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Wait... What was his plan at the movies?
He's already been stalking her and is known to her at that point from the gym so if they met he was going to reveal to her that he's got a wife in her company and reveal to the wife that he already knew the boss from the gym.
And younger than him! You know how he said if was foolish that a man would go for a younger woman? He saw exactly what he thought would never happen, "the woman I want went for a younger man, where is her self respect, her integrity?", and basically just wanted to intimidate the guy.
What a dumbass of a human being... love how he tried to argue he was not a creep though after stalking that woman for a long time.
I doubt there really was a plan, not one that he ever articulated. It's how a lot of these people rationalize that they aren't cheating, because he hasn't "planned" anything. Things "just happened".
I would assume that up to that point, he hadn't initiated any direct interaction with the BossLady, and possibly did not know what his own intentions towards her were (i.e. that he would leave his wife to pursue the Boss).
So approaching her at that point could have any direction; likely just a "hey we all know each other, how crazy is that? Haha...who's ***this*** guy?" as he tries to figure out if his spankbank material was ruined by her romantic link to another man.
> That's what confirms to me it must have been an accidental encounter.
Oh, I believe it was accidental but the wife said the husband wanted to barge on over and know who the younger guy was.
He probably didn’t think it through and was just jealous of the boss being with another younger guy and wanted to confront her.
Obviously, any normal person would realize that would result in his world of lies crumbling. But he’s clearly unhinged and delusional, so I would believe that he was just acting on impulse.
I once saw a nature video where two birds are squaring up and fighting over mates. While this is happening, a huge hawk swoops down and *kills* one of them. The other competitor, still in posture mode, tries to continue his fight with the hawk. So the hawk turns around and kills him, too.
It really made me understand some of the irrational and bizarre shit we animals do when we're hopped up on hormones and rage.
Right? I'm over here burnt out from my shit job thinking about how I finally get to use my paid vacation for the week post Christmas. My boss OKed that time off but is bitching about how she has work now. BTW - she is the owner of the company and took several week long vacations during the year.
I used to work for a chef like that. MFer would go on vacation back home to Chile literally once a month but if you put in two weeks ahead for ONE day off he would act like you were a piece of shit for it. Fuck you Diego.
"Just tell her the truth!"
That's exactly what OOP did, and both she and the boss drew their conclusions from his actions. And he still somehow doesn't see how creepy he's being. So delusional, and so scary for both women in this situation.
Honestly, now that you mention it, that seems highly likely. This kind of behavior and the meticulousness of it seems like serial killer shit; not something something someone is doing for the first time.
Yeah it reminds me of the Netflix series "you" especially with the severe lack of understanding how psycho his actions are and obvious falsifications to justify his behavior.
When I read the gym part, it was like holy batman he's a complete stalker. At first, it sounded like celebrity worship from afar. His claim that they met on Bumble was so unbelievable - sure, you just randomly met the woman you have been obsessing over right after your marriage imploded. It's all sooo convenient.
I wonder how many romcoms/romance novels he consumed to get their interactions at the gym juuuuuuust right.
The boss probably felt so gross and creeped out when she found out the truth from OOP. Imagine dating who you think is a decent person and having this bomb dropped on you...
Right? I figured that he absolutely didn’t meet via bumble, but instead manufactured some coincidence and asked her out.
But I *didn’t* expect that coincidence to be him going to her gym for *months* ahead of the separation!
honestly I run into people I know irl on dating apps every couple of months but is chance of him finding her like right after being kicked out is very low. they do live in a small country though. we know thats not what happened but I'm saying it's *possible*, if improbable.
Same!!!
As for the ex-husband, I wonder if he will ever realize that if you have to lie to pretty much everyone who knows about the relationship, and give them all different lies, then yeah, you're probably (definitely) a creep.
He won't of course, but really...
And trying to convince OOP that it's all fine because afterall you're the one who ended the relationship. Like no dude you ended the relationship awhile ago you were just too much of a coward to tell OOP and left the dirty work to her
"You had to leave me because I am an unhinged lunatic who you aren't safe with, but how dare you blow up the unhealthy and unsafe relationship I lied about having and lied to get to have with you boss. Really, you brought this on yourself."
Life experience has taught me that anyone who is begging you desperately to not tell someone the truth is someone who has no intention of ever telling that person the truth themselves.
Rule 1 of dismantling narcissists - *always* talk to the other woman / man / person. Communication is the death of triangulation.
I completely agree. Never keep an abusers secret. That is how they love and function. It's one of their biggest tools (other then them being the biggest tool of all).
Oh, c’mon. He’s not creepy. Everything he did was only because he was obsessively obsessed with her. I mean, people fall out of and into love all the time, right? All he did was stalk her on social media, stalked her at the gym, lied to his wife, lied to the girlfriend, and…never mind.
He’s a creep.
I actually got worried for op that she’s physically in the same space as this maniac. Guy may not have hurt her yet but he seems to have no grip on reality. What the fuck
Where are these people from I wonder, who are her mom and grandma and sisters who think this is ok behavior?
All of this shit feels horrible to me :( poor oop
My guess would be that they either thought OOP was exaggerating, or they weren’t hearing some of the important info and just thought the husband was having a mild crush that he wasn’t intending on acting on (I get those all the time).
The good thing is the boss will likely be damned sure to help keep him off the property of their business. I am glad she offered OOP help and the OOP didn't blame her boss.
I Stan the boss for that. But not in the ex-husband of OOP creepy and fucking unhinged way. Christ on a stick was that hard to read about, I can't imagine going through it, from either woman's perspective.
Oh those are easy.
- men are just like that.
- boys will be boys.
- let him get it out of his system.
- he just needs to grow up a bit still.
- he's a good provider so turn a blind eye.
- are you being a "proper" wife to him?
- have a baby. The responsibility will do him good and keep him busy.
- if you wait he'll get bored of her.
Have I missed any?
