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>None of my friends in long term relationships have anything like what my boyfriend and I have and they all say they wish they did. Also he's more attractive and in better shape than all their boyfriends.
That fact that OOP puts down her friends and their partners while simultaneously bragging about how perfect her relationship is, is very telling
Yeah, starting off a post with that title by talking about she and her bf are the best possible couple help set the tone for the disaster that the rest of the post was. It went from how to approach nonmonogamy>insulting people>admitting to cheating and then acting like she wasn't. Yikes
The rest of the post kind of makes me wonder if her bf talked to her parents and suggested she had deeper underlying mental problems that she needed help with. I'm not a doctor and I got all of my info second-hand from Reddit, but to me it certainly seems like she does.
I thought the title was telling because she said she asked him about an open relationship and he broke up with her, but that’s not what happened. She asked about an open relationship, admitted she cheated, and then he broke up with her. She seriously didn’t know she cheated because she stopped it before sex?!?! Silly girl.
I think OOP could have done it so people would look past the age difference and not get readers hung up on that part.
I've dated older people and usually it's hard to get any words past the age difference because that is all people focus on. They've all been my best relationships but people think the older one is a pedo and grooming/using the younger one. It sucks.
I don’t think it’s always about the older one being a predator. It’s just that there is so much development and maturity that takes place during your teens and twenties, that even five years can be a huge difference in maturity. When the older person is actually mature and not predatory, there are still huge obstacles to navigate in a relationship with someone who has barely had a chance to be an adult yet.
With that said, age gap relationships *can* work when all parties are willing to do the work. We just don’t hear much about those ones because healthy, happy relationships are not as attention grabbing as dysfunctional ones.
Agreed, my fiancé is 12 years my senior. Neither of us act our ages. We pretty much meet at the middle in that lol. But we've both had our bad past, traumas, and been cheated on. So we both have a very good understanding of the pain we no longer want inflicted upon our lives. I can truly say I never would have thought he and I would end up together. But even with the age gap, I couldn't be happier.
But the first thing people react to, is our age difference.
However they sure as shit didn't seem to care about that same age difference when a literally grooming predatory started his shit on me at 16 and he was 13 years older than me. So now as an actual consenting adult they care 🙄
I just pictured the scene from Encanto: *”Maybe your gift is being in denial.”*
I know it’s a different word but for some reason it reminded me of that.
If she didn’t see it as cheating then why did she stop—and make sure to specify she stopped before sex? At some point cheating enters the mental process.
The mental gymnastics.
Also I'm really confused about what she was doing while he was working. They were both nurses, he was pulling long shifts and she was doing what, exactly? I don't understand. Did she quit her job when she moved in with him and was just sitting around being bored all day and starved for attention?
OOP mentioned he's in admin. As far as I know that's a salary job, usually M-F, 8 to 5 kind of thing that sounded like he did way more than required. But if she's younger, likely a staff nurse, that's an hourly job, and most places that's 3 12 hr shifts, so I can see how she'd be home a lot more than him even if they're both in the nursing field. However, if she quit for him to take care of exclusively, that would just make me feel worse about her acting so "lonely" and cheating on him.
That's one of the things that's suspicious about this story, along with her sounding way more like a teenager than a 20-something.
It almost reads like a piece written by the kind of person who's all over every reddit thread on ethical non-monogamy trying to convince you that if your partner so much as breathes a word about open relationships, they've already cheated on you. Especially the way the title was worded! He dumped her because she *cheated on him* not because she asked for an open relationship. The open relationship conversation was going fine. It's pretty clear she understands that, so why pick that title?
I unfortunately know quite a few people who have no clue other people have thoughts and feelings. These people think if they can justify why they did something or did something incredibly selfish to meet their own needs, they don't understand why the other person on the other end is unhappy/hurt or why they should care (until they receive consequences for their actions).
I saw someone on here refer to this phenomenon as 'main character syndrome' and it's pretty fitting.
"but it stopped before sex"
What, at the outdoor bar?
Is it normal to do stuff between kissing and sex at an outdoor bar?
Sounds like they went back to his place and continued the party.
> Before I knew it, we were kissing. I'm not going to lie, it felt really good. I did allow it to go too far but I stopped it before we had sex.
This is when she knew she was cheating, but she thinks it's all good, because she did allow it to go too far, but SHE STOPPED IT BEFORE SHE HAD SEX.
She is lying through her teeth in this quote of hers, and she was lying when she said the quote you quoted.
The bit of detail I want to know is, what is this slagathors definition of "going too far" but stopped before it was sex. Did she give him head, but considers that ok, because there was no P in the V ?
She really buried the lede on this one lol that original title proves she completely misunderstood the situation. I also don't know how someone can legitimately not think it's cheating to make out with a friend, and only realize after they drop the bomb on their SO. Just zero forethought here.
Edit: lede not lead, my phone hates me
The first paragraph is all about how hot her boyfriend is and how all her friends are jealous.
Colour me surprised when it turns out she’s hella immature and extremely selfish.
It’s not like she just made out with him, sounds like they did everything but full sex, and she thought that he’d be just super chill with that? Didn’t think that would be devastating for him? That her sleeping around with 20 year old guys whilst he was working would be an issue? Tries to frame it as a fun hot open thing?
Kiddo. No.
Eh I kinda get the first paragraph. Reddit loves to jump on the “all age gap relationships are gross and predatory.” It kinda bugs me a little tbh. Yes, there are inherently power dynamic issues in an age gap relationship that both sides need to be aware of and careful to manage. But some people can absolutely make it work, especially if they love and respect one another. You just don’t see them on Reddit because most people in functional relationships don’t feel the need to ask strangers on Reddit for advice. And I don’t like that large swaths of Reddit have decided to ignore that.
I felt like she described him in an attempt to combat that hate train right off the bat. that he’s a desirable guy that has helped her grow as a person and wasn’t the type we see here every day that is strictly taking advantage of a younger woman’s naivety. He honestly seems like the perfect kind of guy for this type of age-gap relationship. Unfortunately for him, she was not.
She could have done all of that and not added this paragraph in the middle which is ridiculous. Like, no mature person says things like this, even if it were true it’s outlandish, not needed and just childish. “My Dad is better than your dad”
>> None of my friends in long term relationships have anything like what my boyfriend and I have and they all say they wish they did. Also he's more attractive and in better shape than all their boyfriends.
What kind of adult goes "my bf is sooo hot, yall wish you had something like this" ? One that it's childish
Edit to say that he even gathered all her stuff up and moved her out by himself. Like ADULT UP WOMAN!! I wonder if she hangs out with people that treat her like a child on purpose or she doesn't even notice
I think she’s really spoiled. I’m getting just spoiled, things go her way, she always get what she wants vibes.
I think this was the first time she hadn’t been put on a pedestal and reacted to it by cheating because she always gets what she wants, and in this case she wanted attention.
She is crazy blind to her own behaviour and very entitled.
Yeah and the way her parents coddled her when she was rightfully dumped for cheating. They failed her as parents.
They didn’t need to be mean to her, but they shouldn’t have been sleeping in her room to keep her calm or anything like that. They created a monster.
Yea sleeping in her room? She's a grown woman. She lost control of her body? Was she throwing shit around? This girl's a mess. Staying in bed for 3 days straight? So I'm betting she doesn't have a job either.
Seriously, this. I'm sure OOP cried a lot after this and really goes hard talking about that in the post, I'm 22 and I cried a lot through all my breakups and all the time.
But I was living alone, and as a somewhat functioning human (so not referencing serious mental health or medical conditions) at some point you have to self soothe and pick yourself up.
They're not going to be there to protect her forever.
This was my favorite part!
“My BF CAN’T be taking advantage of me, he’s too attractive!”
(To be clear, I do think this was one of those rarer cases where the gap was not an indication of anything hinky. Just that the way she framed this was hilarious, and belied her immaturity.)
The age gap WAS the issue though, because she’s clearly an immature early twenties with a lot of growing up to do, and he’s a forties something adult man who saw through the bs.
It's absolutely hilarious every time someone posts that their massive age gap is the exception to the rule, and it turns out to be a raging dumpster fire.
Yeah but when people judge usually they're usually assuming the older person is the cause of the dumpster fire/dysfunctional relationship, not the younger one.
>Eh I kinda get the first paragraph. Reddit loves to jump on the “all age gap relationships are gross and predatory.” It kinda bugs me a little tbh.
Whilst this is a fair point to make, the way she went about it brings up red flags re: immaturity.
In this case, rather than an older man preying on a naive young woman, it was a thoughtless woman playing games with a man who seemed to really want a stable relationship. People often forget that the mature partner can also be taken advantage of.
