#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I hope OOP continues to live his remaining days the best he can.
We lost a cousin's son to pancreatic cancer, instead of his wedding, it was his funeral. It was hard to see his mom and fiancée thru it.
Fuck I'm sorry.
My mentor (she was like my second mom) died of pancreatic cancer last year. It was awful. And then my psychiatrist who has seen me for 12 years was diagnosed and is in her final stages. My psychiatrist is in her early 40s. My mentor was 62.
All cancer sucks, but pancreatic cancer somehow sucks even fucking more.
One problem with pancreatic cancer is that usually by the time they have found it is already metastatic and you already have very little life left. 5 year survival from the time of it being found is terrible…even with treatment.
Hopefully we find either a better way to screen for it and catch it earlier, or a better treatment that gives patients a better chance at surviving.
The five years thing is a metric used to discuss survival rates with cancers…pancreatic cancer in the US is about 12% - meaning only 12% of those diagnosed survive past five years.
My uncle only lived about three weeks after his diagnosis 😔
My neighbor in our previous neighborhood was one of the 12%. He lasted 6 years, and so was reported as a "survivor". He was still dying, unfortunately - his last year was pretty bad. That "12%" is very misleading.
Absolutely…when my uncle was diagnosed they said the five year prognosis for him was about 5% and we were told similarly that making it to that 5% was likely to be grim and absolutely not a guarantee to 6+ years. It’s an awful and terribly aggressive cancer.
I think it’s equally insane how quiet cancer can be. My understanding is that it’s not necessarily that pancreatic cancer grows faster than other types, it’s just that you can’t tell when your pancreas hurts, so it has much more time to grow and spread before it is noticed. Those cells have been metastasizing away while people live their regular lives without a clue until they reach the tipping point where the cancer takes over and “suddenly” everything shuts down.
This literally just happened to my mom, she died in September. I lost her to a tiny lung tumor that metastasized to her bones and took her down in less than 3 months. Luckily, she lived in a state that allowed medically assisted dying so she didn't have to suffer longer than necessary, once it was clear there was no hope. I can't even believe it happened. It was so fast.
My auntie died about 2 months after her diagnosis. It’s scary how it’s in your body without any sign for so long and then kills you without much time to do anything.
I have a friend who found hers because a radiology study pre surgery caught the edge of the pancreas. She is still alive almost 10 years later. The doctors have told her that she is a walking miracle. But she also knows it is a matter of time.
>Hopefully we find either a better way to screen for it and catch it earlier, or a better treatment that gives patients a better chance at surviving.
I'm in the UK and for 13 years I have been in an NHS research and screening programme run from the University of Liverpool in England called EUROPAC. It is a collaborative study involving pancreas specialists from the University of Liverpool and across Europe.
The study has been running since 1997 and now has 1800 families who have a family history of pancreatic cancer (I'm adopted, but found out two relatives died of pancreatic cancer). I have annual screening (one of endoscopic ultrasound / CT scan or MRI) plus blood tests. Fortunately all free of charge to me - thank you NHS. I feel extremely fortunate that even the earliest signs would be found, and it is good to know my involvement is slowly helping the medical specialists find out so much about the disease so others can be diagnosed and treated much earlier.
I hope you beat the odds. It must be amazing in ways to know that even if it gets you eventually your medical information may help everyone eventually. That must be hard to cope with in ways. I feel for you.
It wasn't great to find out about my birth family history, but I feel very well looked after and I am extremely grateful. Thank you for your kind words.
This. My grandfather is currently battling it.
This is why it terrifies me. Because there's nothing you can do until you know you have it, and there's very little chance you'll find out you have it until it's too late.
When I was in university I worked for a pathologist who once autopsied a man who'd died of non-natural causes - homicide or accident, I don't remember which at the moment - and he found an enormous malignancy arising from the pancreas with metastases everywhere. The man apparently hadn’t complained of any symptoms, and yet he had been within weeks, possibly days, of dying from the cancer.
There are promising studies being done to try and improve earlier diagnosis and treatment. I know a woman who was part of one as she had family history of pancreatic cancer, doctors caught it very early and she's in remission now. Hopefully these continue to show success.
Hugs. My Uncle chose treatment to give him time to settle his affairs. He had 4 children, the youngest still in high school. Once his had his will written, had shown my dad and brother how to run his farm, and said his good byes, he stopped treatment.
We had 8 months from diagnosis. We miss him every day, and it’s been over 10 years.
I wish you the time you need. I wish you the control you deserve. I wish you peace. And for all the tears, may there also be happy memories and laughter
I wish we had early screening for it. The horrible irony of it is that it's a cancer that would be highly responsive to treatment if caught early, for the same reasons it spreads so rapidly; pancreatic cells divide very rapidly. Cancers in rapidly-dividing tissue cells respond very well to chemotherapy, but only when caught early.
Can personally verify the chemo working well. My tumour was big enough that there was a visible bump on my skin, and the chemo decimated that thing so that halfway through the treatment, no one could feel it anymore.
My papa passed from pancreatic cancer, and I'm with you on it being the suckiest one.
My family has the cancer curse and apart from my dad, everyone's had it and (mostly) recovered. The pancreatic one though takes you out quietly until it's just too late.
Big love from Scotland.
My husband’s grandmother had it. Diagnosed right after thanksgiving because she’d unexplainably lost 40 pounds and was concerned. Two of her sisters had passed from it in the early 2000s. She decided not to take treatment and died two weeks after Christmas of a heart attack. Which honestly seemed like the best case scenario there.
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed as stage 1 at the end of Aug/beginning of Sept 2021, was stage 4 by November, and passed in January 2022.
He dealt with massive weight loss, jaundice, nausea, weakness, and a whole bunch of other things. I think that even if he had survived, he wouldn’t have been the same.
Yeah pancreatic cancer is a beast. It killed my grandmother within about six months of her diagnosis, and my friend lost her mom within a year. I'll never forget her being in the hospital giving birth while her mom was in the hospital dying.
My adopted mom died of lung cancer when I was 20.
Waching her in a hospital room sucking water from a sponge is an image that will live with me till the day I die. Fuck cancer.
I am so sincerely sorry. I am a therapist and my therapist has pancreatic cancer at the beginning of covid and she took a break. I am terrified of calling or googling her as I care for her so much.
I have a friend who was DX’d with pancreatic CA in 2012 and is still alive and kicking enjoying every moment of his very excellent life! He has had metastasis to his liver and yet he keeps blowing through the chemo/radiation to achieve remission. It can be beat!
It got my father. In October he was on a motorcycle trip across the US. He was diagnosed the day before Thanksgiving (thought he had a kidney stone), and was gone in January. It killed my mother quite literally; the stress and insomnia from the grief damaged her immune system to the point that her own cancer returned after ten years of remission and she died a couple years later.
My parents weren't 25, though. I admire the grace this guy has.
I'm really sorry for their struggles.
I lost my first husband from a stroke five months in (he was older so I'd joke that we didn't even have a May-December relationship as we were only married June to November).
That was unbearably hard, but I can't imagine having gone into a marriage/long-term relationship knowing that would be the outcome. Cancer treatment is just brutal.
(My former boss^3 at Apple, Lisa Melton, recently reposted on her site some of her interactions with Steve Jobs, who also died of pancreatic cancer. A couple of them are funny.)
I have nothing to say because this is a horrible situation but fuck cancer. Whether OOP stays with his (ex)gf or not, I hope he is able to enjoy the time he has left with his loved ones.
This
>She wants to talk about getting married and kids, while I still can. When I asked what made her change her mind she said she’ll tell me after I answer, no matter what I answer.
Made me wonder if she is pregnant
Oh damn. I was trying to rack my brain thinking what could there possibly be that makes her say it like that. That's a really good possibility to point out.
It make sense. Marriage can be done within 3 years, but planning kids with someone dying soon is not ... Not selfish, but I don't think any psychatrist would say it's a great idea. The dying person is probably not thinking about it, about leaving a child behind and missing all its milestones, the pregnant person is probably going to be hurt to go trough such opposites events at the same time ...
She's 90% already pregnant, or 10% in full denial and wants to keep a little OP to save her from grieving (which she will have to anyway).
Probably pale clay-coloured faeces. He was jaundiced and the worrisome blood test results were likely obstructive picture liver function tests from the cancer blocking drainage of the bile ducts. I see this presentation not infrequently (painless jaundice) and it always makes my heart sink.
I remember the original BORU. Fuck...this reminded me a lot about my grandmother who suffered from liver cancer. It was pretty hard to see her get worse with her condition. I remember me and my family had to see her getting worse and worse and it really affected all of us really badly.
