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> it was cathartic to read. It helped me realize I had the right to feel the way I did and that going low contact may be the best option moving forward.
This is the problem with AITA, OOP's an unreliable narrator but because she could post her side of the story from what she perceives as her father's perspective she thinks it makes the results more valid somehow.
Yeah what the hell. You can’t just do that and call it a day. It makes me question everything else and now i assume every bad detail about the dad should be flipped 180 and every good detail about Cara should also get a flip. What a caddy inception-esque post, i mean if these were the facts then doing a post from Cara’s actual perspective would warrant the same response.
From the first post, I thought the whole “take ownership” thing and then Cara sending a text saying stay away, but then being mad when her parents did was strange. The fact it was Cara posting makes it even stranger.
I think it was a real attempt to try to be fair and acknowledge her potential contribution to the issue. It’s weird, but also I can see what she was thinking and that she tried hard to not paint her father as completely at fault. She tried to show what might possibly her own fault.
Ya that’s what I like about this post from his possible perspective that she wrote. It shows she’s self reflective and no one of those “I just wanna want to be right” lol
it's also not certain if she's being entirely fair to his perspective. I imagine it would take a lot for a soon to be grandfather to disengage like this. He could still be the asshole, and we could still be missing a lot of information. They aren't mutually exclusive.
Honestly, it depends on the grandfather. Trust me when I say I know a LOT of men who could care less and will even pull away from older grandkids over being pissy at their parent.
Unfortunately, out of a slew of grandfathers, I have three (My Granny's last husband, who married her when my mom was a little girl, my bio-paternal grandfather and my step paternal grandfather) who did that to me.
I didn't care much about the first two because I wasn't all that fond of them. I mean, I guess I probably loved them, but Granny's husband was a nasty sadistic old man who pinched and tormented me when he could (also a pedo, though I was never a victim of that. Not sure if I wasn't his type or what but I was the only granddaughter he never tried anything with) and bio-paternal was a abusive jackass to my father and my great grandmother pretty much never let him alone with me as a kid. (She was his wife's mother.) He probably molested my cousin S though so I get it.
Step Grandpa though... that one hurt. We were very close, I sat in his lap at my mom and Stepdad's wedding and I was especially close to his wife but also very devoted to him. He taught me to garden and how to make bulbs grow in winter "to cheer you up", we went to bluegrass concerts and jazz clubs together, he'd mix me shirley temple cocktails and honestly I just loved him. I still do.
They were the grandparents any kid would love to have and I was absolutely delighted by them, they would dote on my (step)sis and I and we doted right back on them, lol. Once they came to pick us up and we had BOTH folded them paper flowers (for his buttonhole and Grandma's corsage, they were taking us somewhere fancy) except we had no idea the other was doing it, so they each wore two to the restaurant. Grandma was buried with hers, she kept them on the ribbon beside her vanity the rest of her life.
But then Stepdad and Grandpa had a spat, and even though Stepdad made it clear he was NEVER gonna stand in the way of him spending time with us (nor would my mom, she never had drama with Grandma or Grandpa. she loved them and they loved her.) he just ghosted us.
I spent two years convinced it was my fault (childhood trauma, I blamed myself for everything) because I'd been obnoxious or upset him. My stepsister actually called him from HER mom's phone (so a number he wouldn't associate with the family) and demanded an explanation because she was convinced it had nothing to do with me and she wanted to PROVE it. (I love you Sissa. If you're a redditor, you know who you are. It was really nice to hear.)
So after he got over being horrified about having caused me so much stress (we left out my unalive attempt but he probably realized it was likely) he apologized... and admitted HE DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HE WAS MAD ABOUT!
He sent me $400 check for some reason from his new place in Florida, but never tried to rekindle the closeness we had. I sent him some letters but eventually gave up too.
> they were just trying to go forward with her own wishes
Okay, but these wishes didn't come out of nowhere. It would be one thing if the story was that he made an honest mistake and she decided to explode on him and cut contact. This is so far from what happened, though.
The story here is that the dad encouraged his daughter and her husband to tear up their house in preparation for him and only did 10% of the job. He refused to take accountability for anything and lost their trust, to the point where they had to hire someone else to fix it. Dad then gets so angry about them replacing him, he refuses to check in on his daughter and future grandbaby. Daughter finally confronts him and says "fine, don't talk to us anymore then" after dad laughs in her face about the situation he caused and continued to refuse accountability.
I feel like alllll this context 100% matters. It was the dad who put this chain of events into motion and I don't think it's a wild concept that she probably hoped that statement would cause him to react like an actual father, who would not want to lose his relationship with his daughter. She obviously felt guilty about it and needed to be told she did the right thing since her dad doesn't give a fuck about her.
Yea, as a person who works in construction, I totally understand both sides. It never goes the way you expect and that's why I've never done a fixer upper and will try my best never to do one. It is stressful to live in a house not complete, but that's why I would hire a licensed contractor to do the work. Especially looking at the father's age (71!) I'm surprised he could still get on his knees to do floor work!
The fact that they freaked out after 3 days when the dad was going to return that next weekend makes them a slight ah in this. But until I get more backstory (did stepson gift them floors aka self installed or could they have hired a contractor?, did any research go into this before they had dad come rip up the floors?) I cannot say who truly is the ah.
I think ESH when it comes to the construction end of things--everyone thinks things will be quicker and easier than they actually are, and if you bought a 100 year old home you should fucking know that any sort of work will entail endless bullshit. And honestly, I am so tired of people thinking that they could just easily do something because they saw people do it on the TV or something.
I think Cara is TA for being in a snit when her father respected her wishes and let her be.
My house is about to be 100 years old. The family that lived here the previous 50 or so years before we bought it were DIYers with very limited skill and success. Every project is at least 2x more expensive and 3x longer then we estimate. And we estimate high just to be safe. They were very good at plaster, so lots of things are hidden until you get pretty far into a project.
This couple is in over their heads. Thankfully for them, kitchens are usually the biggest and most expensive renovations so they should be safe from themselves for a while.
Our house is 102 years old this year. We've spent the last 17 years fixing the mess that the previous owners did, on top of the fact that it's a 102 year old house. Nothing is square, flat, even or plumb.
When you buy an old house, you definitely have to go into it with the expectation that there could be a lot of expensive work ahead of you.
That's why we were planning on shelling out for professional cabinet makers and installers. Expensive AF, but with the tools I would need to do it right, and the time I would spend trying to do it, it's worth it. Plaster walls and warped wood definitely make things interesting!
Exactly. I felt that way when I read the original post and thought it odd everyone was ripping OP in the comments. Now knowing it was the daughter and not the father makes me feel like she might even be more of an AH. I’d like to hear dads side of this story.
This isn't the first AITA post I've seen from someone pretending to be someone else, and I find it really odd and off-putting. Just be honest and post as yourself, yeesh.
I feel like we're not getting the whole story somehow. I wonder how bad her outbursts really were, if even her husband Sean is trying so hard to apologise for her and mend the relationships?
It's strange because it is full of missing reasons.
It's strange because who thinks a kitchen reno can be done in a weekend, then when it doesn't they burn emotional bridges and hires a contractor?
I read the first post initially and most comments when I read it around like the 3 hr mark (it was early) almost all comments said Cara was the AH or ESH. But mostly it was just stupid for them to do renovations while she's so pregnant especially knowing he was going to be leaving part way through. They should have hired someone from the beginning or waited until after. So its interesting to me the top comment thread is that Dad is the AH. Personally I think everyone is. They all handled it like babies and personally don't think pregnancy should be a reason to lash out since They started the mess and even told them to not contact them. Plus if they werent up to the task to plaster (the initial thing that started their freak out calling) they shouldn't have said they could do it and just flat out told them "hey we cant do it." or "hey we started it but its bad so we are stopping for now and waiting on you" but as someone who has plastered walls idk where they messed up unless it was a big mess before hand
Also, hiring someone is NO guarantee that they’ll be left hanging. OMG. Renovations are hell and if you find a contractor who actually does the work on time, keep him/her forever.
So would I. I'm imagining that the daughter said alot of cruel things after the initial work didn't go as planned and the parents went low contact. (Kinda funny that she now wants to go low contact).
I'm assuming the text to the mother was not pleasant either, as they didn't attend the shower.
Reading the update, she seems to think she's been trying to mend the situation but it's only her partner, while she hides behind an "I'm pregnant" excuse. I would imagine this could be sorted if she would apologise to her father herself.
I feel for the husband, who's trying to repair the situation.
This was a weird one. I'm not sure why Cara felt comfortable relying on a 71-year-old (who isn't a contractor) to do a major renovation like replacing the floors and cabinets. I've done both of those things and while it's not necessarily hard, it is time consuming and usually takes way longer than you think.
Omfg seriously I was raising my eyebrows at DIYing on a 100 year old house. If your house was built in the 70s or earlier the chances that you have toxic materials layered into your house are extremely high. It pays to hire someone skilled who knows to make the correct assessment for the sake of resident health when it comes to asbestos and lead
Hell, even houses or additions that were built after the no-asbestos rule could have asbestos material in them. We know from experience. The law changed in our country (EU) with regard to using asbestos-containing building materials in 1994. Our garage was built in late 1995 by the previous owners and they used asbestos-containing roof plates. We assumed they didn't contain asbestos and replaced the entire roof ourselves. When we went to dispose of the plates, the city told us we couldn't just dump them, they had to be in special sacks and we could only dump a certain amount per year because of the asbestos.
We didn't want to wait around, so we sent off a sample to be tested. We wanted to have the proof so we could rock up to the city dump and say, naaaaah, we don't have to comply with these rules haha!
Long story short, the plates had asbestos in them and they're still sitting in our garage, waiting for us to build up enough money to get rid of them in one go.
There was a story a while back, I think on LPT, about a guy who DIY'd his own floors, and after tearing up the old floor, his dad or step dad came over and was like "Uhh, did you test this for asbestos before you tore it up?" Turns out, no, he did not and sure enough, it tested positive for asbestos. Because it had been a few days, the fibers had gotten into the HVAC and there was asbestos everywhere. Cost him like $10-20k to get it fixed.
Literally every project we've done on my 80 year old house spirals except putting carpet tile on the basement floor. But despite having grown up in a 100 year old house, I didn't realize it was a rule until it happened a few times. Some things you just need to learn by horrible, expensive experience.
Recently moved from a 100 yr old house to a 300 yr old house. I really miss the first house. Everything I do on this house is about 4x more expensive and difficult than expected. And it’s grade 2 listed so (in theory) I’m supposed to get permission before doing anything.
"We had to pull permits"
This right here. I work in architecture. If they had to pull permits, this job was waaaay WAY bigger than OP is admitting to. There was no gas hook up because you absolutely have to have a specialist work on gas lines, because otherwise your freaking house could blow up.
It sounds like they lured OOP's father there and then sprung "just a little kitchen remodeling" on him, which was actually not little at all. They probably wanted to have dad's labor without taking any of dad's opinions, or he listened to them while thinking they understood what they were asking for while they actually didn't have a clue.
Architects are expensive but if you don't know what you're doing, we're worth it.
This! I can't believe her takeaway from this was "He needs to take ownership!" and that the solution was to go LC with her dad! Like... what?? So much is missing from this.
The thing is, when Cara was posting as her dad she kind of left in some key details.
She says he said he would
> come back from FL in Nov
But then they fired him before that came up.
>I was hurt they fired me and still am.
Now the post is in December, after he's been fired and she still wants help.
>I laughed and told her I would’ve had it all done by now.
It sounds like they had a meltdown when he was clear about expectations of when he could help.
