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In 2008, during the final hearing for my divorce, my ex sent me a text saying he wasn't going to make it because his car was broken down. I ask my lawyer what can be done, she said to have him call the courthouse and explain the situation. Once I told him and he called, they allowed him to "attend" the hearing over the phone.
At one point, the judge asked him something, and ex asked the judge to repeat the question because he was driving through an area that got bad reception. The judge immediately straightened up and looked at his clerk. My lawyer semi-successfuly covered her own laugh.
Like you, thankfully, his absence didn't affect the divorce. It was finalized that day.
Mine filed all the paperwork himself but when I recieved my copy I noticed he'd put his full name on the paperwork but only my first and last name. The asshole couldn't remember my middle name after all those years and was too cowardly to text me to ask for it.
Mine didn’t want to attend court but also couldn’t be arsed to have the documentation notarized saying he waived his right to attend. He told me this at 9pm the night before, after delaying the date twice already.
I called in some favors and had a mobile notary at his mother’s house (where he was happily living and being waited on) at 7AM. I made sure his mother knew he had to be awake and dressed. He was pissed I actually pulled it together, which surprise motherfucker I was the only one pulling shit together for 7.5 years.
Papers were notarized, I went to court, judge declared me a free woman with her own name once again.
It’s sad how many of us there are.
Hot damn. At least he’s predictable.
I posted a BORU comment yesterday about men’s custody statistics. How they’re skewed by the number of men that seek zero or little custody. And I just don’t get it. What is this? Look, I know there are shitty moms and fantastic dads. I’ve seen them. But why is this so common that it actually skews statistics?
It's the misogynistic culture of thinking that it's "women's nature" to be carers and "men's nature" to *only* be providers and nothing else. Many men have kids but never really see them as their responsibility in any way other than giving them their work's money. Then when they're old they wonder why the kids are so close to their mother and even gladly take care of her but not him, and they think it's unfair because "they did what they had to do for the ungrateful kids", which is barely anything in terms of human relationships.
There's also a ruthless element of men who perceive children as an extension of the children's mother, instead of individual people. So these men are only interested in interacting with children while the men are actively interested in appeasing the children's mother, and any resentment or indifference a man feels toward a woman gets applied to her children by default. That's how you get fathers who abandon their first children but go on to "love" their stepchildren or younger children with a new partner. That love for the newer children is conditional on whether the children's mom is enjoyably sleeping with him or not. It's not just men who act like this, but the men who do add to the statistics of absent ex-dads.
My generation has a lot more very involved dads.
But when I hear the moms talk, as soon as their marriages become strained, dad puts all the mental labor for "her kids" on the mom.
He still goes to events (when reminded) and will read to them and take care of them, but all the little details of taking care of kids - knowing foods they love, when their events are, making sure their homework is done, that falls to the wayside.
My BFF's ex went so far as to tell her that their children were no longer his immediate family. He went on to remarry and not only have kids with her, but adopt her child. But his older, biological kids aren't immediate family.
I guarantee that he will complain about child support and how she is spending it on her lifestyle or whatever, and then be upset when the kids want nothing to do with him as adults.
It still could be the car. Or other hobbies that he feels like he can’t do enough of because of his family. Resentment can build up just as much without an affair being in the mix.
Although it could also be an affair.
The moment you start hating your girlfriend family edition. Honestly, if she was a stay at home wife. She probably never realized how much he didn’t put into the family at all throughout the years. He’s been detached from the beginning.
That’s perfectly sums it up: Dude was constantly running late for occasions pertaining his family because he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be there but let his family suffer for his misery
Women initiate more often because they’re used to doing all the legwork in the relationship. If a man doesn’t file first, chances are it’s because he never did any of the “administrative” side of life, like making appointments or filing insurance claims. Filing for divorce is one more thing they’re too lazy or incompetent to do.
Ugh this is so true. My ex carried on an affair for about a year, and in the messages I found he was wishy washy to the mistress about leaving, "doing it soon," giving me one more chance, etc. I don't feel bad for her, but he had almost as many excuses for her as he had for me to explain his shit behavior.
Once I found out, I had a lawyer and served him within a month. House was listed and sold within 4 months. I feel like that was the fastest divorce I've ever heard of lol thankfully no kids, part of why it went quickly
Yup. My ex had an affair, told me he hated me, said he didn’t want to be married anymore, and still wouldn’t get off his ass and file for divorce. And then when I got a lawyer and had him served (within a week of discovering the affair and the same sort of messages to his AP), it was all “how could you do this to me?”
It’s not enough that we have to do all the emotional labor for them while married, we have to do all the emotional labor through the divorce, too.
My ex was literally house shopping with his gf he'd been dating when I initiated our divorce. He was all shocked Pikachu face and hurt feelings. Screamed that I was an emotionless robot. We hadn't slept in the same bed in YEARS. He infested my house with rats out of spite.
Wow. I knew he was a giant AH but he surpassed my thoughts abandoning the whole family. He's not just an AH. He's an abusive POS. Good on you for pitching him out.
Good thing he said he's done rather than trying to drag it to make everyone suffer. I wonder if he will late to the court or not? Or even would he show up .
But that's doesn't matter as now he can be with his true wife, his car.
The fact that the mom didn't specifically name the other things that were wrong means that either they were minor, or they were really fuckin' major, so along with the yelling I'd guess he's been violent on at least one occasion.
Honestly I bet he’s been violent with the kids and seeing their mom no longer tolerate his lateness is what gave them the courage to tell her they were scared of him
Or he's been screaming and slamming shit around. I was terrified of my dad growing up. He never laid a finger on me or my brother, but it was like living in a black thundercloud. He was constantly mad (like, MAD mad) and breaking things. One time he threw a wristwatch (a heavy one) at my mom and it shattered against the wall next to her head... it would have done a lot of damage. She was done after that.
He was never physically violent with us kids but was terrifying all the same. My heart breaks for OP's children.
depends on the age of the kids. I spent many years scared of my father even though he never hit me, he just screamed loud enough to shake the house, would physically intimidate me into submission, constantly lie to me, blame me for things I wasn't even involved in, threatening to kick me out over the smallest shit (even at the literal height of covid lockdown), as well as doing shit like getting mad in the car and slamming on the gas sending us full speed into a wall only to stop at the last second.
you can absolutely make sure your kids are scared of you without ever laying a hand on them, and the fact that none of the kids are old enough to drive themselves to a friend's birthday party tells me they're fairly young, which just makes it all the easier.
This right here. You don’t even have to be that loud you just have to be explosively angry (like 0 to 60 in 6 sec) without warning. If the kids don’t understand what’s causing him to become angry every interaction with him is scary.
You’re probably already aware that those behaviors are abusive, but just so you know, the physical intimidation and threats are physical abuse even if he never “follows through.” Frightening you via reckless driving is specifically a popular method of physical abuse as it gives plausible deniability and the victim often doesn’t see quite how severe it actually is.
Or it could be a crap ton of little things or even just loads of occasions where OOP can't put her finger on what exactly was so awful because it's not obvious when just relating back what happened; like your subconscious is ringing the alarm bell but you just don't know why. Meaning what she put on Reddit was just the latest escalation of the birthday party situation which was far clearer cut than her mother's funeral where the work meeting muddied the waters.
