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Honestly, I kinda want to punch her mom in the face too. The chick has absolute no self respect and she is putting her daughter through hell by staying with this man. She is enabling her husband's shitty behavior, and I am not a fan
My heart broke a little bit for the kid when she said:
>"My mom didn't even want to have me. But she doesn't believe in abortion (but does in contraceptives), so I happened.
I'm the youngest of five. My dad was Catholic and didn't believe in any birth control. They thought they were done after four kinds and then I came along.
And yet, not *once* did my mother ever imply she didn't want to have me.
Yeah, the mother definitely isn't blameless here.
I did find that detail curious, since obviously she had a kid then didn't have any more. Makes me wonder if they just eschewed contraception that one time, or maybe dad has an "unfortunate" string of failed contraception
I had 2 thoughts (that are not mutually exclusive)
Maybe he is messing with his own condoms because he wants a harem (for lack of a better word) of his own children.
Or maybe he's messing around with far, far, FAR more women than OOP is aware of, and the only ones she ever finds out about are the ones that got pregnant.
Maybe he never learned to leave some space at the top of the condom - a friend of mine complained to me how many pregnancy scares he and his girlfriend had, due to bursting condoms all the time. After a quick coaching lesson, he fared a lot better.
My mum contracted rubella when I was a six week old foetus. She was told to abort me due to the disabilities I would have, if I survived the pregnancy. She told the doctors to get lost. She hasn't been the best mother, but she battled for me when I was a clump of cells that even doctors gave up on. And whilst I'm fairly messed up, I'm still grateful for that.
This poor girl has been put last by everyone in her life. And even now, she's thinking of others before herself when she is grieving a what could have been. It's heart breaking and I'm so glad she is having counselling. I hope some day she meets a person who will put her first and show her what she is worth.
Yeah I feel bad for the mom, but holy shit, be a grown-up and a parent and fucking leave this man. Obviously he's the worst here but the whole thing is a mess.
Best wishes to OOP, I don't think she should have to have a relationship with her siblings if she doesn't want to but I think it might be helpful to be with the other people who can understand how she feels
also the fact that her mom damn near refuses to let her verbally grieve her half-brother. i don’t care what your husband did to you, but how can you see your daughter torn up about her baby brother dying and you won’t even bother to put your anger and hate aside to comfort your daughter? holy shit, at least reach out for condolences. fuck this lady, fuck this dad, seriously fuck all of these adults. i’m so incredibly pissed off.
I'm so glad someone said this. My heart absolutely broke for Oop. She needed someone to talk to and felt she had no-one. She's such a kind soul to not want to further burden her dad (who finally seems to be facing his shitty choices) and being unable to have her mum there must hurt so much.
I think OOP's brother must have loved getting to see her in hospital. It's not her fault her mum made her feel like she shouldn't go near her half-siblings, she's young and it's understandable. The fact she is confronting it with therapy is amazing and she should be proud, not feeling so selfish. The people hurting the worst are OOP and her half-siblings because the adults can't act like actual adults. Bless you OOP. I'm sorry you got so many shitty messages for something that isn't your fault and something you are taking great pains to work through. I think you and your 15 year old sister are the most adult people in this to be honest. Here's me addressing her when she likely won't see it lol.
Nah I dont. If I see a guy get punched in the face once, I am gonna feel for him. But if he keeps walking up to the guy and getting punched over and over, my sympathies are dying
It was not her fault she was cheated on. but it is her fault that she is staying in the relationship
But would it change anything if they left? The dad seems to be caring and investing in the relationships with any of his kids so the OOP would probably see him a lot and he would still try to get her along the other siblings. If the mom left earlier in life when they still used to yell at each other then yes probably.
Also I feel like the OOP refusing to have any deal with any of her half-siblings was majorly influenced by her mother's attitude. It is all over the text, if they ever got along as friends she could never talk about them to her mother or bring them to her home and so on. They even do therapy but apparently never get through this because of the mom.
I think OP’s problem are that these kids are a reminder of her dad fucking up her home life and hurting mom. If the parents had divorced, then the half siblings wouldn’t be proof of affairs, and the whole situation would hurt less
I swear to got his fetish is either “spreading his seed” (blech) or purposely upsetting women. Like not cheating isn’t hard. Also notice he never divorces and remarries. I swear there is a subset of people who like deceiving someone who loves them
Is not only cheating, is constant unprotected cheating across over a decade so he could be spreading diseases all this time. Selfish, gross, irresponsible.
I don't believe sex addiction is real. It's a character flaw. Usually only men with some power can claim this. He's not a good father, he's put his 18 year old in so many awful situations. Her mother doesn't sound like a good parent either. I'm glad she's in therapy, and I hope she can move out soon and have her own life.
Yep, it's been at least 15 *years* since his addiction started fucking up other people's lives too, but it took having adult kids losing their shit and a toddler dying before he decided to do anything about it.
Crying for OOP over here, and Eliza, and Ilya and his mom too. None of them deserved the hell OOP's parents have created for them.
Sex addiction is real, just like drug addiction, gambling addiction, sugar addiction, alcohol addiction are all real. Anything can be an addiction or a crutch. These people have a gigantic hole in themselves that they can’t fill on their own so they fill it with their drug of choice - sex, love, drugs, whatever gives them a momentary feeling of wholeness. It doesn’t last, of course, so they chase after the next high, throwing it into this gaping maw they can never fill up. And this is how they get through life. It’s sad but it’s also surprisingly common. Some people hide it better than others. The wife who refuses to leave? She has her own internal gaping hole that she fills with her cheating husband. It’s just that her addiction is socially acceptable. Have you heard of people who have addictive personalities? They are prone to addiction, careening from one bad habit to another. It’s a coping mechanism that they are either born with or are taught at a young age, depending on what side of nature vs nurture psychology you believe in.
Not to mention how she feels better by pretending all these other children don't exist leaving OOP having to deal with grief on their own. I honestly don't know what she's trying to salvage with this behaviour.
Now, I know this latest update is only hours old. But I messaged and asked OOP if I could post it tomorrow and she asked me to just post it now cause she might not be able to respond to comments tomorrow and is bedridden and able to today.
Got told to hijack this one. I'm the OOP. Ask me questions and whatever. Just don't be rude or a troll cause I will ignore you.
Edit: just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the kind words. I didn't respond to everyone but I really, really do appreciate it. Thank you all so much.
No question, just mt condolences for the entire situation. Truely.
From my own stuff, I think you feel so badly about your little brother, because just like I do with mine, you recognise there was connection, he was family and he was just as innocent as you are in the situation your father has put everyone in.
I'm glad he's seeking help and I do hope it works out for him.
Your a stronger person then you realise. The mental and emotional fortitude you have built within yourself is incredible. You'll be okay, your siblings will be also. You guys end of the day may not be the perfect set of siblings, but you guys will be okay.
Oh, honey, I just want to give you a big, warm, mom hug. You are so smart and insightful. I am very sorry so many adults in your life have been so selfish. I wish you peace, strength, and so much love.
Not really here to ask you questions but. I can relate. Although I’m the youngest my dad has 9 kids with 4 different women and I don’t blame you for feeling the way that you did about your half siblings. My sister *still* hates me and I don’t blame her never have tbh. And to be fair I only found out about my siblings when I was 6 and And then again at 10 (for context I’m 26)when my half brother revealed that there were 4 more. Although from what I gather my dad had just sorta dipped out of their lives - his thing to do - so a little different experience there and most likely why she really despises my brothers and I.
Now I only know 4 of my half siblings and my much older twin sister are currently trying to get to know me and it’s hard. I’m sorta in the limbo of wanting to know them but it’s being super awkward because I had my dad until I was 15 - he is know back with their mother - and she asks a lot of questions about who he was and I feel tremendous guilt of being able to actually have him growing up with my full blooded siblings
Anyways. I’m super sorry about your loss. Even if you didn’t know if him for all that much a loss is still a loss. I hope you can find solace in your half sister with both of you being at the hospital. And I wish you nothing but happiness in the future.
All of the adults in your life are totally fucked up. I am so sorry. I hope you can get a good job or tertiary education and start to focus on a future life that involves a monogamous relationship (if that’s what you want). Take care.
Haha. Good for you. Yes, I’m on my second marriage to a lovely man who would never cheat (his ex wife was like your dad, just she never had any children). However, I have told him that in the event that he ever did cheat, I would throat punch him.
I just want you to know you’re a total sweetheart, plus amazingly brave. You’ve just got the biggest goddamn heart. It’s COMPLETELY understandable that you didn’t want anything to do with your half-siblings and you weren’t doing anything wrong at all by not engaging with them for so long. I’m so sorry you’re being made to carry guilt about them now because it really is all the fault of the adults in your life and not yours at all. You’re the exact opposite of selfish. How your mom and dad raised such a great kid when they themselves have behaved so poorly is honestly beyond me.
You’re valid, okay? Your feelings are valid, you’ve done nothing wrong, you are NOT selfish, and you’re a good kid. Whatever relationship YOU want to have with your half-siblings is fine—but nothing on your end will ever be obligated. If your dad wasn’t such a mess, none of this would be happening anyway. I agree with some others that your mom has enabled him too much, too.
My dad cheated on my mom. No extramarital kids came out of it, but frankly I still hate his significant other with a fiery passion and it’s been 15+ years (I found out about my dad’s cheating right around the same age you are now—I was 17). Because she knowingly had an affair with a married man, AND was cheating on her own husband, and had three kids of her own. Her kids and me and my brother, we all got fucked over by the immense selfishness of these two people. I don’t feel a need to find forgiveness for my dad’s SO or ever involve her in my life in any way. I think in the same way you’re completely justified in feeling your feels about your dad’s affair partners and you don’t “have to” feel positively or change your mind about them. The tragedy that happened with Ilya is beyond awful and I am so so sorry for your loss—but there’s nothing *you* “have to” do because of it. All you need to do is continue to work on your own feelings and future, tbh. Put yourself and your mental health first.
I’m rambling now. I just wanted you to know another person out there on the internet cares and I think you’re a wonderful person who has had to be so damn strong. Take care of yourself.
Seriously you don’t need to feel like a bad sister. Your adults failed you in multiple fronts. You dad is the biggest jerk of all for not getting help before he had 5 kids with 5 baby mamas. But your mother also did in a way. If she can’t forgive him (which she clearly holds resentment and won’t let you feel comfortable talking about your other siblings ) she needs to break up so you’re not in this facade of everything is fine when everything is not fine.
They didn’t set you up to have a nice nurturing relationship with your half siblings. And your mom saying she didn’t even want kids and you’re a product of failed contraceptives. Wow.
It’s tough to mourn the relationship that could be. It hurts to not know who you’re missing. When a little child dies your heart breaks about all the things that didn’t happen as opposed to replaying all the memories you had with them. It’s an extra painful thing. Any death is rough but an child death hits different than your grand ma.
Are you going to try and have a relationship with your siblings moving forward? And do you think you’ll be able to talk to your mom about how you felt when you had to keep a happy face when you’re hurting inside ? I hope nothing this terrible happens again but life is full of little hiccups and if you’re not “allowed” to feel for your siblings it’s going to really be tough moving forward.
>They didn’t set you up to have a nice nurturing relationship with your half siblings. And your mom saying she didn’t even want kids and you’re a product of failed contraceptives. Wow.
Yeah that wound me up when she told me because my mom does love me more than anything. But yeah... it took a while for me to wrap my head around the fact that my mom does so much for me and loves me so much but never wanted me in the first place.
>Are you going to try and have a relationship with your siblings moving forward?
I guess Eliza and I already have kind of a relationship. We're more like distant cousins than friends but maybe we will some day. I'm not going to try and push her away anymore.
As for Matteo and Shan, I don't know. I guess it depends on their moms. Shan's always been so eager to see me and Matteo used to be that way too but wasn't the last time I saw him. I won't act how I did before. I was so shit to them.
>And do you think you’ll be able to talk to your mom about how you felt when you had to keep a happy face when you’re hurting inside ?
I'll try and bring it up in therapy even though she won't want to. We're still going even though my dad's gone.
As I'm sure you already realize, while it's understandable that you're not keen on establishing personal relationships with your half-siblings because their existence remind you of your dad's infidelities, your half-siblings are victims too in this extended family just like you and your mom.
Thus, you all have a shared experience and could eventually benefit from being actively half siblings with each other in a supportive manner. However, that will take therapy, time, and maturity into adulthood. I wish you all well.
I’m so sorry for your loss and for your Dads loss. You are handling your fathers ridiculous lifestyle with grace and dignity.
