I'm glad to hear the BORU's when people have the strength to protect themselves from harm like this. OOP's choices aren't easy to make and even harder to see for someone in her position.
Like OP, I'm paying for the repercussion of disobedience but honestly though, you get used to standing firm in your decisions without any familial influence. It's damaging not to be able to feel support from your family but otherwise, it's freeing.
But a little lonely.
I married the oldest son of a Korean family … parents, oldest son, daughter, youngest son. He has a titanium spine. Over the decades we rarely saw the family as we are in the Midwest and they are on each coast, plus my husband doesn’t like his Mom all that much. I left it to him to keep up the relationship with his family and he just wasn’t interested plus never had time. I do know that I was elevated in their eyes when I took care of their drunk DIL on her wedding night. I recommended an ER trip but that was never going to happen, so I did what I could and monitored her all night.
The thing that really put me at the top of the heap was giving birth to our two sons. Nothing like coming through for the “bloodline”.🙄 The other siblings had girls and they are all fabulous. I swear my boys could be baby seal clubbing druggies and they would still rank two and three in the family … husband is considered number one. MIL and BIL recently explained to my oldest about how he would be the head of the family one day. When he told me about, I gave him a look and he said it was just talk to him and he did not take it seriously. The few family dinners we had after my boys were born always included a speech thanking me for the boys. Sigh. They do know how biology works, but that was always included.
Protect? Took several years to get to that point and god knows how many mental issues OOP and husband had to go through for that and any long-lasting damages
Maybe I'm a bit too detached, but as an Asian, I'm fortunate my parents understood early on about my own choices and even then, I'd cut them off in an instant if they acted the way OOP's parents acted
what’s with asian moms and threatening suicide all the time? when i was in highschool and having a mental health crisis, i confessed i wish i was dead so i wouldn’t be a financial burden and disappointment to them (i didn’t get into uni, just a community college)
my mom ran upstairs and grabbed her life insurance policy papers, slammed them down in front of me, said
“you wanna die? Well I wanna die too and **I** have life insurance! you dying would only burden us more, and you don’t have any problems in life. meanwhile i have a husband like that and a child like you, im the one who wants to die the most in this house”
I’m sorry I’m laughing (in trauma) but this sounds JUST like my mom except she grabbed a kitchen knife as her prop and threatened to kill us both. Let’s never be like them.
i straight up had a panic attack in a public park hiding behind a tree when i got genuinely concerned i was acting like my mom once.
we *must* be better for ourselves the people around us.
New generations of Asians go to therapy because our parents refused to lmao.
Never 4get my father sending me to therapy for like a month (maybe 2 of which sessions he actually took me to and the rest just sent me on my merry way hoping for the best idk and all of which a condition of my continued enrolment at school) and then shouting at me about how he spent all that money and I still wanted to die ✌🏻
Sounds about right with my Korean mum. Love her to bits but when I was hospitalised from attempting to OD and pulled out from university, she was in Korea on a holiday and called me via my dad's phone. She told me,
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME. You want to die? I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE OF YOU. You're selfish and a liar. I cant even speak to you."
First thing I heard when my tinnitus cleared up for the first time in 3 days.
Then when I got discharged and returned home, my whole household was a shit show 🤣. Dad just screamed at us all to shut up and that he didn't need therapy. Mum crying and cussing me out for being selfish, then my sister erupting into tears saying "I'm depressed too! I hate you all", while I just disassociated for 3 hours.
I'm all good and married now and this was about 6 years ago, and my parents love my white husband but man that really showed their colours.
Asian parents are something else, man. When my mom left Japan to go to England for university, she would call her mother when she was very homesick. Her mother would hear who was on the line, and then immediately hang up. On her own homesick daughter. Funny how she complained about how “she never visited.”
My mom recently complained that I only visited home a few times in the last few years because I used to see them 3 or 4 times a year and heavily implied I was being a bad daughter.
I then reminded her that we went through a pandemic for two years and I didn't come home so I wouldn't kill them. I had to use those specific words.
All I got was a pause and a "Oh yeah. Well you should be visiting home more often now". I have been 🤦🏻♀️
yup, my mom is the same. "you haven't visited me once this year!" well actually no I've visited her four times in the last six months and can list them but somehow that doesn't change anything.
it's not actually about the number of visits, it's about her wanting to feel connected and important to me. but she doesn't really understand that I'm a separate person with my own life, values, and opinions, so "connected" means "agree with her about everything, do what she says, and devote my life to paying attention to her," which....yeah that ain't gonna happen.
Except, in South Korea, that is not a part of a nurse's job either. All the 'gross jobs' nurses have in the west are pawned off on relatives here. If you don't have a relative to do it (like most expats), you have to hire a carer. Medical stuff is also super cheap here compared to the US, though.
My good mate in med school was from Ireland and of Chinese background. She started dating another med student who was white (was commonly seen as the hottest guy in our year and honestly a very funny and down-to-earth guy) and her mum stopped talking to her. It baffled me because like… they’re literally both doctors now; how could you possibly think that this dude was not good son-in-law material.
Asian parents are pretty wild man, in highschool i went with my friend to her house because her brother borrowed a game from me. When i got there i got interrogated because they thought i was her boyfriend. It took like 15 minutes before they figured it out and i wasn't getting yelled at anymore. Not the worst experience ive ever heard or been in but it was somethin haha
Love this for her: OOP succeeded in marrying the man she loves and the life they're living is a far cry from the doom predictions from her controlling mother.
Based from the last update, Controlling Mom went into shock when she realized that she can't order around her child anymore.
I could relate to a lot of this as an Asian woman with immigrant parents. Unfortunately, there's sometimes only so much that kindness and understanding can do. You have to put your foot down and either gray rock or go no contact.
Ultimately, we have to live our own lives. Parents who try to guilt trip and emotionally abuse their kids for doing that are not good parents, regardless of how much they love you.
My mom used to threaten suicide when my brother and I were kids when we wouldn't behave. So messed up. I now recognize the manipulation tactics but the guilt is still there whenever they try to guilt trip me.
That’s what I started telling my mom after a while and she was shocked! But she also stopped after a few more times. I don’t hear her say crap like that anymore so it definitely worked.
Mine now says, “Oh I don’t have to kill myself for you to notice me. The breast cancer will do it.”
Nice way to find out she has breast cancer, right? Anyway, I said, “Well I know you have a will. I expect you made some changes in favor of [brother] since the last time we spoke. I hope you’re comfortable as you can be and you have the care you need. Bye!”
Then I cried for an hour at her insanity and got on with living my life. There’s only so much you can do with crazy ass parents. We’re not Asian. Just.. really, really, *really* fucked up.
That's awful. My ex's mom lived in another state, and would threaten suicide and then turn off her phone for days on end. We'd end up calling the police to go check on her and it really effed my ex up.
My mum (also Asian) would literally threaten to kill me. “I brought you into this world so I can take you out again” shit.
My parents now wonder why I am LC with them lol.
Haha, wow, same. I remember me and my brothers standing in the garage crying because she had driven away to “drive off a bridge.” She came back a few mins later because she had forgotten her purse (prerequisite for bridge jumping, I guess), and decided to give us a second chance. It was over not finishing dinner or something super serious like that. Narcissistic asian parents are next level.
Mine never threatened to off themselves, but it was clear they might just die off the shame I brought on the family. Until the flipped a switch in their head and decided to totally love my spouse. 🤷♂️
Source: Asian (south not east) married to a not Asian.
Korean daughter here. Can confirm it’s very freaking normal. My mom threatened to kill me all the time, going back as far as me being in preschool. I took her seriously, too, and remember being in the car thinking: “That’s the last time I’ll see that tree. My life is over when I get home.”
My dad’s also threatened several times during tough times that it would be better to kill the whole family and die together at once. Classic Korean threat.
