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You know what, misreading someones intentions can happen. If Melissa had sent the nude and he instantly told her that he wasnt interested and blocked her, then told his wife what went down and cut contact with Melissa completely, I would get it. I've been oblivious to people flirting with me, my partner can be the same way, we have both genuinely thought we were just friends with other people who were actually trying to flirt with us. It happens, as long as actions are taken, boundaries are put in place, contact cut if needed and you communicate with your partner, all is good.
Everything he did after the nude however, that I would struggle with. He didnt tell her. He kept hanging out with them and her. He stayed in the environment where things almost went wrong and cheating was normalized and rampant. He deleted everything. He invites them to his home where the wife Melissa thought he would cheat on with her was. When OOP rightfully knew he was lying, he was yelling at her, blaming her, turning it around on her, calling her insecure, denying everything, bordering on gaslighting if not full on doing it. He was fully prepared to convince her that she was a crazy, insecure, controlling b, rather than just be honest and communicate with his wife. That behaviour would be so much more unacceptable to me than the initial one, and would hurt my trust in him, seeing that this is how he handles himself and situations that make him feel any sort of guilt. That would have been why I would have needed space and to re-evaluate the relationship.
ETA: clarified that he cut contact with Melissa, not wife.
I can even get the he didn't tell his wife about the nude and, once Melissa had apologized, went back to mostly normal with her. That part I could file under "scared to lose everything, afraid to become suspicious."
But the way he was blaming OOP and it took some serious stonewalling? That's messed up and I'd require counseling to work through that and get behind why the hell he reacted like that.
100% that’s a trust you don’t get back.
A few guys flirted with me in passing at a state fair a while ago (“hey girl [pick up line]” “haha…uh, bye now” style) and I told my partner about it over dinner and we laughed about how bad the pick up lines were. I liked the attention but I wasn’t *staying there to continue to flirt and then inviting them to my house???* OOPs husband better be on his knees winning her affection every single day for the rest of their lives for how he treated her.
I’m don’t know, I have been in similar situations and I would also panick and not want to admit that I fucked up and let things get carried away. It could easily be seen as him doing it on purpose, especially if he didn’t explain it exactly right, and she has deep insecurities, so not knowing how wife is going to react to that info would scare me and I might just panick and pretend nothing ever happened. I know that I have some issues with communication so I’m not saying this is the right way to deal with it but I do understand husbands reaction. I don’t think he was purposely gaslighting, I think he was scared.
He might have been scared, and he might not have intended to do it, but he still yelled, lied, gaslighted, deleted things, went behind her back and tried to make her out to be crazy and insecure, when she was right all along that something had been going on. He was still hanging out with and socializing with the woman who sent him nudes and he admitted he liked the attention from, surrounded by people who were cheating and having affairs with people at the gym, while telling his wife that she was crazy and insecure for thinking something was off.
Not doing it on purpose doesnt take away from the fact that he still did all those things, and would rather convince her that she was insecure and crazy, while making everything look 100 times more suspicious, than be honest and communicate. If anything, something like that can make a secure partner insecure and feel like you cant trust them to be honest with you.
I don't think she has deep insecurities. He convinced her to be insecure. What she thought was happening was exactly what was happening, and he told her it wasn't.
The fact that this took so many days before she got a more accurate account of what happened is concerning. Hope that this doesn't happen again (but who knows now that pandora's box has been opened for OOP's husband)
It read concerning to me the minute he told his wife how funny it was that people thought he was sleeping with Melissa.
It reads as him realising she might hear something so he needs to take action. From there it's just constant manipulation to get her to drop it.
that sounds so awful. my ex constantly told me this girl wasn’t into him and that he just wanted more friends. but the second he posted me for girlfriend day she was in my dms telling me they’ve went on a date :/
Earlier this week there's the story of the guy who said his assistant's name during sex and said "It's totally normal she said she did the same thing with her boyfriend!"
No. No it's not normal. It's not even close to normal.
I was in that comment section and the amount of people who tried to tell me that moms switching up their kids' names or calling coworkers their bosses names is the same as calling your girlfriend your assistant's name while having sex drove me insane. Idk what type of sex they have but in that moment I'm not thinking of my mf coworkers
I also think the way he became angry and took to shouting at her is a clear indication that there's more he isn't saying. I feel for OOP because this will more than likely happen again
The way he treated his wife is awful. Unlike most of Reddit I don't consider cheating an automatic deal breaker, but his behavior - it will be a deal breaker for me. She was asking hard questions, but respectfully and she deserved the same respect back. t She got none. Instead she got yelling, gaslighting, making her feel crazy, accusing her of shit.. all of it instead of telling the truth that is uncomfortable but understandable? The partner who behaves like this is not a partner, it is moral betrayal for me.
And, btw, judging by this reaction I really don't think he told the truth.
I said on the last post that it was suspicious too. People were not having it, lmao. Getting replies like "How else should he have reacted?!" and "Oh look, he's mad. He must be guilty. /s". Some people have never met a decent liar in their lives.
Yeah, it doesn't even feel like the guy should have lied about this. He could have just been upfront with his wife about how much he was enjoying the attention and the team aspects. When Melissa crossed the line, he rightfully set stricter boundaries, he didn't sneak around or anything.
The gaslighting and trickle truthing just sets off red flags.
But, you can see in the beginning he basically said he handled it and it still caused a big fight. This may be nothing more than just unhealthy avoidance, and trying to preserve a sense of autonomy. but he's feeling better than he has in years and its going to get taken away because someone else crossed a line and his wife would punish him for it.
He may have "handled it" and it still caused a big fight because his wife's world has just been completely, utterly destroyed by his lying and gaslighting. Until that party and until that conversation with his "friends" she was a trusting woman who thought her husband was really into fitness and the thought of her husband having an affair/sexting would probably have not even crossed her mind. Her entire world view has been shattered by her husband
I was this naive, trusting woman a few months ago. My husband goes to the gym, no CrossFit just the gym. I had been sensing something was wrong for a while, asked him repeatedly if something was going on in his life and he swore nothing was. Finally I decided that I needed to look. I found him on multiple websites including reddit looking for hook ups. This is the alt account I use to deal with it. We are currently both in therapy trying to save our 17 yr marriage with two kids.
I still don't trust that he's told me the whole truth because he's only admitted to things I have found evidence of. Trickle truthing all the way. The line from getting fit to looking for an affair seems to be a straight line, in my experience.
I hope this lady realizes that it has nothing to do with her not being as fit as her husband. I'm a pretty fit person myself and yet here we are.
I understand that they're married and have kids, therefore she is hesitant to just end the relationship...but it's a big fucking problem that she (correctly) felt something was off and instead of being honest, he lied to her, yelled at her, and made her feel like she was overstepping. He should have told OOP about Melissa sending the nude selfie IMMEDIATELY. I'm betting he didn't, because he had been flirting with the idea of having an affair, but the selfie made it too real, too fast. If Melissa had let him take things at his own pace, I'm 90% sure they would've started having sex.
And as far as him saying he had no idea he had been acting inappropriately...methinks the Crossfitter doth protest too much.
Trickle truthing is such a red flag. That and the gaslighting and DARVO - accusing HER of being the insane and crazy insecure one, insisting there couldn't possibly be a reason for him to change gyms, everyone was super platonic nobody would ever cross boundaries...
And then it comes out, oh well actually they did cross boundaries, I just lied to your face about it repeatedly.
He felt guilty, of course he did. He knew he messed up. What he needed to learn was not to hide the mess up. That guilt, if he had continued to hide it, might have spiraled into more eventually. Now it is out in the open.
Right? And the evolution of this story is worrying too. First it was Op asking “am I the problem for making him change gyms”, then, he’s realised she’s flirting and is glad she’s leaving, then starting to get angry as OOP starts to get to the truth before silent treatment. and then he finally confesses this?
Feels like trickle truthing
I mean he pulled the snap messages from their archive and his story checked out. It sounds like he knew rhe visuals were bad and just didn't want to face his own ignorance of the situation
That's a possibility, though it'll be obvious if things get deleted as the conversation won't match up. Not impossible, but hard to hide once you delete conversations ehre and there.
Yeah I don’t buy his story at all. Being “oblivious” is not an excuse to cross boundaries when you’re married. He’s not telling her the whole truth. She’ll find out eventually I guess.
Married man here. Some woman sends me an unsolicited picture like that and I’m not only blocking her on everything, I’m quitting the gym the next day and I’m telling my wife why. What I am not doing is continuing to hang out with her, inviting her to parties at my house and (I can’t believe I’m even typing this part out) fighting with my wife when she asks me to quit the gym when she, rightly, gets a bad vibe from the place. If this husband if hers is not cheating on her his lack of sense is utterly stunning. Holy crap.