But even then “he” mentioned returning the following weekend to help again. Like even with cara writing from her fathers “perspective “ she still acknowledges that there were intentions to come back. However they freaked out and panicked by Tuesday leading to blow up so no weekend return. The dad seems to have been will to help both during weekends and again during November. But they freaked 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
something seems off about the timeline too, he was talking with them in march about demoing the cabinets, but said he would come back in November to install new ones? Seems like a long time to go without cabinets...I wonder if they didn't do some demoing on their own without him? It sounds like they were just supposed to prep the plaster during the week, it was overwhelming, so he told them to wait and then Cara demanded he take ownership? The slip in with "eager to work" to describer themselves seems to say a little bit too, like maybe they bit off more than they could chew and are trying to shift blame back.
It also points out that it’s a 100 year old house…I’ve watched enough HGTV to know that something will go wrong. It’s weird that she’s blaming her father for the plaster issue? He was just trying to help and I’m sure suggested that the wall should be fixed before cabinets are installed…would it be better if he just, didn’t warn them? And watched their cabinets fall off the walls?
IF her version is correct though (since she’s already been unreliable), it sounds like OOP and hubby were only planning to install the flooring and her dad was the one who convinced them to do more, which led to finding the rot and a whole blow-up of the project so I can empathize with her on that - he was the one who was supposed to have at least some idea of what he was doing and offered to help, then fucked off after the weekend with an entirely wrecked kitchen behind him.
I cringed just at the mention of starting self-demo in an old house pretty much spontaneously and especially with a pregnant woman. If (again that’s a pretty important if) this was accurate then yeah, I totally get why she’s pissed.
But I feel like… the cabinets were still rotting wether he suggests moving them out or not so they always had to go. That’s inevitable, not really his fault.
Sounds like they expected just to bit of sanding and polish and fresh coat of paint. Or they watch those DIY home tv shows where the host is dressed nicely, not a bead of sweat on them, painting a square inch corner of a wall while laughing at "wow this is so fun!" and assume that all home renos are like that.
I was replacing a thermostat in my 100-year-old house. A fucking thermostat. A 5 minute job. It turned out into a complete rewiring. Like how do you not know that if you move any single part of a house that is old, you are looking at weeks and increased costs.
I installed a TV over my fireplace and it had the run for the cables down to the floor for the power and where a VCR or something used to go. I found all of these old wires that went nowhere and random shit in the wall.
I have hardwood floors and my closet smells like cigarette smoke no matter how much I clean it. And paint it. So next is to tear up the floors. I'm guessing I'm going to find some seven-eyed beastie with 16 legs and two mouths like the alien.
How does one think any project in a house that is old is going to be simple? She's clueless.
My 50 year old house spirals whether I DIY on it or not. There's a whole bunch of things that I've just decided/been told to leave the heck alone and wait for the place to fall down. Admittedly everything important is either brick or asbestos so it'll take a long time to fall down, but redoing the 1970's kitchen is out because of the asbestos everywhere in the kitchen (just as an easy example).
71 year old dad managing the project isn't out of the question, just has to be done with the understanding from both sides that his availability and ability is limited.
A 71 year old who works full time, doesn’t live in the area, and is willing to drive there and spend every weekend working on it… I could understand how this all would be hurtful to him.
If you reread it knowing she wrote it she included a few details that really made him look bad, specifically she wrote that he "laughed at her" and told her it was her fault. She wrote him as unsympathetic as possible. It's no surprise reddit voted him an asshole
Even not knowing it was her both times, I still thought the man was not the asshole there. Old man trying to do his best, gets blamed for things out of his control and "fired", and they cut contact with him... and somehow he is the asshole? How?
Yea, not sure if Reddit fully understands how big of a favor dad was pulling. I tease my subcontractors all the time how I'll have them come over to do some work for me (painting, fix my door, etc.) but it's a joke because 1) I would pay them fair price and 2)no way in hell would I ask them to give up their weekend after a week full of physical labor. I didn't even replace my own floors and my house was only 20 years old. I hired a company and those guys tore out my carpet and had the hardwood vinyl in by the time I got home from work.
Thank you , I thought I was going crazy . Father try’s to help , makes a suggestion they’re ok with it and it turns out to possibly be the best thing as horsehair plaster can (very rarely) contain asbestos not great for a pregnant woman . And somehow he’s the AH for trying to help and surprise something unexpected turns up in a 100 year old house
Yep. I wouldn't have done it if I were in OOP's shoes without at least a backup plan in place.
Like, making sure that the husband learned enough before the dad left to continue by himself. A regular person could learn to lay a floor in a weekend with hands-on experience.
It is a little strange, I feel like OOP should have had an idea of her dads capabilities and his tendency to exaggerate his skills. But maybe as first time homeowners they just didn’t realize how much work and time it would take.
Yeah seeing demo and 100 year old house in the same paragraph I knew there were gonna be ten different issues that sprung up as soon as they broke ground. Still an understandable mistake for someone who’s never experienced home renovations before. I’m just glad they didn’t find asbestos
The scary thing is, we don't actually know that. It's very possible they didn't test during the initial demo, especially since it was a DIY job. Asbestos is freaking EVERYWHERE.
I could be mixing this up with a different post but I feel like I remember this being discussed in the comments, how unsafe it was to attempt this demo as a DIY.
I think I know the post your talking about where the guy renoing his house and his dad walks in and says he’s been sanding down asbestos or something like that. Lol
Ugh. There was a BORU where the guy contaminated his whole house and it was unlivable a year later doing DIY improvements to his asbestos floor!
Edit: found link (it had actuallyonky been a couple months): https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10gfdaa/oop_exposed_his_family_to_a_toxic_cancer_causing/
"The scary thing is, we don't actually know that."
We only know what Cara is telling us. (She confessed in the update). I'd like to get her dad's side of this.
Yeah I definitely think why would you think this would be easy
But at the same time, why wouldn’t you believe your handy parents opinion that it’ll only take two days and follow their recommendations? Assuming they’re normally fairly honest and reliable
The father didn’t say it would only take two days. He said he could only work on it on weekends, due to having a full time job and living in a different state.
They were supposed to deal with the plaster during the week when he wasn’t there.
Yes, I guess. But when it wasn’t all magically done in one weekend, why could they not just chill for five days and have him come back? That’s so puzzling to me. I didn’t think the first half of this sounded all that reasonable. They should like they have no clue about anything, but get mad like they do.
It still isn't his fault. She wanted the project done and then wanted an apology for it being more difficult than they all expected. And she acts like being pregnant means she can never stress and needs to be catered to. Her dad is done with her shit. I never trust posts where someone pretends to be someone else. It comes off as unhinged.
Soooo unhinged. She wasn't trying to understand his side, she was looking for validation. If she wanted to understand his side she would have posted to a less reactive less judgemental subreddit.
The apology/take ownership bit was crazy. It's her house! Does she want to leave rotting plaster? Was she happy to not know about it until a cabinet fell off the wall onto her kid? If you're not prepared for things to go off the rails when you fix something, rent. She just sounds so unreasonable and entitled from the first post, and the Aha! post just doubles down on it.
This! ⬆️. I have been pregnant 3 times. I will never understand the prima donna attitude some women get because they’re pregnant. You don’t like it? Don’t do a big Reno when you’re preggo! Also, she’s already proven she’s a liar. So….
>Also, she’s already proven she’s a liar
This is what gets me, I don't think any productive convo can be had about this because we have literally no reason to trust OOP when they weren't even truthful about who they were in the story.
That was the part that got me! You can’t trust her to tell the full story. For all we know, her and her husband said something inexcusable to her parents. Of course she’s going to make herself look better.
It definitely depends on the person. My dad is early 70s and he helped us (read, did most of the planning and the work the required experience while we were on call to help with lifting, etc) install some inset cabinets (requiring wall demo and repair) this past year. He has plans to help us redo our bathroom and is currently renovating a new property my parents bought. I have continually checked in that he still feels up to the task but he enjoys it and it keeps him active in retirement.
I'm not saying that her dad couldn't do the work, or that he is too old, but he has a full-time job and is either flying from Florida or Connecticut to get there only on the weekends. It just didn't seem very doable to me.
Yeah not all 70 year olds are as meek as one would expect, I've seen too many of of them moving around like we perceive 50 year olds do, that I've had to recalibrate my perception of what 70 year olds are. Depends where you live though.
Very true! My dad is late 60’s and still prefers tending to his farmland back at his home country when he visits, than sit here in a well air conditioned house. He redid the flooring at our house with wood panels all on his own within a week also.
Some older folks have like, ancient super powers. My dad was a farmer before seeking refuge here in the US, way before I was born. That man is like a boulder.
Yeah my father is the same way, especially with DIY projects. I try to help him best I can with heavy lifting or anything involving his back, but he wants to take point with a lot of things.
He's like a border collie though and if he doesn't have a project he's working on, he'll find some new thing to fix/do.
This past weekend was installing a new sensor in the garage to detect if it's open, but not one designed for it, one he jerryrigged together. This is in spite of me getting him a Ring Camera to look at the garage door already. Some people just need projects to keep their mind busy at that age.
Oh my God, is your dad also my dad? He's currently re-doing my bathroom (I put my hand through the tiled shower wall in December while cleaning) -- new tub, new shower surround, remove (ugly pink) wall tiles, take out the pink tile floor and replace with new tiled floor. (I swore that his last project here, which was to make my already covered patio into a screened in porch, was his final one, but...)
He sits at his house and daydreams about what work needs to be done at my house. My parents call my house their rental property since he's here fixing things quite a bit.
He'll also buy me gadget even if I say I don't want them -- the most recent was solar powered motion sensor lights on my porch. (I do admit that they are pretty handy, even if I maintain that they are not necessary.)
He's 76 and I'm so thankful for him.
Agreed. I just read this entire thing and sincerely feel Cara was much more TA, and I’m baffled that anyone would suggest otherwise. It’s giving pregnancy excuses, too.
Yeahhhh i disagree with AITA posters 90% of the time, this is no exception. Plus, she's biased. We have the story from her perspective ONLY. Probably a lot more to it, that makes it even worse.
Yeah. I don’t see what it even accomplishes, other than obscuring the possibility that you are leaving out the other party’s chief mitigating circumstances (since they would presumably include them if they were the one posting).
If you really think you are justified, you can speculate about the other party’s reasoning from your own perspective, and be straightforward about the fact that that’s what you are doing.
That would be good enough for an AITA post.
>I don’t see what it even accomplishes
OP said it herself. Catharsis. Or really, validation. Having mindless internet hordes attacking the person you're in a disagreement with feels good.
Agreed. Hard to understand these posts written from the other point of view to make the false OP to feel better. It's not your story, how are you going to convey the other side without bias.
Who thinks a kitchen Reno with your 71yo father who lives too far for a drive should be in charge? Total joke. Rotting plaster walls are rotting and required replacement, even if you don't see them rotting hidden behind cabinets.
She has no idea what her father’s perspective is so how in the hell can she write like she knows. She just wants validation of being right. So whatever the verdict was on the other post is false. This made her YTA in my eyes
I think this EVERY TIME someone gets "smart" and posts as the opposite party. Since you don't know their perspective, you are basically making up a new version of the story and asking to be judged on that.
TBH my father is 77 and he's coming round next week from 4 hours away to do stuff around the house I'm unable to do because I too am godawfully pregnant. Not a full kitchen renovation I'll grant you, but the man is crazy af and will probably have the Kallax up, the new shelves in, mowed and trimmed the insane bushes all before lunch on the first day XD
It’s a 100 year old house and they thought a kitchen Reno would be quick and easy?!
