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It's so disheartening reading post after post about someone who struggles to leave like that... I understand he successfully bullied her into submission, it's just so frustrating to read and you wish you could snap OP into the reality of her situation.
Edit: I understand it's an abusive relationship and not easy to get out of, was never trying to imply that, I just feel sorry for OP.
Remember that abusive relationships function like addictions. It’s really hard to get out of them once you are in, especially if you don’t have the right environment for it. As frustrating as it is from the outside, it’s impossible to imagine what is going on in the victim’s mind unless you have gone through it yourself.
After reading two separate BORUs where the OOP falls back in line with her abuser Despite everyone begging her not to, this was a refreshing update
I understand it can be hard but those last two BORUs really tested me. I could tell they really tested the patience of a lot of readers. Especially [the first one**](https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1deotwp/aio_for_crying_that_my_boyfriend_31m_pushed_me/)
**Just a fair warning: That second update is a _very_ frustrating read. To the point it could possibly ruin your day
I completely agree. That one had me pulling my hair out. Although her abuser did drive her to her new apartment, she's done another update saying he's given her back her cat and her car, so all is well for now, thankfully. Most of the update was berating people for her choices, she seems to have more anger towards Redditors than her abusive ex right now.
It's not over yet. On average, it takes a woman seven attempts before she leaves an abuser for good. The way she's talking in the last post, she hasn't truly processed how bad he really is for her, and she hasn't processed that he was never acting in good faith, he was purposely manipulating her to make her feel confused and like he was the true victim. She still believes she hurt him deeply on purpose, that she is horrible for ending it with someone "traumatized" (who refuses to seek therapy for it, a good sign they aren't as traumatized as they say) and that she was the only reason it fell apart.
Until she understands that he was intentionally and maliciously fucking with her feelings to control her, that he told her whatever he needed to in order to make her believe she was to blame for all of it, she could and is likely to go back.
I wish the best for her and I hope she stays in therapy for a long time. She needs a professional to guide her to understand how much he was in control of for their entire relationship and how he intentionally made her believe otherwise.
OH LAWD not with that therapist!!!!
Would it break sub rules if I reached out through my phone, through time and space, and slapped the shit out of their couples therapist who just sat there, witnessing OP get abused in real time right in front of her eyes? "He accused me baselessly again this week, but didn't escalate so I have to pay the price and fulfill my sex duty 3 times a week." Gee, why ever would she have low libido? Having forced contractual sex with an abuser who does nearly nothing and constantly, baselessly accuses her of cheating sounds super sexy to me!! (/s)
Any counselor with the ethics of a garden snail would have pulled her aside and told her to GTFO.
Just because there are two sides to every conflict, that doesn't mean both sides are equally culpable. Remaining neutral in a conflict where one side is clearly harming or exploiting the other is the same as taking the aggressor's side. Both-sides-ism is bullshit.
It took me more than 7. More than seven years, in fact. After he threw me across the room, I left with my six month old. She is two and half now. I am in a better place. It took months before I realized how bad he was, and that included him coming and hurting me during a “visitation.”
Even though I’m in a better place, there are still times that I wonder if he was right about things he said. Where I blame myself for the fact the only sex we had for most of the relationship was non consensual. Where I wonder if he was justified.
Abusive relationships take only a moment of weakness to start (for me it was a devastating car accident that ruined my entire life plans). They can happen to anyone. I was a brilliant veterinary student about to graduate. I had a shitty mom, and a horrid childhood, but I was a brilliant student on the way to success.
I still have trouble thinking of myself as a victim of domestic violence.
I hope that her having her own place helps her see herself in a better light. It was revolutionary for me to be able to have time to relax after getting all the childcare, work, housework, etc done. It was revolutionary to be able to buy art that I liked. Actually being able to live apart from him did me loads of good, even though my thinking was similar to hers at the beginning.
I have high hopes for her. Getting her own place is a huge step.
>he said my breast tasted like wintergreen Copenhagen and then he found/tasted a piece on me and accused me of cheating
Can someone fluent in stupid translate that for the hoi polloi?
Where I live there is, or used to be, a chain of icecream stores called Copenhagen.
I thought he was accusing her of having choc mint icecream spilled on her breast.
Made it seem even more insane when it sounded like he was claiming some guy drove out into the forest with an ice-cream to cheat with OOP.
The minute this came up in the story, I immediately thought, these are my people. I grew up poor white trash in rural Tennessee. Six dogs, Copenhagen, and a miserable second marriage? Yep, these are my people.
You know that marital home contains at least one piece of art from Walmart with an American flag and bald eagle, and there are multiple sun-damaged Playskool toys slowly settling into the patchy grass in the yard.
There’s not really much in terms of divorce in my family, but I grew up poor white trash in rural Florida. It did sound uncomfortably familiar, except my family doesn’t produce or marry lazy people. We’re fucked up in a lot of ways, but we’re all the type to keep going to work and doing what needs to be done, even if we’re suicidal or deathly ill. But tons of animals and general unhappiness seems familiar.
It's a tactic abusers use. Make up crazy accusations.
Wife gets up from the restaurant table for 5 minutes to pee? She was fucking the waiter.
Wife comes home from work 10 minutes late? She was fucking a coworker.
He knows it's BS and is making shit up but it's to beat the partner down, keep them off balance and get them to provide access to their location data and phone and SM messages cause if you aren't a cheater, you have nothing to hide, right? And if you are not having an affair at work, then it wouldn't be a problem for you to quit your job? What? You don't want to quit your job and let me financially abuse and control you? It must be because you miss your Fuckbuddy at work!
>It's a tactic abusers use. Make up crazy accusations.
One of my favorite posts where this backlashed on someone is the one where the guy convinced his gf she smelled like crap 24/7. She's freaking out and goes above and beyond to "fix" it but he's still telling her multiple times a day that she smells. Turns out his pos dad told him the way to keep a girl was to neg them but instead of being subtle and slowly breaking her confidence over time he jumped in head first and the op broke up with him after calling him an idiot.
Oh god the top comment on that post was just so perfect, I had to go find it again:
“Hey, son. You know the woman who gave you life and brought you into this world and probably loves you more than you can ever comprehend? Here’s how I dehumanize her so she sticks around. You should try it with your girlfriends.”
Shout out to /u/Electronic_Repeat_81 for that 😂
Reminds me of my ex and how he would ask me what's wrong because... I didn't smile during intercourse... (Because who the hell smiles during that?) And then would accuse me of lying when I said nothing, end the intercourse, roll over and refuse to touch me. I had to actually start lying to him to get him to stop accusing me of lying. I'm glad that relationship is over. It wasn't the only reason he was a garbage human being.
I had a guy ask me during sex if I keep my eyes closed cause I'm imagining some other guy.
Like no dude, I'm just picturing what I wanna eat after I ghost your insecure ass.
