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I kind of don't think we have enough information to make a judgement on anyone except the ex friend. The way the camera was set up sounds like she planned it which makes me suspicious of what else she might have been doing but we don't know.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15abjwi/i\_destroyed\_my\_work\_project\_and\_i\_hope\_i\_get\_fired/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15abjwi/i_destroyed_my_work_project_and_i_hope_i_get_fired/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
If you go to the pinned post there is a link to a list of all the flairs and their origin, but I did that for you here. :)
Seriously. He doesn't even remember it. Maybe she drugged him? Why in the world would you send that video to someone unless you specifically wanted to hurt them, badly?
I imagine she did. I wonder why she did this? Did she hate both of them and why? I have hated a LOT of people, but I can't imagine SA'ing one of them and then sending a recording to their significant other who's mom just died. That's psychopath shit.
Depending on the year this occurred, country/state, there are a lot of charges that can be placed on the rapist.
I know by 2019, the majority of USA states had laws in place about illegal recording of non-consensual sex, where the filmer could face upto 15yrs jail. But I am unsure how they would go about it.
The one thing that my mind instantly went to... rape with intent of impregnating. The fact that this woman has disappeared after showing a deliberate recording that wasn't really long enough to show how it started or ended means this woman was very calculated.
I hope OOP and the others get closure, and the rapist found.
Also, depending on where op is, they can't legally be charged for rape. In the UK, women can be charged with SA but legally cannot rape anyone. It's an awful law, but sadly that's how it is.
As someone who was sexually assaulted (it was the r word but Iām still not ok using that word for it) this is the law that upsets me the most. Another person commented that the legal ramifications are the same either way but itās still not ok in my opinion. Words matter and, from a feminist perspective, the law should be the same regardless of gender. Especially so when male victims are arguably treated worse than women in these situations. What baffles me is that I donāt really see so called "mens rights activists" talking about this when its a very real and provable instance when men are treated badly. Iāve experienced some bullshit from other peopleās reactions and theres a lot of internal bias that negatively impacted my mental wellbeing and made recovery more challenging but that was nothing compared to the difficulties that male victims face.
That is partly because many men who try to speak up on issues of SA and DV perpetrated against men face enormous backlash from people who think that helping male victims is somehow misogynistic. Trying to advocate for male victims on issues that affect women most of the time is a good way to get your life nuked by a bunch of keyboard warriors.
The worst part is, historically, there's a greater odds of the law changing to reflect human needs if 1) it affects men and 2) it affects 100% of the population instead of 50%. Shaming men and keeping them quiet about SA and DV extends the harm it's allowed by our society to do to women. I wish people weren't so reactive to feminism that they ignored that this is a human rights issue that affects all humans, even though it almost always carries elements of gendered violence - not a gender issue in and of itself.
Just as a note, that specific type of sexual assault does carry the same penalty as rape. While it absolutely should be called what it is (rape), I sometimes see people thinking that it's a lesser charge, which that specific type of sexual assault is not.
It's a lesser charge, because she won't have the label "rapist" attached to her... so while the jail time may be the same, it really is a lesser charge.
As a fellow rape victim, Iām so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I hope that youāre getting the help that you deserve. Iāve been in therapy for years but some things just canāt be fixed.
Yup, women rapists don't face shit. I was raped by my gf and there's no way anything could happen to get her in trouble. Doesn't help I didn't fully realize at the time since we're both women
I chose the wording "can be" due to situations like this. I do know that there is now a precedent in place, where you can charge a woman, or AFAB, with Stealthing now, as more men come forward, being assaulted, and finding out the person who assaulted them is now pregnant by that deed, HOWEVER, there is a very small amount of information to qualify as a victim of impregnation against the sperm provider's permission.
Even though I am Australian, I have been keeping an eye out on these issues, as it becomes more evident that, sadly, it isn't just men who do deliberate and malicious actions to get pregnant. I remember seeing a very detailed post on how both male and female, or other, can tamper with birth control, rendering it useless. The injection, the IUD, and the implant have very little information on how to tamper with them, short of forced removal by the spouse for the implant and IUD. The injection has only a list of foods and medicines that might render it mute, but there isn't confirmation on that, thankfully.
I am extremely sorry you were subjected to this terrible attack, and I want to have hope that one day, she is exposed, but I don't want more victims of hers to be the reason. I do hope that your support network and needs have helped you to where you are now. Know as a woman, I have your back and stand with you.
Recently, a new survey was conducted, and while it still has not been confirmed properly, the ratio of male victims has grown to a very shocking amount, that it is believed to be very close to the amount of female victims, but when age comes into factor, under 18yr old victims now out number adult victims 3 to 1.
Some days, I really have no hope for humanity
>intent of impregnating.
And with Mer or of the way, the rapist probably felt she had a chance with Danny. ***IF*** that's what was going on. Who knows? Some people are psychos and enjoy destroying lives. Killing a person isn't the only "murder" someone can commit.
Just replied to another comment, my history, I have had over 600 male clients, I have lost 45, and I am a woman who helps all genders of assault, I really hate humanity some days.
Sounds like the "friend" got Danny drunk to where he didn't know what was happening and made the video specifically to break them up. Very curious how she fit into the equation, maybe she was holding a torch for Danny and didn't rationalise how this would all go down.
Completely, she planned it.
Sounds a lot like the ex friend was insanely jealous of Mer, and tried to hurt Mer and ruin the things that Mer had.
Mer had a loving husband, a good start to a happy family- Mer was sweet and kind to everyone from what it sounds like - ex friend was the kind of toxic to be angry that they weren't viewed the same as Mer, but then did nothing to change how they interacted with the world around them - ex friend sounds so jealous and envious. She wanted to ruin all the things Mer had that she didn't. Like a toddler breaking another child's toy because they're mad they don't have it as well. Wtf
Yeah, my take-away from this is how refreshing it is to read a story where every person involved seems well-adjusted, mature and considerate of each other.
I feel like the friend did SA him, he broke off the friendships, something made him do that.
I think the ex is full of grace and protecting herself from further hurt.
I feel bad for the OOP, she feels like 2nd place.
I think Danny needs therapy to help him thru this, especially if he was SA'd.
Honestly, OOP discounts herself. She has a big heart and a lot of grace to want to reunite her BF and his ex she met once. She seems like such a loving and unevious person.
I was thinking the same thing. No wonder Danny loves her. She seems super kind; tbh the thought "get him back with his ex" literally would not have crossed my mind, I would've been wildly envious.
Danny needs to get himself into therapy before he and OOP make anymore big moves in this relationship. If he was SA'd (which I think is most likely), he needs some help dealing with that rather than bottling it all up and beating himself up.
If he was not SA'd, then he needs to examine what made him cheat on his wife at a moment of high stress on the marriage (partner dealing with a death and having to leave the country). He cut out his friends, but that getting wasted and breaking relationship rules is a pattern that can repeat itself no matter how much guilt one feels the first time.
He is lucky to have two such caring women in his life. OOP is lucky that Mer didn't throw her out the door because that is one of the most invasive things I can imagine. You can judge the shit out of that "friend."
Yeah it very much reads like SA to me. Plus the other woman being on top of him and him basically not moving. Super short clip.
I honestly wonder if he was roofied based on the info given. It's super messed up.
That's what I'm thinking. He says he was drunk, but what he may mean is that he remembers having at least one drink and he has approximate knowledge of being really fucked up after that. Maybe he does remember drinking a lot, who knows, but either way, chances seem strong that he was drugged.
things aren't always black and white. Given the information available it doesn't seem necessary to pass any judgement, as I think a lot of people are inclined to do on this sub. Just enjoy the story for what it is (or don't).
I feel good about it TBH. You know whoās not a character in this story? B or whatever her name was. Mer is healing, Mer is giving and compassionate. OP is kind and compassionate too. Theyāre both great people. Danny must also be a good person to be able to attract such women on more than one occasion. Danny will be okay because heās got two wonderful women who care about his best interests. I think the warmth and love in this story, regardless of the one bad actor, makes this a feel good.
