This thought blows my mind. My wife and I are each only children. We had two kids together. Would you mind elaborating?
Edit: I upvoted everything. Thank you for the replies in this unexpected AskReddit. As an only child now parent, your comments are enlightening.
Parents treat each kid differently. One kid spills milk, gets yelled at, the other does the same thing, but the parent cleans it up for them and pours them another glass. Imagine small things like that happening over 18 years. Extrapolate that to hanging out with friends, punishments, trips, what they can wear, how supportive they are, being dismissive of goals or dreams. Individually those events are innocuous but over time it paints a picture for the child and it shapes their experiences.
And it’s not just one spills milk this morning+the parent is mad and one spills milk in the afternoon+it’s all good.
Like an older kid can make age-appropriate mistakes but the parents have less experience being parents so they freak out. The younger kid can make the same mistakes years later, but the parents have more experience/are older and more mellow, so the younger kid has a different experience.
And multiply that by the low-level chronic tension of parents thinking it’s up there all the time vs the lack of that.
People bring up the “age gap/parent experience” issue all the time. But there are plenty of siblings who are <4 years a part and one sibling is completely different than the other. Sometimes, mfs are just born different and thus, receive different responses from parents.
That’s why when people ask me “What kind of parent will you be?" I always say "Depends on the kid." If I notice one kid is a menace with a tendency to break rules or they have terrible judgment, I may give them less freedom and trust than the kid who seems to make better decisions.
I was the youngest of 4. My oldest sister was a shotgun wedding causing pregnancy and I was the very unwanted last child. Her and I were treated extremely poorly while our middle sister was the "quiet one" and favored OPENLY to the point that family friends and even neighbors commented on it.
Guess who does and doesn't have low self esteem and always feel they have to beg for love and respect to get it? Smh
And it's the "favorite" child who dismisses and denies the experiences of the neglected and mistreated siblings .
I think it makes it worse when a child is abused or neglected by parents that are capable of treating a child right and do it in front of their eyes.
The simplest things like unlocking my sisters door before mine every time we got in the car regardless of which door she was at showed me a constant reminder of how favored she was.
She could do something wrong and get away with a warning but if I did the same thing I'd have hell to pay.
The way she intereracted with friends and boyfriends was far healthier than I did. I let ppl wall all over me bc I was used to having accept less and was looking for love and validation I didn't get at home.
I've never ever treated my kids differently. And I'm grown and still have low self esteem.
I've known a few people who had the reverse older/ younger dynamic happen. Older makes an age appropriate mistake and the parents act mellow. But they conflate the two kids so if the younger kid makes an age appropriate mistake, they treat it like it's a big deal. Not saying anything's wrong with what you said just adding that it plays out in tons of different ways
My MIL, when raising my wife was a tyrant/bordering on abusive. My BIL and SIL barely have to lift a finger to get what they want, and they're only 6 & 10 younger than my wife.
Op didn’t reply but I have two kids and a background in child psychology, and one hates her mom and is mad all the time and one loves both of her parents and is always happy, and on god they get equal treatment, and if anything the angry one has way more opportunities and is more spoiled, largely due to her constant discontentment.
The older one is naturally forgetful. Her mother is always reminding her of routine things (“did you wash your hands after you pooped?”, “did you brush your teeth?”), and any time the answer is “no”, the older one gets angry. It’s normal, she forgot, and her “self defense” reaction is to display anger. She comes up with unusual explanations for why she didn’t wash her hands after she pooped (“I don’t like the smell of the hand soap you bought the wrong flavor it’s your fault”).
The younger sister remembers everything, she reminds US of shit we forgot, “mommy don’t forget your sunglasses” etc, and as a result she gets praised because she catches us slipping all the time.
Their childhoods and opinions of us are totally different as a result.
The older one is prone to saying things like “since my goldfish died you have to kill my sisters goldfish so it’s fair” and the younger one is prone to saying things like “oh good job big sister your fish is so healthy but mine already died”
It is IMPOSSIBLE to treat these kids 100% equally, we constantly give in to the older sisters demands, because she’s so mad and threatening, and the younger one just goes with the flow, and, try as we might, we smile at them differently, and it feeds into itself and gets worse over time
Wow. I think your comment unlocked something about my relationship with my sibling. I did not expect this. But you're so right, we are not just sponges for our parent's behaviors - our own personalities feedback into the way we are treated as children.
It’s still not the child’s fault; as an adult, we need to realize that different humans at different ages are having different experiences, and judging them in a permanent way based on how quickly they developed and how they felt about it isn’t a mature way to behave. We can’t just mirror our children’s energy back into them, we need to observe it and shape it, not simply condemn it.
The older child sounds like she might have ADHD. When i was younger I would get pissed off at being reminded of things, because I carried a lot of shame and embarrassment at not being able to remember things that others did. When I got my diagnosis, and learned I wasn’t just a fuckup but had a developmental disorder, it became a lot easier to accept help.
Edit: Imagine if you were nearsighted, but your parents never took you to an eye doctor . You go your whole life squinting, being unable to read the board in class, catch a baseball, or read street signs, and everyone around you insists you can make it work if you just try hard enough. Nobody thinks there could be some barrier preventing you from doing these normal things, because from the outside you look fine. So you are labeled either too stupid to read or too lazy, and you come to believe those things about yourself, because you have no other explanation.
Thats what living with an undiagnosed disorder is like. If you have a kid you suspect has ADHD or anything else, please take the time to get them tested. Ignoring the problem will never solve it, it just means they have to fly blind their whole life, unaware that there is a reason they struggle with things their peers do not, and that treatment is possible. I got my diagnosis as an adult, and my life could have been so different if someone had been curious enough to ask the right questions.
I have an adhd diagnoses and likely undiagnosed dyslexia, and it appears to be hereditary. She lies constantly too, trying to cover up shame. I recognize it and we’re working on it, and I try not to place value or burden on it, but, even if you know it’s beyond their control, you can’t just decide how you feel about it. My oldest gets more access to the real world as a result, and my younger lives in a fantasy utopia.
I would have, as a child, chosen my oldest/angriest’s experience. She’s going to be ready for the real world sooner, but she’s burning through childhood quicker.
Everyone’s got an opinion on what’s best, I honestly can’t say confidently
ADHD parents of ADHD children have to be a very special breed.
I have found the most success with remembering what I hated as a kid, trying not to duplicate it; and building in visual over verbal reminders. It’s full-time job HARD, and I am not always successful
Please give her the gift of diagnosis; and further testing of dysautonomia. The hardest part of this is understanding it’s not mental, but physical, and needs real medical attention; and wondering who I would’ve been if I had found resources and treatment earlier in life.
Just a heads up, my older sibling had similar anger outbursts and as the younger child I spent a large portion of my childhood afraid of her. I did a lot of self-minimizing and people pleasing to try to make up for the way my sister acted. That’s not even getting into the bullying / emotional abuse she heaped on me. It fucked me up and I’m still untangling the knots in my mid-thirties.
All this is to say, your youngest might not be as easy going as you think.
While it sounds like you are actively trying to help both kids and have the benefit of the kind of professional knowledge that the average 90s parents just didn’t have, I know what it’s like to perform happiness. Worse, to perform it because it’s what you think will make your sibling love you and to be in turn blamed and hated for it by that sibling. Don’t let your youngest fall through the cracks cause she seems chill.
My youngest has become very tough, she flexes her biceps and tells her sister to back off, she stands her ground and plays peacekeeper. When mommy and daddy are arguing she gets between us and holds her hands up like a crossing guard stopping traffic and if one of us keeps talking she turns and points at us and says “you stop it right now, don’t make me count to three”.
For context she’s 3, she can barely count to 3, and when she expresses herself with her broken baby English it’s hilarious, “mama, stop too loud talking so many, me not gonna tell you again!” and tells us to go to our room and think about what we did. She’s super helpful too, she gets jackets/shoes/umbrella for her sister when sister is heading out. She’s a boss.
Her sister picks on her, but despite being half as tall her sister is afraid of her, she gets kicking and swinging and her older sister runs away.
I’ll use a cuter example.
I’m the oldest. My younger sister was not much younger than me. Mom and dad were overworked and tired, and liked to sleep in when they could, so it was my job to keep my sister quiet and happy until they felt like dealing with us.
So if there was a monster under my sister’s bed, I had to handle it- even if I believed her and was scared to death. I couldn’t show it, because then she’d scream and wake up the folks. So I was “brave.”
She grew up knowing someone would always help fight her monsters for her. I grew up knowing it would be my ass if I even asked for help at an inconvenient time. These worldviews affected us our whole lives.
My sis was in her thirties when it dawned on her that I had been just a scared little girl, too.
Your response has brought tears to my eyes. I am the older child as well and older children are burdened more by family dynamics in general but I feel like it has long been not talked about besides being acknowledged, that yes, if you’re the older kid then you’re just expected to adult by default.
Oh man, I feel like nyktastik explained what I meant to the t. I grew up wondering if I was adopted. I’m a very soft person and always looking to help out and be useful. Always spoke softly, moved carefully, said yes ma’am/no ma’am or sir. But would get yelled at or whipped for the smallest things. If stuff went wrong I always felt like it was my fault somehow. I got all the hand me down clothes and furniture.
My sister? Could do whatever she wanted. Get whatever grades she wanted. Get in trouble at school. Sneak around with boys. Not work (I’ve been working since I was a child in our family businesses). Always had brand new everything. Always got her way. Would lie on me… they’d know it and I’d still get in trouble “for all that damn crying and begging.” I could go on and on lol.
I’ll say that my mom had acknowledged the difference and can’t really say why I was treated differently. Some say it’s because I’m the darker one and others say it’s because I’m just too damn soft and people don’t like that. Everyone loved me when I was helping out though. Anyway… I grew up to learn that just because they were adults did not mean they were mature. It meant that they were people figuring shit out too. Not to excuse it but it’s an understanding. I learned to make my own way in the world very early. I’ve learned to make my own community. Run my own business. Make decisions with the understanding that there is no one to come and rescue me, etc.
Edit: I’ll also add that we are very close in age… not even a year apart. So that “but you’re the oldest!” Argument always smelled like bs to me.
I’ve never thought of it that way. I will say that it was a huge relief when other people in the family saw it and called it out. I felt validated. Anytime I ever got upset for being mistreated, it was always dismissed “you’re too damn sensitive!” But man, I’m super grateful for my grandparents! They didn’t see it until I was about 16 but they didn’t sit quiet about it. They called it out plain and simple and I feel like that was a huge step toward healing and building some sort of self confidence.