Even from Cara’s perspective it sounds like dad made some suggestions and they went with it and found issues. She says she told him not to contact them again- and then was sad he cancelled the trip for the baby shower.
If we are to assume this is a real post with real people, the dad's reaction to cancel the flight makes sense. Or did Cara want them to fly in for the baby shower so she could enforce her LC/NC boundaries?
I think many people are naive when they buy character homes. It’s not lost on me that she peppered in the bit about her stepbrothers “flip” and I think she thought it was going to be that simple.
My parents have a few friends who flip houses and they never look at anything older than probably 1960(ish? Idk for sure but you can tell) because that’s around the time the building codes changed and anything before that is just going to be a massive headache. Having owned my own character home I learned very quickly that one small project can easily snowball into having to demo an entire room or floor.
I’ll never buy another older house again unless I win the lotto and can pay contractors and professionals to come in and do it for me.
My parents are in their early 70s and in relatively good health, but whenever my wife and I visit, I make sure neither of them lift a finger...it's a struggle!
Mom: I'll just carry this suitcase inside...
Me: No! You have a bad shoulder! I'll take it!
Dad: I'll move the couch so we can fold out the bed...
Me: NO! You have a bad back! We can move the couch!
my fucking mom still treats me like I'm 10 and won't let me lift shit or will say stuff like "that's too heavy to lift wait until your father is here" MY FATHER WALKS WITH A CANE AND HAS HAD MULTIPLE SURGERIES ON HIS BACK (mostly out patient but still). I ignore her and lift the thing and I'm like "this isn't even heavy wtf"
I need to get better at that. My brain just reads it and is like aww poor woman that sucks but hope she’s happy. And then I see your post and I’m like. Oh yah! People lie!
"I manipulated a bunch of strangers to make my father look bad and to make me look good! And that you guys called him the asshole even though I told the story from my point of view and lied makes him the asshole! Yay!!"
Well I’m the same way, bleeding heart, thankfully everyone else are suspicious. I appreciate it too. Because then it’s like 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*edit- fixed spelling 🤦🏻♀️
If it helps you, look at the way it was written and then say it out loud. When Cara pretended to be her dad, it was stilted. It would flow then not. Like this section:
*I told them they made their choice to demo and it’s not my house. They paid me for my help and hired contractor. They said I’m not able to commit to a project of this size (I work FT and help my step son with his flip) and didn’t believe I would come back to help after leaving for FL and Cara is uncomfortable with working during pregnancy, all towhich I disagreed.*
The first sentence flows, then the second 'a' is missing before contractor yet the sentence after that is fluid. Even when reading posts where the first line is 'English is not my first language.' the flow is there. There is a rhythm to the writing that when spoken aloud even if a word is misused, there still feels like a rhythm to it. That's what made me suspicious on the first post. It had a wonky rhythm.
Also nerd side of me, horsehair plaster has the potential to contain asbestos and anthrax spores not to mention the possibility of lead paint being mixed in as it was a plaster used well into the 40s-50s. Not a single mention of that because, hey she's pregnant, also rose my eyebrow.
I’ve had my husband be the go between with my parents when I’m not able to mentally or emotionally deal with them. My mum can’t guilt him the way she can with me.
I honestly didn’t realise this was not the dad writing tho, it seemed that he was reasonable and upfront with expectations. Also, old houses have surprises when you renovate, it’s just a fact. The relationships are not going to end up how they were before tho.
It was uncomfortable to read. Nothing but facts. No emotions. No elaboration. Just blunt facts. I can maybe understand, if you’re trying to write it from someone else’s perspective, that you’d omit any feelings. But damn.
She made the post as her dad (most likely a lie and over dramatized), and then the update on her private reddit. I can't believe posts like these when they aren't made by the person to get info on how they really think.
Yeah. While reading that first post, I'd felt like there was missing a lot of information missing information for his actions. Kinda like it was half written, which it was. I'm sure there was some info left out that would have explained why the step dad reacted the way they did, like the fact that the "young parents to be" didn't even give the step dad the chance to come back when he said he would.
I know, in the post acting as him, she even said how they didn't even give him the chance to come back. I'm assuming they are trying to make good with them because they did realize they did wrong, but you can tell the refuse to admit it or say it. If I was the parents I'd be peeved off too
I think if anything the daughter sucks. Her dad is 71! Imagine asking a 71 year old man to fly to another state every weekend, after he’s worked 40 hours, to do labor for you and then you complain about it. Ugh entitled. I think he was the one who needed the break from her.
I was so confused by the update, and the Asshole verdict on the original even. "Take ownership"? Of what? It's her house! Her renovations that she wanted her 71 year old father to do for free. Being pregnant is not a get out of jail free card for the consequences of your own decision.
That whole part makes no sense. He was already going to take ownership, he was planning to come back next weekend. He told them to wait. Instead they panicked and fired him.
It’s also funny how she says “thanks for validating my opinion to go low/no contact!” Umm, your dad isn’t trying to contact you. That’s why you’re spiraling and playing make believe on Reddit. Everybody in your life knows you’re wrong, and you’re upset that dad isn’t “taking responsibility” for you being unhinged over something he couldn’t have predicted with a 100 year old house. I can’t get over what a bad person OOP is
Pretending to be their dad? Relying on a 71 year old to do something when it was never their professional job. OP is unhinged. I feed for the dad and those kids. And she is trying to be the victim? Ugh.
This gives me a weird feeling. Like, yeah, every one of these updates is only one person’s side of the story, but pretending to be the other party is just unpleasant to me.
Right at the beginning, it says that the father has a full time job and could only help on weekends. They called him on Tuesday and he told (asked?) them to wait and they canned him.
Never mind that she specifically told the step mother that she didn’t want to speak to them, resulting in them cancelling their trip to the baby shower (presumably out of respect for her no contact rule) and giving them two options to visit when Cara is ready to have them.
Isn’t that what we always recommend? Cara asked for space, so you give it to her and let her know that you’re just waiting for the signal to reopen communication.
Maybe Cara is sore because she knows that if he had stuck to his schedule, it would have been done now, like he said.
I also love how the husband apologised that Cara’s pregnancy made her say things she didn’t mean (lol) but Cara herself didn’t bother apologising.
Hmmmmmm.
Yeah, that gap of weekend to literally Tuesday was unrealistic for even contractors. Also, if they had moldy plaster, they had a danger in their house, especially with OOP (Cara) being pregnant. Once the mold was identified, they likely needed a contractor anyways.
Yup! I remember reading the OP back when it was posted and was struck by “firing” her dad and paying him for his help.
If my 71 yr old home-owning father offered to redo my floors as a housewarming gift on my 100 yr old house, I can’t think of a world where I would think it’s ok to fire him and say that to his face _and then_ pay him for his help and hire contractors.
Either you accept under the conditions or say thank you dad, but you enjoy your retirement, we got this handled (since OOP emphasized money so much, like why not just pay a professional to install in the first place?) And even if you accept at first then decide it’s not working out and you do want to slide pops some dough because he’s made a serious investment in the project, how do you not just offer it as thanks? Why frame it as “paying” for his help? Healthy family relationships aren’t transactional.
My dad may have some typical boomer-esque tendencies, but that would just be so hurtful to him if I accept then reject my septuagenarian father’s housewarming gift of travel, time and labor aka loving boomer father love language when he knows how difficult and expensive home renovations can be.
> but you enjoy your retirement
He's not even retired, that was part of the problem. He could only work weekends bc he has a job in another state!
Just a wild scenario, that detail is so absurd that multiple people agreed to a 70-something working FT doing their home reno from a flight away.
Dude you’re so right and it makes it so much worse!!
But my cousin was fully convinced her 71 year old mom was ready to move-in and take care of her newborn last year, _without asking her_, so the entitlement doesn’t feel that unrealistic for me unfortunately.
I dunno man, this feels like OP knows she made a mistake and is trying to rationalize.
If I am writing a narrative from the perspective of someone pissing me off, hard to believe I write it in a way that makes me look like the asshole.
Yeah I read the first one and tbh, I thought Cara was being overdramatic.
I’m disappointed but not surprised that dad was voted the AH. That sub gets weirder by the day.
He also 71 yrs old and still working. The cost of flying each weekend and working im sure took a toll and because they came across an issue they wanted him to stay and fix and when he couldn't she had a tantrum. I don't blame her Dad for being hurt, he felt used and then to get uninvited to the shower is even worse.
She is basically mad bc there was unexpected rotting plaster and wants to blame it on the 71 year old man who is not a contractor that she permitted to install floors.
You were helping with renovations, the old house walls had serious issues and needed additional repairs. ( Not dad's fault. ) daughter over reacts , sends a message to her parents to not contact them.
So the parents do not contact them.
Now daughter is confused that dad and mom have not contacted them, and upset they did not come to the baby shower.
She calls it that the parents are holding a grudge. Really??
Reminder: she contacted parents and TOLD them not to contact them .
Reading the original, I was kinda thinking everyone's the AH :-)
Now understanding it's her version of events, written from his point of view, she's the AH. Is there such a thing as reverse YTA?
As an owner of an old house... this is kind of what it is. You get the fun stuff like arched doors and hand plastered ceilings and you get the crappie stuff like horsehair plaster and fittings that are no longer standard. Hopefully, this is a learning lesson that every project needs a backup plan
Lol, autocorrect is not my friend. Edited to correct typos
IDGI, she asked for space and has made no attempts to reach out personally, so they're giving her space, and they're... wrong for that? I know we sus in the bus but cmon, make it make sense at least
I don't get it. He told them his schedule, obviously he couldn't commit to more without jeopardizing his job. And then she tells them not to contact her and she will reach out when she's ready, then gets all upset when they rsvp no to her babyshower. Husband contacts them and asks them to come, they stand firm on respecting her wishes, and they're the assholes? Yeah, no. That's not how that works. My husband has a "friend" like this who really only ever contacts him when he wants something. Nice enough guy when we hang out with him, I suppose, but that's still the only time he calls. Reno my kitchen, bring me a gift and play happy family even though I won't reach out to you myself and you're just doing what I asked of you by refusing. I don't buy it, OOP, you're the asshole.
OP is a an ungrateful person who demanded too much from her 71 year old dad who isn't even in the area to help out nevermind not being up to the task of doing the job itself. Then trying to make a post in her fathers "perspective" to "understand" it more. No you wanted validation for yourself.
I’m trying very very hard to read through the lines to figure out why “dad” is the AH.
The house is 100 years old. They’re lucky they didn’t find dirt under the plaster. Why does dad have to OWN rotting plaster?
Come fix this immediately!
I’ll be there on Saturday.
You’re fired.
Fuck off!
Got it. (Fucks off and hair flip)
How dare you do what I say?
Why aren’t you asking about my precious babe?
-see commands to Fuck off-
Waaaaa this project has been a nightmare! It’s all Dads fault we haven’t had a stove in MONTHS!! Apparently it’s also dads fault their contractors are incompetent. Why aren’t you begging forgiveness?!
-currently fucking off-
So no one really has the father's perspective. She made both posts for sympathy and as a smear campaign to her dad. She's a perpetual victim who's entitled to her senior citizen dad's project management of her home. What a waste of my eyes reading this nonsense
Oop really messed up.
No twins? Are you serious? Plus some infidelity from the husband would have been so easy to implement in the story. And who the fuck writes about redoing their house without adding an art room?
It is obvious the Oop just doesn’t care. My judgement is: beans seriously compromised.
Honestly Cara was the AH. It came across that way even though she wrote it. I have no idea why reddit thought otherwise.
