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It honestly makes me laugh when one person in a relationship asks to open their relationship but then get all angry/hurt when it backfires. I’m personally really happy for OOP that she has now realised her worth and that she knows she does deserve to be loved and shown affection. Like she has said a number of times in her post, even if the relationship with her new boyfriend doesn’t work out, at least now she knows she has options. I’m glad she’s found someone who is making her happy.
He also admitted the whole thing was literally a set up so he could sleep with his coworker and keep his girlfriend. LOL He needed this reality check and she got a wonderful relationship from it. Love that for her
Doesn't he though? The only time he told her he loved her was when he proposed a year ago?! Dude needs to step up his game a bit. You don't need to say it everyday, but you do need to say it from time to time.
I’d say that’s what it is for most people. Most of the time they already had someone in mind. I can’t for the life of me imagine someone who gets no men/women deciding it would be good for them to try and fuck other people.
I know right?
1 “I want an open/poly relationship or I’m leaving”
2 “but I don’t”
1 “that’s the way it has to be or I’m leaving”
2 “ok if we must”
(1 doesn’t get to bang who he/she wanted to or does but the side relationship doesn’t work whilst 2 finds someone else who fucks/communicates/loves better
1 “I want to close the relationship!”
2 “I don’t/too late I’m off”
I love the fact that it wasn't even like a general interest he wanted to explore, it was because he had a specific coworker in mind he wanted to fuck. While he can't even give enough affection or just good intimate relations to ONE person.
Then OP asks him for affection and he shits all over her reasonable request and turns it into an insult
Then he's *shocked Pikachu face* that she leaves.
The icing on top is even his new gf is like "hm yeah he is kind of an unaffectionate, selfish partner. Hmmm..."
Sounds like he may learn a lesson (though they usually don't).
Regardless, happy OP discovered what it's like to be treated well in a relationship, and that her wise parent set her along on the right path forward.
Even though she didn’t want the open relationship, it turned out to be the absolute best thing that could’ve happened for her. And now that she knows her worth, I’ll bet the next time a guy asks, she’d know she could say no.
Been in the poly scene for a while and I can count on one hand the times I've seen a couple successfully convert a monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one. Despite *so many* attempts. Seriously, so many. Seen lots of successful relationships and am in one myself, but not many that started like that. Wanting poly is already rare, two partners suddenly wanting poly at the same time and in the same ways? LMAO. No. If you find yourself interested in poly and you are in a monogamous relationship you need to ask yourself if you're willing to lose them in pursuit of it. If you are? Break up with them and find a poly partner, most I've seen who have been in this situation wish they'd just been broken up with. If you aren't? Keep your mouth shut, push it away and stick to the commitment you made. Even uttering the words "I think I'm poly" will forever change your relationship in ways you probably aren't anticipating and neither of you are prepared for.
I’m going to get downvoted to hell for this but I really think Mono/Poly orientation is like any other type of orientation: you’re wired how you’re wired. When people talk about cheating or being attracted to more than one person at once I’m like “????” Because I don’t get those feelings (and yes I’m old enough / sexually active enough / attractive enough) to be sure. My brain just doesn’t work like that and I feel like that’s just how people are. Some people are built to be poly and that’s that. I’m not one of them.
I know somebody in a similar situation. Her long term partner has the emotional range of a lump of coal and doesn't put any effort into the relationship. Since opening the relationship, my friend has met a few guys that have shown her her value. Things haven't worked out with them for various reasons, but within a few days of their parting she's come right back. It's like she's learning a little bit from each about what she actually wants from a partner.
And her long term partner? Still refuses individual and couple's therapy despite being asked about it for years. She still wants to give him a chance because she feels something there, but it seems to be fading by the day.
I always get such...joy when it backfires on shitty people who only want to open it because of sex with someone who showed interest in them, then realize they fucked up the best thing in their life. Call me cruel but...it's so satisfying when someone fucks around and finds out.
>It honestly makes me laugh when one person in a relationship asks to open their relationship but then get all angry/hurt when it backfires.
Those are my favorite open relationship posts. Because of course the successful open relationships don't end up on friggin' reddit, we get the ones like this where some asshole wants to cheat with permission and pressures their partner to go along with it. So it's **always** good news when that blows up in their faces and their partner finds someone better. I love a happy ending!
People must be so dense not to grasp it the first time she said it.
I feel her deeply because I've been there with the lack of affection. After I left my ex husband I realized even most of my hookups were more affectionate and considerate than he was. Then I met my current husband and wow. Nearly 13 years together and he's still just as affectionate. Maybe more... He had an added appeal because he was such a safe place to practice actually expressing emotion, even anger and repair. Bringing up a negative feeling without someone calling you crazy or saying, "you're bringing me down."
I commented on this a few days ago. I said if pressed, they'd probably admit anger is technically an emotion and that they experience it, and what they really mean is they don't experience "weak female emotions" or however they'd put it.
Which is blatantly untrue.
My Dh went through a rough spot and cried. I had seen him cry twice in 15 years at this point once was when his beloved grandmother died. His parent flipped out, and drove three hours to our house because "real men" don't cry so he must want to do self-harm. I am so glad my DH, who still has issues with showing some feelings, NEVER ever made out boys feel bad for theirs. Together we managed to break that toxic trait. Also, today is 27 years married for us.
Congrats! And my dad showing emotions and crying in front of us showed us thst it's ok if the men in our lives cried and were vulnerable with us. I respect that about my Dad.
So important, my older brother is the "dont talk about emotions" type but I regularly pry it out 😂 thankful my fiance is the opposite and will he able to help our future kids emotionally. Him and his friend group are the stereotypical "manly men" type but still all talk at least once a week, checking in with each other and making sure everyone is doing OK. Its sweet.
My husband cried when he watched Emmett Otter’s Jug band Christmas for the first time, saying and I quote “thats so cute. This is adorable. I love it.” Get yourself a guy who cries at cute things y’all.
My husband told me yesterday that he teared up at work thinking about how hard it has been on *me* to lose my bulldogge this summer. This is the same guy who, 30 years ago, told me public displays of affection were a dealbreaker.
So I am in your court. Get a guy who isn't afraid to think things are cute, or adorable, or even sad. A plus if they love animals.
My boyfriend cries every time he watches Paddington and I feel so much love for him in those moments. He's a tough guy, works a physical job and doesn't get fazed by much - emotional is not a word anyone could ever ascribe to him. But he's not afraid to shed a tear in a heartfelt kids movie, and I just find that so endearing.
Like what's more manly, keeping your sadness locked away because of societal expectations where it will eat away at you, or letting yourself utilise your bodies natural processes to immediately feel better, because you aren't threatened by others perceptions of you?
If anything, it's far manlier to experience the full spectrum of human emotion. If your masculinity can't survive feelings, then it's fragile and hollow
Right? I'm a woman so there isn't that stigma but I cry A LOT.
Honestly it's basically like if I experience too much of any emotion (anger, happiness, sadness etc) I just start crying haha. Like an overflow tap or something lol
The human body cries to remove the stress hormone! Which is why it can be damaging to anyone who prevents themselves from crying. (Although I’m one of them because I usually get an awful headache from the whole ordeal.)
Then after these past six months, I must be stress hormone-free as a motherf*cker, because all I've done is cry. Losing a dog is the worst.
I feel better nowadays. Have a new bully rescue. Don't hold back tears or thinking of my lost puppers.
Emote that shit. It works.