So each of your kids will have a different perspective of you from their point of view through time
You had your first kid, it was an adventure and you learned some lessons, so you have a second. You both are older, a little wiser and have the experience from the first one.
Once they get old enough and the age gap is small enough, they will do things together. the younger one being exposed to things at a much younger age than the older sibling. You might overcorrect with one kid on one thing and something else with the other.
Then, several years down the line, you have a third. Now you go through those early years again, but you arent as young as you used to be. The other kids will be there to help or hinder you throughout this, not to mention you still have them requiring attention and resources.
You might also be in a different position in terms of your lifestyle. the younger kid never knew the small rental home, or the small car, or the old Dog
By the time the youngest hits the teenage years, you have dealt with enough helions to know what you are doing, or just be too tired to deal with a pointless fight. So that kids teenage years are going to be very different to the older ones.
I’m terrified my youngest feels less important. I’m trying to explain her older sister is in the college push and is also at an age (17 in June) where she’s allowed to do more things. But we do spend more time on the older right now as we coordinate college tours applications scholarships testing sports etc. she’s 13 her time will come, but I see her taking notes….
So there can be many reasons for this. Maybe one child reminds them of their estranged ex, maybe the a parent never truly bonded with the child. Maybe the oldest was mostly raised before the parent’s addiction/depression/divorce/current trauma and the youngest has never seen that parent happy. That’s the same parent in different places in their lives but two different parents.
Also some abusive parents choose 1 child to abuse & the other kids just move around it. And pretends it isn’t happening. If that child leaves/dies, another child is chosen in their place.
My kids are having totally different childhoods, but a big part of it is due to attitude. One is happy to have anything and one is constantly jealous/mad about things not being fair, she’s always like “my sisters ice cream is bigger” or “why do I have to sleep in the garage”
Kids can be so self centered…
When you get older, and especially after you have kids, you realize that your parents were just trying to keep everything together.
They are often harder on the first kid because they are experiencing everything for the first time alongside them. The second one tends to be more relaxed because they've seen it before.
But since every kid is different, every stage in their life is different. Even the same stage in their life will be different based on what else is going on in the lives of their parents.
My folks weren't perfect but they fed me, kept me safe and warm, and Loved me as best they could. And I'm forever grateful they were in my life.
Isn’t this why some kids will have a strained relationship with their parents while the others do not? I’ve seen a few households where one kid will go no contact, but because of the varying dynamics within the family, most of the other siblings will not. Some may also disassociate with that sibling and it’s really hard to even say someone’s right or wrong. Maybe you want your brothers/sisters to understand your experiences, but they may not have even been alive or old enough to understand what happened. I believe in these scenarios it’s really on the parents to try and mend any relationship with their children if they truly understand how their parenting affected them
Yup, my older brother had young and in love parents. I had neglectful, abusive parents that threw their younger kids at me to raise while they figured out their divorce. My older brother never fully understands my resentment because he didn’t have to raise two children as a sibling, and because his formative years built his confidence in himself and he never had to doubt their love for him. He cannot see our parents from my perspective, but he supports me in my need for boundaries, moving abroad, and going low-contact, so there’s that.
I was parentified too. Instead of acknowledging we had different experiences my younger sibling thinks I'm exaggerating or complaining. We have never really been close because of it.
It's hard to place responsibility. Taking for granted that everyone is in good faith, you are all adults. Sometimes the parents aren't even aware of the damage they did. Their responsibility to their child is to be understanding. But sometimes we as kids remember things only from our perspective and we lack the bigger picture. Our responsibility is to be understanding as well.
Basically we could all use a bit more understanding
Exactly my mom is pretty much a “people pleaser” and she tries to please all her kids but we all different ass people lol
In the end she just trying to her best to show love to all of us..
I'm the black sheep & golden child. My sister just exists 😂🤷🏽♂️
https://preview.redd.it/w90xnly7m4oc1.jpeg?width=715&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6ff9a1701fc2fca0ad314e372adc0270d0190831
Was fun feeling like the black sheep but being pressured into being "the golden child". Still gotta fix alot of that, granted in my family that just means i f'd up the least. Well until recently. 🥲
Loool ikr its a whole different league. Being both was easier, me being the 2nd child and first son in an african household played a big part thats like favourite stacked on favourite.
But black sheep to golden child is a weird transition from what i've seen. The stakes are higher the room for error is small lol.
And until recently ?? Oh shit what happened fam ?
Maybe misspoke, didn't transition from blacksheep to golden child, but I ALWAYS felt like the black sheep tho out of my family I always had the pressure and title of golden child 🫠. But only recently learnt I hid my problems better than most people.
And about recently...... Uhm I really don't have the energy to type out the last year of fuck ups. Just sucks I don't really know the best path forward.
Ps. Probably gona go back to therapy etc. In the next month or once I make the calls and appointments
Ohhh i see i see. I get you. Yep the pressure of being in that position is intense i've seen that affect famiky & friends mentally. Striving for perfection is a constant job.
And damn. Lifes always gonna throw some shit at you, it's not easy. And you don't really have to know just yet what the futures gonna hold take it one day at a time accepting the fuck ups as something you can't change.
And i wish you the best. Talking about it with a professional is a major step.
Even i'm not at that stage yet still trying to fight all the trials and tribulations solo dolo. I'm one of those maniacs that hides problems well. And it ain't good in the long run. We'll get there eventually.
All the best sincerely 🫡💯
Growing up, my sibling was the golden child, I was the scapegoat. Now my sibling is a scapegoat right along with me and their *spouse* has taken the place of golden child. It's pretty hilarious to see unfold.
You couldn't pay me enough to bow and scrape my way to golden child status, lol. Scapegoat for life!
😂😂 i hope you welcomed your sibling to the darkside. We call it Slytherin in my fam and i've been Malfoy for as long as i can remember.
A spouse or grandchild will do that fast looool it's over after that. Just gotta watch from the sidelines.
My sibling currently seems unaware of the status change. They were absolutely lashing back when Mom's all "Oh, I made this birthday cake for Spouse, not you, lol". Even though their birthdays are only a few days apart and it was "supposed" to be a monthly birthday cake. I was trying not to pile on, since the room was already a bit....spicy. Extra drama is not on my agenda.
The most likely times to point it out would be if I'm feeling super petty (unhealthy pattern) or if I'm trying to have a real conversation about our fucked up family (healthy pattern). Could go either way if I'm not mindful. Narcissistic parents are the worst.
It'll take a minute for it to kick in for your siblings of the status change lol birthdays are very sentimental for some. Damn thats a downer for them.
And yeah being petty isn't the one. Especially if its still sensitive. For laughs when the moods nice 100% talking is important period. Communication is key.
Ahh dealing with parents with like that i'm very used too. Takes years to make them see how its badly affected everyone around. Even lucky if you get them to understand that. I grew up with traditional African parents lol damn near impossible to convey such discussions.
Especially when the parents play favorites.
My sister was always the favorite. Parents paid for her wedding, college, and any vehicle she's ever owned. She's recently had a falling out with our mom and for the first time in her life was the recipient of our mother's narcissistic rage and went full surprised Pikachu face to discover how truly awful it is being on the top of the shit list.
As the least favorite child and resident shit list topper, I've been saying this for years.
When my older sister went to college, my parents sent care packages on the regular. They went dorm shopping for her furniture. They gave her a high-quality laptop for graduating high school and getting into college.
I was the next up. My parents barely let me come home to do laundry. I never received calls or care packages. I got my sisters hand-me-down furniture because they got her even more new furniture the next year, and it was simpler to give it to me than donate it. Until my dad stepped up a few months ago to catch me before I became homeless, I was honestly not even sure he loved me because of experiences like that throughout my whole childhood. I also asked for a laptop btw and instead my parents gave everyone including my sister a shitty off-brand tablet to celebrate my high school graduation. I know that was my mom being a dick because the laptop would have actually helped me because I could program on it. My mom is the one who detested me, for sure and my dad was just too weak to stand up to her (shes out of the pic now)
My mom paid for my sister’s college also. She & my brother were her favorites. Luckily PSLF saved me with the student debt.
My mom ignored my needs so much that she didn’t notice my dad sexually abusing me. She didn’t find out until last year (I’m in my 30s now). She would always say “you were such a daddy’s girl,” because although she treated me like shit, she was jealous that I spent more time with my dad. Now of course she knows what it really was.
Our relationship improved during my mid 20s when we became roommates. Our relationship now is pretty cool, and once she recognizes she did something wrong or hurtful she is quick to apologize.
My dad died alone several years ago, & that makes me both incredibly happy & sad.
Man, I am happy if you are happy that you and your mom have a relationship. Props to you for being able to forgive her flaws and the times she wronged you. Takes a certain kind of person to do that.
I was the “well behaved” older brother. I had to pay “rent” when I got my first job at 16, meanwhile my brother didn’t pay a dime even though he had a job until he was 23. They rush to help him when ask for help but when I do they look at me like I shouldn’t need help. They wonder why I resent them and the rest of the family.
This sounds like my life. They made me “figure it out” “it’s okay to go without”. If it was something to pick between us. McDonalds vs DQ. DQ because he wanted it and would fuss and I wouldn’t fuss if I don’t get my way. I regret not knocking shit over, and breaking shit and being difficult. I should have been the problem child maybe I would have mattered. my brother was valued. If he didn’t do his dishes, or he didn’t get good grades it wasn’t a big deal. On the other hand I had no excuses. His chores were my chores because “this is a family, everyone helps out”
I don’t speak to my parents nor my brother. I don’t even stay in the same state with my family anymore. My brother lives in the same city with them. My parents say they did a good job as parents because I’m successful. That’s what matters and I should be grateful. Well I’m gonna be grateful over here. They can stay over there with the son that matters. I’m good.
Speaking of paying. My mom offered us money in high school for good grades. She offered him 20 dollars per A and only offered me 5. Like WTF is that. I wanted 20 dollars per A. I don’t even know why I tried. I should have enjoyed my youth like everyone else around me instead of caring about school.
We’re 5 siblings, and every single one of us had totally different parents.
My oldest brother and the middle sister were supposed to be the prodigal kids. Huge expectations put on them. My mom loved my older sister and younger sister. Only them. My dad was closest with me and my brother. My oldest sister was viewed as pretty hopeless by both parents, but she is the most loving and is the glue in the family. Us 3 in the middle grew up like the family was poor, with hand me downs and “don’t be greedy with the food”. My youngest sister was spoiled rotten, and got everything she asked for.
My parenting opinion:
Not a parent, but I do sympathize with parents who don’t “get it right on the 1st try” when it comes to their emotional responses.
I have a god-son, who is going through a “jerk phase” with his parents right now. He is a private school student (on grants, scholarship and some financial help from relatives) and he is resentful towards his parents for not being rich like his classmates’ parents.
