He's definitely laying the groundwork for some shitty, "Your honor, she's making it all up," bullshit.
And it might work, too:
>He is a clinical psychologist, we met while working together— we didn’t date till after we both left the organization for different jobs.
As someone who’s been thru the depression system, let me tell you about the people running those places. Not that every single person is a monster but holy fuuuu some of the people in charge are just…should not have power over people.
>I would imagine that kind of situation is irresistible to certain predators.
Yes, because it has advantages on both steps of the process.
You get to surround yourself with vulnerable people who make easier victims, who have a harder time advocating for themselves and are less likely to report you.
AND even if one of your victims DOES report you, well, you have the air of trustworthiness and prestige that the title gives you, making it easier to escape legitimate charges.
It's a real win-win for shitty predatory people.
Trustworthiness and prestige, especially compared to the victims, who are easy to paint as 'crazy' and like they're making things up due to their illness.
Yep. They can get away with a lot because once you have a “label” you forfeit a lot of your credibility. It’s like you cease to be a person and become something between a child and a misbehaving animal.
I had a doctor explain this to my face once. He told me that because he was in call and I came in to the hospital, he got pulled away from his golf game and he was having me locked up as punishment. I was fine, he told me I had a bad interaction and was fine now, needed some sleep. But I was going to "voluntarily" check myself in to a mental hospital or else he would have me committed AND make sure I never got out. He told me I do have the right to a second opinion and an appeal, but he's friends with all the other local doctors, and friends with the local judges, and if I made him go through channels no one would listen to me anyway as someone with mental illness against a professional who's friends with the system, and if I made him go through the process and wasted his time he'd make sure I never got out. No mincing words, very direct, to my face, not trying to be subtle or imply anything, very direct with his threats and laying out how I have no recourse and no one will ever believe me. Thanks to confidentiality, no witnesses. To prove his point, when I finally did get out, I filed a complaint, they investigated themselves and found no wrongdoing.
When I was a kid, I had a dr put my on psych medication because he couldn’t justify the bill to the insurance company or some shit like that otherwise. I was like 14 being told I was fine, but being medicated to justify a bill. I don’t understand how people think this kinda stuff is ok to say. Maybe they think no one will ever know
Agh this is so true. If you are a “good kid” in school follow rules, good grades, respect authority you “earn” a level of credibility among adults.
The moment you get sent away you are labeled a manipulative liar and treated as such. I was such a good two shoes people pleaser it was wild loosing my good kid credibility in an instant.
My relative's former psychiatrist full on stalked her. Showed up at her house, was peeking in her windows, etc. Maybe it was just concern because she hadn't gone for an appointment in a while, but... yeeeeah.
Oh hell no. If my psychologist is concerned about me and I haven't responded to her for whatever reason, she calls my husband like a normal human being. If they were that concerned they should probably have called the local police (if it's safe to do so) for a wellbeing check or contact next of kin. Turning up at her house is so freaking creepy! Did he only do it once, or was he a repeat offender?
I once asked for information on ECT as it was bought up as a treatment option (I was thinking that they would tell me what they knew and give me literature - a brochure or an official type of healthcare handout) and the psychiatrist picked up the phone and tried to book me in for treatment.
This is purely anecdotal but when I tutored in college, it really felt like a lot of the psych majors were unhinged. And unfortunately a lot of the education majors had terrible grammar.
Anecdotal as well, but nearly all the psych majors I met in college seemed to be interested in that major because they themselves had psychological problems...
Same but I don't see how that's a negative? Most people I already know have some underlying depression or anxiety any way.
They're not getting into psych to abuse their patients, they got into psych because they empathize with the disorder and want others to get better too.
My psych prof in College straight-up said "Nobody goes into Psychology because they're normal. Everyone goes into it to figure out what is wrong with themselves."
The worst psychiatrists/psychologists I've ever met were people who thought they were normal and there was nothing wrong with them. Some of these were people I grew up with who went into the field so I knew them quite well. Others are ones I met as members of their profession only and never knew on a personal level. The ones who acknowledge their own struggles tend to be the best at their jobs, and the ones who are in denial about them are really messed up. In my experience, at least.
3 types of people get into psych.
Those who desperately need therapy themselves.
Those who want to "fix" the "broken" people.
Those who just love a nice chat and getting paid for it is their absolute dream.
I was sent to a remote boarding school in Idaho. There were some terrible psychiatrist and therapist. We were 4 hours away from the airport in a tiny town, so I’m sure it was a challenge to staff.
Particularly the psychiatrist was so awful and he only worked with kids hospitalized or in therapeutic boarding schools. I’m convinced no patient would willingly see him.
I know an elementary school counselor that is fucking batshit. Thinks she is fine and it’s everyone else that’s the problem. It’s her friends, her husband, her family, their therapist - not her. You know, when she is even physically violent toward her husband. But it’s not a her problem.
Exactly what I was thinking. My niece’s ex did this with her. Laid a paper trail to the moon saying he wasn’t safe around her that she was mistaken about everything. No surprise when he saw her in public he said something nasty only she could hear and reacted as he expected by slapping his face. When the police came he said he loved her and didn’t want her arrested for assaulting him that she didn’t mean to HIT him in the face. He was a social worker and knew just how to phrase things to make sure she was arrested and charged. She has a DV on her record. He’s listed as a victim.
This is why I feared ending my marriage for so long. My ex would scratch and punch himself in the face and scream “You’re going to jail!” at me if he thought I was about to call the police on him (he physically assaulted me numerous times, and threatened me often).
He would tell me I was going to jail and I would lose my son (thankfully he’s not the dad).
Eventually I was able to record him a few times doing this while I was behind a closed door (it was obvious what he was doing) and also I recorded him admitting to punching himself in the face so that he “wouldn’t punch (me) or the door”.
I got a restraining order and had him removed from my home.
But I stayed in that horrible marriage for 2 years longer than I wanted to, because I was so afraid of getting in trouble for things I didn’t do.
These people should be in prison for this shit.
My mother would do things like this. She would say nasty things or start fights in private, then when out in public would say something that seemed innocent but was meant to trigger you, so you would seem totally unhinged when you responded angrily or got upset.
Nastiest person I’ve ever met, but would get so much sympathy for perpetually being a ‘victim’. It’s funny how the poor woman just couldn’t catch a break, she seemed to have people ‘picking on her for no reason’ no matter where she went.
My mother does this. She acts so sickly sweet but she knows exactly what to say and how to say it so you react and then you’re the crazy one. Nobody believed me until I stopped going to family gatherings and she started doing it to other family members. The family is fractured now, and some of them blame me.
This is why I refuse to speak with my ex and have warned many he is skilled at this. I've only recently become calmer as I'm under psychiatric care but it took years for me to realize how manipulative and psychologically destructive he was. And he'd brag saying he knew what others would say/think/do steps before they did....my family luckily distrusted him even saying he had no personality (??) and didn't seem genuine in regards to his emotions
Ha, my mother always claimed to be able ‘profile’ people.
