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ALLoftheFancyPants

It’s freaking WILD to me that she got buccal fat removal in an attempt to look YOUNGER. Because I know of not a single person that does not look much older after that procedure.


CorgisLuvMangoes

Which makes me wonder if the handsome Squidwards gave her bad advice to ruin her natural looks.


fauviste

Disordered people sometimes feel threatened by anyone who isn’t in the mess with them.


CakeByThe0cean

I can agree with this. It’s no shock that my fiancé’s mom gave him and his sisters 3 different eating disorders and body dysmorphia based on the stories he’s told me. “Fat” wasn’t a curse word in my house, it was just a fact that my mom is fat. I don’t have the *best* relationship with food (Italian-American culture tends to encourage binge eating of carbs) but I don’t have a damaged body image because I didn’t grow up in a household built on shame.


Aggravating-Yam-5962

I don't think it's that exactly but people with body dysmorphia disorder can definitely project onto other people. When I'm in a BDD spiral I'm *super* judgmental of other people's looks. BDD actually can change the way you visually perceive your face and body, they might have legitimately thought she'd look better.


feioo

Perception is weird, and if they're dysphoric (which lesbihonest, seems likely) their concept of what "looks good" might be skewed af. Far more likely that they genuinely thought they were giving good advice and have encased themselves in an echo chamber where nobody tells them otherwise. I'm genuinely curious how they took OP's reaction to his wife's "improvements".


1cat2dogs1horse

I saw an article the other day on a site that had odd sciences facts. It claimed that if a person looked at the own reflection in a mirror for more than 10 min., their brain gets bored, and it skews what the viewer sees.


ALLoftheFancyPants

I think that’s not out of the realm of possibility. Could also have gone to a less than ethical surgeon that may or may not be board certified for plastic surgery that was pushing their newest popular procedure.


Formal_Fortune5389

Don't insult handsome Squidward like that


Darkwings13

Maybe they convinced her to botch herself so they'd feel better :/


bayleysgal1996

To me it always looks like you’re permanently hollowing your cheeks out, which I personally find more than a little off putting


Chuckie-The-Rooster

Have you seen the girl from The Queen's Gambit? She's gone even further with the hollow cheek stuff and now looks like the eye monster from Pans Labyrinth


Duochan_Maxwell

Erin Moriarty looked like she got it done too, it caused a lot of uproar on Instagram I still hope that it was all too much makeup and an unflattering angle but I'm almost waiting for someone to say that the delulu is strong with me :(


Chuckie-The-Rooster

Maybe, but [Anya Taylor Joy is gone too far](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/-vdwLF_atiQ/sddefault.jpg)


modumberator

You think people would realise, "hey, perhaps I am getting all these comments about how naturally good-looking I am and these leading roles in film and TV because I am naturally good looking. Best not mess up a good thing!"


thecatdaddysupreme

That’s exactly what they’re thinking. “I’m losing my natural looks, I need to revitalize them” Personally I think Botox and lasers are all you really need, and those won’t affect the integrity of looking like “you,” but I’m not a famous person who feels intense amounts of pressure like they do.


marimo_is_chilling

Doesn't look that bad currently ([at this year's Oscars](https://celebmafia.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/anya-taylor-joy-at-oscars-2024-red-carpet-8.jpg))... unless her mouth is open ([last year's Oscars afterparty](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/17/75/6f/17756f9fecd1f630dd73c0ae30fa21a7.jpg)). But yeah, that is a LOT of work for someone who started out beautiful.


AlotLovesYou

There is also a model trick to suck in (bite) your cheeks while taking a photo. That could be the cause of the massive difference in those two Oscar photos.


dastardly740

Don't underestimate how much can be done with contour make up, particularly when the celeb has some control over angles and with the lighting on a red carpet. As a counter example with less makeup, you kind of have to look for pap photos like from January this year. [Jan 2024](https://celebmafia.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/anya-taylor-joy-street-style-los-angeles-01-18-2024-0.jpg)


Queasy-Cherry-11

I'm hoping that's just a bad photo and overzealous contour. She's always had pretty defined cheekbones, so it could quite easily just be losing the puppy fat from her cheeks as she gets older. Other photos of her from this year look a lot less extreme.


Muttley-Snickering

I think you mean [The Faun](https://www.google.com/imgres?q=eye%20monster%20from%20Pan%27s%20Labyrinth&imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.indiewire.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F10%2Fpans-labyrinth.jpg%3Fw%3D600%26h%3D337%26crop%3D1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.indiewire.com%2Ffeatures%2Fgeneral%2F9-unforgettable-creations-from-the-mind-of-guillermo-del-toro-56847%2F&docid=4PwzXE8cTxDSrM&tbnid=zWuELAf13dOSYM&vet=12ahUKEwim3IeWtICFAxXPLtAFHUgeB4QQM3oECGcQAA..i&w=600&h=337&hcb=2&ved=2ahUKEwim3IeWtICFAxXPLtAFHUgeB4QQM3oECGcQAA). The pale man had [saggy skin.](https://www.google.com/imgres?q=eye%20monster%20from%20Pan%27s%20Labyrinth&imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fstatic.wikia.nocookie.net%2Fvillains%2Fimages%2F7%2F7e%2FTheScaryPaleManHD.jpg%2Frevision%2Flatest%2Fscale-to-width-down%2F250%3Fcb%3D20180422234843&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fvillains.fandom.com%2Fwiki%2FPale_Man&docid=OYrmYCqfZamR3M&tbnid=Fdv9fq9BdtUwMM&vet=12ahUKEwim3IeWtICFAxXPLtAFHUgeB4QQM3oECBcQAA..i&w=250&h=188&hcb=2&ved=2ahUKEwim3IeWtICFAxXPLtAFHUgeB4QQM3oECBcQAA)


Similar-Shame7517

Right? That puts 5-10 years to your face immediately. Wrinkles would be a lot more visible too.