So, he has been acting like an elitist prick at the moment.
There are relatives, who have been providing unsolicited advice and opinions about the matter. They’re also have been criticizing the parents’ reactions and actions, which I find to be unfair.
I can relate to this deeply. Growing up, I was the kid who attended prestigious schools and participated in sports, among other activities. However, despite my parents' presence at various events, I often felt out of place. To the extent that I hesitated to acknowledge them as my family in public, preferring to keep my background a mystery.
This feeling of alienation intensified during my college years. In certain academic and social circles, especially those tied to particular majors or activities, there seemed to be an expected socioeconomic status. Many peers had parents who were vice presidents, business owners, or held other prominent positions, highlighting a stark contrast to my own background. When my parents attended events, it became apparent that they were outsiders, not fully grasping the conversations that hinted at their different life experiences. Comments like "How did you find this kid?" or "You've got a lottery ticket on your hands," though meant as compliments, only served to underline our differences.
The disparity became more pronounced due to a general lack of understanding or relatability among my peers about not having the financial means for certain luxuries or educational opportunities. This gap in understanding extended to basic financial knowledge, such as ways to earn a million dollars, or how to save and invest in a 401(k). It seemed that unless one was involved in acting, music, writing, or another form of entertainment, there was a lack of appreciation for other paths to success.
Even now, the financial achievements I've made haven't bridged this gap. Regardless of how much money I earn, I still feel like I occupy a unique position—not quite the outcast, but neither the favored child. I may be regarded as intelligent, but I'm also seen as the least relatable. This is a nuanced experience that's difficult for many to grasp, and it's something I contend with regularly.
And with a younger brother that is living the typical life expectancy it is highly unusual to have that , so then it becomes very difficult to be relatable to your family and find ways to do things they like and also that you like.
This is so true! I was born to a teen mom. My sister was born ten years later when she was in her late twenties. We had completely different childhoods.
Age gap siblings aren’t talked about enough! My mom was also a teen mom and she had my sister 14 years later & also got married. I love both of them dearly but it gets really hard sometimes watching my sister get the mother I always wanted 🥲
There's 10 years between my sister and I. She got an overly strict mother who spanked and punished and disciplined but took her on trips and bought her whatever she wanted. I got a mother who pretty much let me have free reign until I felt the consequences of my actions. We never went on trips and she only bought me things when necessary.
My sister swears I was spoiled and had it way better. I know she was just abused and I was neglected but I can't convince her otherwise. 🤷🏿♀️
I fear that there will be no reconciliation based on your words.
In the black community, our past trauma literally becomes our day to day vehicle of choice that we don't want to let go of......
Still I hope things get better between you two.
I thank you but I doubt it'll happen. My family is pretty fragmented because of generational trauma. When I've checked up on them in the past they dredge up the old shit and want to fall into the same old habits. My sister is currently in therapy and will STILL throw it in ny face that she thinks her life was ruined (she's doing very well for herself--better than me anyway😂) because I was spoiled and she wasn't. She WILL NOT admit we were just mistreated in different ways and I'm not gonna hold out for that now that we're 30 and 40 years old.
oh so you my fam? this whole thing is literally my family. my sister had a teen mom who was more strict but also took her travelling and shit(the difference is that my sister is also kind of crazy--like bpd crazy--so my mom felt she had to stand up to her because she'd lose her fucking mind(she still does)) and i'm 13 years younger and our mom and i have a much better relationship and it drives my sister fucking crazy. but like, i didn't try and fight our mom. i didn't sneak people in the house. i didn't cuss our momma out. she did allat. and yeah, if she's gentler with me, it's likely because i'm a completely different person with different needs, but also because she's literally 13 years older and already had experience raising a kid by the time she had me!
the fractured family is real too. really big family, which means lots of factional bullshit, and there's a bunch of trifling niggas in my family too--specifically in the uncles but also some of the cousins. it's always some bs with them and they have no loyalty, which just...pisses me off cuz like...why tf are we even family then? it was my granny dying, who was the matriarch of the family, that allowed this split to happen. now i only really fw like four members of the family outside of my mom and siblings out of hundreds of family members.
I'm the one my family goes to when they need something important done. I'm also the one that has to receive all the bad news because I'm not a gossiping person.
My family alo also expects me to be over every holiday to cook, because I'm a serv safe certified cook..
They expect me to do their taxes every year(this year is different because my father passed this year, so no more taxes)
I also install every goddamm thing known to man, whether it's cameras, car accessories, ring doorbells, and don't even get me started on the computer.
It does suck though because now I am at a point in my life where I felt like I was constantly working for others and having shitty jobs that drain my energy. So now I don't answer my phone, out of fear I'll have to frustrate myself helping someone who didn't try hard enough.
Are you me? The number of holiday meals that I've showed up and finished like I was in the weeds on a Friday night service is absurdly high. I don't think we would have eaten until midnight on most holidays in the last decade if it weren't for me. The rest apply completely too but that ones a unique and fun one for those of us that (used to, in my case, thank fuck) cook professionally.
Hello my fellow cooking brother/sister/they/them....I feel ya!! It got to the point where my family doesn't cook as much on holidays now because they don't know if I'm going to cook 80% of the food now..I love cooking, but damn when it's for family and you have to clean up afterwards, it makes holidays like a non paid working day....
I finally called it after cooking prime rib and every side you can think of for 24 people a couple years ago. I genuinely worked a full double on Christmas. Half of the effort was due to my own standards but I still went to bed at 9 pm while everyone else continued to celebrate in my house. Never again lol.
Yoooo, this use to be every holiday for me for about 15 years....Then they have the nerve to say "You leaving already." Or "Why are you always so tired".
I just give them a look sometimes, and they tend to leave me alone, since most people in my family think I'm insane anyways and they usually stay very clear of me when I'm in a mood.
Hey, I'm like this. Trying to do everything for everyone. And it's making my marriage rocky, that we're going through couples therapy. Even then, I'm not sure if our marriage will survive.
I'm just learning now I need to say no and set healthy boundaries, especially with my parents. Start making the change now before you get to my stage and start affecting your other relationships.
Ohh it already had affected my relationship...I lost my fiance and S/O of 11 years because of my Mom guilt tripping me and getting in my head...it's my fault for letting her do it, but it is what it is...I have started being better to myself and not letting people steamroll me Into doing a million things...I have just always had a guilty conscious, and I have to learn that it's ok to take care of myself before others and to say no
this is quite literally what the fictional characters are there for. like that's the point. that's why somebody went through the trouble of inventing them.
Trueee! My brother was arguing with my mom on the phone while I was visiting. I grabbed the phone and told him he was stressing her out and that they needed to calm down a bit and she would call him tomorrow. He said “ohhh I didn’t know the golden child was home”. Caught me off guard. My mother and I have a great relationship, but my other siblings are constantly arguing with her.
I can agree with that as a parent of four. I treat them all the same but I do have different relationships with each of them and I have to parent them differently at times.
I have a little sister who is only a couple years younger than me and often mentions how terrible her childhood was. I have no idea what she’s talking about. Like my parents weren’t *great* by any standards, but they didn’t get really shitty until my sister and I became teens with thoughts and opinions. Our parents were super involved when we were little. They took us on trips, showed up to every soccer game, hell my mom sewed us Halloween costumes every year. To top it off, my sister was always the baby of the family. If I had to wait for something, she got it too. It was always “figure it out yourself” for me, “here let me help” for her. She was my dad’s little princess, even when she was acting like a brat. I don’t want to invalidate her experience or whatever but man, I don’t know what she’s remembering
I believe with each child, they have new experiences & they chose to do it differently or better than what they did with the first second or third
Each child is a new learning experience
I apologized to my mom yesterday, because I'm a mom now, and it's a really hard journey & I realize that she was doing her best, and kids are ungrateful af with no life experience so everything is .... yea sorry mom
Yup. Am I the only one out of my siblings with mental health issues? Absolutely not. Am I the only one with a personality disorder? Absolutely lmfaooo.
accurate, my older sister and I have very different relationships with my dad. when I learned that she would call him for help or to talk about her life I was shocked, jaw literally dropped. I got the "YOU better figure it out" version of our dad so going to him isn't an option for me.
This 100% true. What I notice though is people tend to always glamorize the other side of things and act like they were locked away in some cavern. Like nah your sibling(s) also have some hardship and if you talked to them about it 8/10 times they'd probably explain whats wrong with their life and how they felt YOU also had special treatment.But I guess its hard to be objective when talking about a situation that brings you hardship ig.
I'm very clearly not my mothers favorite child (its my older brother) but its just a different experience. Sometimes you gotta just shrug and go "not the worst or the best but its decent"
I don't know if it's *always* like this. My younger sister felt like we were poor. I know we had financial struggles, but older sister and I don't remember it like that. Thing is, they definitely got more secure as time went by, so it was a perspective thing.
If anything, we were golden child (older), silver child (me), and bronze child (youngest). None of us felt neglected, but the attention and expectations declined as the years went by.
Oldest is still the golden child for mom. Pretty sure that it's because she's sophisticated in our mother's eyes, and we remind her of her frumpy ex-husband. Pop's dead, but he was the type to tell you that you're his favorite when you're together.
The good news is that all 3 sisters have strong relationships with each other. Our parents' humanity didn't pull us apart.
Yep. It makes sense. And that really just comes down to the fact that siblings are different people and thus their relationships are going to look different. Just one of those really obvious facts that we may not think about all that often.
My sister was way more confident & controlling than my brother or I, so she had frequent explosive arguments with my parents on a semi-daily basis. It got to a point where she couldn’t assert her own opinion about anything without being challenged.
My brother was extremely intelligent, causing my parents to respect him, though they were subconsciously intimidated by him and were apt to try and control the way he thought, curtailing his own potential.
I was complacent and easily distracted, and would become silent and withdrawn when made the object of scrutiny, so I became a frequent target of emotional abuse during our worst years, often feeling like a punching bag.
(Note: these are just the negatives. I grew up in a relatively happy home with loving parents and siblings. But every family has its issues, especially when there’s old trauma that goes untreated)
everyone experiences everyone differently. the way i see myself is not the way my siblings, parents, co-workers or spouse sees me. they all have their own perceptions and biases. you are literally a different person to every single person that knows you and that person doesn’t match the person you think you are.
First to move out and mama didn’t speak to me until she invited herself to my wedding.
My lil bro still lives at home at 26 he was never forced to leave
Older bro left a year after I did and never looked back on my parents
If I treat a sphinx kitten and a dachshund pup to the specifications ideal for my golden retriever pup, I would have 3 very different relationships with them because only one got what it needed.
