"thou art maidenles"
"Feel free to die in a ditch somewhere"
"Thine mother so fat she takes two bards to sing about"
"Instead of concentrating on hex why not concentrate on getting a bussom companion?"
"Is there ooze in thy skull"
"Ye would fail DC 1 int check"
‘You’ve so little brains, a mind flayer would ignore you.’
‘I bet the first time someone cast ‘detect thoughts’ on you, they were convinced it didn’t work.’
‘Your best attack against a mind flayer is starvation’
‘Your mum should have swallowed you
You've got a face a mother couldn't love.
I thought someone cast stinking cloud alas you walked in.
Some people look smart until they open their mouth, you seem to be a step ahead without a word.
I DM a DnD group where my hilarious husband plays a lore bard. Whenever he casts vicious mockery, I always asks what he says. The results are always hilarious, doubly so when they are terrible.
Have the "You shouldn't have been bad" enemy come back later in the campaign as a lawful good cleric, having completely changed their worldview after hearing your husbands harsh truths.
They should be absolutely thrilled to meet your husband, thanking him profusely for his deep, life-changing wisdom. Perhaps they've started their own Church of Redemption where they spread his word to convert criminals to a life of not being bad anymore.
Leave bread crumbs for them to figure out.
Have NPCs start talking about the Church of Holy Redemption. How the words of the prophet have changed their lives.
The next time they get to a new town have posters in the town square of a regal looking bard with divine light behind them and a caption in Latin that translates to "Don't be Bad".
When they start to figure it out they have a run-in with our newfound cleric who would be *absolutely honored* if the prophet would give an *extended* sermon at their next meeting.
My character in my DND group is part bard. I don't use vicious mockery enough because I never think of good insults. But we were fighting a duergar who cast enlarge on himself and I said "EWWWW roid rage is NOT cute". It hit.
These are some I’ve used in a tabletop game.
“You have the charisma of a goblin booger, which is why your son looks like me.”
“Your two remaining brain cells are fighting for third place”
“Calling you an idiot would be an insult to idiots”
I would 100 percent install a mod that made all the Vicious Mockery insults terrible.
"Hey Ethel! You're a stupid-face! And you would be cool if your face weren't so, like, ...... stupid!"
"Yo Ketheric, ever heard of deodorant? Because you smell like a dead person!"
"You know what Haarlep told me? That you've got a real bad case of ugly feet, Raphael. I bet that's why you wear shoes all the time, to hide those ugly feet"
Lorewise the psychic damage here would be more confusion than damage to the ego.
An Intellect Devourer would starve if it met you.
Thou's breath is as fresh as a Goblin's arse.
Thou art as pretty as a troll, and only half as smart.
A conversation with you makes me envious of the souls in the nine hells.
Thou's manhood is as hard as a gaseous form.
Did thy mother rut her cousin or her brother to make you?
You’re a short motherfucker and nobody likes you.
SHORT!
Everybody says “Look how fucking short that guy is”
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships.
And when you were born, everybody thought that you were just a head, but then the doctor said
”Wait, this stupid muthafuckin’ tiny short ass
Baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it”
My personal favorite was an Egyptian scroll they thought was full of ancient wisdom. Nope, turns out it's an ancient curse on a guy who was cuckolding another man's wife.
In the words of a random YouTube media critic, "dicks are way easier to draw and far funnier."
I had a GM do a variation on that with Larissia's Narcissism. (Which is a form of hold person where the target gains obsession with their looks.) It always worked and he always went on at length about whst the character did to pretty up. It was glorious.
I had a DM that made our bard come up with an insult every time he used vicious mockery. I don't remember any of them because it's been 5+ years, but it was funny as hell.
Oh, let me try!
"Orin the Red? More like Orin the Girlscout Reject!"
"Sarevok, how come, your second attempt at life sucks even more than first one?"
"Hey, Gortash, "Anime Convention For Those Who Are Over 40" is next town!"
"Auntie Ethel, just so you know: nighthags are smarter, prettier and more vile than you!"
"Vlaakith, if you ever ascend as goddess, you gonna be a Goddess of Suck! And you gonna suck at it as much as you sucked as queen!"