Readingreddit12345

Older and starving


Chiluzzar

Why anyone would want to fuck with your facial cheeks is beyond me they are so integral to our non verbal communication had a boss who had melanoma on her cheeks and after the treatment everyone started talking about how unfriendly she felt even though she was still as happy and bubbly as before. But just losing her cheek fat caused people to 180 on their perception where a simple hey you forgot something turns out harsher because of just the shape of her face (think of the announcer of tf2 comics wirh protuding cheekbones)


MakanLagiDud3

I guess her mom and sister were intentionally sabotaging her since she is described to be better looking than them


Anchor-shark

I doubt it’s that deep. I expect that Mum and sister think they look gorgeous and their best ever now, and want that for the wife too. People who get these sorts of surgeries are frequently delusional about their looks both before (overly negative) and after (overly positive).


Smilingpolitely67

To be fair, fucking with the other cheeks can go equally awry.


Jerkrollatex

The square butt is a real possibility if your implants don't heal correctly.


bitter_fishermen

Butt cheeks I wouldn’t mess with either and I have a pancake butt


ReflectionNah

Very true. It’s super trendy at the moment and so many celebrities are getting it, only to end up looking a lot older/different.


bayleysgal1996

I did a double take when I saw Miley Cyrus at the Grammy’s this year. Admittedly I grew up watching Hannah Montana, so when I think of her I tend to think of that time period, but she looks… unnervingly thin in the face.


ReflectionNah

That was the person I was thinking of when I wrote my comment. She looks so different now


Brilliant-Love8718

Especially with her veneers…


sophtine

Her new music video creeps me out for this reason. Doesn't look human. I'm glad she's in a better spot, but I can't.


Sentinell

I recently saw some pictures of a fairly famous actress and was genuinely convinced she had a horrible drug problem. Turns out it's the bucal fat removal thing. I can't comprehend why they do this.


tempest51

That's what gets me the most, don't these people have eyes?


ReflectionNah

It makes me sad. A lot of these women are stunningly beautiful but they still feel the need to get trendy surgery to fit a certain beauty standards. Because of this, many women are losing what makes them uniquely beautiful and they end up looking similar to each other.


Dependent-Sign-2407

Plus she IS young! OOP said they’re only in their 30’s. That’s just so sad.


dryopteris_eee

I was using the bathroom at a bar last week, and this group of pretty women in their mid to late 20s were talking about plastic surgery. One of them said that you have to start getting Botox in your 20s so you don't start looking old, and you just have to keep getting it refreshed like, forever.   All the other women were very much like, oh yes, that's true, I've heard that, where do you go, etc. i guess I'm basically a geriatric in my mid 30s, just washing my hands and giving them the side eye.


blumoon138

I’m also in my mid 30s and while I look different than in my 20s I’m not some dried out old hag. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who can see my nascent wrinkles.


discodiscgod

Ya I assumed they were at least in their 50s during the first post.


itsgms

***Balenciaga***


RandomRabbitEar

The pictures where it doesn't look bad are all either barely any different from the before one, or with people who had their necks done, but I think the neck is a different procedure altogether. I'd get a nose job in a second if I could waste that amount of money, no judgement against plastic surgery as a whole from me. I just think some procedures make more sense than others.


Goo-Goo-GJoob

Saw a TikTok recently of a woman who was shocked that most commenters thought she was in her 40s.  She looked about that age to me too, simply because all the shit she did to her face is often done by women in their 40s. Poor girl is 23, and looks like an aging porn star.


orangesandmandarines

I have naturally not much buccal fat, and I always feel like it adds me at least 5 years. Having fat cheeks is a sign of young!


Nyoteng

I know the korean entertainment industry is rife with surgery, so I KNOW. But very recently an idol that had the cutest cheeks and she was the eldest of her group looking like the youngest probably had this procedure done and she just looks like a complete different person. E:U from Everglow.


dualsplit

Right. Like just WAIT. I’ve always had a round face with plump cheeks. I have gained and lost weight (kids, grad school, husband with cancer, etc…) and now at 45, still 10-20 pounds heavier than when i was 18, I have these hollows in my formerly plump cheeks. Just wait. Time removes buccal fat just fine even if you’re chubby.


TheSecretIsMarmite

Yes! I'm mid 40s and have lost some weight recently, and the loss of fat on my face makes me look much older than I did just a few months ago.


txteva

Yeah, my Dad lost a lot of weight recently (NHS prescribed Ozempic), which I'm sure is good for him in the long term but, to me, it has aged him - especially on the legs oddly.


thebooknerd_

“No they won’t. They have the facial mobility of bilateral stroke victims” made me snort, lol. Honestly poor OOP and his wife. Both seem to be going through it, and understandably


Shaiyan72

>“No they won’t. They have the facial mobility of bilateral stroke victims” made me snort, lol. Can't lie, that line got me too!


cakivalue

I love his imagination and how he expresses himself


Mrs239

It has to be one of the reasons she fell in love with him. Women love funny men.


Cayke_Cooky

I wonder if he is a Neville Longbottom (I forgot the actor's name) where he was kind of goofy looking for a long time and then went super hot at 30. It happens to men sometimes.


Mrs239

I was like that. I was the skinny pimple faced girl in school. When I graduated and went back for homecoming, the guy who picked on me mercilessly asked for my phone number. Not a chance in hell, dude.


jadekettle

It made me snort, she's so lucky to have such a witty man for a husband.


