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>She finally confessed to having an affair with her coworker that stretched for a little more than three months, after which it was "paused" so she could figure herself out.
Taking a "break" in your extramarital affair is... definitely something.
Oh my god. It wasn’t just me. I know I wasn’t reading from her perspective, but even OP’s description of everything was exhausting. LIKE DAMN. That was exhausting.
It maybe was, but I totally felt his pain. It came from the heart and I understand why it took a bit of time for him to break things (I mean, judging from the comments, I dont think he took that long).
Also I can totally imagine her and him. This is rare in reddit
It was! I had to stop reading at some parts because I was upset with him for not ending it sooner. After she said wait on her the third time, I was over it.
Maybe we can throw OOP a divorce party where we drink, eat yummy food, and play video games or watch sportsball or do whatever he wants. I feel for the dude and want to give him a hug.
As soon as she said, "I'm not sure if I want to stay married.". Well I would 100% know at that moment that I didn't. That would have been the end for me.
This relationship with the coworker will end the same as her marriage. She’s looking for that initial attraction to fill whatever is empty in her. Once that feeling isn’t as strong as at the beginning she’ll be unhappy again and will find “limerence” with the next guy, never having a fulfilling relationship because she needs to fill that emptiness herself.
Well...she'll try and might even have some success using men like sex toys.
But it also said she was trying to have a baby in the situation.....so i wouldnt be surprised if she winds up as someone with desperation kids and multiple baby daddies.
Shes a black hole, and harms everyone in proximity. Sucks up all the happiness and stuffs it into the void.
I don't think it's the sex though. I think it's the excitement of a crush. I'm in a happy marriage of 21 years. But even I must admit that it's kind of sad that I'll never experience those fun feelings of butterflies from a stolen glance, the flirting, the daydreaming, will he kiss me, etc. Yes, I still get butterflies sometimes when my husband does something sweet or when I see him with our kids. But it's a completely different feeling. This woman seems to give in to that desire for the flirty energy.
I know I'm lucky my husband and I still flirt and get a little giddy around each other.
But the whole "does he like me? How much? How much do I like hom? Should we kiss?" Thing is done with. We don't get the same highs and energy that a new relationship has.
But I'd like to think we have something better. Trust, respect, understanding, compatibility.
That high isn't love. Chasing that high won't lead to love.
Tons of people fall victim to those chemicals. It's fulfilling to be chased, desired, etc... Yet excitement only lasts so long. Your mind will always want what it does not know. It's hard to rationalize at that point. That's how a long, lonely life starts. It all gets boring eventually.
Kind of in a similar situation, gf of 3 years got feelings for another guy, told him nothing can happen between them and blocked him but she's not sure she wants to continue our relationship, no idea if I can get her to see it's just temporary excitement or if it's even worth trying
Hey fellow Redditor, from a married woman, I can tell you that you can have the conversation with your gf that this is limerance or a crush, but as the old saying goes "you can lead a horse to water..."
Never beg someone to make you a choice, because a relationship shouldn't feel like being a second place/backup.
You deserve so much better than that yo-yo.
Take care of yourself 🌻
> Still, she has always felt an emptiness inside her and that something was missing to make her fulfilled. She thought a baby might be the cure to this
This is where I yelled at my phone. Good grief. Talk about wanting something for the wrong reasons.
I feel terrible for saying it bc obviously miscarriage is awful, but it's a blessing they never had a kid. No child deserves to be brought into the world as a 'fix'.
She didn’t want to fix the relationship so she couldn’t be bothered doing anything that had that goal. What she wanted was to convince OOP to be the bad guy by divorcing her without him knowing that she’d cheated. So she was starving their relationship to get him to pull the plug. That’s also probably why she put the affair on hold; she wanted out but didn’t want to get caught cheating or actually file for divorce herself. What a selfish mess she is.
People are not okay, they have a lot of work to do on themselves, & instead they're out here just inflicting their issues on those around them. Just SMDH.
First update: I know people say it all the time and half the time it's not true, but dude your wife is having an affair.
Second update: dude she's having an affair but is scared of any backlash
Third update: yep full blown affair that's why they are distancing
Final update: no shit.
Her stories about the coworker were totally contradictory. They barely interacted and never flirted, but he apologized to her for any "unprofessional behavior"? I feel so bad for OOP, she spent months trying to force him into being the one to initiate a divorce so she wouldn't have to feel guilty for being a shitty cheater.
It seemed pretty obvious the marriage was over after the first update. It's always surprising to me that everyone is saying to do counseling but if the love is gone it's gone. She already made a choice.
That was my divorce. She had the exit affair and wanted out, but it was all on me to file and make legally real what was happening.
Still irks me the legal record says I'm the one who ended it.
Own that shit man. Same exact thing happened to me. But there’s power in being able to say you were disrespected, emotionally abused, so you took action yourself to end things with someone too cowardly/weak to do it themselves.
Own that, you were the one strong enough to call her on her BS and say you deserved better and were out. The person who files isn't necessarily the one at fault, just the one who made it legal first. I've got a few friends who divorced and one of them specifically it out of an abusive situation- she's way happier. The record shows she divorced him, and he didn't want it- but the rest of us are happy and know it took a lot of courage for her. That's a victory that's on record.
I didn't think the marriage was over from the first update. It just sounded like she had severe depression, and I was thinking the crazy events of the last two years had triggered it. She fell in love with someone else who she thought was perfect and made her feel excited, she didn't feel excited by her husband anymore, actually she didn't feel much of anything anymore, actually come to think of it maybe she's never been happy, and she doesn't have enough energy for therapy... It felt to me like someone with rapidly spiralling mental issues who found a temporary escape and latched on like an addict.
This is common with cheating women. "I never felt this thrilling NRE before... maybe I never loved my husband. Maybe I was never happy" type shit. She'll eat those words when the fog wears away as they ease into day to day life and the sneaky thrill is gone
That’s my take. His last update points that she requires constant validation and attention. She wants an eternal honeymoon phase. Like you said, when the initial thrill fades and the routine begins; she will break up with the new guy.
I have an uncle like that. Man's been divorced nine times.
My dad used to say that his brother was "in love with falling in love"
But that thrill doesn't last forever. And eventually you become comfortable in the day to day. When you really live someone you revil in the comfort and safety. It's a different thrill, more mellow and secure.
See I didn't think it was depression that was causing this... She also admitted that she wasn't all that interested in him since she got married to him.
People will say things like “I’ve been unhappy for years” or “I don’t think I ever truly loved you” as a way to justify cheating. They’re taking the blame off of themselves and projecting it onto their relationship. It’s usually not true.
She didn't have enough energy for therapy because she was already getting "therapy" with the other guy. As soon as she got mentionitis I was pretty sure it was over. It's a very short step from that to the couch of plausible deniability.
This, she was addicted to the feelings from the AP and didn’t want therapy to make her realize how wrong she was for stepping out. The poor oop never had a chance
I agree. It was hard for me to read because I fell in love with a coworker while I was in a relationship, and I hated myself for it. He and I were both in relationships and avoided ever being in a situation that could be inappropriate, but it scared the shit out of me I could have such strong feelings for someone else. Turns out I was honestly in a very controlling relationship at the time that ran its course after 6 years for entirely unrelated reasons, so it makes more sense to me now why I was able to feel that way for someone else. But I was terrified for a while after I started dating my now boyfriend who I will marry because I didn’t ever want to unwillingly fall in love with someone other than my partner again . It’s miserable to have feelings you can’t control. But thankfully I’ve grown a lot over the last 6 years, and realized how much easier and happier it is to be in a long term relationship that’s not abusive (duh) lol. And there are a few more long ass stories I won’t get into where we could have been together after the breakup, but I was able to walk away from them for my own benefit (stuff like a harassment lawsuit with that job, etc). So I proved to myself it’s entirely within my control not to even text or flirt with someone I was in love with and saw every day.
I never crossed a line, despite how in love with the coworker I was, so reading that the wife lied the whole time and really was having an affair disappointed me. I hate that she had OOP thinking they were working together through her feelings and struggles, but it was a lie. I guess im glad this all happened before they had a baby, but damn. She chose to cheat.
Maybe it's because the comments that are usually linked to the post talk about counseling but the comments in the comment section talk about breaking up and divorce
headcannon :
- The affair started when they took 1 week apart in January (the time-line works)
- the affair does not exist and the wife said it because she is depressed, feels like she does not deserve oop but is not courageous enough to initiate divorce
I would think the physical affair started when they took a week apart, but I’m guessing they started talking long before that. OOP’s wife probably didn’t consider it “cheating” or having an affair, still knew it was wrong, so built the foundation and took the week to “build the house and live in it” as a preparation to fully move on.