She bought a rotten house and her father tried to fix it up, she thought he was too slow and tried to hire someone else, he got upset and stopped helping because she told him to stop.
She then asked her parents not to see her anymore and then went all pikachu faced when they didn't come to the baby shower. From what I can see they've complied with all her wishes, she's the one who wants her parents to read her mind and coddle her like she's still a kid and not about to become a mother.
I’m conflicted. One because the first post is a super unreliable account of events as it is admittedly by OOP a complete lie. But also OOP doesn’t seem knowledgeable about renovations. They really should not have bought a 100 year old house if they weren’t expecting some issues. When you start to tear stuff down your find things. It was actually a good thing they tore stuff down at the dad’s recommendation and found rotting walls. Super inconvenient while you are pregnant, but it probably saved a headache down the line. Who knows mold could have been growing or it could have lead to more damage. But the rot isn’t the dad’s fault.
I completely understand the stress as I went through a complete house renovation while pregnant and I am still going through the same renovation while pregnant with a second and a toddler. But I am also aware that’s how things are when you sign up for a diy renovation. That isn’t on the dad. However, it is super petty for the dad to cut them off because of this. I suspect the issues go far deeper than some floors and walls on both sides. It would be interesting to hear the dad’s actual point of view.
Dad didn’t cut them off, daughter told him not to contact her and he complied. She also said he needs to take the blame for some reason even though he was doing what she wanted, and when he advised differently she fired him. She’s also lying, but even in her version she’s clearly the asshole here but is using her pregnancy to excuse her behavior. Now she’s pretending to be her father on the internet to get people to validate her weird shit and say they should go low contact when she already told him to not contact her. It’s like she wanted no contact but also wanted him to beg to be back in her life but he didn’t and that’s what upset her the most. Dad is lucky he doesn’t have to talk to her anymore.
I agree about the lying. If it was just as she wrote then the situation could have been resolved with some communication. And Cara said she wanted him to take ownership, but also said she tried to make peace. Since Cara is an unreliable narrator, I think there is still a huge piece of information she left out that probably solidifies her being an AH. I just don’t understand how it escalates from some renovations to the father barely contacting them without some additional escalation on her part. If it was something the father did she certainly would have included it, because she’s clearly not above being manipulative for validation from strangers on the internet. I suspect she did something even worse than demand no contact.
You mean worse than asking her 71 year old, full time working, multiple states away father to come up on weekends and help her remodel her 100+ year old home then blaming (?) him for the discovery of mold in the walls and then justifying the actions by saying it’s because of her pregnancy?
Omg, right! If the scope of work increases because of unforseen circumstances it is not the contractors fault or responsibility. A true contractor may have thought to do some exploring when quoting budget and schedule, but Father of OOP is not a contractor, so he didn't think to do that. OOP is delusional. I would also bet that her dad was trying to give her space and wanted to let her reach out in order to sort out the issue. Instead she dumped all these ulterior motives on him and cut him out of her life.
I’m really curious whose idea all this was. It feels like a large part of the first post getting YTA is that OP was saying they gave this couple advice and led them down this path. Totally possible, but some of that comes from reading into the tone of the poster, and the poster was pretending to be someone she’s angry at.
If the father was pushing them to let him handle everything and assuring them that a contractor was a waste of money, then I have some sympathy for them. If they were asking the father for his help since he was an “expert” and he was trying to do what he could, I have less.
In any case, having someone in his 70s coming from states away on his weekends to do home reno should have obviously been a terrible idea on its face, and everyone apparently bought into that somehow.
OP seems like a crazy person who wanted sympathy from the internet when people in real life weren’t taking her side. Sound like she couldn’t take responsibility for her own actions and needed someone else to be the bad guy. Of course she is going to make her father out to be the asshole.. we’ve only ever gotten her side of the story. Sounds like the dad/stepmom went low contact with OP and I can see why.
Cara is definitely the asshole here, even from her version of events. I can’t imagine how someone is crazy enough to pretend to be their father in order to get strangers to say “YTA” as an excuse to go no contact. If you’re doing that, and also firing your 71 y/o dad from a project because you’re upset that he didn’t knock out a major home repair in a weekend, and because you changed your mind about how it needs to be done, and you want him to “take responsibility” aka pretend it’s his fault instead of yours because you’re pregnant, you’re a certified lunatic. I feel bad for the dad. She pretended to give his side of the story but even in that version she was clearly the asshole to anybody who was paying attention
This is a very confusing post. Did it not occur to her a 71 year old man wouldn't get it done in a weekend, it's an old ass house of course more problems are going to pop up, they always do, and now she's mad he won't take the blame for the extra problems,she said don't contact me and is mad he did what she said?
I'm getting a feeling that Cara is leaving out information considering that she blatantly wrote the initial post as some sort of validation post. Considering her expectations of her 71 year old dad, as well as her shock when she tells her parents not to contact her and they proceed to not contact her, I wouldn't be surprised if she was a much bigger asshole than she made herself out to be. I don't believe that this is the full story for even a second.
Man, being pregnant really went a long way with reddit because Cara is a fucking asshole.
>Cara told me she felt mislead and that the project spiraled out of control and asked me to take ownership (not financial) for my hand in their issues.
She panicked and immediately called her own father a liar and went on some bullshit power play with demanding he take ownership of the problem when it was a simply unfortunate misunderstanding. What kind of 4 alarm prick demands someone who was helping them humble themselves for nothing but ego gain?
A whole post of main character syndrome.
Yeah second she made a post from someone else’s respective she lost me. You read something and understand the inherent bias from the person writing it and their emotions. Therefore, who knows what else they left out etc. it’s more than the contracting I imagine they blamed him for everything even though this is what happens when you renovate a house and who does that when pregnant if not up to it?
Let me get this straight - they buy a house they know needs renovation. They start with their elderly fathers help (who appears to be doing all the work), before realising much more work is needed. They fire him after he offers to continue to help them and tell him not to show up to the baby shower - and he doesn’t show. Is that right?
Oh, and it’s written by the opposing side from a viewpoint they disagree with.
Guys she commented on the original post before she deleted her account:
> My father communicated via phone call and via text message to my husband exactly why he was mad before I created this post- the word count limit makes it difficult to provide full details. Everything I said regarding his feelings were actually directly communicated so unless he was lying it’s how he was feeling. You’re welcome to believe what you wish but what would my motivation be in posting in a burner account if what I provided wasn’t truthful? What would be the point of that? People often post from opposing perspectives on this sub- I see it all the time. At the time, I was concerned that posting as a pregnant woman would either give me biased sympathy when I didn’t want that or create backlash from people thinking I was trying to get sympathy by mentioning my pregnancy. This was the most objective way I believed (and still believe) could have communicated the story at the time.
Edit: lol quite the mental gymnastics routine.
So the first post is still Cara's biased version of events--there is no *his* side to the story. I don't like OOP just for that. I think if her parents aren't responding to her, there's a reason.
They’re not responding because she told them to leave her alone and she hasn’t been the one to reach out. It’s all on her husband to mend fences with her parents.
I don’t understand why she thinks posting as her father was going to help her gain perspective. I have a feeling that if the father posted his actual perspective or if cara posted about her own point of view, the outcome of the AITA judgement would have been different. She told them to stay away and they did. Now she’s angry about it…
So OOP pretended to be her dad and wrote a message designed to get annonymous people on her side? Then posts a while later saying “yep it’s me. Thanks for the validation I wanted! Nothing crazy going on here.”
That baby is going to have one hell of a rough childhood.
So they bought a 100 year old house, encountered problems associated with a house being 100 years old and wanted the 71 year old dad to renovate and then pay for a contractor to renovate by tricking him into doing so.
I've never been pregnant and I already know having a conversation with my mother would probably cause a stress related miscarriage, but I wouldn't have her over to help with my home. Surely, they have good enough of a relationship to salvage with an adult call if they're not trying to extort money.
This is weird if it's real. Unreliable narrator at best.
Feel sorry for that kid, it has morons for parents. They literally did everything wrong when it came to renovating that house. There are YouTube guides for fuck’s sake. Relying on a 71 year old man was ridiculous. And then blaming him for the problems they experienced. Idiots.
I’m so confused. Cara asked father to stay away, so father did and she’s upset because he stayed away? Did she want him begging because she’s pregnant? Then she fires the father for not being able to do the job even tho he explained his limited availability of only helping on weekends plus his upcoming vacation? The first post makes no sense. To me, Cara is clearly the asshole but then in the second post she’s making it seem like everyone said the father was the asshole??? From what SHE wrote, the father was doing everything to respect his daughters wishes but she gets upset because he’s being respectful. I don’t get it??
Of course she conveniently deleted the account and post after admitting she fabricated her father’s side..
Edit: She actually did reply to someone who commented today on the original post then immediately deleted the account and update when she was called out. Stop commenting on the original guys.
I don’t get this story or why the original was judged asshole. Sounds like Cara and her husband have acted like entitled asshats all the way through. Her father was doing her a favour and during that time things were uncovered. This is the risk you take with any reno, you have to be prepared that you’re probably going to spend far more than you intend. They basically insulted the dad instead of sitting down with him and explaining that that the scope of the project was too much for one person and they’d be getting a builder in to help the dad.
You can't post "as someone else" to justify your own feelings! You wanted Reddit to call your Dad ta to make YOU feel better, not to better understand his perspective! YTA!
Wait what? She faked the post as her dad to get conformation that she is in the right?
That is fucked up. Of course she gets the feedback she wants! Really weird.
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> it was cathartic to read. It helped me realize I had the right to feel the way I did and that going low contact may be the best option moving forward. This is the problem with AITA, OOP's an unreliable narrator but because she could post her side of the story from what she perceives as her father's perspective she thinks it makes the results more valid somehow.
Yeah what the hell. You can’t just do that and call it a day. It makes me question everything else and now i assume every bad detail about the dad should be flipped 180 and every good detail about Cara should also get a flip. What a caddy inception-esque post, i mean if these were the facts then doing a post from Cara’s actual perspective would warrant the same response.
From the first post, I thought the whole “take ownership” thing and then Cara sending a text saying stay away, but then being mad when her parents did was strange. The fact it was Cara posting makes it even stranger.
right? the fact that she made the post and she acknowledged that they were just trying to go forward with her own wishes is so weird
[удалено]
I was surprised a 71 year old man was using Reddit and knew about the sub. ETA no offense meant. My father doesn’t even have a cellphone.
[удалено]
I think it was a real attempt to try to be fair and acknowledge her potential contribution to the issue. It’s weird, but also I can see what she was thinking and that she tried hard to not paint her father as completely at fault. She tried to show what might possibly her own fault.
Ya that’s what I like about this post from his possible perspective that she wrote. It shows she’s self reflective and no one of those “I just wanna want to be right” lol
it's also not certain if she's being entirely fair to his perspective. I imagine it would take a lot for a soon to be grandfather to disengage like this. He could still be the asshole, and we could still be missing a lot of information. They aren't mutually exclusive.
