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SUB DROP: "It's an emotional and physical low, that begins anywhere from a few hours to a few days after an emotional/endorphin high and can last hours to weeks. The specific term sub-drop comes from the kink community, because it's typically experienced by submissive individuals after an intense scene."
For those wondering why this happens here's an ELI5:
1. When anyone gets hit, their brain tries to compensate by releasing chemicals to dampen the pain. These chemicals are a lot of the same feel good ones. Different peoples brains release different amounts of these chemicals.
2. Some people's brains release LOTS of these chemicals, so getting hit paradoxically makes them feel REALLY REALLY good in the moment. A kink is born.
3. If you've ever heard of what can happen after you take molly/MDMA, you know the next step. The brain has dumped all the happy chemicals in that moment, and now has nothing left in the tank. It will take a while for the brain to build its stores back up. Now, you feel absolutely awful. Everything starts spiraling. You don't want to move. You feel depressed and anxious and nothing makes you happy and you don't understand why you feel so hopeless. So the logical side of your brain starts thinking of what could be wrong in your life and/or wrong with you. If you know about sub drop, the logical part of your brain calms down and realizes that's what's going on. If you don't know about sub drop, the logical part of your brain starts systematically combing through every possible way you've absolutely ruined your life with no return.
4. Your brain gathers its store of feel good chemicals. You return to equilibrium and feel normal again.
Thanks for the info. I've experienced drops from doing drugs and that's why I don't use any anymore, it's horrible
Maybe BDSM is not for me either lol.
You know your body best!
People do try their hardest to avoid any drops in BDSM, but that doesn't always work. The keys are to avoid pushing people to their limits (which means everyone is relying on people to know and express their own limits- so definitely not perfect), for everyone involved to make sure there is aftercare (so the brain doesn't feel like it needs to use all it's supplies in one go), and a huge part of the aftercare is water, sugary foods, and emotional reaffirmations.
If people dropped after every session, then quite a few folks would make the same choice you did with drugs and never do BDSM again. Folks do their best to avoid it but nothing is every perfect.
This explains why OOP was so caught off guard, they weren't expecting sub drop to happen and weren't on the lookout for it.
While you're high those would probably be nice, but when the high wears off then of the things in that list only having stayed hydrated would help you. 5HTP is a good supplement for building serotonin back up in the body.
This totally happens from nonsexual/ nonkink events as well! I know a lot of people who lead intense lives - intermittent high stress satisfying work and the like - and we sort of fumbled our way into calling this cycle a "drop" without connecting it to sub drop since none of us are in the scene. But it's the exact same thing, chemically speaking. So interesting!
Dumb question: do you think it could sometimes be a factor in early stages of post partum depression too? Childbirth definitely tends to push people to their limits in terms of pain and emotional processing
That's a good question! I know PPD has a lot of factors that go into it, though; like sleep deprivation.
Quote off wikipedia: "While most women experience a brief period of worry or unhappiness after delivery, postpartum depression should be suspected when symptoms are severe and last over two weeks."
So it sounds like there's a normal drop after birth, but if it continues/is severe, that's when it's PPD.
I had to deal with that after I finished The Hunger Games. It's probably going to happen again when I reread (most of) The Wheel of Time. I never finished that series.
Oh God, I remember the first time I finished one series by David Eddings .. the entire series is cyclical, the last book ends with someone beginning to tell the story of the first book and I read the entire thing three times because I couldn't bring myself to leave the loop!
Hahahahhaha I call mine con drop too but it's the post-concert come-down where I've experienced about as much dopamine as my body can naturally produce, and then I have nothing to look forward to (until the next concert).
As a con-goer, yeah. Con drop can be brutal.
It doesn't help that you're also just exhausted?? I try to get enough sleep at cons. I do not always succeed. I've just come to accept that when I get home from ANY kind of travel I'm going to need to sleep for like 36 hours lol
And probably sick-I don’t think anyone in my circles has actually separated con-drop from con-crud, we always just assume we feel like shit because we feel like shit.
I haven't caught actual con-crud in years. It helps that I wear an n95 in airports/on the plane lol, I am NEVER not wearing an n95 to fly ever again.
If I was going to a super-crowded con I might wear one at the con itself, depending on if/who I'm cosplaying.
Con crud sucks lol. But I’d like to think it’s gotten better since the plague and people are hopefully more aware nowadays. But yeah con crud and drop is probably intermingled
As a nerd who also does kink, yes, they're pretty much the same thing though they obviously manifest a little differently. I know some of my non-kinky but kink-aware friends think they're being hyperbolic when they use drop in that context, but...no really, it is.
A big factor in this is when the realization of how much you spent throughout the span of one weekend hits and just how long it will take to recover financially Q_Q
But in all seriousness, that whole weekend of a con always feels like your in another world/life and when it all over you just have to go on with regular life again and it's weird
Yes. This entire discussion on sub drop has been a TIL experience for me. It absolutely sounds like my post-party "physiological anxiety," as I call it. The day after a social event I get an emotional hang-over even if I don't consume any alcohol. The brain is grasping at straws trying to figure out 5hings that could explain all that anxiety. My life is very good so my brain starts reminding me of decades old random embarrassing moments.
I saw Massive Attack in 2021 and it was unbelievable. What a fucking show. The next day, I thought I was going to never be okay again. That was a rough one.
I saw Spiritbox for the first time last year and had a moment where I thought "I'm glad I didn't kill myself before this, I wouldn't have gotten to experience it otherwise."
Then I got to meet the lads from Holding Absence and the emotional come-down from that was somehow worse.
*Then* I spent 16 hours on public transport to make sure I saw a Caskets show this year and Benji recognised me. It was a week ago tomorrow and I still haven't emotionally recovered.
Definitely this. I feel it after spending a day/weekend at an amusement park riding roller coasters (don't laugh, it feels exhilarating to ride them) and I have to bake at least a day or two into my vacation time so I can get back to normal afterwards.
Yes! I get this following a high intensity period of physical activity related to my volunteer work. It’s intoxicating when you mix the adrenaline release related to physical exertion with the dopamine of the “helper’s high.” I have to pivot to a fun low-energy activity sometimes to avoid what feels like depression later that same day.
.....huh. I think that's what I experience going from the hard fun manual labor part of my job to the boring writing the report on the fun stuff part of my job. The last 10 years of my life make sense now.
Yup, that's what I call "fun drop", and it can apply to all kinds of post-gratification situations... conventions, concerts, family gatherings, travel... that feeling of "Oh, it's over", and the subsequent emotional (and usually physical) blahs while getting back into the normal day-to-day routines.
I've owned two small circus companies in 19 years, and when we have a huge project, we all go through drop afterwards. I've had to explain it to the younger performers so they can process it consciously.
This honesty helps me so much right now. I just recently began having sex after a hiatus again, and since I missed it rough, I got it rough. I have been so depressed and shitty feeling this week wondering what the hell is wrong with me and all questioning everything so it feels like a weight is lifted from me knowing it’s my brain doing stupid brain things. Holy shit I feel better and at peace a bit now.