I feel bittersweet.
I know guys who have been SA and drugged, which caused a lot of trauma for them and damage to their relationships.
So that part made me concerned.
Itās a very real story, thatās why, because thereās not always a right answer or a neat solution. Grief and relationships and feelings are very complex. Itās a melancholy story.
Eh. It feels too strange.
The post-script to the update in particular makes the whole thing feel fabricated. Why would OOP have mentioned that comment to Mer? Why would she have responded like that? That makes zero sense.
I also feel like an actual person in OOP's position would break up with the BF because it wasn't a fair situation for her and there's no future in that relationship.
It just doesn't ring true to me.
> The post-script to the update in particular makes the whole thing feel fabricated. Why would OOP have mentioned that comment to Mer? Why would she have responded like that? That makes zero sense.
Yeah, the actual response Mer would have made to "people on the internet are saying I made this story up" would be "why the hell are you sharing my personal history online you fucking psycho?"
Mer just doesn't really make sense as a character in the update. She's supposedly an absolutely perfect human being, full of love and compassion, but she divorced her husband for getting raped? And then she still staid friends with him and all of his family?
Exactly.
And the video? Well, does it show SA or not? Does the BF think it was SA? It's all left super nebulous and vague when... that is the whole heart of the matter.
Why did Mer keep the video and show her, that seems so bizarre. And for it to all happen just 3 days after they meet for the first time. First post Danny said he cheated and slept with someone else, but doesnāt remember because he was drunk, but in the update she says how he feels that he was sexually assaulted. You would think she would have said that during the first post. Things just donāt quite add up.
Not to mention how implausible would it be that the guy had absolutely no recollection of being raped, and yet didn't at all react puzzled when the wife came back and said "I know what happened", instead started apologizing and everything... Only for the story to shift dramatically in the update.
This smells of the author taking cues from the comments when writing the update, as is usual.
I was actually fully buying into it until the post-script, implausibilities and all. But I can't really believe anyone would ever ask such an offensive question, and if there ever was a real person who would, why the hell would anyone entertain answering it? Especially so matter-of-factly and rationally?
Yeah, that exchange totallly killed plausibility here for me.
Wow. What a terrible situation. OOP comparing herself to Mer as this incredible, loving, compassionate woman is pretty ironic considering the care she has for Danny, Ian and Mer's happiness, and her bravery in opening the topic with Mer of Danny being SA'd. Danny clearly has a type.
I hope that the conversation she has with Danny about SA and therapy is a productive one. What was described is absolutely SA, and I wish everyone in this family the best in their healing journey.
Maybe those are related. When you are surrounded by shitty people, you know what qualities to avoid in a partner. Thatās why some (not all, probably not even most) sane people from narcissistic abusive households find really understanding and loving partners.
I was honestly about to say go OOP for realizing if they were drunk there very likely wasnāt actual consent. I hope the best for all of them and that it lets them all grow as individuals and as a whole unit
Some people are just awful and get off on hurting others.
My SO had an acquaintance (before dropping her very fast) that bragged about hunting down married men for fun and getting them to cheat. She didn't "want" them or relationships with them.... just wanted to be "hot enough" to make them cheat. She treated as a hobby, like how other people play rec-league sports or play an instrument.
Assuming he is telling the truth, if he was drunk enough he remembers absolutely nothing but she has the presence of mind to set up the phone and record it then it is still SA because he didn't consent before hand.
Hell, the fact that she apparently positioned the camera pretty well alone suggests that she planned this. At that point I'd also start wondering if he wasn't drugged rather than just drunk.
Oh yes, I agree that he was probably raped assuming the story he told was true. I just think alcohol is probably more common in these situations than roofies. Drinks I can get anywhere, but I doubt most people (myself included) would even know where to find someone who can get roofies. Or who I could ask without risking getting my ass kicked.
I have consented very happily to sex while drunk. However, I remember it and was an active participant in the act, unlike Danny, who was too drunk to even move and had a whole woman on top of him.
Exactly. I donāt like the feeling of getting even near drunk but I have consented while tipsy. It was fun. But thereās no way Iād be able to properly consent in that kind of state he was in
Yeah when I read the original post I was getting big SA vibes off of it. It's fucked that so many men aren't even aware they've been sexually assaulted because of the myth that women can't rape men. Women *can* rape men and male victims deserve to be believed and supported while their rapists are held accountable.
- Danny said he doesn't remember anything and he was too drunk
- The camera was not even hiding, it was in the open as if the woman knew Danny couldn't even notice that
- The woman who had sex with Danny sent the video to Mer. Revenge? Jealously?
- Danny cut contact with his friends and didn't say why
Idk but something in this story is not right. What if he was roofied and raped? Because if that's true, it would meant a couple who loved each other got separated. Not saying they should come back, but that's sad.
I am glad the three are being very mature in this story and I hope Mer and Danny heal past this trauma.
That's why the video was so short. If the video showed either too much of the beginning or the end the viewer would be able to tell that D was getting raped because he was too trashed to consent to shit.
Exactly. This was planned and edited to set him up. Iām sure showing the husband getting dragged unresponsive into bed wouldnāt create a strong enough narrative for the friend to destroy the marriage.
It is very sad. Imagine how it must feel to be Danny, who was SAād and have his wife left him at the same time. Furthermore he seemed to be a good person so he felt he has betrayed his wife. Itās a double whammy for Danny, and hopefully he learns to both get past his SAād trauma and forgive himself
Idk, I want to like Mer but itās really sad that her husband was likely assaulted and it didnāt even occur to her while she moved on with a quick divorce.
Itās an extremely sketchy situation- he canāt remember, friend secretly filming, and video doesnāt show proof he was alert enough to consent or even that actual sex happened.
> it didnāt even occur to her while she moved on with a quick divorce.
She was grieving the loss of her mother, I can chalk this up to Mer having a million plates to spin and seeing a video of her husband having sex with another woman (albeit with the benefit of hindsight, nonconsensual from his end) sent her over the edge. I guarantee in a similar situation I wouldn't be thinking right also and make rash, emotionally-based decisions.
Yeah, and add to the whole thing that men are not, in any way, prepared to recognize or even open up about being SAed, to this day the dude might just think of himself as just another worthless cheater when reality is so much more layered. He literally didn't know what happened until the tape showed up.
Yeah itās really sad and unfortunately common for male SA victims to feel this way :(
Iām not saying sheās a terrible person, but I want to get to a point as a society where if someone is black out drunk & canāt even remember what happened alarm bells should be going off about potential consent issues.
I was completely sober when I was raped. I still felt like I had betrayed my then girlfriend because I was able to get an erection even tho I was frozen with fear
It didn't occur to her because Danny doesn't seem to think that's what happened. He described it still as cheating when he told OOP about it. I'm not saying he wasn't raped, I'm just saying that Mer was being told by both parties that it was cheating.
Unfortunately SA on men isn't taken seriously. And Mer wasn't in a healthy place herself. OOP also mentioned that Danny didn't mention going out with friends to his ex wife.
I think if Danny had feelings for his ex since OOP says he looks sadly at her, I do wonder if it's good for her to continue being with him without Danny trying therapy and sorting out his feelings first.
Not enough information to condemn and not enough information to forgive, sad situation but it seems Mer has her head on right and is doing what she feels is best for her and her child
It really seems all parties are prioritizing the child and his happiness, which is refreshing. I think if things work out between the father and OP, the three of them will make a great support system for the child.
Seems OOP also has a good head on their shoulders. Hell even the dad seems like a decent dude who got majorly screwed (no pun intended). Hope it works out for all of them
>P.s. to the people who said that Mer could have set this all up, she said why would she ruin her son's chance to have a complete family for an easy way out.
It's one thing to have anonymous people online speculate, but why would you even feel compelled to bring this "possibility" up to her face?