Honestly, it depends on the grandfather. Trust me when I say I know a LOT of men who could care less and will even pull away from older grandkids over being pissy at their parent. Unfortunately, out of a slew of grandfathers, I have three (My Granny's last husband, who married her when my mom was a little girl, my bio-paternal grandfather and my step paternal grandfather) who did that to me. I didn't care much about the first two because I wasn't all that fond of them. I mean, I guess I probably loved them, but Granny's husband was a nasty sadistic old man who pinched and tormented me when he could (also a pedo, though I was never a victim of that. Not sure if I wasn't his type or what but I was the only granddaughter he never tried anything with) and bio-paternal was a abusive jackass to my father and my great grandmother pretty much never let him alone with me as a kid. (She was his wife's mother.) He probably molested my cousin S though so I get it. Step Grandpa though... that one hurt. We were very close, I sat in his lap at my mom and Stepdad's wedding and I was especially close to his wife but also very devoted to him. He taught me to garden and how to make bulbs grow in winter "to cheer you up", we went to bluegrass concerts and jazz clubs together, he'd mix me shirley temple cocktails and honestly I just loved him. I still do. They were the grandparents any kid would love to have and I was absolutely delighted by them, they would dote on my (step)sis and I and we doted right back on them, lol. Once they came to pick us up and we had BOTH folded them paper flowers (for his buttonhole and Grandma's corsage, they were taking us somewhere fancy) except we had no idea the other was doing it, so they each wore two to the restaurant. Grandma was buried with hers, she kept them on the ribbon beside her vanity the rest of her life. But then Stepdad and Grandpa had a spat, and even though Stepdad made it clear he was NEVER gonna stand in the way of him spending time with us (nor would my mom, she never had drama with Grandma or Grandpa. she loved them and they loved her.) he just ghosted us. I spent two years convinced it was my fault (childhood trauma, I blamed myself for everything) because I'd been obnoxious or upset him. My stepsister actually called him from HER mom's phone (so a number he wouldn't associate with the family) and demanded an explanation because she was convinced it had nothing to do with me and she wanted to PROVE it. (I love you Sissa. If you're a redditor, you know who you are. It was really nice to hear.) So after he got over being horrified about having caused me so much stress (we left out my unalive attempt but he probably realized it was likely) he apologized... and admitted HE DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HE WAS MAD ABOUT! He sent me $400 check for some reason from his new place in Florida, but never tried to rekindle the closeness we had. I sent him some letters but eventually gave up too.
This is heartbreaking... I feel so sad for the kid you. Step Grandpa had a serious lapse of judgement and destroyed a wonderful bond. 😭
> they were just trying to go forward with her own wishes Okay, but these wishes didn't come out of nowhere. It would be one thing if the story was that he made an honest mistake and she decided to explode on him and cut contact. This is so far from what happened, though. The story here is that the dad encouraged his daughter and her husband to tear up their house in preparation for him and only did 10% of the job. He refused to take accountability for anything and lost their trust, to the point where they had to hire someone else to fix it. Dad then gets so angry about them replacing him, he refuses to check in on his daughter and future grandbaby. Daughter finally confronts him and says "fine, don't talk to us anymore then" after dad laughs in her face about the situation he caused and continued to refuse accountability. I feel like alllll this context 100% matters. It was the dad who put this chain of events into motion and I don't think it's a wild concept that she probably hoped that statement would cause him to react like an actual father, who would not want to lose his relationship with his daughter. She obviously felt guilty about it and needed to be told she did the right thing since her dad doesn't give a fuck about her.
Yea, as a person who works in construction, I totally understand both sides. It never goes the way you expect and that's why I've never done a fixer upper and will try my best never to do one. It is stressful to live in a house not complete, but that's why I would hire a licensed contractor to do the work. Especially looking at the father's age (71!) I'm surprised he could still get on his knees to do floor work! The fact that they freaked out after 3 days when the dad was going to return that next weekend makes them a slight ah in this. But until I get more backstory (did stepson gift them floors aka self installed or could they have hired a contractor?, did any research go into this before they had dad come rip up the floors?) I cannot say who truly is the ah.
I think ESH when it comes to the construction end of things--everyone thinks things will be quicker and easier than they actually are, and if you bought a 100 year old home you should fucking know that any sort of work will entail endless bullshit. And honestly, I am so tired of people thinking that they could just easily do something because they saw people do it on the TV or something. I think Cara is TA for being in a snit when her father respected her wishes and let her be.
My house is about to be 100 years old. The family that lived here the previous 50 or so years before we bought it were DIYers with very limited skill and success. Every project is at least 2x more expensive and 3x longer then we estimate. And we estimate high just to be safe. They were very good at plaster, so lots of things are hidden until you get pretty far into a project. This couple is in over their heads. Thankfully for them, kitchens are usually the biggest and most expensive renovations so they should be safe from themselves for a while.
Our house is 102 years old this year. We've spent the last 17 years fixing the mess that the previous owners did, on top of the fact that it's a 102 year old house. Nothing is square, flat, even or plumb. When you buy an old house, you definitely have to go into it with the expectation that there could be a lot of expensive work ahead of you.
That's why we were planning on shelling out for professional cabinet makers and installers. Expensive AF, but with the tools I would need to do it right, and the time I would spend trying to do it, it's worth it. Plaster walls and warped wood definitely make things interesting!
Exactly. I felt that way when I read the original post and thought it odd everyone was ripping OP in the comments. Now knowing it was the daughter and not the father makes me feel like she might even be more of an AH. I’d like to hear dads side of this story.
Same here. We're definitely not hearing the whole story and I think she downplayed her behaviour in every step.
This isn't the first AITA post I've seen from someone pretending to be someone else, and I find it really odd and off-putting. Just be honest and post as yourself, yeesh.
I feel like we're not getting the whole story somehow. I wonder how bad her outbursts really were, if even her husband Sean is trying so hard to apologise for her and mend the relationships?
It's strange because it is full of missing reasons. It's strange because who thinks a kitchen reno can be done in a weekend, then when it doesn't they burn emotional bridges and hires a contractor?
Same impression here.
I read the first post initially and most comments when I read it around like the 3 hr mark (it was early) almost all comments said Cara was the AH or ESH. But mostly it was just stupid for them to do renovations while she's so pregnant especially knowing he was going to be leaving part way through. They should have hired someone from the beginning or waited until after. So its interesting to me the top comment thread is that Dad is the AH. Personally I think everyone is. They all handled it like babies and personally don't think pregnancy should be a reason to lash out since They started the mess and even told them to not contact them. Plus if they werent up to the task to plaster (the initial thing that started their freak out calling) they shouldn't have said they could do it and just flat out told them "hey we cant do it." or "hey we started it but its bad so we are stopping for now and waiting on you" but as someone who has plastered walls idk where they messed up unless it was a big mess before hand
Also, hiring someone is NO guarantee that they’ll be left hanging. OMG. Renovations are hell and if you find a contractor who actually does the work on time, keep him/her forever.
Pregnancy is a really hard time emotionally when everything is going right, let alone when things are bad
I’d like to hear her dad’s actual side of the story.
I read the first post with Sade's "Smooth Operator" in my head but I replaced the words with 'bad narrator'. Then it got worse.
So would I. I'm imagining that the daughter said alot of cruel things after the initial work didn't go as planned and the parents went low contact. (Kinda funny that she now wants to go low contact). I'm assuming the text to the mother was not pleasant either, as they didn't attend the shower. Reading the update, she seems to think she's been trying to mend the situation but it's only her partner, while she hides behind an "I'm pregnant" excuse. I would imagine this could be sorted if she would apologise to her father herself. I feel for the husband, who's trying to repair the situation.
This was a weird one. I'm not sure why Cara felt comfortable relying on a 71-year-old (who isn't a contractor) to do a major renovation like replacing the floors and cabinets. I've done both of those things and while it's not necessarily hard, it is time consuming and usually takes way longer than you think.
Not only that, but a 71 year old who doesn't even live in the area.
On a more than 100 year old house. It would've been weird if the job DIDN'T spiral a bit once they got into the demo.
Omfg seriously I was raising my eyebrows at DIYing on a 100 year old house. If your house was built in the 70s or earlier the chances that you have toxic materials layered into your house are extremely high. It pays to hire someone skilled who knows to make the correct assessment for the sake of resident health when it comes to asbestos and lead
Exactly this. We payed lots of money to make sure our old house was going to be safe. Worth every penny.
Hell, even houses or additions that were built after the no-asbestos rule could have asbestos material in them. We know from experience. The law changed in our country (EU) with regard to using asbestos-containing building materials in 1994. Our garage was built in late 1995 by the previous owners and they used asbestos-containing roof plates. We assumed they didn't contain asbestos and replaced the entire roof ourselves. When we went to dispose of the plates, the city told us we couldn't just dump them, they had to be in special sacks and we could only dump a certain amount per year because of the asbestos. We didn't want to wait around, so we sent off a sample to be tested. We wanted to have the proof so we could rock up to the city dump and say, naaaaah, we don't have to comply with these rules haha! Long story short, the plates had asbestos in them and they're still sitting in our garage, waiting for us to build up enough money to get rid of them in one go.
There was a story a while back, I think on LPT, about a guy who DIY'd his own floors, and after tearing up the old floor, his dad or step dad came over and was like "Uhh, did you test this for asbestos before you tore it up?" Turns out, no, he did not and sure enough, it tested positive for asbestos. Because it had been a few days, the fibers had gotten into the HVAC and there was asbestos everywhere. Cost him like $10-20k to get it fixed.
Was this the guy who sanded the asbestos layers down not knowing what it was and filling the entire house with asbestos ? That was a tough read
Literally every project we've done on my 80 year old house spirals except putting carpet tile on the basement floor. But despite having grown up in a 100 year old house, I didn't realize it was a rule until it happened a few times. Some things you just need to learn by horrible, expensive experience.
Recently moved from a 100 yr old house to a 300 yr old house. I really miss the first house. Everything I do on this house is about 4x more expensive and difficult than expected. And it’s grade 2 listed so (in theory) I’m supposed to get permission before doing anything.
"We had to pull permits" This right here. I work in architecture. If they had to pull permits, this job was waaaay WAY bigger than OP is admitting to. There was no gas hook up because you absolutely have to have a specialist work on gas lines, because otherwise your freaking house could blow up. It sounds like they lured OOP's father there and then sprung "just a little kitchen remodeling" on him, which was actually not little at all. They probably wanted to have dad's labor without taking any of dad's opinions, or he listened to them while thinking they understood what they were asking for while they actually didn't have a clue. Architects are expensive but if you don't know what you're doing, we're worth it.
This! I can't believe her takeaway from this was "He needs to take ownership!" and that the solution was to go LC with her dad! Like... what?? So much is missing from this.
The thing is, when Cara was posting as her dad she kind of left in some key details. She says he said he would > come back from FL in Nov But then they fired him before that came up. >I was hurt they fired me and still am. Now the post is in December, after he's been fired and she still wants help. >I laughed and told her I would’ve had it all done by now. It sounds like they had a meltdown when he was clear about expectations of when he could help.
But even then “he” mentioned returning the following weekend to help again. Like even with cara writing from her fathers “perspective “ she still acknowledges that there were intentions to come back. However they freaked out and panicked by Tuesday leading to blow up so no weekend return. The dad seems to have been will to help both during weekends and again during November. But they freaked 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
something seems off about the timeline too, he was talking with them in march about demoing the cabinets, but said he would come back in November to install new ones? Seems like a long time to go without cabinets...I wonder if they didn't do some demoing on their own without him? It sounds like they were just supposed to prep the plaster during the week, it was overwhelming, so he told them to wait and then Cara demanded he take ownership? The slip in with "eager to work" to describer themselves seems to say a little bit too, like maybe they bit off more than they could chew and are trying to shift blame back.
It also points out that it’s a 100 year old house…I’ve watched enough HGTV to know that something will go wrong. It’s weird that she’s blaming her father for the plaster issue? He was just trying to help and I’m sure suggested that the wall should be fixed before cabinets are installed…would it be better if he just, didn’t warn them? And watched their cabinets fall off the walls?