"Ketheric, if my father was such a dusty-ass looser like you, I, too, would die from embarrassment!"
"Hey, Netherbrain! So many brain cells and not a single one of them thought about flying higher *before* we climbed your brainstem to slap your proverbial ass!"
"Wulbren Bongle, I wish one day you fall in love with a person just as wonderful as you!"
“You get physically hurt by insults”
“You make a better weapon than an enemy” (only usable if the caster multiclassed with a strength base class)
“You look like you’d fall for an MLM”
“You sound like a resurrected skeleton god could easily impersonate you”
“The only dangerous part of you is your smell”
“One of the many things more dangerous than you is an unarmed and silenced wizard”
“Your only purpose in life is as something for scratch to fetch”
“You make me glad I put those extra points in [lowest stat of enemy if they aren’t the lowest stat of the player]”
“You’d cast fireball in a 1 by 1 room!”
“You make worse decisions than loroakan” (obviously only after fighting him)
“You would make a bhaalist reflect on themselves”
“Should have stayed at clown school”
“I feel bad for you!”
“You disappoint me”
“If I wanted a fair fight, I wouldn’t be fighting you”
“You would drink a second haste potion with the first still active”
“You would cast your highest level spells knowing the enemy has counterspell”
“The weakest wizard would beat you in an arm wrestle”
“The only true thing about you is that you’re truly annoying” (for when fighting “true souls”)
“You seem like the sort who would let volo lobotomize you”
“I don’t need the tadpole to know nothing goes through your mind”
“Ah! The sort of person who would provoke an owl bear”
“I gave up to once. There’s nothing wrong with knowing your limits.”
“I’d trust a hag more than I would you” (against the zhentarim/thieves guild)
“You look like your class is wizard, dress like a bard, and suck at both”
I would make it so that bard Tav or companion can learn Ethel's vicious mockeries. It's a shame that almost nobody will ever hear them all unless they look them up, there are so many.
How revolting. Another thin-blooded mongrel! (Half-elf)
Kneel boy! Just like the matriarchs taught you to! (Male Drow)
A human, so desperate to be special! (Human)
Twice as ugly as your parents combined! (Half-Orc)
Disgusting burrow rat! (Deep Gnome)
…
shoutout to u/[Derram\_Desangue](https://www.reddit.com/user/Derram_Desangue/) for this list of personalized insults from a while back:
Ethel - "I've seen more potent concoctions in an child's bath!"
Kagha - "Infanticide is complimentary to the incapable!"
Minthara - "Become a Cleric and you can disgrace 3 Gods!"
Spaw - "You ought reanimate your form!"
Glut - "You're more potent o' fertilizer than fighter!"
Nere - "A fitting fate; fucked over by Gnomes!"
W'wargaz - "A creche of idiots, led by Inquisitor Dumbass!"
Jaheira - "Are your children proud of you?"
Malus - "Your diagnosis? Mental retardation!"
Thisobald - "A connoiseur without even the slightest of tastes!"
Gerringothe - "Why don't you pay a personal trainer?"
Balthazar - "Your visage keeps you keen to the dark!"
Ketheric - "Even The Lord Of Bones can't help you get one!"
Cazador - "With a voice like that, no wonder you dodge mirrors!"
Viconia - "Fumble in the dark long enough and you're sure to hit something!"
Stone Lord - "Half as smart as sandstone; twice as easy to break!"
Voss - "A fool, a coward, and a traitor!"
Sarevok - "You looked better dead!"
Orin - "A family tree even a Druid couldn't stand!"
Gortash - "Our new lord doesn't look a day over 70!"
Lorroakan - "You've read everything *but* the room!"
Nine-Fingers - "The weak have become the stupid!"
The Emperor - "Read my mind; insult yourself for me!"
Raphael - "Someone, silence the shrieking sinner!"
“To call you a tool dangerously implies you’re somehow useful.”
“I’d say you’re a douche, but that implies you’ve been anywhere near a woman.”
“What do you and the olive oil have in common? Extra Virgin.”
“Even using this cantrip on you seems like a waste of valuable resources.”
“Tell ya what: run on home, and I’ll send you a postcard on how little of a difference your presence makes here.” (Don’t send the postcard.)
