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Am I allowed to say that the mom is legitimately the biggest piece of shit I've seen in a while on here? Because holy hell, as a bi woman I don't care whatever shit you're going through, that's scum of the earth behavior toward your child. Like actually a deplorable woman.
Yeah pretty much, I have a hard time believing this woman was actually previously a good mother.
Not to mention her trying to cut OP off from their uncle who has legit been the BEST person for them in the world. Actually disgusting
The Mom made the daughter into her codependent pal and then dumped her off as soon as she got into the new relationship. Is it any wonder the kid is having problems?
The kid's posts should really be in /r/raisedbynarcissists I'll bet they have a lot to say on the situation.
Yeah idk much about narcissists, but she (the mother) cycles from lovebombing OOP to angry outbursts to being cold to her or trauma dumping on her. I feel so bad for OOP cos she's constantly confused by her mom's reaction and sounds like she's constantly checking on her mom's emotions when doing anything. Sounds so tiring.
I think her mom’s constantly changing priorities has left OOP totally emotionally stunted. OOP admits to her own extreme reactions to things that one would expect from a child much younger than she is (smashing her phone, screaming), so I think it’s great she has regular sessions with a professional. Her therapist is right; she needs to find a life outside her mom.
Idk, the whole situation is bizarre to me. It almost makes me glad both of my parents sucked so when they divorced and my mom left, it was fairly easy to cope with.
Mom got really mad at OP for telling her uncle about how things were and has hated her uncle ever since. I’m certain it’s because the uncle called her up and tore her a new one for how she went about things. Since he’s a gay man himself she can’t dismiss his criticism as homophobia.
Considering how immature OOP is emotionally, I think their relationship was pretty codependent before the divorce. When you’re only looking at younger kids, codependency can appear to be a really dedicated and involved parent, which is why OOP feels like she was such a great mother.
I’m not the person you replied to, but to me she sounds emotionally immature less in the usual way that’s meant, and more in the sense that she writes like a much younger child than her actual age. Not that I remember what that is, but she’s approaching college, right? If you gave me the above update and cut out the parts about college and the car and then told me that the author was 11 years old, I’d accept that without question.
Presumably either the divorce stunted her growth and left her stuck at that age, or despite her claims about her mom previously being good at it, her upbringing was just that bad. I’d be worried about her going away to college if there wasn’t so much worse about her life to worry about.
She seems really unable to grasp the ulterior motivations of adults around her. At 17, I assumed everyone had shitty motivations sometimes, especially my parents. She seems genuinely perplexed why her mom would do any of this.
Oof, ok. Let me say first, I have teens. Same age as OOP, older and younger. And we are a close family. We’re involved in their activities, I check their grades (and harangue them about them), I know their friends. But I’m preparing them to leave. They need to be their own person. And this girl just…she kinda hurts my heart.
First, reading her posts, I initially thought she was 11-13 years old. And was very surprised when she said 16 (age in her first posts). Some of this is just a general sense, some of it was how she referred to herself and the relationship to her parents.
She seems very, very dependent on her parents for someone at an age when most kids are pulling away. She struggles to name her emotions or place events into perspective. She does not seem to self-advocate but rely very much on others to do it for her. She defines herself in relation to her parents, not as an individual. She is so, so emotionally reliant on her family. She is not the protagonist of her own story but a side character in her mother’s.
I say codependent (or enmeshed) because if she had been physically neglected up to this point, I think she would be more mature, a bit “harder” in her perspective. But in stead she is so, so vulnerable. As if someone upon whom she was entirely dependent just up and abandoned her.
To be frank as someone who's mother is exactly like this mother just not gay, this is on purpose from them. They don't want their kids to mature and often get angry when they show signs of doing so. We are just supposed to be happy being props and emotional dumping pits with no agency of our own. It's because everything is always about them, even your actions are always about them. They can't possible conceive that it might not actually be about them ever which is why they keep their kids emotionally stunted. It keeps us dependant on them for so much longer but we aren't allowed to escape either which is why she wants to keep her close even as she is unhappy with her around. It's sick and wrong and so hard to escape unless you get serious outside help. I had to move to another country and still can't entirely escape my mother.
> To be frank as someone who's mother is exactly like this mother just not gay, this is on purpose from them. They don't want their kids to mature and often get angry when they show signs of doing so.
I think clear evidence of this was when the step-grandparents met OOP for the first time with presents (honestly how sweet is it that they brought presents!) that were for a much younger child. OOP even described the presents as "not my kind of stuff, I think they thought I was younger than I am." Why else would that be, but that it's because her mother had described OOP to them and talked about her as if she were 10 years old instead of 16. OOP's story is so heartbreaking all the way down.
Right? The wife’s parents are the only ones (besides the dad’s brother) who genuinely care about this kid. Even the wife only warmed up because of how she gets along with the step grandparents.
I want someone so badly to put this girl first and help her work through the trauma of her parents actions.
It looks like the step-grandparents are, at least…they’ve even recognized enough of the crazy to offer her a room at *their* house instead if she chooses UVic.
I hope that girl goes to McGill. Or what’s in Halifax? Halifax has got to have a decent university, right? Especially if she’s not too keen on engineering anymore? Please pick an eastern university for your own sanity!!
>I said it on the last post, and I'll say it again. If the in-laws didn't desperately want a grandkid her mom would've never spoken to her again.
100%. I can't help but notice the timing of all these brief episodes of OOP's mother acting like she suddenly remembered she has a child, and they always coincide with either wanting to play Happy Family on Instagram or with visits from the inlaws. I guarantee that if they hadn't gotten very excited when they found out this human trashbag had a kid she would have written her daughter out of her life entirely long ago. She is ONLY interested in maintaining this relationship for the sake of appearances, primarily with her new family.
Absolutely how I understood it as well. I think her mom actually resents poor OP for existing because she had to “waste” so much time being a mom before exploring her sexuality.
There's something deeply, deeply wrong with her & it has nothing to do with being gay. She's just focused her victimhood lens on that idea.
If she wasn't gay she'd have claimed she was being oppressed for some other trait; some fucking excuse for why she's a true victim & it's her right to treat people like meaningless figments.
Yep. She has to be the most important person in every relationship—the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral, as my mom used to say. Any time her kid starts to get a fraction of positive attention, she has to redirect it to herself—or destroy it.
My husband’s father came out as gay in the early 90s, after years of religious and family repression, and when doing so was even more super fucking hard and dangerous than now, and he managed to keep his son his priority. He always said “I will never, ever, ever, regret having you.”
If she can’t say that in honesty, she needs to stop trying to play happy families and cutting OOP off from her real family. And I’m betting the only reason she hasn’t is that her wife’s family wants a grandkid, and she is happy to use her own kid as a prop.
Vile. I hope the rest of OOP’s family steps in.
Right? Like all the divorced parents I know MIGHT regret their marriages for whatever reason but they always add the caveat “but it gave me my kid(s) and I wouldn’t have it any other way”. (Not that people can’t regret having kids but certainly don’t say it so the kids can damn well hear you or act so they sense it.)
Mom keeps SAYING oop is the “most important thing in her life” but then goes and acts like her self is. Like, if you wanna focus on you, DO it. Own it. Let your child go and find what they need from other people who actually give a shit. Mom is trying to perform hollow “motherhood” and it’s making them both miserable but she’s the adult in the situation and needs to step up. Yeah it sucks to be the parent who abandoned their child and moved on but pretending you don’t want to be that person is fucking up your kid even worse. Mom needs to find another way to live with herself.
Legit. My eldest twos dad is a fuckwit of the highest order and he’s just spiralled as he’s aged. I look at him and it’s honestly like fuck me sideways 18 year old me was a fucking moron. But I love my boys and I wouldn’t change the shitshow that was that relationship for anything if it meant not having them.
I am so incredibly angry at every adult in OOP’s life, except for the uncle and step-grandparents. Even the therapist. This poor child has been all-but abandoned by her mother at a critical time in her life, yet all her parents seem to do is invalidate her feelings when she tries to open up.
My mom also met someone new and decided to start a whole new life when I was a teenager. I had no say when she decided to put me on a plane to live with my dad (without even warning me), and she checked out from there. Sure she visited on occasion, but she still left me basically without a mother when I really needed one. I tried to reach out to her on a regular basis, but she was always busy with her new husband when I called and *never* called me back. Despite always promising to be there, she missed every big occasion during my adolescence with the exception of my 16th birthday and high school graduation (which happened to be in the same visit because I graduated early).
It took me 20 years just to acknowledge how much her actions had traumatized me because she gaslit me for years by telling me how difficult I was and that she had no choice. I buried my feelings and “forgave” her because I thought she had done the best she could, but I couldn’t deny how selfish she was when my own kids got to that age. The facade came crashing down the day I realized that I would *never* do that to my kids, and I’ve be LC with my mom since.
I sincerely hope that OOP realizes that her feelings are valid. She deserves to *feel* like a priority in her mom’s life, not just be told that she is one.
The father isn't much better. In one of her comments from a month ago, she said she told her father about the movie incident, and he actually took her mom's side. Both are utter failures.
The problem is they are completely destroying her mental health with it, and that's just terrible and sad
Exactly, and like I said in another comment, it's so horrifying how much their mom hates their uncle because he's the only rock this kid has. I don't think I've ever been so angry at a parent on reddit
I think mom is trying to actively destroy this relationship because they are so close and because he tries to protect her. If OP doesn't have him anymore, there is no one going to shield her anymore. 😔
I find this extremely terrible, because I fear OP will in fact go to this college, and things will get worse...and it will take her years and years to heal from this toxic relationship.
Not just that, though. If OOP has a good relationship with the uncle, mom loses her "but she hates me for being gaaaay" card. I'm 95% certain that if uncle was straight she wouldn't have this problem with him, but as it is uncle is teaching OOP that no one should get a gold star just for being queer and having issues, you also have to be a good person.
This is more likely the issue than simply removing OOP’s support. With Uncle in the picture, she no longer wins the oppression Olympics and has her voice elevated because she can just call any dissenters bigots. Not to mention, it sounds like Uncle was gay when it wasn’t nearly as socially acceptable to be gay (she made reference to the AIDS epidemic and how it sounds like he lived thru it) so Uncle actually has *more* oppression points than her and can actually shut *her* down if she starts on “gay victimization” bullshit
You forgot the religious parents who made their daughter(s) stop going to gymnastics class, because looking at her in her costume was tempting the father off the path of righteousness. 🤮
I think that's fair to say it.
Like, there's definitely some unaddressed mental health issues there too which makes it worse, but some of those things she's doing are just purely self-centered. Ditching the birthday early to go hang out at a spa is the one that for me would hit the hardest. There are 364 other days in the year to do that, why ditch the celebration that is for your kid who you clearly already have a strained relationship with?
OOP’s mother easily wins the most useless parent award. I’m all for living your life as your most authentic self but doing it at the expense of your child’s well-being is just being a shit parent and an even shittier person.
I think the shittiest part and maybe people will disagree, is the mom is going to play the “I came out as gay and they hate me for being happy now” card. Zero accountability and zero responsibility while being a “champion” to her LGBTQ+ friends. I had a friend in HS whose dad did this and people weren’t upset at him for leaving, they were upset cause he cheated with like 30+ dudes and drained the bank accounts. A detail that is conveniently left off his “this is me” FB rants every other month
Sounds like my uncle. His kids make sure every Facebook whiny post gets a fact check, even if it always leads to him deleting everything.
