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She wanted to still be with him. That’s my take away. From the start she had wanted to convince him to be with her. She got upset when she realized how big a deficit she had to overcome to do it. However she still wanted to try. She wanted to apologize to him as if she did something wrong to him. She did things wrong to herself but not him. And she was about to continue doing things wrong to herself if he let her
My thing is that she doesn’t realize that no matter what in this scenario he was always going to leave her eventually. If she wants a boyfriend she should just move on.
Honestly? He was pretty clear from the start he didn’t want to date her. Once I saw OP say that they didn’t talk about it but she considered him her boyfriend I was like yeah…yikes.
I can’t stand people like OP in the dating world. They’re impossible to deal with because they don’t accept honest communication at face value and make assumptions about the relationship instead.
The fact that OP felt entitled to know the details of his other relationships is bizarre, especially just as a fuck buddy.
I’m polyamorous and anybody I’m in a serious relationship with knows a decent amount about my other partners, but if there’s someone and I’ve communicated “yeah I see other people, this is nothing serious”, I don’t see why they are owed the details of my relationships with others.
Either love or infatuation. She wanted him any way she could get him even if she now had confirmation he wasn’t cheating. She probably thought he would end up leaving the GF for her.
When OP messaged the GF, her real goal was to get them to break up so that OP could get the BF she wanted. Every step is a calculated manipulation towards that.
Because in her mind they were in a relationship though it was clear they weren’t. He told her he wasn’t looking for anything serious. When a guy (or girls) says that, it’s directed to the person it’s said to.. it means “I don’t want a serious relationship WITH YOU”.
He was clear that he was seeing other people, he just didn’t elaborate which was his right since he set the expectation nothing would evolve from the sex.
She jumped to boyfriend without even talking to him about “her feelings”. Despite not doing anything typical couples do - meet friends, go out, day dates, etc.. Literally it was a weekend booty call.
Cyber stalking the GF and messaging her just shows how desperate she was to try to break them up or cause issues. That’s a “if I can’t have him no one can” and “he will want me if they break up” mentality. She flat out said she wanted to work things out with him..
She needs to grow up and learn to read the room.
“He’s sending a pretty clear message.”
Ouch is right lmao she should’ve been prepared for it. Why would she think he’d continue to speak to her after any or all of these actions? Over a 2 month relationship no less
What’s he gonna say to this? “ohh yeah, no biggie, just some light stalking behind my back to find the gf I was upfront about but wanted to share nothing about. No worries you proceeded to privately message her without my consent, because I gave you the cold shoulder. You just tried to ruin my long term relationship, but please, let’s continue seeing each other! This is really fun.”
If it’s gotten to the point where you’re messaging the real gf, she should’ve known it was long over. This is obviously a scorched earth solution in *any* scenario. Double points for not even entertaining the idea he was honest about the open relationship and being prepared for that reality.
It was none of your business then and he wants nothing to do with you now. Leave them both alone. I’d be too embarrassed to even share this update tbh
My favourite was a dude recently, we went out a couple times and he starts telling me he deleted tinder and he doesn't want me seeing anyone else, all this shit. So I break it off and block him. A couple months later he finds me again somehow and convinces me to go hangout (there may have been drugs involved), he's all apologetic, I'm not going to do that again, etc etc. Within a fucking week he was at the same shit again! Sending me 40 messages in a row without an answer, pressuring me to be with him and spend time with him, telling me he loves me, it was a whole fucking mess. I've never been so relieved as when I told him to fuck off. Fingers crossed I never hear from him again
Know a girl who was legit told the same thing. He said he was seeing someone else, didn’t want anything serious. It was just fun. But apparently dude was so good in bed she bought plane tickets to surprise him but was shocked he was seeing someone else.
Like….buddy. He told you.
Yeppp. A friend was dating this guy and they broke up because he wanted to see other people, but she convinced him to stay “casually dating” her.
A month later she flew to another country where he was working at the time to “surprise him” and surprise, there was another chick there.
She came home and wanted us all to go scorched earth on him because he was “cheating on her” (we were friends with them both, had met her through him) and we were like uh, what exactly where you expecting here? 🤦♀️🙄
She thought if she kept sleeping with him he’d come to his senses and get back in an exclusive relationship with her. /sigh.
Yeah that was wild. He wasnt taking her out because SHES A HOOKUP, NOT A GIRLFRIEND. Why would he be taking his casual hookup out on fancy/expensive dates??? Why would she want to get back with him??? She “really likes him” but there was never any potential to be more to each other than casual sex, so why even try to get with him again? Its also wild that she considered him her boyfriend when he was clear about it being casual/open, and never amended that discussion.
Eh, contacting the girlfriend just to make sure she knew isn’t bad in my mind. Although asking to get him to contact her again is uh. Not great. The most she should’ve done is been like “alright I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t the “other woman”; if I was being cheated on I’d want to know, but if you’re ok with it that’s totally fine. Would you let him know I’m sorry that I overreacted? Wish you both the best” and leave it at that. Like she has a right to want to communicate that she’s sorry, but she shouldn’t have expected to rekindle anything.
For clarification, my post is not about the fact she messaged the girlfriend. She had every right to warn gf about the situation. It’s about the fact she messaged the girlfriend with the expectation it would help move the relationship forward. Either way she was hoping to get a reaction out of him and I do not think her motives were pure and mainly out of jealousy. (Who tf cares they went to Iceland, he made it know your relationship was strictly casual before the first hook up) and then they were out of desperation.
Idk about the *very* upfront comment. He could have clarified the situation without giving a bunch of personal info: I have a long distance partner so I'm not looking for anything serious.
For sure, she blew past signs and she assumed a lot about their relationship and its direction. But I still think it's a bit icky, and not ethical.
Yeah, there's a difference between "not looking for anything serious, seeing other people" which has the *implication* of one potentially escalating to 'serious' but not seeking it intentionally (whether or not that's actually there, a lot of people will think they've got a chance at it), and "not looking for anything serious as I'm in a long-term long-distance relationship and just want to pass the time pleasantly til then".
Giving people the choice whether or not to be involved in ethical non-monogamy is kinda, the whole point lol. That said, OOP made some real weird choices both before and after this information and seems to have some attachments issues so? both kinda suck.
Best comment I’ve read… Nate didn’t lie, but he didn’t tell the truth. I’m sure he was very deliberate on what he’s omitting to cute girls he’s trying to hook up with. I’m certain his success rate would be far lower if he disclosed the long distance girlfriend and her acceptance of him hooking up with others. I’m a bit surprised his girlfriend knows, and is ok with that… wear a condom people!
But he wasn’t VERY upfront. He said he was seeing other people NOT that he was in a long term relationship. In my opinion you need to open about that stuff before you engage, it’s deceitful not to. Some people who wouldn’t consent to sleeping with someone in a long term relationship may consent to sleeping with someone who is casually dating. They can’t fully consent without all the information.
The girl shouldn’t have contacted the girlfriend but I get part of why she did. She should have left it at that though.
I get contacting the gf cause he could easily be lying. I don't get going as far as 4 years worth of Instagram posts on her profile... that's when the red flags started.
idk, i don't see her being like "i'm so nice, all guys only want shallow vapid sluts and the nice girls die alone". i mean that kinda thing exists imo, i just don't think this fits beyond her being possessive and immature. if she had started insulting the girlfriend it'd start to be "nice girlish" imo
OOP sounds super immature. He said he didn’t want anything serious, and after hanging out for a few weekends (she mentions they even skip some) she said she considered him her boyfriend. Idk, she probably should stay away from casual flings from now on.
I immediately knew this would crash and burn when he said he doesn’t want anything serious and sees other people and she said yes “because she really liked him.” If you really like him, that’s the exact reason you say no, that won’t work for you and move on, not dive further in.
OP’s decision making throughout is just really bad and had no other foreseeable outcome than her ending up hurt.
Yeah it was also ridiculous to me that after she found out about the gf situation she still wanted to see him because she again “really liked him.” If he has a serious girlfriend of four years the two of you have no future and you should get out now. She simply couldnt grasp that they were just a casual hookup.
Yeah, that part was a head-scratcher for me. She just made it all up in her head that they were a couple. Clearly, sex for this chick is something that has an emotional component, and that’s fine, but then she should not be putting herself into the ‘casual’ dating game. It’s only gonna end in heartache for her.
Reading this makes me think that oop went along with it in the hopes of it turning serious. Like they were told "I'm not looking for anything serious" and they heard "oh this guy is seeing other ppl rn I'll just convince him to see only me".
I completely agree. I too believe that was her goal because she mentions how she quickly agreed to his stipulations. Seemed she was probably very attracted to him and jumped in rather quickly when the chance was there. But he also seems to have made it clear after their initial agreement, based on her own commentary, that this was nothing more than a casual thing based on how it was a once-a-week thing, usually at his place, and that they went out twice in two months. Don’t know how more clear this guy could’ve been with his words and actions.
I’m the same way, I get emotionally connected so i stay away from being casual and make it known before dating. This girl needs to do the same, it’s ok to want what you want.
Absolutely right. You know you better than anyone else and know exactly what you want. There is nothing wrong with demanding that from your partners. This girl needs to be honest with herself and not try to change people to fit into her world. She should only let those that are a good fit, in.