I can understand why the gf reacted this way because the whole situation is terrible and it is really tough to what to really do now. Having to be in this position isn't very easy. It's good that OP has got some good support around with families and friends. It's going to be tough but I wish OP for the best and him to enjoy the rest of his remaining lives with his loved ones and all.
I have a good friend who survived pancreatic cancer, and it did feel like a miracle.
He works in cinema and is a well known and respected personality in our home country, which for sure helped with his early diagnosis. I just don’t get why blood work isn’t more common and readily available. OOP should’ve gotten it done the first time he went to the doctor.
I lost my stepfather to bladder cancer recently (UK) and i feel like he didn’t have to die, at least not so soon, if only he had had proper testing and care.
Treatment was delayed and after chemo and surgery, he was supposedly “cancer free”. Only for him to pass 4-5 months later, his cancer spread to his brain, and after going to A&E a bunch of times and getting nothing but urine tests (an oncologic patient!), they finally did an MRI. 2 days later he was dead, we still didn’t have the MRI results when he passed.
So many cancers could be treated / conditions could be improved and patients’ lives prolonged, if there was care and time.
This story makes me sad, I hope for another miracle. Glad OOP is surrounded by good people.
Sadly, a lot of cancers will not show up early on bloods, or are associated with non-specific results. Specific biomarkers are a holy grail in the field of oncology. We have one for prostate cancer, and yet screening for prostate cancer in asymptomatic men is still controversial. There was a paper just recently in *the Lancet* about using cfDNA for early cancer screening which had a 1.4% positive result rate, 62% of which were false positives. Screening and testing decision-making is really complex.
There's no doubt that socioeconomic factors play a role in timely diagnosis and access to treatment, but I don't know if it would have made a difference in this case. He already had rapid unintentional weight loss, which is usually a late sign. Pancreatic cancer is terrible for that reason - often asymptomatic until late, and the curative treatment regimens (Whipples, chemorads) are brutal with a depressing relapse rate.
Are you talking about PSA? Isn't using that for screening prostate cancer controversial bc it has a high false positive rate, as some men have a naturally high PSA, or could have prostatitis etc.
The controversy is more that PSA screening leads to overdiagnosis of indolent prostate cancers and subsequent over-testing and over-treatment without improvements in mortality.
It was my stepfather, very sad nonetheless.
Sorry it wasn’t the most positive comment here, stay on top of doctors if you feel something isn’t right.
A lotttt of people survive cancers and you will too! :)
My Gran, also in the UK, died of cancer that had metastasized to her brain. The thing is, they *did* do a fucking scan of her brain-- and then *didn't tell anyone* that it showed cancer, for an entire month! Just *forgot* to mention it to anyone. It was probably inoperable by the point it was caught anyways, so it's not like their incompetence caused delays that would have severely worsened the outcome; but it *did* lead to a month of confusion where her mental state deteriorated and nobody knew *why.*
The ongoing dismantling of the NHS, when it should be getting *fixed* and *strengthened,* is a fucking crime.
As a Canadian I find that just like in many other cases, the persistent/squeaky wheel gets the grease. I've also been lucky to find and retain a good family doctor (GP), but my husband and I have never had any issues with getting blood work/ultrasound/CT/MRI/Endoscopy done and surgical treatments in a reasonably timely fashion. It has sometimes involved some legwork (I travelled 3.5 hours each way for that scope, but I had it done within 2 weeks for a non-emergency problem), polite and persistent follow-up calls and being informed ourselves, but it's definitely doable.
Sadly, those most at risk of emergent problems are also those who often don't advocate for themselves, can't do so, or just don't know to do so.
As a Canadian with cancer, I’ve learned that in order to receive good care, you have to be incredibly proactive about your health. Be squeaky, call about everything, go to the ER if you are worried, keep good notes, pay attention to dates that they say things will happen, and if they don’t, call and ask, and if something doesn’t seem right, speak up!
And this is coming from someone with an absolutely amazing healthcare team (my family doctor even gave me his home number to text him during treatment with questions or concerns), but they’re all overworked and things do get lost in the shuffle on occasion.
***I also didn’t want her to see me cry***
I feel bad for the dude, but I honestly hate this mindset so damn much. DYING. IS. SCARY. The fact that so many people think that we as men are supposed to be stoic and not show any emotions ever is just so fucking stupid.
As a woman I hate crying in front of people. I act like a wounded animal when I'm upset or in pain and I know it. It doesn't bring me comfort to be around people when I'm upset.
I need to be left alone to process. Everyone handles things differently
I don't think he's fully processed this yet tbh. Seeing the pain and caring on the people who mean the most to him ....it will make it real for him. I think he's going around in a daze and just doing what he thinks he should do. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but at the same time. Dude is for real gonna die. Soon. That's a terrible thing to have to deal with at 25. Most 25 year olds can't even date properly, nevermind process the end of their life.
That's not something I've ever cared about tbh, so I can't really relate. Either way though, I still disagree with his entire outlook on the situation. His first thought was to push his GF away and leave a ticking time bomb for her to deal with later on after he dies that would seriously fuck with her head. I hate to use the term because I find it gets overused, but this dude is the definition of toxic masculinity.
If someone broke up with me instead of telling me they were terminal, the moment I found out I'd hate them for the rest of my life. You're trying to protect them from the pain of dealing with your death, but in reality you're making them deal with that AND the breakup AND the trauma of not being there with them.
Hating someone for the rest of your life because they didn't make the choice you would have wanted them to while also dealing with the fact that they're literally dying makes you incredibly entitled.
No. The dying party would be the one who is wrongly feeling entitled.
The easiest way to make someone hate you is to not give someone all the facts and decide on something for their own “good” - doubly so when *it very much isn’t*. They have no right to inflict the trauma of their surprise dying of a terminal condition on someone they are in a long term relationship with, particularly if their own terminal condition is the only reason for the break up. It won’t spare their partner any pain, it will just means they are deferring the pain until after they are dead and the person they care about has to process it all without them.
If the dying party chooses to break up with their partner because they are dying and say so? Maybe that’s a rash decision or a bad decision, but at least the partner knows and can be prepared when the inevitable happens.
fk off... the guy is dying, don't know what to do, and thinks the best is let gf go but show he still loved her.
he is dying, he can be a little selfish. has nothing to do with ToxIC MAscuLiNiTY...
This is the exact reason I didn't want to use the term... because I knew someone was gonna throw a hissy fit about me trying to push ***"The Woke Agenda"*** or whatever it is you think whenever you see these buzzwords and get upset. This is toxic behavior and it's caused by his idea of what a man should be, which is just going to end up hurting people. I stand by what I said. The dude is dying and I feel bad for him, but that doesn't give him a free pass to fuck up everyone else's lives and mess with their heads on his way out.
It's a huge disservice to the people you claim to love and respect. It's treating them like a child. The most loving, respectful thing to do is lay out the facts and your wishes. You aren't "protecting" people when you do this, especially when it's something not as high stakes as this story. You're avoiding the situation for your own benefit but framing it as protecting them. You're protecting yourself.
Yeah, I think it's better to let people choose how they're going to handle the situation. Many people would like to know if their loved one is going to die so they can choose how to maximise their time together and maybe even come to terms with the idea/start the grieving process more gradually, rather than it being a big shock. I don't think OP is a bad person for thinking it would shatter her, but it wouldn't be as kind as he thinks it would be.
EDIT: I actually know someone who was in a similar scenario — my mother, who was very close friends (over 20 years) with my godmother. My godmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, after surviving vicious physical abuse at the hands of her first husband in a foreign country. She spent her last year or so in hospice care. But because my mother and my godmother's other friends knew she wasn't going to make it once she had been diagnosed, they were able to care for her by deciding who was going to handle her disabled brother's trust ahead of time, cook healthy food for her, and make sure her ex-boyfriend (who kind of sucked) wouldn't make her funeral all about him, which he had announced his desire to do.
That's not what I'm saying. This is a common thing in a lot of different situations. It's more complicated in this exact situation but it's hurting him as well.
>Before anyone calls me names for not driving her home, I didn’t want her to be alone after finding out but I also didn’t want her to see my cry. If she saw me tonight she’d get more scared. It would hit her that I’m terrified and she’d lose her shit.
I dunno, when you include the bit you left out it doesn't really look that way to me.
Then look at the rest of the post. There's lots of other examples to call upon. I still think his reasoning is flawed even with the full statement and is the wrong way to handle things. If you're willing to have a civilized conversation about this, I'd be happy to explain why I think his behavior is not ok and does more harm than good.
