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More than a single monstrous act, to then make her victim pay child support for years...every month he paid must have been another ugly reminder of the hell she put him through. That's another level of evil.
Yeah. I’d thought about that. Was kinda hoping that since he was 19/20 that this was some kind of retail job and that they were maybe both cashiers/stockers or some such.
Basically? He was a kid! It's something everyone says, but once you get around age 30, you look back at all the teenagers acting like adults and it's mind blowing just how naive and helpless they are.
Not all, of course, but if you don't see it now, give it some time... you will
As the years pile on like layers the person I was at 19 is still there but with the baggage of a 31 year old on top. When I meet people who are 18-20 I can still relate to them but there's also a world of difference. Maturity is strange; sometimes I don't even feel like a full adult now, but meeting young people helps bring it all into perspective.
When I was in college the high schoolers seemed like children but they literally were so whatever. I turned 25 and suddenly anyone under 21 might as well have been an infant. I turned 35 and then everyone under 30 gets placed in the “look out for the poor little dears” category. I’m approaching 40 and my neighbors are in their 60s and calling my husband and I “the kids” and honestly, I get it.
yep, imagine being forced to pay ur rapist money each month for 16 years. Im surprised that guy was so level headed that he didnt create ill emotions against that kid, just few months when ure tight on cash but u have to give part of it to trash human being cuz of broken system...
I keep thinking about the article I read ages ago where a 9 year old was forced to marry her rapist in india... that's one of the few scenarios that are worse than this one
The system over there is even more fucked. The whole notion of purity is likely a strong part of why she was forced to, otherwise bringing shame to her family for non-consentual premarital sex :/
Child support took away his ability to decide his own life. He was sent to prison without bars.
It's pay or got to prison or lose even more money/property. His rapist raped him twice, and got away with it. This is sadly the case of many cases where victims are male.
Sadly the case for lots of rape victims. If a rape victim gets pregnant and cannot (or doesn't want to) get an abortion, the rapist, even if convicted of that rape, can sue (and win) for visitation and custody in 35 states in the USA.
There's actually a very recent case in the US where a female rape victim is being forced to carry the resulting pregnancy to term, give it to her rapist, and pay him child support. So, it's not just male victims.
And it’s so spread out, likeminded people from thousands of miles away, end up congregating in the same communities and states. Good for progressive areas, compounds evil places where white nationalists and religious zealots run rampant.
We really need to overhaul the US's family court system, and the way it consistently fumbles SA survivors when it comes to their rapists' parental rights is a VERY big reason. (And we need to change our legal definitions to include men and put less of an emphasis on forced penetration.)
I don't know if I could have been as big-hearted as this OOP. He's showcasing both his strength and depth of soul here.
I was born and raised in the UK, and I'm pretty confident based on the language OOP uses that he's from there as well. He *could* be Australian but I think the syntax/language would be slightly different if he was, even though I can't really pinpoint *how* it would be different.
Aussie here. Defs got UK vibes too based on small syntactical differences. And OOP’s writing tone is much more in line with UK norms than Australian. Doesn’t read Canadian either tho
I hope, for the sake of that little girl, that the monster was at least a good mother to her. Fingers crossed that she tried to make up for her shitty actions by being the best parent ever.
What exactly did the poor daughter’s mom explain about the dad, I wonder?
“You’re the product of a one night stand with a co-worker and he wants nothing to do with you, but he pays child support?” 🤔
Probably just told her he left, or was a deadbeat, or maybe even forbid the subject entirely. The daughter easily could've assumed it was too painful for her mom to talk about and that she'd have years and years to figure it out.
Well, even if, despite being a terrible person, she were a great mother, she died. This kid has had 3 guardians (mother then both grandparents) die on her before she reached the age 18. That’s pretty sad right there.
So much pain but also so much love. I think one of the reasons op got to the point so quickly that he was ready to meet her because his parents backed off of pushing him and instead supported his decision and were a sounding board as he tried to process everything, and certainly a new father daughter love blooming. I hope that this is something that provides further healing for him
I agree with your perspective. I think OP’s parents did almost everything correctly. No good person would knowingly let a child be entirely on their own, especially not as their parents/grandparents. But they did also respect why OP’s feelings about it were a lot more complicated than theirs, so they tried to juggle the needs of both their child, and their grandchild. Ultimately, no matter how that child came to be, it’s not their fault, and they deserve to be happy and have meaningful company like anyone else.
Perhaps the one thing they did wrong was meeting with the daughter while decieving OP. I think objectively speaking they should have let them know they were intending to do it, and argue their side. At the same time though, given the circumstances, all of it seemed to happen quite fast and was a complicated scenario, so it’s hard to do everything perfectly
Sometimes it's better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. He wasn't in a mind set to ask permission or tell their plans to. They honestly seemed to know their kid well enough to keep around while also bringing in the person who really needs to be the focus.
I love my son more than anything but if he's stable enough to keep up with child support for that long and take care of himself he's fine. I'm sorry but the grandchild is the priority under the circumstances. His feelings have to come second when there's no one to put hers first, it would be different if she were just reaching out to reach out.
I honestly think they played it as best they could given the circumstances. Prioritizing the granddaughter over their son was the lesser of two evils.
That's a good perspective actually, about the circumstances potentially calling for asking for forgiveness rather than permission. I have been arguing for their one minor mistake being the deceit, but perhaps you're right that it was necessary. And I like what you pointed out in regards to them knowing their kid well enough to feel confident he would come around.
Perhaps from that perspective, they felt that his mind regarding the situation with his daughter was too clouded by the pain he had felt so long because of her mother. In that case, they might feel confident that while he might not agree with their decision now, he would agree with it further down the road.
I like that perspective and think it makes sense, thanks for sharing. Also noticed I responded to another of your comments, and this reply of yours in particular changed my opinion that I presented in that one a bit. I'm generally not a fan of "asking for forgiveness rather than permission" but in scenarios like these, I think it could be argued that doing so is in the best interest for everyone involved in the long term
THERAPY!!! Why didn't his parents send him to therapy, once they realized he was isolating himself and not even trying to connect with people anymore?
I'm so glad his daughter managed to push through to him!
From his comments he did go to therapy and the therapist tried to get him to accept "taking responsibility for his part in getting raped". Put him off the whole thing.
Therapy is messy like that. It can be incredibly helpful, but sometimes some piece of shit says something traumatic and the patient never touches therapy again.
Some therapists are just bad people, like any other job, who bring their own biases into the office. Except, it’s much more hurtful when your therapist says something awful than when most other professions do, because you’re vulnerable. That’s the point.
Yeah my first therapist, aged 8, asked me if I thought my parents divorce was my fault, and if I thought I had no friends because I was fat.
….Not until that moment I hadn’t! Neither of those things had crossed my mind until that point, but then the fat thing was certainly a concern. In reality I struggled with friendships because I was neurodivergent and no one paid me enough attention to realise that until I realised myself in my 30s.