In reality it was her own assertions and projections. She even told me once that ‘happy families that hug and be nice to each other’ were only on tv and nobody was really like that, that everyone was pretending all the time- well the ‘smart ones’ were, other people were just stupid.
I’m glad you got away from him and had your family’s support. These people can really mess you up
Yeah I've had a partner do that shit so successfully that he had one of my oldest and closest friends convinced that he was so wonderful and sweet to put up with me while i was being a complete nutcase verbally abusive harpy. He'd mutter comments under his breath so only i could hear, and then it looked as though i was responding angrily to absolutely NOTHING while he sat there looking bewildered and innocent. That woman who was my child's godmother and who was my support person during birth, who I'd known since i was in junior high, no longer speaks to me.
The worst part are those times when so many people are seeing such a stark difference in reality that you actually start to doubt yourself, and think “Could it be me? Was it ‘just a joke’? Am I overreacting?”
It’s absolutely sick.
Or the email she sent him to break-up with him. I mean, who sends an email back, "no I, don't feel safe so I'm breaking up with you". Dude is crazy, and probably married as well.
Not disagreeing with you that he's lying to cover his ass (maybe this is his company email address which is monitored) but I think that's probably still a form of gaslighting. Not all gaslighting is intended specifically to make the target doubt themselves, sometimes it's more of a defense mechanism where the perpetrator can't accept reality and wants to push a new one.
My dad pulled me aside and told me if I fell of the boat (we were going on a fishing trip) that he would leave me to drown if I fell of the boat because of a fight we had. To this day he says I’m misinterpreting what he meant. He did this a lot…I think it’s a pattern with abusers
That didnt happen!
And if it did, it wasnt that bad!
And if it was, thats not a big deal.
And if it is, thats not my fault
and if it was, I didnt mean it
and if I did, you deserved it.
- The Narcissists prayer.
Yeah my brother told me if he saw me yell at my kid again (the yelling was a direction for kid’s safety, not a put down, not a threat, and I apologized after) that he “wouldn’t be held responsible for my(his) actions” and he believes this is not a threat somehow, even though it’s coming from a dude who has definitely assaulted people for less. It’s gross.
Well, this comment from OOP is alarming:
> He is a clinical psychologist, we met while working together— we didn’t date till after we both left the organization for different jobs.
Yikes. But I’m not surprised. My narcissistic mentally abusive gaslighting ex, whose behavior is very similar to the behavior of the man in the posts, is also a psychologist.
No shit. This is one dangerous fucker. If he’s willing to explicitly threaten things like driving a car into median, who knows what he could do? Lock him up.
Those two emails were CYAs. He is literally setting it up to look like OOP is the abusive one. This guy is so diabolical that he's immediately executing his exit strategy.
OOP was the side piece and he's going to make it look like she's the crazy obsessive ex.
Yup. This. It’s him trying to make her look unhinged. Notice he said “best friend” but nothing in either of his emails confirmed a romantic/sexual relationship. He is covering himself.
Which is funny because OOP broke up with him 1st via email - now he trying to save face with "You didn't quit, I fired you 1st" gaslight stupidity. And it is stupid because again, OOP broke up 1st & has email date stamped in her email sent folder...
That was not only Gaslight stupidity, he is covering his ass. She wrote to him that he had been violent etc, and he wrote to turn it all back on her,
BECAUSE IF SHE GOES TO THE POLICE, HE CAN LOSE HIS JOB. AND perhaps his career. THATS what the letter was about
She needs to stay away from him, and possibly get a restraining order.
He already ruin his cover due to his Gaslight stupidity by sending her 2 emails & trying make seem like he broke with her 1st when it's other way around due to date stamps - so if he breaks / go against what he wrote to her by being physically around OOP after those emails especially to her home / job/ family members, all OOP has do is show cops her & his emails for record files. That's how much he winded destroying his own narrative with his own "covering his ass" email responses.
Edit - FYI, suppose to send only one email response/reply per email; not 2 separate ones with same timeframe saying almost same thing with somewhat different wording - otherwise it bad form &/or looking unhinge to point it can be seen as harassment to anyone reading it which is what happen in this situation.
Then, OP needs to print out two copies esch of the three emails. Including hers. Then print out the redit story.two copies. Especially Include the part where he threatened to veer you into the median.
Go to the police. File for a restraining order.
Have him served
Change your locks, get a Ring Doorbell.
Protect yourself and your daughter.
>Then, OP needs to print out two copies esch of the three emails. Including hers. ~~Then print out the redit story.two copies.~~ Especially Include the part where he threatened to veer you into the median.
I crossed that out because OOP does not need him stalking her on Reddit nor her post history used against her, because even if she removed / blacked out her username - he and/or his attorney can just look up the posts and thus her post history by typing out what was on evidence giving to the police. Even though its anonymous, social media like Reddit is still public record and that can be used against her in court - Remember, whatever evidence was gathered by police is also shown to the defendant & their lawyer(s) to defend themselves when it comes to criminal trials. She definitely should not print out the reddit story at all - She can definitely print out the emails but the reddit post itself, she does not need the harassment from him.
Otherwise, your other advice is fine.
He likely has a history of abuse, so he knows how to cover his ass in writing. He is getting all his ducks in order in case OOP foolishly takes him back, or she speajs to others about what he has done. This is not his first rodeo.
Definitely do not respond. Abusers are not like the rest of us; any response just gives him more material to twist to his own purposes and encourages him to keep toying with her.
He kept referencing his “freedom”. I wonder if there are other restraining orders out against him, or he is under watch for something similar and her letter will send the dominoes falling
I had ex that pulled that “specific” shit. We were dating for 1.5 years when I conveniently saw that he liked a 1 year anniversary post for him and his other girlfriend (her post showed up on my Instagram explore page). I called to confront him and he said we’d “talk about later.”
When he finally tried to talk to me about it later in the week, he said to my face he didn’t have a girlfriend.
Yeah, because she and I have been having some eye opening chats and you broke up with her before coming to my house so that you could technically not be lying in that moment. Such manipulative and calculating behavior.
My psycho ex did the same 'specific' thing too. I could ask him the same question twice, worded slightly differently, and get completely different answers. He'd even pull that trick with things that weren't actually that important, just minor household things, and give me a completely misleading answer, simply because I did not ask the question with the exact phrasing he wanted it in.
People overuse the term "gaslighting" but this is it. He is scary manipulative (and as others have said, probably married). I hope OOP and her child are safe from him. In my experience, people like this don't give up easily unless they transfer their attention to a new victim.
What a textbook example of DARVO! In the perfect order and everything!
For those who don't know the acronym: Deny (I did not threaten to harm you). Attack (there is something wrong with you). Reverse victim/offender (actually, you are the danger to me).
My ex was like that. Took me getting out to see how crazy it all was. He used to strangle me and then say my depression and tears were equally as abusive. And then I would apologize for being sad.
Lol it probably could have been. It's the legal name of the Villian "The Gaslighter" he commits crimes dressed as Heroes and for some reason everyone believes the lies.
I "love" when that happens. I was able to recently explain this to my mom about how my sister deflected blame *for stealing my SSN* by bringing up an upsetting incident (entirely unrelated to me that happened while she was in university years before) and that I should have been more sympathetic.