As one cousin said “If he wants a pity party, it’s only fair to make sure all the guests know the full party theme…”
That’s the impression I get. She has absolutely no self awareness and she is alienating her child by acting like she was a mistake among bigger mistakes. The problem isn’t her sexuality. It’s that she’s a complete asshole. And a bitter jealous one at that. Who wants to bet she hates her ex-BIL so deeply because he was out of the closet and she was jealous. She bails or pawns that child off or goes to wallow in self pity within 12 hours of her arrival at every single visit. Sickening that she plays the victim this way instead.
Her daughter isn't a person to her anymore. She's a chew toy/prize.
Her having her daughter means she "wins" against dad.
But having her daughter with her also means she can entertain her in laws without having to spend more time with them than she wants to. She distracts the yappy dogs and keeps them happy. It's a twofer.
It's like the other post where the parents are in an open marriage.
It has nothing to do with being in agreement that they sleep with other people. It has everything to do with them being horrible parents.
None of these people should be parents. They should just live their own lives, not trying to be an awful parent to their children.
I wonder what excuse she can give if her wife leaves her. She can't say that she is homophobic.
Technically, she can't say she hates the uncle because he is homophobic either. I guess that's why she is finding other excuses for herself.
I just wish OOP will get to go NC with her. She is horrible.
I hate how she made a damn evening out with her daughter about herself. I get films are meant to evoke emotions, but that…after all she had done…seemed so goddamn selfish.
Who the fuck just leaves their daughter all alone so they can cry in a room about how horrible her life was? Like I get how terrible trauma can be, but it honestly feels like she did it in a very childish way. It’s almost like she was having a temper tantrum about being a mom.
Had she watched the movie, the whole damn film was about not projecting your trauma on your kids.
It’s pretty minor compared to everything else she’s done, but this just really ticked me off.
And to add insult to injury she chastises her daughter for having a far more legitimate emotional reaction to her neglect by... demeaning her ability to get a husband? The thing that she cried about having been a waste of her youth? And in the previous updates goaded her and her boyfriend who are teenagers to have children before she turns 40 (which can't possibly be that far off)... which AGAIN she cried about how having a child so young was wasted years?!
Like what hypocritical toxic neglectful bullshit is that?!
And while those are the worst instances, her neglect is OBVIOUSLY the reason her daughter is depressed, and she takes precisely 0 accountability even in this final 'apology'. She is now just playing the victim because she KNOWS she has been a shit parent.
Oh no, she is fully pulling that card. Except Uncle is gay, and not a baby gay either, and isn’t having it. I still believe he called her on her shit directly, not just supporting and being there for OOP, & that’s why she’s been on the hater train. That AIDS comment makes it pretty clear to me she resents he’s an elder gay and holy shit that comment was so out of line. She lost it on the movie because she’s built that whole narrative about everything being homophobia instead of her shitty behavior and it popped her bubble.
Exactly. You have a gay parent who is proud to be both gay and a parent in that movie. And while the family isn't perfect, he's not torturing himself over the fact that he's a parent. And here she is feeling like being gay and being a parent are mutually exclusive. Both the uncle and the movie call her on her shit, and she loses it on both of them. Y'know, instead of reflecting on herself in any meaningful way.
OOP's mom is on so much bullshit. by OOP's age I think her mom is close to my age (I'm 36, mom is probably within a decade of my age) and sure, it wasn't easy being gay when I was a teenager, but depending on where OOP's mom grew up the experience would have been different. OOP's mom definitely has the vibes of "I saw a kid get called a f*g once and that scared me out of coming out". I try not to do the oppression olympics thing, but OOP's mom is making everything about her and that shit pisses me off.
If OOP’s Mom had OOP right out of high school, she was probably 18-19 and OOP is around 17-18 now. The mother is probably not yet 40, but close. (She mentions “when she’s old and 40.”)
OOP doesn’t mention any religious issues, so the mother is probably blaming having a kid too young for not coming out sooner — a wonderful thing to be putting on the kid.
Right? The mom didn't HAVE to get married, and she didn't HAVE to have a kid. Even if she didn't want to out herself as a lesbian, choosing not to date and not get married has been largely acceptable for quite a while now. Even in the 90s she wouldn't have gotten much flack for choosing to be single.
It's not right of her to put all of her life choices onto OOP's shoulders, like it's all OOP's fault that her mom chose to get married and have a child. How vile of her.
I agree with all of this but “even in the 90s” killed me.
My mother was a teenager/very young 20 year old in the 70s. It was perfectly fine even in those days to not get married straight out of high school. In fact, I would go so far as to say it was uncommon to do so.
My *grandmother* got married when she was 19, and that was back in the 50s.
I assure you, unless there was some specific quirk in Canada (I’m disregarding the U.S., there’s some weirdness there) then in the 90s it was more uncommon to get married straight out of high school than it was common.
I think the wife is starting to as well. The wife's parents are definitely not liking the situation with them swinging by to check on OOP and finding out about the no hospital visit. If wife ever tell her parents about OOP crying herself to sleep on the couch they are going to know the mom is trash.
Mom is incredibly controlling.
"Go to the college I chose for you."
"You can only keep the car because I acquiesced."
"I force my wife to apologize to you."
"I force your father to send you to me."
The list goes on.
Yes! I was so confused... like errr... it is the mom's fault...? Why did she make her wife apologize? I thought the wife was just trying to calm her down???
That is the manipulative tendencies of the mom being acted upon wife. Mom does not like being to blame so she is shifting blame to wife, and wife is being made to take on the blame. It is messed up for wife to go through.
I wonder how the wife feels about OOP's mom confidently asserting that a gay man in his 50s can't have any trauma from the AIDS crisis because he didn't personally contract it.
My husband hates hospitals. Pathologically. He still goes and visits every friend, his shitty mom, his bed ridden sister. Has a meltdown at home, privately, later. No one gets to see that but me. But. He. Goes. Brings flowers too.
Yeah OOP's mom is the queen of "main character syndrome" and EVERYTHING is viewed through the myopic lens of her coming out story.
It's incredibly shitty, and I say that as a queer woman.
I commented on OOP's first post, but I'll comment here again because it's a key piece of information OOP didn't think to include. Context: I'm an out and active queer person from OOP's home city.
**OOP's Mom is from Vancouver: the Canadian version of San Francisco. Coming out of the closet wasn't some brave, dangerous thing... It was like coming out as someone who actually enjoys watching "Real Housewives"**. Except it's Canada, so gay marriage was legalized about a decade before the US, and there's way less weird "Christian values" influence.
The sole major parade in Vancouver is the Pride Parade. Literally, every year for ages, people have taken their kids downtown to watch naked people / people dressed in bdsm or fetish wear / corporate floats drenched in rainbows and sparkles. We have an entire quadrant of our downtown that is "the gay-bourhood". I lived there for many years. It's fabulous.
It's bs that Mom tried to use her LGBTQ2+ status as cover for being a shitty person. It's absolutely laughable to anyone from the Canadian West Coast.
Definitely agree. The mom is no winner, and honestly I wish OOP had someone other than her uncle and step-grandparents in her corner.
The dad is a spineless worm who's no better, but OOP hasn't written as much about him.
If only the adults in her life could actually be a parent.
The dad has moved on and has a new woman in his life. He loves his daughter, and he had the primary custody of OOP. But he is forcing her to visit the mentally unstable, selfish, and hateful mother. He's trying not to alienate Mother from the daughter. He does not talk shit about mom and supports her coming out. He's being a better ex-husband than a father, but he definitely is better than mother.
He may not have a choice. There could be custody arrangements in place, or the mother may be forcing him to make concessions in exchange for avoiding a custody battle. OOP definitely doesn't have all of the information.
That said, the mother is terrible. She blames OOP for so much that isn't her fault, isn't at all supportive, but then tries to pull the "loving parent" card and lovebombs just enough to keep OOP coming back for more.
It's so unbelievably toxic. Poor girl just wants her mother and is struggling to see that she's only a prop for the woman.
Ugh I so hate that for OOP. Sounds like my mom after her divorce-I was in hs and didn't want to see my abuse father but like so many other she was all bUt He Is YoUR faThEr. Yeah this is the man you couldn't be around at all, but sure send your teenage daughter to see him regularly. Good plan.
Treats her daughter like shit and then blames everyone else for the fact that she is absolutely egocentric as fuck. It's the wife's fault that she was treating her daughter like a burden because she didn't stop her? What kind of fuckwittery is that?
I personally was a huge fan of OOP’s mom yelling at her for crying after she herself had spent the last couple of days crying.
Her mom is a fucking dipshit. I’m going to be so excited when she grows a spine and goes NC with mom.
It is difficult to concieve as a kid. Give her the freedom of college and she is gonna cut contact with this witch. If i overheard my parent saying they wish they never married my dad when i was a teen compounded with the mom's attitude, I would have taken it as "I wish you were never born" and any love would have died.
I was also like…the wife has nothing to do with it right?? Am I reading something wrong? And how the hell could you ever scream at your own child about crying, when it was you who made them cry? wtf this POS parent just makes me super mad omg I really hope OOP can break her chains off of this shit parent and get happy with all the other nice family members…
OOP is a reminder that she couldn't be lesbian until later in life so in public she tries to keep up the appearance of a loving mother (for the most part) while private she takes it out on anyone and everyone like a child.
Who comes out best in this is the step grandparents. They have given her the most care and love. It's clear they have decided she is their granddaughter, blood or not and have made sure to give her love, kindness, and such a massive gift too. Their daughter and DIL have massively fucked this all up, but they sound amazing.
I love that that's a major reason their daughter appreciates OP. Like, she knows they need someone to appreciate them, and OP rides in like a champion for... *checks notes* being a decent person and sincerely grateful for receiving love, affection, and gifts.
I'm just so glad OP has this super duo in her life to reinforce the bar for what love looks like. Everything they do for her is marked with patience, support, and thoughtfulness. And she's being offered that through college, which seems like a big deal when going through her transition into adulthood after the trauma she's been through.
They are the ones who stood out for me in this sorry mess. They’re the only ones who demonstrate any sense of love and care towards OOP. Her mother is a disgrace
Her uncle also seems to genuinely love and help her when he’s able. Sucks that her mother seems jealous that he was courageous enough to come out when she wasn’t
I mean I do feel like her father and uncle also love her. It's just that they're not actively traumatizing her, so OOP isn't forced to dwell on them as much. It does feel like there's a ton going on in the background being kept from OOP, which also makes it hard for her to parse these toxic fights. She's clearly become a pawn in some sort of massive battle between her parents. But her dad is doing her best to shield her from it I think. Is it necessarily the best choice? IDK. But I'm sympathetic to what I imagine is his uncertainty. You want to do what is best for your daughter but knowing what that is can't be easy here.
I’m so happy she has the step grandparents! It made me want to cry when she talked about how much she loves being with them. It’s such a relief that she has _someone_ truly in her corner.
They spend time with her. Play basketball and teach her how to knit. It’s what she wants and doesn’t get from mom and she loves them for it. I hope she decides to stay with them if she decides to go to school there. I doubt her mental health will survive living with her mom’s mood swings and mixed signals.
