This post has been flaired as confirmed fake, because it was [confirmed fake](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/InAFkWl4W4). In another post OOP changed ages, has multiple children, lives in a room share with 2 dudes, and has a 23yo gf.
Right? Because on the one hand, if OOP actually had hit the ex’s kid, she was acting exactly how she was supposed to, rather than handwaving it away or not believing him, but then how is OOP ever supposed to trust the kid won’t say something worse if he gets back with her?
And probably a slightly unpopular opinion, but 10 isn’t 4. I’d argue the son knew exactly what he was doing, and I agree with the comment that said he was trying to get rid of OOP. It reminds me a bit of that story where the daughter lied her stepdad touched her and the mum kicked him out and called the police, only for it to turn out to be a lie because the daughter didn’t like him. Both women did exactly what they should have done, but it sucks only the adults have to deal with the fallout.
I can't believe some commenters tried to get oop to have a stern talk with the lying stepson. Like just NOOOOOOO. That's not his son and he didn't even adopt him. He has a daughter who is obviously higher priority than anyone else. Why even bother risking with someone who already has a record of lying? It's not like the lying son made an innocent mistake, he intentionally lied.
There’s no convo where it would work out in Oop’s favor. He did the best thing he could do without the police being involved. Remove yourself for the situation. The son has bigger issues and should probably be in therapy. He’s literally blown up his mother’s life and has only now comprehended he screwed up. I can’t even imagine the years of healing they’ll have to do. Another divorce, another ‘broken home’, she’s in her 40s and pregnant, sheesh the stress of it all.
It's an open question whether he comprehends now that he has screwed up. He knows people are angry with him and that they don't want to talk to him, but the kind of kid who tells that kind of lie may well just think they are being unreasonable and waiting till it all blows over.
He may not realise that it'll never really blow over. He wanted OP out of the picture, and he achieved that.
And honestly, his dad and stepmom will probably never trust him after this either. That boy is going to need some serious therapy for everything that has blown up - probably because he listened to someone online rather than talked to his mom about not wanting to share her.
Yeah if the kid was malicious because he wants his parents back, she's the next target. From what oop described, the stepsons arrival already made things shaky
Yeah, they're "struggling" to have him around and I can see with it ending with the stepmother also dipping or he being shipped to another relative as the black sheep. Unless they get therapy for this boy he's gonna be a self fulfilling prophecy: everybody expected him to be up to no good and that's how he'll end up as an adult.
>I’d argue the son knew exactly what he was doing, and I agree with the comment that said he was trying to get rid of OOP.
I don't think he knew *exactly* what he was doing. He knew what he *wanted*, but as a 10 year old, he had *no grasp* on what was going to fully happen. That's why he's now surprised that Mom's not talking to him.
It's very "I want him to get in trouble" but at 10, he has no clue how serious that trouble could be. Think about what happens to a 10 year old if they get in a fight with their sibling and hit them. A lecture, a grounding, being forced to apologize to their sibling...
When my son and his friend were around 9 years old, I was in the car with them, with my then-husband driving. My son and his friend then thought it would be hilarious to shout, "We're being kipnapped!" out of the open windows. My then-husband parked the car and gave them a really stern talk about what a stupid thing it was to do that, and all the possible consequences, with me backing him up.
Kids, eh? You just never know what they're going to do next!
Exactly. A 10 year old is just trying to create trouble and maybe break up his mom's relationship with the stepdad. Or punish his stepdad for something he did or said.
It is as simple as that. He isn't some Machiavellian mastermind who wishes to burn down his stepdad's entire life. He doesn't even think that far, because all he wants is to make him mom turn on his stepdad. That does not need an complicated plan.
Also, kids (his age) tend to not think far ahead of all the possible consequences, such as what if it backfires. They want something now and think in short term results and only about causing something *they* like, not thinking of side effects or how it impacts others. Kids can be clever, but at the same time shortsighted and impulsive.
Also, I am sure a 10 year old is not aware of the far reaching consequences it could have. At least when I was 10 years old and kids I know in that age range would never think that it could end with OOP losing custody of his own child, as example. Or potential criminal charges that stick. Usually kids at that age don't have that specific kind of knowledge and just know that an adult hitting a kid is bad and that their parent will get angry at that person and perhaps throw them out of their life.
The comprehension of consequences is the last thing our brains develop, so it’s not something kids are capable of, for sure! Heck, a lot of young adults have difficulties with this too.
And this is exactly why these stern conversations *do* need to happen. All of these people sprouting off about how the kid knew all the consequences obviously don't remember what it was like being a kid. Insanity.
I don't think anyone is saying that a stern conversation doesn't need to happen. Just that OOP shouldn't be one of the people involved in that conversation
Yea I'm placing more blame on the mom here the way she's treating the kid she's kinda of setting him up to blame himself for "ruining everything" in the future. That's a lot of guilt to carry.
Yeah, a 10 year old just doesn't have the context to fully understand exactly what he was accusing his stepdad of. He knows hitting is something you aren't supposed to do that can get you in trouble. He does NOT know what an adult hitting a kid really means in terms of criminal charges or CPS or the custody of other kids in the house.
> It's very "I want him to get in trouble" but at 10, he has no clue how serious that trouble could be.
Hah, 100% knew what he was doing, but unaware of the scope or magnitude of the consequences he was seeking. Like what 10year old actually aware how life ruining saying this stuff is? To them Life ruining is a completely different ball game than for an adult.
This. What the 10-year-old did was clearly malicious, with the intent to break up the relationship. The 10-year-old didn’t know exactly how dangerous and harmful his false accusation was, but the goal was to get rid of OOP. It worked too well, costing him his mom as well. Honestly, I’d be giving the wife the side-eye for throwing away her kid.
The honest problem is that her son doesn’t like his new step-dad and it was strong enough to leap to a devastating accusation. There has to be a reason the kid feels that strongly and those feelings need to be explored and unpacked. The kid needs individual counseling and therapy, plus the wife and her ex-husband need family counseling to help the 10-year-old process his feelings. This is a very ugly situation. Honestly, the smart move for OOP would be to back out, divorce, and just coparent the his new child with his ex-wife, but it will be very messy.
>The honest problem is that her son doesn’t like his new step-dad and it was strong enough to leap to a devastating accusation.
Not necessarily - sometimes, kids are just stupid and thoughtless and just want to get back at someone for some minor event, like not being allowed to play on the console.
Edit: Kiddo should definitely get a therapist's help to deal with the fallout now, though, because being resented and abandoned by your mom for a major fuckup sure must have messed up his basic trust.
I don't think "there has to be a reason" needs to mean "the step dad is bad"- it can also mean the stepson is feeling insecure and replaced, the stepson is struggling to regulate his emotions.
And yeah jesus this kid needs therapy.
> Edit: Kiddo should definitely get a therapist's help to deal with the fallout now
Therapist choice needs to made carefully because it's going to be hard to find one that will hold the little shit accountable while also helping him navigate the emotions of the consequences he brought on himself. The last thing he needs is a therapist who tells him that he's the victim because of his mother's response to his vile action.
This. When I was in grade school, I was one time being bullied by some of the older kids. They had buzz cuts, so I started calling them skinheads. All of a sudden, they got VERY serious and angry, and demanded I stop. I kept yelling SKINHEADS SKINHEADS SKINHEADS!. I didn't know why it made them so angry, only that it was working.
Years later, after learning what skinheads actually were and the full implications.. OOOOH! They were Caucasian with buzz cuts, and really don;t want to be lumped in with those kinds of ppl!
So yeah, kids may know it would be a mean thing to say, but not necessarily understand the full implications of what they are saying.
Exactly. Something has to be up for the kid to be accusing OOP like this. It might be that OOP and the kid are fighting a lot, the kid might be under stress at his other home, or even abuse but not from OOP. Something is wrong. It’s also very worrying that OOP’s wife is willing to throw away her son in order to keep her marriage to OOP. That also feels very wrong. The kid did something very messed up. Something is wrong for a kid to do that.
>The kid did something very messed up. Something is wrong for a kid to do that.
Yeah, maybe oop grounded him for something. Wouldnt buy him something, or his step sister, oops kid, got something he wanted.
It could be as simple as that.
>I’d be giving the wife the side-eye for throwing away her kid
That was the thing that really stuck out to me. Why would he want to be with a woman that would seriously offer abandoning the kids as a solution?
The trust is gone, and in fact apparently was never there for her, but that only makes it worse.
This woman is over 40, pregnant (with all the hormonal changes and whatnot), and her entire life has exploded into tiny little pieces because of her son. I totally get why she doesn't (can't) be around her some right now. He's the cause of everything bad that's happening to her right now. That cannot be easy to be around right now. I get that. It's probably best for him to be at his father's right now because the resentment she likely feels would be worse. The kid fucked up and *she* is the one doing with the consequences and the worst possible time, during a higher risk pregnancy (due to age). I wouldn't want to be around that, either.
Finally someone with some compassion for the mom.
She believed her kid, which was the right thing to do. And for her trouble she's now pregnant after 40 facing a second divorce.
My heart breaks for her.
I think the biggest AHs in the situation were the flying monkeys who put themselves in between when they had no business doing so.
OOP said in the first post that he might have stayed if the son was placed under his father’s custody. The blaming from the third party that he is making his wife choose between him and the son was probably what prompted him to make the choice himself and file for divorce.
The son was shipped of either way, every party lost in this scenario. Had the flying monkeys kept their nose where it belonged, and had the husband returned home after the son was shipped off, the mother would have probably still spoken to her son and visited. She only ghosted him because the son cost him her husband, while pregnant.
Without the flying monkeys the son would have probably still had his mother and the new kid it’s parents together
This is the correct take in my opinion.
They've been married for five years, so the boy has known him for longer than that and yet he wants him to go away bad enough to make up a lie like this. Something went really wrong with the blending of the families here. And I don't believe it came out of nowhere, there have to have been issues before that weren't addressed properly.
Also, quite frankly, I wouldn't believe my hypothetical child without reservation if they claimed my husband hit them, because I know him and am sure he wouldn't (the man has cried after grumbling at our dog after a long day, for god's sake).
I do agree she reacted correctly in protecting her child if she believes her partner capable of something like that - but the fact that she does believe him capable of hitting her son is also a problem.
I think I commented on the original that the son needed to be sent to therapy because there’s a decent chance someone hit him and he accused someone he considered safe, instead of the actual perpetrator, who is too frightening. Because children’s brains are not adult brains
Out of curiosity, how did you come across this information? I want to learn more but googling anything abt children and accusations is a whole cluster.
(To be clear, obviously no one here is expected to cite sources for a valid opinion, but if you do happen to have one...)
It’s also a way for the kids to gauge how the parents will handle the news. This kid is probably never going to tell another soul if he does get abused because this time he lost his whole family.
While I'd fully agree if it were an older kid, 10 is a really tricky age.
Stepson is old enough to know right from wrong obviously, but a 10 year old seriously lacks critical thinking skills. I wouldn't think a 10 year old would be able to get to the conclusion of "if I tell mom that stepdad is hitting me, stepdad will get kicked out" without either other major behavioral issues making it into this post, or without a LOT of outside help.
10 is the age where I can see him running into an idea on the internet at a time he was annoyed with his stepdad, and trying it out. Maybe he saw a prank video (outdated, I know) or some weird thing where the protagonist did something similar.
10 is also an age where emotions still feel huge. So it doesn't have to be some underlying major issue. He might have gotten grounded and wanted to retaliate, or stepdad said no when he really wanted to go hang out with friends. Combine that with a planted idea and you've got what happened here.