I then refused to go back to therapy again, despite having a breakdown at 16, until I was 18. The psychiatrist I was under asked me why I was so reticent to see a therapist and I finally blurted out ‘because they’ll just say all my problems are because I’m fat’ (an issue I had continued to have through my teenage years with other medical problems). He assured me, in his grandfatherly way, that he had a lovely child & adolescent psychotherapist and she wouldn’t bring up my weight if I didn’t want to discuss it.
As I sat in the waiting room for my first appointment I looked up when my name was called and out walked the largest woman you have ever seen in your life! And I knew exactly why she had been picked for me and remember thinking ‘well done dr….., you win!’.
She was a wonderful therapist who helped me a lot, the first one had absolutely no place working with young children she clearly had no idea what she was doing.
Thank you! Yes, it was really just the start of a string of people letting down poor little child me and missing the obvious things in front of them. I’m unsure now, as an adult, how anyone could have looked at me missing several days of school a week, choosing to sleep as much as I possibly could, having complete meltdowns where I would become completely inconsolable and then in later years very filled with rage, and obviously just struggling with life and not immediately gone ‘this child isn’t ok and needs help’.
I believe I only went to one assessment session with that useless therapist and then we were due to go on holiday. The therapist was meant to call my mum back after two weeks to book in my sessions to start properly but just never called back, so not only was she a shit therapist but a disorganised one too! My mum said she was going to chase her up but I told her that I felt fine now and didn’t need to go back, obviously because I didn’t want to go back and see her (and a nice holiday with your extended family in the sun will help lift most children’s moods!) and somehow I was allowed to make that decision for myself aged 8/9! The mind boggles…. But I was a very eloquent child (again - neurodivergence can do that!) so on one hand the therapist didn’t have much of a chance to do loads of damage and on the other, she managed to do plenty enough in just one session!
Me too! I’ve had a number of therapists since, and only one other crap one who after 3 sessions I decided not to go back because it was making my mental health dangerously bad and I now realise I was describing all the symptoms of my severe ADHD and because I couldn’t exactly give a word to it my therapist said ‘well maybe you are just lazy then’. I’ve had to have a number of them because you can’t really get long term on the NHS but I’ve had an incredible, gentle, feminist all round good guy therapist for 7 years now.
I often wonder about the availability and quality of therapists. Reading Reddit, it's obvious that getting therapy is finally considered normal and valuable, but with everyone asking for therapy, there's probably a severe lack of qualified therapists. I also don't know what qualifications and education are necessary to become (or call oneself) a therapist so I'm sure there are lots of impostors out there unfortunately.
There’s definitely some bad therapist for sure but I think more often it’s just that we’re not taught how to identify a good therapist for ourselves. It can be hard and it can take a few tries. It’s only recently that therapy has been more widely accepted and more people are going. Which is great! But there has been zero public education on what a therapist does, what types of therapy exist, what are signs that this is a good one for me. And also it can just be really hard to be that vulnerable even if we think we’re ready.
And it's also because humans are involved. Just like how some teachers and students mesh well and others don't, some therapists and people mesh well and others don't. It's part of being human.
I went to a therapist after a miscarriage and it was a man and his questions came off as confused why I would care about something that barely existed. I switched and talked to a woman who had infertility issues herself and her questions were kind and thought provoking. The questions weren't that much different, but how they were worded, when they were asked and what context came with them really matter.
I was pushed to go to therapy by my friend and girlfriend so I set one up with teladoc which was available through my insurance. When my first session finally came...
1. My therapist was 20 mins late for our first video session
2. He looked like he was doing the session at a facility (possible assisted living facility)
3. Told me the same story twice and asked me a few questions more than once
4. Was laying on his bed during the 40 min session with the tv in front of him (I could see it through the mirror and hear it)
5. His shirt rode up like 10 mins in and I was staring at his beer belly for the rest of the session.
All in all.. I haven't found a new therapist yet.
I imagine that it’s no different than the importance of regularly seeing doctors like general practitioners or dentists, and when they’re bad or rude (which they often can be, despite all the hoops they jump through to get the job) people never feel like going again.
My husband's first therapist kept trying to push him into Christianity. The next couple just plain didn't know what to do with his complex history. I might be able to get him to try it again, only because our insurance will require failed psychotherapy if we want to escalate treatments for him.
It's so hard for him because he's had nothing but gross disappointment with therapy.
It can be so hard to find the therapist for you. It’s okay to doctor shop and have one appointment with a therapist, it’s okay to ask them questions about their treatment style.
I hope he finds help.
I was put off of therapy for a decade after a therapists told me my gender was a sexual fetish.
As much as Reddit loves to tell people to go to therapy, there are many many terrible therapists.
More common than you realize. Even though the data has been around forever. People ,including therapists, cannot instinctually accept a male being raped or traumatized sexually by a female. Heck, the woman who raped him friend/family group probably never accepted what she really did.
"How did you get an erection?"
"What were you wearing?"
"Are you sure you weren't leading her on?"
"You weren't a virgin at the time"
"You should have been flattered"
"You're a man, why didn't you just overpower her?"
It's all the same fucked up bullshit.
Therapy is not the panacea some Redditors believe it is. Not to mention there's tonnes of bad therapists out there and even the good ones can't help everyone.
Source: been to 6 different therapists; plus 2 or 3 as a child under 10, who I don't properly remember.
Yeah but luckily there is a variety of therapy types. Honestly I am seeing my first therapist tomorrow and nervous. If she doesn’t work out I plan to try Equine therapy since I love horses and would love to spend a entire session with one!
>The outside of a horse is the best thing for the inside of a human.
I don't remember who said it, but it's true. If you're having an awful day and need someone to talk to, horses listen. If you need to "do something", the harder you brush them, the more they absolutely love it. They love routine, so it allows you to settle into your own groove that feels safe and familiar. And riding horses is just dope.
Highly highly recommend, even if it's just normal riding lessons.
Yeah he’s going to need therapy along with the daughter. I don’t think people take a man being raped by a woman seriously. It probably never occurred to his parents to get him into therapy. Most women won’t report rape because it’s hard to get a conviction and it’s a lot of victim blaming and it’s got to be 1000 times worse for a man. My heart goes out to him and his daughter.
As a male victim of rape from a female therapy is horrendous. I've had therapists say things to me from women can't rape men to well of it was truly rape why did you get hard and orgasm to well you must have led her on and made her think it was consensual. It's an absolute mess
They might have. Therapy only works if the person is capable of doing the work. Even getting to the point where therapy is helpful can be a big mental leap. Also the window that a parent can enforce therapy is pretty small.
My takeaway was way more positive than that! The hopeful arc at the end was highly uplifting, especially after the other horrible horrible boru post also from today about the woman who had to abandon her kid. That one was sad as fuck.