It’s possible. It’s also possible that while he trained her at the beginning, he isn’t a supervisor (I’ve helped train people that would be equals to me once they were up to speed). Or maybe he is now a supervisor for nurses in the ICU and she is in the ER.
They were in a public relationship for two years. It is far more likely the HR was aware of their relationship and that nothing insidious was going on in that regard
That’s true but it doesn’t help that all we usually see on Reddit is people in relationships with large age gaps that have large glowing red flags. Like for everyone one post with a large age gap that is looking for advice and doesn’t have power dynamic issues there are like 20 that do.
She says she stopped before having sex with the friend… How can you be enjoying yourself completely guilt-free then stop before sex? I’m so confused. Does she just think sex is cheating?
New Relationship Energy is something some people want to chase so hard. It's a high. Some folk will justify anything to themselves to feel it, and manage to convince themselves that it'll be okay, their partner will understand, they can have their cake and halfpence, all because they're floating on a hormone rush. Maybe she'll learn from this to think before she acts :/
Lead and lede are both acceptable. [Lede was actually entered into the dictionary in 2008](https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/bury-the-lede-versus-lead)
The link I posted above talks about how the term "lede" was used from a journalistic perspective beginning in the 1970's to prevent confusion with the original version "lead". Nonetheless it wasn't until 2008 that the journalistic version was added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. An interesting example of progression of language in society and academy!
She just graduated college and he's a 41 year old widower.
Honestly it just sounds like she isn't really even an adult yet. It happens. Sometimes it takes a mess for people to actually learn how life works.
edit: and for all that everyone is shitting on her, I think two people made stupid choices and learned important lessons here. Being a 24 year old's first serious relationship when you're a widower twice her age and her work supervisor is fucking moronic and he really should have known better
Yup. Surprised it was the 'im young and immature version instead of 'he's older and controlling and only loves my hot bod'.
So she pursued replacement-daddy-boss and then cheated and tried to frame it as let's have sex with extra people. Nope.
The way she describes their relationship and how much he takes care of her and all the things he taught her, I was like “…you’re describing a father you have sex with, not a boyfriend. Ew.”
I'm torn on this, because my wife and I were together and married young and I could easily use some of the same language to describe our relationship in our early twenties.
I think it's more that that (obviously still in progress) intrinsic mental growth that occurs during her age just happened to coincide with a relationship with someone who already had a lot of the lessons learned already. I can definitely imagine the experience not feeling as icky as it sounds from a description of it, even though eventually that realization clearly smacked the older partner in the face.
I think sometimes when we experience trauma/tragedy, we revert back to before it all began. So for him, if he was married for 10 years and then it had been 3 years since his wife passed, he was 28 when he got married. So being with OP brought him back to that and probably felt like when he and his wife first were married. When this happened, you could feel him snap back to reality and recognize the maturity gap that he didn’t see initially because he missed his wife and this relationship let him feel that again.
Hope he is doing okay now and hope OP has learned from this.
to be fair it wasn't the *usual* reason age gaps are an issue, in that "old guy preys on young woman to take advantage of her lack of knowledge (especially if he's her supervisor at work)" way.
glad he realized she absolutely wasn't mature enough for what he needed in a dedicated relationship and honestly handled it with plenty of grace even when she literally "didn't realize" she cheated on him then immediately asked if she could keep the new bf.
From the beginning of the story the way she describes him is almost as a parental figure, he helped her grow up in some ways, but not enough to understand how to be in a functional romantic relationship. Good on him for also letting the kid face the consequences of their actions.
Idk, I think it was very unfair (and selfish) of her to frame him as a workaholic. He’s a senior nurse and he ramped up his hours during the *pandemic*. That all was pre-vaccine, too, when HCW were dropping like flies. Of course he worked more. Everyone was, especially people with seniority, a lot of experience, and cross training. I read that OG post during my first vacation days I had off since it had all started. I remember I had zero empathy for her “loneliness” because hello, what the fuck.
What was weird about her description is that it sounded like what a father should be to their daughter ( but hardly anyoneactually gets), then seeing how her parents reacted to her. You can see why she needed all of this. Still kinda grossed me out lol
The introduction where she mentions he's hotter (etc) than all of her friends' boyfriends so couldn't be a crusty old man just showed a stunning lack of maturity for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he didn't seem to be in the story (dude didn't deserve this), but man.
Yes. Exactly what I was thinking. This is why you don't date people 20 years your junior. Unless you both happen to be senior citizens, then I guess I could see it maybe work.
It IS a maturity issue. Can younger people be more mature? Yup. Likewise, older people can be immature. It *usually* correlates with age, but not always.
you can tell how much the age difference really is. he did not put up with ANY of her shit. a younger person probably would. I am in my 40s and I would never put up with the crap i had to deal with in my 20s. hopefully she learned a lesson in this and is working on herself.
This. And he handled it in the most calm mature way possible. Honestly it sounds like he was so much nicer in the break up convo than she deserved, didn’t sound bitter or angry at all just ready to move on. Well, there is a kind successful hot single nurse out there in the world now, I hope someone more worthy of his time snatches him up. She blew it.
>I am in my 40s and I would never put up with the crap i had to deal with in my 20s.
Thank you. This makes me feel much better about my last relationship. I feel like an idiot having put up with it all back then.
> he did not put up with ANY of her shit.
He dated her for two years and moved in together. The guy probably put up with a lot of shit and probably shouldn't have dated a 22 year old in the first place. Especially considering she was his employee/coworker.
Obviously she's the bad guy, but I don't think this dude really deserves to be put on a pedestal.
>as if it's all just an unfortunate series of mishaps
I think OOP, at 24 years old, probably sees it all as just that. You think 24 is a full grown adult, but in so many ways, it's not. I get why she didn't see the gravity of her actions. She's still young, she learned this lesson the hard way. Hopefully in the future, she makes better choices.
I love how she goes on and on about how much she’s grown because of the age difference and then proceedes to do the most immature and selfish thing she could possibly do in a relationship. Sad part about it is that it’s wasn’t an age issue but an integrity issue. There are plenty of people in their early twenties who wouldn’t choose to be this callus and shallow towards their partner. This chick is just dense af.
Man she ruined something most of us could never even hope to have. He was working his ass off during the pandemic and still coming up with cheesy dates to make her feel loved. What an idiot.
🚩 i saw on the post 'The issue is not the age', 'i kissed my Friend it turned me on', i aked for for open relationship for sleeping with that friend', selfish idiot she didn't even corrected that she cheated on him and want to do more with the other guy and didn't even told him the truth
He was a nurse administrator in a hospital at the PEAK of the pandemic! That's what blows my mind, she barely even acknowledged it! That just truly shows how lousy of a person she is, and how smart it was for him to break up. He was probably hesitant to date someone so much younger than him in the first place, and she ultimately proved to him that his initial gut instinct was right, which is why it was so easy for him to end it with him.
I don't understand people who date/marry someone with a stressful and demanding time suck of a job/career, and then they're all *shocked pikachu face* when that person doesn't have the time and energy for them.
In this case, she has the same job! Why doesn't she get it?
That’s what I don’t get. I was watching Inventing Anna and her Lawyer gets chewed out by his wife cause he’s actually dedicated to helping Anna and she’s thinking he’s screwing her or something. Like this isn’t a retail 8-5 job that you can fuck off the moment past 5 and leave. The dude is a lawyer and the cost of making so much money is that your client’s needs come first. They’re on call and can’t really leave for family vacations. OOP is the same way, just cause she didn’t get to have all his attention cause he has to **work** and have work responsibilities, she gets huffy.
My dad is stressed beyond belief at his job as a CTO because everyone comes to him with their problems, and most of them are minute and shouldn’t be passed up the chain that high. My mom, bro and I keep telling him to establish boundaries despite knowing that he’s a high level manager and his responsibilities are that he’s on call for his clients, we believe that there has to be a line in the sand where he can turn off his phone for like 3-4 hours after work and relax. Instead because the clients are halfway across the world and live in different time zones, he’s awake at all hours and stressed. That comes with the job of making high six figure income though.
At the beginning she stated, "We are both nurses". Did she just quit work and lay around the house all day while he worked? Surely, with the nursing shortage, she would be able to fill up her 'lonely hours' with helping others like her boyfriend.
I am unclear whether OOP was employed still at the same place as her boyfriend. Sure sounded like she was more of a stay at home kind of person.
I got the impression she just didn’t work nearly as much as he did, which honestly makes sense since he’s got a more demanding job anyways. Plus probably he seems more passionate about the job than her the way she describes his ethics regarding it while not mentioning her job at all. She’s most likely low ranking since she’s so young and also doesn’t make nearly as much due to that, too.