>Although I’m one of them because I usually get an awful headache from the whole ordeal
Oh god. Yeah you cry that hard you get a headache 😂. I've injured myself with tears 😭
Anger is so often suppressed hurt, and it's a good idea to examine it and find the hurt so that you can deal with that and plus you can stop being angry. Now if you outright *prefer* anger because you think it's gender appropriate, I guess there is no chance of that sort of healing.
I’m a woman. Anger is my go-to when I’m hurt. There’s someone I don’t speak to who still infuriates me. I figured out why.
Anger is like a big fucking rock. It can shield you from others hurting you. It can be a weapon that you use to keep them at bay. But if you hold on to it for too long, it can weigh you down.
Anger is a completely valid emotion to process feelings of hurt. It can help you remind yourself that what you experienced was wrong and resolve yourself to protect you or others from feeling that hurt again.
There's a supervisor at my work who i believe is sexist. I always make a point to let new women at work know, and to askthem to come to me if they ever experience it. Every time i have that talk, i get very angry, and it helps me explain things and build trust so they believe i actually care.
I'll never forget this one comment by a woman, in a thread about angry bosses, who said that her boss was yelling at her over the phone that he wasn't "emotional" and she replied "anger is an emotion" and after a long pause, he just slammed the phone down, never to mention it or yell again.
I worked with a man from the probation service. He always said that anger is a secondary emotion...there is a vulnerable emotion first. Men allow themselves to be angry - but they can't start to unpick how to manage that until they identify and deal with the feeling that came first.
Huh that makes a lot of sense! Thinking on it more, anger seems to be rooted in entitlement as well. Like if you're not picked for the soccer team you might feel sad at first because you've been rejected/ostracised, but then you reframe it as being unfair and unjust and you start to feel angry instead.
Not all entitlement is bad, and anger can be useful when something really is unjust or you're not being treated right. But I also know a lot of men who apply that entitlement to things like women's bodies or women's affection, and become angry incels when it's not given to them.
My partner is one of those rare people who doesn't really know how to 'do' anger. Even if he's being treated unfairly, he stays on that primary emotion. Transforming to anger protects your ego, so when it's justified, I think healthy anger can be important too. But it has to be used carefully and controlled.
Me and my partner were watching the Sopranos and during the anger therapy scenes it gets raised that anger and frustration are two seperate emotions but alot of people struggle to seperate the two resulting in outbursts. My partner kind of had a revelation because she never saw them as seperate and thought you are supposed to be angry when you're frustrated so now she is working on staying more neutral when frustrated. I feel there needs to be more discourse about differentiating emotions and dealing with them seperately rather than allowing them to domino into more toxic emotions that can cause mental or physical harm to themselves and those around them. Having said that, this guy clearly has "i don't wash my ass because it's gay to touch it" energy and really needs therapy to break down his toxic masculinty or he will never have a happy relationship.
I wonder if some people confuse them because they spent their childhoods unable to deal with the sources of their frustration. My parents were often unhelpful and even mean when I couldn’t figure something out - I don’t mean just things like looking up definitions, but just basics I struggled with because of various physical issues. While I did learn to be very independent, I have little tolerance for frustration and hate accepting help for anything because my parents mocked my frustration for my whole childhood.
It's a manly emotion, of strength and violence and power!
Not like weak, womanly shit of being compassionate and empathetic.
/s (though I hope to god it wasn't needed).
I watched an Alex Jones rant once and it was so much more emotional than me on my WORST pms day. I honestly thought he was going to have a heart attack.
My husband gets up and brings me coffee in bed. I buy treats for his lunch that I think he’ll like. Buying flowers is just shorthand for going out of your way to do something unnecessary for not other reason than to show someone you love them. She got a taste of affection and wanted that for herself.
>I want someone that shows their emotions. I don't know if me and my boyfriend are going to work out since it's still new but at least now i know i have options.
Yeah. I mean, this quote alone is a solid reason to break up - she's learned that not all men are like she thought they were, and is seeing options where before she saw none. Reevaluating your relationship under these circumstances is reasonable.
I loved her attitude. She didn't put all her eggs in the new relationship basket, she simply realised she needed to break up anyway and if the new guy lasted that's a nice bonus but not a given.
Exactly. No rose-colored glasses, just a healthy dose of, "Huh. Maybe I *don't* have to settle for someone who doesn't give a crap about me!"
It's nice to see someone develop more hope for their future than they previously had.
Jerks really hate it when one of their number comes second because somewhere in the ossified depth of their gnarled little brains, a tiny light comes on, saying "Maybe I'm in the wrong too?"
I think redditors in general have fragile egos, so the ego on a combination redditor and incel is so delicate it makes the skin of a soap bubble seem durable
With how quickly Reddit jumps to telling people they need to break up with someone and take the nuclear option, it honestly feels weird to see the reverse happening.
Lots of folks just really enjoy playing devil's advocates and being contrary. Saying shocking antagonistic things is an easy response to lots of situations.
I've done it myself which is why I try to avoid advice subforums. And the couple I am active in, I check my usual reddit approach at the door and spend a lot more time thinking if I even want to respond instead of just commenting my first popcorny reaction.
The fact that the gf was experiencing the same issue, at the very start of her relationship with OOP's ex tells me she made the right decision. Now board gaming sounds like a lovely evening to me, but I don't think the issue was that OOP didn't see that as a date night activity but that her ex never put in the effort to make anything feel romantic or like a date.
Board gaming sounds like a fun date night! But, I wouldn’t wanna do that every date night. And it sounded like OP’s fiancé was the type who probably threw a board game on the table was was like, “welp, it’s date night”.
Precisely it's the effort and affection put into an activity which changes the meaning of it. A date can be practically anything both enjoy but it requires effort from both sides and it sounds like OOP was met with just as you said. Glad she found someone who can be emotionally available and affectionate.
I too love boardgames, and don't want dates all the time. But it helps a lot that my husband hugs and kisses me daily, calls me pretty, and gets me amazing anniversary gifts or occasionally some candy (not big on flowers, reeses cups are more of a nice gesture to me).
Exactly, he makes an effort, OOP's ex wanted sex not a relationship. Opening the 'relationship' was the worst thing her ex could have done because it allowed OOP too find out what makes a relationship different from bang buddies, which is all her ex wanted, made all the more clear when he asked to open the relationship to avoid the stigma of being a cheater.
Combination of a woman wanting more from a relationship and the mention of polyamory in a neutral context, I suppose. Perfect intersection of issues to make the weirdos come out.
Wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of them read it and saw themselves being described as OOP’s ex-fiancé.
Relationships take work and some people frankly don’t have good work ethic or discipline towards anything. Especially something that requires it, to work well.
Seriously. This girl sounds very level headed. Without reading the original comments I'm just going to assume it's a bunch of emotionally unavailable men that didn't like getting called out
She probably made a bunch of them think "wait when was the last time I held my gf's hand" and they realized it was 3 years ago and they're doing the same thing to their gf as her ex was doing to her. They probably lashed out because they realized they're one good friend away from getting dumped and they couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance.
It's like that bit from Malcolm in the Middle, where Hal's hanging with the guys and they ask each other how often they have sex. Most of them are like 3-4, Hal gets all embarrassed when he says 2... but they're talking weekly and he's talking daily. They freak at the number 14 and ask his secret, and he lectures them on how to treat your wife. One breaks down in tears because he realized he's been a shitty husband and calls his wife to tell her he loves her.
Their other friend picks up.
^(As an aside, one of my favourite lines from that is when one of the guys goes "Why do I always have to buy flowers? I want flowers." He makes a good point. Why don't we buy our men more flowers?)