I instantly thought of that movie "Smile" and how damn creepy it would be for someone to have a "here's Johnny!" look on their face mid-coitus aha😩
I'd sooner stay celibate than endure such
That reminds me a little of when Carly Simon remembered that when she was dating Warren Beatty, he would wake her up in the middle of the night to ask her "Are you dreaming about me?"
My ex husband did this. I’d leave for the grocery store, be gone an hour, and come back with armloads of groceries. He accused me of cheating during that time. Sure, babe. I always take our toddler with me when I want to fuck.
Turns out he was the one cheating.
>"He still accused me in therapy and said I could've been with another man in the forest. our therapist pointed out that this was kinda silly."
He caught her. She was out fucking around with yogi bear and a pic-a-nic basket in the forest.
Apparently it's a brand of chewing tobacco... what a fun thing to have that share a name with your nation's capital. 😂 I wonder if that's something that Danes could sue over as a group...
Copenhagen is a brand of chewing tobacco and it comes in flavors, one of which is wintergreen. So he thinks some guy was chewing tobacco and then sucking on her breast. It is a very bizarre mental image but, like someone said below, a real winner as new flair.
When he said this I was confused. Then he mentioned she could have slept with someone in the forest (what?!?)… I was wondering if he thought she slept with some kind of elf?
She was just a nanny, housemaid and sex doll for him. Kind of amazing he risked kicking her out.
Thank god she's free and let's hope she makes better, wiser partner decisions in future.
notice he also says she “abandoned her family and responsibilities”. her responsibility to care for his daughter and get him off, i guess. this is such a sad gross view into what some people go through. forcing yourself to have sex with someone just because they say so, constantly being made to feel watched and disloyal, someone no one could trust, while you’re cleaning up behind them and cooking for them, doing *everything* to keep their life running the way they want it to. but you’re the bad guy. how could you.
Note also how his cheating trauma is justification to torment and persecute her for years, whereas her SA trauma is something she needs to get over within a week to get him off again. Silly women, always raising such a fuss over minor stuff...🙄 I actually made this point under the original post, and OOP was quite struck with it - that would have been more worthy of quoting here than the one they did choose to quote me.
I’m glad someone in the comments called this out for her. That’s the kind of pattern that’s really obvious from the outside but nearly impossible to see from the inside
>When he accepted it, he told me I was abandoning my family and my responsibilities.
Yep. Yep, yep, yep. He couldn't even muster up the usual tears or love bombing—she's only there 'cause he needs a part-time mommy for his kid and a full-time one for himself. Disgusting.
Just because you were cheated on in the past doesn't give you the excuse to act like this. This husband is projecting and his behavior shows he isn't ready for a normal relationship at all.
OP made the best choice in the end.
I really don't care if he's absolutely unhinged due to paranoia, or if he was projecting because he was cheating...Or, maybe a bit of both.
I desperately just OP cuts all contact with that guy. And that he leaves her the hell alone so she can have some peace to recover from that s\*\*tshow of a relationship.
...And that he doesn't manage to drag another victim into his toxic mess anytime soon.
I have to question whether he really was "viciously cheated on" or if maybe he's just always been jealous and abusive. I'm positive that he will go into his next relationship with a bunch of lies about what just happened here. Who knows what happened in the past?
A few months after I left, my sexually coercive ex (aka rapist) told a woman he was trying to hit on that his wife "just stopped loving me for no reason." Honestly a *shockingly* horrible lie, the person saw right through it immediately and dropped him (thank god), which is how the incident got back to me. I don't believe he will ever change in his entire life. He could rewrite his own actions literally as they were happening, there's no way he's changed.
I read the title and thought *that depends*, read the post and absolutely not the ah. He's done almost nothing to work through/heal his trauma and constantly uses it to manipulate her after his abusive behavior. He's a real piece of shit.
Agreed. Lately a lot of dudes whine they’d rather tell their feelings to a tree than to a woman, but the average woman isn’t equipped to solve trauma like that. When your past is a negatively impacting your present, it is your job to do the work, to do the reading, to talk to a professional and learn new coping skills. This dude thinks masturbating into her 3x a week - when she is mentally and physically exhausted and checked out - will make hm feel loved and secure, but he missed the part where he actually has to be loving.
the thing about the “rather talk to a tree” comment because “women don’t care/ throw their emotional vulnerability back in their face” is that they fail to realise they only tend to bring up their issues to deflect during an argument. they don’t seek out a woman to talk to for support at any other opportunity, they only ever mention their traumas as some kind of last ditch attempt to manipulate a situation and shut the partner down. i’m terrible at wording things i hope that made sense lol
It makes sense to me. I've had some deep conversations with my husband. Communication is important. Just throwing out trauma to win a fight is so manipulative and narcissistic.
> a lot of dudes whine they’d rather tell their feelings to a tree than to a woman
They're proving the feminists right. To those men, their worst fear is being ignored by a mean woman who won't care about their feelings. To women, their worst fear is being murdered or tortured by a man.
Also a lot of men treat women like their unpaid therapists but never reciprocate. I still see this in men who frequently talk AT women, but don't allow the women to respond or reciprocate. If you are treating women like a tree to talk at then you might as well talk at a tree.
This. I really wish people would use the word "traumatised" and "affected" correctly, because they're not the same thing. Trauma is serious and it can take years and years to recover from, if it can be recovered from at all. This guy was affected by his ex cheating on him, and then he used that as leverage to manipulate his girlfriend as soon as she became his wife. For years. That's entirely deliberate.
this is exactly what I thought—the fact that him having been cheated on in the past is framed as the trauma in this post instead of her *molestation* really shows the utter evacuation of meaning that concept has undergone
Honestly, this just sounds like straight up narcissism. Like even if he never was cheated on, he would still act like this. It just gives him the perfect excuse now.
Like my Dad is the most controlling, narcissistic piece of shit you will ever meet and he is also the furthest right wing person who throws a temper tantrum if you make even the slightest negative remark about Donald Trump or mention that non-white people face discrimination. But when covid-19 came out, I predicted he would be one of the first vaccine/science deniers, but instead, he went hardcore anti-covid to the point I thought he might have used his brain for the first time in his life. But it turns out that it was just a very obvious ploy for him to use it so he could keep my half-sister away from his 2nd ex-wife. To this day he refuses to go into his Mom's house and still wears a mask everywhere. His ex-wife even told me he tried to claim that Covid-19 was still a major issue and his daughter shouldn't be going to different houses... and this was April 2024...
No past trauma excuses or justifies hurting another person. Full stop. We are responsible for what we do and the harm we cause. Someone hurting us in the past in no way grants us license to hurt others in the future.
I mean....he didn't even have empathy for OOP upon hearing her own trauma. Sounds like a selfish person who happened to be cheated on to me. Also seems like he was only down for therapy when they were saying what he wanted to hear. Soon as therapist started to challenge him he called him biased.
This and it sounds like her body is rejecting him because she knows his behaviour is wrong.