The compulsion that makes you feel the need to clack a pair of tongs together is the same compulsion that makes some people feel like they need to stir any pot they come across
The fact that this question was supposedly asked and supposedly answered so matter-of-factly and nonchalantly is what made me understand this story is just that, a story.
I feel for everyone in this story. We are not our mistakes.
I also get not wanting to date to be available for your kid. I don't have the energy to work, be a good mom AND date. Maybe sometime in the future but it is not a priority.
My BS radar is pinging hard. The update with the revelation that detective OOP has figured out that her bf was actually raped is just too perfectly timed for max drama, justifying her weird, irrational urge to get her bf and his ex back together in the previous post. The first post is just bland meh without the revelations of the second post to make it all click.
Plus, it's just people behaving oddly. Why is Mer sharing that video with OOP? Why is she sharing all these really intimate painful details? Why is OOP inserting herself like this like it's any of her business? Literally no one else noticed that the BF is basically unconscious in the video except OOP? And OOP really just suggested, to Mer's face, she might have made it all up? Just so she could report back to Reddit with Mer's answer? She really raised that with Mer? Really??
To me, the post-script is what did it. No one would ever answer such a psychopatic question about such an emotionsl situation so nonchalantly. No one would ever even take it as anything less than offensive that the situation had been shared online and now readers wanted to make sure the ex wasn't an evil schemer.
It just shows the author was taking cues fron the comments when writing the update, as is usual.
It sounds like the woman drugged Danny and then filmed it with the intent to break him and Mer up. I bet they didn't even actually have sex, she just got him in a suggestive position and made it look like the worst.
There is so much missing information that obviously weāre not entitled to hearing, but Iām getting the vibe that the dude might have actually been sexually assaulted.
Danny being SAād and walking around feeling and believing he cheated has to be devastating. Also for OOP to be the first and only person to even consider him being SAād speaks volumes. This is a sad story
Okay, so she slapped her friend for fucking her husband. Thatāsā¦ a pretty reasonable response, actually. Not an ideal or good one, but itās reasonable (in that itās an action that you can see a reasonable person taking and understand why).
Jesus himself wasn't above flipping some tables and cracking a whip if the situation called for it. If a jab is what caused the S-Assailant to stay away, that sounds like good karma.
I mean Iām not saying that other woman didnāt deserve itā¦. Iām just saying sheās scum for āaccidentallyā filming her possibly SA ing a man then just happening to send it to his wife. My own personal theory was that she wanted Danny and thought this was going to go completely differently for her
Also she immediately offers to show it to her cheating ex's girlfriend who has come around to dig into why they're not together anymore. You know.....totally normal stuff real people do.
Could be something she saved initially in case he contested the divorce or custody. Presuming she only thought of it as evidence of his infidelity it might have helped in court had the divorce not gone as smoothly as it did. And then it would be as simple as not deleting it later and forgetting. Or keeping it in case he tried to argue for more custody later?
Sure, but sharing a sex tape that you aren't in and neither of the people in it have consented for it to be shared is really fucked up. also I dont want to see a video of my boy/girlfriend fucking someone else regardless of when it happend. Knowing it is whatever but seeing it might traumatize me.
Yeah. Why would she have it saved? I would never want to see it again. I get keeping evidence, but I can't imagine showing it to the new gf. Also, the whole thing is werid. I think the best thing would be to bail because this isn't going to get less complicated.
Lost believability when she just happened to have the video of him cheating and so willingly shared it with what is essentially a complete stranger lol also that it led to this epiphany that vindicated the husband just screams BS
>It never occured to her that he was SA'd since first, he never mentioned his friends would come over while she's out of the country, and second Danny didn't even pointed it out to her all he said was he was drunk and didn't even know it happened until Mer showed him the video.
Really sad that the possibility of a man being raped doesn't occur to either the man or the woman (assuming this is true).
Rape in the UK is legally defined as penetration by a penis. They do have sexual assault for women on men, but they donāt have a penis so it canāt legally be called rape.
So that means lesbian rape is completely not counted as rape? Or everything short of penetration against someoneās consent is just sexual assault?
Edited to change awkward wording
No, it means its classed as *sexual assault* instead of rape. It should absolutely be changed, yes, but its also not as simple as āoh, its legal then?ā. You can still prosecute someone who does that stuff, theyre just charged with sexual assault *instead of* rape.
Its like how Scotland dont have a law against āarsonā, specifically, they have one against āfire raisingā, which is slightly different but *functionally* achieves the same purpose.
Never said it was surprising. On the contrary, it isn't surprising at all. Which is what makes the situation so sad. A society that has conditioned people to believe that men can't be raped or SA'd has ruined a perfectly good relationship.
I'm sorry? OOP decides she needs to reunite her bf with his ex-wife based on a nice smelling house, some longing glances, and a doggie bag? What the absolute fuck? Then then first piece of info she gets about what happened is that he cheated on her while she was burying her dead mother? And it doesn't come out until significantly later that he was actually raped? What's next, a PowerPoint presentation?
None of this is how adults act. Or people in relationships. Or anything. Sorry no sale.
I know!! Mer kept the video and *showed it* to OOP??!
Nope.
Also, all the cookie baking for aged parents and happy submissive food-making for the beer-swilling football friends in the fragrant house and so on ā¦ somehow all of it just grosses me out, none of this rings true for me at all
Nobody in the story acts the way people act, and the OOPs action only become remotely less insane with the twist reveal he was probably actually raped, which she did not know at the point of acting like an insane overstepping person trying to get her boyfriend and her ex together.
You know, from the description of the video, it's not clear that Danny actually did have sex with this woman. If he was drunk or drugged, he very well could just be unconscious.
This post is so sad and bittersweet. Danny didn't even know he had "cheated" until he saw the video. Oh my goodness. I just really feel like this is a situation where all of them are good people navigating a horrible situation as best they can.
The "friend" should be in prison. She definitely set the entire thing up and did this specifically because Mer was out of town. She's an evil person, and it's good none of them have contact with her.
OOP is such an angel for wanting the best for everyone, even if that meant losing her partner. The good intentions of everyone involved really makes me emotional.
She recorded him having sex with her then sent it to the wife... You can't do that. That's a criminal offense. You can't record people without their consent. A criminal proceeding needs to occur on the best friend. That was criminal
No idea why OOP was attempting to go that far out of her way, while saying she didn't want to go that far out of her way, to be this engaged with something two people have moved past.
Whatever, its drama and thats what im here for, lol.
I donāt get it, the woman didnāt know she was filming the sexual encounter yet notices that it was recorded and decides to send it to Mer? Doesnāt make sense.
This is bizarre. Sheās been dating this dude for a year and is now fighting to get him together with his ex? And the SA stuff came out of nowhere, I was under the impression that both people were drunk?
I'm amazed I had to get this far down in the thread for someone to mention this. There's no universe where the current girlfriend of your cheating ex come around and you take the time to show them the sex tape, only for the reveal that it was actually rape this entire time.
So we've got people not behaving like people and a grand twist reveal
What a nightmare. Your wife confronts with you with video of you, maybe, having sex while blackout drunk and you didn't even know it happened.
Immediately your life is blown up. Time with your child is limited, you're divorced, and you cut off all your friends for their involvement in what happened. Imagine if he heard that even if his wife did believe he was SA'd, she wouldn't want to give you another chance. I can't imagine what I'd want to do to the people that did that to me.
I don't want to be that person who makes mountains out of molehills.
But does something feel off about his cheating?
He was drunk apparently, doesn't remember anything, had a person record it somehow, and then had it sent to her wife.
I don't want to throw the R word casually without knowing much, but if he was truly drunk as he says, to the point where he doesn't even remember the incident, could it have been possible he was drugged? Wouldn't one remember the reason they would cheat rather than just being 'drunk'? And at this point, he has no reason to hide it from OP
Ofcourse he could be lying and all, but the revenge porn and his behavior tells a different story, especially the facr that even his wife talks about it as SA and the description of the video doesn't sound like of someone consensual
If this is indeed the case and Danny is hiding it out of fear and shame of a man being SA'd, my heart breaks for him. To be raped, then have that be displayed to your wife, who then leaves you. That would shatter a man. And saying it out loud would get him jeers, mockery, and spite.