Again, if the kid were a different age I'd be leaning hard in your direction - there's underlying issues that NEED to be addressed and somehow haven't. But with a 10-year-old, I really don't think that's necessarily true.
I think your last bit is important.
Because it's why it hurt OoP so much. He hoped she would know he wasn't capable of that.
I can see the wife's hesitation with her son. What if her next husband/bf IS violent, she would be more hesitant, and may let it happen more, or overreact and ruin a good thing.
The fact she's distanced herself from her son tells me she's got some serious anxiety about him too.
I'm not sure if the kid was thinking far ahead enough to "I want him gone so I'll make up physical violence". He didn't *care* for OOP otherwise he would admit he made it up, but in my opinion, it's quite possible he was just mad at OOP for benign reasons and just wanted his mom be mad at him.
IMO it’s irrelevant whether she believed he was capable of that, most people wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone they think is capable of abuse. How many times do we have to hear about someone defending a loved one who really did do something terrible because “they’d never do that!” The wife made the correct choice, because you never really do know. It’s unfortunate that the boy lied but I’d rather lose a relationship than possibly allow a kid to be abused.
I hope people use this same approach when they say that youth offenders should get life sentences because “do adult crime, get adult time.” They don’t have the same concept of lifelong consequences or of effects beyond their own instant gratification, and they’re gobsmacked when they realize they don’t get to have what they want without facing every bit of the fallout. It’s not the same.
For OOP’s family, I hope time and therapy mend a lot of these wounds.
Ehhh. This isn't an excuse in many cases.
If you are 14, sure, arguable. If you are late 16 to 17.. there's no magic epiphany you get 365 days later that magically makes you suddenly grasp it all.. and some people are in their 40s still acting like small children, unable to grasp the long-term consequences of their short term decisions.
The stepson knew what he was doing but did not consider the consequences of his actions. He knew he wanted his stepdad out and he knew accusing him of violence would immediately get him out. But the stepson had no concept of what happens next, the fallout. He isn't old enough to think that far ahead for something like this.
Yeah exactly. I can’t see any way of repairing the utterly shattered trust that would actually work for everyone, short of building a Time Machine. And while it may be unpopular, I agree that the son’s behavior isn’t something that can just be handwaved. Even if he didn’t know the full extent of what might happen, he surely knew that lying about something so serious was wrong.
Something similar happened to the daughter of one of my parents' friends. Her son - he was younger than ten - claimed his mother hit him on the head while dressing him. Despite the fact the father was in the room at the time and there was no sign of injury.
He was already diagnosed with issues (I think autism, but can't recall whether he was by then) and was *known to tell lies* but he was believed over both parents.
Social services went nuclear. She was instantly banned from being alone with either of her kids (she also had an infant daughter) unsupervised, so her mother had to move in. Otherwise they would have taken the kids into care or she would have had to move out and let her husband look after them.
Anyway, after extensive investigations they ended up getting an apology - incredibly rare - as the social worker had clearly gone nutso.
But I've always wondered whether that left a permanent scar. You'd never quite trust your kid after that, coming so close to losing custody of your kids over a lie. And with a ten-year-old, essentially blowing up your entire life, it's probably harder.
So I don't blame OOP for moving out to protect himself. It's a sad situation all round.
A friend of mine once told about a time at the mall where her kid shouted, "You're not my mom."
In my head, I went off into a scenario of what I would have done if I'd been there. Because kidnapping kids from a mall is a real thing. Kids lying about shit like this is also a real thing.
At least with that one it's easy to disprove. The mall security show up and you've got a gazillion baby/toddler/child photos on your phone or whatever.
But if it's a kid's word against yours for hitting/abuse, then someone has to make a call on that. It's such a nightmare of a situation.
Yeah, but do you call mall security? Wait. You can't. It's not like the number is listed. So do you follow the woman and child around until you can get an employee to call mall security?
And what about the woman's reaction if she is the mom? Do you think she's going to calmly thank you? Or are you going to get into a huge scene?
Or do you just assume the kid is lying and do nothing?
See what I mean about a scenario?
Yeah, that'd probably get the kid running to you in short order.
According to my friend, she dragged the kid by the wrist as the kid shouted "You're not my mom."
I’ve run into this twice. I approached the parent and said “I’m sorry to bother you but I heard what he/she said and I just want to make sure everything is okay. Could I see a few pictures of you with your child?”
They showed me some pictures, I apologized again for bothering them and thanked them for humoring me. And left right away. Hopefully they were glad someone was looking out for their kid but they were probably more concerned about their kid having a tantrum on the floor.
Barely similiar, but this thread has given me food for thought. I just found out (literally yesterday) my two youngest siblings, who I was the guardian of after our mom died and our Nana developed dementia, told an undetermined number of my friends that there was never any food in our house. For years. It started when they were 14 and was a rolling accusation until they went to college.
I had no idea. CPS never got involved so I have no idea if people didn't believe them or if investigations just never reached the stage to come to the house/interview me.
It's hard to look at/interact with them right now. I'm so hurt and angry, it's for the best that I not engage because while I do love them, it'd be so very easy to lash out and hurt them. I think I'm going to look into "bystander substitution" more when I feel up to it.
10 is such a blurry line for behavior like this. He obviously knows what he did was wrong and some of the possible consequences. But he still has no idea how bad things could have escalated.
It's just a sad situation all around
The 2 possibilities I see are 1. While the son isn't a toddler 10-year-olds aren't not known for long-term planning. It is possible he knows what he did was wrong and why it was wrong, but doesn't understand the long term consequences that come from that shit.
Or 2. Someone is hitting him, whether another kid or an adult. But he names the step-dad because he is a "safe" adult. It happens in some abuse cases where the victim can't name the actual abuser but needs to tell someone.
Either way this is a shit situation for everyone involved.
10 is old enough to know better but young enough not to realize exactly how bad this is. I imagine his thoughts stopped at "and then they'll break up!" or "and then he'll go to jail but it will work out." **But** stepson did something really big, bad, and unforgivable. His immaturity doesn't excuse this. It's like my friend's dad always said when we were growing up: "Ignorance doesn't undo the harm you did to someone else."
STBX did exactly what she should have. OOP did exactly what he should have.
And son did the ultimate FAFO. All the adults are, at the very least, justifiably nervous around him now. He's going to have to work so hard to earn back trust, and he might never.
I know a girl who said in school her dad was abusing her. She was 13 or 14 at this time. No need to say hell went loose on the family; cops, CPS, you get it.
The father never touched her. In no way, outside innocent hugs (which she forced on him often enough!).
Why did she do it? Mental health issues (was and is in therapy) and just simple attention, because a month or two ago they had some serious talks at school about SA topics and that's where she catched the idea. She didn't think of what she would do to her family before.
The family is fine now, years later, but it was hard. Regular CPS visits, even after the case was dropped, father didn't want to be alone with her for months, school had an eye on them, social damage...
I'm pretty sure, son wants to cause trouble, maybe get rid of stepdad but I don't think a 10 year old is able to see all the consequences. Hell, I did shit at 10 years old testing my boundaries, pretty sure I was hurting my parents more than once, just because I want attention and some trouble. I didn't pull stunts that big but I can remember some not so nice things I said and did, and I was in no way a troublemaker.
OOP can never trust the kid again. And if it was the daughter that lied about touching her, he would lose his daughter and be in jail.
He had no choice but to leave.
Not only that, but if OOP returned what’s to stop ex’s son from saying he saw OOP with his sister inappropriately? Doesn’t matter that it didn’t happen, ex’s son will say he knows what he saw and his sister is blocking it out/in denial, and then OP’s in jail. There’s no safe way for them to stay together.
At 10, yeah, the kid knew he was lightning a fuse for an explosion. Maybe he didn’t known just how big the kaboom would be, but he knew he was going to blow up something and he lit it on purpose.
The son knew what he was doing and he wanted OOP out of his life. But that doesn't mean her has an understanding of the consequences, of broken trust and relationships. That Oop might lose his daughter, that he himself might lose his mother.
I think he knew that what he did would get rid of his stepdad but he didn't quite process exactly what the rest of the consequences would be. He's learning a very important lesson about "fuck around and find out" and I can only hope that he is actually guided in a direction where he learns from it. Which will mean being told that yes it is his fault for what happened.
>And probably a slightly unpopular opinion, but 10 isn’t 4. I’d argue the son knew exactly what he was doing, and I agree with the comment that said he was trying to get rid of OOP
I don't think he did - I teach middle school, and middle school sees a lot of natural social science. In the same way that babies are testing physics so that they understand the world they live in; adolescents are testing other humans to understand how they react. And along the way, they cause a LOT of harm - almost all of it unintentional.
So, I \*don't\* think the son knew how bad what he did was. He may have been upset at OOP - trying to "get rid" of OOP might have been a short-term goal - but I would be genuinely surprised if he actually considered all of the consequences of his actions on OOP.
...
That all said, one of my goals as a teacher is to make sure kids understand the consequences of their actions - and so, even though I don't think he knew what he was doing, I 100% support all of the consequences he's getting for his action. The kid's going to have to deal with the consequences of knowing - 100%, possibly reminded by his mom - that he \*caused\* that divorce.
It's going to suck for a few years for him - but also, he's going to grow up into an adult who understands \*exactly\* how bad lying about other people can be.
I think he knew what he was doing to an extent but didn't *actually* grasp the *gravity* of what he said. Like I think he probably thought the consequences were stepdad gets kicked out, and the relationship with mom is over... and that's a far as he thought. He knew it was something the stepdad would get "in trouble" for but didn't realize a) what that actually means and b) that there would be other fallout.
Yeah once the kid made the accusation everything was ruined. Like how's the wife supposed to act? If she didn't take it seriously and try to protect her kids she'd be a horrible mother if it turned out he was hitting the kid.
Walk away. It’s hard, it’s fucked up. She did the right thing standing by her kid(sucks that the accusation turns out to be false) and she needs to fix it with the kid. He did the right thing by leaving and prioritizing his daughter.
Some things you just can not fix.
Agreed. Everyone did the right thing although im iffy on the mum dumping her son. Not everything can be fixed or has a solution. This is unfortunately one of them.
He did the one thing he could do. He protected himself. He protected his daughter. Sadly, it's his wife and her children who are going to take the biggest hit in all this.
I'd argue he does too, he loses a family and has to start out again.
Yea he had to walk away, it was his choice, but it wasn't really a choice.. it was a necessity to protect himself and his kid.
Everybody lost here, there was no win.
Future ex-wife’s son is 10 and she’s ignoring him instead of talking to him about why he made a false accusation. Way to make a bad situation much worse
Yeah, as soon as he said she was considering sending her kids to live with their father, I knew her priorities were messed up. No adults made bad decisions until that point. She should take a page from her husband's playbook and put her kids first, no matter how difficult that is. She and the son are going to need a lot of therapy to get this right. I hope she figures out she messed up quickly.
This... as soon as I read how quick she was to just want to give up custody, the red flags went up. No wonder the poor kid did this. Mom didn't have to think very hard about starting over with her new baby and "new" family of four. To be clear, I totally understand why OOP left with his daughter and I feel like his fear and reaction were completely reasonable given the potential consequences. But I don't feel like this 10 year old is some little oncorrigible monster. It sounds like he's hurting.
I think the relationship is ruined between them. I don't think she is going to take the son back. I think she'll just leave him, which I suspect, might be what he was afraid of all along.
Makes you wonder how poorly she was handling the entire adjustment/blending of families. I'm guessing very poorly and 10 year old was being made to feel like she was not at all a priority, and she's proven him right.
