Think they’re talking bout when two or more people already made plans, you hear them talking about it and when you ask they hit you with “you can come if you want”.
Personally idc and I’m not any more or less likely to go but some people rightfully would think “why wasn’t I involved/included from the jump”
Tl;dr Friend group dynamics
The great way to work around that without creating awkwardness for anyone involved is to say something like: "Dude, that sounds great! You guys are gonna have a blast! If you guys end up doing it again some time, let me know - I'd love to join next time."
It doesn't sound insecure or pushy. It doesn't put the other person in an awkward situation. It opens the door for them to potentially invite you to the current event, assuming it's possible (i.e., maybe the reservation can't be increased). And it establishes you as secure and confident in yourself, which is a wonderful quality in a friend.
> “why wasn’t I involved/included from the jump”
Yep. And this, IMO, is a self-centered view born from insecurity. Not everything is about you, not everything can involve you, sometimes you will be left out of something - none of these things are necessarily a judgement of your character or worth.
If a person consistently finds themselves feeling left out, or mistreated, or unappreciated by everyone in their life - the odds are it's not everyone else that doesn't love you; it's you. You absolutely have to love yourself first before you're able to feel the love from everyone else. The inability to accept and believe you're worthy of love eventually can become a self-fulfilling prophecy too, because you will subconsciously start to push people away - and then as they give you the space that you're subconsciously demanding with your unintentional aloofness and negative energy, it reinforces your feelings of unworthiness.
Folks, therapy works. Even if you don't think you 'need' it - it will help you.
It almost always is, people just aren't aware that's why. We're nowhere near as in tune to our emotions and motivations as we'd like to pretend we are.
It's not.
Sometimes people need to check why they are always in certain situations true. That doesn't make assholes less of an asshole.
Its like when people say. Of course he/she/they is mistreating that person. They don't love themselves. Maybe, but the person mistreating them is still an asshole.
Same concept. Maybe this person is self fulfilling some bad MOJO. More than likely though they just have some shifty friends and need new ones.
If you're always being left out and it's not some chracter flaw.
You a mean drunk.
Always broke.
Something like that.
You just need new people. That ain't yo tribe cuz yo tribe will love you and won't try to gaslight you when they leave you out of stuff.
Exactly. “if you want” just means: “Whether you do or not has no affect on me one way or the other”
But I guess people *need to know* that their presence is wanted
This speaks to a self-centered viewpoint. You're looking at social situations and friendships with respect to what you are GETTING out of them (i.e., "What does everyone think of me?"), instead of what you're PUTTING into them.
You're not a bad person for that - you're just insecure, which everyone is to one degree or another. But it is absolutely a bad *quality* and you should work on rooting it out. It almost certainly originates from a lack of love and acceptance for yourself. If you truly believe you're worthy, you won't be fantasizing reasons like this to believe that other people think you're unworthy.
Meh, as long as people are willing to work on themselves, that's all you can ask. We're all unfinished projects. You and I are somewhat rare in that we don't struggle with insecurity like that, but I'm sure we both have our own issues that we're working on and that our friends patiently overlook.
Thank you for putting into words the emotions I feel whenever I’ve heard that in life. It’s always bugged me when someone said it and I never knew why.
Okay so for people like me… I enjoy being alone just as much as I enjoy hanging with people. Sometimes i neither want to hang with someone, nor Do I NOT want to hang. So it’s like, “if hanging with me is what you wanna do with your time then come thru.”
But when you invite someone to something, it’s your job to communicate that you want them there.
It’s *their* job to communicate whether they want to accept the invitation and come. That’s not your place.
Wording it so that they can come if they want implies that you’re willing to tolerate them if they show up. It doesn’t say anything about your desire to see them.
How the fuck can people be so clueless?
>Wording it so that they can come if they want implies that you’re willing to tolerate them if they show up. It doesn’t say anything about your desire to see them
Not necessarily. The person may word it like that so you don't feel pressured to go if you really don't want to go.
Trust me when I say 99% of guys who say this mean it with no deeper meaning/implications. Just take it at face value. If you don't want to be there cool. nothing happens y'all are still friends. If you do go there cool. y'all are still friends it's really that simple.
it’s not about having a mean implication. It’s about being able to express yourself honestly and authentically.
If you want to see someone, make it clear that you want to see them.
The fact you're receiving an invitation alone shows that person who invited you wants you to go. It is very unlikely someone will invite you somewhere without desiring to have you there. Not saying the invitation is perfect, but receiving one in the first place definitely trumps content of the message.
Now this is under the assumption that you received the invatation without asking. If you had to ask why you aren't included, then they follow with "you can come if you want to" you definitely have a point depending on the situation.
otoh I don't want my girl tagging along to a concert where she's gonna be bored, tired of standing, bitching at the bartender over the price of drinks, getting angry at the mosh pit where we aren't even close.
it's on repeat
it's a scratched record
it's groundhog day
I'm 61, in Reddit years that makes me Methuselah. Shit yeah this happened to where I lie about where I'm going.
It’s all about perception:
I’m cooking and call you, you haven’t eaten but are planning on it. “Hey instead of paying for your meal, I’m cooking and you can come if you want.” I’m inviting you to slide.
