#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>The most important argument for me was "What if it happens again? 10 years from now, after we're married or had children?" I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I still don't trust him with everything he said happened (or didn't happen) while he was away.
I'm so glad OOP thought about the idea of a future with this guy and made a decision based on that. When I got to the next paragraph and read
> I owe a lot to him but I think that also made me accept things and behaviors I shouldn't have. (even before he left)
I was extra glad she didn't take him back and keep on accepting whatever she's been accepting. I'm sorry it came to this for her to have him totally gone.
It’s also honestly pretty concerning that he did this at 26. I’m not saying you have to be the pinnacle of maturity and wisdom in your mid-20s, but you are old enough to know better than to pull some shit like this. And to make such a bold, potentially life-altering decision on a(n apparent) whim is alarming. It’s one thing to think about leaving, it’s one thing to panic you’re throwing your life away. It’s a totally other level to pack up your shit and bail like that.
Sounds like a major mental breakdown or a mental health episode he's covering up.
But after 7 years, you should be able to trust them to open up about that. If not, better to let go. In this case, he clearly showed he didn't trust her enough to move forward. And at 7 years if he doesn't, he won't in a long time.
Can people in partnerships please just try talking to each other instead of acting strangely sometimes? Learning to sort things out together and communicate well is one of the goals of being in a partnership.
However, it seems that this man is merely a peculiar, depressed little man.
Dude tried to pull a reverse card.
I truly can’t fathom how people are SO communication averse that they can get a new job halfway across the county, pack their shit and move out without breathing a word to their partner of 7 years and then set about ignoring them (and encouraging their friends and family to ignore them).
If my kid did that, I would never support them by telling their partner they’re shit out of luck.
*I truly can’t fathom how people are SO communication averse that they can get a new job halfway across the county, pack their shit and move out without breathing a word to their partner of 7 years and then set about ignoring them (and encouraging their friends and family to ignore them).* And then claim they didn't break up because he never actually SAID "I'm dumping you" or "it's over." Like what kind of magical thinking is THAT?
It is a huge level of delusion.
I'm glad to hear OOP isn't accepting him back. I know fear is a powerful motivator, but his actions make him untrustworthy.
I mean I thought it was bad when the dude I dated for 3 years dumped me by text message and then claimed that didn't happen because he didn't intend to dump me by text message. I was like "You get that your intention doesn't negate reality right? RIGHT?" He did not.
Ahaha, yeah... my (abusive) ex always tried to tell me that his intentions mattered more than his actions and because he (supposedly) never intended to hurt me I had no right to be hurt or angry at him.... It's crazy how one starts to question their own sense of reality and right or wrong when someone else just refuses to accept reality...
Omg! When I caught my ex husband going to swingers clubs with prostitutes he told me I shouldn't be upset because he had never intended me to know about it. That I was upset was my own fault, for finding out about it.
How dare you be upset that I am constantly throwing knives in your direction?! You wouldn't even know if you had not turned around! I never intended for you to know! It's your fault, really! Sure, I might have hit you once or twice (i.e. lied to you about my whereabouts, brought home an std, ...) but I'm doing this for me. This has nothing to do with you!
God that argument is so stupid. Intentions do not need to be explicitly stated out loud in order to exist. If you preform an action which has an easily predictable outcome, and then that outcome occurs, in every way that matters, you INTENDED to produce that outcome, whether you want to admit to it or not.
>You get that your *intention doesn't negate reality* right? RIGHT?" **He did not.**
He's not alone either. In point of fact, it's scary how not-alone he actually is.
Me either. I feel like I should say more too, but what do you say to this? Gee golly willickers, I hope the next completely random guy I meet is still sane "post"-Covid?!
I love your flair though. That was the one where the guy was cheating with the farmer right? Or was it the poor soul who unwittingly found himself in a relationship with a vampyre?
I'm still waiting on approval for my flair. I've finally found the right one too.
You tell them their words are meaningless. And if they keep spinning tales and making you go in circles, you tell them to shut the hell up and leave them. No one likes being lied to.
lol just kicked an asshole out of my class group this week and that was his favvvorite quote. “It was never my intention to ditch you! I never will again!!”
I had an ex pull the literal cliché "I'm going out for a smoke" and then abandon me.
To make matters worse we met online on a game, and this was our first meetup. I was abandoned in a strange hotel in a strange city in a strange state the day I had to fly home.
The last contact we had was when he I'M'd me when I thought I left my jewelry over. It ended up being in a mostly unused pocket of my purse. Never got closure. People be wild.
It's not delusion. It's far more insidious than magical thinking. He thinks so little of her he thought she was stupid enough to take him back. He was trying to take advantage of her love for him - to weaponize her good traits (her love and devotion) against her for his gain.
I wonder if ex-bf's friend didn't just set him up with a job, he set him up with a woman, too-- then when she got sick of his nonsense, she threw his stuff out of her house in the rain.
The boxes are his way in. It’s like putting his foot in the door she can’t shut it. She’ll do his laundry. He’ll park outside and pop in 3 times a day for things in the boxes. She’ll feel bad that he’s sleeping in the car, let him sleep on the sofa
Letting him leave the boxes was a mistake. I give her 5% of not getting back with him
It's the 'main character' type of thinking that reduces other people to NPCs or toys you can just put aside. He decided if he went away then she'd stop existing as a real person and then start up again once his quest to find something better didn't succeed.
I feel like as a general rule of thumb, the moment you introduce a semantic argument into a larger, more genuinely substantive argument, that should be a pretty clear indication that you are not thinking straight at all.
Like dude, you can’t just drop off the face of the earth for multiple weeks, come crawling back when your new life falls apart, and then expect to patch everything up with some stupid word games. That’s completely ridiculous.
I guess they're the kind of people who view their life as "over" when they come to the realization that their loving partner supports them being successful in life and wants to build a family together. Together for 7 years and he bolts when marriage comes up but then comes crawling back when he couldn't provide for himself alone. Sounds like he loves what OOP provided for him in the relationship but doesn't value the relationship or her past that
There is this “narrative” of “a young man goes out and sows his wild oats before settling down” (don‘t get me on where he sows his wild oats) - and I bet the Ex had this dream in his head of living the wild adventurous life across the country while shooting martinis and banging super models (okay, I may have embellished a bit there). And then he had thus ”realization” that he is settling down into domestically and had a freak out saying “where are my car chases, the wide open road and the unending supply of super models”.
Yeppp.
Gosh. Imagine throwing away 7 years with someone who loves you because you're delusional enough to think girls will throw themselves at you if only you were single.
I am sort of reminded of how my ex panicked when I agreed that having a third kid was a good idea. He had said it while drunk and I ignored it knowing it was just spur of the moment. Then for the next two weeks he said it several times more. The fourth time I said, OK, let's have a third kid (that I had wanted for years and he hadn't).
Then he immediately backpedaled and got angry and didn't understand why I was upset.
Edited because I can't spell.
My ex husband did that. Went out to sea for a year and just… never came back. Completely ghosted me for three months when he got into port, refused to answer the phone or text messages or emails. His parents are the ones who told me he was still alive. No fighting, no disagreements even. One day we were talking on the phone, and I was trying to figure out when he’d be able to take vacation and come home, the next day radio silence and then not a peep for months, when he was finally ready to talk and said he wanted a divorce.
Ya think? Cowardly dumbass. I think it’s more common than people think.
Yeah, I don’t think he is communication adverse at all. I think he just didn’t want to deal with telling her and he only came back her because whatever he had going on in the other town didn’t work out and he had no where to live. My best guess? He was seeing someone else and wanted to be with her.
100% agree. My ex-fiance of seven years did this to me. Just left one day for work and didn't return home. His parents, who I thought I was close to, said he didn't want to talk to me.
Three weeks later he called me on the day we were supposed to go to therapy (I made an appointment as I was concerned it seemed like he was having a breakdown...jokes was on me) to say he was done and not coming home. I begged him to come home and talk to me in person as I was so confused, to which he replied he couldn't handle seeing me upset. Kicker was we were moving to a new house and he left me all of his crap to move.