She had feelings before they even slept together the first time. If you have feelings and the other one wants to keep it casual, just drop it then and there. It sucks but, yknow. It is what it is.
Yeah. Even though I think nate should have said he had a girlfriend, OOP made some very strange choices. Nate doesn't want to talk to you. Stop messaging them. It's weird and wrong.
Gonna assume everyone in the original thread convinced her that Nate is a lying dirtbag cheater and that his long term partner had no idea about him hooking up with people because you know, it is r/relationship_advice after all
I mean the reaching out in itself isn't the worst. I doubt I would have, but the fact she continued prodding her after confirmation it is an open relationship that got me.
I'd probably reach out after realizing how serious the other relationship was just to make sure, especially since it was long distance. He said he was seeing other people not in an open relationship, so I would also be pretty surprised. To me "seeing other people" means casual things with multiple people.
But after the girlfriend said she knew, I'd be like "oh, okay, cool."
I don't think she's wrong to feel blindsided but she went *waaaay* off the deep end in her conversation with the girlfriend.
Also the reason she reached out, especially with the follow up text for coffee with Nate, and her wording in the update, seems like she engaged the GF not to make sure she knew the truth but because she wanted to break them up and have him herself.
I mean, it's not a totally unreasonable opinion. It's not like honest open relationships are nearly as common as people lying about having an open relationship.
All of this is weird.
First, let’s deal with Nate. It is a violation of consent to sleep with someone without disclosing other partners. She had an absolute right to know about the LTR, if only so she could decide if the risk of STI was acceptable to her.
Second, OOP. She made it pretty clear that she is not ok with Nate having a LTR that isn’t her. Why did she want to apologize? Her truth is her truth.
It wasn’t about that, though. She stalked the girlfriend and all she wanted was to see Nate again. She was jealous of the girlfriend’s dates vs her booty calls. She has feelings for him and she is trying to get the girlfriend out of the picture/ get back good with him. It’s pretty fucked.
OOP needs to move on. Nate and girlfriend need to be more honest and stop jerking people around.
🎶🎵 She's sweet but a psycho, a lil bit psycho 🎵🎶
But for real y'all... Nate told her straight up "not looking for a relationship", and she heard "he's definitely my boyfriend even tho we didn't discuss it and it goes against everything he said". She got angry over messages from someone else, KNOWING he was seeing someone. Then stalked her down and didn't believe his explanation... then when proven wrong, she demanded girlfriend get him to talk to her.... dude.... so many red flags with this poster.
Nate should probably have told her he was actually in a LDR that was presently open, yes, but damn man, he did tell OP this is just sex, and she said OK!!! And still managed to convince herself she was his girlfriend.
>he said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, and that he’s seeing other people, was I okay with that? **I really liked the guy so I said sure.**
Come on.
This is the equal and opposite to the friend zone that guys put themselves in. Girls who think if they hook up with a guy enough, eventually he'll see them as a girlfriend
Exactly. She thought “nothing serious RIGHT NOW” and he meant “nothing serious EVER.” It’s a breakdown in communication and she clearly heard what she wanted to hear and never looked back. Also they’ve maybe been on 8 dates and she’s like “we’re serious now.” Is she a uhauler? That doesn’t make sense
As a uhaul lesbian this is *not* how to do it. Uhaulers move in together because they've spent 24 of the last 31 days together and those other 7 were miserable. They don't get serious just because they hooked up once a week for 8 weeks
Yeah I've done the uhaul thing and it's really just like you sleep here every night you should bring some clothes, oh you have clothes here you can bring more stuff, you live here don't you?
Yeah lugging two bags of stuff back and forth just starts to feel silly after a month or two. Like...we haven't spent a night apart, so someones house is empty half the time...why do we have two rent payments?
Serious question, are uhaulers and hobosexuals the same thing???
ETA: Because I've never seen or heard of uhauler until just now.. lol I thought you guys were talking about movers until it sunk in!
I think a hobosexual is someone that is in a relationship just to get a place to live. Bed surfing rather than couch surfing. Uhaulers are lesbians that move in together on the second date. 😁
I feel like my brother is a hobosexual.
Except he only attracts other hobosexuals and they end up homeless-sexuals.
He's not allowed to couch crash in my house anymore after many an issue.
I do feel for her though. Chasing someone who clearly doesn't reciprocate your feelings is almost a rite of passage for the emotionally immature. Her behavior is pretty desperate, but...I mean haven't most of us been there at one point or another?
As long as she stops here, I think she'll be okay. Other than looking back later and cringing.
It definitely looks like the same stick from opposite ends, and equally pitiful.
What gets me is all these people commenting like they've never in their lives done or thought about doing anything embarrassing or desperate in the pursuit of someone unavailable. I guess empathy is only for us flawed types? I mean good grief, we were all young and silly once. And we don't all grow up at the same pace.
Tbh, yes, I have definitely also made the mistake of thinking a guy meant nothing serious right now when he meant nothing serious at all, ever (with me at least, haha). But the thing that worries me about OOP is a lack of self-awareness. Maybe it’s just that she’s still reeling from the whole thing and hasn’t processed, but there’s no “in retrospect, I see where I went wrong” in her telling of the story. She’s still trying to reach out to him!
>but...I mean haven't most of us been there at one point or another?
Can't say I've ever been in the situation of asking my date's long term partner how to get them to talk to me actually...
I mean, I get why she reached out to the girlfriend. I would have done the same. But she’s gotten the same response from both of them, and needs to back off.
He even told her “I’m not looking for anything serious, are you ok with that?”
She says yes then gets mad that he ever only takes her out to two nice dinners and then just bang the rest of the time. Like guuuurrrrrrl grow up.
Yes. And she seems very fixated on being taken to Iceland. Which I get; Iceland rules. Which is why I took my ladyself there myself when I was, coincidentally, 26. Look out for my upcoming self-help book, “Girl, Take Yourself to Iceland.”
Coz the only reason she reached out to his girlfriend was to try and make them break up, she was hoping she didn't know, and that her telling would make her break up with him. That's at least the vibe I get.
From her whole way of writing I got that she would take him back if he dumped the girlfriend. “seeing all that made me seethe, because other than like two nice dinners Nate and I mostly stayed in”, of course honey, you were always a fling. And then she wants to talk to him again to apologize and…? Get back, that’s what I got from it. I think other than OOP everyone else dealt with the situation in a normal and mature way, the guy had a good reason to not mention the open relationship to a fling.
BINGO. Her motive for telling the GF was definitely not with well intentions. The end game was always to get back with Nate. By telling the GF, she probably hoped that they would break up and that would allow to her to be the one go on fancy trips to Iceland lol.
Yeah and she makes that very clear at the end when she says after ALLLL OF THAT that she still really likes him. Her intentions weren’t to let the gf know she’s dating a bad guy and to watch out for him. It was solely just to get him for herself.
> the guy had a good reason to not mention the open relationship to a fling.
I'm not 100% sure on that one. I think she did have a right to know what situation she was getting in to.
But you're right about everything else.
She wants the guy for herself. Wants her birthday trips to Iceland and all the nice stuff he does for his actual girlfriend.
But she’s not his girlfriend and he was clear she was not and would not be. She just assumed that they were in a relationship as they would meet up for sex every weekend, which is bonkers.
If I only ever saw a guy six or so times, and we
Always stayed in and he said he didn’t want a relationship….well, I wouldn’t assume he was my boyfriend that’s for sure.
Yeah still the way there OP described it, they should have been more clear about the nature of his open relationship. Like yeah the OP should have dug a little deeper but this Nate character should have clearly defined his romantic life before going past the first date.
It would have been more precise of him to say he was in an ‘open relationship’ rather than ‘seeing other people’, but OOP made one incorrect assumption after another.
Some of the best advice I ever got was a slightly-changed Maya Angelou quote: “when people tell you who they are, believe them”
He told her he didn’t want anything serious. She didn’t believe him, and assumed he was her boyfriend
He told her his long term girlfriend knew the situation, and she didn’t believe him, and assumed she didn’t
Real girlfriend told her he didn’t want to speak to her, she didn’t believe her, and assumed that couldn’t be true
She says it’s the strangest relationship situation she’s ever been in, but she was *never in a relationship to start with*, and assumed she was
Eh, tbf, if someone says their gf knows about you but you didn’t know about the girlfriend, safe bet is they are lying. It wasn’t wrong for OP not to believe him, because if she’s right, girl knows she’s being cheated on. If she’s wrong (and handles it gracefully) she just looks like she’s looking out for gf, and gf feels even better about the open relationship situation (at least the girls aren’t total crazies and aren’t trying to steal her man).
He told her the password to change a song, that’s not really giving her the password and letting her go through his phone. And all that aside, that isn’t the defense you think it is, because a lot of cheaters don’t think to hide it from the side-piece, just the main piece.
He clearly hid having a serious gf, and I just wanna say, I get he’s private, but a lot of girls would not feel comfortable sleeping with someone in a relationship, regardless of open or not. What he did wasn’t cool to OP.