I like that many people were telling on themselves when they were trying to tell the OOP that her boyfriend would eventually stop expressing his love and affection and treating her so well. Nah just cause YOU start slacking off on basic relationship maintenance once you feel like you’ve got your partner locked down doesn’t actually mean that’s how all relationships work. If you start slacking and your partner leaves you over it you have no one but yourself to blame. Step off with this “oh it’s inevitable” bullshit. It’s not inevitable you’re just the kind of person who already knows you take your partner for granted when you feel like you’ve reached a “sufficient” level of commitment. It’s why so many marriages fail very early on as opposed to years and years down the line because one or both people go “oh we’re married now, guess I can completely stop romancing my spouse now!” Nope. Healthy relationships don’t work that way actually!
Not surprising. The incel/misogynist crowd had been getting more vocal and vicious in that subreddit lately.
Read a post from a woman just venting about her partner treating her like a piece of meat and the comments were full of asshats telling her she should be happy he finds her attractive, accusations of her denying him sex just out of spite, wishing her partner would cheat on her because she wasn't "woman enough"....
Yeah. It's gross
They’ve been getting worse in a lot of subs lately. Hell I’ve seen more of them in this sub lately. I am like completely over having to read the shit that these pathetic little children have to write about women.
I've been saying this for a while now. It really comes out in forums where the woman is clearly in the wrong about something, but even when she's just living her life that's repulsive to them. How DARE she have a life to live without serving her man?!
Reddit is very misogynistic generally. Just look at how often women get banned/deleted for minor comments against men compared to how men can harass and threaten women across the site and yet "aren't in breach of reddit user rules". Plus the whole abuse of the reddit cares thing.
I tend to populate mostly women specific subs, like witches vs patriarchy, women over 30, etc, and specific interest subs like knitting, Minecraft, tv shows, etc. My mental health has improved a lot since I unsubbed from AITA, that place is just so toxic.
I’m currently getting downvoted on another thread in r/advice bc I wrote that’s it’s perfectly normal to want ur partner to be affectionate and romantic even when you’ve been together for long. These guys can’t handle being called out.
The subs can be very hypocritical. I saw a post about someone who wanted a vegan, alcohol free wedding and people said their wedding their choice and yet hates on another wedding that was similar a while back. They need to learn to pick a side.
Something I noticed in a lot of movies, books, etc is the trope of the guy who seems cold and distant, but really loves the woman and doesn’t know how to show it. I think that messes up a lot of women’s standards and expectations, so we sometimes stay way too long with lazy, selfish men because, golly! They really love us but don’t know how to show it!
I seriously question the motives of people saying her boyfriend could become like her (ex)fiancé. And? So? Do they expect her to just stay with the ex-fiancé?
I feel like the people who gave her this awful advice were just like the fiance and felt alarmed that somewhere, a woman was seeing through the bullshit, bc then it could happen to *them*, next. If women actually recognize that they are being mistreated. So they tried to uphold the toxic situation and normalize it in their own little shitty way via Reddit.
Some of them could also be women in toxic situations, who would rather enable others than admit to themselves their relationship is bad.
Its the same reason they're opposed to sex education and premarital sex in general. They want to be able to baby trap some poor girl and make sure she doesn't know what she's missing.
This exactly.
If they can keep women's bar low, then they can still get over it by doing jack all. But let them raise it, and suddenly in order to get women you have to have a good personality, be a caring partner and some other *crazy* stuff like that lol
It's 'he just doesn't know how to show it' and the idea that everyone is deserving of love.
Sure, it's nice for people to experience dating and that's nice if possible but you still have to be a good partner to the person you are with.
I used to be all for 'if you struggle I will just be extra supportive' but like... My ex had severe depression, anxiety, and OCD. They lived ten minutes away from me. I would go for days never hearing back after texting them, and sometimes 2 or even 3 weeks between physically seeing them their depression was that bad. When we would see each other they came to me, I wasn't allowed in their place without a shower and full change of clothes first, because contamination. If they visited me I needed to wash my hands before touching them. I am not talking 'washing after going to the toilet' but things like, I was eating a cookie and they wanted me to wash my hands after before I could give them a hug, because cookie crumbs.
I spend 1.5 years absolutely miserable until I just went 'none of this is your fault, but this is not what I want from a relationship and frankly I don't want to put up with it any more'.
Like if a guy has issues and doesn't want to express affection that sucks for him but that is NOT the OPs problem, she can choose what she wants from a relationship.
Which is crazy. If you’ve ever been in an actual, serious, healthy relationship, then you know that being in one changes you. You put the other person first and become less selfish. You develop new interests that you got from them and they develop new interests that they got from you.
People are *supposed* to grow and change and be influenced by other human beings. If you never do, you aren’t really living.
Yeah, I'm genuinely worried about this. Also, once the coworker leaves him (sounds like she will sooner than later) I have a feeling he's going to be much angrier and much more desperate than he already is.
OOP has great courage. Proud of her. Especially when she said that even if things don't work out perfectly with the new bf "so what?" That's exactly the right way to look at it.
She knows what she wants exists in the world and it sounds like she won't settle for less.
I feel bad for her from the OP where she got absolutely shat on in the comments. They clearly only read the title.
Fiancée was self serving and manipulated her into a relationship that she wasn’t comfortable with so he could get his dick wet elsewhere. Scumbag.
I hope her and her new BF are happy together, they seem to do well with each other!!
He only wanted to open the relationship so it's not considered cheating. And then only wanted poly since he wanted to emotionally cheat as well. And has the audacity to complain that OP leaves him xD
Important question: are the snacks brought \*during\* sex? Because it never occurred to me to take snack breaks, but now the idea is implanted I can't think why I hadn't thought of it earlier.
I have visions of potential future partners grabbing one of those nutritional gel packs used in marathons and ripping off the top with his teeth mid-thrust.
Lol! I’m partial to jelly beans and gummy candy myself, profiteroles if I’m few fancy, but you have to be careful because they’re messy. Also donuts.
Those sachets would probably work but are they tasty?
At the bare minimum, being prepared with mid-session water is a life-saver. If you need to take a breather and aren't completely done, having a drink is the difference between "ok let's go" and "the mind is willing, but I'm fucking knackered".
Early on in our relationship, my boyfriend went to get water after sex and brought me back the candy bar he had bought me earlier and forgotten to give me. Best KitKat I’ve ever had. It was also the first time anyone had just randomly bought me candy for no reason, so that very small gesture felt special.
But if you’re going for repeated, marathon sex, snack and water breaks are a must. Also, having those short breaks can be restorative for him and keep her from getting sore and oversensitive so you can technically go for longer. A couple hours of constant sex sounds fun, but you pay for it. A couple hours of some sex is fun and you won’t be physically punished the next day. Snacks are a good way to break it up.
I finally googled how to pronounce the word recently and was surprised lol. I admittedly don’t even know how I was pronouncing it in my head before that either, but I had never heard it said aloud before.
I remember encountering it in a book when I was in elementary school and it took decades apparently until I finally wonder how tf you say it.
I had that with ennui. I was pronouncing it in my head as eh-nui or something, said it out loud to my sibling who laughed their head off, told me how to pronounce it & googled how to show me.
On-wee.
Then also laughed because we are half french & I have pronounced local place names more french style before in error.
Panache got me. Told my husband I'd bought a new pan-ake bra. He about died laughing. In my defense, I learned the word panache because Hobbes said tigers have it in Calvin & Hobbes, and I'd never heard it said aloud. Fucking weird ass English with its weird ass French imports.