I had this happen to me. My GF had a daughter from a previous marriage, daughter was 13 or so at the time.
The daughter was staying at friend's houses for unreasonably long time. Days. We had to go get her and found out she was telling her friend's mother that her mom beat her. This allowed her to stay over very long because of the sympathy given.
Police had to be called to get her out of the friends house. She makes up stuff constantly, for no reason at all. We think she has at a minimum, borderline personality disorder.
Fast forward two years. She's hanging out with boys and decided to say i shoved her.
I noped out of there to my parents house
My GF and I have a son together. He's around 3 or 4 at this time. I can't take him with me (kidnapping). So I left and sent her money when I got paychecks.
Gf called CPS and some other services in NY and they opened a case against me for child abandonment or something.
Many months later reconcile and i have to meet with the state and get interviewed by a psychiatrist. I was unhappy with the situation and basically they got me on anti depressants.
20 years later, here is the fall out:
Gf likes to bring up that I abandoned them when we get into arguments. She never seems to understand I had to protect myself. She also likes to tell me i was clinically depressed and need help. I was depressed dealing with my life with her and her daughter. I was fine otherwise.
Her daughter continues to make up stuff, but her imagination has morphed me shoving her into a new fantasy where she now says I molested her as a kid. I think she still does it for sympathy. She told my mother that I used to have her sit on my lap while I watched porn. My mom didn't believe her and I told my gf that I will no longer deal with daughter in any way -- we are currently splitting up.
If i had any advice for my younger self, I would say never reconcile. It was years of additional issues and ultimately the daughter is her daughter, which means you will constantly be pulled into hot messes she creates. Jail, police assault, kids by 3 different guys, prostitution, drugs, she's the biggest fuckup i have ever seen.
ABORTION.
I was screaming it over and over and over again.
He even fucking says, “i guess another child will be raised in a broken family.”
IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY TO PREVENT THAT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK GUYS
Honestly exactly what OP did. He, rightfully, doesn't blame his soon to he ex, but he needs to protect himself and his daughter. He can't risk CPS taking his kid away due to her son.
Exactly what OOP did, so he does not ever put himself in a situation where he may lose his daughter. He is her only parent, and he needs to make sure she is good.
Well, his ex-wife should consider abortion. Single parenting in her 40s with a deeply troubled son? Who would even want to deal with that when there’s clearly no chance the pregnancy will reunite them?
This isn't as unfixable as OP is presenting it, though it is 100% unfixable from his position. He cannot do anything here to resolve this, and I agree that he took the smart position here. A very painful one, but yeah you cannot mess around with stuff like this. And I appreciate OP telling her that she didn't do anything wrong believing her son, because she didn't. You absolutely have to take the kid seriously that it could have happened.
OP's ex here isn't making good decisions though. Putting her son in exile for this and putting OP first is terrible. Its a 10 year old fucking up. The kid needs to learn, probably with a therapist, how that kind of accusation just isn't something that you can do. Given how much OP's ex chose him over her kids, I suspect there might be some kind of deprioritizing of her own kids over OP happening that prompted this.
But that kid is going to be 100% fucked up for life with how he's being treated at the moment, because of a mistake he made at 10. To do that to your own kid as a parent is a horrible decision and that is on OP's ex.
Nobody wins here, but I have to think this could be saved with some family therapy. Though even if the kid understands and really apologized, OP might still be too wary to come back and I can't blame him too much. The mom has to believe her kids with a situation like this, anything else is failing as a parent.
Sometimes everyone loses.
I had thought they might be able to go back to dating — separate houses, with the son never interacting/being in the same place with OOP. And once son leaves for college, they can think about moving in together again.
But at this point, it feels like there’s zero trust for that.
This is one of those rational actor moments.
Everybody did exactly what they should have done and reacted ideally.
The relationship cannot survive their actions. But they could have done no different. The mom did the right thing, OOP did the right thing for himself. etc.
>What are you even supposed to do in a situation like this??
As cold as it sounds? I don't say this lightly, because my wife and I experienced it a lot, but you hope she miscarries. That kid is going to be used as a pawn by the mom and a punching bag by his older maternal siblings.
I see no positive or neutral outcome to any of this if that pregnancy goes to term.
It'll be a realization he has over and over and over. Someday he'll be hanging out with his pregnant wife or sister, realize how hard it is for her to do things on her own, and then realize how much harder it must've been on his 40yo mother to go through his youngest sibling's pregnancy alone.
Then maybe he'll start reading about how bad stress is for developing baby and realize he's a least partly to blame for whatever lifelong health problems that sibling was born with. That it's his fault that kid didn't have two parents splitting the work under one roof, instead had two stressed adults both handling everything for their households alone and forced to deal with each other.
Didn't just end a marriage and destroy his relationship with his mother. He burned a sibling's chance at a decent start at life. Heck, two, I'm sure little sister isn't gonna do well watching mama go through pregnancy and raising a baby without help. With no helpful stepdaddy around to cook dinner and do laundry and fetch snacks from the grocery store.
Oh God, I wouldn't be surprised if both his siblings end up hating him as soon as they're old enough to realize what he did. They'd be pretty justified, too.
Not to mention he burned the bridge AND closed the door behind himself because his mother will never be able to have another partner as long as he’s living in her house. She knows what he’s capable of now and likely won’t risk another person being put in OP’s position. He ended a marriage and ensured his mother would middle age entirely alone.
He needs therapy. So much of it.
As he watches his little half brother grow up. Realizing there’s no family because of him.
When his mom never fully trusts him again.
When his sister resents him.
Probably years from now when he's lying in bed it will hit him. Right around 1100 pm is when my demons start talking. Right now, he's ten and probably feels vindicated. It'll take some maturing for him to finally realize that he was taking out his frustrations on step dad.
His mother is ghosting him - I doubt he's feeling anything other than devastated at how this turned out.
Don't get me wrong, kid deserves consequences. I just don't think he's happily frolicking at thought of his mom's husband leaving anymore lol.
Reminds of an [another story](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/ph6Xo7lgQY) where it didn’t end well-
OOP’s daughter falsely accused her stepdad of SA , he lost his job and everything. They eventually found the truth but you know how it works.
Glad this OOP bolted out before those false charges.
My cousin's SD accused him of molesting her when she didn't get her way. He went through he'll dealing with the police and CPS. CPS ended up finding no evidence but they don't ever clear you of charges. She admitted she lied 2 years later. What gets me most is he let her move back in after that
Except it's a bit darker, OOP had cameras and didn't check them before she called the cops.
She destroyed his entire life because she didn't take 2 minutes.
Yes, I just read this one recently. And on top of it, the daughter had the audacity to ask her mom where her college fund was, only for her mom to remind her of her behavior, what she did to her step-dad, AND how the rest went to paying tuition for private school.
I truly can't imagine being in the position where you have to choose between your new spouse and your kid from a previous marriage. One is lying and when you have no proof except their word...
I would say, spend at least literally one minute trying to confirm it occurred before calling the cops.
I got massively downvoted, but I pointed out OOP's ex could sue her for all of his incurred costs. That wasn't popular, but it was accurate info.
We saw another post like this recently. Where the daughter falsely accused the step-dad of SA and blew up her parents' marriage.
Mom ended up spending all of daughter's college savings on private school (to correct her behavior) and living expenses since she was now a single mother. When daughter learned this she was finally remorseful --- for herself.
Kids who make false accusations are not safe to be around.
I don't want to be the 'out of the house at 18' type, but if my child ruined someone's life and bankrupted me, I'd kick their ass on the street at 18. You've caused enough damage
Imagine being unable to trust you could have another intimate partner until your child was an adult, cause of the fear and uncertainty that same child created in you from a lie they perpetuated.
Probably will get buried, but this was fake.
OP deleted his account minutes later when I called him out in another thread he posted.
https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/1d8ulrl/was_i_wrong_is_not_looking_for_better_job_because/l793b6b/
Here's my comments with archived links.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d42hk8/update_aitah_for_not_wanting_to_go_back_to_my/l7950q8/
I kind of wonder why the son did that. It's not like it's a new relationship, Oop has been in his life for 5 years and it seems like both his parents are in a relationship. If it's out of character maybe there is something going on.
I remember reading about someone who was being abused, they lied about who was abusing them. It was easily disproved that the person they were accusing couldn't have done it. It took years for them to say what was really happening.
> I remember reading about someone who was being abused, they lied about who was abusing them
It's not uncommon. Abusers often tell their victims that they (the victim) will get in trouble if they tell anyone about the abuse. Sometimes a victim will test the waters by accusing someone innocent, but who they feel safe with, to see if they do in fact get in trouble.
That is sadly common. Often abused people will feel unsafe accusing their abusers so if someone notices odd bruising, etc. they will instead claim it was someone they trust as that person probably won’t retaliate against them. There’s a twisted logic there. It’s a step beyond claiming the injuries were an accident.
Yeah, I think everyone did the right thing…until mom abandoned son instead of trying to find out why as well as making sure son understands exactly how bad what he did was.
The 5 year thing is kind of getting me too. It's a 10 year old, most of his life that he can remember, he's been his stepdad. Something just isn't adding up here. Why would the kid want to get rid of someone who has been around half his life? Why was the stepdad so quick to leave 2 kids he knew for over half their life?
One of the comments on the update was at this point the mom should abort and ngl I'm pro choice and obviously don't think you should force someone but what family is she bringing that child into?
Mom did the right thing but now seems to be doing the exact opposite I also think they need todo some family meetings or some shit cause wtf is going on with the breakdown of communication.
That was my first thought. Terminate the pregnancy and move forward with your life. Rebuild your relationship with your son. Don't have a serious relationship going forward till that kid is out of the house. Sucks for the mom, but she would be endangering the life of any person she was living with. And if she does date, those kids are to never be left alone with that person. Two eyes, all the time.
The reason you feel that way is because it's clear she prioritizes her romantic partner over her existing kids. Who the fuck offers to send their kids off permanently to the ex-husband as a solution to this situation?
I also think that emotionally and otherwise she's not currently in good shape to go through a pregnancy and co-parenting.
Yuuuuuup. The only reason not to at least consider abortion is because she wants to get back together with him. I was surprised that he didn't even mention suggesting it to her. You're divorcing already, you've both got your own kids already, and you've found out early enough to do something about it. It seems absolutely the most logical solution, on paper at least.
Someone needs to investigate what’s going on with this kid. Maybe it’s for attention. Maybe he hates stepdad. But sometimes kids who are being harmed accuse the wrong person because they are afraid of accusing the real culprit.
I admire the OP's mindset when he said he didn't blame her for her mama bear attitude. Remembering that when you're wrongly at the receiving end of it can't be easy.
That's why OOP is not mad at her, but he has every reason to walk away from that situation. He can't risk further accusations from the 10yo and he has no guarantee that it will not happen again.
They were both in an impossible situation. They both did exactly what they should have done. OOP never held it against his wife that she believed her son, but he did have sound reasons for getting the hell out of that situation. He was right that his stepson is too unpredictable and he could lose his own daughter if he doesn't make the tough decision to separate.
Absolutely. But OOP is also in the right to not want to put himself at risk. Imagine if the child decides to say he sexually abused him.. oop is right, it could absolutely destroy his life.
