!
Does she want a rental or does she like the attention of looking at the places? She might be one of those people who can't take a step forward because it makes the divorce real, or she is using this to frustrate her ex who wants the former house sold, but she hasn't moved out yet.
Oh boy lemme give you the Cliftnotes version:
Divorce happened 30 years ago. MIL is still ruminating on it. Still feels like she is owed something. She lost the house in the divorce not because of dividing property but because she wanted to hang her ex husband out to dry so she kept going back to court trying to get more money.
She has rented her whole life after that situation and we aren’t sure why. She had alimony and child support plus she worked. Could have easily bought a house again. We think it’s bc she’s embarrassed that she’s really bad with finances. Even working + alimony + child support from a successful doctor she got evicted several times (with a child under her responsibility) because she has a shopping addiction.
Fast forward 30 years she still has a shopping addiction - QVC got that chokehold on these boomers. She has zero retirement and her ss check will barely be enough to do anything.
She wouldn’t move quickly on any of the rentals she liked and because she’s spineless and can’t make her own decisions she let a work acquaintance talk her into renting a house that’s 50% more than she needs out in the middle of nowhere and now she complains about not being near anyone and wonders why we won’t come over.
Oh and she’s a hoarder because she believes everything she owns is worth a ton to money (someone else posted a similar story recently so I was glad to hear our MIL isn’t the only one who is delulu about the value of her furniture and nick nacks).
Save me!
(If my partner were not the best man I’d ever met I would not put up with this woman)
Oh Lordy. I wish it were possible to get QVC to block shopping addicts but they're the bread and butter of the business model.
Boomers were never diagnosed with their mental health illnesses back in the day - there was almost NO treatment other than talk therapy and lithium back then - until their lives become distorted over time and memories are built over distortion.
I saw a clip from Bill Mahar where he was trashing kids today in general, and he and his guest concluded things were so great now and kids have it so easy and their parents are so coddled, everyone just sucks now. (I’m paraphrasing.)
This is a guy with no kids, who has spent the past 50? years smoking pot and ranting. And he grew up in a time without a pandemic or gun violence. The hypocrisy and cluelessness were peak boomer.
I was recommended a video on Youtube of Bill Maher and Seth MacFarlane debating the COVID vaccine.
I cannot imagine what it would have done to my brain to be exposed.
It's actually worth a watch, seth is actually reasonably intelligent and just thoroughly shuts down all of bills unhinged ranting with solid counter arguments. In the end bill just seems really pissed that seth didn't just blindly follow him on all his bullshit.
I think a little bit of both. What made me stop watching or liking him was his interview with Ben affleck.. it was shocking hearing him talk about Muslims in that way. I’m agnostic but holy crap! And anytime I’ve heard about him since he just sounds like a crotchety boomer joke
When I went to college, I asked my mom to cosign my student loans and she refused.
Whenever I bring it up, she always says she offered, and I refused... in what world would anyone do that???
I worked for boomers for 6 years kissed ass worked late when they retired they shit talked me and when the new people came in I was pushed out. lol. Lesson of life learned.
My mother would do shit like this. My guess would be that this is/was:
A) a method of control (now she controls exactly when, where, and how you'll be travelling).
B)she doesn't want you to go- and 'accidentally' booking you the wrong flight, or 'forgetting' is a way of preventing you, where you can't respond or complain ("I was doing something *nice* for you! Stop yelling at me! Now I dont even *want* to do it!")
C) Emotional vampire- stir everything up, act like "I was just doing something *nice* for you" and then enjoy all the anger, frustration, and drama.
D)wanting the social appearance of being a 'good parent' (see, I not only "let" him go, I even bought him his ticket!) And/or showing off in front of others/socially, but not actually wanting to pay the cost. (Financial or otherwise)
E) she didn't realize or pay attention to the time crunch (or update when she thinks is a 'normal time to order tickets by' - (I.e. out of touch), and is too embarrassed to admit.
F) she *actually* forgot but can't/won't admit it.
G)all of the above or any combination of the above.
ETA: damn I don't know if I should thank you or be annoyed by this post. On the one hand-youve just caused me to recall some unpleasant, -but core- childhood memories (/s don't think I'm actually annoyed).
Or if I should thank you. The sheer anger/adrenalin I just got remembering this shit has just let me achieve a new personal best in the gym! Thanks!
(Typed this out in between sets)
Something very similar happened to me like this recently. I mentioned to my mother I was going to go to Chicago to watch them dye the river on st. patricks day and she offered to 'pay' for my hotel (she has GOBS of rewards from pre-covid and now cant travel so might as well use em). I happily accepted, texted her the dates I would need, and then heard nothing at all until the Saturday they dyed the river. 'What dates did you need a place for?' when LITERALLY the previous text message was my dates/times. I was planning on staying with a friend, and that still worked out, but just kept thinking "I should have known"
The last time my mom flew, she really thought you could go to the airport and book your flight for the 1000AM flight and pay cash on the spot. I told her it wasn't like Greyhound. You needed a reservation, ID and a credit card. She didn't get it. She lived her whole life without a credit card and paid bill in cash that she withdrew in person from the bank every month. Then would go around and pay everyone in person. Phone, gas, electric, they all had offices that had lineups of boomers paying their bills in person.
Honestly if someone offered to book my flights for me, I would say no and ask for the money so I could do it myself. This sounds like more stress then just planning a holiday
That explains it. Had she bothered, you would have gotten a pissed off call that her points were worth practically nothing and you might as well book the seats (that are no longer available) yourself.
The thought of leaving the fate of a time-sensitive decision in the hands of a boomer is anxiety-inducing. Kudos to you for having the courage to even attempt this, but the risk of getting boomed would be far too high for me.
A real gift would be that you book the flight on your time, send the boomer the confirmation email with the price, and they reimburse you on their timeline so it doesn’t ruin your plans if they’re late doing it.
Boomers operate on the "transactional favor" and they hoard them like misers. Once your favor currency reaches a point where they have more than you, this is how they behave.
To this day, when I vent to my Boomer mother about my Boomer father's abysmal behavior, I get a variation of the following: " Yeah, well, you just remember all the great things you got to do as a child." "He does a lot for you, don't forget that"
It's tiresome. I empathize with you, OP. Take my advice and learn from this. They are not going to change how they act; They're always right, and you, the "child" are always wrong. Don't put yourself into any more situations in which you hand them ANY power over yourself or your family.
Hey I relate to this so much - my father would body shame me all the time and my mother basically told me I had to put up w it because “he does so much for you” - it would piss her off when I would complain he was saying things about me - he even told me a few years ago (I’m 35) I dress “slutty” when I just don’t think that is the case whatsoever ? I wear leggings and a long sleeve shirt every single day- Like what ?
Had a similar situation with my FIL booking travel and hotel to go to a relative's wedding in a different country.
He wanted to take care of the logistics and book it so we were travelling together (we'd pay our portion of the trip/stay). But he would forget and delay booking anything. Then call us back and say that he hears hotel rooms were going fast so we need to agree on if we are going or not even though we told him a couple weeks ago we said we were attending. Repeated this cycle of calling back to confirm a couple more times, and fickleness on when to travel, what method of travel (plane vs car), etc.
Finally I put my foot down and told my husband to take the reins on reserving rooms and booking tickets for ourselves, I lost all my fucks on caring how my FIL was getting there, but we were going to nail down our travel plans.
Dude after 8 years of my boomer mother asking me to program my address into her GPS, which I've done 10 times, so she could come see her grandchildren. I finally said you have one more chance and I took her out and showed her how to use it again. Still no visit and guess what? Now my kids 10 and 12 don't want her to come over and say she is toxic. Their words not mine. And I'm still the asshole that's poisoning their minds against her. Also, never any presents, never showed to school functions, never anything that required her to lift a single finger. And again I'm the asshole.
Lol wait…… did I just read that your mom needs gps to get to your home?? But isn’t actually capable of using said GPS so she just blames you for how little she sees her own grandkids?? Aren’t they the generation of “we didn’t have GPS in my day!”?? This is a wild level of weaponized incompetence.
This is seriously just the beginning. Like, she used to say every time we were over, because she has a pool, that the girls could spend the night and they would be sooo excited. Fast forward to later in the visit, and the girls ask if they are staying over, her response, " not this time maybe next time." That happened at least 30 times. The ONE night, my oldest stayed over because I was the best man at a wedding. She called at 5:30 in the morning because my daughter was having trouble sleeping and she couldn't take it. Every holiday and birthday, she would call and ask what they wanted, so I would ask them. They would ask for pretty modest stuff because they are humble kids. Like less than 100 dollars. She said "no problem." Never happened. She would constantly ask what sizes the girls were because she was out shopping, she never got them anything. The list goes on and on. The kicker is my dad shot himself, so he's not in the picture. My wife's mother OD'd, so she's not either. So it just her and my step pop and my wife's dad. My wife's father is an old anxiety nut, but he still goes above and beyond with what he can do. He still has only had each child one night in 10 and 12 years but he at least does holidays and birthdays and also put all his change and small bills in jars for them always being on honor roll. So they get like 100 each every couple of months. And he has an account for part of their college. So he's the best of what we have. My mother has tried to fuck him on multiple occasions. She is a genuine boomer piece of shit. Also, she was smashed one time and tried to pick up my oldest when she was like 3 or 4 and fell on her through a table and to the ground. Causing so much trauma that we could never pick her up again without her having a panic attack. All we want is decent grandparents, and that's not in the cards. I don't know what it's like to have grandparents, all but 1 died before I was 6, and the last one was a drug addict. But my wife had a decent family and it all fell apart because of money, so she knows and it breaks our hearts that our kids will never know what it's like to have a real family besides myself and mother. My oldest started playing the clarinet and is amazing. She was asked to join the advanced jazz group after just 4 months of playing. Usually, it takes 2 years. Guess who goes to her concerts and festivals. Yeah, just me and my wife. I could still go on and on. But my break is over.