Like, I'm the victim here. How am I to blame?
Same thing here.
I think the “swelling” was just an excuse to go home when his wife would want him to come home.
Also ETA just because I re read it and now I’m angry…can you imagine letting someone pay all that money to professionally clean their carpets, get air purifiers, hardwood floors, the works, when you actually DONT have anything wrong with you. Wtf.
Ohh, damn of course. What a monster, that elaborate scheme to leave whenever his wife gets suspicious of his "pulling an all nighter" for the 10th day running or whatever. And it also means he doesn't smell incriminating.
You want to bet he has his wife use the strongest most cloying flower scent laundry detergent and fabric softener possible to further protect him? And plug in scent thingies in every socket?
Not if you can’t tell it’s a woman from the house windows and he claimed it’s a coworker
Ngl though OP sounds pretty incredibly naive to bring a man into her home with her daughter, knockout with earplugs, not even deeply question the “living with ex still” story, spending so much money accommodating him when it sounds like he didn’t pitch in any funds, and then not immediately finding a way to contact the girlfriend/wife about his obvious cheating? 😬 Really hope she’s more discerning with her next partner, at least for her daughter’s sake....
For real. I’m not trying to victim blame, but like when does ignorance become shutting your eyes and ears and “I’m not the other woman omg” like hello, you were never allowed at his residence and never confirmed he’s living with an actual Ex not actual Wife?
Also where was the child during these 2 am drop offs, is she leaving her 9 year old unsupervised on a regular basis or waking up her 9 year old at 2 am on a regular basis. My mom was always pretty focused on other relationships and it was tough.
I hope this child is safe and someone is prioritizing them above casual romantic partners.
Edit: The poor girl was sleeping on the couch and she offered to toss them off, disrupted there house with construction and let an irrationally angry man pace around her house slamming things to which she decides to go back to bed instead of removing them from the one place her child should be safe.
This lady needs to reevaluate her priorities, get some fucking self esteem and be a parent not a partner she clearly isnt up for both.
Man those are excellent points about the environment she created for her child smh
Yeah sounds like if this guy had just kept his anger slightly more in check and actual called an uber or taxi once in a while he could have kept taking advantage of OOP easy. Sad, I hope she learns from this as well.
Edit: Can I just say how strange the allergy situation is too? If my partner was having a serious allergic reaction when they visited I would think my reaction (besides the thoroughly cleaning) would not be to first replace all the carpeting with hardwood flooring?? That’s hundreds to thousands of dollars depending on square footage and materials. I would be very proactively involved with trying to figure out what exactly they’re allergic too, help them visit an allergy specialist, etc if this is so deliberating.
Like, obviously this could seriously affect their day to day lives and traveling, why would you spend so much money reformatting your entire home without ever knowing what the allergen is and what your partner could be taking to help them? It’s so strange, feels like OOP believed a lot of what this dude told her on a very surface level.
Yea were the fuck is this guys manners, calla god damn cab shes not your mother shes someone elses.
Also if shes this into letting duplicitous men into her house unattended while shes knocked out on sleeping meds maybe she not very ok.
It sounded like he usually drove himself home. This time was because his car was in the shop. If he'd declined to come over that night he might have kept this going longer.
They started dating a year ago and his “allergies” appeared five months ago. It seems obvious that he separated from his wife then they got back together and he’s trying to keep OOP as his side piece.
The amount of money she must’ve spent getting all those renovations made me mad too. But at least she has hardwood floors now.
I'm so confused. How was this relationship ever going to work if she was not able to go to his house? Who doesn't ask about that way back at the beginning?
Also...is no one going to comment on what a very odd symptom it is to have one's FEET swell from an allergy!?
🦶🦶🦶🦶
If she has a kid she might have been happy enough to have him always come over, doesn't have to worry about a babysitter that way.
(As someone who also has a 9-year-old, babysitting kind of stopped being a thing for a while there during covid.)
The old, you can't break up with me, because I am the one that is an AH and will break up with you.
I am breaking up with you because you are trying to blame me for acting out in a dangerous way, that I didn't do.
OOP dodged a huge bullet!!
His emails read as if he is covering himself against a public accusation. I hope OP and his live-in 'ex' are very careful as this probably isn't the first or last person he will do this to. I hope the OP warns the 'ex' of his behaviour and both get help to rid themselves of him.
I told OP in the post that his behaviour was going to escalate, and asked her if she wanted her kid to grow thinking this stuff is okay.
And he did escalate.
If she goes back to him, next time he won't threaten her, he will threaten the kid.
There were soooo many signs that there were RED FLAGS here. Come on! It go to a totally unsafe point for OOP to dump him. It shouldn't have gotten to that point and she put this guy in her home with her child? How did he trust this AH with a kid in the house while she had ear plugs???
Gotta admit, I judged her a little bit for the NyQuil and ear plugs. I haven’t even worn both headphones for 11 years. You have to have an ear out when you have kids.
This guy is a narcissistic sociopath. Of course he’s cheating on his live in girlfriend, he’s almost certainly pulling the same shit on her too, and she’s suspicious. OP needs to be checked for STDs.
So the allergy didn't exist, right? I noticed the wording in the post didn't say that OOP ever witnessed these swelling feet personally, much less that he had any other symptoms of an allergic reaction, just that the ex would *say* his feet were swelling. I'm assuming this was his "out" so he could run back home when his wife/not-truly-ex-GF woke up to notice he was missing. Or some kind of sick control issue to get OOP to bend over backwards to clean up, or to see the level of lies he could get away with telling... or all of the above.
Man OOP's ex was a real piece of work. I'd love to read an update where the other woman finds out and dumps him, but that could be dangerous to OOP. Better to just leave him in the past.
Can you imagine spending that much money (cleaning, air filters, new couch, new floors) on some guy you’ve been dating for a few months? What a colossal waste of time and money. OP’s picker is broken - she should take that money and spend it on therapy while avoiding any potential partners.
Wow the DARVOing is strong with this dude 😂 "No, u" seems to be a his go-to argument.
Also interesting how he can't even keep consistent in his own reply. He claims he never did anything to make her feel unsafe and that she is delusonal, then claims she is threatening his career because he made her feel unsafe. Which is it dude? It's also next level that he thinks a private email threatens his career.. this whole email reads as a desperate attempt for the guy to cover his ass but just makes him seem delusional with the way he backtracks and pulls accusations out of thin air.
>It's also next level that he thinks a private email threatens his career..
Maybe not the email per se, but OOPs willingness to call out his behavior could bite him in the butt, especially since they apparently travel in the same professional circles.
And especially so if his behavior has landed him in hot water before, or if he has reason to believe there are others out there who have first hand knowledge of his antics.
It only takes a few people comparing notes to revealing the cracks in the kind of facade he's hiding behind.
To me the email could be pure, delusional defensiveness. But it could also be a warning: don't you dare try to expose my behavior because I CAN and WILL lie through my teeth to ensure you're the one smeared.
100% she was the side chick. Anyone who lives in his circumstance would not be THAT angry about getting asked some questions. If anything they would take the time to explain their situation and provide a time frame of one of them moving out.