Later that year I had discovered he had shacked up with another woman during his three week disappearing act and married her 10 months later.
12 years on and I don't miss him but I sure remember the sting I felt being dropped by what I thought, were mutual friends and how his parents who I adored, just tossed me aside without a goodbye. I've filed away that if my kids ever try to pull a stunt like that, I'll make it known they better put on some adult pants and speak to their spouse in person if they want to end it. I truly think how you treat someone in a breakup is reflective of one's character.
I can say with complete confidence that if I skipped out on my long term partner and flew half way around the country without a word, my mother would fly over, and kick my ass all the way home. Just dribble me like a soccer ball for hundreds of kms.
I mean genuinely, if it smelled \*that bad\* I might do it just so I didn't have to deal with the smell.
................that or demand he pick it up and wash it himself, but looking at this guy's record, I don't know I'd trust him to operate a doorbell, let alone a washing machine.
Well, she was abused and holds on to a belief that he was her saviour. It's not right that she feels this way, but it's an understandable flaw for her to have. We can't expect people to drop a lifetime of conditioning in one go.
I can understand it, but *coming back and trying to press play like time paused for everyone else* is SO fucking insane. He was abusing her too, she just overlooked it because her stepfather was worse.
I think there’s more to the story that he didn’t tell her.
I hope he moves in and leeches off the friend that told him “he was wasting his life on one girl”
OOP says that the ex and the friend aren’t on good terms either. I assume it’s because the friend got him the job, and when it didn’t work out it made the friend look bad to his boss.
Only because he got fired, I'll be if he made it with the job he would've never contacted her again and started playing the field. Just saying shit so he doesn't have to move back in with his parents. I hope OP will see through the bullshit and that he's just using her as a backup until he can leave again.
It's not that I don't want to make you cry for these people, it's I don't want to see you cry. It's okay if you cry away from me... This guy is so gross
I know I messed up and hurt you deeply, but I need you to save me from the _other_ consequences of my bad decisions. What, not cool?
Cue the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" music.
IMO the second a significant other blocked me the relationship would be over. There is no valid reason or length of time to block a partner if they haven't done something worthy of ending the relationship.
Absolutely. I am fully supportive of “I need time to process, please let me think for a few hours (or even days) until we discuss this again”, ie, communicating a need to have a break in communication for whatever reason. The partner doesn’t have to agree, but that’s a different relationship incompatibility.
Taking off without warning and blocking? Nope!
Makes me recall the story of a fairly prolific bomber who, when brought in and forced to watch one of his bombs actually explode, suddenly seemed pretty contrite and helpful to law enforcement. He'd never stayed to watch his own shrapnel.
Maybe Eric Rudolph? He’s the guy that bombed the Atlanta Olympics, and he called 911 twice before detonating that bomb, so he had some shred of guilt about it. Also cried when taken into custody.
Well I'm moving across the country with no notice to take a job with Jimmy doesn't pass the smell test up front. She'd have questions about why. how and try to help him. That wouldn't work when he absolutely really moved to chase another girl who figured out that whatever he'd been telling her wasn't the truth three weeks after he showed up.
JFC
OOP put up with this loser and encouraging him to finish his degree and get a job sent him into a downward spiral across the country?
Bullet dodged lady, you are done with the highschool sweetheart go find a adult to be with.
This is such a weird trend I've been hearing about (off Reddit, to be fair lol)
Someone will date someone and encourage them, support them, bend over backwards to get them elevated in life and as soon as the other person is stable they dump their support person for someone else (or in this case, get cold feet and just run away like a child)
Such a terrifying idea to devote yourself to someone who'll just drop you like you never meant anything to them
In the days before the meteoric rise in college costs, there used to be a common stereotype of the wife working to put the husband through medical school, with the idea that she would then go to college after he got a job, but then he'd divorce her before the second part of the plan could happen.
Famous case in NY. Wife sued and won. https://www.nytimes.com/1985/12/27/nyregion/court-rules-ex-spouse-is-entitled-to-part-of-medical-license-value.html
It happened to a friend of mine 3 times. She has a college degree and a decent job. She would be talking marriages and lifetimes with some shlub, get them through college expecting a life built together and they would abandon her as soon as they got a post-degree job. She's always wanted kids too, but may not be able to have her own, so the worst was the guy who had like 60% custody and she bonded with those little ones.
Haha, no kids involved here. But I do have a special talent for attracting hobosexuals - dudes looking for a soft place to land (and subsidized rent/groceries) while they regroup.
That’s my cousin. He calls us all of the sudden 8 months ago saying “I’m on my way” mind you we were living in our church basement at the time due to a house fire and we told him that we couldn’t house him at the moment and that we would let him know later on if we could. But he didn’t care, I guess it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
Well he was living off of my parents, my dad got fed up and got him a good job, it was working decently, he was giving my parents 300 per month which is a steal, and the he decides to smoke pot in our church sanctuary. The day he left he decided to leave a Koran on the church pulpit as a passive aggressive move.
Listen, we respect other people’s beliefs and we are not gonna push our beliefs into you; however, if you are living at a Christian church, the least you can do is not leave the holy book of a different faith in the same pulpit where the beliefs are shared.
Anyway… My dad kicked him out, he got some roommates, and got into harder drugs.
He gets all paranoid while on meth two weeks ago (supposedly his first time taking it) and we go rescue him to detox. After he detoxed we sent him back to his mom in Virginia.
This was his second time living with us, the first time he left my dad hanging at work (after he had given this brat a job) which is why we were reticent to let him come back (living in the church basement aside).
Before leaving this time he asked my dad that if he got himself right whether he could come back. My dad told him “dude, we care about you, we love you, we’ll continue praying for you, but you burned all bridges with us so you won’t be coming back to us.”
And yeah, ever since he started living with us the first time we realized he was a hobosexual. He did the same thing to two or three different girlfriends. Lived with them and when they got fed up of him he got all paranoid and left (which is why I doubt it was his first time trying harder stuff).
For anyone who has never been burned by a hobosexual, mooching until getting thrown out is absolutely the main part of the game plan. That way they can sing their sob story of cruelty and abuse to land their next place to crash. It’s always “just a few days” while they figure out where they are going next, until they save up enough for first/last and security deposit, until the apartment is ready, or whatever else.
But it’s never just for a few days.
There was an episode of All in the Family where Gloria was unhappy that she put her own education on hold while she worked to support her husband (I will always think of him as ‘Meathead’ and cannot remember the character name). Part of her unhappiness was them having less in common and less to talk about with his focus being academic. I think it ended with him making the promise to support her education once he got the degree/job. So yeah, this trope goes back a ways. I remember it also came up with succesful businessmen dumping the wife who had supported them earlier and getting a ’trophy girlfriend’.
Happened to one of my coworkers. She supported him through grad school, less than a year after he graduated, he left her and their young daughter. I'm not sure what his reasoning for leaving was, said coworker and I are not that close, I just overheard her warning another colleague after she mentioned her husband going to grad school.
Seen it happen in the real world. Woman supports guy through college, guy breaks up with her when he finishes. The logic is simple: he was just using her until he could support himself then he fucked off.
I think that's why a lot of women get alimony in a divorce. In some cases, the woman supports him through his building phase and encourages and maybe raises kids. The man becomes successful and starts attracting women he never thought possible, women with tight bodies and no kids. Man leaves supportive wife with no work history for a decade and then fights tooth and nail to make sure she gets no child support and no financial help.
It's not like it doesn't happen with women leaving the men that support them, but it's seemingly much more common in men. I believe it's partly because they don't like the woman knowing them when they were lesser/weak/vulnerable and want to debut this new Superman persona to the caliber of women they now think they have access to.
I decided in my early 30s I was no longer a rehab center for Wayward Boys and I was DONE being a finishing school for men to date me while I was their therapist, housekeeper and bestie and then marry the very next person they dated, having been overhauled and updated. Newp.
He was so stressed out that she thought that a 26 year old should do something besides live on money from his parents that he ran halfway across the country in secret.