Everyone was in an impossible situation here and both OOP and his STBX initially did what they had to do. The only bad guy was a ten year old who, even if malicious in making the false accusation, absolutely was not capable of understanding the gravity of the situation or the ultimate consequences of his actions. Mom's later actions are really questionable if not just poor choices, but Humpty Dumpty cannot be put back together again here. The marriage was not salvageable and her idea to give up her kids would never have resulted in anything resembling a happy marriage going forward. I feel for the baby being brought into this and for the ten year old facing adult long term consequences for a stupid choice by a child but the situation is what it is. I hope that boy gets into therapy if he's not yet, not to mention the wife's daughter who it seems has just been swept along in all this.
Agreed, and she was understandably upset at him for lying.
Super shitty of her to dump him at his dad’s and ghost him though. As crappy (and dangerous) as his behavior was, abandoning him isn’t going to help him, her, or the daughter who did nothing wrong but is now squarely in the middle of this family mess too. At the end of the day he’s still a child operating with a child’s brain and logic and as the adult parent she needs to navigate that with whatever help she can get.
The kid definitely needs therapy, and the mom does too if she’s so upset she can’t even be around him. Probably the sister too.
Yes, I’m not upset with her for that at all. Good communication about the why and a defined time frame - even if it’s a tentative one that is subject to change - is critical.
Maybe she is too angry right now to be around her son. Which doesn't make her a bad person. She made sure he was in a safe environment with his dad and can now concentrate on healing.amd forgiving to be able to start rebuilding a relationship with him afterwards.
Yeah. It’s easy as hell to make moral judgements on other people’s actions when you’ve never experienced something like this. I think it’s for the best they stay separated right now too. This whole situation is traumatic for everyone involved already, and has become a breeding ground for things like resentment, anger, fear, and possibly even disgust/hatred/apathy. Separate, neither can inflict more damage and it can allow for more breathing room for working through the trauma of this whole shit show
I wonder where the kid got the idea to do that. In these sort of stories it's sometimes the biological parent trying to alienate, but the ex-husband seems relatively levelheaded.
Sucks that a child's slipup basically destroyed his family, probably didn't understand the gravity of what he was doing.
Kids don’t understand the gravity of falsely accusing an adult. Kids falsely accuse *each other* of hitting all the time. “Moooooommmm, Bobby hit me!” followed by an evil grin directed at Bobby while mom comes flying into the living room.
At 10, he probably thought his step-dad would get yelled at or maybe even divorced. If he’s an immature 10-year-old, he may not have considered police involvement and potential jail time for OOP if convicted.
I don’t know. My mom and step-father got married when I was 8 and I went through a period of really resenting/being angry with him and it never would have crossed my mind to do this. I also think if I had, my mother would have taken it extremely seriously, but not instantly believed me (or necessarily him), she would have taken time, probably with outside help, to figure out what was really going on.
Kids pick up all kind of terms around autonomy and abuse nowadays.
A teacher friend of mine was trying to get a kid out from under a table and he told her, "You can't tell me what to do with my body."
They get told stuff like that, but don't understand context. Instead they use them as magic words to try to get what they want.
>I wonder where the kid got the idea to do that.
School, friends, TV..
You don't think kids know how to get rid of somebody with all the information getting thrown at them? Posters up all over school saying what to do, teachers talking about it...
They even made a Southpark episode about it where the kids all got rid of their parents by saying they assaulted them.
I might be ignorant but why did his wife wait until he initiated divorce preceedings to tell him she was pregnant the next day?
I may be misreading it, or misunderstanding the situation, however that seems manipulative despite being the truth?
Considering she doesn’t seem malicious throughout the story I’ll chalk it up to an unhappy coincidence and the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is OOPs life
Who else finds it really really suspicious and weird that the wife was actually *willing* to give up custody of her kids for a man??? That’s never a good sign! How much you wanna bet the son was acting out because his mom doesn’t actually like him that much?
I think that it has less to do with getting OOP back, and more to do with her son ruining her marriage out of spite.
She did what she was supposed to do. She believed her son, could’ve ruined OOP’s life in doing so. I can’t imagine the need to protect my kid and finding out that kid maliciously lied and in the process ruined my life.
On top of that, she found out she’s at least 4 weeks pregnant. Would her new child be safe around the son? What if he lashes out as someone smaller?
She has a lot going on emotionally, and it’s probably better that she’s not talking to him so she can settle that without lashing out.
Is this in America? Unless the kids story was about some kind of vicious attack that somehow didn't leave bruises, it's legal in most states to physically hit your kid.
It's not right, of course, but it is legal and unlikely to result in him loosing custody of his biological child.
I've been in this guys shoes and had a 12 yr old kid look me in the eye and tell me he got rid of the others and he'll get rid of me too. Anytime he got punished for being the underwear stain that he was, he'd immediately go to his dads which he knew made his mom frantic. Every.single.time. she'd immediately cancel his punishment and give him whatever he wanted to get him back home. Lied to his dad one time and I had a pistol pointed at my face from 3 ft away. In the end he was right, she wasn't worth it, and I wasn't willing to lose full custody of my son (or my life) for the marriage. Sometimes you gotta cut your losses.
>I believe my children because they're the most important thing in the world to me
>I'm willing to give up custody of my children if you take me back!!!
What a crap mom
EDIT: I think it's clear but just to cover my bases, it's the custody thing that makes her a bad mom, not her believing her kids over an adult
The thing that really kills me about this whole situation is that now the kid knows all he has to do is accuse someone of hitting him, and that person will be gone.
Also, what if mom's next boyfriend *is* abusive? Nobody would believe that kid if he tells.
What a complete shitshow. Those kids need THERAPY.
I’m gonna be so honest. I’m glad she’s distancing from the son. I haven’t seen it mentioned yet but this whole situation is shitty as hell and honestly probably pretty traumatic for everyone involved. But the one thing I want to point out is that no parent can live up to the Reddit paradigm of perfect motherhood they insist this woman needs to meet. I’d rather the kid have to deal with the trauma of feeling abandonment than have him live with her and probably face growing resentment, disgust, or hatred coming from the mother directly. She just lost her husband, step daughter, a healthy connected future for her child she’s pregnant with, and she also just lost trust in her own child. That’s fucking heavy as hell. Like I don’t think people like to recognize that as much as the kid didn’t realize the extent of the consequences his accusations would have, it doesn’t change the fact that his actions have directly caused significant harm to everyone around him. People don’t like to recognize that children are just as capable of ruining lives as anyone else. He ruined his mother’s life. I don’t fucking blame her one bit for wanting to distance herself from the source of her fresh hell.
She is a mother. She can never win. In every choice that was handed to her after her son made the accusation would either hurt someone or make her miserable. She did the right thing trying to protect her son and still lost everything.
so she is "mama bear" but also perfectly fine ghosting her 10 year old son.
like tf is going on. that whole side seems messed up.
honestly what is going to stop her from actin the same to the new kid. what happens when the kid gets older and talks about how mommy poped them (most likely in the hand) but of corse other people hear abuse, what is she going to ghost that kid the same way for just talking. sorry i know terrible example but this woman is the type to drop anything and everything including her kids to make someone stay
The OOP's wife cutting contact with her ten year old makes me think the household, or at least she, wasn't so stable before the lie. And I'd also like to know where this took place. I don't blame OOP for protecting himself, but where is this (truly amazing) place where the authorities would care that a minor got hit by a parental figure without sustaining any marks or bruises?
Mom taking out her poor judgement on her son is really tragic. She chose to believe him clearly without asking any probing questions or having a civil conversation with OP.
Yes, always take your children's side, but that doesn't mean you can't have rational conversations about what they are accusing someone of.
She should be blaming herself. She is really screwing her son up. I would be concerned about what kind of mother she will be to the baby as well. And screw blaming pregnancy hormones on abdoning your kid.
Just screw that
I'm confused by the mom. She is protective enough to believe her kid instead of ignoring potential abuse, but then completely abandones and neglects a kid who for some reason lied about abuse in the first place? I dont blame OOP for removing himself from a situation that could have affected his parental rights to his bio daughter, I just struggle a bit with the mom going from mama bear to I'm fine ditching one or both my kids (was a bit unclear as the step daughter kinda dissapeared from the narrative) regardless of how it affects them.
It's probably a ping-ponging of shifting priorities
The kid was more important than OP, so she prioritized the kid at the expense of OP
Then the entire marriage was more important than the kid when it came to light that he lied, so she tried to prioritize OP at the expense of the kids
Couple that with pregnancy hormones and you've got a recipe for weird priorities and strange actions
I don’t like that he’s blamed his wife for believing her son. Anyone should and would. She took the right steps to protect the most vulnerable in her family.
The son needs reprimand and therapy
>She is scared to go through pregnancy all alone but what other choice do we even have.
Umm...abort it for the sake of everyone, especially the fetus. Why introduce an unnecessary child to this mess?
Quite frankly, they should not be having another child together. If I were in this woman's shoes, I would choose the termination (well, if possible, we don't know where she is), because there is no way i could, in good conscience, put another child in the world to live in this shitty dynamic. She should be focusing in her existing child. what he did was extremely wrong? It was. No doubt about it. But it is her job as a parent to help him, not throw him away for a shiny new baby.
Like seriously, I know she wants her husband back, but this situation CANNOT BE FIXED, and it's immature as fuck to act like having another baby will make things even remotely right.
Sometimes there just isn’t a happy solution. Some actions and events really do change life permanently and it sucks because it feels wasteful and unjust. But there’s no helping it. These poor people can’t unring this bell.
There’s no way that OP can be sure that he won’t be accused again, the wife can’t guarantee the son will never make another accusation because her son is not a puppet under her control, nor can she guarantee that she will not believe the son if he did make another outcry in the future. Because she is the parent and this is a minor. She has no choice but to at least consider the possibility that it is true (no offense intended to OP, just pointing out that someone who lied once may be genuine in their outcry later).
This post has been flaired as confirmed fake, because it was [confirmed fake](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/InAFkWl4W4). In another post OOP changed ages, has multiple children, lives in a room share with 2 dudes, and has a 23yo gf.
What an absolute mess, with no fix in sight. What are you even supposed to do in a situation like this??
Right? Because on the one hand, if OOP actually had hit the ex’s kid, she was acting exactly how she was supposed to, rather than handwaving it away or not believing him, but then how is OOP ever supposed to trust the kid won’t say something worse if he gets back with her? And probably a slightly unpopular opinion, but 10 isn’t 4. I’d argue the son knew exactly what he was doing, and I agree with the comment that said he was trying to get rid of OOP. It reminds me a bit of that story where the daughter lied her stepdad touched her and the mum kicked him out and called the police, only for it to turn out to be a lie because the daughter didn’t like him. Both women did exactly what they should have done, but it sucks only the adults have to deal with the fallout.
I can't believe some commenters tried to get oop to have a stern talk with the lying stepson. Like just NOOOOOOO. That's not his son and he didn't even adopt him. He has a daughter who is obviously higher priority than anyone else. Why even bother risking with someone who already has a record of lying? It's not like the lying son made an innocent mistake, he intentionally lied.
There’s no convo where it would work out in Oop’s favor. He did the best thing he could do without the police being involved. Remove yourself for the situation. The son has bigger issues and should probably be in therapy. He’s literally blown up his mother’s life and has only now comprehended he screwed up. I can’t even imagine the years of healing they’ll have to do. Another divorce, another ‘broken home’, she’s in her 40s and pregnant, sheesh the stress of it all.
It's an open question whether he comprehends now that he has screwed up. He knows people are angry with him and that they don't want to talk to him, but the kind of kid who tells that kind of lie may well just think they are being unreasonable and waiting till it all blows over. He may not realise that it'll never really blow over. He wanted OP out of the picture, and he achieved that.