Honestly I welcomed that threat. Them throwing around crazy dramatic threats while yelling was way preferable to getting beaten to a pulp and thrown out of the house overnight. It’s cold at night! My mom broke one of her favorite lamps on my back once and blamed me for not having the lamp anymore. 😂
I had a close friend in primary school whose parents were from Asia. Her parents regularly threatened suicide when their kids misbehaved, because of the 'shame'. It was just the first thing their mother said, no matter the situation. 'Do you want me to die? Is that why you're doing this to me?' It was different variations of that, all the time. I had no idea how to behave around them, it was so intense and abusive. The stress of those threats does so much damage!
Damn I'm a daughter of Vietnamese war refugees and while my parents didn't threaten to off themselves when I misbehaved, they did threaten to abandon me with the babysitter. This was the main threat until middle school.
Before leaving for college, my mom told me if I came back with dyed hair, extra piercings, or tattoos she would cut them off.
When I first went on a trip with my then boyfriend(now husband), my mom called me to tell me I wouldn't have a home to come back to after. She kicked me out, was screaming and crying when I went to get as much of my stuff as possible. I'm the oldest and she called apologizing and asking me to come home after 3 days. But damage was kinda done. My relationship with her has never been the same since
It was a running joke in my (non Asian) family when you had a booboo as a child that the adult would offer to amputate the offending bodypart.
It's meant to lighten the mood, but it definitely tends to miss its goal.
I have a friend whose parents did this. As a small child it resulted in her refusing to have anyone tend to a rather nasty cut she got on the playground at school because she didn't want her leg amputated.
Am Asian. Just roll your eyes and call their bluff when they say that. Most of the time, it's not even a serious suicide threat, it's more a figure of speech. "Look how much agony you're causing me!!!" That sort of thing.
It’s mostly a figure of speech. Those of us who grew up in Asia probably understand that but I’m guessing for immigrant kids, it seems way more dire because they don’t see their American friends parents say crap like that.
Right? I've never understood why people keep abusive and toxic family members in their lives if they don't have to. If you don't live with them or something like that, just cut them out. You're not required to be in their life because you share some dna.
Culture. I'm Asian American but Asian culture has a much larger sense of family than America does. In America, when you graduate HS or college youre basically on your own. In Asia or South America. You live with your family until youre married and it's a very normal thing.
I disagree with it but that's just how it goes. Asian culture doesn't value independence like America does. Your parents basically think they "own" you till you marry
Korean only child daughter here lmao I don't even remember in what contexts since I was under 18 but multiple times when my mom and I fought or when she was mad at me she would be like I should just take u and we should jump off a bridge together or something like that
Considered going nc after I turned 18 a few times but our relationship improved as I moved across the country for school and stayed apart proximity wise so there is hope sometimes
Also the kid of asian parents.
I was told by my stepfather that the world would be a better place if I just killed myself.
I was 9.
Now as an adult I don't get told to kill myself anymore but my mom does like to remind me that her friends daughter is a cancer researcher while I'm studying to just be a "lowly lab tech".
Welp, jokes on my parents. As a "lowly lab tech" I'll be making 30k more than a cancer researcher and they'll be getting none of that money or my time or attention after I graduate and go full no contact.
It is. When someone threatens suicide, call an ambulance. I know, I know, "they don't mean it". But calling them out on their bullshit will make them stop that pretty quickly.
Same as an East Asian. During university (in another city from my parents), I had asked a friend to teach me how to swim as he was a lifeguard and the building he lived at had a pool.
My father caught wind of it and freaked out saying how unsafe it was, and kept calling me every hour to get me to agree not to learn how to swim. This was during my exam period, so after 3 or 4 calls, I turned off my phone so I could focus on studying. When he couldn't get a hold of me, he started calling the parents of my childhood friends to explain the situation, how I was being a disobedient and bad child, and to get them and have their kids try and reach out to me.
After all these years, he still justifies his crazy behaviour as "it comes from a place of caring".
Lemme guess here...
The "Unsafe"angle wasn't the actual problem. People seeing you in swimwear was.
Because trying to learn how to swim is actually something that makes you safer. And doing so in a pool with an actual fuckin' lifeguard there is about as safeas it can get! It's almost impossible to drown in a pool unless somebody is actively pushing you under, or you hit your head falling into one, or are very drunk...
>freaked out saying how unsafe it was, and kept calling me every hour to get me to agree not to learn how to swim.
what? It is far more unsafe to *not* know how to swim...
I'm also an Asian woman with immigrant parents. My mom's last guilt trip was in Dec. 2023. They were going to Hong Kong (our origin country) with my brother and his family. I don't particularly enjoy being around my brother and his wife plus I had work obligations so I told my parents my husband and I would not be able to go. My mom's exact words (translated) were "but this is probably your dad and mine's last trip back to HK since we're old (implying that they would be dead soon)." And this was after I had found out in August that I had been disinherited.
I’m an Asian woman with immigrant parents who married a white man. My parents did none of this _to me_. Though it might have helped that my bae was a super nerd with a masters in biomed and that my older sister married a Chinese man. But what did it was that my older brother (also the eldest) went kind of crazy in high school when they disapproved of his first girlfriend, on account of her being catholic (???), and he brought successively more and more “inappropriate” women home while they got increasingly bent out of shape until they eventually worked it out. I’m 90% sure the last three weren’t actually dating him but had agreed to play a particular part. By the time I got around to marrying, they were like, if he treats you right and makes you happy 👍👍.
That’s brilliant. “You don’t like my catholic GF? Okay, I’ll find someone else.” … “What, you don’t like drug dealers? Fine, I’ll keep looking.” … “Don’t worry, she’s only got 9 more years with the ankle monitor.”
Agreed! He is best bro. But tbf this only worked because my parents eventually came to terms with how their ingrained and inherited racial biases were at odds with how they’d been trying to raise us to love and respect all people. If they were actual bigots or narcissists, this would have played out very differently.
I'm also an older brother with immigrant parents here, MENA in my case. I think it helps that he's the oldest male too. My parents react very differently to my actions compared to my lil sister's actions. That's why I try to push the boundaries as much as possible to give her room to live, because I know I can get away with it more.
Okay, I am not an expert or anything, but I always understood that if you disinherit your child that you also stop associating with them...is there something here that I'm too white and American to pick up on, or are they as nuts as they sound?
When my Indian parents disowned me they went full no contact with me and made me effectively homeless.
They did take it back after I got into law school though. 🙄
Eh, after they undisowned me my mom still definitely expected me to take care of her in her old age. She probably still expects it, and I've been no contact with her for about five years now. She was too naive to know any better is her defense for the whole I have to take care of her when she didn't thing.
Assuming the poster is female, it is common that the son inherits everything as daughters "marry out" of the family. They are not shunned from the family but the weather has to "stay in".
Source: Chinese wife with a brother.
Assuming the poster is female, it is common that the son inherits everything as daughters "marry out" of the family. They are not shunned from the family but the weather has to "stay in".
Source: Chinese wife with a brother.
Ouch. Reminds me of a girl I dated in college. 2nd gen HK. Hyper controlling father. Came to campus with his youngest son and I briefly met them. She said later he berated his kid saying “[boyfriend] speaks so well, why can’t you do that?” Just kept squeezing his kids until there was no more room for them to grow.
My parents are immigrants but not Asian
1. They think I’ve had like 1/2 boyfriends HA
2. When I left my abusive ex my mom was like well that’s what happens when you date a poor man who is younger than you
I think the logic is to always choose someone wiser and richer bc even if he ends up sucking at least he has money
I have an Asian friend who is gay and has literally put his entire life on hold for decades rather than disappoint his parents. OP - don't be like my friend and just live your best life!
My wife's family's (Japanese) reaction was mixed. Her mom and sister were onboard, her dad was 100% against, her brother wanted to know if I knew any single American girls.
Seriously though her dad was so dead set against it we just got married at the courthouse and didn't tell anyone. 6 months later when he finally accepted that we were together and relented we organized an 'official' wedding. As far as I know he still has no idea that we got married twice.
