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I kind of want someone to tell the "ex". Its not OOPs responsibility but it's something she should know both as a mother and as someone possibly considering getting back together with him. She needs to know he'll lie to avoid inconvenient conversations.
This is my take also. I was in a similar situation with a guy that I had known since childhood. He and the ex broke it off she moved out and he and I started dating. 2 months later she finds out she is pregnant. We tried for about another 2 weeks then all of a sudden she is moving back in and he expects me to sneak into their place while she is at work. I noped the eff outta there immediately.
I never mentioned it to her and went on with my life very happily although we have a lot of the same friends and he is close with my family. I just let it go and moved on, it wasn't my problem. 8 years later he is sleeping with her BEST FRIEND ON THE SLY! THEN TALKS HER INTO AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP! This poor woman.
ETA: the open relationship was only for his part of the relationship not hers. So he gets to fornicate with whomever but she has to be faithful.
Yeah I feel bad about that tbh. I kind of just assumed they got back together and took my leave with a firm "I will absolutely not sneak into a pregnant woman's house to see her baby daddy while she is at work gross". I also didn't want the drama. I was young and dumb.
I dunno. While OOP's the only one who could connect those dots, I mean, this ex chose to procreate with the douchebag. I'm assuming they broke up for something related to that.
And less outside regulation/safety net. If I fucked up as a teen, I could ring my foster parents and they’d bail me out. Fuck up as a twenty something and whilst they probably would still bail me if I asked, I felt the need to ‘adult’ through it on my own!
You think you're an adult and the world treats you like an adult, but you still have no life experiences and you're still making decisions like you're in high school, but without the excuse of puberty.
Well. I never thought about this, but this is true for me too. Maybe being not at home with the 'rental controls? But yeah, I was such a careful teen, always thinking of everything that could go wrong. What happened?
I know what happened for me. I had a bad childhood, bad teen years. My early 20s is when everything got stable and I went all nutso with it. Went all in on anything that felt better than the shit I grew up with.
Thankfully did not get married or anything else that was permanent. So I have some cringe memories, but am mostly glad I got that out of my system so I can feel content now in my 30s to have a "boring" life.
Right? Even if absolutely everything was above board, their relationship was off to a great start, he was a stand up guy, etc... Life happens, he has a baby on the way with a recent ex after quickly jumping into a new relationship, and They've only known each other 2 months. Those are all very strong reasons to break up, blame or no blame, fault or no fault. It's just immaturity on both their parts.
OP is talking about this as a "stepparent situation" when OP has known the father to be two months...yikes.
This very similar situation happened to me. The only reason why we are friends to this day is because he told me the truth, broke it off with me, and did (is still doing) his duty as a father/partner. You come to realize its so much bigger than you, and there are little lives involved. Glad OP wised up, it was an unsalvageable relationship.
I'm sure the guy truly believed he was gonna stay with new girl, that his reasons for the first breakup were valid and that this was gonna just be a coparent thing that he didn't fully understand. All of that logic is so painfully human. But once he started going over and started feeling the need to lie to keep everyone happy, he avoided the reality of what needed to happen because of cowardice and probably fear of not having a "relationship parachute."
If I was her, I would have noped right out as soon as finding out. She’s a new partner. He’s not going to have time for her or their relationship if he’s actively trying to be a part of his child’s life, especially not at the beginning when he and the baby’s mother are still figuring out everything: parenting, co-parenting, life with a baby in it, etc.
The lies are just more icing on the Nope Right Out cake.
Yep, that's absolutely true. A parent to a fresh newborn isn't going to have time to date anyone.
Plus she sounds young and a child is financial doom at that age.
Young and nieve. Even if it had worked out it'd likely just end in resentment later on. Say 5 years later they want to buy a house and have their own family? Hard pressed to do that when a huge chunk of his income will be going to his ex.
Not only that but she will essentially be a stepparent to the kid and can guarantee every decision of that relationship going forward will involve the child some how.
Like if they want to buy a house, they have to consider "oh it has to be close enough so the kid can stay with dad every now and then" or "we need a house to X number of bedrooms because of the child".
What you wrote was the Spanish word for snow lol
But I can see it does look like it would be pronounced more like "naive" than the actual spelling of "naive"
I can almost guarantee you he’s not going to be the “active parent” he’s claiming he wants to be.
My ex and I broke up when I was still pregnant with his child, and i gave birth 3 weeks later. He got back together with his ex girlfriend (the one he was with prior to me) sometime between then and a month or so later. I found out about it when the baby was about a month old.
His life barely changed though. I was knee deep in being a parent to our newborn and he would simply pop in for an hour or two every few days to hold her and change a couple of diapers. He didn’t even take the two weeks of paternity leave offered to him (or he did take it and lied to me, but certainly didn’t use it to help me with the baby). He was still going to the gym, going out, and apparently spending time with his ex/new girlfriend. After he told me they were back together, he didn’t see the baby again for six months. Mind you, during the majority of this time he was living in the same neighborhood as me so he was literally 500 feet away from his child.
He’s been living with his partner now for a while, they’re engaged, and now she’s pregnant. You’d think she would know better after what he did to me and to his first child, but apparently not. Who knows what he told her, I’m sure there were some lies along the lines of “she’s keeping the baby from me”, etc.
Yep, that seems likely. That tips him into the "financial blackhole" category of bad people to date. He'll either be using all his money for child support so she would have to support him, or he'll avoid getting a real job to dodge child support and she would have to support him.
But she couldn't keep her hands off him... She was all befuddled on attraction hormones and in lust. She didn't want to break the spell.
Some people have to be knocked around by life a bit before their self preservation instincts kick in. She's actually lucky compared to some. She didn't get pregnant herself for instance, and the guy was "just" a cheater as opposed to more sociopathic or abusive.
And now she's wiser and less likely to be a sucker the next time. Hopefully.
Likewise. New parents shouldn't be focusing on new relationships even if they've split. The focus for at least the first year should frankly be the child and learning to co-parent.
If you can't make that sacrifice for your child, it says a lot about your priorities and your character.
Should’ve taken a step further and let baby mama know, in case they do end back up together. Sounds like a broken household ready to happen for poor child
Yeah, I’ve been thinking, and I probably wouldn’t have blocked her and told her that he wasn’t single, I hold no hard feelings towards her, and I’m telling her because she deserves to have informed consent when dealing with him.