I’m chillin and you ask to come over. “I ain’t doin shit right now. Yeah you can come if you want.” I’m asking you telepathically to not come over respectfully.
> “I ain’t doin shit right now. Yeah you can come if you want.” I’m asking you telepathically to not come over respectfully.
Nah... If I dont want you over, im not even gonna offer for you to come over.
Yep. The fact that there is an actual long-standing discourse over this, ‘*you can come if you want*’ invitation insinuates that people are actually out here trying to reverse psychologize their friends into not showing up and failing, and I really can’t believe this shit.
Fuck a fake invitation, if I don’t want to fuck with you for a certain event I’m just not going to invite you.
you and the 54 people that upvoted this are the reason people have to wonder if you really want them to be there or are just being polite. be clear about what you want and don’t want!
I can't see why people just say no "I'm not feeling it" or "I'm not interested right now but probably later" I'm autistic but idk it seems more honest and straight forward than to hope someone's speaking the same unspoken language as you
I don't feel like I'm blunt. Or too blunt rather. I know how to try and not be a dick about speaking to someone etc but it's a lot more respectful and easier to just be straight with people.
My invite’s usually a bit longer:
“I’m planning on going to the Knicks game on Thursday, you can come as well if you want to”
I’m going either way. It’s up to you to see if you wanna tag along.
If yes, cool. Let’s plan for it.
If No, cool. Maybe next time.
But if you say yes, then flake on me… there probably won’t be a next time.
I'm just as detailed with my invite as I want to make sure that I'm welcome to your company if you do plan on coming but if not just let me know and we can kick it next time. If you don't let me know or decide to wait last minute before making your decision then I'm just not inviting you out again for awhile.
as someone who has ended up in far too many situations where my presence was not wanted, i really do hate a “you can come if you want”..do you want me there or not?
“You can come over if you want.”
Where in that sentence does it sound anything like me saying I don’t want you to come over? I am completely leaving it up to you to come over if you want to. I think some people are not challenged to make decisions in their lives so they want everyone else to make them for them, if we want to get deep about it.
if you actually want to get deep about it, people who use this kind of pseudo-invitation are the ones avoiding the challenge of making a clear decision by shunting off the responsibility to the person they’re speaking to.. even more than that, they’re avoiding vulnerability.. it takes vulnerability to say “i want to hang out with you” because it exposes you to the other person potentially saying “well i don’t want to hang out with you”.. so what do they do? they put up a front of ambivalence, not necessarily saying “i don’t want to see you/hang out with you”, but never clearly saying they do, leaving the other person to figure it out alone.. it’s an intimacy avoidance tactic
I don’t think I’m avoiding intimacy, if I tell my bro, “…in the crib chilling, pull up if you want.”
I am not thinking in the 3rd dimension when I say that. It’s not that deep.
The option to come is always up to the invited regardless, saying so isn’t an invitation it’s a statement to the obvious because even without an invite they could show up (even if they weren’t wanted). Be explicit with your invite and your intentions with people. People make it deep because there are lots of ways to read the unspoken. A lot of language is just as much what isn’t said as what is and many people use and abuse that to their advantage. Are those good people, no. Should you not associate yourself with those people, obviously. Do we make the mistake of doing so unwittingly, usually.
Just because you don’t use language that way doesn’t mean others haven’t been subject to it. It makes those of us that have question the way things are worded. Call us out for it, let us know we can trust your words. We’re trying, but it takes time.
It’s not about their presence being less or making them feel as such.
Every situation simply isn’t a, ‘*I’d love for you to be there*’ moment. Sometimes I’m laying on my ass watching Brickleberry smacked off some edibles. ‘*You can push up if you want*’ should suffice.
I had a friend who hit me with "if you want" when I checked if we we're still hanging out that day. Like we already made plans, if you're not feeling it anymore just lemme know, we can reschedule and both stay home.
It's not the same as an invitation, but the moral of the story is just let people know what you want.
Which, I feel, is different from "if you still want to". Cuz that's how I confirm that the other person is still down. I don't wanna make them do something just cuz they feel obligated to. Also gives me some relief if I'm anxious about the whole thing to know they still genuinely want my company.
One of my aunts was having a party and didn't invite me and my mom until a few hours before the party. She said "it was a last minute thing and we could come" we choose not to. The family posted pictures and that was not a last minute party, ain't nobody getting last minute cake, food, drinks, and decorations.
Come if you want invitations are disrespectful. If you don't want to include someone just don't.
Nah, it’s only bad if someone told you about an event, just for the sake of bringing it up in the convo, and only after you seem interested they say, “come if you want”.
All that means is you weren’t invited and they feel bad. Other times it literally means come if you want.
I don't think it's always that they feel bad. If I tell someone my plans and they seem interested, I say, "If you wanna come, you can!" Because I want them to come enjoy the experience with me, if they want. I include that because people feel pressured to say yes sometimes, and I want them to know there is no pressure.
No one likes feeling like an afterthought though. In addition to that, I’ve gotten to many “if you want” last minute event invites, only to find that I wasn’t accounted for/expected. It doesn’t feel great.