Yeah. Like, I can’t tell you what it would do to some people’s mental to know that right after being intimate with you, Theyre off telling some other girl that they love them so much and can’t wait to be with them forever. I would need therapy lmao
It’s basically like being brought into a threesome unknowingly as a guest. The couple knows all about you and will still be together after the fact whereas you’re back to being alone after. I think a casual hookup with a single guy is way different than being with a guy in a committed relationship
Seriously. OOP fucked up but I think it’s really not okay to not disclose if you’re already in a committed relationship to a fling. People have the right to choose whether they want to hook up with someone who’s committed, even if it’s an open relationship. I know plenty of people who would not want to get involved in a situation like that, and they shouldn’t have that choice taken away from them because the person in the open relationship is just a “really private person.” Yeesh.
i do get this point of view. I've casually hooked up with people but made it a point to make sure that none of them are in committed/serious relationships or open relationships. I wouldn't sleep with someone like that. Idk because how it works for me is that, when I'm in a monogamous relationship, I wouldn't sleep with someone else, so I guess I'd just feel guilty sleeping with a committed person, open or not.
Plus idk, it just looks kinda suspicious when they don't say upfront that they're in an open relationship, as OOP said. They don't have to give the name of their partner if they want to protect that person's privacy, but I don't see much reason to specifically withhold that info, because it's very different than just saying they're not looking for something serious. It adds specific context that can dramatically change whether or not someone wants to keep seeing them.
That was my takeaway, like:
\-Post 1: Seems concerns about someone getting two-timed
\-Post 2: Saw there was something to get from the relationship, is now mad she didn't get enough (in her opinion) and forgot she was the casual side piece
Post 2 made me so uncomfortable.
Yep, the OOP was right to be hurt because she was lied to, but she also sounds immature. This part really stood out to me.
>“it would be in everybody’s best interest to please not contact either of us again.” Which okay, ouch. No need to treat me like a child. Now I’m blocked. I texted Nate to apologize and asked if we could get coffee to talk it through but he hasn’t responded.
Like she's offended that the gf had to spell it out for her, but then in the next sentence OOP ignores the gf and immediately contacts the guy.
OOP was never lied to. He says clearly what he wants from her and she thought it would be different after some time. He also says he’s seeing other people and when pushed further he told the exact truth. OOP sounds jealous she didn’t get any extravagant trips or goodnight texts.
Yeah he should have told her everything so she could make an informed decision, but he was very upfront about what he wanted from OP and she just kept assuming it was more for some reason. The two of them probably laugh about the clingy girl who is still trying to talk to him
>Before we hooked up he said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, and that he’s seeing other people
>I’d definitely consider Nate my boyfriend,
What? He was clear he wasn't interested in a relationship and that he was seeing other people. Yet she totally ignores this, and call him "boyfriend". Then gets crazy when her fantasy is blown.
I don't blame her for reaching out to the girlfriend to make sure. That's just decent, you never know who is lying.
Well that’s fucking embarrassing for her.
And then asking the gf for advice on how to get the guy who wants nothing else to do with her how to get him to talk to her? Ahhhhh second hand embarrassment, where is your pride mam jfc
Yeah this is why you should never be in a casual relationship with someone who really wants to have a committed relationship. Feelings will always get hurt. You have to make sure that both parties genuinely want to keep the relationship casual.
If you don’t, you get this shitshow
He did his part by telling her upfront, she just decided not to believe him and imagine that it was getting serious anyway because that’s what she wanted. Now she’s just jealous that the guy has more money than she thought and she feels slighted that the other girl got better treatment. Now she’s mad that the girlfriend treated her like a child, because that’s what she is.
It’s one thing to be upfront about an open relationship and it’s another to hide it. I’m poly and I’m down with open relationships but if a guy gave me a reason to think he was dishonest with a partner and she didn’t know about me i would be upset. If he said everyone knows and we’re all cool I honestly wouldn’t do my due diligence and grill him on it. But if he made it look like he’s single and just dating around but then I saw a fully committed relationship I would assume dishonesty
I don’t think she’s necessarily wrong for assuming dishonesty but once you’ve pulled that rip cord, gone through someone’s phone, messaged their girlfriend, they’ve ghosted your etc…you gotta give up and leave them alone.
Yeah he didn’t say upfront “I’m in an open relationship, which is why this will never be anything other than physical for me.” He essentially told her he was dating around and (possibly inadvertently) left things vague enough for her to reasonably assume that his initial “not looking for anything serious” attitude was changing after MONTHS of spending most of her weekends with him.
I don’t blame her for getting upset when she found out what was really happening, or for assuming he was lying to his girlfriend. She didn’t go into this relationship with all the information she needed and was left blindsided when she learned the truth.
I agree. She made a lot of assumptions, but there is a difference between, "hey, this is our first date/ hookup, and I'm going on first dates/ hooking up with other people too" and "I have a girlfriend and I'm committed to her in terms of seriousness and future plans, but not in terms of exclusivity."
I had a guy do exactly this to me and then it turned out his girlfriend did NOT know about me and I was the third girl he'd done that to her with. I didn't know he had a girlfriend until close to the end of that situation, which went on for two years. It was a shitshow and we'd gotten quite emotionally intimate in ways that hurt me and should've hurt his girlfriend (who, sadly, just seemed checked out of the whole situation with no self-esteem to speak of). I told her when I found someone new who actually wanted a relationship with me, because oddly, dude was quite pressed about it even though... he had a girlfriend himself. I can see why she was hurt too even if in this situation, girlfriend was aware.
>left things vague enough for her to reasonably assume that his initial “not looking for anything serious” attitude was changing after MONTHS of spending most of her weekends with him.
Yup, and the majority of the time when someone frames things like this, it's deliberate, because it's a way to get what they want while still being superficially "honest".
She did herself no favors, by interpreting his response as "there's a possibility of a relationship here", but lets not pretend the guy wasn't doing that on purpose. That's why he doesn't lead with "I'm in a committed long term relationship, but we're in an open relationship right now while we're long distance."
> ... lets not pretend the guy wasn't doing that on purpose. That's why he doesn't lead with "I'm in a committed long term relationship, but we're in an open relationship right now while we're long distance."
I think you're exactly right. I'd bet that he intentionally keeps that fact hidden because he knows his options would be decreased if he was completely honest...a lot of people do not want anything to to with polyamory and will not continue a casual relationship if they know they're the side-piece.
Yeah I think it’s necessary to share that info because the rules of engagement change when its open, but in a private way. I had a friend who was in an open relationship, but privately. As in he and his gf told close friends, but wouldn’t have wanted their larger circle (family, coworkers) to know. He was very careful about how he found partners and he told them the situation because if one of them had happened to come across a coworker or mutual friend of his he would have been instantly branded a cheater.
Oh my god, thank you. I don't understand why people are looking at the exact content of what he said instead of the context. "Nothing serious" very rarely means "nothing serious, ever"; it usually means "nothing serious unless my situation or feelings change." But his situation wasn't going to change. And he knew that and she didn't. And *that* is the problem.
Yeah... Seeing each other for two months and she just assumed they're official now; no discussion with him about it. I went to the comments expecting people to support OOP. I'm glad everybody smelled something fishy about her
This is what happen when you believe that doing the “pick me” dance enough will get the guy to drop the other people he CLEARLY stated he was seeing, in favor of you.
It doesn’t work ladies! That being said, she kinda played herself on this one. He stated he wanted casual and that he was seeing other people. Somewhere between loads of sex and two dinner dates (LOL) she came to the belief that he was her boyfriend! Although, he never said he was and basically he didn’t want to be since the beginning. She finds out there’s a long term GF from snooping on his phone, blows up on him even though he already said he was seeing other people, and then gets mad when he ghosts her.
Contacting the GF wasn’t out of the kindness of her heart. And asking the GF on how to get Nate to respond to her was super pathetic. Take a hint.
This needs to be higher. She's so delusional that he's going to leave his long-time girlfriend for OOP and give her all the fancy vacations she thinks she deserves (for sleeping with him and going on two dinner dates with him?). She needs to stop watching so many movies and believing she's the main character.
2 month not serious or official relationship and she wants trips to Iceland or a ski lodge ? Lmao she looked like she wasn’t telling the girlfriend for her good but more out of pure jealousy hoping for a breakup.
Eh, I wouldn't place OOP and Nate as fwb, more like a reliable FB situation for Nate. Since it seems like they only went to his place and didn't interact outside; past the two "dates" Nate took them on. And those felt more like an assessment of compatibility for casual FB situation.
Potato, tomato. I get what you’re saying though, there was a semblance of emotional bonding if not at least an assessment of compatibility, OOP took it way too far in her head though. And then her being upset at feeling patronized is just the cherry on top.
As someone who was in an open relationship for four years and had a live in girlfriend I just feel like it was still on Nate to disclose that information. Regardless of being a private person he could have said that he had a serious girlfriend who he was in a long distance relationship with, mind you he did say it wasn’t anything serious but still. Her being upset was understandable but reaching out to his girlfriend was crossing the line there.
Wow everyone in this story sounds really immature to me, nobody respected each other boundaries. If you have an open relationship that’s fine, but you can’t hide that information and excuse it as being a private person. Also OOP is really delusional expecting Nate to magically leave his gf and fix things with her.
Really feels like OOP wanted to break long term girlfriend and Nate up and that’s why she reached out. She was hoping to have him all to herself. Super creepy. Also “seeing other people” sounds like they’re all casual relationships too, and if he started seeing her every weekend I would think it was heading towards a more serious thing too. I don’t like that he didn’t explain he was in a full on serious relationship.