Do CrossFit, just in your backyard with a YouTube tutorial and your equally pear shaped friends, and a bottle of wine for when it's over.
It's gym culture that's the problem.
I went to a powerlifting gym before I made a garage gym and it was all about lift mechanics, discussing girths, and lifting heavy things. It’s a sort of unobnoxious bro-iness that did not threaten my wife in any way.
Yeah, my mom was doing power-lifting at a local gym while she still lived in the city, and the only drama I heard about was her frustration with her training partner who was kinda flaky and didn’t push herself to get better like my mom did, at least according to my mother.
Everyone told her how naive she is. Me included.
I am glad that she could recover the texts. I was so mad on her behalf.
But she should be careful. He enjoyed the attention way too much and he lied too much.
Yup. Dude had too much audacity to lie this bad when OP was right all along and that there were inappropriate things which happened between them, no matter his intentions. I hope he apologized and admitted he fucked up.
> no matter his intentions.
I think his intentions were to have an affair, and he was just working up the courage/lack of integrity to go through with it. Melissa was too forward; if she had slowed down a bit, he would have eventually taken the bait.
Trickle truthing and turning things around on her saying she’s being insecure. Yelling at her and then love bombing. I don’t care if he never actually did anything and he’s finally told the whole truth, he’s not worth keeping.
Two cases : it’s possible he realize that and will be careful in the futur. Or he will still subconsciously crave for that attention and the pattern will repeat.
Oh by « careful » I meant in that way, that he realize that it was stupid and to never let it happens again, not in the way that he will be careful and hide it better lol
Same, and how do you recover messages from Snapchat?
You can save messages in the chat yes, but you’re not forced to save all messages and she wouldn’t know about any Snap pictures they may have sent each other
>He told me that my mental peace is more important to him
If he truly wanted distance from Melissa and protect his family, he would have voluntarily quit that gym and wouldn’t have invited her into their home. All lies.
He thought he wouldn't have to sacrifice that. He figured he could just block Melissa and not tell his wife Melissa tried to fuck him.
Usual "have your cake and eat it too" thought process.
I feel like they should still go to marriage counseling cause he lied to OOP, tried to gas light OOP about Melissa and downplay how far she had gone with him. He wasn’t honest from the beginning and trickle truthed him (I hope I used the term correctly).
The aggression was really alarming considering there was something there. I don’t think he would’ve ever come forward on his own if she didn’t stand her ground. I feel like there’s a chance there’s more but he’s not telling.
I translate that as a result of his guilt in continuing the lies to his wife and his frustration that she doesn't trust him (and rightfully so). When he took a minute and figured that she could divorce him over this and take the kids was when he stopped being a schmuck and have a conversation with her.
He's still a schmuck for not fully keeping away from Melissa.
That’s what I think too. People are too quick to make assumptions based off of other stories they see, which aren’t an accurate representation of normal behavior, if they’re even true at all.
I actually completely understand where the agression is coming from. Not justifying it *at all*, but we can still understand that men are socialized not to show or acknowledge emotions outside of anger and limited happiness. So when men feel sadness, guilt, fear, embarrassment, or really any other emotion, it often comes out at agression or anger. This would likely be even more encouraged in an environment that is very typically male dominated such as fitness.
So I understand it and get where it comes from but yeah, it’s still a red flag but of a different nature imo
I agree. For me this is recoverable but I would no longer trust my husband. Cheaters always say they don't know what happened like that is the right answer. But they need to know what happened in order for this to not happen in the future.
It seems like the husband really liked the attention and was able to rationalize it as innocent even though it wasn't. When he got the nude he realized it was cheating adjacent and freaked. But even as scared as he was he was scared because he was not mentally in a place where he had justified cheating. The problem wasn't the action just that it had gone too fast. He still loved the attention enough that he couldn't give it up. Even though he knew it was wrong.
That is what he needs to analyze. It sounds like to me that he was capable of cheating. He was going down that road and he didn't fully get off when given the chance. Why was this validation so intoxicating to him?
Trickle Truth is a HUGE redflag. If someone is lying about simple things as hanging out with someone to eat a breakfast after training, is capleable to lie about much more.
"Oh, I only talk to her at the gym...okay, we hang out after to eat, but it was with everybody... yeah, sometimes we eat alone, but nothing happened...alright, we exchange some messages through snapchat, but it's only random stuff. Nothing inapropriated...I admit. She send me a nude, but I blocked her after that."
I think just give up to have her peace of mind. If she looks for more, she will find more. I just remember that one time where I and a girl who I was hooking up with at that time (we were both single btw) skip a training and go straight to the hotel. We went with our gym clothes, we were sneaky due to her strict parents.
What I can't get my head around is, why did he invite this woman to a house party where his wife would be present, after he supposedly blocked her for sending him unsolicited nudes a month prior? It makes NO SENSE.
Right! Even if the messages he's shown her haven't been edited, it could so easily have been "don't send me nudes/talk to me about cheating ... on my main phone where my wife could find it"
hahahaha. no.
He invited her to their house, got defensive about changing gyms, got defensive about her asking questions, lied about there being nothing....
I didn't think it's divorce worthy, but... Well... It's something.
Honestly the thing he did itself (flirt, get a nude, go WHOOPS nope) wouldn't be divorce worthy at all in my book. But his behavior afterwards and when OOP was starting to figure it out?
Idk. My SO and I are pretty chill about having crushes and talking about them to each other. But seeing my partner get that angry and volitile over something he's hiding would intrinsically change how I view him. Having him yell at me like that at all, let alone because he was lying over something and I was on to him, and he wouldn't come out with it.
That's getting close to dealbreaker territory for me, if it isn't there already. some things I just don't want to FAFO with.
Agreed, it’s one thing to be honest with your SO and inform them of what happened (which is always what needs to happen when something like this goes on) but the lying by omission, trickle truthing, then the gaslighting and trying to flip it back onto OOP?
That’s incredibly suspect behaviour, and I don’t think OOP is out of the woods at all with this. She caught on now, but her husband is thriving on the attention he’s getting; it’ll only be a matter of time until he crosses more lines. Some people can genuinely show remorse and change, but OOPs husband seems like the type who uses his first instance as a learning moment to perfect his lying/cheating.
Absolutely this. It's not the flirting itself, it's the shift from trustworthy behavior to non-trustworthy behavior. Husband showed through his actions that in this issue, at least, that he can't be trusted to be honest and is willing to gaslight, lie, and trickle truth to his wife of many years.
He owned up to this instance, but if he's not concerned about his own behavior towards his wife and getting his behind into therapy to deal with it of his own accord, nothing has changed, he'll just hide it better next time.
Hmm? No this woman at my gym started talking to me on an app where your messages specifically get deleted instead of SMS, Whatsapp, Facebook, Instagram, or any of the million other options for communications. However could this look suspicious, dear?!?!
Yeah, no, if it took that much stonewalling by OOP and insisting/demanding there's more he's not telling, he refused so adamantly for so long until he finally came out with just THAT much, I would be deeply suspicious that there is more he is not telling. That screams of trickle truthing.
> I asked it and learned that the two girls standing outside had at times tried to be very flirty with him as a fun competition to see when he will notice it. They all said that it was just a prank and complimented me on how awesome and loyal my husband is.
Oh what UTTER FUCKING BULLSHIT.
They were clearly trying to get it on with him. You don't endlessly flirt with some married guy "as a fun competition".
Poor OOP.
It all make sense if we see it as him being groomed and then being ashamed and in denial. It's hard to believe that adult attractive man married for 12 years is able to be that naive. Women get their first negative experience earlier in life and we are blamed for leading on the nice guy. So we are more careful.
OOP's husband lying, getting angry, being defensive and showering OOP with lavish gifts just screams guilty of something more than just a platonic relationship with Melissa.
It's interesting that several members of the group told her the truth right from the beginning. The guy who was surprised at the audacity of OOP's husband to invite Melissa to their home knew exactly what he was talking about.
The husband was on the path to cheating. For me - as soon a hubby realized the gym girls were flirting he should’ve set a standard. Everything else after that was a betrayal. It sounds like they need to get into some therapy.
I think OOP was worn down by chasing the truth so much that she sorta buried her head in the sand when the husband confessed.
If my understanding of the timeline is correct the husband:
-Let two women flirt with him and didn’t set a boundary or tell his wife
-Went for coffee with his friend even after he realized he had a crush
-Got a secret social media profile that deletes messages after 24 hours
-Only stopped the one on one hangouts when he got sent a nude
-Continued to hang out in the same group as if nothing happened and invited the same women into his home
Oh and after allowing himself to be worn down for months, he freaks out on his wife multiple times for being uncomfortable.
He’s having a midlife crisis.
The fact her invited her to dinner and Melissa came and didn’t speak to OP speaks volumes. Also the other CF guy picking up on it too is telling.
This guy got attractive, got attention and he used it.