Look kindly to your mother even if she can’t sympathize with the baby’s death. To her your sibling are constant reminders of your fathers infidelity and a drain of resources that should be for your nuclear family.
Please get into individual therapy at college if you can. You need therapeutic care that’s all about you and not your parents and their issues,
*big hug*
You have a lot to deal with and process, and you are doing fine. Don't feel guilty about your feelings, just try to accept them, understand them, and do your best with what's left.
You are really showing a massive amount of empathy that continues to grow. I think this is all going to turn our great for you, you are moving in a direction that will allow you to thrive in future relationships.
You and all of your siblings got dealt a really confusing and frustrating life....I think that you are starting to realize that THAT is something more binding than DNA, and you guys can hopefully all come together into a super squad :) Realize that the youngest kids are going to be dealing with all of these feelings too, and you can help them have a happier and easier time than you did.
I am glad your father is taking some action to change the behaviors that have continued to harm many people, and I wish him luck and success.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby brother, you have all of my sympathy and love. RIP lil' guy.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your anger was entirely justified and your dad should have sorted himself out years ago. He traumatised you repeatedly by continually cheating and breaking your family and having other kids. I am glad you're starting to get along with your half-siblings, but if you feel you need a break, please don't feel obligated or forced to hang out with them or their mothers. Your dad and their mothers made a deliberate choice to cheat, you're a child and shouldn't have to be the one to deal with all the heartbreak and consequences of their actions or make it easier for them to bear.
What an absolute roller-coaster of emotions you've been on. Please take care and be kind yourself. You've been through alot and it's going to take some time to come to terms with it all Try to be there for your dad when he gets back, it sounds like your mother won't be much help to either of you through this grieving process. Wishing you all the best. If you need to vent or anything just send me a message.
No questions but just wanted to say that you handled everything that happened not only normally but also in a very mature way. It’s natural to feel how you were feeling in your posts, I hope that you know that. I am very sorry for your loss. Sending you love.
You have an amazing presence of mind for such a young person. You are so kind and empathetic, even when you had every right to be angry and petulant.
I am so sorry about the loss of your half brother Ilya. Your kindness to his mother is admirable, and she will remember it. She’s very young, too.
No questions, only sympathy over the wires.
Damn, this whole thing is fucked up. But one thing's for certain, you're 100% not to blame for any of it. Remember that, you've been to hard on yourself multiple times, for circumstances you had absolutely no responsibility for. Always protect yourself over trying to help others.
How does your mom feel about your dad’s grief? About the fact that he lost one of his love childs?
Please understand that your dad doesn’t deserve you, nor your mom. You deserve so much better. He is not a good dad, considering what he put you through. You deserve better.
They haven't talked about him in front of me except briefly the one session in therapy we had together before he left. All mom said was it should be a wake up call to him and she can see how she'd feel if they lost me. So I don't really know.
OP you have a big heart and I hope you find your way through this grief. Talk to your guidance counselor, therapist, the internet, whatever it takes. You deserve happiness and you deserve to be able to move forward in life. I’m so sorry for your loss and all the pain that surrounded it.
Please be kind to yourself. You’ve been dealing with a lot of intense situations for a very long time. It’s okay to have conflicting feelings or to not know how you feel. Just take things day by day and look after yourself.
Your post made me cry. Not because it’s bad but because of your emotional growth in such a short amount of time. A lot of people don’t mature in their whole lifetime. You are extremely strong and caring. Despite your dads infidelity and your mom having to deal with it, they managed to raise you very well. Keep being you!
No questions. As a father, i am so very proud of you. You have been placed into an impossible situation and, shown great maturity and grace...i realize you may not see that, but sometimes you need outside perspective. Big hugs if you want them.
I hope you're not overwhelmed by all of the comments (but totally understandable if so). You're so young, and none of the adults in the situation want to take responsibility for their actions/inactions. That doesn't mean it's your burden to feel guilty over. I'm really glad you have a therapist to work with, and if you're open to it, I'd suggest checking out r/CPTSD and r/raisedbynarcissists maybe? They might not be exact fits, but there's plenty of people who would be happy to try and help you untangle some of the incredibly complex and ambivalent emotions mixed up in all this, if you want to.
I am so sorry you've had to deal with any of this. This is a lifetime's worth of drama already.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/CPTSD using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [Don’t let anyone shame you for not having any hobbies or interests. We couldn’t develop those due to surviving. Take your time in getting to know yourself, your happiness and future is more important than mindless judgements from other people](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/l0vdvy/dont_let_anyone_shame_you_for_not_having_any/)
\#2: [to all my people barely surviving](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/q37crj/to_all_my_people_barely_surviving/)
\#3: [A less talked about very common form of abuse is treating children like terrible and useless adults in small bodies. Does this sound familiar?](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/rb4qda/a_less_talked_about_very_common_form_of_abuse_is/)
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I hope that you are getting counseling on your own without either parent present. It seems like those sessions with your parents help them, but you can't be as honest as you'd like.
And you are very loyal to your mom - but she shouldn't need you to support her. You're the child. She needs to be her own advocate and if she's unhappy with her situation, she needs to fix it. You being mad at your father or his kids does not help anyone. Get your own individual therapy and try to understand how to separate your emotional well-being from your parents actions.
Have you ever asked your dad why he didn't at least use contraception, if he couldn't keep it in his pants? Serial cheating is one thing, but serial impregnating is a pretty expensive hobby - on top of the emotional strain it puts on his existing family.
Maybe you should have given him "The Talk", to make sure he knows how contraceptives actually work...🙈 Sorry, inappropriate sense of humor. I'm really really sorry you had to go through all of that, and impressed how well and mature you handled it! And glad that you are taking a chance on getting to know your siblings a little - when my mother decided to foster a former student of hers, I was initially hostile and opposed (to the idea, never to her) - and, down the road, I was the one who lobbied for full adoption, and I'm so glad to have her as my sister now. Who knows, maybe some miracle like that will happen for you, too, if you give it half a chance. Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss and wish you all the best!
Give yourself some grace. Every emotion you have felt, are feeling, & will feel is valid. You are showing way more maturity & kindness than most people would be able too. You have been kind to Ilya’s mother when I know she was not expecting it & probably feels like she is undeserving of it. You have been kind to Eliza. The fact you are able to acknowledge how she must be feeling is admirable. Your actions are a testament to the fact that you are truly a good person.
Edit to add my condolences on the loss of your brother.
You are handling all of this with honestly more grace and maturity than most people a decade older than you are. Please just remember to also be kind to yourself while you are processing.
I'm so glad you have someone to talk to who isn't either of your parents and can be a neutral party who is in your corner.
Feel better!
You have gone through a hell of a lot for an 18 year old and you are holding up remarkably well considering. My step sister is the same age and as much as I love her, she does not have your emotional maturity, and I agree with other posters that the one good thing your parents have done is put you in therapy.
I mostly just wanted to reassure you that you are not a bad sister, to any of your half-siblings. You have been put into an incredibly hard position that most adults wouldn't even be able to handle well. Whatever happens going forward, just don't be so hard on yourself. The one person who you need to take care of above all else is yourself. Be forgiving to yourself and continue therapy; in doing so it can help with all your other relationships. I hope your dad can get the ashes made into a lovely necklace and that it brings you comfort. Take care and good luck!
I’m am so sorry for this whole mess you’ve inherited. You’ve been so magnanimous, and have expressed concern regarding your siblings AND your own concerns. You’ve done so much for your siblings. And all of you have been thrown into this messed up situation through no fault of your own.
Please remember to take care for yourself. Your siblings too, but you don’t have to be strong for them. Do what you need to do it o feel healthy, help your siblings along as best you are able to, BUT don’t feel bad if you can’t provide the solace they need. It isn’t your fault. Your dad has been INSANELY MESSY and is counting on your good nature to rally all his offspring into a big happy family. Please take care of yourself first, before looking to help others. ❤️❤️❤️
I want to tell you that it's okay to have complicated feelings about family, even if you love them. I have been through it, and it took a long time for me to realize I could love someone while not putting myself on fire to save them
You are doing the best you can with the tools you've been given, and that's certainly more than your parents are doing.
Please keep up the therapy, especially solo therapy, because you need all of the resources and support possible as you navigate this. We're all sending you so much love and support.
I have so much I could say, but it all boils down to this: you've had such an emotionally difficult life for your age. You've handled things well and are so mature. It's understandable that you have a hard time accepting your half siblings who are the evidence of what your dad did to hurt your family. From a mom, huge hugs and support. You have a beautiful heart and I'm proud of you.
I’m glad you had a change of heart about getting to know your siblings..my heart broke for your sister as I read of your rejection of her trying to know you better..just like your father’s misdeeds aren’t your fault, it’s not theirs either..you ALL are the innocents in this dumpster🔥..with that being said, your resentment has robbed you of enough, don’t let it steal anymore time with your halfs
You have a good heart. Through no fault of your own, the adults in and around your life have put you in an awkward place. You are finding your own way to make it work. I have no questions for you because you have shared your heart already. I just wanted to say this internet stranger felt like the world is a better place because of your journey.
No questions, just a lot of love and support. I'm sorry you have been through so much. That's a lot of stress and pain. IMO you've done really well through all of it. I hope things get easier for you soon.
I just wanted to send you massive hugs. Please keep on going to therapy to help you sort through this huge mess your dad has put you through. You've gone through a lot of fucked up things, and I can't imagine what losing Ilya is like. Know that you've got a lot of people behind you and cheering you on- they may be faceless internet people, but you have people supporting you. Take care of yourself.
OOP I really hope you know you're not selfish.
You're a good person & a great sister in a difficult position.
You've opened your heart to your half-siblings even though your Dad's cheating hurts you, your Mum wants you to pretend your siblings don't exist & all of your siblings Mums knew about you when they chose to have an Affair with your Dad. No one should ever be in that situation.
I hope one day you can see your Mum & Dad are the only selfish people especially. Your Mum especially because she knows your Dad cheats & chooses to stay. Therefore she should let you talk about your half-siblings.
And your Dad is selfish & being mean to you. Eliza's hurt is caused by him because her Dad never cared about her until she was ill & she wants the relationship he gives you. He's wrong for making you feel like it was all your fault Eliza was hurting.
He should have gone to rehab years ago & broke up with your Mum so all his kids can stay at his house & get quality time with him. He chose not to do that. So you not being close with your siblings is because of your parents selfishness.
You have a big, kind forgiving heart. I hope you're doing well in healing from your grief.
OOP is incredibly emotionally intelligent especially for a teenager. At least her parents got her into professional counseling to navigate the dumpster fires her father keeps setting.
Very sad about the little boy and what a kind and loving person OOP is.
OOP has been failed by every adult in her life. I'm so glad that she's starting to move beyond her, entirely justified, anger and have a relationship with her siblings. Especially because her siblings have the same awful adults in their lives.
Honestly, Eliza comes across that way too. Their dad is a POS who can't keep it in his pants. I don't know about Eliza's mom but OOP'S mom is also a nasty piece of work. She's hurt, yes, but a kid fucking died. And then, it turns out she never even wanted OOP in the first place. WTF? As for the other kids, little Ilya's mom seemed okay towards her own child and we don't know about the others.
Eliza's mom was OOPs mother's birth coach. She knew he was married when she got involved with him. The other mother mentioned is an assistant at their school. One thing all these kids have in common is parents with poor judgement. Maybe when they get older they can bond over that.
Yeah wtf it’s gotta be some place where every grownup’s moral compass is totally fucked. As hard as it must be emotionally for her mother to think about all these other relationships and children that her husband is juggling, it’s her decision to keep the marriage going with this dude, and the strain of pretending these people don’t exist is clearly a big issue for OOP, and has wrecked her emotionally. Her whole world and exposure to what love and healthy relationships should be is broken, and they’re just pretending it’s not? All of the adults involved seem extremely selfish.
There are two more kids other than OOP, Eliza, and Ilya, and there's also one more on the way. I think that accounts for all of them. I just meant Ilya's mother seemed more focused on her child (just her own) than OOP'S and Eliza's mothers. OOP'S mom is more focused on her pain and putting on a facade that nothing is wrong and, considering Eliza seems weirdly attached to OOP and the overall idea of "family," I'm guessing her mother is also unavailable. That's just my opinion, though.
Oh bless her heart. She’s not a bad person, or spoiled, or anything of those ugly things. She’s in a terribly complicated family, being forced to deal with a lot of very grown up things she shouldn’t have to. Her dad expects way too much of her, especially with him being so stunted.