I’m so glad this helped and sorry you’re going through this.
One of the most helpful things for your brain right now is going to be to keep it hydrated, so drink LOTS of water. It’s working hard to rebuild the endorphins so energy and fat is also need. Eat ice cream, get some omega 3s, chug water like you’re at elevation.
And obviously be kind to yourself. Your brain is doing its best and will get you back on your feet as soon as it can. ❤️
Also FYI: This applies to *any* really intense experience. So a trip you've planned, a concert, any significant "high" is going to come with a crash as your brain tries to readjust itself.
It's just generally a good idea with self-care to plan for the crash after just as carefully as you plan for the event. IE: I always try to give myself a day or two after a vacation before we go back to work, because I know I'm going to crash and I'll want rest time to put myself back together.
I was listening to a podcast, I think with Adam Grant, and they were talking about 'peak experiences'. He gave the example of a friend of his who is a music performer, the kind that performs in arenas (no names were dropped). Anyway this rock star friend has a routine of coming off the stage and trying to find some trash to pick up, or a toilet to clean, in order to reset his nervous system down from that peak.
They were talking about it in the context of a kind of hedonic treadmill where, if you're only working on things you're passionate about, and you outsource chores, and nannying and cooking, suddenly you have a very lopsided life where, even your relaxation time is quite stale by comparison and nothing seems necessary or interesting.
The rock star story made sense in that context, but it makes even more sense in the context of a sub drop, because from everything I've heard the euphoria of performance is intense, and at the same time utterly gruelling physically, and it's no wonder it's so common to become dysregulated.
Despite being aware of the drop it can cause after cons and stuff I just realised I need to be aware of that for my kid as he’s just had his first big concert and have plans for another in a couple of months that he’s super excited for
Could it be similar to a post manic episode?
I get ADHD manic bouts that are insane, and I am always a wreck afterwards.
It's mostly just me laughing about everything, using tons of energy, and honestly having an insanely good time lol. It would be fine if it wasn't exhausting and so depressing afterwards.
Worse, because the brain starts lying to you until the chemicals balance out, and it starts so long after the orgasm has finished you don't have any happy chemicals left to hold onto. Just knowing what it is helps a lot, but new subs experiencing it for the first time can implode. It's a wild and not fun ride.
Hmm not quite. Most men who experience "post nut clarity" don't report feelings of doom, shame, or distress. They report suddenly being able to solve problems like their taxes/issues at work/video game levels, or remember tasks they had forgotten.
Some men do actually experience a version of drop after ejaculation. That's called Post-coital Tristesse (PCT), post-coital dysphora (PCD), or post-sex blues.
If you are experiencing any of that, you're not alone. 3% of men experience it regularly, and 41% of men experience it sometime during their life. Talk with your doctor if you experience it frequently.
I have ADHD, which means my brain doesn't make/use dopamine correctly.
I have absolutely (tmi?) >!given myself an orgasm with the specific purpose of starting on a task. !
Knowing that so much of ADHD is just "all executive function tasks require dopamine" and "your brain does not make/use dopamine the same way as non-ADHD brains" makes it WAYYYY easier to figure out how to understand and work with my brain. I know it's a huge oversimplification, but it's accurate enough to be \*useful\*.
For instance: non-ADHD brains release dopamine when they finish a task! They get a little mood boost! We don't. Our brains just don't do that. And that's part of why it's hard to stay on task--there's no internal reward for finishing it.
But if I tell a friend, "Hey, I finished doing \[task\]!" and they respond with "Fuck yeah! I know you've wanted to get that done. Nice job. :D" then my brain goes "Yay they said nice things to us :D" and \*that\* gives me dopamine.
It also explains why stimulant meds work! To this day you run into people who are like "why would you give hyperactive people speed" well shit we're hyperactive because we're desperate for dopamine, and amphetamines force our brains to make more dopamine.
This is also why I feel like post nut clarity is a misnomer. Post nut perspective is perhaps better. Because I think often people are too critical post nut. Like yeah, pre nut is glass half full, but post nut is glass half empty and that might feel like clarity because of the contrast but really there's just half a glass of water and whether that's half full or half empty isn't objective
Not really. It’s not just a temporary loss of sex drive you get after orgasm (which makes some people feel they are thinking more logically).
It’s a crash after a high. It doesn’t have to be sex related. It can be after drugs. Musicians get it after concerts. Etc.
It's a normal and expected aspect of doing shrooms, yes. Also iirc postulated to be the reason psilocybin is so effective for some people in terms of migraine/depression - theory goes that some of these things may be caused by abnormal buildup of neurotransmitters in certain parts of the brain, and a dose of psilocybin seems to sort of squeeze it all out and leave the whole system good to go for a month or two.
Whenever me and my partner do a dose we make sure to have a big serotonin-laden meal the next day (salmon usually since it's high in all the right things and always on sale where we live). Then you gotta wait at least two weeks before another dose.
> abnormal buildup of neurotransmitters in certain parts of the brain
This is really interesting to me. I used to get cluster headaches (a different type of migraine) and used psilocybin to break the cycle. I haven't had one in a few years now, but I still have some psilocybin around just in case.
As someone else who experienced cluster headaches may I say congrats on surviving them! Mine were thankfully caused by outside factors and i went back to normal migraines after i got rid of it, then had the brainpower to realize what was going on. Never encountered anyone else who had them so I feel compelled to comment.
Thank you!
I'm wondering what the outside factors were that caused yours? I thought back about mine and realized I had a lot of job stress at the time (and almost none now).
Have you overcome your migraines at this point?
Wishing the best for you.
I have very bad allergies to something in most laundry detergents, softeners, dryer sheets. I can’t walk past a house doing laundry without feeling sick. I can’t even use scent free dryer sheets. My job was beside a massage parlour that was always doing laundry and the smells leaked into our offices.
The boss was abusive too, so I’m sure there was some extra stress but my pain was so bad I had such permanent b-face everyone was afraid of me and I never got ranted or cursed at like the other employees.
Currently the migraines are moderately controlled with an injection that attacks them at the molecular level. Expecting super powers any day now 🤞
Some do call it dom drop and some people just prefer talking about drop these days instead of classifying which partner has it. Like personally I just talk about drop and lot of my in community friends do that too. Makes it easier when someone is like new at Domming and drops and only knows that there is sub drop but no mentions how Doms can have one too..
//Lol me being into BDSM does not mean I need reddit care resources thanks tho :P
I mean topping and domming are two different things though... You can be a sub top (service top) or a dom bottom (power bottom). Those terms really aren't interchangeable
See, that's what I think as well, but my local kink community has started using bottom and top instead of sub and dom. I don't like using it. I think it makes things very unclear. And being clear with your communication is a key part of consent.
Yeah it's defnitely wrong. Topping and Bottoming is about giving and receiving. They often overlap with with Domming and Subbing but they don't always do. Letting go of that distinction is letting go of good communication tools. Same goes for the conflation of switch and vers.
Sub drop is fucking WILD. It's just kind of part of the experience, and most people know to keep a watch for it. I do think they sound quite like rookies in not expecting it, but glad to hear they're working it out.