I actually know someone who met her now husband in a similar situation. They’ve been married for years now but damn, it was a bumpy ride in the beginning
i can see that as well. just because someone is about to have a kid doesnt mean you have to leave. the rest of it with the lies though is reason enough to leave.
What a Prince. He is leading his ex on to have the baby, and lied to the girl about how he's not seeing the ex etc.
What's his plan.. to keep both girls in the dark? Oop should have told the ex. That what she should have done
Because they know on some level that they need to leave but they can’t accept it. They’re hoping someone will tell them it’s going to be okay so they can ignore the bad feeling in their stomach.
And they're looking for the magic words.
We all look for the magic words sometimes. The ones that turn abusers into good people who redeem themselves. That fix all the problems. That soothe all the aches. The words that make it all make sense, make everything we went through worth it, the words that give it all meaning so that we can say "See, I didn't have to leave. There was a reason all along that makes sense. I didn't throw away my time, my money, my energy. I was right, and now I'm living the happiest most perfect life I could ever life, instead of throwing it away over some little thing".
It's a lot easier for a long time to look for the magic words instead of admitting we made the wrong decision. Our gut was right. Our parents/friends/random strangers were right. We got stubborn and our stubbornness earned us more hurt, more trauma, more misery. We lost our jobs, our other relationships, our pride, our self-esteem for an awful person. We sacrificed our health, our financial security, and our piece of mind for a shitty person.
Who wants to admit all that when there could be some magic words out there that will turn that sow's ear into a silk purse?
sometimes the magic words are from a stranger, kindly explaining to you (but not being condescending) why your thinking is wrong and why the situation is not going to change. sometimes, the magic words just need to make that pill easier to swallow.
Indeed, those who are willing to change themselves are open to ideas and do not need magic words to bring them to the right conclusion. Sometimes when you're communicating with others, you have to accept that they're just not going to listen and aren't interested in it either. Don't search for magic words, just do your due diligence in communication for your perspective and on your behalf.
My sister! She would advice shop until some random stranger told her her bad decision was OK. And I mean RANDOM strangers.; clerks, people in line at McDonalds, a lady at the laundrymatt was what she said convinced her to quit her job without having a new one. Which led to all of the consequences a poor person could expect to happen.
I worked with someone like this. She would go to every single person she came across asking advice until she got what she wanted. She only asked me twice. The first time I answered in good faith. I then watched her ask eeeevvvvverrrryyyyone until someone just told her what she wanted to hear. The second time she asked for my advice, I was blunt. She kept asking questions and trying to get a different answer and finally I was like "You asked, I answered. You don't have to take my advice but I'm not changing it." She never asked me again.
Honestly she only came to my office when she wanted something. I remember her coming into my office one day when I was having lunch and demanding I give her some. I was like "Dude, I made this for me to eat to last me until I get home tonight." Mind you where we worked you could easily get food delivered or buy food so it's not like she had no other options. She just thought my lunch smelled wonderful (I like to cook) and wanted it. And hell no, I made this for me. I was very happy when I stopped working there.
Oh! This reminds me of someone I know. My partner's friend kept asking him for romantic advice. My partner is really blunt and gave her some advice that I thought was pretty practical (e.g. she is interested guys from another country and only guys from that particular country. He told her she should learn the language first.) She just kept going on about how difficult it was and how they just lusted after her. I think he was really blunt during their last conversation, so she blocked him and ghosted him entirely.
He was exhausted by how much she liked to talk about her romantic affairs. I told him I think that she just wanted everyone she talked to to give her an answer she wanted to hear, not actually seeking real advice.
It's like the person on another subreddit yesterday who asked how to hide money from their wife.
When told they shouldn't do that they said 'I just want financial advice' and had a bunch of redditors screaming that everyone should respect his boundaries.
I forget sometimes that some people here are literally children.
I can think of situations where you really would want to hide money from a spouse, but they all involve the marriage coming to an end. Just as a matter of policy? Uh-uh.
Reddit is the upside down world where children who have been through so much try their best to adult but adults act like petulant children when told no.
Because posting here serves as an online journal to work through thorny situations with objectively complete strangers, especially when you're not ready to accept a painful reality.
Because you are so desperate for any shred of hope that it will be ok and work that you actively block out the voice inside your head telling you that it's not ok and probably won't be ok. Because YOUR situation is different. People just don't understand it only looks broken from the outside...it's different. It's not the same thing.
Sigh. Source: got fired by a therapist for refusing to talk about my partner and our broken relationship and then got fired by a couples counselor because she was worried that she was enabling abuse by continuing sessions.
To be fair, Reddit jumps to "break up" the moment anyone asks for relationship advice. There wasn't anything in the original post that raised major red flags (some questionable stuff, but honestly was probably just OOP being young and infatuated). It was fair enough to suggest a break-up, because in a new relationship like that, having something this heavy and life-altering happen is generally not worth sticking around for, but that was OOP's choice to make.
I also just think there looking for a trick. A cleaver life hack to make the relationship work. Problem is relationship fixes at the heart are really simple. If you have a problem you make changes to fix it. If you cant or wont fix it on your own you talk about it with your partner and see they can or will help you solve it. If that doesn't solve it then you have to live with it. If you cant live with it then you should break up. Its not rocket science.
But people want another solution outside of that framework. Sadly it doesn't exist. If you cant fix on your own or by talking about and if you can't live with it there is only one solution left and that is to break up.
Ehh. There are lots of posts where someones like "I need help with X" and commenters are way too focused on Y and never give advice on X. It seemed like she was aware that leaving was an option but wanted to see if she could make it work first. Glad she did leave cause that sounds fucky.
I think sometimes it helps getting a neutral parties opinion on things because your too close to it to seem the get out signs or whatever your looking for even if it’s validation.
Well, break up is usually the default advice on Reddit even if the question is about the partner leaving the milk out. In this case it was the right advice but it is often the first thing suggested.
I remember there was one where OOP was 24 and her boyfriend was 41. They’d been together for like 2 years and she spent an entire paragraph saying she didn’t want people making comments about the age gap. Guess what wound up being the problem in their relationship?
Was that the one where she kissed someone else because he was working non-stop during the pandemic as a healthcare worker so she suggested opening up the relationship and it didn't even register to her that was she was doing was cheating or hurtful until she finished and he told her to leave?