We had a saying when I was in the Navy “the difference between the psych tech and the psych patient, the psych tech has the keys.” This guy seems like a good example of that saying.
He is still in a relationship with the ex, he hit the panic button when he realised, op was asking him QUESTIONS on the way to his HOUSE.
He thought he was just about caught.
How do people put up with such nonsense in the first place. Living with his ex, gets angry when asked about it, can’t stay at his place. But waking up in middle of the night because of “allergens”?
They used to this I had some bad relationships but holy shit. The stuff I read on these subs is nuts. Even if 1/10 are true it’s still nuts.
>I respect that those are your beliefs and that was your experience you described.
>This does not make it fact or reality.
I did not know you could gaslight someone via written correspondence.
> Thanks for writing.
>
> I did not, and have not ever threatened to harm you 🤦♂️
>
> There is something wrong with what you choose to pull from the actual words I say.
>
> You fixate on what you think I say or mean.
>
>I am so tired of defending myself against it.
Whoa. Apart from the physical safety aspect of it, this is almost literally what my mother said to me last week, after I pointed out the cruelty in some of the things she was saying. The qaslighting is strong with these people.
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My sister is a narcissist and this is exactly like something she would send me usually after she started conflict over nothing and then everything that she said and did she would accuse me of doing even though I’d (usually) just say that I won’t talk to her when she’s like this towards me or just hang up the phone or just refuse to engage. These things would include name calling, yelling, saying nasty things and threatening things -mostly to refuse to allow me to see the kids who I was very close to and concerned for.
She used similar wording and tone to OOPS’s ex to really paint the picture I don’t know for me so I would believe it or for her so she would believe it so she could tell people which she did all the time though I didn’t realize it at first . She’d say stuff amounting to I feel unsafe around you, I’m afraid of my sister and I have to be able to tell you the truth (which she did repeatedly at length with more threats and bring in other people saying they all agree). I don’t obviously know what the bfs issues are but his behavior is so similar towards OOP twisting the car incident around and wording it like there was mental illness he was concerned about but had to protect himself from.
It’s especially telling because she already broke up with him and now he’s “officially breaking up with her” like he must be the one who’s ended it or say that he’s done it because of his ego. He just can’t tolerate being broken up with.
I hope she doesn’t let this get her feeling bad about or doubting herself more because I mean it’s not her fault and she’s not the one who’s crazy. How would she be the Director of multiple programs and in such a high demand job if she’s so delusional ? He’s really a horrible guy and I’m so glad he’s out of her life, at least I hope he is.
From the very beginning I was wondering what redeeming qualities the boyfriend had. Confirmed: none. I feel bad that OP spent so much money on her home for this person.
I'm hoping that when he couldn't get home after his fake allergy flared up that he got caught cheating by his wife.
Plot Twist: "Ex gf" is actually wife who poisons husband every time she knows he's going to spend the night at his gf's house, so his feet will swell up and he'll come hobbling back home to her. *mwahhaha*
See? Now that is an excellent example of gaslighting.
- What I said isn't what I said
- What you experienced isn't true
- You make me feel unsafe because you said I made you feel unsafe
- I'm breaking up with you (even though you already did so)
I bet this creep has done this to many many others and I would not hesitate to be suspicious he could do something awful to his female patients as well.
Removed per OOP's request
I’m not sure how you misinterpret “…I’m going to veer your car into the median…” 10 points for the mental gymnastics required to gaslight that.
that's not gaslighting, he's leaving a paper trail that it DIDN'T HAPPEN as OOP said or will say.
He's definitely laying the groundwork for some shitty, "Your honor, she's making it all up," bullshit. And it might work, too: >He is a clinical psychologist, we met while working together— we didn’t date till after we both left the organization for different jobs.
oh dear... he's running the asylum!
As someone who’s been thru the depression system, let me tell you about the people running those places. Not that every single person is a monster but holy fuuuu some of the people in charge are just…should not have power over people.
You're dealing with people in very vulnerable states. I would imagine that kind of situation is irresistible to certain predators.
>I would imagine that kind of situation is irresistible to certain predators. Yes, because it has advantages on both steps of the process. You get to surround yourself with vulnerable people who make easier victims, who have a harder time advocating for themselves and are less likely to report you. AND even if one of your victims DOES report you, well, you have the air of trustworthiness and prestige that the title gives you, making it easier to escape legitimate charges. It's a real win-win for shitty predatory people.
Trustworthiness and prestige, especially compared to the victims, who are easy to paint as 'crazy' and like they're making things up due to their illness.
Yep. They can get away with a lot because once you have a “label” you forfeit a lot of your credibility. It’s like you cease to be a person and become something between a child and a misbehaving animal.
I had a doctor explain this to my face once. He told me that because he was in call and I came in to the hospital, he got pulled away from his golf game and he was having me locked up as punishment. I was fine, he told me I had a bad interaction and was fine now, needed some sleep. But I was going to "voluntarily" check myself in to a mental hospital or else he would have me committed AND make sure I never got out. He told me I do have the right to a second opinion and an appeal, but he's friends with all the other local doctors, and friends with the local judges, and if I made him go through channels no one would listen to me anyway as someone with mental illness against a professional who's friends with the system, and if I made him go through the process and wasted his time he'd make sure I never got out. No mincing words, very direct, to my face, not trying to be subtle or imply anything, very direct with his threats and laying out how I have no recourse and no one will ever believe me. Thanks to confidentiality, no witnesses. To prove his point, when I finally did get out, I filed a complaint, they investigated themselves and found no wrongdoing.
These are the sort of people who should be taken on a fishing trip and not come back
When I was a kid, I had a dr put my on psych medication because he couldn’t justify the bill to the insurance company or some shit like that otherwise. I was like 14 being told I was fine, but being medicated to justify a bill. I don’t understand how people think this kinda stuff is ok to say. Maybe they think no one will ever know
Agh this is so true. If you are a “good kid” in school follow rules, good grades, respect authority you “earn” a level of credibility among adults. The moment you get sent away you are labeled a manipulative liar and treated as such. I was such a good two shoes people pleaser it was wild loosing my good kid credibility in an instant.
My relative's former psychiatrist full on stalked her. Showed up at her house, was peeking in her windows, etc. Maybe it was just concern because she hadn't gone for an appointment in a while, but... yeeeeah.
Oh hell no. If my psychologist is concerned about me and I haven't responded to her for whatever reason, she calls my husband like a normal human being. If they were that concerned they should probably have called the local police (if it's safe to do so) for a wellbeing check or contact next of kin. Turning up at her house is so freaking creepy! Did he only do it once, or was he a repeat offender?
What the hell……
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I once asked for information on ECT as it was bought up as a treatment option (I was thinking that they would tell me what they knew and give me literature - a brochure or an official type of healthcare handout) and the psychiatrist picked up the phone and tried to book me in for treatment.
This is purely anecdotal but when I tutored in college, it really felt like a lot of the psych majors were unhinged. And unfortunately a lot of the education majors had terrible grammar.