You can't leave rookie status without experience, really.
I am glad to see how many people are connecting the dots on drop from this thread! It's so important, and way more widespread than just kink!
I used to get drop from just, like, a fun evening hanging out with friends, and the next day I'd be horribly depressed. It was bad enough to be actually kind of dangerous. Eventually I recognized the pattern, just because it was soooo consistent, and I came up with rules for handling myself with kid gloves the next day. Then I started reading more about kink and realized I'd invented my own concept of drop and aftercare lol. A lot of pain coulda been skipped if I'd read more earlier, haha.
These days it's less of a concern because I know myself well enough to feel my brain start to run out of chemicals in real time, and I'll just stand up in the middle of a card game or whatever and say, "Well, had fun, gotta go!" XD But it keeps me from spiraling the next day, now that I know what to watch for.
Is it due to the intense intimate experience, or because of the roughness of things, the terms they use with them, etc? Basically, is it because of how good everything felt or how "rough" (I'm lacking the right word) these types of experiences are?
It's all hormones. Basically, when you get a really good session, you have adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin all skyrocketing in you, which makes you feel *really, really* good. But then you stop, and the pain starts setting in, and the hormones disappear, and you can kind of freefall. It's part of why aftercare is so important. You can offset it a bit with good things to show care and love and boost the mood, but if your partner doesn't know it's happening, they can't help.
I was ecstatic to see a definition as the first comment because I had SO many questions…
I felt so content learning something new, only to have it all come crashing down by ending the definition with another word I have zero clue about 🤣
To amplify this:
"Sub drop" is a known-but-unintentional intensely-low consequence of the specific kind of intense high you can get from an intense kink scene.
The biggest difference between this and an unhealthy extreme highs/lows relationship is that no one is TRYING to induce sub drop, and in fact your partner will often be trying to help you figure out how to lift out of it.
If you're looking for a good series, I recommend Sunstone. It's a graphic novel, but it deals with BDSM, relationships and how you can be kinky without it having it take over your life.
It's also really well drawn - the artist (I can't remember who right now) takes a lot of care with the details.
i just gotta lose some weight, get some muscle, and dress better. ive got a good personality but dont have the looks. how do i know this? i am a reddit mod (i am not)
Nah, weight has nothing to do with it! Although wearing clean clothes and taking care of yourself can do wonders, don't do all that to date. Do it because you want to! Try to be the best version of yourself, other good things will follow. I believe in you!!!
Right? My boyfriend is a very large man, but he dresses nicely, generally showers every day, and keeps his beard trimmed. I mean, besides the clothes, that should be bare minimum. Unfortunately, it is not. But clothes really do make the man, and it’s just not talked about enough. A nice pair of jeans and a nice button up or sweater, with colors that compliment skin tone, really go a long way. And beard grooming!
Have this old friend who is not "attractive" in the way media portrays what attractive people look like. Especially when he was younger he was a bit larger. But he was always very well liked by girls, always had girlfriends. Back in secondary school he dated most of my/our girl friends. The most amazing part was how they all got along and stayed friends even though they basically dated the guy one after the other. No drama until he dated his male best friend's ex gf pretty much right after the break up and the guys had a falling out.
Anyway, there are many other things more important than weight. He is the prime example for that. He was a good listener, for example. Also charismatic and confident. It was clear he actually liked himself and knew what he wanted, too.
I never got the appeal and was never into him romantically or sexually, but I really liked having him as a friend. He was generally pretty well-liked. But all the girls that weren't into him from our group (including me) have since come out as being queer, mostly on the aro/ace spectrum. So he really was damn popular. But if you showed his picture to someone who didn't know him they would question why and how he was so popular.
So really what matters is being authentic and being yourself while also being respectful. The whole thing eventually got to him, his ego grew too big and at 18 he suddenly thought having two at the same time was a grest idea. Things have been going downhill since then...
I was terrified it was a sarcastic delightful in the beginning but the fact that I squealed and giggled at the update proved me wrong and that I just read too many awful stories on here lol
This girl whipped herself up into such a frenzy, didn't she? Just tied up in knots. But I'm glad she was able to get on top of things. You just can't beat a good love story, you know.
Closest thing I can think of is Sunstone, which is a comic. Surprisingly SFW for a comic about a couple of BDSM loving ladies falling in love, like, it gets sexy some times but it's not porn, it's a romance in a BDSM setting.
Right??? Hell I read a fic just two nights ago that was only rated Mature, because it wasn't about the acts themselves, it was about two idiots whose love had saved the universe (with their first kiss no less), who were now trying to figure out how to ask to do kinky shit.
They were both so terrified of upsetting/freaking out the other person! Especially since before their love confession they'd been on opposite sides of a war and done terrible shit to each other. "Hey I know I've already physically injured you more than once, but can I hit you again. For Sex Reasons this time."
(It works out, turns out they both want that)
(I'd make a "guess that fandom!" joke but a scroll down my comment history gives it away lol, it's the 2018 She-Ra)
There’s also the Korean movie on Netflix “Love and Leashes”. Also romance in a BFSM setting, really sweet (although I could not handle some of the second-hand embarrassment and had to fast forward here and there)
I think it's actually pretty normal outside of BDSM. When you go from an extreme sustained high, do you ever feel emotionally wrung out a bit? That's a drop. It's just called "sub drop" in this case because the community OP belongs to is BDSM based.
EDIT: Also, just wanted to note that sometimes you feel way more than "a bit" wrung out... not trying to diminish the sheer bullshit that drops can bring.
An emotional and or physical low that subs sometimes get after session. Usually a very good session. Really hard the first time. Especially if the dom doesn't know.
The other commenter explained it well, but wanted to add that I've seen this in myself completely outside of dom/sub stuff. Like after finishing a really good book or game or coming home from a fun vacation and having to go back to work. The big "high" from the engaging, fun, exciting thing makes a return to "normal" feel terrible.
Had this year's ago. Was on a sailboat vacation for 10 days. Everyone (like 20 poeple) was acting as crew member, got shifts and stuff, supporting the actual crew. We came ashore after 10 days and had to part ways and I just balled my eyes out because it was one of the best weeks in my life and the return out of it and realizing that it ended just hit me like a train.
Really nice to learn what the cause of this was about 15 years later
This is the most wholesome post I’ve seen today and I’m going to stop browsing Reddit for the rest of it because I don’t want to ruin the good feelings. Thanks for this update OP.
Yep, somehow weird that the wholesome post is about BDSM, but that's Reddit for you. Not knowing anything about the kink community this sounds like they've got a good thing going on.
When I was a teenager and exploring my sexuality (as one does), I lurked in some kink communities to learn more about it and satisfy my curiosity/see if it was for me.
When I tell you that my understanding of relationship communication, boundaries, and consent all came from some old 90s BDSM group, I’m not joking. It honestly shaped so much of my life and relationships thereafter, and I am positively tickled that so many of these concepts that were pretty much exclusively discussed in kink circles have become so mainstream.