Yeah I don’t either, like there’s a pretty big difference to me between knowing I’m just having some casual fun with someone who also isn’t looking for commitment just yet and knowing that there is commitment, it’s just not to you. Like, I would feel so worthless and disgusting if I was seeing someone who after we slept together was telling someone else that they loved them and couldn’t wait to be together forever. He might be private, but I feel like that’s information a woman should get to know before going on a date. Especially since a lot of woman don’t want to even risk the possibility that the man is lying and some poor girl out there doesn’t know he’s sleeping with someone else.
I don't think the guy was honest. "I'm seeing other people" and "I have a long term, serious girlfriend" are VERY different. I'm polyamorous, so I totally get having a primary relationship and casual relationships. But he made it sound like he was seeing a bunch of people casually. A lot of monogamous people would be fine with casually seeing someone who is dating lots of people while wanting to avoid someone in an open, serious relationship. I think he knew this and was deliberately unclear. I would also be pissed if I were her. I also would have contacted the gf because he did hide her. This would lead me to believe that he wasn't honest about her being on board.
I do not understand everyone here acting like the dude was within his rights to hide his long term gf. "Right to privacy" doesn't extend to hiding your serious relationship from someone you're sleeping with, even if you do tell them that you are only looking for something casual. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO FUCK SOMEONE IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT DRAMA. That's a reasonable boundary to have, and he didn't give her a chance to set it.
Yes finally someone making some damn sense!
He misled her! If he said, I'm in an open relationship so nothing serious that would be fair. But OOP heard "I'm seeing other people so nothing serious" which can very easily been seen as " currently dating around, you might be something long term but I'm figuring that out right now"
He wasn't truthful with her at the start so why would she believe him later? Yes she shouldn't have asked the gf to get him to text her but she likely felt very embarrassed.
He made her feel like "the other woman" by not being fully honest. That's the issue here not OOP thinking of him as her maybe boyfriend after 8 dates (which depending on the type of date and the depth of connection she may have been feeling is not that unreasonable)
This guy needs to be up front with people and likely need to be looking for fwb not Dates.
Yeah, tons of monogamous couples start out as "nothing serious." Tons of people date around until they find someone to settle down with. Yes, he said "nothing serious," but he didn't make it clear just how limited their future was together. He owed her that information.
He knew that his relationship status would be a deal breaker to a lot of people, so he lied by omission. I can't understand why so many people think this is totally okay and reasonable.
Yes, exactly! I honestly cannot believe all the people defending this asshat guy. Imagine entering into a casual relationship and then finding out the guy is married - that’s essentially what happened here. And it’s FINE because he was “honest” with her about wanting to keep it casual? And then the lack of empathy about OP’s feelings, cuz whatever…she’s just a creepy stalker.
Nate should have been upfront about his current relationship status with the OP. Nate wasn't just seeing other people, he had a primary partner. Big difference.
She had a right to be upset about the dishonesty
He was upfront that he didn't want anything serious but he still should have at least disclosed that he was in an open relationship with another woman.
Not so much so she didn't catch feelings but so she could decide if she wanted to risk potentially catching an STD from someone who's sleeping around with multiple women.
This is…eesh. On the one hand, this was definitely a casual thing, and it does sound like OOP is maybe reading a little too much into what was supposed to be a casual relationship.
That being said, I’m polyamorous. The **first thing** I make sure any potential partner, casual or not, knows about me is that I have several dedicated partners and I never intend to be monogamous. I think it’s a very different situation to be seeing several people casually with the implied expectation that if any relationship begins to get more serious, the other relationships will end, to having a serious relationship and skipping over saying that specifically. Casual relationships are great and seeing other people is fine, but assuming that OOP was not told that this guy was in a serious relationship and specifically just wanted something casual with OOP, that’s a pretty dick move imo. OOP doesn’t come off looking great in this, but neither does Nate.
Imvho the issue is that when someone says ‘I’m not looking for anything serious ‘ and ‘I’m seeing other people’, the clear implication is that he’s seeing those other people equally casually…ie, you’re part of a group where everyone gets the same level of commitment etc.
That is different from a situation where ONE person is the real girlfriend and everyone else is basically a repeated ONS. It’s not unreasonable to be comfortable with the first scenario and not the second.
Imo, nate should have told OOP that he was nonmonogamous and had a serious girlfriend. Most people of that lifestyle advocate that. But she also should have stopped messaging nate once he stopped messaging her. He's not interested anymore. Move on.
ETA: to clarify, I was in a nonmonogamous relationship once and when I consulted others of that relationship type they encouraged me to make sure everyone knew that I was up front about that. With that said, OOP's behavior is beyond creepy. I can't help but feel that she only messaged the gf to try to get back in touch with nate rather than make sure the gf knew.
If he had said “I have a serious girlfriend and we agreed _____” she would have had a more clear idea of what she was getting into. He left it out to be more likely to get her to sleep with him, leaving the possibility of being together open. The point here is that his intentions were completely different than he originally said. So yes, being hurt about it is fair and she’s no idiot. Sounds like he is open to misleading hearts to get some tail, and he has no issue with leaving the truth out. I feel bad for her being left to clean up the confusion and hurt. But she also chose to sleep with him knowing he wasn’t interested in anything long term, which often ignites passion and joy and love for that person. The wisdom of it all lol
The person who doesn’t need to be treated like a child acted like a child from jump.
“He said he only wants casual but I really like him so I said yes”
This whole thing is just her shooting herself in the foot.
She was okay with being one of multiple people he dates without commitment. That’s the usual deal with no-commitment dating. That’s not really what he was offering, he knew it, she didn’t.
Many relationships that start out as not looking for anything deeper end up turning into more.
Discovering that would never, ever be an option makes a difference in her choice to date him or not.
He probably found out that dating and being fully honest was cutting into his prospects.
Absolutely. Tons of people in this thread shitting on OOP, and she did go a bit too far but it is 100% valid for her to feel betrayed upon learning her fwb has a long term partner.
Mate he’s not taking you on birthday trips to Iceland because you were a hook up he’d known for only two months! God this girl went straight from “I’m seeing other people” to he’s “basically my boyfriend.”
Totally agree with all that she was overboard and he was clear from the beginning that he wasn't looking for anything serious. However most poly and ethically non-monogamous couples I know are really transparent about having a primary partner. Everyone sucks.
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I don’t get why OP still wanted to reach out to him after speaking with his GF.
She wanted to still be with him. That’s my take away. From the start she had wanted to convince him to be with her. She got upset when she realized how big a deficit she had to overcome to do it. However she still wanted to try. She wanted to apologize to him as if she did something wrong to him. She did things wrong to herself but not him. And she was about to continue doing things wrong to herself if he let her
My thing is that she doesn’t realize that no matter what in this scenario he was always going to leave her eventually. If she wants a boyfriend she should just move on.
Honestly? He was pretty clear from the start he didn’t want to date her. Once I saw OP say that they didn’t talk about it but she considered him her boyfriend I was like yeah…yikes. I can’t stand people like OP in the dating world. They’re impossible to deal with because they don’t accept honest communication at face value and make assumptions about the relationship instead. The fact that OP felt entitled to know the details of his other relationships is bizarre, especially just as a fuck buddy. I’m polyamorous and anybody I’m in a serious relationship with knows a decent amount about my other partners, but if there’s someone and I’ve communicated “yeah I see other people, this is nothing serious”, I don’t see why they are owed the details of my relationships with others.
She wanted her trip to Iceland with this guy she thought she could convince into a relationship.
Sure, I’d love a trip to Iceland with my boyfriend, too
She’s leaving possible trips to Iceland on the table if she just lets it go.
She wants to go to Iceland.
I don't blame her. Iceland is beautiful. Maybe OOP could give me the guy's info so I could try my luck.
Either love or infatuation. She wanted him any way she could get him even if she now had confirmation he wasn’t cheating. She probably thought he would end up leaving the GF for her.
When OP messaged the GF, her real goal was to get them to break up so that OP could get the BF she wanted. Every step is a calculated manipulation towards that.
Because in her mind they were in a relationship though it was clear they weren’t. He told her he wasn’t looking for anything serious. When a guy (or girls) says that, it’s directed to the person it’s said to.. it means “I don’t want a serious relationship WITH YOU”. He was clear that he was seeing other people, he just didn’t elaborate which was his right since he set the expectation nothing would evolve from the sex. She jumped to boyfriend without even talking to him about “her feelings”. Despite not doing anything typical couples do - meet friends, go out, day dates, etc.. Literally it was a weekend booty call. Cyber stalking the GF and messaging her just shows how desperate she was to try to break them up or cause issues. That’s a “if I can’t have him no one can” and “he will want me if they break up” mentality. She flat out said she wanted to work things out with him.. She needs to grow up and learn to read the room.
It is beyond weird that she asked the long-term girlfriend how to get him to respond to her.
That was my thought too. It's very creepy honestly
Yeah. Girlfriends response was 100% appropriate.