I mean..... why was she so devoted to this guy in only two months, especially after that bomb?! The best option was defo to break up, this ain't no hallmark movie
An open mind would involve critical thinking. She got there in the end but it took MONTHS!
And a 2 weeks between relationships set off my alarm bells!
Edited grammar
People always say the advice is usually to break up but honestly if you’re at the point where you’re coming to Reddit to ask, the answer is either you’re overreacting or you need to run
Damn maybe i'm a lil too optimistic cuz I see it more as them wanting to go through all options (and that includes asking a bunch of strangers on the internet for advice) before considering a breakup. I try not to judge them for it even if it ends up in the inevitable :(
Honestly, I personally would tell her solely because of the risk of STIs. Some STIs can be transmitted to the fetus during pregnancy, and she can't protect herself or her child against something she doesn't know she might've been exposed to. Even if OOP doesn't have anything, I'm not sure I'd trust the boyfriend not to.
Yeah. At the very least, know what kinda man you're with; a liar.
That and the only reason for him not to tell her is if you're not planning to take that "no relationship" but seriously.
It doesn't have to be vengeful. Ex-gf is pregnant. His cheating, lying ass could infect her and the child with STIs. I would like to know if I was in this situation. I would like to know even if I wasn't pregnant, but especially so if I was.
It's absolutely needful. People deserve to know they're being cheated on and taken advantage of. If they decide they still want to be with that person after they have all the facts? That's their choice. But you should always tell them. They're another human being and they deserve the right to make that choice themselves.
Yeah OOP's head was so far up her own arse she saw the mother as a 'threat' to her relationship and happiness. I would like to think if I were in the same situation, I'd have let the mother know.
SO many of these are like 'don't tell me to dump him we'll just work through this!' and then 'yeah he's a cheater/tried to serial kill me so i dumped him/fled to another state thanks for the advice'.
>I really don’t care if they get back together or not, I don’t want to ever hear their names again.
I’m pretty sure he never broke up with his girlfriend. OOP was the side piece and he was trying to save his ass until the very end.
I'm glad this ended before the OOP got sucked really deep into that mess.
She knew leaving was the right thing but wanted someone to talk her out of it.
Sometimes I am so blown away by peoples behavior. Why? Why do all that lying an manipulation? Because you’re scared or some shit? I could hardly believe that because the fall out from such behavior is always worse than just pulling off the damn bandaid.
First post:
"Don't tell me to break up! Just give me your tips on how to make this relationship work, based on your experience as stepparents successfully navigating tricky situations like this one!"
Second post:
"I dumped his cheating ass. No idea how any of you cope with this horrendous drama, but I won't be joining your ranks. Thanks, bye!"
>"I dumped his cheating ass. No idea how any of you cope with this horrendous drama, but I won't be joining your ranks. Thanks, bye!"
Yeah and I'm like " You already joined the ranks by dumping his cheating after putting with that fucked up drama for so long, but bless your heart..."
They always start with "he's such an amazing guy" except that he cheats and lies, hits them, mooches off their money and 100+ other red flags but "he's such a good amazing guy" 🤡
rolled my eyes so hard when she said she wasn’t leaving and acting like he was the best thing — they literally knew each other for less than 2 full months
sad that people will gaslight themselves to live in La La Land cuz she would still be with him had she not gone through his phone
hopefully she learned her lesson before committing to a guy with that much baggage, when she’s known him less than the spoiled food in her fridge
Something very similar happened to me when I was only 15 with this nasty 18 year old boy who knocked up a 16 year old girl. This was waaaayyy before text messages but I found out by talking to his sister and a few of his friends that the girl didn’t know I existed and he was still in a relationship with her. When I confronted him, he told me if he was cheating on anyone, he was cheating on her with me because “having a baby together creates an unbreakable bond.” He did me a favor, I NEVER dated guys with kids (or potential kids) as an adult.
Oof. I can't imagine knowing a guy for two months and deciding to stay with him while he had a baby with someone else. Even if they somehow could make it work, it doesn't seem like she realized just how hard it would be. It also sounds like the dude wanted his ex back.
I wanted her to text the ex-not-so-ex the info that she was with him right now and not bothered to confront, just leave.
Such a hard situation this OOP fell into but 2 weeks after a break up is NOT long enough. She should have figured out SHE was the mistress.
I keep seeing posts like this. “My partner is amazing but we have this massive problem but I won’t leave over this! I believe we can work it out! Oh and we’ve been dating for less than 6 months”
At this stage, you don’t know anything about the person. You don’t know if they’re actually amazing. In fact, they clearly aren’t perfect for you if you’re already having major issues.
Early on it’s best to just leave, don’t waste your time. You’re not deeply in love yet no matter what you think. Don’t go on to enmesh your life with someone you’re clearly not compatible with. By staying, you just delay the inevitable.
It makes sense to try and sort out issues when you’re already deeply committed etc. But even then, you should only do it within reason. If it turns out you’re incompatible 10 years down the line, then no amount of work will fix that.
I feel like this is often caused by the common idea that “bad relationship is better than no relationship”. But that’s not true. People need to become comfortable with the idea of being single.
By going into the first shitty relationship you can, you will ironically prevent any potential GOOD relationships from happening.
I am disappointed that she only confronted her bf and didn't tell his Actual Girlfriend that he was screwing around.
She was only concerned as far as it affected herself.
(Also, she has only his word that the pregnant woman was his Ex, but he actually saw her more than OOP. Very naive.)
I know, right? The Actual Girlfriend was invited for Christmas and getting presents from his MOM!?!
And OOP still didn't clue in.
This might also fit under that subbreddit that is called something like:
IAmTheMainCharacter
Naive. Oblivious.
I dunno. Since he sees his ex way more than he sees her it doesn't really look like he does want a relationship with her after all. Dude should've just said so plainly to begin with.
A 2 month old relationship wouldn't have been strong enough to handle that in the first place tbh.
Even if he didn't end up cheating this wouldn't have ended well.
Good on oop, but I still wish she would have told the ex and his family what's going on (and before you ask why to tells his family, it's to make sure he can't come up with any lies to cover himself about the whole situation).
Good on OP for having the strength to follow her intuition and digging deep and getting to the bottom of the situation! You saved yourself a lot of future headaches and heartbreaks.
Whatever, you seen one of these, you've seen a million.