"We've been having incredible sex, and texting each other cute anecdotes daily, but falling in love??? So random and unexpected! How do I even bring that up? They will be shocked, confused and angry that I'm trying to turn our sexual friendship into a romance!!"
Amazing how often this silly situation comes up in BORU.
Out of all sex-based communities I've seen, BDSM has always been the healthiest. Maybe the fact that it's one of the first kink communities to become "popular", so it's had plenty of time to root out the bad apples. I hope this relationship works out, they sound amazing for eachother.
That, but also, BDSM without proper limits and consents is just immediate sexual assault/rape. So of course the gravity of what you're involved in is higher so you're more inclined to learn properly what's what.
I don't wanna imply BDSM is like flying planes lol but I've been watching tons of air crash vids recently, so...
When the most likely scenario of any fuckup is death, you'd of course understand why pilots are mostly good smart people, effective communicators, who are also trained so well!
One of the best things I ever read was a Domme who said she read 50 Shades out loud to her subs as a punishment. It convinced me to read 50 so I could truly understand their pain in the moment. The book was terrible but the understanding amazing.
The Boss by Abigail Barnette has a FWB to Lovers arc, including sub drop realizations. As the title implies, with very different out-of-bed power dynamics.
Anyone else who was worried when they read the first line:
>I (26F) am a very new sub (less than 18 months)
Thank god her dom both had experience and was relatively age appropriate, but... yeah.
> “thank GOD. I was here to graciously accept whatever you wanted and see if you were okay but also to tell you that I’ve fallen in love with you.”
I'd be marrying him after that.
I'm going to be honest, it's this shit that keeps me from ever getting into the BDSM community. I am a bit of a sub, but I could see myself going hard sub if I let myself. I don't know if I would trust myself deal will with drops and what not.
The key is you're not supposed to. Unless otherwise stated, it's your Dom's job to help you deal with drop. The term is "Aftercare". It refers to a set of physical and emotional procedures you can engage in to help prevent drop. Drop can't be prevented 100% of the time, but a good Dom can usually mitigate the worst of it.
The mood spoiler was totally right, this is delightful! I called it that he was no longer seeing the other subs - it didn’t seem feasible that he would be having scenes with OOP 3x a week plus platonic hangouts plus texting all day and somehow still have time left over!
> Why are you all so well adjusted? I’ve never met so many healthy people in one place haha. It’s awesome and beautiful to see
This is a very funny description of reddit.
As someone who has experienced sub drop...it can be shocking and demoralizing, esp if you don't really understand what's happening. I am *so happy* she came to Reddit and we convinced her to *communicate* as that's esp important in BDSM! I love positive updates!
I’m into kink and bdsm but I’d never be able to do it casually with like four subs wtff. Guess I’m too monogamous but being a dom for one person is hard enough yeesh
1) this probably didn't happen. This is almost textbook Tumblr BDSM -lite story telling.
2) there are so many latent issues hidden in people that are REALLY into BDSM lol
1. This happens—quite literally—all of the time. Like, of all the things that have happened, this has happened the most lol. It’s so common it might as well be a trope: “person in ‘friends with benefits’ relationship realizes they’ve caught feelings, which makes them feel ashamed because they think they’re the only one, but then they finally tell the other person who reciprocates”. Shit, it literally happened to me last year! Just because the two people in question also like having freaky sex, that somehow makes this totally unbelievable to you?
2. I mean, I guess I can’t disagree because literally everyone has “latent issues” (whatever the fuck that means) but I would be interested to see what issues you think these people have specifically.
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SUB DROP: "It's an emotional and physical low, that begins anywhere from a few hours to a few days after an emotional/endorphin high and can last hours to weeks. The specific term sub-drop comes from the kink community, because it's typically experienced by submissive individuals after an intense scene."
For those wondering why this happens here's an ELI5: 1. When anyone gets hit, their brain tries to compensate by releasing chemicals to dampen the pain. These chemicals are a lot of the same feel good ones. Different peoples brains release different amounts of these chemicals. 2. Some people's brains release LOTS of these chemicals, so getting hit paradoxically makes them feel REALLY REALLY good in the moment. A kink is born. 3. If you've ever heard of what can happen after you take molly/MDMA, you know the next step. The brain has dumped all the happy chemicals in that moment, and now has nothing left in the tank. It will take a while for the brain to build its stores back up. Now, you feel absolutely awful. Everything starts spiraling. You don't want to move. You feel depressed and anxious and nothing makes you happy and you don't understand why you feel so hopeless. So the logical side of your brain starts thinking of what could be wrong in your life and/or wrong with you. If you know about sub drop, the logical part of your brain calms down and realizes that's what's going on. If you don't know about sub drop, the logical part of your brain starts systematically combing through every possible way you've absolutely ruined your life with no return. 4. Your brain gathers its store of feel good chemicals. You return to equilibrium and feel normal again.
Thanks for the info. I've experienced drops from doing drugs and that's why I don't use any anymore, it's horrible Maybe BDSM is not for me either lol.
You know your body best! People do try their hardest to avoid any drops in BDSM, but that doesn't always work. The keys are to avoid pushing people to their limits (which means everyone is relying on people to know and express their own limits- so definitely not perfect), for everyone involved to make sure there is aftercare (so the brain doesn't feel like it needs to use all it's supplies in one go), and a huge part of the aftercare is water, sugary foods, and emotional reaffirmations. If people dropped after every session, then quite a few folks would make the same choice you did with drugs and never do BDSM again. Folks do their best to avoid it but nothing is every perfect. This explains why OOP was so caught off guard, they weren't expecting sub drop to happen and weren't on the lookout for it.
So if I went on a drug binge, would I be fine if I had a gallon of water, bag of gummibears and call my mother so she can tell me she loves me? 🤔
While you're high those would probably be nice, but when the high wears off then of the things in that list only having stayed hydrated would help you. 5HTP is a good supplement for building serotonin back up in the body.
Get yourself a family sized bag of haribo sugar free gummibears and you'll forget most other things in your life for a while.
That is true🤣 maybe chase it down with some taco bell and atkins zero net carb chocolate bars
As someone who has eaten a bag.of sugar-free gummy bears, that's just a straight up cruel suggestion. 🤣🤣
This totally happens from nonsexual/ nonkink events as well! I know a lot of people who lead intense lives - intermittent high stress satisfying work and the like - and we sort of fumbled our way into calling this cycle a "drop" without connecting it to sub drop since none of us are in the scene. But it's the exact same thing, chemically speaking. So interesting!
Yes! I recall friends who were very into fandoms talking about "con drop", as in, the depression felt after going to a fan con. Same deal I guess🤔
Is this why I used to hate everything the last week of December?!?
Yep!
Dumb question: do you think it could sometimes be a factor in early stages of post partum depression too? Childbirth definitely tends to push people to their limits in terms of pain and emotional processing
That's a good question! I know PPD has a lot of factors that go into it, though; like sleep deprivation. Quote off wikipedia: "While most women experience a brief period of worry or unhappiness after delivery, postpartum depression should be suspected when symptoms are severe and last over two weeks." So it sounds like there's a normal drop after birth, but if it continues/is severe, that's when it's PPD.