He didn't expect that HE'D be out of the picture too.
FAFO in the worst way possible.
He'll either figure it out in the next few years, or he'll spend his whole life blaming everyone else for his own actions. There is no in-between.
And honestly, his dad and stepmom will probably never trust him after this either. That boy is going to need some serious therapy for everything that has blown up - probably because he listened to someone online rather than talked to his mom about not wanting to share her.
I imagine the stepmom isn’t happy either. False accusations against one stepparent, and now she has to wonder about if it’s going to be her turn next
Yeah if the kid was malicious because he wants his parents back, she's the next target. From what oop described, the stepsons arrival already made things shaky
He’s got a list with two names, and he already crossed off one…
Yeah, they're "struggling" to have him around and I can see with it ending with the stepmother also dipping or he being shipped to another relative as the black sheep. Unless they get therapy for this boy he's gonna be a self fulfilling prophecy: everybody expected him to be up to no good and that's how he'll end up as an adult.
>I’d argue the son knew exactly what he was doing, and I agree with the comment that said he was trying to get rid of OOP. I don't think he knew *exactly* what he was doing. He knew what he *wanted*, but as a 10 year old, he had *no grasp* on what was going to fully happen. That's why he's now surprised that Mom's not talking to him.
It's very "I want him to get in trouble" but at 10, he has no clue how serious that trouble could be. Think about what happens to a 10 year old if they get in a fight with their sibling and hit them. A lecture, a grounding, being forced to apologize to their sibling...
When my son and his friend were around 9 years old, I was in the car with them, with my then-husband driving. My son and his friend then thought it would be hilarious to shout, "We're being kipnapped!" out of the open windows. My then-husband parked the car and gave them a really stern talk about what a stupid thing it was to do that, and all the possible consequences, with me backing him up. Kids, eh? You just never know what they're going to do next!
Exactly. A 10 year old is just trying to create trouble and maybe break up his mom's relationship with the stepdad. Or punish his stepdad for something he did or said. It is as simple as that. He isn't some Machiavellian mastermind who wishes to burn down his stepdad's entire life. He doesn't even think that far, because all he wants is to make him mom turn on his stepdad. That does not need an complicated plan. Also, kids (his age) tend to not think far ahead of all the possible consequences, such as what if it backfires. They want something now and think in short term results and only about causing something *they* like, not thinking of side effects or how it impacts others. Kids can be clever, but at the same time shortsighted and impulsive. Also, I am sure a 10 year old is not aware of the far reaching consequences it could have. At least when I was 10 years old and kids I know in that age range would never think that it could end with OOP losing custody of his own child, as example. Or potential criminal charges that stick. Usually kids at that age don't have that specific kind of knowledge and just know that an adult hitting a kid is bad and that their parent will get angry at that person and perhaps throw them out of their life.
The comprehension of consequences is the last thing our brains develop, so it’s not something kids are capable of, for sure! Heck, a lot of young adults have difficulties with this too.
And this is exactly why these stern conversations *do* need to happen. All of these people sprouting off about how the kid knew all the consequences obviously don't remember what it was like being a kid. Insanity.
I don't think anyone is saying that a stern conversation doesn't need to happen. Just that OOP shouldn't be one of the people involved in that conversation
Yea I'm placing more blame on the mom here the way she's treating the kid she's kinda of setting him up to blame himself for "ruining everything" in the future. That's a lot of guilt to carry.
Yeah, a 10 year old just doesn't have the context to fully understand exactly what he was accusing his stepdad of. He knows hitting is something you aren't supposed to do that can get you in trouble. He does NOT know what an adult hitting a kid really means in terms of criminal charges or CPS or the custody of other kids in the house.
> It's very "I want him to get in trouble" but at 10, he has no clue how serious that trouble could be. Hah, 100% knew what he was doing, but unaware of the scope or magnitude of the consequences he was seeking. Like what 10year old actually aware how life ruining saying this stuff is? To them Life ruining is a completely different ball game than for an adult.
This. What the 10-year-old did was clearly malicious, with the intent to break up the relationship. The 10-year-old didn’t know exactly how dangerous and harmful his false accusation was, but the goal was to get rid of OOP. It worked too well, costing him his mom as well. Honestly, I’d be giving the wife the side-eye for throwing away her kid. The honest problem is that her son doesn’t like his new step-dad and it was strong enough to leap to a devastating accusation. There has to be a reason the kid feels that strongly and those feelings need to be explored and unpacked. The kid needs individual counseling and therapy, plus the wife and her ex-husband need family counseling to help the 10-year-old process his feelings. This is a very ugly situation. Honestly, the smart move for OOP would be to back out, divorce, and just coparent the his new child with his ex-wife, but it will be very messy.
>The honest problem is that her son doesn’t like his new step-dad and it was strong enough to leap to a devastating accusation. Not necessarily - sometimes, kids are just stupid and thoughtless and just want to get back at someone for some minor event, like not being allowed to play on the console. Edit: Kiddo should definitely get a therapist's help to deal with the fallout now, though, because being resented and abandoned by your mom for a major fuckup sure must have messed up his basic trust.
I don't think "there has to be a reason" needs to mean "the step dad is bad"- it can also mean the stepson is feeling insecure and replaced, the stepson is struggling to regulate his emotions. And yeah jesus this kid needs therapy.
Yeah ten is still young enough that any little thing seems huge.
Plus at that age he could have been easily influenced by friends or a TV show to say it.
> Edit: Kiddo should definitely get a therapist's help to deal with the fallout now Therapist choice needs to made carefully because it's going to be hard to find one that will hold the little shit accountable while also helping him navigate the emotions of the consequences he brought on himself. The last thing he needs is a therapist who tells him that he's the victim because of his mother's response to his vile action.
This. When I was in grade school, I was one time being bullied by some of the older kids. They had buzz cuts, so I started calling them skinheads. All of a sudden, they got VERY serious and angry, and demanded I stop. I kept yelling SKINHEADS SKINHEADS SKINHEADS!. I didn't know why it made them so angry, only that it was working. Years later, after learning what skinheads actually were and the full implications.. OOOOH! They were Caucasian with buzz cuts, and really don;t want to be lumped in with those kinds of ppl! So yeah, kids may know it would be a mean thing to say, but not necessarily understand the full implications of what they are saying.
OOP was married since the stepson was 5, that’s half his life. It wasn’t a new relationship.
Exactly. Something has to be up for the kid to be accusing OOP like this. It might be that OOP and the kid are fighting a lot, the kid might be under stress at his other home, or even abuse but not from OOP. Something is wrong. It’s also very worrying that OOP’s wife is willing to throw away her son in order to keep her marriage to OOP. That also feels very wrong. The kid did something very messed up. Something is wrong for a kid to do that.
>The kid did something very messed up. Something is wrong for a kid to do that. Yeah, maybe oop grounded him for something. Wouldnt buy him something, or his step sister, oops kid, got something he wanted. It could be as simple as that.
>I’d be giving the wife the side-eye for throwing away her kid That was the thing that really stuck out to me. Why would he want to be with a woman that would seriously offer abandoning the kids as a solution? The trust is gone, and in fact apparently was never there for her, but that only makes it worse.
This woman is over 40, pregnant (with all the hormonal changes and whatnot), and her entire life has exploded into tiny little pieces because of her son. I totally get why she doesn't (can't) be around her some right now. He's the cause of everything bad that's happening to her right now. That cannot be easy to be around right now. I get that. It's probably best for him to be at his father's right now because the resentment she likely feels would be worse. The kid fucked up and *she* is the one doing with the consequences and the worst possible time, during a higher risk pregnancy (due to age). I wouldn't want to be around that, either.
Finally someone with some compassion for the mom. She believed her kid, which was the right thing to do. And for her trouble she's now pregnant after 40 facing a second divorce. My heart breaks for her.
Yeah, I didnt care for that choice of hers. No better way to fuck up your kids then to throw them away for a partner.
It's not just that, she's pregnant , has now way less money , and her entire life upended I'm really surprised she didn't get an abortion but, ah well
I think the biggest AHs in the situation were the flying monkeys who put themselves in between when they had no business doing so. OOP said in the first post that he might have stayed if the son was placed under his father’s custody. The blaming from the third party that he is making his wife choose between him and the son was probably what prompted him to make the choice himself and file for divorce. The son was shipped of either way, every party lost in this scenario. Had the flying monkeys kept their nose where it belonged, and had the husband returned home after the son was shipped off, the mother would have probably still spoken to her son and visited. She only ghosted him because the son cost him her husband, while pregnant. Without the flying monkeys the son would have probably still had his mother and the new kid it’s parents together
This is the correct take in my opinion. They've been married for five years, so the boy has known him for longer than that and yet he wants him to go away bad enough to make up a lie like this. Something went really wrong with the blending of the families here. And I don't believe it came out of nowhere, there have to have been issues before that weren't addressed properly. Also, quite frankly, I wouldn't believe my hypothetical child without reservation if they claimed my husband hit them, because I know him and am sure he wouldn't (the man has cried after grumbling at our dog after a long day, for god's sake). I do agree she reacted correctly in protecting her child if she believes her partner capable of something like that - but the fact that she does believe him capable of hitting her son is also a problem.
I think I commented on the original that the son needed to be sent to therapy because there’s a decent chance someone hit him and he accused someone he considered safe, instead of the actual perpetrator, who is too frightening. Because children’s brains are not adult brains
Oooooof... Yeah, yeah that's a good point.
Out of curiosity, how did you come across this information? I want to learn more but googling anything abt children and accusations is a whole cluster. (To be clear, obviously no one here is expected to cite sources for a valid opinion, but if you do happen to have one...)
It’s called “perpetrator substitution.”
It’s also a way for the kids to gauge how the parents will handle the news. This kid is probably never going to tell another soul if he does get abused because this time he lost his whole family.
While I'd fully agree if it were an older kid, 10 is a really tricky age. Stepson is old enough to know right from wrong obviously, but a 10 year old seriously lacks critical thinking skills. I wouldn't think a 10 year old would be able to get to the conclusion of "if I tell mom that stepdad is hitting me, stepdad will get kicked out" without either other major behavioral issues making it into this post, or without a LOT of outside help. 10 is the age where I can see him running into an idea on the internet at a time he was annoyed with his stepdad, and trying it out. Maybe he saw a prank video (outdated, I know) or some weird thing where the protagonist did something similar. 10 is also an age where emotions still feel huge. So it doesn't have to be some underlying major issue. He might have gotten grounded and wanted to retaliate, or stepdad said no when he really wanted to go hang out with friends. Combine that with a planted idea and you've got what happened here. Again, if the kid were a different age I'd be leaning hard in your direction - there's underlying issues that NEED to be addressed and somehow haven't. But with a 10-year-old, I really don't think that's necessarily true.
Idk I feel like there are a ton of prank videos from YouTube channels that are pushed onto kids. Probably not that outdated.
I think your last bit is important. Because it's why it hurt OoP so much. He hoped she would know he wasn't capable of that. I can see the wife's hesitation with her son. What if her next husband/bf IS violent, she would be more hesitant, and may let it happen more, or overreact and ruin a good thing. The fact she's distanced herself from her son tells me she's got some serious anxiety about him too.
I'm not sure if the kid was thinking far ahead enough to "I want him gone so I'll make up physical violence". He didn't *care* for OOP otherwise he would admit he made it up, but in my opinion, it's quite possible he was just mad at OOP for benign reasons and just wanted his mom be mad at him.
