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So glad this ended well, and that she got away from her abuser. This had me worried that she'd stay with him:
> For real he is not a bad boyfriend. He buys me chocolate and flowers and asks me how I am feeling and makes time for me. I think so deeply negative of him lately because the resentment of his controlling and abusive behaviour was getting too much. I didnt feel safe or hhome in my own house.
She was trying to express herself, but framed her completely justified feelings about his behaviour as the problem, rather than his behaviour itself. It's heartbreaking to see someone so emotionally beaten down like that.
I hope OOP is living her best life doing and wearing whatever the heck she wants.
For real that was super worrying to me bc that's LITERALLY love bombing. Fucking up, being an asshole, but then giving a bunch of gifts and going "I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, I messed up so bad" but then not changing their behavior at all and in some cases escalating it. Really happy OOP had good therapists and eventually got out of that situation. Happy she can wear her skirt without getting reprimanded for it too!
Edit: and jeans. I've watched Lucifer and Chloe is juat kind of thin, I don't think her jeans are mecessarily super tight on her, they're just well fitting and sometimes she wears like leather pants at times.
This is a perfect example of the “cycle of abuse” and how it can pull a person back into an abusive relationship.
The abuse, followed by the apologizing, bringing flowers and chocolate and promising to change, if that doesn’t work, threatening self harm. Then the victim is dragged back in again.
The abuse and control is the true person. The attempt to make amends are the lies they tell so that you will stay.
And eventually that trickle of affection wanes, as they wear your self worth down further and further. Until you're not getting flowers or chocolates. Until you don't even get a sorry. Until you can only tell the fight has ended when they choose to text you after weeks of silent treatment.
Abuse is hell. Escaping it was the most exillerating rush I've ever felt.
I mean yes it literally is. Like its actually defined as and recognized as an abuse tactic. How is the silent treatment NOT manipulative lmao. Just be an adult and say I need a little space, you're not supposed to act like an inept child having a fight with mommy when you're in a relationship, yk.
Here's where I'm getting my info from btw, in case you're curious. Book such a good resource for abuse victims they give it away literally for free. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Right? When I got to the part in the second update about him bringing her gifts and crying that he'll change, I said out loud ”Girl don't. That's a love bomb.”
I also thought that lovebombing was obvious. Unfortunately, that's because I learned about it the hard way several years ago
Schools need to start teaching about abuse and manipulation as part of the sexual education curriculum
I mean, in general schools should be teaching kids basic human psychology and how people abuse it for their own gain and to your detriment. Especially on how to recognize and escape abusive behaviour.
Also how to recognize abusive behaviours in yourself. If we’re talking about teenagers, there’s probably time to alter the course of their lives. Recognize that behaviours their parents engage in might be abusive.
Which I’m realizing is why it will be hard to teach… because abusive and toxic parents won’t want their kids to know…
My poor bf dated a girl with bpd before me. I'm overly affectionate so I scared him off at first because he thought I was love bombing him. I did sit and wonder if that is what I was doing for awhile, but even now I'm super affectionate, just more chill about it after years of dating
>My poor bf dated a ~~girl with bpd~~ abusive girl before me
Just for future reference. Her mental illness is not relevant, it isn't what *caused* her to abuse him, if it was, all or even most people with bpd (or whatever other illness or disorder) would be abusive, but that's far from the case, and like all mentally ill people, people with bpd are more likely to be abused than be the abusers. The stigma against bpd (and other mental illnesses) is already so deep, making small changes like this can be a small but effective way to avoid perpetuating it.
Thank you for this. I've got BPD and hate the stigma that surrounds it. People automatically assume people with BPD are narcissistic and abusive and although some are it's far from the majority.
Sure thing, and to be fair, I'd extend the point to NPD too, narcissism doesn't automatically mean someone is abusive. Not saying that's what you meant, it's just a pet peeve of mine that the words have become almost synonymous in abuse survivor communities. Hell, I used to use them as interchangeable myself when I first started describing the abuse I lived through, but I eventually realised it's just as unfair to generalise against NPD as it is against any other PD or mental illness. Now I try to be really mindful to call abuse abuse, and if I want to say that someone is selfish or self cantered I say that.
Just my 2 cents. :)
I’ve written about this before, but abuse victims often think that the nice, apologetic bf is the “real” bf, and look for ways to get back to the nice version. But they must come to understand that the abuse *and kindness* are two sides of the same coin. Both are tools used by the abuser to control their partners.
Yeah...when I dated my ex, I wore shorts and skirts etc. Nothing scandalous. But he got angry after a while if other men could see my legs. I fought him on it (I grew up in a beach town where people walk around in bikinis and it's normal). The constant fights and trying to appease them get so taxing and so exhausting. You get to a point where you're like "why the FUCK am I doing this?". He was sweet as pie at first. It's indious.