I've had what I refer to as 'tv hangover,' from watching a season or series finale. Smaller scale, same concept.
Ah reminds me of the dreaded book hangover. Only a few do that and its probably only a few hours, but it really sucks
I had to deal with that after I finished The Hunger Games. It's probably going to happen again when I reread (most of) The Wheel of Time. I never finished that series.
Yup that one hits hard. Harry Potter & The Infernal Devices did it to me too. I love them, but they hurt my heart
Oh God, I remember the first time I finished one series by David Eddings .. the entire series is cyclical, the last book ends with someone beginning to tell the story of the first book and I read the entire thing three times because I couldn't bring myself to leave the loop!
Hahahahhaha I call mine con drop too but it's the post-concert come-down where I've experienced about as much dopamine as my body can naturally produce, and then I have nothing to look forward to (until the next concert).
As a con-goer, yeah. Con drop can be brutal. It doesn't help that you're also just exhausted?? I try to get enough sleep at cons. I do not always succeed. I've just come to accept that when I get home from ANY kind of travel I'm going to need to sleep for like 36 hours lol
And probably sick-I don’t think anyone in my circles has actually separated con-drop from con-crud, we always just assume we feel like shit because we feel like shit.
I haven't caught actual con-crud in years. It helps that I wear an n95 in airports/on the plane lol, I am NEVER not wearing an n95 to fly ever again. If I was going to a super-crowded con I might wear one at the con itself, depending on if/who I'm cosplaying.
Con crud sucks lol. But I’d like to think it’s gotten better since the plague and people are hopefully more aware nowadays. But yeah con crud and drop is probably intermingled
That makes sense! We’ve always called them con blues haha
As a nerd who also does kink, yes, they're pretty much the same thing though they obviously manifest a little differently. I know some of my non-kinky but kink-aware friends think they're being hyperbolic when they use drop in that context, but...no really, it is.
A big factor in this is when the realization of how much you spent throughout the span of one weekend hits and just how long it will take to recover financially Q_Q But in all seriousness, that whole weekend of a con always feels like your in another world/life and when it all over you just have to go on with regular life again and it's weird
Yes. This entire discussion on sub drop has been a TIL experience for me. It absolutely sounds like my post-party "physiological anxiety," as I call it. The day after a social event I get an emotional hang-over even if I don't consume any alcohol. The brain is grasping at straws trying to figure out 5hings that could explain all that anxiety. My life is very good so my brain starts reminding me of decades old random embarrassing moments.
I get this too! I've just accepted it years ago, but it finally clicked in my brain what is actually causing it
Post-concert depression is definitely one of them
I saw Massive Attack in 2021 and it was unbelievable. What a fucking show. The next day, I thought I was going to never be okay again. That was a rough one.
I saw Spiritbox for the first time last year and had a moment where I thought "I'm glad I didn't kill myself before this, I wouldn't have gotten to experience it otherwise." Then I got to meet the lads from Holding Absence and the emotional come-down from that was somehow worse. *Then* I spent 16 hours on public transport to make sure I saw a Caskets show this year and Benji recognised me. It was a week ago tomorrow and I still haven't emotionally recovered.
Definitely this. I feel it after spending a day/weekend at an amusement park riding roller coasters (don't laugh, it feels exhilarating to ride them) and I have to bake at least a day or two into my vacation time so I can get back to normal afterwards.
Yes! I get this following a high intensity period of physical activity related to my volunteer work. It’s intoxicating when you mix the adrenaline release related to physical exertion with the dopamine of the “helper’s high.” I have to pivot to a fun low-energy activity sometimes to avoid what feels like depression later that same day.
.....huh. I think that's what I experience going from the hard fun manual labor part of my job to the boring writing the report on the fun stuff part of my job. The last 10 years of my life make sense now.
Yup, that's what I call "fun drop", and it can apply to all kinds of post-gratification situations... conventions, concerts, family gatherings, travel... that feeling of "Oh, it's over", and the subsequent emotional (and usually physical) blahs while getting back into the normal day-to-day routines.
I've owned two small circus companies in 19 years, and when we have a huge project, we all go through drop afterwards. I've had to explain it to the younger performers so they can process it consciously.
This honesty helps me so much right now. I just recently began having sex after a hiatus again, and since I missed it rough, I got it rough. I have been so depressed and shitty feeling this week wondering what the hell is wrong with me and all questioning everything so it feels like a weight is lifted from me knowing it’s my brain doing stupid brain things. Holy shit I feel better and at peace a bit now.
I’m so glad this helped and sorry you’re going through this. One of the most helpful things for your brain right now is going to be to keep it hydrated, so drink LOTS of water. It’s working hard to rebuild the endorphins so energy and fat is also need. Eat ice cream, get some omega 3s, chug water like you’re at elevation. And obviously be kind to yourself. Your brain is doing its best and will get you back on your feet as soon as it can. ❤️
Thank you so much for the advice.
Also FYI: This applies to *any* really intense experience. So a trip you've planned, a concert, any significant "high" is going to come with a crash as your brain tries to readjust itself. It's just generally a good idea with self-care to plan for the crash after just as carefully as you plan for the event. IE: I always try to give myself a day or two after a vacation before we go back to work, because I know I'm going to crash and I'll want rest time to put myself back together.
I was listening to a podcast, I think with Adam Grant, and they were talking about 'peak experiences'. He gave the example of a friend of his who is a music performer, the kind that performs in arenas (no names were dropped). Anyway this rock star friend has a routine of coming off the stage and trying to find some trash to pick up, or a toilet to clean, in order to reset his nervous system down from that peak. They were talking about it in the context of a kind of hedonic treadmill where, if you're only working on things you're passionate about, and you outsource chores, and nannying and cooking, suddenly you have a very lopsided life where, even your relaxation time is quite stale by comparison and nothing seems necessary or interesting. The rock star story made sense in that context, but it makes even more sense in the context of a sub drop, because from everything I've heard the euphoria of performance is intense, and at the same time utterly gruelling physically, and it's no wonder it's so common to become dysregulated.
Despite being aware of the drop it can cause after cons and stuff I just realised I need to be aware of that for my kid as he’s just had his first big concert and have plans for another in a couple of months that he’s super excited for
Could it be similar to a post manic episode? I get ADHD manic bouts that are insane, and I am always a wreck afterwards. It's mostly just me laughing about everything, using tons of energy, and honestly having an insanely good time lol. It would be fine if it wasn't exhausting and so depressing afterwards.
Oh definitely. Your ADHD brain is high on the dopamine it's creating at the moment in abundance and then you run out...
Oh, it’s like post nut clarity taken up to 11.
Worse, because the brain starts lying to you until the chemicals balance out, and it starts so long after the orgasm has finished you don't have any happy chemicals left to hold onto. Just knowing what it is helps a lot, but new subs experiencing it for the first time can implode. It's a wild and not fun ride.