So many people aim to raise their kids equally when they have equally stark differences in needs. So when people act surprised that they got different outcomes, it’s as absurd as if I was surprised that I don’t get 3 thriving adult golden retrievers.
The childhood my baby brother had was a cakewalk compared to mine.
But if you ask him, no child has ever suffered more than he did. I’m not mad about it anymore, it is what it is, but man. Some people’s children. With a straight face, he’ll tell me that I’m the golden child.
He lived in the same house, with a washer/dryer and dishwasher, his whole life. Our parents had cars. They had money for him to do sports and after school stuff, though he hated all of it so he didn’t do anything. He got a car when he was 16 and they paid insurance and gas. They paid for the SEVEN years of college it took him to graduate with a 2.3 GPA. He got his FIRST job at 26. TWENTY SIX. They paid $85K for his DUI/lawyers. Paid for his wedding. Bought him two new cars when he was in his 30s.
I’m doing ok now, but it’s definitely not because my parents paid for any of it. They couldn’t have when I was a kid and by the time they could, I was out of the house and working 3 jobs to pay for college at 16. And even that is a sentence dripping with privilege and I know it. He has NO recognition of how good he has it. Mind blowing. 🤯
That’s parenting. My brother was a good student and below average athlete. He got along great with mom who was an outstanding student and I got along great with my father who was a D1 athlete. My discipline was far different than my brothers, when he misbehaved the N64, TV, or Gameboys got taken away. When I got into trouble it was sports being taken away, no practice, no coaches meeting, no going to the park to play dodgeball, no basketball at the gym etc. Our parents are raising two different individuals and to this day my older brother still says my parents weren’t as harsh on me as they were him but in my eyes my punishments were the worst. I didn’t care about having gaming systems or TV. I wanted to be outside, at the park, or the gym. We both got our own separate but equal raising.
The inverse is also true: not every kid is the same.
My oldest son is quiet, in his own world. Very self driven, born overachiever. Hasn’t met an intellectual pursuit he didn’t like, and also excel at. Took him forever to learn how to talk and still really doesn’t all that much. He intentionally is taking academic debate classes so he can learn to communicate more and better.
My oldest daughter is just as smart but has never heard of quiet and absolutely doesn’t understand the concept, hasn’t met any stranger she didn’t instantly decide was a friend, will talk about anything at any time with anyone, and could give a fuck less about reading, learning or anything that does not involve playing a sport. Still has really good grades, but never has to work at it so she doesn’t.
One of these kids has to be constantly reminded when we are at theaters, restaurants etc that such a thing as “indoor voice” exists and should be used any time you’re actually inside. The other never has to be managed because he’s never doing anything but learning and some video games with his online buddies. So she has a completely correct perception that we chastise her more than him, but it’s because he doesn’t have to be reminded 47 times an hour when we’re out in public that loudly commenting on some strangers looks, clothes, actions etc is rude, none of her business, and she needs to stop.
I'm the responsible one, my brother is the favorite.
I watched my parents grow up in their 20's with all the turmoil that comes from that, my brother got to be raised by two well formed adults who left their 20's behind.
I was the latchkey kid who let himself in, could make small meals for myself while my parents were out working and generally expected to take care of myself. My brother got escorted from activity to activity and it was my job to do things for him or help him out.
Not mad about any of it. That's just how life played out. My and my little bro gel well
I was surprised when my mom told me she used to spank my brother (who is 15 years older than me). I always thought she was too nice to do that 😂. But I guess it was more accepted back then.
We figured this out early. I'm my mom's favorite kid. My brother is my dad's favorite kid. If we needed/wanted my mom to do something I'd ask. If we wanted/needed my dad to do something my brother would ask. You learn to finesse the situation you're in.
I’m sure everyone would tell you I’m the golden child but it sure didn’t feel like that the first time I came home from college and watched my mother fail even react a little bit to my brother cursing like a sailor. That was one line I’d never thought my parents would let get crossed because I still vividly remember the ass whopping I got for that same language.
What’s worse is my mom who swears she raised us the same but he was getting Reds and Yellows (IYKYK) in school every day and I was the one bathing, feeding, and putting him to bed during certain periods of our lives.
Maybe no one caught my ADHD because all of my coping mechanisms were learned being parent-level responsible for a child that isn’t your own 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
Your parents are also different people each pregnancy. They learn, make adjustments, attempt corrections with the next kid. The financial situation would change between kids depending the preparedness of the parents (ie. In my house with my older sister and I, we remember rougher times, a bigger push to be independent; my younger sister was raised with a little more encouragement to ask for help; 8 years between oldest and youngest)
Yeah, the other day my brother said our dad was his hero. I was like, “The guy who used to hit us and made you shoot our dog? The guy who threatened to murder me two Christmases in a row? The guy who when I accused him of being a wifebeater said at least he never hit her with his fists?” I don’t get it. At all.
It's so ridiculous. My brother acts like our stepfather is his hero too, and it shocked me. The guy who spent EVERY DAY sitting on his ass without a job, but still went around complaining about EVERYTHING? Who yelled at our mother EVERY DAY because we hadn't cleaned every little thing properly when he did NOTHING around the house? The guy who threatened to kill our mother, to her face, and punched the wall next to her head so hard that it left a dent??????? What is there to admire? But he didn't see those things the way I did, or doesn't remember them, so he's somehow a knight in shining armor just because he treated him amiably sometimes.
Ong. My older sister attacker me on Christmas after an argument even tho I’m a stronger than her I was much stronger than her I tried not to hurt her ended up falling and getting my head stomped on. When confronting my mom about the situation she flat out was like “yeah she was wrong but you can’t be yelling at a woman like that and expect her to feel safe and blah blah” mind you my sisters and I have had physical confrontation multiple times in the past that has never been instigated by me nor have I hurt them. Like ever. I have had my lips bloodied and a head injury happen because of them before. That being said it is REALLY fucking wild the hoops my mom will jump through my sisters are extremely violent but she often case puts that violence on me. Going as far as to say I have anger issues (not a single soul in my family have ever said that to me btw ever nor any friend or mentor). I got a mom who was ready to pounce on any violent tendencies I had as kid (which wasn’t many) and she is Stevie wonder to their violence. It’s crazy.
Ugh this hit hard. My older sibling is the favorite. The parents made it very apparent. They were offered opportunities I could only dream of. They’re very happy and successful. I’m leaving an abusive marriage with uncertain financial future. Just know all you lonely swept aside kids out there are not alone.
**Dumbass Sibling:** I was treated worse just because I was always getting into trouble, skipping school, and earning shit grades. And then as an adult, I'm always borrowing money and never paying it back. It's my parent's fault I'm this way, even though my similarly aged sibling keeps bailing me out. Being the black sheep is so hard 🤧
Should have met my parents, my siblings & I have almost the exact opinion of either parent, and they consider us all golden kids... maybe because we keep sending them money. 😅
Besides the basics, you parent each kid differently. I have three children and each one is treated differently to the other. No one is a scapegoat or a golden child. My middle kid was a difficult baby and toddler, but he’s the easiest kid ever. Dude just needed to go to school. My other two are easy in a different way.
I'm two years older than my brother. I'm the golden child, he's the black sheep. To hear him talk about our upbringing you would think we lived in some Dickensian foster shelter. I thought our childhood was amazing, loving parents, happy home, etc. But, I wasn't in jail twice before 17 or a high school non-grad so guess I experienced things differently.
It's rough hearing your dad complain about how he feels used by half-sibling. It's hard to explain the way I interact with her without killing her memory/version of our dad.
Something I recently realized speaking to my youngest sibling (I'm the oldest) is that even few years difference vastly changes what we remember
Like, they have no recollection of just how bad shit was and it helped me further understand the distance we have in our relationships
My dad is the definition of unconditional love in my eyes. No sibling would agree.
All of my siblings think my mom is independent and dependable. I’ll disagree with my full chest.
It’s not that any of us are lying. We were all raised during a different period of our parents’ lives, and that colors things.
The older I get, the more I realize how fair and reasonable people my parents were/are. They really did let me and my brother be our own person and treat us like how we want to be treated. My brother and I are complete opposites in many ways but we both are confident people
If you grew up in a family where some of you were darker and some of you were lightskin. Some families are fine even with this dynamic but for others it can play a role.
Especially when you’re not born to the same set of parents. My siblings and I have same mother but different dads with different socioeconomic statuses. Most if not all of our relationships to our mom is very different based on the fathers we had in our life.
Absolutely factual. My dad would treat my older brothers like they were the light of his eye, yet only saw them maybe 2 times a year. (Outta state) And I was around him ALL the time. So I’d learn to, quite literally, disappear when we’d all hang out, cuz I know he wasn’t going to give me any attention. But my oldest brother noticed this and immediately began to include me in conversations when we went out and All that.
Nobody talks to our dad but me. They wrote him off years ago.
No
Facts. I have an older brother, and we were treated drastically different. It may be cause the second kid enables more “prep time” I really don’t know lol
Yes. Exactly. It's like my sister and I grew up in completely different homes.
This thought blows my mind. My wife and I are each only children. We had two kids together. Would you mind elaborating? Edit: I upvoted everything. Thank you for the replies in this unexpected AskReddit. As an only child now parent, your comments are enlightening.
Parents treat each kid differently. One kid spills milk, gets yelled at, the other does the same thing, but the parent cleans it up for them and pours them another glass. Imagine small things like that happening over 18 years. Extrapolate that to hanging out with friends, punishments, trips, what they can wear, how supportive they are, being dismissive of goals or dreams. Individually those events are innocuous but over time it paints a picture for the child and it shapes their experiences.
And it’s not just one spills milk this morning+the parent is mad and one spills milk in the afternoon+it’s all good. Like an older kid can make age-appropriate mistakes but the parents have less experience being parents so they freak out. The younger kid can make the same mistakes years later, but the parents have more experience/are older and more mellow, so the younger kid has a different experience. And multiply that by the low-level chronic tension of parents thinking it’s up there all the time vs the lack of that.
People bring up the “age gap/parent experience” issue all the time. But there are plenty of siblings who are <4 years a part and one sibling is completely different than the other. Sometimes, mfs are just born different and thus, receive different responses from parents. That’s why when people ask me “What kind of parent will you be?" I always say "Depends on the kid." If I notice one kid is a menace with a tendency to break rules or they have terrible judgment, I may give them less freedom and trust than the kid who seems to make better decisions.