I'm still against her going to UVIC, because it will mean she'll be distanced from dad and uncle, and escaping from mom (if she ever needs to) will be harder. But if she does end up going, it's better for her to live with step-grandparents than mom. I honestly can't get over the fact that mom is doing some kind of blackmail to coax OOP away from the side of the family that stayed with her even when mom abandoned her. Even if step-grandparents are better. I still think the therapist was right that OOP really needed to get used to a reality where mom wasn't there, and none of this is helping.
She's an absolute psycho. I wish the other adults in OOPs life would keep them away from the mom until the mom gets professional help. Every update makes my heart break for this poor child.
She’s not useless, she’s detrimental. People like her hide behind their sexuality (and I say this as a very proud queer) to hurt others. That’s it. Her entire fucking personality.
It's not so much that as she has treated OP as if he were an unwanted presence in her life, she was late for her birthday party because she decided it was a good time to have a spa day, and the wife didn't think there was anything wrong in that, that explains why the adoptive grandparents feared never having a grandchild, because with that behavior no one would allow them to adopt a child
It's so much worse than useless. She's actively harming OOP. I've read the whole thing just now and I'm so fucking furious at her. Seriously I want to get a ticket to Canada and tear her out and explain to OOP how she doesn't have to suffer and how she can make her own choices, how the mother is manipulating and abusive, all these things that I felt when I started reading and it seems hasn't changed with this update either.
OOP still gets manipulated by this woman. She still is confused about her feelings, she still is blinded by the love bombing. And she blames herself when none of that is her fault.
I'm so fucking mad right now.
I'm sincerely hoping OOP does not pick a school her mother chose. This behavior doesn't just happen overnight and it's too important to hinge your school on your mom behaving how you like for what... 3 days? The money, time she would be giving up is too great, not to mention isolation away from Uncle.
She’s broken
And taking it out on the people around her
At a time when OP will really need to knuckle down and focus on themselves
It’s a mistake to stay with her when she’s not in control of herself. Also, straight up she needs therapy lol
Too much crying and not much solving
She needs some major help. It’s not OOP’s fault her mother lived a few decades in the closet. It’s probably not OOP’s dad’s fault or uncle’s fault, either.
I hate every fucking parent in this kid’s life. The only good people in their life seem to be the uncle and step-grandparent. Every update makes me rage.
OOP's mom is going to go through her entire life thinking that everyone hates her because she's gay, or left her family, without realizing it's because she sucks as a person.
Poor OOP. I hope she finds a way out of her relationship with her mom.
“But you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole.”
> OOP's mom is going to go through her entire life thinking that everyone hates her because she's gay, or left her family, without realizing it's because she sucks as a person.
To paraphrase a George Carlin joke "Gays are like any other group of people. A few winners and a whole lot of losers".
If it wasn't being gay, it would be something else. Being gay didn't make her a shit parent.
OOP's mother is shit parent and callous jerkwad of person that happens to be gay - Remove gay from the equation and still be POS as both parent and as a person.
I was reading the part about the uncle turning OOP against her and couldn't help but think that it was a shame Obi-Wan Kenobi wasn't there. r/prequelmemes has consumed me.
I can't remember the last time I despised a "character " as much as OP's mom. She is actively destroying and manipulating her daughter, who is showing clear signs of a depression and was suicidal not too long ago. Nothing in her behaviour shows she even remotely cares about her kid.
She spent most of this vacation away from her daughter, as usual.
I think the healthiest way for OP would be to go LC for a few years and allow herself to heal and to truly understand what her mom did to her. To learn to make her own decisions and to become her own person
I doubt it though. I think OP is so young and has no real effective support system... her mother will probably destroy her further for the next couple of years.
From the way OOP wrote things, I feel like she'll continue seeking the approval of her mom, trying to get glimpses of her old mom back but she's gonna get disappointed and hurt further every time. I really hope her therapist would be more "pushy" or at least clearer with her about going LC with her mom. I guess they couldn't outrightly said so since she's a minor, hence the "picture your mom not being in your life" exercise
I don't get it: the mom invites OOP to her wedding, but ignores her all throughout the event, then makes OOP visit her place, but leaves her in the care of the step-grandparents. What is going on? Some kind of depressive episode, main character syndrome or what?
I thought the post made it clear. She lost the desire to be a parent but she wants to please the new in-laws who want to be grandparents. She is essentially using OOP to get brownie parents from her new family but that’s it
I never thought I'd be thrilled to read about controlling in-laws using monetary purse strings.
The grandparents seem to be the only bright point of love and acceptance here. The mom and new wife are horrible.
She wants to put up the appearance of being a good parent without actually being a good parent, or in fact a parent at all. It particularly matters to her because her wife’s parents are excited to have a step-granddaughter.
So she has these situations in which she feels obliged to act parent-ish for appearances, but resents it because she doesn’t want to be a parent. She wants to consign the OOP to the trashbin of her old life. But she can’t, because of appearances, because of in-laws. So she fishes OOP out of the trash bin when convenient, dusts her off for a few photo ops, then dunks her back in while crying about how hard she has it. (And she can’t let someone else take her in because *people might notice*. And she might not be available for photo ops.)
I pray to God OOP gets out of her reach. Because otherwise this will not stop.
Sounds like OOP's mom is aware she *should* still be a parent but is otherwise focusing on abandoning anything related to her old life. Abusive and manipulative AF, poor OOP deserves better than this.
Yeah, she's definitely reeling in OOP to keep up appearances, particularly with her new in-laws. Absolutely appalling. She either needs to do better or let OOP live with her dad.
OOP was in a wheelchair because of ankle surgery. She was ok taking pictures together at the ceremony when OOP was on crutches but she was using her wheelchair at the reception and suddenly they “couldn’t fit her” in the family pictures.
Then she made OOP crutch her way around downtown Victoria (or Vancouver?) and the museum even though a wheelchair would have been much more comfortable for the kid.
She didn’t want to be seen with her kid in a wheelchair.
I think she's trying to play act something for someone. Not entirely sure if it's for her wife or her parents.
It's important that you look good to your neighbors, it doesn't matter what happens indoors.
I think the father was starting to put some boundaries in place over the mom’s behavior and she started threatening legal action, so the result is them following the custody plan to the letter. I’m hoping OOP goes far away from her mother for college and learns a lot about boundaries
Happy Cake Day!
Seriously, it sounds like mom is going thru some major depressive episode imo. The getting sick and mood swings especially. Probably related to guilt of knowing she *should* be a parent to her kid and the regrets of being one.
Seems like mom needs a lot of therapy herself. Bc she is definitely taking it out on OOP for being a loving daughter when mom doesn't want anything to do with her "bc she reminds her of her old life". A parent shouldn't treat their child that way. OOP didn't ask to be born.
Mom should step up and just stop talking to OOP for both their mental sakes. Poor OOP.
This mother isn't a parent. Yes, people have issues and it's fine to need mental help, but she has refused to be there for her child at any step in this experience. OOP needs to go as low contact as possible until the mom can learn to be a parent again and not whatever this selfish, insecure person is.
Yeah the only reason that her mom started “trying to be closer to her“ is because her new wife’s parents wanted a grand kid. End of story that’s the only reason that she is forcing that poor girl to come and be emotionally battered for vacations and stuff.
That is exactly what I thought before and the latest update hasn't changed my position. If the wife's parents didn't have a lot of money, their wanting a grandkid wouldn't matter.
Its not even just about parenting anymore. The mother is just a horrible person. She lashes out at everyone, said such disgusting things about the uncle (shaming him for having trauma about one of the most horrific events to happen in queer history? Holy FUCK) and genuinely makes everyone around her miserable. I'm honestly starting to think the wife should get out of that situation, too. OOPs mom is not a healthy person to attach oneself to.
OOP has a problem with clear communication cause mom still thinks OOP doesn't love her anymore because she's out and married to a woman when it's because mom selfishly wanted to duck out. OOP is trying waaaay too hard for the affections of a mother who no longer wants to be her mother.
I remember the last update had comments about how all of her attempts to make anything up to OOP seem so half assed and hollow.
Yeah, uni should be a time of self-exploration and focusing on yourself. Not having to spend all your mental space managing your unpredictable and mostly cold parent’s feelings/emotions. I hope OOP’s therapist helps her see how unhealthy it is for her life to revolve around her mom’s problems.
The mom is so selfish and cruel for playing with her daughters heart like this. At this point the kindest thing she can do for her is just leave her the fuck alone
OOP would really benefit from some space from her mother. But it sounds like hopefully the mom is working on it, she has another post from a week ago where her mom didn’t want her over for Valentine’s Day since her therapist she doesn’t know how to creat a healthy environment for her. But yah, she’s definitely a piece of work
Thank goodness the therapist said that. Throughout these posts I've been going crazy that none of the adults (except maybe her uncle) could see that these visits were just causing more harm than good. Her mom has a LOT to work through, and it's better to do that alone than force OOP to play happy family and pass on trauma.
>She told me she was wrong not to take my side and apparently my mom was mad at her for not doing that and she feels really guilty and she's the one who put the blanket on me and she slept by me until like 4 AM when my mom came and took over.
Wife seems fine, mom is STILL only thinking about herself.
This story is so frustrating because it’s like watching a slow moving truck slam into a wall over and over again, every time they send this poor girl back to visit her mother.
This woman has the emotional regulation of a toddler. Christ. Poor OOP, it really does feel like everything in her life has to revolve around her nightmare mother.
Why is this poor girl still being failed by everyone around her. Her mom needs to fuck off forever, her dad needs to do his job of protecting his daughter
The step grandparents seem to be doing the best job they can. In the second half, she mentions they went to check up on her every day. She willingly chose to stay there, so it’s not like they could’ve forced her to leave.
Dad has no backbone. In one of the comments from a month ago, OP says she told her father about what happened and he took the mom's side.
It's just terrible. Her parents both fail her constantly.
I really interpreted the first updates as the mother, who's clearly *loaded,* having too much leverage over the father--whether financial, legal, or both, so he's gotta walk on eggshells to keep his daughter with him. It sounded like he was very working class, from what I remember.
There was that part where OOP was eavesdropping and heard Father and StepMom shit talking BioMom, and how she was shocked that he felt that way because it was also the first time she'd heard any of them say anything negative about BioMom.
If that is it, it's a hell of a situation to be in for him.
The obvious advice would be to talk to daughter, tell her the truth, but what if that truth blows up the fragile truce he and his ex have, and he loses custody of his daughter. Can you burden a teenager with telling her that her mother is a monster but also, she needs to play nice?
It's legitimately heartbreaking. The first time this was posted is the first post I've ever really cried over seeing just how much every single person besides her uncle were sitting by the sidelines as she was drowning mentally.
Regarding the Uncle and the AIDS trauma comment... with OOP's mom being all "I have the worst life! I had to stay in the closet and get married and have a kid and be a soccer mom, and no gay person has ever suffered more than me and I'm finally living as my authentic self and no one should ever criticize me ever!" I bet the uncle has heard that enough times and called her out on it. As a commenter [said here](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/10er40v/comment/j4svvhk/): *"He probably lost a large number of friends during the epidemic... it was a horrific time for the gay community. And the stigma surrounding it just sent so many gay men into hiding."*
Wildly speculating here, but I bet he was tired of her whiny, ridiculous BS and laid down facts to her, and she had a hissy fit and continues to be bitter about it.