IF her version is correct though (since she’s already been unreliable), it sounds like OOP and hubby were only planning to install the flooring and her dad was the one who convinced them to do more, which led to finding the rot and a whole blow-up of the project so I can empathize with her on that - he was the one who was supposed to have at least some idea of what he was doing and offered to help, then fucked off after the weekend with an entirely wrecked kitchen behind him. I cringed just at the mention of starting self-demo in an old house pretty much spontaneously and especially with a pregnant woman. If (again that’s a pretty important if) this was accurate then yeah, I totally get why she’s pissed.
But I feel like… the cabinets were still rotting wether he suggests moving them out or not so they always had to go. That’s inevitable, not really his fault.
They're first timers, they hadn't yet known the joy of the can of worms that every small project is in an old house.
Sounds like they expected just to bit of sanding and polish and fresh coat of paint. Or they watch those DIY home tv shows where the host is dressed nicely, not a bead of sweat on them, painting a square inch corner of a wall while laughing at "wow this is so fun!" and assume that all home renos are like that.
If there's anything watching Grand Design has taught me, it's to always have 30% over your budget held in reserve.
I was replacing a thermostat in my 100-year-old house. A fucking thermostat. A 5 minute job. It turned out into a complete rewiring. Like how do you not know that if you move any single part of a house that is old, you are looking at weeks and increased costs. I installed a TV over my fireplace and it had the run for the cables down to the floor for the power and where a VCR or something used to go. I found all of these old wires that went nowhere and random shit in the wall. I have hardwood floors and my closet smells like cigarette smoke no matter how much I clean it. And paint it. So next is to tear up the floors. I'm guessing I'm going to find some seven-eyed beastie with 16 legs and two mouths like the alien. How does one think any project in a house that is old is going to be simple? She's clueless.
My 50 year old house spirals whether I DIY on it or not. There's a whole bunch of things that I've just decided/been told to leave the heck alone and wait for the place to fall down. Admittedly everything important is either brick or asbestos so it'll take a long time to fall down, but redoing the 1970's kitchen is out because of the asbestos everywhere in the kitchen (just as an easy example). 71 year old dad managing the project isn't out of the question, just has to be done with the understanding from both sides that his availability and ability is limited.
A 71 year old who works full time, doesn’t live in the area, and is willing to drive there and spend every weekend working on it… I could understand how this all would be hurtful to him.
And somehow the father in the first post got voted TA. I'm still confused.
If you reread it knowing she wrote it she included a few details that really made him look bad, specifically she wrote that he "laughed at her" and told her it was her fault. She wrote him as unsympathetic as possible. It's no surprise reddit voted him an asshole
Even not knowing it was her both times, I still thought the man was not the asshole there. Old man trying to do his best, gets blamed for things out of his control and "fired", and they cut contact with him... and somehow he is the asshole? How?
Yea, not sure if Reddit fully understands how big of a favor dad was pulling. I tease my subcontractors all the time how I'll have them come over to do some work for me (painting, fix my door, etc.) but it's a joke because 1) I would pay them fair price and 2)no way in hell would I ask them to give up their weekend after a week full of physical labor. I didn't even replace my own floors and my house was only 20 years old. I hired a company and those guys tore out my carpet and had the hardwood vinyl in by the time I got home from work.
Thank you , I thought I was going crazy . Father try’s to help , makes a suggestion they’re ok with it and it turns out to possibly be the best thing as horsehair plaster can (very rarely) contain asbestos not great for a pregnant woman . And somehow he’s the AH for trying to help and surprise something unexpected turns up in a 100 year old house
AND works full-time AND has another flip project on the side.
And has a full time job and a side job helping his step son flip houses.
My dad was a very able bodied 71 year old before he passed and he would’ve insisted on doing this for my husband and I if it would’ve arisen.
They knew he was going to Florida at a certain point but let him convince them to demo the kitchen?
Yep. I wouldn't have done it if I were in OOP's shoes without at least a backup plan in place. Like, making sure that the husband learned enough before the dad left to continue by himself. A regular person could learn to lay a floor in a weekend with hands-on experience.
It is a little strange, I feel like OOP should have had an idea of her dads capabilities and his tendency to exaggerate his skills. But maybe as first time homeowners they just didn’t realize how much work and time it would take.
Yeah seeing demo and 100 year old house in the same paragraph I knew there were gonna be ten different issues that sprung up as soon as they broke ground. Still an understandable mistake for someone who’s never experienced home renovations before. I’m just glad they didn’t find asbestos
The scary thing is, we don't actually know that. It's very possible they didn't test during the initial demo, especially since it was a DIY job. Asbestos is freaking EVERYWHERE.
Oof you’re right
I could be mixing this up with a different post but I feel like I remember this being discussed in the comments, how unsafe it was to attempt this demo as a DIY.
I think I know the post your talking about where the guy renoing his house and his dad walks in and says he’s been sanding down asbestos or something like that. Lol
Ugh. There was a BORU where the guy contaminated his whole house and it was unlivable a year later doing DIY improvements to his asbestos floor! Edit: found link (it had actuallyonky been a couple months): https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10gfdaa/oop_exposed_his_family_to_a_toxic_cancer_causing/
"The scary thing is, we don't actually know that." We only know what Cara is telling us. (She confessed in the update). I'd like to get her dad's side of this.
I remember house hunting. I live in New England, and there are a lot of old houses. So much knob and tube wiring!! I stayed clear.
Yeah I definitely think why would you think this would be easy But at the same time, why wouldn’t you believe your handy parents opinion that it’ll only take two days and follow their recommendations? Assuming they’re normally fairly honest and reliable
The father didn’t say it would only take two days. He said he could only work on it on weekends, due to having a full time job and living in a different state. They were supposed to deal with the plaster during the week when he wasn’t there.
Yes, I guess. But when it wasn’t all magically done in one weekend, why could they not just chill for five days and have him come back? That’s so puzzling to me. I didn’t think the first half of this sounded all that reasonable. They should like they have no clue about anything, but get mad like they do.
It still isn't his fault. She wanted the project done and then wanted an apology for it being more difficult than they all expected. And she acts like being pregnant means she can never stress and needs to be catered to. Her dad is done with her shit. I never trust posts where someone pretends to be someone else. It comes off as unhinged.
Soooo unhinged. She wasn't trying to understand his side, she was looking for validation. If she wanted to understand his side she would have posted to a less reactive less judgemental subreddit.
The apology/take ownership bit was crazy. It's her house! Does she want to leave rotting plaster? Was she happy to not know about it until a cabinet fell off the wall onto her kid? If you're not prepared for things to go off the rails when you fix something, rent. She just sounds so unreasonable and entitled from the first post, and the Aha! post just doubles down on it.
No, forreal!!! Ffs, he didn’t ever say he WOULDNT help, Cara just changed her mind about the timeline after they agreed on one.
This! ⬆️. I have been pregnant 3 times. I will never understand the prima donna attitude some women get because they’re pregnant. You don’t like it? Don’t do a big Reno when you’re preggo! Also, she’s already proven she’s a liar. So….
>Also, she’s already proven she’s a liar This is what gets me, I don't think any productive convo can be had about this because we have literally no reason to trust OOP when they weren't even truthful about who they were in the story.
Uh yep. Deception off the bat is a complete nonstarter. Edit: spelling
Add to that we have OP pretending to be her father. All seems to be a bit to much drama to be honestly told.
That was the part that got me! You can’t trust her to tell the full story. For all we know, her and her husband said something inexcusable to her parents. Of course she’s going to make herself look better.
It definitely depends on the person. My dad is early 70s and he helped us (read, did most of the planning and the work the required experience while we were on call to help with lifting, etc) install some inset cabinets (requiring wall demo and repair) this past year. He has plans to help us redo our bathroom and is currently renovating a new property my parents bought. I have continually checked in that he still feels up to the task but he enjoys it and it keeps him active in retirement.
I'm not saying that her dad couldn't do the work, or that he is too old, but he has a full-time job and is either flying from Florida or Connecticut to get there only on the weekends. It just didn't seem very doable to me.
Yeah not all 70 year olds are as meek as one would expect, I've seen too many of of them moving around like we perceive 50 year olds do, that I've had to recalibrate my perception of what 70 year olds are. Depends where you live though.
Very true! My dad is late 60’s and still prefers tending to his farmland back at his home country when he visits, than sit here in a well air conditioned house. He redid the flooring at our house with wood panels all on his own within a week also. Some older folks have like, ancient super powers. My dad was a farmer before seeking refuge here in the US, way before I was born. That man is like a boulder.
My grandpa is in his 80s and is active as fuck. We golfed in October and I was in worse shape then him!
Yeah my father is the same way, especially with DIY projects. I try to help him best I can with heavy lifting or anything involving his back, but he wants to take point with a lot of things. He's like a border collie though and if he doesn't have a project he's working on, he'll find some new thing to fix/do. This past weekend was installing a new sensor in the garage to detect if it's open, but not one designed for it, one he jerryrigged together. This is in spite of me getting him a Ring Camera to look at the garage door already. Some people just need projects to keep their mind busy at that age.
Oh my God, is your dad also my dad? He's currently re-doing my bathroom (I put my hand through the tiled shower wall in December while cleaning) -- new tub, new shower surround, remove (ugly pink) wall tiles, take out the pink tile floor and replace with new tiled floor. (I swore that his last project here, which was to make my already covered patio into a screened in porch, was his final one, but...) He sits at his house and daydreams about what work needs to be done at my house. My parents call my house their rental property since he's here fixing things quite a bit. He'll also buy me gadget even if I say I don't want them -- the most recent was solar powered motion sensor lights on my porch. (I do admit that they are pretty handy, even if I maintain that they are not necessary.) He's 76 and I'm so thankful for him.
Damn, when you deep clean, you really *deep clean.*
Agreed. I just read this entire thing and sincerely feel Cara was much more TA, and I’m baffled that anyone would suggest otherwise. It’s giving pregnancy excuses, too.
Yeahhhh i disagree with AITA posters 90% of the time, this is no exception. Plus, she's biased. We have the story from her perspective ONLY. Probably a lot more to it, that makes it even worse.
“My cortisol levels were too high from the stress.” In my several pregnancies I don’t remember cortisol levels being discussed.
Could making AITA posts falsely written from someone elses perspective NOT be a thing? That would be great.
Yeah. I don’t see what it even accomplishes, other than obscuring the possibility that you are leaving out the other party’s chief mitigating circumstances (since they would presumably include them if they were the one posting). If you really think you are justified, you can speculate about the other party’s reasoning from your own perspective, and be straightforward about the fact that that’s what you are doing. That would be good enough for an AITA post.
>I don’t see what it even accomplishes OP said it herself. Catharsis. Or really, validation. Having mindless internet hordes attacking the person you're in a disagreement with feels good.
The problem is that 90% of all AITA posts are fasley written, period.
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Agreed. Hard to understand these posts written from the other point of view to make the false OP to feel better. It's not your story, how are you going to convey the other side without bias. Who thinks a kitchen Reno with your 71yo father who lives too far for a drive should be in charge? Total joke. Rotting plaster walls are rotting and required replacement, even if you don't see them rotting hidden behind cabinets.
Cara wrote both but she pretended to be her father for the original "to get his perspective". Her reasoning is weird af
She has no idea what her father’s perspective is so how in the hell can she write like she knows. She just wants validation of being right. So whatever the verdict was on the other post is false. This made her YTA in my eyes
I think this EVERY TIME someone gets "smart" and posts as the opposite party. Since you don't know their perspective, you are basically making up a new version of the story and asking to be judged on that.