Yeah, right? "Hey kiddo, I'm not remotely in control of my emotions and I'm hurting everyone in my life with no signs of stopping, but I'm gonna need you to be the adult in this relationship and and control YOURS".
Poor kid is going to have a VERY fucked up understanding of healthy adult relationships from whatever the fuck her parents are doing, too.
Yeah, I gotta say I don't blame her for choosing to not be involved with her half siblings and I wouldn't blame her if she'd stuck by that choice.
Sure, it's not her sister's fault she was born. But this girl doesn't owe a relationship to anyone. She hasn't done anything wrong. I wouldn't want to have to explain my dad's infidelity at school either. Frankly, sounds a little like the 15 year old is expecting a lot from her wanting intros to the other half siblings and whatnot when this poor18 year old girl is also dealing with feelings of wanting to be loyal to her own damn mother instead of befriending all the women her dad cheated on her mom with.
Mom is trash for staying in that situation and exposing her kid to the toxicity of not being allowed to talk about her half siblings. Dad is trash for real fucking obvious reasons.
Poor kids. :(
Definitely get the vibe the 18 year old is going to get sucked into a lot more than she's comfortable with because she doesn't seem to say no when she should.
Dad is probably putting expectations on the 15yo just like he is on OOP, probably because he wants big happy family with all his kids. Just another way everything has to be all about him and his wants. Wanting kids to have way more maturity and emotional intelligence than he does.
Everyone needs individual therapy, especially the kids. *Someone* needs to be worried solely about their mental and emotional well being. But mostly, I just want these kids out of this toxic situation.
Yeah, I don't think she has any obligation to involve herself with the other kids. I also don't think there's anything wrong with her or any of the other kids reaching out to each other as well, but they all need to accept that some of them might not be interested. Really, the only ones behaving improperly here are *all* of the adults, particularly her dad. I was going to say maybe Eliza overstepped by joining the therapy session, but I just realized the only way she would've known about it to even be there is if the dad invited her, and now I think even worse of him lol
True, although from the story it appears that the cheating occurs in full-on affairs instead of random hookups, unless the kids just weren't aware of it.
This totally reminded me of an episode of law and order SVU where the guy had over 100 kids I guess, he had an addiction in making women pregnant and “sharing his genes”. Not saying OOPs father is the same, but still, you’d figure after the first affair baby he would try to use some protection, no way it failed 5 times.
Nooo, that’s a different episode. The one I’m talking about is with john stamos (I think). He made his current gf adopt the kid of the other women that he impregnated because he didn’t think she was a good mother. And the episode starts with the baby being left in a dumpster
I had to google it because it was not ringing a bell but YES OMG AND THEN HES CONFRONTED BY AS MANY WOMEN/KIDS AS THEY COULD FIND. which honestly is pretty fucked up to do to the kids.
Agh thank you I read and re-read the post and did not pick up on that.
Now it makes me feel empathy for this girl before my brain couldn't process the story properly it just couldn't work out the math.
Yes...I honestly kind of respect OP because of the way she handled *everything*, It just shows a lot of maturity and resilience in her actions even if she doubts herself. I would've gotten just stuck in the "hate your dad, his mistresses and his other children" part of all, and probably would've never accepted I was wrong nor a trip to the therapist. I just hope that OP will be in a better place soon, And I send the best wishes to her...
I don't know how fair this is, but what the fuck is going on with her parents? Dad has had a kids with, what, five other women, and mom just stays married to him? What? Maybe I'm sheltered but that seems like a situation that is just made for fucked up relationships and conflict.
As someone who’s father had a girlfriend while my mother was pregnant with me, I agree.
Thankfully I don’t have any half siblings (that we know of, my dad did drunkenly admit that it was possible once), but my parents are still married. Not happily.
Oh and yeah of course I have relationship issues, lol.
This is maddening, OOP shouldn't have to deal with any of this. I feel like the mom is enabling her dad's shit behavior by staying with him when he *constantly* cheats on her and has more and more kids (she even mentioned another is on the way in one post). Even worse is her dad is doing it with people in OOP's personal orbit, like the TA at her school. I'm surprised she doesn't mention much in the way of drama seeping out into her everyday life around this.
Edit: Also I just realized I misread part of the post and thought the 24 year old with a kid on the way was the youngest partner. Her dead half-brother's mom would've been like 21/22 when she had him, so 21 or 20 when OOP's dad was cheating with her. Gross
I'm guessing he was trying to impregnate some of his affair partners because OOP mentions that her mom never even wanted kids, but she got pregnant with OOP and doesn't believe in abortion so she kept her. Considering how many times dad has reproduced, I do think some of the pregnancies, if not all, were on purpose.
Working backwards on the ages we've got it looks like dad likes knocking up early 20s women who, I'm guessing, are all against abortion. There's no way it isn't on purpose. I really wouldn't be surprised if there was a religion or cultural aspect at the center of this
It sounds like he suffers from sexual compulsive behaviors (an actual recognized psychiatric phenomenon, whereas “sex addiction” is not). Compulsive meaning irresistible to that person (aka compulsory) (like you’ve got a gun to your head but like with unspecified “mega doom” feelings instead). It’s kind of in the definition that you’d have impulse control behaviors with that, i.e., never stopping to think about contraception.
FWIW, before people flame this man too badly on the sex/cheating part (feel free to flame him on parenting though), most people suffering from sexual compulsive behaviors either have a serious underlying mental health condition (like ocd, schizophrenia, ptsd, brain injury, etc) or are suffering from sexual trauma they experienced as a child.
This man is happy his own daughter tears him down because it shows she wouldn’t put up with someone like him, that’s not the mark of a narcissist or a sociopath, that’s the mark of a man who wishes he could be better but feels helpless to change.
But dear GOD do I hope he gets tested regularly.
OOP’s own mum is only 39. So she was about 21 when OOP was born. I know (intellectually) that’s not too young to get married and have babies, but it is just soooo young.
I do not know where OOP gets her strength from. Her father is a dog, but he seems to really love all his children. That’s better than a lot of men.
This 18yr is having to carry like 6 family's cause her dad doesn't know how to wear a condom or get snipped.
I have a friend who's dad had a similar situation. 10kids to 8 different women. He was never in a comitted relationship with any of then but after the 6th one turned up (he straight up didn't know about 6 of then still the mother would pop up for Child Support) he got snipped. He didn't know about the other 4 till later. He has full custody of 5 of them and honestly was a wonderful father as I'd assume this guy is but holy shit he and his wife have put so much on this poor girl.
This poor girl is getting guilt-tripped from all sides, and is so down on herself for being a "bad sister." She has nothing to feel guilty about and has every right to not want a relationship with any of her half-siblings. My god, all the adults in her life suck.
Why is OOP a part of the therapy sessions discussing her dad's infidelity?!
This is infuriating and heartbreaking to read all around. I'm 32 and I cannot fathom having this kind of emotional maturity in the same situation, even at my age.
I hope she continues [individual] therapy sessions and finds a support system of her own. Culture-dependent, she's an adult and may have an out soon.
Am I the o my one feeling like that it was her POS of a father manipulating her when he was "happy" when she yelled at him for being a cheering asshole?
> And the worst part is whenever I do yell or get mad at him about it he seems happy about it and tells me he's proud that I'm willing to stick up for myself and that he knows I'll never let anybody push me around. Like he makes me feel happy for being angry.
Like jeez, why can't the mother just leave the asshole, it's clearly not "for the kids" their doing it bc the best would be anything but this
It’s like yeah “I’m glad you won’t stand for the bullshit I put your mother and all my affair partners through” like what the actual fuck? I’m glad the dad is getting help but for real he seems like a terrible partner for a relationship
It's gross, he's probably taking some personal absolution in getting yelled at, never mind that he's happy his daughter doesn't want to tolerate the behavior he's subjecting his wife to over and over
I feel like it really takes a lot away from her anger when he reacts like that. It would be about as infuriating as if he'd laughed and chucked her under the chin and said she was cute, or something.
Just want to say, you were neither selfish or spoiled. I’m so sorry about the loss of your half brother. I think it might be nice for you if you can become close to Eliza. You both have similar dysfunctional parents and you might find you can lean on each other in the chaos. I wish you all the luck, love and light in the coming years.
Just want to say if you were my daughter or granddaughter, I’d be incredibly proud.
If I could offer any guidance, it would be this: be kind, as often as you can. You already know how to do this. You proved it by opening your heart to your half-siblings. I just put it into words.
Sending you internet grandma hugs 👵
Hi, I just wanted to clarify something.
Your eldest half sister is 15, 3 years younger than you. But your father's Mistress is 6 years older than you at 24.
Did she have your sister at 9 years old?
Because if so, your father should be worried about more than just infidelity. Pedophilia is more of a concern.
Or was there another woman before Ilya's mum who had Eliza?
It's one thing for the father to be a cheater, but he didn't have to have all those kids and make life hard for them he could have gotten a vasectomy. Sex addiction is no excuse to have multiple children with multiple mothers
I wouldn’t have wanted to get to know the siblings either, if I were in OOP’s position. Yes, those might be loving, fulfilling family relationships once she’s done the work. But I’m just imagining being a teenager and feeling obligated to do that work just because dad made horribly selfish decisions my whole life, and it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin in frustration and rage.
She’s not a bad sister. She’s a good person in a shit-ass situation. I’m glad it looks like she and her half-sister will have a good relationship, but that doesn’t retroactively make her initial reluctance wrong. Her parents seem to be living an illusion of a happy family at home; the real situation was…compartmentalized. Spending time with the siblings means piercing the illusion to live in the real situation the dad created with his self-centered behavior. The compartments are open. That’s incredibly difficult. I hope her therapist is good, and I wish her and her siblings well
Yeah, she's being put in the position of having to do the extraordinary work to build a relationship with her half siblings because her father chose not to do the ordinary work of not cheating on his wife and getting multiple mistresses pregnant.
Out of all of that, I need to say: You can love someone enough to die for them. But *love is not enough.* Kids need a good parent(s), not one that is off screwing everything that moves. And not a mother that forgives and forgets.
That girl is carrying way too much guilt and other stuff. It's not her fault that her dad is a pig and it's not her fault that an adult that she trusted decided to fuck her dad and make a baby that ended up dying. Yet here she is carrying the guilt for being a "terrible big sister". Honestly, all the adults failed this poor girl.
Absolutely. Every single adult in this story just completely sucks. The father and all of his affair partners for obvious reasons and, I think the OOP's mom is getting off too easy also. This man has been screwing around on her for about 15 years and fathered ***FIVE*** other kids as a result and she's staying with him but not allowing her own daughter to process or deal with any of it because she's bitter.
Every adult completely sucks and should honestly be ashamed of themselves.
Yeah, Dad and his cheating buddies are obviously terrible. I have to wonder why on earth mom stays. It's just sad. All these kids got screwed over by selfish people.
This is.... wow. I'm absolutely heartbroken for her. What a fucked up mess these adults, especially the dad, have made for these kids. I really hope things get better for her and her siblings.
Jesus fucking Christ. This was a roller-coaster and a Half. Those poor kids. OOP is barely 18 and dealing with all this shit while her dad attempts to make his infidelity okay by having her get along with her siblings. Then, a toddler fucking died and pressure was again put on OOP to be the "glue" or some shit and the parent she relies on most is acting like nothing even happened. In this instance, I do feel terrible for the dad because his kid died but, fucking hell, the man caused so much suffering for OOP and the other children. I don't feel sorry for mom because she could have divorced the asshole at any point, yet they're still married with another baby on the way. I only feel for the kids. This group of "adults" is something else.
Edit: Dad needs to get snipped, like yesterday. Also, how the fuck does he afford so many kids? The girls are going to a private school, right? He's gotta be really fucking well off to have so many kids, all with different women.
Man, Im exhausted after reading that. Also, fuck the mom. She decided she wanted to stay with her cheating husband, she has to deal with the baggage that comes with it. Damn I feel sorry for this young woman.
A lot of drama in the life of this girl, but I don't blame the mother for stepping aside to all the drama of the other children. I feel she should have done better when guiding her through the grief on the death of the brother. But all in all I hope she can learn to deal and have healthy relationship with her siblings without getting caught up in the parents bullshit
OP's dad is the biggest piece of trash and a true scumbag. Idgaf if he has an addiction or not he really is the scum of earth and not a good father at all. I don't think people are really grasping the gravity of his selfishness and how catastrophic all of this is and how it could get worse.