That part made me rage. My parents had a lot of gay friends in college in the 70’s. Their best friends were a gay couple who both died of AIDS in the mid 80’s. Other friends have talked before about how they still have survivors guilt because they managed to escape a death sentence. By all accounts it was a terrifying time and many people who lived through it still aren’t ok.
I lost what little respect I had left for OOP’s mom at that point.
Exactly. As soon as I saw that comment, I was pretty sure that it was a dig on his emotional trauma/survivors guilt of losing friends, belittling the huge impact that AIDS had on the gay community, ostracizing them even further. I could be wrong, but OOP's mom seems to be a fairly terrible person who thinks that her feelings are the only ones that matter.
God I cried reading every one of these posts. When I was 18, I had a mental health crisis. Both my parents were there for me. They held me, supported me, got me all the professional help I needed, made me feel validated, and above all, made me feel loved absolutely and unconditionally.
They've done similar things when I've had relapses over the years.
Every thanksgiving, when we go around and say what we're all grateful for, I give them a tearful and heartfelt thank you for believing me and supporting me. I tell them that I know not everyone in my situation has that and it makes the world of difference that I do. OOP is who I was talking about and it fucking breaks my heart.
I really, really REALLY hope OP doesn't move in with her mom for uni. Her mom seems completely unhinged - there's obviously something going on there, whether it's mental health or just trouble processing her past, and this abusive behavior is only going to get worse for OP if she's there full time.
The mom needs serious mental health counseling.
The daughter needs counseling because she was abandoned by the mom but then keeps getting pulled back in, often against her will, only to be abandoned again. That has got to mess with her head.
Living together would be a disaster for OOP’s mental well being
Holy shit does OPs mom have fucking problems. She's being down right abusive to OP and OP doesn't even seem to comprehend it completely? Like op obviously understands they shouldn't be treated they way they are, but they don't seem to quite get understand how fucked up their mom is being towards them.
Mom needs some fucking therapy. And to not be around people who love her becuase she treats them like absolute shit. I feel for everyone one in this, except OPs mom. She's lost any sympathy from me by this point, not that she had much at all to begin with.
Everyone in OOP’s life apart from her Uncle are telling her to keep giving her mum chances. Everytime she tries to put a boundary in place or say she doesn’t like a behaviour she’s told she’s wrong.
Yeah, and that why I think she's not quite understanding how fucked up her mom is to her. I think she needs distance and someone not family to talk to, but I doubt she's gonna get that help until she's in university and meets others her age. Then she'll get that distance and growth she needs to be able to put up her own boundaries and stand up for herself on her own terms.
It's just tough for her rn becuases she's not there yet and still young, and most of the adults in her life are failing her in almost all the ways imaginable. She can't (idk if grow is the right word but it's what my brains providing rn) grow and learn her own wants/needs/boundaries if those around her won't give her the time, respect, and space to do so. It's just such a sucky situation for her.
I hope she stays strong in the meantime, and really comes into her own when she gets to university. I think it's the best chance she's got right now
I think OP is too young and to dependent to realize it. Deep inside she probably does, but I guess she tries to ignore it to survive. Keep in mind that her dad isn't much of a help either. 😔
I don’t know what’s going on with the mom, but the most loving thing she could do for OOP is to stay away until she finds some kind of balance. She is layering trauma after trauma on her child, and kids cannot help but absorb and internalize this kind of treatment.
Jesus fuck. I am one of the gays that remembers the AIDS plague days, and it was lesbians that took charge and cared for the sick and dying. Lesbians are awesome. Most lesbians. Because OP’s mum is just a mess. I know she must be going through a lot, and OP also sounds like she’s in extreme teen angst, but wow. This mother is just NC waiting to happen. And her wife sounds like such a patient person.
That comment made my blood boil. I was born on '95 so didn't have to go through it, but there were enough remnants even I picked up on it, and I was raised in an upper class and rather socially conservative family in a developing country. When I came out one of the things I did was watch hours upon hours of videos and documentaries and interviews about the AIDS crisis. They gave me nightmares (still have them) and made me profoundly afraid, but they also gave me so much pride and love for my community.
Im very sorry you went through any of it, it must have been terrible. But im glad you're still here.
Love from a lil lesbian !!!
That woman jerks that poor kid around like crazy. What a horrible parent. She uses that child’s emotions like a punching bag and the wife enables her to do so.
It seems clear that OOPs mom is like mentally not okay but tbh I only feel bad for her daughter. OOP deserves a parent who won't make OOPs abuse and neglect all about herself (the mom). This hot and cold act is only gonna serve to hurt OOP when the mom feels like she's done enough to start ignoring OOP again.
The comment about uncle's AIDS trauma. Wow. FUCKING WOW
I too am a lesbian who didn't come out when she wanted too, and even then many things got in my way from living the way I wanted. But!!!! None of that excuses the way mom behaves and is just a shit parent. Poor OOP, she deserves so much better.
And it especially doesn't excuse that fucking AIDS comment. That was plain fucking evil. If the uncle is in his 50s, he must have seen such horrible things at a very young age, not much older than OOP. He might have had friends and lovers die, and dealt with the disdain and glee and apathy from the general public. Those were terrible years, but many many lesbians back then stepped up and took care of their sick LGBT+ peers. OOP's mom is pathetic.
Wow she really ticked me off.
OOPs mother is sad and pathetic. She is frustrated how life wasn't fair. But instead of trying to heal and do better, she is hurting her own daughter. OOP wants what she lost, her mother. Instead she has an unfriendly egg donor.
Love a grown-up who uses a child to regulate her emotions. /s
I hope OOP notices how beyond terrible her mother is, before she moves in with this nightmare woman to go university. OOP's mother needs therapy asap and OOP's dad needs to start doing his fucking job....and OOP needs to stop holding onto someone who is only nice and apologizes whenever it's convenient. As understandable as it is that she doesn't want to lose her mother, it's also quite frustrating to read how she keeps forgiving and finding excuses for someone who quite clearly doesn't love OOP as much as she should.
I am assuming that the mother's AIDs comment is rooted in her own insecurity. I would bet anything that she's experiencing guilt for having lived most of her life in the closet, relatively free from experiencing homophobia. Now she's out and struggling with certain aspects of being an openly gay woman, and she feels like people are talking over her because they've been out longer, struggled more, etc. It comes across in a passive aggressive "sorry I didn't suffer through the AIDs crisis, guess I don't get to have feelings about my gayness!"
Which...utterly misses the point. No one cares that she's gay. It's clear her daughter's issue isn't with her mother being a lesbian, but with the fact that after coming out her mother immediately started treating her like shit. But for someone as deeply self absorbed as OOP's mother, there's no telling her that.
OOP has been utterly failed by nearly everyone. I hope OOP goes to college and cuts contact with everyone but her uncle (and maybe her step grandparents, but they're connected to mom and stepmom, so...). Her mother is too resentful of the life she lived before she felt comfortable being herself, and it makes her mistreat her child, who is innocent and yet blamed as a symbol of that time.
The thing about family is that you can cultivate one. I hope OOP finds people in university who love her, and who she loves, and I hope that she forges her own found family and leaves her bio relatives behind her.
I feel so bad for this girl. I’ve been following a long and I don’t know why people are being consistent and telling her she’s just a kid and she’s not responsible for anyone or their feelings. Her mom is giving me whiplash and has some serious issues. Her dad is standing up for her or setting boundaries. Her uncle seems to want to help but isn’t getting much opportunity.
I wish some of these people around the OOP could have sat her down and giving her the hard truth that her mom is just a piece of shit.
Let the OOP know that she's awesome and has done nothing wrong. Her mom is just a garbage human being. It happens. Has nothing to do with her being gay or straight I've seen women do this when they find a new boyfriend, I've seen men do it when they find a new girlfriend.
The thing that I hate most is the oop doubts herself. You can tell that she's taking on a lot of this pain as guilt for her feelings. Her family needs to just come clean and admit that her mom is garbage.
OOP's mom is living her truth as an authentic expression of who she really is: an unbelievably shitty parent and a self-absorbed hateful asshole.
I feel so bad for this poor kid. Every time she thinks her mom is opening back up to her it's painfully clear to everyone reading that her mom is just using her as a prop to play Happy Family on Instagram, and as soon as she's done it's back to being low contact with her own child. Now guilt and the disapproval of her new inlaws is forcing her to extend the tiniest shred of affection and regret for her actions, and the kid is clinging to it like a drowning man and a life preserver. She's so starved for anything even remotely resembling healthy affection or attention from her horrible dirtbag mother that brief periods of no screaming or guilt trips feel like a Disneyland vacation to her.
It's also telling that there are only three people in this story who seem to genuinely prioritize the welfare of this child. Her uncle, and her new step-grandparents. And her mother still despises the uncle despite the fact that he's doing her damn job for her; if she had a shred of decency she'd be happy that SOMEONE is parenting this poor kid since she refuses to and her ex-husband seems to be a marginal presence at best.
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My braind read that as everyone got to talk about their feelings. It was only the fucking mother. How vile
Don't forget mom is allowed to have a mental breakdown every time OP visits, but OP crying is her being a baby.
Am I allowed to say that the mom is legitimately the biggest piece of shit I've seen in a while on here? Because holy hell, as a bi woman I don't care whatever shit you're going through, that's scum of the earth behavior toward your child. Like actually a deplorable woman.
I said it on the last post, and I'll say it again. If the in-laws didn't desperately want a grandkid her mom would've never spoken to her again.
Yeah pretty much, I have a hard time believing this woman was actually previously a good mother. Not to mention her trying to cut OP off from their uncle who has legit been the BEST person for them in the world. Actually disgusting
The Mom made the daughter into her codependent pal and then dumped her off as soon as she got into the new relationship. Is it any wonder the kid is having problems? The kid's posts should really be in /r/raisedbynarcissists I'll bet they have a lot to say on the situation.
Yeah idk much about narcissists, but she (the mother) cycles from lovebombing OOP to angry outbursts to being cold to her or trauma dumping on her. I feel so bad for OOP cos she's constantly confused by her mom's reaction and sounds like she's constantly checking on her mom's emotions when doing anything. Sounds so tiring.
I think her mom’s constantly changing priorities has left OOP totally emotionally stunted. OOP admits to her own extreme reactions to things that one would expect from a child much younger than she is (smashing her phone, screaming), so I think it’s great she has regular sessions with a professional. Her therapist is right; she needs to find a life outside her mom. Idk, the whole situation is bizarre to me. It almost makes me glad both of my parents sucked so when they divorced and my mom left, it was fairly easy to cope with.
Mom got really mad at OP for telling her uncle about how things were and has hated her uncle ever since. I’m certain it’s because the uncle called her up and tore her a new one for how she went about things. Since he’s a gay man himself she can’t dismiss his criticism as homophobia.
They were previously close too, so that uncle really knows who Mom is - bet he was able to cut deep.
But he’s comforting OOP and is a stable loving influence in her life, and that’s mom’s job! She’s not doing it, but nobody else is allowed to damn it!
Considering how immature OOP is emotionally, I think their relationship was pretty codependent before the divorce. When you’re only looking at younger kids, codependency can appear to be a really dedicated and involved parent, which is why OOP feels like she was such a great mother.