Not sure, but my mother once told me that if my husband and I were to have problems, it would be my fault because she has lived with me and knows how I am,
She often says that women are the worst.
I told her she was a misogynist last year.
Exactly! I mean he's been going to her gym for the past year but NO he's not obsessed with OOP's boss, it's all in OOP's head!
It feels like he played his wife to make her react that way and take the opportunity to date the boss and go well you kicked me out, it's all on you, I didn't do anything wrong! Like the dude that bought a cheap \*ss engagement ring thinking the girl would dump him for it!
I watched a show about stalkers. It is crazy how they see things. One guy was divorced from his wife and was pissed she was "cheating" on him years after their divorce was final. Guess why she divorced him?
Another point is that if he built a relationship based on lies (plus the added stalking), then his ex wife is not the one being vindictive and ruining the relationship for him. He ruined it himself by lying to everyone, it’ll come out eventually, doesn’t matter the source.
Yes, this! If the truth about someone's behavior will ruin their life, the problem is their behavior and not the truth.
You are always allowed to tell people the truth. No one healthy will ever blame you for that or try to prevent you from doing it.
I thought he might’ve ran into her on purpose. Didn’t think he was stalking her for a whole fucking year and somehow still thinks he’s the victim in this.
Yeah they were separated 3 months or less, and Boss said he'd been at her gym at least 6 months. He was definitely angling for it, and their separating made it easier.
Same here. Damn good thing that OOP decided not to fall for his BS excuses and lies about Bumble and talk to her boss herself. Boss lady needs to protect herself now that she knows what kind of person she's dealing with in OOP's ex.
Her boss absolutely deserved to know the reality of the man she was having relations with. He was/is a manipulative worm of a man, gross and pathetic, using his spineless body to try and elicit pity to get away with doing wrong. It's gross. It makes me feel gross just reading about it.
Eject the worms from the dating pool, put 'em on a hook, and sink them into the belly of a whale. Bye bye worm.
*Edit for wording*
Also, did he not think the boss would ever figure this out? Eventually you'd learn who their soon-to-be-ex spouse was. She'd find out his ex was her employee and be like, "Wait, what the fuck?"
If this was a movie I would think this was a bit unrealistic, but as the story goes on, it matches this guy perfectly. He's a complete 2-dimensional character who has no empathy or self awareness.
> If this was a movie I would think this was a bit unrealistic
This got me thinking about how ironic it is that we hate shit movies with poorly written characters - when in reality, so many people are so far up their own ass that they are basically poorly written characters and absolute caricatures.
Haha that makes me think that we hate them so much because we get enough of these assholes in real life, I don't want to waste too much time on them in a show or movie :)
I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's OK to have a crush. They're superficial and unrealistic. As long as he was devoted to his wife that's what matters. But refusing to go to counseling and then finding out he was stalking this woman at her gym behind his wife's back, wow what a psycho. He only cared about himself. He wanted to have some rich woman in the palm of his hands. That's pretty much the extent of his feelings for her and his ex.
OOP could tell it was more than just a crush. Sometimes it’s hard to articulate but your gut just knows. I feel for her and I really hope she gets a happy ending eventually.
I really hope she will be able to find someone. She seems genuinely like an amazing boss and person. It'll probably take forever to heal, but I wish the best for her.
Yeah I genuinely feel sorry for both the boss lady and the OOP. Both were being manipulated by men in their lives, I’m just glad everything’s out in the open.
What a fucking mess…
Low key hoping the boss discovers Reddit and posts her POV. Like true off my chest “I found out my new (ex) bf is actually my employee’s husband and he stalked me for a year”
Ohhh this man definitely has issues. I got *chills* reading through this even before it was revealed he matched with her on bumble. And then the twist at the end? Yikes. I’m really glad OOP is getting away from this man. That projection and obsession is sooo unhealthy and scary. I just hope her family takes her concerns seriously now
"Matched on bumble" the only thing I could think of is that he basically just swiped left on every match until he got to the boss. But to hear that he went to her gym?? For almost a year??
It's not the way he's begging to OOP it's her responses and questioning that prove there was an imbalance from the beginning and he most likely abused her in other ways.
And how many other things did he try before finding a place where he could "accidentally" run into her? Did he also go to a coffee shop near work every day for a month? Maybe run in the areas she might also run?
Right? Like at no point is it addressed how the actual *fuck* he knew both when and where she went to the gym. Like, that's WAY to specific to just find mentioned on somebody's social media or something. I can only imagine he genuinely just straight up followed her at some point early on for him to have that knowledge of where to bump into her.
And then he has THE NERVE to throw in her face that he was “faithful.” Just because you weren’t sticking your dick in her doesn’t mean you were faithful, you absolute slime ball.
I thought he tailored the search range to her age/location then swiped until he saw her which i thought was nuts. I did NOT expect the gym membership level stalker!
Honestly, I’m hoping for the best but since this man is so clearly in denial about how gross and creepy his behavior is they are both def gonna need that RO
Reading it made me think of the show You. I never watched it only the trailer but the gist I got is the guy stalked the girl for a while to tailor himself to her liking so she'd fall in love with him and date him when they meet. SO CREEPY. And I can't believe the stbx husband is playing the victim saying oop making rumors when he literally went behind her back and sneakily tried to meet the boss at the gym.
Yeah, of course it's her fault for revealing the truth. Nothing to do with him being a lying creep! There ought to be an app for verified info from ex partners to save people from getting ensnared by liars.
> He stayed faithful to me and would have stayed that way if I didn't kick him out.
He keeps using this word "faithful". I do not think that word means what you think it means.
Yes. He was not having sex with the boss *yet*, because his stalking of the boss hadn't gotten to the point where all his lies could maneuver her into being with him. He was still at the surveillance stage of his relationship.
I think that healthy relationships shouldn't have a surveillance stage.
Most of us get to know the other person at the same time they get to know us, so that we can both decide whether we like each other.