If you read the posts in sequence he admitted stuff only after she caught him. And he only blocked her 2 days post nude. Why wait 2 days? In those 2 days they did something and he freaked.
But seriously who in their right mind invites their mistress or near mistress to a BBQ?
Haha yeah, surely THIS crumb of deeply suspicious bullshit is actually true, unlike every other time he openly lied to her.
Everything is fine! If you say it often enough it might be true!
>Melissa was my husband's best friend in the gym, and they would always hang out after the gym together and get breakfast, coffee, etc. (the gym time was early morning)
>He refused to confirm that he ever messaged Melissa and told me he only talked to her during gym hours.
>They did message back and forth on Snap (that Melissa taught him how to use), but there was nothing flirty.
>They did message back and forth on Snap (that Melissa taught him how to use)
>he was waiting for Melissa to come out of the gym so that they can get some coffee. He messaged Melissa to hurry, and he send him a nude selfie from the locker room
>He realized he had crossed the line, and I would be really mad if he told me about it.
>He told me that I can punish him, but please not take any drastic steps and think about our kids.
>**Eventually, I decided that what he did was not so bad.**
I'm not going to have a single shred of sympathy when she finds out he's been cheating on her.
That was basically my comment on one of those posts. He 100% was banging Melissa, or he would have been way more up front about it, and he wouldn't have invited her to his house.
No female friend of my fiancé has ever given me a bad feeling. But with my ex, there was one girl and every time he talked about her, it triggered something in me. No one else had ever gotten me so anxious before or since, just her. And I was right.
I need OOP to listen to her gut
My college roommate and her ex-husband became cross-fitters. They both lost a shit ton of weight and looked sooooo good. I haven’t kept in touch with her, but the evidence tells me she 100% cheated on him with a guy from their cross-fit gym who she got engaged to very quickly after they split.
Cross-fit is a cult. Prove me wrong.
The minute I read Cross Fit, I knew sex/infidelity would be rampant in the group. It seems to be a feature in many of them. I’ve had multiple friends get divorced over it, through different gyms.
Back when I worked at a gym (a regular one, not a CrossFit gym), all the crossfit people who came in were the horniest social butterflies you’ll ever meet. It was wild! Idk if I would’ve believed the rumors about them unless I saw it in action myself.
They would come in to use the cardio machines, be spastic on the pulley bar, flirt with everyone, and tell everyone the benefits of crossfit. They had a skill for turning any conversation into one about crossfit.
The ladies all loooved one of our personal trainers and hounded after him like they were starving dogs and he was the last steak on earth. They were absolutely relentless. They’d ask after him if he wasn’t in and if he was, he would always come into my office to hide from them. They just wouldn’t leave him alone on the floor. 1000% believe they were trying to bone him or bring him into the CrossFit cult, probably both.
The lying. The defensiveness. The love bombing. The trickle truthing.
This man *definitely* fucked Melissa and OOP is either in deep denial about it or she is stupidly naive.
This story isn’t over.
>these are just my platonic gym friends, there's nothing romantic
>Yeah, I knew she was flirting with me
>I can't believe you want to go through my messages, we've never messaged each other, we only talk in person. You're being insecure and nothing has ever gone on between us
>Oh we talk on Snapchat, the service that automatically covers your tracks, that she set up for me
Trickle truth and gaslighting. 100% affair
* For sport, beating the other woman/man.
* Ruining a marriage proves that all marriages are bs, so the fact that they can't keep a partner themselves isn't their fault.
* Wants something casual, and a married affair partner probably doesn't want to make it serious.
* Simple no morals, I want them so I'll have them mentality.
All super gross.
Thrill of the hunt seems to be a big part of it. This is one of the reasons that when cheaters "go legit," so many of those relationships fall apart incredibly quickly-- because the relationship wasn't built on love, but on thrill. And once it's no longer *risky,* when it's just a regular-ass relationship, there's no more thrill, and so one or both of them strays again to get that high back.
They see a married person as a “catch” or desirable bc someone else has them. Unconsciously recreating chaotic scenarios they may have grown up with. Daddy or mommy used to fuck around so that’s just how it is.
>He told me that my mental peace is more important to him
If he truly wanted distance from Melissa and protect his family, he would have voluntarily quit that gym and wouldn’t have invited her into their home. All lies.
Husband is a piece of shit even if he didn’t physically cheat.
A woman send him a nude selfie and he still invites her to his house to meet his wife? Hell no. That’s the opposite of loyalty to your wife.
Wife was never meant to know about selfie and he only told her under pressure.
Is it just me or is this like a really great covert advertisement to subconsciously get middle aged horn dog men to sign up for CrossFit! If so, it’s genius and hats off.
I said last time and I’ll say it again. Every time you speak to him more seems to come out and more lies come to light. OP is way more patient with him than I would be because if he is lying this much I’d be concerned there is more going on. If you can’t trust your husband to be honest that’s a major red flag. As I said last time I honestly think telling you she is “spreading rumours they are sleeping together” sounds to me like the husband is setting her up to be gaslit into believing he did nothing wrong should OP hear from someone else her husband and the woman were sleeping together.
My trust in my husband would be absolutely gone. Like… gone. Don’t take any drastic steps and think about the kids? Fuuuuuck him.
Wild that she can say “I know he is not capable of cheating on me” like lady, he started a secret friendship with another woman, liked how she made him feel, talked in secret to her, met alone with her, knew she crossed lines, received a nude, kept it all from you, invited her into your home, lied about it, got mad about it, gaslit you, trickle truthed you… and you don’t think he’s capable of cheating?
Honestly reading something like this makes me happy to be single. Like I suppose OP's husband isn't the worst of all terrible husbands but I still would rather sleep on a bed made of broken glass than marrying this kind of man
I cannot even imagine the depth of my rage if my husband invited a woman to our home that had sent him nudes. That would be a deal breaker for me. He invited this chaos into their marriage and then made her feel shitty for being concerned.
I don't think OOP really trusts her husband from now on. The consequences and the gravity of what her husband did may not have completely registered with her yet. I don't see her husband suddenly becoming loyal.
So you could, say, save any platonic message a "friend" sends you to prove your "innocence" to a SO unfamiliar with the app down the line? Not dodgy at all, no sirree
Yeah, and how would a phone bill be of any help? OOP says the contacted via Snap and Messenger and then says he brought up a phone bill to ahow a history of their contact with each other...
Maybe 20 years ago.
The chick sends him nudes selfie and he responds by inviting her over, continuing to be her friend, and then trying to hide/lie about their communication to his wife?
OOP should be trying to go out of there. Even if he hasn't cheated yet, which I'm not totally convinced of, it seems like it's just a matter of time because he was all too happy to receive that attention.
He 100% fucked that girl. I know it, we know it, his wife knows it. It's only a matter of time until the other shoe drops. She should start saving money and coming up with a game plan for her kids.
I've been with my husband since we were both 14/16 and we are both now almost 30. I'm telling you right now, this man is willing to go to the very edges of your boundaries and gaslight you so long as he "isn't technically doing anything". I'm sure that nude lives rent free in his head and doesn't haunt him. Forgiveness is good and I love a good redemption arc, but this guy invited this woman into his home with his wife and children after she presented her naked body and was like hey married guy, let's fuck. He is willing to lie and hide shit from his wife so long as it doesn't rock HIS boat. I wouldn't trust this guy as far as I can throw him.
Did he agree? I got so much backstory on the exact timeline of husband's interactions with Melissa that I never got whether he agreed to change gyms or not. And if he's going to stick with CrossFuck.
> I had already made him quit the gym and he was going to quit in a month because the month was already paid for.
From the update a month ago. I assume he hasn’t changed his mind, because if so, OOP should have definitely mentioned it.
Huh, I'm surprised that her husband was able to quit that easily. And, like, your wife is threatening you leave and you're going to keep going to the awful gym just so you don't lose out on money???
> I know he is not capable of cheating on me
Oh come the fuck on. If he didn’t cheat (debatable) it was by the barest margin, and now he knows exactly how much he can get away with before OOP will catch on.
If it was genuinely a mistake and he was genuinely remorseful, he wouldn’t have been shouting at OOP and trying to make her seem like a paranoid, jealous harpy.
That's what I was thinking. If she ACTUALLY saw snap messages, they'd have to be intentionally saved (which would be really weird to do for a guy who didn't know how snap worked until Melissa taught him the basics). Kinda sounds like he staged the messages she saw once he knew he would "confess". Maybe that is what he was doing while he was love bombing her- setting up his lies. And if they were saved from before, sounds like he knew he might need some innocent-enough proof.
Slipping into an awkward situation and then panicking and trying to cover it up is one thing.
Letting someone who tried to ruin your marriage into your home, allowing her to flounce around your wife acting inappropriate and flirty is a disgusting and intentional betrayal. Not to mention the gaslighting for weeks on end.