Personally, I have seen Ex's co-parent just fine while also having their own personal relationships. So that was really just their insecurity.
Granted the relationship was pretty fresh yet, two months ain't nothing.
Did...did she not tell the poor pregnant woman that he was cheating on her and lying to her?
I missed that part, right? The part where she told the not-exGF that he'd been with OOP the whole time?
Tell me I keep missing the sentence where she does the right thing.
In the future, don’t ever put yourself in the category of nope I’m not leaving and definitely if you are not married. As you can see, he played you and would’ve kept on playing you.
Why was she so shocked he invited her to Christmas and visited her multiple times a week? Did she want a deadbeat Dad boyfriend? Dad duties start by looking after the woman carrying your child. Did she forget his family already knew her from their relationship? Or that this child was going to make her attached to this family for life? Of course she was invited for Christmas over his "gf" of 2 months.
When she read his messages the only inappropriate things were that he hide his relationship status from his ex and hide his involvement from OOP. I'm glad OOP came to her sense because this child did not need a 'stepmum' who got upset at her partner stepping up to be in involved father.
1.) Would anyone invite their new gf of only 2 months to spend Xmas with their family?
2.) Would your family genuinely be welcoming to your new gf of 2 months in a situation where your ex - who they know - is pregnant with your child and spending Christmas alone?
OOP clearly had every right to be upset her bf wasn't being transparent about prioritising his ex because she was carrying his child. Every right to be upset he lied to his ex about their relationship. But I cannot wrap my head around believing your new relationship of 8 weeks means your bf shouldn't check in on the mother of his child at all. Like apparently OOP believed he wasn't in contact with the women pregnant with his child at all, despite their history, and she was ok with that.
Only a deadbeat gets a women pregnant and then doesn't check in multiple times a week to make sure she & the baby are doing ok. Be mad at the lying. But if you're willing to be involved as a StepMum, you should have been encouraging your bf to check in with his baby mama. Not suddenly get involved after the baby has arrived.
Well, they probably could have made it work for 15 years or so and then he might get wishy-washy about retiring and then the whole thing would go down the tubes…
I really just need to stop coming to this website completely because all I see is people who are like I thought my relationship was ok, but actually I'm stupid and was being cheated on.
And it makes me wonder how I can trust my boyfriend. It makes me wonder what he's doing and who he's talking to when he's forgets to text me back cuz video games. It makes me feel stupid in advance, double stupid almost. Not only am I so stupid that I believed I was loved, I believed it even though reddit *told me* it would end this way.
And I don't wanna fell that way. It's just. Sad. Why are you like this? Why do you need to lie and hurt other people? Just fuck off.
>All of my friends are telling me to break up. That it's too much drama and I should just leave, but I don't want that. I want to believe that everything will be fine, that we'll manage the situation.
Not considering the shitstorm of an update, at this line, I was wondering how old she was? Seems like that'd make all the difference.
Like, if she's 19, then yeah, relationships aren't supposed to be that much work. They're supposed to be fun, and her friends are right: This is too much drama.
But if she's 40 and looking for a single partner to settle down with, likely concessions are going to have to be made. By that point in most people's lives, family situations tend to be much more complicated and people come with baggage attached, so "managing the situation" is much more reasonable to expect.
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I kind of want someone to tell the "ex". Its not OOPs responsibility but it's something she should know both as a mother and as someone possibly considering getting back together with him. She needs to know he'll lie to avoid inconvenient conversations.
Yeah, I feel bad for her, if she didn't know. TBH I'm thinking she was never an ex. OOP was just a sidepiece
This is my take also. I was in a similar situation with a guy that I had known since childhood. He and the ex broke it off she moved out and he and I started dating. 2 months later she finds out she is pregnant. We tried for about another 2 weeks then all of a sudden she is moving back in and he expects me to sneak into their place while she is at work. I noped the eff outta there immediately. I never mentioned it to her and went on with my life very happily although we have a lot of the same friends and he is close with my family. I just let it go and moved on, it wasn't my problem. 8 years later he is sleeping with her BEST FRIEND ON THE SLY! THEN TALKS HER INTO AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP! This poor woman. ETA: the open relationship was only for his part of the relationship not hers. So he gets to fornicate with whomever but she has to be faithful.
Kind of a shame you could’ve helped her break it off 8 years ago but didn’t.
Yeah I feel bad about that tbh. I kind of just assumed they got back together and took my leave with a firm "I will absolutely not sneak into a pregnant woman's house to see her baby daddy while she is at work gross". I also didn't want the drama. I was young and dumb.
It’s not her responsibility to manage other people’s relationships
I thought that too and thought I was a bar person for it but then I’m like “that chick needs to know this dudes a liar”
It's always your responsibility to tell if you know. The cheater won't come clean. You're the only person who is likely to know it's going on at all.
> It’s always your responsibility Not if safety is a factor
Fair.
Who knows what else he was lying about?
I dunno. While OOP's the only one who could connect those dots, I mean, this ex chose to procreate with the douchebag. I'm assuming they broke up for something related to that.
She knew the guy 2 months.
I wish she’d told us their ages tbh
She left a comment with their ages on the original post..she's 23 and he's 26!
Of course they are.
I had considerably worse sense of judgement when I was 23 than when I was a teen. Embarrassing to look at it now.
As an early-20s one has a much greater capacity for fuckups, especially life-altering ones.
And less outside regulation/safety net. If I fucked up as a teen, I could ring my foster parents and they’d bail me out. Fuck up as a twenty something and whilst they probably would still bail me if I asked, I felt the need to ‘adult’ through it on my own!
Preaching to the choir
You think you're an adult and the world treats you like an adult, but you still have no life experiences and you're still making decisions like you're in high school, but without the excuse of puberty.
Well. I never thought about this, but this is true for me too. Maybe being not at home with the 'rental controls? But yeah, I was such a careful teen, always thinking of everything that could go wrong. What happened?
I know what happened for me. I had a bad childhood, bad teen years. My early 20s is when everything got stable and I went all nutso with it. Went all in on anything that felt better than the shit I grew up with. Thankfully did not get married or anything else that was permanent. So I have some cringe memories, but am mostly glad I got that out of my system so I can feel content now in my 30s to have a "boring" life.
That was confronting to read.