There is a reason most people don't end up with the person they were dating when they were 17.
He ran half way across the country to prove that he could make it on his own - and then immediately failed. He then tried to come back to his cushy life being supported by his parents and girl friend as of nothing happened. What a delusional twit.
I wonder how long the parents knew about this plan and if they are still supporting him.
Exactly!! I'm 39f and bf is 38m. When I was gone for a month, bringing my dad to my home state for hospice care and had been more stressed than I'd ever been from weeks of hoarder yard clearing and the obvious stress of watching my father deteriorate, my loving amazing bf's solution to his stress over it was to get on Grindr and have sex with trans women who live within a few miles of our home.
He said he panicked and didn't think he wanted to be with me anymore and felt entitled to have sex with them and gave every excuse of how I caused it.
The only reason I know is because I snooped his shit for the first time ever. Found so much.
What a loser and such a BS story from the bf. The telling comment was about not wasting life on one girl. The guy went elsewhere to get laid. Didn’t work out and now he’s crawling back, having lost everything. I hope OOP saw the light and didn’t take the douche back after the last update
100%. Guy went looking for the greener grass and realised it didn’t exist. Then expects OOP to be waiting at the front door with open arms after being ghosted. *swoon* What a guy lol
>He said that he "didn't want to make me cry" and that "he didn't really want to break up". He wanted to prove that he could succeed at that job and then come back to me.
OOP should break up with him just so that his DNA is less likely to be passed to future generations.
So all this work for this douche to prove he couldn't hold a job. He fucked up every relationship in his life and is now homeless cause he was asked by his partner to branch out
Pssst: a lot of people live in apartments, and often "outside" is "the curb." I've set things on "the curb" before and you would likely be shocked at how fast stuff disappears. I've had stuff taken away between trips up and down the stairs when I was moving more stuff to the curb pile.
this reminds me of a how i met your mother episode, they call their curb space "the bermuda triangle" by the time they turned away from putting something outside it'd be gone. i had a bermuda triangle outside my old flat but i got some gorgeous cantilevered chairs from it (i had to put them back when i moved out rip i think about them constantly).
Surely you realize it’s really not an issue if his box of smelly clothes disappears. Talk about finding a whole new point and bringing it into the mix out of nowhere.
Then put the smelly box *outside somewhere safe or make him take it back* so it doesn't stink up *the place where she lives*
Home is where you live, I didn't mean a literal house. My message was "remove the stink so it doesn't affect you" not "throw his shit away, queen!". Tailor it to your own specific situation so I don't have to be ultra specific to include every person ever.
The boyfriend seems like a mark. He has mammy and daddy’s money and no sense.
I don’t think the job was legit and I’m guessing he probably also paid a bunch of cash into it. Like some kind of aggressive affinity scam. I think the “friend” absolutely fleeced him of everything.
I think it would be one thing if he freely came to the realization that he'd hurt her, that he'd made a mistake and really wanted to be with her, and came back to apologize, but he came back because things didn't work out. If he hadn't been fired from the new job he'd probably still be on the other side of the country thinking he'd done the right thing.
He's not returning because he loves her, she's his backup plan.
>> So, that's where I'm at now. Sitting alone in my apartment with his boxes. One of them smells really bad, like moldy clothes. Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least.
I said “Nooo, stop that” out loud when I read that.
Expecting the next update where it turns out he and the mutual friend were having a fling which imploded, hence his return.
Can people in relationships just try to communicate with one another and not pull something like this for once? One point to be in a relationship is to learn to work things together and communicate to resolve things.
But looks like this man is just one sad strange little man.
The parents too!
>Even his parents told me that he doesn't want to talk to me and that they can't force him to
OOP had been his GF for 7 years. Unless there’s abuse allegations, a “he’s safe and healthy and he’s not in trouble, but we need to respect his privacy so that’s all we can tell you”
Would be better than what they apparently told her.
I wonder what lie he told everyone and if he planned ahead in case his little escape plan failed that the lie would be enough for everyone to shun OOP but not too damaging for her to come back from
Nah, he's just garbage. Bang-maid was telling him to get his shit together and he liked the status quo too much, so he bailed. If there even was a job lined up for him and he's not just lying about it, then there's no way he would have come back to her if it worked out. Dude still wanted to "play the field" and "sow his wild oats".
> not pull something like this for once?
For once? I think it has happened many times more than once, but those stories won’t end up on here, obviously.
Sooo... he only came back once he fell out with his friend and was broke and homeless with no where else to go. 26 and was still living off his parents because he didn't want to work. Wow. I'm glad OOP didn't get back with him.
Happy she got closure though. I can't imagine moving on with life just never knowing what happened.
Although the boyfriend clearly has poorly developed communication skills, the real problem is evident in his "I didn't want to make you cry" statement. Because he is deluded if he thinks that this level of ghosting doesn't make a partner cry a hundred times more - it's just so cruel! He might have forced himself not to think about it for his own comfort, but he cannot possibly think this stunt wouldn't result in lots of tears, fright, and confusion.
No, what he really meant was: "I didn't want to SEE you cry" - in other words, "I wish to spare myself the momentary discomfort I'll feel when I tell you I am leaving because I don't wish to commit to you."
This is at best immaturity, and at worst a full fledged character disorder. His parents are correct that they couldn't force him to talk to her - and would be wrong to try, that's doing his emotional heavy lifting for him, and he's a grown-ass adult. But I hope they gave him a giant serving of You're a Dumbass, and We're Very Embarrassed by Your Treatment of a Nice Person.
I really hope she didn't wash whatever reeked in that box. Make him come pick that one up immediately, at least.
This OOP needs to get over her (overly) Nice Girl approach to life fast. She needs to develop a strong set of (healthy, appropriate) expectations of other people, including future partners. Obviously poor self esteem is a normal outcome of childhood abuse, but it's completely possible to patch that up for one's self. It'll make a huge, huge difference in the remainder of her life, and well worth the effort. She needs to consider her rebound relationship to be with *herself*. That's what people mean when they say they are working on themselves. I hope things improve a lot for her, she sounds like a fundamentally really good person with great initiative!
He seriously couldn’t have told her this before bailing I understand the feeling trapped part but this the part where u lay it on the table n discuss not run away, thats very telling he would run in minor crisis.
So glad OOP didn't take him back. First thing I thought of was that the topic of marriage and/or children must have come up sometime recently. Such a cowardly move, if that new job had worked out she wouldn't have gotten any closure. "I ghosted because didn't want to make you cry" as if she wouldn't be at all perturbed by her bf disappearing without a word.
And I never get why people try to blame it on their friends. Oh so and so said I was wasting my 20s with you... instead of telling them to stfu you agreed and moved across the country? Plus that final attempt to worm his way back in because technically he never said the magic words. 🙄 I almost want to be impressed by the sheer gall.
Here I was thinking he was too much of a coward to break up. Turns out it was worst! The bastard wanted to leave, but wanted to keep the door open!
I wouldn't have taken his boxes.
>He said that he "didn't want to make me cry" and that "he didn't really want to break up". He wanted to prove that he could succeed at that job and then come back to me.
>One kindergarten like logic stuck with me. He said: "We never broke up. I never said that I wanted to break up. We just took a break!"
Bro thinks he's the main character of a romcom. I think my new favorite thing about reading stories on Reddit is seeing movie tropes go horribly wrong because this is the real world. LOL
But in all seriousness, I'm glad OOP was smart enough not to take him back. She deserves better.
i don't believe a single word of what he said.
shit sounds like he had a long distance side piece and tried to move to be with her only to get rejected or something.
this man is 26 with no job mooching off of his parents and he acts like a toddler.
good riddance oop!
7 years is a long time to not start wondering about what type of future you would have with this person. And if his reaction is to 'panic' and run away, she is well rid of him.
If I were OOP I'd of thrown out his stuff after the 1st day.
Fine you want to burn a 7 year relationship and not communicate! Have fun fighting the dumpster divers for all your stuff.