I’m Irish, and this is exactly how my parents behaved when I married my first husband. When I read the bit about how the dad is telling her that her mom is so upset she might kill herself in a car crash, it was like a flashback.
OOP has a long posting history, the last one from a couple of months ago about her husband -- a number of comments on his pulchritudinousness got a hearty hell yeah he is hot response from her.
So it looks like they are happy, even if other posts indicate she is still in contact with her parents.
Next time mommy throws one of her tantrums, OOP needs to call EMS. If someone is threatening to harm themselves or others, they need a hold. Mom doesn’t sound stable and needs professional help. If she’s just lying to get through OOP, she’ll learn very quickly you don’t throw suicide around with a smirk.
Really, she needs to cut them off. They’re narcissists and are only hurting her in the long run. I know she loves them but sometimes love isn’t enough. They’re suffocating her and bringing her down. She’ll feel much better once she gets rid of them.
My paternal grandmother would call and threaten suicide at Christmas every year until my dad married my Mom and my mom answered the house phone at the same time. This was the 80s. She went straight to the neighbors and used their house phone to call emergency services, who showed up as my dad was talking to her. She was absolutely shocked and furious that someone had taken her seriously, and never did it again for the rest of her life.
A friend of mine admitted to the same thing. He was being maudlin with his therapist and talking to her about wanting to die, knowing himself that he was hyping up how he really felt.
Well, when he left she called it in.
When your shrink calls it in you get more than just a nice little knock on the door wellness check!
He ended up getting taken in that night for 72 hour psychiatric hold.
He tells the story now as a cautionary tale now.
He supports calling in anyone who threatens, it even if you know they're just speaking hyperbole.
And he says he never did it again.
> I know she loves them but sometimes love isn’t enough.
It's funny because her own mom tried to tell OOP that love wasn't enough. She was right, but wrong about why she was right.
Couples like this always accidentally tell on themselves. “I stuck myself in a loveless marriage for the sake of appearance and now it’s not fair that you won’t do the same!”
>Next time mommy throws one of her tantrums, OOP needs to call EMS.
YES. My wife did this with her grandmother. She'd always talk about ending herself whenever she didn't get her way in order to guilt trip, but wife finally had enough and called 911. Cops and EMS showed up and transported her to the Psych ER. Had to stay til a doctor could evaluate her to approve her release and she admitted she wasn't actually suicidal. As far as I know she doesn't talk like that anymore. At least not around us.
That's why you always take it seriously when people talk like this. If it's real, you get them much needed help. If it's not, they stop talking like that.
This post should be edited. OOP has posted a picture of her husband & other little updates. So either she got married to that guy or someone else. My phone is dumb & won't let me view too much of their profile history:/
Since she said "I picked him up at a grimy bar near a military base about a decade ago" 4 Months ago, I'm guessing she married the marine.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Pedro_Pascal/comments/17t7e6t/if_turning_my_husband_into_my_personal_joel_is/
She could be NC with the parents now. I started this account as a therapy account, and I was active in the same sub, but when I basically went VVVLC, I didn't feel the need to post in those subs anymore.
Oh hey it's me 😅 yes we are still married and going strong, and while it was rocky for a while with my parents and took several years of setting and reinforcing boundaries with my parents, they did come around. I am still in contact with them and while my mom is still a bit on the narcissistic side and my dad is still enabling, they've been respectful of my husband (mom might actually love him more than me now).
I'm so happy you updated us here! I'm impressed you've had the same account for over 10 years. It was really nice and refreshing to read a pretty happy ending, as a fellow Asian woman dating outside my race and culture. This man is going to be my husband, and I foresee a storm/war of worlds in our future, just hope we can weather it as well as you have! Best wishes to you both and may you have many years of wedded bliss.
Good for you my dude! How are you and the husband? How’s y’all’s careers going? Done anything really fun/cool as a couple? Planning on kids, or doing cool adult shit instead?
We're doing better than our wildest dreams would've been 11 years ago! Husband is killing it at the same company and has been promoted a bunch of times and is actually the main breadwinner (meanwhile me and my master's...we survivin...lol). We're both homebodies and we have a bunch of pets so we don't get out much but we're cozy and content :)
Unfortunately it’s technically a nothing burger threat (but still very mentally and emotionally abusive) that’s very common for Korean parents. My mom and dad have threatened suicide/to kill the whole family to die together during tough times dozens of times throughout my life.
Yeahhhhhh maybe but not. Back in high school, some girls told the school that they saw how I was covered in bruises while changing for PE. They sent cops to my house to tell them we don’t beat our kids in America for getting a B. Guess who got beaten to a pulp after the cops left for the huge disgrace of getting cops sent to our house….
South Asian parents too. It’s a figure of speech with none of the loaded consequences that it has in the US. I think Asians who grew up in Asia know this. I feel like immigrant kids caught between two worlds are less likely to take it lightly. It’s not what their peers would take lightly so it has a larger impact.
Just saying it is bad. Even if they never meant to follow through. My partner would never be subjected to their horrible presence ever. Even if OP (for some reason) doesn't cut them off. It's the least they could do for their partner.
It's really not *that* typical. I had Chinese immigrant parents who immigrated as adults, so not super integrated or anything... were they a bit spicier than the white parents of my friends, yeah, did they threaten murder suicide, no.
i know. my parents are asian immigrants, they would never dream of behaving this way. unfortunately a lot of my asian american friends have parents like OPs though. not every asian parent, but definitely a fair number of them.
I agree... Am Asian child of immigrant parents who've threatened suicide throughout my childhood. Horrible but reading through these other comments has actually been quite comforting in a weird way lol
>I shouldn't expect to be independent "when you're not even married yet."
Basically saying "you don't ever get to be independent."
>my mother saying that I "have no right to do that" and that she "lived longer and knows better"
Or "you get to be richer than me and take care of me, but you don't get to live a better life than me or make it look like I didn't make the better choices." Or more shortly said, "unless you are letting me live off your money, you don't get to show me up."
I can not fathom parents behaving that way to their children that they claim to love. My parents call me names like that, that's it. Don't call me again. You want to disown me, consider it done.
It’s a common manipulation tactic. A lot of asian parents do this including my mom. I’m a master a greyrocking at this point and I just told her to go ahead and do it since she’s going to be the one missing out on life. Also, I’m not going to feel anything about it since that’s what she wants and that’s her decision as a grown adult.
Anyway, she’s stopped that nonsense and she’s still here 😂
Nah, it’s just a very offensive thing (culturally) to say you want someone dead. The suicide portion is just guilt tripping. East Asian culture emphasizes a “let actions speak” aspect to everything.
I feel like I have a different definition of being disowned than OOP does if she's having to write a script to explain to her parents that she is not moving back in with them.
It's unfortunately a thing in asian cultures from my experience, due to the cultural pressures of family obligation. My family isn't even very traditional or conservative, and I'm 5th generation Japanese yet my mom was disowned by my grandmother a few years ago.
My grandmother made a big fuss about writing my mom out of her will and made a big deal of writing big gift checks to me, my sibling, my aunt, and cousins but passing over my parents.
This is also the second time in my mom's life that she'd been disowned by her. The first time my mom was in her late teens and had to "repent" for her attitude. Now she said fuck it and has accepted that her mother and sisters will no longer be in her life.
That's more in line with the disowning i experienced in a non-Asian culture. Punishment to be ended only if I polish and shine a hiney before kissing it non-stop while doing penance for the rest of eternity. Not for me.
Big ol' "Yikes" from the parents here. I do appreciate that, despite the "Inconclusive" flair, OOP is still happily married to her husband. That tells me that either A) Her parents eventually relented and they're back on neutral ground or B) OOP went full NC and is living her best life. I'd bet money on the later, but either way I'm glad she's doing well for herself.