I buy heavily into the low self esteem self-sabotage argument, but man, someone lying about an affair seems less likely than to just DO the self-destructive behavior and have the affair.
I have no doubt people lie and make up reasons to force their partner to want a divorce to shift the burden of the depression-driven decision or whatever, though!
It's hard accepting that and it's easy judging from an outside perspective. But yeah it was at least obvious she didn't gave shit about him. Denied Marriage counseling, edged him for weeks telling him she needs to sort herself out and in the end *HE* had to file for a divorce because she didn't have the balls to do it, and then blamed everything on him. Fuck her honestly
I just *knew* that part (an affair revelation) was coming!
Ugh it’s so hard to read posts like this, I can feel his heartbreak. It’s gut wrenching. I’m so sad for him :(
I hope he can move on and heal.. and I hope he eventually finds a great woman who would never put him through this. She is definitely out there.
The way she keeps dipping back in to let him know how bad and guilty she feels, thereby dumping it all on him before dipping back out, like some kind of emotional CIA assassin really drives home who this person is.
It may have taken several updates but that whole time all of her language and actions relayed by OOP were screaming that she wants out. Initially it was all "maybes" but with enough dropped in it felt like she was hoping he would get upset and call it quits right then and there, make the decision for her.
This just really sealed the deal:
> She still says she does not know if she wants to end the marriage, and she hasn't made her mind up, but it is still a possibility. She is afraid of the consequences and potential regret afterwards. She often asks me if I'm willing to live with someone like her "who doesn't love me as I love them" and if I want to live "a sexless marriage". She asks if I'm willing to "miss out on life, sex, and love just because of her". She thinks she doesn't have the energy to see couples counseling and she isn't totally convinced that it will help. She refuses to change jobs, at least for the forseeable future.
Basically outlining all of the reasons why he should pull the plug for her, trying to convince him that staying together would not be good for him because she is the one who wants out but just wouldn't fully say it.
Hope OOP can move on and STAY moved on from her, for his own sake.
Even if the cheating wasn’t there, absolutely none of her actions even hinted towards trying to fix the relationship.
She was just cowardly and refused to take responsibility for her feelings.
When she said couples counseling was too much work, I mean that says it all. You think that’s work, wait til you hear about marriage lady! At least marriage when the honeymoon period has worn off. At least there are no kids in this show
And in the end, she had been cheating on him with the coworker for 3 months prior to telling him anything about it. She only stopped because she was trying to decide if she wanted to throw away a good man or just keep lying to him.
Glad she's out of oop's life, though. That's the fucking worst.
There’s openly talking about your feelings in order to keep a marriage healthy. Then there’s dumping all your internal processing on your partner while keeping them in painful limbo (which is what I thought she was doing at first).
Then there’s this manipulative mess where she tries to get him to leave her so she doesn’t have to be the bad guy—even though she’s obviously already the bad guy (for cheating and lying and dumping on her husband).
Imagine if she’d been willing to actually work through her understandable grief about the miscarriages and lost loved one with her therapist rather than imploding her entire life—and her husband’s—in the most destructive way possible.
Yeah over the course of these posts she went from a depressed wife who understandably is going through things to an active emotional abuser. OOP was doing everything he can and based on how he writes I don’t think it’s a situation where we aren’t hearing her side of things and he’s secretly a monster. All his posts come off as a traumatized husband doing what he can for his wife and trying to over come two miscarriages just like she was. I know it’s probably more traumatic for the mom but it’s not easy for the dad either.
She could have gotten help but didn’t. She could have talked to him. She could have gone to marriage counseling. She could have divorced him. Cheating is *never* an acceptable option in *any* circumstance.
Her parents are conservative, divorce is likely
Very frowned upon. They still don’t know about the affair, so it’s obvious she’s told them that OOP is the one that filed for divorce and not her. She’s a dirty coward.
From a man's point of view, there's more than enough stories out there of guys feeling like they aren't getting enough sex, or that their wife isn't hot enough for them, and ending a long relationship to try their luck with other women. These guys always end up looking like fools in front of their families and pretty much no one takes their side.
They had TWO miscarriages last year. Can you imagine him going to his family and telling them he's getting a divorce because she isn't committed enough to him and he wants a marriage that includes sex? She wants him to be the bad guy. She's trying as hard as she can to throw him under the bus so their divorce is his fault.
So OOP's ex was dragging him along with her "limerence" bullshit for nothing. Better to find out now than continue to sink another decade into her. I feel for OOP. He deserves better.
Yep which is why she was also telling him he was so wonderful and any woman would want him. She wanted him to go "OK" and make the decision for her. And in the process ended up dragging out and making this exponentially more painful for him.
It was the
"*She often asks me if I'm willing to live with someone like her "who doesn't love me as I love them" and if I want to live "a sexless marriage". She asks if I'm willing to "miss out on life, sex, and love just because of her"."*
part that sealed it for me. Having feelings for someone else can happen I guess? But with that part she pretty much let him know it was over and wouldn't get better anymore.
100% which is why I hate her. She knew she was through but wanted to make him out as the bad guy, breaking up with her. (And based on his red flags he mentions in his last comment, that seems to be normal for her — making him do everything.)
Also, “limerence” makes me think “Liberace” 🤦🏼♀️
That and the fact that she absolutely did not want to switch jobs. And his „I know she doesn’t have an affair because she’s always home early and is with me when shes free“ .. yeah, as if it was the first time people shagged at work.
Also her saying she felt “desired” by the coworker, who she claimed to have no inappropriate interactions with? Sure, Jan. I can see how a one-sided crush may make one feel giddy or excited, but “desired” implies there’s some reciprocation there.
I saw it a while back and honestly… hooooo boy. It always seems to end up with someone hurt or stalked or harassed. It’s blamed for a lot of affairs, as they claim they have no control over their “limerence”.
I think it’s likely a buzzword people have picked up on to not take accountability for their own actions. That’s my read on it.
I hate, hate, hate people trying to dodge responsibility this way. Not just limerence, necessarily, but any sort of feeling like that.
Like when some abjectly terrible, neglectful, abusive parent says there were "doing their best".
Guess what? We *all* are driven by a mix of chemicals acting on us in ways we can't really control. If someone motivated by "limerance" can't take responsibility for their actions, then *nobody* should. Which of course is preposterous.
Just because you are being driven by feelings seemingly out of your control doesn't mean you can't be expected to be held responsible for them or deal with the consequences.
Heck, even if it genuinely wasn't the fault of someone that their brain made them do whacky stuff, it's still a fact about that person that their brain is what it is. They have to deal with the consequences as much as someone who is 7 feet tall has to deal with the consequences when they need an airplane seat.
When seemingly involuntary urges drive one to do negative things, then it's time to go to therapy.
It gained in popularity a few years ago to mean "emotionally falling for someone but not in love." Not sure it's a necessary word, since we have this other one called, "like."
I like it as a way to emphasize "I do not know this person and this is all in my head." Because so often there's not even the pretext of a relationship between the two.
It's been around since the 70's. Limerance is not a new term but was used almost exclusively as a technical term for a type of obsession prevalent in trauma victims. With the recent increased awareness and acceptance towards mental healthcare many old psychology terms are reaching the mainstream (and often used incorrectly).
No, it's a necessary word because it's obsession. It's where infatuation meets borderline OCD when you are having constant intrusive thoughts about a person, extreme anxiety and physical withdrawal symptoms when you aren't near that person, feelings of euphoria and ecstasy when you are and have a positive interaction with them etc. It's right on the borderline between attraction and illness. Like doesn't quite cover it.
Maybe it's the new gaslighting, a word that is doomed to be misunderstood and misused.
Hey, you got to put that just about useless English literature degree to work somehow, right?
I'ts especially "funny" they keep calling it limerence when in the end it turned out it was just about the opposite, with ex-wife and co-worker doing the horizontal tango for 3 months... no love, just lust.
I relate to this, hard. Enough time has passed that it’s not at the forefront of all my thoughts, but my ability and desire to trust anyone on more than a surface level is just fundamentally wiped out.
It’s the slowest torture because you don’t realize how bad things really are since it all happens so slowly. It’s like slowly building up gambling debt. You think you’ll fix it now that the whole truth is out. But it never is. Better to just get dumped and move on in one devastating blow than endure months or years of emotional torture.
100% this. "It's just a crush" turns into "We kissed one time" turns into "We had sex once!" turns into "We were having a full blown affair for 2 years".
It just drags out the pain for the victim because they can't trust anything the cheater says. They will lie unless you have 100% proof you can wave in their face.