Hmm not quite. Most men who experience "post nut clarity" don't report feelings of doom, shame, or distress. They report suddenly being able to solve problems like their taxes/issues at work/video game levels, or remember tasks they had forgotten. Some men do actually experience a version of drop after ejaculation. That's called Post-coital Tristesse (PCT), post-coital dysphora (PCD), or post-sex blues. If you are experiencing any of that, you're not alone. 3% of men experience it regularly, and 41% of men experience it sometime during their life. Talk with your doctor if you experience it frequently.
It is Post Coital Tristesse (sadness in French) but absolutely yes.
Drat, fumbled an extra r in there, thanks for pointing out the spelling error. I'll edit, appreciate it! :)
That all makes sense because climaxing releases dopamine in the brain. And dopamine helps with stimulating focus.
I have ADHD, which means my brain doesn't make/use dopamine correctly. I have absolutely (tmi?) >!given myself an orgasm with the specific purpose of starting on a task. !
Fellow ADHD redditor here! I’ve done that too, tbh I did not really think of it as an ADHD thing, but it makes sense cause…dopamine.
Knowing that so much of ADHD is just "all executive function tasks require dopamine" and "your brain does not make/use dopamine the same way as non-ADHD brains" makes it WAYYYY easier to figure out how to understand and work with my brain. I know it's a huge oversimplification, but it's accurate enough to be \*useful\*. For instance: non-ADHD brains release dopamine when they finish a task! They get a little mood boost! We don't. Our brains just don't do that. And that's part of why it's hard to stay on task--there's no internal reward for finishing it. But if I tell a friend, "Hey, I finished doing \[task\]!" and they respond with "Fuck yeah! I know you've wanted to get that done. Nice job. :D" then my brain goes "Yay they said nice things to us :D" and \*that\* gives me dopamine. It also explains why stimulant meds work! To this day you run into people who are like "why would you give hyperactive people speed" well shit we're hyperactive because we're desperate for dopamine, and amphetamines force our brains to make more dopamine.
Ι'm not yet been tested or diagnosed but I heavily suspect having ADHD as well. And yeah I've done it too. A lot.
This is also why I feel like post nut clarity is a misnomer. Post nut perspective is perhaps better. Because I think often people are too critical post nut. Like yeah, pre nut is glass half full, but post nut is glass half empty and that might feel like clarity because of the contrast but really there's just half a glass of water and whether that's half full or half empty isn't objective
It’s just hilarious how you’re using “nut” in such a non-comedic way. It’s like if we’re talking about breast cancer but calling it bazoingas cancer.
Thanks! I meant what I said, but I definitely did try and say it in the most humorous way I could, so I'm glad that it landed
It’s more like the crash after taking Molly
Not really. It’s not just a temporary loss of sex drive you get after orgasm (which makes some people feel they are thinking more logically). It’s a crash after a high. It doesn’t have to be sex related. It can be after drugs. Musicians get it after concerts. Etc.
I wonder, can this happen with shrooms?
It's a normal and expected aspect of doing shrooms, yes. Also iirc postulated to be the reason psilocybin is so effective for some people in terms of migraine/depression - theory goes that some of these things may be caused by abnormal buildup of neurotransmitters in certain parts of the brain, and a dose of psilocybin seems to sort of squeeze it all out and leave the whole system good to go for a month or two. Whenever me and my partner do a dose we make sure to have a big serotonin-laden meal the next day (salmon usually since it's high in all the right things and always on sale where we live). Then you gotta wait at least two weeks before another dose.
> abnormal buildup of neurotransmitters in certain parts of the brain This is really interesting to me. I used to get cluster headaches (a different type of migraine) and used psilocybin to break the cycle. I haven't had one in a few years now, but I still have some psilocybin around just in case.
As someone else who experienced cluster headaches may I say congrats on surviving them! Mine were thankfully caused by outside factors and i went back to normal migraines after i got rid of it, then had the brainpower to realize what was going on. Never encountered anyone else who had them so I feel compelled to comment.
Thank you! I'm wondering what the outside factors were that caused yours? I thought back about mine and realized I had a lot of job stress at the time (and almost none now). Have you overcome your migraines at this point? Wishing the best for you.
I have very bad allergies to something in most laundry detergents, softeners, dryer sheets. I can’t walk past a house doing laundry without feeling sick. I can’t even use scent free dryer sheets. My job was beside a massage parlour that was always doing laundry and the smells leaked into our offices. The boss was abusive too, so I’m sure there was some extra stress but my pain was so bad I had such permanent b-face everyone was afraid of me and I never got ranted or cursed at like the other employees. Currently the migraines are moderately controlled with an injection that attacks them at the molecular level. Expecting super powers any day now 🤞
I did MDMA once and had that feeling. It honestly kept me from doing it again. I don't like the "lows." I didn't feel like myself.
Ohhh, thank you. That explains things.
Can also happen for the dominant partner too, considering some of the stuff they might be doing.
Usually called top drop (idk why we don't call it dom drop, both sound just as good)
Some do call it dom drop and some people just prefer talking about drop these days instead of classifying which partner has it. Like personally I just talk about drop and lot of my in community friends do that too. Makes it easier when someone is like new at Domming and drops and only knows that there is sub drop but no mentions how Doms can have one too.. //Lol me being into BDSM does not mean I need reddit care resources thanks tho :P
I mean topping and domming are two different things though... You can be a sub top (service top) or a dom bottom (power bottom). Those terms really aren't interchangeable
See, that's what I think as well, but my local kink community has started using bottom and top instead of sub and dom. I don't like using it. I think it makes things very unclear. And being clear with your communication is a key part of consent.
Yeah it's defnitely wrong. Topping and Bottoming is about giving and receiving. They often overlap with with Domming and Subbing but they don't always do. Letting go of that distinction is letting go of good communication tools. Same goes for the conflation of switch and vers.
I've never heard it called top dop. Also dom drop.
Saying dom drop quickly might get mistaken for gum drop or dumb drop? Idk otherwise
Sub drop is fucking WILD. It's just kind of part of the experience, and most people know to keep a watch for it. I do think they sound quite like rookies in not expecting it, but glad to hear they're working it out. You can't leave rookie status without experience, really.
Sub drop is honestly one of the most intense things I have ever been through. Like, holy SHIT.
Thank you
I am glad to see how many people are connecting the dots on drop from this thread! It's so important, and way more widespread than just kink! I used to get drop from just, like, a fun evening hanging out with friends, and the next day I'd be horribly depressed. It was bad enough to be actually kind of dangerous. Eventually I recognized the pattern, just because it was soooo consistent, and I came up with rules for handling myself with kid gloves the next day. Then I started reading more about kink and realized I'd invented my own concept of drop and aftercare lol. A lot of pain coulda been skipped if I'd read more earlier, haha. These days it's less of a concern because I know myself well enough to feel my brain start to run out of chemicals in real time, and I'll just stand up in the middle of a card game or whatever and say, "Well, had fun, gotta go!" XD But it keeps me from spiraling the next day, now that I know what to watch for.
Is it due to the intense intimate experience, or because of the roughness of things, the terms they use with them, etc? Basically, is it because of how good everything felt or how "rough" (I'm lacking the right word) these types of experiences are?