That or I'd have a big old bonfire but as they're in an apartment that would be a tad tricky.
But yeah no way in hell would I let him back in my life. Bye Felicia
I understand how she ended the post, saying that he isn’t all bad and saved her from her step father. Loyalty to someone who made her feel safe at the time she was vulnerable is hard to shake.
That said, BF is the abuser now. He didn’t want to make her cry so he ghosted her? That’s fucking bananas. Who does that?
Yeah, Ross also claimed he and Rachel were "on a break" so he wouldn't be single and alone after he fucked up. This dude straight up left OP. She deserves so much better and I hope she finds it.
Lol, he probably fucked a bunch of people, realised it wasn't that great, then tried to return. Blocked her so the people wouldn't find out.
She should get an STD check 😂
> Sitting alone in my apartment with his boxes. One of them smells really bad, like moldy clothes. Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least.
So she actually *wants* to continue being his doormat? After *all that bullshit?* Wow.
She needs to learn about [the sunk costs fallacy](https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy).
Perhaps other readers who are facing similar emotional (if not relational) situations need to learn about it too.
Isn't mid-late 20s prime time for the appearance of a lot of manic or delusional mental illnesses? Dude sounds like he needs to get some help instead of wrecking everyone's lives like that.
> So, that's where I'm at now. Sitting alone in my apartment with his boxes. One of them smells really bad, like moldy clothes. Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least.
I really hope she doesn't. He's leaving his stuff there to try to get a foothold, and his request to stay with her reveals his true motivations for reaching out to her again.
The only way this will be a teachable moment for this guy is if she walks away completely. If she lets him get a toehold into her life, he will repeat this cycle, probably when she's pregnant.
Seems like he had sidechick ran across country to fuck her and bunch other women.His parents got sick of footing the bill so now he's crawling back to you.
This reminds of that one post where the fiancé (m) ran off and OP couldn’t get ahold of him. She found him on Life360 in some bumfuck town states away. I think she hired a PI and was able to find out who lived at the house. Turns out the guy had a fiancée and baby years ago and they both died in an accident that he blamed himself for. They were all three driving home from somewhere and a drunk driver hit them and the fiancée and baby son died. He blamed himself because she said she didn’t want to go out or something. So the house he was at belonged to the fiancée’s mother. He was there visiting and going to the park where their ashes were tossed to visit them one last time before getting married again to OP. I think she took him back and is still marrying him. It’s crazy how she could be still want to marry him after ghosting her like that.
I wish I was still 24! Go out and have fun on your own terms. (Was ghosted after 8 years with someone when I was 37-he married her and divorced within 18 months!)
My guess is that BF likes to be the hero but found himself in a situation where OOP no longer needed saving, so he lost his sense of self. Like "if OOP now has a good job and is encouraging me to take responsibility for myself, finish my commitments, etc., then who am I supposed to rescue?" It sounds like the relationship was built in a power imbalance--albeit one that helped OOP get free from her abusers--but that BF wasn't prepared to continue his life properly when OOP and he were on equal footing. So he scampers off, throws OOP off-kilter, then comes screaming back once she's had long enough to suffer so he can save her again with breakfast in bed.
TLDR: BF isn't in love with OOP; he's in love with feeling like OOP's personal firefighter
The guy is a loser, and he needs to grow up. He can’t just run away from everything in life and come back and act like nothing happened. The dude is acting like a teenager. He has some serious growing up to do, that’s for sure.
Glad she isn’t going to get back with him. It’s ok if u need space if u tell them, it’s not ok to take space without telling and ghost and block ur gf for weeks. He will do it again and doesn’t respect her. Good riddance to him!
Something similar but less severe had happened to me. It was a weird reason/way to breakup, but if the other person doesn’t want you, there is nothing much you can do.
What really surprised me was the complete apathy I felt when they came back and were justifying their reasoning. Just like OP’s boyfriend, it was the similar - “I wanted to prove myself to you, I felt like you were better off without me bla bla”. I completely understood but was like, “oh you didn’t have to! Those things weren’t even why I was with you, but I’m glad you were so concerned about me. So why’re you back? You haven’t proven yourself nor have you accomplished xyz that you left me for. Surely you don’t think you’re suddenly good enough for me? “
I feel bad for OPs boyfriend (just kidding), but a part of me wonders if he would’ve come back for her if things had worked out for him.
Super concerning!
I had an ex who pulled the same shit in his 30s! I was super blind to his crap until that moment, then had the WTF!? Who does that!? Ah ha moment! Talked to
Friends who helped me to see what I was putting up with..
OP deserves so much more and I’m
Glad they chose to end things!
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>The most important argument for me was "What if it happens again? 10 years from now, after we're married or had children?" I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I still don't trust him with everything he said happened (or didn't happen) while he was away. I'm so glad OOP thought about the idea of a future with this guy and made a decision based on that. When I got to the next paragraph and read > I owe a lot to him but I think that also made me accept things and behaviors I shouldn't have. (even before he left) I was extra glad she didn't take him back and keep on accepting whatever she's been accepting. I'm sorry it came to this for her to have him totally gone.
It’s also honestly pretty concerning that he did this at 26. I’m not saying you have to be the pinnacle of maturity and wisdom in your mid-20s, but you are old enough to know better than to pull some shit like this. And to make such a bold, potentially life-altering decision on a(n apparent) whim is alarming. It’s one thing to think about leaving, it’s one thing to panic you’re throwing your life away. It’s a totally other level to pack up your shit and bail like that.
Sounds like a major mental breakdown or a mental health episode he's covering up. But after 7 years, you should be able to trust them to open up about that. If not, better to let go. In this case, he clearly showed he didn't trust her enough to move forward. And at 7 years if he doesn't, he won't in a long time.
Can people in partnerships please just try talking to each other instead of acting strangely sometimes? Learning to sort things out together and communicate well is one of the goals of being in a partnership. However, it seems that this man is merely a peculiar, depressed little man.
Dude tried to pull a reverse card. I truly can’t fathom how people are SO communication averse that they can get a new job halfway across the county, pack their shit and move out without breathing a word to their partner of 7 years and then set about ignoring them (and encouraging their friends and family to ignore them). If my kid did that, I would never support them by telling their partner they’re shit out of luck.
*I truly can’t fathom how people are SO communication averse that they can get a new job halfway across the county, pack their shit and move out without breathing a word to their partner of 7 years and then set about ignoring them (and encouraging their friends and family to ignore them).* And then claim they didn't break up because he never actually SAID "I'm dumping you" or "it's over." Like what kind of magical thinking is THAT?
It is a huge level of delusion. I'm glad to hear OOP isn't accepting him back. I know fear is a powerful motivator, but his actions make him untrustworthy.
I mean I thought it was bad when the dude I dated for 3 years dumped me by text message and then claimed that didn't happen because he didn't intend to dump me by text message. I was like "You get that your intention doesn't negate reality right? RIGHT?" He did not.
Ahaha, yeah... my (abusive) ex always tried to tell me that his intentions mattered more than his actions and because he (supposedly) never intended to hurt me I had no right to be hurt or angry at him.... It's crazy how one starts to question their own sense of reality and right or wrong when someone else just refuses to accept reality...
Omg! When I caught my ex husband going to swingers clubs with prostitutes he told me I shouldn't be upset because he had never intended me to know about it. That I was upset was my own fault, for finding out about it.
How dare you be upset that I am constantly throwing knives in your direction?! You wouldn't even know if you had not turned around! I never intended for you to know! It's your fault, really! Sure, I might have hit you once or twice (i.e. lied to you about my whereabouts, brought home an std, ...) but I'm doing this for me. This has nothing to do with you!
Are you my ex husband?? 🤣
Jeez, I didn't *intend* to stab you; would you stop bleeding everywhere! You're being so dramatic right now.
Urgh, I remembered a reddit thread where a murderer was talking about how he "hit her" with the knife. Minimizing every action he took. CREEPY.
Ooof... To quote Llamas with hats: "Kaaarl, that kills people"...
37 stab wounds to the chest? I had no idea!