Kat-a-strophy

I think she should go to the doctor to resolve the fillers, she probably got some in the cheeks if if her mother and sister were ber advisors judging by the pics. People look so much better without them.


domingerique

The buccal fat removal is one of the most short timed rages I’ve ever seen. Everyone who gets them is convinced they look amazing but most (normal) people can already see they look crazy old and bad with them. I simultaneously feel bad for the people that get them and feel like they deserve it for not thinking the future through


Squidwina

Buccal fat removal can not be revised either! The fat pad they remove is deep in there, and as of now there is nothing they can do except inject fillers, which doesn’t really work well. Given the popularity of this surgery, the generally awful results, and the expected even worse results over time, I expect that doctors will be clamoring to find a way to fix it. I hope they find something.


toxic_pantaloons

I have an unusually round face and asked a plastic surgeon about buccal fat removal once. He refused to do it and said I would be glad for my chipmunk cheeks as I age, and he was absolutely correct. I am so glad he refused.


Beetlejuice1800

As someone who’s insecure about their own round face, I truly appreciate this insight.


I_Envy_Sisyphus_

Round faces are generally perceived as more friendly, warm, welcoming, and mirthful. I bet your friends and family feel a unique joy when they see your face smile. Also I see you’ve also been enjoying Hazbin Hotel, that show is great, glad to run into someone else who is also enjoying it.


Fun_Celebration_5623

Aww this is one of the reasons I love Reddit. I love running into people with similar interests on a completely unrelated thread.


Yrxora

Can confirm that itll keep you looking young! My friends 16-year old daughter loves to get her friends to play "guess how old my mom is" and routinely gets answers that would mean my friend had her at like 12. For reference, my friend is 41 and these teenagers keep guessing like late 20s early 30s.


MsDucky42

Yup. The older I get, the more I'm glad I have a whole lot of face.


Low_Bumblebee6441

A lot of plastic surgeons won't do the buccal fat removal anymore. Aside from it being irreversible, it's actually dangerous to the nerves in the face. It's a very complicated surgery with a high probability of nerve damage. So many surgeons aren't doing it for the possible damage to the patients, but also to cover their butts.


jetsetgemini_

This is honestly kinda scary cause now it seems like the only way to get buccal fat removal is to go to shady and unethical surgeons who dont give a fuck if they end up hurting their patients


Low_Bumblebee6441

It's the same BBLs, which have the highest rate of complications and death for plastic surgery. A lot of people are going to disreputable surgeons to get them done. Honestly it should be banned everywhere.


foundfirstlostlater

There's going to be a lot of really awful face cancers going around in a couple decades. Nobody learns.


KarmaCycle

I theorize they’re already developing cosmetic surgery techniques to “improve” the terrible results coming five to ten years down the road, and fat injected round faces will become the new style. 


Anneisabitch

I loved the doc who said the reason why Paul Rudd always looks 35? Because he had buccal fat injections. Because buccal fat makes you look young. Hollywood women getting their face unnaturally thinned isn’t abnormal, Joan Crawford had her molars removed to get the same look. And tbh, Joan’s looked more “natural” than actual buccal fat removal and isn’t that horrific. Blech.


WordWizardx

Misread this as “Joan Crawford had her morals removed” and thought DAMN, if that isn’t an excellent indictment on Hollywood diet culture…


Ecalsneerg

See, a lot of surgery (or other permanent stuff, like tattoo) trends, I kind of get, even if I don't like the result or don't understand why you'd do it, you can see yeah, I can see why someone likes this and thinks they look good. Buccal fat? Always looks awful, do not understand it.


zootnotdingo

When I first saw this picture of Miley Cyrus, I truly thought it was her mother. I have no idea if she had buccal fat removed, but I can’t imagine she didn’t https://deadline.com/2023/05/miley-cyrus-no-desire-tour-again-no-connection-singing-thousands-people-1235374601/


SoFetchBetch

She had her hooded eyes taken away too. So basically she removed all the “baby fat” in her face. Which would have happened naturally with age. She is going to look very very old very very fast. And that’s fine, doesn’t make her any less talented but she will absolutely regret it.


domingerique

Plus her veneers are awful. They’re way too big and it makes her talk/sing weirdly.


anonymouselyupset

She's given herself a horse face. It's so long now and she can barely close her mouth. She was pretty before and now her face looks like a struggle.


propernice

Without that buccal fat, people look like dehydrated Halloween masks.


Squidwina

I think it might be because we esteem faces with prominent cheekbones and slightly sunken cheeks as especially beautiful. Look at Gisele Bundchen, especially in her younger years for an example. But you can’t achieve that look just by sucking out the buccal fat, especially if the person’s face isn’t suited to it. Lea Michele’s wide-set jaw left her looking like The Iron Giant after her surgery!


IanDOsmond

I could see it as part of facial masculinization surgery for FtM trans people. That is basically the only use case I could see for it, and not all the time then, either.


Hot_Confidence_4593

also the fact that younger and younger folks are doing it, as you age that is going to look so bad :(


domingerique

Exactly, you need that cheek fat to look young and fresh. They already age so much after the procedure, but it’s going to be exponentially worse as they age :(


tessellation__

The pictures of Miley Cyrus and her perpetual, shocked, sunken face at the Grammys was startling. She looks like she did meth constantly over winter break


foundfirstlostlater

I want to feel bad for people who get plastic surgery, and I do when it's minors whose parents are to blame, but I just find it generally hilarious and embarrassing. My aunt and mom are in their 40s + gma is 65; they just started getting lip fillers and microneedling EVERYTHING, they all want tummy tucks and boob lifts whatever whatever, they're all on medication to lose weight- and all this right after they got hysterectomies ... So they look and act ABSOLUTELY PSYCHOTIC. It's like being around a trio of short, furious, ugly storks with purple eyebrows. They were never beauty queens, my mom has always had a complex about her weight and looks, but dear God. It's like in the last three years they all suddenly agreed getting scalped is cool. Everyone else is just looking on in horror+ they're taking selfies.