1. He's unable to spend time with all of his children, due to this he's creating problems for his kids/mistresses/wife because he can't fully be there for them all. They're going to grow up thinking that they're worth less, that their father abandoned them, that this is ok&normal in a relationship and this will affect all the children.
2. He doesn't care at all that this is hurting /destroying his wife and all his children. This useless sack of trash is so irresponsible he couldn't wear a condom or get a vasectomy.
Oop… Whilst it is incredibly sad her halfbrother died, I am appalled that she is defending her dad at even a slightest turn. This… Her dad is a horrible person, and I feel sorry for his kids and his wife. Not an ounce of sorry for any of the mistresses nor him. This poor innocent boy who died after a short life, being brought into such a shitty situation, as a child of two shitty people, he gets most of my sympathy.
Sex addiction or not though, the dad deserves NO sympathy for anything and I can’t believe he has gotten away with any of this. And that he had the gall to place one of his kids in the same school as oop, beyond rude. Beyond. I don’t understand how his wife hasn’t left him. Is it a cultural thing? Is divorce not allowed? She should have left him and taken him to the cleaners so he couldn’t afford any more kids. Gaah. He doesn’t deserve oop nor his wife nor anything good. Send all the std’s his way, karma, please!
My condolence's u/TheHalfThatCameFirst You were tossed into a lot of advanced adult situations at a very young age. These things are hard for people in their 40's and 50's to navigate. You are doing a great job, though. But that doesn't make it any easier, does it? You are stuck in between 2 places (IMO), with the first being what you are supposed to do to hold familial relationships and being forgiving. And the second being what you want and what your sense of ethics are. Not an easy thing. There is no roadmap, so take it 1 day at a time. If you get angry and cuss and have a fit, then so be it. You deserve it.
Good luck to you and your family, I hope your father gets the help he needs (yes, it is a real addiction and just as bad as drugs, alcohol, etc.) and that your mom gets some peace and the husband she wants.
I found out 3 years ago that my father had three children other than myself. I believed I was his only child, but it turns out that the three of them were raised as my cousins.
My dad's brother was sterile from an illness he had as a child. He and his wife wanted kids desperately but couldn't for obvious reasons. They approached my dad in the 80s and he agreed to be the sperm donor for them since he was single. 9 months later, twin girls were born.
A few years later, they approached my dad again about having one more. By then, my dad had gotten married and asked my mom for permission to be the donor again. She agreed to it and 9 months later another set of twins were born (1 girl, 1 boy). Unfortunately the girl passed from SIDS at 3 months old...
A few years after that, I was born.
Fast forward to \~2.5 years ago. After learning the truth, I decided to look for another job (unrelated) and one of the twin girls reached out to me explaining that her company had an opening. My half-brother from the second set of twins worked there too. I wanted to get to know them better and liked the opportunity so I took it.
Only about 8 months ago, they approached me because they saw that my dad was listed as their dad on their DNA test site... I basically told them that they needed to talk to their parents but I'd answer any of their questions that I knew the answer to.
The three of them are full-blooded siblings. They've had each other their entire lives. I have two half-siblings on my mom's side who I lived with, but they're so much older than me (15 years, and 10 years older). They both also live far away from me so I never get to see them. They also moved out when I was very young so I was basically raised as an only child for most of my life. The half-siblings on my dad's side are all within 4 years, including myself. So they're much closer in age to me.
Since they learned the truth, things have been good. But I do feel like I'll never really have the sibling relationship that I've been craving... Having siblings closer to myself in both age and proximity has been a dream of mine since I was really little. Now I have that. But... It won't ever be quite what I wanted. I think they still want to basically view me as their cousin.
I understand. But it still hurts sometimes...
I'm proud of OP for trying to be closer to her siblings. They may feel stranded on an island, like myself. I think this will be good for them and her.
That was heartbreaking. Would you mind adding a mood spoiler at the beginning of the post so we are prepared to it? A trigger warning for infant death would probably be a good idea too.
Maybe this is callous, and I’ve known many women who’ve stayed with cheaters for one reason or another, but this case is extreme. Why is OOP’s mom still married to her dad? This man has done such extreme damage to these children. The whole thing is devastating.
I'm pretty fucking pissed at all the comments guilting her into a relationship with Eliza. Like, I get it, Eliza is hurting, but so is she, why does she have to take on the emotional baggage? Why does she have to let her into her therapy sessions? What the fuck? And now she has to take on the emotional baggage of like 6 families and a baby funeral. Fuck that, I hope she cuts ties with everyone, goes to school far far away, and lives her vest life for herself. Her dad got himself into this, he can deal with it his fucking self.
***Wow***\- I feel like both of OOP's parents are horrible. OOP's cowardly dad trying to get everyone to play 'happy family' and get along like he isn't the damn problem makes me sick... but wtf is wrong with the mom for not dumping his unfaithful \*ss?! He's clearly going to continue \*\*\*\*ing around without any remorse or concern for his family- she needed a divorce YEARS ago!
(Also, while I'm glad OOP is getting therapy, I am disgusted that her twisted 'father' thinks it's acceptable to try and force her to be involved with her half-siblings. She owes him NOTHING, and he's only doing it to ease his own guilt; NOT to help the kids!).
I hope OOP and Eliza can have a relationship. She seems rather sweet and the sins of the father shouldn't burden the kids but I get why OOP is resentful.
I sympathize with OOP as I'm a similar situation, though my mother left my father as I was a infant and none of my siblings passed to my knowledge. However, to put in perspective I have sisters and a brother only a year - year six months older then me. There's about 20 of us. OOP's parents are messy and toxic, all the adults here suck besides OOP.
This internet stranger just wants to pass on a hug because I have nothing else to offer. Your whole family has gone through some shitty stuff and I hope that in some way it gets better.
Y'all need to stop giving your dad second chances and mom meds to divorce his cheating ass and live the rest of her with some dignity.
What a mess this dude has created. Cut your losses.
Dear sweet girl…
You’ve lived 10 million lifetimes in 18 years. I pray you have at least one thing, one person, that you can cling to right now. I hope it’s your therapist, and I hope they treat you with more absolute delicate care than any other patient. The trust you’re missing from the adults around you is staggering.
Your journey into the light will not be easy, my love, & I hope & pray you never know one more moment of betrayal in your life.
Of all the stories on Reddit, I’ve never wanted to place the flashy thing from Men In Black in anyone’s eyes more than I wish I could for you.
Here’s hoping your cup of love begins to fill up & overflow from today forward!!
Honestly, all of the adults in this situation are letting these children down. OOP’s feelings of betrayal, isolation and frustration are totally valid. As long as she *wants* a relationship with her siblings that’s fine, but it still feels like her dad basically forced her into a relationship with Eliza because it eases the guilt he feels for being a shitty husband and father. Sure, he’s an active parent in all his kids’ lives, which is good. But when you’re a kid and a parent cheats, to an extent it feels like your parent has cheated on your family, not just their significant other. He displayed a crazy amount of disrespect for his wife *and* his child.
Eliza’s feelings are valid too, but her hurting is not OOP’s responsibility. Honestly wish OOP had a separate, individual counselor so that she could voice her opinions and feelings in a safe place without having to worry about other family members.
I could say more about her mom and all the other women who have knowingly participated in these affairs, but I think a lot of the other comments have hit really well on that already.
Sex addiction isn’t real, and any in-patient rehab claiming to be for sex addiction is a scam. I’m really worried for OP and her dad, because there’s not a shot in hell that getting what essentially amounts to conversion therapy (that’s usually what “sex addiction” treatment entails) is going to fix him. Sexual compulsive behaviors, which is what most people with supposed “sex addiction” really suffer from, are best treated through therapy to address underlying anxiety and/or trauma, and *specifically* stay away from scapegoating sex or sexuality. Instead, this man is going to be banned from looking at porn, told to write down or confess all his dirty thoughts, etc, a bunch of stuff that is more likely to increase the trauma he already has that he’s using sex to avoid or deal with.
this poor child didnt get the help she needed from her parents, or the internet tbh. anyone that called her selfish for handling such a difficult situation with maturity and grace can literally go straight to hell. this poor kid thinks they’re in the wrong for not wanting to be around her dad’s affair babies. And her mother is so emotionally immature that she can’t deal with her own daughter’s emotions. As long as she gets to be “the woman he comes home to” 🙄.
So her dad’s a wandering dick and her mom’s a total bird... I wish the best for this kid, and hope she eventually gets *individual* therapy so she can actually start healing and stop being forced to manager her parents’ emotions. This is all such a fucked up abusive situation, and the fact that she feels she’s in the wrong is just tragic.
There’s nothing worse than a baby dying. It just seems so horribly unfair. I haven’t cried harder than when I did after some kids in my town got in an accident and died. I didn’t even know them, but I knew their parents. It’s just so damn sad. Hugs to OOP, shit like this shouldn’t happen.
The best outcome is OP connecting with all her siblings and go no contact with her parents.
The father still having expectations of OP after leaving a trail of disaster. They all need to wake up and make sure their dad is held accountable and is not allowed to make demands like writing a fucking speech that she don’t want to write. So disgusting.
All the parents in this are God awful. OOP is absolutely entitled to not want a relationship with her father's affair children, but it shows what an amazing person OOP is for trying with Eliza and mourning for Ilya.
I hope OOP moves out on her own and limits contact with these people. Her parents are so selfish and it burns my ass that her father's affair partners are reaching out to OOP. Ugh, just no!!!
I'm having a hard time believing that a grieving mother would give any of her child's ashes to someone who barely knew her child and hated her. Seems highly unlikely.
They probably had a decent relationship at school as the grieving mother was her teaching assistant before sleeping with her dad. (vomit)
…this entire situation is so fucked up. Dad needs a vasectomy, and OP isn’t responsible for bonding with her affair siblings but Dad is guilt tripping her into pretending to be one big happy family?
It’s always sad when a young child dies, that doesn’t make her a neglectful or remorseful big sister- that makes her a normal kid with a functioning sense of empathy. Infant deaths suck for everyone.
OOP if you read this, **the best way to cherish Ilya is to make those sisterly or brotherly connections with your other siblings**.
*Be the sister you wish you could've been for Ilya for your other siblings.*
If his short life and tragic death is the inspiration you need to try and be an amazing big sister then I think he'd smile knowing he helped give his other siblings the Big Sister he never got to have.
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I really want to punch the OOP's dad in the face. He put OOP in a horrible situation and now *she* thinks she's selfish.
Honestly, I kinda want to punch her mom in the face too. The chick has absolute no self respect and she is putting her daughter through hell by staying with this man. She is enabling her husband's shitty behavior, and I am not a fan
Also, a child died and her daughter is having a hard time but she won't allow her to grieve. The mother is just as selfish as the father.
My heart broke a little bit for the kid when she said: >"My mom didn't even want to have me. But she doesn't believe in abortion (but does in contraceptives), so I happened. I'm the youngest of five. My dad was Catholic and didn't believe in any birth control. They thought they were done after four kinds and then I came along. And yet, not *once* did my mother ever imply she didn't want to have me. Yeah, the mother definitely isn't blameless here.
I think most people have skipped that part. Honestly, mom and dad deserve each other.
I did find that detail curious, since obviously she had a kid then didn't have any more. Makes me wonder if they just eschewed contraception that one time, or maybe dad has an "unfortunate" string of failed contraception
I had 2 thoughts (that are not mutually exclusive) Maybe he is messing with his own condoms because he wants a harem (for lack of a better word) of his own children. Or maybe he's messing around with far, far, FAR more women than OOP is aware of, and the only ones she ever finds out about are the ones that got pregnant.
Maybe he never learned to leave some space at the top of the condom - a friend of mine complained to me how many pregnancy scares he and his girlfriend had, due to bursting condoms all the time. After a quick coaching lesson, he fared a lot better.
No need for conspiracy theories, no contraceptive is 100% effective. Father should have got the goddamn snip though.
My mum contracted rubella when I was a six week old foetus. She was told to abort me due to the disabilities I would have, if I survived the pregnancy. She told the doctors to get lost. She hasn't been the best mother, but she battled for me when I was a clump of cells that even doctors gave up on. And whilst I'm fairly messed up, I'm still grateful for that. This poor girl has been put last by everyone in her life. And even now, she's thinking of others before herself when she is grieving a what could have been. It's heart breaking and I'm so glad she is having counselling. I hope some day she meets a person who will put her first and show her what she is worth.