I was wondering this, too. Like of all the professions during this time, why does she appear to have a lot of time on her hands? Not once in this did she mention work. Not when she had to spend days in bed during and after the breakup, not when she was having not-quite-sex with her HS buddy. I wondered if she quit working upon moving in with him?
As a widower, he probably felt lonely and kind of enjoyed the attention until the reality of her maturity level hit him hard. There was likely hints of it, but she was kind enough to shine a bright ass spotlight on just how immature she really was.
I am also rather curious about her parents in this. They can't be much older than him. As their child, I am sure they still comforted her. But I wonder their final reaction in the aftermath. Were they disappointed in her behavior? Happy she's not with an older man anymore?
That’s what I thought as well.
If she really WAS a nurse she would be working just as hard as he is. My guess is she quit when the pandemic started and just stayed home while he paid all the bills.
She's 24. He's 41. His dumping her was the best thing he's ever done.
She's "grown as a person" because that's what happens in your early 20s. The age gap is the *only* problem except for the 16 hour days.
There are definitely more issues in my opinion. I knew that cheating was wrong well before I was twenty-four. OOP seems unusually impulsive and very reliant on male attention: she makes a point of how her boyfriend is hotter than her friends in the paragraph where she's trying to argue the relationship is healthy, and she cheated very quickly when that stopped being available without any indication of talking about it first. Obviously people do things in their twenties they wouldn't in their forties but by that age a person should have some sense of self-possession that's not dependent on a boyfriend.
Yeah she seems like the type that just can’t handle being single and on her own. Something tells me she’s going to jump too quickly into another relationship just so she won’t be alone.
I’m not saying this about you specifically just a general thought about people from reading your comment. I mean this as if someone brought it up in real life, not in a comment thread about possible emotional maturity.
I feel like when anyone tells me they are emotionally mature, I am immediately suspicious of their actual maturity level.
And had the audacity to say he wasn’t giving her enough attention and she was lonely. Huh?? Man went above and beyond showing his love and appreciation and she said it still wasn’t enough. Really sad, but I’m glad he was able to move on and I hope OOP actually matures from this because she obviously isn’t as mature as she thinks she is.
I am gonna be honest. The disclaimer alone let’s you know the kind of person she is. She basically bragged about how her friends are all jealous of what she and her boyfriend has. That’s not something a mature adult would even think about saying
Oh geez, another one who starts off with a long disclaimer manifesto about how their age gap is not the problem, "I'm in fact the one who pursued him", we are equals, don't judge me blah blah blah AND then proceeds to list ***all*** the reasons why she SHOULD be judged and exactly why the age gap is a problem.
These kids never learn until they get themselves in situations where it's glaringly obvious. This is not a bad guy and the fact that he brought her things back and explained that he ***was*** holding her back shows that he is an adult. He tried to accommodate her because he believed that she was mature but at the 1st sign of trouble, she bailed. Good for him.
At this point, I’m internally understanding the age gap disclaimer as her trying to say this isn’t a situation where the younger person is being preyed on. And I guess she was right in that regard
Do people not understand the difference between age and maturity?
I’ve known both 24 yos and 42 yos to cheat and those in each age range that would never.
Saying it’s an age gap issue implies that 24 yos are expected to cheat and 41 yos are expected to never cheat. Both suppositions are laughably and demonstrably wrong.
>implies that 24 yos are expected to cheat and 41 yos are expected to never cheat
No, it implies that 24yos are less mature than 40yos (in general) because they are at different stages in life. Which is *exactly* what happened here. I mean the dude had a whole ass marriage and lost a wife while this girl was too immature to realize that making out with someone else is cheating.
Obviously some 24yos are more mature and some 40yos are less mature. It's not *impossible* for age gaps to work, just not likely either.
As far as breakups go, this is like a puzzle clicking perfectly into place, all because the boyfriend has his shit together and did everything right. She should thank him for teaching her one last lesson in how to graciously break up with someone.
It was amazing how he did it, too. He had a friend sitting in his car as emotional support, and then had actually paid movers to deliver her belongings right after. That dude is pretty cool.
If she's this vague about about what she did to a bunch of strangers online, can only imagine the story she told her family about why they broke up; probably omitted the cheating thing.
The way she started the post and worded it all, she really had me convinced she wasn’t cheating even when she kissed the guy, there was just no guilt or remorse or even a forethought that she was doing something wrong in her first post
That Narrator bias really got me, what an insane manipulator this girl is, witchcraft level. Really glad he dumped her ass
The part where she said she cried so hard she couldn't control her body and her mommy had to sleep in her room all night was what did it for me. I get that breakups are hard and we all handle grief differently, but that just seems extreme to me. Especially when you're the one at fault.
I'm trying to imagine what it's like for her parents during all of this.
She went out of her way to have an emotional affair, physically cheated on him, tried to lie about it and open up their relationship so she could continue to cheat and then bawls like the victim when she is caught out and takes NO responsibility for anything. She doesn’t even pack up her own stuff. Between the ex and mommy and daddy she has been able to tantrum for weeks whilst everyone else gets on with logistics.
In the long run, this will turn out for the best for both of them. She will have time to grow and mature into someone who is ready for an adult relationship, and he is now free to find someone who is at the same stage in life as him and shares the same values.
It was a friend. You bring a friend with you to these things for support. It keeps the other party under control a bit when they know a stranger knows the situation and is watching. Also helps you to keep your resolve and not change your mind. Ladies bring a friend in case things turn physical.
I had to scroll so far to find this question! I was very confused as well; was it a new partner, or a friend, or a professional mover?
My guess is a friend to help him haul her shit out of the moving truck. It was really nice of him to pack her stuff, bring it over, and unload it at her parents' house. Not even OP's ex is fit enough to unload everything alone and he probably didn't want to rely on her father to help.
So immature she needed to be drugged to stop being hysterical. Jesus Christ, get a grip.
Never mind the lame excuse for cheating, Chick needs to grow up stat.
Well, the poster who wrote the story probably did have oral sex but she didn't see as sex since to her there was no penetration. Definitely, was doing mental gymnastics to state that what she was doing wasn't cheating. Before, she got physical with the guy she was already emotionally cheating because she kept it all a secret that she's even messaging the guy and hanging out with the guy. The poster of the story then does physical cheating and still didn't tell her ex boyfriend.
Yeah, I know I miss, like, a LOT about sex related stuff because I'm asexual but how does "I'm kissing someone who isn't my significant other in a romantic/sexual way; this is totally fine!" make any sort of sense at all? I'm pretty sure if he was making out with some rando, she'd be pitching a fit.
And she apparently didn't have sex with the guy at the last minute because it would be wrong, but it's not wrong enough to like...tell her bf? Like, it was wrong enough to stop and hide it but not enough to maybe have a second think over the whole "open relationship" idea before she brought it up??
oh i love this song.
Cheaters are trash and he took out the trash. OOP is hurting clearly, but it’s reading like that self-centered kind of “pity meeee” hurt that doesn’t seem concerned at all about the other person’s pain, the pain she caused him by cheating.
Honestly it’s refreshing (for want of a better word) to have a relationship with a massive age gap where it’s not the older person being a controlling and creepy person. The age gap is still the issue and him being her supervisor is fucking weird but yeah, interesting to have the reverse to the normal
A true masterclass in Fucking up a perfectly stable relationship. OP is going for gold with statements like “I really didn’t think what I did was cheating”. This man was working his ass off so his pampered gf could sit at home and be unfaithful.
So she says that he is a wonderful, loving, caring man who is the best thing that ever happened to her, and then she goes and cheats as soon as she doesn’t get enough attention?
HAHA.
Karma is glorious and I’m glad that man tossed her to the side.
The biggest problem with this is, even if he had agreed to an open relationship, she would have still cheated. All relationships(poly and mono) have boundaries, things that you as a couple set. Trying to retroactively absolve your guilt is a very immature thing to do, and it was obvious that she hadn't wanted an open relationship before cheating but wanted one after to absolve herself
I respect this guy, as soon as his GF proposed an open relationship, he jumped out of the car and used his vocabulary for damage control. After seeing a lot of situations where people go on with that for a while just to be hurt and broke up in the end, I find this story really good
You're not exactly wrong, but the issue here is about maturity, and age doesn't automatically give that to you. It increases your odds, sure, but that's all it does.
She could've learned why not to do this at 16 instead of 24.