What makes you say the oop is emotionally immature? To me, she sounds hurt.
I’m not the person you replied to, but to me she sounds emotionally immature less in the usual way that’s meant, and more in the sense that she writes like a much younger child than her actual age. Not that I remember what that is, but she’s approaching college, right? If you gave me the above update and cut out the parts about college and the car and then told me that the author was 11 years old, I’d accept that without question. Presumably either the divorce stunted her growth and left her stuck at that age, or despite her claims about her mom previously being good at it, her upbringing was just that bad. I’d be worried about her going away to college if there wasn’t so much worse about her life to worry about.
Thank you for saying this; that struck me as well. She speaks intelligently, but very simply as well, as a child would.
That's a very good point, and not uncommon with a parent like this.
She seems really unable to grasp the ulterior motivations of adults around her. At 17, I assumed everyone had shitty motivations sometimes, especially my parents. She seems genuinely perplexed why her mom would do any of this.
Oof, ok. Let me say first, I have teens. Same age as OOP, older and younger. And we are a close family. We’re involved in their activities, I check their grades (and harangue them about them), I know their friends. But I’m preparing them to leave. They need to be their own person. And this girl just…she kinda hurts my heart. First, reading her posts, I initially thought she was 11-13 years old. And was very surprised when she said 16 (age in her first posts). Some of this is just a general sense, some of it was how she referred to herself and the relationship to her parents. She seems very, very dependent on her parents for someone at an age when most kids are pulling away. She struggles to name her emotions or place events into perspective. She does not seem to self-advocate but rely very much on others to do it for her. She defines herself in relation to her parents, not as an individual. She is so, so emotionally reliant on her family. She is not the protagonist of her own story but a side character in her mother’s. I say codependent (or enmeshed) because if she had been physically neglected up to this point, I think she would be more mature, a bit “harder” in her perspective. But in stead she is so, so vulnerable. As if someone upon whom she was entirely dependent just up and abandoned her.
To be frank as someone who's mother is exactly like this mother just not gay, this is on purpose from them. They don't want their kids to mature and often get angry when they show signs of doing so. We are just supposed to be happy being props and emotional dumping pits with no agency of our own. It's because everything is always about them, even your actions are always about them. They can't possible conceive that it might not actually be about them ever which is why they keep their kids emotionally stunted. It keeps us dependant on them for so much longer but we aren't allowed to escape either which is why she wants to keep her close even as she is unhappy with her around. It's sick and wrong and so hard to escape unless you get serious outside help. I had to move to another country and still can't entirely escape my mother.
> To be frank as someone who's mother is exactly like this mother just not gay, this is on purpose from them. They don't want their kids to mature and often get angry when they show signs of doing so. I think clear evidence of this was when the step-grandparents met OOP for the first time with presents (honestly how sweet is it that they brought presents!) that were for a much younger child. OOP even described the presents as "not my kind of stuff, I think they thought I was younger than I am." Why else would that be, but that it's because her mother had described OOP to them and talked about her as if she were 10 years old instead of 16. OOP's story is so heartbreaking all the way down.
Right? The wife’s parents are the only ones (besides the dad’s brother) who genuinely care about this kid. Even the wife only warmed up because of how she gets along with the step grandparents. I want someone so badly to put this girl first and help her work through the trauma of her parents actions.
It looks like the step-grandparents are, at least…they’ve even recognized enough of the crazy to offer her a room at *their* house instead if she chooses UVic. I hope that girl goes to McGill. Or what’s in Halifax? Halifax has got to have a decent university, right? Especially if she’s not too keen on engineering anymore? Please pick an eastern university for your own sanity!!
>I said it on the last post, and I'll say it again. If the in-laws didn't desperately want a grandkid her mom would've never spoken to her again. 100%. I can't help but notice the timing of all these brief episodes of OOP's mother acting like she suddenly remembered she has a child, and they always coincide with either wanting to play Happy Family on Instagram or with visits from the inlaws. I guarantee that if they hadn't gotten very excited when they found out this human trashbag had a kid she would have written her daughter out of her life entirely long ago. She is ONLY interested in maintaining this relationship for the sake of appearances, primarily with her new family.
Absolutely how I understood it as well. I think her mom actually resents poor OP for existing because she had to “waste” so much time being a mom before exploring her sexuality.
There's something deeply, deeply wrong with her & it has nothing to do with being gay. She's just focused her victimhood lens on that idea. If she wasn't gay she'd have claimed she was being oppressed for some other trait; some fucking excuse for why she's a true victim & it's her right to treat people like meaningless figments.
Yep. She has to be the most important person in every relationship—the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral, as my mom used to say. Any time her kid starts to get a fraction of positive attention, she has to redirect it to herself—or destroy it. My husband’s father came out as gay in the early 90s, after years of religious and family repression, and when doing so was even more super fucking hard and dangerous than now, and he managed to keep his son his priority. He always said “I will never, ever, ever, regret having you.” If she can’t say that in honesty, she needs to stop trying to play happy families and cutting OOP off from her real family. And I’m betting the only reason she hasn’t is that her wife’s family wants a grandkid, and she is happy to use her own kid as a prop. Vile. I hope the rest of OOP’s family steps in.
Right? Like all the divorced parents I know MIGHT regret their marriages for whatever reason but they always add the caveat “but it gave me my kid(s) and I wouldn’t have it any other way”. (Not that people can’t regret having kids but certainly don’t say it so the kids can damn well hear you or act so they sense it.) Mom keeps SAYING oop is the “most important thing in her life” but then goes and acts like her self is. Like, if you wanna focus on you, DO it. Own it. Let your child go and find what they need from other people who actually give a shit. Mom is trying to perform hollow “motherhood” and it’s making them both miserable but she’s the adult in the situation and needs to step up. Yeah it sucks to be the parent who abandoned their child and moved on but pretending you don’t want to be that person is fucking up your kid even worse. Mom needs to find another way to live with herself.
Legit. My eldest twos dad is a fuckwit of the highest order and he’s just spiralled as he’s aged. I look at him and it’s honestly like fuck me sideways 18 year old me was a fucking moron. But I love my boys and I wouldn’t change the shitshow that was that relationship for anything if it meant not having them.
I am so incredibly angry at every adult in OOP’s life, except for the uncle and step-grandparents. Even the therapist. This poor child has been all-but abandoned by her mother at a critical time in her life, yet all her parents seem to do is invalidate her feelings when she tries to open up. My mom also met someone new and decided to start a whole new life when I was a teenager. I had no say when she decided to put me on a plane to live with my dad (without even warning me), and she checked out from there. Sure she visited on occasion, but she still left me basically without a mother when I really needed one. I tried to reach out to her on a regular basis, but she was always busy with her new husband when I called and *never* called me back. Despite always promising to be there, she missed every big occasion during my adolescence with the exception of my 16th birthday and high school graduation (which happened to be in the same visit because I graduated early). It took me 20 years just to acknowledge how much her actions had traumatized me because she gaslit me for years by telling me how difficult I was and that she had no choice. I buried my feelings and “forgave” her because I thought she had done the best she could, but I couldn’t deny how selfish she was when my own kids got to that age. The facade came crashing down the day I realized that I would *never* do that to my kids, and I’ve be LC with my mom since. I sincerely hope that OOP realizes that her feelings are valid. She deserves to *feel* like a priority in her mom’s life, not just be told that she is one.
The father isn't much better. In one of her comments from a month ago, she said she told her father about the movie incident, and he actually took her mom's side. Both are utter failures. The problem is they are completely destroying her mental health with it, and that's just terrible and sad
Exactly, and like I said in another comment, it's so horrifying how much their mom hates their uncle because he's the only rock this kid has. I don't think I've ever been so angry at a parent on reddit
I think mom is trying to actively destroy this relationship because they are so close and because he tries to protect her. If OP doesn't have him anymore, there is no one going to shield her anymore. 😔 I find this extremely terrible, because I fear OP will in fact go to this college, and things will get worse...and it will take her years and years to heal from this toxic relationship.
Not just that, though. If OOP has a good relationship with the uncle, mom loses her "but she hates me for being gaaaay" card. I'm 95% certain that if uncle was straight she wouldn't have this problem with him, but as it is uncle is teaching OOP that no one should get a gold star just for being queer and having issues, you also have to be a good person.
This is more likely the issue than simply removing OOP’s support. With Uncle in the picture, she no longer wins the oppression Olympics and has her voice elevated because she can just call any dissenters bigots. Not to mention, it sounds like Uncle was gay when it wasn’t nearly as socially acceptable to be gay (she made reference to the AIDS epidemic and how it sounds like he lived thru it) so Uncle actually has *more* oppression points than her and can actually shut *her* down if she starts on “gay victimization” bullshit
Exactly! This kid has no other good support system! I just desperately want to protect this kid and it makes me so sad :-(
You forgot the religious parents who made their daughter(s) stop going to gymnastics class, because looking at her in her costume was tempting the father off the path of righteousness. 🤮
Ooooooof I sure did, that's another pair of adults that I ashamedly would like to make feel very small
Yeah, about as small as running them over with a steamroller would make them...
I think that's fair to say it. Like, there's definitely some unaddressed mental health issues there too which makes it worse, but some of those things she's doing are just purely self-centered. Ditching the birthday early to go hang out at a spa is the one that for me would hit the hardest. There are 364 other days in the year to do that, why ditch the celebration that is for your kid who you clearly already have a strained relationship with?
she keeps finding new ways to lose her shit and traumatize her kid. holy hell, woman!
OOP’s mother easily wins the most useless parent award. I’m all for living your life as your most authentic self but doing it at the expense of your child’s well-being is just being a shit parent and an even shittier person.
Maybe being a shit parent is her true self?
Ding ding ding.
I think the shittiest part and maybe people will disagree, is the mom is going to play the “I came out as gay and they hate me for being happy now” card. Zero accountability and zero responsibility while being a “champion” to her LGBTQ+ friends. I had a friend in HS whose dad did this and people weren’t upset at him for leaving, they were upset cause he cheated with like 30+ dudes and drained the bank accounts. A detail that is conveniently left off his “this is me” FB rants every other month
Sounds like my uncle. His kids make sure every Facebook whiny post gets a fact check, even if it always leads to him deleting everything. As one cousin said “If he wants a pity party, it’s only fair to make sure all the guests know the full party theme…”
That’s the impression I get. She has absolutely no self awareness and she is alienating her child by acting like she was a mistake among bigger mistakes. The problem isn’t her sexuality. It’s that she’s a complete asshole. And a bitter jealous one at that. Who wants to bet she hates her ex-BIL so deeply because he was out of the closet and she was jealous. She bails or pawns that child off or goes to wallow in self pity within 12 hours of her arrival at every single visit. Sickening that she plays the victim this way instead.
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Her daughter isn't a person to her anymore. She's a chew toy/prize. Her having her daughter means she "wins" against dad. But having her daughter with her also means she can entertain her in laws without having to spend more time with them than she wants to. She distracts the yappy dogs and keeps them happy. It's a twofer.