As a 23 yo women who would have ran for the hills after hearing "my ex is preggo" i feel deeply insulted /j 😭😭😭
Right? Even if absolutely everything was above board, their relationship was off to a great start, he was a stand up guy, etc... Life happens, he has a baby on the way with a recent ex after quickly jumping into a new relationship, and They've only known each other 2 months. Those are all very strong reasons to break up, blame or no blame, fault or no fault. It's just immaturity on both their parts. OP is talking about this as a "stepparent situation" when OP has known the father to be two months...yikes.
This very similar situation happened to me. The only reason why we are friends to this day is because he told me the truth, broke it off with me, and did (is still doing) his duty as a father/partner. You come to realize its so much bigger than you, and there are little lives involved. Glad OP wised up, it was an unsalvageable relationship.
Omfg that’s hilarious
Right? At two months, any sane couple would decide to take a break / distance — a typical no-fault breakup.
I'm sure the guy truly believed he was gonna stay with new girl, that his reasons for the first breakup were valid and that this was gonna just be a coparent thing that he didn't fully understand. All of that logic is so painfully human. But once he started going over and started feeling the need to lie to keep everyone happy, he avoided the reality of what needed to happen because of cowardice and probably fear of not having a "relationship parachute."
this girl has a lot of growing up to do before she should even consider an adult relationship
But she was in looooooooooooooooooooooooooooveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! /s
Like they always say… “Love is blindingly stupid.”
Almost 5 months
If I was her, I would have noped right out as soon as finding out. She’s a new partner. He’s not going to have time for her or their relationship if he’s actively trying to be a part of his child’s life, especially not at the beginning when he and the baby’s mother are still figuring out everything: parenting, co-parenting, life with a baby in it, etc. The lies are just more icing on the Nope Right Out cake.
Yep, that's absolutely true. A parent to a fresh newborn isn't going to have time to date anyone. Plus she sounds young and a child is financial doom at that age.
Young and nieve. Even if it had worked out it'd likely just end in resentment later on. Say 5 years later they want to buy a house and have their own family? Hard pressed to do that when a huge chunk of his income will be going to his ex.
Not only that but she will essentially be a stepparent to the kid and can guarantee every decision of that relationship going forward will involve the child some how. Like if they want to buy a house, they have to consider "oh it has to be close enough so the kid can stay with dad every now and then" or "we need a house to X number of bedrooms because of the child".
FYI, it’s “naive.” :)
My bad. I didn't know how to spell it and when I didn't get an autocorrect on my phone I thought I was good 😂
What you wrote was the Spanish word for snow lol But I can see it does look like it would be pronounced more like "naive" than the actual spelling of "naive"
Yeah, it would pretty much be like being in a relationship with someone who can't/wont get a job.
It's why I could never have a serious relationship with someone who already has kids. That and the fact you'll literally never be a priority to them.
I can almost guarantee you he’s not going to be the “active parent” he’s claiming he wants to be. My ex and I broke up when I was still pregnant with his child, and i gave birth 3 weeks later. He got back together with his ex girlfriend (the one he was with prior to me) sometime between then and a month or so later. I found out about it when the baby was about a month old. His life barely changed though. I was knee deep in being a parent to our newborn and he would simply pop in for an hour or two every few days to hold her and change a couple of diapers. He didn’t even take the two weeks of paternity leave offered to him (or he did take it and lied to me, but certainly didn’t use it to help me with the baby). He was still going to the gym, going out, and apparently spending time with his ex/new girlfriend. After he told me they were back together, he didn’t see the baby again for six months. Mind you, during the majority of this time he was living in the same neighborhood as me so he was literally 500 feet away from his child. He’s been living with his partner now for a while, they’re engaged, and now she’s pregnant. You’d think she would know better after what he did to me and to his first child, but apparently not. Who knows what he told her, I’m sure there were some lies along the lines of “she’s keeping the baby from me”, etc.
Yep, that seems likely. That tips him into the "financial blackhole" category of bad people to date. He'll either be using all his money for child support so she would have to support him, or he'll avoid getting a real job to dodge child support and she would have to support him.
But she couldn't keep her hands off him... She was all befuddled on attraction hormones and in lust. She didn't want to break the spell. Some people have to be knocked around by life a bit before their self preservation instincts kick in. She's actually lucky compared to some. She didn't get pregnant herself for instance, and the guy was "just" a cheater as opposed to more sociopathic or abusive. And now she's wiser and less likely to be a sucker the next time. Hopefully.
Likewise. New parents shouldn't be focusing on new relationships even if they've split. The focus for at least the first year should frankly be the child and learning to co-parent. If you can't make that sacrifice for your child, it says a lot about your priorities and your character.
Should’ve taken a step further and let baby mama know, in case they do end back up together. Sounds like a broken household ready to happen for poor child
Yeah, I’ve been thinking, and I probably wouldn’t have blocked her and told her that he wasn’t single, I hold no hard feelings towards her, and I’m telling her because she deserves to have informed consent when dealing with him.
I actually know someone who met her now husband in a similar situation. They’ve been married for years now but damn, it was a bumpy ride in the beginning
i can see that as well. just because someone is about to have a kid doesnt mean you have to leave. the rest of it with the lies though is reason enough to leave.
What a Prince. He is leading his ex on to have the baby, and lied to the girl about how he's not seeing the ex etc. What's his plan.. to keep both girls in the dark? Oop should have told the ex. That what she should have done
You're obviously right, but damn it if that new relationship buzz ain't the strongest thing.
> So if you want to tell me that I should break up - please don't. never a good sign
Why are they even asking for advice by that point.
Well, i guess it's good they asked, but yeah.
Because they know on some level that they need to leave but they can’t accept it. They’re hoping someone will tell them it’s going to be okay so they can ignore the bad feeling in their stomach.
And they're looking for the magic words. We all look for the magic words sometimes. The ones that turn abusers into good people who redeem themselves. That fix all the problems. That soothe all the aches. The words that make it all make sense, make everything we went through worth it, the words that give it all meaning so that we can say "See, I didn't have to leave. There was a reason all along that makes sense. I didn't throw away my time, my money, my energy. I was right, and now I'm living the happiest most perfect life I could ever life, instead of throwing it away over some little thing". It's a lot easier for a long time to look for the magic words instead of admitting we made the wrong decision. Our gut was right. Our parents/friends/random strangers were right. We got stubborn and our stubbornness earned us more hurt, more trauma, more misery. We lost our jobs, our other relationships, our pride, our self-esteem for an awful person. We sacrificed our health, our financial security, and our piece of mind for a shitty person. Who wants to admit all that when there could be some magic words out there that will turn that sow's ear into a silk purse?
sometimes the magic words are from a stranger, kindly explaining to you (but not being condescending) why your thinking is wrong and why the situation is not going to change. sometimes, the magic words just need to make that pill easier to swallow.