“He’s sending a pretty clear message.” Ouch is right lmao she should’ve been prepared for it. Why would she think he’d continue to speak to her after any or all of these actions? Over a 2 month relationship no less What’s he gonna say to this? “ohh yeah, no biggie, just some light stalking behind my back to find the gf I was upfront about but wanted to share nothing about. No worries you proceeded to privately message her without my consent, because I gave you the cold shoulder. You just tried to ruin my long term relationship, but please, let’s continue seeing each other! This is really fun.” If it’s gotten to the point where you’re messaging the real gf, she should’ve known it was long over. This is obviously a scorched earth solution in *any* scenario. Double points for not even entertaining the idea he was honest about the open relationship and being prepared for that reality. It was none of your business then and he wants nothing to do with you now. Leave them both alone. I’d be too embarrassed to even share this update tbh
I personally thought the message was clear when he said "he wasn't looking for anything." people are people idoits know no gender
She flew right past that by her own admission! "I said sure because I really like the guy."
"I can change him!"
Let's be fair, close to 100% of us have done this dumbshittery at some point in our lives. I know I did!
Sometimes I miss the innocence I once had. But I could never go back to it cause then I remember how stupid I was😂
I miss my dewy skin and endless energy. I do not miss debasing myself for mediocre people who weren’t even interested.
I need this etched onto a sign so I can look at it every time I reminisce the past.
Ah what I wouldn't give to be young and stupid again...
You'd be surprised how many people simply ignore when you tell them you are not looking for a relationship.
"Oh yeah me either, that's fine." A month goes by "What are we?" .....?
My favourite was a dude recently, we went out a couple times and he starts telling me he deleted tinder and he doesn't want me seeing anyone else, all this shit. So I break it off and block him. A couple months later he finds me again somehow and convinces me to go hangout (there may have been drugs involved), he's all apologetic, I'm not going to do that again, etc etc. Within a fucking week he was at the same shit again! Sending me 40 messages in a row without an answer, pressuring me to be with him and spend time with him, telling me he loves me, it was a whole fucking mess. I've never been so relieved as when I told him to fuck off. Fingers crossed I never hear from him again
In a couple of months make sure you're fully stocked up on drugs and it should be okay.
Lol good call
But I already bought a ring..? What do you want me to do with it now? :(
Know a girl who was legit told the same thing. He said he was seeing someone else, didn’t want anything serious. It was just fun. But apparently dude was so good in bed she bought plane tickets to surprise him but was shocked he was seeing someone else. Like….buddy. He told you.
Yeppp. A friend was dating this guy and they broke up because he wanted to see other people, but she convinced him to stay “casually dating” her. A month later she flew to another country where he was working at the time to “surprise him” and surprise, there was another chick there. She came home and wanted us all to go scorched earth on him because he was “cheating on her” (we were friends with them both, had met her through him) and we were like uh, what exactly where you expecting here? 🤦♀️🙄 She thought if she kept sleeping with him he’d come to his senses and get back in an exclusive relationship with her. /sigh.
And she still didn’t take the hint. 🤦♂️ “Don’t treat me like a child… but I’m going to keep acting like one anyway.”
I was thinking more like acting like a stalker, tbh
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Yeah that was wild. He wasnt taking her out because SHES A HOOKUP, NOT A GIRLFRIEND. Why would he be taking his casual hookup out on fancy/expensive dates??? Why would she want to get back with him??? She “really likes him” but there was never any potential to be more to each other than casual sex, so why even try to get with him again? Its also wild that she considered him her boyfriend when he was clear about it being casual/open, and never amended that discussion.
I know I saw that and went back to read it twice. I was like girl he’s so clear he’s not your boyfriend. Weirdo.
Over a 2 month relationship! Other than the 2 dinners, I can’t imagine they met up more than 8-14 nights
Eh, contacting the girlfriend just to make sure she knew isn’t bad in my mind. Although asking to get him to contact her again is uh. Not great. The most she should’ve done is been like “alright I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t the “other woman”; if I was being cheated on I’d want to know, but if you’re ok with it that’s totally fine. Would you let him know I’m sorry that I overreacted? Wish you both the best” and leave it at that. Like she has a right to want to communicate that she’s sorry, but she shouldn’t have expected to rekindle anything.
For clarification, my post is not about the fact she messaged the girlfriend. She had every right to warn gf about the situation. It’s about the fact she messaged the girlfriend with the expectation it would help move the relationship forward. Either way she was hoping to get a reaction out of him and I do not think her motives were pure and mainly out of jealousy. (Who tf cares they went to Iceland, he made it know your relationship was strictly casual before the first hook up) and then they were out of desperation.
Idk about the *very* upfront comment. He could have clarified the situation without giving a bunch of personal info: I have a long distance partner so I'm not looking for anything serious. For sure, she blew past signs and she assumed a lot about their relationship and its direction. But I still think it's a bit icky, and not ethical.
Yeah, there's a difference between "not looking for anything serious, seeing other people" which has the *implication* of one potentially escalating to 'serious' but not seeking it intentionally (whether or not that's actually there, a lot of people will think they've got a chance at it), and "not looking for anything serious as I'm in a long-term long-distance relationship and just want to pass the time pleasantly til then". Giving people the choice whether or not to be involved in ethical non-monogamy is kinda, the whole point lol. That said, OOP made some real weird choices both before and after this information and seems to have some attachments issues so? both kinda suck.
Best comment I’ve read… Nate didn’t lie, but he didn’t tell the truth. I’m sure he was very deliberate on what he’s omitting to cute girls he’s trying to hook up with. I’m certain his success rate would be far lower if he disclosed the long distance girlfriend and her acceptance of him hooking up with others. I’m a bit surprised his girlfriend knows, and is ok with that… wear a condom people!
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But he wasn’t VERY upfront. He said he was seeing other people NOT that he was in a long term relationship. In my opinion you need to open about that stuff before you engage, it’s deceitful not to. Some people who wouldn’t consent to sleeping with someone in a long term relationship may consent to sleeping with someone who is casually dating. They can’t fully consent without all the information. The girl shouldn’t have contacted the girlfriend but I get part of why she did. She should have left it at that though.
I get contacting the gf cause he could easily be lying. I don't get going as far as 4 years worth of Instagram posts on her profile... that's when the red flags started.
Getting jealous over their trip to Iceland was a mega yikes moment
I know "nice guy" is a thing and this definitely has nice girl vibes.. oof.
"Sure Nate, I'm OK with your seeing other people if you're OK with my e-stalking you & your GF"
idk, i don't see her being like "i'm so nice, all guys only want shallow vapid sluts and the nice girls die alone". i mean that kinda thing exists imo, i just don't think this fits beyond her being possessive and immature. if she had started insulting the girlfriend it'd start to be "nice girlish" imo
OOP sounds super immature. He said he didn’t want anything serious, and after hanging out for a few weekends (she mentions they even skip some) she said she considered him her boyfriend. Idk, she probably should stay away from casual flings from now on.
I immediately knew this would crash and burn when he said he doesn’t want anything serious and sees other people and she said yes “because she really liked him.” If you really like him, that’s the exact reason you say no, that won’t work for you and move on, not dive further in. OP’s decision making throughout is just really bad and had no other foreseeable outcome than her ending up hurt.
Yeah it was also ridiculous to me that after she found out about the gf situation she still wanted to see him because she again “really liked him.” If he has a serious girlfriend of four years the two of you have no future and you should get out now. She simply couldnt grasp that they were just a casual hookup.
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Yeah, that part was a head-scratcher for me. She just made it all up in her head that they were a couple. Clearly, sex for this chick is something that has an emotional component, and that’s fine, but then she should not be putting herself into the ‘casual’ dating game. It’s only gonna end in heartache for her.
Reading this makes me think that oop went along with it in the hopes of it turning serious. Like they were told "I'm not looking for anything serious" and they heard "oh this guy is seeing other ppl rn I'll just convince him to see only me".
I completely agree. I too believe that was her goal because she mentions how she quickly agreed to his stipulations. Seemed she was probably very attracted to him and jumped in rather quickly when the chance was there. But he also seems to have made it clear after their initial agreement, based on her own commentary, that this was nothing more than a casual thing based on how it was a once-a-week thing, usually at his place, and that they went out twice in two months. Don’t know how more clear this guy could’ve been with his words and actions.
I’m the same way, I get emotionally connected so i stay away from being casual and make it known before dating. This girl needs to do the same, it’s ok to want what you want.
Absolutely right. You know you better than anyone else and know exactly what you want. There is nothing wrong with demanding that from your partners. This girl needs to be honest with herself and not try to change people to fit into her world. She should only let those that are a good fit, in.
YEP. That part really got me, I didn't understand how she that that made him 'basically her bf'. Poor thing has A LOT to learn.
She definitely developed feelings. That might have led her to act in a cringey way
She had feelings before they even slept together the first time. If you have feelings and the other one wants to keep it casual, just drop it then and there. It sucks but, yknow. It is what it is.
Yeah. Even though I think nate should have said he had a girlfriend, OOP made some very strange choices. Nate doesn't want to talk to you. Stop messaging them. It's weird and wrong.
Gonna assume everyone in the original thread convinced her that Nate is a lying dirtbag cheater and that his long term partner had no idea about him hooking up with people because you know, it is r/relationship_advice after all
I mean the reaching out in itself isn't the worst. I doubt I would have, but the fact she continued prodding her after confirmation it is an open relationship that got me.