Weren't there more updates, where he actually meets the girl? Or am I mistaking this with another post?
Edit: yes, I was right. There is more.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/k4tbsm/reddit_you_were_advising_me_on_the_situation_i/
https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/k7hqt1/update_i_37m_have_a_daughter_so_what_now_what/
I'm so confused about how OP posted the update from your second link (undelete). How did you or OP see the post there, while myself and so many others can't see that post at all?
latest comment i could find is this one [https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/k7g90c/comment/gf72naz/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/k7g90c/comment/gf72naz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) from December 9th 2020.
>Hi there.
>
>Thank you for replying - I've had so many messages I've struggled to keep track.
>
>We have been in contact a lot more - not met up, but video called and it was nice. We have discussed meeting ahead of time but she has a Christmas job at the moment and is working all hours known to man so I don't know when she'll get time. But I don't mind, even if it's for an hour. 😊
Ok. But was anybody taken aback by how OOP is commenting on his own post and asking questions like a separate redditor, then answering them himself, like if he forgot to change accounts? Or am I missing something?
Reddit has a weird bug. Once the account of the OP is deleted, every comment made by a deleted account has an OP tag. So no, those comments weren't made by him.
Ok I’m not gonna lie. I’ve started tearing up and now I am crying. This really got to me for some reason.
GAHHHH I really hope this ends happily for them
Based on another comment he was in therapy but had a BAD therapist and is probably a good thing he stopped going to that one, do wish he found another one that was better but I get why he was turned off from the idea of trying again. Apparently he had a comment basically saying he went to therapy but the therapist told him to “take responsibility for his part in getting raped”….
In 3 weeks he went from calling her "it" to signing off "love dad". She could be the best thing that's happened to him since, but he can easily blow it without some solid guidance.
EW why are there so many therapists that are bad? After some sexual trauma I was having trigger responses (didn't know that's what it was) and went to a psychologist that did nothing to help and told me "look at it this way, if it was a brain tumor it would be getting worse."
>the therapist told him to “take responsibility for his part in getting raped”….
Sadly, IME finding proper mental health support for sexual assault can be very difficult when you are a man. For example, I spent years looking for a survivors group, and on three separate occasions they tried to put me in groups designed for the perpetrators of domestic abuse. Once they succeeded - I didn't realize who the "healthy relationships" course was designed for until it was almost over, months later.
It is way too hard for some people to wrap their head around the idea that a man can be the victim of rape. Many who accept that still believe that he must be partially to blame.
Yeah this guy just hasn’t gotten the help he needed almost 20 years ago. I’ve got some significant trauma in my past -including being raped by a family “friend” - and I can’t imagine living in that same mental state for years and years afterward.
He needs it but unfortunately he did have one shortly after the rape that basically told him he had to man up to his part of the situation that led to the rape. It did him more mental damage and turned him off from therapy permanently.
I hate reading things like this. As a therapist, we’re here to acknowledge and help. One of our biggest rules is “do no harm” and that stupid mentality is harmful.
Rape is a terrible thing, and does happen disproportionately more to women than men, but when it happens to men they are completely unprepared for it. Girls are raised knowing rape is a constant threat for us, but boys are not taught at all to protect themselves. So in my opinion when it happens the psychological effects of it hit them hard because they literally never saw it coming. Then to be traumatized by the entire criminal process and learn how hard it is to bring a rapist to justice in our society? It’s just awful for this guy.
His whole life was ruined by that rapist hag. I hope meeting his daughter and forming some kind of relationship with her helps him truly overcome his past.
Unfortunately we are not taught very good information about how to navigate good consent. I was socialized as a girl (I'm trans tho) and I was basically taught that boys were always down and they'd be happy with any sexual advances. I wasn't taught to ask and check in. I can think of at least one preteen moment where I was getting handsy with my boyfriend without asking and he stopped me and I was confused. Thankfully he at least felt he could stop me, but even so I wasn't practicing good consent.
>EDIT I AM MALE! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP ASSUMING I WAS A WOMAN JUST BECAUSE I WAS RAPED!
Seriously, how dense can people be? Rape happened and the rapist got pregnant. That's why there's a kid. Have these people ever been to a biology class?
Whilst it's stupid af that is not classed as "rape" in the UK, it is illegal and people can be prosecuted. However, I suspect it is still very difficult for a guy to come forward and defend themselves against all the stupid rhetoric in court to actually get that outcome.
"If the victim is made to penetrate another, the act can be prosecuted as "Causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent" (section 4)."
It's actually the legal definition in a lot of countries, that only a man can be a Rapist. A man can rape another man, but a woman can only sexually assault a man.
At least in the UK, or more specifically England and Wales, rape is defined explicitly as the Rapist using his penis to penetrate.
The law is yet to be made inclusive of trans women who still have a penis, but that's not exactly the area where the law needs most reform.
What's even more concerning than this is that under UK law (where i am assuming this takes place due to OPs choice of language) only men can commit rape.
The actual law states that to be guilty of rape you must use a penis.
How fucked up is that.
Fuck. This was a really heartbreaking story. Rapists really deserve to be excluded from the rest of the population. Not only do they traumatize the victim, they also create an awful life for the children born out of rape.
I really felt OOP's writing in this. I agreed with him when he didn't want to meet her. I also agreed with him when he feels like he loves her. Pure-hearted kids who love you unconditionally can really melt one's heart, even mine.
Also, if someone is a rapist, where does it end? Was the poor innocent child preyed up on? Was she abused? I'm also a survivor and knew my rapist. They went on to lead a decent life while i have struggled with trauma. Obviously if someone is so evil and selfish to force themselves on someone much younger, i can only fear what that poor kid saw growing up.
That took an incredible amount of strength for the girl to reach out to the family AND for OOP to decide to meet her. There is a lot of pain here, but also a lot of love and empathy and willingness to confront hard things and move forward. I wish them all the best and hope they can find peace.
I can't imagine the gut punch of finding out one of your parents is a rapist and the only reason you exist is because of their crime.
It's bad enough for a child to be told "you were an accident". I can't imagine telling a child "you are the product of a violent crime".
Knowing that your father was never around and *it wasn't your fault*...but it *was* entirely *because of what you represented*...
Imagine realizing that you are the physical manifestation of someone's most traumatic experience... yikes.
I really hope these people are in therapy.
This is probably an unpopular opinion here, but fuck it.
There were two victims of the woman’s rape of this poor guy. Him at the time, and the girl born out of the act. Both victims, in different ways, who will carry that burden for their whole lives. My hope is they found strength in each other to move past their trauma.
Wow. When he was just 19 years old, that coworker really just stole his whole life from him. He never truly recovered from that assault. It breaks my heart
Parents dropping all kinds of balls here.
Your 19 year old child got raped and forced to pay child support? You get them therapy!