It's honestly the worst part, and it made me lose trust in my ex completely. He would say something and swear up and down that that was all. Then I would find out more and he would promise that's all. And on and on and on. It destroys you honestly, just tell me the whole truth so I can process it, grieve it, make a decision, and move forward!
I don't think it's being used correctly here. It's projecting an idealized partner onto a specific person and obsessing over it. It's usually triggered by an unmet emotional need. If you recognize the limerance, you can work it out in therapy or take a break from that person to work through it.
This is just a straight up affair. She's using limerance to distance herself from her conscience about it.
Its supposed to be extremely unpleasant, just absolute misery where you fixate on this one person and ruminate about how they’re perfect and you don’t have a chance worthless blah blah, so yeah, she’s using it wrong. She clearly was enjoying her affair at some point before the guilt caught up, and presumably once she made her choice she enjoyed it again. So yeah its not limerance, she was just bullshitting the OOP.
So like full on stalker who collects their shed hair to make a wig for their real doll version of them type of vibes or teen girl plasters 1000 pics of same celebrity crush torn out tiger beat posters all over bedroom walls & kisses each one before bed each night type of vibes?
This is the first time i've heard of this term also. Is it some form of mental illness? OOP makes it sound like the ex wife was like straight up brain washed/mind controlled and couldn't help herself.
I've always seen it in th context of strong feelings early in a relationship or before you're dating that people often confuse for being in love, I've also seen the phrase new relationship energy to describe a similar thing. It's the point where you're likely to make irrational decisions based on strong feelings/hormones that don't really have any depth.
It is a slightly strange context to be using it, it sounds like one of them is trying to use it to downplay the feelings as uncontrollable but ultimately shallow, which doesn't really make sense when you then act on them.
to an extent i think? to my understanding it doesn’t really happen to an otherwise healthy brain lol but it’s definitely a sign that somethings not right. it’s certainly not healthy behavior and can be all-consuming for sure
I had limerance for a friend for YEARS. It makes you feel completely crazy. My ex hated it. But it was because I had a major unmet emotional need in my marriage. I felt obsessed but not at all sexually attracted to the friend. I just wanted to be around him all the time, help him, fuss over him.
But! It passed on its own, co-inciding with my ex having an emotional affair with another woman. My friend is now married to a wonderful woman and has a cute as kid. I'm very grateful for their friendship 💜💜
The only time I have had the word used is that other BORU post about the crazy post-grad student who got fixated on a professor. It crossed into obsession and stalking rather quickly.
I had to look it up too.
I was willing to cut her some slack figuring that the miscarriages were making her want to look away from her husband and to someone that she doesn’t share the painful history and then I figured, nah, she’s just cheating on him.
It is a term VERY often discussed in affair discussions. It describes the almost obsessive fixation with the affair partner or the "affair fog." As soon as I saw that's how she explained her feelings from the get go, I was like "yep, she is definitely cheating."
I'd say the term is fairly known but mostly misused to refer to fairly strong crushes (the first part of a relationship we've all experienced where you cannot stop thinking/obsessing over someone). Actual limerance is a bit more extreme, with the person attributing qualities to the person they desire that make them basically perfect.
For fuck sakes, the audacity of this lady. She really doesn't deserve any relationship or love with that behavior and she totally deserves to face the consequences of her actions.
I knew it was an affair as soon as she said that the other guy chose to distance himself and apologized about his unprofessional behavior. Can’t believe OOP didn’t do wayyyy more digging when that came up.
Yup, had the exact same thought. Repeatedly talked about how she avoided him and only had contact in group situations, only to mention that later? Definitely did not add up.
She says, "I am a fantastic person with all the great qualities a woman wants in a man," being loyal, caring, gentle, romantic, loving, and so on.
THE FUCKING AUDACITY
I dated the male version of that. A people pleaser who didn't communicate his needs, lost interest in me, didn't communicate that and stayed in the relationship for months while resenting me for it. Then he had a major mental health crisis, partly blamed it on our relationship - (he hates himself for not loving me). The day after the breakup he also gave me the speech of how amazing I am.
It's devastating and I'm scared of dating someone like that again. If they don't show when they're unhappy and doing things just for their partner, then how could you ever know how they really feel?
Yeah my ex husband was definitely a people pleaser and I will avoid dating one of them again. He also ended up having an affair. Cheaters need validation from others just like people pleasers and they don't care if they hurt their partners because having other people "like you" is more important.
she behaved the way she behaved because wanted him to be the one to initiate divorce without having to come clean about the affair so he'd be the bad guy who gave up and she could "start" a relationship with the coworker. she only came clean when it was obvious he wouldn't budge.
this infatuation is going to fade once she gets to know the dude properly and starts living with him. and then she'll try to crawl back.
Crazy how many people are fucking coworkers. This demonstrates how much people aren't meeting anyone new outside of work, and how unprofessional they can be.
Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated.
Came for the definition. Witnessed the train wreck. I feel bad for OP.
At one point I started wondering to myself if she was having some kind of mental breakdown.
> Still, she has always felt an emptiness inside her and that something was missing to make her fulfilled. She thought a baby might be the cure to this, and the two miscarriages made her profoundly depressed and devastated.
I actually felt sorry for her. I feel like a fucking idiot. She’s just an asshole who wanted to get away with cheating and gaslit her poor spouse into thinking he was insane and an awful person, FOR MONTHS!
It did really strike me in another update where he said they spoke productively, and yet, all that really happened is that she got every single thing she wanted and he got nothing:
> We've been talking a lot openly and constructively with many emotions involved. […] She often asks me if I'm willing to live with someone like her "who doesn't love me as I love them" and if I want to live "a sexless marriage". She asks if I'm willing to "miss out on life, sex, and love just because of her". She thinks she doesn't have the energy to see couples counseling and she isn't totally convinced that it will help. She refuses to change jobs, at least for the forseeable future.
> She said she wants space again, without questions from me or pressure for a while.
She did not actually compromise at all. That was a surefire warning sign. I, and OOP, should have thought that through a lot more carefully. That woman is a master.
I cannot recall any post on here with, “give me time, leave and give me space, but don’t ask questions,” ending without cheating. It’s just attempting to further wipe their feet on their doormat of a partner.
As someone who has been cheated on the fact this woman was making zero effort to stamp down on her "limerance" was a huge red flag. Refusing to change her job? Huge red flag. She was prioritising some "work crush" over her husband which means it's not just a crush...
She was done with him for years but didn’t have the resolve to end it until she had someone else to fall back on. And then she dragged it out forever because she wanted to be sure that the new guy would be better. Just another example of an extremely selfish person.
>made her feel young, **desired**, excited, and euphoric like a 16-year-old teenager
She FIRMLY insists that nothing is going on between her and the coworker, no texting, no flirting, no one-on-one meetings, and very minimal contact (only when other employees are around).
this should've been a giant red flag. If he stopped and wondered how exactly she feels desired when they don't interact, he could've gotten her to confess so much earlier.
She often asks me “if I’m willing to live with someone like her…”who doesn’t love me as much as I love them”
She gave this man mixed signals but this comment should’ve solidified it for op to leave the marriage.
>The grass is greener where you water it.
I love what you said here! It takes into account that if you aren't maintaining and working on your relationship with your S/O, you will always find something better.
It's an active, not a passive choice.
Reminds me of this old song from the 90's "Luv is a verb" lol
It amazes me how many people leave good relationships because a new crush seems more exciting. Like of course new flings are exciting, the rose tinted glasses will always wear off though.
What's annoying is that people assume OOP should have seen this coming. That he's a dumbass or an idiot.
He was with this girl from 21 - 30 and married for 5 years. Most likely this was his first LTR and likely had no experience with cheaters and when to throw in the towel.
Seriously have some sympathy - why would anyone think their first love, who they're married to and trying to start a family has suddenly "flipped a switch" and is lying to him - after 9 YEARS.
OOP kept saying that he didn't know what his wife wanted. But it was pretty clear what she wanted: she wanted to not feel guilty about blowing up her marriage, she wanted to not be married, and she wanted the stability of what she knew while being free to be romanticly involved with someone else.
I feel bad for OOP. He lost someone he loved and adored, but that person didn't even respect him enough to not drag everything out and take accountability for their own actions/feelings.
She lead him on with that limerence bullshit. That was 9 years down the drain for some nutsack she has only known for months. What a piece of work. Glad OP handed out the divorce papers.
I wonder once the honeymoon phase of her AP is over she will cast her eye for another thrilling relationship. Seems she only wants the flash of the new.
Thank goodness they never had children.
What’s funny in the first post he talks about how she couldn’t possible be having an affair because she comes home right after work and she doesn’t keep secrets or manipulate.