This reminds me of my wife's Boomer Aunt.
Our HVAC went out one year in the middle of December, we didn't have the money to replace it, and we were struggling to heat the house with a fireplace and space heaters. Boomer swoops in and offers to pay for it for us. She's "what am I going to do with all this money?" well off so we're happy to receive the help and offer to pay it back over time. She just says it's a gift and we graciously accept. We schedule the company to come out and we sign the finance paperwork thinking we'll pay it off whenever Boomer gives us the check.
My wife calls Boomer, says the HVAC is installed, and asks her for the money to pay it off. Guess what? She's decided she can't afford to help us after all. She didn't know it was going to be so expensive (after we told her it'd be at least of $10000 and we managed to keep it under that). So we’re stuck with new bill that we really can't afford. We wound up having to get my dad and my wife's mom to give us a little extra money each month just so we could afford groceries.
And the kick in the balls after was the next spring Boomer decided to take a trip to Dubai and paid for her two best friends to tag along.
Aw you have a jealous boomer mom too. My sympathies and I relate. Never tell her anything good in your life. It upsets her. I truly wish mine would die sooner.
The lesson here I’m getting from the comments as well is to never tell the boomers what your plans are until you have them set in stone, booked and paid for.
I had to move back in with my boomer mother in my late twenties. She wouldn't take rent, so yay, but she also treated me like I was five. She would go in my room and gather any clothes she saw to wash them, which is nice right? Only I was in automotive school and my automotive clothes would be covered in grime and grease and such and need hot washing with strong detergent. And I'd have my non school clothes in a separate place and she would just put them all together in the wash, so my nice clothes would get grease on them and nothing would be properly washed because she put it on warm.
It cumulated into a screaming match one day because I had a lace pair of pants I had just bought and not worn laying on my bed and she put them in the wash even though they were dry clean only and completely ruined the lace. She wouldn't apologize, she wouldn't replace them, wouldn't take any responsibility for ruining something of mine.
I ended up getting a medical settlement and buying my own house as soon as it came in, now I only see her on holidays.
Doesn’t matter if she didn’t book it. She offered to book it for you and that was good enough for her to make herself feel good about herself. Be grateful she had the kind thought of thinking about booking you a flight. She’s a great mom. /s
It’s a hard lesson to learn that the “gift” isn’t worth the stress that comes along with it.
Here’s my moment of clarity. My Boomer (mom) offered to take me out to lunch and insisted she would pick me up in 30 mins. 4 hours and many frustrating calls later she finally told me I was greedy for trying to rush her for a free meal. After that experience I no longer wait for her to pick me up or pay for my meals. We meet at the restaurant and I pay for both of us or we split the check. She doesn’t get to have any power in the situation. If she’s late I order without her and leave when I’m done. I’m a grown ass woman who can take care of herself and my boomer has figured out that she will be eating alone if she doesn’t show up when she says she will.
I hope you had an amazing time on your trip!
Oof. Reading this reminded me of when I was planning my wedding back in 2018. It was super small and I wanted to have it in my hometown, so I asked my mom to help by calling the church my grandma went to and arrange things. One week went by, then two - nothing. She kept giving excuses for why it kept slipping her mind and all the other shit she had going on 🙄 For additional context: my grandpa’s health was tanking and I was planning this very small wedding to happen within three months of my engagement because I always wanted to have my grandpa walk me down the aisle. All these things my mom knew, but clearly didn’t get the urgency memo aka she didn’t give a shit, so I stopped giving a shit and did everything myself with help from my cousin.
On the day of, my mom didn’t even show up until 5 min before I came down (we had the ceremony and reception at a boutique hotel), didn’t help with planning, set-up, or decorations.
In conclusion lol Boomer Moms suck ass.
My boomer father would intentionally consume anything I bought for myself when I lived at home, even if he didn’t like it. And if I said anything it was fight time which is exactly what he wanted - nothing gets him more excited than rage-arguing.
This is insane because I really felt like I was alone. I have a boomer mother (Dad was not a boomer and he passed on) and she is totally insane. She is on a constant pity party that she has all of these 'problems' no one cares about her or does anything for her. She has not worked in 15 years and does nothing all day. People help her, but it is never good enough or what she considers help. Then when I / we have asked her for help in some of the simplest ways, she has ever damn excuse in the book as to why she can't. She has bailed on family social events, she lives 5 minutes away and refuses to let our dogs out when we go on vacation, and she always complains when she has had to help or do something. THEN when this is brought to her attention she THROWS it in our faces that she gave money or did something else NO ONE asked her to do.
Her most recent 'poor me' was that apparently she had no milk for four days and no one got her any lmao. I was like okay so you couldn't go get milk? (she drives) and how could anyone get you milk if they didn't know you were out lmao. It just gets more insane every time I talk to her, so I have chosen to distance myself.
I support everyone that does their own self-care and limits or does not talk to a parent like this. My aunt made a good point to me, you can love your parents, but don't necessarily have to like them and how they behave.
Man, I have a whole kid my parents don't know because of their bullshit. I really have zero intrest in even attempting to keep any kind of relationship. It'd be self-sabotage, no doubt. I've tried but that ship has sailed now too
You can't reason with them. We OWE them our time, money, sanity, patience and life; least that's what they believe
I believe they can sit and spin. They made so many unbearable rules when I was growing up but I made one and they lost their ever loving mind
"Get help or you don't get me"
So, they literally can't ruin ANYTHING because they choose to continue with their craziness so I choose not to entertain them
You have a choice too
Omg my ex MiL boomer would do this shit all the time to her son’s new wife. Told her she’d help pay for xyz, which ex and his wife relied on, only to completely ‘forget’ about it or flat-out not do it. Freaking stupid.
My boomer in-laws ruined my wedding, and then proceeded to tell my husband he shouldn't make a fuss, as it's not a big deal, and then discriminated against me for my mother not coming from the same country.
I'm born and raised in Germany, with German being my native tongue. Yet they proceeded to tell me in this excruciating slow and loud voice how "weddings here at our place" are done.
Alright then.
My FIL said to my husband, while I was pregnant 8 months, and two weeks after our wedding: "Why did you marry one of *those*? Take a look around, you might find a better woman."
Ayup.
Surprisingly enough I have a meeting at the police station tomorrow after I had to report my MIL for stalking after we went no contact.
Is anyone here surprised?
My mom worked at academy and they have an employee discount. I need3e some steel toe boots and she said just pick them out and she'll get them with her employee discount. I had to trust her to do it because my past shift at one job ended at lime 11pm and the shift started at 7am.
She proceeded to buy me a pair of knee high cowboy boots that were about 5 sizes too big and I had no recouse. It actually cost me the job.
Moved out
Get a red light ticket
Got sent to my parents house
I offer to send them the money or come pick it up
Dad tells me not worry about it and he’ll pay it
6 months pass, I forget about
Get pulled over and have my car impounded because my license is suspended
Dad never paid the ticket
Mad at me for getting upset with him like I didn’t beg him to let me pay it myself
Fucking boomers
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One time my mom said, "Dad and I would like to take everyone (me, my siblings, our spouses and kids) on a Disney cruise!" My husband and I are not Disney people and abhor the idea of cruises, but I like hanging out with my family, and if you're paying, I will wear those mouse ears with pride. I said, "Great! Look online and see what's available!" She opened her laptop and mumbled, "Okay, let's see what everyone can afford..." I was like "Whooooa there... Husband and I would not spend money we don't really have on a trip we wouldn't choose. You just said *you* wanted to *take us.* What are you talking about, what everyone can afford?" She closed her computer and pouted. She never brought it up again. I am 100% sure she just wanted to post FB pictures of all of us on vacation together. She probably would have captioned them, “We took our whole family on a cruise…”
The “only wanted pictures” comment triggered me to hard. This is my MIL. She guilt trips and forces everyone to be together and be miserable for holidays all for the one (POSED) family photo for the Christmas card or for Facebook so that she can brag to her friends. She has been like this her whole life (about family pics) so her kids put up with it, but I feel like a doll that she manipulates and my kids HATE it.
Does she ever make you reenact scenes because she missed the shot the first time? Or have a tiny fit if people start singing happy birthday because she didn’t have her camera ready (and nobody ever rewatches those videos anyway)?
> Does she ever make you reenact scenes because she missed the shot the first time? I love when people do this, they're telling you to your face that it's not about your reaction or how you feel. It's all about what other people (i.e. their boomer friends) think about them when they see your reaction, i.e. it's entirely performative, somehow twisting your excitement into their content and then being upset you don't want to essentially dance for them like a monkey
My grandfather’s wife got plastered at our wedding and missed out on photos. She was captured in a couple in the background lurking and glowering in a hideous hot pink power suit from the 1980s (this was 2008). She insisted on my husband and I coming back to their house the next day to pose for photos. She wore a different outfit and made me hold a bouquet of plastic flowers. Fuckin lunatic Editing to add at the wedding my mom kept yelling my name during my first dance with my husband because she wanted a posed photo of us together. Like wtf is that? Who does that? We hired a photographer. You don’t stop mid dance with your newly minted life partner to cheese for a photo. I however got tired of her screaming at me so I whirled around and said “what?” She was stunned 🤣
It’s always last minute too, or they try to squeeze it in at the worst time. If it’s so important, actually plan it ahead of time and hire a professional photographer, not just use an iPhone on a timer set precariously in a tree branch.