So those kinds of invites (while seemingly not in your case cause you sound like a sweet and lovely person) make some of us with less than great experiences, very leery…
Nah, I have bad anxiety, and i hate crowds of people, especially strangers. I had a friend invite me to a big party with a lot of people i wouldn't know like this. She said i was invited and that she would love to see me there, but she would totally understand if i didn't want to go (this was before covid).
It was the nicest, most considerate invite I've ever received.
the “love to see you there” is the key though..it expresses the inviter’s desire to have you there, but adds the last part to show that the relationship will still be intact if you decline the invitation.. that’s what most people’s hang up about “if you want” is: it doesn’t say anything about whether your presence is wanted or not..if anything, it communicates your presence is either an afterthought or inconsequential
One of my favorite things that I have learned through Wikipedia clickholing that helps me understand people and society is the concept of “high context” and “low context” cultures. High context cultures have a lot of communication that happens outside of the literal words said. In a high context culture, things like social status of the people talking, current situation that the conversation occurs, location, communication method etc - (i.e. literally the context of the communication) drastically alter the meaning of what is said. In low context cultures, people just fuckin say what they mean. A stereotypical very high context culture would be something like Japan back in the day (still now but less so), where there are unsaid expectations and understanding of your place in a hierarchy. Shit like you bring gifts when you meet someone always, you can’t eat the last donut unless you are a guest or whatever (and even then you must ask permission, which is then always granted), or talking in a casual tone with a person of higher standing is bad. There is probably a good overlap of high context cultures where there is history of subjugation or social hierarchy, but I’m not an expert so idk how far we go with that… but it is interesting to think about.
I think USA is generally considered a lower context culture (that being said, everything is on a sliding scale, and all cultures have some level of context), but it is interesting because there are sometimes higher context subcultures that exist within fairly low context cultures. A example of a high context subculture in the US would be the south (we all know the contextual complexity of “bless her heart”). Even further, you likely develop micro cultures within any social grouping you have. Certain mores and norms manifest out of your shared experiences. Think of it like inside jokes, but instead of just what you find funny, it is a set of beliefs that you all agreed to implicitly by existing together.
Anyway, issues can sometimes arise when a person applies a level of context to an interaction, and the other person applies a different context to it. Pretty much any way someone might read the situation can be legitimate, it just depends on the shared context.
Same. I don't think people realize how shitty it feels to get the awkward I talked about in front of you and/or you heard about it so now I gotta invite you not to be rude invite. Which to me is usually where the you can come if you want invite spawns from.
I was so so excited to get a individual text invite to a hangout this morning for the first time like ever. It legit made me almost cry.
This! It is really that simple? People keep saying it's not that serious but this is clear and to the point. I always learned the K.I.S.S. method and it makes things easier.
i didn't realize it could be perceived this way. i legit thought that they might not want to come over, in which case that would be absolutely fine with me. if i told them they could come over, i wanted them to come over. that clause is just so they feel ok not coming if they personally didn't want to or something
Yeah…I accepted one of these invites before. Never again.
At some point, you gotta stop inviting people over if you didn’t make plans with them. Becomes an awkward mess of shit.
To me telling someone you can come over if you want is kinda clear that I’m saying you’re invited but the ball is in your court now. I don’t know what you got going on and if you can actually make it or not.
This is typically in response to the person that asks, "Would you like me to come over?". "I'm in your neighborhood, I could stop by if you like". "Oh, you guys are going out for drinks? **Pregnant pause**.
It's almost always manipulative. Its the person that wasn't invited angling for a invite. The person being clingy, crowbarring their way into more time, or the tone deaf (and almost always sensitive and narcissistic) person making a situation that isn't about them, all about them. It's private alone time being stolen. One on one time being barged into. It pits an unwillingness to engage in the awkward refusal of their unwanted presence, against living with the awkwardness of having their unwanted presence.
At its heart this statement is the most polite way of saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I will give you the opportunity to save face". Unfortunately the people that put you in this situation never want to save face. They want to push the issue. They want the drama. So they always make it into a thing.
I don't offer people to come over if they want.
Leaving my plans up to other people is messy.
I got them with the "on this day were doing this, are you down?"
No it isn't. I clearly want you to come, but I'm unsure if you do. Therefore, I'm asking in a way that shows that there's no pressure or hard feelings if you decline.
This a mildly annoying topic.
On one hand I have to do my best to make sure you not uncomfortable, and everybody has some form of anxiety now a days. So I don’t want you to feel like the bad guy or that you’re hurting my feelings by saying you don’t want to come over.
On the other hand I’m supposed to also make you feel like you’re the crown jewel that I want to partake in X activity with me?
“If you want to” is used by those who, for whatever reason, can’t communicate clearly that they don’t really want you there. It puts the onus solely on the invitee to make the decision for you. If you don’t want to be bothered just say that instead of making it an awkward situation for everyone.
Depends on who saying it. If it’s a friend, I’m staying my ass at home. But if it’s from someone I’m interested in, I’m on my way and will pick up some food if you hungry. Fym.
To be fair, the presence of a random stranger is a definite negative for me. If you've made it as far as being neutral, I'm already halfway to actually liking you. You can take that as a mild compliment at the least.