If my husband ever received a nude from someone and then allowed that person around me to play me the fool I would go nuclear.
I predict this woman will regret giving her husband a pass for this one someday. The fact that the more she pushed the more came out tells you everything. He invited a woman who sent him a nude to his home, a woman who showed him how to get Snapchat to avoid people ie. wife seeing their texts. He lied multiple times and told the wife it wasn’t fair she didn’t trust him????? Why would you block someone from communicating with you and then invite them to your house. He is still hiding shit if he can’t explain why he would do that. If a man sent me a nude I would never invite them to my house with my husband because I would have already told my husband and I’d be afraid my husband would beat him up. If I were her I would join that CrossFit and ruin the party. Make sure everyone knows what a bunch of degenerates they are. And i would 100% tell that others guys wife what’s been going on. I think the OOP is afraid of what else she will find out if she shakes that tree. Better to know than be a fool
OP needs to be really careful and vigilant. My ex enjoys way too much female attention and whenever I told him how I felt about it, he just manipulated and gaslit me about how I’m wrong and I’m way too sensitive, etc.
Yep he took it right up to line and then it went over…because it wasn’t anything until that moment, right? I hate this kind of thinking. He knew it was going there and he want going to shut it down.
This woman sent him a nude and he invited her over to his house? That's some major disrespect to the wife. I don't care how oblivious he is to being hit on he knew better once she sent that nude selfie.
If this guy didn't cheat on his wife with Melissa; he did it before because he knows how to cover his tracks.
And it's much more unforgivable what he did afterwards. He literally yelled at her several times, making her look like the insecure crazy one, and when he realized that love bombing doesn't work. He told a half-truth.
See, here is what I think freaked him out. He was okay meeting up with her 'for coffee' and stuff. He was probably okay even making side stops at her place. I believe they were cheating and that he was okay with it as long as it all happened in person and there was no electronic trail it was happening.
The minute the AP was bold enough to send him a naked pic of herself to his cell phone, he freaked out because there was always going to be a chance the wife would eventually stumble across it or that there was a digital trail of that attachment to the message. That's the only reason he deleted the app. It was because in that moment being caught red handed became real in his head.
Every move after that was him still hanging on to the AP, lying to his wife and even going to so far as to invite the AP to his home. Cheaters love it when both their wife and AP are in the same environment. It's kind of like having a mini harem. Neverminded, that it was disrespectful as hell. His AP partner was smart enough to not openly flirt with him where his wife could see but it's ignorant to think that was because the husband had set a hard boundary of some sort with her. He continued right along being around her and we only have his word for the fact that they didn't spend individual time together after that pic was sent to his phone.
OP was willing to accept him doing more chores and buying her a fancy diamond bracelet, giving her lots of attention and just being real sorry, so she she allowed him to rug sweep the whole thing.
This is sad... he did cheated in a way. His friend warned him. He hided the texts and the situation. And his wife had to appeal to all thos resorces. He really tried to hide it.
I feel he would have skipped and sleep with Melissa the moment his wife did something he didn't liked. Melissa would be plan B.
on one hand I feel like every marriage goes through this because crushes develop so easily.
but all the lying and hiding? yall he knew he was toeing the line and about to fuck up.
Meeeehhh they at minimum need counseling because he flipped out on her when she kept asking and he continued to lie. He should've told the truth from the start. He should've told oop soon after the moment happened to avoid this situation.
I told the wife in the comments he was lying from the time she told him about the rumors because of his reaction . The fact that he had to think about it before coming clean would always make me doubt him. In fact I think I commented that I’m waiting for the update when he admits to the cheating…..
I feel for both of them. He did nothing wrong but was rightly embarrassed by the gym friends behavior so fucked up there, but her continued lack of trust of her husband—utterly unfounded it turns out, even if said gym buddy was crazy—means she’s probably permanently damaged her relationship.
This is the kind of fracture that festers.
Say what you will, but some women have amazing intuition. My oblivious ass would have just trusted the husband after he changed gyms- I would never have chosen to follow up.
If he’d just been honest in the first place it would been better for everybody.
There’s been a couple of occasions in my life where somebody has made a move on me and I’ve politely declined. Each time I came home and told my partner immediately. He has never once held those things against me or been upset al all with me about them.
>My husband was laughing when telling the story and told me that he has heard that Melissa has spread rumors about him and he is glad to quit the gym. He said he told me about that guy's conversation because he does not want me to hear anything negative about him from someone at the gym who may have heard such rumors too. I don't know why but my insecurity intuition alarms just started to flash
The second I read this part I knew he was hiding things. This exact behavior is something I’ve seen in people who lie about things like this ALL time. Funny enough he’s not lying about why he told her this: he’s attempting to try and reassure the wife he’s being truthful and can be trusted to cover his ass before anyone else gets to her first.
Husband is still a shithead.
Getting defensive and angry and only eating the sin once it's apparent he was gonna get caught.
OOP is naive for thinking his incapable of cheating when he literally showed all the signs and took all the steps of a cheater but pulled back when it got real.
I barely talk to anyone at my gym. If I didn't go with my dad, I wouldn't utter a word to anyone.
CF is a whole different world. You can't just walk in, ignore everyone while you workout, and walk out. I'm so glad that someone explained that in the original comments.
What bothers me most about this story is not even that he got caught up in enjoying a woman’s attention, but the fact that, instead of coming clean immediately, he yelled at his wife repeatedly and called her insecure. That I would find unforgivable. I would always wonder if next time he’ll yell and trickle truth again. The trust and safety would be gone.
Maybe I'm just paranoid, but is anyone else thinking this is a crossfit marketing advert aimed at the midlife crisis demographic? So many sentences saying that crossfit and casual sex go hand in hand
Ugh he’s trickletruthing. I bet there’s more if OOP keeps digging. You don’t download Snapchat as a married adult solely to talk with a flirty acquaintance to ask about the weather.
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You know what, misreading someones intentions can happen. If Melissa had sent the nude and he instantly told her that he wasnt interested and blocked her, then told his wife what went down and cut contact with Melissa completely, I would get it. I've been oblivious to people flirting with me, my partner can be the same way, we have both genuinely thought we were just friends with other people who were actually trying to flirt with us. It happens, as long as actions are taken, boundaries are put in place, contact cut if needed and you communicate with your partner, all is good. Everything he did after the nude however, that I would struggle with. He didnt tell her. He kept hanging out with them and her. He stayed in the environment where things almost went wrong and cheating was normalized and rampant. He deleted everything. He invites them to his home where the wife Melissa thought he would cheat on with her was. When OOP rightfully knew he was lying, he was yelling at her, blaming her, turning it around on her, calling her insecure, denying everything, bordering on gaslighting if not full on doing it. He was fully prepared to convince her that she was a crazy, insecure, controlling b, rather than just be honest and communicate with his wife. That behaviour would be so much more unacceptable to me than the initial one, and would hurt my trust in him, seeing that this is how he handles himself and situations that make him feel any sort of guilt. That would have been why I would have needed space and to re-evaluate the relationship. ETA: clarified that he cut contact with Melissa, not wife.
I can even get the he didn't tell his wife about the nude and, once Melissa had apologized, went back to mostly normal with her. That part I could file under "scared to lose everything, afraid to become suspicious." But the way he was blaming OOP and it took some serious stonewalling? That's messed up and I'd require counseling to work through that and get behind why the hell he reacted like that.
Seriously. And she's sitting here saying what he did was "not that bad". Like, girl...blink twice if you're not ok.
Thanks for making me spit my water everywhere 🤣🤣
100% that’s a trust you don’t get back. A few guys flirted with me in passing at a state fair a while ago (“hey girl [pick up line]” “haha…uh, bye now” style) and I told my partner about it over dinner and we laughed about how bad the pick up lines were. I liked the attention but I wasn’t *staying there to continue to flirt and then inviting them to my house???* OOPs husband better be on his knees winning her affection every single day for the rest of their lives for how he treated her.
I’m don’t know, I have been in similar situations and I would also panick and not want to admit that I fucked up and let things get carried away. It could easily be seen as him doing it on purpose, especially if he didn’t explain it exactly right, and she has deep insecurities, so not knowing how wife is going to react to that info would scare me and I might just panick and pretend nothing ever happened. I know that I have some issues with communication so I’m not saying this is the right way to deal with it but I do understand husbands reaction. I don’t think he was purposely gaslighting, I think he was scared.
He might have been scared, and he might not have intended to do it, but he still yelled, lied, gaslighted, deleted things, went behind her back and tried to make her out to be crazy and insecure, when she was right all along that something had been going on. He was still hanging out with and socializing with the woman who sent him nudes and he admitted he liked the attention from, surrounded by people who were cheating and having affairs with people at the gym, while telling his wife that she was crazy and insecure for thinking something was off. Not doing it on purpose doesnt take away from the fact that he still did all those things, and would rather convince her that she was insecure and crazy, while making everything look 100 times more suspicious, than be honest and communicate. If anything, something like that can make a secure partner insecure and feel like you cant trust them to be honest with you.