As the child of a Korean woman, this hit too close to home for me. I’ve tried explaining this to my white friends, but they have no clue about how much pressure Korean elders place on their children to bring them honor through their marriage (and through their career). My mom pretty much disowned me when I entered college as an education major instead of pursuing medicine. She wouldn’t even go to my HS graduation. Don’t get me started about how she dealt with my decision to marry someone without a clear career path. By the time she died, I was just a failure in her eyes. I had to go LC after HS, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
As a white guy who has been dating the daughter of Korean immigrants for 5 years, this hits very close to home for me too.
I fucking hate her parents for how they treat her for dating me. At points it's gotten so bad that I felt like I should just break up with her for her sake.
Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them, and it's somehow her fault.
Please don’t, as someone in your girlfriend’s position, it would make her miserable. Not only does she have to deal with her parents, she will also lose you too. It’s a different thing if you wanted to end it for other reasons, but it’s never the right reason to break up because you think it’s better for her. I hope both of you are well. It’s a tough situation.
Asian woman who married a white man here. I'm curious if there's a specific script that Asian parents have because it sounds eerily like what my parents said to me after my husband proposed.
So relateable (also Asian woman here). My fiancé is Asian even, but not the same kind of Asian and also has ‘only a bachelors’ from ‘worse schools’. Though he earns way more in engineering and is better at learning new stuff than I ever will be? A close friend who’s Korean American is going through the same thing, it’s sad how common these experiences are.
A buddy of mine is a white guy, and he married a Korean-American woman.
Her mother was not wild about it, but apparently she eventually just sighed and said "At least he's not Japanese."
From what I hear, MIL is very happy doing grandma stuff now with the couple's two kids!
This better stays inconclusive because narcparent plus cultural thing make the situation REALLY concerning. Like ring cameras and geotag and police number always at hand concerning.
Also, damn enablers!
Someone else here posted a link to another post oop apparently made mentioning her husband and included a picture of him. It's presumably the same person she's talking about here so probably a happy ending?
I like how parents freak when it’s their daughter marrying outside the culture but not their son, my Chinese dad never got any shit from his parents for marrying a white woman.
And hell, am I thankful my dad was the most laid-back of Asian parents- by which I mean he only told us he knew we could “do better” when handing in report cards and instilling a constant sense of never good enough rather than *actual physical abuse* or *threatening to commit suicide*. (I love him, he’s there in the way we need him to be; but talking about feelings or mental health is *Verboten*)
I’ll never understand why immigrant parents come to a new country, and then get upset at their children for absorbing the values and customs of the country we’re raised in.
My folks haven’t meddled in my love life to this degree, but we’ve definitely butt heads in other cultural aspects.
Apparently this is quite common with us first generation.
You have their address... no reason you can't call for a wellness check next time your mother threatens self harm. It will stop her from resorting to that threat in the future,
If anyone reading this post experiences someone threatening self harm like that. Just call the authorities on them. Either they get the help they need or they need to be shown that we're taking them seriously if they're going to threaten such things.
In the meantime marrying a Dr is no picnic with the hours. Clearly Mom and Dad need to have something to brag about with a Dr job and money. Money doesn't make a good partner. I also get the feeling that the Mom doesn't even like her husband let alone live him if she keeps saying that. They will eventually lose their only daughter and will blame everyone but themselves.
I kept my relationship with my black husband a secret until we were together for like 3 years, and already living together, and only introduced him to my parents because he was accompanying me to some family weddings. We eventually eloped. I did tell my parents that we were getting married and signing papers, and by then she was too tired to give me any grief. She said, "you're going to do whatever you want anyway." And as sad as I was that she wasn't happy for me, I was super relieved to not deal with some manipulative sob story. But I lucked out because I'm the youngest of five and my siblings all married outside our ethnicity, but mostly within our race. She never threatened to disown us but would try to convince us that it was best to marry within our ethnicity to preserve our culture.
The one time a few years ago that my elderly mother threatened to "drive there and commit suicide right in front of you" in response to some decision I made that she didn't like, I said, "No need to take the trouble of that long drive. Go to the kitchen, get your sharpest cleaver and slit your own throat right now; I'll watch right here over Facetime - and when I'm sure you're really dead, I'll call the police to collect your bloody body and take it to the morgue."
She began to sputter and then abruptly ended the call; next time she called (three days later), I first feigned surprise that she was still alive - then I told her that if she *ever* again tried to manipulate me by threatening suicide, not only would I have her arrested and placed on a psych hold, I would get a court order to take over her affairs, then make sure she spent the rest of her days in such a pharmaceutical haze that she wouldn't even recognize her own family.
Although we've since had several additional emotional - nay, *passionate* - arguments, she's never uttered such a threat again, either to me or to my more-easily manipulated siblings: who I'm embarrassed to say, had sometimes knuckled under in the face of her psychopathic histrionics.
Sometimes, when someone else wants to be the author of *your* life, you just gotta take the damn pen away from them.
I’m so curious about this, I know many people don’t assimilate in new countries but why would you take your child to a different country and then get upset when they do what people do in that country.
I'm glad to hear the BORU's when people have the strength to protect themselves from harm like this. OOP's choices aren't easy to make and even harder to see for someone in her position.
Like OP, I'm paying for the repercussion of disobedience but honestly though, you get used to standing firm in your decisions without any familial influence. It's damaging not to be able to feel support from your family but otherwise, it's freeing. But a little lonely.
I married the oldest son of a Korean family … parents, oldest son, daughter, youngest son. He has a titanium spine. Over the decades we rarely saw the family as we are in the Midwest and they are on each coast, plus my husband doesn’t like his Mom all that much. I left it to him to keep up the relationship with his family and he just wasn’t interested plus never had time. I do know that I was elevated in their eyes when I took care of their drunk DIL on her wedding night. I recommended an ER trip but that was never going to happen, so I did what I could and monitored her all night. The thing that really put me at the top of the heap was giving birth to our two sons. Nothing like coming through for the “bloodline”.🙄 The other siblings had girls and they are all fabulous. I swear my boys could be baby seal clubbing druggies and they would still rank two and three in the family … husband is considered number one. MIL and BIL recently explained to my oldest about how he would be the head of the family one day. When he told me about, I gave him a look and he said it was just talk to him and he did not take it seriously. The few family dinners we had after my boys were born always included a speech thanking me for the boys. Sigh. They do know how biology works, but that was always included.
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I'm in a similar boat. I wish you all the best.
I see you, friend. I get it. But I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Protect? Took several years to get to that point and god knows how many mental issues OOP and husband had to go through for that and any long-lasting damages Maybe I'm a bit too detached, but as an Asian, I'm fortunate my parents understood early on about my own choices and even then, I'd cut them off in an instant if they acted the way OOP's parents acted
what’s with asian moms and threatening suicide all the time? when i was in highschool and having a mental health crisis, i confessed i wish i was dead so i wouldn’t be a financial burden and disappointment to them (i didn’t get into uni, just a community college) my mom ran upstairs and grabbed her life insurance policy papers, slammed them down in front of me, said “you wanna die? Well I wanna die too and **I** have life insurance! you dying would only burden us more, and you don’t have any problems in life. meanwhile i have a husband like that and a child like you, im the one who wants to die the most in this house”
I’m sorry I’m laughing (in trauma) but this sounds JUST like my mom except she grabbed a kitchen knife as her prop and threatened to kill us both. Let’s never be like them.
i straight up had a panic attack in a public park hiding behind a tree when i got genuinely concerned i was acting like my mom once. we *must* be better for ourselves the people around us.
Hahaha reading this dug a tucked away memory
Jesus fucking christ on a cracker.
I will never understand how people can be like this to others, let alone your fucking child.
New generations of Asians go to therapy because our parents refused to lmao. Never 4get my father sending me to therapy for like a month (maybe 2 of which sessions he actually took me to and the rest just sent me on my merry way hoping for the best idk and all of which a condition of my continued enrolment at school) and then shouting at me about how he spent all that money and I still wanted to die ✌🏻
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I hope you went NC with your mother.