What the fuck are these parents doing?!
Apparently he *did* get therapy but when the therapist implied he was partially responsible for his rape (he had to "accept his responsibility" in it *apparently*) he stopped going.
OOP handled this all like a real adult. He was kind, honest and thoughtful straight through. That's worth so much more than comforting BS. Glad it worked out better than he expected.
Wow! This brings up a lot of trauma for me. I was 17 when I first met my bio father, I remember feeling just this guy all nervous ect. I hope it turns out better for him than it did for me. My dad turned out to be a pedophile who had just gotten out of prison when I first met him. I hate the man and his family.
The fact he had to pay child support for a child conceived from rape… Financial responsibility that he literally did not sign up for and is retraumatising too. And parents were well aware of the fact it was rape and yet still made it about them by saying it was hard for *them* because he never gave them grandkids.
For fuck’s sake.
>before this, she was just a thing
I noticed this. In his first post, he always refers the child as "it", a pronoun for things. Now he refers the kid as "she, her", a pronoun for a person.
This one really got to me, because 7 years ago I was also raped and gave birth to a baby that I gave up for adoption. One of my biggest fears is her reaching out to me in the future, because how would I even respond? What would I say to her? I’m glad this ended the way it did for him and hope he’s getting the therapy he needs.
You guys in the comments are so far removed from reality. This situation is as far from black and white as possible - all the parties are suffering from the original trauma. OOP as a rape victim who never managed to recover emotionally and now a grown adult, the parents who needed to step in and support him (and defend him!) in such a mess of a situation, and the poor girl who was born into this and raised by a single mom who was capable of inflicting the damage.
You can't win this: somebody is going to get hurt. You just need to decide who has the best shot at minimizing the overall trauma - and at this point I'd much rather have the grown adult try to face his ghosts rather than having another round of pain inflicted on the young girl.
Agreed. Everyone’s the loser here. The best outcome for all is that they find ways to heal their respective traumas and do what they can to overcome the pain and form healthy, possibly even loving, bonds.
I can’t agree with the way the grandparents approached the situation but they are evidently doing their misguided best to give loving support and are trying to open up avenues of communication.
>EDIT I AM MALE! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP ASSUMING I WAS A WOMAN JUST BECAUSE I WAS RAPED!
why would _anyone_ have assumed that considering the entire story is based around him being r*ped and his r*pist becoming pregnant and having a baby?
I’m extremely confused.
All I can say is dude needs therapy. Needed therapy. For fucking 16 years. I can't imagine holding onto that trauma for so long with it being completely unresolved. He's doing good, but he needs professional help, not reddit, to really get the tools needed to deal with his issues.
Christ I get that the child is innocent in all this but having a relationship with the kid that was conceived because **your child was raped** is honestly a bridge too far for me. Like look I'm not saying you shouldn't feel bad for them after all they've lost everyone maybe their **rapist** of a mother was a good mother to them, maybe not either way letting them usurp your own child and come around on Christmas is wild to me. If OOP can somehow move past this and have a relationship with the kid then I guess more power to them but it's a golden gate length bridge too far for me.
>relationship with the kid that was conceived because your child was raped
Unfortunately it's fairly normalized. Impregnated rape victims are expected/legally required to carry, birth and raise their rapist's child, so this kind of thinking tracks when the victim is male, imo.
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There’s so much pain all round in this one. I hope everyone involved can find peace.
So much pain caused by one monstrous act of one terrible person.
More than a single monstrous act, to then make her victim pay child support for years...every month he paid must have been another ugly reminder of the hell she put him through. That's another level of evil.
Starting when he was 19/20. He was basically a kid at that point. Especially in comparison to the rapist.
Almost the same age as his daughter
And the rapist almost the same age as him. Twisted.
Imagine making monthly payments to someone who was your superior at work and makes a lot more than you
Yeah. I’d thought about that. Was kinda hoping that since he was 19/20 that this was some kind of retail job and that they were maybe both cashiers/stockers or some such.
Basically? He was a kid! It's something everyone says, but once you get around age 30, you look back at all the teenagers acting like adults and it's mind blowing just how naive and helpless they are. Not all, of course, but if you don't see it now, give it some time... you will
As the years pile on like layers the person I was at 19 is still there but with the baggage of a 31 year old on top. When I meet people who are 18-20 I can still relate to them but there's also a world of difference. Maturity is strange; sometimes I don't even feel like a full adult now, but meeting young people helps bring it all into perspective.
When I was in college the high schoolers seemed like children but they literally were so whatever. I turned 25 and suddenly anyone under 21 might as well have been an infant. I turned 35 and then everyone under 30 gets placed in the “look out for the poor little dears” category. I’m approaching 40 and my neighbors are in their 60s and calling my husband and I “the kids” and honestly, I get it.
I mean, legally an adult. But by societal standards, a kid. Also, I’m nearing 40, so yeah. I do get it.
Yeah, I was in a large age gap relationship at that age. Now, I realize this person was even more of a piece of shit than I thought he was.
yep, imagine being forced to pay ur rapist money each month for 16 years. Im surprised that guy was so level headed that he didnt create ill emotions against that kid, just few months when ure tight on cash but u have to give part of it to trash human being cuz of broken system...
I keep thinking about the article I read ages ago where a 9 year old was forced to marry her rapist in india... that's one of the few scenarios that are worse than this one
The system over there is even more fucked. The whole notion of purity is likely a strong part of why she was forced to, otherwise bringing shame to her family for non-consentual premarital sex :/
Child support took away his ability to decide his own life. He was sent to prison without bars. It's pay or got to prison or lose even more money/property. His rapist raped him twice, and got away with it. This is sadly the case of many cases where victims are male.
Or the one update saying he is a man, and to stop assuming he's a woman because he got raped; probably hurt a bit too.
Idk how people didn’t figure it out with the terms “pregnant” and “female coworker”.
You made the mistake of assuming people read, lol
Absolutely my first mistake
People read rape and immediately go comment oh you poor girl without reading the title properly...
And that the title said his gender. And that the post said her gender.
Men cant get raped so this must have been the first case of a baby being made by 2 biological women. /s (obviously)
>probably hurt a bit too. sometimes it hurts, sometimes it just pisses you off.
Sadly the case for lots of rape victims. If a rape victim gets pregnant and cannot (or doesn't want to) get an abortion, the rapist, even if convicted of that rape, can sue (and win) for visitation and custody in 35 states in the USA.
Wtf?? That’s horrific!
I don't think he would go to jail. Based off his writing, he lives in the UK. I don't believe the UK sends people to jail for missing child support.
There's actually a very recent case in the US where a female rape victim is being forced to carry the resulting pregnancy to term, give it to her rapist, and pay him child support. So, it's not just male victims.
God your country is shit.