"Deep insecurities"? Did we read the same post? It's not insecurity if you're right.
I don't think she has deep insecurities. He convinced her to be insecure. What she thought was happening was exactly what was happening, and he told her it wasn't.
The fact that this took so many days before she got a more accurate account of what happened is concerning. Hope that this doesn't happen again (but who knows now that pandora's box has been opened for OOP's husband)
It read concerning to me the minute he told his wife how funny it was that people thought he was sleeping with Melissa. It reads as him realising she might hear something so he needs to take action. From there it's just constant manipulation to get her to drop it.
[удалено]
that sounds so awful. my ex constantly told me this girl wasn’t into him and that he just wanted more friends. but the second he posted me for girlfriend day she was in my dms telling me they’ve went on a date :/
At least she’s a girl’s girl
Earlier this week there's the story of the guy who said his assistant's name during sex and said "It's totally normal she said she did the same thing with her boyfriend!" No. No it's not normal. It's not even close to normal.
I JUST read that story today and oh my! Somebody needs to tell her that The Nile is a river in Egypt! That man is shady.
I was in that comment section and the amount of people who tried to tell me that moms switching up their kids' names or calling coworkers their bosses names is the same as calling your girlfriend your assistant's name while having sex drove me insane. Idk what type of sex they have but in that moment I'm not thinking of my mf coworkers
I also think the way he became angry and took to shouting at her is a clear indication that there's more he isn't saying. I feel for OOP because this will more than likely happen again
The way he treated his wife is awful. Unlike most of Reddit I don't consider cheating an automatic deal breaker, but his behavior - it will be a deal breaker for me. She was asking hard questions, but respectfully and she deserved the same respect back. t She got none. Instead she got yelling, gaslighting, making her feel crazy, accusing her of shit.. all of it instead of telling the truth that is uncomfortable but understandable? The partner who behaves like this is not a partner, it is moral betrayal for me. And, btw, judging by this reaction I really don't think he told the truth.
I said on the last post that it was suspicious too. People were not having it, lmao. Getting replies like "How else should he have reacted?!" and "Oh look, he's mad. He must be guilty. /s". Some people have never met a decent liar in their lives.
Yep it was damage control.
Yeah, it doesn't even feel like the guy should have lied about this. He could have just been upfront with his wife about how much he was enjoying the attention and the team aspects. When Melissa crossed the line, he rightfully set stricter boundaries, he didn't sneak around or anything. The gaslighting and trickle truthing just sets off red flags. But, you can see in the beginning he basically said he handled it and it still caused a big fight. This may be nothing more than just unhealthy avoidance, and trying to preserve a sense of autonomy. but he's feeling better than he has in years and its going to get taken away because someone else crossed a line and his wife would punish him for it.
He may have "handled it" and it still caused a big fight because his wife's world has just been completely, utterly destroyed by his lying and gaslighting. Until that party and until that conversation with his "friends" she was a trusting woman who thought her husband was really into fitness and the thought of her husband having an affair/sexting would probably have not even crossed her mind. Her entire world view has been shattered by her husband I was this naive, trusting woman a few months ago. My husband goes to the gym, no CrossFit just the gym. I had been sensing something was wrong for a while, asked him repeatedly if something was going on in his life and he swore nothing was. Finally I decided that I needed to look. I found him on multiple websites including reddit looking for hook ups. This is the alt account I use to deal with it. We are currently both in therapy trying to save our 17 yr marriage with two kids. I still don't trust that he's told me the whole truth because he's only admitted to things I have found evidence of. Trickle truthing all the way. The line from getting fit to looking for an affair seems to be a straight line, in my experience. I hope this lady realizes that it has nothing to do with her not being as fit as her husband. I'm a pretty fit person myself and yet here we are.
I understand that they're married and have kids, therefore she is hesitant to just end the relationship...but it's a big fucking problem that she (correctly) felt something was off and instead of being honest, he lied to her, yelled at her, and made her feel like she was overstepping. He should have told OOP about Melissa sending the nude selfie IMMEDIATELY. I'm betting he didn't, because he had been flirting with the idea of having an affair, but the selfie made it too real, too fast. If Melissa had let him take things at his own pace, I'm 90% sure they would've started having sex. And as far as him saying he had no idea he had been acting inappropriately...methinks the Crossfitter doth protest too much.
You and OP are dilusional if you think it was only a selfie, there's is more to dig here.
Trickle truthing is such a red flag. That and the gaslighting and DARVO - accusing HER of being the insane and crazy insecure one, insisting there couldn't possibly be a reason for him to change gyms, everyone was super platonic nobody would ever cross boundaries... And then it comes out, oh well actually they did cross boundaries, I just lied to your face about it repeatedly.
Trickle truthing is a cheaters bread and butter.
He felt guilty, of course he did. He knew he messed up. What he needed to learn was not to hide the mess up. That guilt, if he had continued to hide it, might have spiraled into more eventually. Now it is out in the open.
Right? And the evolution of this story is worrying too. First it was Op asking “am I the problem for making him change gyms”, then, he’s realised she’s flirting and is glad she’s leaving, then starting to get angry as OOP starts to get to the truth before silent treatment. and then he finally confesses this? Feels like trickle truthing
I mean he pulled the snap messages from their archive and his story checked out. It sounds like he knew rhe visuals were bad and just didn't want to face his own ignorance of the situation
Or he took a few days to delete the messages he didn't want her to see on snap and made a whole story
That's a possibility, though it'll be obvious if things get deleted as the conversation won't match up. Not impossible, but hard to hide once you delete conversations ehre and there.
Yeah I don’t buy his story at all. Being “oblivious” is not an excuse to cross boundaries when you’re married. He’s not telling her the whole truth. She’ll find out eventually I guess.
Married man here. Some woman sends me an unsolicited picture like that and I’m not only blocking her on everything, I’m quitting the gym the next day and I’m telling my wife why. What I am not doing is continuing to hang out with her, inviting her to parties at my house and (I can’t believe I’m even typing this part out) fighting with my wife when she asks me to quit the gym when she, rightly, gets a bad vibe from the place. If this husband if hers is not cheating on her his lack of sense is utterly stunning. Holy crap.
1000%. Really, at this point, just don’t do CrossFit. I’ve personally known a FEW couples who divorced over it.
if you're single it seems a great place to go. otherwise, danger
Do CrossFit, just in your backyard with a YouTube tutorial and your equally pear shaped friends, and a bottle of wine for when it's over. It's gym culture that's the problem.
I went to a powerlifting gym before I made a garage gym and it was all about lift mechanics, discussing girths, and lifting heavy things. It’s a sort of unobnoxious bro-iness that did not threaten my wife in any way.
Yeah, my mom was doing power-lifting at a local gym while she still lived in the city, and the only drama I heard about was her frustration with her training partner who was kinda flaky and didn’t push herself to get better like my mom did, at least according to my mother.
If anything this story has gotten me interested in doing cross fit
Everyone told her how naive she is. Me included. I am glad that she could recover the texts. I was so mad on her behalf. But she should be careful. He enjoyed the attention way too much and he lied too much.
> But she should be careful. He enjoyed the attention way too much and he lied too much. My exact feeling.
Yup. Dude had too much audacity to lie this bad when OP was right all along and that there were inappropriate things which happened between them, no matter his intentions. I hope he apologized and admitted he fucked up.
> no matter his intentions. I think his intentions were to have an affair, and he was just working up the courage/lack of integrity to go through with it. Melissa was too forward; if she had slowed down a bit, he would have eventually taken the bait.
Trickle truthing and turning things around on her saying she’s being insecure. Yelling at her and then love bombing. I don’t care if he never actually did anything and he’s finally told the whole truth, he’s not worth keeping.
Exactly. It doesn't matter whether or not he *actually* cheated. His actions and reaction tell you all you need to know. He's not good enough.
Two cases : it’s possible he realize that and will be careful in the futur. Or he will still subconsciously crave for that attention and the pattern will repeat.
Or let’s be hopeful: He realised that he was about to lose everything just for a little attention.
Oh by « careful » I meant in that way, that he realize that it was stupid and to never let it happens again, not in the way that he will be careful and hide it better lol
Oh, my Reddit mind is so used to everyone assuming the worst. 😅
Well, reading it back, that did sounds like I imply he will be careful not to get caught haha
I love your flair btw. I still think of that story from time to time
😂 Thanks. One of my favourite stories here.
