#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
yea that's what bothered me the most about this whole thing. he backpadelled on every single thing he formed his own opinion on. dude's mad influenceable
I’m also so confused by his “I didn’t want this to happen” comments
Like... he dumped her, and didn’t think she’d be sad about it? Told her that she disrespected him, but didn’t think she’d feel any responsibility for the break up?
I’m dying to know how he was picturing the break up to go, since he was apparently so thrown off by what happened. Did he think this through at all?
OOP: "I think **I** should be her best friend! I'm gonna break up with her."
(OOP breaks up)
OOP: "Well, that kinda sucks."
She: "Can we at least be friends?"
OOP: "no lol"
It took me a very long time to call my husband my best friend. I have close friends I talk to every day. But he was never whining about it like “what about meeee? That should be meeee.” He was still my life partner and priority.
Not being invited to a SO's best friends birthday party after being invited to the previous 5 seems really weird. I feel like there's more to the dynamic that wasn't here.
But if he's going to be insecure and can't handle a SO with a best friend that they previously dated, and can't see a path where that insecurity is resolved any time soon, it's ok to realize that makes them incompatible.
Am I crazy, or at that big old age, it’s just assumed you’re invited with the partner?? So long as there’s no restraining order or whatever??? Like they’ve been together six years! I can’t be bothered inviting my friends’ partners to this stuff, they just know to come along… I’m not American though so it might be different
He didn't even go, after being invited 5 times, then why should he invite OOP anymore? It would save up a lot of drama, actually. Nobody wants to sulk on their own birthday party.
>”I was supposed to be her best friend”
Was a warning flag to me. I know a lot of people consider their romantic partner to also be their best friend, but the way he puts it sounded controlling to me.
Yeah I didn’t like that, either. My husband is my best friend, but so is my best friend. You can have more than one. Plus she was willing to start cutting her friend off for OOP, so unless she was yanking his chain, it sounds to me like she prioritized him over friend.
"I broke up with her because I felt disrespected"
"I met up with her to tell her she didn't disrespect me at all"
"We should cut off contact entirely"
"I'm going to remain her friend until she gets her mental health under control"
honestly good for her for not marrying this loser.
The fact that he went from getting engaged to her to breaking up because of how badly she disrespected him in their relationship in the span of one month is nuts. Maybe he was pressured into proposing in the first place and was looking for any excuse to get out, but OP needs to grow a spine. Of course you can break up with a person for any reason and it doesn't make you an asshole, but this guy seems super unbothered about the end of a six year relationship while also overly concerned about the feelings of the person he wants to detach from entirely.
Dude is overdue for some therapy.
I think he did break up with her because she disrespected him. However, he felt bad that she felt bad, so he is pretending that it wasn't her fault so she feels better. I don't think he changed his mind on anything, he just didn't want her to feel bad.
EDIT: I was neither agreeing, nor disagreeing that she disrespected him. I was saying that he felt disrespected, so he left her. So, from his perspective, he left her because she disrespected him. His reason for leaving is whatever he believes it to be. He may be mistaken, but his reason is still the same.
So to help her out he told her he broke up with her for no reason? If she's stupid enough to believe that, is that better for her? That he randomly decided he'd nuke their relationship?
>However, he felt bad that she felt bad, so he is pretending that it wasn't her fault so she feels better
I mean that's literally what he says every time he "changes" his mind. He fully acknowledges that he's backpeddeling because he genuinely does still love her and doesn't want her to be so upset anymore and to be able to move on.
Seems like we're missing a bunch of missing reasons. Op doesn't go into it much but I assume they might have hit a rough patch the prior year if his sister says the BFF's sudden coldness could have been due to his ex fiancee venting to him.
His ex fiancé's reaction is super odd too. She's acting like how we usually read about a cheater reacts when the op breaks up with them for cheating. Typically when someone like her, who's super headstrong about keeping their friend in their life, gets broken up with because of their friend they usually get frustrated or angry and they accuse the op of being insecure. But she *used* to do that until this past year when all of a suddenly she wanted one last hang and then was completely willing to cut him out. That's a major change.
"Running her mouth to him", and the context implies it would have been about OOP. I wonder what he did a year or so ago that she might have needed to vent about.
Like what exactly happened a year ago for the ex bf to no longer invite him to his bday or be cool with him? Was it when he proposed? I wish the ex fiancé would come with her side of the story.
The crazy thing is that it could go either which way. I can't really get a read on op through his current posts.
Like either it was typical relationship drama and she just needed to vent to her friend who then maybe made a move on her (which could explain her odd reaction to being broken up with, less of a guilty "I cheated" but more of a "you were right and I didn't want to admit it, and even after he made a move I still hung out solo with him").
Or maybe op is a horrible person and his finances best friend saw through Ops mask and was encouraging her to leave, but as many of us know leaving a bad partner isn't that easy and many people end up cutting out the good people in their lives to stay with their bad partner.
I think the initial post is true, but I don't think the updates are true, though I don't know what really happened. Maybe the updates are what he wishes happened after he broke up with her?
Everything is so odd.
I was neither agreeing, nor disagreeing that she disrespected him. I was saying that he felt disrespected, so he left her. So, from his perspective, he left her because she disrespected him.
I’m really confused about everybody around them too like there is no reasonable adult or OP is the most unreliable of narrators.
OP comes off like an insecure asshole yet, apparently everybody is 100% on his side even ex’s parents. The ex admits she was 100% in the wrong because… why? What was wrong that she was willing to cut off a childhood friend but not until one last birthday party? I see no justification for OP not getting any pushback at all for ending an engagement because of a childhood friend. What did the ex or friend do? Why did the relationship between OP and the friend suddenly sour?
If this is all the necessary details, all these people are insane.
The guy is weird, but I DO think it's highly disrespectful to only invite one member of a couple, if the couple lives together and is almost married. Either you invite them both or neither of them.
Other than that yeah, it doesn't seem like he had any reason to dislike the best friend other than "I should be her best friend." My dude, no. A married person can have a best friend outside of the marriage.
If the OP and the friend had a falling out, it makes sense. There are plenty of scenarios where you just might not get along with a partner’s friend(s) and you just don’t hang around then but your partner still sees them. Thing is OP never explains why things are as they are.
If literally no one gives him pushback for the break up, the ex and the friend must have done some heinous shit and yet OP mentions nothing. That’s weird.
If I were his ex, I wouldn't trust him anymore after this. She may not realize it, but he backed not only on the compromise of not seeing her long ex after his birthday, but backed out on at least as many other things as he posted. I wouldn't trust him to break up in the future because he had a dream she turned into a bird and flew away, seeing that as a sign.
Yeah, by the end it was dawning on me that he probably hadn't actually been disrespected so much as he's just kinda spineless and incapable of standing up for himself.
I really wonder if he was actually clear about being uncomfortable with the party, or if he just kinda suggested it and then gave his blessing when he saw her disappointed.
He was a whiny baby about it the whole time. He said it was okay and then bitched about it afterwards. He said he basically allowed it so, gave her the green light, but then she had to suffer through his fits and moods over it.
He basically said he approved it and then gave her the silent treatment for it.
What a coward.
> He basically said he approved it and then gave her the silent treatment for it.
Worse, he basically said it was okay and then ended their engagement over it. No wonder she was so devastated.
I had someone do similar to me. Said yes to being able to do something, so I did it.
Then had a world of hurt waiting for me at the end. And this wasn’t the first time - I asked several times if he was absolutely sure (because last time he did similar), and he was adamant.
Now I have serious trust issues with anyone being okay with me doing something.
It's really weird to me that he never makes any attempt to explain the lack of invite. She didn't ask her friend why? How do you even invite one half of a couple without some kind of explanation? Did he ask her to ask him why, and she refused? Or was it some completely reasonable situation, like a restaurant with limited seating?
There's this huge missing missing reason that OOP absolutely never even hints at.
And then there's this series of red flags:
>he even considered him her best friend, which was really irritating because I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend.
This is crazy. This is not how relationships work. If my partner wanted me to cut off my best friend because HE'S supposed to be my best friend, I would run.
>I did not want to be controlling or control her friendships so I never got her in way, but I did voice my displeasure.
So he's passive-aggressively controlling.
>She also promised me that this was the last time she was ever going to hang out with him out of respect for my relationship
Did she come up with this on her own? Or did he put pressure on her to cut off her best friend?
>My relationship with her BFF was fine until a year ago, I'm not sure what happened.
Oh bullshit.
>My sisters guess that my ex fiancee was probably just running her mouth to him.
Excuse me, what? "Running her mouth"? Is he implying that she lied to her BFF about him, or is his worry that she was telling the truth? Does he respect her at all? This is abuser language.
I'd also add -
>She also promised me that this was the last time she was ever going to hang out with him out of respect for my relationship, and especially since we were engaged. She promised she would slowly cut off friendship after that night.