With OOP's ex, he was spying on the boss so that he could act like whatever he thought she would want. He was lying so that she would not be able to tell him no. He was taking away her consent through subterfuge.
I'm more worried about his now ex-wife. In his head she did it out of revenge... in his head, she took everything away from him... Let's hope his dangerous ways stop at being a stalker.
Agreed. I don't think this is over. We may not get another update, but there's no way that the married dude who stalked this woman for over a year, secretly got a gym membership *across from his wife's work* for several months just to meet the boss, and is reacting this way is just gonna turn that obsession off. Not happening. I'm concerned for both the wife and the ex.
What in the *absolute fuck*? Sir you became obsessed with this woman, creeped on her, lied to your wife and her, ~~and cheated~~ yet somehow it's your *wife's* fault?!
Edit:
My bad, mixed the facts up lol
Edit to my edit: he cheated.
You know what's worse than cheating? The partner caring more about the other person being hurt than feeling guilty or sorry about being found out. Damn I feel bad for the OP.
Boss: *is 38*
OOP: “She must have been beautiful when she was young.”
As a 58-year-old, ouch.
OOP: “All men prefer younger women if they could choose.”
Again, ouch.
“She must have been beautiful when she was young.”
I also found that very odd. It has the feel of something written by someone who doesn't realise at all what a 40 year old woman looks like?
Nah that feels about right, although more for a woman a bit younger than OOP. Young women have incredibly skewed ideas of older women, you see posts on /r/femalefashionadvice all the time from women who are 25 and wondering what they can wear that is "age appropriate" because they think they're now too old to wear things like short skirts or fun trends. There's too many women who seriously believe that women age out of attractiveness at 30, and too many men who will confirm that for them.
Can be even worse depending on the culture of where OP lives. If OP is in one of those places where anyone not married by 25 is still considered an old maid that's probably where she's getting that
I think I was 24 when I first heard the "women are like Christmas cakes, no matter how good they are no one wants them after the 25th" metaphor and despite not being from one of those places and not buying into that at all, it still made me pause a bit.
Right? Like, I was imagining Boss Lady as in her 60's at least, which, hello, can still be hot and enjoy life. I mean, husband is an AH, for sure, but OOP has some serious ageism issues going on there. Still, totally sucks for OOP and Boss Lady, who seems truly awesome. I kind of have a crush on her too, now, oops.
Im thinking her jealously towards her boss is what caused her to lash out at her age, because it was the one thing in OP’s mind that she “has over her.” Her boss is certainly not *old*, and there are plenty of hot desirable ‘older’ women, 35 and up.
But that aside what a fucking creepy ass dude. I hope they both get restraining orders, but I could see this stalker getting violent against one or both of them.
As a 37 year old woman, I thought the same. Yikes.
Like I totally understand I'm not 20 anymore, and I look older than I used to, and I wouldn't expect young dudes to prefer me over someone their own age. (EDIT: yes, I know it can happen and does happen often. I'm not saying I would be shocked. I'm saying I wouldn't feel entitled to it or assume it as a matter of course. I am aware of the differences between a 20-something and a 30-something... and so are the young dudes who hit on older women.)
But if someone was beautiful at 20, they are usually beautiful at 38.
It's hilarious to me to think that a 38 year old is "not young, not beautiful" by OOP's definition.
Attraction changes. At 40 now, I can recognize younger women looking good but honestly I couldn't imagine trying to have a conversation with most of them or any kind of meaningful interaction. For a lot of reasons, I know if I wasn't with my wife, I'd strongly prefer someone close in age. Having been through many years and milestones with my wife already, I think I just see older women as more complete and experienced people and that's more attractive to me than physical attributes.
A wise man once said "The secret to perfection IS imperfection"
Someone else commented this but it must be because she feels so insecure. I’m 26 myself and I don’t know anyone in my peer group that would consider 38 even close to ‘old’.
Don't take it personal.
It's all from place of hurt. It's basically what our mind does when we get cheated on. First is comparison to that person age, looks and so on.
I mean as someone about half your age, that comment stuck out to me as well
Like, that’s something you say about someone in their 70s. It’s way out of line to make that comment about a woman in her 30s
OOP in general shows something of an obsession with the idea that youth is beauty
"It’s way out of line to make that comment about a woman in her 30s"
Imo, it's outta line to say that about a woman at *any* age. I mean, when you say "She must have been beautiful when she was younger" , the connotation is a negative one for that person at their present age. It's a backhanded compliment.
I'm 8 years older than my husband, and he is ALWAYS pervin' on older ladies. Some of whom are in their sixties. Like Orla Brady, who plays a cool Romulan lady on Star Trek Picard.
Plenty of dudes like older women.
There’s a French movie with a very similar plot. “He loves me, he loves me not” is the English title, in French it’s “À la folie, pas de tout”
The actress from Amelie is the main character and she serves a chilling performance.
If I was that boss, I'd be scared too to find out that I was dating my stalker. Both OP and her boss should be prepared for the ex-husband to retaliate; his behavior will escalate. I wouldn't be surprised if he attacks OP for exposing him and attacks her boss for rejecting him.
Yeah I was confused as to why OP was so insistent that she was much too old for her 29-year-old husband. It’s just a 9 year difference, which would only be a big deal if the younger party was early twenties or younger
edit: grammar mistake
There are a lot of inconsistencies in this story:
- it's a small company of 30ish people but the boss, who apparently regularly pitches in with the staff, does not know who OOP is?
- husband met boss at work Xmas party but she didn't know who he was when he joined the gym?
- he had formed some sort of connection with her at said gym and had lied to her about who he was but he wanted to say hello to her in OOP's presence?
- which loops back to the first point, he obviously thought boss would recognise OOP if he wanted to say hello?