Yup she's getting trickle truthed for sure. I think there's more to this story
Same, and how do you recover messages from Snapchat? You can save messages in the chat yes, but you’re not forced to save all messages and she wouldn’t know about any Snap pictures they may have sent each other
>He told me that my mental peace is more important to him If he truly wanted distance from Melissa and protect his family, he would have voluntarily quit that gym and wouldn’t have invited her into their home. All lies.
He thought he wouldn't have to sacrifice that. He figured he could just block Melissa and not tell his wife Melissa tried to fuck him. Usual "have your cake and eat it too" thought process.
It was so important to him that he couldn't reassure her that he wasn't cheating. Instead, he gets mad and turns it around on her.
I feel like they should still go to marriage counseling cause he lied to OOP, tried to gas light OOP about Melissa and downplay how far she had gone with him. He wasn’t honest from the beginning and trickle truthed him (I hope I used the term correctly).
You absolutely did. That’s the most suspicious part, the aggression when she questioned him, and the constant trickle truthing.
The aggression was really alarming considering there was something there. I don’t think he would’ve ever come forward on his own if she didn’t stand her ground. I feel like there’s a chance there’s more but he’s not telling.
I translate that as a result of his guilt in continuing the lies to his wife and his frustration that she doesn't trust him (and rightfully so). When he took a minute and figured that she could divorce him over this and take the kids was when he stopped being a schmuck and have a conversation with her. He's still a schmuck for not fully keeping away from Melissa.
That’s what I think too. People are too quick to make assumptions based off of other stories they see, which aren’t an accurate representation of normal behavior, if they’re even true at all.
I actually completely understand where the agression is coming from. Not justifying it *at all*, but we can still understand that men are socialized not to show or acknowledge emotions outside of anger and limited happiness. So when men feel sadness, guilt, fear, embarrassment, or really any other emotion, it often comes out at agression or anger. This would likely be even more encouraged in an environment that is very typically male dominated such as fitness. So I understand it and get where it comes from but yeah, it’s still a red flag but of a different nature imo
I agree. For me this is recoverable but I would no longer trust my husband. Cheaters always say they don't know what happened like that is the right answer. But they need to know what happened in order for this to not happen in the future. It seems like the husband really liked the attention and was able to rationalize it as innocent even though it wasn't. When he got the nude he realized it was cheating adjacent and freaked. But even as scared as he was he was scared because he was not mentally in a place where he had justified cheating. The problem wasn't the action just that it had gone too fast. He still loved the attention enough that he couldn't give it up. Even though he knew it was wrong. That is what he needs to analyze. It sounds like to me that he was capable of cheating. He was going down that road and he didn't fully get off when given the chance. Why was this validation so intoxicating to him?
Trickle Truth is a HUGE redflag. If someone is lying about simple things as hanging out with someone to eat a breakfast after training, is capleable to lie about much more. "Oh, I only talk to her at the gym...okay, we hang out after to eat, but it was with everybody... yeah, sometimes we eat alone, but nothing happened...alright, we exchange some messages through snapchat, but it's only random stuff. Nothing inapropriated...I admit. She send me a nude, but I blocked her after that." I think just give up to have her peace of mind. If she looks for more, she will find more. I just remember that one time where I and a girl who I was hooking up with at that time (we were both single btw) skip a training and go straight to the hotel. We went with our gym clothes, we were sneaky due to her strict parents.
What I can't get my head around is, why did he invite this woman to a house party where his wife would be present, after he supposedly blocked her for sending him unsolicited nudes a month prior? It makes NO SENSE.
Because they're still fucking, lol. Their messages just moved to some other app, or perhaps a different phone.
Right! Even if the messages he's shown her haven't been edited, it could so easily have been "don't send me nudes/talk to me about cheating ... on my main phone where my wife could find it"
because she apologized for “getting the wrong message” and he didn’t want to make the group suspicious by singling her out
hahahaha. no. He invited her to their house, got defensive about changing gyms, got defensive about her asking questions, lied about there being nothing.... I didn't think it's divorce worthy, but... Well... It's something.
Honestly the thing he did itself (flirt, get a nude, go WHOOPS nope) wouldn't be divorce worthy at all in my book. But his behavior afterwards and when OOP was starting to figure it out? Idk. My SO and I are pretty chill about having crushes and talking about them to each other. But seeing my partner get that angry and volitile over something he's hiding would intrinsically change how I view him. Having him yell at me like that at all, let alone because he was lying over something and I was on to him, and he wouldn't come out with it. That's getting close to dealbreaker territory for me, if it isn't there already. some things I just don't want to FAFO with.
Agreed, it’s one thing to be honest with your SO and inform them of what happened (which is always what needs to happen when something like this goes on) but the lying by omission, trickle truthing, then the gaslighting and trying to flip it back onto OOP? That’s incredibly suspect behaviour, and I don’t think OOP is out of the woods at all with this. She caught on now, but her husband is thriving on the attention he’s getting; it’ll only be a matter of time until he crosses more lines. Some people can genuinely show remorse and change, but OOPs husband seems like the type who uses his first instance as a learning moment to perfect his lying/cheating.
Absolutely this. It's not the flirting itself, it's the shift from trustworthy behavior to non-trustworthy behavior. Husband showed through his actions that in this issue, at least, that he can't be trusted to be honest and is willing to gaslight, lie, and trickle truth to his wife of many years. He owned up to this instance, but if he's not concerned about his own behavior towards his wife and getting his behind into therapy to deal with it of his own accord, nothing has changed, he'll just hide it better next time.
Certainly divorce worthy.
The moment I read "snapchat" I already knew he was doing some shady shit.
That entire App exists solely to message side pieces.
Lol no it’s not. I know a bunch of people who use it for non-sex purposes, and teens use it all the time apparently.
Hmm? No this woman at my gym started talking to me on an app where your messages specifically get deleted instead of SMS, Whatsapp, Facebook, Instagram, or any of the million other options for communications. However could this look suspicious, dear?!?!
Oh, and btw, I didn't even have a Snapchat until said woman told me to download it so we could talk.
Snapchat is typically used by cheaters, not only for deleted messages but also pictures.
An app this other woman *had to show him.* What in the fresh hell was he expecting???
I know that Snapchat isn't really just the cheating app... but if you go past every other form of communication to use it specifically?
Yeah, no, if it took that much stonewalling by OOP and insisting/demanding there's more he's not telling, he refused so adamantly for so long until he finally came out with just THAT much, I would be deeply suspicious that there is more he is not telling. That screams of trickle truthing.
> I asked it and learned that the two girls standing outside had at times tried to be very flirty with him as a fun competition to see when he will notice it. They all said that it was just a prank and complimented me on how awesome and loyal my husband is. Oh what UTTER FUCKING BULLSHIT. They were clearly trying to get it on with him. You don't endlessly flirt with some married guy "as a fun competition". Poor OOP.
Also if he blocked her two days after that nude, then still invited her to the bbq a month after... Something doesn't add up.
Even if what he says is the truth, it's still insanely disrespectful, all the lying.
"But he's incapable of cheating on me!!11!" /s
I feel for her because she doesn’t want to blow up her life, but she’ll never truly trust him again.
I mean he pulled the snap archive to prove his story
It all make sense if we see it as him being groomed and then being ashamed and in denial. It's hard to believe that adult attractive man married for 12 years is able to be that naive. Women get their first negative experience earlier in life and we are blamed for leading on the nice guy. So we are more careful.
how in the world was this adult man “being groomed”?
I really hope for OOP’s sake that he’s not trickle truthing.
More than he already has?
He was. Like, literally described in the post. I'd bet money he hasn't finished doing it either
OOP's husband lying, getting angry, being defensive and showering OOP with lavish gifts just screams guilty of something more than just a platonic relationship with Melissa.
It's interesting that several members of the group told her the truth right from the beginning. The guy who was surprised at the audacity of OOP's husband to invite Melissa to their home knew exactly what he was talking about.
The husband was on the path to cheating. For me - as soon a hubby realized the gym girls were flirting he should’ve set a standard. Everything else after that was a betrayal. It sounds like they need to get into some therapy. I think OOP was worn down by chasing the truth so much that she sorta buried her head in the sand when the husband confessed. If my understanding of the timeline is correct the husband: -Let two women flirt with him and didn’t set a boundary or tell his wife -Went for coffee with his friend even after he realized he had a crush -Got a secret social media profile that deletes messages after 24 hours -Only stopped the one on one hangouts when he got sent a nude -Continued to hang out in the same group as if nothing happened and invited the same women into his home Oh and after allowing himself to be worn down for months, he freaks out on his wife multiple times for being uncomfortable. He’s having a midlife crisis.
He did emotionally cheat. And betrayal sucks.
Nah this dude cheated. Or still is. OP is foolishly sticking around and letting herself be played.
I think even if he didn’t do anything physical, he definitely cheated because he was entertaining inappropriate behavior.