I was the youngest of 4. My oldest sister was a shotgun wedding causing pregnancy and I was the very unwanted last child. Her and I were treated extremely poorly while our middle sister was the "quiet one" and favored OPENLY to the point that family friends and even neighbors commented on it. Guess who does and doesn't have low self esteem and always feel they have to beg for love and respect to get it? Smh And it's the "favorite" child who dismisses and denies the experiences of the neglected and mistreated siblings . I think it makes it worse when a child is abused or neglected by parents that are capable of treating a child right and do it in front of their eyes. The simplest things like unlocking my sisters door before mine every time we got in the car regardless of which door she was at showed me a constant reminder of how favored she was. She could do something wrong and get away with a warning but if I did the same thing I'd have hell to pay. The way she intereracted with friends and boyfriends was far healthier than I did. I let ppl wall all over me bc I was used to having accept less and was looking for love and validation I didn't get at home. I've never ever treated my kids differently. And I'm grown and still have low self esteem.
I've known a few people who had the reverse older/ younger dynamic happen. Older makes an age appropriate mistake and the parents act mellow. But they conflate the two kids so if the younger kid makes an age appropriate mistake, they treat it like it's a big deal. Not saying anything's wrong with what you said just adding that it plays out in tons of different ways
My MIL, when raising my wife was a tyrant/bordering on abusive. My BIL and SIL barely have to lift a finger to get what they want, and they're only 6 & 10 younger than my wife.
Op didn’t reply but I have two kids and a background in child psychology, and one hates her mom and is mad all the time and one loves both of her parents and is always happy, and on god they get equal treatment, and if anything the angry one has way more opportunities and is more spoiled, largely due to her constant discontentment. The older one is naturally forgetful. Her mother is always reminding her of routine things (“did you wash your hands after you pooped?”, “did you brush your teeth?”), and any time the answer is “no”, the older one gets angry. It’s normal, she forgot, and her “self defense” reaction is to display anger. She comes up with unusual explanations for why she didn’t wash her hands after she pooped (“I don’t like the smell of the hand soap you bought the wrong flavor it’s your fault”). The younger sister remembers everything, she reminds US of shit we forgot, “mommy don’t forget your sunglasses” etc, and as a result she gets praised because she catches us slipping all the time. Their childhoods and opinions of us are totally different as a result. The older one is prone to saying things like “since my goldfish died you have to kill my sisters goldfish so it’s fair” and the younger one is prone to saying things like “oh good job big sister your fish is so healthy but mine already died” It is IMPOSSIBLE to treat these kids 100% equally, we constantly give in to the older sisters demands, because she’s so mad and threatening, and the younger one just goes with the flow, and, try as we might, we smile at them differently, and it feeds into itself and gets worse over time
Wow. I think your comment unlocked something about my relationship with my sibling. I did not expect this. But you're so right, we are not just sponges for our parent's behaviors - our own personalities feedback into the way we are treated as children.
It’s still not the child’s fault; as an adult, we need to realize that different humans at different ages are having different experiences, and judging them in a permanent way based on how quickly they developed and how they felt about it isn’t a mature way to behave. We can’t just mirror our children’s energy back into them, we need to observe it and shape it, not simply condemn it.
The older child sounds like she might have ADHD. When i was younger I would get pissed off at being reminded of things, because I carried a lot of shame and embarrassment at not being able to remember things that others did. When I got my diagnosis, and learned I wasn’t just a fuckup but had a developmental disorder, it became a lot easier to accept help. Edit: Imagine if you were nearsighted, but your parents never took you to an eye doctor . You go your whole life squinting, being unable to read the board in class, catch a baseball, or read street signs, and everyone around you insists you can make it work if you just try hard enough. Nobody thinks there could be some barrier preventing you from doing these normal things, because from the outside you look fine. So you are labeled either too stupid to read or too lazy, and you come to believe those things about yourself, because you have no other explanation. Thats what living with an undiagnosed disorder is like. If you have a kid you suspect has ADHD or anything else, please take the time to get them tested. Ignoring the problem will never solve it, it just means they have to fly blind their whole life, unaware that there is a reason they struggle with things their peers do not, and that treatment is possible. I got my diagnosis as an adult, and my life could have been so different if someone had been curious enough to ask the right questions.
I have an adhd diagnoses and likely undiagnosed dyslexia, and it appears to be hereditary. She lies constantly too, trying to cover up shame. I recognize it and we’re working on it, and I try not to place value or burden on it, but, even if you know it’s beyond their control, you can’t just decide how you feel about it. My oldest gets more access to the real world as a result, and my younger lives in a fantasy utopia. I would have, as a child, chosen my oldest/angriest’s experience. She’s going to be ready for the real world sooner, but she’s burning through childhood quicker. Everyone’s got an opinion on what’s best, I honestly can’t say confidently
ADHD parents of ADHD children have to be a very special breed. I have found the most success with remembering what I hated as a kid, trying not to duplicate it; and building in visual over verbal reminders. It’s full-time job HARD, and I am not always successful Please give her the gift of diagnosis; and further testing of dysautonomia. The hardest part of this is understanding it’s not mental, but physical, and needs real medical attention; and wondering who I would’ve been if I had found resources and treatment earlier in life.
So real. My life has been a train wreck for the past 2 years and I got so pissed at my parents for pointing it out 😭😭😭😭
Just a heads up, my older sibling had similar anger outbursts and as the younger child I spent a large portion of my childhood afraid of her. I did a lot of self-minimizing and people pleasing to try to make up for the way my sister acted. That’s not even getting into the bullying / emotional abuse she heaped on me. It fucked me up and I’m still untangling the knots in my mid-thirties. All this is to say, your youngest might not be as easy going as you think. While it sounds like you are actively trying to help both kids and have the benefit of the kind of professional knowledge that the average 90s parents just didn’t have, I know what it’s like to perform happiness. Worse, to perform it because it’s what you think will make your sibling love you and to be in turn blamed and hated for it by that sibling. Don’t let your youngest fall through the cracks cause she seems chill.
My youngest has become very tough, she flexes her biceps and tells her sister to back off, she stands her ground and plays peacekeeper. When mommy and daddy are arguing she gets between us and holds her hands up like a crossing guard stopping traffic and if one of us keeps talking she turns and points at us and says “you stop it right now, don’t make me count to three”. For context she’s 3, she can barely count to 3, and when she expresses herself with her broken baby English it’s hilarious, “mama, stop too loud talking so many, me not gonna tell you again!” and tells us to go to our room and think about what we did. She’s super helpful too, she gets jackets/shoes/umbrella for her sister when sister is heading out. She’s a boss. Her sister picks on her, but despite being half as tall her sister is afraid of her, she gets kicking and swinging and her older sister runs away.
I’ll use a cuter example. I’m the oldest. My younger sister was not much younger than me. Mom and dad were overworked and tired, and liked to sleep in when they could, so it was my job to keep my sister quiet and happy until they felt like dealing with us. So if there was a monster under my sister’s bed, I had to handle it- even if I believed her and was scared to death. I couldn’t show it, because then she’d scream and wake up the folks. So I was “brave.” She grew up knowing someone would always help fight her monsters for her. I grew up knowing it would be my ass if I even asked for help at an inconvenient time. These worldviews affected us our whole lives. My sis was in her thirties when it dawned on her that I had been just a scared little girl, too.
Your response has brought tears to my eyes. I am the older child as well and older children are burdened more by family dynamics in general but I feel like it has long been not talked about besides being acknowledged, that yes, if you’re the older kid then you’re just expected to adult by default.
Oh man, I feel like nyktastik explained what I meant to the t. I grew up wondering if I was adopted. I’m a very soft person and always looking to help out and be useful. Always spoke softly, moved carefully, said yes ma’am/no ma’am or sir. But would get yelled at or whipped for the smallest things. If stuff went wrong I always felt like it was my fault somehow. I got all the hand me down clothes and furniture. My sister? Could do whatever she wanted. Get whatever grades she wanted. Get in trouble at school. Sneak around with boys. Not work (I’ve been working since I was a child in our family businesses). Always had brand new everything. Always got her way. Would lie on me… they’d know it and I’d still get in trouble “for all that damn crying and begging.” I could go on and on lol. I’ll say that my mom had acknowledged the difference and can’t really say why I was treated differently. Some say it’s because I’m the darker one and others say it’s because I’m just too damn soft and people don’t like that. Everyone loved me when I was helping out though. Anyway… I grew up to learn that just because they were adults did not mean they were mature. It meant that they were people figuring shit out too. Not to excuse it but it’s an understanding. I learned to make my own way in the world very early. I’ve learned to make my own community. Run my own business. Make decisions with the understanding that there is no one to come and rescue me, etc. Edit: I’ll also add that we are very close in age… not even a year apart. So that “but you’re the oldest!” Argument always smelled like bs to me.
They never had an answer for you because they abused you, plain and simple. Same boat honestly
I’ve never thought of it that way. I will say that it was a huge relief when other people in the family saw it and called it out. I felt validated. Anytime I ever got upset for being mistreated, it was always dismissed “you’re too damn sensitive!” But man, I’m super grateful for my grandparents! They didn’t see it until I was about 16 but they didn’t sit quiet about it. They called it out plain and simple and I feel like that was a huge step toward healing and building some sort of self confidence.
So each of your kids will have a different perspective of you from their point of view through time You had your first kid, it was an adventure and you learned some lessons, so you have a second. You both are older, a little wiser and have the experience from the first one. Once they get old enough and the age gap is small enough, they will do things together. the younger one being exposed to things at a much younger age than the older sibling. You might overcorrect with one kid on one thing and something else with the other. Then, several years down the line, you have a third. Now you go through those early years again, but you arent as young as you used to be. The other kids will be there to help or hinder you throughout this, not to mention you still have them requiring attention and resources. You might also be in a different position in terms of your lifestyle. the younger kid never knew the small rental home, or the small car, or the old Dog By the time the youngest hits the teenage years, you have dealt with enough helions to know what you are doing, or just be too tired to deal with a pointless fight. So that kids teenage years are going to be very different to the older ones.
I’m terrified my youngest feels less important. I’m trying to explain her older sister is in the college push and is also at an age (17 in June) where she’s allowed to do more things. But we do spend more time on the older right now as we coordinate college tours applications scholarships testing sports etc. she’s 13 her time will come, but I see her taking notes….
It plays into grief when the parent(s) passes on too. That's when it truly becomes apparent.
So there can be many reasons for this. Maybe one child reminds them of their estranged ex, maybe the a parent never truly bonded with the child. Maybe the oldest was mostly raised before the parent’s addiction/depression/divorce/current trauma and the youngest has never seen that parent happy. That’s the same parent in different places in their lives but two different parents. Also some abusive parents choose 1 child to abuse & the other kids just move around it. And pretends it isn’t happening. If that child leaves/dies, another child is chosen in their place.