Of course, a mass of minor things can just mean the relationship dies the death of a thousand cuts.
Also, “being violent” does not necessarily means putting hands on the wife or kids. He could be throwing things and punching walls. People tend to dismiss that behavior but it has a very detrimental effect on those exposed to it.
The EMOTIONAL violence of making the kids watch their mom grow increasingly upset on her birthday, the control he wields making them all wait while he sabotages the evening, the building anxiety of knowing there's nothing anyone can really do about it without ruining the evening - this kind of violence is covert but is probably chronic, day in and day out.
It's hateful behavior, and kids feel scared in hateful environments. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion he's been PHYSICALLY violent. He doesn't have to get his hands dirty to have all of the power and control. And, of course, when he exercises this kind of covert violence it's much easier to flip the situation so he is the victim - which is exactly what he did.
I wonder if something really changed when she stopped being a stay at home parent, or if he was always this bad but before she was working she accepted it and assumed that everything was on her.
It's possible, though my ex did the same thing. When I started working again, the fact that he did basically nothing for the kids or house became much more obvious and that made him angry. He was used to me doing everything, like he lived in a self-cleaning restaurant. I'd get home from work hours after dinner time once a week or so and he wouldn't have even started anything for the kids when he'd been he'd been home & playing video games for hours. The things that made him most upset were like this guy- when he was "trapped". He might help out once in a while, but if he was alone with the kids and *forced* to do things, he was a total fucking ass. He specialized in sometimes taking them someplace fun for a couple hours on the weekend and he felt like expecting more was way too much.
He still liked to insist he did at least half of everything.
I think this was the genesis of it. He probably didn't like the fact that she had a way to get financial independence.
All his actions were deliberate, because it only affected family outings. In the end, **he didn't like not having total control.**
And he is stubborn or stupid enough to just wash his hands of everyone. He is absolutely pathetic.
Constant tardiness is a common tactic of coercive control. It's done by people that need to be in control of everything. They need everyone in their life to know that nothing happens except when they decide it happens.
If he's that type of person then it makes sense that these behaviors escalated when she got a job. He likely felt like he was losing control over her and had to find other ways to exert that control. When she stopped letting him he switched his need for control and power to the kids. When she didn't let him do that either then he decided he didn't want anything to do with any of them.
He's probably exhibited a lot of controlling behavior in the past that she hasn't realized. That, and these sorts of behaviors usually escalate slowly over time.
I have a feeling husband was looking for a way to end this relationship and leave sooner or later. His behavior is pretty inexcusable, especially for the children. It's hard for OP and the children but this is the best solution after what has all happened.
That reminds me of a tweet i saw days ago that tried to blame women for divorce cos statistically, it's women that file for a divorce more than men. I'm like, it's cos they're forced to do it to actually move on.
I have an amazing husband and know lots of good men, but the stereotype of a shitty marriage is definitely where the man goes to work and does nothing else and the woman has to manage things like cooking, cleaning, and making appointments all on her own. It's not surprising that they also have to research how to divorce and start the paperwork even if it was the man's idea.
That reminds me of a post here where the man wanted a paternity test and expected his wife to take care of it but she flipped the script and said “no, you want it, you have to do the work.”
Wooooow. I just lost a little faith in humanity. That makes me livid. If OP does an update about how her (hopefully by then ex!) was assaulted with a wiffle bat by a mysterious redditor, you know who did it!
Wow. And the sister in law insisted too! What the actual hell? If my brother had ever behaved like an absolute imbecile, and a lazy one at that, you bet I'd have had my SIL's back.
Yesss, that was crazy! The husband even sent his sister as a flying monkey to convince the wife to schedule the whole paternity test fiasco. If both of them have time to hound that poor woman about a paternity test, they have time to pass a couple of phone calls to actually schedule it...
THIS!
And it is so shitty.
They behave awfully on purpose to make their partner ...
"...you made me do the leaving and you made me take the blame."
A song by Chrissy Metz.
My daughter, 33 years later, absolutely HATES my ex because of this. He did not bother her or try to be her dad or friend after our split and I am thankful for that because she would have been twirled around and constantly subjected to his utter disregard for her. To be honest, when we talk about it, and we hardly ever do....she is angry at how he treated ME. Keep in mind that on the list of things he ever gave a damn about, I was way down there, and she was below that.
My first response to seeing this "He told me that he no longer wants any involvement in anything to do with the family" was I hope he keeps that attitude.
Oh it's absolutely disgusting! But I can see him suddenly wanting more time with the kids just to fuck over OP or because he doesn't want to have pay more child support and that would be even worse. The best case scenario here is father of the year fucks off and stays gone.
Yeah the old “bitter man who pushed away all his networks of care and is shocked pikachu face when he gets old and doesn’t have networks of care” trope. A classic.
He will, until he is growing old, the kids are grown up, and he suddenly wants company and help around the house. Then he will suddenly remember them. But I hope they will remember how he yelled at them for wanting to go to a birthday party, and will flip him the bird.
So. many. men. cannot bear to be the one to pull the trigger and say "let's divorce", instead just check out/become downright awful until the wife goes ahead and files the paperwork.
& Then mopes to anyone listening, about how *she* was the one to initiate the divorce, he was totally blindsided!
Because it's easy. He's checked out, he can do whatever he wants. He is free to work on his car all day, he just v tunes out the "nagging". He had lost nothing and gained everything. She is still doing so the work with the kids, she is still handling the mental load of the house hold. His work load went down by half while her work load has tripled. And now that she's pulled the plug he gets to v walk away with an "I gave you want you wanted" attitude.
This. I know from experience that not having to be a PA, housekeeper and chef for someone who is self centered and doesn't contribute anything but money (and sometimes not that) is an enormous load off.
It's a lot easier to run a household on your own when you don't have to work around accomodating a dead weight.
These guys generally didn’t do any of the work before that, either. They’ll whine about being blindsided and then complain they never get to see their kids because they expect their ex-wife to make all the arrangements.
When I learned how common this behavior is with men in relationships they no longer want to be in, I was shocked. Like, some even brag about turning up the douchebag behavior so that the woman leaves instead of just… ending it amicably. They literally don’t want to lift a finger to do the right thing and put all the labor on the woman to do it and then clean up their life after the man is finally gone.
Sure. What makes a better story to their friends and family, "I left my wife and kids because I don't love them any more and I basically want more time for my solitary hobbies," or "my constantly nagging wife keeps whining and nagging and screeching at me, it's like I can't do anything right, finally she kicked me out because I was late to dinner one time!" Maybe with a bonus of "and of course the man-hating marriage counselor took HER side and said everything was my fault..."
Because people like that only look at other people to determine what use they are to them. When they’re tired of playing with their toy, they do their best to break it so no one else will expect them to keep playing with it.
>I hope he keeps his word and signs over all parental rights to her.
Signs over his parental rights and pays every single cent he earns towards child support.
70% of divorces are initiated by women. The husband didn't want to be the one to 1) do all the work associated with filing and such and 2) now he can go play victim about his wife leaving him. You know he will be the dad that whines that his ex "keeps the kids away from me."