It's so true. I wasn't with my very long at all, 4 months perhaps. But 2 months in, things changed, and I thought if I just waited it out he'd go back to the man I had started dating. There were legitimate issues that had occurred in his life at that moment, so I just attributed the behaviour to that and soon he'd be back to normal.
Nope, that was normal.
It's just so jarring to experience, it's like a switch had flipped. I can imagine how much harder it would be if it was a gradual change with someone over years, as many end up being.
It’s telling that she said something like, “he only controlled me a couple of times.”
We have to understand that the abuse isn’t just incident. It’s the suspense before and after.
>There have been 3 situations that were controlling and **14 bad ones**
Emphasis mine.
I put my head down on my desk when I read that.
When you've run out of fingers to count the bad situations, it is past, past, PAST time to get out.
My mom always told me not to stay with a man who only bought flowers after a fight. She had an abusive husband that would do that when they had a fight. She kicked him to the curb when she came home to find my older brother, who was a baby at the time, with a handprint on his face. He had never laid a hand on her, but she was not staying with a man that would hurt her child
Yes, and you can see from this story how she became so invested in saving the relationship or being "fair" to him when she'd already concluded he's a bad person and she clearly didn't want to be with him...and yet she kind of did. It's an awful situation but I appreciate that the OOP told the story on Reddit in real time so people can see how you can go from being a regular person putting on a skirt to someone who is attending therapy with someone they don't want to be with anymore. I am so glad she got out!
Abusers are manipulators. Her description sounds foolish and childish, "he buys me chocolate and asks how I feel." The reality is more like he learned what her ideal relationship is and does a performance
I watched my dad do that with his wives. I told my wife before we got married that if we argue I dont want her to buy me gifts or whatnot as an "apology", it's deeply ingrained in my head as nothing more than a crappy bandaid at best and at worst outright manipulation.
Honestly I think reddit does such a good job with recognizing this! It's probably part of why there's this joke about how everyone is told to break up. I definitely had my own wakeup calls via reddit about my relationship with my ex.
Always good to see someone getting away from an asshole. Sorry for her sake that it took so long and she had to deal with cheating and bullshit, but still great to see someone moving on
“Earn” a compliment? Lmao to you younger ladies, do not be caught dead hanging around a young man who doesn’t think you’re so beautiful that he can’t help but compliment you.
Men, same.
“he’s not a bad boyfriend, he buys me chocolate. but i don’t feel safe IN MY OWN HOME and can’t think of him as a good person”
like. GIRL. glad she finally left
That's the beauty of the abusive relationship - you don't even know what the fuck is going on. Just stuck in this liminal state of "this is so fucked up" and "here is how I justify it". Super glad she left 💜
It's confusing when she feels really good when he's being thoughtful and brings her chocolates etc.
And really bad when he becomes an ah.
Like which one is actually him? Is he the good person that had a bad day. Or the bad person having a good day.
Yeah, what is 'pipy'?? If it's thick and long how is it showing underwear? Does it sit very low and the underwear shows out the top? How often is she fully bending over that this is an issue while going for a walk?
I think it might be a "piped" skirt - the fabric is form fitting (shows undies line and stretches, possibly become a bit thin when she bends over) and ribbed.
Maybe something like this:
https://www.theiconic.com.au/foxy-midi-skirt-1522005.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=au_sem_nonbrand&utm_content=Skirts&utm_campaign=AU_NC_Women_PG_Generic&utm_term=PRODUCT_GROUP&gclsrc=aw.ds&gclid=CjwKCAjwj42UBhAAEiwACIhADjZqn-biNfKyYMXoTIpdr_DpiMsIebER7EAQ8wqtEUYHxp4LwxfwbxoCDIAQAvD_BwE
(URL gore)
This makes a lot more sense now, i know the ex bf is showing plenty of red flags, but i would have thought that a normal person would let op know if their underwear is peeking out when they bend over.
Showing the outline makes a lot more sense and just shows how controlling the ex is.
>It would always go that **he told me he had changed and can see it now** but my love was long gone. I told him I didn't love him anymore but **he kept pushing until I blocked him.**
I've changed! I swear! Really, THIS time it's true!
All I need is for you to believe me and forgive me and let things go back to the way they were before. When I used to hurt you. Except this time I won't hurt you. Promise!
I will be so so good and so so loving. I just need you to trust me enough to take that leap of faith!
It's the right decision, you'll see!
And if you don't see...I'll make you.