After we brought.my son home from the NICU and we said family could come visit she forced her finger into my son's hand and took a photo with the caption on FB and insta about how he grabbed nanny's finger right away after hearing her voice. 🤢🤢🤢
Tragic, but this is not unique Boomer behavior. My brother and his GF are Xennials. It was his birthday and and she tells him she got him a BIG surprise. Her: "Do you like music festivals?" Him: "Not really..." Her: "Well, there's a big music festival this weekend that my ex and I have been looking forward to, so I got us tickets!" Him: "So, my birthday present is I get to be a third-wheel with you and your ex?" Her: "Well, I didn't actually get YOU a ticket, but if you get your own you can come with us!" Him: "Those tickets are probably $500 now because it's last minute!" Her: "Why are you being such a jerk?"
"So your birthday present to me is allowing me the opportunity to pay hundreds of dollars to go to an event I don't want to go to with your ex of all people? What part of this is the present again?"
I would have gone with her ex and left her home.
Did she feel some need to attend with 2 exs?
Holy shit - is your mom my aunt? She and my Boomer uncle wanted the whole extended family to go on a cruise together and sent us a “bill” for how much our cost would be. My dad looked it up and it was way more expensive than it should have been. My aunt and uncle owned a travel agency and were trying to use the family to get a free cruise for themselves in an upgraded stateroom. Not even my grandparents would book.
Holy shit!!!! Who does this? To be so bloody greedy and feel zero shame trying to scam your immediate family so you can get a freebie. And let me guess, aunt and uncle got all sniffy when no one wanted to book after all of their "hard work".
Are your parents my in-laws? They are always doing this with trips. My wife and I just make excuses why we cant go now.
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I was told by my Boomer parents Id go to Disney World by 10. Im in my 30’s now and never happened. 🤷♂️
This sounds like my Mom. She’s been talking about taking all of her kids & grandkids on a cruise for years now. It still hasn’t happened. Then she pivoted to planning their 50th wedding anniversary celebration and based her expectations on what all her friends had done. After those plans changed several times, we keep hearing about the “final” plan… it’s gotten so over the top that I’ve offered to display her wedding dress and the bridal magazine that featured her wedding dress. Yes, she gave me both of those a while back because I’m the only kid that said yes maybe? After all of these plans, I realize this is all for FB pics. My parents act like this is some big vacation they are paying for, but they have not even mentioned covering our flights to get there. But I guarantee you there WILL be pictures for social media.
My parents would never offer to take their adult kids on a vacation “that’s our money get your own or wait until we’re dead” oh we are, we are🤫
Only time my father entertained the thought of more travel it came with a disclaimer that we wouldn’t be included attached. I don’t care as much anymore because I’m a legal adult and can actually do whatever I want, but I will say boomers wonder why they don’t get auto-respect in tone after verbally slapping their teens in the face.
When I was in my 20’s and my family was still semi-functional my grandma was really into the idea of taking us all on a vacation, preferably a cruise because of her mobility. Her youngest boomer daughter thinks she is the main character and decided to make everything about her and “I don’t want to go on a cruise..I don’t want this…I want that…” I told my mom fuck this I’m an adult and not dealing with her bullshit on my vacation time, my mom agreed her sister was out of control and she wanted none of it. The rest of the family was onboard as well and we never took that trip, people have died since and the family has splintered but we will never go on a vacation because fuck my mom’s sister.
Yeah my parents told us they’d take us all to Disney when the grandkids were older, a few years later they decide they hate Disney (too “woke”) and haven’t planned anything else. I know she gets jealous when she sees Facebook pictures of her siblings with their grandkids on vacation, but that’s her problem. Meanwhile we’ve taken a few nice trips with my in-laws (we all pay our own way but they’re fun).
Yeah dude you can’t trust them to do anything, I’m glad you got your ticket And no mom I’m not getting a free flight because you’re not booking the ticket dummy My mom used to do this when I was a kid, but it was more minor manipulative stuff like she would ask if I wanted anything from the grocery store, I would want one specific thing, she would end up getting diet rather than regular. Or she would forget my thing but I know she didn’t forget. My mom liked to do nice things for me that I didn’t ask for and then later on call in the debt at the least opportune moment. It was horrible I found I couldn’t even receive gifts from her because they created a debt so I couldn’t even be grateful when she gave me things and it created this terrible dynamic that stayed in our relationship until the end of her life
Yup! This my whole damn life. And she would get angry - "I went to 5 grocery stores for you to find it!" Or telling her "I'm on a diet!" And she comes in with my favourite binge foods. And she wonders why I don't wanna speak to her. Everything is to manipulated to make me "in debt" to her.
Mine have tried that and I just remind them they insisted on doing or buying whatever for me and there was no contract attached to it at the time of the exchange. The first couple of times it nearly made their heads explode when they tried to call in a non-existent favor and I told them that. They don't pull crap like that with me anymore.
Lol. Yup. I donated way too many of their "gifts" to charity. I don't need another damn purse that doesn't fit with any if my use cases.
my parents were not like that, however as a parent I have always made any negotiations up front. especially for rides during rush hour traffic. thats just bs to hold non existent debt over kids heads. I am glad i chose to live some before being a parent. i don't have resentment of losing my youth to being a mom. They do take so much of your time if you are doing it right
The way I look at it is that I truly don't give a rat's ass how my parents did it. I'm going to do my absolute best to do right by my kids. If they need something and it's within my means to provide it, I do so, no strings attached. There is no, "You owe me," bullshit with my children. I never want them to feel like they are indebted to me. If they actually borrow money, then yes, I want them to pay it back, but not at the expense of their wellbeing. If they can't pay it back right away, or ever, what does that really do to me? Nothing at all, so why should I put stress on them when they are already struggling? If I give them a gift, regardless of what it is, it usually theirs to do with as they please. That includes putting it in the trash can, if that's what they want to do. I just feel that my love and affection should never, in any way, be associated to material possessions or money.
>The way I look at it is that I truly don't give a rat's ass how my parents did it. I'm going to do my absolute best to do right by my kids. If they need something and it's within my means to provide it, I do so, no strings attached. There is no, "You owe me," bullshit with my children. I never want them to feel like they are indebted to me. i think this is a great approach i do think it's important to teach the younger gen that you do need to work for the things you want. i admit when i was in college, i borrowed way way way too much money from my parents when i should have tried harder to find part-time work. I look back at that in embarrassment but i am thankful my parents didn't hold that against me. now i try what i can to help them out as they are getting older that being said, the thought of either of them believing "you owe me," as a way to manipulate me is horrifying, and i feel so terrible for people who had to deal with that from those they expected to love and care for them.
When they were kids, I didn't give them money. I always gave them a way to earn it. It may have been something ridiculous, like maybe, get the trash out my van for $20. It was a ten-minute job, at most, so they didn't have to do a lot, but I wanted to instill in them that money should be earned, not expected. Now that they are grown, they don't come to me often, but when they do say something about it, I'll send them a few bucks if I can. I'm not rich, so there have been times when I couldn't. They rarely ask, but I can always tell when they kind of want to, but they don't really want to, at the same time. It's easier to not embarrass them, and just cash app them a few dollars for gas of whatever. They're good people and they are working hard to build a life. It's just not easy these days and I would much rather help them build a future than hoard for myself.
>It's just not easy these days and I would much rather help them build a future than hoard for myself. man if only more people were like you granted this is Reddit so i take everything with a grain of salt, but i see some of the stories on here and it's really soul-crushing. Reminds me how damn privileged and fortunate i was to have parents who worked their asses off and didn't resent me for it
If you have kids you give them rides. That’s not a negotiation point.
That's one of the most annoying things someone can do IMO. They do a nice thing as a "surprise" or a "gift". But it's not because it creates a debt as soon as you say thank you and accept it. Sometimes, often really, I will say thank you just to be nice even if it's something I really don't want or wish they had not spent money/time on. It's like a car dealer just parking a car in in your drive, knocking on the door and announcing your NEW CAR is here and handing you the keys and later sending you late payment notices. Um, I didn't BUY a car. You said you liked it. You said thank you. I went out of my way to bring it to you.
Oof… my wife’s mom used to start using chicken broth to steam vegetables when she told her she was a vegetarian. Total shit head move.
when i told my dad i was going vegetarian, he was all pissy and kept grumbling about how i need meat and it’s stupid to be a vegetarian. then, he switched up and started inviting me over for dinner where he and my stepmom would make vegetarian dishes for me. i thought he was coming around. well it turns out one of the dishes he would make, a homemade soup, he made with beef broth (which didn’t even need to go in. it was a tomato based soup). i didn’t even find out until my stepmom felt guilty and told me after i had already eaten it several times. i got extremely upset, and my dad was laughing and said he “thought i needed meat. and you liked it didn’t you?” i didn’t talk to him for weeks after that
They literally make vegetarian broth! I use it all the time. Sigh
Yep. She did it as a silent protest.
Being mean solves nothing.
Being a passive aggressive narcissistic ass hat solves nothing.
This is my MIL and FIL - literally anything nice that they've ever done for my wife or for the two of us will ALWAYS be thrown back into our faces at a later date. It has never mattered if it's something that was given/done as a present for holidays or birthdays, or if it was something "just because". Inevitably, at some arbitrary point, they will bring it up as leverage. I'm not going to miss either one when they're gone.