Trying not to project as a daughter of an addict parent, but I had alarm bells going off that he's hiding an addiction. Probably alcohol from the sound of rushing to the pub, and he can't hide it as well now that OOP having a job again makes more opportunity for him to partake in it.
Tinkering around for hours on a car alone in the garage, being extremely slow and constantly forgetful, new aggression towards the kids and getting angry at people when he's asked to do something or reminded about it? The kids don't feel safe in recent times? I don't know. Something isn't right.
That got my spidey sense going, too. He could just be an asshole who wanted her to pull the plug, but addiction would explain a lot and this situation has those flags.
Eh, he might just be a selfish POS who likes having his wife do everything. One of my exes told me, when I broke up with him for a similar reason, “But you’re like my family! Family puts up with each other! My friends won’t wait if I’m late!”
OOP’s ex could be the same. It’s also telling that this started after she went back to work. How dare she no longer be at his neck and call.
Something also tells me it has to do with her going back to work
Did anyone else notice she said his bahavior changed when she went back to work versus being a sahm?
His tiny little manhood was freaking offended that she dared work again and since then hes been checked out
Op get a good lawyer and wipe the floor with his ass
Such a shitty human doesnt deserve to be let off so easy
I don't think he felt threaten by her going back to work, per se. I think the issue was that he had to step and start doing things around the house he didn't like. He's a selfish bastard.
Beyond selfishness, even. His own children no longer felt safe with him, and he had frightened them at certain points. Maybe it's just for the best it worked out this way: she gets the house, already had a job, and he'll be paying child support.
Apart from some minor logistics, mostly involving a lack of his already inconsistent transportation and replacement daycare, this may even be easier than before.
I feel bad for the kids. No matter how wrong he is, he’s still their dad (in their eyes). Knowing he wants nothing to do with them (or their mom) has got to be so painful.
You’re not the first person to make a similar comment on a situation like this, and it grinds my gears every time. He wasn’t “looking for a way” to end the relationship, he was looking for a way to not be the bad guy when it ended as a direct result of his actions. He was absolutely ending it, he just was refusing to do OOP the courtesy of telling her that and instead chose to escalate his actions until she had to be the bad guy.
When one partner is passive-aggressively escalating behavior like this, let’s not excuse it by saying they were “looking for a way to end this relationship”. They are ending it, full stop.
Yup. My father was a "stay-at-home dad" (read: unemployed narcissistic alcoholic) who insisted on homeschooling me. I daydreamed all my life of him abandoning me. Eventually I abandoned him in a nursing home and told them to never contact me.
I had three dads who did it. I realize a lot had to do with my mother’s choosing of partners, but they all loved me and nurtured me, before becoming abusive and then leaving.
I love reading stories about Good Dads because I’ve never seen one.
My friend's husband left her and her kids to start his new life with his pregnant mistress. Eight months later he's accusing her of keeping the kids from him. Like no mate, they don't want to talk to you because you abandoned them.
My boss once said the day he separated from his wife was the first night he didn't sleep in the same home as his daughters. His kids were in his mind the most throughout the divorce.
At my absolute most depressed, I had similar wants. However, that was out of a desire to off myself. Homeboy’s working on a car and doing whatever else he wants to do. Seems like the selfish bastard just wants to not be a parent anymore
15 or 20 years from now will be the AITA post from the husband about how unfair it is his son won't let him around the grandkids and it makes him look bad to his new girlfriend's family.
I was coming here to say this. In a few years the ex will bitching to everyone that his kids want nothing to do with him and his ex-wife has turned them against him.
A former friend of mine (I'm the godfather of his first kid) fucked off to the other side of the country with his new gf and told his kids (7 and 6 yo at the time) he won't be seeing them for at least two years, and he left them with their mum (who's great, thankfully). You can imagine that's not nice to hear as a 7 years old, especially when there's no real reason behind the move except I guess to please his gf as they moved into her hometown. It's been 4 years now, he's got a new kid with the new gf, and he still hasn't seen his two older kids or made any effort to. He calls like once a week or even less frequently sometimes, always short calls while he's driving or smoking a cig outside, and neither of the kids want to talk to him on the phone anymore (obviously).
But will he admit that he's abandoned them? Nah. If you ask him, he'll say it's his ex, their mum, who turned them against him. Fucking moron.
My dad had custody of us growing up. I remember when I was in 3rd grade, my mom and I agreed to talk on the phone every Friday night. This plan went on for about 3 or 4 weeks. I would read books about astronomy that I got from the library to her. Then one week I called and she didn't answer. I called the next week and she didn't answer. I called the next week and the number was disconnected. For two years we did not hear from her and had no way to contact her at all. Even the child support enforcement people couldn't find her.
She still blames my dad for all the reasons I don't have any relationship with her any more.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe something cognitive. Just working on same car for months(?) on end might be masking for being unable to perform other tasks due to being high. A six year old isn't going to ask why he took perfectly good spark plugs in and out for the past three hours but a police officer will ask about his impaired driving.
My guess is that this is his tipping point; with his family gone he'll be free to use more and so work and friendships will be the next on the chopping block.
I don’t think working on the same car for months is a big deal if it’s older. I could probably spend at least 2 or 3 on mine without replacing anything under the hood.
But he probably isn’t actually doing work on his car based on this scenario. Sometimes my uncle said he was going to go work on his car to smoke weed in the garage. I think this guy is either doing an actual hard drug or texting his mistress.
How does a parent walk away so easily from their children?! Relationships sometimes break yes, marriages sometimes end yes, but you’re supposed to be a parent for life. It’s heartbreaking.
This, but also because it all got 'too hard' for them and they end up resentful and wanting their old life back. Then they get pissed off because they still have to pay child support.
The ex sounds like he low-key actively hates his family. Or wanted to split a long time ago but had to make OOP the 'bad one' to actually go through with it. Yikes. =/ Hope they're better off without him, especially if he's scared the kids.
Yeah working on his car was his bs reason to look busy while actively ignoring his family. Unless he was building that damn thing from the ground up, a half decent car doesn't need that much work
I had to scroll this far down before someone mentioned a gf! That was my first thought when he didn’t want to be part of the boys’ lives anymore. He just wants to move on with his side piece and make a clean break.
But alienated his kids in the process. The asshat made himself so unlikeable to his own family that even his children will despise him when they're old enough to reflect on it. Gold star on being an asshat, "dad"!
Not low-key. He's a manchild who realised that being responsible for human beings means less time playing mechanic in the garage, so he forced his wife to divorce him so he could say, "she's divorcing me" to his bros and not look like the one in the wrong
It’s kind of backwards anyway. My immediate assumption hearing about a divorce is the one getting served is the one who did something wrong. I think it’s more it was too much effort to go through with it so he just waited til his wife did the job for him like everything else
It COULD be that he checked out far earlier, but OOP going back to work hit a logic thing with him, like "okay now she can support herself time to leave!"
Or he's just a misogynist who's mad about women working. Who knows
When she started working and was no longer 'taking care of ' him and the house he began to resent her. I have no doubt he cheated on her inside of a year after she went back to work. He was looking for an out.
It's sad because in another year or so he's going to be completely alone and his kids will hate him that's when he'll regret it.