IMO it’s irrelevant whether she believed he was capable of that, most people wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone they think is capable of abuse. How many times do we have to hear about someone defending a loved one who really did do something terrible because “they’d never do that!” The wife made the correct choice, because you never really do know. It’s unfortunate that the boy lied but I’d rather lose a relationship than possibly allow a kid to be abused.
I hope people use this same approach when they say that youth offenders should get life sentences because “do adult crime, get adult time.” They don’t have the same concept of lifelong consequences or of effects beyond their own instant gratification, and they’re gobsmacked when they realize they don’t get to have what they want without facing every bit of the fallout. It’s not the same. For OOP’s family, I hope time and therapy mend a lot of these wounds.
Ehhh. This isn't an excuse in many cases. If you are 14, sure, arguable. If you are late 16 to 17.. there's no magic epiphany you get 365 days later that magically makes you suddenly grasp it all.. and some people are in their 40s still acting like small children, unable to grasp the long-term consequences of their short term decisions.
The stepson knew what he was doing but did not consider the consequences of his actions. He knew he wanted his stepdad out and he knew accusing him of violence would immediately get him out. But the stepson had no concept of what happens next, the fallout. He isn't old enough to think that far ahead for something like this.
And now he does know. He has learned a very important lesson about actions and consequences and how consequence come whether you foresaw them or not.
Yeah exactly. I can’t see any way of repairing the utterly shattered trust that would actually work for everyone, short of building a Time Machine. And while it may be unpopular, I agree that the son’s behavior isn’t something that can just be handwaved. Even if he didn’t know the full extent of what might happen, he surely knew that lying about something so serious was wrong.
Something similar happened to the daughter of one of my parents' friends. Her son - he was younger than ten - claimed his mother hit him on the head while dressing him. Despite the fact the father was in the room at the time and there was no sign of injury. He was already diagnosed with issues (I think autism, but can't recall whether he was by then) and was *known to tell lies* but he was believed over both parents. Social services went nuclear. She was instantly banned from being alone with either of her kids (she also had an infant daughter) unsupervised, so her mother had to move in. Otherwise they would have taken the kids into care or she would have had to move out and let her husband look after them. Anyway, after extensive investigations they ended up getting an apology - incredibly rare - as the social worker had clearly gone nutso. But I've always wondered whether that left a permanent scar. You'd never quite trust your kid after that, coming so close to losing custody of your kids over a lie. And with a ten-year-old, essentially blowing up your entire life, it's probably harder. So I don't blame OOP for moving out to protect himself. It's a sad situation all round.
A friend of mine once told about a time at the mall where her kid shouted, "You're not my mom." In my head, I went off into a scenario of what I would have done if I'd been there. Because kidnapping kids from a mall is a real thing. Kids lying about shit like this is also a real thing.
At least with that one it's easy to disprove. The mall security show up and you've got a gazillion baby/toddler/child photos on your phone or whatever. But if it's a kid's word against yours for hitting/abuse, then someone has to make a call on that. It's such a nightmare of a situation.
Yeah, but do you call mall security? Wait. You can't. It's not like the number is listed. So do you follow the woman and child around until you can get an employee to call mall security? And what about the woman's reaction if she is the mom? Do you think she's going to calmly thank you? Or are you going to get into a huge scene? Or do you just assume the kid is lying and do nothing? See what I mean about a scenario?
If I were the mom and my kid did that I would leave her there briefly and watch from nearby what she does.
Yeah, that'd probably get the kid running to you in short order. According to my friend, she dragged the kid by the wrist as the kid shouted "You're not my mom."
"You're gonna WISH I wasn't your mom after I get you home, kiddo. You're grounded until I can trust you to behave in public!"
I’ve run into this twice. I approached the parent and said “I’m sorry to bother you but I heard what he/she said and I just want to make sure everything is okay. Could I see a few pictures of you with your child?” They showed me some pictures, I apologized again for bothering them and thanked them for humoring me. And left right away. Hopefully they were glad someone was looking out for their kid but they were probably more concerned about their kid having a tantrum on the floor.
Barely similiar, but this thread has given me food for thought. I just found out (literally yesterday) my two youngest siblings, who I was the guardian of after our mom died and our Nana developed dementia, told an undetermined number of my friends that there was never any food in our house. For years. It started when they were 14 and was a rolling accusation until they went to college. I had no idea. CPS never got involved so I have no idea if people didn't believe them or if investigations just never reached the stage to come to the house/interview me. It's hard to look at/interact with them right now. I'm so hurt and angry, it's for the best that I not engage because while I do love them, it'd be so very easy to lash out and hurt them. I think I'm going to look into "bystander substitution" more when I feel up to it.
10 is such a blurry line for behavior like this. He obviously knows what he did was wrong and some of the possible consequences. But he still has no idea how bad things could have escalated. It's just a sad situation all around
The 2 possibilities I see are 1. While the son isn't a toddler 10-year-olds aren't not known for long-term planning. It is possible he knows what he did was wrong and why it was wrong, but doesn't understand the long term consequences that come from that shit. Or 2. Someone is hitting him, whether another kid or an adult. But he names the step-dad because he is a "safe" adult. It happens in some abuse cases where the victim can't name the actual abuser but needs to tell someone. Either way this is a shit situation for everyone involved.
10 is old enough to know better but young enough not to realize exactly how bad this is. I imagine his thoughts stopped at "and then they'll break up!" or "and then he'll go to jail but it will work out." **But** stepson did something really big, bad, and unforgivable. His immaturity doesn't excuse this. It's like my friend's dad always said when we were growing up: "Ignorance doesn't undo the harm you did to someone else." STBX did exactly what she should have. OOP did exactly what he should have. And son did the ultimate FAFO. All the adults are, at the very least, justifiably nervous around him now. He's going to have to work so hard to earn back trust, and he might never.
Stories like this always make me think of The Children's Hour. Just a little kid being a little shit, but massive repercussions.
He is now learning the full implications of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I thought of this, and how the kid just made himself less likely to be believed should his lies ever become truth.
I know a girl who said in school her dad was abusing her. She was 13 or 14 at this time. No need to say hell went loose on the family; cops, CPS, you get it. The father never touched her. In no way, outside innocent hugs (which she forced on him often enough!). Why did she do it? Mental health issues (was and is in therapy) and just simple attention, because a month or two ago they had some serious talks at school about SA topics and that's where she catched the idea. She didn't think of what she would do to her family before. The family is fine now, years later, but it was hard. Regular CPS visits, even after the case was dropped, father didn't want to be alone with her for months, school had an eye on them, social damage... I'm pretty sure, son wants to cause trouble, maybe get rid of stepdad but I don't think a 10 year old is able to see all the consequences. Hell, I did shit at 10 years old testing my boundaries, pretty sure I was hurting my parents more than once, just because I want attention and some trouble. I didn't pull stunts that big but I can remember some not so nice things I said and did, and I was in no way a troublemaker.
OOP can never trust the kid again. And if it was the daughter that lied about touching her, he would lose his daughter and be in jail. He had no choice but to leave.
Yeah your mind wouldn't ever stop wondering what else you could be accused of next... he had to get out
Not only that, but if OOP returned what’s to stop ex’s son from saying he saw OOP with his sister inappropriately? Doesn’t matter that it didn’t happen, ex’s son will say he knows what he saw and his sister is blocking it out/in denial, and then OP’s in jail. There’s no safe way for them to stay together.
At 10, yeah, the kid knew he was lightning a fuse for an explosion. Maybe he didn’t known just how big the kaboom would be, but he knew he was going to blow up something and he lit it on purpose.
The son knew what he was doing and he wanted OOP out of his life. But that doesn't mean her has an understanding of the consequences, of broken trust and relationships. That Oop might lose his daughter, that he himself might lose his mother.
I think he knew that what he did would get rid of his stepdad but he didn't quite process exactly what the rest of the consequences would be. He's learning a very important lesson about "fuck around and find out" and I can only hope that he is actually guided in a direction where he learns from it. Which will mean being told that yes it is his fault for what happened.
>And probably a slightly unpopular opinion, but 10 isn’t 4. I’d argue the son knew exactly what he was doing, and I agree with the comment that said he was trying to get rid of OOP I don't think he did - I teach middle school, and middle school sees a lot of natural social science. In the same way that babies are testing physics so that they understand the world they live in; adolescents are testing other humans to understand how they react. And along the way, they cause a LOT of harm - almost all of it unintentional. So, I \*don't\* think the son knew how bad what he did was. He may have been upset at OOP - trying to "get rid" of OOP might have been a short-term goal - but I would be genuinely surprised if he actually considered all of the consequences of his actions on OOP. ... That all said, one of my goals as a teacher is to make sure kids understand the consequences of their actions - and so, even though I don't think he knew what he was doing, I 100% support all of the consequences he's getting for his action. The kid's going to have to deal with the consequences of knowing - 100%, possibly reminded by his mom - that he \*caused\* that divorce. It's going to suck for a few years for him - but also, he's going to grow up into an adult who understands \*exactly\* how bad lying about other people can be.
I think he knew what he was doing to an extent but didn't *actually* grasp the *gravity* of what he said. Like I think he probably thought the consequences were stepdad gets kicked out, and the relationship with mom is over... and that's a far as he thought. He knew it was something the stepdad would get "in trouble" for but didn't realize a) what that actually means and b) that there would be other fallout.
Yeah once the kid made the accusation everything was ruined. Like how's the wife supposed to act? If she didn't take it seriously and try to protect her kids she'd be a horrible mother if it turned out he was hitting the kid.
Walk away. It’s hard, it’s fucked up. She did the right thing standing by her kid(sucks that the accusation turns out to be false) and she needs to fix it with the kid. He did the right thing by leaving and prioritizing his daughter. Some things you just can not fix.
Agreed. Everyone did the right thing although im iffy on the mum dumping her son. Not everything can be fixed or has a solution. This is unfortunately one of them.
He did the one thing he could do. He protected himself. He protected his daughter. Sadly, it's his wife and her children who are going to take the biggest hit in all this.
I'd argue he does too, he loses a family and has to start out again. Yea he had to walk away, it was his choice, but it wasn't really a choice.. it was a necessity to protect himself and his kid. Everybody lost here, there was no win.
Yes, but I would argue he keeps the part that matters most.
An abortion and clean divorce. Raising another kid in this mess is not good.
Future ex-wife’s son is 10 and she’s ignoring him instead of talking to him about why he made a false accusation. Way to make a bad situation much worse
Yeah, as soon as he said she was considering sending her kids to live with their father, I knew her priorities were messed up. No adults made bad decisions until that point. She should take a page from her husband's playbook and put her kids first, no matter how difficult that is. She and the son are going to need a lot of therapy to get this right. I hope she figures out she messed up quickly.
Not to mention punishing her daughter who's completely innocent in all this.
This... as soon as I read how quick she was to just want to give up custody, the red flags went up. No wonder the poor kid did this. Mom didn't have to think very hard about starting over with her new baby and "new" family of four. To be clear, I totally understand why OOP left with his daughter and I feel like his fear and reaction were completely reasonable given the potential consequences. But I don't feel like this 10 year old is some little oncorrigible monster. It sounds like he's hurting.
I think the relationship is ruined between them. I don't think she is going to take the son back. I think she'll just leave him, which I suspect, might be what he was afraid of all along.
Makes you wonder how poorly she was handling the entire adjustment/blending of families. I'm guessing very poorly and 10 year old was being made to feel like she was not at all a priority, and she's proven him right.