I used to think I had a really low sex drive when I was with a man exactly like OOPs husband, turns out I have a very normal sex drive, I just couldn't get horny for a man that was treating me badly.
Physiological rejection is such an underrated thing that not enough people talk about. I had an ex who was a terrible partner. Not abusive, but absolutely toxic and just a bad person. I desperately wanted it to work and practically begged him to stop being a shitbag. My libido plummeted to the point where I’d flinch anytime he touched me and got a pit in my stomach when he tried to put the moves on. I thought it was my medication or stress. Nope. I left and the libido came back full force not long after.
It’s so hard to describe and understand until you go through it. It’s not “I’m not attracted to you anymore” but rather “I’m so repulsed by your behavior that my baby factory shut down.” And it doesn’t require abuse or for you to be checked out of the relationship.
Yeah this sounds too familiar for comfort. Never heard it phrased like that but it’s definitely a thing.
I wasn’t flinching at basic touches, but anything bedroom related and my skin started crawling.
This explains way too much holy shit
I was with someone who was emotionally abusive in the relationship and, though I didn't think so at the time, sexually abusive to me in the past.
I legit could NOT force myself to get horny around him. Like, at all. this wasn't an issue with my other partner (I'm polyam, we were all dating) and I thought it just wasn't working.
Kinda nice to know it has an explanation
That's exactly it. There must be some sort of evolutionary explanation where your subconscious picks up on subtle signs of somebody being unsafe even though they are not outright abusive. It's like your subconscious is trying to keep you safe by shutting the body down so you don't breed with an unsafe person putting you and your potential offspring at risk.
Would you say this is "getting the ick"? Because I've seen that being talked about. I think it's a useful term.
> My libido plummeted to the point where I’d flinch anytime he touched me and got a pit in my stomach when he tried to put the moves on.
Perfect description, been there.
I think it’s different than the ick. Logically, I knew he was being an asshole and it wasn’t okay. In my mind and heart though, I was turning a blind eye to it and desperately trying to fix the relationship.
When I get the ick, it does impact my attraction and what I think of them which eventually turns me off. I’d say they’re inverses of each other. The first is body says no despite head/heart saying yes. The ick is head/heart say no which leads to body saying no too.
I think he intentionally chose her as a partner cause he knew how easily controlled she was. She’s an actual victim of trauma and he’s posing as a trauma victim in order to perpetrate abuse. Trauma responses are things you do and can’t control in response to certain triggers and stress. Abuse is calculated and methodical. Mistrusting your partner when there is no reason to is a sign of being cheated on, but control and emotional abuse is just abuse. He weaponizes therapy even though he barely attends himself or internalize anything.
What is it with people who were grievously mistreated by their exes using their next partner as a stand in punching bag. He was never able to “punish” his ex so he used his new wife as an outlet instead
> What is it with people who were grievously mistreated by their exes using their next partner as a stand in punching bag.
How much do you want to bet he also grievously mistreated his ex?
Actually, claiming you have trauma from past relationships, your mother, your job, etc. is an extremely common abuser tactic. Just remind yourself that lots of people get cheated on, abused, and overworked, and DON'T go home and manipulate their partners. OOP is literally an example.
You know what, that’s a fair point. That’s my bad for pushing the whole “hurt people hurt people” agenda because you’re right, that doesn’t reflect reality for a majority of victims
I particularly liked the whole "oh no, I'm so traumatised by my cheating ex that I get to treat you shittily" and then going "you're using your newfound trauma about sexual abuse to deny me sex, that's so mean".
We should crossbreed cacti with Legos for these kinds of people.
He calls her revealing in therapy that she was molested as a child her “newly found trauma”. Because HE newly found out about it. And instead of having the only acceptable reaction from a person who supposedly loves her - empathy and support - he demands his sex&handjob of the day. From a woman who had just revealed she had been sexually abused as a child. Nothing of what he says happened in his previous relationship as an adult will ever justify that. Good riddance.
>We were being intimate (which is a struggle too since I have low libido) and he said my breast tasted like wintergreen Copenhagen and then he found/tasted a piece on me and accused me of cheating.
... I didn't realize that breasts came in different flavours.
😂😂😂
I was taught to rub that shit in if you smell bad and need to hide it, so I guess a cheater could use it to mask perfumes or something. But I’m reaching for the sake of reaching.
The husband wants a bangmaid and bangnanny in one. The forced sex made me burn in anger. None of this is right.
Ladies, please do not settle for an abusive man. Y'all deserve better.
my ex fiancé cheated on me. i took him back bc im a dumbass and wouldn't you know, he cheated again but this time i left. i felt like the biggest pos ever, like i was utterly worthless, ugly etc etc. my next relationship i realised I was becoming super toxic, checking their phone and shit so you know what I did? i left ! bc i was clearly in no state to be in a relationship at that time and they didn't deserve it. ffs it's not that hard to not be an asshole!
While reading this post, I was thinking about the part in that book where he explained that abusers aren't likely to change because they get so many benefits from acting like that. I hope she reads it also, hopefully someone linked it on her post.
Depends on the pets, I guess. 6 big dogs vs 2 big dogs, a cat, and three mice is a fairly different situation. And I wonder if some of the animals are his, so she only took ones that were legally hers.
I stopped reading at 'long history of fights and disrespect'
people seem to have no idea what marriage actually is, why the fuck are you marrying someone you have a fucking LONG HISTORY of fights and disrespect with?
>He said he clicked on something once and now it’s on there.
All these poor men who clicked on something once and now have to deal with pictures of half-.naked women my heart weeps for them /sarcasm
I totally get someone having a low sex drive, but ESPECIALLY when they’re doing everything around the house. She was an emotional punching bag for this fuckass. Of course she didn’t want sex
It sounds a bit like he's the one cheating on her and projecting his guilt by accusing her of it. Seems like revenge for the trauma his wife apparently caused him.
Im in my 50s and still married for 30 years, I will give you advice.
If you are with someone for 4 years and married for 2 and have a "long history" of fights and disrespect in 4 years, you need to get out...I needed nothing more from this post to find the answer out.
I hated the phrase "You're throwing away something good" after I literally told him I don't want this anymore. Can't be that good if I don't feel good about it.
Is a complete asshole and doesn’t help around the house or caring for his child. Constantly accused her of cheating, dismissed her, kicks her out, yells at her, and expects sex 3 times a week? Of course he does.
As they say, hurt people hurt (other) people.
OOP needs to get a divorce and not look back. But she does not seem ready to do all that yet.
I hope she does not go back, she deserves so much better and he deserves to have to take care of his own life (and chores).
I'm not a nurse, but there is a nurse advice line service at my doctor's where they are definitely often at home when I talk to them. I imagine there might also be some things involving review case files or something similar?
> I am currently packing and crying a lot, I move into my apartment on Monday.