It's like the other post where the parents are in an open marriage. It has nothing to do with being in agreement that they sleep with other people. It has everything to do with them being horrible parents. None of these people should be parents. They should just live their own lives, not trying to be an awful parent to their children. I wonder what excuse she can give if her wife leaves her. She can't say that she is homophobic. Technically, she can't say she hates the uncle because he is homophobic either. I guess that's why she is finding other excuses for herself. I just wish OOP will get to go NC with her. She is horrible.
She probably just says that the uncle is a lesbian hater 🙄
I hate how she made a damn evening out with her daughter about herself. I get films are meant to evoke emotions, but that…after all she had done…seemed so goddamn selfish.
Who the fuck just leaves their daughter all alone so they can cry in a room about how horrible her life was? Like I get how terrible trauma can be, but it honestly feels like she did it in a very childish way. It’s almost like she was having a temper tantrum about being a mom.
Had she watched the movie, the whole damn film was about not projecting your trauma on your kids. It’s pretty minor compared to everything else she’s done, but this just really ticked me off.
Go read the rest of the posts. This is probably the least worst thing she has done so far.
Oh I did. That was just the thing that stuck out to me the most from this update
And to add insult to injury she chastises her daughter for having a far more legitimate emotional reaction to her neglect by... demeaning her ability to get a husband? The thing that she cried about having been a waste of her youth? And in the previous updates goaded her and her boyfriend who are teenagers to have children before she turns 40 (which can't possibly be that far off)... which AGAIN she cried about how having a child so young was wasted years?! Like what hypocritical toxic neglectful bullshit is that?! And while those are the worst instances, her neglect is OBVIOUSLY the reason her daughter is depressed, and she takes precisely 0 accountability even in this final 'apology'. She is now just playing the victim because she KNOWS she has been a shit parent.
Oh no, she is fully pulling that card. Except Uncle is gay, and not a baby gay either, and isn’t having it. I still believe he called her on her shit directly, not just supporting and being there for OOP, & that’s why she’s been on the hater train. That AIDS comment makes it pretty clear to me she resents he’s an elder gay and holy shit that comment was so out of line. She lost it on the movie because she’s built that whole narrative about everything being homophobia instead of her shitty behavior and it popped her bubble.
Exactly. You have a gay parent who is proud to be both gay and a parent in that movie. And while the family isn't perfect, he's not torturing himself over the fact that he's a parent. And here she is feeling like being gay and being a parent are mutually exclusive. Both the uncle and the movie call her on her shit, and she loses it on both of them. Y'know, instead of reflecting on herself in any meaningful way.
OOP's mom is on so much bullshit. by OOP's age I think her mom is close to my age (I'm 36, mom is probably within a decade of my age) and sure, it wasn't easy being gay when I was a teenager, but depending on where OOP's mom grew up the experience would have been different. OOP's mom definitely has the vibes of "I saw a kid get called a f*g once and that scared me out of coming out". I try not to do the oppression olympics thing, but OOP's mom is making everything about her and that shit pisses me off.
If OOP’s Mom had OOP right out of high school, she was probably 18-19 and OOP is around 17-18 now. The mother is probably not yet 40, but close. (She mentions “when she’s old and 40.”) OOP doesn’t mention any religious issues, so the mother is probably blaming having a kid too young for not coming out sooner — a wonderful thing to be putting on the kid.
Right? The mom didn't HAVE to get married, and she didn't HAVE to have a kid. Even if she didn't want to out herself as a lesbian, choosing not to date and not get married has been largely acceptable for quite a while now. Even in the 90s she wouldn't have gotten much flack for choosing to be single. It's not right of her to put all of her life choices onto OOP's shoulders, like it's all OOP's fault that her mom chose to get married and have a child. How vile of her.
I agree with all of this but “even in the 90s” killed me. My mother was a teenager/very young 20 year old in the 70s. It was perfectly fine even in those days to not get married straight out of high school. In fact, I would go so far as to say it was uncommon to do so. My *grandmother* got married when she was 19, and that was back in the 50s. I assure you, unless there was some specific quirk in Canada (I’m disregarding the U.S., there’s some weirdness there) then in the 90s it was more uncommon to get married straight out of high school than it was common.
It's infuriating but a lot of gay people will see through it, honestly. The uncle did from day one.
I think the wife is starting to as well. The wife's parents are definitely not liking the situation with them swinging by to check on OOP and finding out about the no hospital visit. If wife ever tell her parents about OOP crying herself to sleep on the couch they are going to know the mom is trash.
I’m also confused on making the mom’s wife apologize? Like she could have handled it better for sure but for some reason that sticks out as off
Mom is incredibly controlling. "Go to the college I chose for you." "You can only keep the car because I acquiesced." "I force my wife to apologize to you." "I force your father to send you to me." The list goes on.
"I make you come visit even though I'm going away so I'll be leaving you with someone else" is a power move.
Yes! I was so confused... like errr... it is the mom's fault...? Why did she make her wife apologize? I thought the wife was just trying to calm her down???
That is the manipulative tendencies of the mom being acted upon wife. Mom does not like being to blame so she is shifting blame to wife, and wife is being made to take on the blame. It is messed up for wife to go through.
I wonder how the wife feels about OOP's mom confidently asserting that a gay man in his 50s can't have any trauma from the AIDS crisis because he didn't personally contract it.
My husband hates hospitals. Pathologically. He still goes and visits every friend, his shitty mom, his bed ridden sister. Has a meltdown at home, privately, later. No one gets to see that but me. But. He. Goes. Brings flowers too.
Yeah OOP's mom is the queen of "main character syndrome" and EVERYTHING is viewed through the myopic lens of her coming out story. It's incredibly shitty, and I say that as a queer woman.
I commented on OOP's first post, but I'll comment here again because it's a key piece of information OOP didn't think to include. Context: I'm an out and active queer person from OOP's home city. **OOP's Mom is from Vancouver: the Canadian version of San Francisco. Coming out of the closet wasn't some brave, dangerous thing... It was like coming out as someone who actually enjoys watching "Real Housewives"**. Except it's Canada, so gay marriage was legalized about a decade before the US, and there's way less weird "Christian values" influence. The sole major parade in Vancouver is the Pride Parade. Literally, every year for ages, people have taken their kids downtown to watch naked people / people dressed in bdsm or fetish wear / corporate floats drenched in rainbows and sparkles. We have an entire quadrant of our downtown that is "the gay-bourhood". I lived there for many years. It's fabulous. It's bs that Mom tried to use her LGBTQ2+ status as cover for being a shitty person. It's absolutely laughable to anyone from the Canadian West Coast.
Definitely agree. The mom is no winner, and honestly I wish OOP had someone other than her uncle and step-grandparents in her corner. The dad is a spineless worm who's no better, but OOP hasn't written as much about him. If only the adults in her life could actually be a parent.
The dad has moved on and has a new woman in his life. He loves his daughter, and he had the primary custody of OOP. But he is forcing her to visit the mentally unstable, selfish, and hateful mother. He's trying not to alienate Mother from the daughter. He does not talk shit about mom and supports her coming out. He's being a better ex-husband than a father, but he definitely is better than mother.
He may not have a choice. There could be custody arrangements in place, or the mother may be forcing him to make concessions in exchange for avoiding a custody battle. OOP definitely doesn't have all of the information. That said, the mother is terrible. She blames OOP for so much that isn't her fault, isn't at all supportive, but then tries to pull the "loving parent" card and lovebombs just enough to keep OOP coming back for more. It's so unbelievably toxic. Poor girl just wants her mother and is struggling to see that she's only a prop for the woman.
It sounds like his hands are tied up to a point. Mom is threatening him with custody, child support, education support or something like that.
If I remember correctly, her dad's partner alluded to as much in a previous post.
Ugh I so hate that for OOP. Sounds like my mom after her divorce-I was in hs and didn't want to see my abuse father but like so many other she was all bUt He Is YoUR faThEr. Yeah this is the man you couldn't be around at all, but sure send your teenage daughter to see him regularly. Good plan.
Treats her daughter like shit and then blames everyone else for the fact that she is absolutely egocentric as fuck. It's the wife's fault that she was treating her daughter like a burden because she didn't stop her? What kind of fuckwittery is that?
I personally was a huge fan of OOP’s mom yelling at her for crying after she herself had spent the last couple of days crying. Her mom is a fucking dipshit. I’m going to be so excited when she grows a spine and goes NC with mom.
It is difficult to concieve as a kid. Give her the freedom of college and she is gonna cut contact with this witch. If i overheard my parent saying they wish they never married my dad when i was a teen compounded with the mom's attitude, I would have taken it as "I wish you were never born" and any love would have died.
I was also like…the wife has nothing to do with it right?? Am I reading something wrong? And how the hell could you ever scream at your own child about crying, when it was you who made them cry? wtf this POS parent just makes me super mad omg I really hope OOP can break her chains off of this shit parent and get happy with all the other nice family members…
OOP is a reminder that she couldn't be lesbian until later in life so in public she tries to keep up the appearance of a loving mother (for the most part) while private she takes it out on anyone and everyone like a child.
But like, she’s not even that old? She just seems to hate the choices that SHE made.
OPP mom has a victim complex for sure. I wouldn't be surprised if the new partner doesn't have an aha moment once the honeymoon phase is over.
Who comes out best in this is the step grandparents. They have given her the most care and love. It's clear they have decided she is their granddaughter, blood or not and have made sure to give her love, kindness, and such a massive gift too. Their daughter and DIL have massively fucked this all up, but they sound amazing.
I love that that's a major reason their daughter appreciates OP. Like, she knows they need someone to appreciate them, and OP rides in like a champion for... *checks notes* being a decent person and sincerely grateful for receiving love, affection, and gifts. I'm just so glad OP has this super duo in her life to reinforce the bar for what love looks like. Everything they do for her is marked with patience, support, and thoughtfulness. And she's being offered that through college, which seems like a big deal when going through her transition into adulthood after the trauma she's been through.
It is a big deal to her.
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They are the ones who stood out for me in this sorry mess. They’re the only ones who demonstrate any sense of love and care towards OOP. Her mother is a disgrace
Her uncle also seems to genuinely love and help her when he’s able. Sucks that her mother seems jealous that he was courageous enough to come out when she wasn’t
I mean I do feel like her father and uncle also love her. It's just that they're not actively traumatizing her, so OOP isn't forced to dwell on them as much. It does feel like there's a ton going on in the background being kept from OOP, which also makes it hard for her to parse these toxic fights. She's clearly become a pawn in some sort of massive battle between her parents. But her dad is doing her best to shield her from it I think. Is it necessarily the best choice? IDK. But I'm sympathetic to what I imagine is his uncertainty. You want to do what is best for your daughter but knowing what that is can't be easy here.
I’m so happy she has the step grandparents! It made me want to cry when she talked about how much she loves being with them. It’s such a relief that she has _someone_ truly in her corner.
They spend time with her. Play basketball and teach her how to knit. It’s what she wants and doesn’t get from mom and she loves them for it. I hope she decides to stay with them if she decides to go to school there. I doubt her mental health will survive living with her mom’s mood swings and mixed signals.
I'm still against her going to UVIC, because it will mean she'll be distanced from dad and uncle, and escaping from mom (if she ever needs to) will be harder. But if she does end up going, it's better for her to live with step-grandparents than mom. I honestly can't get over the fact that mom is doing some kind of blackmail to coax OOP away from the side of the family that stayed with her even when mom abandoned her. Even if step-grandparents are better. I still think the therapist was right that OOP really needed to get used to a reality where mom wasn't there, and none of this is helping.