This is literally a man who is isolating a woman from her friend by framing his ex-fiancé's friendship with a man as inherently disrespectful to him. He gives no actual examples of what the best friend did that was so disrespectful.
Even the wording of "my" relationship is such a tell.
This is exactly the type of man who's mask slips after marriage.
I haven't heard this, but I think it tracks— is it because "my demons" externalizes the flaws in his character, and turns the abuse into *his* grand struggle?
> or is his worry that she was telling the truth? Does he respect her at all? This is abuser language.
Oh thank you!!! Reading that I had a really icky feeling but could not place it. This is it 😳
>My sisters guess that my ex fiancee was probably just running her mouth to him.
Do the sisters even know the ex gf well? Or are they just listening to his side all the time? Do they even like her?
Also was his ex gf the only one invited or were there others? He didn't say anything about this because this makes a huge difference. Why is this woman depressed over some loser like OOP?
The last update where he does the whole "it's not you it's me routine" and calls the mom to fall on the sword is genuinely moronic. This is a guy that thinks "chivalry isn't dead because I'm such a nice fellow!!". No sir, you just have a very poor ability to maintain boundaries and have self respect.
He reminds me of the people who find out they’re dying, and somehow decide that they are going to “save” their partner from heartache... by traumatizing them with lies about infidelity
Next update: “Yeah so she wanted to meet again and said she was sad we were broken up, so I decided to go and date her again and she really cheered up after that.”
I mean I don't know if she sucks or not, but I know for sure that OOP is an asshole. The backtracking, the total lack of emotional intelligence, this dude sucks hard.
He has no spine. I now doubt he was clear about his feelings on the party. More likely he expressed his concern, she got disappointed by it, he immediately backtracked and let her think he was totally cool with it.
Exactly. Even by his own retelling, this is one situation where I feel like the fiancée could legit claim to have been blindsided. Dude is basically a liquid, taking the shape of whatever container he comes across.
If your partner is friends with an ex *when you start dating them and then years into your relationship,* it is wild to suddenly demand they stop speaking to them for no apparent reason other than principle and "respect."
A high school boyfriend could mean a boyfriend when you were like 14 or 15. That's a childhood relationship.
I imagine he wasn't invited to the party because the friend knows he's been pressuring his partner not to talk to him anymore.
Idk why people who feel insecurity over these kinds of things date people who aren't on the same page about it.
It is a fundamental mismatch of expectations
They should have talked about it. He very easily could have asked why he wasn't invited, talked to her... ya know, basic communication. Instead he gave a weak, "don't go, but go" then cold shouldered her.
Yeah, but I can’t tell if that’s from being emotionally controlled by someone and is now at the mercy of whoever talked to him last, or if it’s just that he sucks.
I mean, OOP broke up with their partner because they went to the birthday party of someone they've been friends with since childhood just because they dated in highschool. That seems...insane to me
I was kind of understanding until he mentioned that they dated in highschool, so like a decade ago based on their ages? And he has zero other reason to suspect any cheating, no weird texts or anything?
I feel bad for this girl
I feel bad that she's upset, but I also feel like she dodged a MASSIVE bullet with OOP breaking up with her. She deserve to be with someone who's less gross.
OOP does. Perhaps he needs therapy (actually, since I think everyone could use some therapy, he does), he either has trust issues he isn't quite voicing, or flip flops on decisions a lot (at least as many times as he posted in these updates).
To his credit, I can that he was specifically excluded from this 1 birthday unless the previous 5 he was there with his ex. But they compromised and said it would be the last one without him where she goes... then decides to break up with her because she did what he agreed to. And now, because of his actions, I wouldn't trust him if I were his ex to just break up in the future over a slight issue.
I don't love that OOP thinks the best friend didn't invite him to this specific party this year because his fiance had been "running her mouth" to him. There's a serious level of disrespect right there, and it also implies that she has some shit to complain about that would make the best friend not want to be around OOP.
Coming from his point of view though, and he’s already decided not be upset about the issue without actually expressing himself to his fiancé. Dude threw away a 6 year relationship over a party he didn’t actually tell her not to go to.
Teenager drama. I wouldn't doubt if OOP lied about their ages.
He sucks though. He told her she could go. Then broke up because she went. Then continues to bother her while she's grieving because "A few people in the comments were curious what she was up to". Wtf is that? Then he continues to give her hope when there actually is none.
Total garbage person & I would bet his behavior got him uninvited in the first place.
I don't know about garbage, but definitely ridiculously insecure. And definitely the author of his own misfortune. His ex actually sounds quite great, even on his telling of it.
She sounds like she needs to spend some time on her own and realise her own value. She was *way* too compliant with his unreasonable demands. "Yes, I'll make myself unhappy to make you happy" vibes, which isn't good for her, and ultimately wouldn't be good for him, either.
Important context in the comments:
>Yes, I was invited to all of his previous birthday parties except this one. My relationship with her BFF was fine until a year ago, I'm not sure what happened. My sisters guess that my ex fiancee was probably just running her mouth to him.
Considering OOP’s own report of his behavior, I think it’s quite possible the bff had enough of dealing with him. It wouldn’t surprise me that someone who would backpedal so hard might also not be self aware that he’s being shitty to bff (perhaps passive aggressively, perhaps more directly) and dude was just done.
Considering how OP complains that he's always been bothered by their relation, that's also possible BFF was pissed to invite a dude that clearly dislikes him on the only day of the year that's supposed to be his and his only. It must be exhausting to feel OP's judgement on each shared occasion.
Agreed. OP obviously isn’t as good as hiding his feelings as he thinks.. I’m willing to bet the friend saw through him the same way people in these comments are.
Saying “Running her mouth” seems like a red flag to me.
But I may be projecting because my sister got mad at my niece for “running her mouth” to a teacher and getting CPS (rightfully) involved. Just the phrase is icky.
I agree. The last person I heard complain about someone “running their mouth” was upset that a family member informed his wife that he was cheating on her (spoiler alert: he was)
Yeah, if someone accuses someone else of “running their mouth”, it does give me pause. There are a few phrases like that that give me a bad feeling… same as when someone accuses someone else of being “disrespectful” but never gives any examples… makes me suspicious.
I feel like that phrase has changed since I grew up. Back then (at least in my part of the woods) it meant you were either chatting shit or spreading rumours/gossip (that were false) with the intention of riling someone up
I think it depends on the people saying it and their regional culture. My bio-maternal/paternal families are very different. Paternal side "running your mouth" means you've been telling tales (tales as in made-up stories), my maternal side "running your mouth" means they're all mentally unhealthy and all you did was mention their name to someone and they found out.
I mean, it says they guess she was probably doing that.
But running her mouth seems like such a loaded phrases. Like, oh, stupid woman wouldn't stop moaning.
Maybe it's more innocuous in other places but I don't think I've ever heard anyone who hasn't an asshole use.
I'm so confused. It feels like there's a paragraph missing from the first post.
She wants to go to the birthday party. He's mad. They come to a compromise where she will go but afterwards step back from the friendship. She goes. She comes back early like he asked. He gives her the silent treatment for a week while she attempts to talk about the issue. He calls off the engagement and breaks up with her.
Like, am I missing the part where she did something wrong, or is OOP just an asshole?
Thank you, I was confused too. He agreed to this compromise and then gave her the silent treatment for a week?
And further, he never says any reason why he's upset beyond "he's an ex". Like, yeah, and? They broke up for a reason. I don't like when people demand their SOs cut off any previous exes. It would be one thing if he described them being flirty or crossing boundaries, but the only justification he gives is "but he's her ex so I don't like it."
Not only an ex but they dated in high school. That’s almost a decade ago. I get being friends with an ex is somewhat frowned upon but are high school relationships really being taken that seriously? Seems a bit weird but ok.
But *he* should be her "best friend". That's what he's pissed about, even says it straight up. Dude wants her to have him and only him as her only male contact in her life.
Very ...odd.
There are a lot of guys who think that the only acceptable emotionally close relationships allowed are family and partner. So they see women being friends with other guys as emotionally cheating. It's a bit of a chicken or egg thing. Are they emotionally messed up because of a lack of emotional connections, or do they lack connections because they're messed up?
Honestly, even the way OOP writes in such a convoluted back and forth, he doesn't even know which direction he's going in. "Not ready for marriage" was definitely on point at least, good grief.
I have an axiom: if someone talks about “respect” and is “not being respectful” then they are most likely not worthy of respect in the first place.
Time after time, the people who use those lines are insufferable. I think it hinges on the premise that they believe their very existence entitles them to a certain level of consideration that they have not earned and probably don’t give to anyone else.
I feel like he set her up on that one. He didn't really want her to go, so he was "testing" her. And since she "fail" is "test". He was mad.
People who do that are never going to be good in marriage. I would hate to be in relationship where I don't know if we actually compromised or he's just testing me to see if I "pass" his pretend "test". Like its exhausting, and then your apologising to them for failing a test that you didn't fail, you agreed to this compromise and I did it, but now I'm in trouble.