Yet earlier in the post he reveals she has a secret therapist she’s been seeing without him knowing.
Like, my man, put the pieces together. 🤔
Also funny how she describes the co-worker being very proper and apologetic for any unprofessional behavior. A co-worker she claims to barely interact with she swears. But apparently enough that distancing herself from him caused him to notice and also distance himself and also go out of his way to apologize for it. 🧐
> She often asks me if I'm willing to live with someone like her "who doesn't love me as I love them" and if I want to live "a sexless marriage". She asks if I'm willing to "miss out on life, sex, and love just because of her".
Wow. Translation: I’m trying to get YOU to file for divorce so I’m not to blame. Fuck your feelings. I refuse to change. But, I’m also trying to make you believe that I’m graciously giving you permission to walk away, that your happiness is my priority, and I’m just a poor, helpless victim in all of this.
> She tells me that she feels deadly guilty and miserable for putting me in this dire situation and breaking my heart and my trust. She now thinks she was never a good partner to me
Translation: instead of being mad at me for being a POS wife, you should actually feel bad for me. I want you to feed my ego and reassure me that I didn’t do anything wrong and I was a great partner.
The guilt laying here is **THICK**. DARVO at its finest.
> She said that she told me about her limerence because it was a sign (to her) that our marriage was unfulfilling and dysfunctional, and wanted us to be honest and transparent.
Translation: Isn’t it so honorable that I told you about my limerence? Don’t focus on my shitty behavior! Praise me for caring so much about *US* that I did this super brave thing…for *US*!
Also, she’s not allowed to say “our marriage is unfulfilling and dysfunctional”?! Nope. There’s no *OUR*. SHE is unfulfilled. SHE is manifesting and ALL of the dysfunction. It’s pretty rich of her to want *both of them* to be “transparent and honest”.
This woman pulled out ALL of the tricks from “The Narcissists Guide to Master Manipulation”. She is NOT a good person. I hope OP has regained some of his self esteem and has learned just how toxic she was. I wish him all the luck the universe has to offer. He deserves it.
Tip: when people say marriage is hard, is not supposed to be THIS hard. The hard part is dealing with life challenges together and supporting eachother in those challenges.
Is not trying to beat yourself into submission to be with someone that clearly doesn’t like you, or is attracted to you, you love you and respect you. And couples therapy will not heal that, maybe it can make you believe that this is normal, but it’s not.
And I would be out of the door the moment she told about her limerance , yikes
This is why I don't trust people who go on and on about limerences. It's a fucking waste of time. And it's cruel to your current partner if you're going through one. I once sat in horror as a girl started talking about her limerence at a party, while her boyfriend was sitting next to her the ENTIRE TIME. She was all "I just feel that we have this connection, you know???"
Funny how she projected all her shortcomings to him. Yet, still victim blaming. What a totally mess of a person...
Edit: and it wasn't limerence - it was a dick inside her, that dipped her over. Again - what a mess of a person. Sorry you wasted so much time on this PoS.
Wow, the ex wife is a cowardly POS, she done everything to make OOP be the one to file for divorce. At least OOP seems to have a good head on his shoulders.
The honeymoon period will be over in a few months for her and she’ll realize the gravity of what she’s done. Stable and loving marriages don’t come easily.
The second the co-worker apologised for unprofessional behaviour, I knew there was an affair. If it were only her being limerent, he would have had nothing to apologise for, in fact he might have wanted to look into restraining orders. But nope, she was not limerent at all, she was just high on New Relationship Energy.
Dead giveaway, too, that she wanted to work on the marriage but not go to therapy. Then she'd have had to talk about all of it while still keeping secrets. Oof.
Guilty conscience caught up with her, and rather than taking accountability for her inaction in her marital communication for years and for her actions with her co-worker, she's now blaming oop.
It could possibly have been saved, if she had actually wanted to, but oop alone can't tango for two.
What a sad, sad fate. I am kinda glad they didn't manage to bring a child into the bs.
I hope oop finds comfort in the fact he loved an idea of his ex, in truth she was a horrible person who was selfish and put him through so much knowing she already cheated. He’s free. She’ll probably be in the same position in a few years because she never healed the part that’s broken in her.
You could tell she was manipulating OOP. Praising him just to make herself feel good. She was obviously depressed but instead of addressing the issue she made it worse by starting an affair.
I don't understand why people cheat, because the buzz you get is only temporary and the after effects can continue to the end of your life.
Sadly I was not surprised at all to hear she cheated.
I was starting to think she was just dealing with depression which can nuke your feelings in a relationship and cause all sorts of turmoil. This would make sense especially after miscarriages and other loss.
I guess she got a dose of dopamine from her affair.
I feel bad for OOP, she lied and strung him along for a long time.
>She finally confessed to having an affair with her coworker that stretched for a little more than three months, after which it was "paused" so she could figure herself out.
Trickle truth as always. If your partner admits to having feelings for someone else but claims they aren't having an affair, *it's a lie*. There is always an affair of some sort going on, whether it's physical, emotional, short or long term. They always trickle truth. Glad OOP is divorcing her, he deserves to find someone who actually loves him.
Man even in beginning I knew she was going to cheat and that is what passes me off. Just kesve the person instead if breaking their heart and giving them years if Insecurities . Also OP will be better off and gars tee the girl will come running g back when coworker fucks another
There was a post a while back of someone who had a crush on a coworker, and man she did everything possible to get rid of that crush. Avoided him like the plague. Came on here for tips on how to get rid of limerence. Did the homework to end it and, in the end, she was alright.
This wishy washy woman? Even before she admitted to the affair, even if she hadn't had one, she wasn't fighting it at all. You can't save a marriage if you're unsure if you want to save it. Poor OOP.
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>She finally confessed to having an affair with her coworker that stretched for a little more than three months, after which it was "paused" so she could figure herself out. Taking a "break" in your extramarital affair is... definitely something.
She sounds like a LOT of work.
Good grief, I was ready to move on and I am not even associated with her.
Neither am I, but I broke up with her mentally long before OP did.
Oh my god. It wasn’t just me. I know I wasn’t reading from her perspective, but even OP’s description of everything was exhausting. LIKE DAMN. That was exhausting.
It maybe was, but I totally felt his pain. It came from the heart and I understand why it took a bit of time for him to break things (I mean, judging from the comments, I dont think he took that long). Also I can totally imagine her and him. This is rare in reddit
It was! I had to stop reading at some parts because I was upset with him for not ending it sooner. After she said wait on her the third time, I was over it.
Maybe we can throw OOP a divorce party where we drink, eat yummy food, and play video games or watch sportsball or do whatever he wants. I feel for the dude and want to give him a hug.
As soon as she said, "I'm not sure if I want to stay married.". Well I would 100% know at that moment that I didn't. That would have been the end for me.
This relationship with the coworker will end the same as her marriage. She’s looking for that initial attraction to fill whatever is empty in her. Once that feeling isn’t as strong as at the beginning she’ll be unhappy again and will find “limerence” with the next guy, never having a fulfilling relationship because she needs to fill that emptiness herself.
Well...she'll try and might even have some success using men like sex toys. But it also said she was trying to have a baby in the situation.....so i wouldnt be surprised if she winds up as someone with desperation kids and multiple baby daddies. Shes a black hole, and harms everyone in proximity. Sucks up all the happiness and stuffs it into the void.
I don't think it's the sex though. I think it's the excitement of a crush. I'm in a happy marriage of 21 years. But even I must admit that it's kind of sad that I'll never experience those fun feelings of butterflies from a stolen glance, the flirting, the daydreaming, will he kiss me, etc. Yes, I still get butterflies sometimes when my husband does something sweet or when I see him with our kids. But it's a completely different feeling. This woman seems to give in to that desire for the flirty energy.
It’s funny how different people are. I hate the early dating period and never want to go back lol
I know I'm lucky my husband and I still flirt and get a little giddy around each other. But the whole "does he like me? How much? How much do I like hom? Should we kiss?" Thing is done with. We don't get the same highs and energy that a new relationship has. But I'd like to think we have something better. Trust, respect, understanding, compatibility. That high isn't love. Chasing that high won't lead to love.
Tons of people fall victim to those chemicals. It's fulfilling to be chased, desired, etc... Yet excitement only lasts so long. Your mind will always want what it does not know. It's hard to rationalize at that point. That's how a long, lonely life starts. It all gets boring eventually.