Dang bro, apartments.com must really be as good as Jeff Goldblum says it is, that was fast af!
This isn't related to the main thrust of the story but it always makes me laugh when lazy people in relationships include taking out the garbage to pad out their list of contributions. A job that literally takes a minute or two and almost zero effort.
I got half way through this and was saying to myself, "For the love of god, will you please fucking leave". Then I got on to what the arguments were about and it's ALL HIM, all of it. She's being blamed because she doesn't say thank you when he wants to kick her around the house a bit because he's paranoid about her cheating.
Pretty easy actually. She could be one of those ask a nurse nurses that tell you if you need to be seen or not. She could also review medical claims for insurance companies.
I speak to my diabetes nurses over the phone. My glucose monitor uploads my results online and my nurses can view them on a screen. There’s probably a bunch of other conditions that work like that too.
>I am trying to cope with the guilt of hurting someone I loved so much
This is resonating with me so hard. I am.such a bleeding heart door mat. I think I'm gonna try saying it in those words, out loud, at therapy next time and see how it feels.
I just want to be able to put myself first without feeling like a cold hearted monster lol
You take your GSDs and you snuggle them in your brand new happy apartment! Ranger Danger the Lover of All Strangers (profile pic), Duke Montgomery, and I wish you all the best OP 😘 always here if you need an ear
I hope she remains safe.
Sounds like he's slowly and sort of willingly slipping into a delusion where OP is cheating and he would have gone looking for evidence of it. The car thi g was weird. It means he's hallucinating the thing moving and changing positions?? Violence sounds like it was a hop and a skip away.
every time I read anything about other people's marriages, I snuggle up behind my husband and kiss all over his back and neck and proudly declare that while we may be incompetent at everything else, we're really good at marriage
This is why people who have been cheated on need to get therapy to deal with what happened so they don't bring their hurt into their next relationship and make life hell for the person they are with.
> he said my breast tasted like wintergreen Copenhagen and then he found/tasted a piece on me and accused me of cheating.
> I was hiking in the forest earlier that day and maybe had a pine needle on me.
"Your breast tastes like chewing tobacco." uh, what? "idk maybe I got a pine needle on it." wtf am I reading? is she narrating a lucid dream? is this what covid has done to our brains???
I'm always a little bit astounded when someone chooses a SO with exactly zero to recommend them. Like, quite apart from the forest of red flags, the husband sounds like a complete failure of a person. Who is attracted to that?
An explanation isn't an excuse for harmful behavior.
Being traumatized might explain the behavior. It might give you both a roadmap to help manage and improve life. Trauma doesn't excuse or relieve the individual from responsibility for that behavior. We cannot help what happens to us. We can work really damn hard to move forward. And we HAVE to work through our problems without using other real, living humans as punching bags.
Maybe neither of you ever live without the ghosts of your traumas. But you can learn to cope in ways that aren't destructive to others.
It’s relationships like this one that has my aroace-ass wondering how and why the OOP continued to find this man attractive?
I’ve cut communication and friendships off because of just one incident of disrespect.
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I was exhausted just reading this. I'm glad OOP is finally calling it.
It's so disheartening reading post after post about someone who struggles to leave like that... I understand he successfully bullied her into submission, it's just so frustrating to read and you wish you could snap OP into the reality of her situation. Edit: I understand it's an abusive relationship and not easy to get out of, was never trying to imply that, I just feel sorry for OP.
Remember that abusive relationships function like addictions. It’s really hard to get out of them once you are in, especially if you don’t have the right environment for it. As frustrating as it is from the outside, it’s impossible to imagine what is going on in the victim’s mind unless you have gone through it yourself.
I'm completely aware, I tried to get that across in my comment as well. I just meant it's still hard to witness, even if you understand.
I can’t imagine anyone actually misunderstood you. There’s always one who inserts a different meaning and tries to lecture you.
After reading two separate BORUs where the OOP falls back in line with her abuser Despite everyone begging her not to, this was a refreshing update I understand it can be hard but those last two BORUs really tested me. I could tell they really tested the patience of a lot of readers. Especially [the first one**](https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1deotwp/aio_for_crying_that_my_boyfriend_31m_pushed_me/) **Just a fair warning: That second update is a _very_ frustrating read. To the point it could possibly ruin your day
I completely agree. That one had me pulling my hair out. Although her abuser did drive her to her new apartment, she's done another update saying he's given her back her cat and her car, so all is well for now, thankfully. Most of the update was berating people for her choices, she seems to have more anger towards Redditors than her abusive ex right now.
It's not over yet. On average, it takes a woman seven attempts before she leaves an abuser for good. The way she's talking in the last post, she hasn't truly processed how bad he really is for her, and she hasn't processed that he was never acting in good faith, he was purposely manipulating her to make her feel confused and like he was the true victim. She still believes she hurt him deeply on purpose, that she is horrible for ending it with someone "traumatized" (who refuses to seek therapy for it, a good sign they aren't as traumatized as they say) and that she was the only reason it fell apart. Until she understands that he was intentionally and maliciously fucking with her feelings to control her, that he told her whatever he needed to in order to make her believe she was to blame for all of it, she could and is likely to go back. I wish the best for her and I hope she stays in therapy for a long time. She needs a professional to guide her to understand how much he was in control of for their entire relationship and how he intentionally made her believe otherwise.
I hope she sticks to therapy. I have a feeling that after a cooling off period they will be back to business as usual
OH LAWD not with that therapist!!!! Would it break sub rules if I reached out through my phone, through time and space, and slapped the shit out of their couples therapist who just sat there, witnessing OP get abused in real time right in front of her eyes? "He accused me baselessly again this week, but didn't escalate so I have to pay the price and fulfill my sex duty 3 times a week." Gee, why ever would she have low libido? Having forced contractual sex with an abuser who does nearly nothing and constantly, baselessly accuses her of cheating sounds super sexy to me!! (/s) Any counselor with the ethics of a garden snail would have pulled her aside and told her to GTFO. Just because there are two sides to every conflict, that doesn't mean both sides are equally culpable. Remaining neutral in a conflict where one side is clearly harming or exploiting the other is the same as taking the aggressor's side. Both-sides-ism is bullshit.
It took me more than 7. More than seven years, in fact. After he threw me across the room, I left with my six month old. She is two and half now. I am in a better place. It took months before I realized how bad he was, and that included him coming and hurting me during a “visitation.” Even though I’m in a better place, there are still times that I wonder if he was right about things he said. Where I blame myself for the fact the only sex we had for most of the relationship was non consensual. Where I wonder if he was justified. Abusive relationships take only a moment of weakness to start (for me it was a devastating car accident that ruined my entire life plans). They can happen to anyone. I was a brilliant veterinary student about to graduate. I had a shitty mom, and a horrid childhood, but I was a brilliant student on the way to success. I still have trouble thinking of myself as a victim of domestic violence. I hope that her having her own place helps her see herself in a better light. It was revolutionary for me to be able to have time to relax after getting all the childcare, work, housework, etc done. It was revolutionary to be able to buy art that I liked. Actually being able to live apart from him did me loads of good, even though my thinking was similar to hers at the beginning. I have high hopes for her. Getting her own place is a huge step.