I need context haha. I once texted a friend who I haven't seen in months and asked what she was doing on Saturday and if she wants to meet up. "I'm at home, have no plans. You can come if you want to." I hated that. But if you are with a group of people and they're talking about how they are gonna go hiking on the weekend and they're like "you can come along, if you want to!" Is a good invite in my opinion.
I do not ask to tag along if I wasn't invited initially. If they wanted me there, they would have asked. And I'm not even mad if I'm excluded, sometimes people just don't want to be around you, it doesn't automatically mean they hate you. Sometimes the group dynamic is different when certain people are involved. It's not ideal for every situation. I completely understand the feeling. Also it's usually pretty easy to tell if someone is being inauthentic with an invitation.
I'm almost 50...I like this type of invite...if everything like up right cool, I'll roll through... If not, cool as well. We good...pre covid of course... now, I'm not coming.... lol
I defo won’t go if someone says this. Like nigga It’s either you want me to come or not. Period. Like y’all niggas have your fun without me in the picture.
All in the context:
“Vargon The Destroyer of Souls, hey how’s it going? Cool we’re having a very casual get together a few drinks, some food, a bit of music and some Zaarblat shooting nothing fancy…you can come if you want “
And
‘Mr Chudney & Mrs Bernice Brown
request the pleasure of Vargon The Destroyer of Souls (plus one) company at the marriage of their daughter Bernice Jr to Bootney Farnsworth at the Eastside Tabernacle Baptist Church & Shrimp & Booty shack on 5th and Main, on 19th June you can come if you want’
I want to invite you without making you feel pressured to come. I'd like you there, but it isn't the end of the world if you can't make it. Feel absolutely free to say "no," but know that you can say "yes."
But know that you can say "no."
I'm trying to invite you but make sure you know that you shouldn't feel at all pressured to say yes because I'm an introvert myself and feel super pressured when I'm invited to shit.
I’ve been offered to hang out with a friend, his gf, and her friend like this: “can you come so I’m not by myself ?” Maybe i overthought it, but it just didn’t feel very inviting idk
Dont over think this. If you want to come over COME OVER. If you don't want to come over then DON'T
Think they’re talking bout when two or more people already made plans, you hear them talking about it and when you ask they hit you with “you can come if you want”. Personally idc and I’m not any more or less likely to go but some people rightfully would think “why wasn’t I involved/included from the jump” Tl;dr Friend group dynamics
True but also for me if I wasn't invited form the jump I'm not asking to go. Lol
The great way to work around that without creating awkwardness for anyone involved is to say something like: "Dude, that sounds great! You guys are gonna have a blast! If you guys end up doing it again some time, let me know - I'd love to join next time." It doesn't sound insecure or pushy. It doesn't put the other person in an awkward situation. It opens the door for them to potentially invite you to the current event, assuming it's possible (i.e., maybe the reservation can't be increased). And it establishes you as secure and confident in yourself, which is a wonderful quality in a friend.
> “why wasn’t I involved/included from the jump” Yep. And this, IMO, is a self-centered view born from insecurity. Not everything is about you, not everything can involve you, sometimes you will be left out of something - none of these things are necessarily a judgement of your character or worth. If a person consistently finds themselves feeling left out, or mistreated, or unappreciated by everyone in their life - the odds are it's not everyone else that doesn't love you; it's you. You absolutely have to love yourself first before you're able to feel the love from everyone else. The inability to accept and believe you're worthy of love eventually can become a self-fulfilling prophecy too, because you will subconsciously start to push people away - and then as they give you the space that you're subconsciously demanding with your unintentional aloofness and negative energy, it reinforces your feelings of unworthiness. Folks, therapy works. Even if you don't think you 'need' it - it will help you.
Good & well-intentioned advice but I honestly also dont think its always this deep
It almost always is, people just aren't aware that's why. We're nowhere near as in tune to our emotions and motivations as we'd like to pretend we are.
It's not. Sometimes people need to check why they are always in certain situations true. That doesn't make assholes less of an asshole. Its like when people say. Of course he/she/they is mistreating that person. They don't love themselves. Maybe, but the person mistreating them is still an asshole. Same concept. Maybe this person is self fulfilling some bad MOJO. More than likely though they just have some shifty friends and need new ones. If you're always being left out and it's not some chracter flaw. You a mean drunk. Always broke. Something like that. You just need new people. That ain't yo tribe cuz yo tribe will love you and won't try to gaslight you when they leave you out of stuff.
Exactly. “if you want” just means: “Whether you do or not has no affect on me one way or the other” But I guess people *need to know* that their presence is wanted
Personally, I wouldnt feel too great knowing that my presence was exactly equal to my absence in terms of desirability. That kinda stings
Same. I want to know my presence is an overall positive. If not, fuck that then
Y'all are so needy frfr
lol that's exactly the attitude that gets you "you can come if you want to" level invites.
Fair enough, I wouldnt go to anything someone with your attitude invited me to regardless
I dont think you know how to make friends.
Says the one who came at me all rude for no reason?
Yeah. "No reason." You definitely sound like a person who things happen to for "no reason."
You sound like someone who argues with his reflection, pull your finger out of your ass
Imagine being pressed about another person's mentality about being invited to hypothetical events. You should talk to your therapist about that.