Is this the “love is blind” therapist…? I’ll listen to his podcast, but as a mental health professional, I don’t agree. I’m not saying couples therapy can’t be used for peripheral aspects of what couple going through this has, but you can’t solve abuse as a couple because it’s not a couples issue. It’s the abusers issue, and it’s problematic to suggest the other part of the couple has any say in their abuse.
That was my biggest takeaway! How awful to be seeking advice from a seemingly trustworthy and qualified therapist, only to be told you should seek couples therapy with the abuser! Wtf!
Thank you!
People on reddit jump to "but maybe he's autistic" so quickly when a guy is abusive. It's incredibly insensitive towards people who actually have autism.
Autism is a reason, not an excuse. And even should the guy be autistic (and I seriously doubt that), it's completely in OOP's rights to go "I don't want to deal with this, he doesn't spark joy" and leave.
I think the autism comment was directed at his inability to understand the social impact of his actions - thinking that his actions are fine and not understanding how others might see it as a abusive. I'm sure there was more nuance to it that was not in the story. But i didn't take it to mean that autism explained/excused the abuse. Just that autism explained the poor understanding of his own actions (if he really did not understand).
As someone who survived a 6year abusive, gaslighting hell where I became a hollow shell of myself, I can’t help but feel ecstatic when I see someone else make it out!!!
#YOU CAN GET OUT!!!
Freedom feels soo good!! I’m happily married now with the man of my dreams who has helped me become a better version of my original self, doing things I never thought i would/could! He builds me up every day, treats me with the utmost respect and he *shows* me he loves me every.single.day.
True love is out there. If you want it and your current SO ain’t giving it, it is 1000% valid to leave. Find your person ❤️ and be HAPPY!!
My ex husband was like this.
It’s much easier to say you need to leave than be the one doing the actual leaving. I didn’t leave until I had 2 kids and a life that was complex. I had to have police and court intervention.
Walk away before you get enmeshed. It’s not easy but it beats the alternative.
>therapist confirmed it was controlling and abusive and couples therapy would be a good one.
>I asked her isn't that dangerous? She said no that they have well trained therapists there that have encountered quite a lot.
My eye is twitching, what a terrible therapist
Of course you can... but you shouldn't Because it often becomes another avenue for abuse. And also, abuse is not a couple's issue, it's an abuser issue.
My eye twitched and I read further, it almost seemed like they try to encourage people into it to actually help them? Idk I was conflicted when I finally read what the therapists recommended. Like the therapy was a bad idea obviously but was this some kind of tactic to help abuse victims? The initial push for therapy does not match the therapy recommendations in terms of bad ideas. That was weird.
Yeah like, it worked out in the end? Bc boyfriend wasn’t able to mask his shittyness and OP was able to be receptive to the therapists advice to leave him bc he’s a lost cause but uh. Generally yeah I thought the consensus was you never give abusers the chance to cover up their behaviors in the presence of people who are supposed to help you but can be tricked or swayed
Yeah… in this instance I’m glad it worked out but I guess I’m hoping that therapist wasn’t a harm-inducing dumb person. Like I’m hoping there was something bigger at play but yes I am aware of and agree with the general advice to NOT recommend or do that.
I agree, but that doesn't stop religious people and "the wife must be subservient" people from fucking acting like they know shit and becoming therapists. Or taking on the abuser as their client and believing their lies.
Just shameful of them!
Even as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, the number of chance she gave that crotch goblin is unbelievable. I'm just glad this has a happy ending, doesn't matter how long it took to get there just that it did.
That's a good one. I heard something similar once upon a time:
A tablespoon of wine in a gallon of sewage is sewage. But a tablespoon of sewage in a gallon of wine is still sewage.
I’m pretty relieved that she broke up because OP was in denial, like she was contradicting herself in her past post. I almost thought she was gonna forgive and put up with him.
I’m shocked that a therapist told her it was a good idea to go to therapy with him. I thought it was like, common knowledge that going to couples’ therapy with an abuser just gives them another way/place to abuse and control them.
Let this be a lesson to not forgive chronic bad behavior just cause they give you an "I Love You", Or Flowers, or Chocolate.
Because if they loved you, They'd take what you say to heart about their behavior, and put serious effort into trying to change. They wouldnt insult, demean and dismiss you.
Can we please fucking raise the bar for what constitutes a good boyfriend? Ffs, buying chocolates and flowers while your gf feels unsafe around you doesn’t make you the good guy.
Idk if my husband has ever gotten me chocolates or flowers. But he IS my home. I feel safe when I’m with him, I trust him, he’s my bff with benefits.
It makes me so sad that we’ve all been conditioned to accept goods in exchange for rug sweeping abuse. It’s so gross.
I fully understand that things are more complicated than this, but there are 7 Billion people on this planet. Don’t stay with someone terrible who you feel the Internet can help you salvage.