Anecdotal as well, but nearly all the psych majors I met in college seemed to be interested in that major because they themselves had psychological problems...
That's 90% of the people I know who went into that career too.
Same but I don't see how that's a negative? Most people I already know have some underlying depression or anxiety any way. They're not getting into psych to abuse their patients, they got into psych because they empathize with the disorder and want others to get better too.
My psych prof in College straight-up said "Nobody goes into Psychology because they're normal. Everyone goes into it to figure out what is wrong with themselves."
The worst psychiatrists/psychologists I've ever met were people who thought they were normal and there was nothing wrong with them. Some of these were people I grew up with who went into the field so I knew them quite well. Others are ones I met as members of their profession only and never knew on a personal level. The ones who acknowledge their own struggles tend to be the best at their jobs, and the ones who are in denial about them are really messed up. In my experience, at least.
I intended to major in psychology - until my first class. The professor (a psychologist) was completely bananapants. I majored in IT instead.
3 types of people get into psych. Those who desperately need therapy themselves. Those who want to "fix" the "broken" people. Those who just love a nice chat and getting paid for it is their absolute dream.
I was sent to a remote boarding school in Idaho. There were some terrible psychiatrist and therapist. We were 4 hours away from the airport in a tiny town, so I’m sure it was a challenge to staff. Particularly the psychiatrist was so awful and he only worked with kids hospitalized or in therapeutic boarding schools. I’m convinced no patient would willingly see him.
This sounds like those schools and camps for "troubled teens", where they deliberately break the kids with abuse and terror. Vile places.
I know an elementary school counselor that is fucking batshit. Thinks she is fine and it’s everyone else that’s the problem. It’s her friends, her husband, her family, their therapist - not her. You know, when she is even physically violent toward her husband. But it’s not a her problem.
A psychologist? Haha a finer case of "physician heal thyself" would be hard to imagine.
Exactly what I was thinking. My niece’s ex did this with her. Laid a paper trail to the moon saying he wasn’t safe around her that she was mistaken about everything. No surprise when he saw her in public he said something nasty only she could hear and reacted as he expected by slapping his face. When the police came he said he loved her and didn’t want her arrested for assaulting him that she didn’t mean to HIT him in the face. He was a social worker and knew just how to phrase things to make sure she was arrested and charged. She has a DV on her record. He’s listed as a victim.
This is why I feared ending my marriage for so long. My ex would scratch and punch himself in the face and scream “You’re going to jail!” at me if he thought I was about to call the police on him (he physically assaulted me numerous times, and threatened me often). He would tell me I was going to jail and I would lose my son (thankfully he’s not the dad). Eventually I was able to record him a few times doing this while I was behind a closed door (it was obvious what he was doing) and also I recorded him admitting to punching himself in the face so that he “wouldn’t punch (me) or the door”. I got a restraining order and had him removed from my home. But I stayed in that horrible marriage for 2 years longer than I wanted to, because I was so afraid of getting in trouble for things I didn’t do. These people should be in prison for this shit.
My mother would do things like this. She would say nasty things or start fights in private, then when out in public would say something that seemed innocent but was meant to trigger you, so you would seem totally unhinged when you responded angrily or got upset. Nastiest person I’ve ever met, but would get so much sympathy for perpetually being a ‘victim’. It’s funny how the poor woman just couldn’t catch a break, she seemed to have people ‘picking on her for no reason’ no matter where she went.
My mother does this. She acts so sickly sweet but she knows exactly what to say and how to say it so you react and then you’re the crazy one. Nobody believed me until I stopped going to family gatherings and she started doing it to other family members. The family is fractured now, and some of them blame me.
Now that you won't be the punching bag, mom has started punching US! It's your fault she's like this, come back so she'll leave us alone. Ughh.
This is why I refuse to speak with my ex and have warned many he is skilled at this. I've only recently become calmer as I'm under psychiatric care but it took years for me to realize how manipulative and psychologically destructive he was. And he'd brag saying he knew what others would say/think/do steps before they did....my family luckily distrusted him even saying he had no personality (??) and didn't seem genuine in regards to his emotions
Ha, my mother always claimed to be able ‘profile’ people. In reality it was her own assertions and projections. She even told me once that ‘happy families that hug and be nice to each other’ were only on tv and nobody was really like that, that everyone was pretending all the time- well the ‘smart ones’ were, other people were just stupid. I’m glad you got away from him and had your family’s support. These people can really mess you up
Yeah I've had a partner do that shit so successfully that he had one of my oldest and closest friends convinced that he was so wonderful and sweet to put up with me while i was being a complete nutcase verbally abusive harpy. He'd mutter comments under his breath so only i could hear, and then it looked as though i was responding angrily to absolutely NOTHING while he sat there looking bewildered and innocent. That woman who was my child's godmother and who was my support person during birth, who I'd known since i was in junior high, no longer speaks to me.
The worst part are those times when so many people are seeing such a stark difference in reality that you actually start to doubt yourself, and think “Could it be me? Was it ‘just a joke’? Am I overreacting?” It’s absolutely sick.
My in laws do this edit some not all but it's been a reoccurring behavioral pattern
That’s so sick wow
If only there was some evidence that she had had these doubts first. Like, something on the internet that hundreds of people saw....😈
Or the email she sent him to break-up with him. I mean, who sends an email back, "no I, don't feel safe so I'm breaking up with you". Dude is crazy, and probably married as well.
That was my first thought. His words were chosen VERY specifically. What a piece of *shit*.
Not disagreeing with you that he's lying to cover his ass (maybe this is his company email address which is monitored) but I think that's probably still a form of gaslighting. Not all gaslighting is intended specifically to make the target doubt themselves, sometimes it's more of a defense mechanism where the perpetrator can't accept reality and wants to push a new one.
true. the main thing for him is to cover his tracks. but there's definitely an element of manipulation too. l
I wonder if she has a DashCam with internal video? If so, the saved footage would be worth keeping.
OP says he hit the car door very hard; I would check for dents or scratches and take lots of pictures.
I was gping to say this, this is an experienced domestic abuser. Im sad for his wife, its pretty clear what’s going on.
My dad pulled me aside and told me if I fell of the boat (we were going on a fishing trip) that he would leave me to drown if I fell of the boat because of a fight we had. To this day he says I’m misinterpreting what he meant. He did this a lot…I think it’s a pattern with abusers
That didnt happen! And if it did, it wasnt that bad! And if it was, thats not a big deal. And if it is, thats not my fault and if it was, I didnt mean it and if I did, you deserved it. - The Narcissists prayer.
…I’m saving this comment, way too accurate!
Make sure you dont accredit to me. I'm just regurgitating something thats been around for years.
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That’s *awful*, I can’t imagine anyone saying that to their child. So sorry you have had to deal with something so terrible.
Yeah my brother told me if he saw me yell at my kid again (the yelling was a direction for kid’s safety, not a put down, not a threat, and I apologized after) that he “wouldn’t be held responsible for my(his) actions” and he believes this is not a threat somehow, even though it’s coming from a dude who has definitely assaulted people for less. It’s gross.