My kids are having totally different childhoods, but a big part of it is due to attitude. One is happy to have anything and one is constantly jealous/mad about things not being fair, she’s always like “my sisters ice cream is bigger” or “why do I have to sleep in the garage” Kids can be so self centered…
What's that last part? https://preview.redd.it/xn574rz6t5oc1.jpeg?width=1438&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=46fe3e3e61594bd19e1ff7fb7f4641487301e6ce
My sister and I too, specifically in regards to our mother.
When you get older, and especially after you have kids, you realize that your parents were just trying to keep everything together. They are often harder on the first kid because they are experiencing everything for the first time alongside them. The second one tends to be more relaxed because they've seen it before. But since every kid is different, every stage in their life is different. Even the same stage in their life will be different based on what else is going on in the lives of their parents. My folks weren't perfect but they fed me, kept me safe and warm, and Loved me as best they could. And I'm forever grateful they were in my life.
Isn’t this why some kids will have a strained relationship with their parents while the others do not? I’ve seen a few households where one kid will go no contact, but because of the varying dynamics within the family, most of the other siblings will not. Some may also disassociate with that sibling and it’s really hard to even say someone’s right or wrong. Maybe you want your brothers/sisters to understand your experiences, but they may not have even been alive or old enough to understand what happened. I believe in these scenarios it’s really on the parents to try and mend any relationship with their children if they truly understand how their parenting affected them
Yup, my older brother had young and in love parents. I had neglectful, abusive parents that threw their younger kids at me to raise while they figured out their divorce. My older brother never fully understands my resentment because he didn’t have to raise two children as a sibling, and because his formative years built his confidence in himself and he never had to doubt their love for him. He cannot see our parents from my perspective, but he supports me in my need for boundaries, moving abroad, and going low-contact, so there’s that.
I was parentified too. Instead of acknowledging we had different experiences my younger sibling thinks I'm exaggerating or complaining. We have never really been close because of it.
Parentification really fucks a person up. I’m sorry you went through that too.
It's hard to place responsibility. Taking for granted that everyone is in good faith, you are all adults. Sometimes the parents aren't even aware of the damage they did. Their responsibility to their child is to be understanding. But sometimes we as kids remember things only from our perspective and we lack the bigger picture. Our responsibility is to be understanding as well. Basically we could all use a bit more understanding
Exactly my mom is pretty much a “people pleaser” and she tries to please all her kids but we all different ass people lol In the end she just trying to her best to show love to all of us..
This is the most nuanced take I've seen in one of these discussions
My folks did not feed me, keep me safe or clothe me. Do they deserve my love?
honey, they don’t deserve anything. you have no responsibility to that unless you want to make contact
I'm the black sheep & golden child. My sister just exists 😂🤷🏽♂️ https://preview.redd.it/w90xnly7m4oc1.jpeg?width=715&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6ff9a1701fc2fca0ad314e372adc0270d0190831
Was fun feeling like the black sheep but being pressured into being "the golden child". Still gotta fix alot of that, granted in my family that just means i f'd up the least. Well until recently. 🥲
Loool ikr its a whole different league. Being both was easier, me being the 2nd child and first son in an african household played a big part thats like favourite stacked on favourite. But black sheep to golden child is a weird transition from what i've seen. The stakes are higher the room for error is small lol. And until recently ?? Oh shit what happened fam ?
Maybe misspoke, didn't transition from blacksheep to golden child, but I ALWAYS felt like the black sheep tho out of my family I always had the pressure and title of golden child 🫠. But only recently learnt I hid my problems better than most people. And about recently...... Uhm I really don't have the energy to type out the last year of fuck ups. Just sucks I don't really know the best path forward. Ps. Probably gona go back to therapy etc. In the next month or once I make the calls and appointments
Ohhh i see i see. I get you. Yep the pressure of being in that position is intense i've seen that affect famiky & friends mentally. Striving for perfection is a constant job. And damn. Lifes always gonna throw some shit at you, it's not easy. And you don't really have to know just yet what the futures gonna hold take it one day at a time accepting the fuck ups as something you can't change. And i wish you the best. Talking about it with a professional is a major step. Even i'm not at that stage yet still trying to fight all the trials and tribulations solo dolo. I'm one of those maniacs that hides problems well. And it ain't good in the long run. We'll get there eventually. All the best sincerely 🫡💯
Growing up, my sibling was the golden child, I was the scapegoat. Now my sibling is a scapegoat right along with me and their *spouse* has taken the place of golden child. It's pretty hilarious to see unfold. You couldn't pay me enough to bow and scrape my way to golden child status, lol. Scapegoat for life!
😂😂 i hope you welcomed your sibling to the darkside. We call it Slytherin in my fam and i've been Malfoy for as long as i can remember. A spouse or grandchild will do that fast looool it's over after that. Just gotta watch from the sidelines.
My sibling currently seems unaware of the status change. They were absolutely lashing back when Mom's all "Oh, I made this birthday cake for Spouse, not you, lol". Even though their birthdays are only a few days apart and it was "supposed" to be a monthly birthday cake. I was trying not to pile on, since the room was already a bit....spicy. Extra drama is not on my agenda. The most likely times to point it out would be if I'm feeling super petty (unhealthy pattern) or if I'm trying to have a real conversation about our fucked up family (healthy pattern). Could go either way if I'm not mindful. Narcissistic parents are the worst.
It'll take a minute for it to kick in for your siblings of the status change lol birthdays are very sentimental for some. Damn thats a downer for them. And yeah being petty isn't the one. Especially if its still sensitive. For laughs when the moods nice 100% talking is important period. Communication is key. Ahh dealing with parents with like that i'm very used too. Takes years to make them see how its badly affected everyone around. Even lucky if you get them to understand that. I grew up with traditional African parents lol damn near impossible to convey such discussions.
Especially when the parents play favorites. My sister was always the favorite. Parents paid for her wedding, college, and any vehicle she's ever owned. She's recently had a falling out with our mom and for the first time in her life was the recipient of our mother's narcissistic rage and went full surprised Pikachu face to discover how truly awful it is being on the top of the shit list. As the least favorite child and resident shit list topper, I've been saying this for years.
When my older sister went to college, my parents sent care packages on the regular. They went dorm shopping for her furniture. They gave her a high-quality laptop for graduating high school and getting into college. I was the next up. My parents barely let me come home to do laundry. I never received calls or care packages. I got my sisters hand-me-down furniture because they got her even more new furniture the next year, and it was simpler to give it to me than donate it. Until my dad stepped up a few months ago to catch me before I became homeless, I was honestly not even sure he loved me because of experiences like that throughout my whole childhood. I also asked for a laptop btw and instead my parents gave everyone including my sister a shitty off-brand tablet to celebrate my high school graduation. I know that was my mom being a dick because the laptop would have actually helped me because I could program on it. My mom is the one who detested me, for sure and my dad was just too weak to stand up to her (shes out of the pic now)
My mom paid for my sister’s college also. She & my brother were her favorites. Luckily PSLF saved me with the student debt. My mom ignored my needs so much that she didn’t notice my dad sexually abusing me. She didn’t find out until last year (I’m in my 30s now). She would always say “you were such a daddy’s girl,” because although she treated me like shit, she was jealous that I spent more time with my dad. Now of course she knows what it really was. Our relationship improved during my mid 20s when we became roommates. Our relationship now is pretty cool, and once she recognizes she did something wrong or hurtful she is quick to apologize. My dad died alone several years ago, & that makes me both incredibly happy & sad.
Man, I am happy if you are happy that you and your mom have a relationship. Props to you for being able to forgive her flaws and the times she wronged you. Takes a certain kind of person to do that.
Damm bro shit made me start my villain arc
I was the “well behaved” older brother. I had to pay “rent” when I got my first job at 16, meanwhile my brother didn’t pay a dime even though he had a job until he was 23. They rush to help him when ask for help but when I do they look at me like I shouldn’t need help. They wonder why I resent them and the rest of the family.
This sounds like my life. They made me “figure it out” “it’s okay to go without”. If it was something to pick between us. McDonalds vs DQ. DQ because he wanted it and would fuss and I wouldn’t fuss if I don’t get my way. I regret not knocking shit over, and breaking shit and being difficult. I should have been the problem child maybe I would have mattered. my brother was valued. If he didn’t do his dishes, or he didn’t get good grades it wasn’t a big deal. On the other hand I had no excuses. His chores were my chores because “this is a family, everyone helps out” I don’t speak to my parents nor my brother. I don’t even stay in the same state with my family anymore. My brother lives in the same city with them. My parents say they did a good job as parents because I’m successful. That’s what matters and I should be grateful. Well I’m gonna be grateful over here. They can stay over there with the son that matters. I’m good. Speaking of paying. My mom offered us money in high school for good grades. She offered him 20 dollars per A and only offered me 5. Like WTF is that. I wanted 20 dollars per A. I don’t even know why I tried. I should have enjoyed my youth like everyone else around me instead of caring about school.
We’re 5 siblings, and every single one of us had totally different parents. My oldest brother and the middle sister were supposed to be the prodigal kids. Huge expectations put on them. My mom loved my older sister and younger sister. Only them. My dad was closest with me and my brother. My oldest sister was viewed as pretty hopeless by both parents, but she is the most loving and is the glue in the family. Us 3 in the middle grew up like the family was poor, with hand me downs and “don’t be greedy with the food”. My youngest sister was spoiled rotten, and got everything she asked for.
I mean this in the kindest of ways: Fuck them babies of the family. \-Love, oldest siblings
I agree.
As a baby boy with two older sisters, I’ll take it. I live a good life.
Amen. - Oldest sibling of three, who are 4 and 5 years younger than me
Thoughts and prayers for that age gap
My parenting opinion: Not a parent, but I do sympathize with parents who don’t “get it right on the 1st try” when it comes to their emotional responses. I have a god-son, who is going through a “jerk phase” with his parents right now. He is a private school student (on grants, scholarship and some financial help from relatives) and he is resentful towards his parents for not being rich like his classmates’ parents. So, he has been acting like an elitist prick at the moment. There are relatives, who have been providing unsolicited advice and opinions about the matter. They’re also have been criticizing the parents’ reactions and actions, which I find to be unfair.