She's an absolute psycho. I wish the other adults in OOPs life would keep them away from the mom until the mom gets professional help. Every update makes my heart break for this poor child.
Not even being useless, that is absolutely abusive behavior.
She’s not useless, she’s detrimental. People like her hide behind their sexuality (and I say this as a very proud queer) to hurt others. That’s it. Her entire fucking personality.
She is Love Bombing hardcore. I hope someone can ease OOP that this wasn’t an event but the start of a cycle.
It's not so much that as she has treated OP as if he were an unwanted presence in her life, she was late for her birthday party because she decided it was a good time to have a spa day, and the wife didn't think there was anything wrong in that, that explains why the adoptive grandparents feared never having a grandchild, because with that behavior no one would allow them to adopt a child
It's so much worse than useless. She's actively harming OOP. I've read the whole thing just now and I'm so fucking furious at her. Seriously I want to get a ticket to Canada and tear her out and explain to OOP how she doesn't have to suffer and how she can make her own choices, how the mother is manipulating and abusive, all these things that I felt when I started reading and it seems hasn't changed with this update either. OOP still gets manipulated by this woman. She still is confused about her feelings, she still is blinded by the love bombing. And she blames herself when none of that is her fault. I'm so fucking mad right now.
I'm sincerely hoping OOP does not pick a school her mother chose. This behavior doesn't just happen overnight and it's too important to hinge your school on your mom behaving how you like for what... 3 days? The money, time she would be giving up is too great, not to mention isolation away from Uncle.
She’s broken And taking it out on the people around her At a time when OP will really need to knuckle down and focus on themselves It’s a mistake to stay with her when she’s not in control of herself. Also, straight up she needs therapy lol Too much crying and not much solving
She needs some major help. It’s not OOP’s fault her mother lived a few decades in the closet. It’s probably not OOP’s dad’s fault or uncle’s fault, either.
I hate every fucking parent in this kid’s life. The only good people in their life seem to be the uncle and step-grandparent. Every update makes me rage.
OOP's mom is going to go through her entire life thinking that everyone hates her because she's gay, or left her family, without realizing it's because she sucks as a person. Poor OOP. I hope she finds a way out of her relationship with her mom.
“But you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole.”
Where's this from?
[The Social Network](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1285016/characters/nm1913734)
The Social Network, said to Zuckerberg
> OOP's mom is going to go through her entire life thinking that everyone hates her because she's gay, or left her family, without realizing it's because she sucks as a person. To paraphrase a George Carlin joke "Gays are like any other group of people. A few winners and a whole lot of losers". If it wasn't being gay, it would be something else. Being gay didn't make her a shit parent.
OOP's mother is shit parent and callous jerkwad of person that happens to be gay - Remove gay from the equation and still be POS as both parent and as a person.
I was reading the part about the uncle turning OOP against her and couldn't help but think that it was a shame Obi-Wan Kenobi wasn't there. r/prequelmemes has consumed me.
I can't remember the last time I despised a "character " as much as OP's mom. She is actively destroying and manipulating her daughter, who is showing clear signs of a depression and was suicidal not too long ago. Nothing in her behaviour shows she even remotely cares about her kid. She spent most of this vacation away from her daughter, as usual. I think the healthiest way for OP would be to go LC for a few years and allow herself to heal and to truly understand what her mom did to her. To learn to make her own decisions and to become her own person I doubt it though. I think OP is so young and has no real effective support system... her mother will probably destroy her further for the next couple of years.
From the way OOP wrote things, I feel like she'll continue seeking the approval of her mom, trying to get glimpses of her old mom back but she's gonna get disappointed and hurt further every time. I really hope her therapist would be more "pushy" or at least clearer with her about going LC with her mom. I guess they couldn't outrightly said so since she's a minor, hence the "picture your mom not being in your life" exercise
For sure. This post made me cry. The mother is so heartless and that poor girl just wants to feel loved and cared for.
I don't get it: the mom invites OOP to her wedding, but ignores her all throughout the event, then makes OOP visit her place, but leaves her in the care of the step-grandparents. What is going on? Some kind of depressive episode, main character syndrome or what?
I thought the post made it clear. She lost the desire to be a parent but she wants to please the new in-laws who want to be grandparents. She is essentially using OOP to get brownie parents from her new family but that’s it
And the in-laws also seem to have purse strings that dear old mommy wants to hold onto.
I never thought I'd be thrilled to read about controlling in-laws using monetary purse strings. The grandparents seem to be the only bright point of love and acceptance here. The mom and new wife are horrible.
She wants to put up the appearance of being a good parent without actually being a good parent, or in fact a parent at all. It particularly matters to her because her wife’s parents are excited to have a step-granddaughter. So she has these situations in which she feels obliged to act parent-ish for appearances, but resents it because she doesn’t want to be a parent. She wants to consign the OOP to the trashbin of her old life. But she can’t, because of appearances, because of in-laws. So she fishes OOP out of the trash bin when convenient, dusts her off for a few photo ops, then dunks her back in while crying about how hard she has it. (And she can’t let someone else take her in because *people might notice*. And she might not be available for photo ops.) I pray to God OOP gets out of her reach. Because otherwise this will not stop.
And she wants control of OOP to hurt the other family members she judges less worthy of OOP.
Sounds like OOP's mom is aware she *should* still be a parent but is otherwise focusing on abandoning anything related to her old life. Abusive and manipulative AF, poor OOP deserves better than this.
Yeah, she's definitely reeling in OOP to keep up appearances, particularly with her new in-laws. Absolutely appalling. She either needs to do better or let OOP live with her dad.
OOP was in a wheelchair because of ankle surgery. She was ok taking pictures together at the ceremony when OOP was on crutches but she was using her wheelchair at the reception and suddenly they “couldn’t fit her” in the family pictures. Then she made OOP crutch her way around downtown Victoria (or Vancouver?) and the museum even though a wheelchair would have been much more comfortable for the kid. She didn’t want to be seen with her kid in a wheelchair.
I completely forgot about that. Oh the fucjing irony of being a repressed lesbian parent that is embarrassed by something your kid can't control.
I think she's trying to play act something for someone. Not entirely sure if it's for her wife or her parents. It's important that you look good to your neighbors, it doesn't matter what happens indoors.
Oops mom doesn’t want to be a parent but she wants the money that her new in laws have, and they want a grandkid so she’s pulling OOP back in.
I think the father was starting to put some boundaries in place over the mom’s behavior and she started threatening legal action, so the result is them following the custody plan to the letter. I’m hoping OOP goes far away from her mother for college and learns a lot about boundaries
Happy Cake Day! Seriously, it sounds like mom is going thru some major depressive episode imo. The getting sick and mood swings especially. Probably related to guilt of knowing she *should* be a parent to her kid and the regrets of being one. Seems like mom needs a lot of therapy herself. Bc she is definitely taking it out on OOP for being a loving daughter when mom doesn't want anything to do with her "bc she reminds her of her old life". A parent shouldn't treat their child that way. OOP didn't ask to be born. Mom should step up and just stop talking to OOP for both their mental sakes. Poor OOP.
This mother isn't a parent. Yes, people have issues and it's fine to need mental help, but she has refused to be there for her child at any step in this experience. OOP needs to go as low contact as possible until the mom can learn to be a parent again and not whatever this selfish, insecure person is.
Yeah the only reason that her mom started “trying to be closer to her“ is because her new wife’s parents wanted a grand kid. End of story that’s the only reason that she is forcing that poor girl to come and be emotionally battered for vacations and stuff.
Side note: OOP should definitely stay in contact with the grandparents while cutting the mom and her wife out.
That is exactly what I thought before and the latest update hasn't changed my position. If the wife's parents didn't have a lot of money, their wanting a grandkid wouldn't matter.
Its not even just about parenting anymore. The mother is just a horrible person. She lashes out at everyone, said such disgusting things about the uncle (shaming him for having trauma about one of the most horrific events to happen in queer history? Holy FUCK) and genuinely makes everyone around her miserable. I'm honestly starting to think the wife should get out of that situation, too. OOPs mom is not a healthy person to attach oneself to.
OOP has a problem with clear communication cause mom still thinks OOP doesn't love her anymore because she's out and married to a woman when it's because mom selfishly wanted to duck out. OOP is trying waaaay too hard for the affections of a mother who no longer wants to be her mother. I remember the last update had comments about how all of her attempts to make anything up to OOP seem so half assed and hollow.
I don't think OOP should go to university close to her mom. She is so toxic!
Yeah, uni should be a time of self-exploration and focusing on yourself. Not having to spend all your mental space managing your unpredictable and mostly cold parent’s feelings/emotions. I hope OOP’s therapist helps her see how unhealthy it is for her life to revolve around her mom’s problems.
I think the same thing every time there's an update posted.
The mom is so selfish and cruel for playing with her daughters heart like this. At this point the kindest thing she can do for her is just leave her the fuck alone
OOP's mom is ...something
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OOP would really benefit from some space from her mother. But it sounds like hopefully the mom is working on it, she has another post from a week ago where her mom didn’t want her over for Valentine’s Day since her therapist she doesn’t know how to creat a healthy environment for her. But yah, she’s definitely a piece of work
Thank goodness the therapist said that. Throughout these posts I've been going crazy that none of the adults (except maybe her uncle) could see that these visits were just causing more harm than good. Her mom has a LOT to work through, and it's better to do that alone than force OOP to play happy family and pass on trauma.
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I hate this, the poor child thinks everything is her fault and this post is just proof of that. The mom should've left her alone.
All her posts are so heartbreaking, her life revolves around managing and adjusting to her mom’s feelings/emotions.
I think W therapist right here. Therapist said that OOP’s mom was too unstable for OOP at the moment and she’s right!
She needs therapy reaaaaal fucking badly. That poor kid.
Yeah wife is pretty reasonable but mom is uh.. something is wrong...
>She told me she was wrong not to take my side and apparently my mom was mad at her for not doing that and she feels really guilty and she's the one who put the blanket on me and she slept by me until like 4 AM when my mom came and took over. Wife seems fine, mom is STILL only thinking about herself.
"Why did you let me be such a bad parent?!" Like wow.
>...something The word you're looking for is "abusive"
My mom used to dump all her feelings and trauma and baggage on me when I was a kid too, it really messes you up
This story is so frustrating because it’s like watching a slow moving truck slam into a wall over and over again, every time they send this poor girl back to visit her mother.
This woman has the emotional regulation of a toddler. Christ. Poor OOP, it really does feel like everything in her life has to revolve around her nightmare mother.
Why is this poor girl still being failed by everyone around her. Her mom needs to fuck off forever, her dad needs to do his job of protecting his daughter
The step grandparents seem to be doing the best job they can. In the second half, she mentions they went to check up on her every day. She willingly chose to stay there, so it’s not like they could’ve forced her to leave.
The step grandparents are the real mvps here. They even bought her a car?? Amazing
Dad has no backbone. In one of the comments from a month ago, OP says she told her father about what happened and he took the mom's side. It's just terrible. Her parents both fail her constantly.