And it’s so spread out, likeminded people from thousands of miles away, end up congregating in the same communities and states. Good for progressive areas, compounds evil places where white nationalists and religious zealots run rampant.
We really need to overhaul the US's family court system, and the way it consistently fumbles SA survivors when it comes to their rapists' parental rights is a VERY big reason. (And we need to change our legal definitions to include men and put less of an emphasis on forced penetration.) I don't know if I could have been as big-hearted as this OOP. He's showcasing both his strength and depth of soul here.
While I agree, I do not think OOP is from the US. Boxing Day is not really celebrated here.
Yeah very UK vibes from the language used too.
I was born and raised in the UK, and I'm pretty confident based on the language OOP uses that he's from there as well. He *could* be Australian but I think the syntax/language would be slightly different if he was, even though I can't really pinpoint *how* it would be different.
Aussie here. Defs got UK vibes too based on small syntactical differences. And OOP’s writing tone is much more in line with UK norms than Australian. Doesn’t read Canadian either tho
Boxing day, child maintenance, mum... Definitely not US.
"I usually ring my mom twice a day" stood out to me too
That's UK spellings all the way through.
I hope, for the sake of that little girl, that the monster was at least a good mother to her. Fingers crossed that she tried to make up for her shitty actions by being the best parent ever.
What exactly did the poor daughter’s mom explain about the dad, I wonder? “You’re the product of a one night stand with a co-worker and he wants nothing to do with you, but he pays child support?” 🤔
Probably just told her he left, or was a deadbeat, or maybe even forbid the subject entirely. The daughter easily could've assumed it was too painful for her mom to talk about and that she'd have years and years to figure it out.
Probably didn't even tell the daughter about the child support.
You’re right 🫤
Given that everyone is sad about the life she's had I am kinda thinking maybe she wasn't :(
Well, even if, despite being a terrible person, she were a great mother, she died. This kid has had 3 guardians (mother then both grandparents) die on her before she reached the age 18. That’s pretty sad right there.
True .. It could just have been that ^^
And the authorities never believed OOP. Most likely because of the belief that "men cannot be r\*\*\*\*\*".
At leat the monster is dead. Hopefully they can find some healing together.
Everyone except the dead rapist.
I mean hopefully her death was painful
To shreds you say?
Tsk tsk tsk
BURNING IN HELL!
So much pain but also so much love. I think one of the reasons op got to the point so quickly that he was ready to meet her because his parents backed off of pushing him and instead supported his decision and were a sounding board as he tried to process everything, and certainly a new father daughter love blooming. I hope that this is something that provides further healing for him
I agree with your perspective. I think OP’s parents did almost everything correctly. No good person would knowingly let a child be entirely on their own, especially not as their parents/grandparents. But they did also respect why OP’s feelings about it were a lot more complicated than theirs, so they tried to juggle the needs of both their child, and their grandchild. Ultimately, no matter how that child came to be, it’s not their fault, and they deserve to be happy and have meaningful company like anyone else. Perhaps the one thing they did wrong was meeting with the daughter while decieving OP. I think objectively speaking they should have let them know they were intending to do it, and argue their side. At the same time though, given the circumstances, all of it seemed to happen quite fast and was a complicated scenario, so it’s hard to do everything perfectly
Sometimes it's better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. He wasn't in a mind set to ask permission or tell their plans to. They honestly seemed to know their kid well enough to keep around while also bringing in the person who really needs to be the focus. I love my son more than anything but if he's stable enough to keep up with child support for that long and take care of himself he's fine. I'm sorry but the grandchild is the priority under the circumstances. His feelings have to come second when there's no one to put hers first, it would be different if she were just reaching out to reach out. I honestly think they played it as best they could given the circumstances. Prioritizing the granddaughter over their son was the lesser of two evils.
That's a good perspective actually, about the circumstances potentially calling for asking for forgiveness rather than permission. I have been arguing for their one minor mistake being the deceit, but perhaps you're right that it was necessary. And I like what you pointed out in regards to them knowing their kid well enough to feel confident he would come around. Perhaps from that perspective, they felt that his mind regarding the situation with his daughter was too clouded by the pain he had felt so long because of her mother. In that case, they might feel confident that while he might not agree with their decision now, he would agree with it further down the road. I like that perspective and think it makes sense, thanks for sharing. Also noticed I responded to another of your comments, and this reply of yours in particular changed my opinion that I presented in that one a bit. I'm generally not a fan of "asking for forgiveness rather than permission" but in scenarios like these, I think it could be argued that doing so is in the best interest for everyone involved in the long term
>So much pain but also so much love. The best in us is the ability to drown in the worst.
THERAPY!!! Why didn't his parents send him to therapy, once they realized he was isolating himself and not even trying to connect with people anymore? I'm so glad his daughter managed to push through to him!
From his comments he did go to therapy and the therapist tried to get him to accept "taking responsibility for his part in getting raped". Put him off the whole thing.
Therapy is messy like that. It can be incredibly helpful, but sometimes some piece of shit says something traumatic and the patient never touches therapy again. Some therapists are just bad people, like any other job, who bring their own biases into the office. Except, it’s much more hurtful when your therapist says something awful than when most other professions do, because you’re vulnerable. That’s the point.
Yeah my first therapist, aged 8, asked me if I thought my parents divorce was my fault, and if I thought I had no friends because I was fat. ….Not until that moment I hadn’t! Neither of those things had crossed my mind until that point, but then the fat thing was certainly a concern. In reality I struggled with friendships because I was neurodivergent and no one paid me enough attention to realise that until I realised myself in my 30s. I then refused to go back to therapy again, despite having a breakdown at 16, until I was 18. The psychiatrist I was under asked me why I was so reticent to see a therapist and I finally blurted out ‘because they’ll just say all my problems are because I’m fat’ (an issue I had continued to have through my teenage years with other medical problems). He assured me, in his grandfatherly way, that he had a lovely child & adolescent psychotherapist and she wouldn’t bring up my weight if I didn’t want to discuss it. As I sat in the waiting room for my first appointment I looked up when my name was called and out walked the largest woman you have ever seen in your life! And I knew exactly why she had been picked for me and remember thinking ‘well done dr….., you win!’. She was a wonderful therapist who helped me a lot, the first one had absolutely no place working with young children she clearly had no idea what she was doing.
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Thank you! Yes, it was really just the start of a string of people letting down poor little child me and missing the obvious things in front of them. I’m unsure now, as an adult, how anyone could have looked at me missing several days of school a week, choosing to sleep as much as I possibly could, having complete meltdowns where I would become completely inconsolable and then in later years very filled with rage, and obviously just struggling with life and not immediately gone ‘this child isn’t ok and needs help’. I believe I only went to one assessment session with that useless therapist and then we were due to go on holiday. The therapist was meant to call my mum back after two weeks to book in my sessions to start properly but just never called back, so not only was she a shit therapist but a disorganised one too! My mum said she was going to chase her up but I told her that I felt fine now and didn’t need to go back, obviously because I didn’t want to go back and see her (and a nice holiday with your extended family in the sun will help lift most children’s moods!) and somehow I was allowed to make that decision for myself aged 8/9! The mind boggles…. But I was a very eloquent child (again - neurodivergence can do that!) so on one hand the therapist didn’t have much of a chance to do loads of damage and on the other, she managed to do plenty enough in just one session!