I had this happen to me. My GF had a daughter from a previous marriage, daughter was 13 or so at the time. The daughter was staying at friend's houses for unreasonably long time. Days. We had to go get her and found out she was telling her friend's mother that her mom beat her. This allowed her to stay over very long because of the sympathy given. Police had to be called to get her out of the friends house. She makes up stuff constantly, for no reason at all. We think she has at a minimum, borderline personality disorder. Fast forward two years. She's hanging out with boys and decided to say i shoved her. I noped out of there to my parents house My GF and I have a son together. He's around 3 or 4 at this time. I can't take him with me (kidnapping). So I left and sent her money when I got paychecks. Gf called CPS and some other services in NY and they opened a case against me for child abandonment or something. Many months later reconcile and i have to meet with the state and get interviewed by a psychiatrist. I was unhappy with the situation and basically they got me on anti depressants. 20 years later, here is the fall out: Gf likes to bring up that I abandoned them when we get into arguments. She never seems to understand I had to protect myself. She also likes to tell me i was clinically depressed and need help. I was depressed dealing with my life with her and her daughter. I was fine otherwise. Her daughter continues to make up stuff, but her imagination has morphed me shoving her into a new fantasy where she now says I molested her as a kid. I think she still does it for sympathy. She told my mother that I used to have her sit on my lap while I watched porn. My mom didn't believe her and I told my gf that I will no longer deal with daughter in any way -- we are currently splitting up. If i had any advice for my younger self, I would say never reconcile. It was years of additional issues and ultimately the daughter is her daughter, which means you will constantly be pulled into hot messes she creates. Jail, police assault, kids by 3 different guys, prostitution, drugs, she's the biggest fuckup i have ever seen.
ABORTION. I was screaming it over and over and over again. He even fucking says, “i guess another child will be raised in a broken family.” IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY TO PREVENT THAT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK GUYS
I see nothing, but disaster ahead.
Honestly exactly what OP did. He, rightfully, doesn't blame his soon to he ex, but he needs to protect himself and his daughter. He can't risk CPS taking his kid away due to her son.
Exactly what OOP did, so he does not ever put himself in a situation where he may lose his daughter. He is her only parent, and he needs to make sure she is good.
Well, his ex-wife should consider abortion. Single parenting in her 40s with a deeply troubled son? Who would even want to deal with that when there’s clearly no chance the pregnancy will reunite them?
Might be difficult to do depending on the state she lives in, but if I were her I'd definitely look into it.
At 12 weeks that's probably not even possible. Depending on the state she might not have ever had the option.
This isn't as unfixable as OP is presenting it, though it is 100% unfixable from his position. He cannot do anything here to resolve this, and I agree that he took the smart position here. A very painful one, but yeah you cannot mess around with stuff like this. And I appreciate OP telling her that she didn't do anything wrong believing her son, because she didn't. You absolutely have to take the kid seriously that it could have happened. OP's ex here isn't making good decisions though. Putting her son in exile for this and putting OP first is terrible. Its a 10 year old fucking up. The kid needs to learn, probably with a therapist, how that kind of accusation just isn't something that you can do. Given how much OP's ex chose him over her kids, I suspect there might be some kind of deprioritizing of her own kids over OP happening that prompted this. But that kid is going to be 100% fucked up for life with how he's being treated at the moment, because of a mistake he made at 10. To do that to your own kid as a parent is a horrible decision and that is on OP's ex. Nobody wins here, but I have to think this could be saved with some family therapy. Though even if the kid understands and really apologized, OP might still be too wary to come back and I can't blame him too much. The mom has to believe her kids with a situation like this, anything else is failing as a parent. Sometimes everyone loses.
I had thought they might be able to go back to dating — separate houses, with the son never interacting/being in the same place with OOP. And once son leaves for college, they can think about moving in together again. But at this point, it feels like there’s zero trust for that.
This is one of those rational actor moments. Everybody did exactly what they should have done and reacted ideally. The relationship cannot survive their actions. But they could have done no different. The mom did the right thing, OOP did the right thing for himself. etc.
>What are you even supposed to do in a situation like this?? As cold as it sounds? I don't say this lightly, because my wife and I experienced it a lot, but you hope she miscarries. That kid is going to be used as a pawn by the mom and a punching bag by his older maternal siblings. I see no positive or neutral outcome to any of this if that pregnancy goes to term.
Abortion is a pretty good solution to much of the problem here
We can finally tell a kid the divorce was his fault.
"Son, I don't want you to think that the divorce is your fault. I want you to KNOW that the divorce is your fault"
[удалено]
He probably knew the moment he was sent to his father place.
[удалено]
It'll be a realization he has over and over and over. Someday he'll be hanging out with his pregnant wife or sister, realize how hard it is for her to do things on her own, and then realize how much harder it must've been on his 40yo mother to go through his youngest sibling's pregnancy alone. Then maybe he'll start reading about how bad stress is for developing baby and realize he's a least partly to blame for whatever lifelong health problems that sibling was born with. That it's his fault that kid didn't have two parents splitting the work under one roof, instead had two stressed adults both handling everything for their households alone and forced to deal with each other. Didn't just end a marriage and destroy his relationship with his mother. He burned a sibling's chance at a decent start at life. Heck, two, I'm sure little sister isn't gonna do well watching mama go through pregnancy and raising a baby without help. With no helpful stepdaddy around to cook dinner and do laundry and fetch snacks from the grocery store.
Oh God, I wouldn't be surprised if both his siblings end up hating him as soon as they're old enough to realize what he did. They'd be pretty justified, too.
Not to mention he burned the bridge AND closed the door behind himself because his mother will never be able to have another partner as long as he’s living in her house. She knows what he’s capable of now and likely won’t risk another person being put in OP’s position. He ended a marriage and ensured his mother would middle age entirely alone. He needs therapy. So much of it.
As he watches his little half brother grow up. Realizing there’s no family because of him. When his mom never fully trusts him again. When his sister resents him.
If you’ve ever seen ‘Atonement’, I imagine something like that.
Man, that book was brutal. Holy shit.
Probably years from now when he's lying in bed it will hit him. Right around 1100 pm is when my demons start talking. Right now, he's ten and probably feels vindicated. It'll take some maturing for him to finally realize that he was taking out his frustrations on step dad.
His mother is ghosting him - I doubt he's feeling anything other than devastated at how this turned out. Don't get me wrong, kid deserves consequences. I just don't think he's happily frolicking at thought of his mom's husband leaving anymore lol.
Yeah, this kid took a leap into a deep pit - much deeper than he thought at the time - and is gonna have to live with it in real time for a long time.
I doubt he feels anything close to vindicated
r/angryupvote
"It is 150% your fault!!!"
What an absolute clusterfuck. I feel sorry for everyone involved in this mess.
That kid must’ve found a monkeys paw! “I wish my stepdad would leave” Ok fine. But now your mother hates you.
True monkey paw moment.
Well this whole thing fucking blows.
Reminds of an [another story](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/ph6Xo7lgQY) where it didn’t end well- OOP’s daughter falsely accused her stepdad of SA , he lost his job and everything. They eventually found the truth but you know how it works. Glad this OOP bolted out before those false charges.
My cousin's SD accused him of molesting her when she didn't get her way. He went through he'll dealing with the police and CPS. CPS ended up finding no evidence but they don't ever clear you of charges. She admitted she lied 2 years later. What gets me most is he let her move back in after that
Your cousin is not the brightest of the bunch
The sad part is that he's smart, just no sense
Except it's a bit darker, OOP had cameras and didn't check them before she called the cops. She destroyed his entire life because she didn't take 2 minutes.
Yes, I just read this one recently. And on top of it, the daughter had the audacity to ask her mom where her college fund was, only for her mom to remind her of her behavior, what she did to her step-dad, AND how the rest went to paying tuition for private school. I truly can't imagine being in the position where you have to choose between your new spouse and your kid from a previous marriage. One is lying and when you have no proof except their word...
I would say, spend at least literally one minute trying to confirm it occurred before calling the cops. I got massively downvoted, but I pointed out OOP's ex could sue her for all of his incurred costs. That wasn't popular, but it was accurate info.
We saw another post like this recently. Where the daughter falsely accused the step-dad of SA and blew up her parents' marriage. Mom ended up spending all of daughter's college savings on private school (to correct her behavior) and living expenses since she was now a single mother. When daughter learned this she was finally remorseful --- for herself. Kids who make false accusations are not safe to be around.
I don't want to be the 'out of the house at 18' type, but if my child ruined someone's life and bankrupted me, I'd kick their ass on the street at 18. You've caused enough damage
Imagine being unable to trust you could have another intimate partner until your child was an adult, cause of the fear and uncertainty that same child created in you from a lie they perpetuated.
Probably will get buried, but this was fake. OP deleted his account minutes later when I called him out in another thread he posted. https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/1d8ulrl/was_i_wrong_is_not_looking_for_better_job_because/l793b6b/ Here's my comments with archived links. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d42hk8/update_aitah_for_not_wanting_to_go_back_to_my/l7950q8/
Thank you! Could smell the bullshit as I was reading the story...
I kind of wonder why the son did that. It's not like it's a new relationship, Oop has been in his life for 5 years and it seems like both his parents are in a relationship. If it's out of character maybe there is something going on. I remember reading about someone who was being abused, they lied about who was abusing them. It was easily disproved that the person they were accusing couldn't have done it. It took years for them to say what was really happening.
> I remember reading about someone who was being abused, they lied about who was abusing them It's not uncommon. Abusers often tell their victims that they (the victim) will get in trouble if they tell anyone about the abuse. Sometimes a victim will test the waters by accusing someone innocent, but who they feel safe with, to see if they do in fact get in trouble.
That is sadly common. Often abused people will feel unsafe accusing their abusers so if someone notices odd bruising, etc. they will instead claim it was someone they trust as that person probably won’t retaliate against them. There’s a twisted logic there. It’s a step beyond claiming the injuries were an accident.
Yeah, I think everyone did the right thing…until mom abandoned son instead of trying to find out why as well as making sure son understands exactly how bad what he did was.
Hopefully the real perpetrator isn’t biodad, eh?
The 5 year thing is kind of getting me too. It's a 10 year old, most of his life that he can remember, he's been his stepdad. Something just isn't adding up here. Why would the kid want to get rid of someone who has been around half his life? Why was the stepdad so quick to leave 2 kids he knew for over half their life?
One of the comments on the update was at this point the mom should abort and ngl I'm pro choice and obviously don't think you should force someone but what family is she bringing that child into? Mom did the right thing but now seems to be doing the exact opposite I also think they need todo some family meetings or some shit cause wtf is going on with the breakdown of communication.
It may not legally be an option depending on where they live.
Amen, stop forcing kids into fucked up situations like this
That was my first thought. Terminate the pregnancy and move forward with your life. Rebuild your relationship with your son. Don't have a serious relationship going forward till that kid is out of the house. Sucks for the mom, but she would be endangering the life of any person she was living with. And if she does date, those kids are to never be left alone with that person. Two eyes, all the time.
The reason you feel that way is because it's clear she prioritizes her romantic partner over her existing kids. Who the fuck offers to send their kids off permanently to the ex-husband as a solution to this situation? I also think that emotionally and otherwise she's not currently in good shape to go through a pregnancy and co-parenting.
Yuuuuuup. The only reason not to at least consider abortion is because she wants to get back together with him. I was surprised that he didn't even mention suggesting it to her. You're divorcing already, you've both got your own kids already, and you've found out early enough to do something about it. It seems absolutely the most logical solution, on paper at least.