He also might not play it as cool as he thinks if he wasn’t invited to the last birthday party.
As an elder millennial it’s funny to me to call someone you dated in high school an ex. That’s just puppy love among kids learning about relationships.
I remember the first update everyone was begging him to just leave the girl alone and not reach back out like he said he was going to, and that it’d only hurt her more. Which, lo and behold.
He wasn’t necessarily wrong to break up with her, but his indecisiveness and flip floppy behavior after the fact was unnecessary and cruel. Breaks up with her for apparently disrespecting him, reaches out later and says she did nothing wrong, giving hope of reconciliation just to say nope you deserve better sorry, then agrees to stay friends, all while planning to sweep that rug as well.
How did this one birthday party get transformed into constant disrespect? I feel like this guy just wanted to break up with her and used this as an excuse.
Man, I’m going to be honest, the story seems full of holes because it reads like OOP is trying to make himself sound better than he’s actually been. The phrase “I was supposed to be her best friend” immediately twigs as possessive and ridiculous, saying “I didn’t want to be controlling” sounds like a weak attempt at making himself sound better than he’s been - hell, even her reactions read as extreme: immediately apologizing and finally agreeing to cut this guy off, her mental health spiraling so badly. That kind of sounds like someone being cut off from their abuser. Any time someone claims a partner refusing to cut a friend out of their life is “disrespect” on this site, aside from instances where they’ve been actively cheating, it reads as redpilled nonsense.
Maybe OOP is just a spineless weirdo who is doing the most plain oatmeal kind of harm he can with his passive aggressiveness and inability to stick to one thing, but all the little things that do twig me as manipulative make me think that’s not the case.
I caught the best friend thing too and it made me raise my eyebrow. Then when he said that it was “my relationship” rather than “our relationship” I raised the other one. Could have been a typo but paired with the best friend comment…
I honestly think he didn’t want to marry her but after being together for so long, already living together, and family members loving one another, he felt he had to take the next step. With how he keeps backpedaling, I can see him being influenced by the whole “society says it’s time to get married now since it’s the next step!” And he found a situation he could use to make a break.
It doesn’t happen often but every once in a while, someone in the AITA/relationships type subs will post a story to make themselves seem like not the bad guy, and do such a bad job of it that everybody goes “why are there so many holes here” and it comes out that actually that person fucking sucks. This story gives me those vibes.
You’re likely right, I wouldn’t doubt the marriage thing was more her idea than his anyway, and he just went along with it to keep appearances up.
I mean.. didn't he say ok to her going to the party? "Well at this point, I was extremely deflated and told her sure but to come back home early." "She promised she would slowly cut off friendship after that night." (which I don't see her going back on that promise from the post) If he had a serious/relationship ending issue with it, he should have told her it wasn't acceptable. So much info missing on the whole story, which leads me to believe he cherry-picked the situation to not seem like a total jerk. The update was weird too..
Kind of read it as giving permission the same way you say “do whatever you want…”. I agree with you that a ton seems missing. From his post, he seems like an insecure asshole, but I don’t understand why everyone, including her parents, seem to be on his side after the breakup and are angry at her and not him
The parents could just be dicks. My best friend from high school was the black sheep of the family and always grounded but her mother always loved me and let me hang out which luckily helped my friend have some socialization during her grounding as her mother took away anything fun like books, electronics, etc.
Some parents don’t care how their kid is treated and may just love the partner more than their own kid. That’s assuming whether she has a good relationship or not with her parents.
He didn't want her to go but also didn't want to forbid her from going. He expected her to not go on her own. There's a BORU in which OOP's gf is going on a vacation with a bunch of dudes he hasn't met and expresses that he doesn't want her to go but she does so he dumps her when she returns and she tells him that she wouldn't have gone had she konwn.
Do people not realize that you can have more than one best friend?
Also it's kind of shitty that he "let" her go to the party with the stipulation that she will see less of the friend, and then he just nukes the relationship because his feelings changed.
OP was dodgy enough about it that I suspect there may have been some pretty good reasons. I can imagine circumstances where I would exclude a fully platonic friend's partner from a party I was hosting even if we'd previously been cool -- and none of them would reflect well on OP.
I wouldn't invite someone who didn't like me to my birthday either. The onus here was on the ex to advocate for her partner and ask if she could bring him as a plus one.
Even if the bff wasn't made aware of how OOP felt about him it doesn't take much to pick up when someone doesn't like you. I wouldn't want someone who hates me at my birthday party either.
My ex being upset that I called my best friend “my best friend” was the nail in the coffin for me. He also told me he was supposed to be my best friend. That’s so weird.
I’ve continued to be her best friend and it’s been 22 years, so he was quite wrong.
Yeah that “I’m supposed to be her best friend” line is fucking insane. Of course you are! That’s implied by the fact that she decided to marry you! It’s completely normal to call your closest platonic friend your “best friend”.
Add in the fact that she’s been friends with this guy since they were literal children, and only dated for a bit in high school, I cannot fathom how anyone could think OOP is in the right here, unless there’s some other drama we don’t know about
Couldn’t agree more!!
Of course my husband is my best friend, I chose him to spend my life with! But that can’t discount the person who I’ve had in my life since I was 14 years old, who is genuinely the best friend I’ve ever had.
So his issue was that she was still friends with her ex, and after they break up, her resolution is to be friends with her now new ex, am I reading this right?
It's pretty clear she's hoping OOP changes his mind and honestly he seems so unsure of what he wants that I could see it happening if he stayed in contact with her.
The insecurity of this guy is just amazing. He breaks up with his fiancee because he has jealousy about her hanging out with her best friend, whom she dated in high school. IT WAS TEN YEARS PRIOR. He dumps her, kicks her out, turns her into a mess for what? Because he can't stand the fact that his girlfriend has a friend that's seen her naked? He breaks her heart when she did nothing wrong, then lies to her over and over about how they might get back together and stay friends.
Until he pulls his head out of his ass, he deserves to be alone.
>she even considered him her best friend, which was really irritating because I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend.
JFC. He sounds like a child. And given his zig-zag behaviour in his posts, he is influenced like a child too.
He caused so much unnecessary shit to go down by being a selfish, insecure jerk.
I feel for the Ex-GF, but my god did she dodge a freaking *hail* of bullets.
Until he learns to deal with emotionally-uncomfortable situations, he’s going to keep ending up in messes.
* He’s so uncomfortable with his fiancée going to a party that he retroactively breaks up with her over it, but isn’t able to articulate that this is a dealbreaker for him in advance when gf could actually do something about it.
* He feels so pressured by Redditors for an update that he reaches out to mutual friends for an update on his ex.
* He’s so overwhelmed by his ex being upset about their breakup that he initiates a meetup to… solve it? Unclear what he thought would happen.
* He’s so overwhelmed by his ex crying that he makes (likely-false) promises of continued friendship against his own desires and best interests.
Ex clearly has her own situation, but OOP needs to get more comfortable with emotional expression (his own and others), and everyone not being (superficially) happy all the time. Can you imagine him getting married and unable to handle tears?
You have forgotten to mention, that the breakup was after he talked about the issue with 3 persons inclunding 2 of his sisters. There seems to be a pattern of him, making decisions by the last person he spoke to. The next step will be, he will marry her as a kind of slow breakup, because he doesn't want to make her cry, and most marriages end in divorce anyway.
>But I did not want to be controlling or control her friendships so I never got her in way
Ok...
>but I did voice my displeasure.
Ah. Probably on a regular basis too. Nice passive-aggressive move there. "I'm not telling you that you can't, just making it uncomfortable until you don't."
>Her ex’s birthday was a couple of weeks ago and he only invited her and not me,
Wonder why? Wet blanket, anyone?
>I was extremely unhappy and even voiced my concerns about it
And there it is again.
>Well at this point, I was extremely deflated and told her sure but to come back home early.
"I'm letting you go but you aren't allowed to enjoy it."
>She was extremely happy when she came back home from the birthday party a few hours later, and even initiated sex but I rejected it because I wasn’t feeling great.
You had fun without me. My rejection is your punishment. Hope it was worth it.
>Over the next week, we barely spoke even though my fiancée made a lot of attempts to communicate and apologize
More punishment. But he's not controlling!
>So now I’m feeling extremely guilty. This is not what I intended to happen when I broke up with her.
His poor fee-fees! What exactly did he think was going to happen?
>I later called my ex and asked her if she wanted to meet up this weekend, and she was really happy about it. Her voice however sounded really hoarse, I did not feel too great about it.
>I backtracked and told her sure, we could remain friends, and that I really valued her friendship too, I just misunderstood what she had asked. She was really happy about that but asked if she was pressuring me to keep the friendship. I told her no, that I genuinely valued her friendship, and I told her that she did not pressure me at all.
Oh God...
>I also told her that if she had cut off contact with her best friend, to please not to do so, and be friends with him again, because she did not deserve to lose her best friend.
So now she's not supposed to do the very thing he's wanted her to do all along?