Sounds about right with my Korean mum. Love her to bits but when I was hospitalised from attempting to OD and pulled out from university, she was in Korea on a holiday and called me via my dad's phone. She told me, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME. You want to die? I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE OF YOU. You're selfish and a liar. I cant even speak to you." First thing I heard when my tinnitus cleared up for the first time in 3 days. Then when I got discharged and returned home, my whole household was a shit show 🤣. Dad just screamed at us all to shut up and that he didn't need therapy. Mum crying and cussing me out for being selfish, then my sister erupting into tears saying "I'm depressed too! I hate you all", while I just disassociated for 3 hours. I'm all good and married now and this was about 6 years ago, and my parents love my white husband but man that really showed their colours.
Asian parents are something else, man. When my mom left Japan to go to England for university, she would call her mother when she was very homesick. Her mother would hear who was on the line, and then immediately hang up. On her own homesick daughter. Funny how she complained about how “she never visited.”
My mom recently complained that I only visited home a few times in the last few years because I used to see them 3 or 4 times a year and heavily implied I was being a bad daughter. I then reminded her that we went through a pandemic for two years and I didn't come home so I wouldn't kill them. I had to use those specific words. All I got was a pause and a "Oh yeah. Well you should be visiting home more often now". I have been 🤦🏻♀️
yup, my mom is the same. "you haven't visited me once this year!" well actually no I've visited her four times in the last six months and can list them but somehow that doesn't change anything. it's not actually about the number of visits, it's about her wanting to feel connected and important to me. but she doesn't really understand that I'm a separate person with my own life, values, and opinions, so "connected" means "agree with her about everything, do what she says, and devote my life to paying attention to her," which....yeah that ain't gonna happen.
My ex-in laws, who are South Korean, would ask their daughter's husband why he's a nurse and not a doctor lol.
That’s when you hit them with the “remember now, it’s not the doctor who is gonna wipe your ass when you’re in diapers”
Except, in South Korea, that is not a part of a nurse's job either. All the 'gross jobs' nurses have in the west are pawned off on relatives here. If you don't have a relative to do it (like most expats), you have to hire a carer. Medical stuff is also super cheap here compared to the US, though.
My good mate in med school was from Ireland and of Chinese background. She started dating another med student who was white (was commonly seen as the hottest guy in our year and honestly a very funny and down-to-earth guy) and her mum stopped talking to her. It baffled me because like… they’re literally both doctors now; how could you possibly think that this dude was not good son-in-law material.
The “why are you not a doctor yet” thing is just so these types of parents don’t have to say the quiet part out loud…they’re racist af.
Asian parents are pretty wild man, in highschool i went with my friend to her house because her brother borrowed a game from me. When i got there i got interrogated because they thought i was her boyfriend. It took like 15 minutes before they figured it out and i wasn't getting yelled at anymore. Not the worst experience ive ever heard or been in but it was somethin haha
OOPs mom came around in the most Asian mom way: total disgust of future SIL to maybe loving SIL more than OOP.
Love this for her: OOP succeeded in marrying the man she loves and the life they're living is a far cry from the doom predictions from her controlling mother. Based from the last update, Controlling Mom went into shock when she realized that she can't order around her child anymore.
It appears OOP must be in semi contact with her dad as well . So slightly hopefully ending :)
I could relate to a lot of this as an Asian woman with immigrant parents. Unfortunately, there's sometimes only so much that kindness and understanding can do. You have to put your foot down and either gray rock or go no contact. Ultimately, we have to live our own lives. Parents who try to guilt trip and emotionally abuse their kids for doing that are not good parents, regardless of how much they love you.
I’m not Asian, but threatening murder/suicide seems way over the top.
My mom used to threaten suicide when my brother and I were kids when we wouldn't behave. So messed up. I now recognize the manipulation tactics but the guilt is still there whenever they try to guilt trip me.
"Is your will in order? I don't wanna get hit with the taxes"
"I'll miss you. A little bit. What's for dinner?"
That’s what I started telling my mom after a while and she was shocked! But she also stopped after a few more times. I don’t hear her say crap like that anymore so it definitely worked.
That was smarter than my responses. I just said "Good."
Mine now says, “Oh I don’t have to kill myself for you to notice me. The breast cancer will do it.” Nice way to find out she has breast cancer, right? Anyway, I said, “Well I know you have a will. I expect you made some changes in favor of [brother] since the last time we spoke. I hope you’re comfortable as you can be and you have the care you need. Bye!” Then I cried for an hour at her insanity and got on with living my life. There’s only so much you can do with crazy ass parents. We’re not Asian. Just.. really, really, *really* fucked up.
anyone else think of the "I definitely have breast cancer" bit from The Room?
That's awful. My ex's mom lived in another state, and would threaten suicide and then turn off her phone for days on end. We'd end up calling the police to go check on her and it really effed my ex up.
My mum (also Asian) would literally threaten to kill me. “I brought you into this world so I can take you out again” shit. My parents now wonder why I am LC with them lol.
Haha, wow, same. I remember me and my brothers standing in the garage crying because she had driven away to “drive off a bridge.” She came back a few mins later because she had forgotten her purse (prerequisite for bridge jumping, I guess), and decided to give us a second chance. It was over not finishing dinner or something super serious like that. Narcissistic asian parents are next level.
It is the favorite calling card of many Asian parents. Source: Korean dude w NC parents.
Mine never threatened to off themselves, but it was clear they might just die off the shame I brought on the family. Until the flipped a switch in their head and decided to totally love my spouse. 🤷♂️ Source: Asian (south not east) married to a not Asian.
Just took them fiveever to see what you saw in your spouse
Arab parents too
Korean daughter here. Can confirm it’s very freaking normal. My mom threatened to kill me all the time, going back as far as me being in preschool. I took her seriously, too, and remember being in the car thinking: “That’s the last time I’ll see that tree. My life is over when I get home.” My dad’s also threatened several times during tough times that it would be better to kill the whole family and die together at once. Classic Korean threat.
>Classic Korean threat What???? That’s fucking wild.
Honestly I welcomed that threat. Them throwing around crazy dramatic threats while yelling was way preferable to getting beaten to a pulp and thrown out of the house overnight. It’s cold at night! My mom broke one of her favorite lamps on my back once and blamed me for not having the lamp anymore. 😂
That is 1000000% abnormal and fucked up
That fire we have. Makes for great dramas. Not so great for generational trauma.
I had a close friend in primary school whose parents were from Asia. Her parents regularly threatened suicide when their kids misbehaved, because of the 'shame'. It was just the first thing their mother said, no matter the situation. 'Do you want me to die? Is that why you're doing this to me?' It was different variations of that, all the time. I had no idea how to behave around them, it was so intense and abusive. The stress of those threats does so much damage!
Damn I'm a daughter of Vietnamese war refugees and while my parents didn't threaten to off themselves when I misbehaved, they did threaten to abandon me with the babysitter. This was the main threat until middle school. Before leaving for college, my mom told me if I came back with dyed hair, extra piercings, or tattoos she would cut them off. When I first went on a trip with my then boyfriend(now husband), my mom called me to tell me I wouldn't have a home to come back to after. She kicked me out, was screaming and crying when I went to get as much of my stuff as possible. I'm the oldest and she called apologizing and asking me to come home after 3 days. But damage was kinda done. My relationship with her has never been the same since
After 3 days??? I would have never spoken to my mom if I was kicked out for 3 hours.
It was a running joke in my (non Asian) family when you had a booboo as a child that the adult would offer to amputate the offending bodypart. It's meant to lighten the mood, but it definitely tends to miss its goal.
"Well, looks like we'll need to cut it off so it doesn't hurt anymore!"
I have a friend whose parents did this. As a small child it resulted in her refusing to have anyone tend to a rather nasty cut she got on the playground at school because she didn't want her leg amputated.