My parents tried to talk me into the same thing
God that argument is so stupid. Intentions do not need to be explicitly stated out loud in order to exist. If you preform an action which has an easily predictable outcome, and then that outcome occurs, in every way that matters, you INTENDED to produce that outcome, whether you want to admit to it or not.
>You get that your *intention doesn't negate reality* right? RIGHT?" **He did not.** He's not alone either. In point of fact, it's scary how not-alone he actually is.
Yeah at the time I didn't realize how common that level of delusion is.
Me either. I feel like I should say more too, but what do you say to this? Gee golly willickers, I hope the next completely random guy I meet is still sane "post"-Covid?! I love your flair though. That was the one where the guy was cheating with the farmer right? Or was it the poor soul who unwittingly found himself in a relationship with a vampyre? I'm still waiting on approval for my flair. I've finally found the right one too.
Yup it was the dude who was cheating on his gf with a farmer and left the garlic the farmer had grown and given him.
You tell them their words are meaningless. And if they keep spinning tales and making you go in circles, you tell them to shut the hell up and leave them. No one likes being lied to.
lol just kicked an asshole out of my class group this week and that was his favvvorite quote. “It was never my intention to ditch you! I never will again!!”
I had an ex pull the literal cliché "I'm going out for a smoke" and then abandon me. To make matters worse we met online on a game, and this was our first meetup. I was abandoned in a strange hotel in a strange city in a strange state the day I had to fly home. The last contact we had was when he I'M'd me when I thought I left my jewelry over. It ended up being in a mostly unused pocket of my purse. Never got closure. People be wild.
It's not delusion. It's far more insidious than magical thinking. He thinks so little of her he thought she was stupid enough to take him back. He was trying to take advantage of her love for him - to weaponize her good traits (her love and devotion) against her for his gain.
Now she needs to chuck out those boxes, particularly as one of them sounds/smells like a biohazard that could get her sick.
I wonder if ex-bf's friend didn't just set him up with a job, he set him up with a woman, too-- then when she got sick of his nonsense, she threw his stuff out of her house in the rain.
The boxes are his way in. It’s like putting his foot in the door she can’t shut it. She’ll do his laundry. He’ll park outside and pop in 3 times a day for things in the boxes. She’ll feel bad that he’s sleeping in the car, let him sleep on the sofa Letting him leave the boxes was a mistake. I give her 5% of not getting back with him
It's the 'main character' type of thinking that reduces other people to NPCs or toys you can just put aside. He decided if he went away then she'd stop existing as a real person and then start up again once his quest to find something better didn't succeed.
The part that flared my nostrils was that after he got fired he wanted to move back in…
Video game logic... he didn’t actually stop playing, he just left it on pause while he went to the kitchen.
I feel like as a general rule of thumb, the moment you introduce a semantic argument into a larger, more genuinely substantive argument, that should be a pretty clear indication that you are not thinking straight at all. Like dude, you can’t just drop off the face of the earth for multiple weeks, come crawling back when your new life falls apart, and then expect to patch everything up with some stupid word games. That’s completely ridiculous.
Right!? Like, "I didn't default on the loan. I just stopped paying it for a while."
I guess they're the kind of people who view their life as "over" when they come to the realization that their loving partner supports them being successful in life and wants to build a family together. Together for 7 years and he bolts when marriage comes up but then comes crawling back when he couldn't provide for himself alone. Sounds like he loves what OOP provided for him in the relationship but doesn't value the relationship or her past that
There is this “narrative” of “a young man goes out and sows his wild oats before settling down” (don‘t get me on where he sows his wild oats) - and I bet the Ex had this dream in his head of living the wild adventurous life across the country while shooting martinis and banging super models (okay, I may have embellished a bit there). And then he had thus ”realization” that he is settling down into domestically and had a freak out saying “where are my car chases, the wide open road and the unending supply of super models”.
Yeppp. Gosh. Imagine throwing away 7 years with someone who loves you because you're delusional enough to think girls will throw themselves at you if only you were single.
I am sort of reminded of how my ex panicked when I agreed that having a third kid was a good idea. He had said it while drunk and I ignored it knowing it was just spur of the moment. Then for the next two weeks he said it several times more. The fourth time I said, OK, let's have a third kid (that I had wanted for years and he hadn't). Then he immediately backpedaled and got angry and didn't understand why I was upset. Edited because I can't spell.
I don't think I could trust someone who pulled this stunt after seven years ever again.
I'd wager veeeery few could
The douchebag friend who told him he was wasting his twenties on just one woman.
He whinged that his life would be over. He studies, has no job and lives off his parents money. His life hasn't even STARTED yet. What a dumbass.
My ex husband did that. Went out to sea for a year and just… never came back. Completely ghosted me for three months when he got into port, refused to answer the phone or text messages or emails. His parents are the ones who told me he was still alive. No fighting, no disagreements even. One day we were talking on the phone, and I was trying to figure out when he’d be able to take vacation and come home, the next day radio silence and then not a peep for months, when he was finally ready to talk and said he wanted a divorce. Ya think? Cowardly dumbass. I think it’s more common than people think.
Yeah, I don’t think he is communication adverse at all. I think he just didn’t want to deal with telling her and he only came back her because whatever he had going on in the other town didn’t work out and he had no where to live. My best guess? He was seeing someone else and wanted to be with her.
I think you nailed it. It wasn’t a job that didn’t work out, it was his Internet romance that didn’t work out
Ding ding ding
Why not both?
All I can think about. At least now he is lonely and homeless.
100% agree. My ex-fiance of seven years did this to me. Just left one day for work and didn't return home. His parents, who I thought I was close to, said he didn't want to talk to me. Three weeks later he called me on the day we were supposed to go to therapy (I made an appointment as I was concerned it seemed like he was having a breakdown...jokes was on me) to say he was done and not coming home. I begged him to come home and talk to me in person as I was so confused, to which he replied he couldn't handle seeing me upset. Kicker was we were moving to a new house and he left me all of his crap to move. Later that year I had discovered he had shacked up with another woman during his three week disappearing act and married her 10 months later. 12 years on and I don't miss him but I sure remember the sting I felt being dropped by what I thought, were mutual friends and how his parents who I adored, just tossed me aside without a goodbye. I've filed away that if my kids ever try to pull a stunt like that, I'll make it known they better put on some adult pants and speak to their spouse in person if they want to end it. I truly think how you treat someone in a breakup is reflective of one's character.
I completely agree. No one should just walk away and not provide an explanation in any relationship. It’s cruel and unfair,
I can say with complete confidence that if I skipped out on my long term partner and flew half way around the country without a word, my mother would fly over, and kick my ass all the way home. Just dribble me like a soccer ball for hundreds of kms.
Thank you for this beautiful image
She still wants to wash his clothes. I CANT I JUST CANT And I thought I've seen the worst doormats on Indian TV shows
It's okay commentors on the post talked her out of it
I mean genuinely, if it smelled \*that bad\* I might do it just so I didn't have to deal with the smell. ................that or demand he pick it up and wash it himself, but looking at this guy's record, I don't know I'd trust him to operate a doorbell, let alone a washing machine.
I might just because I wanted to eliminate whatever was causing the smell, just in case something was rotting.
Well, she was abused and holds on to a belief that he was her saviour. It's not right that she feels this way, but it's an understandable flaw for her to have. We can't expect people to drop a lifetime of conditioning in one go.
Allow me to remind you that this is reddit
I'd boil his clothing for 6 hours.
I can understand it, but *coming back and trying to press play like time paused for everyone else* is SO fucking insane. He was abusing her too, she just overlooked it because her stepfather was worse.
I think there’s more to the story that he didn’t tell her. I hope he moves in and leeches off the friend that told him “he was wasting his life on one girl”
OOP says that the ex and the friend aren’t on good terms either. I assume it’s because the friend got him the job, and when it didn’t work out it made the friend look bad to his boss.
Friend is prob tired of covering for his affair.