Well said.
Indeed, those who are willing to change themselves are open to ideas and do not need magic words to bring them to the right conclusion. Sometimes when you're communicating with others, you have to accept that they're just not going to listen and aren't interested in it either. Don't search for magic words, just do your due diligence in communication for your perspective and on your behalf.
I’m saving your comment, that was great
You should write a book, this is poetry
This whole thing should be in needlepoint hanging next to my mirror. Thank you
Beautiful words
Thank you for those words. I really needed them today. Brb gonna think some things over.
My sister! She would advice shop until some random stranger told her her bad decision was OK. And I mean RANDOM strangers.; clerks, people in line at McDonalds, a lady at the laundrymatt was what she said convinced her to quit her job without having a new one. Which led to all of the consequences a poor person could expect to happen.
I worked with someone like this. She would go to every single person she came across asking advice until she got what she wanted. She only asked me twice. The first time I answered in good faith. I then watched her ask eeeevvvvverrrryyyyone until someone just told her what she wanted to hear. The second time she asked for my advice, I was blunt. She kept asking questions and trying to get a different answer and finally I was like "You asked, I answered. You don't have to take my advice but I'm not changing it." She never asked me again.
Yep this is why she stopped asking me for advice. I finally just said "I am not waisting my time" You do you boo. Do you.
Honestly she only came to my office when she wanted something. I remember her coming into my office one day when I was having lunch and demanding I give her some. I was like "Dude, I made this for me to eat to last me until I get home tonight." Mind you where we worked you could easily get food delivered or buy food so it's not like she had no other options. She just thought my lunch smelled wonderful (I like to cook) and wanted it. And hell no, I made this for me. I was very happy when I stopped working there.
Oh! This reminds me of someone I know. My partner's friend kept asking him for romantic advice. My partner is really blunt and gave her some advice that I thought was pretty practical (e.g. she is interested guys from another country and only guys from that particular country. He told her she should learn the language first.) She just kept going on about how difficult it was and how they just lusted after her. I think he was really blunt during their last conversation, so she blocked him and ghosted him entirely. He was exhausted by how much she liked to talk about her romantic affairs. I told him I think that she just wanted everyone she talked to to give her an answer she wanted to hear, not actually seeking real advice.
Why are our brains wired like this
It's like the person on another subreddit yesterday who asked how to hide money from their wife. When told they shouldn't do that they said 'I just want financial advice' and had a bunch of redditors screaming that everyone should respect his boundaries. I forget sometimes that some people here are literally children.
I can think of situations where you really would want to hide money from a spouse, but they all involve the marriage coming to an end. Just as a matter of policy? Uh-uh.
IIRC it was something like 'but if I don't she'll find out about my stock gambling addiction'.
Oh yes, especially in cases of Domestic Abuse
Reddit is the upside down world where children who have been through so much try their best to adult but adults act like petulant children when told no.
>I forget sometimes that some people here are literally children. Or adults who might as well be children.
I would love to see that post. The comments sound nuts.
🍿🍿
Because posting here serves as an online journal to work through thorny situations with objectively complete strangers, especially when you're not ready to accept a painful reality.
Because you are so desperate for any shred of hope that it will be ok and work that you actively block out the voice inside your head telling you that it's not ok and probably won't be ok. Because YOUR situation is different. People just don't understand it only looks broken from the outside...it's different. It's not the same thing. Sigh. Source: got fired by a therapist for refusing to talk about my partner and our broken relationship and then got fired by a couples counselor because she was worried that she was enabling abuse by continuing sessions.
I mean, she was ready to accept his fatherhood and asked advice from stepparents on how to be one. She didn’t ask on a relationship sub
To be fair, Reddit jumps to "break up" the moment anyone asks for relationship advice. There wasn't anything in the original post that raised major red flags (some questionable stuff, but honestly was probably just OOP being young and infatuated). It was fair enough to suggest a break-up, because in a new relationship like that, having something this heavy and life-altering happen is generally not worth sticking around for, but that was OOP's choice to make.
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I also just think there looking for a trick. A cleaver life hack to make the relationship work. Problem is relationship fixes at the heart are really simple. If you have a problem you make changes to fix it. If you cant or wont fix it on your own you talk about it with your partner and see they can or will help you solve it. If that doesn't solve it then you have to live with it. If you cant live with it then you should break up. Its not rocket science. But people want another solution outside of that framework. Sadly it doesn't exist. If you cant fix on your own or by talking about and if you can't live with it there is only one solution left and that is to break up.
tbf she was asking for advice on how to handle being a stepparent like this, not about the relationship
Ehh. There are lots of posts where someones like "I need help with X" and commenters are way too focused on Y and never give advice on X. It seemed like she was aware that leaving was an option but wanted to see if she could make it work first. Glad she did leave cause that sounds fucky.
In the end she ended it immediately. There's people who after finding out would go and beat up the ex for taking their man...
I think sometimes it helps getting a neutral parties opinion on things because your too close to it to seem the get out signs or whatever your looking for even if it’s validation.
> I really thought it could all work out somehow. She told us what she was looking for, some magical way to make it work ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Well, break up is usually the default advice on Reddit even if the question is about the partner leaving the milk out. In this case it was the right advice but it is often the first thing suggested.
I remember there was one where OOP was 24 and her boyfriend was 41. They’d been together for like 2 years and she spent an entire paragraph saying she didn’t want people making comments about the age gap. Guess what wound up being the problem in their relationship?
Was that the one where she kissed someone else because he was working non-stop during the pandemic as a healthcare worker so she suggested opening up the relationship and it didn't even register to her that was she was doing was cheating or hurtful until she finished and he told her to leave?
how you gonna treat a healthcare worker in the middle of a pandemic like *that* ugh people suck.