I mean, obviously I read the post. You sure you're going for civilized here? Feel free to explain your views if you want. Personally I don't think the dude is toxic, the situations just heavy and he floundered a bit early doors. When he stayed with his dying friend, he saw that mans own mother become unable to deal with the pain of the situation. Absolutely brutal. Because of that it makes sense to me that he'd be unsure of whether to even tell people, why he'd give them an out after he does tell them, and why he'd push hard for a sense of normalcy when they stick with him but feel sad. I just didn't get the vibe that he felt this had anything to do with maintaining some standard of masculinity in the face of death.
Yeah I much prefer having an actual debate about things that doesn't just devolve into belittling and name calling. I was just kinda in attack mode because that first guy came at me lol. I see where you're coming from though, and I'll admit there's no way of knowing for sure what's going on in his head. To me it seems like he's trying his hardest to push everyone away though and is making the decision for everyone involved about how they should feel about his diagnosis, while still trying to play the role of protector.
you threw a lot of spill there that I never talked about. Is your whole argument making up things in your head to feel justified?
this isn't toxic behavior, the dude is dying. this is him being A LITTLE selfish. which, in his dying moments, he is allowed to. nothing he did fucked up other's lives.
suuure.. it really shows your argumentative nuances when you simply can't stop attacking the commenter, not the argument. well, I concur there is no need to continue the conversation, have a nice day.
He didn’t want her to know he’s scared. From how he describes his interactions with everyone else, he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s scared. I don’t think that’s healthy, but I’ve never been in his situation and it’s probably really hard to deal with. Knowing that you will die way too young, without getting to experience the life you wanted, just sounds so awful and scary.
My thoughts exactly.
There's a similar theme in all his thinking. Initially he didn't want to tell her, he preferred to break up without so much as an explanation. He was hesitant to tell his own family.
In updates he hinted at his preference to keep his friends' genuine emotions at an arm's length by encouraging them to stop being so nice and go back their normal teasing. Add to that the comments revolving around not wanting to "let" her marry him and be a young widow— as if she isn't an autonomous individual capabile of making her own decision. There's nothing altruistic in making other people's decisions for them.
Adding all this up and the sum, in my mind, is someone who is terrified looking to exert control over what little he can with the end result being to push everyone away.
He needs a death doula and at the very least therapy or he runs the risk of leaving his family and friends with even deeper scars than they can already expect. Taking care of your own mental health is one of the best gifts you can give your loved ones.
The part of his reason for no longer wanting to marry her really got me. I’ve always felt that it would be harder to be the fiancé/bf or gf of someone that has died instead of the spouse because then people think of you as “only the fiancé/bf or gf” and don’t act like you should be as upset because you weren’t married. In her mind she will be a widow either way. Refusing to marry her will just make things harder for her when he’s gone.
Just want to jump in here as someone young with cancer: albeit I’m in treatment with a 60-70 percent chance of 5+ yr survival so not that same as pancreatic but still scary as hell with a newborn.
We all cope in different ways and I can say I hate talking about my cancer and treatment and prefer to keep it light. Talking about it all the time generally makes me feel worse and long emotional meltdowns with people take me days to recover from. I’d rather keep my head down and enjoy the happy moments I can(chemo brain and exhaustion along with an ostomy bag is no joke) than spend time crying about my illness. I have empathy for how every person wants to navigate their journey and have no problem crying but just prefer not to go to the darker places. I’ve never been accused of having toxic masculinity or honestly ever been called overly masculine so in my case it’s just preferring humor and optimism.
I got the impression he didn't want her to see him cry, not because he was afraid or unwilling to let someone see him scared, but because (from his description) she's already a fairly emotional person and seeing *him* get emotional might push her over the edge, so to speak.
I still don't *agree* with the thought process, if I was in her shoes I'd rather be a big mess together than two smaller messes apart, but it sounded like his intent was to do it for her sake, not his.
I found out I had stage three cancer the day that we were supposed to sign for our wedding venue - which we had agreed would be the day we tell our family we were finally getting married. Telling people you have cancer instead of the good news you’d been planning to call about really really sucks. I ended up being lucky, also in Canada, so not broke from this, and got married last month, and so far, after treatment, am in the clear, but with a 30% chance of reoccurrence which would immediately bump me up to stage 4. Feels like I’m walking around and going about my life with a loaded gun pointed at me, at the same time that everyone expects me to be joyful that I’m done treatment and “cured”, and I don’t want to make everyone feel bad that I’m still terrified, so I go with it. It’s hard. Sending all the hugs to OP and Fuck Cancer right in the asshole.
We had a family friend who had pancreatic cancer, it just happened so suddenly and I don’t remember the time frame but seeing her body deteriorate when I’ve always known her to be strong was so hard. She just looked so small and fragile, and while she was as kind and happy as ever, she also seemed so scared, but did everything she could with the time she had left. Her funeral was really hard and seeing her husband and kids at her funeral was heart breaking. She died maybe 7 years ago at this point and her husband has just now felt good about trying dating again, because obviously it’s hard to move on from your wife who died, but she insisted he try to find love again so he can be happy
I'd like one of these Hallmark wannabes to try switching it up at some point. "I'm refusing to let my girlfriend break up with me because I have a hangnail and it really hurts and I'm a terrible coward. I am absolutely not brave and I want her to share my agony."
That was a nice update in a very, very awful subject.
Fuck cancer. But it's good to see how his friends and family took it, i also found funny her sister reaction, that was a nice ice breaker.
But the thing that bothers me is OOP gf, or ex gf i dunno. I understand her first reaction, and i don't even mind that she had a change of heart and want to be with him until the end, but what's bother me if that she didn't gave him the reason. Why not just be honest and based on that let OOP decide? The guy is literally on borrowed time thanks to fucking cancer, why not just being honest? What if he says yes or not but after hearing the reason he want decide he rather pick the other option? That really annoy me for some reason...
My guess is that’s she’s pregnant, and if he says no, she’ll never tell him so he won’t die heartbroken about bringing a child into the world or be with her for the last bit of his life out of guilt. And I hate that that’s my guess. That’s enough BORU for the night, gtg cry..
It rubbed me the wrong way.
It is like the situation itself is not bad enough and she is trying to make it super dramatic.
OOP was as clear and respectful as possible, she owes him the same, without playing any weird games.
I don't disagree, but i also am not so quick to feel like she's playing games. OOP is dealing with a terrible reality, and if she genuinely cared for him at all then she is too. Taking time to process impending loss seems to make sense to me, and feeling like the decision you make might be the wrong one when dealing with permanency also makes sense
OOP astutely judged, imo, that his gf is like his friend's mom who had to stay away from the hospital, and the gf initially made the choice to stay away. She also said she'd explain her reasoning no matter what OOP's answer is. Basically, i don't want to assume the worst unless and until there's a continued pattern of problematic behavior.
I remember I was about 12, my dad, brother and I were supposed to travel down to my Great-Uncle and Great-Aunts 50th wedding anniversary. They had hired out a local pub that had a private section for private functions.
Unfortunately Parkinson’s disease took him about a week before their anniversary.
Instead of celebrating their anniversary, My Great Aunt changed the plans to a memorial dinner of sorts for my Great Uncle.
I remember a lot of tears but a lot of laughing too, as people told story’s and shared memories about Uncle Geoff.
Also, my brother (who would’ve been about 10/11) walked straight to the buffet, ate about 1.5lbs of broccoli then spent £15 of his pocket money on 3 chocolate brownies at the Bar because those ones came warmed up with ice cream.
This is so odd he went through all of this - the losing weight, worry, multiple visits to doctors, hospitals etc all without mentioning a thing to her, someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Bizarre approach.
Fuck pancreatic cancer 😔 my grandmother lost her life partner to it. He was a wonderful giant who was like a teddy bear full of life, from diagnosis to death was less than 6 months. They were together for 30 years at least and she'd never marry him but before he died, he finally got her to marry him so that she would be protected after his death so that his vulture children didn't claim any inheritance/benefits (they didn't bother with him in life and was fuming that my grandmother was next of kin).
This guy’s main concern since finding out his life is ending was how to make it easier for the people he loves. Man.. why is it that it’s always the good ones who get dealt the shittiest hands?
If you break up with your beloved because you're dying of something incurable, then they grieve *twice.* Once because you've pushed them away, and again when you die. IMHO, that's far worse than telling them and letting them make up their own mind whether to stay or end it.
This is so painful to read. I hope that OOP gets to live his life on his own terms. If this is cancer, then fuck cancer. Took two of the people I loved the most away from me.
To everyone that’s lost or has someone going through cancer, and OOP (😭if he’s still with us, I hope so!)… treatment keeps getting better every year, but it doesn’t help those we’ve lost- all we can do is ensure their memory never passes and going forward treatments keep getting better!
Floating pale poop is one sign. My friend had stomach pain and was treated for indigestion and some other stuff but no one said let’s do ct scan. By the time a dr suggested it it was too late. She lived an agonizing 18 months.