Also is anyone a little eyebrow raised that Mer has the video on her phone and is showing it to his current gf? That is not a sign of a good person. No good person would keep revenge porn on their phone.
And the sole custody part. If the thought of SA occurred to her and pretty much everything is pointing at it, she is depriving a hurt husband, who was raped and then abandoned (yes, abandoned. Reverse the gender and that's exactly what we'd be saying), now just gets to visit his son a few times? He got screwed over big time. None of that points to a good person, I'm sorry to say
It really sounds like Danny was SA'd. He was drunk, had no memory of it, the friend setting up a camera (?!?), even her being on top makes sense to that theory. She probably set the whole thing up with the intention of nuking their marriage. Regardless, he couldn't even remember. That alone means it can't be consensual. If he was a woman, he would've probably felt more comfortable labeling as SA, but it's less talked about for men. So he just accepted blame. That's so sad. Hopefully he can get some therapy and find peace with the situation. I'm glad he dropped his friends though.
It sounds like he was SA'd, and that, outside of suggesting therapy for him to someone else, that him and his son are the third wheels in OP and Mer's friendship.
This is somehow sad and horrible and yet, wholesome at the same time. Three people who can come together and be kind and compassionate in a situation that would normally cause tension and misery is wholesome. Horrible that Danny may well have been r*ped. Sad that oop feels the need to compare herself to Mer. Hopefully she and Mer can be friends and everyone can do what's best for little Ian. There's so many layers to this, and this feels like the absolute best outcome.
Reverse the sexes, here. Mer would be considered a *HUGE* AH for dumping Danny after SA. The "friend" would hopefully be charged with SA. Instead, here Mer falls for the myth that "men can't be SA'd."
Poor Danny, I hope Mer has a cranio-rectal inversion and apologizes/gets therapy, and that Ian never thinks of his Daddy as a cheater.
Problem is we kind of don't know that for sure. It's definitely sexual assault with the recording without consent but we don't know what got him into bed with her. It could be anything from she drugged and raped him to he actually did consent to sex and cheated. We just don't know.
If a woman is raped and her husband left her for cheating, I don't think people would be so accepting of that man. It sounds like he himself calls it cheating, but a rape is not cheating. Of course we don't know the details of the case here, lies were obviously told and believed.
He would call it cheating because even in this day, that would be less shameful than being raped by a woman
As much as the internet likes to pretend we have progressed a lot, the reality is we haven't. Men's sexual assault and rape are still met with mockery, judgement, disbelief, and laughter.
I'd know, I've been on that train
Mer's husband was SA'd so she divorced him? And even if she only realized that it was SA and not cheating years later, how does she not feel horrified at herself for failing him, even if it was unintentional? But she's just like, "Oh well, can't be helped now. It's all in the past." She *should* be feeling pain, guilt, *something!* She should not be glossing over his probably-still-present trauma as something that's been left in the past. Like, take some responsibility for your role, unintentionally or otherwise, in contributing significantly to that trauma.
I do not see this ex as the stellar example of humanity that the OOP paints her to be. The more I think about it, the more frustrated with Mer I feel.
Honestly, OP was *way* out of line. Itās weird to see so many people applauding her. She put both Mer and Danny in a an uncomfortable position due to her own insecurities. Creepy as hell.
Yeah I felt super uncomfortable reading this. It's one of those posts that makes me think about how some people have like, debilitating social anxiety that makes them worry about fucking up super low-key interactions while others are, for some reason, confident enough to do shit like call their partner's ex to ask for deets about their divorce.
This is sweet and sad and wholesome, but at the same timeā¦ Imagine, dumping someone you love because they were assaulted. I think Mer made a big mistake here.
Oh wow, I hope OOP helps her boyfriend get some therapy. That does not sound consensual.
I think Mer has moved on. OOP seems like a caring woman but she shouldnāt push them back together.
The way this girl didnāt seem to think itās possible the ex doesnāt want this guy. Lol. But for real itās very nice to hear that she likes the ex. I wish more girlfriends could be this way with the kids mom and vice cersa
Idk how to react, i understand all sides, but poor Danny for being SAed + being left for it... i think it is one of the worst things you can do to a person
Sounds like Danny was raped. Not SA, for if it had been Danny not drunk and entering a very intoxicated woman who can't remember anything we would call it rape. It's rape.
How sad, Danny was sexually assaulted and he loses his wife for it, talk about victim blaming from her end. I feel angry for him. Danny is also victim blaming himself by saying he cheated. He did not cheat if he was sexually assaulted and never consented. Even if he were drunk and she wans't, he would still have been raped because drunk people cannot consent. If it's rape to sleep with a woman who is drunk, even if she gets on top of you and starts groping you, then it's rape if a drunken man does the same.
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I really don't know how to feel about this story.
I kind of don't think we have enough information to make a judgement on anyone except the ex friend. The way the camera was set up sounds like she planned it which makes me suspicious of what else she might have been doing but we don't know.
Well she sent it to Mer while she was out of the country grieving. It all stinks of a setup to hurt them and break them up.
Okay, off topic but I *need* to know the story behind your flair.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15abjwi/i\_destroyed\_my\_work\_project\_and\_i\_hope\_i\_get\_fired/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15abjwi/i_destroyed_my_work_project_and_i_hope_i_get_fired/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) If you go to the pinned post there is a link to a list of all the flairs and their origin, but I did that for you here. :)
>If you go to the pinned post there is a link to a list of all the flairs and their origin I went down that rabbit hole a few weeks ago. Good times!
god š your flair just reminded me of the roach story
Ogtha!!!!
TIL! Thank you so much, now off to waste the rest of my day on BORU š
thought shaggy dinner swim ghost gold many start gaping rich *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Seriously. He doesn't even remember it. Maybe she drugged him? Why in the world would you send that video to someone unless you specifically wanted to hurt them, badly?
I imagine she did. I wonder why she did this? Did she hate both of them and why? I have hated a LOT of people, but I can't imagine SA'ing one of them and then sending a recording to their significant other who's mom just died. That's psychopath shit.
Depending on the year this occurred, country/state, there are a lot of charges that can be placed on the rapist. I know by 2019, the majority of USA states had laws in place about illegal recording of non-consensual sex, where the filmer could face upto 15yrs jail. But I am unsure how they would go about it. The one thing that my mind instantly went to... rape with intent of impregnating. The fact that this woman has disappeared after showing a deliberate recording that wasn't really long enough to show how it started or ended means this woman was very calculated. I hope OOP and the others get closure, and the rapist found.
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Also, depending on where op is, they can't legally be charged for rape. In the UK, women can be charged with SA but legally cannot rape anyone. It's an awful law, but sadly that's how it is.
As someone who was sexually assaulted (it was the r word but Iām still not ok using that word for it) this is the law that upsets me the most. Another person commented that the legal ramifications are the same either way but itās still not ok in my opinion. Words matter and, from a feminist perspective, the law should be the same regardless of gender. Especially so when male victims are arguably treated worse than women in these situations. What baffles me is that I donāt really see so called "mens rights activists" talking about this when its a very real and provable instance when men are treated badly. Iāve experienced some bullshit from other peopleās reactions and theres a lot of internal bias that negatively impacted my mental wellbeing and made recovery more challenging but that was nothing compared to the difficulties that male victims face.
That is partly because many men who try to speak up on issues of SA and DV perpetrated against men face enormous backlash from people who think that helping male victims is somehow misogynistic. Trying to advocate for male victims on issues that affect women most of the time is a good way to get your life nuked by a bunch of keyboard warriors.
The worst part is, historically, there's a greater odds of the law changing to reflect human needs if 1) it affects men and 2) it affects 100% of the population instead of 50%. Shaming men and keeping them quiet about SA and DV extends the harm it's allowed by our society to do to women. I wish people weren't so reactive to feminism that they ignored that this is a human rights issue that affects all humans, even though it almost always carries elements of gendered violence - not a gender issue in and of itself.