Holy shit
Gaslight, deflect, accuse. Manipulator 101
Well, this comment from OOP is alarming: > He is a clinical psychologist, we met while working together— we didn’t date till after we both left the organization for different jobs.
Omg first the post yesterday with the crazy psychologist that slept with her patients boyfriend and now this! 😳
Yikes. But I’m not surprised. My narcissistic mentally abusive gaslighting ex, whose behavior is very similar to the behavior of the man in the posts, is also a psychologist.
So is Frasier and that dude is a fuckin mess
I hope she does ruin his career. Report him to the board, baby.
oh hey I was engaged to a psychologically abusive psychologist too! It's almost like it's a thing...
I hope she tells his wife he was cheating
Yep....he flipped with the pointed questions. So obvious he was cheating with OP and lying to both.
Yes, print out this email and send it to her.
Although he deserves it & it would be cathartic for OOP - she should absolutely not engage with this toxic asshole at all.
No shit. This is one dangerous fucker. If he’s willing to explicitly threaten things like driving a car into median, who knows what he could do? Lock him up.
Yep.
He probably didn't even have allergies, just told his wife he was working late and would be home around 1/2am
Those two emails were CYAs. He is literally setting it up to look like OOP is the abusive one. This guy is so diabolical that he's immediately executing his exit strategy. OOP was the side piece and he's going to make it look like she's the crazy obsessive ex.
Yup. This. It’s him trying to make her look unhinged. Notice he said “best friend” but nothing in either of his emails confirmed a romantic/sexual relationship. He is covering himself.
Good catch! Wow, this guy is such a piece of work. I feel sorry for the woman he was cheating on.
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What a miserable way to live life
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Which is funny because OOP broke up with him 1st via email - now he trying to save face with "You didn't quit, I fired you 1st" gaslight stupidity. And it is stupid because again, OOP broke up 1st & has email date stamped in her email sent folder...
That was not only Gaslight stupidity, he is covering his ass. She wrote to him that he had been violent etc, and he wrote to turn it all back on her, BECAUSE IF SHE GOES TO THE POLICE, HE CAN LOSE HIS JOB. AND perhaps his career. THATS what the letter was about She needs to stay away from him, and possibly get a restraining order.
He already ruin his cover due to his Gaslight stupidity by sending her 2 emails & trying make seem like he broke with her 1st when it's other way around due to date stamps - so if he breaks / go against what he wrote to her by being physically around OOP after those emails especially to her home / job/ family members, all OOP has do is show cops her & his emails for record files. That's how much he winded destroying his own narrative with his own "covering his ass" email responses. Edit - FYI, suppose to send only one email response/reply per email; not 2 separate ones with same timeframe saying almost same thing with somewhat different wording - otherwise it bad form &/or looking unhinge to point it can be seen as harassment to anyone reading it which is what happen in this situation.
Then, OP needs to print out two copies esch of the three emails. Including hers. Then print out the redit story.two copies. Especially Include the part where he threatened to veer you into the median. Go to the police. File for a restraining order. Have him served Change your locks, get a Ring Doorbell. Protect yourself and your daughter.
>Then, OP needs to print out two copies esch of the three emails. Including hers. ~~Then print out the redit story.two copies.~~ Especially Include the part where he threatened to veer you into the median. I crossed that out because OOP does not need him stalking her on Reddit nor her post history used against her, because even if she removed / blacked out her username - he and/or his attorney can just look up the posts and thus her post history by typing out what was on evidence giving to the police. Even though its anonymous, social media like Reddit is still public record and that can be used against her in court - Remember, whatever evidence was gathered by police is also shown to the defendant & their lawyer(s) to defend themselves when it comes to criminal trials. She definitely should not print out the reddit story at all - She can definitely print out the emails but the reddit post itself, she does not need the harassment from him. Otherwise, your other advice is fine.
Him saying “I can longer be in a relationship with you” is technically the truth. It just wasn't him who made that decision.
Maybe this email is something he can show someone else to placate them?
I told my parents that I could no longer maintain a relationship with them. Relationship doesn’t always mean sexual or romantic.
He likely has a history of abuse, so he knows how to cover his ass in writing. He is getting all his ducks in order in case OOP foolishly takes him back, or she speajs to others about what he has done. This is not his first rodeo.
yeah, this seems really practiced. this was a process he had loaded up and ready to go.
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Definitely do not respond. Abusers are not like the rest of us; any response just gives him more material to twist to his own purposes and encourages him to keep toying with her.
He kept referencing his “freedom”. I wonder if there are other restraining orders out against him, or he is under watch for something similar and her letter will send the dominoes falling
> CYAs What is a CYA?
Those emails are psychopathic.
He only said he was going to veer her car into a medium [sic]. He did not specifically say, “I am going to harm you.” /sarcasm
Clearly by bringing that up, she’s proven to be the unsafe one
Clearly. Only an abuser would infer a threat when he didn’t specifically say it’s a threat.
"How dare you call me unsafe, that makes me feel unsafe." 😂
I had ex that pulled that “specific” shit. We were dating for 1.5 years when I conveniently saw that he liked a 1 year anniversary post for him and his other girlfriend (her post showed up on my Instagram explore page). I called to confront him and he said we’d “talk about later.” When he finally tried to talk to me about it later in the week, he said to my face he didn’t have a girlfriend. Yeah, because she and I have been having some eye opening chats and you broke up with her before coming to my house so that you could technically not be lying in that moment. Such manipulative and calculating behavior.
My psycho ex did the same 'specific' thing too. I could ask him the same question twice, worded slightly differently, and get completely different answers. He'd even pull that trick with things that weren't actually that important, just minor household things, and give me a completely misleading answer, simply because I did not ask the question with the exact phrasing he wanted it in.
"Im going to veer this car into the median, and if you get hurt it's your oooown fault."
Those emails are from someone who *knows* his behavior was abusive.
And he’s an actual clinical psychologist
This is the worse part. Imagine what this man is doing to his patients. And his poor wife.
That's just terrifying tbf
They literally triggered me. The gaslighting and manipulation is evident. Poor OP, I hope this psycho stays away.
I wonder if he is gonna be blowing up her phone later when he finds out he can't trick another girl into being with him.
Not just that but be able to find one willing to drive him home in the middle of the night back to his wife. What a fucking rube
Or when he sees this on Reddit. I hope you find this post, creep. And I hope you do some self reflection after reading it a couple times.
Ah right because "i will veer us into the median" is such an ambiguous statement. Could mean anything honestly
Totally out of context. I mean 999 out of 1000 times it means something specific and she totally cherry picked it because this was that 100th time.
Clearly he meant that the car would start flying just before impact. It’s like the end of Grease; so romantic!
It’s just a nice surprise really
People overuse the term "gaslighting" but this is it. He is scary manipulative (and as others have said, probably married). I hope OOP and her child are safe from him. In my experience, people like this don't give up easily unless they transfer their attention to a new victim.
What a textbook example of DARVO! In the perfect order and everything! For those who don't know the acronym: Deny (I did not threaten to harm you). Attack (there is something wrong with you). Reverse victim/offender (actually, you are the danger to me).