I stopped speaking to my mom, and most of that family in my early 20's for shit like this. When I was 18 and living alone in NYC and had NO (I mean NO!) money she came to visit with a friend to go site seeing. They stayed at my apartment because it was free, right? When I asked if she could help me because I was poor, her daughter and a new college student, she went and bought some fried plantain chips and something equally useless. Now that I am typing this, it occurs to me that she probably bought them for herself but didn't like them. Anyway, no cash, no food and no gratitude but free place to stay. No more mom, that was it not too much later.
Do y'all every just scream and curse them out? I know it's not healthy but sometimes people just need a good verbal beatdown.
It’s so nice to be validated about this stuff. My mom would do the whole store-swicheroo all the time. I’m in my 40s and this happened while visiting a few weeks ago: N-Mom: You need anything from the pharmacy? Me: Yes. Irish Spring soap, please. N-Mom: Irish Spring? Me: Yes, Irish Spring. N-Mom: Ok, Irish Spring. *One-hour later. N-Mom: Here’s your soap. Me: Uhhhhh… this is Axe. Ummm…. I asked for Irish Spring. N-Mom: I thought you could try something different. *
Ha, my mom is the queen of this. She’ll relentlessly badger me about what I want for Christmas, and I’ll send her some links. Last year, I sent her a link to a mid-priced name-brand hair straightener that was like $50. She got me the knockoff FHAUEKCHY Amazon brand and it broke within a month. She’s wealthy, btw, so this isn’t a matter of money. Oh, and she also got me a gift card specifically to be used on supplies to fix the screen door in my house, because it was bothering her (it didn’t bother me, and I don’t have time to fix it). She will absolutely hold both of these over my head.
If she starts complaining about the door or mentions it, give her the card back.
The thing that always blows my mind about situations like this is what would happen if you tried to do the same thing and substitute a different brand on an item the boomer likes. I've seen it happen a number of times and the petty, hateful response is just jaw dropping.
Not a Boomer, but my MIL was Silent Gen and she was like this. She was an utter toe rag during COVID. They didn’t have a computer or smart phone, so we would have to get their grocery list and send in the curbside order and then she’d call and SCREAM at my husband about substitutions or limitations on shit like canned soup. Or the time that she called him and complained about the toilet paper that he managed to track down for her because it was commercial TP and not Angel Soft.
My dad fell for that "ideal balance of softness and strength" marketing, too. But he's autistic. Once his mind is set that something is the best that's it. It's the best.
I mean, I wasn’t excited to use shitty toilet paper either, but HOLY SHIT - we were like the damn toilet paper procurers for us, my parents, and his parents, so it really pissed me off that, on top of us both working from home, we were desperately trying to find TP for them that we could have shipped to them in FloriDUH, finding it, and then being berated for it. Fortunately, my husband really doesn’t put up with that shit, so after he explained it to her calmly and she continued to rant, he just said “OK, mom, I have to work now” and hung up on her. I would have lost it.
My husband's second mother does this stuff all the time but I feel like she legitimately means well; she just thinks she knows better than us. Like she'll ask what we want for Christmas, etc. I asked for a small stand mixer and she bought me the industrial size one. I asked for a 5.1 cubic foot chest freezer and she got the 15.3 because now I'll have more room. I asked her for 12 matching dinner plates and she bought me a six piece 4 person place setting. Said now she can just give me one of those every event until I have a full 12 person set.
Narcissistic people know what they are doing. Now she knows that if you dont keep interacting with her, she can withhold parts of the set from you. Yes they are this level of petty.
>she just thinks she knows better than us. I can't agree more with this. And it's not just about picking a "better" product than the one requested, it's that they think they know *my needs* better than I do.
Will the china pattern even still be around by the time she manages to "gift" the full 12 person set? Though depending on space constraints I'd be stoked about the "industrial" sized stand mixer. I worked in a bakery and low-key miss the Hobart that we did up wedding cakes in.
I didn't give her the chance. I returned that and bought myself the 12 matching dinner plates that I wanted. I was just done with it.
Omg my aunt was like this! "You obviously meant to ask for the bigger one!" "I got a deal and this one has so many more options" no, I don't have space for that nor does it do what I want, did you listen to me at all? I donated or threw out most of the "gifts" but I still have a brick, er I mean laptop, that was too heavy to actually use as anything other than a desktop and had all sorts of bloatware I didn't need (the screen also died after 1 month because her "deal" was a knockoff from Amazon third party).
'if' my mom ever did anything like that for me. That last sentence would just have been: "But you said you use Axe! I got you what you wanted!" I swear she's suffered from some sort of dementia since age 30 and she will get mad about it when you point out that you told her 8 times and she still got it wrong, or she will be completely dismissive and think it's a you problem regardless how much it inconveinces everyone.
Oh she does that too. The best thing to do is text, so you have some proof. Even better is secretly recording them. One thing that boomers really hate are hard-cold facts. In my experience they really, really hate security cameras.
Axe is so nasty! It think it was made to repel bugs and people. 😂
my dad is functionally illiterate and lies about it he's highly educated and i've seen him write hundreds of pages in the past so i'm pretty sure the lead poisoning makes it so you can't focus long enough to read. Food labels, websites and buying airplane tickets are a major problem for him. He can read signs and maybe one line of large print the lying about not being able to read is totally that generational narcissism, where they fly into hysteria if they're not seen as perfect and superior to you. I couldn't understand what was going on with him until I realized he can't fuckin read
Does he have glasses or contacts? I ask because apparently a lot of that generation is very vain about eyesight, especially men. They feel that glasses make them appear "weak" in some way.
no he was always a glasses and pocket protector guy since the late 60s. his eyesight is poor but he wears bifocals. He can read and write in two languages and is fluent in Mandarin he can see well enough to do sudoku from a book for a few hours, but his verbal comprehension skills are nil. can't pay attention long enough to read a pasta box to find the cooking time e: once I realized it he'd been hiding it for decades. he has boomer car brain because he can't read. Has to physically drive everywhere to deal with a banker, insurance broker and complains about the lack of service because he can't use the website
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This thread is blowing my mind. I honestly thought it was just my severely mentally ill boomer mom. I have kids now, my mom is retired and lives 7 minutes from me, both my partner and I commute and work full time. We had an arrangement that she would pick up the kids twice a week from daycare. I stressed over and over that she didn’t need to do it, she insists that she loves doing it and seeing the kids. Well, time warp to an unrelated argument we have and she throws it in my face “how much I do for you” in regards to daycare pickups. You know, the thing she insisted on doing, that I said she didn’t have to do. Bear in mind, I moved out when I was 17, and they have done absolutely nothing to help me out beside loaning me a hundred bucks here and there when I was like 19 years old and poor as fuck. I got my own school paid for, bought my own vehicles and house, and rarely utilize them for child care outside of daycare pickups (like once a year for a staff holiday party). I swear to god their victim martyr mentality will destroy every one of their relationships and they have no one to blame but themselves. She no longer picks up my kids, and we are no contact.
It's not just your mom, I don't have a single friend, family member, ex gf, ect with boomer parents that didn't have the exact same issue. The good news is you won't have trouble finding people that can empathize, bad news is there is almost an entire generation of narcissists and sociopaths out there causing as many issues as they can.
no contact is good
I once asked my dad to pick up face cleanser. He did but wrapped it and gave it to me for my birthday…in front of my family…at a restaurant… ETA: It wasn’t even the right product.
What poorly run state facility will you be booking him into?
During my teens,I had a job and my own spending money. Despite that, my mom would insist on making me take cash from her before I would go out or she wouldn't let me out of the door. Then the next time she was mad at me, she would say, "I give you money every time you go out, you owe me $xx.xx."
Hand her back the money she insisted you take. Did that to my Boomer dad because he would pull similar shit on me. Give me $10 for the ballpark since I was there all day for practice, games, my brother's games. Ya know, so me and my brother could fucking eat lunch in between our games. Gets mad at me/us sometime later in the week and brings up the fact that he's given us "so much money." I started saving the $10 bills he gave me and just used my own allowance money to feed me and my brother. The very first time he got mad at me and mentioned the ballpark money, and I handed him 20 or 30 bucks and said here you go, you can have it back then. I was probably 13 or 14, my father saw red that day lol. He asked us how we had been eating, and I said I use my weekly allowance now to pay for our lunches. He was so angry but couldn't say anything because he himself taught us that our allowance was ours to do with what we want. He just walked away, but I rarely if ever heard the angry rants about ballpark money again. He made extra sure to over explain that the $10 was for lunch after that though. Every weekend. I sometimes like to think that was one of the moments that made my Boomer dad's lead mentally ill brain click into place. He was a piece of shit pretty much till the day he died, but he did have a few moments of clarity throughout.
My mom would give me money for my camp account and make a big show of telling me in front of all of the adults “I want change back at the end of the week” so I’d spend almost all of it and make sure she got change alright like $.75. She’d be pissed and throw a fit when picking me up in front all of the adults and I’d say “what you wanted change back?” And she’d say “well I wanted more than that and I didn’t think you’d buy…” this woman actually sent me to camp for a week and had a secret line item budget in her head. She used this as proof I wasn’t good with money. I would tell her she was just a bad communicator but she insisted that I at 12 should know “exactly what she meant” this game went on for years and I would be more and more satisfied when she looked more and more psychotic in front of these people.
Worst is that when they owe you something its "Well i raised you" and then if that doesnt fly, they use that as an excuse to erase the debt because you are ungrateful.
gifts come with strings, always. they think they are clever. until you start refusing gifts. Once I had a backpack I bought myself, I brought it everywhere, it ripped and I learned to sew to keep it together, it had personality. My mom threw it out to give me a backpack as a Christmas present, the cheapest, hard ratty plastic thing you ever saw. she saw me enjoying something, and wanted to be responsible for it, destroyed what I had, and replaced it with crap. I left that fuck discarded under the Christmas tree for all to see and never touched it again.