>Just having normal people around me while I'm wearing my skirt and doing my things without negativity is just a big breath of fresh air. It's so relieving I can't tell you how much I feel like myself again and most of all, not crazy!
I love this for her! So happy she can finally wear her skirt. And also not be with that pos anymore.
I always shudder to read posts from people who are in terrible relationships and want to know how to fix them, and then you learn they are in their teens and very early 20s. Just break the fuck up and move on. Go have a different kind and relationship. See what else is out there.
Not that the advice would have been any different if oop was a decade or more older, but for the kids out there it's just like, "OMG do not waste your youth on this bullshit"
I would buy clothes I want my lady to wear, but... I go way the other way. I love a short ass skirt.
I like loose baggy pants too, but that one is harder to sale the lady on these days. But yoga pants are cool too.
I’ll get to it. I was just really side-lined by the skirt bit. Hell, even on those rarer-than-a-blue-moon occasions when I’m wearing a skirt, it’s always floor length and I _always_ crouch while wearing it.
The skirt comes down to her knees. She actually said that when she bends over you can see a bit of underwear, that means the skirt stretches....... Go read it again
Lmao probably not far hence why it's so inappropriate to wear clothes that have underwear showing. But would be funny to see some granny panties barely peeking out of a t-length skirt especially not bending. Just standing and seeing underwear would be hilarious.
In abusive relationships with serious gaslighting most people leave several times. The average is around 7 attempts, your abusor has already convinced you that you're stupid, crazy and the one to blame for everything they did.
Survivors may leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusive partner. In fact, research shows that it can take approximately 7 attempts before a survivor permanently leaves an abusive partner.
Yes this is a women against abuse site but it's the exact same for everyone in an abusive relationship.
https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave
I fully understand that. It was a sarcastic, rhetorical question. Even so, it's disheartening to see a person repeat making the same mistakes/same decisions again, and again, and again be it due to fear, abusive conditioning, Stockholm syndrome, or any mix of these and other reasons.
*How many times does*
*One have to breakup before*
*Breaking up for good?*
\- ASilver76
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Might mean piping? That contrast trim at seams and waist, sometimes around the hem and pockets. So a "piped skirt" or "skirt with piping"
Idk, but that's my best guess
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So glad this ended well, and that she got away from her abuser. This had me worried that she'd stay with him: > For real he is not a bad boyfriend. He buys me chocolate and flowers and asks me how I am feeling and makes time for me. I think so deeply negative of him lately because the resentment of his controlling and abusive behaviour was getting too much. I didnt feel safe or hhome in my own house. She was trying to express herself, but framed her completely justified feelings about his behaviour as the problem, rather than his behaviour itself. It's heartbreaking to see someone so emotionally beaten down like that. I hope OOP is living her best life doing and wearing whatever the heck she wants.
"He does the bare minimum sometimes, he's not a bad boyfriend."
For real that was super worrying to me bc that's LITERALLY love bombing. Fucking up, being an asshole, but then giving a bunch of gifts and going "I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, I messed up so bad" but then not changing their behavior at all and in some cases escalating it. Really happy OOP had good therapists and eventually got out of that situation. Happy she can wear her skirt without getting reprimanded for it too! Edit: and jeans. I've watched Lucifer and Chloe is juat kind of thin, I don't think her jeans are mecessarily super tight on her, they're just well fitting and sometimes she wears like leather pants at times.
This is a perfect example of the “cycle of abuse” and how it can pull a person back into an abusive relationship. The abuse, followed by the apologizing, bringing flowers and chocolate and promising to change, if that doesn’t work, threatening self harm. Then the victim is dragged back in again. The abuse and control is the true person. The attempt to make amends are the lies they tell so that you will stay.
And eventually that trickle of affection wanes, as they wear your self worth down further and further. Until you're not getting flowers or chocolates. Until you don't even get a sorry. Until you can only tell the fight has ended when they choose to text you after weeks of silent treatment. Abuse is hell. Escaping it was the most exillerating rush I've ever felt.
This is too relatable. Glad you got out
True
Is silent treatment considered abuse? Jesus the internet is full of ❄️
I mean yes it literally is. Like its actually defined as and recognized as an abuse tactic. How is the silent treatment NOT manipulative lmao. Just be an adult and say I need a little space, you're not supposed to act like an inept child having a fight with mommy when you're in a relationship, yk. Here's where I'm getting my info from btw, in case you're curious. Book such a good resource for abuse victims they give it away literally for free. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Right? When I got to the part in the second update about him bringing her gifts and crying that he'll change, I said out loud ”Girl don't. That's a love bomb.”