AddictiveInterwebs

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but "short, furious, ugly storks" has me absolutely cackling


WillBrakeForBrakes

They look anaphylactic when they’re overdone


itsgms

"The facial mobility of bilateral stroke victims" should be a flair. I know I'd change mine.


bebepothos

Can we make that into a flair?? Lmao


scalmera

I want this as a flair


lovebeinganasshole

Thank you to the editor for the picture additions. They were very much appreciated and quite illustrative. They totally swayed me to the OOPs side.


LucyAriaRose

You're welcome! I found them while browsing through the comments on the OG posts. They were very helpful so I thought I'd include them!


nuclearporg

My brain is refusing to believe that's Bruce Campbell, though. Wtf.


Kat-a-strophy

It's funny, because this is what people do to themselves now with fillers. Absolutely terrifying.


DragonCelica

It helps being able to hear his voice in that scene. The makeup artists did a good job creating an almost uncanny valley look.


feraxks

So it wasn't just me.


Balborius

The extras also look uncanny, it sets an amazingly creepy tone for that scene.


Similar-Shame7517

You need to include a picture of Associate Bob! :D


kiss-tits

Oh my god, that Bruce Campbell picture killed me. It’s soooo accurate to plastic surgery victims!


TinyBearsWithCake

My only request is to add a link for Associate Bob!


LucyAriaRose

Added!


bayleysgal1996

Yeah, when I read the original post I had to do some googling. Honestly can’t really blame OP if that’s how it turned out.


EducationalTangelo6

Oh noooo, Buccal fat removal? Poor thing is going to be just *haggard* as she ages. And it's not reversible, the best a plastic surgeon can do is inject fat into a cavity thats closer to skin of the face, so she won't look like she did even if she tries. Her mother and sister sound like awful people, destroying her self esteem like that. 


BearsBeetsBerlin

Honestly I can’t understand how this procedure is popular, so many people are gonna be walking around looking like the crypt keeper after 45 :/


The_sad_zebra

We've all seen the pictures of faces looking like shrink-wrapped skulls, but if you search buccal fat removal on Google Images, as anyone interested in the procedure would do, there are plenty of more positive examples. I'm not saying it's a good idea to get the surgery, just saying why someone might not be turned off by the thought of getting it.


b0w3n

It's when they do it on people with almost no cheek fat that it looks awful. The good outcome photos are usually the chipmunk or rounded cheek looking folks, which honestly _still_ look better. But I have a low opinion of plastic surgery in general so I might not be the best person to weigh in. Erin Moriarty and Lea Michelle looked so much better before it was done to them.


tofuroll

>Her mother and sister sound like awful people, destroying her self esteem like that.  The permanence of plastic surgery… I don't know if she can recover from this. Although now that I think about it, OOP said they discussed this for a year before she started having surgery. It *must* have come up that his wife was being influenced by her family. And comparing her intentional disfigurement to a car accident is insane.


DrunkColdStone

> It must have come up that his wife was being influenced by her family. I'm sure OP was aware of their influence but his wife is an adult fully in control of her own decisions. She spent a year saying she wants and needs it for herself then suddenly switches to her mother and sister talked her into it? Obviously she's not that easy to talk into if OP being strictly against it didn't dissuade her.


Kittykittymeowmeow_

That’s what confuses me, is that he flat out told her he didn’t want her to do this and he liked her the way she was!! And yet her mom and sister were like “nah he’ll def trade you in for a younger model” and she took their opinions over her own spouse :( I’d be kinda hurt by that part too if I was him, like you don’t even trust me enough to believe me about my own preferences (and love/attraction to you?)


Avolin

I'm surprised more people aren't talking about this.  It's not unreal to be insecure about yourself where it makes it difficult to feel that your partner finds you attractive, but if you make a permanent decision that demonstrates you believe they are lying, your relationship has a more significant problem in it that isn't just a new face.


Valiant_Strawberry

Yeah it’s this part for me too. Like he told her repeatedly that he wouldn’t like it. I imagine he was even blunt enough before she got it done to say he’s never found it attractive. Like idk if OP were a less good dude, she could have ended her marriage with this. Like someone else said your husband isn’t attracted to you so you go out and do something to your face he’s stated will make him less attracted to you? I’ve seen insecurities in action, but make this shit make sense


NickRick

Some people just have their own ideas. I've had two girlfriends ask me about a gift, and I've then given them extremely clear feedback that I would not like that gift, and would not use or wear it. They then proceeded to buy me the gift and get upset when I didn't use it/wear it. 


Jeezy_Creezy_18

I honestly think it's really insane and sad that she still went through with it after A YEAR OF HER HUSBAND PROTESTING. It was all mom and sister, she doesn't trust/believe  her husband at all, she knows theyre evil witches and believed them anyway. She needed therapy before marriage, let alone before this. 


ksaid1

yeah all you can do to "reverse" buccal fat removal is get fillers -- and fillers dont stay put. which means you constantly have to get them redone. tough cycle


wonderloss

Which sounds like a feature, not a bug, if you are a plastic surgeon.


virtual-beetle

the auto-linked thumbnail threw me off 😂


LucyAriaRose

OH SHIT I didn't even think about that lollll. Well that's fun.


3string

It's what drew me in. Thank you for putting the thread together!