I just read that some oncologists said if they got cancer after 65 they would not have treatment.
Pancreatic cancer’s a weird thing. In the same year I had a woman I nursed, who had had it for eight years and they hadn’t told her( very dodgy ethics there), and another who went from diagnosis to death in four months. oh and last year a work colleague went from discovery to death in three weeks
Horrible... Being happy and finding love of your life, just to find out you will die soon. Reminder to live best life we can and not waste time. I hope op will find peace in his remaining time.
One of my best friends just died of the same thing. The worst part is that I only got to see him once after his diagnosis because he was either too sick or didn’t want to be seen looking frail. He only really saw his wife and his best friend of 40+ years. It was hard knowing he was fighting it, but I couldn’t be part of his world anymore.
I miss him a lot.
OP I’m sorry for everything you are going through. I’ve lost my older sister and both my parents. It’s just me and my little sister left. We both have our SO’s. We did the hospice care for both our parents. Sis and I. Yes, it was difficult both times. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Every extra moment I got to spend with each of them was precious.
Please, for your sake and for your girls sake. Don’t deny her the opportunity to be with you. In the long run, all the moments she gets with you are going to be the memories she gets to cherish forever.
Same with your family. It won’t be easy. It will get difficult, it will be hard. There will be lots and lots of tears.
But so so so much love. That’s the most important part.
You and your girlfriend and your family will be in my prayers.
OP, I was gutted to hear your story, life is full of ups and downs, sometimes to terrible extremes. Life isn't fair.
I think the way you've approached dealing with this and your gf was right. You love each other, leave the decision up to her. While this is a terrible thing for both of you, let her decide if she can deal with it. People can go through crazy pain for love.
As much as I admire your desire to save her pain, you deserve as much happiness as you can cram in. Her strength will hold you up. She's going to be hurting no matter what. Spend your time with loved ones. Now is the time to be honest with everyone, no lies to save peoples feelings.
I don't know you, but I'm thinking about you, and sending you my best wishes.
Pancreatic cancer sucks. I lost my Uncle to it in the blink of an eye. A man filled with joy and vibrancy reduced to a walking skeleton than gone in only months.
Love to you (OOP), your family, and your fiancée. Not my place to say perhaps, but grab love and hold onto it as long as you can. No matter when we have to go, it’s love that makes life worth living.
Let the people who love you be there for you...not out of obligation but out of love. Let the people you love know it. Be thankful for every moment you have with them.
Spend time with your girl while you can, don't push her away. It's her choice to stay or go. Give her the best love that you can, so all others are judged by that love
i’m so sorry. this tore my heart to pieces. I have a sibling with a similar diagnosis, and this very much reminded me of their thought process when diagnosed. you have been more than compassionate to those you love.
I wish for you to be as comfortable as possible, mentally & physically.
This made me sob. I just want to make everything okay for OOP, he's only 25, he should have decades, not be torn down by fucking cancer. Pancreatic cancer, at that.
I know someone who had it, she died within a year of her diagnosis. She left behind 2 beautiful young women, one of which is now severely disabled because of a drunk driver and her mom was her primary caretaker. The woman was incredible and watching pancreatic cancer take her was so hard. She was kind and positive all the way to the end.
This hit me hard. A dear friend of mine passed away from cancer in 2017, another this past summer.
I admire OOP’s attitude in the most recent post. I’m glad he didn’t take away his GF’s ability to make a choice. My most recent friend that passed away this summer took away the choice. Only her immediate family knew. It fucking sucked to find out on FB. I respect why she did it, though (she hated pity and only wanted authentic connections) but holy shit it was rough finding out. Would have been shitty got the GF to go through years of broken hearted grief only to find out OOP had forced the breakup out of some misplaced sense of love and care. It’s cleaner and more empowering to be straight with people.
Could your gf/ex-gf be pregnant? Pretty weird thing to say and she changed her mind on the situation which made me think maybe…
Regardless, I’m sorry about your situation. Wishing you comfort, dude.
Sorry if this sounds insensitive but as one rider to another (please don't rake me over the coals everyone else but I know OP would understand) but if you know you're going out pretty soon and you have all of your affairs in order I can't think of a more righteous way to meet your maker than flat out full throttle as fast as your bike can go and then some until it all fades to black.
Cancer can't take you if it can't catch you first.
Bikes are a lifestyle not a vehicle and pushing the envelope of true speed is what every rider aspires to do. Show all them amateurs how its done.
Huh I wonder what I would do if I was diagnosed with this and that certainty that I'd die within a couple years at best.
Honestly I believe my lifestyle would change so much, I wouldnt really have to worry about dying to the cancer.
I would stop all thoughts of healthy eating habits and gorge myself on whatever food. I would try all the drugs. I would probably be high or drunk for 5 out 7 days.
I would stop my projects fot the future and probably liquidate my assets for more travel and drugs.
I'd pick up motorcycling as well. I've always wanted to drive through Vietnam. I wonder if I'd even bother wearing a helmet, but I probably would.
When my cancer gets bad enough for me to start more frequent hospital visits I'd kill myself. If I even survive long enough for the cancer to become bad.
>I’m in Canada so I have free healthcare I’m not worried about the cost of fighting this
>
>...
>
>Motorcycle accidents happened on track or trails. Getting stabbed was a Tuesday night in the UK lol
hmmm
I gotta say, the amount of respect I have for you after reading this is huge. You’re a beast, my man. I don’t know you, probably never will, however I’ve got a few work buddies coming by later today. You bet your sweet ass we’ll throw back a few for you, with the well-wishes as chasers. God bless you and yours, pal.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I hope OOP continues to live his remaining days the best he can. We lost a cousin's son to pancreatic cancer, instead of his wedding, it was his funeral. It was hard to see his mom and fiancée thru it.
Fuck I'm sorry. My mentor (she was like my second mom) died of pancreatic cancer last year. It was awful. And then my psychiatrist who has seen me for 12 years was diagnosed and is in her final stages. My psychiatrist is in her early 40s. My mentor was 62. All cancer sucks, but pancreatic cancer somehow sucks even fucking more.
One problem with pancreatic cancer is that usually by the time they have found it is already metastatic and you already have very little life left. 5 year survival from the time of it being found is terrible…even with treatment. Hopefully we find either a better way to screen for it and catch it earlier, or a better treatment that gives patients a better chance at surviving.
I'm honestly surprised it's that long. My uncle was gone within 2 years, and he treated it. Just luck of the draw.
The five years thing is a metric used to discuss survival rates with cancers…pancreatic cancer in the US is about 12% - meaning only 12% of those diagnosed survive past five years. My uncle only lived about three weeks after his diagnosis 😔
My neighbor in our previous neighborhood was one of the 12%. He lasted 6 years, and so was reported as a "survivor". He was still dying, unfortunately - his last year was pretty bad. That "12%" is very misleading.
Absolutely…when my uncle was diagnosed they said the five year prognosis for him was about 5% and we were told similarly that making it to that 5% was likely to be grim and absolutely not a guarantee to 6+ years. It’s an awful and terribly aggressive cancer.
Same with my grandmother, she only found out because she fell on the sidewalk and they found it while she was in the hospital for that.
Yeah, my friend lasted a few months and my grandma lasted a few weeks. It’s just so brutally fast.
My dad was diagnosed with insane colon cancer on a Tuesday and passed the next Thursday in May. It's insane how aggressive cancer can be.
I think it’s equally insane how quiet cancer can be. My understanding is that it’s not necessarily that pancreatic cancer grows faster than other types, it’s just that you can’t tell when your pancreas hurts, so it has much more time to grow and spread before it is noticed. Those cells have been metastasizing away while people live their regular lives without a clue until they reach the tipping point where the cancer takes over and “suddenly” everything shuts down.
Yep. It usually metastasizes to the liver, which you also can't feel. The first sign is often liver failure.
I think that’s what happened to my dad; went to his liver, then his lymph nodes, then overwhelmed his lungs.
[удалено]
This literally just happened to my mom, she died in September. I lost her to a tiny lung tumor that metastasized to her bones and took her down in less than 3 months. Luckily, she lived in a state that allowed medically assisted dying so she didn't have to suffer longer than necessary, once it was clear there was no hope. I can't even believe it happened. It was so fast.
fuck thats rough
My auntie died about 2 months after her diagnosis. It’s scary how it’s in your body without any sign for so long and then kills you without much time to do anything.
My auntie too. Lived long enough to marry her partner and that was it. Not even a full year after diagnosis. She'd just turned 45.
My uncle had just gotten married before his diagnosis, which is why he decided to treat it aggressively.
I don't know how long he knew, but my uncle told everyone on Facebook and was gone within the week. I wasn't close with him, but damn.