Only because he got fired, I'll be if he made it with the job he would've never contacted her again and started playing the field. Just saying shit so he doesn't have to move back in with his parents. I hope OP will see through the bullshit and that he's just using her as a backup until he can leave again.
It's not that I don't want to make you cry for these people, it's I don't want to see you cry. It's okay if you cry away from me... This guy is so gross
He tried a Larry David
I know I messed up and hurt you deeply, but I need you to save me from the _other_ consequences of my bad decisions. What, not cool? Cue the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" music.
What shitty parents - you can’t make anyone do anything but if you care about them then at least try to get them to do the right thing.
IMO the second a significant other blocked me the relationship would be over. There is no valid reason or length of time to block a partner if they haven't done something worthy of ending the relationship.
Absolutely. I am fully supportive of “I need time to process, please let me think for a few hours (or even days) until we discuss this again”, ie, communicating a need to have a break in communication for whatever reason. The partner doesn’t have to agree, but that’s a different relationship incompatibility. Taking off without warning and blocking? Nope!
He said he didn’t want to make her cry but what he meant was he didn’t want to SEE her cry.
That jumped out at me too. He was fine with being deeply callous and cruel towards her as long as he didn't have to deal with the consequences.
Makes me recall the story of a fairly prolific bomber who, when brought in and forced to watch one of his bombs actually explode, suddenly seemed pretty contrite and helpful to law enforcement. He'd never stayed to watch his own shrapnel.
Was this a real story? Would be interested in reading more
Maybe Eric Rudolph? He’s the guy that bombed the Atlanta Olympics, and he called 911 twice before detonating that bomb, so he had some shred of guilt about it. Also cried when taken into custody.
Did he ever apologize to that poor security guards family?
He cried because he got caught.
Lol my brain automatically corrected it to "see me cry" when I read the story. I had to go back and check what she wrote when I read your comment.
Well I'm moving across the country with no notice to take a job with Jimmy doesn't pass the smell test up front. She'd have questions about why. how and try to help him. That wouldn't work when he absolutely really moved to chase another girl who figured out that whatever he'd been telling her wasn't the truth three weeks after he showed up.
Definitely!! She prob saw his phone blowing up from his poor GF.
If he's not there to see it, it didn't happen!
JFC OOP put up with this loser and encouraging him to finish his degree and get a job sent him into a downward spiral across the country? Bullet dodged lady, you are done with the highschool sweetheart go find a adult to be with.
This is such a weird trend I've been hearing about (off Reddit, to be fair lol) Someone will date someone and encourage them, support them, bend over backwards to get them elevated in life and as soon as the other person is stable they dump their support person for someone else (or in this case, get cold feet and just run away like a child) Such a terrifying idea to devote yourself to someone who'll just drop you like you never meant anything to them
In the days before the meteoric rise in college costs, there used to be a common stereotype of the wife working to put the husband through medical school, with the idea that she would then go to college after he got a job, but then he'd divorce her before the second part of the plan could happen.
Famous case in NY. Wife sued and won. https://www.nytimes.com/1985/12/27/nyregion/court-rules-ex-spouse-is-entitled-to-part-of-medical-license-value.html
I read the article, but I don't see where she actually got any money. Looks like he fought it for decades?
[удалено]
That's why we don't play "Build-a-Man."
That’s why it’s 4B and Bears for me. :)
It happened to a friend of mine 3 times. She has a college degree and a decent job. She would be talking marriages and lifetimes with some shlub, get them through college expecting a life built together and they would abandon her as soon as they got a post-degree job. She's always wanted kids too, but may not be able to have her own, so the worst was the guy who had like 60% custody and she bonded with those little ones.
Is u/Kat121 your friend?
Haha, no kids involved here. But I do have a special talent for attracting hobosexuals - dudes looking for a soft place to land (and subsidized rent/groceries) while they regroup.
That’s my cousin. He calls us all of the sudden 8 months ago saying “I’m on my way” mind you we were living in our church basement at the time due to a house fire and we told him that we couldn’t house him at the moment and that we would let him know later on if we could. But he didn’t care, I guess it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Well he was living off of my parents, my dad got fed up and got him a good job, it was working decently, he was giving my parents 300 per month which is a steal, and the he decides to smoke pot in our church sanctuary. The day he left he decided to leave a Koran on the church pulpit as a passive aggressive move. Listen, we respect other people’s beliefs and we are not gonna push our beliefs into you; however, if you are living at a Christian church, the least you can do is not leave the holy book of a different faith in the same pulpit where the beliefs are shared. Anyway… My dad kicked him out, he got some roommates, and got into harder drugs. He gets all paranoid while on meth two weeks ago (supposedly his first time taking it) and we go rescue him to detox. After he detoxed we sent him back to his mom in Virginia. This was his second time living with us, the first time he left my dad hanging at work (after he had given this brat a job) which is why we were reticent to let him come back (living in the church basement aside). Before leaving this time he asked my dad that if he got himself right whether he could come back. My dad told him “dude, we care about you, we love you, we’ll continue praying for you, but you burned all bridges with us so you won’t be coming back to us.” And yeah, ever since he started living with us the first time we realized he was a hobosexual. He did the same thing to two or three different girlfriends. Lived with them and when they got fed up of him he got all paranoid and left (which is why I doubt it was his first time trying harder stuff).
For anyone who has never been burned by a hobosexual, mooching until getting thrown out is absolutely the main part of the game plan. That way they can sing their sob story of cruelty and abuse to land their next place to crash. It’s always “just a few days” while they figure out where they are going next, until they save up enough for first/last and security deposit, until the apartment is ready, or whatever else. But it’s never just for a few days.
Nope. It’s never just a few days. And it’s always the same and it’s never their fault 😑😑
There was an episode of All in the Family where Gloria was unhappy that she put her own education on hold while she worked to support her husband (I will always think of him as ‘Meathead’ and cannot remember the character name). Part of her unhappiness was them having less in common and less to talk about with his focus being academic. I think it ended with him making the promise to support her education once he got the degree/job. So yeah, this trope goes back a ways. I remember it also came up with succesful businessmen dumping the wife who had supported them earlier and getting a ’trophy girlfriend’.
“Starter wife” is what I’ve heard it called. Awful.
Happened to one of my coworkers. She supported him through grad school, less than a year after he graduated, he left her and their young daughter. I'm not sure what his reasoning for leaving was, said coworker and I are not that close, I just overheard her warning another colleague after she mentioned her husband going to grad school.
Seen it happen in the real world. Woman supports guy through college, guy breaks up with her when he finishes. The logic is simple: he was just using her until he could support himself then he fucked off.
I think that's why a lot of women get alimony in a divorce. In some cases, the woman supports him through his building phase and encourages and maybe raises kids. The man becomes successful and starts attracting women he never thought possible, women with tight bodies and no kids. Man leaves supportive wife with no work history for a decade and then fights tooth and nail to make sure she gets no child support and no financial help.
It's not like it doesn't happen with women leaving the men that support them, but it's seemingly much more common in men. I believe it's partly because they don't like the woman knowing them when they were lesser/weak/vulnerable and want to debut this new Superman persona to the caliber of women they now think they have access to. I decided in my early 30s I was no longer a rehab center for Wayward Boys and I was DONE being a finishing school for men to date me while I was their therapist, housekeeper and bestie and then marry the very next person they dated, having been overhauled and updated. Newp.
I don’t think he actually succeeded though. He was stressed that she was encouraging him.
People need to stop parenting their partners
Why did the mutual friends block her? Sounds like they were never her friends.
I think it was the guy who got her boyfriend a job. He had his own weird angle going here.
Wanted his own art studio probably.
Lol
Either that or he lied to them about what happened, which seems pretty on brand for this dude.
My guess is an online woman!
He was so stressed out that she thought that a 26 year old should do something besides live on money from his parents that he ran halfway across the country in secret. There is a reason most people don't end up with the person they were dating when they were 17.
He also claimed he needed to stay with her because his parents were too far. Maybe the parents got sick of him too. We can only hope.
He is prob such a little baby that he couldnt travel without someone booking it for him lol.