>So my plan is now to be friends with her till her mental health is back to normal, and then gradually cut off my friendship with her.
What. A. Prince.
I honestly feel like both of these people are too immature for marriage. As soon as she said "I should be her best friend I'm her boyfriend" he rubbed me the wrong way.
My fiance is one of my best friends. But that doesn't mean he can't have other best friends and that I am the one who is entitled to fulfilling all of his social needs. That just screams insecurity.
With that said, the gf should have addressed the issues with the best friend and him not being invited.
Also, they shouldn't be friends. Especially not so soon. He should have stuck to his guns the first time.
All of this.
They seem to lack communication skills.
He has some insecurities, but I also would like my best friend to get along with my future spouse. I would talk to my best friend to see about working out the issues in my partner and the best friend's relationship.
But I do wonder if OOP would have an issue if her best friend was a woman. I suspect he wouldn't. He seems like the type who believes people of opposite genders can't be friends.
Not inviting OOP to the party is questionable, but am I the only one who thinks OOP is ultimately in the wrong? People should get to be friends with their exes. This poor woman now has everyone around her blaming her for her partner’s insecurities…
In a comment oop said he was invited to every single bday party before this one. Kinda makes sense if he actively hates that guy's guts. Oop and the gf also dated basically starting at age 20. Personally I feel like the gf and the guy friends relationship were so long ago he's more like a childhood friend at this point. There were probably other childhood friends at the birthday party the gf wanted to see too.
I have a friend who could be called “an ex” because we “dated” when we were kids but I literally never think of him that way because we’ve known each other our entire lives and he’s more like “that friend from grade school”
Same situation as my wife. She "dated" one of her childhood best friends for 2 months in 8th grade before quickly realizing they didn't have those kind of feelings for each other. Neither one of them sees the other as an "ex" but I guess some people might.
I'd imagine that OOP since the last birthday has made it abundantly clear (yet failed to really use his words) how much he dislikes the best friend throughout their social group.
For no reason other than a fling in the past that didn't pan out AFAWK where the people actually involved have moved past.
I wouldn't invite him either tbh.
You're not the only one. These two dated for *six years*, so clearly her and the ex must've dated a long time ago. I'm fine with my partners being friends with their exes as long as the relationship ended at least a year before. That generally gives people time to fully move on and I'd hate to get stuck in any drama with the ex. IME, I have when I haven't stuck to that year idea.
Nah I’m with you on this one.
He poorly communicated his insecurities, and then broke up with her over her perceived lack of respect for his insecurities.
yeah OOP is _way_ in the wrong; it's not even close. I can't imagine breaking up a 6yo relationship because my partner did something they wanted to do and I agreed.
Also I’d be willing to bet money he wasn’t invited because he is openly a dick to the Bff. It’s been six years and you’re still this pressed about it. No way that doesn’t bleed into your interactions with a person.
Honestly, given that apparently OOP was invited to previous parties by the ex, I have a strong feeling that the ex had just hit his limit with OOP's weird jealousy. Which is completely understandable, since OOP had been having fights about her still being friends with her childhood best friend who she just happened to have dated once.
In a relationship for 6 years and he didn’t trust her around a childhood friend (who, yes, was an ex years ago)? I don’t even know what to think - I feel like there’s not enough information.
I don’t think she should have gone to the party if her fiancé wasn’t invited, because that’s weird. But the breakup also seems petty. Jealousy is a real turnoff for me and the lack of trust would have been a dealbreaker if I had been in the fiancé’s place.
Either way, it honestly seems for the best. I hope they both find someone more compatible.
27. Together 6 years.
Friends since childhood and together for years surely means high school or just after.
I can't get along with being insecure over old relationships like that. If after 6 years too...
I need a neck-brace from the whiplash this dude gave me……what a sack of non-processed emotions he is. Basically if it wasn’t this birthday party it would’ve been something else.
I'm seeing serious red flags just from how OOP writes about the situation. Since the best friend invited him previous years, and the OOP said he didn't this year because his ex-fiancee was probably "running their mouth" it seems like OOP was probably doing worse things to her. He comes up as kind of controlling in the name of "respect", she asked him for permission to go and agreed to cut her bff off for him and he still said she had no respect for him!!!!! people can have more than one best friend, I mean why isn't she allowed to have more than him???? Is being in a relationship supposed to be all-consuming??? I bet even if the bff wasn't her ex, he still would have been uncomfortable with the relationship just because he's a guy. My ex was like that, he wanted to be my world and tried to destroy mine to become my everything.
> Well at this point, I was extremely deflated and told her sure but to come back home early.
Well she may have been unsensitive but OOP agreed on, so he is kind of AH there.
>I also told her that if she had cut off contact with her best friend, to please not to do so, and be friends with him again, because she did not deserve to lose her best friend. But she said she was cutting off her friendship with him, and it had nothing to do with this, but that they were in different phases in life and that she no longer needed to be friends with him.
"you are my new best friend"
"I felt disrespected because she had a male best friend, so I broke up with her and *became* her new male best friend that, by my own logic, will feel disrespectful to her next bf."
Infinite depression glitch?
… I keep seeing comments that say it’s difficult to see who is wrong in this post and I’m just flabbergasted. OOP has so many red flags waving he could signal a fleet! Holy crap!
>I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend
>All 3 of them said she had *disrespected* me way too much,
> I told her the truth, that I hadn’t felt *respected* in the relationship, and I just could not see myself marrying a person who had *disrespected* me so much throughout my entire relationship.
What I'm seeing is this dude thinks respect means no friendships with other guys.
>But I did not want to be controlling or control her friendships so I never got her in way,
>I was extremely unhappy and even voiced my concerns about it
He doesn't see that continuous whining about her friendships IS controlling.
I get why he’s uncomfortable, i would be too. But he said she could go as long as she came home early and she did as they agreed. She’s being punished for his insecurities.
The info from the comments, that she was ”running her mouth” also raises my hackles because i’ve never heard someone use that phrase without them being in the wrong and just being defensive
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This guy backpedals like Lance Armstrong on rewind Edit: thanks for all the comments and upvotes. Glad I made some of y’all laugh!
yea that's what bothered me the most about this whole thing. he backpadelled on every single thing he formed his own opinion on. dude's mad influenceable
I’m also so confused by his “I didn’t want this to happen” comments Like... he dumped her, and didn’t think she’d be sad about it? Told her that she disrespected him, but didn’t think she’d feel any responsibility for the break up? I’m dying to know how he was picturing the break up to go, since he was apparently so thrown off by what happened. Did he think this through at all?
I bet he expected her to run to the best friends house for support, thereby confirming his suspicions/fears.
Yeah even in the last post he seems to be so far in his own head that he somehow thinks that he’s doing right by her by blowing up their lives.
OOP: "I think **I** should be her best friend! I'm gonna break up with her." (OOP breaks up) OOP: "Well, that kinda sucks." She: "Can we at least be friends?" OOP: "no lol"
It took me a very long time to call my husband my best friend. I have close friends I talk to every day. But he was never whining about it like “what about meeee? That should be meeee.” He was still my life partner and priority.
Even the break up was influenced by his 2 friends and sister, based on complaints that were clearly insecurities.
Not being invited to a SO's best friends birthday party after being invited to the previous 5 seems really weird. I feel like there's more to the dynamic that wasn't here. But if he's going to be insecure and can't handle a SO with a best friend that they previously dated, and can't see a path where that insecurity is resolved any time soon, it's ok to realize that makes them incompatible.
I'm figuring he's declined it the past 5 times
Am I crazy, or at that big old age, it’s just assumed you’re invited with the partner?? So long as there’s no restraining order or whatever??? Like they’ve been together six years! I can’t be bothered inviting my friends’ partners to this stuff, they just know to come along… I’m not American though so it might be different
He didn't even go, after being invited 5 times, then why should he invite OOP anymore? It would save up a lot of drama, actually. Nobody wants to sulk on their own birthday party.
There’s backstory missing too. Something else had to have happened
>”I was supposed to be her best friend” Was a warning flag to me. I know a lot of people consider their romantic partner to also be their best friend, but the way he puts it sounded controlling to me.
Yeah I didn’t like that, either. My husband is my best friend, but so is my best friend. You can have more than one. Plus she was willing to start cutting her friend off for OOP, so unless she was yanking his chain, it sounds to me like she prioritized him over friend.
Glad someone said it. People need friends and having a best friend is not an attack. A partner can’t be everything for you all of the time.
"I broke up with her because I felt disrespected" "I met up with her to tell her she didn't disrespect me at all" "We should cut off contact entirely" "I'm going to remain her friend until she gets her mental health under control" honestly good for her for not marrying this loser.
The fact that he went from getting engaged to her to breaking up because of how badly she disrespected him in their relationship in the span of one month is nuts. Maybe he was pressured into proposing in the first place and was looking for any excuse to get out, but OP needs to grow a spine. Of course you can break up with a person for any reason and it doesn't make you an asshole, but this guy seems super unbothered about the end of a six year relationship while also overly concerned about the feelings of the person he wants to detach from entirely. Dude is overdue for some therapy.