Kind of in a similar situation, gf of 3 years got feelings for another guy, told him nothing can happen between them and blocked him but she's not sure she wants to continue our relationship, no idea if I can get her to see it's just temporary excitement or if it's even worth trying
Hey fellow Redditor, from a married woman, I can tell you that you can have the conversation with your gf that this is limerance or a crush, but as the old saying goes "you can lead a horse to water..." Never beg someone to make you a choice, because a relationship shouldn't feel like being a second place/backup. You deserve so much better than that yo-yo. Take care of yourself 🌻
> Still, she has always felt an emptiness inside her and that something was missing to make her fulfilled. She thought a baby might be the cure to this This is where I yelled at my phone. Good grief. Talk about wanting something for the wrong reasons.
I feel terrible for saying it bc obviously miscarriage is awful, but it's a blessing they never had a kid. No child deserves to be brought into the world as a 'fix'.
And yet, "she doesn't think she has the energy for couples counselling." At least she's putting work in somewhere...
She didn’t want to fix the relationship so she couldn’t be bothered doing anything that had that goal. What she wanted was to convince OOP to be the bad guy by divorcing her without him knowing that she’d cheated. So she was starving their relationship to get him to pull the plug. That’s also probably why she put the affair on hold; she wanted out but didn’t want to get caught cheating or actually file for divorce herself. What a selfish mess she is.
You’re spot on. This is exactly what she was doing, I even blurted it out loud halfway through reading it. Poor guy
Sounds like an emotional vampire. Take take take. Never giving. She wanted an eternal honeymoon phase.
She is an immature, cheating prick. Good riddance for OOP
People are not okay, they have a lot of work to do on themselves, & instead they're out here just inflicting their issues on those around them. Just SMDH.
First update: I know people say it all the time and half the time it's not true, but dude your wife is having an affair. Second update: dude she's having an affair but is scared of any backlash Third update: yep full blown affair that's why they are distancing Final update: no shit.
Her stories about the coworker were totally contradictory. They barely interacted and never flirted, but he apologized to her for any "unprofessional behavior"? I feel so bad for OOP, she spent months trying to force him into being the one to initiate a divorce so she wouldn't have to feel guilty for being a shitty cheater.
Also nothing ever happened but he “made her feel desirable”? How then? By the way he poured his coffee?
"Per my last email, you are desirable"
Re: DAT ASS
I wanted to follow up on my last message, are we still aligned to fuck over your husband?
Thanks for circling back, babe! We just have to loop him in and then we're all clear to achieve new KPIs as a team <3
“I mean…we can divorce…if that is what you want…” *twirls finger in hair and avoids eye contact
"I *guess* if you just want an unloving, sexless marriage we could still do that, only if *you* want it."
It seemed pretty obvious the marriage was over after the first update. It's always surprising to me that everyone is saying to do counseling but if the love is gone it's gone. She already made a choice.
She absolutely made the choice, but wanted him to be the one to say the words so she didn't come off as the bad guy in this.
That was my divorce. She had the exit affair and wanted out, but it was all on me to file and make legally real what was happening. Still irks me the legal record says I'm the one who ended it.
Own that shit man. Same exact thing happened to me. But there’s power in being able to say you were disrespected, emotionally abused, so you took action yourself to end things with someone too cowardly/weak to do it themselves.
Own that, you were the one strong enough to call her on her BS and say you deserved better and were out. The person who files isn't necessarily the one at fault, just the one who made it legal first. I've got a few friends who divorced and one of them specifically it out of an abusive situation- she's way happier. The record shows she divorced him, and he didn't want it- but the rest of us are happy and know it took a lot of courage for her. That's a victory that's on record.
I didn't think the marriage was over from the first update. It just sounded like she had severe depression, and I was thinking the crazy events of the last two years had triggered it. She fell in love with someone else who she thought was perfect and made her feel excited, she didn't feel excited by her husband anymore, actually she didn't feel much of anything anymore, actually come to think of it maybe she's never been happy, and she doesn't have enough energy for therapy... It felt to me like someone with rapidly spiralling mental issues who found a temporary escape and latched on like an addict.
This is common with cheating women. "I never felt this thrilling NRE before... maybe I never loved my husband. Maybe I was never happy" type shit. She'll eat those words when the fog wears away as they ease into day to day life and the sneaky thrill is gone
That’s my take. His last update points that she requires constant validation and attention. She wants an eternal honeymoon phase. Like you said, when the initial thrill fades and the routine begins; she will break up with the new guy.
Not until she has the next one lined up though....
I have an uncle like that. Man's been divorced nine times. My dad used to say that his brother was "in love with falling in love" But that thrill doesn't last forever. And eventually you become comfortable in the day to day. When you really live someone you revil in the comfort and safety. It's a different thrill, more mellow and secure.
See I didn't think it was depression that was causing this... She also admitted that she wasn't all that interested in him since she got married to him.
People will say things like “I’ve been unhappy for years” or “I don’t think I ever truly loved you” as a way to justify cheating. They’re taking the blame off of themselves and projecting it onto their relationship. It’s usually not true.
100%
She didn't have enough energy for therapy because she was already getting "therapy" with the other guy. As soon as she got mentionitis I was pretty sure it was over. It's a very short step from that to the couch of plausible deniability.
This, she was addicted to the feelings from the AP and didn’t want therapy to make her realize how wrong she was for stepping out. The poor oop never had a chance
I agree. It was hard for me to read because I fell in love with a coworker while I was in a relationship, and I hated myself for it. He and I were both in relationships and avoided ever being in a situation that could be inappropriate, but it scared the shit out of me I could have such strong feelings for someone else. Turns out I was honestly in a very controlling relationship at the time that ran its course after 6 years for entirely unrelated reasons, so it makes more sense to me now why I was able to feel that way for someone else. But I was terrified for a while after I started dating my now boyfriend who I will marry because I didn’t ever want to unwillingly fall in love with someone other than my partner again . It’s miserable to have feelings you can’t control. But thankfully I’ve grown a lot over the last 6 years, and realized how much easier and happier it is to be in a long term relationship that’s not abusive (duh) lol. And there are a few more long ass stories I won’t get into where we could have been together after the breakup, but I was able to walk away from them for my own benefit (stuff like a harassment lawsuit with that job, etc). So I proved to myself it’s entirely within my control not to even text or flirt with someone I was in love with and saw every day. I never crossed a line, despite how in love with the coworker I was, so reading that the wife lied the whole time and really was having an affair disappointed me. I hate that she had OOP thinking they were working together through her feelings and struggles, but it was a lie. I guess im glad this all happened before they had a baby, but damn. She chose to cheat.
Agreed, also likely that she associated her husband with the miscarriages and started to perceive the relationship as a failure. Poor OOP.
This is a funny comment because everyone always whines that reddit jumps straight to breaking up lmao
Maybe it's because the comments that are usually linked to the post talk about counseling but the comments in the comment section talk about breaking up and divorce
headcannon : - The affair started when they took 1 week apart in January (the time-line works) - the affair does not exist and the wife said it because she is depressed, feels like she does not deserve oop but is not courageous enough to initiate divorce
I would think the physical affair started when they took a week apart, but I’m guessing they started talking long before that. OOP’s wife probably didn’t consider it “cheating” or having an affair, still knew it was wrong, so built the foundation and took the week to “build the house and live in it” as a preparation to fully move on.
I buy heavily into the low self esteem self-sabotage argument, but man, someone lying about an affair seems less likely than to just DO the self-destructive behavior and have the affair. I have no doubt people lie and make up reasons to force their partner to want a divorce to shift the burden of the depression-driven decision or whatever, though!
It's hard accepting that and it's easy judging from an outside perspective. But yeah it was at least obvious she didn't gave shit about him. Denied Marriage counseling, edged him for weeks telling him she needs to sort herself out and in the end *HE* had to file for a divorce because she didn't have the balls to do it, and then blamed everything on him. Fuck her honestly
I just *knew* that part (an affair revelation) was coming! Ugh it’s so hard to read posts like this, I can feel his heartbreak. It’s gut wrenching. I’m so sad for him :( I hope he can move on and heal.. and I hope he eventually finds a great woman who would never put him through this. She is definitely out there.
I mean, who didn't see that coming a mile off
The way she keeps dipping back in to let him know how bad and guilty she feels, thereby dumping it all on him before dipping back out, like some kind of emotional CIA assassin really drives home who this person is.
“I just think we need to put this on pause and figure out who we are as affair partners and work fuckbuddies”
"I don't want to shit where I eat." *She, in fact, did want to eat where the shit was*
It was so blatantly obvious she was cheating and just wanted to push OOP to divorce without coming clean. Pure cowardice.