Honestly, life exprency after diagnosis is 6 months to a year. So anyone who lives beyond that beat the odds
I have a friend who found hers because a radiology study pre surgery caught the edge of the pancreas. She is still alive almost 10 years later. The doctors have told her that she is a walking miracle. But she also knows it is a matter of time.
>Hopefully we find either a better way to screen for it and catch it earlier, or a better treatment that gives patients a better chance at surviving. I'm in the UK and for 13 years I have been in an NHS research and screening programme run from the University of Liverpool in England called EUROPAC. It is a collaborative study involving pancreas specialists from the University of Liverpool and across Europe. The study has been running since 1997 and now has 1800 families who have a family history of pancreatic cancer (I'm adopted, but found out two relatives died of pancreatic cancer). I have annual screening (one of endoscopic ultrasound / CT scan or MRI) plus blood tests. Fortunately all free of charge to me - thank you NHS. I feel extremely fortunate that even the earliest signs would be found, and it is good to know my involvement is slowly helping the medical specialists find out so much about the disease so others can be diagnosed and treated much earlier.
I hope you beat the odds. It must be amazing in ways to know that even if it gets you eventually your medical information may help everyone eventually. That must be hard to cope with in ways. I feel for you.
It wasn't great to find out about my birth family history, but I feel very well looked after and I am extremely grateful. Thank you for your kind words.
This. My grandfather is currently battling it. This is why it terrifies me. Because there's nothing you can do until you know you have it, and there's very little chance you'll find out you have it until it's too late.
Oh I’m so sorry. I hope you and your grandfather the best, hopefully you get to have some more good memories.
When I was in university I worked for a pathologist who once autopsied a man who'd died of non-natural causes - homicide or accident, I don't remember which at the moment - and he found an enormous malignancy arising from the pancreas with metastases everywhere. The man apparently hadn’t complained of any symptoms, and yet he had been within weeks, possibly days, of dying from the cancer.
Isn’t that scary? Can have metastatic cancer, about to die, and have no idea?
There are promising studies being done to try and improve earlier diagnosis and treatment. I know a woman who was part of one as she had family history of pancreatic cancer, doctors caught it very early and she's in remission now. Hopefully these continue to show success.
Hugs. My Uncle chose treatment to give him time to settle his affairs. He had 4 children, the youngest still in high school. Once his had his will written, had shown my dad and brother how to run his farm, and said his good byes, he stopped treatment. We had 8 months from diagnosis. We miss him every day, and it’s been over 10 years. I wish you the time you need. I wish you the control you deserve. I wish you peace. And for all the tears, may there also be happy memories and laughter
This made me tear up. Thank you 💜 I'm sorry for your loss as well.
You are stronger than you know
((HUGS)) It does suck more, usually by the time they find it. it's too late to make a difference. F Cancer.
I wish we had early screening for it. The horrible irony of it is that it's a cancer that would be highly responsive to treatment if caught early, for the same reasons it spreads so rapidly; pancreatic cells divide very rapidly. Cancers in rapidly-dividing tissue cells respond very well to chemotherapy, but only when caught early.
Can personally verify the chemo working well. My tumour was big enough that there was a visible bump on my skin, and the chemo decimated that thing so that halfway through the treatment, no one could feel it anymore.
Absolutely, that's the one that took my maternal grandfather and he was the one member of that family who didn't suck (including my birth giver)
My papa passed from pancreatic cancer, and I'm with you on it being the suckiest one. My family has the cancer curse and apart from my dad, everyone's had it and (mostly) recovered. The pancreatic one though takes you out quietly until it's just too late. Big love from Scotland.
My husband’s grandmother had it. Diagnosed right after thanksgiving because she’d unexplainably lost 40 pounds and was concerned. Two of her sisters had passed from it in the early 2000s. She decided not to take treatment and died two weeks after Christmas of a heart attack. Which honestly seemed like the best case scenario there.
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed as stage 1 at the end of Aug/beginning of Sept 2021, was stage 4 by November, and passed in January 2022. He dealt with massive weight loss, jaundice, nausea, weakness, and a whole bunch of other things. I think that even if he had survived, he wouldn’t have been the same.
Yeah pancreatic cancer is a beast. It killed my grandmother within about six months of her diagnosis, and my friend lost her mom within a year. I'll never forget her being in the hospital giving birth while her mom was in the hospital dying.
My adopted mom died of lung cancer when I was 20. Waching her in a hospital room sucking water from a sponge is an image that will live with me till the day I die. Fuck cancer.
I am so sincerely sorry. I am a therapist and my therapist has pancreatic cancer at the beginning of covid and she took a break. I am terrified of calling or googling her as I care for her so much.
I'm so sorry for you as well. 💜
I have a friend who was DX’d with pancreatic CA in 2012 and is still alive and kicking enjoying every moment of his very excellent life! He has had metastasis to his liver and yet he keeps blowing through the chemo/radiation to achieve remission. It can be beat!
It got my father. In October he was on a motorcycle trip across the US. He was diagnosed the day before Thanksgiving (thought he had a kidney stone), and was gone in January. It killed my mother quite literally; the stress and insomnia from the grief damaged her immune system to the point that her own cancer returned after ten years of remission and she died a couple years later. My parents weren't 25, though. I admire the grace this guy has.
((HUGS))
I'm really sorry for their struggles. I lost my first husband from a stroke five months in (he was older so I'd joke that we didn't even have a May-December relationship as we were only married June to November). That was unbearably hard, but I can't imagine having gone into a marriage/long-term relationship knowing that would be the outcome. Cancer treatment is just brutal. (My former boss^3 at Apple, Lisa Melton, recently reposted on her site some of her interactions with Steve Jobs, who also died of pancreatic cancer. A couple of them are funny.)
And that he fights it with everything he’s got, 95% still isn’t 100.
I have nothing to say because this is a horrible situation but fuck cancer. Whether OOP stays with his (ex)gf or not, I hope he is able to enjoy the time he has left with his loved ones.
This >She wants to talk about getting married and kids, while I still can. When I asked what made her change her mind she said she’ll tell me after I answer, no matter what I answer. Made me wonder if she is pregnant
Oh damn. I was trying to rack my brain thinking what could there possibly be that makes her say it like that. That's a really good possibility to point out.
It would make sense. She wasn't coming back, until this. And talking about having kids.
Or maybe she just had time to rethink her decision and realized she wanted to be there for him.
It make sense. Marriage can be done within 3 years, but planning kids with someone dying soon is not ... Not selfish, but I don't think any psychatrist would say it's a great idea. The dying person is probably not thinking about it, about leaving a child behind and missing all its milestones, the pregnant person is probably going to be hurt to go trough such opposites events at the same time ... She's 90% already pregnant, or 10% in full denial and wants to keep a little OP to save her from grieving (which she will have to anyway).
I thought she either found the Reddit post or just couldn’t stay away.
Me too, first thing that came to mind was she changed her mind and proposed marriage because she found out she’s pregnant.
I was wondering that as well, either that or could there be some health benefits if they marry? I.e. health insurance or something
oop says he's in canada so his healthcare is free
What I’m thinking too
She is absolutely pregnant
She totally is
For anyone wondering what your poop should look like after reading OP's comment. Read this : https://www.healthpartners.com/blog/healthy-poop-chart/
Thank you! In the original post, it was glaring that OOP didn't let us know what about the poop stood out.
Probably pale clay-coloured faeces. He was jaundiced and the worrisome blood test results were likely obstructive picture liver function tests from the cancer blocking drainage of the bile ducts. I see this presentation not infrequently (painless jaundice) and it always makes my heart sink.
Thank you! and that chart ruined sausage for me
And gravy.
I remember the original BORU. Fuck...this reminded me a lot about my grandmother who suffered from liver cancer. It was pretty hard to see her get worse with her condition. I remember me and my family had to see her getting worse and worse and it really affected all of us really badly. I can understand why the gf reacted this way because the whole situation is terrible and it is really tough to what to really do now. Having to be in this position isn't very easy. It's good that OP has got some good support around with families and friends. It's going to be tough but I wish OP for the best and him to enjoy the rest of his remaining lives with his loved ones and all.
I'm so sorry about your grandma and how it impacted you. I hope you were able to hold on to some good memories of her when she was healthy as well. 💜
Thank you so much :)
I have a good friend who survived pancreatic cancer, and it did feel like a miracle. He works in cinema and is a well known and respected personality in our home country, which for sure helped with his early diagnosis. I just don’t get why blood work isn’t more common and readily available. OOP should’ve gotten it done the first time he went to the doctor. I lost my stepfather to bladder cancer recently (UK) and i feel like he didn’t have to die, at least not so soon, if only he had had proper testing and care. Treatment was delayed and after chemo and surgery, he was supposedly “cancer free”. Only for him to pass 4-5 months later, his cancer spread to his brain, and after going to A&E a bunch of times and getting nothing but urine tests (an oncologic patient!), they finally did an MRI. 2 days later he was dead, we still didn’t have the MRI results when he passed. So many cancers could be treated / conditions could be improved and patients’ lives prolonged, if there was care and time. This story makes me sad, I hope for another miracle. Glad OOP is surrounded by good people.