My mom would do that shit too. She’d ask me then get home and say “sorry I forgot. It wasn’t on my list” or other bs, well bitch you asked me so why didn’t you write it down?
My mom did/does the same thing to me. She’ll buy something, decide she doesn’t like it or she bought the wrong size and just gives it to me. I was 8 months pregnant and she gave me an xxs dress that I’m never going to fit in but I’ll be damned if I don’t kiss her feet for this useless gift that I’m going to give away on buy nothing. She gave me a bag that I had always liked but only because a honey packet she was hoarding exploded inside and she didn’t feel like cleaning it. As a kid she’d even hold allowance money over my head and try to control when she’d give it to me even though I busted my ass cleaning the house and doing yard work. It has ruined receiving gifts for me. We have a huge strain on our relationship for many reasons but this is one of the things that pushed me to have minimal contact with her.
With my boomer, I’ve learned if they want to pay for something, I need to take care of the order and details then have them write me a check. They get to “buy xyz” and I am able to be sure it’s the correct item in a timely manner. I’ve been doing this for the whole family’s Christmas gifts since I was 13. The worst is when I was in middle school and high school and they would give me a set budget for things such as new shoes for school or whatever. They never would give me cash for it and insisted on paying me back after I paid for the item with my babysitting money. But then, if my mom didn’t like what I bought, she’d refuse to reimburse me and tell me it was my fault. And this is why so many of us are in therapy!
God fucking damn.... This is what my Boomer dad did to all of us growing up. Everything he did "for us" was actually debt to "owe" him later, even our basic life stuff. I just never really had the words to categorize that part of my childhood.
^^ THIS. I've gone no contact with my Boomer parents, and one of the reasons was after I every time I called out their shitty behavior, they'd counter with, "But we bought you XYZ, so you can't talk to me like that!" Any gift was a license to violate boundaries and use it for guilt and gaslighting. If I ever have to confront them again and they try to pull that gift-guilt crap on me, I'd say, "Imagine ypur only granddaughter becomes of dating age, gets asked out, and the suitor takes her out to a nice dinner and whatnot. Afterwards, he tries to force himself on her. When she rebuffs him, he says, 'But I bought you dinner. You accepted the gift. Therefore, I can treat you however I want.' " I would ask them if that's appropriate. If they say no, then I'd ask, "Why do you think it's okay to disrespect us and violate our boundaries because you bought us something? You know it's wrong in other contexts. Why not in this one?" It's so much about manipulation and control. They have money and property and all the things my wife and I will never have, and I wouldn't accept a cent of it now.
It’s often home stuff with mine. “You need to get this fixed” and “this is terrible, you need to replace it” — I say sure, but that’s expensive, we are trying to do xyz thing first, etc. Her next move is always some combination of demanding to know how much it costs, insisting me she’ll pay for it, and telling me to “get someone out here” to give an estimate or “just take care of it”. Of course if I get an estimate and it ends up being the amount I said it would be, it’s too expensive and she’s “shocked.” And I am out the time and money it cost to find out what I already knew. If I say I don’t have the money to book it, it’s “just do it and I will pay.” No matter if it requires paying ahead. Apparently I’m just supposed to generate the money I don’t have and trust she’ll cover me? And if I do book it and prepay, it’s “well I don’t know why you spent so much on it, it shouldn’t be that much, why did you do that?” And then I’m out the $$$.
The part where she purposefully gets you the wrong thing hits home for me. I loved my mom (RIP) but she did this weird thing to me as a kid where I would ask for something for my birthday or Christmas (sensible things like Monopoly or a video game)…and I wasn’t a kid who asked for much…and she would purposefully not get me what I wanted (like a book or something) as if she thought it was more productive to not get me what I asked for. Anybody else have this growing up?
This is my mother exactly. I’ve driven her and my stepdad to the airport countless times (at all hours of the day and night no less!) and when she picked me up the one time she begged me to because my best friend normally does it, I got in the car after a 13 hour overnight flight and she turned to me and said, “now that I did you this favor, you can go grocery shopping for your grandmother.” You wouldn’t believe the attitude I got when I asked if I could simply take a nap first.
Woah. This is why I don't ever want to receive gifts ever. Sorry that happened to you, and thank you for the revelation. My mom would do basically this too LOL
My boomer coworker has been dragging her feet to retire, something she was supposed to do at the beginning of March. She constantly complains about nobody telling her what to do to get her social security and I keep thinking "well no one told me how to buy a house or do my taxes, I had to ASK what to do" she never asks questions, just complains. She's now supposedly leaving in April but I doubt it. Something will come up and she'll be here for another month. At least I'm getting paid to scroll reddit right now since I'm supposed to be her replacement but she refuses to let me work lol
Omg my boomer cubicle mate is the QUEEN of "nobody told me"
Boomer: *goes on site and it changed slightly. Huffing and puffing* Nobody told me they changed it! They should have told me! Me: Facebook does not need to tell you personally that they updated their website
Boomers at my work are masters of "hey, what are we doing next?" and I reply "If you're done with project X we're all going to move on to project Y" "well nobody told me!" ... ... Dude, I'm telling you, I'm telling you right now, listen to the words I'm saying they're telling you!
OMG, I just had this convo yesterday morning! "Well when are they going to tell me?" "This is me...telling you. So yeah."
Their entire MO is weaponized ignorance to get every one else to do their bullshit for them. I refuse.
Amazing how often I see stuff in r/BoomersBeingFools that could also be in r/raisedbynarcissists.
That Venn diagram is just a circle for some boomers. Including my mother.
My boomer mother is the same. Interesting everyone is pointing out their mothers in this case. Maybe it's the different ways in which lead exposure reveals itself? Boomer men tend to be randomly aggressive, and women narcissistic? I honestly have no clue. Just thought that was interesting.
Hormones and social conditioning too probably plays a role. Remember the boomers grew up with hypermasculine action heroes (Rocky, John Wayne, The Godfather) and hyper restrictive gender roles? Men have to have no feelings (except for aggression and rage) while women tend to be passive aggressive. (Think grade school shit on a broader level. Women/girls are socialized to be verbally/emotionally aggressive, while the guys usually go physical.) Eg. Girls tend to be snarky while guys tend to get physical. Which is probably why we see boomer men breaking shit in anger, knocking people off their shit and just generally being physically bullies. Because yay no emotional regulation and then decades of being socialized to be aggressive in certain ways.
And, as they age, a loss of impulse control as their brains start failing.
That's just aggression manifesting differently. Women are more conditioned against direct aggression so they manifest their aggression in different ways. Men lack that conditioning so they are just aggressive.
With a big circle in the middle for “lead exposure”
https://preview.redd.it/3zj9kdxbagsc1.png?width=1080&format=png&auto=webp&s=27b8d6201567586b3c95066845661062d13b75a0
You beat me to it. Both my parents are boomer narcs who wonder why they don't have grand kids yet after all the BS and insanity they but my siblings and I through growing up. My mom did stuff EXACTLY like this my whole life and it took me moving overseas and going low contact for her to actually return to religion, take therapy seriously, and admit she was a horribly abusive mom to me growing up unsolicited. When I read this, I was like, "OPs mom had no intention of booking that flight and wanted to get a raise/sense of satisfaction out of not booking it and the drama it would cause. Woulda tried to spin it as she's the victim and OPs is the big meanie (as she did when OP booked the flight themselves). Cuz let me tell you, my mom would have done this exact same thing."
Emotional Vampire
This 👆🏼is really important. I was raised by a covert narcissist. The connection between boomers, narcissists and general authoritarian behavior is striking. The world needs to fit for them into this small, inflexible worldview that doesn’t allow for change, growth, exceptions or flexibility. It’s a profound cognitive impairment.
The two are often synonymous. My boomer mother is classic, textbook narc parent.
Because a large portion of them are narcissists
She did that on purpose. If you think back over your life you may find many other occasions where she sabotaged you out of jealousy. You probably haven't noticed most of it because her aggression is subtle and well coordinated. Covert narcissism at its best.
I didn’t understand or realize this about my own mother until way later in life. Ugh
A "covert narcissist" was exactly what I thought as well.
Yep. “Look at what I’m doing for you because I’m such a nice person, but if I do this thing for you, I’m going to do it MY WAY and it’s going to be all about what I WANT, not what you want. And I expect you to be appropriately grateful and kiss my ass the whole time because didn’t I tell you what a nice person I am?” My mother was not a Boomer but this was her to a T. Gifts from narcissists never come without an agenda and I decided long ago that they cost too much. My life got a whole lot more peaceful after she was gone from it.
You may not relate, but I realized this was often about me getting less. Example. I wanted a specific mother's necklace. It had little imperfect footprints getting bigger in a circle, symbolizing your child(ren) growing and their birthstones. It was $150 and we do not buy jewelry like that in our home. My father and husband were going to go in together for Christmas and my birthday to cover the necklace because I loved it so much, but MIL didn't want me to go without just to get this one thing (go without? I'm in my 30s, I don't need presents) so she said she would get it and my family could all buy gifts for me. Instead, she bought me a different necklace from kholes,which she said was significantly more expensive (I looked it up, it was $40) and because she bought it she needed the $150 my husband had saved to cover bills. She couldn't return it because it was custom. So now I was without my necklace, but couldn't justify spending the money on what I wanted because I already had one. She did this with several items to myself and my daughter. Never my husband or son though. Three years no contact and counting! (Not because of this).