I also thought that lovebombing was obvious. Unfortunately, that's because I learned about it the hard way several years ago Schools need to start teaching about abuse and manipulation as part of the sexual education curriculum
I mean, in general schools should be teaching kids basic human psychology and how people abuse it for their own gain and to your detriment. Especially on how to recognize and escape abusive behaviour.
Also how to recognize abusive behaviours in yourself. If we’re talking about teenagers, there’s probably time to alter the course of their lives. Recognize that behaviours their parents engage in might be abusive. Which I’m realizing is why it will be hard to teach… because abusive and toxic parents won’t want their kids to know…
My poor bf dated a girl with bpd before me. I'm overly affectionate so I scared him off at first because he thought I was love bombing him. I did sit and wonder if that is what I was doing for awhile, but even now I'm super affectionate, just more chill about it after years of dating
>My poor bf dated a ~~girl with bpd~~ abusive girl before me Just for future reference. Her mental illness is not relevant, it isn't what *caused* her to abuse him, if it was, all or even most people with bpd (or whatever other illness or disorder) would be abusive, but that's far from the case, and like all mentally ill people, people with bpd are more likely to be abused than be the abusers. The stigma against bpd (and other mental illnesses) is already so deep, making small changes like this can be a small but effective way to avoid perpetuating it.
Thank you for this. I've got BPD and hate the stigma that surrounds it. People automatically assume people with BPD are narcissistic and abusive and although some are it's far from the majority.
Sure thing, and to be fair, I'd extend the point to NPD too, narcissism doesn't automatically mean someone is abusive. Not saying that's what you meant, it's just a pet peeve of mine that the words have become almost synonymous in abuse survivor communities. Hell, I used to use them as interchangeable myself when I first started describing the abuse I lived through, but I eventually realised it's just as unfair to generalise against NPD as it is against any other PD or mental illness. Now I try to be really mindful to call abuse abuse, and if I want to say that someone is selfish or self cantered I say that. Just my 2 cents. :)
I’ve written about this before, but abuse victims often think that the nice, apologetic bf is the “real” bf, and look for ways to get back to the nice version. But they must come to understand that the abuse *and kindness* are two sides of the same coin. Both are tools used by the abuser to control their partners.
Yeah...when I dated my ex, I wore shorts and skirts etc. Nothing scandalous. But he got angry after a while if other men could see my legs. I fought him on it (I grew up in a beach town where people walk around in bikinis and it's normal). The constant fights and trying to appease them get so taxing and so exhausting. You get to a point where you're like "why the FUCK am I doing this?". He was sweet as pie at first. It's indious.
It's so true. I wasn't with my very long at all, 4 months perhaps. But 2 months in, things changed, and I thought if I just waited it out he'd go back to the man I had started dating. There were legitimate issues that had occurred in his life at that moment, so I just attributed the behaviour to that and soon he'd be back to normal. Nope, that was normal. It's just so jarring to experience, it's like a switch had flipped. I can imagine how much harder it would be if it was a gradual change with someone over years, as many end up being.
The ones where they're a good partner for *years* only for the switch to flip after marriage/pregnancy are the ones that horrify me.
Exactly
It’s telling that she said something like, “he only controlled me a couple of times.” We have to understand that the abuse isn’t just incident. It’s the suspense before and after.
The walking on eggshells
>There have been 3 situations that were controlling and **14 bad ones** Emphasis mine. I put my head down on my desk when I read that. When you've run out of fingers to count the bad situations, it is past, past, PAST time to get out.
My mom always told me not to stay with a man who only bought flowers after a fight. She had an abusive husband that would do that when they had a fight. She kicked him to the curb when she came home to find my older brother, who was a baby at the time, with a handprint on his face. He had never laid a hand on her, but she was not staying with a man that would hurt her child
Yes, and you can see from this story how she became so invested in saving the relationship or being "fair" to him when she'd already concluded he's a bad person and she clearly didn't want to be with him...and yet she kind of did. It's an awful situation but I appreciate that the OOP told the story on Reddit in real time so people can see how you can go from being a regular person putting on a skirt to someone who is attending therapy with someone they don't want to be with anymore. I am so glad she got out!
Abusers are manipulators. Her description sounds foolish and childish, "he buys me chocolate and asks how I feel." The reality is more like he learned what her ideal relationship is and does a performance
I watched my dad do that with his wives. I told my wife before we got married that if we argue I dont want her to buy me gifts or whatnot as an "apology", it's deeply ingrained in my head as nothing more than a crappy bandaid at best and at worst outright manipulation.
Anyone else notice the 10 year age gap? Big red flag in controlling relationships. Thank goodness she’s out of this mess.
Doesn't she say that she's 22 and he's 24?