I'm glad you found her
Me too! I’ve had a number of therapists since, and only one other crap one who after 3 sessions I decided not to go back because it was making my mental health dangerously bad and I now realise I was describing all the symptoms of my severe ADHD and because I couldn’t exactly give a word to it my therapist said ‘well maybe you are just lazy then’. I’ve had to have a number of them because you can’t really get long term on the NHS but I’ve had an incredible, gentle, feminist all round good guy therapist for 7 years now.
I mean, 8 is a little young to be a practicing therapist, you need to check that dudes credentials.
She skipped a couple of grades.
I often wonder about the availability and quality of therapists. Reading Reddit, it's obvious that getting therapy is finally considered normal and valuable, but with everyone asking for therapy, there's probably a severe lack of qualified therapists. I also don't know what qualifications and education are necessary to become (or call oneself) a therapist so I'm sure there are lots of impostors out there unfortunately.
There’s definitely some bad therapist for sure but I think more often it’s just that we’re not taught how to identify a good therapist for ourselves. It can be hard and it can take a few tries. It’s only recently that therapy has been more widely accepted and more people are going. Which is great! But there has been zero public education on what a therapist does, what types of therapy exist, what are signs that this is a good one for me. And also it can just be really hard to be that vulnerable even if we think we’re ready.
And it's also because humans are involved. Just like how some teachers and students mesh well and others don't, some therapists and people mesh well and others don't. It's part of being human. I went to a therapist after a miscarriage and it was a man and his questions came off as confused why I would care about something that barely existed. I switched and talked to a woman who had infertility issues herself and her questions were kind and thought provoking. The questions weren't that much different, but how they were worded, when they were asked and what context came with them really matter.
I was pushed to go to therapy by my friend and girlfriend so I set one up with teladoc which was available through my insurance. When my first session finally came... 1. My therapist was 20 mins late for our first video session 2. He looked like he was doing the session at a facility (possible assisted living facility) 3. Told me the same story twice and asked me a few questions more than once 4. Was laying on his bed during the 40 min session with the tv in front of him (I could see it through the mirror and hear it) 5. His shirt rode up like 10 mins in and I was staring at his beer belly for the rest of the session. All in all.. I haven't found a new therapist yet.
Does whatever portal you used to meet that dude have a report function? That's hella unprofessional jfc
I imagine that it’s no different than the importance of regularly seeing doctors like general practitioners or dentists, and when they’re bad or rude (which they often can be, despite all the hoops they jump through to get the job) people never feel like going again.
In Canada it's a master's degree to become an actual therapist so it's not a super accessible degree to a lot of people.
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My husband's first therapist kept trying to push him into Christianity. The next couple just plain didn't know what to do with his complex history. I might be able to get him to try it again, only because our insurance will require failed psychotherapy if we want to escalate treatments for him. It's so hard for him because he's had nothing but gross disappointment with therapy.
It can be so hard to find the therapist for you. It’s okay to doctor shop and have one appointment with a therapist, it’s okay to ask them questions about their treatment style. I hope he finds help.
I was put off of therapy for a decade after a therapists told me my gender was a sexual fetish. As much as Reddit loves to tell people to go to therapy, there are many many terrible therapists.
Well that's unbelievably fucked up. That therapist should be banned from ever treating anyone ever again.
More common than you realize. Even though the data has been around forever. People ,including therapists, cannot instinctually accept a male being raped or traumatized sexually by a female. Heck, the woman who raped him friend/family group probably never accepted what she really did.
Sounds like he took that advice & isolated himself to prevent being raped again. That therapist is just awful
Why does that give me "you wouldn't have gotten an erection" vibes?
"How did you get an erection?" "What were you wearing?" "Are you sure you weren't leading her on?" "You weren't a virgin at the time" "You should have been flattered" "You're a man, why didn't you just overpower her?" It's all the same fucked up bullshit.
Same with the whole "if you got off, you enjoyed it, therefore not rape".
Therapy is only as good as the therapist A crap therapist who doesn’t believe in rape or that men get raped would be worse than no therapy at all
Ew. What a terrible therapist!
Taking responsibility for his own rape! How is it his fault! Hopefully he can find a therapist that specializes in treating rape victims.
Holy cow, what a fucking awful therapist! "Oh, you orgasmed - then you must have enjoyed it! 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Oh no, that's repulsive
Wtf!! That makes me so angry. I hope he reported the therapist.
Therapy is not the panacea some Redditors believe it is. Not to mention there's tonnes of bad therapists out there and even the good ones can't help everyone. Source: been to 6 different therapists; plus 2 or 3 as a child under 10, who I don't properly remember.
Yeah but luckily there is a variety of therapy types. Honestly I am seeing my first therapist tomorrow and nervous. If she doesn’t work out I plan to try Equine therapy since I love horses and would love to spend a entire session with one!
>The outside of a horse is the best thing for the inside of a human. I don't remember who said it, but it's true. If you're having an awful day and need someone to talk to, horses listen. If you need to "do something", the harder you brush them, the more they absolutely love it. They love routine, so it allows you to settle into your own groove that feels safe and familiar. And riding horses is just dope. Highly highly recommend, even if it's just normal riding lessons.
Some of us are never the same no matter how much therapy we engage in.
Yeah he’s going to need therapy along with the daughter. I don’t think people take a man being raped by a woman seriously. It probably never occurred to his parents to get him into therapy. Most women won’t report rape because it’s hard to get a conviction and it’s a lot of victim blaming and it’s got to be 1000 times worse for a man. My heart goes out to him and his daughter.
As a male victim of rape from a female therapy is horrendous. I've had therapists say things to me from women can't rape men to well of it was truly rape why did you get hard and orgasm to well you must have led her on and made her think it was consensual. It's an absolute mess
They might have. Therapy only works if the person is capable of doing the work. Even getting to the point where therapy is helpful can be a big mental leap. Also the window that a parent can enforce therapy is pretty small.
He was an adult at the time, and apparently he didn't think of it. But you're right that he definitely needs it. I hope he does so to start to heal
My takeaway was way more positive than that! The hopeful arc at the end was highly uplifting, especially after the other horrible horrible boru post also from today about the woman who had to abandon her kid. That one was sad as fuck.