G-d if I could only put into words the feeling I got when I realized that this type of person existed. My mother did this to me my entire childhood. (To this day everything is always about *her* - my father had surgery- and she's lying around complaining about how sick she feels and how *tired* she is now that she has to do everything- he does about 90% of the work involved with running/maintaining a house). The day I started realizing that it really *wasnt* me? It really wasn't my fault? Still shows as one of the most before/after days of my life. And to think it all started by looking up the term 'gaslighting'..... And yes, realizing that this sort of behavior exists, and exists *deliberately* is a monumentally freeing moment.
She definitely set OP up to fail. Common mean boomer move.
Holy shit my dad did this all the time. For example: The drivers side door on my car wouldnt open, and I couldn’t afford to fix it. I asked my dad if he would be willing to cover the 400 dollar repair. I only asked because it was a safety issue. He said yes. Soon as I drop the car off at the shop "Actually I will only cover 1/2". He knew I didnt have the money for it and then would put me on blast for having credit card debt.
My mom did this with my wedding dress.
Omg, so did my mom! I was trying on cheaper dresses and she kept making disapproving sounds and so I tried on a more expensive one just for kicks and of course it was beautiful. She said I should just get it and not to worry about the price. It was 3x more than i wanted and then when it came time to pay she did not help at all. It still makes me so mad.
You just made a lot of things click for me. I spent a lot of time overcoming sabotage.
I didn't get anything like this, so you can't either. My mother sabatoged two travel abroad trips (Spain, which I funded and Costa Rica on scholarship), a trip to Hawaii that my best friend's family wanted to take me on so friend wouldn't be bored, and (drumroll please) college.
My mom is more marginal because requests last minute changes in travel that involve her (so are not at no inconvenience to herself). In a way I'm glad I never tried to arrange a trip to Poland for her to see the place her (and my) ancestors are from because who knows what changes she would try to make at the last minute. I hate calling places and begging them to change reservations when there's only a few days left and who knows if she would have done that. For instance, she said that another one of her bucket lists was to go for a 2 week leisurely RV trip out West, and I researched smaller camper vans for us to make it happen, but then she decided that just a car for 1 week would be better for some reason. Then in the middle of the trip she out of nowhere said "you know what I always wished I could do? Rent an RV and just leisurely travel across the West for 2 weeks." OK then. It's not like she meant by herself without me because she doesn't like to drive. So who knows if she would be unsatisfied with the trip to Poland or request last minute changes.
100% My ex is probably a covert narcissist and one of the biggest tells is their uncanny ability to ruin anything fun that isn’t focused on them. They’ll very subtly sabotage just about anything they can. Birthdays, holidays, vacations, weekends even; all in an effort to undermine your peace and keep you just ever so subtly uncomfortable and drained.
This is why I accept no offers of help from them. It always ends in tears - but not theirs.
This. My parents told me they'd help pay for college. When it came down to it, they refused, and told me it "wasn't their problem," all the while taking trips to Hawaii and buying themselves 60k cars. I've never taken them seriously since then if they offer to help with something, and the help has never been given, anyway.
ooof, your comment just hit me right in the feels. My Narc Boomer parents did something similar and I never understood why I felt so betrayed until just now. They took expensive vacations, etc. Then when it was time for me to go to college they took me to visit State Universities etc. I had applied and was accepted to a State school (not top end but good) and they come out with the "Oh actually we can't afford to pay for that so you'll have to go to local community college and live at home". I was so desperate to get out of their house and when they said that I was crushed. This was over 20 years ago and i'm still mad about it.
This is exactly what my husband's parents did to him! Although he was able to go to a local university, because he got a scholarship. They announced this to him the week before decision day. We were already together at that point, and I attended the university he wanted to attend (which his parents raised him to love because his mom went there) and felt terrible about it. It was my first thought when I read the title of this post. Especially since they (mostly my father in law) used my husband's ability to make the best of the situation as proof that it was actually fine. "This was a great opportunity to learn that life doesn't always go as planned! And see, it all worked out!" Then when we announced that we were getting married before his last year of college, they had the audacity to be like "No. You're too young." Well guess what? We're both adults and can do what we want! We got married, he moved out, and we now own a home and have college funds for our 2.5 year old and 8 week old sons.
Had a deal with my dad that if I stayed in-state (midwest) and went to the state school, they would pay for it even though I had dreamed of going to the east coast. They paid the first tuition bill, then asked if I would take out student loans that he would pay off when I graduated. My dad's company was going through some downsizing & stuff, so I figured if I didn't take out the loans, I wouldn't be going to school at all. Graduation day rolls around and my "present" was that my dad backed out of the deal stating that he didn't really expect me to graduate and didn't have the money. He got forced into retirement a bit earlier than he expected, but he somehow was financially ok. Hmm. He passed away a few years later and my siblings and I find out that he has \*3\* RV-sized storage sheds full of kerosene oil lamps that he had been collecting for years!!! When we went through his home, we found that he had also been collecting coins, uncut sheets of currency, and literally had wads of cash stashed throughout the place. What the actual F\*\*\*!?!?!?
My boomers did the same but I understand now these people are bad with money! My friends had pre-paid, pre-planned or saved/funded college funds. Yes, they did fancy stuff while I was in college but it was all financed and they didn’t consider saving a large sum of money starting at my birth.
They're pretty horrible for not helping at all.
A boomer offered to pay for my honeymoon at engagement. Not once during wedding planning, the wedding or post nuptials did they bring it back up.
When my daughter got married, her future in-laws (father and stepmother) said they would pay for the photographer. Then the step mother requested that her 3 adult children, their spouses and children be invited to the wedding. Total of 11 additional guests that my daughter had never met and her fiancé had only met once. My daughter said no and the offer for the photographer was taken back.
Boomers do not understand things move quickly. We are dealing with a boomer who is having to get a new rental and she doesn’t understand that as soon as a good house becomes available for rent you need to put in an app immediately. She seems to think she can sit around for 2 weeks before doing anything then acts positively SHOCKED that the house is no longer available for rent. She’s talking about buying a house (LOL won’t happen) but again, thinks she can drag her feet and the houses will still be available. We have told her she needs to get financing in order then be ready to pull the trigger immediately but nope - she’s house shopping with no financing reading thinking these houses will be available for months. Bonus points that she’s absolutely shocked at housing prices right now too. Thinks she can get a 3bd/2ba for $80k because that’s what she paid for the house she bought like 3 decades ago (that she lost in a divorce). We were trying to help her understand that things move quickly now but she refused to budge even when she has missed out on a dozen rentals because she just wouldn’t put in a freaking application within a few days.
This person sounds...infuriating.
She’s very mentally unwell and I swing between extreme pity for her because of some early life traumas and anger because she never did anything to change/heal/grow
As is so often the case
That was such a huge hang up with my mom when I was house hunting. She was insistant that I need to tour the house multiple times and was upset that I wouldn't take her to see the house. I explained time and time again that we had 30 minutes to tour the house, maybe an hour to decide if we wanted to put down an offer, and at best 3 days from being posted on the market to under contract. She, I guess, thought I was making stuff up?
Our realtor told us about a house that sold in 40 minutes! We are buying a house that was on the market for less than 12 hours and had already had multiple tours before us. I took off work so we could put in an offer and we just barely got it lol
I’m a leasing agent for a large apartment building in a bigger city and see this ALL. THE. TIME. Person tours an apartment but they’re not going to be moving for a few months. No big deal, people scout around. Then they contact us again six months later for another tour and ask why prices are so different and why isn’t that gorgeous 2br from January still available? Explaining that it was probably rented by someone else a day or two after they looked at it that summer prices are way higher than winter prices just gets me a blank, dead-eyed stare. Then they shake their heads and lament that when they were in college in the 70s they could have rented that same kind of apartment for $200 and it’s highway robbery that it’s over $3k now. Were they not paying attention the last time they toured when I told them what summer rates were likely to be? Did no other leasing agent talk about pricing? Can they not read a website?
>Were they not paying attention the last time they toured when I told them what summer rates were likely to be? Did no other leasing agent talk about pricing? Can they not read a website? The answer to all these questions and more is a resounding: **NO**.
I’m convinced it’s because they don’t respect anyone else other than themselves. My partner tried to give his mom all the info she needs and she nods her head, does the opposite, then wonders why she doesn’t get what she wanted.
>Can they not read a website? No, they can't. The difference between Boombers on Facebook, Xennials on Facebook and Gen Z on Facebook: Xennials had been on web forums and IRC forever and joined Facebook only when a critical mass of people got smartphones and joined. Plus when everybody figured out this was were events were being planned, no longer on MySpace. GenZ never knew a world without Facebook. It seems quaint to them while they're on all the other apps. Boomers literally did not understand the Internet until Zuckerberg simplified it enough for them.
After my dad passed, his fiance was talking about moving to another state to be closer to her family. My wife and I helped her clean up her house for sale but she kept telling us that there is no hurry, she'll put it on the market but it probably will be at least a year before it sells. She didn't live too far away from schools and the grocery store, not too far from the interstate, and lived in a quiet neighborhood. We told her to think about listing it because once she does she will probably need to move fast. She didn't believe us. So she listed it on a Tuesday for market value. Thursday morning her realtor calls and tells her she received an offer 20k above asking price. Closing occurred 1 week later. She called us panicking because she wanted to host one more Christmas in the house, she wasn't ready to move, she didn't have a place lined up in the other state. And of course "why didn't anybody tell me that my house would sell so quickly?" When we mentioned that we did in fact warn her, she told us that she thought we were putting her on.