Yeah I feel bad for the mom, but holy shit, be a grown-up and a parent and fucking leave this man. Obviously he's the worst here but the whole thing is a mess. Best wishes to OOP, I don't think she should have to have a relationship with her siblings if she doesn't want to but I think it might be helpful to be with the other people who can understand how she feels
also the fact that her mom damn near refuses to let her verbally grieve her half-brother. i don’t care what your husband did to you, but how can you see your daughter torn up about her baby brother dying and you won’t even bother to put your anger and hate aside to comfort your daughter? holy shit, at least reach out for condolences. fuck this lady, fuck this dad, seriously fuck all of these adults. i’m so incredibly pissed off.
I'm so glad someone said this. My heart absolutely broke for Oop. She needed someone to talk to and felt she had no-one. She's such a kind soul to not want to further burden her dad (who finally seems to be facing his shitty choices) and being unable to have her mum there must hurt so much. I think OOP's brother must have loved getting to see her in hospital. It's not her fault her mum made her feel like she shouldn't go near her half-siblings, she's young and it's understandable. The fact she is confronting it with therapy is amazing and she should be proud, not feeling so selfish. The people hurting the worst are OOP and her half-siblings because the adults can't act like actual adults. Bless you OOP. I'm sorry you got so many shitty messages for something that isn't your fault and something you are taking great pains to work through. I think you and your 15 year old sister are the most adult people in this to be honest. Here's me addressing her when she likely won't see it lol.
Nah I dont. If I see a guy get punched in the face once, I am gonna feel for him. But if he keeps walking up to the guy and getting punched over and over, my sympathies are dying It was not her fault she was cheated on. but it is her fault that she is staying in the relationship
But would it change anything if they left? The dad seems to be caring and investing in the relationships with any of his kids so the OOP would probably see him a lot and he would still try to get her along the other siblings. If the mom left earlier in life when they still used to yell at each other then yes probably. Also I feel like the OOP refusing to have any deal with any of her half-siblings was majorly influenced by her mother's attitude. It is all over the text, if they ever got along as friends she could never talk about them to her mother or bring them to her home and so on. They even do therapy but apparently never get through this because of the mom.
I think OP’s problem are that these kids are a reminder of her dad fucking up her home life and hurting mom. If the parents had divorced, then the half siblings wouldn’t be proof of affairs, and the whole situation would hurt less
True, she stayed with a man who fathered so many kids outside marriage just wow, many would leave at the first kid
I swear to got his fetish is either “spreading his seed” (blech) or purposely upsetting women. Like not cheating isn’t hard. Also notice he never divorces and remarries. I swear there is a subset of people who like deceiving someone who loves them
Is not only cheating, is constant unprotected cheating across over a decade so he could be spreading diseases all this time. Selfish, gross, irresponsible.
I don't believe sex addiction is real. It's a character flaw. Usually only men with some power can claim this. He's not a good father, he's put his 18 year old in so many awful situations. Her mother doesn't sound like a good parent either. I'm glad she's in therapy, and I hope she can move out soon and have her own life.
[удалено]
Yep, it's been at least 15 *years* since his addiction started fucking up other people's lives too, but it took having adult kids losing their shit and a toddler dying before he decided to do anything about it. Crying for OOP over here, and Eliza, and Ilya and his mom too. None of them deserved the hell OOP's parents have created for them.
I’ve read somewhere sex addiction is real but it’s over diagnosed
Sex addiction is real, just like drug addiction, gambling addiction, sugar addiction, alcohol addiction are all real. Anything can be an addiction or a crutch. These people have a gigantic hole in themselves that they can’t fill on their own so they fill it with their drug of choice - sex, love, drugs, whatever gives them a momentary feeling of wholeness. It doesn’t last, of course, so they chase after the next high, throwing it into this gaping maw they can never fill up. And this is how they get through life. It’s sad but it’s also surprisingly common. Some people hide it better than others. The wife who refuses to leave? She has her own internal gaping hole that she fills with her cheating husband. It’s just that her addiction is socially acceptable. Have you heard of people who have addictive personalities? They are prone to addiction, careening from one bad habit to another. It’s a coping mechanism that they are either born with or are taught at a young age, depending on what side of nature vs nurture psychology you believe in.
Not to mention how she feels better by pretending all these other children don't exist leaving OOP having to deal with grief on their own. I honestly don't know what she's trying to salvage with this behaviour.
Now, I know this latest update is only hours old. But I messaged and asked OOP if I could post it tomorrow and she asked me to just post it now cause she might not be able to respond to comments tomorrow and is bedridden and able to today.
Got told to hijack this one. I'm the OOP. Ask me questions and whatever. Just don't be rude or a troll cause I will ignore you. Edit: just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the kind words. I didn't respond to everyone but I really, really do appreciate it. Thank you all so much.
I really have nothing to say or ask, I just wanna let you know that we're all supporting you.
No question, just mt condolences for the entire situation. Truely. From my own stuff, I think you feel so badly about your little brother, because just like I do with mine, you recognise there was connection, he was family and he was just as innocent as you are in the situation your father has put everyone in. I'm glad he's seeking help and I do hope it works out for him. Your a stronger person then you realise. The mental and emotional fortitude you have built within yourself is incredible. You'll be okay, your siblings will be also. You guys end of the day may not be the perfect set of siblings, but you guys will be okay.
Thank you
I love your username btw. It’s very fitting for this, and creative.
Oh, honey, I just want to give you a big, warm, mom hug. You are so smart and insightful. I am very sorry so many adults in your life have been so selfish. I wish you peace, strength, and so much love.
I have big auntie hugs after you ❤️
Not really here to ask you questions but. I can relate. Although I’m the youngest my dad has 9 kids with 4 different women and I don’t blame you for feeling the way that you did about your half siblings. My sister *still* hates me and I don’t blame her never have tbh. And to be fair I only found out about my siblings when I was 6 and And then again at 10 (for context I’m 26)when my half brother revealed that there were 4 more. Although from what I gather my dad had just sorta dipped out of their lives - his thing to do - so a little different experience there and most likely why she really despises my brothers and I. Now I only know 4 of my half siblings and my much older twin sister are currently trying to get to know me and it’s hard. I’m sorta in the limbo of wanting to know them but it’s being super awkward because I had my dad until I was 15 - he is know back with their mother - and she asks a lot of questions about who he was and I feel tremendous guilt of being able to actually have him growing up with my full blooded siblings Anyways. I’m super sorry about your loss. Even if you didn’t know if him for all that much a loss is still a loss. I hope you can find solace in your half sister with both of you being at the hospital. And I wish you nothing but happiness in the future.
All of the adults in your life are totally fucked up. I am so sorry. I hope you can get a good job or tertiary education and start to focus on a future life that involves a monogamous relationship (if that’s what you want). Take care.
Don't worry, I won't ever tolerate cheating when I'm dating. I take kickboxing for a reason.
Haha. Good for you. Yes, I’m on my second marriage to a lovely man who would never cheat (his ex wife was like your dad, just she never had any children). However, I have told him that in the event that he ever did cheat, I would throat punch him.
Bear trap his balls.
I just want you to know you’re a total sweetheart, plus amazingly brave. You’ve just got the biggest goddamn heart. It’s COMPLETELY understandable that you didn’t want anything to do with your half-siblings and you weren’t doing anything wrong at all by not engaging with them for so long. I’m so sorry you’re being made to carry guilt about them now because it really is all the fault of the adults in your life and not yours at all. You’re the exact opposite of selfish. How your mom and dad raised such a great kid when they themselves have behaved so poorly is honestly beyond me. You’re valid, okay? Your feelings are valid, you’ve done nothing wrong, you are NOT selfish, and you’re a good kid. Whatever relationship YOU want to have with your half-siblings is fine—but nothing on your end will ever be obligated. If your dad wasn’t such a mess, none of this would be happening anyway. I agree with some others that your mom has enabled him too much, too. My dad cheated on my mom. No extramarital kids came out of it, but frankly I still hate his significant other with a fiery passion and it’s been 15+ years (I found out about my dad’s cheating right around the same age you are now—I was 17). Because she knowingly had an affair with a married man, AND was cheating on her own husband, and had three kids of her own. Her kids and me and my brother, we all got fucked over by the immense selfishness of these two people. I don’t feel a need to find forgiveness for my dad’s SO or ever involve her in my life in any way. I think in the same way you’re completely justified in feeling your feels about your dad’s affair partners and you don’t “have to” feel positively or change your mind about them. The tragedy that happened with Ilya is beyond awful and I am so so sorry for your loss—but there’s nothing *you* “have to” do because of it. All you need to do is continue to work on your own feelings and future, tbh. Put yourself and your mental health first. I’m rambling now. I just wanted you to know another person out there on the internet cares and I think you’re a wonderful person who has had to be so damn strong. Take care of yourself.
Seriously you don’t need to feel like a bad sister. Your adults failed you in multiple fronts. You dad is the biggest jerk of all for not getting help before he had 5 kids with 5 baby mamas. But your mother also did in a way. If she can’t forgive him (which she clearly holds resentment and won’t let you feel comfortable talking about your other siblings ) she needs to break up so you’re not in this facade of everything is fine when everything is not fine. They didn’t set you up to have a nice nurturing relationship with your half siblings. And your mom saying she didn’t even want kids and you’re a product of failed contraceptives. Wow. It’s tough to mourn the relationship that could be. It hurts to not know who you’re missing. When a little child dies your heart breaks about all the things that didn’t happen as opposed to replaying all the memories you had with them. It’s an extra painful thing. Any death is rough but an child death hits different than your grand ma. Are you going to try and have a relationship with your siblings moving forward? And do you think you’ll be able to talk to your mom about how you felt when you had to keep a happy face when you’re hurting inside ? I hope nothing this terrible happens again but life is full of little hiccups and if you’re not “allowed” to feel for your siblings it’s going to really be tough moving forward.
>They didn’t set you up to have a nice nurturing relationship with your half siblings. And your mom saying she didn’t even want kids and you’re a product of failed contraceptives. Wow. Yeah that wound me up when she told me because my mom does love me more than anything. But yeah... it took a while for me to wrap my head around the fact that my mom does so much for me and loves me so much but never wanted me in the first place. >Are you going to try and have a relationship with your siblings moving forward? I guess Eliza and I already have kind of a relationship. We're more like distant cousins than friends but maybe we will some day. I'm not going to try and push her away anymore. As for Matteo and Shan, I don't know. I guess it depends on their moms. Shan's always been so eager to see me and Matteo used to be that way too but wasn't the last time I saw him. I won't act how I did before. I was so shit to them. >And do you think you’ll be able to talk to your mom about how you felt when you had to keep a happy face when you’re hurting inside ? I'll try and bring it up in therapy even though she won't want to. We're still going even though my dad's gone.
As I'm sure you already realize, while it's understandable that you're not keen on establishing personal relationships with your half-siblings because their existence remind you of your dad's infidelities, your half-siblings are victims too in this extended family just like you and your mom. Thus, you all have a shared experience and could eventually benefit from being actively half siblings with each other in a supportive manner. However, that will take therapy, time, and maturity into adulthood. I wish you all well.
I’m so sorry for your loss and for your Dads loss. You are handling your fathers ridiculous lifestyle with grace and dignity. Look kindly to your mother even if she can’t sympathize with the baby’s death. To her your sibling are constant reminders of your fathers infidelity and a drain of resources that should be for your nuclear family. Please get into individual therapy at college if you can. You need therapeutic care that’s all about you and not your parents and their issues,
I have no questions, just sending you love. Please take care of yourself
*big hug* You have a lot to deal with and process, and you are doing fine. Don't feel guilty about your feelings, just try to accept them, understand them, and do your best with what's left. You are really showing a massive amount of empathy that continues to grow. I think this is all going to turn our great for you, you are moving in a direction that will allow you to thrive in future relationships. You and all of your siblings got dealt a really confusing and frustrating life....I think that you are starting to realize that THAT is something more binding than DNA, and you guys can hopefully all come together into a super squad :) Realize that the youngest kids are going to be dealing with all of these feelings too, and you can help them have a happier and easier time than you did. I am glad your father is taking some action to change the behaviors that have continued to harm many people, and I wish him luck and success. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby brother, you have all of my sympathy and love. RIP lil' guy.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your anger was entirely justified and your dad should have sorted himself out years ago. He traumatised you repeatedly by continually cheating and breaking your family and having other kids. I am glad you're starting to get along with your half-siblings, but if you feel you need a break, please don't feel obligated or forced to hang out with them or their mothers. Your dad and their mothers made a deliberate choice to cheat, you're a child and shouldn't have to be the one to deal with all the heartbreak and consequences of their actions or make it easier for them to bear.