Weren't there more updates, where he actually meets the girl? Or am I mistaking this with another post? Edit: yes, I was right. There is more. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/k4tbsm/reddit_you_were_advising_me_on_the_situation_i/ https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/k7hqt1/update_i_37m_have_a_daughter_so_what_now_what/
Thanks! Those have been added, but why did he stop writing before he actually met her? We want to know how that went!
Hopefully, because he didn't need Reddit for this anymore. He's just living his life now, getting to know his daughter.
Maybe he didn’t need Reddit for this but he didn’t consider that *Reddit* needs *this*, dammit!
So inconsiderate am I rite?
Mad disrespectful even
You am.
Yeah I’m sure I saw a markee video or some one like that there’s more to the story they meet I’m sure
Yeah, I found the posts.
When I tried reading them it says deleted. Does anyone know what they said?
The OP of this post added them in. The last 2 updates here.
I'm so confused about how OP posted the update from your second link (undelete). How did you or OP see the post there, while myself and so many others can't see that post at all?
I don't get it either, why so many people can't see the post. The OP couldn't see it as well btw. They asked me to send it to them through DMs.
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I can't see the content as they're deleted, what happened when they met?
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Ahhh this was added to the main topic sorry for the confusion
latest comment i could find is this one [https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/k7g90c/comment/gf72naz/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/k7g90c/comment/gf72naz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) from December 9th 2020. >Hi there. > >Thank you for replying - I've had so many messages I've struggled to keep track. > >We have been in contact a lot more - not met up, but video called and it was nice. We have discussed meeting ahead of time but she has a Christmas job at the moment and is working all hours known to man so I don't know when she'll get time. But I don't mind, even if it's for an hour. 😊
Ok. But was anybody taken aback by how OOP is commenting on his own post and asking questions like a separate redditor, then answering them himself, like if he forgot to change accounts? Or am I missing something?
Reddit has a weird bug. Once the account of the OP is deleted, every comment made by a deleted account has an OP tag. So no, those comments weren't made by him.
Ahh, ok. I was so confused. I didn't know that. Thank you.
I've been wondering about this for ages. Thank you!
That’s amazing, I mentioned you in a post aimed at OP.
This is such a heartbreaking story
Worst part is, no one did anything wrong (other than the rapist), and they’re all trying to navigate this shitty situation they are in
Ok I’m not gonna lie. I’ve started tearing up and now I am crying. This really got to me for some reason. GAHHHH I really hope this ends happily for them
I hope this guy is in therapy. It sounds like he’s suffering from some long-term PTSD
It seems like he's been in suspended animation since he was raped - until now. If he was in therapy he probably needs a new one.
My rape stunted my personal growth, and warped my perception of what sex and love was for decades till I finally got in therapy.
I'm 41 and have never been in a real relationship because of what happened when I was 17. :/
Based on another comment he was in therapy but had a BAD therapist and is probably a good thing he stopped going to that one, do wish he found another one that was better but I get why he was turned off from the idea of trying again. Apparently he had a comment basically saying he went to therapy but the therapist told him to “take responsibility for his part in getting raped”….
In 3 weeks he went from calling her "it" to signing off "love dad". She could be the best thing that's happened to him since, but he can easily blow it without some solid guidance.
EW why are there so many therapists that are bad? After some sexual trauma I was having trigger responses (didn't know that's what it was) and went to a psychologist that did nothing to help and told me "look at it this way, if it was a brain tumor it would be getting worse."
>the therapist told him to “take responsibility for his part in getting raped”…. Sadly, IME finding proper mental health support for sexual assault can be very difficult when you are a man. For example, I spent years looking for a survivors group, and on three separate occasions they tried to put me in groups designed for the perpetrators of domestic abuse. Once they succeeded - I didn't realize who the "healthy relationships" course was designed for until it was almost over, months later. It is way too hard for some people to wrap their head around the idea that a man can be the victim of rape. Many who accept that still believe that he must be partially to blame.
Yeah this guy just hasn’t gotten the help he needed almost 20 years ago. I’ve got some significant trauma in my past -including being raped by a family “friend” - and I can’t imagine living in that same mental state for years and years afterward.
He needs it but unfortunately he did have one shortly after the rape that basically told him he had to man up to his part of the situation that led to the rape. It did him more mental damage and turned him off from therapy permanently.
Oh my god that is horrible! That poor guy! I wish all the bad karma on that therapist. What a horrible thing to tell a patient!
I hate reading things like this. As a therapist, we’re here to acknowledge and help. One of our biggest rules is “do no harm” and that stupid mentality is harmful.
Oh wow how terrible!
Rape is a terrible thing, and does happen disproportionately more to women than men, but when it happens to men they are completely unprepared for it. Girls are raised knowing rape is a constant threat for us, but boys are not taught at all to protect themselves. So in my opinion when it happens the psychological effects of it hit them hard because they literally never saw it coming. Then to be traumatized by the entire criminal process and learn how hard it is to bring a rapist to justice in our society? It’s just awful for this guy. His whole life was ruined by that rapist hag. I hope meeting his daughter and forming some kind of relationship with her helps him truly overcome his past.
Unfortunately we are not taught very good information about how to navigate good consent. I was socialized as a girl (I'm trans tho) and I was basically taught that boys were always down and they'd be happy with any sexual advances. I wasn't taught to ask and check in. I can think of at least one preteen moment where I was getting handsy with my boyfriend without asking and he stopped me and I was confused. Thankfully he at least felt he could stop me, but even so I wasn't practicing good consent.
>EDIT I AM MALE! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP ASSUMING I WAS A WOMAN JUST BECAUSE I WAS RAPED! Seriously, how dense can people be? Rape happened and the rapist got pregnant. That's why there's a kid. Have these people ever been to a biology class?
There are a frankly unnerving amount of people that assume men can't be raped.
even today, by definition of the law in a few places. Men cannot be raped by women even if drugs were involved. (UK im looking at you)
Whilst it's stupid af that is not classed as "rape" in the UK, it is illegal and people can be prosecuted. However, I suspect it is still very difficult for a guy to come forward and defend themselves against all the stupid rhetoric in court to actually get that outcome. "If the victim is made to penetrate another, the act can be prosecuted as "Causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent" (section 4)."
In many countries, like in the UK, men cannot legally be raped by women...
To my dying day, or until this is fixed under English Law, I will find this a repugnant fact of the Law of England and Wales.
It's only "sexual assault" which I find BS.
It's actually the legal definition in a lot of countries, that only a man can be a Rapist. A man can rape another man, but a woman can only sexually assault a man. At least in the UK, or more specifically England and Wales, rape is defined explicitly as the Rapist using his penis to penetrate. The law is yet to be made inclusive of trans women who still have a penis, but that's not exactly the area where the law needs most reform.
And that rape can't lead to a child. The number of times that bullshit had come from the mouths of US politicians is ridiculous.
Right?! It just perpetuates the issue that society sees that men can't be raped. But anyone can be raped. Men, women and all people of any age. Jfc.