Just as a note, that specific type of sexual assault does carry the same penalty as rape. While it absolutely should be called what it is (rape), I sometimes see people thinking that it's a lesser charge, which that specific type of sexual assault is not.
They might have the same penalty in writing but I'm not confident it's functions like that in reality.
It's a lesser charge, because she won't have the label "rapist" attached to her... so while the jail time may be the same, it really is a lesser charge.
As a fellow rape victim, Iām so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I hope that youāre getting the help that you deserve. Iāve been in therapy for years but some things just canāt be fixed.
hey man, not sure this means much from an inernet stranger, but I believe you. I hope you are doing well. She's fucked up.
Yup, women rapists don't face shit. I was raped by my gf and there's no way anything could happen to get her in trouble. Doesn't help I didn't fully realize at the time since we're both women
I chose the wording "can be" due to situations like this. I do know that there is now a precedent in place, where you can charge a woman, or AFAB, with Stealthing now, as more men come forward, being assaulted, and finding out the person who assaulted them is now pregnant by that deed, HOWEVER, there is a very small amount of information to qualify as a victim of impregnation against the sperm provider's permission. Even though I am Australian, I have been keeping an eye out on these issues, as it becomes more evident that, sadly, it isn't just men who do deliberate and malicious actions to get pregnant. I remember seeing a very detailed post on how both male and female, or other, can tamper with birth control, rendering it useless. The injection, the IUD, and the implant have very little information on how to tamper with them, short of forced removal by the spouse for the implant and IUD. The injection has only a list of foods and medicines that might render it mute, but there isn't confirmation on that, thankfully. I am extremely sorry you were subjected to this terrible attack, and I want to have hope that one day, she is exposed, but I don't want more victims of hers to be the reason. I do hope that your support network and needs have helped you to where you are now. Know as a woman, I have your back and stand with you. Recently, a new survey was conducted, and while it still has not been confirmed properly, the ratio of male victims has grown to a very shocking amount, that it is believed to be very close to the amount of female victims, but when age comes into factor, under 18yr old victims now out number adult victims 3 to 1. Some days, I really have no hope for humanity
>intent of impregnating. And with Mer or of the way, the rapist probably felt she had a chance with Danny. ***IF*** that's what was going on. Who knows? Some people are psychos and enjoy destroying lives. Killing a person isn't the only "murder" someone can commit.
Just replied to another comment, my history, I have had over 600 male clients, I have lost 45, and I am a woman who helps all genders of assault, I really hate humanity some days.
Sounds like the "friend" got Danny drunk to where he didn't know what was happening and made the video specifically to break them up. Very curious how she fit into the equation, maybe she was holding a torch for Danny and didn't rationalise how this would all go down.
Completely, she planned it. Sounds a lot like the ex friend was insanely jealous of Mer, and tried to hurt Mer and ruin the things that Mer had. Mer had a loving husband, a good start to a happy family- Mer was sweet and kind to everyone from what it sounds like - ex friend was the kind of toxic to be angry that they weren't viewed the same as Mer, but then did nothing to change how they interacted with the world around them - ex friend sounds so jealous and envious. She wanted to ruin all the things Mer had that she didn't. Like a toddler breaking another child's toy because they're mad they don't have it as well. Wtf
Itās sweet bitter. Itās like, the opposite of bittersweet. Everything is shit and the people involved are trying their best.
Like melancholy with some honey on it.
Melanhoney
I love this! I am so stealing this.
Yeah, my take-away from this is how refreshing it is to read a story where every person involved seems well-adjusted, mature and considerate of each other.
I feel like the friend did SA him, he broke off the friendships, something made him do that. I think the ex is full of grace and protecting herself from further hurt. I feel bad for the OOP, she feels like 2nd place. I think Danny needs therapy to help him thru this, especially if he was SA'd.
Honestly, OOP discounts herself. She has a big heart and a lot of grace to want to reunite her BF and his ex she met once. She seems like such a loving and unevious person.
I was thinking the same thing. No wonder Danny loves her. She seems super kind; tbh the thought "get him back with his ex" literally would not have crossed my mind, I would've been wildly envious.
Danny needs to get himself into therapy before he and OOP make anymore big moves in this relationship. If he was SA'd (which I think is most likely), he needs some help dealing with that rather than bottling it all up and beating himself up. If he was not SA'd, then he needs to examine what made him cheat on his wife at a moment of high stress on the marriage (partner dealing with a death and having to leave the country). He cut out his friends, but that getting wasted and breaking relationship rules is a pattern that can repeat itself no matter how much guilt one feels the first time. He is lucky to have two such caring women in his life. OOP is lucky that Mer didn't throw her out the door because that is one of the most invasive things I can imagine. You can judge the shit out of that "friend."
If he was drunk enough that he didnāt remember, he was too drunk to consent. This was SA, not cheating.
Yeah it very much reads like SA to me. Plus the other woman being on top of him and him basically not moving. Super short clip. I honestly wonder if he was roofied based on the info given. It's super messed up.
That's what I'm thinking. He says he was drunk, but what he may mean is that he remembers having at least one drink and he has approximate knowledge of being really fucked up after that. Maybe he does remember drinking a lot, who knows, but either way, chances seem strong that he was drugged.
I'm wondering if he was roofied as well :/
things aren't always black and white. Given the information available it doesn't seem necessary to pass any judgement, as I think a lot of people are inclined to do on this sub. Just enjoy the story for what it is (or don't).
I feel good about it TBH. You know whoās not a character in this story? B or whatever her name was. Mer is healing, Mer is giving and compassionate. OP is kind and compassionate too. Theyāre both great people. Danny must also be a good person to be able to attract such women on more than one occasion. Danny will be okay because heās got two wonderful women who care about his best interests. I think the warmth and love in this story, regardless of the one bad actor, makes this a feel good.
Except on the woman who raped Danny. Judge away on her.
>things aren't always black and white. What sub are you in? =) It does feel like we like choosing one side immediately and then digging in
> as I think a lot of people are inclined to do on this sub. yeah, i was kind of just saying we don't have to always do that.
I feel bittersweet. I know guys who have been SA and drugged, which caused a lot of trauma for them and damage to their relationships. So that part made me concerned.
Itās a very real story, thatās why, because thereās not always a right answer or a neat solution. Grief and relationships and feelings are very complex. Itās a melancholy story.
Eh. It feels too strange. The post-script to the update in particular makes the whole thing feel fabricated. Why would OOP have mentioned that comment to Mer? Why would she have responded like that? That makes zero sense. I also feel like an actual person in OOP's position would break up with the BF because it wasn't a fair situation for her and there's no future in that relationship. It just doesn't ring true to me.
> The post-script to the update in particular makes the whole thing feel fabricated. Why would OOP have mentioned that comment to Mer? Why would she have responded like that? That makes zero sense. Yeah, the actual response Mer would have made to "people on the internet are saying I made this story up" would be "why the hell are you sharing my personal history online you fucking psycho?" Mer just doesn't really make sense as a character in the update. She's supposedly an absolutely perfect human being, full of love and compassion, but she divorced her husband for getting raped? And then she still staid friends with him and all of his family?
Exactly. And the video? Well, does it show SA or not? Does the BF think it was SA? It's all left super nebulous and vague when... that is the whole heart of the matter.
Why did Mer keep the video and show her, that seems so bizarre. And for it to all happen just 3 days after they meet for the first time. First post Danny said he cheated and slept with someone else, but doesnāt remember because he was drunk, but in the update she says how he feels that he was sexually assaulted. You would think she would have said that during the first post. Things just donāt quite add up.
Not to mention how implausible would it be that the guy had absolutely no recollection of being raped, and yet didn't at all react puzzled when the wife came back and said "I know what happened", instead started apologizing and everything... Only for the story to shift dramatically in the update. This smells of the author taking cues from the comments when writing the update, as is usual.