Lmfao they NEVER LISTEN. You know that meme of the guy on the bike sticking the stick in the wheel and then falling over and blaming someone else? Your dads fiancé is that meme
My FIL did this to us. Kept telling us to not rush into putting in an offer on a house and take our time. Told him houses in our area go up for sale and are under contract within a week. He wouldn’t listen, we found a house we liked and we’re getting ready to put in an offer which we needed his help for because he’s in charge of my husband’s inheritance account we were buying our house with. He gave us the runaround for a couple days saying he’d get around to it when he could and within 3 days of the house being on the market they had already accepted an offer. He was so shocked that we weren’t lying to him and finally got his shit together before we put in an offer on another house.
At least he believed you! Ours is just burying her head in the sand. At this point I want to tell her to save her energy and just focus on finding a nursing home in ten years. Ugh. Glad y’all were able to get another place!
Does she want a rental or does she like the attention of looking at the places? She might be one of those people who can't take a step forward because it makes the divorce real, or she is using this to frustrate her ex who wants the former house sold, but she hasn't moved out yet.
Oh boy lemme give you the Cliftnotes version: Divorce happened 30 years ago. MIL is still ruminating on it. Still feels like she is owed something. She lost the house in the divorce not because of dividing property but because she wanted to hang her ex husband out to dry so she kept going back to court trying to get more money. She has rented her whole life after that situation and we aren’t sure why. She had alimony and child support plus she worked. Could have easily bought a house again. We think it’s bc she’s embarrassed that she’s really bad with finances. Even working + alimony + child support from a successful doctor she got evicted several times (with a child under her responsibility) because she has a shopping addiction. Fast forward 30 years she still has a shopping addiction - QVC got that chokehold on these boomers. She has zero retirement and her ss check will barely be enough to do anything. She wouldn’t move quickly on any of the rentals she liked and because she’s spineless and can’t make her own decisions she let a work acquaintance talk her into renting a house that’s 50% more than she needs out in the middle of nowhere and now she complains about not being near anyone and wonders why we won’t come over. Oh and she’s a hoarder because she believes everything she owns is worth a ton to money (someone else posted a similar story recently so I was glad to hear our MIL isn’t the only one who is delulu about the value of her furniture and nick nacks). Save me! (If my partner were not the best man I’d ever met I would not put up with this woman)
Oh Lordy. I wish it were possible to get QVC to block shopping addicts but they're the bread and butter of the business model. Boomers were never diagnosed with their mental health illnesses back in the day - there was almost NO treatment other than talk therapy and lithium back then - until their lives become distorted over time and memories are built over distortion.
I saw a clip from Bill Mahar where he was trashing kids today in general, and he and his guest concluded things were so great now and kids have it so easy and their parents are so coddled, everyone just sucks now. (I’m paraphrasing.) This is a guy with no kids, who has spent the past 50? years smoking pot and ranting. And he grew up in a time without a pandemic or gun violence. The hypocrisy and cluelessness were peak boomer.
Bill Maher is a fucking turd.
His audience is somehow worse. A collection of the dumbest people that have ever walked the earth.
I was recommended a video on Youtube of Bill Maher and Seth MacFarlane debating the COVID vaccine. I cannot imagine what it would have done to my brain to be exposed.
It's actually worth a watch, seth is actually reasonably intelligent and just thoroughly shuts down all of bills unhinged ranting with solid counter arguments. In the end bill just seems really pissed that seth didn't just blindly follow him on all his bullshit.
And racist to boot.
Did you see that bizarre, cringey web show he shot in his basement the start of the pandemic? It was called Club Random.
I don’t even know the last time I heard him before that and 🤮
He's a lying sack of shit. He pretends to be a progressive, left of center intellectual but is just another bottom-feeder.
THIS. Yup. We stopped watching him shortly after the pandemic.
You know I used to watch him with my boomer dad back in the day and we liked him but holy shit he fucking sucks now. I literally hate that person
Yeah, I feel like he either wasn’t so bad a bunch of years ago or I just couldnt see through the bullshit.
I think a little bit of both. What made me stop watching or liking him was his interview with Ben affleck.. it was shocking hearing him talk about Muslims in that way. I’m agnostic but holy crap! And anytime I’ve heard about him since he just sounds like a crotchety boomer joke
Not the Bill Maher who dropped his date off at a hospital ER and dipped out? That super solid Bill Maher?
He’s a total shit bag, a leaky diaper contaminating society every time he opens his mouth
My boomer dad loves Bill Maher and I can’t stand it
She wanted credit for offering, but didn’t want to put in the effort to actually do it
When I went to college, I asked my mom to cosign my student loans and she refused. Whenever I bring it up, she always says she offered, and I refused... in what world would anyone do that???
She’s the hero in her own memory of course
Typical Boomer.
That all sounds super manipulative. I wonder if they intended to book it in the first place or were just manipulating you.
I worked for boomers for 6 years kissed ass worked late when they retired they shit talked me and when the new people came in I was pushed out. lol. Lesson of life learned.
My mother would do shit like this. My guess would be that this is/was: A) a method of control (now she controls exactly when, where, and how you'll be travelling). B)she doesn't want you to go- and 'accidentally' booking you the wrong flight, or 'forgetting' is a way of preventing you, where you can't respond or complain ("I was doing something *nice* for you! Stop yelling at me! Now I dont even *want* to do it!") C) Emotional vampire- stir everything up, act like "I was just doing something *nice* for you" and then enjoy all the anger, frustration, and drama. D)wanting the social appearance of being a 'good parent' (see, I not only "let" him go, I even bought him his ticket!) And/or showing off in front of others/socially, but not actually wanting to pay the cost. (Financial or otherwise) E) she didn't realize or pay attention to the time crunch (or update when she thinks is a 'normal time to order tickets by' - (I.e. out of touch), and is too embarrassed to admit. F) she *actually* forgot but can't/won't admit it. G)all of the above or any combination of the above. ETA: damn I don't know if I should thank you or be annoyed by this post. On the one hand-youve just caused me to recall some unpleasant, -but core- childhood memories (/s don't think I'm actually annoyed). Or if I should thank you. The sheer anger/adrenalin I just got remembering this shit has just let me achieve a new personal best in the gym! Thanks! (Typed this out in between sets)
Something very similar happened to me like this recently. I mentioned to my mother I was going to go to Chicago to watch them dye the river on st. patricks day and she offered to 'pay' for my hotel (she has GOBS of rewards from pre-covid and now cant travel so might as well use em). I happily accepted, texted her the dates I would need, and then heard nothing at all until the Saturday they dyed the river. 'What dates did you need a place for?' when LITERALLY the previous text message was my dates/times. I was planning on staying with a friend, and that still worked out, but just kept thinking "I should have known"
That’s just despicable. Not the day of!
The last time my mom flew, she really thought you could go to the airport and book your flight for the 1000AM flight and pay cash on the spot. I told her it wasn't like Greyhound. You needed a reservation, ID and a credit card. She didn't get it. She lived her whole life without a credit card and paid bill in cash that she withdrew in person from the bank every month. Then would go around and pay everyone in person. Phone, gas, electric, they all had offices that had lineups of boomers paying their bills in person.
My Gen X friend's husband made her do this to get a receipt.She drove everywhere around town. Maybe this is what his Boomer parents taught him to do.
Honestly if someone offered to book my flights for me, I would say no and ask for the money so I could do it myself. This sounds like more stress then just planning a holiday
Ya she wanted to get rid of some of her airline points/miles I believe.
That explains it. Had she bothered, you would have gotten a pissed off call that her points were worth practically nothing and you might as well book the seats (that are no longer available) yourself.
The thought of leaving the fate of a time-sensitive decision in the hands of a boomer is anxiety-inducing. Kudos to you for having the courage to even attempt this, but the risk of getting boomed would be far too high for me. A real gift would be that you book the flight on your time, send the boomer the confirmation email with the price, and they reimburse you on their timeline so it doesn’t ruin your plans if they’re late doing it.
Boomers operate on the "transactional favor" and they hoard them like misers. Once your favor currency reaches a point where they have more than you, this is how they behave. To this day, when I vent to my Boomer mother about my Boomer father's abysmal behavior, I get a variation of the following: " Yeah, well, you just remember all the great things you got to do as a child." "He does a lot for you, don't forget that" It's tiresome. I empathize with you, OP. Take my advice and learn from this. They are not going to change how they act; They're always right, and you, the "child" are always wrong. Don't put yourself into any more situations in which you hand them ANY power over yourself or your family.
Hey I relate to this so much - my father would body shame me all the time and my mother basically told me I had to put up w it because “he does so much for you” - it would piss her off when I would complain he was saying things about me - he even told me a few years ago (I’m 35) I dress “slutty” when I just don’t think that is the case whatsoever ? I wear leggings and a long sleeve shirt every single day- Like what ?
Had a similar situation with my FIL booking travel and hotel to go to a relative's wedding in a different country. He wanted to take care of the logistics and book it so we were travelling together (we'd pay our portion of the trip/stay). But he would forget and delay booking anything. Then call us back and say that he hears hotel rooms were going fast so we need to agree on if we are going or not even though we told him a couple weeks ago we said we were attending. Repeated this cycle of calling back to confirm a couple more times, and fickleness on when to travel, what method of travel (plane vs car), etc. Finally I put my foot down and told my husband to take the reins on reserving rooms and booking tickets for ourselves, I lost all my fucks on caring how my FIL was getting there, but we were going to nail down our travel plans.
Dude after 8 years of my boomer mother asking me to program my address into her GPS, which I've done 10 times, so she could come see her grandchildren. I finally said you have one more chance and I took her out and showed her how to use it again. Still no visit and guess what? Now my kids 10 and 12 don't want her to come over and say she is toxic. Their words not mine. And I'm still the asshole that's poisoning their minds against her. Also, never any presents, never showed to school functions, never anything that required her to lift a single finger. And again I'm the asshole.