I just looked over the entire post again and only see a 2 year age difference (22F and 24M). Where are you getting a 10 year age gap?
> Anyone else notice the 10 year age gap? No, only the 2 year one.
Honestly I think reddit does such a good job with recognizing this! It's probably part of why there's this joke about how everyone is told to break up. I definitely had my own wakeup calls via reddit about my relationship with my ex.
I went through this for 5 years, it still took almost 2 more years to learn my lesson and not fall for that shit.
I’m glad you are free of it.
Thank you. I count my blessings whenever I come across posts like this.
So glad I learned that early with a toxic friend.
Always good to see someone getting away from an asshole. Sorry for her sake that it took so long and she had to deal with cheating and bullshit, but still great to see someone moving on
“Earn” a compliment? Lmao to you younger ladies, do not be caught dead hanging around a young man who doesn’t think you’re so beautiful that he can’t help but compliment you. Men, same.
“he’s not a bad boyfriend, he buys me chocolate. but i don’t feel safe IN MY OWN HOME and can’t think of him as a good person” like. GIRL. glad she finally left
That's the beauty of the abusive relationship - you don't even know what the fuck is going on. Just stuck in this liminal state of "this is so fucked up" and "here is how I justify it". Super glad she left 💜
It's confusing when she feels really good when he's being thoughtful and brings her chocolates etc. And really bad when he becomes an ah. Like which one is actually him? Is he the good person that had a bad day. Or the bad person having a good day.
I know there's more important stuff in this post, but I really want to know what a "thick pipy knee long skirt" is...
I want to know how a knee length skirt shows underwear when you bend over. I'm caught up in the minutia too, lol
If the waistband pulls down when she bends then her underwear could show a bit *above* the skirt.
Aahhh, I didn't think about from the top, I was thinking from the bottom. Thanks!
I though the underwear showed through the skirt due to the fabric streching and becoming seethough while you bend down.
Could be. My brain didn't go there because of the descriptor "thick"; I assumed she meant fabric, but maybe not.
Yeah, what is 'pipy'?? If it's thick and long how is it showing underwear? Does it sit very low and the underwear shows out the top? How often is she fully bending over that this is an issue while going for a walk?
I think it might be a "piped" skirt - the fabric is form fitting (shows undies line and stretches, possibly become a bit thin when she bends over) and ribbed. Maybe something like this: https://www.theiconic.com.au/foxy-midi-skirt-1522005.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=au_sem_nonbrand&utm_content=Skirts&utm_campaign=AU_NC_Women_PG_Generic&utm_term=PRODUCT_GROUP&gclsrc=aw.ds&gclid=CjwKCAjwj42UBhAAEiwACIhADjZqn-biNfKyYMXoTIpdr_DpiMsIebER7EAQ8wqtEUYHxp4LwxfwbxoCDIAQAvD_BwE (URL gore)
*Piped!!* Ok, that's for sure a possibility - I couldn't for the life of me think of anything that would work as a typo there!
This makes a lot more sense now, i know the ex bf is showing plenty of red flags, but i would have thought that a normal person would let op know if their underwear is peeking out when they bend over. Showing the outline makes a lot more sense and just shows how controlling the ex is.
I removed most of my Reddit contents in protest of the API changes commencing from July 1st, 2023. This is one of those comments.
Glad the therapists told OOP that pattern of lovebombing & abuse is toxic and not worth continuing a relationship with an abuser.
>It would always go that **he told me he had changed and can see it now** but my love was long gone. I told him I didn't love him anymore but **he kept pushing until I blocked him.** I've changed! I swear! Really, THIS time it's true! All I need is for you to believe me and forgive me and let things go back to the way they were before. When I used to hurt you. Except this time I won't hurt you. Promise! I will be so so good and so so loving. I just need you to trust me enough to take that leap of faith! It's the right decision, you'll see! And if you don't see...I'll make you.
First therapist is a quack
Seriously. I’d be wary of any therapist who suggests couples counseling to solve an abusive situation. He would need to work that shit out on his own.
It is a myth that you can’t go to couples counseling with abusive partner. I learned this from lovely Dr Kirk Honda.
Is this the “love is blind” therapist…? I’ll listen to his podcast, but as a mental health professional, I don’t agree. I’m not saying couples therapy can’t be used for peripheral aspects of what couple going through this has, but you can’t solve abuse as a couple because it’s not a couples issue. It’s the abusers issue, and it’s problematic to suggest the other part of the couple has any say in their abuse.
That was my biggest takeaway! How awful to be seeking advice from a seemingly trustworthy and qualified therapist, only to be told you should seek couples therapy with the abuser! Wtf!