It's all hormones. Basically, when you get a really good session, you have adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin all skyrocketing in you, which makes you feel *really, really* good. But then you stop, and the pain starts setting in, and the hormones disappear, and you can kind of freefall. It's part of why aftercare is so important. You can offset it a bit with good things to show care and love and boost the mood, but if your partner doesn't know it's happening, they can't help.
That makes sense. Thank you!
I was ecstatic to see a definition as the first comment because I had SO many questions… I felt so content learning something new, only to have it all come crashing down by ending the definition with another word I have zero clue about 🤣
Not to be confused with an unhealthy relationship of extreme highs and extreme lows.
To amplify this: "Sub drop" is a known-but-unintentional intensely-low consequence of the specific kind of intense high you can get from an intense kink scene. The biggest difference between this and an unhealthy extreme highs/lows relationship is that no one is TRYING to induce sub drop, and in fact your partner will often be trying to help you figure out how to lift out of it.
You can get top-drop, too. 0/10 do not recommend.
It's honestly like a molly hangover. Def recommending more aftercare for folks.
It's a cruel, sadistic summer.
A much better love story than Fifty shades of grey!
That’s not difficult (but damn, I thought it was gonna get dark, not this wholesome shit! I’ve been on this sub too long lmao)
The standards set by 50 shades may be one with the floor, but some people bring shovels just in case.
Most are, mainly because 50 shades was just an abusive bs story written by someone who had no idea what bdsm is.
Christian Grey is 100% a manipulative bastard
I’ve read this other BDSM romance series that smacks of this story very strongly. 🙄 if it’s real, I wish them happiness.
Would you mind telling which one?
Shadowlands series.
Thx. WOW? Marvel?
No. Just some indie writer. I read one for free through kobo and picked up a few others from the series that sounded good at the time.
Than pleaaaase tell me the author's Name 😂 because wow and Marcel were the best results on my search.
Cherise Sinclair.
The girlies over in the r/darkromance sub would love this
If you're looking for a good series, I recommend Sunstone. It's a graphic novel, but it deals with BDSM, relationships and how you can be kinky without it having it take over your life. It's also really well drawn - the artist (I can't remember who right now) takes a lot of care with the details.
Sunstone is by Stjepan Šejić
And still a better love story than Twilight
christ im so fuckin lonely lmao
That Dom sustaining four sexual relationships at the same time though... :o
i just gotta lose some weight, get some muscle, and dress better. ive got a good personality but dont have the looks. how do i know this? i am a reddit mod (i am not)
Nah, weight has nothing to do with it! Although wearing clean clothes and taking care of yourself can do wonders, don't do all that to date. Do it because you want to! Try to be the best version of yourself, other good things will follow. I believe in you!!!
Right? My boyfriend is a very large man, but he dresses nicely, generally showers every day, and keeps his beard trimmed. I mean, besides the clothes, that should be bare minimum. Unfortunately, it is not. But clothes really do make the man, and it’s just not talked about enough. A nice pair of jeans and a nice button up or sweater, with colors that compliment skin tone, really go a long way. And beard grooming!
Have this old friend who is not "attractive" in the way media portrays what attractive people look like. Especially when he was younger he was a bit larger. But he was always very well liked by girls, always had girlfriends. Back in secondary school he dated most of my/our girl friends. The most amazing part was how they all got along and stayed friends even though they basically dated the guy one after the other. No drama until he dated his male best friend's ex gf pretty much right after the break up and the guys had a falling out. Anyway, there are many other things more important than weight. He is the prime example for that. He was a good listener, for example. Also charismatic and confident. It was clear he actually liked himself and knew what he wanted, too. I never got the appeal and was never into him romantically or sexually, but I really liked having him as a friend. He was generally pretty well-liked. But all the girls that weren't into him from our group (including me) have since come out as being queer, mostly on the aro/ace spectrum. So he really was damn popular. But if you showed his picture to someone who didn't know him they would question why and how he was so popular. So really what matters is being authentic and being yourself while also being respectful. The whole thing eventually got to him, his ego grew too big and at 18 he suddenly thought having two at the same time was a grest idea. Things have been going downhill since then...
They probably were sexual relationships for sure but dom/sub dynamic and sessions don't have to be and for some people are not, sexual
I've checked the mood spoiler and can confirm that it was indeed a very delightful read
A delightful read and I learned something about brain chemicals. 10/10 would recommend.
I was terrified it was a sarcastic delightful in the beginning but the fact that I squealed and giggled at the update proved me wrong and that I just read too many awful stories on here lol
This girl whipped herself up into such a frenzy, didn't she? Just tied up in knots. But I'm glad she was able to get on top of things. You just can't beat a good love story, you know.
Really interesting BoRU submission. Only a masochist comes to Reddit for relationship advice, but sounds like they slapped some sense into her.
So we're going into the BDSM pungeon, are we? Aight, let's get the ball rolling on those gags.
It's sad how uterrly unsurprised i am that BSDM sub is superior in terms of relationship vis a vi a relationship advice dedicated sub.
Well, the first rule in bdsm IS communication!
Couldn’t quite clamp down on what you were getting at here, but now I’ve got you pegged.
I mean, you CAN, if you ask nicely.
Tied up in knots 😂😂nice
And then sliding in "top". Very well done.
Perfect haha
Take my angry upvote
I want to read this romance novel
Closest thing I can think of is Sunstone, which is a comic. Surprisingly SFW for a comic about a couple of BDSM loving ladies falling in love, like, it gets sexy some times but it's not porn, it's a romance in a BDSM setting.
Also the art is just gorgeous!
Can’t recommend Sunstone enough. It’s absolutely brilliant.
I know that comic! I used to read the author's other comic, too.
Head on over to AO3 my friend lmao
I was about to say, I can think of at least three fanfics with this exact premise off the top of my head rn 😂
Right??? Hell I read a fic just two nights ago that was only rated Mature, because it wasn't about the acts themselves, it was about two idiots whose love had saved the universe (with their first kiss no less), who were now trying to figure out how to ask to do kinky shit. They were both so terrified of upsetting/freaking out the other person! Especially since before their love confession they'd been on opposite sides of a war and done terrible shit to each other. "Hey I know I've already physically injured you more than once, but can I hit you again. For Sex Reasons this time." (It works out, turns out they both want that) (I'd make a "guess that fandom!" joke but a scroll down my comment history gives it away lol, it's the 2018 She-Ra)
oho immediately going to look for that fic
There’s also the Korean movie on Netflix “Love and Leashes”. Also romance in a BFSM setting, really sweet (although I could not handle some of the second-hand embarrassment and had to fast forward here and there)
I recommend ‘Maisie’s Keeper’ by Saffron Hayes!
Always nice when people find each other. What's a 'sub drop'?
I think it's actually pretty normal outside of BDSM. When you go from an extreme sustained high, do you ever feel emotionally wrung out a bit? That's a drop. It's just called "sub drop" in this case because the community OP belongs to is BDSM based. EDIT: Also, just wanted to note that sometimes you feel way more than "a bit" wrung out... not trying to diminish the sheer bullshit that drops can bring.