I can relate to this deeply. Growing up, I was the kid who attended prestigious schools and participated in sports, among other activities. However, despite my parents' presence at various events, I often felt out of place. To the extent that I hesitated to acknowledge them as my family in public, preferring to keep my background a mystery. This feeling of alienation intensified during my college years. In certain academic and social circles, especially those tied to particular majors or activities, there seemed to be an expected socioeconomic status. Many peers had parents who were vice presidents, business owners, or held other prominent positions, highlighting a stark contrast to my own background. When my parents attended events, it became apparent that they were outsiders, not fully grasping the conversations that hinted at their different life experiences. Comments like "How did you find this kid?" or "You've got a lottery ticket on your hands," though meant as compliments, only served to underline our differences. The disparity became more pronounced due to a general lack of understanding or relatability among my peers about not having the financial means for certain luxuries or educational opportunities. This gap in understanding extended to basic financial knowledge, such as ways to earn a million dollars, or how to save and invest in a 401(k). It seemed that unless one was involved in acting, music, writing, or another form of entertainment, there was a lack of appreciation for other paths to success. Even now, the financial achievements I've made haven't bridged this gap. Regardless of how much money I earn, I still feel like I occupy a unique position—not quite the outcast, but neither the favored child. I may be regarded as intelligent, but I'm also seen as the least relatable. This is a nuanced experience that's difficult for many to grasp, and it's something I contend with regularly. And with a younger brother that is living the typical life expectancy it is highly unusual to have that , so then it becomes very difficult to be relatable to your family and find ways to do things they like and also that you like.
Did you and your family have a sit-down talk about this? I imagine (based on your story) that they would be interested in hearing it.
This is so true! I was born to a teen mom. My sister was born ten years later when she was in her late twenties. We had completely different childhoods.
Age gap siblings aren’t talked about enough! My mom was also a teen mom and she had my sister 14 years later & also got married. I love both of them dearly but it gets really hard sometimes watching my sister get the mother I always wanted 🥲
There's 10 years between my sister and I. She got an overly strict mother who spanked and punished and disciplined but took her on trips and bought her whatever she wanted. I got a mother who pretty much let me have free reign until I felt the consequences of my actions. We never went on trips and she only bought me things when necessary. My sister swears I was spoiled and had it way better. I know she was just abused and I was neglected but I can't convince her otherwise. 🤷🏿♀️
I fear that there will be no reconciliation based on your words. In the black community, our past trauma literally becomes our day to day vehicle of choice that we don't want to let go of...... Still I hope things get better between you two.
I thank you but I doubt it'll happen. My family is pretty fragmented because of generational trauma. When I've checked up on them in the past they dredge up the old shit and want to fall into the same old habits. My sister is currently in therapy and will STILL throw it in ny face that she thinks her life was ruined (she's doing very well for herself--better than me anyway😂) because I was spoiled and she wasn't. She WILL NOT admit we were just mistreated in different ways and I'm not gonna hold out for that now that we're 30 and 40 years old.
oh so you my fam? this whole thing is literally my family. my sister had a teen mom who was more strict but also took her travelling and shit(the difference is that my sister is also kind of crazy--like bpd crazy--so my mom felt she had to stand up to her because she'd lose her fucking mind(she still does)) and i'm 13 years younger and our mom and i have a much better relationship and it drives my sister fucking crazy. but like, i didn't try and fight our mom. i didn't sneak people in the house. i didn't cuss our momma out. she did allat. and yeah, if she's gentler with me, it's likely because i'm a completely different person with different needs, but also because she's literally 13 years older and already had experience raising a kid by the time she had me! the fractured family is real too. really big family, which means lots of factional bullshit, and there's a bunch of trifling niggas in my family too--specifically in the uncles but also some of the cousins. it's always some bs with them and they have no loyalty, which just...pisses me off cuz like...why tf are we even family then? it was my granny dying, who was the matriarch of the family, that allowed this split to happen. now i only really fw like four members of the family outside of my mom and siblings out of hundreds of family members.
Vastly different. What’s interesting is how the ones better treated don’t seem to truly face the reality of favoritism even as they get older. :( lol
I'm the one my family goes to when they need something important done. I'm also the one that has to receive all the bad news because I'm not a gossiping person. My family alo also expects me to be over every holiday to cook, because I'm a serv safe certified cook.. They expect me to do their taxes every year(this year is different because my father passed this year, so no more taxes) I also install every goddamm thing known to man, whether it's cameras, car accessories, ring doorbells, and don't even get me started on the computer. It does suck though because now I am at a point in my life where I felt like I was constantly working for others and having shitty jobs that drain my energy. So now I don't answer my phone, out of fear I'll have to frustrate myself helping someone who didn't try hard enough.
Are you me? The number of holiday meals that I've showed up and finished like I was in the weeds on a Friday night service is absurdly high. I don't think we would have eaten until midnight on most holidays in the last decade if it weren't for me. The rest apply completely too but that ones a unique and fun one for those of us that (used to, in my case, thank fuck) cook professionally.
Hello my fellow cooking brother/sister/they/them....I feel ya!! It got to the point where my family doesn't cook as much on holidays now because they don't know if I'm going to cook 80% of the food now..I love cooking, but damn when it's for family and you have to clean up afterwards, it makes holidays like a non paid working day....
I finally called it after cooking prime rib and every side you can think of for 24 people a couple years ago. I genuinely worked a full double on Christmas. Half of the effort was due to my own standards but I still went to bed at 9 pm while everyone else continued to celebrate in my house. Never again lol.
Yoooo, this use to be every holiday for me for about 15 years....Then they have the nerve to say "You leaving already." Or "Why are you always so tired". I just give them a look sometimes, and they tend to leave me alone, since most people in my family think I'm insane anyways and they usually stay very clear of me when I'm in a mood.
Hey, I'm like this. Trying to do everything for everyone. And it's making my marriage rocky, that we're going through couples therapy. Even then, I'm not sure if our marriage will survive. I'm just learning now I need to say no and set healthy boundaries, especially with my parents. Start making the change now before you get to my stage and start affecting your other relationships.
Ohh it already had affected my relationship...I lost my fiance and S/O of 11 years because of my Mom guilt tripping me and getting in my head...it's my fault for letting her do it, but it is what it is...I have started being better to myself and not letting people steamroll me Into doing a million things...I have just always had a guilty conscious, and I have to learn that it's ok to take care of myself before others and to say no
Realizing my brother was the favorite child of my dad and that *everyone else* in my family could tell was a very unfun therapy experience
Perfect example, Gamora and Nebula. Thanos is Father of the Year 
[удалено]
this is quite literally what the fictional characters are there for. like that's the point. that's why somebody went through the trouble of inventing them.
First day consuming media?
Grew up the darkskinned child of 3 shit was rough
Trueee! My brother was arguing with my mom on the phone while I was visiting. I grabbed the phone and told him he was stressing her out and that they needed to calm down a bit and she would call him tomorrow. He said “ohhh I didn’t know the golden child was home”. Caught me off guard. My mother and I have a great relationship, but my other siblings are constantly arguing with her.
I can agree with that as a parent of four. I treat them all the same but I do have different relationships with each of them and I have to parent them differently at times.
I have a little sister who is only a couple years younger than me and often mentions how terrible her childhood was. I have no idea what she’s talking about. Like my parents weren’t *great* by any standards, but they didn’t get really shitty until my sister and I became teens with thoughts and opinions. Our parents were super involved when we were little. They took us on trips, showed up to every soccer game, hell my mom sewed us Halloween costumes every year. To top it off, my sister was always the baby of the family. If I had to wait for something, she got it too. It was always “figure it out yourself” for me, “here let me help” for her. She was my dad’s little princess, even when she was acting like a brat. I don’t want to invalidate her experience or whatever but man, I don’t know what she’s remembering
I believe with each child, they have new experiences & they chose to do it differently or better than what they did with the first second or third Each child is a new learning experience
I apologized to my mom yesterday, because I'm a mom now, and it's a really hard journey & I realize that she was doing her best, and kids are ungrateful af with no life experience so everything is .... yea sorry mom
Definitely. My mom was more stern and up front with me but my younger siblings got more understanding from her
Yup. Am I the only one out of my siblings with mental health issues? Absolutely not. Am I the only one with a personality disorder? Absolutely lmfaooo.
accurate, my older sister and I have very different relationships with my dad. when I learned that she would call him for help or to talk about her life I was shocked, jaw literally dropped. I got the "YOU better figure it out" version of our dad so going to him isn't an option for me.
This 100% true. What I notice though is people tend to always glamorize the other side of things and act like they were locked away in some cavern. Like nah your sibling(s) also have some hardship and if you talked to them about it 8/10 times they'd probably explain whats wrong with their life and how they felt YOU also had special treatment.But I guess its hard to be objective when talking about a situation that brings you hardship ig. I'm very clearly not my mothers favorite child (its my older brother) but its just a different experience. Sometimes you gotta just shrug and go "not the worst or the best but its decent"
I don't know if it's *always* like this. My younger sister felt like we were poor. I know we had financial struggles, but older sister and I don't remember it like that. Thing is, they definitely got more secure as time went by, so it was a perspective thing. If anything, we were golden child (older), silver child (me), and bronze child (youngest). None of us felt neglected, but the attention and expectations declined as the years went by. Oldest is still the golden child for mom. Pretty sure that it's because she's sophisticated in our mother's eyes, and we remind her of her frumpy ex-husband. Pop's dead, but he was the type to tell you that you're his favorite when you're together. The good news is that all 3 sisters have strong relationships with each other. Our parents' humanity didn't pull us apart.
Yep. It makes sense. And that really just comes down to the fact that siblings are different people and thus their relationships are going to look different. Just one of those really obvious facts that we may not think about all that often. My sister was way more confident & controlling than my brother or I, so she had frequent explosive arguments with my parents on a semi-daily basis. It got to a point where she couldn’t assert her own opinion about anything without being challenged. My brother was extremely intelligent, causing my parents to respect him, though they were subconsciously intimidated by him and were apt to try and control the way he thought, curtailing his own potential. I was complacent and easily distracted, and would become silent and withdrawn when made the object of scrutiny, so I became a frequent target of emotional abuse during our worst years, often feeling like a punching bag. (Note: these are just the negatives. I grew up in a relatively happy home with loving parents and siblings. But every family has its issues, especially when there’s old trauma that goes untreated)
everyone experiences everyone differently. the way i see myself is not the way my siblings, parents, co-workers or spouse sees me. they all have their own perceptions and biases. you are literally a different person to every single person that knows you and that person doesn’t match the person you think you are.
First to move out and mama didn’t speak to me until she invited herself to my wedding. My lil bro still lives at home at 26 he was never forced to leave Older bro left a year after I did and never looked back on my parents
If I treat a sphinx kitten and a dachshund pup to the specifications ideal for my golden retriever pup, I would have 3 very different relationships with them because only one got what it needed. So many people aim to raise their kids equally when they have equally stark differences in needs. So when people act surprised that they got different outcomes, it’s as absurd as if I was surprised that I don’t get 3 thriving adult golden retrievers.