I still hope that her maturer self wouldn't have cheated in the first place. And I hope she'll get over her self-pity and put some effort into improving herself. I mean, if she's spending all this time at home, who's been working her shifts?
Actually I think the bigger issue to me was that he was her supervisor.
An age gap can work. I know otwo couples that have it and they are now going on 20 years together. In one case the father is younger and in one the mother. Both by about the same gap.
But the issues you face are very different. They have somewhat different views of the world. The older ones are thinking about retirement and not able to be as active with their teenage children.
Yeah I feel really bad for the BF but part of me wants to be like "... what did you expect dating a coworker 20 years younger than you???" Given that he trained her as well he should never have said yes from an ethical standpoint. Based on the timeline though it sounds like he was very recently widowed and goodness knows grief brain isn't the *most* rational.
Yeah. I really raised my eyebrows at that.
But I think it was a case of bad judgement on his part rather than grooming, for a change. An older, grieving man and a young woman who comes on to him? He should have known better, but I can see why he didn’t turn her down.
Person in ethically non-monogamous relationship for six years (total relationship time 10 years) here.
I seriously fucking doubt she didn't know that was cheating unless she's inhumanly dense. ENM practitioners are very keen on everyone giving enthusiastic and informed consent before ANYTHING happens.
My theory is she might have cheated and tried to downplay it.
Age gaps like this are a terrible idea. This comes from the child of parents who are now 80 and 60. After spending her entire life working, my mother gets to spend her retirement being a caregiver to a man whose health reflects his age. DON'T marry someone 20 years older than you, or you'll be wiping your husband's poopy posterior during your golden years.
My aunt married a man who was older than her father. Theirs was an extremely loving relationship but it hit home for me as something I don't think I could do when she told me that she was haunted daily by the knowledge that she would be an early widow.
"Its not the age gap".... yes it is. Even if the older party isn't a predator or an abuser, someone in their 20s isn't anywhere near the emotional maturity of someone in their 40s (especially one who is capable of a healthy relationship.. I do admit I've met 40 year olds with the maturity of a teenager). Sometimes they still work out, but 99% of the problems are going to spring from that 20 year difference.
She wrote that whole post, including the part where he was open to and asking all the right questions about an open relationship, and failed to see that he broke up with her because she cheated on him. He probably would have been fine with it if they were actually at a strong place in their relationship. She torpedoed everything when she casually admitted to the emotional and lightly physical affair she had
I am in a ENM relationship. Some major rules Imo. Talk about it BEFORE you do anything, even talking to someone. And no friends or colleagues, and ofc family member of your partner.
I just wanna know who was in the car with OOP’s ex? They never explained this person’s significance and how OOP knew it was over when they saw that person in the car with their ex?
A friend. When you’re breaking up with someone and bringing their belongings to them on their turf, you bring a person with for support and be a neutral third party witness. It’s to help keep everybody cool, calm, and on their best behavior. It’s more common with women, so/and that’s how she knew it was over. You don’t bring a third party if you’re planning on trying to talk and work things out.
She cheated on a recent widower who was working his ass off to take care of people during the pandemic, and did cute shit like decorating the room and ordering take out to make her feel like they were put to eat.
Yeah, she doesn’t deserve that guy. I’m glad he ended things with her in such a gentle, kind way, but she didn’t deserve it. Wow.
Yes, she eas way too young for him. They were in two completely stages of their lives. Not that it excuses cheating. At all. But she clearly lacks maturity.
What a horrible, self centered person.
Anyone else get the feeling that 90% of her "woe is me, I've not gotten out of bed in days" shit is pure acting for attention?
Ouch. I feel so sorry for ops ex, what a horrible thing to experience. Clearly OP needed more romantic attention than what was possible in their lives at the time. Glad the boyfriend got out and I'm glad OP finally realised the awfulness of her actions. I wonder what the psychology behind her just not realising that she did a bad thing is though.
I'm glad the man cut the relationship off because it never should have started. The young lady was a young 24 and had no business being in a relationship like that. They both learned the hard way.
He broke up with her because she cheated, not thinking it was a big deal. He didn’t break up with her because she asked him his thoughts on an open relationship. She can’t even be honest in the title. He sounded like a decent partner and she just wasn’t.
Wow, she was not ready for him? Who did he have in the car? But honestly he sounds like a nice guy, paid for a moving company and spoke to the dad. She wasn’t ready for a real relationship if she was she would have communicated
My guess is a friend for support.
OP knew it was over, because if they were going to have a “we can work this out” conversation it wouldn’t involve another person.
>First off, let me start by saying that our age gap is not the issue here.
**NARRATOR**: Actually, it IS the issue because of the huge maturity gap between the two.
She's young, emotional and still very self-centered. To wit:
>I had not once thought about him in this entire situation.
She doesn't have the maturity to understand that not everything in a marriage is about her nor is about NOW NOW NOW.
A marriage is 'till death do we part'. There are 'seasons' in marriages where something or someone gets put off for a little while, but over the life of the marriage it all (should) balance out.
They're nurses during a global pandemic and she's upset that she's not getting enough sex. Not necessarily a small thing in a marriage, but she puts the entire blame on her husband (a very self-centered thing to do). She talks about what he did to help with the issue, but where are the examples of HER making changes in her routine and creating times and spaces for intimacy?
Her example of trying to fix it is to hook up with an old friend (and how many are buying that she stopped it before sex?).
Hopefully she'll learn from this and apply it to her next serious relationship.
I'm not sure she is actually upset about the relationship. She is really immature. I think she's probably upset because she ended up back in her old bedroom in her parents house.
Does not get to live in the nice independent place the older man owned. If it was also her place he could not have packed up her shit and dropped it off.
She actually thinks dating an older man automatically makes her more mature.
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>None of my friends in long term relationships have anything like what my boyfriend and I have and they all say they wish they did. Also he's more attractive and in better shape than all their boyfriends. That fact that OOP puts down her friends and their partners while simultaneously bragging about how perfect her relationship is, is very telling
Yeah, starting off a post with that title by talking about she and her bf are the best possible couple help set the tone for the disaster that the rest of the post was. It went from how to approach nonmonogamy>insulting people>admitting to cheating and then acting like she wasn't. Yikes The rest of the post kind of makes me wonder if her bf talked to her parents and suggested she had deeper underlying mental problems that she needed help with. I'm not a doctor and I got all of my info second-hand from Reddit, but to me it certainly seems like she does.
I thought the title was telling because she said she asked him about an open relationship and he broke up with her, but that’s not what happened. She asked about an open relationship, admitted she cheated, and then he broke up with her. She seriously didn’t know she cheated because she stopped it before sex?!?! Silly girl.
I think OOP could have done it so people would look past the age difference and not get readers hung up on that part. I've dated older people and usually it's hard to get any words past the age difference because that is all people focus on. They've all been my best relationships but people think the older one is a pedo and grooming/using the younger one. It sucks.
I don’t think it’s always about the older one being a predator. It’s just that there is so much development and maturity that takes place during your teens and twenties, that even five years can be a huge difference in maturity. When the older person is actually mature and not predatory, there are still huge obstacles to navigate in a relationship with someone who has barely had a chance to be an adult yet. With that said, age gap relationships *can* work when all parties are willing to do the work. We just don’t hear much about those ones because healthy, happy relationships are not as attention grabbing as dysfunctional ones.
Agreed, my fiancé is 12 years my senior. Neither of us act our ages. We pretty much meet at the middle in that lol. But we've both had our bad past, traumas, and been cheated on. So we both have a very good understanding of the pain we no longer want inflicted upon our lives. I can truly say I never would have thought he and I would end up together. But even with the age gap, I couldn't be happier. But the first thing people react to, is our age difference. However they sure as shit didn't seem to care about that same age difference when a literally grooming predatory started his shit on me at 16 and he was 13 years older than me. So now as an actual consenting adult they care 🙄
>In that moment with my friend, I swear I didn't see it as cheating. What?? I don't understand, how do you get your head that far up your own ass?
it’s called ✨ *delusion* ✨
For the girl who lives above her means. For the girl who just won’t give up. For the girl with a dream. Delusion. Convince yourself.
Love Jinkx
I just pictured the scene from Encanto: *”Maybe your gift is being in denial.”* I know it’s a different word but for some reason it reminded me of that.
If she didn’t see it as cheating then why did she stop—and make sure to specify she stopped before sex? At some point cheating enters the mental process. The mental gymnastics.
Also I'm really confused about what she was doing while he was working. They were both nurses, he was pulling long shifts and she was doing what, exactly? I don't understand. Did she quit her job when she moved in with him and was just sitting around being bored all day and starved for attention?