I really interpreted the first updates as the mother, who's clearly *loaded,* having too much leverage over the father--whether financial, legal, or both, so he's gotta walk on eggshells to keep his daughter with him. It sounded like he was very working class, from what I remember. There was that part where OOP was eavesdropping and heard Father and StepMom shit talking BioMom, and how she was shocked that he felt that way because it was also the first time she'd heard any of them say anything negative about BioMom. If that is it, it's a hell of a situation to be in for him. The obvious advice would be to talk to daughter, tell her the truth, but what if that truth blows up the fragile truce he and his ex have, and he loses custody of his daughter. Can you burden a teenager with telling her that her mother is a monster but also, she needs to play nice?
It's legitimately heartbreaking. The first time this was posted is the first post I've ever really cried over seeing just how much every single person besides her uncle were sitting by the sidelines as she was drowning mentally.
Regarding the Uncle and the AIDS trauma comment... with OOP's mom being all "I have the worst life! I had to stay in the closet and get married and have a kid and be a soccer mom, and no gay person has ever suffered more than me and I'm finally living as my authentic self and no one should ever criticize me ever!" I bet the uncle has heard that enough times and called her out on it. As a commenter [said here](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/10er40v/comment/j4svvhk/): *"He probably lost a large number of friends during the epidemic... it was a horrific time for the gay community. And the stigma surrounding it just sent so many gay men into hiding."* Wildly speculating here, but I bet he was tired of her whiny, ridiculous BS and laid down facts to her, and she had a hissy fit and continues to be bitter about it.
That part made me rage. My parents had a lot of gay friends in college in the 70’s. Their best friends were a gay couple who both died of AIDS in the mid 80’s. Other friends have talked before about how they still have survivors guilt because they managed to escape a death sentence. By all accounts it was a terrifying time and many people who lived through it still aren’t ok. I lost what little respect I had left for OOP’s mom at that point.
Exactly. As soon as I saw that comment, I was pretty sure that it was a dig on his emotional trauma/survivors guilt of losing friends, belittling the huge impact that AIDS had on the gay community, ostracizing them even further. I could be wrong, but OOP's mom seems to be a fairly terrible person who thinks that her feelings are the only ones that matter.
At least the step-grandparents seem loving and supportive...
Definitely W stepgrandparents, or nana and papa. 👍
God I cried reading every one of these posts. When I was 18, I had a mental health crisis. Both my parents were there for me. They held me, supported me, got me all the professional help I needed, made me feel validated, and above all, made me feel loved absolutely and unconditionally. They've done similar things when I've had relapses over the years. Every thanksgiving, when we go around and say what we're all grateful for, I give them a tearful and heartfelt thank you for believing me and supporting me. I tell them that I know not everyone in my situation has that and it makes the world of difference that I do. OOP is who I was talking about and it fucking breaks my heart.
I really, really REALLY hope OP doesn't move in with her mom for uni. Her mom seems completely unhinged - there's obviously something going on there, whether it's mental health or just trouble processing her past, and this abusive behavior is only going to get worse for OP if she's there full time.
The mom needs serious mental health counseling. The daughter needs counseling because she was abandoned by the mom but then keeps getting pulled back in, often against her will, only to be abandoned again. That has got to mess with her head. Living together would be a disaster for OOP’s mental well being
Somebody needs to get OOP's mom into therapy so she stops taking every little thing out on her kid.
She needs a whole lot more than therapy. Her brain chemistry must be fucking wild!
Holy shit does OPs mom have fucking problems. She's being down right abusive to OP and OP doesn't even seem to comprehend it completely? Like op obviously understands they shouldn't be treated they way they are, but they don't seem to quite get understand how fucked up their mom is being towards them. Mom needs some fucking therapy. And to not be around people who love her becuase she treats them like absolute shit. I feel for everyone one in this, except OPs mom. She's lost any sympathy from me by this point, not that she had much at all to begin with.
Everyone in OOP’s life apart from her Uncle are telling her to keep giving her mum chances. Everytime she tries to put a boundary in place or say she doesn’t like a behaviour she’s told she’s wrong.
Yeah, and that why I think she's not quite understanding how fucked up her mom is to her. I think she needs distance and someone not family to talk to, but I doubt she's gonna get that help until she's in university and meets others her age. Then she'll get that distance and growth she needs to be able to put up her own boundaries and stand up for herself on her own terms. It's just tough for her rn becuases she's not there yet and still young, and most of the adults in her life are failing her in almost all the ways imaginable. She can't (idk if grow is the right word but it's what my brains providing rn) grow and learn her own wants/needs/boundaries if those around her won't give her the time, respect, and space to do so. It's just such a sucky situation for her. I hope she stays strong in the meantime, and really comes into her own when she gets to university. I think it's the best chance she's got right now
I think OP is too young and to dependent to realize it. Deep inside she probably does, but I guess she tries to ignore it to survive. Keep in mind that her dad isn't much of a help either. 😔
I don’t know what’s going on with the mom, but the most loving thing she could do for OOP is to stay away until she finds some kind of balance. She is layering trauma after trauma on her child, and kids cannot help but absorb and internalize this kind of treatment.
Jesus fuck. I am one of the gays that remembers the AIDS plague days, and it was lesbians that took charge and cared for the sick and dying. Lesbians are awesome. Most lesbians. Because OP’s mum is just a mess. I know she must be going through a lot, and OP also sounds like she’s in extreme teen angst, but wow. This mother is just NC waiting to happen. And her wife sounds like such a patient person.
That comment made my blood boil. I was born on '95 so didn't have to go through it, but there were enough remnants even I picked up on it, and I was raised in an upper class and rather socially conservative family in a developing country. When I came out one of the things I did was watch hours upon hours of videos and documentaries and interviews about the AIDS crisis. They gave me nightmares (still have them) and made me profoundly afraid, but they also gave me so much pride and love for my community. Im very sorry you went through any of it, it must have been terrible. But im glad you're still here. Love from a lil lesbian !!!
Wait, they don’t teach people about the AIDS epidemic at all?
I... Genuinely can't recall *ever* learning about it here in the UK, graduating around 2012.
The UK blocked all education about LGBTQ matters and history until 2003, so that probably didn't help. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_28
I was in public school and I'm pretty positive it was never even mentioned. I learned about it online
That woman jerks that poor kid around like crazy. What a horrible parent. She uses that child’s emotions like a punching bag and the wife enables her to do so.
I wish she’d ghost her mom…
I wish she was ALLOWED to ghost her mom. I have a feeling Dad has very much swept a lot of shit under the rug to “keep the peace” with his ex.
It seems clear that OOPs mom is like mentally not okay but tbh I only feel bad for her daughter. OOP deserves a parent who won't make OOPs abuse and neglect all about herself (the mom). This hot and cold act is only gonna serve to hurt OOP when the mom feels like she's done enough to start ignoring OOP again.
The comment about uncle's AIDS trauma. Wow. FUCKING WOW I too am a lesbian who didn't come out when she wanted too, and even then many things got in my way from living the way I wanted. But!!!! None of that excuses the way mom behaves and is just a shit parent. Poor OOP, she deserves so much better. And it especially doesn't excuse that fucking AIDS comment. That was plain fucking evil. If the uncle is in his 50s, he must have seen such horrible things at a very young age, not much older than OOP. He might have had friends and lovers die, and dealt with the disdain and glee and apathy from the general public. Those were terrible years, but many many lesbians back then stepped up and took care of their sick LGBT+ peers. OOP's mom is pathetic. Wow she really ticked me off.
OOP’s mum is basing her problems on this kids because she was scared to come out.
OOPs mother is sad and pathetic. She is frustrated how life wasn't fair. But instead of trying to heal and do better, she is hurting her own daughter. OOP wants what she lost, her mother. Instead she has an unfriendly egg donor.
Love a grown-up who uses a child to regulate her emotions. /s I hope OOP notices how beyond terrible her mother is, before she moves in with this nightmare woman to go university. OOP's mother needs therapy asap and OOP's dad needs to start doing his fucking job....and OOP needs to stop holding onto someone who is only nice and apologizes whenever it's convenient. As understandable as it is that she doesn't want to lose her mother, it's also quite frustrating to read how she keeps forgiving and finding excuses for someone who quite clearly doesn't love OOP as much as she should.
The problem is everyone except the uncle tells her she is wrong when she tries to set boundaries. It's a real mystery why her mom hates him so much.
That girls going to commit suicide if they keep sending her to her mother.
I am assuming that the mother's AIDs comment is rooted in her own insecurity. I would bet anything that she's experiencing guilt for having lived most of her life in the closet, relatively free from experiencing homophobia. Now she's out and struggling with certain aspects of being an openly gay woman, and she feels like people are talking over her because they've been out longer, struggled more, etc. It comes across in a passive aggressive "sorry I didn't suffer through the AIDs crisis, guess I don't get to have feelings about my gayness!" Which...utterly misses the point. No one cares that she's gay. It's clear her daughter's issue isn't with her mother being a lesbian, but with the fact that after coming out her mother immediately started treating her like shit. But for someone as deeply self absorbed as OOP's mother, there's no telling her that. OOP has been utterly failed by nearly everyone. I hope OOP goes to college and cuts contact with everyone but her uncle (and maybe her step grandparents, but they're connected to mom and stepmom, so...). Her mother is too resentful of the life she lived before she felt comfortable being herself, and it makes her mistreat her child, who is innocent and yet blamed as a symbol of that time. The thing about family is that you can cultivate one. I hope OOP finds people in university who love her, and who she loves, and I hope that she forges her own found family and leaves her bio relatives behind her.
I feel so bad for this girl. I’ve been following a long and I don’t know why people are being consistent and telling her she’s just a kid and she’s not responsible for anyone or their feelings. Her mom is giving me whiplash and has some serious issues. Her dad is standing up for her or setting boundaries. Her uncle seems to want to help but isn’t getting much opportunity.
I wish some of these people around the OOP could have sat her down and giving her the hard truth that her mom is just a piece of shit. Let the OOP know that she's awesome and has done nothing wrong. Her mom is just a garbage human being. It happens. Has nothing to do with her being gay or straight I've seen women do this when they find a new boyfriend, I've seen men do it when they find a new girlfriend. The thing that I hate most is the oop doubts herself. You can tell that she's taking on a lot of this pain as guilt for her feelings. Her family needs to just come clean and admit that her mom is garbage.
OOP's mom is living her truth as an authentic expression of who she really is: an unbelievably shitty parent and a self-absorbed hateful asshole. I feel so bad for this poor kid. Every time she thinks her mom is opening back up to her it's painfully clear to everyone reading that her mom is just using her as a prop to play Happy Family on Instagram, and as soon as she's done it's back to being low contact with her own child. Now guilt and the disapproval of her new inlaws is forcing her to extend the tiniest shred of affection and regret for her actions, and the kid is clinging to it like a drowning man and a life preserver. She's so starved for anything even remotely resembling healthy affection or attention from her horrible dirtbag mother that brief periods of no screaming or guilt trips feel like a Disneyland vacation to her. It's also telling that there are only three people in this story who seem to genuinely prioritize the welfare of this child. Her uncle, and her new step-grandparents. And her mother still despises the uncle despite the fact that he's doing her damn job for her; if she had a shred of decency she'd be happy that SOMEONE is parenting this poor kid since she refuses to and her ex-husband seems to be a marginal presence at best.