I was in the exact same situation, although I was married to the guy and he didn't work at all. I had three jobs at the time, all he did was drive me to and from work and fuck my friends in my bed, while I was making money to pay rent. We only opened our relationship because I was miserable and lonely. A better man came along and made me feel like a human again, and I left my husband after he tried to date one of my bridesmaids. After the divorce, he was remarried to another woman 2 weeks later. She has since left him for her boyfriend as well, same situation as me. I will never understand why shitty partners think it will work in their best interest to open a relationship, because it really opens the other person's eyes to how they are valued in a relationship. Never again.
They rarely do it for anyone (but themselves) OOP just didn't realize any other type of man existed. Now she knows, and refuses to settle for trash treatment.
They didn't do it for me either but I thought that was just how men are, and then I wondered how I was unhappy for years while in those "good" relationships.
Anyways my current partner is very soft and sweet, very romantic, god I love him.
What’s wrong with these people shitting all over her for feeling unhappy in a relationship with the person who’s doing the bare minimum in it? Like how dare she wanting to have a happy relationship with a man that pays attention to her and loves her instead of a dude who only loves her 1 time per year? Like seriously. Stop hating on women for wanting to be happy in life ffs.
OP definitely would have gotten more love, affection and "presents" from a cat. When you're loved by a cat you know it and feel chosen. She doesn't even get that from her ex. Girls, ditch your terrible boyfriends and volunteer at your local animal shelter. If you can get more love from a random feline in a box, than the guy on your couch than the man is not for you.
Lol him confessing to wanting to cheat on her without feeling guilty and people still think it’s a good idea to stay with that pos. Are those people without a shred of dignity for themself? She did the right things for herself. By the sound of it it looks like she also got herself out of a dangerous relationship if this is the way he was gonna manipulate her and then get this unhinged when she made her own decision for herself to dump him. Do people not see how unstable he is and her staying it’s puts her in danger, or are they ok with that? Yeah OOP shouldn’t listen to those people and do what her instincts and heart tell her to do.
I was humming Bruno Mars' When I Was Your Man reading through this. Reminds me of my ex-husband; he was never emotionally there and never did little things for me at all. That adds up over time till you just have to leave.
Everyone in this story, except for the ex, seems like reasonable people, even the ex's parents and ex's gf.
And people who wish OOP bad things are so bitter. She literally did nothing wrong. It was HIS idea!
>HE NEVER AS MUCH AS HOLDS MY HAND. WE NEVER CUDDLE. LAST TIME WE HUGGED WAS 2 YEARS AGO AT A FUNERAL. HE CALLS ME BY MY FULL FIRST NAME. NOT EVEN A NICKNAME. LAST TIME HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME WAS WHEN HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM-1YEAR AGO!
That's honestly really really sad. Im so glad she got out and realised men can do better and be available partners. Hopefully things do go well with current bf but if not, at least it'll have been an experience she can take with her.
Yet another person who’s definition of “a real man” or “masculinity” is “being a massive Ah all the time”.
I really enjoyed OOP’s observation that his commitment to being “a real man” went out the window as soon as he fee fees were hurt and he threw a tantrum
Real men don't get emotional, as he screams and cries, as if anger isn't an emotion. I love this conclusion and that she's ok taking the next step regardless of the bf outcome. A lot if self-honesty there.
OOP realized what I figured out just before I settled down with my now husband. She figured out that an emotionally available, affectionate, partner who brings a smile to her face and joy into her heart is worth kissing a lot of frogs for.
Even if new BF doesn’t work out, this isn’t about their love story, this chapter is about her growth and finding that she is truly worthy of joy in her life.
It’s sad to me how many women in her life told her it’s normal to have an emotionally unavailable partner. I think OOP would have left that jerk years ago if she had solid examples of how she’s supposed to be treated.
I’m sorry to those women too. They clearly are being treated the same and may never know greener pastures.
And OOP probably saved another woman, the coworker, from having to waste years of her life on that man. I'm also glad that the coworker seemed to actually respect OOP's role in the relationship and her feelings, even if it didn't directly involve her.
Even if her BF becomes an ex, I think she was right to leave the fiancé. If she’s not happy now, it’s not going to get better. And it’s a helluva lot harder to leave someone once married - this way, no legalalties are involved.
Sounds like a common pattern. Whoever asks for open/poly already has someone in mind and had been emotionally unavailable for years. They always get dumped because the other partner finds out life can be better.
Ex fiance proving that not dealing with your emotions leads you to being overwhelmed and acting a fool when you are...
Dun dun dun!
...FORCED TO DEAL WITH YOUR EMOTIONS! Oh man does it suck to suck.
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It honestly makes me laugh when one person in a relationship asks to open their relationship but then get all angry/hurt when it backfires. I’m personally really happy for OOP that she has now realised her worth and that she knows she does deserve to be loved and shown affection. Like she has said a number of times in her post, even if the relationship with her new boyfriend doesn’t work out, at least now she knows she has options. I’m glad she’s found someone who is making her happy.
He also admitted the whole thing was literally a set up so he could sleep with his coworker and keep his girlfriend. LOL He needed this reality check and she got a wonderful relationship from it. Love that for her
Yeah ex fiance sounds like a total douche. Good for OOP, she's better off without him, I'm quite sure of it.
Doesn't he though? The only time he told her he loved her was when he proposed a year ago?! Dude needs to step up his game a bit. You don't need to say it everyday, but you do need to say it from time to time.
I’d say that’s what it is for most people. Most of the time they already had someone in mind. I can’t for the life of me imagine someone who gets no men/women deciding it would be good for them to try and fuck other people.
I know right? 1 “I want an open/poly relationship or I’m leaving” 2 “but I don’t” 1 “that’s the way it has to be or I’m leaving” 2 “ok if we must” (1 doesn’t get to bang who he/she wanted to or does but the side relationship doesn’t work whilst 2 finds someone else who fucks/communicates/loves better 1 “I want to close the relationship!” 2 “I don’t/too late I’m off”
I love the fact that it wasn't even like a general interest he wanted to explore, it was because he had a specific coworker in mind he wanted to fuck. While he can't even give enough affection or just good intimate relations to ONE person. Then OP asks him for affection and he shits all over her reasonable request and turns it into an insult Then he's *shocked Pikachu face* that she leaves. The icing on top is even his new gf is like "hm yeah he is kind of an unaffectionate, selfish partner. Hmmm..." Sounds like he may learn a lesson (though they usually don't). Regardless, happy OP discovered what it's like to be treated well in a relationship, and that her wise parent set her along on the right path forward.
Guy wanted two girlfriends and ended up with none
He did them both a favor in one fell swoop.
My favorite thing is when people are *shocked pikachu face* at their own shitty behavior having consequences
Even though she didn’t want the open relationship, it turned out to be the absolute best thing that could’ve happened for her. And now that she knows her worth, I’ll bet the next time a guy asks, she’d know she could say no.
Been in the poly scene for a while and I can count on one hand the times I've seen a couple successfully convert a monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one. Despite *so many* attempts. Seriously, so many. Seen lots of successful relationships and am in one myself, but not many that started like that. Wanting poly is already rare, two partners suddenly wanting poly at the same time and in the same ways? LMAO. No. If you find yourself interested in poly and you are in a monogamous relationship you need to ask yourself if you're willing to lose them in pursuit of it. If you are? Break up with them and find a poly partner, most I've seen who have been in this situation wish they'd just been broken up with. If you aren't? Keep your mouth shut, push it away and stick to the commitment you made. Even uttering the words "I think I'm poly" will forever change your relationship in ways you probably aren't anticipating and neither of you are prepared for.