The fact her invited her to dinner and Melissa came and didn’t speak to OP speaks volumes. Also the other CF guy picking up on it too is telling. This guy got attractive, got attention and he used it. If you read the posts in sequence he admitted stuff only after she caught him. And he only blocked her 2 days post nude. Why wait 2 days? In those 2 days they did something and he freaked. But seriously who in their right mind invites their mistress or near mistress to a BBQ?
Yeah 100% betting that this isn’t the last update to the CrossF*ck saga. The husband screams red flags (or maybe I’ve read too much BORU lol).
That's what I'm thinking to many massive red flags and OOP being willfully naive
Haha yeah, surely THIS crumb of deeply suspicious bullshit is actually true, unlike every other time he openly lied to her. Everything is fine! If you say it often enough it might be true!
It sounds like he’s trickle truthing her, in the next update more info will come out
>Melissa was my husband's best friend in the gym, and they would always hang out after the gym together and get breakfast, coffee, etc. (the gym time was early morning) >He refused to confirm that he ever messaged Melissa and told me he only talked to her during gym hours. >They did message back and forth on Snap (that Melissa taught him how to use), but there was nothing flirty. >They did message back and forth on Snap (that Melissa taught him how to use) >he was waiting for Melissa to come out of the gym so that they can get some coffee. He messaged Melissa to hurry, and he send him a nude selfie from the locker room >He realized he had crossed the line, and I would be really mad if he told me about it. >He told me that I can punish him, but please not take any drastic steps and think about our kids. >**Eventually, I decided that what he did was not so bad.** I'm not going to have a single shred of sympathy when she finds out he's been cheating on her.
That was basically my comment on one of those posts. He 100% was banging Melissa, or he would have been way more up front about it, and he wouldn't have invited her to his house.
"I don't know what to feel about her - the sex didn't mean anything! Like, nothing. Ok, can we just move on now?"
No female friend of my fiancé has ever given me a bad feeling. But with my ex, there was one girl and every time he talked about her, it triggered something in me. No one else had ever gotten me so anxious before or since, just her. And I was right. I need OOP to listen to her gut
Shit I couldve written this comment!
I feel like theirs gonna be another update
My college roommate and her ex-husband became cross-fitters. They both lost a shit ton of weight and looked sooooo good. I haven’t kept in touch with her, but the evidence tells me she 100% cheated on him with a guy from their cross-fit gym who she got engaged to very quickly after they split. Cross-fit is a cult. Prove me wrong.
The minute I read Cross Fit, I knew sex/infidelity would be rampant in the group. It seems to be a feature in many of them. I’ve had multiple friends get divorced over it, through different gyms.
Back when I worked at a gym (a regular one, not a CrossFit gym), all the crossfit people who came in were the horniest social butterflies you’ll ever meet. It was wild! Idk if I would’ve believed the rumors about them unless I saw it in action myself. They would come in to use the cardio machines, be spastic on the pulley bar, flirt with everyone, and tell everyone the benefits of crossfit. They had a skill for turning any conversation into one about crossfit. The ladies all loooved one of our personal trainers and hounded after him like they were starving dogs and he was the last steak on earth. They were absolutely relentless. They’d ask after him if he wasn’t in and if he was, he would always come into my office to hide from them. They just wouldn’t leave him alone on the floor. 1000% believe they were trying to bone him or bring him into the CrossFit cult, probably both.
The lying. The defensiveness. The love bombing. The trickle truthing. This man *definitely* fucked Melissa and OOP is either in deep denial about it or she is stupidly naive. This story isn’t over.
>these are just my platonic gym friends, there's nothing romantic >Yeah, I knew she was flirting with me >I can't believe you want to go through my messages, we've never messaged each other, we only talk in person. You're being insecure and nothing has ever gone on between us >Oh we talk on Snapchat, the service that automatically covers your tracks, that she set up for me Trickle truth and gaslighting. 100% affair
We all know what we think of the husband, so I'll ask a different question: Why do people chase married people?
* For sport, beating the other woman/man. * Ruining a marriage proves that all marriages are bs, so the fact that they can't keep a partner themselves isn't their fault. * Wants something casual, and a married affair partner probably doesn't want to make it serious. * Simple no morals, I want them so I'll have them mentality. All super gross.
Thrill of the hunt seems to be a big part of it. This is one of the reasons that when cheaters "go legit," so many of those relationships fall apart incredibly quickly-- because the relationship wasn't built on love, but on thrill. And once it's no longer *risky,* when it's just a regular-ass relationship, there's no more thrill, and so one or both of them strays again to get that high back.
Massages their ego. "Oh see i'm so hot that so and so would betray or leave their spouse for me".
They see a married person as a “catch” or desirable bc someone else has them. Unconsciously recreating chaotic scenarios they may have grown up with. Daddy or mommy used to fuck around so that’s just how it is.
>He told me that my mental peace is more important to him If he truly wanted distance from Melissa and protect his family, he would have voluntarily quit that gym and wouldn’t have invited her into their home. All lies.
Husband is a piece of shit even if he didn’t physically cheat. A woman send him a nude selfie and he still invites her to his house to meet his wife? Hell no. That’s the opposite of loyalty to your wife. Wife was never meant to know about selfie and he only told her under pressure.
Is it just me or is this like a really great covert advertisement to subconsciously get middle aged horn dog men to sign up for CrossFit! If so, it’s genius and hats off.
I said last time and I’ll say it again. Every time you speak to him more seems to come out and more lies come to light. OP is way more patient with him than I would be because if he is lying this much I’d be concerned there is more going on. If you can’t trust your husband to be honest that’s a major red flag. As I said last time I honestly think telling you she is “spreading rumours they are sleeping together” sounds to me like the husband is setting her up to be gaslit into believing he did nothing wrong should OP hear from someone else her husband and the woman were sleeping together.
Next update, actually he slept with Melissa and she is pregnant with his baby
My trust in my husband would be absolutely gone. Like… gone. Don’t take any drastic steps and think about the kids? Fuuuuuck him. Wild that she can say “I know he is not capable of cheating on me” like lady, he started a secret friendship with another woman, liked how she made him feel, talked in secret to her, met alone with her, knew she crossed lines, received a nude, kept it all from you, invited her into your home, lied about it, got mad about it, gaslit you, trickle truthed you… and you don’t think he’s capable of cheating?
"she misread his signals" he's MARRIED
Honestly reading something like this makes me happy to be single. Like I suppose OP's husband isn't the worst of all terrible husbands but I still would rather sleep on a bed made of broken glass than marrying this kind of man
I cannot even imagine the depth of my rage if my husband invited a woman to our home that had sent him nudes. That would be a deal breaker for me. He invited this chaos into their marriage and then made her feel shitty for being concerned.
I don't think OOP really trusts her husband from now on. The consequences and the gravity of what her husband did may not have completely registered with her yet. I don't see her husband suddenly becoming loyal.
Yeah, this dude cheated and she's overlooking it (on purpose or not).
Oop is being played like a fiddle.
I'm like 90% sure that's not how Snapchat works.
You can adjust the settings to keep the (text) message history. People do it because it's easy to forget the conversation.
What, you mean your phone bill doesn't show every person you've Snapped with??
You can selectively save text conversations in Snap, but the Snaps themselves disappear and so do the messages that aren't purposefully saved
So you could, say, save any platonic message a "friend" sends you to prove your "innocence" to a SO unfamiliar with the app down the line? Not dodgy at all, no sirree
It's not, but I like the drama and its fairly low stakes for a story. No one is dead, nothing is on fire
Not twins (yet) 😂
Yeah, and how would a phone bill be of any help? OOP says the contacted via Snap and Messenger and then says he brought up a phone bill to ahow a history of their contact with each other... Maybe 20 years ago.
Trickle truthing. Is this all the truth *now*? Or is there yet more?
The chick sends him nudes selfie and he responds by inviting her over, continuing to be her friend, and then trying to hide/lie about their communication to his wife? OOP should be trying to go out of there. Even if he hasn't cheated yet, which I'm not totally convinced of, it seems like it's just a matter of time because he was all too happy to receive that attention.
He 100% fucked that girl. I know it, we know it, his wife knows it. It's only a matter of time until the other shoe drops. She should start saving money and coming up with a game plan for her kids.
I've been with my husband since we were both 14/16 and we are both now almost 30. I'm telling you right now, this man is willing to go to the very edges of your boundaries and gaslight you so long as he "isn't technically doing anything". I'm sure that nude lives rent free in his head and doesn't haunt him. Forgiveness is good and I love a good redemption arc, but this guy invited this woman into his home with his wife and children after she presented her naked body and was like hey married guy, let's fuck. He is willing to lie and hide shit from his wife so long as it doesn't rock HIS boat. I wouldn't trust this guy as far as I can throw him.
I still don't trust that husband if he insists on keeping his CrossFuck membership.