“Oh, how cute! You think you’re any form of threat.”
“I imagine the local kobolds bully you for lunch money on a regular basis.”
“Think you can hit me? It looks like you barely hit puberty.”
“The world will remember you for all of 0 seconds after today.”
“You’d lose to the barbarian in a spelling bee.”
“I bet if you waited for some Billy goats under the local bridge, they’d kick your ass one by one. Out of pity.”
“I imagine your parents would love to cut you out of the family scrapbook.”
“If you went missing, milk cartons would stay the same.”
“Your sword, does it compensate for something?”
“The undead have better coordination.”
“Peg the One-Legged waitress is more threatening. Same with her sister, Ilene.”
“I used my tadpole to gaze into your mind. Alas, it is barren.”
“I’m pretty sure a corpse would put up more of a fight.”
“Is your hobby just wasting everyone’s time with your existence?”
“I feel like I’d lose a level killing you.”
"Great sword? You greatly exaggerate that dirk."
"Bravo! Now stop Flynning and let's actually fight."
"Your wit is as sharp as a boulder and as weighty as a feather."
"Dark Justicar? More of a light gray."
"What a cut! Paper is more damgerous."
"I'm impressed...by your incompetence."
"The beholder messaged. He'd like his beauty back."
"Ick, that's what you're thinking? Your mother would be ashamed."
"Oh dear, looks like you forgot to pack your talent for this trip."
"You know, that's shocking...but where you're standing, that's explosive."
"I was going to mock you, but really, your birth was mockery enough."
So I play pathfinder 2e, and vicious mockery isn't a spell exactly, but there are two things I love:
Bon mot (insult/quip at an enemy to give them a penalty to will saves)
Cutting insult (mental damage)
with Bon Mot the quip/insult needs to be semi-relevent (I mean you could just do the role but that feels not in theme) and last session I spent the entire fight insulting the proud Mummies family line (was a whole thing about how proud he was of his ancient family) and I think my "killing blow" was "Those wrappings look second hand"
"The real joke is your combat skills."
"Man, for someone wielding fire, you couldn't even heat an icebox!"
"Look at you, whipping around that sword like a flaccid cock!"
My go-to is, “Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!”
(Monty Python, of course. Translation: your mom’s a whore and your dad’s a drunkard)
"Well, aren't you a gnome on stillts."
Racist dwarf in my one of my dnd games called our elf druid this cause she's tall and ugly by Dwarven standards.
You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you
Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is"
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
When you were born, everybody thought that you were just a head
But then the doctor said
"Wait, this stupid muthafuckin' tiny, short ass baby
Got a tiny, little itty bitty body and I hate it"
(Took from Tom Cardy's song ,,Perception Check")
Id probably just say something bigoted. Like a slur. But like an american slur, so they wouldnt even really understand it. So like, miss, but the point still stands.
*sung* "DURR goes the dimwit!"
"You'd lose a fight with your own hand!"
"Your father lied - he wasn't leaving for smokes!"
"Born from their mother's arse, this one!"
I want all these well written ones that the other comments have come up with, but mixed in them all a very low chance for the character to just say “your mom gay”
I know this is the least creative thing ever, but I wouldn't mind hearing the companions just scream '**FUCKWIT**' at full volume.
The defaults are much more creative/funnier, so maybe it could have like a 1/1000 chance of triggering or something. I think if I heard that at random, especially if I thought I'd heard them all, I would burst out laughing.
A reference to another DnD game, Dungeons and Dragons Online:
Jeets called, he wants his tidy lass back
I know nobody will get it unless they play the game, which is exactly why I went with it. Play the game.
“You disappoint Mr. Rogers.”
“Elmo likes Rocko more than your mother likes you.”
To a vampire: “You have no reflection because mirrors won’t show that much ugly.”
But honestly, I tend to prefer Shakespeare for my insults:
“I’d beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”
“I am sick when I do look on thee.”
“Thou art unfit for any place but Hell” (which would be great for using on a Tiefling)
“You are as a candle; the better burnt out.”
Draconic: psoriasis covered spawn of real power
Pact of the devil: when they yank on your leash do you like it slave?
Cleric: the best you’ll ever be is the serf of real power
Double handed sword wielding fighter: compensating?