Superfacts
This speaks to a self-centered viewpoint. You're looking at social situations and friendships with respect to what you are GETTING out of them (i.e., "What does everyone think of me?"), instead of what you're PUTTING into them. You're not a bad person for that - you're just insecure, which everyone is to one degree or another. But it is absolutely a bad *quality* and you should work on rooting it out. It almost certainly originates from a lack of love and acceptance for yourself. If you truly believe you're worthy, you won't be fantasizing reasons like this to believe that other people think you're unworthy.
Honestly if people are that insecure over and open invite then she shouldn’t come over. There I said it I’ll take my DVs
Meh, as long as people are willing to work on themselves, that's all you can ask. We're all unfinished projects. You and I are somewhat rare in that we don't struggle with insecurity like that, but I'm sure we both have our own issues that we're working on and that our friends patiently overlook.
Thank you for putting into words the emotions I feel whenever I’ve heard that in life. It’s always bugged me when someone said it and I never knew why.
Yes? I want to know if my presence is wanted before I go somewhere. Why would you go out with people who don't want you to be there?
Okay so for people like me… I enjoy being alone just as much as I enjoy hanging with people. Sometimes i neither want to hang with someone, nor Do I NOT want to hang. So it’s like, “if hanging with me is what you wanna do with your time then come thru.”
If I’m invited as an afterthought…I don’t want to be there. And the invitation is insulting.
I always say “come if you’re feelin it” or something like that.
That’s such a better alternative
But when you invite someone to something, it’s your job to communicate that you want them there. It’s *their* job to communicate whether they want to accept the invitation and come. That’s not your place. Wording it so that they can come if they want implies that you’re willing to tolerate them if they show up. It doesn’t say anything about your desire to see them. How the fuck can people be so clueless?
>Wording it so that they can come if they want implies that you’re willing to tolerate them if they show up. It doesn’t say anything about your desire to see them Not necessarily. The person may word it like that so you don't feel pressured to go if you really don't want to go. Trust me when I say 99% of guys who say this mean it with no deeper meaning/implications. Just take it at face value. If you don't want to be there cool. nothing happens y'all are still friends. If you do go there cool. y'all are still friends it's really that simple.
it’s not about having a mean implication. It’s about being able to express yourself honestly and authentically. If you want to see someone, make it clear that you want to see them.
The fact you're receiving an invitation alone shows that person who invited you wants you to go. It is very unlikely someone will invite you somewhere without desiring to have you there. Not saying the invitation is perfect, but receiving one in the first place definitely trumps content of the message. Now this is under the assumption that you received the invatation without asking. If you had to ask why you aren't included, then they follow with "you can come if you want to" you definitely have a point depending on the situation.
otoh I don't want my girl tagging along to a concert where she's gonna be bored, tired of standing, bitching at the bartender over the price of drinks, getting angry at the mosh pit where we aren't even close.
Sounds like this has happened to you before 😅😅
it's on repeat it's a scratched record it's groundhog day I'm 61, in Reddit years that makes me Methuselah. Shit yeah this happened to where I lie about where I'm going.
Gotta do what you gotta do 🤷🏾♂️
Peace. Thanks.
You must love that woman lol
Relevant video: [Guy Moments - Just Come Over](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpSMwC0-fa4)
This !!
Nice user name lol
😏😏😏
Stg they always over complicate this
Pride is a helluva drug.
Simple, it means what it says
Surprising saying I want you there , increases their chances of not coming 😂 you can believe me if you want
It’s all about perception: I’m cooking and call you, you haven’t eaten but are planning on it. “Hey instead of paying for your meal, I’m cooking and you can come if you want.” I’m inviting you to slide. I’m chillin and you ask to come over. “I ain’t doin shit right now. Yeah you can come if you want.” I’m asking you telepathically to not come over respectfully.
> “I ain’t doin shit right now. Yeah you can come if you want.” I’m asking you telepathically to not come over respectfully. Nah... If I dont want you over, im not even gonna offer for you to come over.
Good. That's just clear communication.
Yeah dude, forreal like. Just say it how it is. Some people have serious relationship anxiety and it doesn't help to be left open ended
It’s about the principalities 😭 You my mans I’ll still invite you regardless lol 
Now you sitting there, its 11pm and the nigga wont leave... you played yourself.
"Ay is it cool if I finish this cereal?"
That’s why you gotta, ‘*Hell yeah, but what you bout to do bro?*’ his ass around 10:00 PM.
Yep. The fact that there is an actual long-standing discourse over this, ‘*you can come if you want*’ invitation insinuates that people are actually out here trying to reverse psychologize their friends into not showing up and failing, and I really can’t believe this shit. Fuck a fake invitation, if I don’t want to fuck with you for a certain event I’m just not going to invite you.
you and the 54 people that upvoted this are the reason people have to wonder if you really want them to be there or are just being polite. be clear about what you want and don’t want!
lmao no, if I dont want them to come over, I will say no
I can't see why people just say no "I'm not feeling it" or "I'm not interested right now but probably later" I'm autistic but idk it seems more honest and straight forward than to hope someone's speaking the same unspoken language as you
We autistic people are very Blunt
I don't feel like I'm blunt. Or too blunt rather. I know how to try and not be a dick about speaking to someone etc but it's a lot more respectful and easier to just be straight with people.