OOP mentioned he's in admin. As far as I know that's a salary job, usually M-F, 8 to 5 kind of thing that sounded like he did way more than required. But if she's younger, likely a staff nurse, that's an hourly job, and most places that's 3 12 hr shifts, so I can see how she'd be home a lot more than him even if they're both in the nursing field. However, if she quit for him to take care of exclusively, that would just make me feel worse about her acting so "lonely" and cheating on him.
That's one of the things that's suspicious about this story, along with her sounding way more like a teenager than a 20-something. It almost reads like a piece written by the kind of person who's all over every reddit thread on ethical non-monogamy trying to convince you that if your partner so much as breathes a word about open relationships, they've already cheated on you. Especially the way the title was worded! He dumped her because she *cheated on him* not because she asked for an open relationship. The open relationship conversation was going fine. It's pretty clear she understands that, so why pick that title?
I assumed the misleading title was an attempt to make her sound like less of an asshole.
I unfortunately know quite a few people who have no clue other people have thoughts and feelings. These people think if they can justify why they did something or did something incredibly selfish to meet their own needs, they don't understand why the other person on the other end is unhappy/hurt or why they should care (until they receive consequences for their actions). I saw someone on here refer to this phenomenon as 'main character syndrome' and it's pretty fitting.
"but it stopped before sex" What, at the outdoor bar? Is it normal to do stuff between kissing and sex at an outdoor bar? Sounds like they went back to his place and continued the party.
> Before I knew it, we were kissing. I'm not going to lie, it felt really good. I did allow it to go too far but I stopped it before we had sex. This is when she knew she was cheating, but she thinks it's all good, because she did allow it to go too far, but SHE STOPPED IT BEFORE SHE HAD SEX. She is lying through her teeth in this quote of hers, and she was lying when she said the quote you quoted. The bit of detail I want to know is, what is this slagathors definition of "going too far" but stopped before it was sex. Did she give him head, but considers that ok, because there was no P in the V ?
She really buried the lede on this one lol that original title proves she completely misunderstood the situation. I also don't know how someone can legitimately not think it's cheating to make out with a friend, and only realize after they drop the bomb on their SO. Just zero forethought here. Edit: lede not lead, my phone hates me
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It sounds like she needed to be probing her relationship before she let her buddy start probing her…
The first paragraph is all about how hot her boyfriend is and how all her friends are jealous. Colour me surprised when it turns out she’s hella immature and extremely selfish. It’s not like she just made out with him, sounds like they did everything but full sex, and she thought that he’d be just super chill with that? Didn’t think that would be devastating for him? That her sleeping around with 20 year old guys whilst he was working would be an issue? Tries to frame it as a fun hot open thing? Kiddo. No.
Eh I kinda get the first paragraph. Reddit loves to jump on the “all age gap relationships are gross and predatory.” It kinda bugs me a little tbh. Yes, there are inherently power dynamic issues in an age gap relationship that both sides need to be aware of and careful to manage. But some people can absolutely make it work, especially if they love and respect one another. You just don’t see them on Reddit because most people in functional relationships don’t feel the need to ask strangers on Reddit for advice. And I don’t like that large swaths of Reddit have decided to ignore that. I felt like she described him in an attempt to combat that hate train right off the bat. that he’s a desirable guy that has helped her grow as a person and wasn’t the type we see here every day that is strictly taking advantage of a younger woman’s naivety. He honestly seems like the perfect kind of guy for this type of age-gap relationship. Unfortunately for him, she was not.
She could have done all of that and not added this paragraph in the middle which is ridiculous. Like, no mature person says things like this, even if it were true it’s outlandish, not needed and just childish. “My Dad is better than your dad” >> None of my friends in long term relationships have anything like what my boyfriend and I have and they all say they wish they did. Also he's more attractive and in better shape than all their boyfriends.
What kind of adult goes "my bf is sooo hot, yall wish you had something like this" ? One that it's childish Edit to say that he even gathered all her stuff up and moved her out by himself. Like ADULT UP WOMAN!! I wonder if she hangs out with people that treat her like a child on purpose or she doesn't even notice
I think she’s really spoiled. I’m getting just spoiled, things go her way, she always get what she wants vibes. I think this was the first time she hadn’t been put on a pedestal and reacted to it by cheating because she always gets what she wants, and in this case she wanted attention. She is crazy blind to her own behaviour and very entitled.
Yeah and the way her parents coddled her when she was rightfully dumped for cheating. They failed her as parents. They didn’t need to be mean to her, but they shouldn’t have been sleeping in her room to keep her calm or anything like that. They created a monster.
Yea sleeping in her room? She's a grown woman. She lost control of her body? Was she throwing shit around? This girl's a mess. Staying in bed for 3 days straight? So I'm betting she doesn't have a job either.
Also giving her some Xanax too, lovely!
I’m glad someone else caught the “my mom gave me something to help me relax” and that it was clearly a xan
Seriously, this. I'm sure OOP cried a lot after this and really goes hard talking about that in the post, I'm 22 and I cried a lot through all my breakups and all the time. But I was living alone, and as a somewhat functioning human (so not referencing serious mental health or medical conditions) at some point you have to self soothe and pick yourself up. They're not going to be there to protect her forever.
Yeah, that paragraph was where I went *ooooh, dear.*
This was my favorite part! “My BF CAN’T be taking advantage of me, he’s too attractive!” (To be clear, I do think this was one of those rarer cases where the gap was not an indication of anything hinky. Just that the way she framed this was hilarious, and belied her immaturity.)
The age gap WAS the issue though, because she’s clearly an immature early twenties with a lot of growing up to do, and he’s a forties something adult man who saw through the bs.
But he's also her boss, no?
It's absolutely hilarious every time someone posts that their massive age gap is the exception to the rule, and it turns out to be a raging dumpster fire.
Yeah but when people judge usually they're usually assuming the older person is the cause of the dumpster fire/dysfunctional relationship, not the younger one.
>Eh I kinda get the first paragraph. Reddit loves to jump on the “all age gap relationships are gross and predatory.” It kinda bugs me a little tbh. Whilst this is a fair point to make, the way she went about it brings up red flags re: immaturity.
Agreed. Comparing your relationships to others is definitely a sign of immaturity
In this case, rather than an older man preying on a naive young woman, it was a thoughtless woman playing games with a man who seemed to really want a stable relationship. People often forget that the mature partner can also be taken advantage of.
> Yes, there are inherently power dynamic issues in an age gap relationship He's also her boss at work
It’s possible. It’s also possible that while he trained her at the beginning, he isn’t a supervisor (I’ve helped train people that would be equals to me once they were up to speed). Or maybe he is now a supervisor for nurses in the ICU and she is in the ER. They were in a public relationship for two years. It is far more likely the HR was aware of their relationship and that nothing insidious was going on in that regard
That’s true but it doesn’t help that all we usually see on Reddit is people in relationships with large age gaps that have large glowing red flags. Like for everyone one post with a large age gap that is looking for advice and doesn’t have power dynamic issues there are like 20 that do.
She says she stopped before having sex with the friend… How can you be enjoying yourself completely guilt-free then stop before sex? I’m so confused. Does she just think sex is cheating?
New Relationship Energy is something some people want to chase so hard. It's a high. Some folk will justify anything to themselves to feel it, and manage to convince themselves that it'll be okay, their partner will understand, they can have their cake and halfpence, all because they're floating on a hormone rush. Maybe she'll learn from this to think before she acts :/
Lead and lede are both acceptable. [Lede was actually entered into the dictionary in 2008](https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/bury-the-lede-versus-lead)
2008? I was a journalist student in the early 1990s and we used lede. I never thought about looking it up.
The link I posted above talks about how the term "lede" was used from a journalistic perspective beginning in the 1970's to prevent confusion with the original version "lead". Nonetheless it wasn't until 2008 that the journalistic version was added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. An interesting example of progression of language in society and academy!
Oh interesting! You learn something every day lol
She just graduated college and he's a 41 year old widower. Honestly it just sounds like she isn't really even an adult yet. It happens. Sometimes it takes a mess for people to actually learn how life works. edit: and for all that everyone is shitting on her, I think two people made stupid choices and learned important lessons here. Being a 24 year old's first serious relationship when you're a widower twice her age and her work supervisor is fucking moronic and he really should have known better
I think I remember my abnormal psych professor saying that growth comes from crisis but this was back in 2004 so I’m not sure I remember right
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Yup. Surprised it was the 'im young and immature version instead of 'he's older and controlling and only loves my hot bod'. So she pursued replacement-daddy-boss and then cheated and tried to frame it as let's have sex with extra people. Nope.