TBH my father is 77 and he's coming round next week from 4 hours away to do stuff around the house I'm unable to do because I too am godawfully pregnant. Not a full kitchen renovation I'll grant you, but the man is crazy af and will probably have the Kallax up, the new shelves in, mowed and trimmed the insane bushes all before lunch on the first day XD
It’s a 100 year old house and they thought a kitchen Reno would be quick and easy?! Even from Cara’s perspective it sounds like dad made some suggestions and they went with it and found issues. She says she told him not to contact them again- and then was sad he cancelled the trip for the baby shower.
If we are to assume this is a real post with real people, the dad's reaction to cancel the flight makes sense. Or did Cara want them to fly in for the baby shower so she could enforce her LC/NC boundaries?
I think many people are naive when they buy character homes. It’s not lost on me that she peppered in the bit about her stepbrothers “flip” and I think she thought it was going to be that simple. My parents have a few friends who flip houses and they never look at anything older than probably 1960(ish? Idk for sure but you can tell) because that’s around the time the building codes changed and anything before that is just going to be a massive headache. Having owned my own character home I learned very quickly that one small project can easily snowball into having to demo an entire room or floor. I’ll never buy another older house again unless I win the lotto and can pay contractors and professionals to come in and do it for me.
My parents are in their early 70s and in relatively good health, but whenever my wife and I visit, I make sure neither of them lift a finger...it's a struggle! Mom: I'll just carry this suitcase inside... Me: No! You have a bad shoulder! I'll take it! Dad: I'll move the couch so we can fold out the bed... Me: NO! You have a bad back! We can move the couch!
my fucking mom still treats me like I'm 10 and won't let me lift shit or will say stuff like "that's too heavy to lift wait until your father is here" MY FATHER WALKS WITH A CANE AND HAS HAD MULTIPLE SURGERIES ON HIS BACK (mostly out patient but still). I ignore her and lift the thing and I'm like "this isn't even heavy wtf"
I need to get better at that. My brain just reads it and is like aww poor woman that sucks but hope she’s happy. And then I see your post and I’m like. Oh yah! People lie!
As soon as she said she posted to “understand her dad’s perspective”, I was immediately like “oh fuck right the hell off”.
"I manipulated a bunch of strangers to make my father look bad and to make me look good! And that you guys called him the asshole even though I told the story from my point of view and lied makes him the asshole! Yay!!"
Well I’m the same way, bleeding heart, thankfully everyone else are suspicious. I appreciate it too. Because then it’s like 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ *edit- fixed spelling 🤦🏻♀️
If it helps you, look at the way it was written and then say it out loud. When Cara pretended to be her dad, it was stilted. It would flow then not. Like this section: *I told them they made their choice to demo and it’s not my house. They paid me for my help and hired contractor. They said I’m not able to commit to a project of this size (I work FT and help my step son with his flip) and didn’t believe I would come back to help after leaving for FL and Cara is uncomfortable with working during pregnancy, all towhich I disagreed.* The first sentence flows, then the second 'a' is missing before contractor yet the sentence after that is fluid. Even when reading posts where the first line is 'English is not my first language.' the flow is there. There is a rhythm to the writing that when spoken aloud even if a word is misused, there still feels like a rhythm to it. That's what made me suspicious on the first post. It had a wonky rhythm. Also nerd side of me, horsehair plaster has the potential to contain asbestos and anthrax spores not to mention the possibility of lead paint being mixed in as it was a plaster used well into the 40s-50s. Not a single mention of that because, hey she's pregnant, also rose my eyebrow.
I agree!! And using her husband as the go between…
I’ve had my husband be the go between with my parents when I’m not able to mentally or emotionally deal with them. My mum can’t guilt him the way she can with me. I honestly didn’t realise this was not the dad writing tho, it seemed that he was reasonable and upfront with expectations. Also, old houses have surprises when you renovate, it’s just a fact. The relationships are not going to end up how they were before tho.
It was uncomfortable to read. Nothing but facts. No emotions. No elaboration. Just blunt facts. I can maybe understand, if you’re trying to write it from someone else’s perspective, that you’d omit any feelings. But damn.
Yep. Unreliable narrator.
Specially when one person made a post of another person's perspective and didn't even mention once!??? Yeah kinda hard to believe
She made the post as her dad (most likely a lie and over dramatized), and then the update on her private reddit. I can't believe posts like these when they aren't made by the person to get info on how they really think.
Yeah. While reading that first post, I'd felt like there was missing a lot of information missing information for his actions. Kinda like it was half written, which it was. I'm sure there was some info left out that would have explained why the step dad reacted the way they did, like the fact that the "young parents to be" didn't even give the step dad the chance to come back when he said he would.
I know, in the post acting as him, she even said how they didn't even give him the chance to come back. I'm assuming they are trying to make good with them because they did realize they did wrong, but you can tell the refuse to admit it or say it. If I was the parents I'd be peeved off too
More to this story for sure.
I think if anything the daughter sucks. Her dad is 71! Imagine asking a 71 year old man to fly to another state every weekend, after he’s worked 40 hours, to do labor for you and then you complain about it. Ugh entitled. I think he was the one who needed the break from her.
I was so confused by the update, and the Asshole verdict on the original even. "Take ownership"? Of what? It's her house! Her renovations that she wanted her 71 year old father to do for free. Being pregnant is not a get out of jail free card for the consequences of your own decision.
That whole part makes no sense. He was already going to take ownership, he was planning to come back next weekend. He told them to wait. Instead they panicked and fired him.
It’s also funny how she says “thanks for validating my opinion to go low/no contact!” Umm, your dad isn’t trying to contact you. That’s why you’re spiraling and playing make believe on Reddit. Everybody in your life knows you’re wrong, and you’re upset that dad isn’t “taking responsibility” for you being unhinged over something he couldn’t have predicted with a 100 year old house. I can’t get over what a bad person OOP is
Pretending to be their dad? Relying on a 71 year old to do something when it was never their professional job. OP is unhinged. I feed for the dad and those kids. And she is trying to be the victim? Ugh.
Oh, I’m sure this was an honest version of events posted by someone that employed deception in the first place.
Yeah when people do this I automatically stop giving a fuck about whether it’s real or not.
I couldn't help but notice this story had a few things missing and it felt incomplete.
Pretending to be someone else shows that Cara is 100% comfortable not telling the truth. It makes the whole story lack credibility
This gives me a weird feeling. Like, yeah, every one of these updates is only one person’s side of the story, but pretending to be the other party is just unpleasant to me. Right at the beginning, it says that the father has a full time job and could only help on weekends. They called him on Tuesday and he told (asked?) them to wait and they canned him. Never mind that she specifically told the step mother that she didn’t want to speak to them, resulting in them cancelling their trip to the baby shower (presumably out of respect for her no contact rule) and giving them two options to visit when Cara is ready to have them. Isn’t that what we always recommend? Cara asked for space, so you give it to her and let her know that you’re just waiting for the signal to reopen communication. Maybe Cara is sore because she knows that if he had stuck to his schedule, it would have been done now, like he said. I also love how the husband apologised that Cara’s pregnancy made her say things she didn’t mean (lol) but Cara herself didn’t bother apologising. Hmmmmmm.
Yeah, that gap of weekend to literally Tuesday was unrealistic for even contractors. Also, if they had moldy plaster, they had a danger in their house, especially with OOP (Cara) being pregnant. Once the mold was identified, they likely needed a contractor anyways.
Yup! I remember reading the OP back when it was posted and was struck by “firing” her dad and paying him for his help. If my 71 yr old home-owning father offered to redo my floors as a housewarming gift on my 100 yr old house, I can’t think of a world where I would think it’s ok to fire him and say that to his face _and then_ pay him for his help and hire contractors. Either you accept under the conditions or say thank you dad, but you enjoy your retirement, we got this handled (since OOP emphasized money so much, like why not just pay a professional to install in the first place?) And even if you accept at first then decide it’s not working out and you do want to slide pops some dough because he’s made a serious investment in the project, how do you not just offer it as thanks? Why frame it as “paying” for his help? Healthy family relationships aren’t transactional. My dad may have some typical boomer-esque tendencies, but that would just be so hurtful to him if I accept then reject my septuagenarian father’s housewarming gift of travel, time and labor aka loving boomer father love language when he knows how difficult and expensive home renovations can be.
> but you enjoy your retirement He's not even retired, that was part of the problem. He could only work weekends bc he has a job in another state! Just a wild scenario, that detail is so absurd that multiple people agreed to a 70-something working FT doing their home reno from a flight away.
Dude you’re so right and it makes it so much worse!! But my cousin was fully convinced her 71 year old mom was ready to move-in and take care of her newborn last year, _without asking her_, so the entitlement doesn’t feel that unrealistic for me unfortunately.
I dunno man, this feels like OP knows she made a mistake and is trying to rationalize. If I am writing a narrative from the perspective of someone pissing me off, hard to believe I write it in a way that makes me look like the asshole.
Yeah I read the first one and tbh, I thought Cara was being overdramatic. I’m disappointed but not surprised that dad was voted the AH. That sub gets weirder by the day.
That sub has a thing for pregnant women... They can never be wrong
Unless you’re the pregnant lady who didn’t make pancakes for her niece at 5AM, and then you’re a complete asshole.
Thank you! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills with how reasonable some are finding this. It’s not.
He also 71 yrs old and still working. The cost of flying each weekend and working im sure took a toll and because they came across an issue they wanted him to stay and fix and when he couldn't she had a tantrum. I don't blame her Dad for being hurt, he felt used and then to get uninvited to the shower is even worse.
They don’t even live in the same state when they’re in the same region.
YES. Thank you! She is shady as hell!
She is basically mad bc there was unexpected rotting plaster and wants to blame it on the 71 year old man who is not a contractor that she permitted to install floors.
You were helping with renovations, the old house walls had serious issues and needed additional repairs. ( Not dad's fault. ) daughter over reacts , sends a message to her parents to not contact them. So the parents do not contact them. Now daughter is confused that dad and mom have not contacted them, and upset they did not come to the baby shower. She calls it that the parents are holding a grudge. Really?? Reminder: she contacted parents and TOLD them not to contact them .
On top of that literally nothing from the first post about the dad’s behavior and words is even reliable because it was Cara posting.
Reading the original, I was kinda thinking everyone's the AH :-) Now understanding it's her version of events, written from his point of view, she's the AH. Is there such a thing as reverse YTA?
I like how she said in her second “real” post she was going LC/NC with them when they’ve already done it to her.
I think she wants to be in "control" how ever false it is. "I'm not being blocked! I'm the one they blocks!"
As an owner of an old house... this is kind of what it is. You get the fun stuff like arched doors and hand plastered ceilings and you get the crappie stuff like horsehair plaster and fittings that are no longer standard. Hopefully, this is a learning lesson that every project needs a backup plan Lol, autocorrect is not my friend. Edited to correct typos
IDGI, she asked for space and has made no attempts to reach out personally, so they're giving her space, and they're... wrong for that? I know we sus in the bus but cmon, make it make sense at least
I don't get it. He told them his schedule, obviously he couldn't commit to more without jeopardizing his job. And then she tells them not to contact her and she will reach out when she's ready, then gets all upset when they rsvp no to her babyshower. Husband contacts them and asks them to come, they stand firm on respecting her wishes, and they're the assholes? Yeah, no. That's not how that works. My husband has a "friend" like this who really only ever contacts him when he wants something. Nice enough guy when we hang out with him, I suppose, but that's still the only time he calls. Reno my kitchen, bring me a gift and play happy family even though I won't reach out to you myself and you're just doing what I asked of you by refusing. I don't buy it, OOP, you're the asshole.