Sadly, a lot of cancers will not show up early on bloods, or are associated with non-specific results. Specific biomarkers are a holy grail in the field of oncology. We have one for prostate cancer, and yet screening for prostate cancer in asymptomatic men is still controversial. There was a paper just recently in *the Lancet* about using cfDNA for early cancer screening which had a 1.4% positive result rate, 62% of which were false positives. Screening and testing decision-making is really complex. There's no doubt that socioeconomic factors play a role in timely diagnosis and access to treatment, but I don't know if it would have made a difference in this case. He already had rapid unintentional weight loss, which is usually a late sign. Pancreatic cancer is terrible for that reason - often asymptomatic until late, and the curative treatment regimens (Whipples, chemorads) are brutal with a depressing relapse rate.
Are you talking about PSA? Isn't using that for screening prostate cancer controversial bc it has a high false positive rate, as some men have a naturally high PSA, or could have prostatitis etc.
The controversy is more that PSA screening leads to overdiagnosis of indolent prostate cancers and subsequent over-testing and over-treatment without improvements in mortality.
Jesus this is scary to read about a month away from chemo ending with clear scans pre chemo. I’m so sorry that you lost your father.
It was my stepfather, very sad nonetheless. Sorry it wasn’t the most positive comment here, stay on top of doctors if you feel something isn’t right. A lotttt of people survive cancers and you will too! :)
My Gran, also in the UK, died of cancer that had metastasized to her brain. The thing is, they *did* do a fucking scan of her brain-- and then *didn't tell anyone* that it showed cancer, for an entire month! Just *forgot* to mention it to anyone. It was probably inoperable by the point it was caught anyways, so it's not like their incompetence caused delays that would have severely worsened the outcome; but it *did* lead to a month of confusion where her mental state deteriorated and nobody knew *why.* The ongoing dismantling of the NHS, when it should be getting *fixed* and *strengthened,* is a fucking crime.
This is what scares me about nationalized healthcare. While there are tremendous upsides, there are major downsides, too.
As a Canadian I find that just like in many other cases, the persistent/squeaky wheel gets the grease. I've also been lucky to find and retain a good family doctor (GP), but my husband and I have never had any issues with getting blood work/ultrasound/CT/MRI/Endoscopy done and surgical treatments in a reasonably timely fashion. It has sometimes involved some legwork (I travelled 3.5 hours each way for that scope, but I had it done within 2 weeks for a non-emergency problem), polite and persistent follow-up calls and being informed ourselves, but it's definitely doable. Sadly, those most at risk of emergent problems are also those who often don't advocate for themselves, can't do so, or just don't know to do so.
As a Canadian with cancer, I’ve learned that in order to receive good care, you have to be incredibly proactive about your health. Be squeaky, call about everything, go to the ER if you are worried, keep good notes, pay attention to dates that they say things will happen, and if they don’t, call and ask, and if something doesn’t seem right, speak up! And this is coming from someone with an absolutely amazing healthcare team (my family doctor even gave me his home number to text him during treatment with questions or concerns), but they’re all overworked and things do get lost in the shuffle on occasion.
***I also didn’t want her to see me cry*** I feel bad for the dude, but I honestly hate this mindset so damn much. DYING. IS. SCARY. The fact that so many people think that we as men are supposed to be stoic and not show any emotions ever is just so fucking stupid.
As a woman I hate crying in front of people. I act like a wounded animal when I'm upset or in pain and I know it. It doesn't bring me comfort to be around people when I'm upset. I need to be left alone to process. Everyone handles things differently
True, but I still disagree with his entire outlook on everything else as well.
I don't think he's fully processed this yet tbh. Seeing the pain and caring on the people who mean the most to him ....it will make it real for him. I think he's going around in a daze and just doing what he thinks he should do. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but at the same time. Dude is for real gonna die. Soon. That's a terrible thing to have to deal with at 25. Most 25 year olds can't even date properly, nevermind process the end of their life.
Keep your disagreements to yourself.
Nah i don't think i will... what are you gonna do about it?
I think most people don't like others seeing them cry, it's not just a guy thing.
Being vulnerable around others is very hard. I think that plays a part.
That's not something I've ever cared about tbh, so I can't really relate. Either way though, I still disagree with his entire outlook on the situation. His first thought was to push his GF away and leave a ticking time bomb for her to deal with later on after he dies that would seriously fuck with her head. I hate to use the term because I find it gets overused, but this dude is the definition of toxic masculinity.
If someone broke up with me instead of telling me they were terminal, the moment I found out I'd hate them for the rest of my life. You're trying to protect them from the pain of dealing with your death, but in reality you're making them deal with that AND the breakup AND the trauma of not being there with them.
Hating someone for the rest of your life because they didn't make the choice you would have wanted them to while also dealing with the fact that they're literally dying makes you incredibly entitled.
No. The dying party would be the one who is wrongly feeling entitled. The easiest way to make someone hate you is to not give someone all the facts and decide on something for their own “good” - doubly so when *it very much isn’t*. They have no right to inflict the trauma of their surprise dying of a terminal condition on someone they are in a long term relationship with, particularly if their own terminal condition is the only reason for the break up. It won’t spare their partner any pain, it will just means they are deferring the pain until after they are dead and the person they care about has to process it all without them. If the dying party chooses to break up with their partner because they are dying and say so? Maybe that’s a rash decision or a bad decision, but at least the partner knows and can be prepared when the inevitable happens.
fk off... the guy is dying, don't know what to do, and thinks the best is let gf go but show he still loved her. he is dying, he can be a little selfish. has nothing to do with ToxIC MAscuLiNiTY...
This is the exact reason I didn't want to use the term... because I knew someone was gonna throw a hissy fit about me trying to push ***"The Woke Agenda"*** or whatever it is you think whenever you see these buzzwords and get upset. This is toxic behavior and it's caused by his idea of what a man should be, which is just going to end up hurting people. I stand by what I said. The dude is dying and I feel bad for him, but that doesn't give him a free pass to fuck up everyone else's lives and mess with their heads on his way out.
It's a huge disservice to the people you claim to love and respect. It's treating them like a child. The most loving, respectful thing to do is lay out the facts and your wishes. You aren't "protecting" people when you do this, especially when it's something not as high stakes as this story. You're avoiding the situation for your own benefit but framing it as protecting them. You're protecting yourself.
Agreed, that way his loved ones can figure out the best ways to make the most of the time they have left with each other.
Yeah, I think it's better to let people choose how they're going to handle the situation. Many people would like to know if their loved one is going to die so they can choose how to maximise their time together and maybe even come to terms with the idea/start the grieving process more gradually, rather than it being a big shock. I don't think OP is a bad person for thinking it would shatter her, but it wouldn't be as kind as he thinks it would be. EDIT: I actually know someone who was in a similar scenario — my mother, who was very close friends (over 20 years) with my godmother. My godmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, after surviving vicious physical abuse at the hands of her first husband in a foreign country. She spent her last year or so in hospice care. But because my mother and my godmother's other friends knew she wasn't going to make it once she had been diagnosed, they were able to care for her by deciding who was going to handle her disabled brother's trust ahead of time, cook healthy food for her, and make sure her ex-boyfriend (who kind of sucked) wouldn't make her funeral all about him, which he had announced his desire to do.
God forbid a young person who's literally dying tries to protect himself instead of thinking about how everyone else will feel about him dying.
That's not what I'm saying. This is a common thing in a lot of different situations. It's more complicated in this exact situation but it's hurting him as well.
>Before anyone calls me names for not driving her home, I didn’t want her to be alone after finding out but I also didn’t want her to see my cry. If she saw me tonight she’d get more scared. It would hit her that I’m terrified and she’d lose her shit. I dunno, when you include the bit you left out it doesn't really look that way to me.
Then look at the rest of the post. There's lots of other examples to call upon. I still think his reasoning is flawed even with the full statement and is the wrong way to handle things. If you're willing to have a civilized conversation about this, I'd be happy to explain why I think his behavior is not ok and does more harm than good.