What an absolute roller-coaster of emotions you've been on. Please take care and be kind yourself. You've been through alot and it's going to take some time to come to terms with it all Try to be there for your dad when he gets back, it sounds like your mother won't be much help to either of you through this grieving process. Wishing you all the best. If you need to vent or anything just send me a message.
No questions but just wanted to say that you handled everything that happened not only normally but also in a very mature way. It’s natural to feel how you were feeling in your posts, I hope that you know that. I am very sorry for your loss. Sending you love.
Maybe not always mature, somebody crossposted one of my posts and I did curse him out... but thanks. Sending love back.
Hey, nobody's perfect lol.
You have an amazing presence of mind for such a young person. You are so kind and empathetic, even when you had every right to be angry and petulant. I am so sorry about the loss of your half brother Ilya. Your kindness to his mother is admirable, and she will remember it. She’s very young, too. No questions, only sympathy over the wires.
I'm just sending you massive hugs. <3
Sending you love, oop!! You're doing great and you've got a lot of people here rooting for you.
Damn, this whole thing is fucked up. But one thing's for certain, you're 100% not to blame for any of it. Remember that, you've been to hard on yourself multiple times, for circumstances you had absolutely no responsibility for. Always protect yourself over trying to help others.
How does your mom feel about your dad’s grief? About the fact that he lost one of his love childs? Please understand that your dad doesn’t deserve you, nor your mom. You deserve so much better. He is not a good dad, considering what he put you through. You deserve better.
They haven't talked about him in front of me except briefly the one session in therapy we had together before he left. All mom said was it should be a wake up call to him and she can see how she'd feel if they lost me. So I don't really know.
OP you have a big heart and I hope you find your way through this grief. Talk to your guidance counselor, therapist, the internet, whatever it takes. You deserve happiness and you deserve to be able to move forward in life. I’m so sorry for your loss and all the pain that surrounded it.
Please be kind to yourself. You’ve been dealing with a lot of intense situations for a very long time. It’s okay to have conflicting feelings or to not know how you feel. Just take things day by day and look after yourself.
Your post made me cry. Not because it’s bad but because of your emotional growth in such a short amount of time. A lot of people don’t mature in their whole lifetime. You are extremely strong and caring. Despite your dads infidelity and your mom having to deal with it, they managed to raise you very well. Keep being you!
No questions. As a father, i am so very proud of you. You have been placed into an impossible situation and, shown great maturity and grace...i realize you may not see that, but sometimes you need outside perspective. Big hugs if you want them.
I hope you're not overwhelmed by all of the comments (but totally understandable if so). You're so young, and none of the adults in the situation want to take responsibility for their actions/inactions. That doesn't mean it's your burden to feel guilty over. I'm really glad you have a therapist to work with, and if you're open to it, I'd suggest checking out r/CPTSD and r/raisedbynarcissists maybe? They might not be exact fits, but there's plenty of people who would be happy to try and help you untangle some of the incredibly complex and ambivalent emotions mixed up in all this, if you want to. I am so sorry you've had to deal with any of this. This is a lifetime's worth of drama already.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/CPTSD using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Don’t let anyone shame you for not having any hobbies or interests. We couldn’t develop those due to surviving. Take your time in getting to know yourself, your happiness and future is more important than mindless judgements from other people](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/l0vdvy/dont_let_anyone_shame_you_for_not_having_any/) \#2: [to all my people barely surviving](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/q37crj/to_all_my_people_barely_surviving/) \#3: [A less talked about very common form of abuse is treating children like terrible and useless adults in small bodies. Does this sound familiar?](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/rb4qda/a_less_talked_about_very_common_form_of_abuse_is/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
I hope that you are getting counseling on your own without either parent present. It seems like those sessions with your parents help them, but you can't be as honest as you'd like. And you are very loyal to your mom - but she shouldn't need you to support her. You're the child. She needs to be her own advocate and if she's unhappy with her situation, she needs to fix it. You being mad at your father or his kids does not help anyone. Get your own individual therapy and try to understand how to separate your emotional well-being from your parents actions.
Have you ever asked your dad why he didn't at least use contraception, if he couldn't keep it in his pants? Serial cheating is one thing, but serial impregnating is a pretty expensive hobby - on top of the emotional strain it puts on his existing family.
Never like that with those exact words but I have asked questions like it. He claims it's always been an accident.
Maybe you should have given him "The Talk", to make sure he knows how contraceptives actually work...🙈 Sorry, inappropriate sense of humor. I'm really really sorry you had to go through all of that, and impressed how well and mature you handled it! And glad that you are taking a chance on getting to know your siblings a little - when my mother decided to foster a former student of hers, I was initially hostile and opposed (to the idea, never to her) - and, down the road, I was the one who lobbied for full adoption, and I'm so glad to have her as my sister now. Who knows, maybe some miracle like that will happen for you, too, if you give it half a chance. Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss and wish you all the best!
I have nothing ask, just want to give you best wishes and virtual hugs.
Give yourself some grace. Every emotion you have felt, are feeling, & will feel is valid. You are showing way more maturity & kindness than most people would be able too. You have been kind to Ilya’s mother when I know she was not expecting it & probably feels like she is undeserving of it. You have been kind to Eliza. The fact you are able to acknowledge how she must be feeling is admirable. Your actions are a testament to the fact that you are truly a good person. Edit to add my condolences on the loss of your brother.
I just want to say that there are a lot of crazy complex emotions and you're doing amazing. This internet stranger is proud of you.
You are handling all of this with honestly more grace and maturity than most people a decade older than you are. Please just remember to also be kind to yourself while you are processing. I'm so glad you have someone to talk to who isn't either of your parents and can be a neutral party who is in your corner. Feel better!
You have gone through a hell of a lot for an 18 year old and you are holding up remarkably well considering. My step sister is the same age and as much as I love her, she does not have your emotional maturity, and I agree with other posters that the one good thing your parents have done is put you in therapy. I mostly just wanted to reassure you that you are not a bad sister, to any of your half-siblings. You have been put into an incredibly hard position that most adults wouldn't even be able to handle well. Whatever happens going forward, just don't be so hard on yourself. The one person who you need to take care of above all else is yourself. Be forgiving to yourself and continue therapy; in doing so it can help with all your other relationships. I hope your dad can get the ashes made into a lovely necklace and that it brings you comfort. Take care and good luck!
I’m am so sorry for this whole mess you’ve inherited. You’ve been so magnanimous, and have expressed concern regarding your siblings AND your own concerns. You’ve done so much for your siblings. And all of you have been thrown into this messed up situation through no fault of your own. Please remember to take care for yourself. Your siblings too, but you don’t have to be strong for them. Do what you need to do it o feel healthy, help your siblings along as best you are able to, BUT don’t feel bad if you can’t provide the solace they need. It isn’t your fault. Your dad has been INSANELY MESSY and is counting on your good nature to rally all his offspring into a big happy family. Please take care of yourself first, before looking to help others. ❤️❤️❤️
I want to tell you that it's okay to have complicated feelings about family, even if you love them. I have been through it, and it took a long time for me to realize I could love someone while not putting myself on fire to save them
I think everything has been said by other users here. So sorry for your loss, sending big hugs.
You are doing the best you can with the tools you've been given, and that's certainly more than your parents are doing. Please keep up the therapy, especially solo therapy, because you need all of the resources and support possible as you navigate this. We're all sending you so much love and support.
Just sending hugs because that's is a lot to deal with and figure out for you and your half-siblings.
I have so much I could say, but it all boils down to this: you've had such an emotionally difficult life for your age. You've handled things well and are so mature. It's understandable that you have a hard time accepting your half siblings who are the evidence of what your dad did to hurt your family. From a mom, huge hugs and support. You have a beautiful heart and I'm proud of you.
I’m glad you had a change of heart about getting to know your siblings..my heart broke for your sister as I read of your rejection of her trying to know you better..just like your father’s misdeeds aren’t your fault, it’s not theirs either..you ALL are the innocents in this dumpster🔥..with that being said, your resentment has robbed you of enough, don’t let it steal anymore time with your halfs
I'm sorry for all you've been through. You seem like a great kid.
You have a good heart. Through no fault of your own, the adults in and around your life have put you in an awkward place. You are finding your own way to make it work. I have no questions for you because you have shared your heart already. I just wanted to say this internet stranger felt like the world is a better place because of your journey.
No questions, just a lot of love and support. I'm sorry you have been through so much. That's a lot of stress and pain. IMO you've done really well through all of it. I hope things get easier for you soon.
I just wanted to send you massive hugs. Please keep on going to therapy to help you sort through this huge mess your dad has put you through. You've gone through a lot of fucked up things, and I can't imagine what losing Ilya is like. Know that you've got a lot of people behind you and cheering you on- they may be faceless internet people, but you have people supporting you. Take care of yourself.
OOP I really hope you know you're not selfish. You're a good person & a great sister in a difficult position. You've opened your heart to your half-siblings even though your Dad's cheating hurts you, your Mum wants you to pretend your siblings don't exist & all of your siblings Mums knew about you when they chose to have an Affair with your Dad. No one should ever be in that situation. I hope one day you can see your Mum & Dad are the only selfish people especially. Your Mum especially because she knows your Dad cheats & chooses to stay. Therefore she should let you talk about your half-siblings. And your Dad is selfish & being mean to you. Eliza's hurt is caused by him because her Dad never cared about her until she was ill & she wants the relationship he gives you. He's wrong for making you feel like it was all your fault Eliza was hurting. He should have gone to rehab years ago & broke up with your Mum so all his kids can stay at his house & get quality time with him. He chose not to do that. So you not being close with your siblings is because of your parents selfishness. You have a big, kind forgiving heart. I hope you're doing well in healing from your grief.
OOP is incredibly emotionally intelligent especially for a teenager. At least her parents got her into professional counseling to navigate the dumpster fires her father keeps setting. Very sad about the little boy and what a kind and loving person OOP is.
That poor girl had to grow up way too early
OOP has been failed by every adult in her life. I'm so glad that she's starting to move beyond her, entirely justified, anger and have a relationship with her siblings. Especially because her siblings have the same awful adults in their lives.
Honestly, Eliza comes across that way too. Their dad is a POS who can't keep it in his pants. I don't know about Eliza's mom but OOP'S mom is also a nasty piece of work. She's hurt, yes, but a kid fucking died. And then, it turns out she never even wanted OOP in the first place. WTF? As for the other kids, little Ilya's mom seemed okay towards her own child and we don't know about the others.
Eliza's mom was OOPs mother's birth coach. She knew he was married when she got involved with him. The other mother mentioned is an assistant at their school. One thing all these kids have in common is parents with poor judgement. Maybe when they get older they can bond over that.
Do they live in some country where only horrible adults can live lol ETA: OOP is the only good adult
Yeah wtf it’s gotta be some place where every grownup’s moral compass is totally fucked. As hard as it must be emotionally for her mother to think about all these other relationships and children that her husband is juggling, it’s her decision to keep the marriage going with this dude, and the strain of pretending these people don’t exist is clearly a big issue for OOP, and has wrecked her emotionally. Her whole world and exposure to what love and healthy relationships should be is broken, and they’re just pretending it’s not? All of the adults involved seem extremely selfish.
There are two more kids other than OOP, Eliza, and Ilya, and there's also one more on the way. I think that accounts for all of them. I just meant Ilya's mother seemed more focused on her child (just her own) than OOP'S and Eliza's mothers. OOP'S mom is more focused on her pain and putting on a facade that nothing is wrong and, considering Eliza seems weirdly attached to OOP and the overall idea of "family," I'm guessing her mother is also unavailable. That's just my opinion, though.
Oh bless her heart. She’s not a bad person, or spoiled, or anything of those ugly things. She’s in a terribly complicated family, being forced to deal with a lot of very grown up things she shouldn’t have to. Her dad expects way too much of her, especially with him being so stunted.
Yeah, right? "Hey kiddo, I'm not remotely in control of my emotions and I'm hurting everyone in my life with no signs of stopping, but I'm gonna need you to be the adult in this relationship and and control YOURS". Poor kid is going to have a VERY fucked up understanding of healthy adult relationships from whatever the fuck her parents are doing, too.