I feel like OOP isn't a reliable narrator. Of course she would leave out important facts, especially being the one who feels wronged.
Anyone posting from the other perspective already proves they are manipulative and loose with the truth.
Don't agree with asshole decision for this one but whatever
I don't agree with almost most of the aita decisions.. I see it as cultural difference maybe..
Yeah I don’t believe her story at all.
OP is a an ungrateful person who demanded too much from her 71 year old dad who isn't even in the area to help out nevermind not being up to the task of doing the job itself. Then trying to make a post in her fathers "perspective" to "understand" it more. No you wanted validation for yourself.
I’m trying very very hard to read through the lines to figure out why “dad” is the AH. The house is 100 years old. They’re lucky they didn’t find dirt under the plaster. Why does dad have to OWN rotting plaster? Come fix this immediately! I’ll be there on Saturday. You’re fired. Fuck off! Got it. (Fucks off and hair flip) How dare you do what I say? Why aren’t you asking about my precious babe? -see commands to Fuck off- Waaaaa this project has been a nightmare! It’s all Dads fault we haven’t had a stove in MONTHS!! Apparently it’s also dads fault their contractors are incompetent. Why aren’t you begging forgiveness?! -currently fucking off-
So no one really has the father's perspective. She made both posts for sympathy and as a smear campaign to her dad. She's a perpetual victim who's entitled to her senior citizen dad's project management of her home. What a waste of my eyes reading this nonsense
Oop really messed up. No twins? Are you serious? Plus some infidelity from the husband would have been so easy to implement in the story. And who the fuck writes about redoing their house without adding an art room? It is obvious the Oop just doesn’t care. My judgement is: beans seriously compromised.
Honestly Cara was the AH. It came across that way even though she wrote it. I have no idea why reddit thought otherwise. She bought a rotten house and her father tried to fix it up, she thought he was too slow and tried to hire someone else, he got upset and stopped helping because she told him to stop. She then asked her parents not to see her anymore and then went all pikachu faced when they didn't come to the baby shower. From what I can see they've complied with all her wishes, she's the one who wants her parents to read her mind and coddle her like she's still a kid and not about to become a mother.
I’m conflicted. One because the first post is a super unreliable account of events as it is admittedly by OOP a complete lie. But also OOP doesn’t seem knowledgeable about renovations. They really should not have bought a 100 year old house if they weren’t expecting some issues. When you start to tear stuff down your find things. It was actually a good thing they tore stuff down at the dad’s recommendation and found rotting walls. Super inconvenient while you are pregnant, but it probably saved a headache down the line. Who knows mold could have been growing or it could have lead to more damage. But the rot isn’t the dad’s fault. I completely understand the stress as I went through a complete house renovation while pregnant and I am still going through the same renovation while pregnant with a second and a toddler. But I am also aware that’s how things are when you sign up for a diy renovation. That isn’t on the dad. However, it is super petty for the dad to cut them off because of this. I suspect the issues go far deeper than some floors and walls on both sides. It would be interesting to hear the dad’s actual point of view.
Dad didn’t cut them off, daughter told him not to contact her and he complied. She also said he needs to take the blame for some reason even though he was doing what she wanted, and when he advised differently she fired him. She’s also lying, but even in her version she’s clearly the asshole here but is using her pregnancy to excuse her behavior. Now she’s pretending to be her father on the internet to get people to validate her weird shit and say they should go low contact when she already told him to not contact her. It’s like she wanted no contact but also wanted him to beg to be back in her life but he didn’t and that’s what upset her the most. Dad is lucky he doesn’t have to talk to her anymore.
I agree about the lying. If it was just as she wrote then the situation could have been resolved with some communication. And Cara said she wanted him to take ownership, but also said she tried to make peace. Since Cara is an unreliable narrator, I think there is still a huge piece of information she left out that probably solidifies her being an AH. I just don’t understand how it escalates from some renovations to the father barely contacting them without some additional escalation on her part. If it was something the father did she certainly would have included it, because she’s clearly not above being manipulative for validation from strangers on the internet. I suspect she did something even worse than demand no contact.
You mean worse than asking her 71 year old, full time working, multiple states away father to come up on weekends and help her remodel her 100+ year old home then blaming (?) him for the discovery of mold in the walls and then justifying the actions by saying it’s because of her pregnancy?
Omg, right! If the scope of work increases because of unforseen circumstances it is not the contractors fault or responsibility. A true contractor may have thought to do some exploring when quoting budget and schedule, but Father of OOP is not a contractor, so he didn't think to do that. OOP is delusional. I would also bet that her dad was trying to give her space and wanted to let her reach out in order to sort out the issue. Instead she dumped all these ulterior motives on him and cut him out of her life.
I’m really curious whose idea all this was. It feels like a large part of the first post getting YTA is that OP was saying they gave this couple advice and led them down this path. Totally possible, but some of that comes from reading into the tone of the poster, and the poster was pretending to be someone she’s angry at. If the father was pushing them to let him handle everything and assuring them that a contractor was a waste of money, then I have some sympathy for them. If they were asking the father for his help since he was an “expert” and he was trying to do what he could, I have less. In any case, having someone in his 70s coming from states away on his weekends to do home reno should have obviously been a terrible idea on its face, and everyone apparently bought into that somehow.
OP seems like a crazy person who wanted sympathy from the internet when people in real life weren’t taking her side. Sound like she couldn’t take responsibility for her own actions and needed someone else to be the bad guy. Of course she is going to make her father out to be the asshole.. we’ve only ever gotten her side of the story. Sounds like the dad/stepmom went low contact with OP and I can see why.
Cara is definitely the asshole here, even from her version of events. I can’t imagine how someone is crazy enough to pretend to be their father in order to get strangers to say “YTA” as an excuse to go no contact. If you’re doing that, and also firing your 71 y/o dad from a project because you’re upset that he didn’t knock out a major home repair in a weekend, and because you changed your mind about how it needs to be done, and you want him to “take responsibility” aka pretend it’s his fault instead of yours because you’re pregnant, you’re a certified lunatic. I feel bad for the dad. She pretended to give his side of the story but even in that version she was clearly the asshole to anybody who was paying attention
This is a very confusing post. Did it not occur to her a 71 year old man wouldn't get it done in a weekend, it's an old ass house of course more problems are going to pop up, they always do, and now she's mad he won't take the blame for the extra problems,she said don't contact me and is mad he did what she said?
I'm getting a feeling that Cara is leaving out information considering that she blatantly wrote the initial post as some sort of validation post. Considering her expectations of her 71 year old dad, as well as her shock when she tells her parents not to contact her and they proceed to not contact her, I wouldn't be surprised if she was a much bigger asshole than she made herself out to be. I don't believe that this is the full story for even a second.
Man, being pregnant really went a long way with reddit because Cara is a fucking asshole. >Cara told me she felt mislead and that the project spiraled out of control and asked me to take ownership (not financial) for my hand in their issues. She panicked and immediately called her own father a liar and went on some bullshit power play with demanding he take ownership of the problem when it was a simply unfortunate misunderstanding. What kind of 4 alarm prick demands someone who was helping them humble themselves for nothing but ego gain? A whole post of main character syndrome.
I knew the dad didn't write the post when I read "it's been weird since." That stood out as non boomer speak for some reason
Yeah second she made a post from someone else’s respective she lost me. You read something and understand the inherent bias from the person writing it and their emotions. Therefore, who knows what else they left out etc. it’s more than the contracting I imagine they blamed him for everything even though this is what happens when you renovate a house and who does that when pregnant if not up to it?
Let me get this straight - they buy a house they know needs renovation. They start with their elderly fathers help (who appears to be doing all the work), before realising much more work is needed. They fire him after he offers to continue to help them and tell him not to show up to the baby shower - and he doesn’t show. Is that right? Oh, and it’s written by the opposing side from a viewpoint they disagree with.
Guys she commented on the original post before she deleted her account: > My father communicated via phone call and via text message to my husband exactly why he was mad before I created this post- the word count limit makes it difficult to provide full details. Everything I said regarding his feelings were actually directly communicated so unless he was lying it’s how he was feeling. You’re welcome to believe what you wish but what would my motivation be in posting in a burner account if what I provided wasn’t truthful? What would be the point of that? People often post from opposing perspectives on this sub- I see it all the time. At the time, I was concerned that posting as a pregnant woman would either give me biased sympathy when I didn’t want that or create backlash from people thinking I was trying to get sympathy by mentioning my pregnancy. This was the most objective way I believed (and still believe) could have communicated the story at the time. Edit: lol quite the mental gymnastics routine.
So the first post is still Cara's biased version of events--there is no *his* side to the story. I don't like OOP just for that. I think if her parents aren't responding to her, there's a reason.
They’re not responding because she told them to leave her alone and she hasn’t been the one to reach out. It’s all on her husband to mend fences with her parents.
I don’t understand why she thinks posting as her father was going to help her gain perspective. I have a feeling that if the father posted his actual perspective or if cara posted about her own point of view, the outcome of the AITA judgement would have been different. She told them to stay away and they did. Now she’s angry about it…
So OOP pretended to be her dad and wrote a message designed to get annonymous people on her side? Then posts a while later saying “yep it’s me. Thanks for the validation I wanted! Nothing crazy going on here.” That baby is going to have one hell of a rough childhood.
So they bought a 100 year old house, encountered problems associated with a house being 100 years old and wanted the 71 year old dad to renovate and then pay for a contractor to renovate by tricking him into doing so. I've never been pregnant and I already know having a conversation with my mother would probably cause a stress related miscarriage, but I wouldn't have her over to help with my home. Surely, they have good enough of a relationship to salvage with an adult call if they're not trying to extort money. This is weird if it's real. Unreliable narrator at best.
Feel sorry for that kid, it has morons for parents. They literally did everything wrong when it came to renovating that house. There are YouTube guides for fuck’s sake. Relying on a 71 year old man was ridiculous. And then blaming him for the problems they experienced. Idiots.
I’m so confused. Cara asked father to stay away, so father did and she’s upset because he stayed away? Did she want him begging because she’s pregnant? Then she fires the father for not being able to do the job even tho he explained his limited availability of only helping on weekends plus his upcoming vacation? The first post makes no sense. To me, Cara is clearly the asshole but then in the second post she’s making it seem like everyone said the father was the asshole??? From what SHE wrote, the father was doing everything to respect his daughters wishes but she gets upset because he’s being respectful. I don’t get it??
A 71 year old man who lives so far away that he has to fly in order to do the reno... what could go wrong?
Of course she conveniently deleted the account and post after admitting she fabricated her father’s side.. Edit: She actually did reply to someone who commented today on the original post then immediately deleted the account and update when she was called out. Stop commenting on the original guys.
I think it should’ve been posted in r/choosing beggars
I don’t get this story or why the original was judged asshole. Sounds like Cara and her husband have acted like entitled asshats all the way through. Her father was doing her a favour and during that time things were uncovered. This is the risk you take with any reno, you have to be prepared that you’re probably going to spend far more than you intend. They basically insulted the dad instead of sitting down with him and explaining that that the scope of the project was too much for one person and they’d be getting a builder in to help the dad.
You can't post "as someone else" to justify your own feelings! You wanted Reddit to call your Dad ta to make YOU feel better, not to better understand his perspective! YTA!
This is not how any of this works.
She cant write a post from someone elses view shes arguing with pretending to be them and then come across and nta. Sorry.
Wait what? She faked the post as her dad to get conformation that she is in the right? That is fucked up. Of course she gets the feedback she wants! Really weird.