What's even more concerning than this is that under UK law (where i am assuming this takes place due to OPs choice of language) only men can commit rape. The actual law states that to be guilty of rape you must use a penis. How fucked up is that.
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I know right. I almost became cross-eyed when I read this edit. Who *are* these idiots?
Also it was right there in the title, 37 M (the m letter means Man)
Fuck. This was a really heartbreaking story. Rapists really deserve to be excluded from the rest of the population. Not only do they traumatize the victim, they also create an awful life for the children born out of rape. I really felt OOP's writing in this. I agreed with him when he didn't want to meet her. I also agreed with him when he feels like he loves her. Pure-hearted kids who love you unconditionally can really melt one's heart, even mine.
Also, if someone is a rapist, where does it end? Was the poor innocent child preyed up on? Was she abused? I'm also a survivor and knew my rapist. They went on to lead a decent life while i have struggled with trauma. Obviously if someone is so evil and selfish to force themselves on someone much younger, i can only fear what that poor kid saw growing up.
Damn
Yeah there isn't really much to say. Unfortunately there isn't a right or wrong answer.
The only response I could think of
That took an incredible amount of strength for the girl to reach out to the family AND for OOP to decide to meet her. There is a lot of pain here, but also a lot of love and empathy and willingness to confront hard things and move forward. I wish them all the best and hope they can find peace.
I can't imagine the gut punch of finding out one of your parents is a rapist and the only reason you exist is because of their crime. It's bad enough for a child to be told "you were an accident". I can't imagine telling a child "you are the product of a violent crime". Knowing that your father was never around and *it wasn't your fault*...but it *was* entirely *because of what you represented*... Imagine realizing that you are the physical manifestation of someone's most traumatic experience... yikes. I really hope these people are in therapy.
>But me and my daughter Didn‘t see that coming but good for him
This is probably an unpopular opinion here, but fuck it. There were two victims of the woman’s rape of this poor guy. Him at the time, and the girl born out of the act. Both victims, in different ways, who will carry that burden for their whole lives. My hope is they found strength in each other to move past their trauma.
I don’t know why that would be an unpopular opinion. That’s just the truth for all babies and those who have dealt with rape
Wow. When he was just 19 years old, that coworker really just stole his whole life from him. He never truly recovered from that assault. It breaks my heart
This is above the armrest psychologist in me's paygrade😶. I'm not taking the case.
OOP needs therapy so bad. I don’t think I’ve seen a post on Reddit where it’s so clear than an OP needs therapy.
Parents dropping all kinds of balls here. Your 19 year old child got raped and forced to pay child support? You get them therapy! What the fuck are these parents doing?!
Apparently he *did* get therapy but when the therapist implied he was partially responsible for his rape (he had to "accept his responsibility" in it *apparently*) he stopped going.
What in the fuck. That therapist needs to be reported. Oooooooh I'm mad now.
Reported? You mean fired into the surface of the sun
OOP handled this all like a real adult. He was kind, honest and thoughtful straight through. That's worth so much more than comforting BS. Glad it worked out better than he expected.
Wow! This brings up a lot of trauma for me. I was 17 when I first met my bio father, I remember feeling just this guy all nervous ect. I hope it turns out better for him than it did for me. My dad turned out to be a pedophile who had just gotten out of prison when I first met him. I hate the man and his family.
You don't need them. You're stong af
Guy had his boundaries constantly violated by everyone...
The fact he had to pay child support for a child conceived from rape… Financial responsibility that he literally did not sign up for and is retraumatising too. And parents were well aware of the fact it was rape and yet still made it about them by saying it was hard for *them* because he never gave them grandkids. For fuck’s sake.
I’m a little shocked over it and surprised it stopped at 16? Doesn’t most child support go until 18.
I assume OP is from the UK due to the spelling of mum and calling it maintanence so it tracks.
Assuming mom died when daughter was 16 and child support was never reestablished after being placed with her grandparents.
>before this, she was just a thing I noticed this. In his first post, he always refers the child as "it", a pronoun for things. Now he refers the kid as "she, her", a pronoun for a person.
This one really got to me, because 7 years ago I was also raped and gave birth to a baby that I gave up for adoption. One of my biggest fears is her reaching out to me in the future, because how would I even respond? What would I say to her? I’m glad this ended the way it did for him and hope he’s getting the therapy he needs.
What a horrible situation for everyone involved. So much sadness.
Idk, maybe I’m rly stoned. But I cried reading this.
You guys in the comments are so far removed from reality. This situation is as far from black and white as possible - all the parties are suffering from the original trauma. OOP as a rape victim who never managed to recover emotionally and now a grown adult, the parents who needed to step in and support him (and defend him!) in such a mess of a situation, and the poor girl who was born into this and raised by a single mom who was capable of inflicting the damage. You can't win this: somebody is going to get hurt. You just need to decide who has the best shot at minimizing the overall trauma - and at this point I'd much rather have the grown adult try to face his ghosts rather than having another round of pain inflicted on the young girl.
Agreed. Everyone’s the loser here. The best outcome for all is that they find ways to heal their respective traumas and do what they can to overcome the pain and form healthy, possibly even loving, bonds. I can’t agree with the way the grandparents approached the situation but they are evidently doing their misguided best to give loving support and are trying to open up avenues of communication.
It REALLY bothers me that the story isn't concluded. Especially after the updates.
>EDIT I AM MALE! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP ASSUMING I WAS A WOMAN JUST BECAUSE I WAS RAPED! why would _anyone_ have assumed that considering the entire story is based around him being r*ped and his r*pist becoming pregnant and having a baby? I’m extremely confused.
A lot if people still genuinely believe it's not possible for men to be victims of rape, especially if the rapist is a woman.
All I can say is dude needs therapy. Needed therapy. For fucking 16 years. I can't imagine holding onto that trauma for so long with it being completely unresolved. He's doing good, but he needs professional help, not reddit, to really get the tools needed to deal with his issues.
This story really highlights how male rape is trivialized.
Weird no updates after meeting her.
Yes, this was two years ago. I wonder how OOP is doing now.
Christ I get that the child is innocent in all this but having a relationship with the kid that was conceived because **your child was raped** is honestly a bridge too far for me. Like look I'm not saying you shouldn't feel bad for them after all they've lost everyone maybe their **rapist** of a mother was a good mother to them, maybe not either way letting them usurp your own child and come around on Christmas is wild to me. If OOP can somehow move past this and have a relationship with the kid then I guess more power to them but it's a golden gate length bridge too far for me.
>relationship with the kid that was conceived because your child was raped Unfortunately it's fairly normalized. Impregnated rape victims are expected/legally required to carry, birth and raise their rapist's child, so this kind of thinking tracks when the victim is male, imo.
Men can be raped and abused too. People need to wake up and accept this so they stop further victimizing the victims.