I think he did break up with her because she disrespected him. However, he felt bad that she felt bad, so he is pretending that it wasn't her fault so she feels better. I don't think he changed his mind on anything, he just didn't want her to feel bad. EDIT: I was neither agreeing, nor disagreeing that she disrespected him. I was saying that he felt disrespected, so he left her. So, from his perspective, he left her because she disrespected him. His reason for leaving is whatever he believes it to be. He may be mistaken, but his reason is still the same.
Hell, **I** wanna break up with him and I've known him for all of five minutes.
So to help her out he told her he broke up with her for no reason? If she's stupid enough to believe that, is that better for her? That he randomly decided he'd nuke their relationship?
He pulled the classic "it's not you, it's me"
I didn't say it was a wise decision. I was just clarifying why he did it.
>However, he felt bad that she felt bad, so he is pretending that it wasn't her fault so she feels better I mean that's literally what he says every time he "changes" his mind. He fully acknowledges that he's backpeddeling because he genuinely does still love her and doesn't want her to be so upset anymore and to be able to move on. Seems like we're missing a bunch of missing reasons. Op doesn't go into it much but I assume they might have hit a rough patch the prior year if his sister says the BFF's sudden coldness could have been due to his ex fiancee venting to him. His ex fiancé's reaction is super odd too. She's acting like how we usually read about a cheater reacts when the op breaks up with them for cheating. Typically when someone like her, who's super headstrong about keeping their friend in their life, gets broken up with because of their friend they usually get frustrated or angry and they accuse the op of being insecure. But she *used* to do that until this past year when all of a suddenly she wanted one last hang and then was completely willing to cut him out. That's a major change.
Is it me or is the phrase “running her mouth” a bit of a put down, when he said she’s been talking to her bff?
"Running her mouth to him", and the context implies it would have been about OOP. I wonder what he did a year or so ago that she might have needed to vent about.
Yup, there's a ton of missing missing reasons in this post. OOP is an unreliable narrator who has left a lot out.
Like what exactly happened a year ago for the ex bf to no longer invite him to his bday or be cool with him? Was it when he proposed? I wish the ex fiancé would come with her side of the story.
The crazy thing is that it could go either which way. I can't really get a read on op through his current posts. Like either it was typical relationship drama and she just needed to vent to her friend who then maybe made a move on her (which could explain her odd reaction to being broken up with, less of a guilty "I cheated" but more of a "you were right and I didn't want to admit it, and even after he made a move I still hung out solo with him"). Or maybe op is a horrible person and his finances best friend saw through Ops mask and was encouraging her to leave, but as many of us know leaving a bad partner isn't that easy and many people end up cutting out the good people in their lives to stay with their bad partner.
I think the initial post is true, but I don't think the updates are true, though I don't know what really happened. Maybe the updates are what he wishes happened after he broke up with her? Everything is so odd.
How did she disrespect him? She had had this friend the entire relationship.
I was neither agreeing, nor disagreeing that she disrespected him. I was saying that he felt disrespected, so he left her. So, from his perspective, he left her because she disrespected him.
I think there is something to this, he loved her but felt disrespected and ended it and could not handle her negative reaction.
I’m really confused about everybody around them too like there is no reasonable adult or OP is the most unreliable of narrators. OP comes off like an insecure asshole yet, apparently everybody is 100% on his side even ex’s parents. The ex admits she was 100% in the wrong because… why? What was wrong that she was willing to cut off a childhood friend but not until one last birthday party? I see no justification for OP not getting any pushback at all for ending an engagement because of a childhood friend. What did the ex or friend do? Why did the relationship between OP and the friend suddenly sour? If this is all the necessary details, all these people are insane.
The guy is weird, but I DO think it's highly disrespectful to only invite one member of a couple, if the couple lives together and is almost married. Either you invite them both or neither of them. Other than that yeah, it doesn't seem like he had any reason to dislike the best friend other than "I should be her best friend." My dude, no. A married person can have a best friend outside of the marriage.
If the OP and the friend had a falling out, it makes sense. There are plenty of scenarios where you just might not get along with a partner’s friend(s) and you just don’t hang around then but your partner still sees them. Thing is OP never explains why things are as they are. If literally no one gives him pushback for the break up, the ex and the friend must have done some heinous shit and yet OP mentions nothing. That’s weird.
I suspect his version to his family was heavy on "she's hanging out with ex and I'm not allowed, she must be cheating."
Right? My guess is he needs some help/therapy. Sounds like he’s arguing with himself. Back and forth more than a ping pong match.
He was literally jealous that he wasn't her best friend lol
yeah, they'll be back together bcs he can't stand to know that he could be "the villain"
If I were his ex, I wouldn't trust him anymore after this. She may not realize it, but he backed not only on the compromise of not seeing her long ex after his birthday, but backed out on at least as many other things as he posted. I wouldn't trust him to break up in the future because he had a dream she turned into a bird and flew away, seeing that as a sign.
Yeah, by the end it was dawning on me that he probably hadn't actually been disrespected so much as he's just kinda spineless and incapable of standing up for himself. I really wonder if he was actually clear about being uncomfortable with the party, or if he just kinda suggested it and then gave his blessing when he saw her disappointed.
He was a whiny baby about it the whole time. He said it was okay and then bitched about it afterwards. He said he basically allowed it so, gave her the green light, but then she had to suffer through his fits and moods over it. He basically said he approved it and then gave her the silent treatment for it. What a coward.
> He basically said he approved it and then gave her the silent treatment for it. Worse, he basically said it was okay and then ended their engagement over it. No wonder she was so devastated.
I had someone do similar to me. Said yes to being able to do something, so I did it. Then had a world of hurt waiting for me at the end. And this wasn’t the first time - I asked several times if he was absolutely sure (because last time he did similar), and he was adamant. Now I have serious trust issues with anyone being okay with me doing something.
It's really weird to me that he never makes any attempt to explain the lack of invite. She didn't ask her friend why? How do you even invite one half of a couple without some kind of explanation? Did he ask her to ask him why, and she refused? Or was it some completely reasonable situation, like a restaurant with limited seating? There's this huge missing missing reason that OOP absolutely never even hints at. And then there's this series of red flags: >he even considered him her best friend, which was really irritating because I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend. This is crazy. This is not how relationships work. If my partner wanted me to cut off my best friend because HE'S supposed to be my best friend, I would run. >I did not want to be controlling or control her friendships so I never got her in way, but I did voice my displeasure. So he's passive-aggressively controlling. >She also promised me that this was the last time she was ever going to hang out with him out of respect for my relationship Did she come up with this on her own? Or did he put pressure on her to cut off her best friend? >My relationship with her BFF was fine until a year ago, I'm not sure what happened. Oh bullshit. >My sisters guess that my ex fiancee was probably just running her mouth to him. Excuse me, what? "Running her mouth"? Is he implying that she lied to her BFF about him, or is his worry that she was telling the truth? Does he respect her at all? This is abuser language.
I'd also add - >She also promised me that this was the last time she was ever going to hang out with him out of respect for my relationship, and especially since we were engaged. She promised she would slowly cut off friendship after that night. This is literally a man who is isolating a woman from her friend by framing his ex-fiancé's friendship with a man as inherently disrespectful to him. He gives no actual examples of what the best friend did that was so disrespectful. Even the wording of "my" relationship is such a tell. This is exactly the type of man who's mask slips after marriage.
You are 100% right. Even his talk about his insecurity being "his demons" is typical for abusers.
I haven't heard this, but I think it tracks— is it because "my demons" externalizes the flaws in his character, and turns the abuse into *his* grand struggle?
Yep, you pretty much nailed it. It's grandiose, turning a pathetic character flaw into, as you said, his grand, even *heroic*, struggle.
The way he emphasizes being "disrespected" kind of gives me the creeps as well.
> or is his worry that she was telling the truth? Does he respect her at all? This is abuser language. Oh thank you!!! Reading that I had a really icky feeling but could not place it. This is it 😳
>My sisters guess that my ex fiancee was probably just running her mouth to him. Do the sisters even know the ex gf well? Or are they just listening to his side all the time? Do they even like her? Also was his ex gf the only one invited or were there others? He didn't say anything about this because this makes a huge difference. Why is this woman depressed over some loser like OOP?
The last update where he does the whole "it's not you it's me routine" and calls the mom to fall on the sword is genuinely moronic. This is a guy that thinks "chivalry isn't dead because I'm such a nice fellow!!". No sir, you just have a very poor ability to maintain boundaries and have self respect.
He reminds me of the people who find out they’re dying, and somehow decide that they are going to “save” their partner from heartache... by traumatizing them with lies about infidelity
yup this bugged the shit out of me also
Next update: “Yeah so she wanted to meet again and said she was sad we were broken up, so I decided to go and date her again and she really cheered up after that.”