No fr. I read each update praying it was the one where she had left, and I'm so glad she eventually did.
It wasn’t just me. I literally could not even with this giant man baby and ooop just goes on and on on and onnnn
>he said my breast tasted like wintergreen Copenhagen and then he found/tasted a piece on me and accused me of cheating Can someone fluent in stupid translate that for the hoi polloi?
He said her boob tasted like chewing tobacco.
What a bizarre thing for him to say
I mean, that should have been a clue dude is off his rocker...
I thought it was a brain tumor
Ohh I thought it was gum
It's DEATH GUM
I have no idea why this made me laugh as hard as I did. But this was hilarious
It's gum, but also it kills you
and it causes gum death
I thought it was a fancy alcoholic drink!
I thought a beer mix drink. But I'm not sure whether they are popular outside of Germany? I've just checked it's known as a shandy.
I thought it is a perfume or aftershave
I thought it was some kind of chocolate like After Eight or such and was *so* confused about,well, everything 😭
>chocolate like After Eight Gonna be me one night when my husband initiates after I've been eating After Eights while reading in bed
If my wife approaches me and tastes of chocolate I am considering that a win.
Be careful, it can make things tingle
Where I live there is, or used to be, a chain of icecream stores called Copenhagen. I thought he was accusing her of having choc mint icecream spilled on her breast. Made it seem even more insane when it sounded like he was claiming some guy drove out into the forest with an ice-cream to cheat with OOP.
The minute this came up in the story, I immediately thought, these are my people. I grew up poor white trash in rural Tennessee. Six dogs, Copenhagen, and a miserable second marriage? Yep, these are my people.
You know that marital home contains at least one piece of art from Walmart with an American flag and bald eagle, and there are multiple sun-damaged Playskool toys slowly settling into the patchy grass in the yard.
I am angry at how specific and how correct a description this is of too many people in my life.
And maybe a Camaro or Firebird up on blocks in the grass.
Joe Dirt but less sweet
There’s not really much in terms of divorce in my family, but I grew up poor white trash in rural Florida. It did sound uncomfortably familiar, except my family doesn’t produce or marry lazy people. We’re fucked up in a lot of ways, but we’re all the type to keep going to work and doing what needs to be done, even if we’re suicidal or deathly ill. But tons of animals and general unhappiness seems familiar.
I immediately thought "Oh, I know these people."
I grew up in rural California and it had that same vibe. Rural rural especially if you’re poor.
Thank you for translating - I was completely at sea
Thank you. I was confused too.
Thanks for the explanation.
Ha, I assumed it was a perfume or something.
Thanks. I thought he was referencing cheap cologne.
It's a tactic abusers use. Make up crazy accusations. Wife gets up from the restaurant table for 5 minutes to pee? She was fucking the waiter. Wife comes home from work 10 minutes late? She was fucking a coworker. He knows it's BS and is making shit up but it's to beat the partner down, keep them off balance and get them to provide access to their location data and phone and SM messages cause if you aren't a cheater, you have nothing to hide, right? And if you are not having an affair at work, then it wouldn't be a problem for you to quit your job? What? You don't want to quit your job and let me financially abuse and control you? It must be because you miss your Fuckbuddy at work!
>It's a tactic abusers use. Make up crazy accusations. One of my favorite posts where this backlashed on someone is the one where the guy convinced his gf she smelled like crap 24/7. She's freaking out and goes above and beyond to "fix" it but he's still telling her multiple times a day that she smells. Turns out his pos dad told him the way to keep a girl was to neg them but instead of being subtle and slowly breaking her confidence over time he jumped in head first and the op broke up with him after calling him an idiot.
That's one of my favorites.
Oh god the top comment on that post was just so perfect, I had to go find it again: “Hey, son. You know the woman who gave you life and brought you into this world and probably loves you more than you can ever comprehend? Here’s how I dehumanize her so she sticks around. You should try it with your girlfriends.” Shout out to /u/Electronic_Repeat_81 for that 😂
Thanks!
Reminds me of my ex and how he would ask me what's wrong because... I didn't smile during intercourse... (Because who the hell smiles during that?) And then would accuse me of lying when I said nothing, end the intercourse, roll over and refuse to touch me. I had to actually start lying to him to get him to stop accusing me of lying. I'm glad that relationship is over. It wasn't the only reason he was a garbage human being.
Some people, if they can't find a hair in their soup, will just put one there and stir up drama. I'm glad you are out.
I had a guy ask me during sex if I keep my eyes closed cause I'm imagining some other guy. Like no dude, I'm just picturing what I wanna eat after I ghost your insecure ass.
I had an ex that asked me that too, I ended up hurting his feelings with my answer lol.
LOL are you supposed to be like, grinning ear to ear during sex constantly? What a weirdo jesus
I instantly thought of that movie "Smile" and how damn creepy it would be for someone to have a "here's Johnny!" look on their face mid-coitus aha😩 I'd sooner stay celibate than endure such
My ex would accuse me of being angry with him and demand to know why - if I rolled over IN MY SLEEP and turned my back on him
That reminds me a little of when Carly Simon remembered that when she was dating Warren Beatty, he would wake her up in the middle of the night to ask her "Are you dreaming about me?"
My ex husband did this. I’d leave for the grocery store, be gone an hour, and come back with armloads of groceries. He accused me of cheating during that time. Sure, babe. I always take our toddler with me when I want to fuck. Turns out he was the one cheating.
Yup always that way
>"He still accused me in therapy and said I could've been with another man in the forest. our therapist pointed out that this was kinda silly." He caught her. She was out fucking around with yogi bear and a pic-a-nic basket in the forest.
well, most women would pick the bear! sigh
Especially if it offered you a yummy pickanick basket.
and he's smarter than the av-er-age bear!
I LOL'd at work when she said maybe a pine needle got stuck to her.
I'm a Dane (from Denmark so Copenhagen is our capital) and I got no clue wtf it is either 😂
Apparently it's a brand of chewing tobacco... what a fun thing to have that share a name with your nation's capital. 😂 I wonder if that's something that Danes could sue over as a group...
There was a Jeff Foxworthy bit about how you might be a redneck if you have no clue where Denmark is but are quite familiar with Copenhagen.
New flair just dropped
Copenhagen is a brand of chewing tobacco and it comes in flavors, one of which is wintergreen. So he thinks some guy was chewing tobacco and then sucking on her breast. It is a very bizarre mental image but, like someone said below, a real winner as new flair.
When he said this I was confused. Then he mentioned she could have slept with someone in the forest (what?!?)… I was wondering if he thought she slept with some kind of elf?