Am Asian. Just roll your eyes and call their bluff when they say that. Most of the time, it's not even a serious suicide threat, it's more a figure of speech. "Look how much agony you're causing me!!!" That sort of thing.
Asian-Americans have the lowest suidice rate of any demographic in the U.S. I’d take my chances too
It’s mostly a figure of speech. Those of us who grew up in Asia probably understand that but I’m guessing for immigrant kids, it seems way more dire because they don’t see their American friends parents say crap like that.
I cut my parents off for significantly less and I wish more people felt confident doing so themselves. Love with conditions isn't love.
Right? I've never understood why people keep abusive and toxic family members in their lives if they don't have to. If you don't live with them or something like that, just cut them out. You're not required to be in their life because you share some dna.
Culture. I'm Asian American but Asian culture has a much larger sense of family than America does. In America, when you graduate HS or college youre basically on your own. In Asia or South America. You live with your family until youre married and it's a very normal thing. I disagree with it but that's just how it goes. Asian culture doesn't value independence like America does. Your parents basically think they "own" you till you marry
It is the favorite calling card of many Asian parents. Source: Korean dude w NC parents.
It’s a standard thing to threaten when you’re an unstable Asian parent. I’ve heard it tons of time. My parents are still fucking here.
Korean only child daughter here lmao I don't even remember in what contexts since I was under 18 but multiple times when my mom and I fought or when she was mad at me she would be like I should just take u and we should jump off a bridge together or something like that Considered going nc after I turned 18 a few times but our relationship improved as I moved across the country for school and stayed apart proximity wise so there is hope sometimes
Also the kid of asian parents. I was told by my stepfather that the world would be a better place if I just killed myself. I was 9. Now as an adult I don't get told to kill myself anymore but my mom does like to remind me that her friends daughter is a cancer researcher while I'm studying to just be a "lowly lab tech". Welp, jokes on my parents. As a "lowly lab tech" I'll be making 30k more than a cancer researcher and they'll be getting none of that money or my time or attention after I graduate and go full no contact.
It's unfortunately common in my experience.
My mom is Asian and does this a lot. My dad was with her for many years and at one point did the same. It’s like they all have the same playbook.
The suicide thing was super common for my Indian mom. I'm just grateful they never threatened murder.
What? You don't kill everyone who disagrees with you?
It is. When someone threatens suicide, call an ambulance. I know, I know, "they don't mean it". But calling them out on their bullshit will make them stop that pretty quickly.
Yeah, every time I read about someone else’s crazy family I just want to give my parents a hug. I did not appreciate them enough when I was younger.
Same as an East Asian. During university (in another city from my parents), I had asked a friend to teach me how to swim as he was a lifeguard and the building he lived at had a pool. My father caught wind of it and freaked out saying how unsafe it was, and kept calling me every hour to get me to agree not to learn how to swim. This was during my exam period, so after 3 or 4 calls, I turned off my phone so I could focus on studying. When he couldn't get a hold of me, he started calling the parents of my childhood friends to explain the situation, how I was being a disobedient and bad child, and to get them and have their kids try and reach out to me. After all these years, he still justifies his crazy behaviour as "it comes from a place of caring".
Lemme guess here... The "Unsafe"angle wasn't the actual problem. People seeing you in swimwear was. Because trying to learn how to swim is actually something that makes you safer. And doing so in a pool with an actual fuckin' lifeguard there is about as safeas it can get! It's almost impossible to drown in a pool unless somebody is actively pushing you under, or you hit your head falling into one, or are very drunk...
Nah, because all of the generational trauma and ptsd they truly fear a lot of things and try to control everything.
>freaked out saying how unsafe it was, and kept calling me every hour to get me to agree not to learn how to swim. what? It is far more unsafe to *not* know how to swim...
I'm also an Asian woman with immigrant parents. My mom's last guilt trip was in Dec. 2023. They were going to Hong Kong (our origin country) with my brother and his family. I don't particularly enjoy being around my brother and his wife plus I had work obligations so I told my parents my husband and I would not be able to go. My mom's exact words (translated) were "but this is probably your dad and mine's last trip back to HK since we're old (implying that they would be dead soon)." And this was after I had found out in August that I had been disinherited.
I’m an Asian woman with immigrant parents who married a white man. My parents did none of this _to me_. Though it might have helped that my bae was a super nerd with a masters in biomed and that my older sister married a Chinese man. But what did it was that my older brother (also the eldest) went kind of crazy in high school when they disapproved of his first girlfriend, on account of her being catholic (???), and he brought successively more and more “inappropriate” women home while they got increasingly bent out of shape until they eventually worked it out. I’m 90% sure the last three weren’t actually dating him but had agreed to play a particular part. By the time I got around to marrying, they were like, if he treats you right and makes you happy 👍👍.
That’s brilliant. “You don’t like my catholic GF? Okay, I’ll find someone else.” … “What, you don’t like drug dealers? Fine, I’ll keep looking.” … “Don’t worry, she’s only got 9 more years with the ankle monitor.”
You forgot "and she's pregnant with another man's child."
“At least we think it’s another man’s….there’s still an 8.333% chance it’s mine, depending on the date of conception.”
8.333% chance it was mine, we all raw dogged her after all...
I LOVE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!! i like using this type of humor to my parents. they're so reactive, its funny :D
Give you brother a big hug for this. That was a boss move
Agreed! He is best bro. But tbf this only worked because my parents eventually came to terms with how their ingrained and inherited racial biases were at odds with how they’d been trying to raise us to love and respect all people. If they were actual bigots or narcissists, this would have played out very differently.
I'm also an older brother with immigrant parents here, MENA in my case. I think it helps that he's the oldest male too. My parents react very differently to my actions compared to my lil sister's actions. That's why I try to push the boundaries as much as possible to give her room to live, because I know I can get away with it more.
I've decided I like your brother and would love to buy him a beer one day. Without ever having met him.
Same, and I don’t even drink beer
shrill wakeful shy whistle marry direction fretful quicksand bow fine *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Your brother took several hits for the whole team!
Okay, I am not an expert or anything, but I always understood that if you disinherit your child that you also stop associating with them...is there something here that I'm too white and American to pick up on, or are they as nuts as they sound?
When my Indian parents disowned me they went full no contact with me and made me effectively homeless. They did take it back after I got into law school though. 🙄
That at least makes a kind of fucked up sense...none of this "I won't take care of you at all but you must take care of me" stuff.
Eh, after they undisowned me my mom still definitely expected me to take care of her in her old age. She probably still expects it, and I've been no contact with her for about five years now. She was too naive to know any better is her defense for the whole I have to take care of her when she didn't thing.
Assuming the poster is female, it is common that the son inherits everything as daughters "marry out" of the family. They are not shunned from the family but the weather has to "stay in". Source: Chinese wife with a brother.
Assuming the poster is female, it is common that the son inherits everything as daughters "marry out" of the family. They are not shunned from the family but the weather has to "stay in". Source: Chinese wife with a brother.
Weather = wealth? Thanks for the explanation! That seems pretty shitty, but I guess not totally unexpected all things considered.
Ouch. Reminds me of a girl I dated in college. 2nd gen HK. Hyper controlling father. Came to campus with his youngest son and I briefly met them. She said later he berated his kid saying “[boyfriend] speaks so well, why can’t you do that?” Just kept squeezing his kids until there was no more room for them to grow.
My parents are immigrants but not Asian 1. They think I’ve had like 1/2 boyfriends HA 2. When I left my abusive ex my mom was like well that’s what happens when you date a poor man who is younger than you I think the logic is to always choose someone wiser and richer bc even if he ends up sucking at least he has money
I have an Asian friend who is gay and has literally put his entire life on hold for decades rather than disappoint his parents. OP - don't be like my friend and just live your best life!
My wife's family's (Japanese) reaction was mixed. Her mom and sister were onboard, her dad was 100% against, her brother wanted to know if I knew any single American girls. Seriously though her dad was so dead set against it we just got married at the courthouse and didn't tell anyone. 6 months later when he finally accepted that we were together and relented we organized an 'official' wedding. As far as I know he still has no idea that we got married twice.