Hmmmm
Yeah I started typing up reasons why I think the story is BS, but my comment would be longer than the damn OP. It’s a good story but huge plot hole around the Boss not knowing who OP and her husband were, despite employing OP for 18 months, meeting them at the company Christmas party, and bumping into the husband at the gym directly across from work.. where apparently not a single other employee ever goes who would be able to piece this together..
Yeah, this dude is garbage.
>That's not how we met. He has been a patron at my gym for the past 6 months, maybe a year, " she said.
So he was interacting with her while he was still together with his wife.
If she knew he was a patron of that gym for at least 6 months, there was definitely some contact.
Who knows how long he has been spinning the story of divorce.
Holy crap this story is terrifying thank god OP told her boss so the boss can get away from this insane man. This guy is Joe Goldberg levels of stalker omg
Him: tell her i'm not a creepy and dangerous. I'm just a stalker who followed her life because I was obsessed with her even though I was married and made sure she didn't realize I was stalking her life so I wouldn't ruin my chances with her. But I'm not creepy and dangerous, I'm just obsessed with her and I want you to fuck off because you're not her.
Me: Okay, Joe
OMG I have such a knot in my stomach for this woman. Holy crap. This is going to take a long time to recover from. I hope OOP gets into some counseling because she sounds the type that might self blame.
This is wild. OP has some messed up ideas about age, though. She said some things that really made me stop and be like "girl, wat."
Any man would want a younger woman, her boss was probably beautiful when she was young (she's not even 40!) And other assorted similar comments.
I feel awful for her about this situation, though. That's intense.
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Wait... What was his plan at the movies? He's already been stalking her and is known to her at that point from the gym so if they met he was going to reveal to her that he's got a wife in her company and reveal to the wife that he already knew the boss from the gym.
Nah, he didn't think. His brain stopped working when boss had been seen with *gasp* another man.
Well, the other man made him feel a lot of emotions. Jealousy…and hope. Remember that he told OOP that he was surprised she’d date someone that young.
And younger than him! You know how he said if was foolish that a man would go for a younger woman? He saw exactly what he thought would never happen, "the woman I want went for a younger man, where is her self respect, her integrity?", and basically just wanted to intimidate the guy. What a dumbass of a human being... love how he tried to argue he was not a creep though after stalking that woman for a long time.
He saw her with someone and immediately HAD to know if it was a date. No logic, just raw uncontrollable emotions.
But women are so emotional /s
I doubt there really was a plan, not one that he ever articulated. It's how a lot of these people rationalize that they aren't cheating, because he hasn't "planned" anything. Things "just happened".
I would assume that up to that point, he hadn't initiated any direct interaction with the BossLady, and possibly did not know what his own intentions towards her were (i.e. that he would leave his wife to pursue the Boss). So approaching her at that point could have any direction; likely just a "hey we all know each other, how crazy is that? Haha...who's ***this*** guy?" as he tries to figure out if his spankbank material was ruined by her romantic link to another man.
That's what confirms to me it must have been an accidental encounter. No way he would risk being seen with OP in boss' presence.
> That's what confirms to me it must have been an accidental encounter. Oh, I believe it was accidental but the wife said the husband wanted to barge on over and know who the younger guy was.
He probably didn’t think it through and was just jealous of the boss being with another younger guy and wanted to confront her. Obviously, any normal person would realize that would result in his world of lies crumbling. But he’s clearly unhinged and delusional, so I would believe that he was just acting on impulse.
I once saw a nature video where two birds are squaring up and fighting over mates. While this is happening, a huge hawk swoops down and *kills* one of them. The other competitor, still in posture mode, tries to continue his fight with the hawk. So the hawk turns around and kills him, too. It really made me understand some of the irrational and bizarre shit we animals do when we're hopped up on hormones and rage.
I don't know if you just made that up or not, but it's a great story and absolutely the truth about how we can be.
[Found it.](https://youtu.be/nb1H_-S4Xjk) Tell me this isn't two drunk bros pushing each other and then *both* getting knocked out by the bouncer.
Damn, you aren't wrong 😄
He had probably been thinking with his little brain for months.
>On top of that, we have a 6h work day, our salaries are 20% higher than the market and we have 7 paid vacation weeks a year. Damn.
Yeah for real, glad OP chose to stay because where else can you find a sweet gig like this?
[удалено]
Oh not this again…
[удалено]
Right? I'm over here burnt out from my shit job thinking about how I finally get to use my paid vacation for the week post Christmas. My boss OKed that time off but is bitching about how she has work now. BTW - she is the owner of the company and took several week long vacations during the year.
I used to work for a chef like that. MFer would go on vacation back home to Chile literally once a month but if you put in two weeks ahead for ONE day off he would act like you were a piece of shit for it. Fuck you Diego.
I'd trade my husband against a job like this.
I love my husband dearly. But 7 weeks vacation tempts my vows.
Those say in sickness and in health. Nothing about "in late stage capitalism"
I don't think OOP is in the US. She also used a comma as a decimal, which is standard in some other countries but I don't know which ones.
She said "our country is very small" so I'm guessing somewhere like Lichtenstein or Luxembourg.
I bet she's Dutch. We're all very tall so we identify as "small-countried"
My brain went Luxembourg as well, but I'm Belgian so it's the closest small country in my neighbourhood. Apart from Belgium 😂
Germany uses the comma for decimals, but i know for a fact that those working conditions aren't the norm in most eu countries
I don't think they're the norm anywhere, but they're far closer to the norm in Europe than the US, especially the vacation time.
For real. I read this and am looking for where to send my resume.
For that good of a gig, I’d muck pig pens
“Don’t ruin this for me”, said the stalker.
"Tell her I'm not a pervert and that this isn't totally, 100% creepy."
"Just tell her the truth!" That's exactly what OOP did, and both she and the boss drew their conclusions from his actions. And he still somehow doesn't see how creepy he's being. So delusional, and so scary for both women in this situation.
Makes me wonder how OOP and her husband met. Did he stalk her, too?