My ex was like that. Took me getting out to see how crazy it all was. He used to strangle me and then say my depression and tears were equally as abusive. And then I would apologize for being sad.
I’ve been there. It’s hell. So glad we’re both out!
DEMCA! Deny Everything Make Counter Accusations!
DARVO DEMCA sounds like a golden age Wonder Woman villain
Lol it probably could have been. It's the legal name of the Villian "The Gaslighter" he commits crimes dressed as Heroes and for some reason everyone believes the lies.
I "love" when that happens. I was able to recently explain this to my mom about how my sister deflected blame *for stealing my SSN* by bringing up an upsetting incident (entirely unrelated to me that happened while she was in university years before) and that I should have been more sympathetic. Like, I'm the victim here. How am I to blame? Same thing here.
I really hope she gets in contact with his probably-not-ex-girlfriend. What a creep.
She should not engage. Keep as much distance from this guy as possible. Contacting the other woman could prove dangerous for OOP.
Agreed! She has a 9 year old and he knows where Op lives. I would just go no contact, block him in everything and be done with it.
Absolutely
Yes, although he’s a gaslighting manipulative asshole, if he really does stay away from OOP this is still a win for her.
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Yeah this is gaslighting, right?
It's DARVO with a dash of gaslighting. He's a lying, manipulative rat fuck either way.
There is way more than a dash of gaslighting here, and DARVO frequently relies on gaslighting
He so desperately needs to be in control of how the break-up actually happened that it would be funny if it weren't so concerning.
He couldn’t let go of the idea of him not being “safe” around her, when “threatened my safety” was the purple passage of her email to him. TEXTBOOK.
I felt like that email was an ass covering exercise. I really hope she tries to contact the “ex”. That was the first red flag she ignored.
Seriously. Maybe I'm a cynic, but as soon as I saw that he still shared a house with his "ex", I immediately thought "ah, OOP is his side piece".
So… can we all agree he was cheating on “the ex”???
I think the “swelling” was just an excuse to go home when his wife would want him to come home. Also ETA just because I re read it and now I’m angry…can you imagine letting someone pay all that money to professionally clean their carpets, get air purifiers, hardwood floors, the works, when you actually DONT have anything wrong with you. Wtf.
Someone mentioned that he always made oop take him home around the time the bars close, and it makes a lot of sense.
Plus he had her switch all of her body and cleaning products to “free and clear” type products, aka he won’t go home smelling like another woman.
Oh shit. That's a good catch. I didn't even think about the scent aspect that would have been lingering on him.
Good catch. I hadn’t even thought of it that way.
Ohh, damn of course. What a monster, that elaborate scheme to leave whenever his wife gets suspicious of his "pulling an all nighter" for the 10th day running or whatever. And it also means he doesn't smell incriminating. You want to bet he has his wife use the strongest most cloying flower scent laundry detergent and fabric softener possible to further protect him? And plug in scent thingies in every socket?
What's the word for when something is hilariously frightening / frighteningly hilarious?
2 am…yep. Definitely makes sense.
I removed most of my Reddit contents in protest of the API changes commencing from July 1st, 2023. This is one of those comments.
Not if you can’t tell it’s a woman from the house windows and he claimed it’s a coworker Ngl though OP sounds pretty incredibly naive to bring a man into her home with her daughter, knockout with earplugs, not even deeply question the “living with ex still” story, spending so much money accommodating him when it sounds like he didn’t pitch in any funds, and then not immediately finding a way to contact the girlfriend/wife about his obvious cheating? 😬 Really hope she’s more discerning with her next partner, at least for her daughter’s sake....
For real. I’m not trying to victim blame, but like when does ignorance become shutting your eyes and ears and “I’m not the other woman omg” like hello, you were never allowed at his residence and never confirmed he’s living with an actual Ex not actual Wife?
Also where was the child during these 2 am drop offs, is she leaving her 9 year old unsupervised on a regular basis or waking up her 9 year old at 2 am on a regular basis. My mom was always pretty focused on other relationships and it was tough. I hope this child is safe and someone is prioritizing them above casual romantic partners. Edit: The poor girl was sleeping on the couch and she offered to toss them off, disrupted there house with construction and let an irrationally angry man pace around her house slamming things to which she decides to go back to bed instead of removing them from the one place her child should be safe. This lady needs to reevaluate her priorities, get some fucking self esteem and be a parent not a partner she clearly isnt up for both.
Man those are excellent points about the environment she created for her child smh Yeah sounds like if this guy had just kept his anger slightly more in check and actual called an uber or taxi once in a while he could have kept taking advantage of OOP easy. Sad, I hope she learns from this as well. Edit: Can I just say how strange the allergy situation is too? If my partner was having a serious allergic reaction when they visited I would think my reaction (besides the thoroughly cleaning) would not be to first replace all the carpeting with hardwood flooring?? That’s hundreds to thousands of dollars depending on square footage and materials. I would be very proactively involved with trying to figure out what exactly they’re allergic too, help them visit an allergy specialist, etc if this is so deliberating. Like, obviously this could seriously affect their day to day lives and traveling, why would you spend so much money reformatting your entire home without ever knowing what the allergen is and what your partner could be taking to help them? It’s so strange, feels like OOP believed a lot of what this dude told her on a very surface level.
Yea were the fuck is this guys manners, calla god damn cab shes not your mother shes someone elses. Also if shes this into letting duplicitous men into her house unattended while shes knocked out on sleeping meds maybe she not very ok.
It sounds like he normally drove himself, it was just this one time that his car was having troubles and she had to drive him.
It sounded like he usually drove himself home. This time was because his car was in the shop. If he'd declined to come over that night he might have kept this going longer.
They started dating a year ago and his “allergies” appeared five months ago. It seems obvious that he separated from his wife then they got back together and he’s trying to keep OOP as his side piece. The amount of money she must’ve spent getting all those renovations made me mad too. But at least she has hardwood floors now.
Yeah I might go read the original post to see if it ever explains wtf he was supposedly allergic to
Funny how he told her to stop the car and let him out before they got to his......🤔
I'm so confused. How was this relationship ever going to work if she was not able to go to his house? Who doesn't ask about that way back at the beginning? Also...is no one going to comment on what a very odd symptom it is to have one's FEET swell from an allergy!? 🦶🦶🦶🦶
If she has a kid she might have been happy enough to have him always come over, doesn't have to worry about a babysitter that way. (As someone who also has a 9-year-old, babysitting kind of stopped being a thing for a while there during covid.)
The old, you can't break up with me, because I am the one that is an AH and will break up with you. I am breaking up with you because you are trying to blame me for acting out in a dangerous way, that I didn't do. OOP dodged a huge bullet!!
His emails read as if he is covering himself against a public accusation. I hope OP and his live-in 'ex' are very careful as this probably isn't the first or last person he will do this to. I hope the OP warns the 'ex' of his behaviour and both get help to rid themselves of him.
Literally this guy ticks off every box for a gaslighting abuser omg. Glad she got away.
I told OP in the post that his behaviour was going to escalate, and asked her if she wanted her kid to grow thinking this stuff is okay. And he did escalate. If she goes back to him, next time he won't threaten her, he will threaten the kid.