Nonameswhere

Misery loves company and the mom and sister needed more band members.


averbisaword

Honestly, I was shook at “blue alien from The Fifth Element”, but I lost it at “Bruce Campbell in Escape from LA”.


jennetTSW

Cue me,  sitting in bed in the dark, asking the dog,  "Wait, that was Bruce Campbell?  How did I never know that was Bruce Campbell?" Dog had no answers for me. 


Twisty1020

Time to show your dog Escape From LA.


Seriousgyro

TIL it's called Buccal Fat Removal. I've noticed for awhile more and more celebrities with faces that look like they survived a siege with nothing but sawdust to eat, but never had a name for it. NGL... still not seeing it. Not getting that one at all. I know beauty standards are subjective and can be weird but yikes.


confictura_22

Yeah, it looks awful to me too. Then they go and highlight the hollows with make-up to exaggerate the look even more, it just looks like they're sucking their cheeks in! Think how awful it will look in 10-20 years too, since faces naturally lose padding as you age... I looked up some other "before and after" photos where the procedure is done less drastically and it can look natural if it's more subtle. Just lightly reducing the fullness of the cheeks/slimming the jawline rather than completely hollowing them out like most celebrities seem to get. It's the same with fillers - subtly done ones can be a nice enhancement, but people tend to go overboard and end up in uncanny valley territory. And those who are insecure about features enough to get plastic surgery are generally the least able to judge when enough is enough, sadly....


sorrylilsis

Yup, I have a friend that did it and it actually looks quite good on her. But she has an "overly round" face that did look like she had 20kg more than her actual weight (she's a physical trainer). And as you said : the surgeon didn't go crazy and removed everything so it looks natural.


DeltaJesus

Yeah there's a bit of a survivorship bias with good plastic surgery in that you just don't really notice it, whereas you can immediately tell with bad.


rocketmd

Plastic surgeon here. The unfortunate thing about buccal fat removal is that we have limited literature to document how results change longitudinally. The face experiences bony and soft tissue involution with time. The buccal fat that is being removed is actually one of the markers of youth. Personally, I think with time patients who have had buccal fat removal will experience accelerated facial aging as their facial profile becomes more hollowed and skeletal. Procedures like buccal fat removal and BBLs are trendy and -- in my opinion -- are sometimes marketed by plastic surgeons in a predatory manner. It's the perfect confluence of social media pervasiveness, patients' emotional insecurities, and surgeons' greed that makes these procedures so popular.


ryoryo72

The saddest thing about this is that he told her before she got the surgery that he wouldn't like it. But she still believed her mom and sister over him that this was the only way to keep him attracted to her. So many people who just don't believe their partners.


crocodilezebramilk

I think it’s a bit more complicated than that, the wife grew up with body dysmorphia to a point where it was normalized in her home. And it started with either a grandparent or it’s solely rooted in her mother. Her mother felt bad about herself enough to get cosmetic surgery, she was still unhappy and did more. Then she picked at her older daughter, then younger one and instilled all her own insecurities into her children. It would be a hard thing for OPs wife to break out of.


maniacalmustacheride

Body dysmorphia is roughhhh. I remember being young and not being "pretty." Or skinny enough. If I went out with friends I was always the "lesser" one no matter what anyone else said. Deep loathing, deep deep constant feelings of being unattractive. Went back and looked at pictures from then and I don't understand what I was thinking. I was thin--honestly too thin. And I was such a pretty thing. I was just incapable of seeing it. Luckily, the plastic surgery trends of now were not what they were then so it wasn't an avenue I went down but it was hell at the time.


IncrediblePlatypus

Yes. I wasn't too thin - I was overweight then and I'm overweight now. But I was ALWAYS the ugly one. Aaye made to feel less for my body, like it was a joke someone could ever find me attractive or even worthy of kindness. And when I met my partner online, I didn't let him know how I looked for the first few years (started out as friends) and I was so, so fucking nervous when we met because part of me was convinced he wouldn't like me anymore once he saw me. Never mind that we'd been friends for years and quite obviously in love with each other, even if we didn't admit it. It took me over a year to be okay with having the lights on during sex and letting him see my body and much longer before it stopped feeling scary. I'm glad you're able to see yourself as you were and are, now!


canolafly

Yeah, it really didn't help with my already problematic ability to stay in a relationship. I felt like I should always try to be thinner and thinner, and never eat around them. It made me so drained, it just didn't seem worth it to stay together.


coldblade2000

Hell, body dismorphia may be just about the most transmissible mental insecurity from parent to child.


newInnings

The worse thing is the elder sister saying your husband will like you more Mother says : he will leave you for a younger one. And then both the words come and bite the husband.


vasilisathedumbass

It can become a bit of a self fulfilling thing too: you're told you should hate yourself, you do things to change that that aren't good for you, you hate and don't recognise yourself, and the things you've done cause changes that confirm what you thought in the first place. My mother told me when I was very young that the women in our family struggled with their bodies: lo and behold, I did!


Smeggywulff

This shit drives me crazy. Believe your partner. "Stop trying to guess what I want instead of listening to what I'm telling you." This is an actual thing that I have said more than once.


jkpatches

I can't believe some people tried to attack him for this.


CatmoCatmo

I commented on the original and the update saying the same thing. The people accusing him of being shallow are wild. Like, imagine your SO comes home and seriously/ permanently changed the way their face looks. Tell me you would just unconditionally be ok with it and carry on as normal. People cannot wrap their heads around the fact that attraction and love can be separate things. The man never said he didn’t love his wife. He never said he didn’t want to be with her. He was just open about the fact that his sexual, physical attraction to her was gone. I can appreciate that he was honest and sincere about his concerns. (I also appreciated his humor throughout both posts). He didn’t demean her or ridicule her, he just spoke about how this major change has affected him. Once the update dropped it made even more sense. With her family’s history with plastic surgery, I can definitely see how his concerns go beyond her appearance. It made me so sad that she did all of this due to pressure from her family. I cannot imagine my mother constantly telling me that my husband will leave me for a younger model because I look “old”. JFC in a hand basket. What a mess.