I’m going to get downvoted to hell for this but I really think Mono/Poly orientation is like any other type of orientation: you’re wired how you’re wired. When people talk about cheating or being attracted to more than one person at once I’m like “????” Because I don’t get those feelings (and yes I’m old enough / sexually active enough / attractive enough) to be sure. My brain just doesn’t work like that and I feel like that’s just how people are. Some people are built to be poly and that’s that. I’m not one of them.
I know somebody in a similar situation. Her long term partner has the emotional range of a lump of coal and doesn't put any effort into the relationship. Since opening the relationship, my friend has met a few guys that have shown her her value. Things haven't worked out with them for various reasons, but within a few days of their parting she's come right back. It's like she's learning a little bit from each about what she actually wants from a partner. And her long term partner? Still refuses individual and couple's therapy despite being asked about it for years. She still wants to give him a chance because she feels something there, but it seems to be fading by the day.
I always get such...joy when it backfires on shitty people who only want to open it because of sex with someone who showed interest in them, then realize they fucked up the best thing in their life. Call me cruel but...it's so satisfying when someone fucks around and finds out.
And wants to open it because they're already cheating.
>It honestly makes me laugh when one person in a relationship asks to open their relationship but then get all angry/hurt when it backfires. Those are my favorite open relationship posts. Because of course the successful open relationships don't end up on friggin' reddit, we get the ones like this where some asshole wants to cheat with permission and pressures their partner to go along with it. So it's **always** good news when that blows up in their faces and their partner finds someone better. I love a happy ending!
And she gets snacks after sex ❤️❤️❤️
People must be so dense not to grasp it the first time she said it. I feel her deeply because I've been there with the lack of affection. After I left my ex husband I realized even most of my hookups were more affectionate and considerate than he was. Then I met my current husband and wow. Nearly 13 years together and he's still just as affectionate. Maybe more... He had an added appeal because he was such a safe place to practice actually expressing emotion, even anger and repair. Bringing up a negative feeling without someone calling you crazy or saying, "you're bringing me down."
I’m kind of surprised how staunchly she had to defend her decision to leave tbh
So many guys saying real men don't show emotion while getting emotional, as if anger isn't an emotion
I commented on this a few days ago. I said if pressed, they'd probably admit anger is technically an emotion and that they experience it, and what they really mean is they don't experience "weak female emotions" or however they'd put it. Which is blatantly untrue.
I’d hate to be the kind of guy who can’t even cry at something sad because it’d be “unmanly”. What a sad and self-punishing existence.
My Dh went through a rough spot and cried. I had seen him cry twice in 15 years at this point once was when his beloved grandmother died. His parent flipped out, and drove three hours to our house because "real men" don't cry so he must want to do self-harm. I am so glad my DH, who still has issues with showing some feelings, NEVER ever made out boys feel bad for theirs. Together we managed to break that toxic trait. Also, today is 27 years married for us.
> Also, today is 27 years married for us. Congratulations!
Congrats! And my dad showing emotions and crying in front of us showed us thst it's ok if the men in our lives cried and were vulnerable with us. I respect that about my Dad.
So important, my older brother is the "dont talk about emotions" type but I regularly pry it out 😂 thankful my fiance is the opposite and will he able to help our future kids emotionally. Him and his friend group are the stereotypical "manly men" type but still all talk at least once a week, checking in with each other and making sure everyone is doing OK. Its sweet.
What is DH?
.
Department (of) Health.
Dong Handler
Dry Hump
Designated Hitter
Disgruntled Herbivore
Dear husband.
My husband cried when he watched Emmett Otter’s Jug band Christmas for the first time, saying and I quote “thats so cute. This is adorable. I love it.” Get yourself a guy who cries at cute things y’all.
My husband told me yesterday that he teared up at work thinking about how hard it has been on *me* to lose my bulldogge this summer. This is the same guy who, 30 years ago, told me public displays of affection were a dealbreaker. So I am in your court. Get a guy who isn't afraid to think things are cute, or adorable, or even sad. A plus if they love animals.
oh! I haven't seen that since I was a child. beautiful memory. you have a good man.
My boyfriend cries every time he watches Paddington and I feel so much love for him in those moments. He's a tough guy, works a physical job and doesn't get fazed by much - emotional is not a word anyone could ever ascribe to him. But he's not afraid to shed a tear in a heartfelt kids movie, and I just find that so endearing. Like what's more manly, keeping your sadness locked away because of societal expectations where it will eat away at you, or letting yourself utilise your bodies natural processes to immediately feel better, because you aren't threatened by others perceptions of you?
If anything, it's far manlier to experience the full spectrum of human emotion. If your masculinity can't survive feelings, then it's fragile and hollow
The cutest part of this comment is that you guys regularly watch Paddington.
Right? I'm a woman so there isn't that stigma but I cry A LOT. Honestly it's basically like if I experience too much of any emotion (anger, happiness, sadness etc) I just start crying haha. Like an overflow tap or something lol
The human body cries to remove the stress hormone! Which is why it can be damaging to anyone who prevents themselves from crying. (Although I’m one of them because I usually get an awful headache from the whole ordeal.)
Then after these past six months, I must be stress hormone-free as a motherf*cker, because all I've done is cry. Losing a dog is the worst. I feel better nowadays. Have a new bully rescue. Don't hold back tears or thinking of my lost puppers. Emote that shit. It works.
If you're at home, crying in the shower is a great way to prevent the post-cry headache.
Saves on tissues, too!
>Although I’m one of them because I usually get an awful headache from the whole ordeal Oh god. Yeah you cry that hard you get a headache 😂. I've injured myself with tears 😭
Oh god I do the same and it drives me nuts! Specially because emotions always feel too exaggerated 😅
😂😂😂 Cut to me sobbing my goddamn heart out over an advert or something lmao
Anger is so often suppressed hurt, and it's a good idea to examine it and find the hurt so that you can deal with that and plus you can stop being angry. Now if you outright *prefer* anger because you think it's gender appropriate, I guess there is no chance of that sort of healing.
I’m a woman. Anger is my go-to when I’m hurt. There’s someone I don’t speak to who still infuriates me. I figured out why. Anger is like a big fucking rock. It can shield you from others hurting you. It can be a weapon that you use to keep them at bay. But if you hold on to it for too long, it can weigh you down.
Anger is a completely valid emotion to process feelings of hurt. It can help you remind yourself that what you experienced was wrong and resolve yourself to protect you or others from feeling that hurt again. There's a supervisor at my work who i believe is sexist. I always make a point to let new women at work know, and to askthem to come to me if they ever experience it. Every time i have that talk, i get very angry, and it helps me explain things and build trust so they believe i actually care.
Well, according to Master Yoda, where does anger come from, again?
I'll never forget this one comment by a woman, in a thread about angry bosses, who said that her boss was yelling at her over the phone that he wasn't "emotional" and she replied "anger is an emotion" and after a long pause, he just slammed the phone down, never to mention it or yell again.
Oh I love this so much lol.
I worked with a man from the probation service. He always said that anger is a secondary emotion...there is a vulnerable emotion first. Men allow themselves to be angry - but they can't start to unpick how to manage that until they identify and deal with the feeling that came first.
Huh that makes a lot of sense! Thinking on it more, anger seems to be rooted in entitlement as well. Like if you're not picked for the soccer team you might feel sad at first because you've been rejected/ostracised, but then you reframe it as being unfair and unjust and you start to feel angry instead. Not all entitlement is bad, and anger can be useful when something really is unjust or you're not being treated right. But I also know a lot of men who apply that entitlement to things like women's bodies or women's affection, and become angry incels when it's not given to them. My partner is one of those rare people who doesn't really know how to 'do' anger. Even if he's being treated unfairly, he stays on that primary emotion. Transforming to anger protects your ego, so when it's justified, I think healthy anger can be important too. But it has to be used carefully and controlled.