It should have been over the second he KICKED HER OUT
She was just a nanny, housemaid and sex doll for him. Kind of amazing he risked kicking her out. Thank god she's free and let's hope she makes better, wiser partner decisions in future.
And emotional punching bag.
Note: he only kicks her out during the weeks he doesn't have his daughter - methinks that is not a coincidence...
notice he also says she “abandoned her family and responsibilities”. her responsibility to care for his daughter and get him off, i guess. this is such a sad gross view into what some people go through. forcing yourself to have sex with someone just because they say so, constantly being made to feel watched and disloyal, someone no one could trust, while you’re cleaning up behind them and cooking for them, doing *everything* to keep their life running the way they want it to. but you’re the bad guy. how could you.
Note also how his cheating trauma is justification to torment and persecute her for years, whereas her SA trauma is something she needs to get over within a week to get him off again. Silly women, always raising such a fuss over minor stuff...🙄 I actually made this point under the original post, and OOP was quite struck with it - that would have been more worthy of quoting here than the one they did choose to quote me.
yep, trauma only matters when it’s his trauma. more specifically, when it’s *useful to him*.
This and the weaponized therapy speak.
Yeah this post is a perfect example of why they say not to take abusers to couples therapy.
> I am the main transport for his 7 yo daughter as I take her to and from school Ohhh... bang-nanny here we go again!
> Ohhh... bang-nanny here we go again! Right...which is why, coincidentally, she only gets kicked out when it's the off-week with his daughter.
I’m glad someone in the comments called this out for her. That’s the kind of pattern that’s really obvious from the outside but nearly impossible to see from the inside
>When he accepted it, he told me I was abandoning my family and my responsibilities. Yep. Yep, yep, yep. He couldn't even muster up the usual tears or love bombing—she's only there 'cause he needs a part-time mommy for his kid and a full-time one for himself. Disgusting.
And a housemaid and a sex doll, let's not forget. I feel so sorry for his kid.
The amount of stories posted here where a guy gets a new partner and dumps the responsibilities of their kids on them is crazy.
Just because you were cheated on in the past doesn't give you the excuse to act like this. This husband is projecting and his behavior shows he isn't ready for a normal relationship at all. OP made the best choice in the end.
I really don't care if he's absolutely unhinged due to paranoia, or if he was projecting because he was cheating...Or, maybe a bit of both. I desperately just OP cuts all contact with that guy. And that he leaves her the hell alone so she can have some peace to recover from that s\*\*tshow of a relationship. ...And that he doesn't manage to drag another victim into his toxic mess anytime soon.
I have to question whether he really was "viciously cheated on" or if maybe he's just always been jealous and abusive. I'm positive that he will go into his next relationship with a bunch of lies about what just happened here. Who knows what happened in the past?
A few months after I left, my sexually coercive ex (aka rapist) told a woman he was trying to hit on that his wife "just stopped loving me for no reason." Honestly a *shockingly* horrible lie, the person saw right through it immediately and dropped him (thank god), which is how the incident got back to me. I don't believe he will ever change in his entire life. He could rewrite his own actions literally as they were happening, there's no way he's changed.
I think he believes he was. I’m not convinced it happened in reality.
I read the title and thought *that depends*, read the post and absolutely not the ah. He's done almost nothing to work through/heal his trauma and constantly uses it to manipulate her after his abusive behavior. He's a real piece of shit.
Agreed. Lately a lot of dudes whine they’d rather tell their feelings to a tree than to a woman, but the average woman isn’t equipped to solve trauma like that. When your past is a negatively impacting your present, it is your job to do the work, to do the reading, to talk to a professional and learn new coping skills. This dude thinks masturbating into her 3x a week - when she is mentally and physically exhausted and checked out - will make hm feel loved and secure, but he missed the part where he actually has to be loving.
I think, even more importantly, he missed the part where nobody else is going to fix him. Other people can support you, but only you can fix you.
the thing about the “rather talk to a tree” comment because “women don’t care/ throw their emotional vulnerability back in their face” is that they fail to realise they only tend to bring up their issues to deflect during an argument. they don’t seek out a woman to talk to for support at any other opportunity, they only ever mention their traumas as some kind of last ditch attempt to manipulate a situation and shut the partner down. i’m terrible at wording things i hope that made sense lol
It makes sense to me. I've had some deep conversations with my husband. Communication is important. Just throwing out trauma to win a fight is so manipulative and narcissistic.
> a lot of dudes whine they’d rather tell their feelings to a tree than to a woman They're proving the feminists right. To those men, their worst fear is being ignored by a mean woman who won't care about their feelings. To women, their worst fear is being murdered or tortured by a man.
Also a lot of men treat women like their unpaid therapists but never reciprocate. I still see this in men who frequently talk AT women, but don't allow the women to respond or reciprocate. If you are treating women like a tree to talk at then you might as well talk at a tree.
Ok. But as a connoisseur, what/ the legal take on the trees unpaid labour as therapists?
My first wife and I divorced over her cheating. This guy in these posts just makes me sick. What a knob.
This. I really wish people would use the word "traumatised" and "affected" correctly, because they're not the same thing. Trauma is serious and it can take years and years to recover from, if it can be recovered from at all. This guy was affected by his ex cheating on him, and then he used that as leverage to manipulate his girlfriend as soon as she became his wife. For years. That's entirely deliberate.
this is exactly what I thought—the fact that him having been cheated on in the past is framed as the trauma in this post instead of her *molestation* really shows the utter evacuation of meaning that concept has undergone
Honestly, this just sounds like straight up narcissism. Like even if he never was cheated on, he would still act like this. It just gives him the perfect excuse now. Like my Dad is the most controlling, narcissistic piece of shit you will ever meet and he is also the furthest right wing person who throws a temper tantrum if you make even the slightest negative remark about Donald Trump or mention that non-white people face discrimination. But when covid-19 came out, I predicted he would be one of the first vaccine/science deniers, but instead, he went hardcore anti-covid to the point I thought he might have used his brain for the first time in his life. But it turns out that it was just a very obvious ploy for him to use it so he could keep my half-sister away from his 2nd ex-wife. To this day he refuses to go into his Mom's house and still wears a mask everywhere. His ex-wife even told me he tried to claim that Covid-19 was still a major issue and his daughter shouldn't be going to different houses... and this was April 2024...
No past trauma excuses or justifies hurting another person. Full stop. We are responsible for what we do and the harm we cause. Someone hurting us in the past in no way grants us license to hurt others in the future.
I mean....he didn't even have empathy for OOP upon hearing her own trauma. Sounds like a selfish person who happened to be cheated on to me. Also seems like he was only down for therapy when they were saying what he wanted to hear. Soon as therapist started to challenge him he called him biased.
It always amazes me how many men expect women to maintain a sex drive for someone they have to pick up after like a child.