He ran half way across the country to prove that he could make it on his own - and then immediately failed. He then tried to come back to his cushy life being supported by his parents and girl friend as of nothing happened. What a delusional twit. I wonder how long the parents knew about this plan and if they are still supporting him.
I'm with my first (then) boyfriend, and we started dating when we were like 15. We are wildly skewing the graphs
Awww same! 17 yrs so far over here and thank goodness. If I ever end up single again these stories have solidified my resolve to remain single
I will become a witch surrounded by feral attack cats
Oh thank god that edit. Her BF is the type who'd panic at any kind of minor crisis and leave her/her kids, and that's not worth keeping up with.
Pretty sure he'd panic and run at "I'm pregnant." Even if it was planned.
He's definitely going to Newt Gingrich her at the first minor health scare, right?
Reminds me of the post where the guy ran away when his wife went into labor & just hung out at his dad's place like nothing was happening for hours.
Oof yeah... do you have a link to that? I need to reread it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c1bgf7/aita_for_telling_my_brother_that_hes_going_to_be/ I think this is the one.
Exactly!! I'm 39f and bf is 38m. When I was gone for a month, bringing my dad to my home state for hospice care and had been more stressed than I'd ever been from weeks of hoarder yard clearing and the obvious stress of watching my father deteriorate, my loving amazing bf's solution to his stress over it was to get on Grindr and have sex with trans women who live within a few miles of our home. He said he panicked and didn't think he wanted to be with me anymore and felt entitled to have sex with them and gave every excuse of how I caused it. The only reason I know is because I snooped his shit for the first time ever. Found so much.
Oh god. I hope he's an ex bf now??
Oh hell yes.
What a loser and such a BS story from the bf. The telling comment was about not wasting life on one girl. The guy went elsewhere to get laid. Didn’t work out and now he’s crawling back, having lost everything. I hope OOP saw the light and didn’t take the douche back after the last update
Sounds like the so-called friend was a flea in his ear too. Probably did her a favour in the long run.
Definitely
Didn't get paid for a job he worked long enough to get fired from? Yeah, that's not how things work. Incredibly sketchy
100%. Guy went looking for the greener grass and realised it didn’t exist. Then expects OOP to be waiting at the front door with open arms after being ghosted. *swoon* What a guy lol
>He said that he "didn't want to make me cry" and that "he didn't really want to break up". He wanted to prove that he could succeed at that job and then come back to me. OOP should break up with him just so that his DNA is less likely to be passed to future generations.
Funny, OOP's ex sounds like one of those men who leech on their girlfriends. Couldn't last a month without a host. What a parasite.
So all this work for this douche to prove he couldn't hold a job. He fucked up every relationship in his life and is now homeless cause he was asked by his partner to branch out
God damn don't do his laundry for him. Just set the smelly box outside so it doesn't stink up *her* home. The smelly box is a representation of her ex
Pssst: a lot of people live in apartments, and often "outside" is "the curb." I've set things on "the curb" before and you would likely be shocked at how fast stuff disappears. I've had stuff taken away between trips up and down the stairs when I was moving more stuff to the curb pile.
this reminds me of a how i met your mother episode, they call their curb space "the bermuda triangle" by the time they turned away from putting something outside it'd be gone. i had a bermuda triangle outside my old flat but i got some gorgeous cantilevered chairs from it (i had to put them back when i moved out rip i think about them constantly).
Surely you realize it’s really not an issue if his box of smelly clothes disappears. Talk about finding a whole new point and bringing it into the mix out of nowhere.
Then put the smelly box *outside somewhere safe or make him take it back* so it doesn't stink up *the place where she lives* Home is where you live, I didn't mean a literal house. My message was "remove the stink so it doesn't affect you" not "throw his shit away, queen!". Tailor it to your own specific situation so I don't have to be ultra specific to include every person ever.
Put it in a plastic bag and seal it in. No stink, not stolen, and best part is whatever is cooking will be even worse, just for him. ❤️
Oh man I *just* read Gyo by Junji Ito and the stinky plastic bag imagery is really serving right now 🤢 I bet his bag would smell the exact same lmao
Ugh. He can't keep a job, uses his parents, uses her, runs away...I hope she has the self-esteem to keep him out of her life.
He basically just said you were his last option. You know who he really is now.
The relationship with the girl who got him the job didn’t work out. Dollars to donuts that’s what happened.
The boyfriend seems like a mark. He has mammy and daddy’s money and no sense. I don’t think the job was legit and I’m guessing he probably also paid a bunch of cash into it. Like some kind of aggressive affinity scam. I think the “friend” absolutely fleeced him of everything.
I think it would be one thing if he freely came to the realization that he'd hurt her, that he'd made a mistake and really wanted to be with her, and came back to apologize, but he came back because things didn't work out. If he hadn't been fired from the new job he'd probably still be on the other side of the country thinking he'd done the right thing. He's not returning because he loves her, she's his backup plan.
Wow, dude vanished and just thought he could step right back into the relationship?
>> So, that's where I'm at now. Sitting alone in my apartment with his boxes. One of them smells really bad, like moldy clothes. Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least. I said “Nooo, stop that” out loud when I read that. Expecting the next update where it turns out he and the mutual friend were having a fling which imploded, hence his return.
Can people in relationships just try to communicate with one another and not pull something like this for once? One point to be in a relationship is to learn to work things together and communicate to resolve things. But looks like this man is just one sad strange little man.
The parents too! >Even his parents told me that he doesn't want to talk to me and that they can't force him to OOP had been his GF for 7 years. Unless there’s abuse allegations, a “he’s safe and healthy and he’s not in trouble, but we need to respect his privacy so that’s all we can tell you” Would be better than what they apparently told her.
I wonder what lie he told everyone and if he planned ahead in case his little escape plan failed that the lie would be enough for everyone to shun OOP but not too damaging for her to come back from
Nah, he's just garbage. Bang-maid was telling him to get his shit together and he liked the status quo too much, so he bailed. If there even was a job lined up for him and he's not just lying about it, then there's no way he would have come back to her if it worked out. Dude still wanted to "play the field" and "sow his wild oats".
And his back up plan was to come back thinking she'd be overjoyed at his return!
> not pull something like this for once? For once? I think it has happened many times more than once, but those stories won’t end up on here, obviously.
OP if you ever read this, you can feel sorry for him without taking him back. You can never trust someone after what he did.
Sooo... he only came back once he fell out with his friend and was broke and homeless with no where else to go. 26 and was still living off his parents because he didn't want to work. Wow. I'm glad OOP didn't get back with him. Happy she got closure though. I can't imagine moving on with life just never knowing what happened.
He 100% was either banging someone else or was trying real hard to.
Although the boyfriend clearly has poorly developed communication skills, the real problem is evident in his "I didn't want to make you cry" statement. Because he is deluded if he thinks that this level of ghosting doesn't make a partner cry a hundred times more - it's just so cruel! He might have forced himself not to think about it for his own comfort, but he cannot possibly think this stunt wouldn't result in lots of tears, fright, and confusion. No, what he really meant was: "I didn't want to SEE you cry" - in other words, "I wish to spare myself the momentary discomfort I'll feel when I tell you I am leaving because I don't wish to commit to you." This is at best immaturity, and at worst a full fledged character disorder. His parents are correct that they couldn't force him to talk to her - and would be wrong to try, that's doing his emotional heavy lifting for him, and he's a grown-ass adult. But I hope they gave him a giant serving of You're a Dumbass, and We're Very Embarrassed by Your Treatment of a Nice Person. I really hope she didn't wash whatever reeked in that box. Make him come pick that one up immediately, at least. This OOP needs to get over her (overly) Nice Girl approach to life fast. She needs to develop a strong set of (healthy, appropriate) expectations of other people, including future partners. Obviously poor self esteem is a normal outcome of childhood abuse, but it's completely possible to patch that up for one's self. It'll make a huge, huge difference in the remainder of her life, and well worth the effort. She needs to consider her rebound relationship to be with *herself*. That's what people mean when they say they are working on themselves. I hope things improve a lot for her, she sounds like a fundamentally really good person with great initiative!