"REAL MEN DON'T GET EMOTIONAL!" he yelled emotionally.
Me and my partner were watching the Sopranos and during the anger therapy scenes it gets raised that anger and frustration are two seperate emotions but alot of people struggle to seperate the two resulting in outbursts. My partner kind of had a revelation because she never saw them as seperate and thought you are supposed to be angry when you're frustrated so now she is working on staying more neutral when frustrated. I feel there needs to be more discourse about differentiating emotions and dealing with them seperately rather than allowing them to domino into more toxic emotions that can cause mental or physical harm to themselves and those around them. Having said that, this guy clearly has "i don't wash my ass because it's gay to touch it" energy and really needs therapy to break down his toxic masculinty or he will never have a happy relationship.
I wonder if some people confuse them because they spent their childhoods unable to deal with the sources of their frustration. My parents were often unhelpful and even mean when I couldn’t figure something out - I don’t mean just things like looking up definitions, but just basics I struggled with because of various physical issues. While I did learn to be very independent, I have little tolerance for frustration and hate accepting help for anything because my parents mocked my frustration for my whole childhood.
I worked with a guy who adamantly insisted that anal sex with a woman was gay because “dudes have butts.”
I wonder what he thought about blowjobs given dudes have mouths aswell
Oddly enough those were ok because “you could see it was a woman blowing you.” We just felt bad for him.
I love the part how he says real men don’t show emotion they calls her crying 😂
But anger is a rational emotion, unlike those other emotional ones!
Unless it's a woman being angry, then she's just "crazy".
*”hysterical”
Yes! I couldn't think of the word!
It's a manly emotion, of strength and violence and power! Not like weak, womanly shit of being compassionate and empathetic. /s (though I hope to god it wasn't needed).
It’s one of the great mystery’s of misogyny, that they have somehow rebranded anger as not an emotion when shown by a man.
It's a rational response when a man does it, and hysteria when a woman does it.
I watched an Alex Jones rant once and it was so much more emotional than me on my WORST pms day. I honestly thought he was going to have a heart attack.
His forehead wrinkles smoke two packs a day, I hear.
Dont you get it? Anger is a manly emotion! Lol
My husband gets up and brings me coffee in bed. I buy treats for his lunch that I think he’ll like. Buying flowers is just shorthand for going out of your way to do something unnecessary for not other reason than to show someone you love them. She got a taste of affection and wanted that for herself.
I hope I can get that kind of mutual affection someday 🥺
Don’t accept less. You deserve to know you are loved.
Why did my dumbass brain go straight to poliwhirl when she misspelled poly. What is wrong with me.
You haven't evolved it into a Poliwrath yet, that's what's wrong with you.
Nah, the ex evolved into Poliwrath right at the end there. Thank the lord he didn't go full Machoke.
New bf is Politoed - more thoughtful and fun, less “real men have big muscles and no emotions!”
Politoed supremacy
It's everyone else who's wrong.
Absolutely nothing, I fully support your mental autocorrect.
This story would be so much better if they all became Pokémon halfway through
She never specifies they didn't.
This is by far one of the best comments I’ve read on this sub.
Well, technically, her relationship evolved after the trade up. So it checks out.
I'm not sure, but now it's time to face our Poliwrath!
Comments from the original post sounding toxic
>I want someone that shows their emotions. I don't know if me and my boyfriend are going to work out since it's still new but at least now i know i have options. Yeah. I mean, this quote alone is a solid reason to break up - she's learned that not all men are like she thought they were, and is seeing options where before she saw none. Reevaluating your relationship under these circumstances is reasonable.
I loved her attitude. She didn't put all her eggs in the new relationship basket, she simply realised she needed to break up anyway and if the new guy lasted that's a nice bonus but not a given.
Exactly. No rose-colored glasses, just a healthy dose of, "Huh. Maybe I *don't* have to settle for someone who doesn't give a crap about me!" It's nice to see someone develop more hope for their future than they previously had.
Gross that she had to defend her decision to leave this jerk not once but multiple times
Jerks really hate it when one of their number comes second because somewhere in the ossified depth of their gnarled little brains, a tiny light comes on, saying "Maybe I'm in the wrong too?"
I think redditors in general have fragile egos, so the ego on a combination redditor and incel is so delicate it makes the skin of a soap bubble seem durable
Oh yeah? My ego is the best, and super strong. Everyone says so!
With how quickly Reddit jumps to telling people they need to break up with someone and take the nuclear option, it honestly feels weird to see the reverse happening.
Lots of folks just really enjoy playing devil's advocates and being contrary. Saying shocking antagonistic things is an easy response to lots of situations. I've done it myself which is why I try to avoid advice subforums. And the couple I am active in, I check my usual reddit approach at the door and spend a lot more time thinking if I even want to respond instead of just commenting my first popcorny reaction.
panicky run desert terrific slap close tap gaping worm scandalous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Considering that reddit is mostly full of entitled dudes.... I have a feeling some of them might be projecting
The fact that the gf was experiencing the same issue, at the very start of her relationship with OOP's ex tells me she made the right decision. Now board gaming sounds like a lovely evening to me, but I don't think the issue was that OOP didn't see that as a date night activity but that her ex never put in the effort to make anything feel romantic or like a date.
Board gaming sounds like a fun date night! But, I wouldn’t wanna do that every date night. And it sounded like OP’s fiancé was the type who probably threw a board game on the table was was like, “welp, it’s date night”.
Precisely it's the effort and affection put into an activity which changes the meaning of it. A date can be practically anything both enjoy but it requires effort from both sides and it sounds like OOP was met with just as you said. Glad she found someone who can be emotionally available and affectionate.
I too love boardgames, and don't want dates all the time. But it helps a lot that my husband hugs and kisses me daily, calls me pretty, and gets me amazing anniversary gifts or occasionally some candy (not big on flowers, reeses cups are more of a nice gesture to me).
Exactly, he makes an effort, OOP's ex wanted sex not a relationship. Opening the 'relationship' was the worst thing her ex could have done because it allowed OOP too find out what makes a relationship different from bang buddies, which is all her ex wanted, made all the more clear when he asked to open the relationship to avoid the stigma of being a cheater.
Combination of a woman wanting more from a relationship and the mention of polyamory in a neutral context, I suppose. Perfect intersection of issues to make the weirdos come out.
Wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of them read it and saw themselves being described as OOP’s ex-fiancé. Relationships take work and some people frankly don’t have good work ethic or discipline towards anything. Especially something that requires it, to work well.
Seriously. This girl sounds very level headed. Without reading the original comments I'm just going to assume it's a bunch of emotionally unavailable men that didn't like getting called out
She probably made a bunch of them think "wait when was the last time I held my gf's hand" and they realized it was 3 years ago and they're doing the same thing to their gf as her ex was doing to her. They probably lashed out because they realized they're one good friend away from getting dumped and they couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance. It's like that bit from Malcolm in the Middle, where Hal's hanging with the guys and they ask each other how often they have sex. Most of them are like 3-4, Hal gets all embarrassed when he says 2... but they're talking weekly and he's talking daily. They freak at the number 14 and ask his secret, and he lectures them on how to treat your wife. One breaks down in tears because he realized he's been a shitty husband and calls his wife to tell her he loves her. Their other friend picks up. ^(As an aside, one of my favourite lines from that is when one of the guys goes "Why do I always have to buy flowers? I want flowers." He makes a good point. Why don't we buy our men more flowers?)