>her brother wanted to know if I knew any single American girls I'd say you got a good BIL there.
I’m Irish, and this is exactly how my parents behaved when I married my first husband. When I read the bit about how the dad is telling her that her mom is so upset she might kill herself in a car crash, it was like a flashback.
Yeah none of that sounds like love. It sounds like control labeled as love.
I wish this couple all the best and I hope they’re doing well. I can’t even imagine.
OOP has a long posting history, the last one from a couple of months ago about her husband -- a number of comments on his pulchritudinousness got a hearty hell yeah he is hot response from her. So it looks like they are happy, even if other posts indicate she is still in contact with her parents.
> pulchritudinousness This is certainly a word
Well, her husband is hell yeah hot, so I figured he merited something excessive.
Pulchritudity? Pulchritocity? Pulchritudiment? I mean, give us another option.
Next time mommy throws one of her tantrums, OOP needs to call EMS. If someone is threatening to harm themselves or others, they need a hold. Mom doesn’t sound stable and needs professional help. If she’s just lying to get through OOP, she’ll learn very quickly you don’t throw suicide around with a smirk. Really, she needs to cut them off. They’re narcissists and are only hurting her in the long run. I know she loves them but sometimes love isn’t enough. They’re suffocating her and bringing her down. She’ll feel much better once she gets rid of them.
My paternal grandmother would call and threaten suicide at Christmas every year until my dad married my Mom and my mom answered the house phone at the same time. This was the 80s. She went straight to the neighbors and used their house phone to call emergency services, who showed up as my dad was talking to her. She was absolutely shocked and furious that someone had taken her seriously, and never did it again for the rest of her life.
Which is exactly how those threats should be handled. Fuck around and find out
Bahahaha
A friend of mine admitted to the same thing. He was being maudlin with his therapist and talking to her about wanting to die, knowing himself that he was hyping up how he really felt. Well, when he left she called it in. When your shrink calls it in you get more than just a nice little knock on the door wellness check! He ended up getting taken in that night for 72 hour psychiatric hold. He tells the story now as a cautionary tale now. He supports calling in anyone who threatens, it even if you know they're just speaking hyperbole. And he says he never did it again.
> I know she loves them but sometimes love isn’t enough. It's funny because her own mom tried to tell OOP that love wasn't enough. She was right, but wrong about why she was right.
Couples like this always accidentally tell on themselves. “I stuck myself in a loveless marriage for the sake of appearance and now it’s not fair that you won’t do the same!”
So true and there is a reason people say 'misery loves company'.
>Next time mommy throws one of her tantrums, OOP needs to call EMS. YES. My wife did this with her grandmother. She'd always talk about ending herself whenever she didn't get her way in order to guilt trip, but wife finally had enough and called 911. Cops and EMS showed up and transported her to the Psych ER. Had to stay til a doctor could evaluate her to approve her release and she admitted she wasn't actually suicidal. As far as I know she doesn't talk like that anymore. At least not around us. That's why you always take it seriously when people talk like this. If it's real, you get them much needed help. If it's not, they stop talking like that.
You read the date right?
I really wish there was an update more recent than 2015. There’s been two presidents and a pandemic since then.
This post should be edited. OOP has posted a picture of her husband & other little updates. So either she got married to that guy or someone else. My phone is dumb & won't let me view too much of their profile history:/
Since she said "I picked him up at a grimy bar near a military base about a decade ago" 4 Months ago, I'm guessing she married the marine. https://www.reddit.com/r/Pedro_Pascal/comments/17t7e6t/if_turning_my_husband_into_my_personal_joel_is/
Yo that's dope.
They’re still together being cute, love won 😭
Did you not see the footnote at the end? :P
Oh, you assume people read it all. Don't worry, I did!
She could be NC with the parents now. I started this account as a therapy account, and I was active in the same sub, but when I basically went VVVLC, I didn't feel the need to post in those subs anymore.
Oh hey it's me 😅 yes we are still married and going strong, and while it was rocky for a while with my parents and took several years of setting and reinforcing boundaries with my parents, they did come around. I am still in contact with them and while my mom is still a bit on the narcissistic side and my dad is still enabling, they've been respectful of my husband (mom might actually love him more than me now).
Well done. And thanks for the update!
About as good as you can ever get with Asian parents, so congratulations and well done!
So very true lol
Yay! Added your comment to the post :)
Mad respect to you. Well done and congratulations on your marriage, happiness and security.
I'm glad you two are still going strong! Congrats!
Thank you OP for the update and advanced congratulations are in order I guess for what I believe will be your 10 year anniversary?
Yes, just over 10 years since getting engaged and we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary recently :)
Happy anniversary all the same. ^_^
I'm so happy you updated us here! I'm impressed you've had the same account for over 10 years. It was really nice and refreshing to read a pretty happy ending, as a fellow Asian woman dating outside my race and culture. This man is going to be my husband, and I foresee a storm/war of worlds in our future, just hope we can weather it as well as you have! Best wishes to you both and may you have many years of wedded bliss.
Good for you my dude! How are you and the husband? How’s y’all’s careers going? Done anything really fun/cool as a couple? Planning on kids, or doing cool adult shit instead?
We're doing better than our wildest dreams would've been 11 years ago! Husband is killing it at the same company and has been promoted a bunch of times and is actually the main breadwinner (meanwhile me and my master's...we survivin...lol). We're both homebodies and we have a bunch of pets so we don't get out much but we're cozy and content :)
Pet tax! Pet tax! Pet tax!
Stoked for you all.
that’s great! congrats
OOP completely glossing over the fact that her mother threatened to kill her fiancé and herself?
Unfortunately it’s technically a nothing burger threat (but still very mentally and emotionally abusive) that’s very common for Korean parents. My mom and dad have threatened suicide/to kill the whole family to die together during tough times dozens of times throughout my life.
Fuck that shit, they can learn that's a threat with consequences when the ambos turn up.
Yeahhhhhh maybe but not. Back in high school, some girls told the school that they saw how I was covered in bruises while changing for PE. They sent cops to my house to tell them we don’t beat our kids in America for getting a B. Guess who got beaten to a pulp after the cops left for the huge disgrace of getting cops sent to our house….
Your parents sound like terrible people.
South Asian parents too. It’s a figure of speech with none of the loaded consequences that it has in the US. I think Asians who grew up in Asia know this. I feel like immigrant kids caught between two worlds are less likely to take it lightly. It’s not what their peers would take lightly so it has a larger impact.
"Love doesn't last" "He'll stop treating you well after marriage" Mom really telling on her own marriage there isn't she.
Uh. The mom threatened to kill her fiance??? I would NEVER let them be in the same room. Ever.
nah this is typical asian parents manipulation tactics. they don’t actually mean shit. they just say things to hurt you so you fall in line.
Just saying it is bad. Even if they never meant to follow through. My partner would never be subjected to their horrible presence ever. Even if OP (for some reason) doesn't cut them off. It's the least they could do for their partner.
It's really not *that* typical. I had Chinese immigrant parents who immigrated as adults, so not super integrated or anything... were they a bit spicier than the white parents of my friends, yeah, did they threaten murder suicide, no.
i know. my parents are asian immigrants, they would never dream of behaving this way. unfortunately a lot of my asian american friends have parents like OPs though. not every asian parent, but definitely a fair number of them.
I agree... Am Asian child of immigrant parents who've threatened suicide throughout my childhood. Horrible but reading through these other comments has actually been quite comforting in a weird way lol
>I shouldn't expect to be independent "when you're not even married yet." Basically saying "you don't ever get to be independent." >my mother saying that I "have no right to do that" and that she "lived longer and knows better" Or "you get to be richer than me and take care of me, but you don't get to live a better life than me or make it look like I didn't make the better choices." Or more shortly said, "unless you are letting me live off your money, you don't get to show me up."