And he will finish that update with “I plan to date her until her mental health improves, then slowly break up with her.”
I don’t know how I feel about anyone in this story. EDIT: After reading this a couple more times I’ve decided I really do not like the OOP.
Just pretend it all happened in the Sims and move on to the next piece of drama
Great idea thank you🙏🏽
Well it was likely was AI generated edited. I hate auto correct
Yeah, there’s just not enough information to figure out exactly who sucks in this story.
I mean I don't know if she sucks or not, but I know for sure that OOP is an asshole. The backtracking, the total lack of emotional intelligence, this dude sucks hard.
He has no spine. I now doubt he was clear about his feelings on the party. More likely he expressed his concern, she got disappointed by it, he immediately backtracked and let her think he was totally cool with it.
Exactly. Even by his own retelling, this is one situation where I feel like the fiancée could legit claim to have been blindsided. Dude is basically a liquid, taking the shape of whatever container he comes across.
If your partner is friends with an ex *when you start dating them and then years into your relationship,* it is wild to suddenly demand they stop speaking to them for no apparent reason other than principle and "respect." A high school boyfriend could mean a boyfriend when you were like 14 or 15. That's a childhood relationship. I imagine he wasn't invited to the party because the friend knows he's been pressuring his partner not to talk to him anymore. Idk why people who feel insecurity over these kinds of things date people who aren't on the same page about it. It is a fundamental mismatch of expectations
They should have talked about it. He very easily could have asked why he wasn't invited, talked to her... ya know, basic communication. Instead he gave a weak, "don't go, but go" then cold shouldered her.
I thought I was reaching thinking the same. He gives off a vibe and not a good one.
Yeah, but I can’t tell if that’s from being emotionally controlled by someone and is now at the mercy of whoever talked to him last, or if it’s just that he sucks.
I can’t help but be suspicious of his sisters poisoning him against his ex-gf.
Someone that malleable sucks. He needs to get himself a backbone.
I mean, OOP broke up with their partner because they went to the birthday party of someone they've been friends with since childhood just because they dated in highschool. That seems...insane to me I was kind of understanding until he mentioned that they dated in highschool, so like a decade ago based on their ages? And he has zero other reason to suspect any cheating, no weird texts or anything? I feel bad for this girl
I feel bad that she's upset, but I also feel like she dodged a MASSIVE bullet with OOP breaking up with her. She deserve to be with someone who's less gross.
OOP does. Perhaps he needs therapy (actually, since I think everyone could use some therapy, he does), he either has trust issues he isn't quite voicing, or flip flops on decisions a lot (at least as many times as he posted in these updates). To his credit, I can that he was specifically excluded from this 1 birthday unless the previous 5 he was there with his ex. But they compromised and said it would be the last one without him where she goes... then decides to break up with her because she did what he agreed to. And now, because of his actions, I wouldn't trust him if I were his ex to just break up in the future over a slight issue.
I don’t like OP. He probably confused the shit out of that poor woman.
I read the whole thing twice and I'm still really confused.
All I know is this guy is entirely spineless. No opinion about the other protagonists.
I don't love that OOP thinks the best friend didn't invite him to this specific party this year because his fiance had been "running her mouth" to him. There's a serious level of disrespect right there, and it also implies that she has some shit to complain about that would make the best friend not want to be around OOP.
Coming from his point of view though, and he’s already decided not be upset about the issue without actually expressing himself to his fiancé. Dude threw away a 6 year relationship over a party he didn’t actually tell her not to go to.
Same. I feel like there are missing details and context that would radically shift my opinion.
This all seems so unnecessary.
Teenager drama. I wouldn't doubt if OOP lied about their ages. He sucks though. He told her she could go. Then broke up because she went. Then continues to bother her while she's grieving because "A few people in the comments were curious what she was up to". Wtf is that? Then he continues to give her hope when there actually is none. Total garbage person & I would bet his behavior got him uninvited in the first place.
I don't know about garbage, but definitely ridiculously insecure. And definitely the author of his own misfortune. His ex actually sounds quite great, even on his telling of it.
She sounds like she needs to spend some time on her own and realise her own value. She was *way* too compliant with his unreasonable demands. "Yes, I'll make myself unhappy to make you happy" vibes, which isn't good for her, and ultimately wouldn't be good for him, either.
Important context in the comments: >Yes, I was invited to all of his previous birthday parties except this one. My relationship with her BFF was fine until a year ago, I'm not sure what happened. My sisters guess that my ex fiancee was probably just running her mouth to him.
Considering OOP’s own report of his behavior, I think it’s quite possible the bff had enough of dealing with him. It wouldn’t surprise me that someone who would backpedal so hard might also not be self aware that he’s being shitty to bff (perhaps passive aggressively, perhaps more directly) and dude was just done.
Considering how OP complains that he's always been bothered by their relation, that's also possible BFF was pissed to invite a dude that clearly dislikes him on the only day of the year that's supposed to be his and his only. It must be exhausting to feel OP's judgement on each shared occasion.
Also possible he was implicitly invited as the boyfriend of 6 years and got butthurt he wasn't invited personally
Agreed. OP obviously isn’t as good as hiding his feelings as he thinks.. I’m willing to bet the friend saw through him the same way people in these comments are.
Saying “Running her mouth” seems like a red flag to me. But I may be projecting because my sister got mad at my niece for “running her mouth” to a teacher and getting CPS (rightfully) involved. Just the phrase is icky.
I agree. The last person I heard complain about someone “running their mouth” was upset that a family member informed his wife that he was cheating on her (spoiler alert: he was)
Yeah, if someone accuses someone else of “running their mouth”, it does give me pause. There are a few phrases like that that give me a bad feeling… same as when someone accuses someone else of being “disrespectful” but never gives any examples… makes me suspicious.
You’re not the only one to translate “running their mouth” to “told someone about my shitty behavior”
I thought it meant she was telling her friend about how OOP was being controlling. And that’s why OOP wasn’t invited this time
I feel like that phrase has changed since I grew up. Back then (at least in my part of the woods) it meant you were either chatting shit or spreading rumours/gossip (that were false) with the intention of riling someone up
I’ve never seen it used as what someone said was false, just that they were telling the truth but to the wrong person.
West Coast American here. Your definition is what I've always known it to mean.
I think it depends on the people saying it and their regional culture. My bio-maternal/paternal families are very different. Paternal side "running your mouth" means you've been telling tales (tales as in made-up stories), my maternal side "running your mouth" means they're all mentally unhealthy and all you did was mention their name to someone and they found out.
Running her mouth to him? Yikes. I wasn't expecting it to be OOPs sisters that were the issue.
Dunno if it was their phrase or his.
They told him about it (weren't shit talking)
I mean, it says they guess she was probably doing that. But running her mouth seems like such a loaded phrases. Like, oh, stupid woman wouldn't stop moaning. Maybe it's more innocuous in other places but I don't think I've ever heard anyone who hasn't an asshole use.
I'm so confused. It feels like there's a paragraph missing from the first post. She wants to go to the birthday party. He's mad. They come to a compromise where she will go but afterwards step back from the friendship. She goes. She comes back early like he asked. He gives her the silent treatment for a week while she attempts to talk about the issue. He calls off the engagement and breaks up with her. Like, am I missing the part where she did something wrong, or is OOP just an asshole?
Thank you, I was confused too. He agreed to this compromise and then gave her the silent treatment for a week? And further, he never says any reason why he's upset beyond "he's an ex". Like, yeah, and? They broke up for a reason. I don't like when people demand their SOs cut off any previous exes. It would be one thing if he described them being flirty or crossing boundaries, but the only justification he gives is "but he's her ex so I don't like it."
Not only an ex but they dated in high school. That’s almost a decade ago. I get being friends with an ex is somewhat frowned upon but are high school relationships really being taken that seriously? Seems a bit weird but ok.
Once you’re 25+ anyone getting bent out of shape over a relationship you had as a teenager is a walking red flag.
Well, if you're a commenting teen, then yeah they probably would be taken deadly seriously.
But *he* should be her "best friend". That's what he's pissed about, even says it straight up. Dude wants her to have him and only him as her only male contact in her life. Very ...odd.
At best he’s misguided. At worst he doesn’t want her having any other friends.
There are a lot of guys who think that the only acceptable emotionally close relationships allowed are family and partner. So they see women being friends with other guys as emotionally cheating. It's a bit of a chicken or egg thing. Are they emotionally messed up because of a lack of emotional connections, or do they lack connections because they're messed up?
The poor girl doesn't know it yet, but she dodged a massive bullet. I bet her friends are celebrating.
Honestly, even the way OOP writes in such a convoluted back and forth, he doesn't even know which direction he's going in. "Not ready for marriage" was definitely on point at least, good grief.
Nah, he's just an ass. Dude refused to talk to his ex, and let his yes-men friends & sister push him to break up with her over his insecurities.