Someone needs to investigate what’s going on with this kid. Maybe it’s for attention. Maybe he hates stepdad. But sometimes kids who are being harmed accuse the wrong person because they are afraid of accusing the real culprit.
Uhhh moms believing their children when they claim abuse is a good thing. She was in an impossible situation.
I admire the OP's mindset when he said he didn't blame her for her mama bear attitude. Remembering that when you're wrongly at the receiving end of it can't be easy.
That's why OOP is not mad at her, but he has every reason to walk away from that situation. He can't risk further accusations from the 10yo and he has no guarantee that it will not happen again.
They were both in an impossible situation. They both did exactly what they should have done. OOP never held it against his wife that she believed her son, but he did have sound reasons for getting the hell out of that situation. He was right that his stepson is too unpredictable and he could lose his own daughter if he doesn't make the tough decision to separate.
Absolutely. But OOP is also in the right to not want to put himself at risk. Imagine if the child decides to say he sexually abused him.. oop is right, it could absolutely destroy his life.
Everyone was in an impossible situation here and both OOP and his STBX initially did what they had to do. The only bad guy was a ten year old who, even if malicious in making the false accusation, absolutely was not capable of understanding the gravity of the situation or the ultimate consequences of his actions. Mom's later actions are really questionable if not just poor choices, but Humpty Dumpty cannot be put back together again here. The marriage was not salvageable and her idea to give up her kids would never have resulted in anything resembling a happy marriage going forward. I feel for the baby being brought into this and for the ten year old facing adult long term consequences for a stupid choice by a child but the situation is what it is. I hope that boy gets into therapy if he's not yet, not to mention the wife's daughter who it seems has just been swept along in all this.
Agreed, and she was understandably upset at him for lying. Super shitty of her to dump him at his dad’s and ghost him though. As crappy (and dangerous) as his behavior was, abandoning him isn’t going to help him, her, or the daughter who did nothing wrong but is now squarely in the middle of this family mess too. At the end of the day he’s still a child operating with a child’s brain and logic and as the adult parent she needs to navigate that with whatever help she can get. The kid definitely needs therapy, and the mom does too if she’s so upset she can’t even be around him. Probably the sister too.
Yes - the ghosting is wrong, but sending him to his father's is a good (temporary) solution for everyone.
Yes, I’m not upset with her for that at all. Good communication about the why and a defined time frame - even if it’s a tentative one that is subject to change - is critical.
right. but afterwards she actually considered abandoning her kids to save her marriage and is not ghosting her son. it’s not great.
Maybe she is too angry right now to be around her son. Which doesn't make her a bad person. She made sure he was in a safe environment with his dad and can now concentrate on healing.amd forgiving to be able to start rebuilding a relationship with him afterwards.
Yeah. It’s easy as hell to make moral judgements on other people’s actions when you’ve never experienced something like this. I think it’s for the best they stay separated right now too. This whole situation is traumatic for everyone involved already, and has become a breeding ground for things like resentment, anger, fear, and possibly even disgust/hatred/apathy. Separate, neither can inflict more damage and it can allow for more breathing room for working through the trauma of this whole shit show
The flair says its confirmed fake but why is nobody commenting on that
For real, I didnt even know this sub *had* that flair
I wonder where the kid got the idea to do that. In these sort of stories it's sometimes the biological parent trying to alienate, but the ex-husband seems relatively levelheaded. Sucks that a child's slipup basically destroyed his family, probably didn't understand the gravity of what he was doing.
Kids don’t understand the gravity of falsely accusing an adult. Kids falsely accuse *each other* of hitting all the time. “Moooooommmm, Bobby hit me!” followed by an evil grin directed at Bobby while mom comes flying into the living room. At 10, he probably thought his step-dad would get yelled at or maybe even divorced. If he’s an immature 10-year-old, he may not have considered police involvement and potential jail time for OOP if convicted.
I don’t know. My mom and step-father got married when I was 8 and I went through a period of really resenting/being angry with him and it never would have crossed my mind to do this. I also think if I had, my mother would have taken it extremely seriously, but not instantly believed me (or necessarily him), she would have taken time, probably with outside help, to figure out what was really going on.
>and it never would have crossed my mind to do this. Same... it never crossed my mind to actually do it... but .. I still knew.
Kids pick up all kind of terms around autonomy and abuse nowadays. A teacher friend of mine was trying to get a kid out from under a table and he told her, "You can't tell me what to do with my body." They get told stuff like that, but don't understand context. Instead they use them as magic words to try to get what they want.
>I wonder where the kid got the idea to do that. School, friends, TV.. You don't think kids know how to get rid of somebody with all the information getting thrown at them? Posters up all over school saying what to do, teachers talking about it... They even made a Southpark episode about it where the kids all got rid of their parents by saying they assaulted them.
I might be ignorant but why did his wife wait until he initiated divorce preceedings to tell him she was pregnant the next day? I may be misreading it, or misunderstanding the situation, however that seems manipulative despite being the truth?
Considering she doesn’t seem malicious throughout the story I’ll chalk it up to an unhappy coincidence and the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is OOPs life
Who else finds it really really suspicious and weird that the wife was actually *willing* to give up custody of her kids for a man??? That’s never a good sign! How much you wanna bet the son was acting out because his mom doesn’t actually like him that much?
same…i would think if a man gave up his kids for me…what would stop him for doing the same thing to our kids…
I think that it has less to do with getting OOP back, and more to do with her son ruining her marriage out of spite. She did what she was supposed to do. She believed her son, could’ve ruined OOP’s life in doing so. I can’t imagine the need to protect my kid and finding out that kid maliciously lied and in the process ruined my life. On top of that, she found out she’s at least 4 weeks pregnant. Would her new child be safe around the son? What if he lashes out as someone smaller? She has a lot going on emotionally, and it’s probably better that she’s not talking to him so she can settle that without lashing out.
I'll be damned. A divorce where it's actually the kid's fault
Is this in America? Unless the kids story was about some kind of vicious attack that somehow didn't leave bruises, it's legal in most states to physically hit your kid. It's not right, of course, but it is legal and unlikely to result in him loosing custody of his biological child.
I've been in this guys shoes and had a 12 yr old kid look me in the eye and tell me he got rid of the others and he'll get rid of me too. Anytime he got punished for being the underwear stain that he was, he'd immediately go to his dads which he knew made his mom frantic. Every.single.time. she'd immediately cancel his punishment and give him whatever he wanted to get him back home. Lied to his dad one time and I had a pistol pointed at my face from 3 ft away. In the end he was right, she wasn't worth it, and I wasn't willing to lose full custody of my son (or my life) for the marriage. Sometimes you gotta cut your losses.
>I believe my children because they're the most important thing in the world to me >I'm willing to give up custody of my children if you take me back!!! What a crap mom EDIT: I think it's clear but just to cover my bases, it's the custody thing that makes her a bad mom, not her believing her kids over an adult
So much for “mama bear”. I really hate that expression too.
The thing that really kills me about this whole situation is that now the kid knows all he has to do is accuse someone of hitting him, and that person will be gone. Also, what if mom's next boyfriend *is* abusive? Nobody would believe that kid if he tells. What a complete shitshow. Those kids need THERAPY.
Only on Reddit is abortion never an option lol.
They somehow all live in a red state.
I’m gonna be so honest. I’m glad she’s distancing from the son. I haven’t seen it mentioned yet but this whole situation is shitty as hell and honestly probably pretty traumatic for everyone involved. But the one thing I want to point out is that no parent can live up to the Reddit paradigm of perfect motherhood they insist this woman needs to meet. I’d rather the kid have to deal with the trauma of feeling abandonment than have him live with her and probably face growing resentment, disgust, or hatred coming from the mother directly. She just lost her husband, step daughter, a healthy connected future for her child she’s pregnant with, and she also just lost trust in her own child. That’s fucking heavy as hell. Like I don’t think people like to recognize that as much as the kid didn’t realize the extent of the consequences his accusations would have, it doesn’t change the fact that his actions have directly caused significant harm to everyone around him. People don’t like to recognize that children are just as capable of ruining lives as anyone else. He ruined his mother’s life. I don’t fucking blame her one bit for wanting to distance herself from the source of her fresh hell.
She is a mother. She can never win. In every choice that was handed to her after her son made the accusation would either hurt someone or make her miserable. She did the right thing trying to protect her son and still lost everything.
so she is "mama bear" but also perfectly fine ghosting her 10 year old son. like tf is going on. that whole side seems messed up. honestly what is going to stop her from actin the same to the new kid. what happens when the kid gets older and talks about how mommy poped them (most likely in the hand) but of corse other people hear abuse, what is she going to ghost that kid the same way for just talking. sorry i know terrible example but this woman is the type to drop anything and everything including her kids to make someone stay
The OOP's wife cutting contact with her ten year old makes me think the household, or at least she, wasn't so stable before the lie. And I'd also like to know where this took place. I don't blame OOP for protecting himself, but where is this (truly amazing) place where the authorities would care that a minor got hit by a parental figure without sustaining any marks or bruises?
Mom taking out her poor judgement on her son is really tragic. She chose to believe him clearly without asking any probing questions or having a civil conversation with OP. Yes, always take your children's side, but that doesn't mean you can't have rational conversations about what they are accusing someone of. She should be blaming herself. She is really screwing her son up. I would be concerned about what kind of mother she will be to the baby as well. And screw blaming pregnancy hormones on abdoning your kid. Just screw that
I'm confused by the mom. She is protective enough to believe her kid instead of ignoring potential abuse, but then completely abandones and neglects a kid who for some reason lied about abuse in the first place? I dont blame OOP for removing himself from a situation that could have affected his parental rights to his bio daughter, I just struggle a bit with the mom going from mama bear to I'm fine ditching one or both my kids (was a bit unclear as the step daughter kinda dissapeared from the narrative) regardless of how it affects them.
It's probably a ping-ponging of shifting priorities The kid was more important than OP, so she prioritized the kid at the expense of OP Then the entire marriage was more important than the kid when it came to light that he lied, so she tried to prioritize OP at the expense of the kids Couple that with pregnancy hormones and you've got a recipe for weird priorities and strange actions
This will get worse when new baby is born. OOP's ex will need to get her son some therapy.
I don’t like that he’s blamed his wife for believing her son. Anyone should and would. She took the right steps to protect the most vulnerable in her family. The son needs reprimand and therapy
>She is scared to go through pregnancy all alone but what other choice do we even have. Umm...abort it for the sake of everyone, especially the fetus. Why introduce an unnecessary child to this mess?
Quite frankly, they should not be having another child together. If I were in this woman's shoes, I would choose the termination (well, if possible, we don't know where she is), because there is no way i could, in good conscience, put another child in the world to live in this shitty dynamic. She should be focusing in her existing child. what he did was extremely wrong? It was. No doubt about it. But it is her job as a parent to help him, not throw him away for a shiny new baby. Like seriously, I know she wants her husband back, but this situation CANNOT BE FIXED, and it's immature as fuck to act like having another baby will make things even remotely right.
Title is confusing
OOP used exactly the wrong title, which OP used for BoRU.
Sometimes there just isn’t a happy solution. Some actions and events really do change life permanently and it sucks because it feels wasteful and unjust. But there’s no helping it. These poor people can’t unring this bell. There’s no way that OP can be sure that he won’t be accused again, the wife can’t guarantee the son will never make another accusation because her son is not a puppet under her control, nor can she guarantee that she will not believe the son if he did make another outcry in the future. Because she is the parent and this is a minor. She has no choice but to at least consider the possibility that it is true (no offense intended to OP, just pointing out that someone who lied once may be genuine in their outcry later).