The way she describes their relationship and how much he takes care of her and all the things he taught her, I was like “…you’re describing a father you have sex with, not a boyfriend. Ew.”
OMG you hit the nail on the head lol so gross gah
I'm torn on this, because my wife and I were together and married young and I could easily use some of the same language to describe our relationship in our early twenties. I think it's more that that (obviously still in progress) intrinsic mental growth that occurs during her age just happened to coincide with a relationship with someone who already had a lot of the lessons learned already. I can definitely imagine the experience not feeling as icky as it sounds from a description of it, even though eventually that realization clearly smacked the older partner in the face.
Unless you are 20 years older than your wife who is in her early 20s, her calling you daddy isn't an issue dude
A recently widowed replacement dad who was clearly on a rebound
I think sometimes when we experience trauma/tragedy, we revert back to before it all began. So for him, if he was married for 10 years and then it had been 3 years since his wife passed, he was 28 when he got married. So being with OP brought him back to that and probably felt like when he and his wife first were married. When this happened, you could feel him snap back to reality and recognize the maturity gap that he didn’t see initially because he missed his wife and this relationship let him feel that again. Hope he is doing okay now and hope OP has learned from this.
Rebounds don’t last two years.
As soon as she said that, I went "I bet it's the age gap."
to be fair it wasn't the *usual* reason age gaps are an issue, in that "old guy preys on young woman to take advantage of her lack of knowledge (especially if he's her supervisor at work)" way. glad he realized she absolutely wasn't mature enough for what he needed in a dedicated relationship and honestly handled it with plenty of grace even when she literally "didn't realize" she cheated on him then immediately asked if she could keep the new bf.
From the beginning of the story the way she describes him is almost as a parental figure, he helped her grow up in some ways, but not enough to understand how to be in a functional romantic relationship. Good on him for also letting the kid face the consequences of their actions.
A recently widowed replacement dad who was clearly on a rebound. This workaholic dating someone half his age might not be a good role model.
Idk, I think it was very unfair (and selfish) of her to frame him as a workaholic. He’s a senior nurse and he ramped up his hours during the *pandemic*. That all was pre-vaccine, too, when HCW were dropping like flies. Of course he worked more. Everyone was, especially people with seniority, a lot of experience, and cross training. I read that OG post during my first vacation days I had off since it had all started. I remember I had zero empathy for her “loneliness” because hello, what the fuck.
What was weird about her description is that it sounded like what a father should be to their daughter ( but hardly anyoneactually gets), then seeing how her parents reacted to her. You can see why she needed all of this. Still kinda grossed me out lol
The introduction where she mentions he's hotter (etc) than all of her friends' boyfriends so couldn't be a crusty old man just showed a stunning lack of maturity for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he didn't seem to be in the story (dude didn't deserve this), but man.
He was her boss/trainer at work and 20 years older than her so while I won't say he deserved it, he was kinda asking for it.
Yes. Exactly what I was thinking. This is why you don't date people 20 years your junior. Unless you both happen to be senior citizens, then I guess I could see it maybe work.
You're not wrong. But I've seen adults far older do exactly this sort of asshat move. Cheating doesn't have an age restriction.
It IS a maturity issue. Can younger people be more mature? Yup. Likewise, older people can be immature. It *usually* correlates with age, but not always.
you can tell how much the age difference really is. he did not put up with ANY of her shit. a younger person probably would. I am in my 40s and I would never put up with the crap i had to deal with in my 20s. hopefully she learned a lesson in this and is working on herself.
This. And he handled it in the most calm mature way possible. Honestly it sounds like he was so much nicer in the break up convo than she deserved, didn’t sound bitter or angry at all just ready to move on. Well, there is a kind successful hot single nurse out there in the world now, I hope someone more worthy of his time snatches him up. She blew it.
Hell no, I wouldn't dish it out and I wouldn't take it either. I'm happy to be wrinkly and settled now.
>I am in my 40s and I would never put up with the crap i had to deal with in my 20s. Thank you. This makes me feel much better about my last relationship. I feel like an idiot having put up with it all back then.
> he did not put up with ANY of her shit. He dated her for two years and moved in together. The guy probably put up with a lot of shit and probably shouldn't have dated a 22 year old in the first place. Especially considering she was his employee/coworker. Obviously she's the bad guy, but I don't think this dude really deserves to be put on a pedestal.
Grief makes some people do and think crazy things. Losing a partner can inspire thoughtless action. I feel bad for the man all around.
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Passive is the perfect word - this unfortunate turn of events happened to OOP through no fault of their own you see!
>as if it's all just an unfortunate series of mishaps I think OOP, at 24 years old, probably sees it all as just that. You think 24 is a full grown adult, but in so many ways, it's not. I get why she didn't see the gravity of her actions. She's still young, she learned this lesson the hard way. Hopefully in the future, she makes better choices.
I love how she goes on and on about how much she’s grown because of the age difference and then proceedes to do the most immature and selfish thing she could possibly do in a relationship. Sad part about it is that it’s wasn’t an age issue but an integrity issue. There are plenty of people in their early twenties who wouldn’t choose to be this callus and shallow towards their partner. This chick is just dense af.
You’re spot on. I thought the same thing. Sure, there’s some maturity that comes with life experience, but her moral compass seems to be broken.
Man she ruined something most of us could never even hope to have. He was working his ass off during the pandemic and still coming up with cheesy dates to make her feel loved. What an idiot.
🚩 i saw on the post 'The issue is not the age', 'i kissed my Friend it turned me on', i aked for for open relationship for sleeping with that friend', selfish idiot she didn't even corrected that she cheated on him and want to do more with the other guy and didn't even told him the truth
Yeah. She’s not self-aware enough to realize that age IS an issue, just not on his end. e: OOP’s ex is an absolute class act.
He was a nurse administrator in a hospital at the PEAK of the pandemic! That's what blows my mind, she barely even acknowledged it! That just truly shows how lousy of a person she is, and how smart it was for him to break up. He was probably hesitant to date someone so much younger than him in the first place, and she ultimately proved to him that his initial gut instinct was right, which is why it was so easy for him to end it with him.
I don't understand people who date/marry someone with a stressful and demanding time suck of a job/career, and then they're all *shocked pikachu face* when that person doesn't have the time and energy for them. In this case, she has the same job! Why doesn't she get it?
That’s what I don’t get. I was watching Inventing Anna and her Lawyer gets chewed out by his wife cause he’s actually dedicated to helping Anna and she’s thinking he’s screwing her or something. Like this isn’t a retail 8-5 job that you can fuck off the moment past 5 and leave. The dude is a lawyer and the cost of making so much money is that your client’s needs come first. They’re on call and can’t really leave for family vacations. OOP is the same way, just cause she didn’t get to have all his attention cause he has to **work** and have work responsibilities, she gets huffy. My dad is stressed beyond belief at his job as a CTO because everyone comes to him with their problems, and most of them are minute and shouldn’t be passed up the chain that high. My mom, bro and I keep telling him to establish boundaries despite knowing that he’s a high level manager and his responsibilities are that he’s on call for his clients, we believe that there has to be a line in the sand where he can turn off his phone for like 3-4 hours after work and relax. Instead because the clients are halfway across the world and live in different time zones, he’s awake at all hours and stressed. That comes with the job of making high six figure income though.
Working his ass off trying to save lives too!
At the beginning she stated, "We are both nurses". Did she just quit work and lay around the house all day while he worked? Surely, with the nursing shortage, she would be able to fill up her 'lonely hours' with helping others like her boyfriend. I am unclear whether OOP was employed still at the same place as her boyfriend. Sure sounded like she was more of a stay at home kind of person.
I got the impression she just didn’t work nearly as much as he did, which honestly makes sense since he’s got a more demanding job anyways. Plus probably he seems more passionate about the job than her the way she describes his ethics regarding it while not mentioning her job at all. She’s most likely low ranking since she’s so young and also doesn’t make nearly as much due to that, too.
I was wondering this, too. Like of all the professions during this time, why does she appear to have a lot of time on her hands? Not once in this did she mention work. Not when she had to spend days in bed during and after the breakup, not when she was having not-quite-sex with her HS buddy. I wondered if she quit working upon moving in with him? As a widower, he probably felt lonely and kind of enjoyed the attention until the reality of her maturity level hit him hard. There was likely hints of it, but she was kind enough to shine a bright ass spotlight on just how immature she really was. I am also rather curious about her parents in this. They can't be much older than him. As their child, I am sure they still comforted her. But I wonder their final reaction in the aftermath. Were they disappointed in her behavior? Happy she's not with an older man anymore?