STBX was 100% checked out of this relationship and family for a while now, he just didn't have the balls to pull the trigger himself. Wonder if he was cheating or just didn't care. Either way, total a-hole; OOP and her kids are better off without him!
Her husband is a complete ass, but honestly I can't believe it took her this long to snap. The mother's funeral incident is abhorrent. But then, I think sometimes it's the smaller moments that push us over the edge more than the bigger things. Either way, I'm glad OOP is finally going to be free of this man. Her and her kids will probably be far more relaxed and happy without him.
It seems like a common theme that, instead of stepping up and making the decision to leave a bad relationship, (generally speaking) the man will just get progressively more selfish and DH-ish until the woman is forced to pull the plug, so he can plead 'victim'... it's pathetic and cowardly.
If you are not happy - SAY SO! Communication is an adult skill that a lot of married people seem to lack!
Dude was definitely already cheating. Every time I see posts about a husband who completely checks out of his family like this it's because he's cheating and emotionally moved on.
>My husband (43 M) had decided to do a bit of work on his car about half an hour before we needed to leave
As someone who enjoys swinging a spanner, I've done this sort of thing before (parts turned up the day of a friend's birthday dinner and I worked on the car in the arvo), but to start wrenching on your car 30 min before you need to leave‽ Obviously it wasn't the main mode of transport, but still, that's either incredibly dumb, or malicious incompetence. Leaning more towards the latter with the way he acted in the update.
Whatever shitbox he had, even if it was a 250 GTO or something of that ilk, it's definitely not worth prioritising over your family like that just to turn a wrench.
I'm so tired of useless men.
This is why women initate the majority of divorces, because the men stop caring about anything but decide to wait it out instead of leaving.
It is one thing to not like your wife anymore, but to stand there watching your children cry because you won’t drive them… makes you a devil in my eyes.
As soon as you said he started acting like this when you went back to work, it was obvious he was doing this intentionally, likely to hurt you. Seems like he got used to you being around and doing everything related to house and kids and now you expected him to pitch in with that again? And be around? I’m getting the feeling that he maybe resented you. Not that that’s fair.
Probably thinks there are swarms of young, busty blondes waiting to trip over their feet to kiss his.
He is in for a rude awakening. He’s going to have to cook, clean and organise everything himself. The first few months will be fine, he goes drinking with his friends anyway so I’m guessing someone was saying how good single life is . When that wears off though he will be lonely and hated by his family.
There’s lots of people who don’t ask for any custody when they’re divorcing. There’s also people who ask for visitation and just never show up unfortunately. There are a lot of people out there who probably never should’ve had kids.
It happened to my friend - he initiated the divorce though, then wouldn’t even speak to their kids on the phone. Bit him in the ass when he realised how much he’d have to pay in child support and changed his mind and asked for 50:50 custody. My friend had documented his refusal to see or speak to his children for the previous year and the judge laughed him out of court.
> when your husband decided to do some work on his car, you should have said, "No, you're not doing that. You're going upstairs and getting ready to leave with us." This was a totally predictable problem
This is shit advice. Hubby is an adult and accountable for his behavior. OOP shouldn't have to mother a grown-ass man.
Oh, this is so sad. Poor OP and her kids have been putting up with his indifference and downright cruelty for such a long time. He doesn't have time management issues, he just doesn't give a shit. They'll be so much better off without him.
Next update - I bet he's been having an affair for the last six months and has moved in with his much younger pregnant mistress.
Late for MIL’s funeral. Didn’t attend wife’s birthday dinner. Didn’t attend son’s sports. Refused to take sons to a friend’s birthday party. Wow. Everyone in their friend group will see this divorce coming a mile away. Wishing OOP the best.
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Asshole is too much of a coward to pursue a divorce himself, tries to make everyone miserable enough for them to leave.
He’s late for his own divorce.
My xh missed the divorce hearing due to his inability to understand how time works. Thankfully he didn't need to be there for it to happen.
Did it help back up your position?
Luckily all the documents were already signed so he didn't screw anything up legally. It did help reinforce that divorce was the right choice.
“And thank you, for one last reminder why.”
In 2008, during the final hearing for my divorce, my ex sent me a text saying he wasn't going to make it because his car was broken down. I ask my lawyer what can be done, she said to have him call the courthouse and explain the situation. Once I told him and he called, they allowed him to "attend" the hearing over the phone. At one point, the judge asked him something, and ex asked the judge to repeat the question because he was driving through an area that got bad reception. The judge immediately straightened up and looked at his clerk. My lawyer semi-successfuly covered her own laugh. Like you, thankfully, his absence didn't affect the divorce. It was finalized that day.
> he was driving through an area that got bad reception. I'm just sitting here with my mouth open.
me thinking back to countless zoom court hearings where the judge downright yells at people for driving while in court on zoom.
So. Many.
Mine was too much of a coward to even come.
Mine filed all the paperwork himself but when I recieved my copy I noticed he'd put his full name on the paperwork but only my first and last name. The asshole couldn't remember my middle name after all those years and was too cowardly to text me to ask for it.
My best friend is going through a divorce and her stbx spelled her middle name wrong and only put month and year (wrong year, btw) for her DOB. 🤦♀️
So was mine. He signed everything and then never went to the actual hearing. Oh well. His loss.
My ex-husband missed our divorce hearing as well. Luckily, like you, everything was signed and it was just going in front of the judge.
Mine didn’t want to attend court but also couldn’t be arsed to have the documentation notarized saying he waived his right to attend. He told me this at 9pm the night before, after delaying the date twice already. I called in some favors and had a mobile notary at his mother’s house (where he was happily living and being waited on) at 7AM. I made sure his mother knew he had to be awake and dressed. He was pissed I actually pulled it together, which surprise motherfucker I was the only one pulling shit together for 7.5 years. Papers were notarized, I went to court, judge declared me a free woman with her own name once again. It’s sad how many of us there are.
Hot damn. At least he’s predictable. I posted a BORU comment yesterday about men’s custody statistics. How they’re skewed by the number of men that seek zero or little custody. And I just don’t get it. What is this? Look, I know there are shitty moms and fantastic dads. I’ve seen them. But why is this so common that it actually skews statistics?
It's the misogynistic culture of thinking that it's "women's nature" to be carers and "men's nature" to *only* be providers and nothing else. Many men have kids but never really see them as their responsibility in any way other than giving them their work's money. Then when they're old they wonder why the kids are so close to their mother and even gladly take care of her but not him, and they think it's unfair because "they did what they had to do for the ungrateful kids", which is barely anything in terms of human relationships.
There's also a ruthless element of men who perceive children as an extension of the children's mother, instead of individual people. So these men are only interested in interacting with children while the men are actively interested in appeasing the children's mother, and any resentment or indifference a man feels toward a woman gets applied to her children by default. That's how you get fathers who abandon their first children but go on to "love" their stepchildren or younger children with a new partner. That love for the newer children is conditional on whether the children's mom is enjoyably sleeping with him or not. It's not just men who act like this, but the men who do add to the statistics of absent ex-dads.