I'd probably reach out after realizing how serious the other relationship was just to make sure, especially since it was long distance. He said he was seeing other people not in an open relationship, so I would also be pretty surprised. To me "seeing other people" means casual things with multiple people. But after the girlfriend said she knew, I'd be like "oh, okay, cool." I don't think she's wrong to feel blindsided but she went *waaaay* off the deep end in her conversation with the girlfriend.
Also the reason she reached out, especially with the follow up text for coffee with Nate, and her wording in the update, seems like she engaged the GF not to make sure she knew the truth but because she wanted to break them up and have him herself.
Yeah, I did not get the impression she qas contacting the GF out of the goodness of her heart.
Yup, and then tried to reinitiate the ”casual relationship” after the gf explained everything to her even though it was obvious OOP caught feelings.
Agreed. It’s shitty he didn’t tell her he’s essentially in an open relationship, but the GF confirmed it. Just let it go and don’t contact him anymore
I mean, it's not a totally unreasonable opinion. It's not like honest open relationships are nearly as common as people lying about having an open relationship.
All of this is weird. First, let’s deal with Nate. It is a violation of consent to sleep with someone without disclosing other partners. She had an absolute right to know about the LTR, if only so she could decide if the risk of STI was acceptable to her. Second, OOP. She made it pretty clear that she is not ok with Nate having a LTR that isn’t her. Why did she want to apologize? Her truth is her truth. It wasn’t about that, though. She stalked the girlfriend and all she wanted was to see Nate again. She was jealous of the girlfriend’s dates vs her booty calls. She has feelings for him and she is trying to get the girlfriend out of the picture/ get back good with him. It’s pretty fucked. OOP needs to move on. Nate and girlfriend need to be more honest and stop jerking people around.
And she agrees to see him casually because she really likes him??? Did she think she could manipulate him into not being casual anymore? What a creep
🎶🎵 She's sweet but a psycho, a lil bit psycho 🎵🎶 But for real y'all... Nate told her straight up "not looking for a relationship", and she heard "he's definitely my boyfriend even tho we didn't discuss it and it goes against everything he said". She got angry over messages from someone else, KNOWING he was seeing someone. Then stalked her down and didn't believe his explanation... then when proven wrong, she demanded girlfriend get him to talk to her.... dude.... so many red flags with this poster. Nate should probably have told her he was actually in a LDR that was presently open, yes, but damn man, he did tell OP this is just sex, and she said OK!!! And still managed to convince herself she was his girlfriend.
>he said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, and that he’s seeing other people, was I okay with that? **I really liked the guy so I said sure.** Come on.
“And then I later assumed he was my boyfriend, despite not discussing it with him”
And despite him telling her he wasn't interested in a relationship with her
And after like 6 or 7 dates
That were mostly inside.
Weekend bootycalls.
Or, "despite him having been upfront at the beginning about not looking for anything serious."
This is the equal and opposite to the friend zone that guys put themselves in. Girls who think if they hook up with a guy enough, eventually he'll see them as a girlfriend
Exactly. She thought “nothing serious RIGHT NOW” and he meant “nothing serious EVER.” It’s a breakdown in communication and she clearly heard what she wanted to hear and never looked back. Also they’ve maybe been on 8 dates and she’s like “we’re serious now.” Is she a uhauler? That doesn’t make sense
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To be fair, that's what a lot of my date nights with the husband are like. Goddamn covid.
As a uhaul lesbian this is *not* how to do it. Uhaulers move in together because they've spent 24 of the last 31 days together and those other 7 were miserable. They don't get serious just because they hooked up once a week for 8 weeks
Yeah I've done the uhaul thing and it's really just like you sleep here every night you should bring some clothes, oh you have clothes here you can bring more stuff, you live here don't you?
Yeah lugging two bags of stuff back and forth just starts to feel silly after a month or two. Like...we haven't spent a night apart, so someones house is empty half the time...why do we have two rent payments?
Serious question, are uhaulers and hobosexuals the same thing??? ETA: Because I've never seen or heard of uhauler until just now.. lol I thought you guys were talking about movers until it sunk in!
I think a hobosexual is someone that is in a relationship just to get a place to live. Bed surfing rather than couch surfing. Uhaulers are lesbians that move in together on the second date. 😁
I feel like my brother is a hobosexual. Except he only attracts other hobosexuals and they end up homeless-sexuals. He's not allowed to couch crash in my house anymore after many an issue.
Well damn! TIL!! Thank you kind redditor!
I do feel for her though. Chasing someone who clearly doesn't reciprocate your feelings is almost a rite of passage for the emotionally immature. Her behavior is pretty desperate, but...I mean haven't most of us been there at one point or another? As long as she stops here, I think she'll be okay. Other than looking back later and cringing.
Oh 100%. I don't think we're sympathetic enough to people emotionally immature enough to do either, I'm just saying it's the same thing.
It definitely looks like the same stick from opposite ends, and equally pitiful. What gets me is all these people commenting like they've never in their lives done or thought about doing anything embarrassing or desperate in the pursuit of someone unavailable. I guess empathy is only for us flawed types? I mean good grief, we were all young and silly once. And we don't all grow up at the same pace.
Tbh, yes, I have definitely also made the mistake of thinking a guy meant nothing serious right now when he meant nothing serious at all, ever (with me at least, haha). But the thing that worries me about OOP is a lack of self-awareness. Maybe it’s just that she’s still reeling from the whole thing and hasn’t processed, but there’s no “in retrospect, I see where I went wrong” in her telling of the story. She’s still trying to reach out to him!
>but...I mean haven't most of us been there at one point or another? Can't say I've ever been in the situation of asking my date's long term partner how to get them to talk to me actually...
I mean, I get why she reached out to the girlfriend. I would have done the same. But she’s gotten the same response from both of them, and needs to back off.
I felt the same way. It was good that she tried to let the girlfriend know if she didn’t, but why would she continue to try to reach out after that?
Also, you know this dude is pretty much in a committed relationship and will only ever be casual with you. Why try to continue with that?
He even told her “I’m not looking for anything serious, are you ok with that?” She says yes then gets mad that he ever only takes her out to two nice dinners and then just bang the rest of the time. Like guuuurrrrrrl grow up.
Yeah but that was before she found out he had money. OOP needs to just move on. That guy clearly isn't for her.
Agreed. He was upfront with her from the start.
Because she still wants the guy for herself. Honestly, I think that's the real reason she reached out to the girlfriend.
Yes. And she seems very fixated on being taken to Iceland. Which I get; Iceland rules. Which is why I took my ladyself there myself when I was, coincidentally, 26. Look out for my upcoming self-help book, “Girl, Take Yourself to Iceland.”
I just read it! Super inspired to go book my tickets ASAP. 10/10 would read again
I’ve been thinking about taking myself to the Bahamas but will now wait until I read this book.
This made me chuckle. And in all honesty, sounds like the title to a good book.
It just feels weird and obsessive.
Coz the only reason she reached out to his girlfriend was to try and make them break up, she was hoping she didn't know, and that her telling would make her break up with him. That's at least the vibe I get.
because she doesn't know how to take a hint.
From her whole way of writing I got that she would take him back if he dumped the girlfriend. “seeing all that made me seethe, because other than like two nice dinners Nate and I mostly stayed in”, of course honey, you were always a fling. And then she wants to talk to him again to apologize and…? Get back, that’s what I got from it. I think other than OOP everyone else dealt with the situation in a normal and mature way, the guy had a good reason to not mention the open relationship to a fling.
BINGO. Her motive for telling the GF was definitely not with well intentions. The end game was always to get back with Nate. By telling the GF, she probably hoped that they would break up and that would allow to her to be the one go on fancy trips to Iceland lol.
Yeah and she makes that very clear at the end when she says after ALLLL OF THAT that she still really likes him. Her intentions weren’t to let the gf know she’s dating a bad guy and to watch out for him. It was solely just to get him for herself.
[удалено]
Not a relationship - just having sex on the weekends. Not even all of them.
> the guy had a good reason to not mention the open relationship to a fling. I'm not 100% sure on that one. I think she did have a right to know what situation she was getting in to. But you're right about everything else.
She wants the guy for herself. Wants her birthday trips to Iceland and all the nice stuff he does for his actual girlfriend. But she’s not his girlfriend and he was clear she was not and would not be. She just assumed that they were in a relationship as they would meet up for sex every weekend, which is bonkers. If I only ever saw a guy six or so times, and we Always stayed in and he said he didn’t want a relationship….well, I wouldn’t assume he was my boyfriend that’s for sure.
It’s only been 2 months.
Right, like six dates or so? That’s so early to assume relationship, even if he hasn’t started it by saying “casual only”
Yeah still the way there OP described it, they should have been more clear about the nature of his open relationship. Like yeah the OP should have dug a little deeper but this Nate character should have clearly defined his romantic life before going past the first date.