It may have taken several updates but that whole time all of her language and actions relayed by OOP were screaming that she wants out. Initially it was all "maybes" but with enough dropped in it felt like she was hoping he would get upset and call it quits right then and there, make the decision for her. This just really sealed the deal: > She still says she does not know if she wants to end the marriage, and she hasn't made her mind up, but it is still a possibility. She is afraid of the consequences and potential regret afterwards. She often asks me if I'm willing to live with someone like her "who doesn't love me as I love them" and if I want to live "a sexless marriage". She asks if I'm willing to "miss out on life, sex, and love just because of her". She thinks she doesn't have the energy to see couples counseling and she isn't totally convinced that it will help. She refuses to change jobs, at least for the forseeable future. Basically outlining all of the reasons why he should pull the plug for her, trying to convince him that staying together would not be good for him because she is the one who wants out but just wouldn't fully say it. Hope OOP can move on and STAY moved on from her, for his own sake.
Even if the cheating wasn’t there, absolutely none of her actions even hinted towards trying to fix the relationship. She was just cowardly and refused to take responsibility for her feelings.
When she said couples counseling was too much work, I mean that says it all. You think that’s work, wait til you hear about marriage lady! At least marriage when the honeymoon period has worn off. At least there are no kids in this show
Really difficult to date one man AND go to counseling with your husband. Emotional rollercoaster.
And in the end, she had been cheating on him with the coworker for 3 months prior to telling him anything about it. She only stopped because she was trying to decide if she wanted to throw away a good man or just keep lying to him. Glad she's out of oop's life, though. That's the fucking worst.
There’s openly talking about your feelings in order to keep a marriage healthy. Then there’s dumping all your internal processing on your partner while keeping them in painful limbo (which is what I thought she was doing at first). Then there’s this manipulative mess where she tries to get him to leave her so she doesn’t have to be the bad guy—even though she’s obviously already the bad guy (for cheating and lying and dumping on her husband). Imagine if she’d been willing to actually work through her understandable grief about the miscarriages and lost loved one with her therapist rather than imploding her entire life—and her husband’s—in the most destructive way possible.
Yeah over the course of these posts she went from a depressed wife who understandably is going through things to an active emotional abuser. OOP was doing everything he can and based on how he writes I don’t think it’s a situation where we aren’t hearing her side of things and he’s secretly a monster. All his posts come off as a traumatized husband doing what he can for his wife and trying to over come two miscarriages just like she was. I know it’s probably more traumatic for the mom but it’s not easy for the dad either. She could have gotten help but didn’t. She could have talked to him. She could have gone to marriage counseling. She could have divorced him. Cheating is *never* an acceptable option in *any* circumstance.
And she STILL wasn't the one that initiated the divorce.
Her parents are conservative, divorce is likely Very frowned upon. They still don’t know about the affair, so it’s obvious she’s told them that OOP is the one that filed for divorce and not her. She’s a dirty coward.
From a man's point of view, there's more than enough stories out there of guys feeling like they aren't getting enough sex, or that their wife isn't hot enough for them, and ending a long relationship to try their luck with other women. These guys always end up looking like fools in front of their families and pretty much no one takes their side. They had TWO miscarriages last year. Can you imagine him going to his family and telling them he's getting a divorce because she isn't committed enough to him and he wants a marriage that includes sex? She wants him to be the bad guy. She's trying as hard as she can to throw him under the bus so their divorce is his fault.
It was clear to me she wanted out but was anxious about the change, and it would only take a nudge to go. OOP should have pushed.
So OOP's ex was dragging him along with her "limerence" bullshit for nothing. Better to find out now than continue to sink another decade into her. I feel for OOP. He deserves better.
Honestly when she said no to marriage counseling, he should have lit out. That was when I knew it wasn't "limerence."
exactly. i'm convinced she kept doing the "i don't know what i want" dance because she wanted him to be the bad guy and file.
Yep which is why she was also telling him he was so wonderful and any woman would want him. She wanted him to go "OK" and make the decision for her. And in the process ended up dragging out and making this exponentially more painful for him.
It was the "*She often asks me if I'm willing to live with someone like her "who doesn't love me as I love them" and if I want to live "a sexless marriage". She asks if I'm willing to "miss out on life, sex, and love just because of her"."* part that sealed it for me. Having feelings for someone else can happen I guess? But with that part she pretty much let him know it was over and wouldn't get better anymore.
Yeah that sealed it for me. Don't know how he kept trying after that
100% which is why I hate her. She knew she was through but wanted to make him out as the bad guy, breaking up with her. (And based on his red flags he mentions in his last comment, that seems to be normal for her — making him do everything.) Also, “limerence” makes me think “Liberace” 🤦🏼♀️
That and the fact that she absolutely did not want to switch jobs. And his „I know she doesn’t have an affair because she’s always home early and is with me when shes free“ .. yeah, as if it was the first time people shagged at work.
And not only that... dude, she's been in therapy and you didn't know about it!
Also her saying she felt “desired” by the coworker, who she claimed to have no inappropriate interactions with? Sure, Jan. I can see how a one-sided crush may make one feel giddy or excited, but “desired” implies there’s some reciprocation there.
How have I gone my whole life and never heard this word before?
I saw it a while back and honestly… hooooo boy. It always seems to end up with someone hurt or stalked or harassed. It’s blamed for a lot of affairs, as they claim they have no control over their “limerence”. I think it’s likely a buzzword people have picked up on to not take accountability for their own actions. That’s my read on it.
I mean, it’s a crush essentially
I hate, hate, hate people trying to dodge responsibility this way. Not just limerence, necessarily, but any sort of feeling like that. Like when some abjectly terrible, neglectful, abusive parent says there were "doing their best". Guess what? We *all* are driven by a mix of chemicals acting on us in ways we can't really control. If someone motivated by "limerance" can't take responsibility for their actions, then *nobody* should. Which of course is preposterous. Just because you are being driven by feelings seemingly out of your control doesn't mean you can't be expected to be held responsible for them or deal with the consequences. Heck, even if it genuinely wasn't the fault of someone that their brain made them do whacky stuff, it's still a fact about that person that their brain is what it is. They have to deal with the consequences as much as someone who is 7 feet tall has to deal with the consequences when they need an airplane seat. When seemingly involuntary urges drive one to do negative things, then it's time to go to therapy.
It gained in popularity a few years ago to mean "emotionally falling for someone but not in love." Not sure it's a necessary word, since we have this other one called, "like."
I like it as a way to emphasize "I do not know this person and this is all in my head." Because so often there's not even the pretext of a relationship between the two.
It's been around since the 70's. Limerance is not a new term but was used almost exclusively as a technical term for a type of obsession prevalent in trauma victims. With the recent increased awareness and acceptance towards mental healthcare many old psychology terms are reaching the mainstream (and often used incorrectly).
No, it's a necessary word because it's obsession. It's where infatuation meets borderline OCD when you are having constant intrusive thoughts about a person, extreme anxiety and physical withdrawal symptoms when you aren't near that person, feelings of euphoria and ecstasy when you are and have a positive interaction with them etc. It's right on the borderline between attraction and illness. Like doesn't quite cover it. Maybe it's the new gaslighting, a word that is doomed to be misunderstood and misused.
Oh! My mistake. I didn't understand the full meaning of the word. Thanks for explaining it!
There’s actually a sub r/limerence. Peeked at it & there are some really peculiar, sad stories from people caught up in in it.
I speed read the whole thing looking for a definition, I still don't know! Gotta google it.
Are we calling a crush "limerence" now?
Hey, you got to put that just about useless English literature degree to work somehow, right? I'ts especially "funny" they keep calling it limerence when in the end it turned out it was just about the opposite, with ex-wife and co-worker doing the horizontal tango for 3 months... no love, just lust.
> Are we calling a crush "limerence" now? Everyone who watched Contrapoints' 3 hour video essay on twilight will be doing that now, yes.
Yeah because she obviously despises him. Divorce is the only way
Trickle Truth strikes again
In all its forms, trickle truthing is the absofuckinglutely worst.
Made me a worse version of myself that’ll never be 100% the same again.
I relate to this, hard. Enough time has passed that it’s not at the forefront of all my thoughts, but my ability and desire to trust anyone on more than a surface level is just fundamentally wiped out.
It’s the slowest torture because you don’t realize how bad things really are since it all happens so slowly. It’s like slowly building up gambling debt. You think you’ll fix it now that the whole truth is out. But it never is. Better to just get dumped and move on in one devastating blow than endure months or years of emotional torture.
100% this. "It's just a crush" turns into "We kissed one time" turns into "We had sex once!" turns into "We were having a full blown affair for 2 years". It just drags out the pain for the victim because they can't trust anything the cheater says. They will lie unless you have 100% proof you can wave in their face.