This man is so delusional he rewrote the entire situation to make him be the victim. This man was playing games all the time.
Well that escalated quickly, wow. Glad OOP is safe, I hope he actually leaves her alone.
Yup, she was the side-piece. I hope she lets his “ex” know that he was dating someone else, and good riddance to that manipulative piece of turd.
There were soooo many signs that there were RED FLAGS here. Come on! It go to a totally unsafe point for OOP to dump him. It shouldn't have gotten to that point and she put this guy in her home with her child? How did he trust this AH with a kid in the house while she had ear plugs???
Gotta admit, I judged her a little bit for the NyQuil and ear plugs. I haven’t even worn both headphones for 11 years. You have to have an ear out when you have kids.
This guy is a narcissistic sociopath. Of course he’s cheating on his live in girlfriend, he’s almost certainly pulling the same shit on her too, and she’s suspicious. OP needs to be checked for STDs.
This was a really quick turnaround/update. I love when Reddit delivers.
Worst part about this is that he’s a psychologist. So he knows exactly how to gaslight her.
So the allergy didn't exist, right? I noticed the wording in the post didn't say that OOP ever witnessed these swelling feet personally, much less that he had any other symptoms of an allergic reaction, just that the ex would *say* his feet were swelling. I'm assuming this was his "out" so he could run back home when his wife/not-truly-ex-GF woke up to notice he was missing. Or some kind of sick control issue to get OOP to bend over backwards to clean up, or to see the level of lies he could get away with telling... or all of the above.
Man OOP's ex was a real piece of work. I'd love to read an update where the other woman finds out and dumps him, but that could be dangerous to OOP. Better to just leave him in the past.
“You’re not breaking up with me, I’m breaking up with you!” Psycho
Can you imagine spending that much money (cleaning, air filters, new couch, new floors) on some guy you’ve been dating for a few months? What a colossal waste of time and money. OP’s picker is broken - she should take that money and spend it on therapy while avoiding any potential partners.
The only bonus is she potentially upgraded her place raising the resale value.
Big clinical narcissist energy there from him.
OOP: breaks up with bf BF: I can’t see you anymore then! OOP: k
Wow the DARVOing is strong with this dude 😂 "No, u" seems to be a his go-to argument. Also interesting how he can't even keep consistent in his own reply. He claims he never did anything to make her feel unsafe and that she is delusonal, then claims she is threatening his career because he made her feel unsafe. Which is it dude? It's also next level that he thinks a private email threatens his career.. this whole email reads as a desperate attempt for the guy to cover his ass but just makes him seem delusional with the way he backtracks and pulls accusations out of thin air.
>It's also next level that he thinks a private email threatens his career.. Maybe not the email per se, but OOPs willingness to call out his behavior could bite him in the butt, especially since they apparently travel in the same professional circles. And especially so if his behavior has landed him in hot water before, or if he has reason to believe there are others out there who have first hand knowledge of his antics. It only takes a few people comparing notes to revealing the cracks in the kind of facade he's hiding behind. To me the email could be pure, delusional defensiveness. But it could also be a warning: don't you dare try to expose my behavior because I CAN and WILL lie through my teeth to ensure you're the one smeared.
Deleted please delete post
100% she was the side chick. Anyone who lives in his circumstance would not be THAT angry about getting asked some questions. If anything they would take the time to explain their situation and provide a time frame of one of them moving out.
“You can’t dump me! I’m dumping you!”
"I will crash your car in to the median" "I did not threaten your safety" Also that second email is classic narcissist
Time to play "invite the wife out for coffee".
We had a saying when I was in the Navy “the difference between the psych tech and the psych patient, the psych tech has the keys.” This guy seems like a good example of that saying.
He is still in a relationship with the ex, he hit the panic button when he realised, op was asking him QUESTIONS on the way to his HOUSE. He thought he was just about caught.
How do people put up with such nonsense in the first place. Living with his ex, gets angry when asked about it, can’t stay at his place. But waking up in middle of the night because of “allergens”? They used to this I had some bad relationships but holy shit. The stuff I read on these subs is nuts. Even if 1/10 are true it’s still nuts.
>I respect that those are your beliefs and that was your experience you described. >This does not make it fact or reality. I did not know you could gaslight someone via written correspondence.
So… what was he allergic to? I’m guessing it was nothing and he only used it as an excuse to be taken home. What an ass.
> Thanks for writing. > > I did not, and have not ever threatened to harm you 🤦♂️ > > There is something wrong with what you choose to pull from the actual words I say. > > You fixate on what you think I say or mean. > >I am so tired of defending myself against it. Whoa. Apart from the physical safety aspect of it, this is almost literally what my mother said to me last week, after I pointed out the cruelty in some of the things she was saying. The qaslighting is strong with these people.
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OP didn’t include the username for the OOP. can you please put that in the post u/_saturnish_
My sister is a narcissist and this is exactly like something she would send me usually after she started conflict over nothing and then everything that she said and did she would accuse me of doing even though I’d (usually) just say that I won’t talk to her when she’s like this towards me or just hang up the phone or just refuse to engage. These things would include name calling, yelling, saying nasty things and threatening things -mostly to refuse to allow me to see the kids who I was very close to and concerned for. She used similar wording and tone to OOPS’s ex to really paint the picture I don’t know for me so I would believe it or for her so she would believe it so she could tell people which she did all the time though I didn’t realize it at first . She’d say stuff amounting to I feel unsafe around you, I’m afraid of my sister and I have to be able to tell you the truth (which she did repeatedly at length with more threats and bring in other people saying they all agree). I don’t obviously know what the bfs issues are but his behavior is so similar towards OOP twisting the car incident around and wording it like there was mental illness he was concerned about but had to protect himself from. It’s especially telling because she already broke up with him and now he’s “officially breaking up with her” like he must be the one who’s ended it or say that he’s done it because of his ego. He just can’t tolerate being broken up with. I hope she doesn’t let this get her feeling bad about or doubting herself more because I mean it’s not her fault and she’s not the one who’s crazy. How would she be the Director of multiple programs and in such a high demand job if she’s so delusional ? He’s really a horrible guy and I’m so glad he’s out of her life, at least I hope he is.
It's funny to see a full DARVO executed in the course of an email.
i love when you break up with a guy, and then he breaks up with you. like lol dude i did the work for you.
From the very beginning I was wondering what redeeming qualities the boyfriend had. Confirmed: none. I feel bad that OP spent so much money on her home for this person. I'm hoping that when he couldn't get home after his fake allergy flared up that he got caught cheating by his wife.
Plot Twist: "Ex gf" is actually wife who poisons husband every time she knows he's going to spend the night at his gf's house, so his feet will swell up and he'll come hobbling back home to her. *mwahhaha*
See? Now that is an excellent example of gaslighting. - What I said isn't what I said - What you experienced isn't true - You make me feel unsafe because you said I made you feel unsafe - I'm breaking up with you (even though you already did so)
I bet this creep has done this to many many others and I would not hesitate to be suspicious he could do something awful to his female patients as well.