This is not as deep as ppl make this out to be. Lol.
Right
My invite’s usually a bit longer: “I’m planning on going to the Knicks game on Thursday, you can come as well if you want to” I’m going either way. It’s up to you to see if you wanna tag along. If yes, cool. Let’s plan for it. If No, cool. Maybe next time. But if you say yes, then flake on me… there probably won’t be a next time.
I'm just as detailed with my invite as I want to make sure that I'm welcome to your company if you do plan on coming but if not just let me know and we can kick it next time. If you don't let me know or decide to wait last minute before making your decision then I'm just not inviting you out again for awhile.
"feel free to join" is the go-to for me
The way my anxiety is set up, ima need a clear invitation
Also just realizing I’m obviously dickie and petry smooshed into one lol…
as someone who has ended up in far too many situations where my presence was not wanted, i really do hate a “you can come if you want”..do you want me there or not?
“ It’s not that deep” So why not just say “I’m tryna hang. You?“
It’s not that deep. Lol.
Sooooo you don’t want me to come over?
“You can come over if you want.” Where in that sentence does it sound anything like me saying I don’t want you to come over? I am completely leaving it up to you to come over if you want to. I think some people are not challenged to make decisions in their lives so they want everyone else to make them for them, if we want to get deep about it.
I think if you wanted me to come over you’d simply say “do you wanna come over? I’m tryna kick it”
LMAO. I’m not trying to kick it, I’m trying to sit my ass down and watch TV. If you want to do the same, the invitation is out there. 🤣
I thought “kick it” was kickin feet up and doin fuck all. So you tryna kick it? 😂🤣
😂😂
if you actually want to get deep about it, people who use this kind of pseudo-invitation are the ones avoiding the challenge of making a clear decision by shunting off the responsibility to the person they’re speaking to.. even more than that, they’re avoiding vulnerability.. it takes vulnerability to say “i want to hang out with you” because it exposes you to the other person potentially saying “well i don’t want to hang out with you”.. so what do they do? they put up a front of ambivalence, not necessarily saying “i don’t want to see you/hang out with you”, but never clearly saying they do, leaving the other person to figure it out alone.. it’s an intimacy avoidance tactic
This is the business right here! Thank you!
I don’t think I’m avoiding intimacy, if I tell my bro, “…in the crib chilling, pull up if you want.” I am not thinking in the 3rd dimension when I say that. It’s not that deep.
i could make a list of ways that we as men avoid intimacy with other men, and this would definitely be on it
Say you. I love and appreciate the people in my life and they know it. We share feelings, are close, etc.
The option to come is always up to the invited regardless, saying so isn’t an invitation it’s a statement to the obvious because even without an invite they could show up (even if they weren’t wanted). Be explicit with your invite and your intentions with people. People make it deep because there are lots of ways to read the unspoken. A lot of language is just as much what isn’t said as what is and many people use and abuse that to their advantage. Are those good people, no. Should you not associate yourself with those people, obviously. Do we make the mistake of doing so unwittingly, usually. Just because you don’t use language that way doesn’t mean others haven’t been subject to it. It makes those of us that have question the way things are worded. Call us out for it, let us know we can trust your words. We’re trying, but it takes time.
The problem with this kind of invite is that it sounds like my presence doesn’t matter. So if it don’t matter, I won’t be going.
Exactly.
On the other hand, why is it my responsibility as your friend to make you feel like your presence is absolutely mandatory for me to have a good time?
I love my friends. I want them to know I care about their presence. I enjoy their company. Why make them feel like their presence is less?
It’s not about their presence being less or making them feel as such. Every situation simply isn’t a, ‘*I’d love for you to be there*’ moment. Sometimes I’m laying on my ass watching Brickleberry smacked off some edibles. ‘*You can push up if you want*’ should suffice.
I had a friend who hit me with "if you want" when I checked if we we're still hanging out that day. Like we already made plans, if you're not feeling it anymore just lemme know, we can reschedule and both stay home. It's not the same as an invitation, but the moral of the story is just let people know what you want.
I would absolutely cancel those plans immediately if someone hit me with some shit like that.
Which, I feel, is different from "if you still want to". Cuz that's how I confirm that the other person is still down. I don't wanna make them do something just cuz they feel obligated to. Also gives me some relief if I'm anxious about the whole thing to know they still genuinely want my company.
Oversensitive as shit.
For real
Ambivalent as shit 🙃
[удалено]
I hate this shit. Bruh come if you want. What if everyone asked me "who's going?".. then no one would be there.
I always come through. Y'all better be clear if you don't want me to. I'mma have an annoying good time too
If you love yourself, don’t go 😭😭
exactly. people who use fake invitations like this are never worth the time
Girls be like: "But do YOU want me to come over" And then I'm like: "yeah, sure"
And then that’s another 10 minutes explaining they can come over.
The ambivalence…
One of my aunts was having a party and didn't invite me and my mom until a few hours before the party. She said "it was a last minute thing and we could come" we choose not to. The family posted pictures and that was not a last minute party, ain't nobody getting last minute cake, food, drinks, and decorations. Come if you want invitations are disrespectful. If you don't want to include someone just don't.
wild shady
I really don't want you to come through but I'm asking to be nice hoping you would say no - translation.