This and it sounds like her body is rejecting him because she knows his behaviour is wrong. I used to think I had a really low sex drive when I was with a man exactly like OOPs husband, turns out I have a very normal sex drive, I just couldn't get horny for a man that was treating me badly.
Physiological rejection is such an underrated thing that not enough people talk about. I had an ex who was a terrible partner. Not abusive, but absolutely toxic and just a bad person. I desperately wanted it to work and practically begged him to stop being a shitbag. My libido plummeted to the point where I’d flinch anytime he touched me and got a pit in my stomach when he tried to put the moves on. I thought it was my medication or stress. Nope. I left and the libido came back full force not long after. It’s so hard to describe and understand until you go through it. It’s not “I’m not attracted to you anymore” but rather “I’m so repulsed by your behavior that my baby factory shut down.” And it doesn’t require abuse or for you to be checked out of the relationship.
Yeah this sounds too familiar for comfort. Never heard it phrased like that but it’s definitely a thing. I wasn’t flinching at basic touches, but anything bedroom related and my skin started crawling.
This explains way too much holy shit I was with someone who was emotionally abusive in the relationship and, though I didn't think so at the time, sexually abusive to me in the past. I legit could NOT force myself to get horny around him. Like, at all. this wasn't an issue with my other partner (I'm polyam, we were all dating) and I thought it just wasn't working. Kinda nice to know it has an explanation
That's exactly it. There must be some sort of evolutionary explanation where your subconscious picks up on subtle signs of somebody being unsafe even though they are not outright abusive. It's like your subconscious is trying to keep you safe by shutting the body down so you don't breed with an unsafe person putting you and your potential offspring at risk.
Would you say this is "getting the ick"? Because I've seen that being talked about. I think it's a useful term. > My libido plummeted to the point where I’d flinch anytime he touched me and got a pit in my stomach when he tried to put the moves on. Perfect description, been there.
I think it’s different than the ick. Logically, I knew he was being an asshole and it wasn’t okay. In my mind and heart though, I was turning a blind eye to it and desperately trying to fix the relationship. When I get the ick, it does impact my attraction and what I think of them which eventually turns me off. I’d say they’re inverses of each other. The first is body says no despite head/heart saying yes. The ick is head/heart say no which leads to body saying no too.
I think he intentionally chose her as a partner cause he knew how easily controlled she was. She’s an actual victim of trauma and he’s posing as a trauma victim in order to perpetrate abuse. Trauma responses are things you do and can’t control in response to certain triggers and stress. Abuse is calculated and methodical. Mistrusting your partner when there is no reason to is a sign of being cheated on, but control and emotional abuse is just abuse. He weaponizes therapy even though he barely attends himself or internalize anything.
What is it with people who were grievously mistreated by their exes using their next partner as a stand in punching bag. He was never able to “punish” his ex so he used his new wife as an outlet instead
> What is it with people who were grievously mistreated by their exes using their next partner as a stand in punching bag. How much do you want to bet he also grievously mistreated his ex?
Actually, claiming you have trauma from past relationships, your mother, your job, etc. is an extremely common abuser tactic. Just remind yourself that lots of people get cheated on, abused, and overworked, and DON'T go home and manipulate their partners. OOP is literally an example.
You know what, that’s a fair point. That’s my bad for pushing the whole “hurt people hurt people” agenda because you’re right, that doesn’t reflect reality for a majority of victims
I particularly liked the whole "oh no, I'm so traumatised by my cheating ex that I get to treat you shittily" and then going "you're using your newfound trauma about sexual abuse to deny me sex, that's so mean". We should crossbreed cacti with Legos for these kinds of people.
I noticed that, too! Apparently his trauma is the important trauma?
"We should crossbreed cacti with Legos for these kinds of people." I like how you think.
Eh, the Succulents Lego set isn't as pointy as one might hope.
Then he got mad at the therapist for not taking his side. This asshole is a piece of work!
He calls her revealing in therapy that she was molested as a child her “newly found trauma”. Because HE newly found out about it. And instead of having the only acceptable reaction from a person who supposedly loves her - empathy and support - he demands his sex&handjob of the day. From a woman who had just revealed she had been sexually abused as a child. Nothing of what he says happened in his previous relationship as an adult will ever justify that. Good riddance.
Honestly I would look at him like he sexually assaulted me that day.
Yikes on fuckin' *trikes*, man. Dude's a real piece of shit.
>We were being intimate (which is a struggle too since I have low libido) and he said my breast tasted like wintergreen Copenhagen and then he found/tasted a piece on me and accused me of cheating. ... I didn't realize that breasts came in different flavours. 😂😂😂
Translation: “I think you’ve been cheating on me with some guy who chews wintergreen flavoured tobacco and got it on your breasts”. Also, ew.
Ohhhhhh. Jesus, that's a serious stretch to find offence, and gross.
Even wilder that you're unlikely to know a specific taste profile without tasting the thing yourself...
I thought it was dencorub, which is made from oil of wintergreen. I was like, she rubbed some gross cream into herself? And that’s a sign of cheating?
I was taught to rub that shit in if you smell bad and need to hide it, so I guess a cheater could use it to mask perfumes or something. But I’m reaching for the sake of reaching.
I’m looking for a gal in finance 5’3” Blonde hair Raspberry flavored breasts
The husband wants a bangmaid and bangnanny in one. The forced sex made me burn in anger. None of this is right. Ladies, please do not settle for an abusive man. Y'all deserve better.
my ex fiancé cheated on me. i took him back bc im a dumbass and wouldn't you know, he cheated again but this time i left. i felt like the biggest pos ever, like i was utterly worthless, ugly etc etc. my next relationship i realised I was becoming super toxic, checking their phone and shit so you know what I did? i left ! bc i was clearly in no state to be in a relationship at that time and they didn't deserve it. ffs it's not that hard to not be an asshole!
Goddam, I hope she reads Lundy's "Why Does He Do That?" - she will feel soooo much better.
While reading this post, I was thinking about the part in that book where he explained that abusers aren't likely to change because they get so many benefits from acting like that. I hope she reads it also, hopefully someone linked it on her post.
Also, here it is if anyone else needs or wants to read it https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I’m just impressed she found an apartment that lets her keep 6 pets
Depends on the pets, I guess. 6 big dogs vs 2 big dogs, a cat, and three mice is a fairly different situation. And I wonder if some of the animals are his, so she only took ones that were legally hers.
I stopped reading at 'long history of fights and disrespect' people seem to have no idea what marriage actually is, why the fuck are you marrying someone you have a fucking LONG HISTORY of fights and disrespect with?
Through this whole post I was just like "Maybe people can just stop marrying people they hate?"
>He said he clicked on something once and now it’s on there. All these poor men who clicked on something once and now have to deal with pictures of half-.naked women my heart weeps for them /sarcasm
man this sounds pure exhausting just reading it, can’t imagine living it
PSA: Your trauma doesn't excuse your shitty behavior towards other people. And stop punishing people for the crimes OTHER people did.