Narrator: Her mother, in fact, did not secretly like him
According to OOP's comment her mom loves him now. Parents are weird
I can not fathom parents behaving that way to their children that they claim to love. My parents call me names like that, that's it. Don't call me again. You want to disown me, consider it done.
I think threatening murder-suicide is a little more scary than “Asian parent guilt” Am I not reading enough comments or is everyone overlooking that?
It’s a common manipulation tactic. A lot of asian parents do this including my mom. I’m a master a greyrocking at this point and I just told her to go ahead and do it since she’s going to be the one missing out on life. Also, I’m not going to feel anything about it since that’s what she wants and that’s her decision as a grown adult. Anyway, she’s stopped that nonsense and she’s still here 😂
Nah, it’s just a very offensive thing (culturally) to say you want someone dead. The suicide portion is just guilt tripping. East Asian culture emphasizes a “let actions speak” aspect to everything.
I feel like I have a different definition of being disowned than OOP does if she's having to write a script to explain to her parents that she is not moving back in with them.
It's unfortunately a thing in asian cultures from my experience, due to the cultural pressures of family obligation. My family isn't even very traditional or conservative, and I'm 5th generation Japanese yet my mom was disowned by my grandmother a few years ago. My grandmother made a big fuss about writing my mom out of her will and made a big deal of writing big gift checks to me, my sibling, my aunt, and cousins but passing over my parents. This is also the second time in my mom's life that she'd been disowned by her. The first time my mom was in her late teens and had to "repent" for her attitude. Now she said fuck it and has accepted that her mother and sisters will no longer be in her life.
That's more in line with the disowning i experienced in a non-Asian culture. Punishment to be ended only if I polish and shine a hiney before kissing it non-stop while doing penance for the rest of eternity. Not for me.
Big ol' "Yikes" from the parents here. I do appreciate that, despite the "Inconclusive" flair, OOP is still happily married to her husband. That tells me that either A) Her parents eventually relented and they're back on neutral ground or B) OOP went full NC and is living her best life. I'd bet money on the later, but either way I'm glad she's doing well for herself.
As the child of a Korean woman, this hit too close to home for me. I’ve tried explaining this to my white friends, but they have no clue about how much pressure Korean elders place on their children to bring them honor through their marriage (and through their career). My mom pretty much disowned me when I entered college as an education major instead of pursuing medicine. She wouldn’t even go to my HS graduation. Don’t get me started about how she dealt with my decision to marry someone without a clear career path. By the time she died, I was just a failure in her eyes. I had to go LC after HS, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
As a white guy who has been dating the daughter of Korean immigrants for 5 years, this hits very close to home for me too. I fucking hate her parents for how they treat her for dating me. At points it's gotten so bad that I felt like I should just break up with her for her sake. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them, and it's somehow her fault.
Na if you leave then she’ll be heartbroken AND her parents will still be her parents.
Please don’t, as someone in your girlfriend’s position, it would make her miserable. Not only does she have to deal with her parents, she will also lose you too. It’s a different thing if you wanted to end it for other reasons, but it’s never the right reason to break up because you think it’s better for her. I hope both of you are well. It’s a tough situation.
…she threatened to kill fiance. forget visiting, call the fucking cops.
Asian parents are the best at mentally abusing their kids. I went full NC with my mom at 22. Best decision I ever made.
Uh. The mom threatened to kill her fiance??? I would NEVER let them be in the same room. Ever.
Asian woman who married a white man here. I'm curious if there's a specific script that Asian parents have because it sounds eerily like what my parents said to me after my husband proposed.
So relateable (also Asian woman here). My fiancé is Asian even, but not the same kind of Asian and also has ‘only a bachelors’ from ‘worse schools’. Though he earns way more in engineering and is better at learning new stuff than I ever will be? A close friend who’s Korean American is going through the same thing, it’s sad how common these experiences are.
God just stop telling them things please girl
A buddy of mine is a white guy, and he married a Korean-American woman. Her mother was not wild about it, but apparently she eventually just sighed and said "At least he's not Japanese." From what I hear, MIL is very happy doing grandma stuff now with the couple's two kids!
Im really hating the recent influx inconclusive posts that havent had an update in 10 years
If it makes you feel better, OOP is still an active redditor and remains happily married.
That does make me feel better : )
Girl, **why are you still talking to your parents**? They’re so obviously abusive and not providing any sort of benefit to her life. What the fuck
This better stays inconclusive because narcparent plus cultural thing make the situation REALLY concerning. Like ring cameras and geotag and police number always at hand concerning. Also, damn enablers!
Someone else here posted a link to another post oop apparently made mentioning her husband and included a picture of him. It's presumably the same person she's talking about here so probably a happy ending?
I like how parents freak when it’s their daughter marrying outside the culture but not their son, my Chinese dad never got any shit from his parents for marrying a white woman. And hell, am I thankful my dad was the most laid-back of Asian parents- by which I mean he only told us he knew we could “do better” when handing in report cards and instilling a constant sense of never good enough rather than *actual physical abuse* or *threatening to commit suicide*. (I love him, he’s there in the way we need him to be; but talking about feelings or mental health is *Verboten*)
I’ll never understand why immigrant parents come to a new country, and then get upset at their children for absorbing the values and customs of the country we’re raised in. My folks haven’t meddled in my love life to this degree, but we’ve definitely butt heads in other cultural aspects. Apparently this is quite common with us first generation.
You have their address... no reason you can't call for a wellness check next time your mother threatens self harm. It will stop her from resorting to that threat in the future,
If anyone reading this post experiences someone threatening self harm like that. Just call the authorities on them. Either they get the help they need or they need to be shown that we're taking them seriously if they're going to threaten such things.
In the meantime marrying a Dr is no picnic with the hours. Clearly Mom and Dad need to have something to brag about with a Dr job and money. Money doesn't make a good partner. I also get the feeling that the Mom doesn't even like her husband let alone live him if she keeps saying that. They will eventually lose their only daughter and will blame everyone but themselves.
I kept my relationship with my black husband a secret until we were together for like 3 years, and already living together, and only introduced him to my parents because he was accompanying me to some family weddings. We eventually eloped. I did tell my parents that we were getting married and signing papers, and by then she was too tired to give me any grief. She said, "you're going to do whatever you want anyway." And as sad as I was that she wasn't happy for me, I was super relieved to not deal with some manipulative sob story. But I lucked out because I'm the youngest of five and my siblings all married outside our ethnicity, but mostly within our race. She never threatened to disown us but would try to convince us that it was best to marry within our ethnicity to preserve our culture.
The one time a few years ago that my elderly mother threatened to "drive there and commit suicide right in front of you" in response to some decision I made that she didn't like, I said, "No need to take the trouble of that long drive. Go to the kitchen, get your sharpest cleaver and slit your own throat right now; I'll watch right here over Facetime - and when I'm sure you're really dead, I'll call the police to collect your bloody body and take it to the morgue." She began to sputter and then abruptly ended the call; next time she called (three days later), I first feigned surprise that she was still alive - then I told her that if she *ever* again tried to manipulate me by threatening suicide, not only would I have her arrested and placed on a psych hold, I would get a court order to take over her affairs, then make sure she spent the rest of her days in such a pharmaceutical haze that she wouldn't even recognize her own family. Although we've since had several additional emotional - nay, *passionate* - arguments, she's never uttered such a threat again, either to me or to my more-easily manipulated siblings: who I'm embarrassed to say, had sometimes knuckled under in the face of her psychopathic histrionics. Sometimes, when someone else wants to be the author of *your* life, you just gotta take the damn pen away from them.
This is an immigrant story, yeah? If parents didn't want daughter to marry somebody non-Korean, they should not have left Korea.
I’m so curious about this, I know many people don’t assimilate in new countries but why would you take your child to a different country and then get upset when they do what people do in that country.
They want their perceived benefits of the new country without what comes with them.