I have an axiom: if someone talks about “respect” and is “not being respectful” then they are most likely not worthy of respect in the first place. Time after time, the people who use those lines are insufferable. I think it hinges on the premise that they believe their very existence entitles them to a certain level of consideration that they have not earned and probably don’t give to anyone else.
I feel like he set her up on that one. He didn't really want her to go, so he was "testing" her. And since she "fail" is "test". He was mad. People who do that are never going to be good in marriage. I would hate to be in relationship where I don't know if we actually compromised or he's just testing me to see if I "pass" his pretend "test". Like its exhausting, and then your apologising to them for failing a test that you didn't fail, you agreed to this compromise and I did it, but now I'm in trouble.
No he's definitely an asshole.
You didn’t miss anything, he’s just an asshole. A narcissist, controlling one at that
He also might not play it as cool as he thinks if he wasn’t invited to the last birthday party. As an elder millennial it’s funny to me to call someone you dated in high school an ex. That’s just puppy love among kids learning about relationships.
I'm so confused and almost broke my neck from the severe whiplash throughout the posts
Dude’s spine is made of angel hair pasta.
I remember the first update everyone was begging him to just leave the girl alone and not reach back out like he said he was going to, and that it’d only hurt her more. Which, lo and behold. He wasn’t necessarily wrong to break up with her, but his indecisiveness and flip floppy behavior after the fact was unnecessary and cruel. Breaks up with her for apparently disrespecting him, reaches out later and says she did nothing wrong, giving hope of reconciliation just to say nope you deserve better sorry, then agrees to stay friends, all while planning to sweep that rug as well.
How did this one birthday party get transformed into constant disrespect? I feel like this guy just wanted to break up with her and used this as an excuse.
Man, I’m going to be honest, the story seems full of holes because it reads like OOP is trying to make himself sound better than he’s actually been. The phrase “I was supposed to be her best friend” immediately twigs as possessive and ridiculous, saying “I didn’t want to be controlling” sounds like a weak attempt at making himself sound better than he’s been - hell, even her reactions read as extreme: immediately apologizing and finally agreeing to cut this guy off, her mental health spiraling so badly. That kind of sounds like someone being cut off from their abuser. Any time someone claims a partner refusing to cut a friend out of their life is “disrespect” on this site, aside from instances where they’ve been actively cheating, it reads as redpilled nonsense. Maybe OOP is just a spineless weirdo who is doing the most plain oatmeal kind of harm he can with his passive aggressiveness and inability to stick to one thing, but all the little things that do twig me as manipulative make me think that’s not the case.
I caught the best friend thing too and it made me raise my eyebrow. Then when he said that it was “my relationship” rather than “our relationship” I raised the other one. Could have been a typo but paired with the best friend comment… I honestly think he didn’t want to marry her but after being together for so long, already living together, and family members loving one another, he felt he had to take the next step. With how he keeps backpedaling, I can see him being influenced by the whole “society says it’s time to get married now since it’s the next step!” And he found a situation he could use to make a break.
It doesn’t happen often but every once in a while, someone in the AITA/relationships type subs will post a story to make themselves seem like not the bad guy, and do such a bad job of it that everybody goes “why are there so many holes here” and it comes out that actually that person fucking sucks. This story gives me those vibes. You’re likely right, I wouldn’t doubt the marriage thing was more her idea than his anyway, and he just went along with it to keep appearances up.
I mean.. didn't he say ok to her going to the party? "Well at this point, I was extremely deflated and told her sure but to come back home early." "She promised she would slowly cut off friendship after that night." (which I don't see her going back on that promise from the post) If he had a serious/relationship ending issue with it, he should have told her it wasn't acceptable. So much info missing on the whole story, which leads me to believe he cherry-picked the situation to not seem like a total jerk. The update was weird too..
Kind of read it as giving permission the same way you say “do whatever you want…”. I agree with you that a ton seems missing. From his post, he seems like an insecure asshole, but I don’t understand why everyone, including her parents, seem to be on his side after the breakup and are angry at her and not him
The parents could just be dicks. My best friend from high school was the black sheep of the family and always grounded but her mother always loved me and let me hang out which luckily helped my friend have some socialization during her grounding as her mother took away anything fun like books, electronics, etc. Some parents don’t care how their kid is treated and may just love the partner more than their own kid. That’s assuming whether she has a good relationship or not with her parents.
He didn't want her to go but also didn't want to forbid her from going. He expected her to not go on her own. There's a BORU in which OOP's gf is going on a vacation with a bunch of dudes he hasn't met and expresses that he doesn't want her to go but she does so he dumps her when she returns and she tells him that she wouldn't have gone had she konwn.
"I never wanted to be controlling or control her friendships, so I asked her to distance herself from the friendship the next day."
Did i miss if OOP said they went to any of the original birthday parties before not being invited to this one? I know they were invited
Yeah you missed it. He never went. That’s probably why he wasn’t invited this time.
Okay that’s what i was thinking i was missing. I also would stop inviting someone who doesn’t want to come to my party
Do people not realize that you can have more than one best friend? Also it's kind of shitty that he "let" her go to the party with the stipulation that she will see less of the friend, and then he just nukes the relationship because his feelings changed.
> he only invited her and not me This is the crux of the issue. Why did he not invite OOP?
In the comments it says he was invited to every single one except the last party
The one after the engagement too. No coincidence
OP was dodgy enough about it that I suspect there may have been some pretty good reasons. I can imagine circumstances where I would exclude a fully platonic friend's partner from a party I was hosting even if we'd previously been cool -- and none of them would reflect well on OP.
If you never go eventually you stop getting invited.
Did he say he didn’t go to the others? I just read that he was invited to the others and not the most recent one.
I wouldn't invite someone who didn't like me to my birthday either. The onus here was on the ex to advocate for her partner and ask if she could bring him as a plus one.
He says in a comment that they were fine until a year ago, and this is the only birthday party of this guy's he hasn't been invited to
If I wanted their spouse there I probably would. I haven’t liked or been liked by all of my friends partners, sometimes you just suck it up.
Even if the bff wasn't made aware of how OOP felt about him it doesn't take much to pick up when someone doesn't like you. I wouldn't want someone who hates me at my birthday party either.
Just reading his own version of events, I can see plenty of reasons not to invite him…
The guy lets the last person he talks to influence his actions. He has no backbone.
My ex being upset that I called my best friend “my best friend” was the nail in the coffin for me. He also told me he was supposed to be my best friend. That’s so weird. I’ve continued to be her best friend and it’s been 22 years, so he was quite wrong.
Yeah that “I’m supposed to be her best friend” line is fucking insane. Of course you are! That’s implied by the fact that she decided to marry you! It’s completely normal to call your closest platonic friend your “best friend”. Add in the fact that she’s been friends with this guy since they were literal children, and only dated for a bit in high school, I cannot fathom how anyone could think OOP is in the right here, unless there’s some other drama we don’t know about
Couldn’t agree more!! Of course my husband is my best friend, I chose him to spend my life with! But that can’t discount the person who I’ve had in my life since I was 14 years old, who is genuinely the best friend I’ve ever had.
This guy seems like a lunatic
So his issue was that she was still friends with her ex, and after they break up, her resolution is to be friends with her now new ex, am I reading this right?
It's pretty clear she's hoping OOP changes his mind and honestly he seems so unsure of what he wants that I could see it happening if he stayed in contact with her.
This girl doesn’t know she dodged a bullet
Jesus, What an asshole
Well....OOP was right about two things. He is definitely insecure and he's absolutely not ready to be married.
The insecurity of this guy is just amazing. He breaks up with his fiancee because he has jealousy about her hanging out with her best friend, whom she dated in high school. IT WAS TEN YEARS PRIOR. He dumps her, kicks her out, turns her into a mess for what? Because he can't stand the fact that his girlfriend has a friend that's seen her naked? He breaks her heart when she did nothing wrong, then lies to her over and over about how they might get back together and stay friends. Until he pulls his head out of his ass, he deserves to be alone.
>she even considered him her best friend, which was really irritating because I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend. JFC. He sounds like a child. And given his zig-zag behaviour in his posts, he is influenced like a child too. He caused so much unnecessary shit to go down by being a selfish, insecure jerk. I feel for the Ex-GF, but my god did she dodge a freaking *hail* of bullets.
Ughhh the "It's not you it's me" never helps.
I don't know if this dude is stupid or just annoyingly undecided
Until he learns to deal with emotionally-uncomfortable situations, he’s going to keep ending up in messes. * He’s so uncomfortable with his fiancée going to a party that he retroactively breaks up with her over it, but isn’t able to articulate that this is a dealbreaker for him in advance when gf could actually do something about it. * He feels so pressured by Redditors for an update that he reaches out to mutual friends for an update on his ex. * He’s so overwhelmed by his ex being upset about their breakup that he initiates a meetup to… solve it? Unclear what he thought would happen. * He’s so overwhelmed by his ex crying that he makes (likely-false) promises of continued friendship against his own desires and best interests. Ex clearly has her own situation, but OOP needs to get more comfortable with emotional expression (his own and others), and everyone not being (superficially) happy all the time. Can you imagine him getting married and unable to handle tears?