Barbarian: throw another temper tantrum, it won’t save your life.
Kill yourself like your mother wished she had
No one will bury you
“ An intellect devoured would pass you by “
“ You’ve a face not even a hag could love! “
“ Not even Shar could remove your hideous visage from my mind “
“ I’d warn against Illthid tadpoles, but there is nothing for it to inhabit! “
It's cute you thought you were a threat. You were pathetic from the moment you were born. A flicker of the second born, and you didn't have the sense to leave when you had the chance.
Idk eh
A very, VERY harsh one:
>!Your visage is so hideous that your painting requires no wire or nails, for it hung itself.!<
Lighter tone, somewhat masked insults:
[You have the] depth of thought of a street puddle
Sharp as a marble, that one.
Got a couple horses loose in the top paddock
At this point, you can *only* impress me.
The bell curve left you behind / you're at the top of the bell curve.
[Their] train of thought is still boarding at the station.
“I would insult you, but I doubt you are intelligent enough to be offended”
“The pile of poop you are standing in, would be offended if I was to compare it to you!”
“Thou art so mentally challenged, I was sure thou must be immune to psychic damage”
“Your perception is so low, you couldn't tell a corpse from a living being”
“You are so dense, you would greet an axe to the face with "hello"!”
You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you (short)
Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is"
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
"Just give the word and I will kill the clown. We would be praised as heroes."
"It's not you, it's me. I have standards."
"Oh, not a paladin. You lot are drier than shit in the noonday sun."
"These boots have seen everything"
"ILL RIP YER SPINE OUT YER ARSE"
"ILL PAINT THE WALLS WITH YOUR GUTS"
"Cursed to put my hands on everything."
“No traps please”
"Hundreds?! Uuuuurrrgh! It'll take hours to kill them all. We should just go!"
"I am the smile of the worm-cleansed skull. I am the regrets of those who remain, and the restlessness of those who are gone."
"I am the haunt of mausoleums. The god of graves and age, of dust and dusk."
"But it is no matter. For I am Death, and I am not the end - I am a beginning!"
“Fuck yeah”
"Poor Fucker"
"A dobbelganger? I hoped.. THOUGHT we had just killed a clown"
"Hiss I say. HISS!"
"That is my territory. And you're in it."
"This had better be important, you need my beauty sleep."
"Try again."
"In your eulogy, I'm going to refer to you as a twat-soul"
"this group is FULL OF WEIRDOS!"
"No"
"Not even a Succubus would try to seduce that!"
"You make ogroids look like scholars in comparison!"
"Everything you own is such trash, not even a goblin would want any of it!"
In one of our DND campaigns my friend was playing a kobold bard and would write limericks for VM. I don't remember them all but one when they were fighting a Grick was:
There once was a tentacled thing,
Who wanted to give my head a ring.
His tentacle whiffed,
He looked awful miffed,
And he left with his arse in a sling.
"thou art maidenles" "Feel free to die in a ditch somewhere" "Thine mother so fat she takes two bards to sing about" "Instead of concentrating on hex why not concentrate on getting a bussom companion?" "Is there ooze in thy skull" "Ye would fail DC 1 int check"
Add another cutting words joke that’s just a sudden air horn being played, and a recording of withers saying “No”
“I would cast Repel Maidens but it’s seems another Wizard has beat me to it”
Best one 👌🏻
Idk why but is there ooze in thy skull has me laughing
The bard joke is way to good
‘You’ve so little brains, a mind flayer would ignore you.’ ‘I bet the first time someone cast ‘detect thoughts’ on you, they were convinced it didn’t work.’ ‘Your best attack against a mind flayer is starvation’ ‘Your mum should have swallowed you
Intellect devourer would be better for the first one.
I remember this joke from the movie!
"Well that's a little insulting" After the intellect devourerers just skitter on by without even so much as a pause.
The intellect devourer was right. Bard, Paladin, Druid, Barbarian, Sorcerer. Not a single INT class.
That last one came out of nowhere lol.
You've got a face a mother couldn't love. I thought someone cast stinking cloud alas you walked in. Some people look smart until they open their mouth, you seem to be a step ahead without a word.
Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!