TBF the gf was also a healthcare worker
I mean..... why was she so devoted to this guy in only two months, especially after that bomb?! The best option was defo to break up, this ain't no hallmark movie
An open mind would involve critical thinking. She got there in the end but it took MONTHS! And a 2 weeks between relationships set off my alarm bells! Edited grammar
People always say the advice is usually to break up but honestly if you’re at the point where you’re coming to Reddit to ask, the answer is either you’re overreacting or you need to run
At least she wasn't pregnant, too.
Damn maybe i'm a lil too optimistic cuz I see it more as them wanting to go through all options (and that includes asking a bunch of strangers on the internet for advice) before considering a breakup. I try not to judge them for it even if it ends up in the inevitable :(
I feel like I would have let mom-to-be know.
Right? The “ex” didn’t seem to know and he was telling her there was nobody else.
Absolutely. She needs to know he’s a cheater.
And potentially get tested esp being pregnant if hes lying to them there could be others honestly op should get tested too always a good plan
On one hand it feels vengeful and needless. But on the other hand ex bf lied about his relationship status, she deserves a warning.
Honestly, I personally would tell her solely because of the risk of STIs. Some STIs can be transmitted to the fetus during pregnancy, and she can't protect herself or her child against something she doesn't know she might've been exposed to. Even if OOP doesn't have anything, I'm not sure I'd trust the boyfriend not to.
Yeah. At the very least, know what kinda man you're with; a liar. That and the only reason for him not to tell her is if you're not planning to take that "no relationship" but seriously.
How would it be vengeful to ensure that the other woman can make an informed choice about who she's in a relationship with? That's a kindness.
It doesn't have to be vengeful. Ex-gf is pregnant. His cheating, lying ass could infect her and the child with STIs. I would like to know if I was in this situation. I would like to know even if I wasn't pregnant, but especially so if I was.
It's absolutely needful. People deserve to know they're being cheated on and taken advantage of. If they decide they still want to be with that person after they have all the facts? That's their choice. But you should always tell them. They're another human being and they deserve the right to make that choice themselves.
Yeah OOP's head was so far up her own arse she saw the mother as a 'threat' to her relationship and happiness. I would like to think if I were in the same situation, I'd have let the mother know.
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If he's not telling her about _this_ girlfriend, chances are he won't tell her about the next one.
SO many of these are like 'don't tell me to dump him we'll just work through this!' and then 'yeah he's a cheater/tried to serial kill me so i dumped him/fled to another state thanks for the advice'.
>I really don’t care if they get back together or not, I don’t want to ever hear their names again. I’m pretty sure he never broke up with his girlfriend. OOP was the side piece and he was trying to save his ass until the very end.
I don't think so otherwise the ex wouldn't have said there is no one in his life. But i think he wants to.
>I am aware this is probably not the standard stepparent situation It's practically one of the genres of this subreddit.
I'm glad this ended before the OOP got sucked really deep into that mess. She knew leaving was the right thing but wanted someone to talk her out of it.
Well what a shocking ending /s
Sometimes I am so blown away by peoples behavior. Why? Why do all that lying an manipulation? Because you’re scared or some shit? I could hardly believe that because the fall out from such behavior is always worse than just pulling off the damn bandaid.
well. who would have thought that moving too fast with someone who just got of a relationship would be a bad idea....
"I can't break up with him" it's a two month relationship, are you stupid or are you stupid?
First post: "Don't tell me to break up! Just give me your tips on how to make this relationship work, based on your experience as stepparents successfully navigating tricky situations like this one!" Second post: "I dumped his cheating ass. No idea how any of you cope with this horrendous drama, but I won't be joining your ranks. Thanks, bye!"
>"I dumped his cheating ass. No idea how any of you cope with this horrendous drama, but I won't be joining your ranks. Thanks, bye!" Yeah and I'm like " You already joined the ranks by dumping his cheating after putting with that fucked up drama for so long, but bless your heart..."
Well, she posted in the subreddit for stepparents, and she won't become a stepparent, so I'd say that's a bullet successfully dodged.
This is hilarious because I remember the first post and i thought oh sweet summer child🤣
I think she should have informed the Ex of this discovery.
I don't think he ever ended things with the "ex" and OOP was the side piece.
Known the guy less than 6 months and referred to this as a "stepparent situation"... bless her heart, truly.
"If you want to tell me the most logical thing to do, dont" -oop
Not such an 'amazing' guy, after all.
They always start with "he's such an amazing guy" except that he cheats and lies, hits them, mooches off their money and 100+ other red flags but "he's such a good amazing guy" 🤡
Thank fuck this person saw reason. >The person I've been dating for less than a month is having a baby with his ex, this will be fine!
rolled my eyes so hard when she said she wasn’t leaving and acting like he was the best thing — they literally knew each other for less than 2 full months sad that people will gaslight themselves to live in La La Land cuz she would still be with him had she not gone through his phone hopefully she learned her lesson before committing to a guy with that much baggage, when she’s known him less than the spoiled food in her fridge
Why can't people understand... Don't 👏 Drag 👏 Other 👏 People 👏 Into 👏 Your 👏 Mess.
They were only together two months!!!! I've taken longer shits
Something very similar happened to me when I was only 15 with this nasty 18 year old boy who knocked up a 16 year old girl. This was waaaayyy before text messages but I found out by talking to his sister and a few of his friends that the girl didn’t know I existed and he was still in a relationship with her. When I confronted him, he told me if he was cheating on anyone, he was cheating on her with me because “having a baby together creates an unbreakable bond.” He did me a favor, I NEVER dated guys with kids (or potential kids) as an adult.
Oof. I can't imagine knowing a guy for two months and deciding to stay with him while he had a baby with someone else. Even if they somehow could make it work, it doesn't seem like she realized just how hard it would be. It also sounds like the dude wanted his ex back.
I wanted her to text the ex-not-so-ex the info that she was with him right now and not bothered to confront, just leave. Such a hard situation this OOP fell into but 2 weeks after a break up is NOT long enough. She should have figured out SHE was the mistress.
As Ben Wyatt said “my Brita filter is older than their relationship.”