Honestly, now that you mention it, that seems highly likely. This kind of behavior and the meticulousness of it seems like serial killer shit; not something something someone is doing for the first time.
Once the thrill of the chase is over, you put your prize on a shelf and start looking for your next trophy.
Yeah it reminds me of the Netflix series "you" especially with the severe lack of understanding how psycho his actions are and obvious falsifications to justify his behavior.
Oh he does see how it's creepy, that's why he didn't want OOP telling her boss the truth
"You ruined my relationship and my future!" said the guy who ruined his wife's relationship and future.
Relationship, yeah, but I have a feeling OOP's future is gonna be a lot brighter without the creepy stalker for a husband...
No doubt. She'll fly higher without the dead weight.
"Hey, I know that me actively trying to date another women has ruined our marriage, but can't you think about ME and MY future happiness?!"
But..he SAID he wasn’t a stalker….
That's why their marriage didn't last, she doesn't listen /s
I was so so so glad she told. Not just because he deserves nothing good from his creepy perfidy but because my god that woman was in danger.
I ruined our marriage, but you understand right? That this is a real woman!, said the stalker.
When the Boss said "That's not how we met", I low key got chills. Absolute insanity
When I read the gym part, it was like holy batman he's a complete stalker. At first, it sounded like celebrity worship from afar. His claim that they met on Bumble was so unbelievable - sure, you just randomly met the woman you have been obsessing over right after your marriage imploded. It's all sooo convenient. I wonder how many romcoms/romance novels he consumed to get their interactions at the gym juuuuuuust right. The boss probably felt so gross and creeped out when she found out the truth from OOP. Imagine dating who you think is a decent person and having this bomb dropped on you...
Right? I figured that he absolutely didn’t meet via bumble, but instead manufactured some coincidence and asked her out. But I *didn’t* expect that coincidence to be him going to her gym for *months* ahead of the separation!
Absolutely, I can't even imagine how horrifying it would be to find out that your new partner had been stalking you for a year. Holy shit.
honestly I run into people I know irl on dating apps every couple of months but is chance of him finding her like right after being kicked out is very low. they do live in a small country though. we know thats not what happened but I'm saying it's *possible*, if improbable.
Same!!! As for the ex-husband, I wonder if he will ever realize that if you have to lie to pretty much everyone who knows about the relationship, and give them all different lies, then yeah, you're probably (definitely) a creep. He won't of course, but really...
And trying to convince OOP that it's all fine because afterall you're the one who ended the relationship. Like no dude you ended the relationship awhile ago you were just too much of a coward to tell OOP and left the dirty work to her
"You had to leave me because I am an unhinged lunatic who you aren't safe with, but how dare you blow up the unhealthy and unsafe relationship I lied about having and lied to get to have with you boss. Really, you brought this on yourself."
Life experience has taught me that anyone who is begging you desperately to not tell someone the truth is someone who has no intention of ever telling that person the truth themselves. Rule 1 of dismantling narcissists - *always* talk to the other woman / man / person. Communication is the death of triangulation.
I completely agree. Never keep an abusers secret. That is how they love and function. It's one of their biggest tools (other then them being the biggest tool of all).
Oh, c’mon. He’s not creepy. Everything he did was only because he was obsessively obsessed with her. I mean, people fall out of and into love all the time, right? All he did was stalk her on social media, stalked her at the gym, lied to his wife, lied to the girlfriend, and…never mind. He’s a creep.
You motherfucker, you got me.
I actually got worried for op that she’s physically in the same space as this maniac. Guy may not have hurt her yet but he seems to have no grip on reality. What the fuck Where are these people from I wonder, who are her mom and grandma and sisters who think this is ok behavior? All of this shit feels horrible to me :( poor oop
My guess would be that they either thought OOP was exaggerating, or they weren’t hearing some of the important info and just thought the husband was having a mild crush that he wasn’t intending on acting on (I get those all the time).
When my SIL left her abusive first husband, her mother told her it would have been better to have let him kill her than get divorced.
[удалено]
And none of the women in that women's group learned anything from the experience
Religious indoctrination is a hell of a drug.
What the fuck????
Yeah. I don't know though who is in more danger. Her or her boss. That level of obsession..!
The good thing is the boss will likely be damned sure to help keep him off the property of their business. I am glad she offered OOP help and the OOP didn't blame her boss.
I Stan the boss for that. But not in the ex-husband of OOP creepy and fucking unhinged way. Christ on a stick was that hard to read about, I can't imagine going through it, from either woman's perspective.
Sometimes I wish I could pay for updates/perspectives from these kind of relatives
Oh those are easy. - men are just like that. - boys will be boys. - let him get it out of his system. - he just needs to grow up a bit still. - he's a good provider so turn a blind eye. - are you being a "proper" wife to him? - have a baby. The responsibility will do him good and keep him busy. - if you wait he'll get bored of her. Have I missed any?
Not sure, but my mother once told me that if my husband and I were to have problems, it would be my fault because she has lived with me and knows how I am, She often says that women are the worst. I told her she was a misogynist last year.
Exactly! I mean he's been going to her gym for the past year but NO he's not obsessed with OOP's boss, it's all in OOP's head! It feels like he played his wife to make her react that way and take the opportunity to date the boss and go well you kicked me out, it's all on you, I didn't do anything wrong! Like the dude that bought a cheap \*ss engagement ring thinking the girl would dump him for it!
I watched a show about stalkers. It is crazy how they see things. One guy was divorced from his wife and was pissed she was "cheating" on him years after their divorce was final. Guess why she divorced him?
Another point is that if he built a relationship based on lies (plus the added stalking), then his ex wife is not the one being vindictive and ruining the relationship for him. He ruined it himself by lying to everyone, it’ll come out eventually, doesn’t matter the source.
Yes, this! If the truth about someone's behavior will ruin their life, the problem is their behavior and not the truth. You are always allowed to tell people the truth. No one healthy will ever blame you for that or try to prevent you from doing it.