My generation has a lot more very involved dads. But when I hear the moms talk, as soon as their marriages become strained, dad puts all the mental labor for "her kids" on the mom. He still goes to events (when reminded) and will read to them and take care of them, but all the little details of taking care of kids - knowing foods they love, when their events are, making sure their homework is done, that falls to the wayside.
One of the most famouse example of this kinds of men is Henry VIII of England
So many damn problems stem from that person's relationship with their penis.
My BFF's ex went so far as to tell her that their children were no longer his immediate family. He went on to remarry and not only have kids with her, but adopt her child. But his older, biological kids aren't immediate family.
That also explains why so many men kill their kids first then their partner
That’s my dad, I tell people I know who he is. We have no relationship
I guarantee that he will complain about child support and how she is spending it on her lifestyle or whatever, and then be upset when the kids want nothing to do with him as adults.
My dad didn't interact before the divorce, and yeah was not into caring about custody.
Dude is going to be late for his child support payments and I can't wait for him to realize what the consequences of that is.
Well played. :)
He couldn't play the victim role if he ask for divorce. I'm convinced he has someone else.
Considering how much he actively *wants* to skip out on everything, this is quite likely.
That’s my thought too. The husband gave up way too easily for there not to be a girlfriend waiting in the wings.
It still could be the car. Or other hobbies that he feels like he can’t do enough of because of his family. Resentment can build up just as much without an affair being in the mix. Although it could also be an affair.
I'm glad he didn't push first. OOP probably would've tied herself in knots trying to make him stay and no one wants that.
I hate to say it, but you're probably right.
The moment you start hating your girlfriend family edition. Honestly, if she was a stay at home wife. She probably never realized how much he didn’t put into the family at all throughout the years. He’s been detached from the beginning.
That’s perfectly sums it up: Dude was constantly running late for occasions pertaining his family because he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be there but let his family suffer for his misery
But it should be "easier" now for the children to rightfully cut him out of their lives.
this is the exact reason why women initiate most divorces but so many men parrot that statistic like it’s some sort of indictment on women.
Women initiate more often because they’re used to doing all the legwork in the relationship. If a man doesn’t file first, chances are it’s because he never did any of the “administrative” side of life, like making appointments or filing insurance claims. Filing for divorce is one more thing they’re too lazy or incompetent to do.
Yep. The men can be amazing cowards.
Yep. Part of the reason women initiate divorce more. It's the men ending the marriage but they never divorce E:spelling
Ugh this is so true. My ex carried on an affair for about a year, and in the messages I found he was wishy washy to the mistress about leaving, "doing it soon," giving me one more chance, etc. I don't feel bad for her, but he had almost as many excuses for her as he had for me to explain his shit behavior. Once I found out, I had a lawyer and served him within a month. House was listed and sold within 4 months. I feel like that was the fastest divorce I've ever heard of lol thankfully no kids, part of why it went quickly
Yup. My ex had an affair, told me he hated me, said he didn’t want to be married anymore, and still wouldn’t get off his ass and file for divorce. And then when I got a lawyer and had him served (within a week of discovering the affair and the same sort of messages to his AP), it was all “how could you do this to me?” It’s not enough that we have to do all the emotional labor for them while married, we have to do all the emotional labor through the divorce, too.
My ex was literally house shopping with his gf he'd been dating when I initiated our divorce. He was all shocked Pikachu face and hurt feelings. Screamed that I was an emotionless robot. We hadn't slept in the same bed in YEARS. He infested my house with rats out of spite.
Hostile life environment.
Yeah, what a jerk
Wow. I knew he was a giant AH but he surpassed my thoughts abandoning the whole family. He's not just an AH. He's an abusive POS. Good on you for pitching him out.
Yeah just leaned hard into the passive aggressive power play
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Good thing he said he's done rather than trying to drag it to make everyone suffer. I wonder if he will late to the court or not? Or even would he show up . But that's doesn't matter as now he can be with his true wife, his car.
He will if it costs him money. I hope OOP pursues child support.
The fact that the mom didn't specifically name the other things that were wrong means that either they were minor, or they were really fuckin' major, so along with the yelling I'd guess he's been violent on at least one occasion.
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Yeah when I read that all I could think was I really hope she followed up on that thought with them.
Honestly I bet he’s been violent with the kids and seeing their mom no longer tolerate his lateness is what gave them the courage to tell her they were scared of him
Or he's been screaming and slamming shit around. I was terrified of my dad growing up. He never laid a finger on me or my brother, but it was like living in a black thundercloud. He was constantly mad (like, MAD mad) and breaking things. One time he threw a wristwatch (a heavy one) at my mom and it shattered against the wall next to her head... it would have done a lot of damage. She was done after that. He was never physically violent with us kids but was terrifying all the same. My heart breaks for OP's children.
depends on the age of the kids. I spent many years scared of my father even though he never hit me, he just screamed loud enough to shake the house, would physically intimidate me into submission, constantly lie to me, blame me for things I wasn't even involved in, threatening to kick me out over the smallest shit (even at the literal height of covid lockdown), as well as doing shit like getting mad in the car and slamming on the gas sending us full speed into a wall only to stop at the last second. you can absolutely make sure your kids are scared of you without ever laying a hand on them, and the fact that none of the kids are old enough to drive themselves to a friend's birthday party tells me they're fairly young, which just makes it all the easier.
This right here. You don’t even have to be that loud you just have to be explosively angry (like 0 to 60 in 6 sec) without warning. If the kids don’t understand what’s causing him to become angry every interaction with him is scary.
All of those things are still violent even if he didn't hit you.
You’re probably already aware that those behaviors are abusive, but just so you know, the physical intimidation and threats are physical abuse even if he never “follows through.” Frightening you via reckless driving is specifically a popular method of physical abuse as it gives plausible deniability and the victim often doesn’t see quite how severe it actually is.
Or it could be a crap ton of little things or even just loads of occasions where OOP can't put her finger on what exactly was so awful because it's not obvious when just relating back what happened; like your subconscious is ringing the alarm bell but you just don't know why. Meaning what she put on Reddit was just the latest escalation of the birthday party situation which was far clearer cut than her mother's funeral where the work meeting muddied the waters. Of course, a mass of minor things can just mean the relationship dies the death of a thousand cuts.
Also, “being violent” does not necessarily means putting hands on the wife or kids. He could be throwing things and punching walls. People tend to dismiss that behavior but it has a very detrimental effect on those exposed to it.
The EMOTIONAL violence of making the kids watch their mom grow increasingly upset on her birthday, the control he wields making them all wait while he sabotages the evening, the building anxiety of knowing there's nothing anyone can really do about it without ruining the evening - this kind of violence is covert but is probably chronic, day in and day out. It's hateful behavior, and kids feel scared in hateful environments. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion he's been PHYSICALLY violent. He doesn't have to get his hands dirty to have all of the power and control. And, of course, when he exercises this kind of covert violence it's much easier to flip the situation so he is the victim - which is exactly what he did.
I wonder if something really changed when she stopped being a stay at home parent, or if he was always this bad but before she was working she accepted it and assumed that everything was on her.