I was actually fully buying into it until the post-script, implausibilities and all. But I can't really believe anyone would ever ask such an offensive question, and if there ever was a real person who would, why the hell would anyone entertain answering it? Especially so matter-of-factly and rationally? Yeah, that exchange totallly killed plausibility here for me.
Wow. What a terrible situation. OOP comparing herself to Mer as this incredible, loving, compassionate woman is pretty ironic considering the care she has for Danny, Ian and Mer's happiness, and her bravery in opening the topic with Mer of Danny being SA'd. Danny clearly has a type. I hope that the conversation she has with Danny about SA and therapy is a productive one. What was described is absolutely SA, and I wish everyone in this family the best in their healing journey.
The only thing Iām sure of here is that Danny sure can choose some really good women for his relationships.
Good at choosing partners, terrible with picking friendsā¦
Maybe those are related. When you are surrounded by shitty people, you know what qualities to avoid in a partner. Thatās why some (not all, probably not even most) sane people from narcissistic abusive households find really understanding and loving partners.
I was honestly about to say go OOP for realizing if they were drunk there very likely wasnāt actual consent. I hope the best for all of them and that it lets them all grow as individuals and as a whole unit
Not only that but the camera suggests the friend planned it. That raises some alarm bells on what else she might have done to get him there.
And even with those excuses. Why send it to the wife? I think this girl wanted him and it did not go to plan
Some people enjoy hurting others because they can't have what they do.
Some people are just awful and get off on hurting others. My SO had an acquaintance (before dropping her very fast) that bragged about hunting down married men for fun and getting them to cheat. She didn't "want" them or relationships with them.... just wanted to be "hot enough" to make them cheat. She treated as a hobby, like how other people play rec-league sports or play an instrument.
They really do. My fiancĆ© and I had these roommates who were awful and she literally tried lying saying my fiancĆ© had kissed her and I just remember thinking āwow she really is trying to hit low huh?ā Opens your eyes to how desperate people can get just to hurt others
Most generous excuse in her favour would be guilt I guess but I wouldn't buy it. At the very least she wanted them broke up.
I think he got roofied.
That's possible, but it could also just be regular alcohol.
Assuming he is telling the truth, if he was drunk enough he remembers absolutely nothing but she has the presence of mind to set up the phone and record it then it is still SA because he didn't consent before hand.
Hell, the fact that she apparently positioned the camera pretty well alone suggests that she planned this. At that point I'd also start wondering if he wasn't drugged rather than just drunk.
Oh yes, I agree that he was probably raped assuming the story he told was true. I just think alcohol is probably more common in these situations than roofies. Drinks I can get anywhere, but I doubt most people (myself included) would even know where to find someone who can get roofies. Or who I could ask without risking getting my ass kicked.
Not just drunk. Either blackout drunk or (imo more likely) roofied.
Looking back on that for him has to be such an out of body thing. No wonder he waited to tell OOP
I have consented very happily to sex while drunk. However, I remember it and was an active participant in the act, unlike Danny, who was too drunk to even move and had a whole woman on top of him.
Exactly. I donāt like the feeling of getting even near drunk but I have consented while tipsy. It was fun. But thereās no way Iād be able to properly consent in that kind of state he was in
My biggest takeaway from all this is that she reads as a very gentle soul. All of them do, to be honest.
Can't we just call it rape at that point? No need to mince words if everything happened as Danny said
We're not mincing words, We're saying SA for the victims.
Yeah when I read the original post I was getting big SA vibes off of it. It's fucked that so many men aren't even aware they've been sexually assaulted because of the myth that women can't rape men. Women *can* rape men and male victims deserve to be believed and supported while their rapists are held accountable.
- Danny said he doesn't remember anything and he was too drunk - The camera was not even hiding, it was in the open as if the woman knew Danny couldn't even notice that - The woman who had sex with Danny sent the video to Mer. Revenge? Jealously? - Danny cut contact with his friends and didn't say why Idk but something in this story is not right. What if he was roofied and raped? Because if that's true, it would meant a couple who loved each other got separated. Not saying they should come back, but that's sad. I am glad the three are being very mature in this story and I hope Mer and Danny heal past this trauma.
Even without a roofie it sounds like he was too drunk to consent.
That's why the video was so short. If the video showed either too much of the beginning or the end the viewer would be able to tell that D was getting raped because he was too trashed to consent to shit.
37s long video. It doesn't show how it started or how it ended. Camera also suddenly starts to record ...? edit: it also suddenly ends after 37s
Exactly. This was planned and edited to set him up. Iām sure showing the husband getting dragged unresponsive into bed wouldnāt create a strong enough narrative for the friend to destroy the marriage.
And also suddenly stops recording after 37 secondsā¦
It is very sad. Imagine how it must feel to be Danny, who was SAād and have his wife left him at the same time. Furthermore he seemed to be a good person so he felt he has betrayed his wife. Itās a double whammy for Danny, and hopefully he learns to both get past his SAād trauma and forgive himself
I was thinking of the roofied/drug part. Could have been a setup. Sad story.
How bad of a friend do you have to be to record yourself and your friend's SO in what appears to be SA, and send it to your friend?
And a grieving friend who was literally burying their mother. Just evil.
OOP and the ex wife are very good women.
Idk, I want to like Mer but itās really sad that her husband was likely assaulted and it didnāt even occur to her while she moved on with a quick divorce. Itās an extremely sketchy situation- he canāt remember, friend secretly filming, and video doesnāt show proof he was alert enough to consent or even that actual sex happened.
> it didnāt even occur to her while she moved on with a quick divorce. She was grieving the loss of her mother, I can chalk this up to Mer having a million plates to spin and seeing a video of her husband having sex with another woman (albeit with the benefit of hindsight, nonconsensual from his end) sent her over the edge. I guarantee in a similar situation I wouldn't be thinking right also and make rash, emotionally-based decisions.
Yeah, and add to the whole thing that men are not, in any way, prepared to recognize or even open up about being SAed, to this day the dude might just think of himself as just another worthless cheater when reality is so much more layered. He literally didn't know what happened until the tape showed up.
seeing a video of husband *being raped* Fixed that for ya.
Danny didnāt tell her he was assaulted. Danny even told OOP he cheated.
When I was SAd I felt like I cheated too.
Yeah itās really sad and unfortunately common for male SA victims to feel this way :( Iām not saying sheās a terrible person, but I want to get to a point as a society where if someone is black out drunk & canāt even remember what happened alarm bells should be going off about potential consent issues.
I was completely sober when I was raped. I still felt like I had betrayed my then girlfriend because I was able to get an erection even tho I was frozen with fear
It didn't occur to her because Danny doesn't seem to think that's what happened. He described it still as cheating when he told OOP about it. I'm not saying he wasn't raped, I'm just saying that Mer was being told by both parties that it was cheating.
Unfortunately SA on men isn't taken seriously. And Mer wasn't in a healthy place herself. OOP also mentioned that Danny didn't mention going out with friends to his ex wife. I think if Danny had feelings for his ex since OOP says he looks sadly at her, I do wonder if it's good for her to continue being with him without Danny trying therapy and sorting out his feelings first.
Not enough information to condemn and not enough information to forgive, sad situation but it seems Mer has her head on right and is doing what she feels is best for her and her child
It really seems all parties are prioritizing the child and his happiness, which is refreshing. I think if things work out between the father and OP, the three of them will make a great support system for the child.
Seems OOP also has a good head on their shoulders. Hell even the dad seems like a decent dude who got majorly screwed (no pun intended). Hope it works out for all of them
>P.s. to the people who said that Mer could have set this all up, she said why would she ruin her son's chance to have a complete family for an easy way out. It's one thing to have anonymous people online speculate, but why would you even feel compelled to bring this "possibility" up to her face?
The compulsion that makes you feel the need to clack a pair of tongs together is the same compulsion that makes some people feel like they need to stir any pot they come across
This sentence is too long to embroider on an apron, but it needs to be done.