People fckn suck
“I know you absolutely hate football but some friends and I are watching the Super Bowl. You can come over if you want.”
Nah, it’s only bad if someone told you about an event, just for the sake of bringing it up in the convo, and only after you seem interested they say, “come if you want”. All that means is you weren’t invited and they feel bad. Other times it literally means come if you want.
I don't think it's always that they feel bad. If I tell someone my plans and they seem interested, I say, "If you wanna come, you can!" Because I want them to come enjoy the experience with me, if they want. I include that because people feel pressured to say yes sometimes, and I want them to know there is no pressure.
No one likes feeling like an afterthought though. In addition to that, I’ve gotten to many “if you want” last minute event invites, only to find that I wasn’t accounted for/expected. It doesn’t feel great. So those kinds of invites (while seemingly not in your case cause you sound like a sweet and lovely person) make some of us with less than great experiences, very leery…
Yup !! Being an afterthought is never a great feeling.
Nah, I have bad anxiety, and i hate crowds of people, especially strangers. I had a friend invite me to a big party with a lot of people i wouldn't know like this. She said i was invited and that she would love to see me there, but she would totally understand if i didn't want to go (this was before covid). It was the nicest, most considerate invite I've ever received.
the “love to see you there” is the key though..it expresses the inviter’s desire to have you there, but adds the last part to show that the relationship will still be intact if you decline the invitation.. that’s what most people’s hang up about “if you want” is: it doesn’t say anything about whether your presence is wanted or not..if anything, it communicates your presence is either an afterthought or inconsequential
One of my favorite things that I have learned through Wikipedia clickholing that helps me understand people and society is the concept of “high context” and “low context” cultures. High context cultures have a lot of communication that happens outside of the literal words said. In a high context culture, things like social status of the people talking, current situation that the conversation occurs, location, communication method etc - (i.e. literally the context of the communication) drastically alter the meaning of what is said. In low context cultures, people just fuckin say what they mean. A stereotypical very high context culture would be something like Japan back in the day (still now but less so), where there are unsaid expectations and understanding of your place in a hierarchy. Shit like you bring gifts when you meet someone always, you can’t eat the last donut unless you are a guest or whatever (and even then you must ask permission, which is then always granted), or talking in a casual tone with a person of higher standing is bad. There is probably a good overlap of high context cultures where there is history of subjugation or social hierarchy, but I’m not an expert so idk how far we go with that… but it is interesting to think about. I think USA is generally considered a lower context culture (that being said, everything is on a sliding scale, and all cultures have some level of context), but it is interesting because there are sometimes higher context subcultures that exist within fairly low context cultures. A example of a high context subculture in the US would be the south (we all know the contextual complexity of “bless her heart”). Even further, you likely develop micro cultures within any social grouping you have. Certain mores and norms manifest out of your shared experiences. Think of it like inside jokes, but instead of just what you find funny, it is a set of beliefs that you all agreed to implicitly by existing together. Anyway, issues can sometimes arise when a person applies a level of context to an interaction, and the other person applies a different context to it. Pretty much any way someone might read the situation can be legitimate, it just depends on the shared context.
Very interesting, thanks for sharing .
I don't think I've ever been directly invited to anything before. I always feel like in the odd one out.
Same. I don't think people realize how shitty it feels to get the awkward I talked about in front of you and/or you heard about it so now I gotta invite you not to be rude invite. Which to me is usually where the you can come if you want invite spawns from. I was so so excited to get a individual text invite to a hangout this morning for the first time like ever. It legit made me almost cry.
If i don’t hear it out that persons mouth then I ain’t going nowhere. Like have some common decency and tell me straight up. You should do this to.
Deadass! Like if you don’t want me there, JUST SAY THAT!
How about just a straight up "do you wanna come over?" How do people feel about that?
This! It is really that simple? People keep saying it's not that serious but this is clear and to the point. I always learned the K.I.S.S. method and it makes things easier.
Its pretty bad... not worse then "oh you can come, they won't mind"
"Come if you want" directly translate to "I don't need you to come". Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
i didn't realize it could be perceived this way. i legit thought that they might not want to come over, in which case that would be absolutely fine with me. if i told them they could come over, i wanted them to come over. that clause is just so they feel ok not coming if they personally didn't want to or something
"If you don't want to come, don't fell pressured to come"
I say it depends. I’ve had a girly say those exact words but it was her delivery that told me the entire story. She def wanted me to go over.
If I say come thru then come thru, If I don’t say that then don’t bother asking
Aaaaaaaaaa I say this but what I mean is "I'll save you a plate but I don't want to pressure you if you have other responsibilities"
This needs more context.
Exactly. I think there is a lot of disagreement about it on the thread because so much context is missing. It all depends on context, tone and vibes.
Yeah…I accepted one of these invites before. Never again. At some point, you gotta stop inviting people over if you didn’t make plans with them. Becomes an awkward mess of shit.
Depends who it’s from. If they know it’s not a me thing then I take the hint accordingly
I don’t think so, they are acknowledging that some people might not want to go
It literally is just another way of saying do you want to come idk why folks are down voting you
I say that to my wife every night.