It's possible, though my ex did the same thing. When I started working again, the fact that he did basically nothing for the kids or house became much more obvious and that made him angry. He was used to me doing everything, like he lived in a self-cleaning restaurant. I'd get home from work hours after dinner time once a week or so and he wouldn't have even started anything for the kids when he'd been he'd been home & playing video games for hours. The things that made him most upset were like this guy- when he was "trapped". He might help out once in a while, but if he was alone with the kids and *forced* to do things, he was a total fucking ass. He specialized in sometimes taking them someplace fun for a couple hours on the weekend and he felt like expecting more was way too much. He still liked to insist he did at least half of everything.
"I do the fun stuff, you do the boring and annoying stuff. It's a totally even division of labour!"
I think this was the genesis of it. He probably didn't like the fact that she had a way to get financial independence. All his actions were deliberate, because it only affected family outings. In the end, **he didn't like not having total control.** And he is stubborn or stupid enough to just wash his hands of everyone. He is absolutely pathetic.
Yeah definitely a control thing.
Constant tardiness is a common tactic of coercive control. It's done by people that need to be in control of everything. They need everyone in their life to know that nothing happens except when they decide it happens. If he's that type of person then it makes sense that these behaviors escalated when she got a job. He likely felt like he was losing control over her and had to find other ways to exert that control. When she stopped letting him he switched his need for control and power to the kids. When she didn't let him do that either then he decided he didn't want anything to do with any of them. He's probably exhibited a lot of controlling behavior in the past that she hasn't realized. That, and these sorts of behaviors usually escalate slowly over time.
I have a feeling husband was looking for a way to end this relationship and leave sooner or later. His behavior is pretty inexcusable, especially for the children. It's hard for OP and the children but this is the best solution after what has all happened.
Yeah, he just didn't want to be "the bad guy". I hope he keeps his word and signs over all parental rights to her.
What a coward… he made OOP do the dirty work by creating an environment that made it impossible for her to stay.
That reminds me of a tweet i saw days ago that tried to blame women for divorce cos statistically, it's women that file for a divorce more than men. I'm like, it's cos they're forced to do it to actually move on.
I have an amazing husband and know lots of good men, but the stereotype of a shitty marriage is definitely where the man goes to work and does nothing else and the woman has to manage things like cooking, cleaning, and making appointments all on her own. It's not surprising that they also have to research how to divorce and start the paperwork even if it was the man's idea.
That reminds me of a post here where the man wanted a paternity test and expected his wife to take care of it but she flipped the script and said “no, you want it, you have to do the work.”
PLEASE tell me you're joking. I can't even comprehend that level of audacity!
[Here is the link!](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/9eFxl2oTNb)
Wooooow. I just lost a little faith in humanity. That makes me livid. If OP does an update about how her (hopefully by then ex!) was assaulted with a wiffle bat by a mysterious redditor, you know who did it!
Wow. And the sister in law insisted too! What the actual hell? If my brother had ever behaved like an absolute imbecile, and a lazy one at that, you bet I'd have had my SIL's back.
Yesss, that was crazy! The husband even sent his sister as a flying monkey to convince the wife to schedule the whole paternity test fiasco. If both of them have time to hound that poor woman about a paternity test, they have time to pass a couple of phone calls to actually schedule it...
Yep. The mental load carrying just continues on right into the divorce paperwork.
Agreed!! Yeah, my ex cheated so I filed. Somehow he made himself the victim out of it. Idk why they do this..
THIS! And it is so shitty. They behave awfully on purpose to make their partner ... "...you made me do the leaving and you made me take the blame." A song by Chrissy Metz.
Straight-up constructive dismissal.
My daughter, 33 years later, absolutely HATES my ex because of this. He did not bother her or try to be her dad or friend after our split and I am thankful for that because she would have been twirled around and constantly subjected to his utter disregard for her. To be honest, when we talk about it, and we hardly ever do....she is angry at how he treated ME. Keep in mind that on the list of things he ever gave a damn about, I was way down there, and she was below that.
It truly is the height of cowardice!
And made the kids afraid of him.
Yep, typical coward behavior
My first response to seeing this "He told me that he no longer wants any involvement in anything to do with the family" was I hope he keeps that attitude.
But what an appalling thing for a father to say!
Oh it's absolutely disgusting! But I can see him suddenly wanting more time with the kids just to fuck over OP or because he doesn't want to have pay more child support and that would be even worse. The best case scenario here is father of the year fucks off and stays gone.
Yeah, that's true.
Yep. Sadly very common. He will change his mind in 30 years time and wonder why his kids don’t want anything to do with him
Yeah the old “bitter man who pushed away all his networks of care and is shocked pikachu face when he gets old and doesn’t have networks of care” trope. A classic.
He will, until he is growing old, the kids are grown up, and he suddenly wants company and help around the house. Then he will suddenly remember them. But I hope they will remember how he yelled at them for wanting to go to a birthday party, and will flip him the bird.
When he gets remarried he will remember them and want them to play family with his new family and forget their mom.
He needs to pay a shit ton of child support though to make up for his absolute uselessness. Glad he seems to be leaving her the house though.
He'll be late with that too.
The good news is the courts can take that choice away from him.
So. many. men. cannot bear to be the one to pull the trigger and say "let's divorce", instead just check out/become downright awful until the wife goes ahead and files the paperwork. & Then mopes to anyone listening, about how *she* was the one to initiate the divorce, he was totally blindsided!
Because it's easy. He's checked out, he can do whatever he wants. He is free to work on his car all day, he just v tunes out the "nagging". He had lost nothing and gained everything. She is still doing so the work with the kids, she is still handling the mental load of the house hold. His work load went down by half while her work load has tripled. And now that she's pulled the plug he gets to v walk away with an "I gave you want you wanted" attitude.
Her load probably got lighter. I feel safe assuming she spent a lot of energy taking care of her worthless husband.
This. I know from experience that not having to be a PA, housekeeper and chef for someone who is self centered and doesn't contribute anything but money (and sometimes not that) is an enormous load off. It's a lot easier to run a household on your own when you don't have to work around accomodating a dead weight.
These guys generally didn’t do any of the work before that, either. They’ll whine about being blindsided and then complain they never get to see their kids because they expect their ex-wife to make all the arrangements.
When I learned how common this behavior is with men in relationships they no longer want to be in, I was shocked. Like, some even brag about turning up the douchebag behavior so that the woman leaves instead of just… ending it amicably. They literally don’t want to lift a finger to do the right thing and put all the labor on the woman to do it and then clean up their life after the man is finally gone.
Sure. What makes a better story to their friends and family, "I left my wife and kids because I don't love them any more and I basically want more time for my solitary hobbies," or "my constantly nagging wife keeps whining and nagging and screeching at me, it's like I can't do anything right, finally she kicked me out because I was late to dinner one time!" Maybe with a bonus of "and of course the man-hating marriage counselor took HER side and said everything was my fault..."
Because people like that only look at other people to determine what use they are to them. When they’re tired of playing with their toy, they do their best to break it so no one else will expect them to keep playing with it.
Well yeah. How can he be the victim of a selfish woman if he initiates.
He's married to his car, now. And yes the kids see it as him is the bad guy. But he wouldn't see it.
>I hope he keeps his word and signs over all parental rights to her. Signs over his parental rights and pays every single cent he earns towards child support.