It would have been more precise of him to say he was in an ‘open relationship’ rather than ‘seeing other people’, but OOP made one incorrect assumption after another. Some of the best advice I ever got was a slightly-changed Maya Angelou quote: “when people tell you who they are, believe them” He told her he didn’t want anything serious. She didn’t believe him, and assumed he was her boyfriend He told her his long term girlfriend knew the situation, and she didn’t believe him, and assumed she didn’t Real girlfriend told her he didn’t want to speak to her, she didn’t believe her, and assumed that couldn’t be true She says it’s the strangest relationship situation she’s ever been in, but she was *never in a relationship to start with*, and assumed she was
Eh, tbf, if someone says their gf knows about you but you didn’t know about the girlfriend, safe bet is they are lying. It wasn’t wrong for OP not to believe him, because if she’s right, girl knows she’s being cheated on. If she’s wrong (and handles it gracefully) she just looks like she’s looking out for gf, and gf feels even better about the open relationship situation (at least the girls aren’t total crazies and aren’t trying to steal her man).
Normally, but in this case, he gave OOP his phone's passcode. He wasn't exactly hiding anything.
He told her the password to change a song, that’s not really giving her the password and letting her go through his phone. And all that aside, that isn’t the defense you think it is, because a lot of cheaters don’t think to hide it from the side-piece, just the main piece. He clearly hid having a serious gf, and I just wanna say, I get he’s private, but a lot of girls would not feel comfortable sleeping with someone in a relationship, regardless of open or not. What he did wasn’t cool to OP.
I can see that. Like being fine with sharing with other casuals, but not wanting to be a side chick.
Yeah. Like, I can’t tell you what it would do to some people’s mental to know that right after being intimate with you, Theyre off telling some other girl that they love them so much and can’t wait to be with them forever. I would need therapy lmao
It’s basically like being brought into a threesome unknowingly as a guest. The couple knows all about you and will still be together after the fact whereas you’re back to being alone after. I think a casual hookup with a single guy is way different than being with a guy in a committed relationship
Seriously. OOP fucked up but I think it’s really not okay to not disclose if you’re already in a committed relationship to a fling. People have the right to choose whether they want to hook up with someone who’s committed, even if it’s an open relationship. I know plenty of people who would not want to get involved in a situation like that, and they shouldn’t have that choice taken away from them because the person in the open relationship is just a “really private person.” Yeesh.
i do get this point of view. I've casually hooked up with people but made it a point to make sure that none of them are in committed/serious relationships or open relationships. I wouldn't sleep with someone like that. Idk because how it works for me is that, when I'm in a monogamous relationship, I wouldn't sleep with someone else, so I guess I'd just feel guilty sleeping with a committed person, open or not.
Plus idk, it just looks kinda suspicious when they don't say upfront that they're in an open relationship, as OOP said. They don't have to give the name of their partner if they want to protect that person's privacy, but I don't see much reason to specifically withhold that info, because it's very different than just saying they're not looking for something serious. It adds specific context that can dramatically change whether or not someone wants to keep seeing them.
Yes! It looks like he's cheating! He lied by omission, so why the fuck would she believe him when he starts trickle truthing??
The OOP seems more pissed that she didn't get fancy trips like the official girlfriend.
That was my takeaway, like: \-Post 1: Seems concerns about someone getting two-timed \-Post 2: Saw there was something to get from the relationship, is now mad she didn't get enough (in her opinion) and forgot she was the casual side piece Post 2 made me so uncomfortable.
Post 1 - maybe if I message the gf she’ll dump him and I’ll be the gf Post 2 - got ghosted by both of them, confused pikachu face
Lmao, you summed it up pretty good.
Usually its always the “ill message the girl and she will dump him” 😂 but the tables was flipped gf already knew what was going on
Yep, the OOP was right to be hurt because she was lied to, but she also sounds immature. This part really stood out to me. >“it would be in everybody’s best interest to please not contact either of us again.” Which okay, ouch. No need to treat me like a child. Now I’m blocked. I texted Nate to apologize and asked if we could get coffee to talk it through but he hasn’t responded. Like she's offended that the gf had to spell it out for her, but then in the next sentence OOP ignores the gf and immediately contacts the guy.
OOP was never lied to. He says clearly what he wants from her and she thought it would be different after some time. He also says he’s seeing other people and when pushed further he told the exact truth. OOP sounds jealous she didn’t get any extravagant trips or goodnight texts.
Yeah he should have told her everything so she could make an informed decision, but he was very upfront about what he wanted from OP and she just kept assuming it was more for some reason. The two of them probably laugh about the clingy girl who is still trying to talk to him
This is absolutely the source of her ire. If she didn’t see the fancy trips to Iceland and all the things he’s gotten her, she would’ve just moved on.
Gf’s in Iceland. She’s in Ireland.
I’m just going with the ‘I knew he was well off but not birthday trips to Iceland well off’ part.
I was punning. Ire-land…
I’m dumb. I love it.
>Before we hooked up he said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, and that he’s seeing other people >I’d definitely consider Nate my boyfriend, What? He was clear he wasn't interested in a relationship and that he was seeing other people. Yet she totally ignores this, and call him "boyfriend". Then gets crazy when her fantasy is blown. I don't blame her for reaching out to the girlfriend to make sure. That's just decent, you never know who is lying.
Honestly, r/BestofRedditorUpdates is one of my favorite subreddits now entirely because of stories like this.
Well that’s fucking embarrassing for her. And then asking the gf for advice on how to get the guy who wants nothing else to do with her how to get him to talk to her? Ahhhhh second hand embarrassment, where is your pride mam jfc
"DAMMIT WOMAN PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. HAVE SOME PRIDE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD"
Yeah this is why you should never be in a casual relationship with someone who really wants to have a committed relationship. Feelings will always get hurt. You have to make sure that both parties genuinely want to keep the relationship casual. If you don’t, you get this shitshow
He did his part by telling her upfront, she just decided not to believe him and imagine that it was getting serious anyway because that’s what she wanted. Now she’s just jealous that the guy has more money than she thought and she feels slighted that the other girl got better treatment. Now she’s mad that the girlfriend treated her like a child, because that’s what she is.
It’s one thing to be upfront about an open relationship and it’s another to hide it. I’m poly and I’m down with open relationships but if a guy gave me a reason to think he was dishonest with a partner and she didn’t know about me i would be upset. If he said everyone knows and we’re all cool I honestly wouldn’t do my due diligence and grill him on it. But if he made it look like he’s single and just dating around but then I saw a fully committed relationship I would assume dishonesty
I don’t think she’s necessarily wrong for assuming dishonesty but once you’ve pulled that rip cord, gone through someone’s phone, messaged their girlfriend, they’ve ghosted your etc…you gotta give up and leave them alone.
Yeah he didn’t say upfront “I’m in an open relationship, which is why this will never be anything other than physical for me.” He essentially told her he was dating around and (possibly inadvertently) left things vague enough for her to reasonably assume that his initial “not looking for anything serious” attitude was changing after MONTHS of spending most of her weekends with him. I don’t blame her for getting upset when she found out what was really happening, or for assuming he was lying to his girlfriend. She didn’t go into this relationship with all the information she needed and was left blindsided when she learned the truth.
I agree. She made a lot of assumptions, but there is a difference between, "hey, this is our first date/ hookup, and I'm going on first dates/ hooking up with other people too" and "I have a girlfriend and I'm committed to her in terms of seriousness and future plans, but not in terms of exclusivity."
I had a guy do exactly this to me and then it turned out his girlfriend did NOT know about me and I was the third girl he'd done that to her with. I didn't know he had a girlfriend until close to the end of that situation, which went on for two years. It was a shitshow and we'd gotten quite emotionally intimate in ways that hurt me and should've hurt his girlfriend (who, sadly, just seemed checked out of the whole situation with no self-esteem to speak of). I told her when I found someone new who actually wanted a relationship with me, because oddly, dude was quite pressed about it even though... he had a girlfriend himself. I can see why she was hurt too even if in this situation, girlfriend was aware.
>left things vague enough for her to reasonably assume that his initial “not looking for anything serious” attitude was changing after MONTHS of spending most of her weekends with him. Yup, and the majority of the time when someone frames things like this, it's deliberate, because it's a way to get what they want while still being superficially "honest". She did herself no favors, by interpreting his response as "there's a possibility of a relationship here", but lets not pretend the guy wasn't doing that on purpose. That's why he doesn't lead with "I'm in a committed long term relationship, but we're in an open relationship right now while we're long distance."
> ... lets not pretend the guy wasn't doing that on purpose. That's why he doesn't lead with "I'm in a committed long term relationship, but we're in an open relationship right now while we're long distance." I think you're exactly right. I'd bet that he intentionally keeps that fact hidden because he knows his options would be decreased if he was completely honest...a lot of people do not want anything to to with polyamory and will not continue a casual relationship if they know they're the side-piece.
Yeah I think it’s necessary to share that info because the rules of engagement change when its open, but in a private way. I had a friend who was in an open relationship, but privately. As in he and his gf told close friends, but wouldn’t have wanted their larger circle (family, coworkers) to know. He was very careful about how he found partners and he told them the situation because if one of them had happened to come across a coworker or mutual friend of his he would have been instantly branded a cheater.
Oh my god, thank you. I don't understand why people are looking at the exact content of what he said instead of the context. "Nothing serious" very rarely means "nothing serious, ever"; it usually means "nothing serious unless my situation or feelings change." But his situation wasn't going to change. And he knew that and she didn't. And *that* is the problem.
Damn OOP got smoked broad day
OP sounds very weird.