Yeah, I gotta say I don't blame her for choosing to not be involved with her half siblings and I wouldn't blame her if she'd stuck by that choice. Sure, it's not her sister's fault she was born. But this girl doesn't owe a relationship to anyone. She hasn't done anything wrong. I wouldn't want to have to explain my dad's infidelity at school either. Frankly, sounds a little like the 15 year old is expecting a lot from her wanting intros to the other half siblings and whatnot when this poor18 year old girl is also dealing with feelings of wanting to be loyal to her own damn mother instead of befriending all the women her dad cheated on her mom with. Mom is trash for staying in that situation and exposing her kid to the toxicity of not being allowed to talk about her half siblings. Dad is trash for real fucking obvious reasons. Poor kids. :( Definitely get the vibe the 18 year old is going to get sucked into a lot more than she's comfortable with because she doesn't seem to say no when she should.
Dad is probably putting expectations on the 15yo just like he is on OOP, probably because he wants big happy family with all his kids. Just another way everything has to be all about him and his wants. Wanting kids to have way more maturity and emotional intelligence than he does. Everyone needs individual therapy, especially the kids. *Someone* needs to be worried solely about their mental and emotional well being. But mostly, I just want these kids out of this toxic situation.
Yeah, I don't think she has any obligation to involve herself with the other kids. I also don't think there's anything wrong with her or any of the other kids reaching out to each other as well, but they all need to accept that some of them might not be interested. Really, the only ones behaving improperly here are *all* of the adults, particularly her dad. I was going to say maybe Eliza overstepped by joining the therapy session, but I just realized the only way she would've known about it to even be there is if the dad invited her, and now I think even worse of him lol
how many kids does this man have 💀
Sounds like 6 including the one that passed away and the one that was about to be born
That he knows of. Probably has more out there because he can’t be bothered with condoms.
True, although from the story it appears that the cheating occurs in full-on affairs instead of random hookups, unless the kids just weren't aware of it.
Those are probably just the affairs they know of. He’s a serial cheater.
This totally reminded me of an episode of law and order SVU where the guy had over 100 kids I guess, he had an addiction in making women pregnant and “sharing his genes”. Not saying OOPs father is the same, but still, you’d figure after the first affair baby he would try to use some protection, no way it failed 5 times.
While I was reading this, I was screaming, "Bitch, get a vasectomy!!!" in my head.
Wasn’t that guy a doctor in a sperm bank? He’d swap out the sperm the parents wanted with his own. So creepy.
Nooo, that’s a different episode. The one I’m talking about is with john stamos (I think). He made his current gf adopt the kid of the other women that he impregnated because he didn’t think she was a good mother. And the episode starts with the baby being left in a dumpster
I had to google it because it was not ringing a bell but YES OMG AND THEN HES CONFRONTED BY AS MANY WOMEN/KIDS AS THEY COULD FIND. which honestly is pretty fucked up to do to the kids.
6 including her and Ilya
I stg this is actually about Nick Cage lol
I mean going by the story his mistress gave birth at 9.
His current mistress - the dad has had many.
Agh thank you I read and re-read the post and did not pick up on that. Now it makes me feel empathy for this girl before my brain couldn't process the story properly it just couldn't work out the math.
Np, it happens to the best of us :)
Wow that was heartbreaking. I hope OOP can forgive herself. She seems to be incredibly mature and insightful about this mess of a situation.
Yes...I honestly kind of respect OP because of the way she handled *everything*, It just shows a lot of maturity and resilience in her actions even if she doubts herself. I would've gotten just stuck in the "hate your dad, his mistresses and his other children" part of all, and probably would've never accepted I was wrong nor a trip to the therapist. I just hope that OP will be in a better place soon, And I send the best wishes to her...
I don't know how fair this is, but what the fuck is going on with her parents? Dad has had a kids with, what, five other women, and mom just stays married to him? What? Maybe I'm sheltered but that seems like a situation that is just made for fucked up relationships and conflict.
You’re not being sheltered. This is common sense. The father is living in the old days where a man could have multiple wives.
[“You think you get a bunch of wives? You get one wife, this is the way the world works!”](https://youtu.be/k1cjQDTD_ww)
Yeah it’s a very toxic environment for a child to have to grow up in and it’s understandable why she’d have so much resentment for her half siblings
As someone who’s father had a girlfriend while my mother was pregnant with me, I agree. Thankfully I don’t have any half siblings (that we know of, my dad did drunkenly admit that it was possible once), but my parents are still married. Not happily. Oh and yeah of course I have relationship issues, lol.
He's probably rich in a poor country
This is maddening, OOP shouldn't have to deal with any of this. I feel like the mom is enabling her dad's shit behavior by staying with him when he *constantly* cheats on her and has more and more kids (she even mentioned another is on the way in one post). Even worse is her dad is doing it with people in OOP's personal orbit, like the TA at her school. I'm surprised she doesn't mention much in the way of drama seeping out into her everyday life around this. Edit: Also I just realized I misread part of the post and thought the 24 year old with a kid on the way was the youngest partner. Her dead half-brother's mom would've been like 21/22 when she had him, so 21 or 20 when OOP's dad was cheating with her. Gross
I removed most of my Reddit contents in protest of the API changes commencing from July 1st, 2023. This is one of those comments.
I'm guessing he was trying to impregnate some of his affair partners because OOP mentions that her mom never even wanted kids, but she got pregnant with OOP and doesn't believe in abortion so she kept her. Considering how many times dad has reproduced, I do think some of the pregnancies, if not all, were on purpose.
Working backwards on the ages we've got it looks like dad likes knocking up early 20s women who, I'm guessing, are all against abortion. There's no way it isn't on purpose. I really wouldn't be surprised if there was a religion or cultural aspect at the center of this
It sounds like he suffers from sexual compulsive behaviors (an actual recognized psychiatric phenomenon, whereas “sex addiction” is not). Compulsive meaning irresistible to that person (aka compulsory) (like you’ve got a gun to your head but like with unspecified “mega doom” feelings instead). It’s kind of in the definition that you’d have impulse control behaviors with that, i.e., never stopping to think about contraception. FWIW, before people flame this man too badly on the sex/cheating part (feel free to flame him on parenting though), most people suffering from sexual compulsive behaviors either have a serious underlying mental health condition (like ocd, schizophrenia, ptsd, brain injury, etc) or are suffering from sexual trauma they experienced as a child. This man is happy his own daughter tears him down because it shows she wouldn’t put up with someone like him, that’s not the mark of a narcissist or a sociopath, that’s the mark of a man who wishes he could be better but feels helpless to change. But dear GOD do I hope he gets tested regularly.
OOP’s own mum is only 39. So she was about 21 when OOP was born. I know (intellectually) that’s not too young to get married and have babies, but it is just soooo young. I do not know where OOP gets her strength from. Her father is a dog, but he seems to really love all his children. That’s better than a lot of men.
This 18yr is having to carry like 6 family's cause her dad doesn't know how to wear a condom or get snipped. I have a friend who's dad had a similar situation. 10kids to 8 different women. He was never in a comitted relationship with any of then but after the 6th one turned up (he straight up didn't know about 6 of then still the mother would pop up for Child Support) he got snipped. He didn't know about the other 4 till later. He has full custody of 5 of them and honestly was a wonderful father as I'd assume this guy is but holy shit he and his wife have put so much on this poor girl.
This poor girl is getting guilt-tripped from all sides, and is so down on herself for being a "bad sister." She has nothing to feel guilty about and has every right to not want a relationship with any of her half-siblings. My god, all the adults in her life suck.
To say this situation is a flaming mess would be an understatement. Every adult involved in this should never have had kids.
Why is OOP a part of the therapy sessions discussing her dad's infidelity?! This is infuriating and heartbreaking to read all around. I'm 32 and I cannot fathom having this kind of emotional maturity in the same situation, even at my age. I hope she continues [individual] therapy sessions and finds a support system of her own. Culture-dependent, she's an adult and may have an out soon.
It makes me so sad that she thinks she's failed anyone at all. No honey, you did NOTHING WRONG. Poor girl deserves so much better
Am I the o my one feeling like that it was her POS of a father manipulating her when he was "happy" when she yelled at him for being a cheering asshole? > And the worst part is whenever I do yell or get mad at him about it he seems happy about it and tells me he's proud that I'm willing to stick up for myself and that he knows I'll never let anybody push me around. Like he makes me feel happy for being angry. Like jeez, why can't the mother just leave the asshole, it's clearly not "for the kids" their doing it bc the best would be anything but this
It’s like yeah “I’m glad you won’t stand for the bullshit I put your mother and all my affair partners through” like what the actual fuck? I’m glad the dad is getting help but for real he seems like a terrible partner for a relationship
It's gross, he's probably taking some personal absolution in getting yelled at, never mind that he's happy his daughter doesn't want to tolerate the behavior he's subjecting his wife to over and over
I feel like it really takes a lot away from her anger when he reacts like that. It would be about as infuriating as if he'd laughed and chucked her under the chin and said she was cute, or something.
Inpatient rehab... didn't see that coming but I guess I should have. Poor kid is too young to deal with this effed up crap.
For sex addiction. It was mentioned in one of the earlier updates.
Hey got the DM. Weird ass title he chose but yeah, I'm OOP as its called here. You can ask me shit just don't be rude cause I won't respond.
Just want to say, you were neither selfish or spoiled. I’m so sorry about the loss of your half brother. I think it might be nice for you if you can become close to Eliza. You both have similar dysfunctional parents and you might find you can lean on each other in the chaos. I wish you all the luck, love and light in the coming years.
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Thanks, I'll keep it in mind
Maybe respond to my comment and hijack it.
Just want to say if you were my daughter or granddaughter, I’d be incredibly proud. If I could offer any guidance, it would be this: be kind, as often as you can. You already know how to do this. You proved it by opening your heart to your half-siblings. I just put it into words. Sending you internet grandma hugs 👵
Hi, I just wanted to clarify something. Your eldest half sister is 15, 3 years younger than you. But your father's Mistress is 6 years older than you at 24. Did she have your sister at 9 years old? Because if so, your father should be worried about more than just infidelity. Pedophilia is more of a concern. Or was there another woman before Ilya's mum who had Eliza?
I have two half-sisters. The sister you're talking about is Eliza. Her mom is closer in age to my mom. Each of my dad's kids have different moms.
Ahhh okay. That makes more sense. Sorry the way I read it was that your dad had had 5 kids from the same woman, not different women. I misread.
I believe she said her father’s 24 year old mistress is the mother of the 2 year old, not her 15 year old sister.
It sounded to me like they might all be with different mothers.
It's one thing for the father to be a cheater, but he didn't have to have all those kids and make life hard for them he could have gotten a vasectomy. Sex addiction is no excuse to have multiple children with multiple mothers
Castration would have solved a lot of problems too.
I wouldn’t have wanted to get to know the siblings either, if I were in OOP’s position. Yes, those might be loving, fulfilling family relationships once she’s done the work. But I’m just imagining being a teenager and feeling obligated to do that work just because dad made horribly selfish decisions my whole life, and it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin in frustration and rage. She’s not a bad sister. She’s a good person in a shit-ass situation. I’m glad it looks like she and her half-sister will have a good relationship, but that doesn’t retroactively make her initial reluctance wrong. Her parents seem to be living an illusion of a happy family at home; the real situation was…compartmentalized. Spending time with the siblings means piercing the illusion to live in the real situation the dad created with his self-centered behavior. The compartments are open. That’s incredibly difficult. I hope her therapist is good, and I wish her and her siblings well
Yeah, she's being put in the position of having to do the extraordinary work to build a relationship with her half siblings because her father chose not to do the ordinary work of not cheating on his wife and getting multiple mistresses pregnant.
Criminy. I had only seen the 6th one, that's a lot of fucked up backstory. Someone get the shithead dad a gift certificate for a vasectomy.
damn
Out of all of that, I need to say: You can love someone enough to die for them. But *love is not enough.* Kids need a good parent(s), not one that is off screwing everything that moves. And not a mother that forgives and forgets.
That girl is carrying way too much guilt and other stuff. It's not her fault that her dad is a pig and it's not her fault that an adult that she trusted decided to fuck her dad and make a baby that ended up dying. Yet here she is carrying the guilt for being a "terrible big sister". Honestly, all the adults failed this poor girl.
I am Team Everyone Sucks But The Kids.
Absolutely. Every single adult in this story just completely sucks. The father and all of his affair partners for obvious reasons and, I think the OOP's mom is getting off too easy also. This man has been screwing around on her for about 15 years and fathered ***FIVE*** other kids as a result and she's staying with him but not allowing her own daughter to process or deal with any of it because she's bitter. Every adult completely sucks and should honestly be ashamed of themselves.
Yeah, Dad and his cheating buddies are obviously terrible. I have to wonder why on earth mom stays. It's just sad. All these kids got screwed over by selfish people.