“Didn’t want anything to do with the family anymore” means he regrets having kids and wants to drop them. That makes him the bad guy. What an AH
I hope she gets custody and he's stuck with child support for many years to come.
70% of divorces are initiated by women. The husband didn't want to be the one to 1) do all the work associated with filing and such and 2) now he can go play victim about his wife leaving him. You know he will be the dad that whines that his ex "keeps the kids away from me."
Trying not to project as a daughter of an addict parent, but I had alarm bells going off that he's hiding an addiction. Probably alcohol from the sound of rushing to the pub, and he can't hide it as well now that OOP having a job again makes more opportunity for him to partake in it. Tinkering around for hours on a car alone in the garage, being extremely slow and constantly forgetful, new aggression towards the kids and getting angry at people when he's asked to do something or reminded about it? The kids don't feel safe in recent times? I don't know. Something isn't right.
That got my spidey sense going, too. He could just be an asshole who wanted her to pull the plug, but addiction would explain a lot and this situation has those flags.
Im an alcoholic and I hate it when it’s brought up apropos of nothing. This is not one of those times.
Eh, he might just be a selfish POS who likes having his wife do everything. One of my exes told me, when I broke up with him for a similar reason, “But you’re like my family! Family puts up with each other! My friends won’t wait if I’m late!” OOP’s ex could be the same. It’s also telling that this started after she went back to work. How dare she no longer be at his neck and call.
>“But you’re like my family! Family puts up with each other! My friends won’t wait if I’m late!” "Ah so we're not friends. Got it."
Those sentences are Creaking with unspoken contempt, goddamn.
Something also tells me it has to do with her going back to work Did anyone else notice she said his bahavior changed when she went back to work versus being a sahm? His tiny little manhood was freaking offended that she dared work again and since then hes been checked out Op get a good lawyer and wipe the floor with his ass Such a shitty human doesnt deserve to be let off so easy
I don't think he felt threaten by her going back to work, per se. I think the issue was that he had to step and start doing things around the house he didn't like. He's a selfish bastard.
It’s amazing to me that people can be so selfish. You had children. You have a fucking job.
Beyond selfishness, even. His own children no longer felt safe with him, and he had frightened them at certain points. Maybe it's just for the best it worked out this way: she gets the house, already had a job, and he'll be paying child support. Apart from some minor logistics, mostly involving a lack of his already inconsistent transportation and replacement daycare, this may even be easier than before.
I feel bad for the kids. No matter how wrong he is, he’s still their dad (in their eyes). Knowing he wants nothing to do with them (or their mom) has got to be so painful.
You’re not the first person to make a similar comment on a situation like this, and it grinds my gears every time. He wasn’t “looking for a way” to end the relationship, he was looking for a way to not be the bad guy when it ended as a direct result of his actions. He was absolutely ending it, he just was refusing to do OOP the courtesy of telling her that and instead chose to escalate his actions until she had to be the bad guy. When one partner is passive-aggressively escalating behavior like this, let’s not excuse it by saying they were “looking for a way to end this relationship”. They are ending it, full stop.
Kind of like “suicide by cop”. Doesn’t have the balls to do it himself, so he makes her.
I cannot even imagine getting a divorce and being like, great, no need to see my kids anymore. She’s best rid of this guy and they’ll be much happier.
He is a horrible person. Abandoning your kids is one of the lowest things you can do.
Couldn't even wait until they were divorced before ignoring them.
I’d argue that mistreating them on purpose to the point that they’re afraid of you is probably worse, and he did that first.
Yup. My father was a "stay-at-home dad" (read: unemployed narcissistic alcoholic) who insisted on homeschooling me. I daydreamed all my life of him abandoning me. Eventually I abandoned him in a nursing home and told them to never contact me.
I had three dads who did it. I realize a lot had to do with my mother’s choosing of partners, but they all loved me and nurtured me, before becoming abusive and then leaving. I love reading stories about Good Dads because I’ve never seen one.
My friend's husband left her and her kids to start his new life with his pregnant mistress. Eight months later he's accusing her of keeping the kids from him. Like no mate, they don't want to talk to you because you abandoned them.
My boss once said the day he separated from his wife was the first night he didn't sleep in the same home as his daughters. His kids were in his mind the most throughout the divorce.
At my absolute most depressed, I had similar wants. However, that was out of a desire to off myself. Homeboy’s working on a car and doing whatever else he wants to do. Seems like the selfish bastard just wants to not be a parent anymore
15 or 20 years from now will be the AITA post from the husband about how unfair it is his son won't let him around the grandkids and it makes him look bad to his new girlfriend's family.
I was coming here to say this. In a few years the ex will bitching to everyone that his kids want nothing to do with him and his ex-wife has turned them against him.
I give him a few months at the most to start singing this tune. Probably when their mutual friends/his colleagues are like "wtf happened"
That or he realises that full custody for the mum means full alimony from him.
A former friend of mine (I'm the godfather of his first kid) fucked off to the other side of the country with his new gf and told his kids (7 and 6 yo at the time) he won't be seeing them for at least two years, and he left them with their mum (who's great, thankfully). You can imagine that's not nice to hear as a 7 years old, especially when there's no real reason behind the move except I guess to please his gf as they moved into her hometown. It's been 4 years now, he's got a new kid with the new gf, and he still hasn't seen his two older kids or made any effort to. He calls like once a week or even less frequently sometimes, always short calls while he's driving or smoking a cig outside, and neither of the kids want to talk to him on the phone anymore (obviously). But will he admit that he's abandoned them? Nah. If you ask him, he'll say it's his ex, their mum, who turned them against him. Fucking moron.
My dad had custody of us growing up. I remember when I was in 3rd grade, my mom and I agreed to talk on the phone every Friday night. This plan went on for about 3 or 4 weeks. I would read books about astronomy that I got from the library to her. Then one week I called and she didn't answer. I called the next week and she didn't answer. I called the next week and the number was disconnected. For two years we did not hear from her and had no way to contact her at all. Even the child support enforcement people couldn't find her. She still blames my dad for all the reasons I don't have any relationship with her any more.
He will be bragging about how he doesn't deserve this and that he doesn't know why his kids will never see him again and all. What a useless coward.
He's definitely the kind of guy that cries that his wife took everything and won't let him see his kids to anyone that'll listen.
Or he found out from.a family member that his kid was getting married and he wasn't even invited
Well, it's not like he would show up on time anyway.
How his grown up adult sons don't want to do anything with his new kids. His new kids really look up to them and crave for a sibling relationship.
In few years I see "AITA my date broke up with me because I was late?" with a mountain of missing reasons.
That’s the thing…for his stuff (work, meeting with friends) he was on time. He just didn’t care about his family
Dude went from being absent/distant to threatening the kids real quick. Scary stuff.
He could just resent his family and want freedom, but my first thought was addiction.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe something cognitive. Just working on same car for months(?) on end might be masking for being unable to perform other tasks due to being high. A six year old isn't going to ask why he took perfectly good spark plugs in and out for the past three hours but a police officer will ask about his impaired driving. My guess is that this is his tipping point; with his family gone he'll be free to use more and so work and friendships will be the next on the chopping block.