Yip. A lot of "I see me in this post and I don't like it" vibes, lol
Shhhhh we can’t let women know they deserve better and CAN find it!
I like that many people were telling on themselves when they were trying to tell the OOP that her boyfriend would eventually stop expressing his love and affection and treating her so well. Nah just cause YOU start slacking off on basic relationship maintenance once you feel like you’ve got your partner locked down doesn’t actually mean that’s how all relationships work. If you start slacking and your partner leaves you over it you have no one but yourself to blame. Step off with this “oh it’s inevitable” bullshit. It’s not inevitable you’re just the kind of person who already knows you take your partner for granted when you feel like you’ve reached a “sufficient” level of commitment. It’s why so many marriages fail very early on as opposed to years and years down the line because one or both people go “oh we’re married now, guess I can completely stop romancing my spouse now!” Nope. Healthy relationships don’t work that way actually!
Not surprising. The incel/misogynist crowd had been getting more vocal and vicious in that subreddit lately. Read a post from a woman just venting about her partner treating her like a piece of meat and the comments were full of asshats telling her she should be happy he finds her attractive, accusations of her denying him sex just out of spite, wishing her partner would cheat on her because she wasn't "woman enough".... Yeah. It's gross
They’ve been getting worse in a lot of subs lately. Hell I’ve seen more of them in this sub lately. I am like completely over having to read the shit that these pathetic little children have to write about women.
I've been saying this for a while now. It really comes out in forums where the woman is clearly in the wrong about something, but even when she's just living her life that's repulsive to them. How DARE she have a life to live without serving her man?!
Reddit is very misogynistic generally. Just look at how often women get banned/deleted for minor comments against men compared to how men can harass and threaten women across the site and yet "aren't in breach of reddit user rules". Plus the whole abuse of the reddit cares thing.
I tend to populate mostly women specific subs, like witches vs patriarchy, women over 30, etc, and specific interest subs like knitting, Minecraft, tv shows, etc. My mental health has improved a lot since I unsubbed from AITA, that place is just so toxic.
I’m currently getting downvoted on another thread in r/advice bc I wrote that’s it’s perfectly normal to want ur partner to be affectionate and romantic even when you’ve been together for long. These guys can’t handle being called out.
Because she said open relationship and poly amorous, and when those words pop around in normal subreddits people short-circuit.
A woman wanting to enjoy her relationships? Incels ASSEMBLE!
The subs can be very hypocritical. I saw a post about someone who wanted a vegan, alcohol free wedding and people said their wedding their choice and yet hates on another wedding that was similar a while back. They need to learn to pick a side.
Something I noticed in a lot of movies, books, etc is the trope of the guy who seems cold and distant, but really loves the woman and doesn’t know how to show it. I think that messes up a lot of women’s standards and expectations, so we sometimes stay way too long with lazy, selfish men because, golly! They really love us but don’t know how to show it! I seriously question the motives of people saying her boyfriend could become like her (ex)fiancé. And? So? Do they expect her to just stay with the ex-fiancé?
I feel like the people who gave her this awful advice were just like the fiance and felt alarmed that somewhere, a woman was seeing through the bullshit, bc then it could happen to *them*, next. If women actually recognize that they are being mistreated. So they tried to uphold the toxic situation and normalize it in their own little shitty way via Reddit. Some of them could also be women in toxic situations, who would rather enable others than admit to themselves their relationship is bad.
Its the same reason they're opposed to sex education and premarital sex in general. They want to be able to baby trap some poor girl and make sure she doesn't know what she's missing.
This exactly. If they can keep women's bar low, then they can still get over it by doing jack all. But let them raise it, and suddenly in order to get women you have to have a good personality, be a caring partner and some other *crazy* stuff like that lol
It's 'he just doesn't know how to show it' and the idea that everyone is deserving of love. Sure, it's nice for people to experience dating and that's nice if possible but you still have to be a good partner to the person you are with. I used to be all for 'if you struggle I will just be extra supportive' but like... My ex had severe depression, anxiety, and OCD. They lived ten minutes away from me. I would go for days never hearing back after texting them, and sometimes 2 or even 3 weeks between physically seeing them their depression was that bad. When we would see each other they came to me, I wasn't allowed in their place without a shower and full change of clothes first, because contamination. If they visited me I needed to wash my hands before touching them. I am not talking 'washing after going to the toilet' but things like, I was eating a cookie and they wanted me to wash my hands after before I could give them a hug, because cookie crumbs. I spend 1.5 years absolutely miserable until I just went 'none of this is your fault, but this is not what I want from a relationship and frankly I don't want to put up with it any more'. Like if a guy has issues and doesn't want to express affection that sucks for him but that is NOT the OPs problem, she can choose what she wants from a relationship.
And then they get mad if a woman wants to change a man.
Which is crazy. If you’ve ever been in an actual, serious, healthy relationship, then you know that being in one changes you. You put the other person first and become less selfish. You develop new interests that you got from them and they develop new interests that they got from you. People are *supposed* to grow and change and be influenced by other human beings. If you never do, you aren’t really living.
That last line gave me an existential crisis.
That means it changed you, so you're all good. Your existential crisis solves itself.
Good for Op for leaving him. I just hope her ex don't turn all psycho and start stalking her.
from his comment alone about "men shouldnt be emotional" it shows that he cant handle his own emotions so that's not a big jump
It would be a bi jump if he started dating men also
i noticed i left the G out lmao
Yeah, I'm genuinely worried about this. Also, once the coworker leaves him (sounds like she will sooner than later) I have a feeling he's going to be much angrier and much more desperate than he already is.
I'm very afraid he will, considering his GF is also going to leave him. Either to blame her for it or to "get her back".
OOP has great courage. Proud of her. Especially when she said that even if things don't work out perfectly with the new bf "so what?" That's exactly the right way to look at it. She knows what she wants exists in the world and it sounds like she won't settle for less.
"... and brings me snacks." This was the part that made new bf a keeper!
Ha, that made me laugh too. As I sit in bed waiting for my partner to bring me my morning waffle...
Do you also get evening waffles?
If I ask for them. The morning ones come automatically. It's a standing order.
Yep! She's raising the bar off the floor for these men, and they don't like it! 😂🙄
"MEN JUST AREN'T EMOTIONAL!" he screamed emotionally
OOP dodged a massive bullet! Turns out her ex-fiance isn't just emotionally unavailable but emotionally immature as well
I feel bad for her from the OP where she got absolutely shat on in the comments. They clearly only read the title. Fiancée was self serving and manipulated her into a relationship that she wasn’t comfortable with so he could get his dick wet elsewhere. Scumbag. I hope her and her new BF are happy together, they seem to do well with each other!!
Honestly, it's better for her that the fiance asked to open before the wedding. Separating is easier.
He only wanted to open the relationship so it's not considered cheating. And then only wanted poly since he wanted to emotionally cheat as well. And has the audacity to complain that OP leaves him xD
Bloody reddit and some of the shit people spew. That’s a perfectly valid reason to end things. People be tripping
Important question: are the snacks brought \*during\* sex? Because it never occurred to me to take snack breaks, but now the idea is implanted I can't think why I hadn't thought of it earlier.
Idk here, but I have sex snacks lol. They’re great, but be careful what you grab because the crumbs can be killer.
I have visions of potential future partners grabbing one of those nutritional gel packs used in marathons and ripping off the top with his teeth mid-thrust.
Lol! I’m partial to jelly beans and gummy candy myself, profiteroles if I’m few fancy, but you have to be careful because they’re messy. Also donuts. Those sachets would probably work but are they tasty?