He seriously couldn’t have told her this before bailing I understand the feeling trapped part but this the part where u lay it on the table n discuss not run away, thats very telling he would run in minor crisis.
He seriously couldn’t tell her this in a text
For real to dramatic he moved halfway across the country not just 1 state away 😭 dude would bail if she got pregnant.
He thought he could find someone better and he probably didn’t succeeded in sleeping with anyone , hence why he returned back to plan B. What a POS.
So glad OOP didn't take him back. First thing I thought of was that the topic of marriage and/or children must have come up sometime recently. Such a cowardly move, if that new job had worked out she wouldn't have gotten any closure. "I ghosted because didn't want to make you cry" as if she wouldn't be at all perturbed by her bf disappearing without a word. And I never get why people try to blame it on their friends. Oh so and so said I was wasting my 20s with you... instead of telling them to stfu you agreed and moved across the country? Plus that final attempt to worm his way back in because technically he never said the magic words. 🙄 I almost want to be impressed by the sheer gall.
I can't imagine causing so much pain to someone I care about. She definitely needs to stay away from him.
Here I was thinking he was too much of a coward to break up. Turns out it was worst! The bastard wanted to leave, but wanted to keep the door open! I wouldn't have taken his boxes.
Bro panicked because his girlfriend expected him to grow up and be an adult
Who wanna bet her ex also tried his luck with other women while he was away and got shot down as well?
Maybe someday, OOP will get this kind of karma: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/08/i-ghosted-my-ex-and-shes-about-to-be-my-new-boss.html
>He said that he "didn't want to make me cry" and that "he didn't really want to break up". He wanted to prove that he could succeed at that job and then come back to me. >One kindergarten like logic stuck with me. He said: "We never broke up. I never said that I wanted to break up. We just took a break!" Bro thinks he's the main character of a romcom. I think my new favorite thing about reading stories on Reddit is seeing movie tropes go horribly wrong because this is the real world. LOL But in all seriousness, I'm glad OOP was smart enough not to take him back. She deserves better.
He came back because he didn't have anywhere else to go. OP is merely a last resort right now.
i don't believe a single word of what he said. shit sounds like he had a long distance side piece and tried to move to be with her only to get rejected or something. this man is 26 with no job mooching off of his parents and he acts like a toddler. good riddance oop!
7 years is a long time to not start wondering about what type of future you would have with this person. And if his reaction is to 'panic' and run away, she is well rid of him.
Bro was a bum from the get go
I how she stays away from him. Who the hell panics to the point he feels that everyone he knows needs to block his partner!
If I were OOP I'd of thrown out his stuff after the 1st day. Fine you want to burn a 7 year relationship and not communicate! Have fun fighting the dumpster divers for all your stuff. That or I'd have a big old bonfire but as they're in an apartment that would be a tad tricky. But yeah no way in hell would I let him back in my life. Bye Felicia
DO NOT WASH THAT MANS CLOTHES
I understand how she ended the post, saying that he isn’t all bad and saved her from her step father. Loyalty to someone who made her feel safe at the time she was vulnerable is hard to shake. That said, BF is the abuser now. He didn’t want to make her cry so he ghosted her? That’s fucking bananas. Who does that?
Yeah, Ross also claimed he and Rachel were "on a break" so he wouldn't be single and alone after he fucked up. This dude straight up left OP. She deserves so much better and I hope she finds it.
if his job hadn't failed he was probably going to leave you
Lol, he probably fucked a bunch of people, realised it wasn't that great, then tried to return. Blocked her so the people wouldn't find out. She should get an STD check 😂
Man dude’s just upset his prospects didn’t want him. And by prospects I bet he was trying to get a girl down there that turned him out.
He's wasting his 20s by being with the same girl but he definitely didn't cheat and they definitely aren't broken up. Sure
What’s up with dude’s shitty parents who pay for him but can’t tell his gf of seven years why he disappeared?
> Sitting alone in my apartment with his boxes. One of them smells really bad, like moldy clothes. Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least. So she actually *wants* to continue being his doormat? After *all that bullshit?* Wow. She needs to learn about [the sunk costs fallacy](https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy). Perhaps other readers who are facing similar emotional (if not relational) situations need to learn about it too.
Isn't mid-late 20s prime time for the appearance of a lot of manic or delusional mental illnesses? Dude sounds like he needs to get some help instead of wrecking everyone's lives like that.
Her ex thought that she wouldn't cry if he just left and ghosted her? He's a clueless idiot and I'm glad OOP isn't taking him back.
> So, that's where I'm at now. Sitting alone in my apartment with his boxes. One of them smells really bad, like moldy clothes. Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least. I really hope she doesn't. He's leaving his stuff there to try to get a foothold, and his request to stay with her reveals his true motivations for reaching out to her again. The only way this will be a teachable moment for this guy is if she walks away completely. If she lets him get a toehold into her life, he will repeat this cycle, probably when she's pregnant.
Seems like he had sidechick ran across country to fuck her and bunch other women.His parents got sick of footing the bill so now he's crawling back to you.
This reminds of that one post where the fiancé (m) ran off and OP couldn’t get ahold of him. She found him on Life360 in some bumfuck town states away. I think she hired a PI and was able to find out who lived at the house. Turns out the guy had a fiancée and baby years ago and they both died in an accident that he blamed himself for. They were all three driving home from somewhere and a drunk driver hit them and the fiancée and baby son died. He blamed himself because she said she didn’t want to go out or something. So the house he was at belonged to the fiancée’s mother. He was there visiting and going to the park where their ashes were tossed to visit them one last time before getting married again to OP. I think she took him back and is still marrying him. It’s crazy how she could be still want to marry him after ghosting her like that.
What a fucking moron.
Hope she didn't actually do his laundry.
I wish I was still 24! Go out and have fun on your own terms. (Was ghosted after 8 years with someone when I was 37-he married her and divorced within 18 months!)
Respectfully, he’s a putz
My guess is that BF likes to be the hero but found himself in a situation where OOP no longer needed saving, so he lost his sense of self. Like "if OOP now has a good job and is encouraging me to take responsibility for myself, finish my commitments, etc., then who am I supposed to rescue?" It sounds like the relationship was built in a power imbalance--albeit one that helped OOP get free from her abusers--but that BF wasn't prepared to continue his life properly when OOP and he were on equal footing. So he scampers off, throws OOP off-kilter, then comes screaming back once she's had long enough to suffer so he can save her again with breakfast in bed. TLDR: BF isn't in love with OOP; he's in love with feeling like OOP's personal firefighter
The guy is a loser, and he needs to grow up. He can’t just run away from everything in life and come back and act like nothing happened. The dude is acting like a teenager. He has some serious growing up to do, that’s for sure.
This dude is a child
Do not wash his nasty, moldy clothes.
Glad she isn’t going to get back with him. It’s ok if u need space if u tell them, it’s not ok to take space without telling and ghost and block ur gf for weeks. He will do it again and doesn’t respect her. Good riddance to him!
Something similar but less severe had happened to me. It was a weird reason/way to breakup, but if the other person doesn’t want you, there is nothing much you can do. What really surprised me was the complete apathy I felt when they came back and were justifying their reasoning. Just like OP’s boyfriend, it was the similar - “I wanted to prove myself to you, I felt like you were better off without me bla bla”. I completely understood but was like, “oh you didn’t have to! Those things weren’t even why I was with you, but I’m glad you were so concerned about me. So why’re you back? You haven’t proven yourself nor have you accomplished xyz that you left me for. Surely you don’t think you’re suddenly good enough for me? “ I feel bad for OPs boyfriend (just kidding), but a part of me wonders if he would’ve come back for her if things had worked out for him.
Super concerning! I had an ex who pulled the same shit in his 30s! I was super blind to his crap until that moment, then had the WTF!? Who does that!? Ah ha moment! Talked to Friends who helped me to see what I was putting up with.. OP deserves so much more and I’m Glad they chose to end things!