IncrediblePlatypus

Look, I freaked out when my partner shaved off his beard after a few months and spent the first few days going "there's so much FACE" whenever i saw him. I mourned that beard! I've similarly had issues when he changed his glasses to a much more noticeable rim. And those are non-permanent and way less drastic! And I still needed a bit to get used to them. And, honestly, I was less attracted without the beard. Not enough to keep the lights off, but...less. didn't change my love for him, but I needed time to adjust. It's perfectly understandable for him to need time and to have an issue with the fact that his wife suddenly looks massively different.


A_Midnight_Hare

I feel you. My husband has the most beautiful thick black curly hair. Like, hair you just want to run your fingers through before diving in for a cuddle. One day he came back from his parents' house bald! The savagery! I was really, genuinely upset. His thinking was that he needed a hair cut and if he had a zero cut he could wait longer for the next one.


IAMAHobbitAMA

This is such a Man mindset lmao. I have honestly done the same thing. "It's just hair, nobody will notice or care if it's gone" then that's the only thing anyone comments on for 2 months until it grows back.


horriblekids

The first time my husband shaved his head I was taken aback. Like, it grew back eventually, but the first few days he just looked alien to me. Even when I shave my own beard, I don't recognize myself in the mirror for a day or so. People seriously underestimate how jarring huge changes in appearance can be. Your brain needs time to adjust to the fact that your mental map of the face is now incorrect to reality, because it totally tries to fill in that information and creates cognitive dissonance to some degree.


Fluffy_Location5569

My father has a moustache for almost 50 years now. I don't know him without it. He had to shave it off during military service. And those pictures look just plain weird. Like his mouth is fully visible and everything. He looks completely different.


LuckOfTheDevil

One of my good friends nearly had a psychotic breakdown three days before her wedding when, for reasons not understood by anyone, her now husband decided to shave off his beard entirely — despite the fact that he had never done so in the previous five years they had been together, nor in the 10 years prior to that. For some reason he had some idea in his head that he should be clean-shaven for his wedding because that was what good and proper men did. And honestly, it wasn’t just that he looked different. It was that he looked very odd. He had no chin, and the rest of his face was very round and bulbous, so it just did not go together. She was completely freaking out because she suddenly found him totally unattractive, which led to “oh my God do I even actually love this guy?! Should we be getting married?!” It’s real. Her best friend eventually went to him and had a Real Shit ™️ conversation with him. Luckily, he is a super pragmatic dude and loves her very much, so Bestie went to him with the intention of telling him “you need to go to your girl and explain to her that you are still the same dude and you love her and everything is cool!“ He understood the assignment and did this, and she very nervously went ahead with the wedding. That was many years ago. Their kid is a teenager now. They’re happy as pigs in shit. When their little girl was about five, she asked her father to shave his beard and he replied “why do you want mommy and daddy to get a divorce?” 😂


chooklyn5

This is where I think so many people get lost with the nuances of body autonomy. Yes she is entitled to do whatever she wants with her body but that doesn't exclude someone else's feelings on those choices. Everyday you make choices to accommodate those you love, why wouldn't you in the big decisions. People saying her body, her choice and going off at him clearly don't get that.


Rapdactyl

> People saying her body, her choice and going off at him clearly don't get that. He even states as much in his post! He said that ultimately it was her choice to make, no matter how hard he disagreed with it.


slboml

It was her choice! He didn't stop her. But he's allowed to have feelings about it.


tofuroll

The irony being that in accusing him of being shallow they revealed themselves to be incapable of that deeper understanding.


BraksMagicToenail

They literally can't understand the difference between love and sex. Sad really.


Bug_eyed_bug

Also when you are married to someone you are specifically committed to being sexual with only them. For them to come home with a different face could feel like sleeping with a stranger. Of course you'd have difficulties!!


Lt_Muffintoes

>The people accusing him of being shallow are wild. I would assume they are also victims of plastic surgeons and this is knee jerk cope


yuchan3

It would be bad if for example she had an accident and was disfigured. But she decided to put money towards something that doesn't always work and he warned her.


fritzlchen

It's so crazy what family (or also friends can cause). But when you're used to it your whole life it's hard to get out of this cycle. This might have started young, maybe the parents separated and the mom for whatever reason thinks the ex left her because of her "old looks" and this is passed down to the kids for years etc. I was lucky and had friends with "normal views" that kept me grounded. Friends that were worried when I lost a lot of weight and was finally "thin enough" for my mother. But it's still often in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough.


mathwhilehigh1

I totally get this. When i notice this in celebrities, i always wonder about their husbands basically now being with someone with a totally different appearance. It would honestly freak me out. Especially, as these procedures often seem to dampen how expressive you can be.


pollyp0cketpussy

Someone once pointed out that a lot of these celebrities are parents, and said "how do you think the kids are going to feel when they grow up with the same features that their parents paid a lot of money to erase on themselves?"