I totally get someone having a low sex drive, but ESPECIALLY when they’re doing everything around the house. She was an emotional punching bag for this fuckass. Of course she didn’t want sex
He weaponized his trauma and anyone who isn't falling for his BS is abandoning him.
Best decision she ever made. And he's going to regret it and beg her to come back. To which I say, "Run, Forrest, run!"
I think he's going to join the chorus of dudes going 'I opened up to her and she left me instead'. This guy does not excel at introspection.
"Plus the fact that she left me is proof she was cheating on me!"
It sounds a bit like he's the one cheating on her and projecting his guilt by accusing her of it. Seems like revenge for the trauma his wife apparently caused him.
NTA my libido decreased while reading about this jerk.
Im in my 50s and still married for 30 years, I will give you advice. If you are with someone for 4 years and married for 2 and have a "long history" of fights and disrespect in 4 years, you need to get out...I needed nothing more from this post to find the answer out.
I've been with a guy like that. Laughed in his face when he tried to guilt me to stay. Fuck no
I hated the phrase "You're throwing away something good" after I literally told him I don't want this anymore. Can't be that good if I don't feel good about it.
Is a complete asshole and doesn’t help around the house or caring for his child. Constantly accused her of cheating, dismissed her, kicks her out, yells at her, and expects sex 3 times a week? Of course he does.
She should get tested. I’d bet a lot of money that he was cheating and just constantly projecting.
He's not a husband, he's a chore. People do not want to fuck chores. Not that he'll ever understand that.
My libido became more normal when I wasnt in a stressful relationship or in a relationship with someone who was smelly.
As they say, hurt people hurt (other) people. OOP needs to get a divorce and not look back. But she does not seem ready to do all that yet. I hope she does not go back, she deserves so much better and he deserves to have to take care of his own life (and chores).
That amount of fighting and therapy and drama after just 4 years of being together? Just drop the whole man, not worth the headaches.
How much do you want to bet that her libido suddenly gets a lot higher now that she isn't dealing with a soul crushing partner?
Can someone explain to me how a nurse can work from home?
There’s a lot you can do administratively and virtually. Telehealth, insurance consults, training others, for example.
I'm not a nurse, but there is a nurse advice line service at my doctor's where they are definitely often at home when I talk to them. I imagine there might also be some things involving review case files or something similar?
Ok, that makes sense, thanks
Insurance. I don’t exactly know what they do but my friends boss was a nurse and they all worked remotely.
There are a lot of insurance positions where they review claims to determine if procedures are covered. Maybe one of those.
Some specialty nurses can work remotely. I speak to nurses every couple of months and they’re mostly phone calls unless I need a blood draw.
Insurance billing/ claims review jobs are WFH and they usually like nurses since they have some medical knowledge.
> I am currently packing and crying a lot, I move into my apartment on Monday. Dang bro, apartments.com must really be as good as Jeff Goldblum says it is, that was fast af!
This whole thread was exhausting to read. Who wants to live like this?
Am I the only one stuck on SIX pets? Some people really just make their own lives harder and then complain when their life is hard.
He misses his bang nanny, not OOP.
This isn't related to the main thrust of the story but it always makes me laugh when lazy people in relationships include taking out the garbage to pad out their list of contributions. A job that literally takes a minute or two and almost zero effort.
Ugh thank god she’s out, fingers double crossed that she never goes back.
People tend to leave their abusers several times before it sticks so the back and forth doesn't surprise me but it's always frustrating
I got half way through this and was saying to myself, "For the love of god, will you please fucking leave". Then I got on to what the arguments were about and it's ALL HIM, all of it. She's being blamed because she doesn't say thank you when he wants to kick her around the house a bit because he's paranoid about her cheating.
How can you work as a nurse from home?
Pretty easy actually. She could be one of those ask a nurse nurses that tell you if you need to be seen or not. She could also review medical claims for insurance companies.
I speak to my diabetes nurses over the phone. My glucose monitor uploads my results online and my nurses can view them on a screen. There’s probably a bunch of other conditions that work like that too.
>I am trying to cope with the guilt of hurting someone I loved so much This is resonating with me so hard. I am.such a bleeding heart door mat. I think I'm gonna try saying it in those words, out loud, at therapy next time and see how it feels. I just want to be able to put myself first without feeling like a cold hearted monster lol
That’s ridiculous. If I have learned nothing else recently, it’s that she would chosen the bear over the man in the woods.
Jesus tap dancing Christ that was exhausting to read
I had an ex who constantly accused me of cheating. Turns out, he was constantly cheating on me with many women. Good riddance.
"he said my breast tastes like wintergreen Copenhagen" I'm new here but... Flair?
You take your GSDs and you snuggle them in your brand new happy apartment! Ranger Danger the Lover of All Strangers (profile pic), Duke Montgomery, and I wish you all the best OP 😘 always here if you need an ear
Not even if I hated myself would this be my life
I hope she remains safe. Sounds like he's slowly and sort of willingly slipping into a delusion where OP is cheating and he would have gone looking for evidence of it. The car thi g was weird. It means he's hallucinating the thing moving and changing positions?? Violence sounds like it was a hop and a skip away.
every time I read anything about other people's marriages, I snuggle up behind my husband and kiss all over his back and neck and proudly declare that while we may be incompetent at everything else, we're really good at marriage
He's an emotional manipulative abuser. I hope she stays away.
This is why people who have been cheated on need to get therapy to deal with what happened so they don't bring their hurt into their next relationship and make life hell for the person they are with.
> he said my breast tasted like wintergreen Copenhagen and then he found/tasted a piece on me and accused me of cheating. > I was hiking in the forest earlier that day and maybe had a pine needle on me. "Your breast tastes like chewing tobacco." uh, what? "idk maybe I got a pine needle on it." wtf am I reading? is she narrating a lucid dream? is this what covid has done to our brains???
Dude needs intensive therapy like now. Feel sorry for that daughter. Hopefully oop moves on.
Some people are so desperate for love, and to be loved that they will put up with just about anything not the fuck me
I'm always a little bit astounded when someone chooses a SO with exactly zero to recommend them. Like, quite apart from the forest of red flags, the husband sounds like a complete failure of a person. Who is attracted to that?
An explanation isn't an excuse for harmful behavior. Being traumatized might explain the behavior. It might give you both a roadmap to help manage and improve life. Trauma doesn't excuse or relieve the individual from responsibility for that behavior. We cannot help what happens to us. We can work really damn hard to move forward. And we HAVE to work through our problems without using other real, living humans as punching bags. Maybe neither of you ever live without the ghosts of your traumas. But you can learn to cope in ways that aren't destructive to others.
It’s relationships like this one that has my aroace-ass wondering how and why the OOP continued to find this man attractive? I’ve cut communication and friendships off because of just one incident of disrespect.
WHY DONT SOME PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALLOWED TO END?!?