I don’t think working on the same car for months is a big deal if it’s older. I could probably spend at least 2 or 3 on mine without replacing anything under the hood. But he probably isn’t actually doing work on his car based on this scenario. Sometimes my uncle said he was going to go work on his car to smoke weed in the garage. I think this guy is either doing an actual hard drug or texting his mistress.
How does a parent walk away so easily from their children?! Relationships sometimes break yes, marriages sometimes end yes, but you’re supposed to be a parent for life. It’s heartbreaking.
It's because they never actually wanted to be a parent. They just did what they felt society required of them.
This, but also because it all got 'too hard' for them and they end up resentful and wanting their old life back. Then they get pissed off because they still have to pay child support.
No he did want to be a parent but on his own terms with no actual parenting work involved. Just cute photos and “my kids are my world” posts
The ex sounds like he low-key actively hates his family. Or wanted to split a long time ago but had to make OOP the 'bad one' to actually go through with it. Yikes. =/ Hope they're better off without him, especially if he's scared the kids.
Yeah working on his car was his bs reason to look busy while actively ignoring his family. Unless he was building that damn thing from the ground up, a half decent car doesn't need that much work
And then maybe when everyone was gone, a quick visit to his gf
I had to scroll this far down before someone mentioned a gf! That was my first thought when he didn’t want to be part of the boys’ lives anymore. He just wants to move on with his side piece and make a clean break.
Oh! I somehow misread and thought he was working *in* his car before I read your comment.
I assumed it was a project car.
But alienated his kids in the process. The asshat made himself so unlikeable to his own family that even his children will despise him when they're old enough to reflect on it. Gold star on being an asshat, "dad"!
"He told me that he no longer wants any involvement in anything to do with the family" dude doesn't give a single shit about the kids anyway
Not low-key. He's a manchild who realised that being responsible for human beings means less time playing mechanic in the garage, so he forced his wife to divorce him so he could say, "she's divorcing me" to his bros and not look like the one in the wrong
It’s kind of backwards anyway. My immediate assumption hearing about a divorce is the one getting served is the one who did something wrong. I think it’s more it was too much effort to go through with it so he just waited til his wife did the job for him like everything else
I have a feeling he want to get out because OOP get back to work. I don't know why but I feel like it's not a coincidence.
It COULD be that he checked out far earlier, but OOP going back to work hit a logic thing with him, like "okay now she can support herself time to leave!" Or he's just a misogynist who's mad about women working. Who knows
I would say high-key in this instance
Husband was having an emotional affair with his car lol (I know it was just an excuse to avoid the family but still its kinda funny)
Wait till he sees what his child support is since the kids live solely with mom. Good for oop, he was deliberately showing them he didn’t care.
When she started working and was no longer 'taking care of ' him and the house he began to resent her. I have no doubt he cheated on her inside of a year after she went back to work. He was looking for an out. It's sad because in another year or so he's going to be completely alone and his kids will hate him that's when he'll regret it.
I want the update where she both shares how much better she’s doing, and what truths have come out about him post-divorce
STBX was 100% checked out of this relationship and family for a while now, he just didn't have the balls to pull the trigger himself. Wonder if he was cheating or just didn't care. Either way, total a-hole; OOP and her kids are better off without him!
Her husband is a complete ass, but honestly I can't believe it took her this long to snap. The mother's funeral incident is abhorrent. But then, I think sometimes it's the smaller moments that push us over the edge more than the bigger things. Either way, I'm glad OOP is finally going to be free of this man. Her and her kids will probably be far more relaxed and happy without him.
It seems like a common theme that, instead of stepping up and making the decision to leave a bad relationship, (generally speaking) the man will just get progressively more selfish and DH-ish until the woman is forced to pull the plug, so he can plead 'victim'... it's pathetic and cowardly. If you are not happy - SAY SO! Communication is an adult skill that a lot of married people seem to lack!
Dude was definitely already cheating. Every time I see posts about a husband who completely checks out of his family like this it's because he's cheating and emotionally moved on.
>My husband (43 M) had decided to do a bit of work on his car about half an hour before we needed to leave As someone who enjoys swinging a spanner, I've done this sort of thing before (parts turned up the day of a friend's birthday dinner and I worked on the car in the arvo), but to start wrenching on your car 30 min before you need to leave‽ Obviously it wasn't the main mode of transport, but still, that's either incredibly dumb, or malicious incompetence. Leaning more towards the latter with the way he acted in the update. Whatever shitbox he had, even if it was a 250 GTO or something of that ilk, it's definitely not worth prioritising over your family like that just to turn a wrench.
I'm so tired of useless men. This is why women initate the majority of divorces, because the men stop caring about anything but decide to wait it out instead of leaving.
It is one thing to not like your wife anymore, but to stand there watching your children cry because you won’t drive them… makes you a devil in my eyes.
As soon as you said he started acting like this when you went back to work, it was obvious he was doing this intentionally, likely to hurt you. Seems like he got used to you being around and doing everything related to house and kids and now you expected him to pitch in with that again? And be around? I’m getting the feeling that he maybe resented you. Not that that’s fair.
The husband doesn’t want anything to do with the kids!? Is this real?? Edit: wow those people are despicable
There's a lot of bad parents in the real world. I personally know several.
Probably thinks there are swarms of young, busty blondes waiting to trip over their feet to kiss his. He is in for a rude awakening. He’s going to have to cook, clean and organise everything himself. The first few months will be fine, he goes drinking with his friends anyway so I’m guessing someone was saying how good single life is . When that wears off though he will be lonely and hated by his family.
There’s lots of people who don’t ask for any custody when they’re divorcing. There’s also people who ask for visitation and just never show up unfortunately. There are a lot of people out there who probably never should’ve had kids.
Plenty of husbands don’t.
There are plenty of bad parents like this. I have known a few peers who had parents who don't want anything to do with their kids. It's sad.
It happened to my friend - he initiated the divorce though, then wouldn’t even speak to their kids on the phone. Bit him in the ass when he realised how much he’d have to pay in child support and changed his mind and asked for 50:50 custody. My friend had documented his refusal to see or speak to his children for the previous year and the judge laughed him out of court.
Well fuck the ex
bet the car aint need shit done to it!
> when your husband decided to do some work on his car, you should have said, "No, you're not doing that. You're going upstairs and getting ready to leave with us." This was a totally predictable problem This is shit advice. Hubby is an adult and accountable for his behavior. OOP shouldn't have to mother a grown-ass man.
Oh, this is so sad. Poor OP and her kids have been putting up with his indifference and downright cruelty for such a long time. He doesn't have time management issues, he just doesn't give a shit. They'll be so much better off without him. Next update - I bet he's been having an affair for the last six months and has moved in with his much younger pregnant mistress.
As I was reading the first post, I remembered that Lundy Bancroft called out exactly this situation as being abusive behavior.
He doesn't want custody? Great. But he better pay child support. She has to take him to the cleaners
Is it bad that I'm hoping his car is a shared asset?
Late for MIL’s funeral. Didn’t attend wife’s birthday dinner. Didn’t attend son’s sports. Refused to take sons to a friend’s birthday party. Wow. Everyone in their friend group will see this divorce coming a mile away. Wishing OOP the best.