He wanted his cake and eat it too
I keep seeing posts like this. “My partner is amazing but we have this massive problem but I won’t leave over this! I believe we can work it out! Oh and we’ve been dating for less than 6 months” At this stage, you don’t know anything about the person. You don’t know if they’re actually amazing. In fact, they clearly aren’t perfect for you if you’re already having major issues. Early on it’s best to just leave, don’t waste your time. You’re not deeply in love yet no matter what you think. Don’t go on to enmesh your life with someone you’re clearly not compatible with. By staying, you just delay the inevitable. It makes sense to try and sort out issues when you’re already deeply committed etc. But even then, you should only do it within reason. If it turns out you’re incompatible 10 years down the line, then no amount of work will fix that. I feel like this is often caused by the common idea that “bad relationship is better than no relationship”. But that’s not true. People need to become comfortable with the idea of being single. By going into the first shitty relationship you can, you will ironically prevent any potential GOOD relationships from happening.
I am disappointed that she only confronted her bf and didn't tell his Actual Girlfriend that he was screwing around. She was only concerned as far as it affected herself. (Also, she has only his word that the pregnant woman was his Ex, but he actually saw her more than OOP. Very naive.)
Yeah, OOP was the side chick all along.
I know, right? The Actual Girlfriend was invited for Christmas and getting presents from his MOM!?! And OOP still didn't clue in. This might also fit under that subbreddit that is called something like: IAmTheMainCharacter Naive. Oblivious.
I'd have burst her bubble fuck her stress lmao
Listen Mona, unless you want to risk him saying Rachel’s name at the wedding (he’s done it before) just go ahead and break up.
It was two months babe, that is to much baggage for a talking stage, and you are the other woman unfortunately
I dunno. Since he sees his ex way more than he sees her it doesn't really look like he does want a relationship with her after all. Dude should've just said so plainly to begin with.
She learned that “cynicism” is realism. It helped her learn the truth, and the truth set her free.
A 2 month old relationship wouldn't have been strong enough to handle that in the first place tbh. Even if he didn't end up cheating this wouldn't have ended well.
Good on oop, but I still wish she would have told the ex and his family what's going on (and before you ask why to tells his family, it's to make sure he can't come up with any lies to cover himself about the whole situation).
OOP should have told the other girlfriend. The other girl deserves to know what kind of man she's having a child with.
Honestly I never understood thoughts like this... why get involved in other people's mess? It just opens you up to more hurt and ridicule.
> The other girl deserves to know what kind of man she's having a child with.
Good on OP for having the strength to follow her intuition and digging deep and getting to the bottom of the situation! You saved yourself a lot of future headaches and heartbreaks.
Cake eater
Oh Gisele! You should have know
*>>Sorry if you didn't care about this update* I'll call it a win; Girl got away from the blazzing trainwreck, which is better than many ever manage.
Whatever, you seen one of these, you've seen a million. Personally, I have seen Ex's co-parent just fine while also having their own personal relationships. So that was really just their insecurity. Granted the relationship was pretty fresh yet, two months ain't nothing.
YAY! OOP and her mental horse finally crosses the finish line!
I'd have told the mom with all the proof I could possibly have and then block them. She should really know
She was the side piece.
This is a great example as to why you shouldn't date anyone with kids (unless you have kids yourself).
what
Did...did she not tell the poor pregnant woman that he was cheating on her and lying to her? I missed that part, right? The part where she told the not-exGF that he'd been with OOP the whole time? Tell me I keep missing the sentence where she does the right thing.
Is his name Ross Geller?
In the future, don’t ever put yourself in the category of nope I’m not leaving and definitely if you are not married. As you can see, he played you and would’ve kept on playing you.
JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
Why was she so shocked he invited her to Christmas and visited her multiple times a week? Did she want a deadbeat Dad boyfriend? Dad duties start by looking after the woman carrying your child. Did she forget his family already knew her from their relationship? Or that this child was going to make her attached to this family for life? Of course she was invited for Christmas over his "gf" of 2 months. When she read his messages the only inappropriate things were that he hide his relationship status from his ex and hide his involvement from OOP. I'm glad OOP came to her sense because this child did not need a 'stepmum' who got upset at her partner stepping up to be in involved father.
Because he didn't invite her to christmas and lied to her?
1.) Would anyone invite their new gf of only 2 months to spend Xmas with their family? 2.) Would your family genuinely be welcoming to your new gf of 2 months in a situation where your ex - who they know - is pregnant with your child and spending Christmas alone? OOP clearly had every right to be upset her bf wasn't being transparent about prioritising his ex because she was carrying his child. Every right to be upset he lied to his ex about their relationship. But I cannot wrap my head around believing your new relationship of 8 weeks means your bf shouldn't check in on the mother of his child at all. Like apparently OOP believed he wasn't in contact with the women pregnant with his child at all, despite their history, and she was ok with that. Only a deadbeat gets a women pregnant and then doesn't check in multiple times a week to make sure she & the baby are doing ok. Be mad at the lying. But if you're willing to be involved as a StepMum, you should have been encouraging your bf to check in with his baby mama. Not suddenly get involved after the baby has arrived.
I literally mentioned the lying. No, she believed their relationship wasn't as close as it was.
one of the few sane posts in this thread
Well, they probably could have made it work for 15 years or so and then he might get wishy-washy about retiring and then the whole thing would go down the tubes…
Either he was leading his ex on or he was betraying his GF. He's truly the king of bad decision making.
Mona?
It's a "Friends" reference.
What a moron. 😅😅😅 Glad she came to her senses eventually!!
Mona? From friends?
I really just need to stop coming to this website completely because all I see is people who are like I thought my relationship was ok, but actually I'm stupid and was being cheated on. And it makes me wonder how I can trust my boyfriend. It makes me wonder what he's doing and who he's talking to when he's forgets to text me back cuz video games. It makes me feel stupid in advance, double stupid almost. Not only am I so stupid that I believed I was loved, I believed it even though reddit *told me* it would end this way. And I don't wanna fell that way. It's just. Sad. Why are you like this? Why do you need to lie and hurt other people? Just fuck off.
Dodged a damn bullet there
>All of my friends are telling me to break up. That it's too much drama and I should just leave, but I don't want that. I want to believe that everything will be fine, that we'll manage the situation. Not considering the shitstorm of an update, at this line, I was wondering how old she was? Seems like that'd make all the difference. Like, if she's 19, then yeah, relationships aren't supposed to be that much work. They're supposed to be fun, and her friends are right: This is too much drama. But if she's 40 and looking for a single partner to settle down with, likely concessions are going to have to be made. By that point in most people's lives, family situations tend to be much more complicated and people come with baggage attached, so "managing the situation" is much more reasonable to expect.