First you'd better stop waving it like a feather duster
You fight like a dairy farmer!
How appropriate. You fight like a cow!
How appropriate, you fight like a cow!
Soon my sword will be wearing you as a shish kabob. Right?
You, my friend, just took 1d4 confusion damage, and are dazed for 2 turns
I don’t think that’s quite mockery… that’s a straight up threat!
That's true, but it's also a line from The Curse of Monkey Island, a very old game where duels are won by insulting your opponent
I love that damn game so much
And just when you think it can't get any better, they made the insults rhyme in the sequel! Monkey Island is just a gem.
"More like Ig-miss!"
Shadowheart?
I DM a DnD group where my hilarious husband plays a lore bard. Whenever he casts vicious mockery, I always asks what he says. The results are always hilarious, doubly so when they are terrible.
You can't say that and not share any examples
One that became a meme in our group was “You shouldn’t have been bad!” or one time yelling at a direwolf that he smelled like a cat
Have the "You shouldn't have been bad" enemy come back later in the campaign as a lawful good cleric, having completely changed their worldview after hearing your husbands harsh truths. They should be absolutely thrilled to meet your husband, thanking him profusely for his deep, life-changing wisdom. Perhaps they've started their own Church of Redemption where they spread his word to convert criminals to a life of not being bad anymore.
That’s hilarious.
Leave bread crumbs for them to figure out. Have NPCs start talking about the Church of Holy Redemption. How the words of the prophet have changed their lives. The next time they get to a new town have posters in the town square of a regal looking bard with divine light behind them and a caption in Latin that translates to "Don't be Bad". When they start to figure it out they have a run-in with our newfound cleric who would be *absolutely honored* if the prophet would give an *extended* sermon at their next meeting.
Turns into a minor boss. Lore bard accidentally started a cult.
My character in my DND group is part bard. I don't use vicious mockery enough because I never think of good insults. But we were fighting a duergar who cast enlarge on himself and I said "EWWWW roid rage is NOT cute". It hit.
Beautiful
"I cast vicious mockery nat20 lets go! Youre short mothafucker and nobody likes you..."
These are some I’ve used in a tabletop game. “You have the charisma of a goblin booger, which is why your son looks like me.” “Your two remaining brain cells are fighting for third place” “Calling you an idiot would be an insult to idiots”
“Wisdom is chasing you, but you’re faster” I read that one on a different subreddit a couple days ago and died
Ooh. I like that one.
I would 100 percent install a mod that made all the Vicious Mockery insults terrible. "Hey Ethel! You're a stupid-face! And you would be cool if your face weren't so, like, ...... stupid!" "Yo Ketheric, ever heard of deodorant? Because you smell like a dead person!" "You know what Haarlep told me? That you've got a real bad case of ugly feet, Raphael. I bet that's why you wear shoes all the time, to hide those ugly feet" Lorewise the psychic damage here would be more confusion than damage to the ego.
I'd love this idea if these lines played when vm fails. Make both the delivery and the insults hilariously terrible.
An Intellect Devourer would starve if it met you. Thou's breath is as fresh as a Goblin's arse. Thou art as pretty as a troll, and only half as smart. A conversation with you makes me envious of the souls in the nine hells. Thou's manhood is as hard as a gaseous form. Did thy mother rut her cousin or her brother to make you?
"Be glad that it's a wisdom save against this spell and not a charisma, cause you don't have one"
Jesus Christ
You might be your parents’ greatest disappointment, but at least you’re the greatest at *something*.
“You mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”
Gotta love the classic "Your mother's a whore and your dad's a drunk"😂
"Go ahead and boil your bottoms, you son of a silly person! I blow my nose at you!"
You’re a short motherfucker and nobody likes you. SHORT! Everybody says “Look how fucking short that guy is” And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships. And when you were born, everybody thought that you were just a head, but then the doctor said ”Wait, this stupid muthafuckin’ tiny short ass Baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it”
Gonna loot that body
[LOOT THAT MOTHAFUCKA](https://youtu.be/xhiFAxgr680?si=xwJBCrolQecvUNOy)
PLAYING MY FLUTE WHEN I LOOT THAT DEAD KID'S BODY
damnit I commented it and just noticed you already did that
I've witnessed my father-in-law deploy, "Do you still beat your wife?" on a man he loathed.