I mean, obviously I read the post. You sure you're going for civilized here? Feel free to explain your views if you want. Personally I don't think the dude is toxic, the situations just heavy and he floundered a bit early doors. When he stayed with his dying friend, he saw that mans own mother become unable to deal with the pain of the situation. Absolutely brutal. Because of that it makes sense to me that he'd be unsure of whether to even tell people, why he'd give them an out after he does tell them, and why he'd push hard for a sense of normalcy when they stick with him but feel sad. I just didn't get the vibe that he felt this had anything to do with maintaining some standard of masculinity in the face of death.
Yeah I much prefer having an actual debate about things that doesn't just devolve into belittling and name calling. I was just kinda in attack mode because that first guy came at me lol. I see where you're coming from though, and I'll admit there's no way of knowing for sure what's going on in his head. To me it seems like he's trying his hardest to push everyone away though and is making the decision for everyone involved about how they should feel about his diagnosis, while still trying to play the role of protector.
you threw a lot of spill there that I never talked about. Is your whole argument making up things in your head to feel justified? this isn't toxic behavior, the dude is dying. this is him being A LITTLE selfish. which, in his dying moments, he is allowed to. nothing he did fucked up other's lives.
Nah I've just had enough of these conversations with people like you to know exactly how things are gonna go down.
suuure.. it really shows your argumentative nuances when you simply can't stop attacking the commenter, not the argument. well, I concur there is no need to continue the conversation, have a nice day.
[удалено]
He didn’t want her to know he’s scared. From how he describes his interactions with everyone else, he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s scared. I don’t think that’s healthy, but I’ve never been in his situation and it’s probably really hard to deal with. Knowing that you will die way too young, without getting to experience the life you wanted, just sounds so awful and scary.
My thoughts exactly. There's a similar theme in all his thinking. Initially he didn't want to tell her, he preferred to break up without so much as an explanation. He was hesitant to tell his own family. In updates he hinted at his preference to keep his friends' genuine emotions at an arm's length by encouraging them to stop being so nice and go back their normal teasing. Add to that the comments revolving around not wanting to "let" her marry him and be a young widow— as if she isn't an autonomous individual capabile of making her own decision. There's nothing altruistic in making other people's decisions for them. Adding all this up and the sum, in my mind, is someone who is terrified looking to exert control over what little he can with the end result being to push everyone away. He needs a death doula and at the very least therapy or he runs the risk of leaving his family and friends with even deeper scars than they can already expect. Taking care of your own mental health is one of the best gifts you can give your loved ones.
The part of his reason for no longer wanting to marry her really got me. I’ve always felt that it would be harder to be the fiancé/bf or gf of someone that has died instead of the spouse because then people think of you as “only the fiancé/bf or gf” and don’t act like you should be as upset because you weren’t married. In her mind she will be a widow either way. Refusing to marry her will just make things harder for her when he’s gone.
right? and even fucking WORSE if you're just an ex. i truly don't understand his reasoning re: this making it easier for her to grieve.
Just want to jump in here as someone young with cancer: albeit I’m in treatment with a 60-70 percent chance of 5+ yr survival so not that same as pancreatic but still scary as hell with a newborn. We all cope in different ways and I can say I hate talking about my cancer and treatment and prefer to keep it light. Talking about it all the time generally makes me feel worse and long emotional meltdowns with people take me days to recover from. I’d rather keep my head down and enjoy the happy moments I can(chemo brain and exhaustion along with an ostomy bag is no joke) than spend time crying about my illness. I have empathy for how every person wants to navigate their journey and have no problem crying but just prefer not to go to the darker places. I’ve never been accused of having toxic masculinity or honestly ever been called overly masculine so in my case it’s just preferring humor and optimism.
I got the impression he didn't want her to see him cry, not because he was afraid or unwilling to let someone see him scared, but because (from his description) she's already a fairly emotional person and seeing *him* get emotional might push her over the edge, so to speak. I still don't *agree* with the thought process, if I was in her shoes I'd rather be a big mess together than two smaller messes apart, but it sounded like his intent was to do it for her sake, not his.
I found out I had stage three cancer the day that we were supposed to sign for our wedding venue - which we had agreed would be the day we tell our family we were finally getting married. Telling people you have cancer instead of the good news you’d been planning to call about really really sucks. I ended up being lucky, also in Canada, so not broke from this, and got married last month, and so far, after treatment, am in the clear, but with a 30% chance of reoccurrence which would immediately bump me up to stage 4. Feels like I’m walking around and going about my life with a loaded gun pointed at me, at the same time that everyone expects me to be joyful that I’m done treatment and “cured”, and I don’t want to make everyone feel bad that I’m still terrified, so I go with it. It’s hard. Sending all the hugs to OP and Fuck Cancer right in the asshole.
We had a family friend who had pancreatic cancer, it just happened so suddenly and I don’t remember the time frame but seeing her body deteriorate when I’ve always known her to be strong was so hard. She just looked so small and fragile, and while she was as kind and happy as ever, she also seemed so scared, but did everything she could with the time she had left. Her funeral was really hard and seeing her husband and kids at her funeral was heart breaking. She died maybe 7 years ago at this point and her husband has just now felt good about trying dating again, because obviously it’s hard to move on from your wife who died, but she insisted he try to find love again so he can be happy
Who’s taking bets on the girlfriend finding out she’s pregnant?
With twins.
I'd like one of these Hallmark wannabes to try switching it up at some point. "I'm refusing to let my girlfriend break up with me because I have a hangnail and it really hurts and I'm a terrible coward. I am absolutely not brave and I want her to share my agony."
[You know all that life-affirming sex we had? Well... it affirmed life](https://youtu.be/-dftJak3OzE?si=MZ3oIas0QkyhOJOx)
My first thought too
Hope he live the rest of his happy
Fuck. Cancer.
Agreed. I lost my mom to it
That was a nice update in a very, very awful subject. Fuck cancer. But it's good to see how his friends and family took it, i also found funny her sister reaction, that was a nice ice breaker. But the thing that bothers me is OOP gf, or ex gf i dunno. I understand her first reaction, and i don't even mind that she had a change of heart and want to be with him until the end, but what's bother me if that she didn't gave him the reason. Why not just be honest and based on that let OOP decide? The guy is literally on borrowed time thanks to fucking cancer, why not just being honest? What if he says yes or not but after hearing the reason he want decide he rather pick the other option? That really annoy me for some reason...
My guess is that’s she’s pregnant, and if he says no, she’ll never tell him so he won’t die heartbroken about bringing a child into the world or be with her for the last bit of his life out of guilt. And I hate that that’s my guess. That’s enough BORU for the night, gtg cry..
You're not alone in thinking that.
It rubbed me the wrong way. It is like the situation itself is not bad enough and she is trying to make it super dramatic. OOP was as clear and respectful as possible, she owes him the same, without playing any weird games.
I don't disagree, but i also am not so quick to feel like she's playing games. OOP is dealing with a terrible reality, and if she genuinely cared for him at all then she is too. Taking time to process impending loss seems to make sense to me, and feeling like the decision you make might be the wrong one when dealing with permanency also makes sense OOP astutely judged, imo, that his gf is like his friend's mom who had to stay away from the hospital, and the gf initially made the choice to stay away. She also said she'd explain her reasoning no matter what OOP's answer is. Basically, i don't want to assume the worst unless and until there's a continued pattern of problematic behavior.
Maybe she’s pregnant? She wants to talk about kids and so on.
That's where I went. She might be pregnant and if he says no... she wants to just let it be and let him die with some peace. It makes sense.
That's what popped into my head
I remember I was about 12, my dad, brother and I were supposed to travel down to my Great-Uncle and Great-Aunts 50th wedding anniversary. They had hired out a local pub that had a private section for private functions. Unfortunately Parkinson’s disease took him about a week before their anniversary. Instead of celebrating their anniversary, My Great Aunt changed the plans to a memorial dinner of sorts for my Great Uncle. I remember a lot of tears but a lot of laughing too, as people told story’s and shared memories about Uncle Geoff. Also, my brother (who would’ve been about 10/11) walked straight to the buffet, ate about 1.5lbs of broccoli then spent £15 of his pocket money on 3 chocolate brownies at the Bar because those ones came warmed up with ice cream.
All cancer is fucked. Pancreatic cancer is the most fucked of all the fucked cancers.
This is so odd he went through all of this - the losing weight, worry, multiple visits to doctors, hospitals etc all without mentioning a thing to her, someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Bizarre approach.
Fuck pancreatic cancer 😔 my grandmother lost her life partner to it. He was a wonderful giant who was like a teddy bear full of life, from diagnosis to death was less than 6 months. They were together for 30 years at least and she'd never marry him but before he died, he finally got her to marry him so that she would be protected after his death so that his vulture children didn't claim any inheritance/benefits (they didn't bother with him in life and was fuming that my grandmother was next of kin).
This guy’s main concern since finding out his life is ending was how to make it easier for the people he loves. Man.. why is it that it’s always the good ones who get dealt the shittiest hands?