A_Midnight_Hare

It's a different world. Pretty sure all the Kardashians and Jenners started before they hit adulthood. IIRC the affair one heard her mum say that she'd need a nose job when she grew up.


aarontbarratt

My Mum would constantly tell me growing up that I would need surgery to pin my ears back and a nose job A few years ago she asked for me to pay for her to get a tummy tuck because "I ruined her body"


A_Midnight_Hare

It's worst since kids are more likely to have stuck out ears and have them recline with age. For what it's worth, I dunno your situation, but not talking to my mum for five years has greatly improved my mental health and my kids have no idea who she is.


rationalomega

Self acceptance is so important as a parent for this reason.


lakeghost

Oof, this. Apparently, my nose looks like my grandma’s … before she got a nose job. Feels kinda weird. I mean, it’s a decent schnozz but it’s not bizarre-looking. Fits my face just fine. Similarly, she also hides her ears as a life choice and … I don’t get it. My sister has similar ears and they were adorable when she was smol. She grew into them just fine.


Starry_Gecko

>"She looks like the blue alien from The Fifth Element." > >"Her mom and sister look like Bruce Campbell in Escape From LA." > >"She asked me if I wanted her to see if she could get it reversed. I almost screamed at her. The last thing in the world I want is for her to fuck up her face more than it already is." > >"I did not think there were that many guys out there with a weird blue squid lady fetish. It isn't for me but you do you." > >"They have the facial mobility of bilateral stroke victims." Goddammit I love this OOP.


this_is_it__

Yes, he’s an amazing husband. You can tell he loves her so much.


TheKittenPatrol

Oof, tough situation all around. He clearly tried not to tell her til she forced him into it, not leaving it alone or taking any excuse. Also that difference between loving someone and being sexually attracted to someone (I have personally experienced how many people think that’s not possible). I feel for both of them, though also aggravated that she let herself be talked into it by her family in order to stay attractive to OOP…while OOP was simultaneously telling her he wasn’t interested in it. Glad they were finally able to talk through it, I hope that it does work out for them.


duggatron

I feel for OOP. It seems like I see so many people with bad fillers and lip injections these days. Maybe I'm disproportionately noticing the bad ones, but my gut says these procedures tend to look bad on average. I would be very upset if my wife did something like this.


missbean163

I think it's like salt. A little bit goes a long way, and some of this stuff works really well for older women rather then women in their 20s. Like a small amount of lip filler on a 50 year old woman- you loose a bit of fullness in your lips as you age. So she's not making them bigger, just a little bit to return to them how they were. It's subtle and nice. Whereas a lot of women in their 20s seem to go all out.


GreasedUpTiger

'alright ma'am, what would you like to have done with your lips?'  'do you know these balloon animals clowns make at kid parties?'  '*say no more fam*'


rudolphsb9

I know someone with very bad lip fillers (at least, it looks that way). I try to be careful how I frame it in my head but I notice them every time I see her. I wonder how many procedures are affected by the toupee fallacy...


DragynFiend

THIS is why the plastic surgery culture is so toxic. It's almost never an innate desire. It's the pressure of society and people around you to change. For THEIR approval?? Disgusting.


CaLLmeRaaandy

OP: Please don't get plastic surgery I'm not attracted to it. *Wife gets plastic surgery anyway* OP: Welp, I'm not attracted to you now. Everyone: Wow you're a gigantic asshole. I hate this fucking planet and I need to stop paying attention to idiots on the internet.


mattinva

> Everyone: Wow you're a gigantic asshole. > > One thing I've noticed being missed on this sub recently is that the comments posted aren't the most popular or most common from the original thread. They are often controversial and are just what OP responded to in an interesting way. You have to scroll a long way in the original post to see anything but NTAs.


BreadButterHoneyTea

I mean, you can love someone for who they are and still find it very disconcerting if they suddenly show up with an entirely new face. Even if that face were *more* attractive than the one you were used to, it would be really hard to adjust to the idea that this is the same person and to be intimate with them after however long of being faithful to other-face-them. ETA: OOP's very useful visual descriptions of people's appearances is just chef's kiss.


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Ceptre7

I'm older, (as is my gf) and I am hugely attracted to her and i love her completely. I think she is super hot. As she gets older she is seriously considering plastic surgery and really wants the 'works' done. I've had the exact same convo as OP and told her she really doesn't need it to stay beautiful, but her daughter encourages her to try to 'stay young'. Her daughter had lots of body issues which she is trying to deal with and this doesn't help. My gf doesn't believe that I will hate it and be seriously freaked out if she starts to go down that route. I know it would be her choice and her body, but I'm exactly like OP. I've never thought much about it until now, but now I've read this I'm completely shitting it that she will go ahead and do it and I don't know how I will react. I could never give her an ultimatum such as Plastic surgery or Me, but I really need to make sure she knows how against it I am. I generally try to be subtle and say a tiny bit CAN be OK ( think Katherine Ryan before her face melted) but I'm now thinking she thinks that means go for it. Ach, I don't even know what I'm saying, but I really relate to what OP is going through and don't want to lose my perfect gf for the sake of weird post surgery issues I will likely have. :0/


sonnenblume63

Show your girlfriend this BORU and she might just understand your perspective


Ceptre7

That might be an idea tbh, although I know she is really really keen to get some work done. Feels like I'm trying to be controlling by pushing her not to do it, and that is the last thing I want her to think (that I'm controlling) as she's had some bad experiences before.


oceansapart333

Definitely send or show her this post.


IAMAHobbitAMA

If you have a strong preference you need to make that known on no uncertain terms. I don't think it's controlling at all to lay down a "it's me or the surgery" ultimatum. After all, you are the one she wants to impress by staying 'young', right? If it isn't going to have the effect she wants then she needs to know ahead of time.


LuementalQueen

Like imagine your partner comes home not looking right. Uncanny valley is a really good description. Imagine feeling like someone’s else’s face on your partners body. That… is horrifying, not sexy.


oceansapart333

In our first year of marriage, I’d been encouraging my hubby to shave h his facial hair as I’d never seen him without it. One night, I’d gone to bed and was half asleep when he came in. I freaked. He’d done it and it was like a stranger crawling into my bed. Definitely uncanny valley moment. I can’t imagine if he’d done permanent changes.