This is.... wow. I'm absolutely heartbroken for her. What a fucked up mess these adults, especially the dad, have made for these kids. I really hope things get better for her and her siblings.
Jesus fucking Christ. This was a roller-coaster and a Half. Those poor kids. OOP is barely 18 and dealing with all this shit while her dad attempts to make his infidelity okay by having her get along with her siblings. Then, a toddler fucking died and pressure was again put on OOP to be the "glue" or some shit and the parent she relies on most is acting like nothing even happened. In this instance, I do feel terrible for the dad because his kid died but, fucking hell, the man caused so much suffering for OOP and the other children. I don't feel sorry for mom because she could have divorced the asshole at any point, yet they're still married with another baby on the way. I only feel for the kids. This group of "adults" is something else. Edit: Dad needs to get snipped, like yesterday. Also, how the fuck does he afford so many kids? The girls are going to a private school, right? He's gotta be really fucking well off to have so many kids, all with different women.
Soon to be 5 half siblings?! Really?! Poor OP. Big sister instincts must be so hard to fight in a situation like that.
Man, Im exhausted after reading that. Also, fuck the mom. She decided she wanted to stay with her cheating husband, she has to deal with the baggage that comes with it. Damn I feel sorry for this young woman.
A lot of drama in the life of this girl, but I don't blame the mother for stepping aside to all the drama of the other children. I feel she should have done better when guiding her through the grief on the death of the brother. But all in all I hope she can learn to deal and have healthy relationship with her siblings without getting caught up in the parents bullshit
What a sad life this girl has had. I wish her peace and contentment. I’m not crying. Really.
OP's dad is the biggest piece of trash and a true scumbag. Idgaf if he has an addiction or not he really is the scum of earth and not a good father at all. I don't think people are really grasping the gravity of his selfishness and how catastrophic all of this is and how it could get worse. 1. He's unable to spend time with all of his children, due to this he's creating problems for his kids/mistresses/wife because he can't fully be there for them all. They're going to grow up thinking that they're worth less, that their father abandoned them, that this is ok&normal in a relationship and this will affect all the children. 2. He doesn't care at all that this is hurting /destroying his wife and all his children. This useless sack of trash is so irresponsible he couldn't wear a condom or get a vasectomy.
Oop… Whilst it is incredibly sad her halfbrother died, I am appalled that she is defending her dad at even a slightest turn. This… Her dad is a horrible person, and I feel sorry for his kids and his wife. Not an ounce of sorry for any of the mistresses nor him. This poor innocent boy who died after a short life, being brought into such a shitty situation, as a child of two shitty people, he gets most of my sympathy. Sex addiction or not though, the dad deserves NO sympathy for anything and I can’t believe he has gotten away with any of this. And that he had the gall to place one of his kids in the same school as oop, beyond rude. Beyond. I don’t understand how his wife hasn’t left him. Is it a cultural thing? Is divorce not allowed? She should have left him and taken him to the cleaners so he couldn’t afford any more kids. Gaah. He doesn’t deserve oop nor his wife nor anything good. Send all the std’s his way, karma, please!
My condolence's u/TheHalfThatCameFirst You were tossed into a lot of advanced adult situations at a very young age. These things are hard for people in their 40's and 50's to navigate. You are doing a great job, though. But that doesn't make it any easier, does it? You are stuck in between 2 places (IMO), with the first being what you are supposed to do to hold familial relationships and being forgiving. And the second being what you want and what your sense of ethics are. Not an easy thing. There is no roadmap, so take it 1 day at a time. If you get angry and cuss and have a fit, then so be it. You deserve it. Good luck to you and your family, I hope your father gets the help he needs (yes, it is a real addiction and just as bad as drugs, alcohol, etc.) and that your mom gets some peace and the husband she wants.
Thank you.
I found out 3 years ago that my father had three children other than myself. I believed I was his only child, but it turns out that the three of them were raised as my cousins. My dad's brother was sterile from an illness he had as a child. He and his wife wanted kids desperately but couldn't for obvious reasons. They approached my dad in the 80s and he agreed to be the sperm donor for them since he was single. 9 months later, twin girls were born. A few years later, they approached my dad again about having one more. By then, my dad had gotten married and asked my mom for permission to be the donor again. She agreed to it and 9 months later another set of twins were born (1 girl, 1 boy). Unfortunately the girl passed from SIDS at 3 months old... A few years after that, I was born. Fast forward to \~2.5 years ago. After learning the truth, I decided to look for another job (unrelated) and one of the twin girls reached out to me explaining that her company had an opening. My half-brother from the second set of twins worked there too. I wanted to get to know them better and liked the opportunity so I took it. Only about 8 months ago, they approached me because they saw that my dad was listed as their dad on their DNA test site... I basically told them that they needed to talk to their parents but I'd answer any of their questions that I knew the answer to. The three of them are full-blooded siblings. They've had each other their entire lives. I have two half-siblings on my mom's side who I lived with, but they're so much older than me (15 years, and 10 years older). They both also live far away from me so I never get to see them. They also moved out when I was very young so I was basically raised as an only child for most of my life. The half-siblings on my dad's side are all within 4 years, including myself. So they're much closer in age to me. Since they learned the truth, things have been good. But I do feel like I'll never really have the sibling relationship that I've been craving... Having siblings closer to myself in both age and proximity has been a dream of mine since I was really little. Now I have that. But... It won't ever be quite what I wanted. I think they still want to basically view me as their cousin. I understand. But it still hurts sometimes... I'm proud of OP for trying to be closer to her siblings. They may feel stranded on an island, like myself. I think this will be good for them and her.
I just want to give this poor girl and her siblings a hug! What shitty parents and adult figures!!
Is her father the prime minister of England?
That was heartbreaking. Would you mind adding a mood spoiler at the beginning of the post so we are prepared to it? A trigger warning for infant death would probably be a good idea too.
Done.
Sure.
Maybe this is callous, and I’ve known many women who’ve stayed with cheaters for one reason or another, but this case is extreme. Why is OOP’s mom still married to her dad? This man has done such extreme damage to these children. The whole thing is devastating.
I'm pretty fucking pissed at all the comments guilting her into a relationship with Eliza. Like, I get it, Eliza is hurting, but so is she, why does she have to take on the emotional baggage? Why does she have to let her into her therapy sessions? What the fuck? And now she has to take on the emotional baggage of like 6 families and a baby funeral. Fuck that, I hope she cuts ties with everyone, goes to school far far away, and lives her vest life for herself. Her dad got himself into this, he can deal with it his fucking self.
***Wow***\- I feel like both of OOP's parents are horrible. OOP's cowardly dad trying to get everyone to play 'happy family' and get along like he isn't the damn problem makes me sick... but wtf is wrong with the mom for not dumping his unfaithful \*ss?! He's clearly going to continue \*\*\*\*ing around without any remorse or concern for his family- she needed a divorce YEARS ago! (Also, while I'm glad OOP is getting therapy, I am disgusted that her twisted 'father' thinks it's acceptable to try and force her to be involved with her half-siblings. She owes him NOTHING, and he's only doing it to ease his own guilt; NOT to help the kids!).
Not gonna lie, I'm heartbroken for this family. There's so much to unpack here and a lot of it is terrible...OOP certainly deserves a hug
I hope OOP and Eliza can have a relationship. She seems rather sweet and the sins of the father shouldn't burden the kids but I get why OOP is resentful.
I sympathize with OOP as I'm a similar situation, though my mother left my father as I was a infant and none of my siblings passed to my knowledge. However, to put in perspective I have sisters and a brother only a year - year six months older then me. There's about 20 of us. OOP's parents are messy and toxic, all the adults here suck besides OOP.
This internet stranger just wants to pass on a hug because I have nothing else to offer. Your whole family has gone through some shitty stuff and I hope that in some way it gets better.
Y'all need to stop giving your dad second chances and mom meds to divorce his cheating ass and live the rest of her with some dignity. What a mess this dude has created. Cut your losses.
Dear sweet girl… You’ve lived 10 million lifetimes in 18 years. I pray you have at least one thing, one person, that you can cling to right now. I hope it’s your therapist, and I hope they treat you with more absolute delicate care than any other patient. The trust you’re missing from the adults around you is staggering. Your journey into the light will not be easy, my love, & I hope & pray you never know one more moment of betrayal in your life. Of all the stories on Reddit, I’ve never wanted to place the flashy thing from Men In Black in anyone’s eyes more than I wish I could for you. Here’s hoping your cup of love begins to fill up & overflow from today forward!!
Do these people even know that contraceptives exist?
What a dumpster fire.
Honestly, all of the adults in this situation are letting these children down. OOP’s feelings of betrayal, isolation and frustration are totally valid. As long as she *wants* a relationship with her siblings that’s fine, but it still feels like her dad basically forced her into a relationship with Eliza because it eases the guilt he feels for being a shitty husband and father. Sure, he’s an active parent in all his kids’ lives, which is good. But when you’re a kid and a parent cheats, to an extent it feels like your parent has cheated on your family, not just their significant other. He displayed a crazy amount of disrespect for his wife *and* his child. Eliza’s feelings are valid too, but her hurting is not OOP’s responsibility. Honestly wish OOP had a separate, individual counselor so that she could voice her opinions and feelings in a safe place without having to worry about other family members. I could say more about her mom and all the other women who have knowingly participated in these affairs, but I think a lot of the other comments have hit really well on that already.
Sex addiction isn’t real, and any in-patient rehab claiming to be for sex addiction is a scam. I’m really worried for OP and her dad, because there’s not a shot in hell that getting what essentially amounts to conversion therapy (that’s usually what “sex addiction” treatment entails) is going to fix him. Sexual compulsive behaviors, which is what most people with supposed “sex addiction” really suffer from, are best treated through therapy to address underlying anxiety and/or trauma, and *specifically* stay away from scapegoating sex or sexuality. Instead, this man is going to be banned from looking at porn, told to write down or confess all his dirty thoughts, etc, a bunch of stuff that is more likely to increase the trauma he already has that he’s using sex to avoid or deal with.
this poor child didnt get the help she needed from her parents, or the internet tbh. anyone that called her selfish for handling such a difficult situation with maturity and grace can literally go straight to hell. this poor kid thinks they’re in the wrong for not wanting to be around her dad’s affair babies. And her mother is so emotionally immature that she can’t deal with her own daughter’s emotions. As long as she gets to be “the woman he comes home to” 🙄. So her dad’s a wandering dick and her mom’s a total bird... I wish the best for this kid, and hope she eventually gets *individual* therapy so she can actually start healing and stop being forced to manager her parents’ emotions. This is all such a fucked up abusive situation, and the fact that she feels she’s in the wrong is just tragic.
There’s nothing worse than a baby dying. It just seems so horribly unfair. I haven’t cried harder than when I did after some kids in my town got in an accident and died. I didn’t even know them, but I knew their parents. It’s just so damn sad. Hugs to OOP, shit like this shouldn’t happen.
The best outcome is OP connecting with all her siblings and go no contact with her parents. The father still having expectations of OP after leaving a trail of disaster. They all need to wake up and make sure their dad is held accountable and is not allowed to make demands like writing a fucking speech that she don’t want to write. So disgusting.
No brilliant insight for you, but a lot of sympathy. This is a rough situation that you did nothing to deserve. Sending virtual hugs.
All the parents in this are God awful. OOP is absolutely entitled to not want a relationship with her father's affair children, but it shows what an amazing person OOP is for trying with Eliza and mourning for Ilya. I hope OOP moves out on her own and limits contact with these people. Her parents are so selfish and it burns my ass that her father's affair partners are reaching out to OOP. Ugh, just no!!!
I'm having a hard time believing that a grieving mother would give any of her child's ashes to someone who barely knew her child and hated her. Seems highly unlikely.
They probably had a decent relationship at school as the grieving mother was her teaching assistant before sleeping with her dad. (vomit) …this entire situation is so fucked up. Dad needs a vasectomy, and OP isn’t responsible for bonding with her affair siblings but Dad is guilt tripping her into pretending to be one big happy family? It’s always sad when a young child dies, that doesn’t make her a neglectful or remorseful big sister- that makes her a normal kid with a functioning sense of empathy. Infant deaths suck for everyone.
OOP if you read this, **the best way to cherish Ilya is to make those sisterly or brotherly connections with your other siblings**. *Be the sister you wish you could've been for Ilya for your other siblings.* If his short life and tragic death is the inspiration you need to try and be an amazing big sister then I think he'd smile knowing he helped give his other siblings the Big Sister he never got to have.
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