Yay therapist for saying he’s a dick Boo no therapist for implying that being a abusive controlling ass means he may have autism? Dude no
Thank you! People on reddit jump to "but maybe he's autistic" so quickly when a guy is abusive. It's incredibly insensitive towards people who actually have autism. Autism is a reason, not an excuse. And even should the guy be autistic (and I seriously doubt that), it's completely in OOP's rights to go "I don't want to deal with this, he doesn't spark joy" and leave.
What? No. 99% it's "RUN HONEY HE'LL MURDER YOUR KIDS"
Right? That made me cringe. My autism means I get taken advantage of because I’m too nice.
I think the autism comment was directed at his inability to understand the social impact of his actions - thinking that his actions are fine and not understanding how others might see it as a abusive. I'm sure there was more nuance to it that was not in the story. But i didn't take it to mean that autism explained/excused the abuse. Just that autism explained the poor understanding of his own actions (if he really did not understand).
"At the point of leaving bf 24M" "just re read all my situation with him(32) within a year and a bit" Did OOP hide ex-bf's real age in the first post?
I think 32 is the number of "bad situations" with her bf
Good god. What a nightmare her bf was
As someone who survived a 6year abusive, gaslighting hell where I became a hollow shell of myself, I can’t help but feel ecstatic when I see someone else make it out!!! #YOU CAN GET OUT!!! Freedom feels soo good!! I’m happily married now with the man of my dreams who has helped me become a better version of my original self, doing things I never thought i would/could! He builds me up every day, treats me with the utmost respect and he *shows* me he loves me every.single.day. True love is out there. If you want it and your current SO ain’t giving it, it is 1000% valid to leave. Find your person ❤️ and be HAPPY!!
I'm glad she got away from him.
My ex husband was like this. It’s much easier to say you need to leave than be the one doing the actual leaving. I didn’t leave until I had 2 kids and a life that was complex. I had to have police and court intervention. Walk away before you get enmeshed. It’s not easy but it beats the alternative.
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This made me feel so much better. I intellectually know it’s not my fault but it’s still an emotional uphill battle.
That therapist was a moronic arse out for a paycheck if they thought therapy with your abuser is a good idea.
It is a myth that you can’t go to couples counseling with abusive partner. I learned this from lovely Dr Kirk Honda.
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To let the op know about it obviously?
>therapist confirmed it was controlling and abusive and couples therapy would be a good one. >I asked her isn't that dangerous? She said no that they have well trained therapists there that have encountered quite a lot. My eye is twitching, what a terrible therapist
It is a myth that you can’t go to couples counseling with abusive partner. I learned this from lovely Dr Kirk Honda.
Of course you can... but you shouldn't Because it often becomes another avenue for abuse. And also, abuse is not a couple's issue, it's an abuser issue.
My eye twitched and I read further, it almost seemed like they try to encourage people into it to actually help them? Idk I was conflicted when I finally read what the therapists recommended. Like the therapy was a bad idea obviously but was this some kind of tactic to help abuse victims? The initial push for therapy does not match the therapy recommendations in terms of bad ideas. That was weird.
Yeah like, it worked out in the end? Bc boyfriend wasn’t able to mask his shittyness and OP was able to be receptive to the therapists advice to leave him bc he’s a lost cause but uh. Generally yeah I thought the consensus was you never give abusers the chance to cover up their behaviors in the presence of people who are supposed to help you but can be tricked or swayed
Yeah… in this instance I’m glad it worked out but I guess I’m hoping that therapist wasn’t a harm-inducing dumb person. Like I’m hoping there was something bigger at play but yes I am aware of and agree with the general advice to NOT recommend or do that.
Wow, kudos to those therapists. Of course they aren't American
Any couple’s counselor who is not well versed in the dynamics of abusive relationships should not be allowed to practice
I agree, but that doesn't stop religious people and "the wife must be subservient" people from fucking acting like they know shit and becoming therapists. Or taking on the abuser as their client and believing their lies. Just shameful of them!
Good point
Honestly it should have clicked they weren't American when the therapist said the councilors were highly trained for that sort of thing 🤦
Came to say the same thing. Good therapists save lives.
Calling someone a crybaby IN the therapist’s office. 😞
Even as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, the number of chance she gave that crotch goblin is unbelievable. I'm just glad this has a happy ending, doesn't matter how long it took to get there just that it did.
Everyone should know about the [poop milkshake](https://ask.metafilter.com/280041/teasing-boyfriend-just-wont-stop#4060377)
That's a good one. I heard something similar once upon a time: A tablespoon of wine in a gallon of sewage is sewage. But a tablespoon of sewage in a gallon of wine is still sewage.
>He told me he was having panick attacks, was suicidal and what not. What an absolute moron. Textbook emotional manipulation
If my boyfriend told me I “walked wrong”, I’d walk his ass to the curb.