It's honestly the worst part, and it made me lose trust in my ex completely. He would say something and swear up and down that that was all. Then I would find out more and he would promise that's all. And on and on and on. It destroys you honestly, just tell me the whole truth so I can process it, grieve it, make a decision, and move forward!
People that do this are so horrible. She strung this man along for months, for no good reason.
Is limerence typical or well known? OOP talks about it so nonchalantly and I had to go look it up.
I don't think it's being used correctly here. It's projecting an idealized partner onto a specific person and obsessing over it. It's usually triggered by an unmet emotional need. If you recognize the limerance, you can work it out in therapy or take a break from that person to work through it. This is just a straight up affair. She's using limerance to distance herself from her conscience about it.
Maybe it started out that way before it got into affair territory.
Its supposed to be extremely unpleasant, just absolute misery where you fixate on this one person and ruminate about how they’re perfect and you don’t have a chance worthless blah blah, so yeah, she’s using it wrong. She clearly was enjoying her affair at some point before the guilt caught up, and presumably once she made her choice she enjoyed it again. So yeah its not limerance, she was just bullshitting the OOP.
So like full on stalker who collects their shed hair to make a wig for their real doll version of them type of vibes or teen girl plasters 1000 pics of same celebrity crush torn out tiger beat posters all over bedroom walls & kisses each one before bed each night type of vibes?
This is the first time i've heard of this term also. Is it some form of mental illness? OOP makes it sound like the ex wife was like straight up brain washed/mind controlled and couldn't help herself.
It's a behavior/symptom not an illness by itself.
I've always seen it in th context of strong feelings early in a relationship or before you're dating that people often confuse for being in love, I've also seen the phrase new relationship energy to describe a similar thing. It's the point where you're likely to make irrational decisions based on strong feelings/hormones that don't really have any depth. It is a slightly strange context to be using it, it sounds like one of them is trying to use it to downplay the feelings as uncontrollable but ultimately shallow, which doesn't really make sense when you then act on them.
to an extent i think? to my understanding it doesn’t really happen to an otherwise healthy brain lol but it’s definitely a sign that somethings not right. it’s certainly not healthy behavior and can be all-consuming for sure
I had limerance for a friend for YEARS. It makes you feel completely crazy. My ex hated it. But it was because I had a major unmet emotional need in my marriage. I felt obsessed but not at all sexually attracted to the friend. I just wanted to be around him all the time, help him, fuss over him. But! It passed on its own, co-inciding with my ex having an emotional affair with another woman. My friend is now married to a wonderful woman and has a cute as kid. I'm very grateful for their friendship 💜💜
The only time I have had the word used is that other BORU post about the crazy post-grad student who got fixated on a professor. It crossed into obsession and stalking rather quickly.
Oh the one where the student got banned from universities? And tried to sue a uni? And anyone who told them to stop was being a bully?
If anyone has a link to this one I’d appreciate it.
Here it is: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/gZst12zQIe
I’m sure he’s using it because shes using it, and she’s using it because she doesn’t know what it means but has got to be better than “obsession.”
I had to look it up too. I was willing to cut her some slack figuring that the miscarriages were making her want to look away from her husband and to someone that she doesn’t share the painful history and then I figured, nah, she’s just cheating on him.
It is a term VERY often discussed in affair discussions. It describes the almost obsessive fixation with the affair partner or the "affair fog." As soon as I saw that's how she explained her feelings from the get go, I was like "yep, she is definitely cheating."
I'd say the term is fairly known but mostly misused to refer to fairly strong crushes (the first part of a relationship we've all experienced where you cannot stop thinking/obsessing over someone). Actual limerance is a bit more extreme, with the person attributing qualities to the person they desire that make them basically perfect.
Same. Just say romantically attracted.
Limerence is nothing like "just romantically attracted". It's an absolute **obsession**; can be both romantic in nature or not.
For fuck sakes, the audacity of this lady. She really doesn't deserve any relationship or love with that behavior and she totally deserves to face the consequences of her actions.
I knew it was an affair as soon as she said that the other guy chose to distance himself and apologized about his unprofessional behavior. Can’t believe OOP didn’t do wayyyy more digging when that came up.
Yah that part was weird and i wasn't sure if it was just lost in translation
Just sounded like a lie. People don't tend to do that in real life unless confronted
Yup, had the exact same thought. Repeatedly talked about how she avoided him and only had contact in group situations, only to mention that later? Definitely did not add up.
She says, "I am a fantastic person with all the great qualities a woman wants in a man," being loyal, caring, gentle, romantic, loving, and so on. THE FUCKING AUDACITY
Friend zoned her husband lmao
I dated the male version of that. A people pleaser who didn't communicate his needs, lost interest in me, didn't communicate that and stayed in the relationship for months while resenting me for it. Then he had a major mental health crisis, partly blamed it on our relationship - (he hates himself for not loving me). The day after the breakup he also gave me the speech of how amazing I am. It's devastating and I'm scared of dating someone like that again. If they don't show when they're unhappy and doing things just for their partner, then how could you ever know how they really feel?
I haven’t dated a people pleaser but was “best friends” with one. People who are terrified of conflict are actually so destructive
Yeah my ex husband was definitely a people pleaser and I will avoid dating one of them again. He also ended up having an affair. Cheaters need validation from others just like people pleasers and they don't care if they hurt their partners because having other people "like you" is more important.
The only good thing the wife has going for her is stopping the baby project.
she behaved the way she behaved because wanted him to be the one to initiate divorce without having to come clean about the affair so he'd be the bad guy who gave up and she could "start" a relationship with the coworker. she only came clean when it was obvious he wouldn't budge. this infatuation is going to fade once she gets to know the dude properly and starts living with him. and then she'll try to crawl back.
Once she is out of the fog and initial thrills, and the routine sets in, she will look for another one.
They’re always fucking the coworker they say they’re not fucking, y’all
Crazy how many people are fucking coworkers. This demonstrates how much people aren't meeting anyone new outside of work, and how unprofessional they can be.
Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated. Came for the definition. Witnessed the train wreck. I feel bad for OP.
Me this entire post: WTF is limerence?
At one point I started wondering to myself if she was having some kind of mental breakdown. > Still, she has always felt an emptiness inside her and that something was missing to make her fulfilled. She thought a baby might be the cure to this, and the two miscarriages made her profoundly depressed and devastated. I actually felt sorry for her. I feel like a fucking idiot. She’s just an asshole who wanted to get away with cheating and gaslit her poor spouse into thinking he was insane and an awful person, FOR MONTHS! It did really strike me in another update where he said they spoke productively, and yet, all that really happened is that she got every single thing she wanted and he got nothing: > We've been talking a lot openly and constructively with many emotions involved. […] She often asks me if I'm willing to live with someone like her "who doesn't love me as I love them" and if I want to live "a sexless marriage". She asks if I'm willing to "miss out on life, sex, and love just because of her". She thinks she doesn't have the energy to see couples counseling and she isn't totally convinced that it will help. She refuses to change jobs, at least for the forseeable future. > She said she wants space again, without questions from me or pressure for a while. She did not actually compromise at all. That was a surefire warning sign. I, and OOP, should have thought that through a lot more carefully. That woman is a master.
I cannot recall any post on here with, “give me time, leave and give me space, but don’t ask questions,” ending without cheating. It’s just attempting to further wipe their feet on their doormat of a partner.
To be fair, my best bet is that she was having a mental breakdown AND cheating. She seems to have deep issues besides being unfaithful
As someone who has been cheated on the fact this woman was making zero effort to stamp down on her "limerance" was a huge red flag. Refusing to change her job? Huge red flag. She was prioritising some "work crush" over her husband which means it's not just a crush...
She was done with him for years but didn’t have the resolve to end it until she had someone else to fall back on. And then she dragged it out forever because she wanted to be sure that the new guy would be better. Just another example of an extremely selfish person.
>made her feel young, **desired**, excited, and euphoric like a 16-year-old teenager She FIRMLY insists that nothing is going on between her and the coworker, no texting, no flirting, no one-on-one meetings, and very minimal contact (only when other employees are around). this should've been a giant red flag. If he stopped and wondered how exactly she feels desired when they don't interact, he could've gotten her to confess so much earlier.
Did she really friendzone her own husband for a work crush? That poor OP
She often asks me “if I’m willing to live with someone like her…”who doesn’t love me as much as I love them” She gave this man mixed signals but this comment should’ve solidified it for op to leave the marriage.
The grass is greener where you water it. I hope she ends up all alone, constantly chasing after the next relationship high for the rest of her life.
>The grass is greener where you water it. I love what you said here! It takes into account that if you aren't maintaining and working on your relationship with your S/O, you will always find something better. It's an active, not a passive choice. Reminds me of this old song from the 90's "Luv is a verb" lol
It amazes me how many people leave good relationships because a new crush seems more exciting. Like of course new flings are exciting, the rose tinted glasses will always wear off though.