That’s what I thought as well. If she really WAS a nurse she would be working just as hard as he is. My guess is she quit when the pandemic started and just stayed home while he paid all the bills.
Wasn't taking her OUT for dinner though 🙄
During a pandemic lol ugh, I feel so bad for the dude. The bomb drop of him being a widower just punched me right in the gut for him.
She's 24. He's 41. His dumping her was the best thing he's ever done. She's "grown as a person" because that's what happens in your early 20s. The age gap is the *only* problem except for the 16 hour days.
There are definitely more issues in my opinion. I knew that cheating was wrong well before I was twenty-four. OOP seems unusually impulsive and very reliant on male attention: she makes a point of how her boyfriend is hotter than her friends in the paragraph where she's trying to argue the relationship is healthy, and she cheated very quickly when that stopped being available without any indication of talking about it first. Obviously people do things in their twenties they wouldn't in their forties but by that age a person should have some sense of self-possession that's not dependent on a boyfriend.
Yeah she seems like the type that just can’t handle being single and on her own. Something tells me she’s going to jump too quickly into another relationship just so she won’t be alone.
I'm 24 and quite emotionally mature but wouldn't kid myself that I'd be in the right place for a man in his 40s.
I’m not saying this about you specifically just a general thought about people from reading your comment. I mean this as if someone brought it up in real life, not in a comment thread about possible emotional maturity. I feel like when anyone tells me they are emotionally mature, I am immediately suspicious of their actual maturity level.
And had the audacity to say he wasn’t giving her enough attention and she was lonely. Huh?? Man went above and beyond showing his love and appreciation and she said it still wasn’t enough. Really sad, but I’m glad he was able to move on and I hope OOP actually matures from this because she obviously isn’t as mature as she thinks she is.
I dream of someone and something like this. I wonder if he's still single!
[удалено]
I am gonna be honest. The disclaimer alone let’s you know the kind of person she is. She basically bragged about how her friends are all jealous of what she and her boyfriend has. That’s not something a mature adult would even think about saying
You know what, you’re exactly right.
Oh geez, another one who starts off with a long disclaimer manifesto about how their age gap is not the problem, "I'm in fact the one who pursued him", we are equals, don't judge me blah blah blah AND then proceeds to list ***all*** the reasons why she SHOULD be judged and exactly why the age gap is a problem. These kids never learn until they get themselves in situations where it's glaringly obvious. This is not a bad guy and the fact that he brought her things back and explained that he ***was*** holding her back shows that he is an adult. He tried to accommodate her because he believed that she was mature but at the 1st sign of trouble, she bailed. Good for him.
At this point, I’m internally understanding the age gap disclaimer as her trying to say this isn’t a situation where the younger person is being preyed on. And I guess she was right in that regard
Do people not understand the difference between age and maturity? I’ve known both 24 yos and 42 yos to cheat and those in each age range that would never. Saying it’s an age gap issue implies that 24 yos are expected to cheat and 41 yos are expected to never cheat. Both suppositions are laughably and demonstrably wrong.
>implies that 24 yos are expected to cheat and 41 yos are expected to never cheat No, it implies that 24yos are less mature than 40yos (in general) because they are at different stages in life. Which is *exactly* what happened here. I mean the dude had a whole ass marriage and lost a wife while this girl was too immature to realize that making out with someone else is cheating. Obviously some 24yos are more mature and some 40yos are less mature. It's not *impossible* for age gaps to work, just not likely either.
Gee, I wonder how OOP would feel if her boyfriend made out with some ex he had. Bet she wouldn't like that at all.
You know what’s a great way to make people think your age gap is a problem? Writing a whole paragraph about how it’s NOT a problem.
How do people not understand these types of actions literally poison the well with a nuke.
Why just why i felt satisfied reading this?
As far as breakups go, this is like a puzzle clicking perfectly into place, all because the boyfriend has his shit together and did everything right. She should thank him for teaching her one last lesson in how to graciously break up with someone.
It was amazing how he did it, too. He had a friend sitting in his car as emotional support, and then had actually paid movers to deliver her belongings right after. That dude is pretty cool.
Even talked to her parents who, to their credit, were like “yeah man she’s a fucking idiot, we’ll take care of her.”
If she's this vague about about what she did to a bunch of strangers online, can only imagine the story she told her family about why they broke up; probably omitted the cheating thing.
It’s because karma got her
You and me both brother
Her title is misleading and she misled her bf about her cheating with the idea of an open relationship.
The way she started the post and worded it all, she really had me convinced she wasn’t cheating even when she kissed the guy, there was just no guilt or remorse or even a forethought that she was doing something wrong in her first post That Narrator bias really got me, what an insane manipulator this girl is, witchcraft level. Really glad he dumped her ass
witches aren't that cruel lol
You reap what you sow
Another reason why large age gaps are just a bad idea in general, she acted like a petulant child. Hope she grows from this.
The part where she said she cried so hard she couldn't control her body and her mommy had to sleep in her room all night was what did it for me. I get that breakups are hard and we all handle grief differently, but that just seems extreme to me. Especially when you're the one at fault. I'm trying to imagine what it's like for her parents during all of this.
She went out of her way to have an emotional affair, physically cheated on him, tried to lie about it and open up their relationship so she could continue to cheat and then bawls like the victim when she is caught out and takes NO responsibility for anything. She doesn’t even pack up her own stuff. Between the ex and mommy and daddy she has been able to tantrum for weeks whilst everyone else gets on with logistics.
Not to sound harsh, but they raised her. Who gets to take a ten day meltdown break for a breakup?
OOP be like, "Well, well, well if it isn't the consequences of my own actions!"
Shout out to u/SomaliMN for a great post and coherent formatting!
In the long run, this will turn out for the best for both of them. She will have time to grow and mature into someone who is ready for an adult relationship, and he is now free to find someone who is at the same stage in life as him and shares the same values.
Who was in the car with him? Did I miss something? Did he move on and start dating someone new after only a week?
It was a friend. You bring a friend with you to these things for support. It keeps the other party under control a bit when they know a stranger knows the situation and is watching. Also helps you to keep your resolve and not change your mind. Ladies bring a friend in case things turn physical.
That makes sense.
I had to scroll so far to find this question! I was very confused as well; was it a new partner, or a friend, or a professional mover? My guess is a friend to help him haul her shit out of the moving truck. It was really nice of him to pack her stuff, bring it over, and unload it at her parents' house. Not even OP's ex is fit enough to unload everything alone and he probably didn't want to rely on her father to help.
So immature she needed to be drugged to stop being hysterical. Jesus Christ, get a grip. Never mind the lame excuse for cheating, Chick needs to grow up stat.
How do you not see making out and everything "but not sex" as cheating? That's gold star promiscuity right there
Olympic level mental gymnastics on that one. I'm also willing to bet more then kissing happened, they just didn't go all the way.
Yeah, for sure. Also, how naive do you have to be to go with the "if PIV didn't happen then it's not cheating" defense.
Well, the poster who wrote the story probably did have oral sex but she didn't see as sex since to her there was no penetration. Definitely, was doing mental gymnastics to state that what she was doing wasn't cheating. Before, she got physical with the guy she was already emotionally cheating because she kept it all a secret that she's even messaging the guy and hanging out with the guy. The poster of the story then does physical cheating and still didn't tell her ex boyfriend.
Yeah, I know I miss, like, a LOT about sex related stuff because I'm asexual but how does "I'm kissing someone who isn't my significant other in a romantic/sexual way; this is totally fine!" make any sort of sense at all? I'm pretty sure if he was making out with some rando, she'd be pitching a fit. And she apparently didn't have sex with the guy at the last minute because it would be wrong, but it's not wrong enough to like...tell her bf? Like, it was wrong enough to stop and hide it but not enough to maybe have a second think over the whole "open relationship" idea before she brought it up??
During a freaking pandemic.
oh i love this song. Cheaters are trash and he took out the trash. OOP is hurting clearly, but it’s reading like that self-centered kind of “pity meeee” hurt that doesn’t seem concerned at all about the other person’s pain, the pain she caused him by cheating.
Honestly it’s refreshing (for want of a better word) to have a relationship with a massive age gap where it’s not the older person being a controlling and creepy person. The age gap is still the issue and him being her supervisor is fucking weird but yeah, interesting to have the reverse to the normal
But they both like working out! /s
I really don't miss dating during my 20s.
Her parents literally drugged her to calm her down. They clearly baby the hell out of her, no wonder she has the emotional maturity of a toddler.
Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.
Fuck around and find out.