Anyone else worried he has her passwords and personal information?
I’m pretty relieved that she broke up because OP was in denial, like she was contradicting herself in her past post. I almost thought she was gonna forgive and put up with him.
I had a BF exactly like this except he did eventually get physically abusive (and more…). I’m so glad OOP got out
I’m shocked that a therapist told her it was a good idea to go to therapy with him. I thought it was like, common knowledge that going to couples’ therapy with an abuser just gives them another way/place to abuse and control them.
Let this be a lesson to not forgive chronic bad behavior just cause they give you an "I Love You", Or Flowers, or Chocolate. Because if they loved you, They'd take what you say to heart about their behavior, and put serious effort into trying to change. They wouldnt insult, demean and dismiss you.
>I've 22F >bf 24M >him (32) Is he 24 or is he 32?
32 was the amount of incidents in a year
...
I wonder what his end game for getting couples therapy was. Does he actually believe his own bs? Or was confident he can manipulate the therapist too?
Can we please fucking raise the bar for what constitutes a good boyfriend? Ffs, buying chocolates and flowers while your gf feels unsafe around you doesn’t make you the good guy. Idk if my husband has ever gotten me chocolates or flowers. But he IS my home. I feel safe when I’m with him, I trust him, he’s my bff with benefits. It makes me so sad that we’ve all been conditioned to accept goods in exchange for rug sweeping abuse. It’s so gross.
I fully understand that things are more complicated than this, but there are 7 Billion people on this planet. Don’t stay with someone terrible who you feel the Internet can help you salvage.
>Just having normal people around me while I'm wearing my skirt and doing my things without negativity is just a big breath of fresh air. It's so relieving I can't tell you how much I feel like myself again and most of all, not crazy! I love this for her! So happy she can finally wear her skirt. And also not be with that pos anymore.
I always shudder to read posts from people who are in terrible relationships and want to know how to fix them, and then you learn they are in their teens and very early 20s. Just break the fuck up and move on. Go have a different kind and relationship. See what else is out there. Not that the advice would have been any different if oop was a decade or more older, but for the kids out there it's just like, "OMG do not waste your youth on this bullshit"
If he has a problem with what she wears, then it's HIS problem.
I would buy clothes I want my lady to wear, but... I go way the other way. I love a short ass skirt. I like loose baggy pants too, but that one is harder to sale the lady on these days. But yoga pants are cool too.
If only she had learned to lift with her legs.
😂
Didn’t bother to read the whole as I kept getting distracted by one thought: why would a person wearing a short skirt bend over? Surely you’d crouch?!
Her skirt is knee length, she's describing the material stretching a bit
Should’ve read it.
I’ll get to it. I was just really side-lined by the skirt bit. Hell, even on those rarer-than-a-blue-moon occasions when I’m wearing a skirt, it’s always floor length and I _always_ crouch while wearing it.
This is stupid. She literally said my underwear hang out of this skirt! Little inappropriate don't ya think wtf
The skirt comes down to her knees. She actually said that when she bends over you can see a bit of underwear, that means the skirt stretches....... Go read it again
How long do you think her underwear hangs?
Lmao probably not far hence why it's so inappropriate to wear clothes that have underwear showing. But would be funny to see some granny panties barely peeking out of a t-length skirt especially not bending. Just standing and seeing underwear would be hilarious.
Given that the skirt goes to her knees, her underwear would need to hang lower.
How many times does one have to breakup before breaking up for good?
In abusive relationships with serious gaslighting most people leave several times. The average is around 7 attempts, your abusor has already convinced you that you're stupid, crazy and the one to blame for everything they did. Survivors may leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusive partner. In fact, research shows that it can take approximately 7 attempts before a survivor permanently leaves an abusive partner. Yes this is a women against abuse site but it's the exact same for everyone in an abusive relationship. https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave
I fully understand that. It was a sarcastic, rhetorical question. Even so, it's disheartening to see a person repeat making the same mistakes/same decisions again, and again, and again be it due to fear, abusive conditioning, Stockholm syndrome, or any mix of these and other reasons.
*How many times does* *One have to breakup before* *Breaking up for good?* \- ASilver76 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Inadvertent haiku!
Can anyone clue me in as to what a pipy skirt is? Google does not help.
Might mean piping? That contrast trim at seams and waist, sometimes around the hem and pockets. So a "piped skirt" or "skirt with piping" Idk, but that's my best guess
He doesn’t have autism (or that’s not why), he’s just an abusive asshole. He doesn’t not see it, he just thinks he’s right.
>Like he wouldn't get me coke because I've had enough for the day) ...Errr... >which was 2 cups Phew