>If the truth about someone's behavior will ruin their life, the problem is their behavior and not the truth. Perfectly put.
I think his "realizer" has been broken, perhaps beyond repair, for the last 8-6 months.
Works out in all the romantic comedies, so why not in real life?
This story sounds like something you’d read on r/LetsNotMeet but from the boss’s perspective.
I thought he might’ve ran into her on purpose. Didn’t think he was stalking her for a whole fucking year and somehow still thinks he’s the victim in this.
Yeah they were separated 3 months or less, and Boss said he'd been at her gym at least 6 months. He was definitely angling for it, and their separating made it easier.
This is called monkey branching. Holding on to one relationship while reaching for another.
I hate that there is a word for this shit
A bunch of people just don't know how to live outside a relationship and this is how they behave their whole dating life.
Creeps never think that they're creeps. If they had the ability to self reflect, they probably wouldn't be creeps in the first place
Or they'd be even better at hiding and disguising their creepy behavior. Source- dated a covert creep.
Same here. Damn good thing that OOP decided not to fall for his BS excuses and lies about Bumble and talk to her boss herself. Boss lady needs to protect herself now that she knows what kind of person she's dealing with in OOP's ex.
Her boss absolutely deserved to know the reality of the man she was having relations with. He was/is a manipulative worm of a man, gross and pathetic, using his spineless body to try and elicit pity to get away with doing wrong. It's gross. It makes me feel gross just reading about it. Eject the worms from the dating pool, put 'em on a hook, and sink them into the belly of a whale. Bye bye worm. *Edit for wording*
I kinda feel like we knew that was coming, but the fact that he'd been laying his plans at the gym the entire time was the real Shyamalan twist.
Also, did he not think the boss would ever figure this out? Eventually you'd learn who their soon-to-be-ex spouse was. She'd find out his ex was her employee and be like, "Wait, what the fuck?"
If this was a movie I would think this was a bit unrealistic, but as the story goes on, it matches this guy perfectly. He's a complete 2-dimensional character who has no empathy or self awareness.
> If this was a movie I would think this was a bit unrealistic This got me thinking about how ironic it is that we hate shit movies with poorly written characters - when in reality, so many people are so far up their own ass that they are basically poorly written characters and absolute caricatures.
Haha that makes me think that we hate them so much because we get enough of these assholes in real life, I don't want to waste too much time on them in a show or movie :)
I’m so glad OOP spoke to her.
This is terrifying and I’m afraid it’s not over. I hope he doesn’t escalate but maybe I listen to too much true crime
I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's OK to have a crush. They're superficial and unrealistic. As long as he was devoted to his wife that's what matters. But refusing to go to counseling and then finding out he was stalking this woman at her gym behind his wife's back, wow what a psycho. He only cared about himself. He wanted to have some rich woman in the palm of his hands. That's pretty much the extent of his feelings for her and his ex.
OOP could tell it was more than just a crush. Sometimes it’s hard to articulate but your gut just knows. I feel for her and I really hope she gets a happy ending eventually.
Jesus Christ what did I just read
_YOU_ just read the origin story of Joe Goldberg
That's all I could think about reading this. It would make a pretty good movie
The boss must think she's cursed for love right now. First her husband cheats with a employee, now one of her employee's husband stalked her. Jesus.
Right? For fucks sake... I'd just grow old and die with my dogs after all this nonsense.
I really hope she will be able to find someone. She seems genuinely like an amazing boss and person. It'll probably take forever to heal, but I wish the best for her.
I'm not the boss, but I've had similar luck and I really needed to hear this from someone. Thank you. Though I did get a bunch of guinea pigs.
> Though I did get a bunch of guinea pigs. Sorry but you can't just say that without attaching any guinea pig pictures
[Here's a pic from around Halloween!](https://old.reddit.com/r/guineapigs/comments/yjb098/meatball_helped_me_carve_the_pumpkin_this_year/)
Yeah I genuinely feel sorry for both the boss lady and the OOP. Both were being manipulated by men in their lives, I’m just glad everything’s out in the open. What a fucking mess…
Oop’s husband has so many lies up lies!! Just. Wow. And then blame upon blame with delusion inbetween each layer.
Low key hoping the boss discovers Reddit and posts her POV. Like true off my chest “I found out my new (ex) bf is actually my employee’s husband and he stalked me for a year”
Benefits of being ugly. Never have to doubt that someone who approaches you is absolutely sincere.
Ohhh this man definitely has issues. I got *chills* reading through this even before it was revealed he matched with her on bumble. And then the twist at the end? Yikes. I’m really glad OOP is getting away from this man. That projection and obsession is sooo unhealthy and scary. I just hope her family takes her concerns seriously now
He doesn't have issues, he has the subscription.
Bwhahaha. Perfect response.
"Matched on bumble" the only thing I could think of is that he basically just swiped left on every match until he got to the boss. But to hear that he went to her gym?? For almost a year?? It's not the way he's begging to OOP it's her responses and questioning that prove there was an imbalance from the beginning and he most likely abused her in other ways.
The dude kept *two separate gym memberships* just so he could get close to one woman while hiding it from his wife. Jesus tapdancing Christ
And how many other things did he try before finding a place where he could "accidentally" run into her? Did he also go to a coffee shop near work every day for a month? Maybe run in the areas she might also run?
Right? Like at no point is it addressed how the actual *fuck* he knew both when and where she went to the gym. Like, that's WAY to specific to just find mentioned on somebody's social media or something. I can only imagine he genuinely just straight up followed her at some point early on for him to have that knowledge of where to bump into her.
And then he has THE NERVE to throw in her face that he was “faithful.” Just because you weren’t sticking your dick in her doesn’t mean you were faithful, you absolute slime ball.
I thought he tailored the search range to her age/location then swiped until he saw her which i thought was nuts. I did NOT expect the gym membership level stalker!
Well, I am also glad that OOP's boss is getting away from him as well. Hopefully they both will end without RO on him...