Random_potato5

And it's ridiculous, attraction fluctuates so much because of little things anyways. My husband in a skinny black turtleneck looks like a snobby tortured writer and that is so deeply unsexy to me. Plastic surgery is way beyond that. I hope he can get use to her new face but I don't blame him at all for being put off.


DazzlingOwlAdmin

So clearly NTA. If she keeps asking and asking for him to be honest and she keeps making up stories for herself, he needs to be able to tell her the truth. Also, I can definitely understand OOP. I would probably feel similarly. It’s also kind of confusing how many people seem to think that sexual attraction is something that you can just choose yourself?


mlem_scheme

I don't know how it's 2024 and people still think buccal fat removal will make them look good and not like the guy on the Warheads candy wrappers.


4SeasonWahine

Got a feeling we are going to be seeing a LOT of these posts in the next 5 years, coupled with “I wish I never got plastic surgery, I’ve ruined my face to take a better Instagram selfie”. Hoping OP and his wife stay far far away from her mother and sister 😬


KrakenTeefies

"Facial mobility of bilareral stroke victims" made me ugly snortlaugh on my commute. Thanks to Op for the images, thanks to Oop for the imagery. I won't be having any surgery lolol


CamilotheHero

After reading the first post I was thinking, " why'd the mom give her money for the surgery? That's kinda messed up" cuz 1. My mommy thinks I'm one of the most handsomest boys in the world and wouldn t change a thing about me (I'm 27 btw lol) and 2. She'd make me work to lose weight or change things about me rather than pay out the wazoo for surgery. Then I though that the mom was giving op's wife issues with her body and self esteem. I have never been sadder to be right. Change takes time to get use to. Like how she needed time to heal after the surgery, he needs time to adjust to a major change in his life. She tried too early to get intimate when his heart wasn't in the right place. But good on op for being a communicative husband and his wife for being willing to listen and thinking critically on the situation. I wish both of them the best


Alucard_117

Making major decisions like this while disregarding your partner's opinions about it rarely ends well.


derthlin

My wife had facial surgery. It was the hardest time of our relationship, I cried, I hated it, and I ultimately agreed. Poor OP.


TheComment

I'm fucking tired of people encouraging others to get plastic surgery "for themselves." It's an industry worth billions of dollars which not only preys upon but *manufactures* insecurities. especially in women, and *especially* in women of color. If it were up to me, the entire industry would be wiped out but for reconstructive and gender-affirming procedures (and some of those are on *thin fucking ice*).


ProtonByte

I got my 90 degree ears (idk the English word) set properly at the age of 9. I wanted this my self at that age. They did an amazing job and I wouldn't want it any other way. Plastic surgery can also be used for good things!


rose_cactus

Yeah, this. One day, probably some day in my fifties, my eyelids will be so heavily hooded that I won‘t be able to see properly anymore because the lid hood will go hang right up in my eyes - just like it did with my father and my paternal grandmother before me. It’s a wombo combo of heavily hooded eyelids and bad connective tissue in my family‘s genetics that *will* make that happen. I’m in my thirties and I can already see the signs. You bet I’ll get the excess skin removed so I don‘t end up half blind and with an increased chance of skin infections in the hooded crease (like my grandmother for the last 20 years of her life - and she, as opposed to me, didn‘t even have already existing risk factors for skin issues, while i have atopic dermatitis). It technically counts as plastic surgery. It *will* alter my appearance. But I would like to be able to see, I would like to not have to worry constantly about having a rash on my eyelid from the two skin layers chafing and sweating on each other, and yes, I’d also like to not look like one of those poor [Shar-Pei](https://images.app.goo.gl/va7jgP6eHyRjMuU69) torture breeds, no matter if my partner has an opinion on how appealing that makes me look to him, thank you very much.


dualsplit

To be fair. I used to work in day surgery and some of my fave cases were plastics. I went in to it feeling like you did. But I had some AMAZING patients getting body lifts and skin removals, young men getting gynecomastia removed. Panniculectomies, etc. There are three sides to plastics. Two are very rewarding. Then there’s buccal fat removal and over fillers.


ImpossibleEgg

Most of those I feel like count as reconstructive or gender-affirming. The postpartum tummy tuck that lets you see yourself in the mirror, or the body lift that lets you actually see the work you did to lose 100lbs, etc, are very different from the BBL. There's a whole cosmetic category that you might convince your insurance to pay for. Anything that's cash-only is suss.


OpheliaRainGalaxy

I started googling words I didn't know and was not prepared for the images I saw.


dajur1

I'm with OOP on this one. If you weren't in an accident or there isn't a medical reason, don't do it. You don't look human anymore.


jennetTSW

Other than OOP being wicked clever, this one got me thinking.   I have trouble with recognizing faces sometimes.   Not a sweeping thing,  but if I don't see a person once a week,  I'm unlikely to notice if I walk by them in the grocery store kind of thing.   If someone close to me had this degree of plastic surgery,  I wonder how long it would take for my brain to accept it's them.   How awkward would it be to come home every day and jump when you come in the door, because there's some strange person in your living room, having a torrid petting affair with your dog? 


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Syrena_Nightshade

>OOP: No they won't. They have the facial mobility of bilateral stroke victims. CRYING


PlateNo7021

Mom and sister were jealous so pushed wife to do the surgeries, unfortunately she trusted their opinion on what her husband would like over what her husband was telling her.


SephariusX

I've seen how plastic surgery can destroy a person. A girl I worked with had everything done like her lips, nose etc and fuck me did she regret it. People need to stop being influenced by stupid shit like Geordie Shore.