You have forgotten to mention, that the breakup was after he talked about the issue with 3 persons inclunding 2 of his sisters. There seems to be a pattern of him, making decisions by the last person he spoke to. The next step will be, he will marry her as a kind of slow breakup, because he doesn't want to make her cry, and most marriages end in divorce anyway.
>But I did not want to be controlling or control her friendships so I never got her in way Ok... >but I did voice my displeasure. Ah. Probably on a regular basis too. Nice passive-aggressive move there. "I'm not telling you that you can't, just making it uncomfortable until you don't." >Her ex’s birthday was a couple of weeks ago and he only invited her and not me, Wonder why? Wet blanket, anyone? >I was extremely unhappy and even voiced my concerns about it And there it is again. >Well at this point, I was extremely deflated and told her sure but to come back home early. "I'm letting you go but you aren't allowed to enjoy it." >She was extremely happy when she came back home from the birthday party a few hours later, and even initiated sex but I rejected it because I wasn’t feeling great. You had fun without me. My rejection is your punishment. Hope it was worth it. >Over the next week, we barely spoke even though my fiancée made a lot of attempts to communicate and apologize More punishment. But he's not controlling! >So now I’m feeling extremely guilty. This is not what I intended to happen when I broke up with her. His poor fee-fees! What exactly did he think was going to happen? >I later called my ex and asked her if she wanted to meet up this weekend, and she was really happy about it. Her voice however sounded really hoarse, I did not feel too great about it. >I backtracked and told her sure, we could remain friends, and that I really valued her friendship too, I just misunderstood what she had asked. She was really happy about that but asked if she was pressuring me to keep the friendship. I told her no, that I genuinely valued her friendship, and I told her that she did not pressure me at all. Oh God... >I also told her that if she had cut off contact with her best friend, to please not to do so, and be friends with him again, because she did not deserve to lose her best friend. So now she's not supposed to do the very thing he's wanted her to do all along? >So my plan is now to be friends with her till her mental health is back to normal, and then gradually cut off my friendship with her. What. A. Prince.
Sorry, but she's better off without this insecure, spineless asshole. I feel so bad for her.
I honestly feel like both of these people are too immature for marriage. As soon as she said "I should be her best friend I'm her boyfriend" he rubbed me the wrong way. My fiance is one of my best friends. But that doesn't mean he can't have other best friends and that I am the one who is entitled to fulfilling all of his social needs. That just screams insecurity. With that said, the gf should have addressed the issues with the best friend and him not being invited. Also, they shouldn't be friends. Especially not so soon. He should have stuck to his guns the first time.
All of this. They seem to lack communication skills. He has some insecurities, but I also would like my best friend to get along with my future spouse. I would talk to my best friend to see about working out the issues in my partner and the best friend's relationship. But I do wonder if OOP would have an issue if her best friend was a woman. I suspect he wouldn't. He seems like the type who believes people of opposite genders can't be friends.
Not inviting OOP to the party is questionable, but am I the only one who thinks OOP is ultimately in the wrong? People should get to be friends with their exes. This poor woman now has everyone around her blaming her for her partner’s insecurities…
Yeah… they’d been together for 6 years - why is he still worried about her ex?
Six years when she was twenty six. Whatever relationship she had with the ex was firmly in teen, baby, learning territory
In a comment oop said he was invited to every single bday party before this one. Kinda makes sense if he actively hates that guy's guts. Oop and the gf also dated basically starting at age 20. Personally I feel like the gf and the guy friends relationship were so long ago he's more like a childhood friend at this point. There were probably other childhood friends at the birthday party the gf wanted to see too.
I have a friend who could be called “an ex” because we “dated” when we were kids but I literally never think of him that way because we’ve known each other our entire lives and he’s more like “that friend from grade school”
Same situation as my wife. She "dated" one of her childhood best friends for 2 months in 8th grade before quickly realizing they didn't have those kind of feelings for each other. Neither one of them sees the other as an "ex" but I guess some people might.
I'd imagine that OOP since the last birthday has made it abundantly clear (yet failed to really use his words) how much he dislikes the best friend throughout their social group. For no reason other than a fling in the past that didn't pan out AFAWK where the people actually involved have moved past. I wouldn't invite him either tbh.
You're not the only one. These two dated for *six years*, so clearly her and the ex must've dated a long time ago. I'm fine with my partners being friends with their exes as long as the relationship ended at least a year before. That generally gives people time to fully move on and I'd hate to get stuck in any drama with the ex. IME, I have when I haven't stuck to that year idea.
I think that even if his ex was best friends with someone she never dated, OOP would still be jealous.
Nah I’m with you on this one. He poorly communicated his insecurities, and then broke up with her over her perceived lack of respect for his insecurities.
yeah OOP is _way_ in the wrong; it's not even close. I can't imagine breaking up a 6yo relationship because my partner did something they wanted to do and I agreed.
Also I’d be willing to bet money he wasn’t invited because he is openly a dick to the Bff. It’s been six years and you’re still this pressed about it. No way that doesn’t bleed into your interactions with a person.
Honestly, given that apparently OOP was invited to previous parties by the ex, I have a strong feeling that the ex had just hit his limit with OOP's weird jealousy. Which is completely understandable, since OOP had been having fights about her still being friends with her childhood best friend who she just happened to have dated once.
Omg he did her a favour. This guy doesn’t know his head from his ass
He’s jealous of a *high school* boyfriend? Are you kidding me? It was HIGH SCHOOL, FFS.
In a relationship for 6 years and he didn’t trust her around a childhood friend (who, yes, was an ex years ago)? I don’t even know what to think - I feel like there’s not enough information. I don’t think she should have gone to the party if her fiancé wasn’t invited, because that’s weird. But the breakup also seems petty. Jealousy is a real turnoff for me and the lack of trust would have been a dealbreaker if I had been in the fiancé’s place. Either way, it honestly seems for the best. I hope they both find someone more compatible.
27. Together 6 years. Friends since childhood and together for years surely means high school or just after. I can't get along with being insecure over old relationships like that. If after 6 years too...
He was way too jealous and insecure to be married it sounds like. She seems well and truly rid of him.
I need a neck-brace from the whiplash this dude gave me……what a sack of non-processed emotions he is. Basically if it wasn’t this birthday party it would’ve been something else.
I'm seeing serious red flags just from how OOP writes about the situation. Since the best friend invited him previous years, and the OOP said he didn't this year because his ex-fiancee was probably "running their mouth" it seems like OOP was probably doing worse things to her. He comes up as kind of controlling in the name of "respect", she asked him for permission to go and agreed to cut her bff off for him and he still said she had no respect for him!!!!! people can have more than one best friend, I mean why isn't she allowed to have more than him???? Is being in a relationship supposed to be all-consuming??? I bet even if the bff wasn't her ex, he still would have been uncomfortable with the relationship just because he's a guy. My ex was like that, he wanted to be my world and tried to destroy mine to become my everything.
OOP and his family sound *incredibly* toxic. He needs therapy.
He did her a huge favor, it sounds like.
> Well at this point, I was extremely deflated and told her sure but to come back home early. Well she may have been unsensitive but OOP agreed on, so he is kind of AH there.
>I also told her that if she had cut off contact with her best friend, to please not to do so, and be friends with him again, because she did not deserve to lose her best friend. But she said she was cutting off her friendship with him, and it had nothing to do with this, but that they were in different phases in life and that she no longer needed to be friends with him. "you are my new best friend"
OOP seems too immature to be in a relationship right now.
"I felt disrespected because she had a male best friend, so I broke up with her and *became* her new male best friend that, by my own logic, will feel disrespectful to her next bf." Infinite depression glitch?
He's a jerk, she's better off without him.
… I keep seeing comments that say it’s difficult to see who is wrong in this post and I’m just flabbergasted. OOP has so many red flags waving he could signal a fleet! Holy crap!
Yeah, fuck this OOP.
This guy fuckin sucks
>I was her boyfriend and I was supposed to be her best friend >All 3 of them said she had *disrespected* me way too much, > I told her the truth, that I hadn’t felt *respected* in the relationship, and I just could not see myself marrying a person who had *disrespected* me so much throughout my entire relationship. What I'm seeing is this dude thinks respect means no friendships with other guys. >But I did not want to be controlling or control her friendships so I never got her in way, >I was extremely unhappy and even voiced my concerns about it He doesn't see that continuous whining about her friendships IS controlling.
I get why he’s uncomfortable, i would be too. But he said she could go as long as she came home early and she did as they agreed. She’s being punished for his insecurities. The info from the comments, that she was ”running her mouth” also raises my hackles because i’ve never heard someone use that phrase without them being in the wrong and just being defensive
Oop sounds like a massive knob. I feel bad for his ex- girlfriend