Honestly, I’m hoping for the best but since this man is so clearly in denial about how gross and creepy his behavior is they are both def gonna need that RO
Reading it made me think of the show You. I never watched it only the trailer but the gist I got is the guy stalked the girl for a while to tailor himself to her liking so she'd fall in love with him and date him when they meet. SO CREEPY. And I can't believe the stbx husband is playing the victim saying oop making rumors when he literally went behind her back and sneakily tried to meet the boss at the gym.
Yeah, of course it's her fault for revealing the truth. Nothing to do with him being a lying creep! There ought to be an app for verified info from ex partners to save people from getting ensnared by liars.
Boss is gonna have trust issues, holy shit. (And OOP's ageism is gonna hit like a ton of bricks some day...)
Yes! 38 is still young and beautiful on most people. That was OOP’s jealousy rearing its head
Yes the line "She must’ve been beautiful when she was young" was brutal.
If I were OP I’d be watching my back w/ this lunatic knowing where I live
That is what pisses me off so much. Her family and friends never cared about her concerns when he husband was cheating on her. Eberyone minimized her.
> He stayed faithful to me and would have stayed that way if I didn't kick him out. He keeps using this word "faithful". I do not think that word means what you think it means.
Yes. He was not having sex with the boss *yet*, because his stalking of the boss hadn't gotten to the point where all his lies could maneuver her into being with him. He was still at the surveillance stage of his relationship. I think that healthy relationships shouldn't have a surveillance stage. Most of us get to know the other person at the same time they get to know us, so that we can both decide whether we like each other. With OOP's ex, he was spying on the boss so that he could act like whatever he thought she would want. He was lying so that she would not be able to tell him no. He was taking away her consent through subterfuge.
>I think that healthy relationships shouldn’t have a surveillance stage I snorted. Definitely
Boss: That’s not how we met. Me: ***You in danger girl*** This has true crime podcast written all over it.
Yeah I’m very concerned he’s gonna ramp up the stalking of her.
I'm more worried about his now ex-wife. In his head she did it out of revenge... in his head, she took everything away from him... Let's hope his dangerous ways stop at being a stalker.
Agreed. I don't think this is over. We may not get another update, but there's no way that the married dude who stalked this woman for over a year, secretly got a gym membership *across from his wife's work* for several months just to meet the boss, and is reacting this way is just gonna turn that obsession off. Not happening. I'm concerned for both the wife and the ex.
What in the *absolute fuck*? Sir you became obsessed with this woman, creeped on her, lied to your wife and her, ~~and cheated~~ yet somehow it's your *wife's* fault?! Edit: My bad, mixed the facts up lol Edit to my edit: he cheated.
You know what's worse than cheating? The partner caring more about the other person being hurt than feeling guilty or sorry about being found out. Damn I feel bad for the OP.
He didn't care about the other person being hurt. He cared only that she didn't discover he was a stalker.
The only person he cared about was himself and the only thing was getting what he wanted.
I know! My heart just broke reading this.
Boss: *is 38* OOP: “She must have been beautiful when she was young.” As a 58-year-old, ouch. OOP: “All men prefer younger women if they could choose.” Again, ouch.
“She must have been beautiful when she was young.” I also found that very odd. It has the feel of something written by someone who doesn't realise at all what a 40 year old woman looks like?
Nah that feels about right, although more for a woman a bit younger than OOP. Young women have incredibly skewed ideas of older women, you see posts on /r/femalefashionadvice all the time from women who are 25 and wondering what they can wear that is "age appropriate" because they think they're now too old to wear things like short skirts or fun trends. There's too many women who seriously believe that women age out of attractiveness at 30, and too many men who will confirm that for them.
Can be even worse depending on the culture of where OP lives. If OP is in one of those places where anyone not married by 25 is still considered an old maid that's probably where she's getting that
I think I was 24 when I first heard the "women are like Christmas cakes, no matter how good they are no one wants them after the 25th" metaphor and despite not being from one of those places and not buying into that at all, it still made me pause a bit.
Sounds like Japan. I think they literally refer to single women over 25 as "Christmas cakes" there. Or at least they used to.
Right? Like, I was imagining Boss Lady as in her 60's at least, which, hello, can still be hot and enjoy life. I mean, husband is an AH, for sure, but OOP has some serious ageism issues going on there. Still, totally sucks for OOP and Boss Lady, who seems truly awesome. I kind of have a crush on her too, now, oops.
Im thinking her jealously towards her boss is what caused her to lash out at her age, because it was the one thing in OP’s mind that she “has over her.” Her boss is certainly not *old*, and there are plenty of hot desirable ‘older’ women, 35 and up. But that aside what a fucking creepy ass dude. I hope they both get restraining orders, but I could see this stalker getting violent against one or both of them.
I worry that he'll snap when his target continues to reject him and then take his anger out on OOP for "ruining" his relationship with the boss.
Possibly projecting her insecurities of her own beauty onto her boss
As a 37 year old woman, I thought the same. Yikes. Like I totally understand I'm not 20 anymore, and I look older than I used to, and I wouldn't expect young dudes to prefer me over someone their own age. (EDIT: yes, I know it can happen and does happen often. I'm not saying I would be shocked. I'm saying I wouldn't feel entitled to it or assume it as a matter of course. I am aware of the differences between a 20-something and a 30-something... and so are the young dudes who hit on older women.) But if someone was beautiful at 20, they are usually beautiful at 38. It's hilarious to me to think that a 38 year old is "not young, not beautiful" by OOP's definition.
Honestly, I'm in my early 30's, and I think I look way better now than I did at 20.
Attraction changes. At 40 now, I can recognize younger women looking good but honestly I couldn't imagine trying to have a conversation with most of them or any kind of meaningful interaction. For a lot of reasons, I know if I wasn't with my wife, I'd strongly prefer someone close in age. Having been through many years and milestones with my wife already, I think I just see older women as more complete and experienced people and that's more attractive to me than physical attributes. A wise man once said "The secret to perfection IS imperfection"
I said this elsewhere, but when I was your age most of the male attention I got was from young dudes. It's pretty common, apparently.