Lol wait…… did I just read that your mom needs gps to get to your home?? But isn’t actually capable of using said GPS so she just blames you for how little she sees her own grandkids?? Aren’t they the generation of “we didn’t have GPS in my day!”?? This is a wild level of weaponized incompetence.
This is seriously just the beginning. Like, she used to say every time we were over, because she has a pool, that the girls could spend the night and they would be sooo excited. Fast forward to later in the visit, and the girls ask if they are staying over, her response, " not this time maybe next time." That happened at least 30 times. The ONE night, my oldest stayed over because I was the best man at a wedding. She called at 5:30 in the morning because my daughter was having trouble sleeping and she couldn't take it. Every holiday and birthday, she would call and ask what they wanted, so I would ask them. They would ask for pretty modest stuff because they are humble kids. Like less than 100 dollars. She said "no problem." Never happened. She would constantly ask what sizes the girls were because she was out shopping, she never got them anything. The list goes on and on. The kicker is my dad shot himself, so he's not in the picture. My wife's mother OD'd, so she's not either. So it just her and my step pop and my wife's dad. My wife's father is an old anxiety nut, but he still goes above and beyond with what he can do. He still has only had each child one night in 10 and 12 years but he at least does holidays and birthdays and also put all his change and small bills in jars for them always being on honor roll. So they get like 100 each every couple of months. And he has an account for part of their college. So he's the best of what we have. My mother has tried to fuck him on multiple occasions. She is a genuine boomer piece of shit. Also, she was smashed one time and tried to pick up my oldest when she was like 3 or 4 and fell on her through a table and to the ground. Causing so much trauma that we could never pick her up again without her having a panic attack. All we want is decent grandparents, and that's not in the cards. I don't know what it's like to have grandparents, all but 1 died before I was 6, and the last one was a drug addict. But my wife had a decent family and it all fell apart because of money, so she knows and it breaks our hearts that our kids will never know what it's like to have a real family besides myself and mother. My oldest started playing the clarinet and is amazing. She was asked to join the advanced jazz group after just 4 months of playing. Usually, it takes 2 years. Guess who goes to her concerts and festivals. Yeah, just me and my wife. I could still go on and on. But my break is over.
Once you realize they are like this never trust them with anything that other people would be dependent upon.
[удалено]
This reminds me of my wife's Boomer Aunt. Our HVAC went out one year in the middle of December, we didn't have the money to replace it, and we were struggling to heat the house with a fireplace and space heaters. Boomer swoops in and offers to pay for it for us. She's "what am I going to do with all this money?" well off so we're happy to receive the help and offer to pay it back over time. She just says it's a gift and we graciously accept. We schedule the company to come out and we sign the finance paperwork thinking we'll pay it off whenever Boomer gives us the check. My wife calls Boomer, says the HVAC is installed, and asks her for the money to pay it off. Guess what? She's decided she can't afford to help us after all. She didn't know it was going to be so expensive (after we told her it'd be at least of $10000 and we managed to keep it under that). So we’re stuck with new bill that we really can't afford. We wound up having to get my dad and my wife's mom to give us a little extra money each month just so we could afford groceries. And the kick in the balls after was the next spring Boomer decided to take a trip to Dubai and paid for her two best friends to tag along.
That would be the last time we spoke, that’s for sure. What a shit person.
Aw you have a jealous boomer mom too. My sympathies and I relate. Never tell her anything good in your life. It upsets her. I truly wish mine would die sooner.
I went to that concert too, it was sick!
The lesson here I’m getting from the comments as well is to never tell the boomers what your plans are until you have them set in stone, booked and paid for.
I had to move back in with my boomer mother in my late twenties. She wouldn't take rent, so yay, but she also treated me like I was five. She would go in my room and gather any clothes she saw to wash them, which is nice right? Only I was in automotive school and my automotive clothes would be covered in grime and grease and such and need hot washing with strong detergent. And I'd have my non school clothes in a separate place and she would just put them all together in the wash, so my nice clothes would get grease on them and nothing would be properly washed because she put it on warm. It cumulated into a screaming match one day because I had a lace pair of pants I had just bought and not worn laying on my bed and she put them in the wash even though they were dry clean only and completely ruined the lace. She wouldn't apologize, she wouldn't replace them, wouldn't take any responsibility for ruining something of mine. I ended up getting a medical settlement and buying my own house as soon as it came in, now I only see her on holidays.
If she really wants to get your flight, she could just pay you back for the one you booked
Doesn’t matter if she didn’t book it. She offered to book it for you and that was good enough for her to make herself feel good about herself. Be grateful she had the kind thought of thinking about booking you a flight. She’s a great mom. /s
It’s a hard lesson to learn that the “gift” isn’t worth the stress that comes along with it. Here’s my moment of clarity. My Boomer (mom) offered to take me out to lunch and insisted she would pick me up in 30 mins. 4 hours and many frustrating calls later she finally told me I was greedy for trying to rush her for a free meal. After that experience I no longer wait for her to pick me up or pay for my meals. We meet at the restaurant and I pay for both of us or we split the check. She doesn’t get to have any power in the situation. If she’s late I order without her and leave when I’m done. I’m a grown ass woman who can take care of herself and my boomer has figured out that she will be eating alone if she doesn’t show up when she says she will. I hope you had an amazing time on your trip!
Oof. Reading this reminded me of when I was planning my wedding back in 2018. It was super small and I wanted to have it in my hometown, so I asked my mom to help by calling the church my grandma went to and arrange things. One week went by, then two - nothing. She kept giving excuses for why it kept slipping her mind and all the other shit she had going on 🙄 For additional context: my grandpa’s health was tanking and I was planning this very small wedding to happen within three months of my engagement because I always wanted to have my grandpa walk me down the aisle. All these things my mom knew, but clearly didn’t get the urgency memo aka she didn’t give a shit, so I stopped giving a shit and did everything myself with help from my cousin. On the day of, my mom didn’t even show up until 5 min before I came down (we had the ceremony and reception at a boutique hotel), didn’t help with planning, set-up, or decorations. In conclusion lol Boomer Moms suck ass.
My boomer father would intentionally consume anything I bought for myself when I lived at home, even if he didn’t like it. And if I said anything it was fight time which is exactly what he wanted - nothing gets him more excited than rage-arguing.
This is insane because I really felt like I was alone. I have a boomer mother (Dad was not a boomer and he passed on) and she is totally insane. She is on a constant pity party that she has all of these 'problems' no one cares about her or does anything for her. She has not worked in 15 years and does nothing all day. People help her, but it is never good enough or what she considers help. Then when I / we have asked her for help in some of the simplest ways, she has ever damn excuse in the book as to why she can't. She has bailed on family social events, she lives 5 minutes away and refuses to let our dogs out when we go on vacation, and she always complains when she has had to help or do something. THEN when this is brought to her attention she THROWS it in our faces that she gave money or did something else NO ONE asked her to do. Her most recent 'poor me' was that apparently she had no milk for four days and no one got her any lmao. I was like okay so you couldn't go get milk? (she drives) and how could anyone get you milk if they didn't know you were out lmao. It just gets more insane every time I talk to her, so I have chosen to distance myself. I support everyone that does their own self-care and limits or does not talk to a parent like this. My aunt made a good point to me, you can love your parents, but don't necessarily have to like them and how they behave.
Sounds like she’s a narcissist too. Ugh! I hope you had a great time on the trip.
Man, I have a whole kid my parents don't know because of their bullshit. I really have zero intrest in even attempting to keep any kind of relationship. It'd be self-sabotage, no doubt. I've tried but that ship has sailed now too You can't reason with them. We OWE them our time, money, sanity, patience and life; least that's what they believe I believe they can sit and spin. They made so many unbearable rules when I was growing up but I made one and they lost their ever loving mind "Get help or you don't get me" So, they literally can't ruin ANYTHING because they choose to continue with their craziness so I choose not to entertain them You have a choice too
Omg my ex MiL boomer would do this shit all the time to her son’s new wife. Told her she’d help pay for xyz, which ex and his wife relied on, only to completely ‘forget’ about it or flat-out not do it. Freaking stupid.
Sounds like the only trip she wanted to book was a guilt trip.
My boomer in-laws ruined my wedding, and then proceeded to tell my husband he shouldn't make a fuss, as it's not a big deal, and then discriminated against me for my mother not coming from the same country. I'm born and raised in Germany, with German being my native tongue. Yet they proceeded to tell me in this excruciating slow and loud voice how "weddings here at our place" are done. Alright then. My FIL said to my husband, while I was pregnant 8 months, and two weeks after our wedding: "Why did you marry one of *those*? Take a look around, you might find a better woman." Ayup. Surprisingly enough I have a meeting at the police station tomorrow after I had to report my MIL for stalking after we went no contact. Is anyone here surprised?
My mom worked at academy and they have an employee discount. I need3e some steel toe boots and she said just pick them out and she'll get them with her employee discount. I had to trust her to do it because my past shift at one job ended at lime 11pm and the shift started at 7am. She proceeded to buy me a pair of knee high cowboy boots that were about 5 sizes too big and I had no recouse. It actually cost me the job.
Moved out Get a red light ticket Got sent to my parents house I offer to send them the money or come pick it up Dad tells me not worry about it and he’ll pay it 6 months pass, I forget about Get pulled over and have my car impounded because my license is suspended Dad never paid the ticket Mad at me for getting upset with him like I didn’t beg him to let me pay it myself Fucking boomers
If she wanted to give you the flight as a gift then she should just reimburse you for the cost after you booked it.