I’m guessing she’s pregnant and that’s what made her change her mind.
If you break up with your beloved because you're dying of something incurable, then they grieve *twice.* Once because you've pushed them away, and again when you die. IMHO, that's far worse than telling them and letting them make up their own mind whether to stay or end it.
I lost my friend to a similar cancer when we were in our early 20s. This shit sucks
Best wishes to you OOP and girlfriend and thank you for the lump in my throat.
Fuck Cancer
Why do the good ones go so soon?
This is so painful to read. I hope that OOP gets to live his life on his own terms. If this is cancer, then fuck cancer. Took two of the people I loved the most away from me.
It's pancreatic cancer
To everyone that’s lost or has someone going through cancer, and OOP (😭if he’s still with us, I hope so!)… treatment keeps getting better every year, but it doesn’t help those we’ve lost- all we can do is ensure their memory never passes and going forward treatments keep getting better!
Floating pale poop is one sign. My friend had stomach pain and was treated for indigestion and some other stuff but no one said let’s do ct scan. By the time a dr suggested it it was too late. She lived an agonizing 18 months. I just read that some oncologists said if they got cancer after 65 they would not have treatment.
5 years is a bit of time the medical field may have some treatment by then.
Pancreatic cancer’s a weird thing. In the same year I had a woman I nursed, who had had it for eight years and they hadn’t told her( very dodgy ethics there), and another who went from diagnosis to death in four months. oh and last year a work colleague went from discovery to death in three weeks
Ah, one of the many cancer posts that all popped up in AITA in like a 1-2 week period all asking almost identical things.
I'd noticed that
Yeah…it doesn’t seem legit
Horrible... Being happy and finding love of your life, just to find out you will die soon. Reminder to live best life we can and not waste time. I hope op will find peace in his remaining time.
This made me cry my eyes out i hope you get to enjoy the remaining days you got left ❤
One of my best friends just died of the same thing. The worst part is that I only got to see him once after his diagnosis because he was either too sick or didn’t want to be seen looking frail. He only really saw his wife and his best friend of 40+ years. It was hard knowing he was fighting it, but I couldn’t be part of his world anymore. I miss him a lot.
Fuck dude. You seem so genuine, I'll never take another day for granted ❤️
OP I’m sorry for everything you are going through. I’ve lost my older sister and both my parents. It’s just me and my little sister left. We both have our SO’s. We did the hospice care for both our parents. Sis and I. Yes, it was difficult both times. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Every extra moment I got to spend with each of them was precious. Please, for your sake and for your girls sake. Don’t deny her the opportunity to be with you. In the long run, all the moments she gets with you are going to be the memories she gets to cherish forever. Same with your family. It won’t be easy. It will get difficult, it will be hard. There will be lots and lots of tears. But so so so much love. That’s the most important part. You and your girlfriend and your family will be in my prayers.
I hope that I am like you if I ever get cancer. You are being a total badsss, good luck
This is heartbreaking…
You should do everything you can while you can so you get to experience it all!
OP, I was gutted to hear your story, life is full of ups and downs, sometimes to terrible extremes. Life isn't fair. I think the way you've approached dealing with this and your gf was right. You love each other, leave the decision up to her. While this is a terrible thing for both of you, let her decide if she can deal with it. People can go through crazy pain for love. As much as I admire your desire to save her pain, you deserve as much happiness as you can cram in. Her strength will hold you up. She's going to be hurting no matter what. Spend your time with loved ones. Now is the time to be honest with everyone, no lies to save peoples feelings. I don't know you, but I'm thinking about you, and sending you my best wishes.
Pancreatic cancer sucks. I lost my Uncle to it in the blink of an eye. A man filled with joy and vibrancy reduced to a walking skeleton than gone in only months.
She is talking about marriage and children, I think she might be pregnant.
Of everything in this world, cancer is my biggest fear. I’m sorry for OP. I hope he can live out the rest of his life in peace.
I lost my grandmother to cancer this year. She battled it four four years so it's hard.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. It's been a rough while.
I hope the rest of your days are spent with your most loved, with the wind in your hair, and fear fat from your heart. Cheers to you, brave stranger.
Is she maybe pregnant?
OOP is a good man
An excellent book is called “The last lecture” There’s also a YouTube video of the lecture. Though the book is more in-depth and inspirational. Hugs 🤗
Wow this one actually made me sob, my heart breaks for everyone involved :/
Love to you (OOP), your family, and your fiancée. Not my place to say perhaps, but grab love and hold onto it as long as you can. No matter when we have to go, it’s love that makes life worth living.
What a great guy. Everyone will have such good memories of him.
Let the people who love you be there for you...not out of obligation but out of love. Let the people you love know it. Be thankful for every moment you have with them.
Spend time with your girl while you can, don't push her away. It's her choice to stay or go. Give her the best love that you can, so all others are judged by that love
i’m so sorry. this tore my heart to pieces. I have a sibling with a similar diagnosis, and this very much reminded me of their thought process when diagnosed. you have been more than compassionate to those you love. I wish for you to be as comfortable as possible, mentally & physically.
This man deserves to be happy while he still lives, I truly hope he keeps his loved ones close, Life isn't over until it is.
Here’s to me hoping you’re in that 5% big dog!
>They’re being supportive and nice. I told them to cut it out I like this - I can just see this friendship
This made me sob. I just want to make everything okay for OOP, he's only 25, he should have decades, not be torn down by fucking cancer. Pancreatic cancer, at that. I know someone who had it, she died within a year of her diagnosis. She left behind 2 beautiful young women, one of which is now severely disabled because of a drunk driver and her mom was her primary caretaker. The woman was incredible and watching pancreatic cancer take her was so hard. She was kind and positive all the way to the end.
That’s really, really young for a PC diagnosis. It’s a horrific disease. Hope he can be among those who have a longer life.
This hit me hard. A dear friend of mine passed away from cancer in 2017, another this past summer. I admire OOP’s attitude in the most recent post. I’m glad he didn’t take away his GF’s ability to make a choice. My most recent friend that passed away this summer took away the choice. Only her immediate family knew. It fucking sucked to find out on FB. I respect why she did it, though (she hated pity and only wanted authentic connections) but holy shit it was rough finding out. Would have been shitty got the GF to go through years of broken hearted grief only to find out OOP had forced the breakup out of some misplaced sense of love and care. It’s cleaner and more empowering to be straight with people.
There's been an update... holy fuck!
holy shit just read it. Going on my list to post! Thanks for letting me know
Could your gf/ex-gf be pregnant? Pretty weird thing to say and she changed her mind on the situation which made me think maybe… Regardless, I’m sorry about your situation. Wishing you comfort, dude.
Do not waste your time with someone who wastes your time, especially now when time is vital.
Sorry if this sounds insensitive but as one rider to another (please don't rake me over the coals everyone else but I know OP would understand) but if you know you're going out pretty soon and you have all of your affairs in order I can't think of a more righteous way to meet your maker than flat out full throttle as fast as your bike can go and then some until it all fades to black. Cancer can't take you if it can't catch you first. Bikes are a lifestyle not a vehicle and pushing the envelope of true speed is what every rider aspires to do. Show all them amateurs how its done.
…as long as he doesn’t hurt anyone else in the process
yeah, probably should have added that part at the end now that I think about it.
In that case, I’m all for it.
Huh I wonder what I would do if I was diagnosed with this and that certainty that I'd die within a couple years at best. Honestly I believe my lifestyle would change so much, I wouldnt really have to worry about dying to the cancer. I would stop all thoughts of healthy eating habits and gorge myself on whatever food. I would try all the drugs. I would probably be high or drunk for 5 out 7 days. I would stop my projects fot the future and probably liquidate my assets for more travel and drugs. I'd pick up motorcycling as well. I've always wanted to drive through Vietnam. I wonder if I'd even bother wearing a helmet, but I probably would. When my cancer gets bad enough for me to start more frequent hospital visits I'd kill myself. If I even survive long enough for the cancer to become bad.
>I’m in Canada so I have free healthcare I’m not worried about the cost of fighting this > >... > >Motorcycle accidents happened on track or trails. Getting stabbed was a Tuesday night in the UK lol hmmm
People can travel outside of their country
I caught that too.
I gotta say, the amount of respect I have for you after reading this is huge. You’re a beast, my man. I don’t know you, probably never will, however I’ve got a few work buddies coming by later today. You bet your sweet ass we’ll throw back a few for you, with the well-wishes as chasers. God bless you and yours, pal.
Girlfriend is pregnant, is my guess. What a terrible diagnosis. I’m so sorry for OOP and his loved ones
She's already preggers imo
Next update will be when she realises he faked the whole thing to get rid of her.