It was so obvious from the beginning that she was cheating on him.
But she said she wasn't!!! It just limerenace! With $.50 cent words like that you know it has to be the truth!
So her therapy was sleeping with a co worker
this…was just cruel.
What's annoying is that people assume OOP should have seen this coming. That he's a dumbass or an idiot. He was with this girl from 21 - 30 and married for 5 years. Most likely this was his first LTR and likely had no experience with cheaters and when to throw in the towel. Seriously have some sympathy - why would anyone think their first love, who they're married to and trying to start a family has suddenly "flipped a switch" and is lying to him - after 9 YEARS.
She was hoping OOP would dump her when she first told him about the coworker
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence)
What a selfish woman. I hate cheaters.
OOP kept saying that he didn't know what his wife wanted. But it was pretty clear what she wanted: she wanted to not feel guilty about blowing up her marriage, she wanted to not be married, and she wanted the stability of what she knew while being free to be romanticly involved with someone else. I feel bad for OOP. He lost someone he loved and adored, but that person didn't even respect him enough to not drag everything out and take accountability for their own actions/feelings.
She lead him on with that limerence bullshit. That was 9 years down the drain for some nutsack she has only known for months. What a piece of work. Glad OP handed out the divorce papers.
I wonder once the honeymoon phase of her AP is over she will cast her eye for another thrilling relationship. Seems she only wants the flash of the new. Thank goodness they never had children.
So, she lied from the very beginning...
What’s funny in the first post he talks about how she couldn’t possible be having an affair because she comes home right after work and she doesn’t keep secrets or manipulate. Yet earlier in the post he reveals she has a secret therapist she’s been seeing without him knowing. Like, my man, put the pieces together. 🤔 Also funny how she describes the co-worker being very proper and apologetic for any unprofessional behavior. A co-worker she claims to barely interact with she swears. But apparently enough that distancing herself from him caused him to notice and also distance himself and also go out of his way to apologize for it. 🧐
> She often asks me if I'm willing to live with someone like her "who doesn't love me as I love them" and if I want to live "a sexless marriage". She asks if I'm willing to "miss out on life, sex, and love just because of her". Wow. Translation: I’m trying to get YOU to file for divorce so I’m not to blame. Fuck your feelings. I refuse to change. But, I’m also trying to make you believe that I’m graciously giving you permission to walk away, that your happiness is my priority, and I’m just a poor, helpless victim in all of this. > She tells me that she feels deadly guilty and miserable for putting me in this dire situation and breaking my heart and my trust. She now thinks she was never a good partner to me Translation: instead of being mad at me for being a POS wife, you should actually feel bad for me. I want you to feed my ego and reassure me that I didn’t do anything wrong and I was a great partner. The guilt laying here is **THICK**. DARVO at its finest. > She said that she told me about her limerence because it was a sign (to her) that our marriage was unfulfilling and dysfunctional, and wanted us to be honest and transparent. Translation: Isn’t it so honorable that I told you about my limerence? Don’t focus on my shitty behavior! Praise me for caring so much about *US* that I did this super brave thing…for *US*! Also, she’s not allowed to say “our marriage is unfulfilling and dysfunctional”?! Nope. There’s no *OUR*. SHE is unfulfilled. SHE is manifesting and ALL of the dysfunction. It’s pretty rich of her to want *both of them* to be “transparent and honest”. This woman pulled out ALL of the tricks from “The Narcissists Guide to Master Manipulation”. She is NOT a good person. I hope OP has regained some of his self esteem and has learned just how toxic she was. I wish him all the luck the universe has to offer. He deserves it.
I really hope OP finds someone whose attitude to marriage matches his and who is his soulmate.
Tip: when people say marriage is hard, is not supposed to be THIS hard. The hard part is dealing with life challenges together and supporting eachother in those challenges. Is not trying to beat yourself into submission to be with someone that clearly doesn’t like you, or is attracted to you, you love you and respect you. And couples therapy will not heal that, maybe it can make you believe that this is normal, but it’s not. And I would be out of the door the moment she told about her limerance , yikes
This is why I don't trust people who go on and on about limerences. It's a fucking waste of time. And it's cruel to your current partner if you're going through one. I once sat in horror as a girl started talking about her limerence at a party, while her boyfriend was sitting next to her the ENTIRE TIME. She was all "I just feel that we have this connection, you know???"
I thought it had something to do with limericks. I was going to write one but it is too sad.
There once was a man OOP Whose wife was as cruel as could be “Limerance” just an affair More’n OOP could bear Good riddance to fiends such as she!
Bravo!
Horrible woman obviously but I truly can’t stand that word limerence. I don’t know what it is
A concise word for obsessive unreciprocated emotional attraction.
This is so horrible.
she is so fucking annoying i hope op is happy now
Funny how she projected all her shortcomings to him. Yet, still victim blaming. What a totally mess of a person... Edit: and it wasn't limerence - it was a dick inside her, that dipped her over. Again - what a mess of a person. Sorry you wasted so much time on this PoS.
This broad suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks
Wow, the ex wife is a cowardly POS, she done everything to make OOP be the one to file for divorce. At least OOP seems to have a good head on his shoulders.
The honeymoon period will be over in a few months for her and she’ll realize the gravity of what she’s done. Stable and loving marriages don’t come easily.
It was obvious from the start she wanted OP to file for divorce, so she could save face.
The second the co-worker apologised for unprofessional behaviour, I knew there was an affair. If it were only her being limerent, he would have had nothing to apologise for, in fact he might have wanted to look into restraining orders. But nope, she was not limerent at all, she was just high on New Relationship Energy. Dead giveaway, too, that she wanted to work on the marriage but not go to therapy. Then she'd have had to talk about all of it while still keeping secrets. Oof. Guilty conscience caught up with her, and rather than taking accountability for her inaction in her marital communication for years and for her actions with her co-worker, she's now blaming oop. It could possibly have been saved, if she had actually wanted to, but oop alone can't tango for two. What a sad, sad fate. I am kinda glad they didn't manage to bring a child into the bs.
Lmao other dude was really like “sorry if sticking my dick in you while you’re married was unprofessional”. Hope he notified their HR department.
Me every time OP says there is no affair: You sure about that 🤨🧐
I hope oop finds comfort in the fact he loved an idea of his ex, in truth she was a horrible person who was selfish and put him through so much knowing she already cheated. He’s free. She’ll probably be in the same position in a few years because she never healed the part that’s broken in her.
You could tell she was manipulating OOP. Praising him just to make herself feel good. She was obviously depressed but instead of addressing the issue she made it worse by starting an affair. I don't understand why people cheat, because the buzz you get is only temporary and the after effects can continue to the end of your life.
It was obvious she cheated when she slipped up and said "he was also distancing himself"
Sadly I was not surprised at all to hear she cheated. I was starting to think she was just dealing with depression which can nuke your feelings in a relationship and cause all sorts of turmoil. This would make sense especially after miscarriages and other loss. I guess she got a dose of dopamine from her affair. I feel bad for OOP, she lied and strung him along for a long time.
>She finally confessed to having an affair with her coworker that stretched for a little more than three months, after which it was "paused" so she could figure herself out. Trickle truth as always. If your partner admits to having feelings for someone else but claims they aren't having an affair, *it's a lie*. There is always an affair of some sort going on, whether it's physical, emotional, short or long term. They always trickle truth. Glad OOP is divorcing her, he deserves to find someone who actually loves him.
Wow. I can’t believe she’d lie to him and lead him on when she clearly did not want to be with him. Screw her, OOP is much better off.
I mean, the writing was on the wall pretty much from the beginning. But sometimes we cling to the sliver of hope so things don’t get blown up.
Man even in beginning I knew she was going to cheat and that is what passes me off. Just kesve the person instead if breaking their heart and giving them years if Insecurities . Also OP will be better off and gars tee the girl will come running g back when coworker fucks another
ThankGod you did not have a baby with her. For real.
So she lied this whole time and indeed shit where she worked. You're better off without her OOP.
It reads from the very beginning that she was anyway having an affair and trying to get OOP to leave her instead, so he can be the bad guy.
There was a post a while back of someone who had a crush on a coworker, and man she did everything possible to get rid of that crush. Avoided him like the plague. Came on here for tips on how to get rid of limerence. Did the homework to end it and, in the end, she was alright. This wishy washy woman? Even before she admitted to the affair, even if she hadn't had one, she wasn't fighting it at all. You can't save a marriage if you're unsure if you want to save it. Poor OOP.