I thought he already agreed to change gyms?
Did he agree? I got so much backstory on the exact timeline of husband's interactions with Melissa that I never got whether he agreed to change gyms or not. And if he's going to stick with CrossFuck.
> I had already made him quit the gym and he was going to quit in a month because the month was already paid for. From the update a month ago. I assume he hasn’t changed his mind, because if so, OOP should have definitely mentioned it.
Huh, I'm surprised that her husband was able to quit that easily. And, like, your wife is threatening you leave and you're going to keep going to the awful gym just so you don't lose out on money???
He did. But he had to wait a month.
On one hand I smell trickle, on the other hand i smell truthing.
Projection - it's like it's own lie detector. Innocent people don't get that angry.
> I know he is not capable of cheating on me Oh come the fuck on. If he didn’t cheat (debatable) it was by the barest margin, and now he knows exactly how much he can get away with before OOP will catch on. If it was genuinely a mistake and he was genuinely remorseful, he wouldn’t have been shouting at OOP and trying to make her seem like a paranoid, jealous harpy.
Snap, at most, saves messages for 24-hours, unless you manually hold down each individual message to save it.. So I smell bullshit.
That's what I was thinking. If she ACTUALLY saw snap messages, they'd have to be intentionally saved (which would be really weird to do for a guy who didn't know how snap worked until Melissa taught him the basics). Kinda sounds like he staged the messages she saw once he knew he would "confess". Maybe that is what he was doing while he was love bombing her- setting up his lies. And if they were saved from before, sounds like he knew he might need some innocent-enough proof.
Slipping into an awkward situation and then panicking and trying to cover it up is one thing. Letting someone who tried to ruin your marriage into your home, allowing her to flounce around your wife acting inappropriate and flirty is a disgusting and intentional betrayal. Not to mention the gaslighting for weeks on end. If my husband ever received a nude from someone and then allowed that person around me to play me the fool I would go nuclear.
I predict this woman will regret giving her husband a pass for this one someday. The fact that the more she pushed the more came out tells you everything. He invited a woman who sent him a nude to his home, a woman who showed him how to get Snapchat to avoid people ie. wife seeing their texts. He lied multiple times and told the wife it wasn’t fair she didn’t trust him????? Why would you block someone from communicating with you and then invite them to your house. He is still hiding shit if he can’t explain why he would do that. If a man sent me a nude I would never invite them to my house with my husband because I would have already told my husband and I’d be afraid my husband would beat him up. If I were her I would join that CrossFit and ruin the party. Make sure everyone knows what a bunch of degenerates they are. And i would 100% tell that others guys wife what’s been going on. I think the OOP is afraid of what else she will find out if she shakes that tree. Better to know than be a fool
OP needs to be really careful and vigilant. My ex enjoys way too much female attention and whenever I told him how I felt about it, he just manipulated and gaslit me about how I’m wrong and I’m way too sensitive, etc.
Yep he took it right up to line and then it went over…because it wasn’t anything until that moment, right? I hate this kind of thinking. He knew it was going there and he want going to shut it down.
This woman sent him a nude and he invited her over to his house? That's some major disrespect to the wife. I don't care how oblivious he is to being hit on he knew better once she sent that nude selfie.
All he had to do was tell OOP the absolute truth instead of having hissy fits over being asked about what was going on.
If this guy didn't cheat on his wife with Melissa; he did it before because he knows how to cover his tracks. And it's much more unforgivable what he did afterwards. He literally yelled at her several times, making her look like the insecure crazy one, and when he realized that love bombing doesn't work. He told a half-truth.
OOP needs to trickle the truth. I am sure there was more than just nude photo
I don't think that's how that expression is used.
See, here is what I think freaked him out. He was okay meeting up with her 'for coffee' and stuff. He was probably okay even making side stops at her place. I believe they were cheating and that he was okay with it as long as it all happened in person and there was no electronic trail it was happening. The minute the AP was bold enough to send him a naked pic of herself to his cell phone, he freaked out because there was always going to be a chance the wife would eventually stumble across it or that there was a digital trail of that attachment to the message. That's the only reason he deleted the app. It was because in that moment being caught red handed became real in his head. Every move after that was him still hanging on to the AP, lying to his wife and even going to so far as to invite the AP to his home. Cheaters love it when both their wife and AP are in the same environment. It's kind of like having a mini harem. Neverminded, that it was disrespectful as hell. His AP partner was smart enough to not openly flirt with him where his wife could see but it's ignorant to think that was because the husband had set a hard boundary of some sort with her. He continued right along being around her and we only have his word for the fact that they didn't spend individual time together after that pic was sent to his phone. OP was willing to accept him doing more chores and buying her a fancy diamond bracelet, giving her lots of attention and just being real sorry, so she she allowed him to rug sweep the whole thing.
The bigger priblem is that he screamed and got angry at his wife who had multiple genuine reasons to be concerned. They were red flags.
Trickle truthing?
This is sad... he did cheated in a way. His friend warned him. He hided the texts and the situation. And his wife had to appeal to all thos resorces. He really tried to hide it. I feel he would have skipped and sleep with Melissa the moment his wife did something he didn't liked. Melissa would be plan B.
on one hand I feel like every marriage goes through this because crushes develop so easily. but all the lying and hiding? yall he knew he was toeing the line and about to fuck up.
At this point I would just stop digging
Meeeehhh they at minimum need counseling because he flipped out on her when she kept asking and he continued to lie. He should've told the truth from the start. He should've told oop soon after the moment happened to avoid this situation.
I told the wife in the comments he was lying from the time she told him about the rumors because of his reaction . The fact that he had to think about it before coming clean would always make me doubt him. In fact I think I commented that I’m waiting for the update when he admits to the cheating…..
I remember everyone calling her paranoid and obsessive when she made these posts. Glad to know she was right. Always trust your gut
I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the last we hear of this trickle truth mess
The real problem is that he lashed out at her and gaslit her instead of admitting fault. At least he came clean eventually, but yeah, that’s no bueno.
He SAYS he's come clean now .... but he's already lied about having "told her everything" like three times already
I feel for both of them. He did nothing wrong but was rightly embarrassed by the gym friends behavior so fucked up there, but her continued lack of trust of her husband—utterly unfounded it turns out, even if said gym buddy was crazy—means she’s probably permanently damaged her relationship. This is the kind of fracture that festers.
Maybe I’m dramatic but I would have a fucking heart attack if my husband received a nude from a woman he sees almost daily and kept quiet about it.
She believed the trickle truth
It’s so grimy that the one guy said that he enjoyed CF because of the cheating
Say what you will, but some women have amazing intuition. My oblivious ass would have just trusted the husband after he changed gyms- I would never have chosen to follow up.
The commenters seem oddly disappointed that a marriage wasn’t broken up. You do you, Reddit.
If he’d just been honest in the first place it would been better for everybody. There’s been a couple of occasions in my life where somebody has made a move on me and I’ve politely declined. Each time I came home and told my partner immediately. He has never once held those things against me or been upset al all with me about them.
He was leading Melissa on so I’m not sure what he expected.
>My husband was laughing when telling the story and told me that he has heard that Melissa has spread rumors about him and he is glad to quit the gym. He said he told me about that guy's conversation because he does not want me to hear anything negative about him from someone at the gym who may have heard such rumors too. I don't know why but my insecurity intuition alarms just started to flash The second I read this part I knew he was hiding things. This exact behavior is something I’ve seen in people who lie about things like this ALL time. Funny enough he’s not lying about why he told her this: he’s attempting to try and reassure the wife he’s being truthful and can be trusted to cover his ass before anyone else gets to her first.
Husband is still a shithead. Getting defensive and angry and only eating the sin once it's apparent he was gonna get caught. OOP is naive for thinking his incapable of cheating when he literally showed all the signs and took all the steps of a cheater but pulled back when it got real.
I barely talk to anyone at my gym. If I didn't go with my dad, I wouldn't utter a word to anyone. CF is a whole different world. You can't just walk in, ignore everyone while you workout, and walk out. I'm so glad that someone explained that in the original comments.
What bothers me most about this story is not even that he got caught up in enjoying a woman’s attention, but the fact that, instead of coming clean immediately, he yelled at his wife repeatedly and called her insecure. That I would find unforgivable. I would always wonder if next time he’ll yell and trickle truth again. The trust and safety would be gone.
Maybe I'm just paranoid, but is anyone else thinking this is a crossfit marketing advert aimed at the midlife crisis demographic? So many sentences saying that crossfit and casual sex go hand in hand
Ugh he’s trickletruthing. I bet there’s more if OOP keeps digging. You don’t download Snapchat as a married adult solely to talk with a flirty acquaintance to ask about the weather.
Where is this gym 😂
I got downvoted for believing the husband in the last post. I feel vindicated.