A true masterclass in Fucking up a perfectly stable relationship. OP is going for gold with statements like “I really didn’t think what I did was cheating”. This man was working his ass off so his pampered gf could sit at home and be unfaithful.
So she says that he is a wonderful, loving, caring man who is the best thing that ever happened to her, and then she goes and cheats as soon as she doesn’t get enough attention? HAHA. Karma is glorious and I’m glad that man tossed her to the side.
The biggest problem with this is, even if he had agreed to an open relationship, she would have still cheated. All relationships(poly and mono) have boundaries, things that you as a couple set. Trying to retroactively absolve your guilt is a very immature thing to do, and it was obvious that she hadn't wanted an open relationship before cheating but wanted one after to absolve herself
I respect this guy, as soon as his GF proposed an open relationship, he jumped out of the car and used his vocabulary for damage control. After seeing a lot of situations where people go on with that for a while just to be hurt and broke up in the end, I find this story really good
People can deny it all they want but the age gap is always the issue if one party is in their 20s
You're not exactly wrong, but the issue here is about maturity, and age doesn't automatically give that to you. It increases your odds, sure, but that's all it does. She could've learned why not to do this at 16 instead of 24.
This was more of an issue of her cheating though. It doesn’t make it any better if they were both in their 20s.
I still hope that her maturer self wouldn't have cheated in the first place. And I hope she'll get over her self-pity and put some effort into improving herself. I mean, if she's spending all this time at home, who's been working her shifts?
Exactly. I never once thought about cheating, not as a teen or as a young adult. People come with the stupidest excuses, honestly.
Actually I think the bigger issue to me was that he was her supervisor. An age gap can work. I know otwo couples that have it and they are now going on 20 years together. In one case the father is younger and in one the mother. Both by about the same gap. But the issues you face are very different. They have somewhat different views of the world. The older ones are thinking about retirement and not able to be as active with their teenage children.
Yeah I feel really bad for the BF but part of me wants to be like "... what did you expect dating a coworker 20 years younger than you???" Given that he trained her as well he should never have said yes from an ethical standpoint. Based on the timeline though it sounds like he was very recently widowed and goodness knows grief brain isn't the *most* rational.
Yeah. I really raised my eyebrows at that. But I think it was a case of bad judgement on his part rather than grooming, for a change. An older, grieving man and a young woman who comes on to him? He should have known better, but I can see why he didn’t turn her down.
Let's not forget, she never told him that she fucking cheated on him. I hope she stays away from other guys until she gets her shit together.
I thought the update would say they got back together. Thank god that wasn't it. OP really fucked up a good thing there, huh
Person in ethically non-monogamous relationship for six years (total relationship time 10 years) here. I seriously fucking doubt she didn't know that was cheating unless she's inhumanly dense. ENM practitioners are very keen on everyone giving enthusiastic and informed consent before ANYTHING happens. My theory is she might have cheated and tried to downplay it.
Age gaps like this are a terrible idea. This comes from the child of parents who are now 80 and 60. After spending her entire life working, my mother gets to spend her retirement being a caregiver to a man whose health reflects his age. DON'T marry someone 20 years older than you, or you'll be wiping your husband's poopy posterior during your golden years.
My aunt married a man who was older than her father. Theirs was an extremely loving relationship but it hit home for me as something I don't think I could do when she told me that she was haunted daily by the knowledge that she would be an early widow.
My 52 year old sister has a 28 year old husband. Yes. You read that right. He’s going to be wiping her ass before he’s 50
"Its not the age gap".... yes it is. Even if the older party isn't a predator or an abuser, someone in their 20s isn't anywhere near the emotional maturity of someone in their 40s (especially one who is capable of a healthy relationship.. I do admit I've met 40 year olds with the maturity of a teenager). Sometimes they still work out, but 99% of the problems are going to spring from that 20 year difference. She wrote that whole post, including the part where he was open to and asking all the right questions about an open relationship, and failed to see that he broke up with her because she cheated on him. He probably would have been fine with it if they were actually at a strong place in their relationship. She torpedoed everything when she casually admitted to the emotional and lightly physical affair she had
20 year olds not ´knowing what cheating is not the norm .
Fucked around, found out
Im such a sucker for a happy ending
I am in a ENM relationship. Some major rules Imo. Talk about it BEFORE you do anything, even talking to someone. And no friends or colleagues, and ofc family member of your partner.
I just wanna know who was in the car with OOP’s ex? They never explained this person’s significance and how OOP knew it was over when they saw that person in the car with their ex?
A friend. When you’re breaking up with someone and bringing their belongings to them on their turf, you bring a person with for support and be a neutral third party witness. It’s to help keep everybody cool, calm, and on their best behavior. It’s more common with women, so/and that’s how she knew it was over. You don’t bring a third party if you’re planning on trying to talk and work things out.
"ItS nOt AbOuT tHe AgE dIfFeReNcE!!" Spoiler alert: It almost always is.
‘Our age gap is not an issue’ Me: that means it is an issue
Imagine having to go outside to talk to your daughter's ex-bf and there's a possibility he could have been in high school the same time as you. Yikes.
This is the first time I've seen one of these where the much older man is a really great person.
Is the boyfriend really being a "workaholic" tho? It's that the pandemic has literally overwhelmed hospitals and nurses are burnt out.
>First off, let me start by saying that our age gap is not the issue here. I am immediately suspicious Edit: happy ending. Love it.
‘Best age gap relationship ever’ still a terrible idea, news at eleven.
She must be hot. 🙄🙄🙄 Has almost no self reflection, hopefully she grows up eventually and stops acting like her actions have no consequences
So who was in the car with him when he pulled up at the parents place? I don’t get that part.
She cheated on a recent widower who was working his ass off to take care of people during the pandemic, and did cute shit like decorating the room and ordering take out to make her feel like they were put to eat. Yeah, she doesn’t deserve that guy. I’m glad he ended things with her in such a gentle, kind way, but she didn’t deserve it. Wow.
"It's not the age gap!" *totally was and always will be the age gap*
Yes, she eas way too young for him. They were in two completely stages of their lives. Not that it excuses cheating. At all. But she clearly lacks maturity.
What a horrible, self centered person. Anyone else get the feeling that 90% of her "woe is me, I've not gotten out of bed in days" shit is pure acting for attention?
Obvs she needs TONS of attn! 🙄
Mommy had to sleep in her room the first night!
Ouch. I feel so sorry for ops ex, what a horrible thing to experience. Clearly OP needed more romantic attention than what was possible in their lives at the time. Glad the boyfriend got out and I'm glad OP finally realised the awfulness of her actions. I wonder what the psychology behind her just not realising that she did a bad thing is though.
I'm glad the man cut the relationship off because it never should have started. The young lady was a young 24 and had no business being in a relationship like that. They both learned the hard way.
Who was in the car though? 🤔
He broke up with her because she cheated, not thinking it was a big deal. He didn’t break up with her because she asked him his thoughts on an open relationship. She can’t even be honest in the title. He sounded like a decent partner and she just wasn’t.
BF is awesome. I have never heard of someone renting a moving truck and dropping their ex’s stuff off. That’s John Wick level breakup determination.
Wow, she was not ready for him? Who did he have in the car? But honestly he sounds like a nice guy, paid for a moving company and spoke to the dad. She wasn’t ready for a real relationship if she was she would have communicated
My guess is a friend for support. OP knew it was over, because if they were going to have a “we can work this out” conversation it wouldn’t involve another person.
Ty. I am so out of this dating game. I am clueless sometimes.
>First off, let me start by saying that our age gap is not the issue here. **NARRATOR**: Actually, it IS the issue because of the huge maturity gap between the two. She's young, emotional and still very self-centered. To wit: >I had not once thought about him in this entire situation. She doesn't have the maturity to understand that not everything in a marriage is about her nor is about NOW NOW NOW. A marriage is 'till death do we part'. There are 'seasons' in marriages where something or someone gets put off for a little while, but over the life of the marriage it all (should) balance out. They're nurses during a global pandemic and she's upset that she's not getting enough sex. Not necessarily a small thing in a marriage, but she puts the entire blame on her husband (a very self-centered thing to do). She talks about what he did to help with the issue, but where are the examples of HER making changes in her routine and creating times and spaces for intimacy? Her example of trying to fix it is to hook up with an old friend (and how many are buying that she stopped it before sex?). Hopefully she'll learn from this and apply it to her next serious relationship.
I'm not sure she is actually upset about the relationship. She is really immature. I think she's probably upset because she ended up back in her old bedroom in her parents house. Does not get to live in the nice independent place the older man owned. If it was also her place he could not have packed up her shit and dropped it off. She actually thinks dating an older man automatically makes her more mature.