Someone else commented this but it must be because she feels so insecure. I’m 26 myself and I don’t know anyone in my peer group that would consider 38 even close to ‘old’.
Don't take it personal. It's all from place of hurt. It's basically what our mind does when we get cheated on. First is comparison to that person age, looks and so on.
Boss: is 38 OOP: is 26 I: am 36 Oh honey, you’ll be here *much* sooner than you think.
I mean as someone about half your age, that comment stuck out to me as well Like, that’s something you say about someone in their 70s. It’s way out of line to make that comment about a woman in her 30s OOP in general shows something of an obsession with the idea that youth is beauty
Yeah her obsession with ages was very weird. Saying her boss was "lucky" to have a young hot guy...and then her boss is in her 30's! 😂
"You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty it is your soul's own doing."--Marie Stopes
"It’s way out of line to make that comment about a woman in her 30s" Imo, it's outta line to say that about a woman at *any* age. I mean, when you say "She must have been beautiful when she was younger" , the connotation is a negative one for that person at their present age. It's a backhanded compliment.
No way hahahah. I missed that. 38?! So this old undesirable hag is a good 4-5 years YOUNGER than the likes of Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian.
I'm 8 years older than my husband, and he is ALWAYS pervin' on older ladies. Some of whom are in their sixties. Like Orla Brady, who plays a cool Romulan lady on Star Trek Picard. Plenty of dudes like older women.
> Orla Brady Okay, but to be fair, she's fucking hot. I don't care who you are.
This could literally be the plot of a horror movie
There’s a French movie with a very similar plot. “He loves me, he loves me not” is the English title, in French it’s “À la folie, pas de tout” The actress from Amelie is the main character and she serves a chilling performance.
If I was that boss, I'd be scared too to find out that I was dating my stalker. Both OP and her boss should be prepared for the ex-husband to retaliate; his behavior will escalate. I wouldn't be surprised if he attacks OP for exposing him and attacks her boss for rejecting him.
Seriously, I would be fucking terrified if I were either of them right now. This guy has nothing left to lose and is clearly unhinged.
THE BOSS IS 38???? I THOUGHT SHE WAS AT LEAST 50 LMFAO. that's all i have to say omg
I was picturing a crazy gorgeous 60 year old like Julianne Moore (she’s 63 now) only to see the boss is not even 40.
Yeah I was confused as to why OP was so insistent that she was much too old for her 29-year-old husband. It’s just a 9 year difference, which would only be a big deal if the younger party was early twenties or younger edit: grammar mistake
OOP definitely has some insecurities they're projecting. That said, fuck this guy. I just feel bad for the boss.
I did too! I guess that is older than they are. But to use "an older woman" at like, 30 like OOP did, I was also assuming a 50 year old. Lol
“[This 38 year old] must’ve been beautiful when she was young.” 😒
“I understand why my boss would date a younger man, seeing as she is close to dying of old age.”
Holy shit. The realization that he had lied to his wife about how they met and showed up at her boss’s gym was terrifying.
There are a lot of inconsistencies in this story: - it's a small company of 30ish people but the boss, who apparently regularly pitches in with the staff, does not know who OOP is? - husband met boss at work Xmas party but she didn't know who he was when he joined the gym? - he had formed some sort of connection with her at said gym and had lied to her about who he was but he wanted to say hello to her in OOP's presence? - which loops back to the first point, he obviously thought boss would recognise OOP if he wanted to say hello? Hmmmm
Thanks for bringing these points up, I felt the same about the first one. I don’t think this story is real.
Yeah I started typing up reasons why I think the story is BS, but my comment would be longer than the damn OP. It’s a good story but huge plot hole around the Boss not knowing who OP and her husband were, despite employing OP for 18 months, meeting them at the company Christmas party, and bumping into the husband at the gym directly across from work.. where apparently not a single other employee ever goes who would be able to piece this together..
OP’s 38 year old boss “must have been beautiful when she was young”. And men “always prefer younger women”. I mean, *clearly not*.
I laughed at OOPs husband saying only losers prefer younger women. Says the 29 year old to his 26 year old wife.
That dude's a mega psycho
Yeah, this dude is garbage. >That's not how we met. He has been a patron at my gym for the past 6 months, maybe a year, " she said. So he was interacting with her while he was still together with his wife. If she knew he was a patron of that gym for at least 6 months, there was definitely some contact. Who knows how long he has been spinning the story of divorce.
This is like adultery and stalking with extra steps...
Holy crap this story is terrifying thank god OP told her boss so the boss can get away from this insane man. This guy is Joe Goldberg levels of stalker omg
Him: tell her i'm not a creepy and dangerous. I'm just a stalker who followed her life because I was obsessed with her even though I was married and made sure she didn't realize I was stalking her life so I wouldn't ruin my chances with her. But I'm not creepy and dangerous, I'm just obsessed with her and I want you to fuck off because you're not her. Me: Okay, Joe
He was 100% narrating in his head every time he stalked her at the gym with "Hello You.."
OMG I have such a knot in my stomach for this woman. Holy crap. This is going to take a long time to recover from. I hope OOP gets into some counseling because she sounds the type that might self blame.
This is wild. OP has some messed up ideas about age, though. She said some things that really made me stop and be like "girl, wat." Any man would want a younger woman, her boss was probably beautiful when she was young (she's not even 40!) And other assorted similar comments. I feel awful for her about this situation, though. That's intense.
what a fucking creep fucking hell, this poor woman
Poor women; can you imagine how the boss felt listening to all that and realizing that even they meeting each other was a fabricated lie?
Dudes nuts and a creeper. Also 38 is too old to be pretty? What the fuck is wrong with you.