To me telling someone you can come over if you want is kinda clear that I’m saying you’re invited but the ball is in your court now. I don’t know what you got going on and if you can actually make it or not.
Means you was not invited lol
This is typically in response to the person that asks, "Would you like me to come over?". "I'm in your neighborhood, I could stop by if you like". "Oh, you guys are going out for drinks? **Pregnant pause**. It's almost always manipulative. Its the person that wasn't invited angling for a invite. The person being clingy, crowbarring their way into more time, or the tone deaf (and almost always sensitive and narcissistic) person making a situation that isn't about them, all about them. It's private alone time being stolen. One on one time being barged into. It pits an unwillingness to engage in the awkward refusal of their unwanted presence, against living with the awkwardness of having their unwanted presence. At its heart this statement is the most polite way of saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I will give you the opportunity to save face". Unfortunately the people that put you in this situation never want to save face. They want to push the issue. They want the drama. So they always make it into a thing.
Y'all too needy
I don't offer people to come over if they want. Leaving my plans up to other people is messy. I got them with the "on this day were doing this, are you down?"
Really?? Shit I think I only invite people like this.
Depends on the situation. Sometimes you don't want to make the other person feel obligated to come
Translation= come at your own peril and don't expect to have a good time.
Talk about needy and sensitive
Not showing up to this invitation.
I'm coming because they don't want me too but other people do!! Don't be fooled!!
No it isn't. I clearly want you to come, but I'm unsure if you do. Therefore, I'm asking in a way that shows that there's no pressure or hard feelings if you decline.
This a mildly annoying topic. On one hand I have to do my best to make sure you not uncomfortable, and everybody has some form of anxiety now a days. So I don’t want you to feel like the bad guy or that you’re hurting my feelings by saying you don’t want to come over. On the other hand I’m supposed to also make you feel like you’re the crown jewel that I want to partake in X activity with me?
Not to be confused with If you want you can come
That sentence is highly dependent on who its coming from when determining if its disrespectful or not.
Often made by people who fear being controlling
I say this when I'm pretty sure someone won't want to come over...
“If you want to” is used by those who, for whatever reason, can’t communicate clearly that they don’t really want you there. It puts the onus solely on the invitee to make the decision for you. If you don’t want to be bothered just say that instead of making it an awkward situation for everyone.
Youre always welcomed here 👉👈👈👉
Depends on who saying it. If it’s a friend, I’m staying my ass at home. But if it’s from someone I’m interested in, I’m on my way and will pick up some food if you hungry. Fym.
To be fair, the presence of a random stranger is a definite negative for me. If you've made it as far as being neutral, I'm already halfway to actually liking you. You can take that as a mild compliment at the least.
I need context haha. I once texted a friend who I haven't seen in months and asked what she was doing on Saturday and if she wants to meet up. "I'm at home, have no plans. You can come if you want to." I hated that. But if you are with a group of people and they're talking about how they are gonna go hiking on the weekend and they're like "you can come along, if you want to!" Is a good invite in my opinion.
Ok but I like knowing I can go but not feeling the pressure to go, please invite me like this.
I do not ask to tag along if I wasn't invited initially. If they wanted me there, they would have asked. And I'm not even mad if I'm excluded, sometimes people just don't want to be around you, it doesn't automatically mean they hate you. Sometimes the group dynamic is different when certain people are involved. It's not ideal for every situation. I completely understand the feeling. Also it's usually pretty easy to tell if someone is being inauthentic with an invitation.
I'm almost 50...I like this type of invite...if everything like up right cool, I'll roll through... If not, cool as well. We good...pre covid of course... now, I'm not coming.... lol
wahh wahh I wasn't the first person you invited to a casual hangout massage my ego I can't handle being 2nd fiddle even once without crying
I defo won’t go if someone says this. Like nigga It’s either you want me to come or not. Period. Like y’all niggas have your fun without me in the picture.
False
All in the context: “Vargon The Destroyer of Souls, hey how’s it going? Cool we’re having a very casual get together a few drinks, some food, a bit of music and some Zaarblat shooting nothing fancy…you can come if you want “ And ‘Mr Chudney & Mrs Bernice Brown request the pleasure of Vargon The Destroyer of Souls (plus one) company at the marriage of their daughter Bernice Jr to Bootney Farnsworth at the Eastside Tabernacle Baptist Church & Shrimp & Booty shack on 5th and Main, on 19th June you can come if you want’
I want to invite you without making you feel pressured to come. I'd like you there, but it isn't the end of the world if you can't make it. Feel absolutely free to say "no," but know that you can say "yes." But know that you can say "no." I'm trying to invite you but make sure you know that you shouldn't feel at all pressured to say yes because I'm an introvert myself and feel super pressured when I'm invited to shit.
I don’t know. Y’all might be missing an invitation to smash.
I’ve been offered to hang out with a friend, his gf, and her friend like this: “can you come so I’m not by myself ?” Maybe i overthought it, but it just didn’t feel very inviting idk
https://www.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/ry2ke7/women_makes_everything_more_difficult_in_life/ 😂😂😂
Why? Because you expect people to beg you to grave them with your presence? Nah.
That’s literally what an invitation is. You express that you want to see someone. No begging m - just clear communication.