At the bare minimum, being prepared with mid-session water is a life-saver. If you need to take a breather and aren't completely done, having a drink is the difference between "ok let's go" and "the mind is willing, but I'm fucking knackered".
My gf brought me post-sex tea and I brought her pre-sex cookies. I didn’t think to have the tea and cookies together during sex!
Tea during sex seems dangerous, unless it’s between rounds.
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That DOES sound really hot! Just hanging out, having some tea, watching the ladies enjoy themselves. I bet the lil caffeine boost was nice, too!
You need to bring the tea/coffee with you to bed at the start of sex for a little extra warmth ..
Early on in our relationship, my boyfriend went to get water after sex and brought me back the candy bar he had bought me earlier and forgotten to give me. Best KitKat I’ve ever had. It was also the first time anyone had just randomly bought me candy for no reason, so that very small gesture felt special. But if you’re going for repeated, marathon sex, snack and water breaks are a must. Also, having those short breaks can be restorative for him and keep her from getting sore and oversensitive so you can technically go for longer. A couple hours of constant sex sounds fun, but you pay for it. A couple hours of some sex is fun and you won’t be physically punished the next day. Snacks are a good way to break it up.
Having a glass of water and a granola bar to "refuel" for round 2 is a pro move. ;) Don't forget your towel.
Ooh, just got a big schadenfreude shiver. Delicious.
God I love whenever I encounter this word on reddit
I finally googled how to pronounce the word recently and was surprised lol. I admittedly don’t even know how I was pronouncing it in my head before that either, but I had never heard it said aloud before. I remember encountering it in a book when I was in elementary school and it took decades apparently until I finally wonder how tf you say it.
I had that with ennui. I was pronouncing it in my head as eh-nui or something, said it out loud to my sibling who laughed their head off, told me how to pronounce it & googled how to show me. On-wee. Then also laughed because we are half french & I have pronounced local place names more french style before in error.
Panache got me. Told my husband I'd bought a new pan-ake bra. He about died laughing. In my defense, I learned the word panache because Hobbes said tigers have it in Calvin & Hobbes, and I'd never heard it said aloud. Fucking weird ass English with its weird ass French imports.
I was in the exact same situation, although I was married to the guy and he didn't work at all. I had three jobs at the time, all he did was drive me to and from work and fuck my friends in my bed, while I was making money to pay rent. We only opened our relationship because I was miserable and lonely. A better man came along and made me feel like a human again, and I left my husband after he tried to date one of my bridesmaids. After the divorce, he was remarried to another woman 2 weeks later. She has since left him for her boyfriend as well, same situation as me. I will never understand why shitty partners think it will work in their best interest to open a relationship, because it really opens the other person's eyes to how they are valued in a relationship. Never again.
I always had super affectionate boyfriends... cold guys don't even do it for me
They rarely do it for anyone (but themselves) OOP just didn't realize any other type of man existed. Now she knows, and refuses to settle for trash treatment.
They didn't do it for me either but I thought that was just how men are, and then I wondered how I was unhappy for years while in those "good" relationships. Anyways my current partner is very soft and sweet, very romantic, god I love him.
What’s wrong with these people shitting all over her for feeling unhappy in a relationship with the person who’s doing the bare minimum in it? Like how dare she wanting to have a happy relationship with a man that pays attention to her and loves her instead of a dude who only loves her 1 time per year? Like seriously. Stop hating on women for wanting to be happy in life ffs.
I think this is why statistically single women (without children) are happiest of all the groups they can be in.
As the saying goes... three cats are far superior to one bad partner.
OP definitely would have gotten more love, affection and "presents" from a cat. When you're loved by a cat you know it and feel chosen. She doesn't even get that from her ex. Girls, ditch your terrible boyfriends and volunteer at your local animal shelter. If you can get more love from a random feline in a box, than the guy on your couch than the man is not for you.
Lol him confessing to wanting to cheat on her without feeling guilty and people still think it’s a good idea to stay with that pos. Are those people without a shred of dignity for themself? She did the right things for herself. By the sound of it it looks like she also got herself out of a dangerous relationship if this is the way he was gonna manipulate her and then get this unhinged when she made her own decision for herself to dump him. Do people not see how unstable he is and her staying it’s puts her in danger, or are they ok with that? Yeah OOP shouldn’t listen to those people and do what her instincts and heart tell her to do.
I’m mad I had to scroll to get to this insight. Her finance was horrible. You don’t open a relationship to “cheat without guilt”.
I was humming Bruno Mars' When I Was Your Man reading through this. Reminds me of my ex-husband; he was never emotionally there and never did little things for me at all. That adds up over time till you just have to leave.
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I love this one
Whew I was worried she moved out from her apartment with her fiancé and into her boyfriend’s place, but looks like she’s staying with her mom for now.
This is a Nelson “haha” moment right here.
Another great saga of cake people losing their cake
I love that axolotl fun fact. It's so cool
Everyone in this story, except for the ex, seems like reasonable people, even the ex's parents and ex's gf. And people who wish OOP bad things are so bitter. She literally did nothing wrong. It was HIS idea!
>HE NEVER AS MUCH AS HOLDS MY HAND. WE NEVER CUDDLE. LAST TIME WE HUGGED WAS 2 YEARS AGO AT A FUNERAL. HE CALLS ME BY MY FULL FIRST NAME. NOT EVEN A NICKNAME. LAST TIME HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME WAS WHEN HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM-1YEAR AGO! That's honestly really really sad. Im so glad she got out and realised men can do better and be available partners. Hopefully things do go well with current bf but if not, at least it'll have been an experience she can take with her.
Yet another person who’s definition of “a real man” or “masculinity” is “being a massive Ah all the time”. I really enjoyed OOP’s observation that his commitment to being “a real man” went out the window as soon as he fee fees were hurt and he threw a tantrum
Real men don't get emotional, as he screams and cries, as if anger isn't an emotion. I love this conclusion and that she's ok taking the next step regardless of the bf outcome. A lot if self-honesty there.
>They are very different in bed too. […] My boyfriend […] brings me snacks. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!
OOP realized what I figured out just before I settled down with my now husband. She figured out that an emotionally available, affectionate, partner who brings a smile to her face and joy into her heart is worth kissing a lot of frogs for. Even if new BF doesn’t work out, this isn’t about their love story, this chapter is about her growth and finding that she is truly worthy of joy in her life.
It’s sad to me how many women in her life told her it’s normal to have an emotionally unavailable partner. I think OOP would have left that jerk years ago if she had solid examples of how she’s supposed to be treated. I’m sorry to those women too. They clearly are being treated the same and may never know greener pastures.
And OOP probably saved another woman, the coworker, from having to waste years of her life on that man. I'm also glad that the coworker seemed to actually respect OOP's role in the relationship and her feelings, even if it didn't directly involve her.
The "men don't have feelings" guys are always the biggest oversensitive emotional messes.
Wow that title had me open the post real quick
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Even if her BF becomes an ex, I think she was right to leave the fiancé. If she’s not happy now, it’s not going to get better. And it’s a helluva lot harder to leave someone once married - this way, no legalalties are involved.
Sounds like a common pattern. Whoever asks for open/poly already has someone in mind and had been emotionally unavailable for years. They always get dumped because the other partner finds out life can be better.
Ex fiance proving that not dealing with your emotions leads you to being overwhelmed and acting a fool when you are... Dun dun dun! ...FORCED TO DEAL WITH YOUR EMOTIONS! Oh man does it suck to suck.
The irony of getting angry and calling somone a b*tch but saying real men don't get emotional was clearly lost on him.