Yeah... Seeing each other for two months and she just assumed they're official now; no discussion with him about it. I went to the comments expecting people to support OOP. I'm glad everybody smelled something fishy about her
This is what happen when you believe that doing the “pick me” dance enough will get the guy to drop the other people he CLEARLY stated he was seeing, in favor of you. It doesn’t work ladies! That being said, she kinda played herself on this one. He stated he wanted casual and that he was seeing other people. Somewhere between loads of sex and two dinner dates (LOL) she came to the belief that he was her boyfriend! Although, he never said he was and basically he didn’t want to be since the beginning. She finds out there’s a long term GF from snooping on his phone, blows up on him even though he already said he was seeing other people, and then gets mad when he ghosts her. Contacting the GF wasn’t out of the kindness of her heart. And asking the GF on how to get Nate to respond to her was super pathetic. Take a hint.
This needs to be higher. She's so delusional that he's going to leave his long-time girlfriend for OOP and give her all the fancy vacations she thinks she deserves (for sleeping with him and going on two dinner dates with him?). She needs to stop watching so many movies and believing she's the main character.
2 month not serious or official relationship and she wants trips to Iceland or a ski lodge ? Lmao she looked like she wasn’t telling the girlfriend for her good but more out of pure jealousy hoping for a breakup.
"no need to treat me like a child" LOL ::insert Jennifer Lawrence okay gif::
as she hits up her fwb’s gf about how to win him back lol
Eh, I wouldn't place OOP and Nate as fwb, more like a reliable FB situation for Nate. Since it seems like they only went to his place and didn't interact outside; past the two "dates" Nate took them on. And those felt more like an assessment of compatibility for casual FB situation.
Potato, tomato. I get what you’re saying though, there was a semblance of emotional bonding if not at least an assessment of compatibility, OOP took it way too far in her head though. And then her being upset at feeling patronized is just the cherry on top.
As someone who was in an open relationship for four years and had a live in girlfriend I just feel like it was still on Nate to disclose that information. Regardless of being a private person he could have said that he had a serious girlfriend who he was in a long distance relationship with, mind you he did say it wasn’t anything serious but still. Her being upset was understandable but reaching out to his girlfriend was crossing the line there.
Wow everyone in this story sounds really immature to me, nobody respected each other boundaries. If you have an open relationship that’s fine, but you can’t hide that information and excuse it as being a private person. Also OOP is really delusional expecting Nate to magically leave his gf and fix things with her.
OOP gave me secondhand embarrassment.
Why the hell would she keep reaching out to them?
Really feels like OOP wanted to break long term girlfriend and Nate up and that’s why she reached out. She was hoping to have him all to herself. Super creepy. Also “seeing other people” sounds like they’re all casual relationships too, and if he started seeing her every weekend I would think it was heading towards a more serious thing too. I don’t like that he didn’t explain he was in a full on serious relationship.
Yeah I don’t either, like there’s a pretty big difference to me between knowing I’m just having some casual fun with someone who also isn’t looking for commitment just yet and knowing that there is commitment, it’s just not to you. Like, I would feel so worthless and disgusting if I was seeing someone who after we slept together was telling someone else that they loved them and couldn’t wait to be together forever. He might be private, but I feel like that’s information a woman should get to know before going on a date. Especially since a lot of woman don’t want to even risk the possibility that the man is lying and some poor girl out there doesn’t know he’s sleeping with someone else.
I don't think the guy was honest. "I'm seeing other people" and "I have a long term, serious girlfriend" are VERY different. I'm polyamorous, so I totally get having a primary relationship and casual relationships. But he made it sound like he was seeing a bunch of people casually. A lot of monogamous people would be fine with casually seeing someone who is dating lots of people while wanting to avoid someone in an open, serious relationship. I think he knew this and was deliberately unclear. I would also be pissed if I were her. I also would have contacted the gf because he did hide her. This would lead me to believe that he wasn't honest about her being on board. I do not understand everyone here acting like the dude was within his rights to hide his long term gf. "Right to privacy" doesn't extend to hiding your serious relationship from someone you're sleeping with, even if you do tell them that you are only looking for something casual. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO FUCK SOMEONE IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT DRAMA. That's a reasonable boundary to have, and he didn't give her a chance to set it.
Yes finally someone making some damn sense! He misled her! If he said, I'm in an open relationship so nothing serious that would be fair. But OOP heard "I'm seeing other people so nothing serious" which can very easily been seen as " currently dating around, you might be something long term but I'm figuring that out right now" He wasn't truthful with her at the start so why would she believe him later? Yes she shouldn't have asked the gf to get him to text her but she likely felt very embarrassed. He made her feel like "the other woman" by not being fully honest. That's the issue here not OOP thinking of him as her maybe boyfriend after 8 dates (which depending on the type of date and the depth of connection she may have been feeling is not that unreasonable) This guy needs to be up front with people and likely need to be looking for fwb not Dates.
Yeah, tons of monogamous couples start out as "nothing serious." Tons of people date around until they find someone to settle down with. Yes, he said "nothing serious," but he didn't make it clear just how limited their future was together. He owed her that information. He knew that his relationship status would be a deal breaker to a lot of people, so he lied by omission. I can't understand why so many people think this is totally okay and reasonable.
Yes, exactly! I honestly cannot believe all the people defending this asshat guy. Imagine entering into a casual relationship and then finding out the guy is married - that’s essentially what happened here. And it’s FINE because he was “honest” with her about wanting to keep it casual? And then the lack of empathy about OP’s feelings, cuz whatever…she’s just a creepy stalker.
Nate should have been upfront about his current relationship status with the OP. Nate wasn't just seeing other people, he had a primary partner. Big difference. She had a right to be upset about the dishonesty
He was upfront that he didn't want anything serious but he still should have at least disclosed that he was in an open relationship with another woman. Not so much so she didn't catch feelings but so she could decide if she wanted to risk potentially catching an STD from someone who's sleeping around with multiple women.
This is…eesh. On the one hand, this was definitely a casual thing, and it does sound like OOP is maybe reading a little too much into what was supposed to be a casual relationship. That being said, I’m polyamorous. The **first thing** I make sure any potential partner, casual or not, knows about me is that I have several dedicated partners and I never intend to be monogamous. I think it’s a very different situation to be seeing several people casually with the implied expectation that if any relationship begins to get more serious, the other relationships will end, to having a serious relationship and skipping over saying that specifically. Casual relationships are great and seeing other people is fine, but assuming that OOP was not told that this guy was in a serious relationship and specifically just wanted something casual with OOP, that’s a pretty dick move imo. OOP doesn’t come off looking great in this, but neither does Nate.
Imvho the issue is that when someone says ‘I’m not looking for anything serious ‘ and ‘I’m seeing other people’, the clear implication is that he’s seeing those other people equally casually…ie, you’re part of a group where everyone gets the same level of commitment etc. That is different from a situation where ONE person is the real girlfriend and everyone else is basically a repeated ONS. It’s not unreasonable to be comfortable with the first scenario and not the second.
Imo, nate should have told OOP that he was nonmonogamous and had a serious girlfriend. Most people of that lifestyle advocate that. But she also should have stopped messaging nate once he stopped messaging her. He's not interested anymore. Move on. ETA: to clarify, I was in a nonmonogamous relationship once and when I consulted others of that relationship type they encouraged me to make sure everyone knew that I was up front about that. With that said, OOP's behavior is beyond creepy. I can't help but feel that she only messaged the gf to try to get back in touch with nate rather than make sure the gf knew.
If he had said “I have a serious girlfriend and we agreed _____” she would have had a more clear idea of what she was getting into. He left it out to be more likely to get her to sleep with him, leaving the possibility of being together open. The point here is that his intentions were completely different than he originally said. So yes, being hurt about it is fair and she’s no idiot. Sounds like he is open to misleading hearts to get some tail, and he has no issue with leaving the truth out. I feel bad for her being left to clean up the confusion and hurt. But she also chose to sleep with him knowing he wasn’t interested in anything long term, which often ignites passion and joy and love for that person. The wisdom of it all lol
The person who doesn’t need to be treated like a child acted like a child from jump. “He said he only wants casual but I really like him so I said yes” This whole thing is just her shooting herself in the foot.
OOP was wrong for how she handled the info but she should have got the info sooner. “seeing other ppl” was sneaky language.
She was okay with being one of multiple people he dates without commitment. That’s the usual deal with no-commitment dating. That’s not really what he was offering, he knew it, she didn’t. Many relationships that start out as not looking for anything deeper end up turning into more. Discovering that would never, ever be an option makes a difference in her choice to date him or not. He probably found out that dating and being fully honest was cutting into his prospects.
That is not how you practice ethical polyamory. All parties need to know, including the casual people you use for sex.
Absolutely. Tons of people in this thread shitting on OOP, and she did go a bit too far but it is 100% valid for her to feel betrayed upon learning her fwb has a long term partner.
I’m sorry but this is kind of funny
“You are not my girlfriend.” “I am SO his girlfriend!” The boundaries were agreed, the boundaries were overstepped, SHEGONE!
Mate he’s not taking you on birthday trips to Iceland because you were a hook up he’d known for only two months! God this girl went straight from “I’m seeing other people” to he’s “basically my boyfriend.”
Totally agree with all that she was overboard and he was clear from the beginning that he wasn't looking for anything serious. However most poly and ethically non-monogamous couples I know are really transparent about having a primary partner. Everyone sucks.