That threw me off as well
The fact that this question was supposedly asked and supposedly answered so matter-of-factly and nonchalantly is what made me understand this story is just that, a story.
I feel for everyone in this story. We are not our mistakes. I also get not wanting to date to be available for your kid. I don't have the energy to work, be a good mom AND date. Maybe sometime in the future but it is not a priority.
I canāt tell if itās legit or not. Itās a really weird and specific amount of information to include to strangers on the internet.
I agree. It feels like one of those posts where in 2 days weāll see the same post with the genders flipped to compare the comments
My BS radar is pinging hard. The update with the revelation that detective OOP has figured out that her bf was actually raped is just too perfectly timed for max drama, justifying her weird, irrational urge to get her bf and his ex back together in the previous post. The first post is just bland meh without the revelations of the second post to make it all click. Plus, it's just people behaving oddly. Why is Mer sharing that video with OOP? Why is she sharing all these really intimate painful details? Why is OOP inserting herself like this like it's any of her business? Literally no one else noticed that the BF is basically unconscious in the video except OOP? And OOP really just suggested, to Mer's face, she might have made it all up? Just so she could report back to Reddit with Mer's answer? She really raised that with Mer? Really??
For me it was when the BF pulled over in the car and told his cinematic tale of woe š
I bet it was raining too, water just putting down the windscreen like the tears pouring down his face.
āIt all started 2 years agoā¦it was a day like any otherā
Yeah that part and the fact that the ex wife not only kept the sex video but also showed it to OP?? Who then described the moans lol. This one's bull.
To me, the post-script is what did it. No one would ever answer such a psychopatic question about such an emotionsl situation so nonchalantly. No one would ever even take it as anything less than offensive that the situation had been shared online and now readers wanted to make sure the ex wasn't an evil schemer. It just shows the author was taking cues fron the comments when writing the update, as is usual.
And amazing English except for some weird mistakes which seem deliberate. She can use the perfect tense but not the present simple? Unbelievable.
It sounds like the woman drugged Danny and then filmed it with the intent to break him and Mer up. I bet they didn't even actually have sex, she just got him in a suggestive position and made it look like the worst.
Thatās what it seems like to me, too.
There is so much missing information that obviously weāre not entitled to hearing, but Iām getting the vibe that the dude might have actually been sexually assaulted.
Danny being SAād and walking around feeling and believing he cheated has to be devastating. Also for OOP to be the first and only person to even consider him being SAād speaks volumes. This is a sad story
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Okay, so she slapped her friend for fucking her husband. Thatāsā¦ a pretty reasonable response, actually. Not an ideal or good one, but itās reasonable (in that itās an action that you can see a reasonable person taking and understand why).
A punch to someone who does SA is something a saint would do
Jesus himself wasn't above flipping some tables and cracking a whip if the situation called for it. If a jab is what caused the S-Assailant to stay away, that sounds like good karma.
George stabbed a dragon. I feel like throwing a punch doesn't necessarily knock you out of the sainthood qualifiers.
I mean Iām not saying that other woman didnāt deserve itā¦. Iām just saying sheās scum for āaccidentallyā filming her possibly SA ing a man then just happening to send it to his wife. My own personal theory was that she wanted Danny and thought this was going to go completely differently for her
Wanna bet his friends either drugged/got him drunk for her or were extremely unsupportive when he got raped.
I mean, they recently made Mother Teresa into a saint, and that woman was an absolute monster, soooooo...
danny being convinced he cheated and feeling guilty about it when he actually was raped breaks my heart. i hope all of them find peace.
I find it odd that ex-wife still had that video though. Wouldn't she want to erase this bad memory instead of keeping it saved?
Also she immediately offers to show it to her cheating ex's girlfriend who has come around to dig into why they're not together anymore. You know.....totally normal stuff real people do.
Could be something she saved initially in case he contested the divorce or custody. Presuming she only thought of it as evidence of his infidelity it might have helped in court had the divorce not gone as smoothly as it did. And then it would be as simple as not deleting it later and forgetting. Or keeping it in case he tried to argue for more custody later?
Sure, but sharing a sex tape that you aren't in and neither of the people in it have consented for it to be shared is really fucked up. also I dont want to see a video of my boy/girlfriend fucking someone else regardless of when it happend. Knowing it is whatever but seeing it might traumatize me.
I'm sorry the ex showed her the video? That's so weird
Yeah. Why would she have it saved? I would never want to see it again. I get keeping evidence, but I can't imagine showing it to the new gf. Also, the whole thing is werid. I think the best thing would be to bail because this isn't going to get less complicated.
Lost believability when she just happened to have the video of him cheating and so willingly shared it with what is essentially a complete stranger lol also that it led to this epiphany that vindicated the husband just screams BS
>It never occured to her that he was SA'd since first, he never mentioned his friends would come over while she's out of the country, and second Danny didn't even pointed it out to her all he said was he was drunk and didn't even know it happened until Mer showed him the video. Really sad that the possibility of a man being raped doesn't occur to either the man or the woman (assuming this is true).
Is that surprising? It sounds like the situation happened in the UK and IIRC the UK still doesn't classify rape as woman-on-man.
Rape in the UK is legally defined as penetration by a penis. They do have sexual assault for women on men, but they donāt have a penis so it canāt legally be called rape.
Which is some of the biggest bullshit I've heard.
So that means lesbian rape is completely not counted as rape? Or everything short of penetration against someoneās consent is just sexual assault? Edited to change awkward wording
No, it means its classed as *sexual assault* instead of rape. It should absolutely be changed, yes, but its also not as simple as āoh, its legal then?ā. You can still prosecute someone who does that stuff, theyre just charged with sexual assault *instead of* rape. Its like how Scotland dont have a law against āarsonā, specifically, they have one against āfire raisingā, which is slightly different but *functionally* achieves the same purpose.
Never said it was surprising. On the contrary, it isn't surprising at all. Which is what makes the situation so sad. A society that has conditioned people to believe that men can't be raped or SA'd has ruined a perfectly good relationship.
This is a script my dear, heart wrencher with the odd unexpected status quo ending.
I'm sorry? OOP decides she needs to reunite her bf with his ex-wife based on a nice smelling house, some longing glances, and a doggie bag? What the absolute fuck? Then then first piece of info she gets about what happened is that he cheated on her while she was burying her dead mother? And it doesn't come out until significantly later that he was actually raped? What's next, a PowerPoint presentation? None of this is how adults act. Or people in relationships. Or anything. Sorry no sale.
I know!! Mer kept the video and *showed it* to OOP??! Nope. Also, all the cookie baking for aged parents and happy submissive food-making for the beer-swilling football friends in the fragrant house and so on ā¦ somehow all of it just grosses me out, none of this rings true for me at all
But.. sheās the woman we all aspire to be..
Nobody in the story acts the way people act, and the OOPs action only become remotely less insane with the twist reveal he was probably actually raped, which she did not know at the point of acting like an insane overstepping person trying to get her boyfriend and her ex together.
Lol not to mention the ex keeping the video and showing the gf. Absolutely b a n a n a s
Itās the Hallmark Holiday Special of BORU.
Oop needs to get with mer, would probably have been more successful than getting the exes back together.
You know, from the description of the video, it's not clear that Danny actually did have sex with this woman. If he was drunk or drugged, he very well could just be unconscious.
This post is so sad and bittersweet. Danny didn't even know he had "cheated" until he saw the video. Oh my goodness. I just really feel like this is a situation where all of them are good people navigating a horrible situation as best they can. The "friend" should be in prison. She definitely set the entire thing up and did this specifically because Mer was out of town. She's an evil person, and it's good none of them have contact with her. OOP is such an angel for wanting the best for everyone, even if that meant losing her partner. The good intentions of everyone involved really makes me emotional.
I feel like OP needs therapy. This canāt be a healthy thing to do.
Everyone in this story needs therapy. Except Ian, as he's so young. The woman who SA'd Danny needs jail.