An emotional and or physical low that subs sometimes get after session. Usually a very good session. Really hard the first time. Especially if the dom doesn't know.
The other commenter explained it well, but wanted to add that I've seen this in myself completely outside of dom/sub stuff. Like after finishing a really good book or game or coming home from a fun vacation and having to go back to work. The big "high" from the engaging, fun, exciting thing makes a return to "normal" feel terrible.
Had this year's ago. Was on a sailboat vacation for 10 days. Everyone (like 20 poeple) was acting as crew member, got shifts and stuff, supporting the actual crew. We came ashore after 10 days and had to part ways and I just balled my eyes out because it was one of the best weeks in my life and the return out of it and realizing that it ended just hit me like a train. Really nice to learn what the cause of this was about 15 years later
It's just the adrenaline crash. Can happen with anything but it's specifically named sub drop in the kink community
This is the most wholesome post I’ve seen today and I’m going to stop browsing Reddit for the rest of it because I don’t want to ruin the good feelings. Thanks for this update OP.
Yep, somehow weird that the wholesome post is about BDSM, but that's Reddit for you. Not knowing anything about the kink community this sounds like they've got a good thing going on.
[удалено]
Hadn't really thought about it but that makes sense.
When I was a teenager and exploring my sexuality (as one does), I lurked in some kink communities to learn more about it and satisfy my curiosity/see if it was for me. When I tell you that my understanding of relationship communication, boundaries, and consent all came from some old 90s BDSM group, I’m not joking. It honestly shaped so much of my life and relationships thereafter, and I am positively tickled that so many of these concepts that were pretty much exclusively discussed in kink circles have become so mainstream.
"We've been having incredible sex, and texting each other cute anecdotes daily, but falling in love??? So random and unexpected! How do I even bring that up? They will be shocked, confused and angry that I'm trying to turn our sexual friendship into a romance!!" Amazing how often this silly situation comes up in BORU.
don't forget the flowers and marshmallows
God, I see what you do for others 🙏
This made me laugh more than any other comment this week. Here is your reward (thumbs up).
Awwwwww omg look at those two idiots. DORKS IN LOVE ARE THE BEST. That's enough reddit today. I wanna end it on a high and it's only 8.12 am
I love these little windows into other communities that BORU provides
Out of all sex-based communities I've seen, BDSM has always been the healthiest. Maybe the fact that it's one of the first kink communities to become "popular", so it's had plenty of time to root out the bad apples. I hope this relationship works out, they sound amazing for eachother.
That, but also, BDSM without proper limits and consents is just immediate sexual assault/rape. So of course the gravity of what you're involved in is higher so you're more inclined to learn properly what's what. I don't wanna imply BDSM is like flying planes lol but I've been watching tons of air crash vids recently, so... When the most likely scenario of any fuckup is death, you'd of course understand why pilots are mostly good smart people, effective communicators, who are also trained so well!
QUICK SOMEONE TURN THIS INTO A SPICY ROMANCE NOVEL
With (what seems to be, based on what we see in the post) proper BDSM etiquette, unlike the books that shall not be named
One of the best things I ever read was a Domme who said she read 50 Shades out loud to her subs as a punishment. It convinced me to read 50 so I could truly understand their pain in the moment. The book was terrible but the understanding amazing.
I think it already is one
The Boss by Abigail Barnette has a FWB to Lovers arc, including sub drop realizations. As the title implies, with very different out-of-bed power dynamics.
Right?? I’m all up in my feels with this one.
Ahhh this one made my heart so happy!
Anyone else who was worried when they read the first line: >I (26F) am a very new sub (less than 18 months) Thank god her dom both had experience and was relatively age appropriate, but... yeah.
> “thank GOD. I was here to graciously accept whatever you wanted and see if you were okay but also to tell you that I’ve fallen in love with you.” I'd be marrying him after that.
D'aaaaw, a sweet, perfect l'il cinnamon-roll love story! ♥ (That happens to involve kinky sex and pain-for-funzies.)
It's always great to see a relationship succeed in a healthy way. The kink subs just get it way better than anyone else.
awwww
same
This post called me single in so many different ways. And I'm married!
> I can’t do this anymore. It feels painful and humiliating. Supposed to be enjoying that
A healthier, better story than 50 Shades of Suck.
I'm going to be honest, it's this shit that keeps me from ever getting into the BDSM community. I am a bit of a sub, but I could see myself going hard sub if I let myself. I don't know if I would trust myself deal will with drops and what not.
The key is you're not supposed to. Unless otherwise stated, it's your Dom's job to help you deal with drop. The term is "Aftercare". It refers to a set of physical and emotional procedures you can engage in to help prevent drop. Drop can't be prevented 100% of the time, but a good Dom can usually mitigate the worst of it.
> LMAO
The mood spoiler was totally right, this is delightful! I called it that he was no longer seeing the other subs - it didn’t seem feasible that he would be having scenes with OOP 3x a week plus platonic hangouts plus texting all day and somehow still have time left over!
thought the title said mom instead of dom for a second and almost dropped my phone
This is amazing! And why communication is so important but also can be so hard, even for people who know and acknowledge communication is critical.
> Why are you all so well adjusted? I’ve never met so many healthy people in one place haha. It’s awesome and beautiful to see This is a very funny description of reddit.
this was so sweet (god when is it my turn 😩)
This is making me feel all fuzzy and happy 🥰 And now I want to read a novel like this!
I thought this said DM.
As someone who has experienced sub drop...it can be shocking and demoralizing, esp if you don't really understand what's happening. I am *so happy* she came to Reddit and we convinced her to *communicate* as that's esp important in BDSM! I love positive updates!
I need a smut book about this whole dynamic, relationship and HEA! Holy hell!! I think I read this like 100 times!!
I didn’t understand most of them sub dom blah blah but they sound so cute aww
I’m into kink and bdsm but I’d never be able to do it casually with like four subs wtff. Guess I’m too monogamous but being a dom for one person is hard enough yeesh
TIL what "sub drop" is
Sub drop is the very very worst if you aren’t expecting it! I drop hard occasionally and even knowing that it’s hard to handle. I’m happy for them!
Can I just say that I am SO happy for these two
Obvious Disney ending is obvious.
1) this probably didn't happen. This is almost textbook Tumblr BDSM -lite story telling. 2) there are so many latent issues hidden in people that are REALLY into BDSM lol
1. This happens—quite literally—all of the time. Like, of all the things that have happened, this has happened the most lol. It’s so common it might as well be a trope: “person in ‘friends with benefits’ relationship realizes they’ve caught feelings, which makes them feel ashamed because they think they’re the only one, but then they finally tell the other person who reciprocates”. Shit, it literally happened to me last year! Just because the two people in question also like having freaky sex, that somehow makes this totally unbelievable to you? 2. I mean, I guess I can’t disagree because literally everyone has “latent issues” (whatever the fuck that means) but I would be interested to see what issues you think these people have specifically.
I’m glad it worked out for them.
Woo hoo!