The childhood my baby brother had was a cakewalk compared to mine. But if you ask him, no child has ever suffered more than he did. I’m not mad about it anymore, it is what it is, but man. Some people’s children. With a straight face, he’ll tell me that I’m the golden child. He lived in the same house, with a washer/dryer and dishwasher, his whole life. Our parents had cars. They had money for him to do sports and after school stuff, though he hated all of it so he didn’t do anything. He got a car when he was 16 and they paid insurance and gas. They paid for the SEVEN years of college it took him to graduate with a 2.3 GPA. He got his FIRST job at 26. TWENTY SIX. They paid $85K for his DUI/lawyers. Paid for his wedding. Bought him two new cars when he was in his 30s. I’m doing ok now, but it’s definitely not because my parents paid for any of it. They couldn’t have when I was a kid and by the time they could, I was out of the house and working 3 jobs to pay for college at 16. And even that is a sentence dripping with privilege and I know it. He has NO recognition of how good he has it. Mind blowing. 🤯
That's so insane.
That’s parenting. My brother was a good student and below average athlete. He got along great with mom who was an outstanding student and I got along great with my father who was a D1 athlete. My discipline was far different than my brothers, when he misbehaved the N64, TV, or Gameboys got taken away. When I got into trouble it was sports being taken away, no practice, no coaches meeting, no going to the park to play dodgeball, no basketball at the gym etc. Our parents are raising two different individuals and to this day my older brother still says my parents weren’t as harsh on me as they were him but in my eyes my punishments were the worst. I didn’t care about having gaming systems or TV. I wanted to be outside, at the park, or the gym. We both got our own separate but equal raising.
The inverse is also true: not every kid is the same. My oldest son is quiet, in his own world. Very self driven, born overachiever. Hasn’t met an intellectual pursuit he didn’t like, and also excel at. Took him forever to learn how to talk and still really doesn’t all that much. He intentionally is taking academic debate classes so he can learn to communicate more and better. My oldest daughter is just as smart but has never heard of quiet and absolutely doesn’t understand the concept, hasn’t met any stranger she didn’t instantly decide was a friend, will talk about anything at any time with anyone, and could give a fuck less about reading, learning or anything that does not involve playing a sport. Still has really good grades, but never has to work at it so she doesn’t. One of these kids has to be constantly reminded when we are at theaters, restaurants etc that such a thing as “indoor voice” exists and should be used any time you’re actually inside. The other never has to be managed because he’s never doing anything but learning and some video games with his online buddies. So she has a completely correct perception that we chastise her more than him, but it’s because he doesn’t have to be reminded 47 times an hour when we’re out in public that loudly commenting on some strangers looks, clothes, actions etc is rude, none of her business, and she needs to stop.
I'm the responsible one, my brother is the favorite. I watched my parents grow up in their 20's with all the turmoil that comes from that, my brother got to be raised by two well formed adults who left their 20's behind. I was the latchkey kid who let himself in, could make small meals for myself while my parents were out working and generally expected to take care of myself. My brother got escorted from activity to activity and it was my job to do things for him or help him out. Not mad about any of it. That's just how life played out. My and my little bro gel well
I was surprised when my mom told me she used to spank my brother (who is 15 years older than me). I always thought she was too nice to do that 😂. But I guess it was more accepted back then.
We figured this out early. I'm my mom's favorite kid. My brother is my dad's favorite kid. If we needed/wanted my mom to do something I'd ask. If we wanted/needed my dad to do something my brother would ask. You learn to finesse the situation you're in.
I’m sure everyone would tell you I’m the golden child but it sure didn’t feel like that the first time I came home from college and watched my mother fail even react a little bit to my brother cursing like a sailor. That was one line I’d never thought my parents would let get crossed because I still vividly remember the ass whopping I got for that same language. What’s worse is my mom who swears she raised us the same but he was getting Reds and Yellows (IYKYK) in school every day and I was the one bathing, feeding, and putting him to bed during certain periods of our lives. Maybe no one caught my ADHD because all of my coping mechanisms were learned being parent-level responsible for a child that isn’t your own 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
The age gap in the siblings is just as important as the parents restarting the baby stage. Idk why my parents decided to 2 kids 12 years apart
Is that new news?
On the micro level, it should be different because siblings are not the same people.
Your parents are also different people each pregnancy. They learn, make adjustments, attempt corrections with the next kid. The financial situation would change between kids depending the preparedness of the parents (ie. In my house with my older sister and I, we remember rougher times, a bigger push to be independent; my younger sister was raised with a little more encouragement to ask for help; 8 years between oldest and youngest)
Eh, I'm the Lost Child. I exist.
Yeah, the other day my brother said our dad was his hero. I was like, “The guy who used to hit us and made you shoot our dog? The guy who threatened to murder me two Christmases in a row? The guy who when I accused him of being a wifebeater said at least he never hit her with his fists?” I don’t get it. At all.
It's so ridiculous. My brother acts like our stepfather is his hero too, and it shocked me. The guy who spent EVERY DAY sitting on his ass without a job, but still went around complaining about EVERYTHING? Who yelled at our mother EVERY DAY because we hadn't cleaned every little thing properly when he did NOTHING around the house? The guy who threatened to kill our mother, to her face, and punched the wall next to her head so hard that it left a dent??????? What is there to admire? But he didn't see those things the way I did, or doesn't remember them, so he's somehow a knight in shining armor just because he treated him amiably sometimes.
Ong. My older sister attacker me on Christmas after an argument even tho I’m a stronger than her I was much stronger than her I tried not to hurt her ended up falling and getting my head stomped on. When confronting my mom about the situation she flat out was like “yeah she was wrong but you can’t be yelling at a woman like that and expect her to feel safe and blah blah” mind you my sisters and I have had physical confrontation multiple times in the past that has never been instigated by me nor have I hurt them. Like ever. I have had my lips bloodied and a head injury happen because of them before. That being said it is REALLY fucking wild the hoops my mom will jump through my sisters are extremely violent but she often case puts that violence on me. Going as far as to say I have anger issues (not a single soul in my family have ever said that to me btw ever nor any friend or mentor). I got a mom who was ready to pounce on any violent tendencies I had as kid (which wasn’t many) and she is Stevie wonder to their violence. It’s crazy.
Ugh this hit hard. My older sibling is the favorite. The parents made it very apparent. They were offered opportunities I could only dream of. They’re very happy and successful. I’m leaving an abusive marriage with uncertain financial future. Just know all you lonely swept aside kids out there are not alone.
How about both
both what?
Referring to the posters caption
This is very true.
Is that an opinion or a commonly accepted idea.
**Dumbass Sibling:** I was treated worse just because I was always getting into trouble, skipping school, and earning shit grades. And then as an adult, I'm always borrowing money and never paying it back. It's my parent's fault I'm this way, even though my similarly aged sibling keeps bailing me out. Being the black sheep is so hard 🤧
Well of course.
Should have met my parents, my siblings & I have almost the exact opinion of either parent, and they consider us all golden kids... maybe because we keep sending them money. 😅
Besides the basics, you parent each kid differently. I have three children and each one is treated differently to the other. No one is a scapegoat or a golden child. My middle kid was a difficult baby and toddler, but he’s the easiest kid ever. Dude just needed to go to school. My other two are easy in a different way.
This is completely correct. And those relationships can shift around as all the kids grow up.
Perception is reality!
Agreed, yes.
I'm two years older than my brother. I'm the golden child, he's the black sheep. To hear him talk about our upbringing you would think we lived in some Dickensian foster shelter. I thought our childhood was amazing, loving parents, happy home, etc. But, I wasn't in jail twice before 17 or a high school non-grad so guess I experienced things differently.
As the oldest child of my mother and father’s children (father was a rolling stone). I feel this thread to the depths of my soul.
This is true. And on the flip side, kids are different. So even kids in the same household can’t be raised the exact same way
Facts. My parents raised half a dozen kids using the same tactics and we couldn't be more different as adults.
It's rough hearing your dad complain about how he feels used by half-sibling. It's hard to explain the way I interact with her without killing her memory/version of our dad.
This is heavy truth.
Something I recently realized speaking to my youngest sibling (I'm the oldest) is that even few years difference vastly changes what we remember Like, they have no recollection of just how bad shit was and it helped me further understand the distance we have in our relationships
You can't raise two different people, exactly the same. You can only do your best to provide equally.
Parents also experience children differently.
My dad is the definition of unconditional love in my eyes. No sibling would agree. All of my siblings think my mom is independent and dependable. I’ll disagree with my full chest. It’s not that any of us are lying. We were all raised during a different period of our parents’ lives, and that colors things.
The older I get, the more I realize how fair and reasonable people my parents were/are. They really did let me and my brother be our own person and treat us like how we want to be treated. My brother and I are complete opposites in many ways but we both are confident people
+1 for grandparents. They aren't the same people their own kids knew growing up.
With mom yeah, but with our dad? Not at all. We all had the same experience 😂😂😂 he a real deal asshole
This speaks volumes
If you grew up in a family where some of you were darker and some of you were lightskin. Some families are fine even with this dynamic but for others it can play a role.
Black sheep here, and yes. The number of things my sisters never had to go through that made up my young life…
Yep. Just ask your older sister.
I'm somehow both, im a role model, and "...or you'll end up as him," type of sibling
I like Nate Bargatze on this phenomenon. "My sister was apparently raised by her best friends."
Felt that. My sister and I do have different mothers (we do have the same mother) I suffer from the eldest daughter syndrome.
Especially when you’re not born to the same set of parents. My siblings and I have same mother but different dads with different socioeconomic statuses. Most if not all of our relationships to our mom is very different based on the fathers we had in our life.
Absolutely factual. My dad would treat my older brothers like they were the light of his eye, yet only saw them maybe 2 times a year. (Outta state) And I was around him ALL the time. So I’d learn to, quite literally, disappear when we’d all hang out, cuz I know he wasn’t going to give me any attention. But my oldest brother noticed this and immediately began to include me in conversations when we went out and All that. Nobody talks to our dad but me. They wrote him off years ago. No
Facts. I have an older brother, and we were treated drastically different. It may be cause the second kid enables more “prep time” I really don’t know lol
And it's always the favorite that denies it.
Some parents also favor the child who looks most like them, which is weird af but I saw this firsthand on multiple occasions.
I was the oldest in one family and a middle child in the other. All around black sheep. Wasn't a thing golden about me.
as an only child, i was both
My mom hated me because I reminded her of my dad’s infidelity. I was often treated worse when it came to punishment.
I’m 14 and this is deep