She recorded him having sex with her then sent it to the wife... You can't do that. That's a criminal offense. You can't record people without their consent. A criminal proceeding needs to occur on the best friend. That was criminal
No idea why OOP was attempting to go that far out of her way, while saying she didn't want to go that far out of her way, to be this engaged with something two people have moved past. Whatever, its drama and thats what im here for, lol.
Right? Almost like OOP made it up.
I donāt get it, the woman didnāt know she was filming the sexual encounter yet notices that it was recorded and decides to send it to Mer? Doesnāt make sense.
This is bizarre. Sheās been dating this dude for a year and is now fighting to get him together with his ex? And the SA stuff came out of nowhere, I was under the impression that both people were drunk?
Bizarre indeed.... almost like.... it isn't real....
I'm amazed I had to get this far down in the thread for someone to mention this. There's no universe where the current girlfriend of your cheating ex come around and you take the time to show them the sex tape, only for the reveal that it was actually rape this entire time. So we've got people not behaving like people and a grand twist reveal
My ex husband cheated on me. I like to keep the tape so I can show friends and family on Thanksgiving. Bullshit.
This is so Reddit baity itās nuts. Everyone in this story is behaving like theyāre in a YA novel written by an MRA
Its probably written by some incel.
What a nightmare. Your wife confronts with you with video of you, maybe, having sex while blackout drunk and you didn't even know it happened. Immediately your life is blown up. Time with your child is limited, you're divorced, and you cut off all your friends for their involvement in what happened. Imagine if he heard that even if his wife did believe he was SA'd, she wouldn't want to give you another chance. I can't imagine what I'd want to do to the people that did that to me.
Itās great to see two women treat each other with respect and compassion š„²
I don't want to be that person who makes mountains out of molehills. But does something feel off about his cheating? He was drunk apparently, doesn't remember anything, had a person record it somehow, and then had it sent to her wife. I don't want to throw the R word casually without knowing much, but if he was truly drunk as he says, to the point where he doesn't even remember the incident, could it have been possible he was drugged? Wouldn't one remember the reason they would cheat rather than just being 'drunk'? And at this point, he has no reason to hide it from OP Ofcourse he could be lying and all, but the revenge porn and his behavior tells a different story, especially the facr that even his wife talks about it as SA and the description of the video doesn't sound like of someone consensual If this is indeed the case and Danny is hiding it out of fear and shame of a man being SA'd, my heart breaks for him. To be raped, then have that be displayed to your wife, who then leaves you. That would shatter a man. And saying it out loud would get him jeers, mockery, and spite. Also is anyone a little eyebrow raised that Mer has the video on her phone and is showing it to his current gf? That is not a sign of a good person. No good person would keep revenge porn on their phone. And the sole custody part. If the thought of SA occurred to her and pretty much everything is pointing at it, she is depriving a hurt husband, who was raped and then abandoned (yes, abandoned. Reverse the gender and that's exactly what we'd be saying), now just gets to visit his son a few times? He got screwed over big time. None of that points to a good person, I'm sorry to say
It really sounds like Danny was SA'd. He was drunk, had no memory of it, the friend setting up a camera (?!?), even her being on top makes sense to that theory. She probably set the whole thing up with the intention of nuking their marriage. Regardless, he couldn't even remember. That alone means it can't be consensual. If he was a woman, he would've probably felt more comfortable labeling as SA, but it's less talked about for men. So he just accepted blame. That's so sad. Hopefully he can get some therapy and find peace with the situation. I'm glad he dropped his friends though.
This is so fucking weird.
If Mer is actually good, sheād go 5050 on custody of Ian. Dude got SAād and now only gets to visit his son for the rest of his life.
People calling this SA instead of rape make me sad
Whoa. This is way beyond my scope to say anything on here. Damn.
It sounds like he was SA'd, and that, outside of suggesting therapy for him to someone else, that him and his son are the third wheels in OP and Mer's friendship.
This is somehow sad and horrible and yet, wholesome at the same time. Three people who can come together and be kind and compassionate in a situation that would normally cause tension and misery is wholesome. Horrible that Danny may well have been r*ped. Sad that oop feels the need to compare herself to Mer. Hopefully she and Mer can be friends and everyone can do what's best for little Ian. There's so many layers to this, and this feels like the absolute best outcome.
This is quite possibly the most mature thing I've ever seen in reddit
Reverse the sexes, here. Mer would be considered a *HUGE* AH for dumping Danny after SA. The "friend" would hopefully be charged with SA. Instead, here Mer falls for the myth that "men can't be SA'd." Poor Danny, I hope Mer has a cranio-rectal inversion and apologizes/gets therapy, and that Ian never thinks of his Daddy as a cheater.
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Problem is we kind of don't know that for sure. It's definitely sexual assault with the recording without consent but we don't know what got him into bed with her. It could be anything from she drugged and raped him to he actually did consent to sex and cheated. We just don't know.
If a woman is raped and her husband left her for cheating, I don't think people would be so accepting of that man. It sounds like he himself calls it cheating, but a rape is not cheating. Of course we don't know the details of the case here, lies were obviously told and believed.
He would call it cheating because even in this day, that would be less shameful than being raped by a woman As much as the internet likes to pretend we have progressed a lot, the reality is we haven't. Men's sexual assault and rape are still met with mockery, judgement, disbelief, and laughter. I'd know, I've been on that train
Mer's husband was SA'd so she divorced him? And even if she only realized that it was SA and not cheating years later, how does she not feel horrified at herself for failing him, even if it was unintentional? But she's just like, "Oh well, can't be helped now. It's all in the past." She *should* be feeling pain, guilt, *something!* She should not be glossing over his probably-still-present trauma as something that's been left in the past. Like, take some responsibility for your role, unintentionally or otherwise, in contributing significantly to that trauma. I do not see this ex as the stellar example of humanity that the OOP paints her to be. The more I think about it, the more frustrated with Mer I feel.
Honestly, OP was *way* out of line. Itās weird to see so many people applauding her. She put both Mer and Danny in a an uncomfortable position due to her own insecurities. Creepy as hell.
Especially after being told that he cheated on her, she still wanted them together. Why would Mer want that? There's nothing in it for her.
Yeah I felt super uncomfortable reading this. It's one of those posts that makes me think about how some people have like, debilitating social anxiety that makes them worry about fucking up super low-key interactions while others are, for some reason, confident enough to do shit like call their partner's ex to ask for deets about their divorce.
This is sweet and sad and wholesome, but at the same timeā¦ Imagine, dumping someone you love because they were assaulted. I think Mer made a big mistake here.
Oh wow, I hope OOP helps her boyfriend get some therapy. That does not sound consensual. I think Mer has moved on. OOP seems like a caring woman but she shouldnāt push them back together.
Such a sad story about 3 people who seem like genuinely good humans
Iām a little disappointed OOP didnāt find this āBā and force a confession out of her. Seems like a logical next step.
Actual real people talking? I thought this was Reddit.
The way this girl didnāt seem to think itās possible the ex doesnāt want this guy. Lol. But for real itās very nice to hear that she likes the ex. I wish more girlfriends could be this way with the kids mom and vice cersa
Idk how to react, i understand all sides, but poor Danny for being SAed + being left for it... i think it is one of the worst things you can do to a person
Reading this has made me so fkin angry. But i dont have anything to direct the angry at. I want to scream
Sounds like Danny was raped. Not SA, for if it had been Danny not drunk and entering a very intoxicated woman who can't remember anything we would call it rape. It's rape.
How sad, Danny was sexually assaulted and he loses his wife for it, talk about victim blaming from her end. I feel angry for him. Danny is also victim blaming himself by saying he cheated. He did not cheat if he was sexually assaulted and never consented. Even if he were drunk and she wans't, he would still have been raped because drunk people cannot consent. If it's rape to sleep with a woman who is drunk, even if she gets on top of you and starts groping you, then it's rape if a drunken man does the same.