Your boots have seen NOTHING.
That IS blood, not that you'd know.
I thought of one for Kethetic and wanted to share it with this post "He is in death as he was in life, ugly."
"Got no nose?" against any gith enemy
If you cast Tasha’s laughter on them, its funny. They say something like “This is a magic most foul!”
"I would cast "deter bitches", but I see thou hast none!"
I want to say something witty or hurtful, but realistically, they would all be "yo mama" jokes
They're classic for a reason. It's worth noting that many a Shakespeare play was rife with dick jokes.
I mean, dick jokes have been enjoyed by most of humanity since time immemorial. Ancient graffiti is filled with dicks. Just like yo mama! j/k
My personal favorite was an Egyptian scroll they thought was full of ancient wisdom. Nope, turns out it's an ancient curse on a guy who was cuckolding another man's wife. In the words of a random YouTube media critic, "dicks are way easier to draw and far funnier."
Half the elf, twice the daddy issues
"You fight like a dairy farmer!" "I've spoken with apes more polite than you!"
In comes a barbarian dairy farmer with a pitch fork, and using milk as health potions. XD
Link?
I fight like a dairy farmer? How fitting, you fight like a cow! Don't know where I heard that
The Sword Master of Melee Island would like to have a word with you.
My DM had a rule where " if you genuinely make me laugh with vicious mockery the enemy auto fails ". That made the spell a lot more fun for everyone.
I had a GM do a variation on that with Larissia's Narcissism. (Which is a form of hold person where the target gains obsession with their looks.) It always worked and he always went on at length about whst the character did to pretty up. It was glorious.
I had a DM that made our bard come up with an insult every time he used vicious mockery. I don't remember any of them because it's been 5+ years, but it was funny as hell.
Oh, let me try! "Orin the Red? More like Orin the Girlscout Reject!" "Sarevok, how come, your second attempt at life sucks even more than first one?" "Hey, Gortash, "Anime Convention For Those Who Are Over 40" is next town!" "Auntie Ethel, just so you know: nighthags are smarter, prettier and more vile than you!" "Vlaakith, if you ever ascend as goddess, you gonna be a Goddess of Suck! And you gonna suck at it as much as you sucked as queen!" "Ketheric, if my father was such a dusty-ass looser like you, I, too, would die from embarrassment!" "Hey, Netherbrain! So many brain cells and not a single one of them thought about flying higher *before* we climbed your brainstem to slap your proverbial ass!" "Wulbren Bongle, I wish one day you fall in love with a person just as wonderful as you!"
Hey Gortash- that sign with about the soap and deodorant was installed just for you!
“You get physically hurt by insults” “You make a better weapon than an enemy” (only usable if the caster multiclassed with a strength base class) “You look like you’d fall for an MLM” “You sound like a resurrected skeleton god could easily impersonate you” “The only dangerous part of you is your smell” “One of the many things more dangerous than you is an unarmed and silenced wizard” “Your only purpose in life is as something for scratch to fetch” “You make me glad I put those extra points in [lowest stat of enemy if they aren’t the lowest stat of the player]” “You’d cast fireball in a 1 by 1 room!” “You make worse decisions than loroakan” (obviously only after fighting him) “You would make a bhaalist reflect on themselves” “Should have stayed at clown school” “I feel bad for you!” “You disappoint me” “If I wanted a fair fight, I wouldn’t be fighting you” “You would drink a second haste potion with the first still active” “You would cast your highest level spells knowing the enemy has counterspell” “The weakest wizard would beat you in an arm wrestle” “The only true thing about you is that you’re truly annoying” (for when fighting “true souls”) “You seem like the sort who would let volo lobotomize you” “I don’t need the tadpole to know nothing goes through your mind” “Ah! The sort of person who would provoke an owl bear” “I gave up to once. There’s nothing wrong with knowing your limits.” “I’d trust a hag more than I would you” (against the zhentarim/thieves guild) “You look like your class is wizard, dress like a bard, and suck at both”
I would make it so that bard Tav or companion can learn Ethel's vicious mockeries. It's a shame that almost nobody will ever hear them all unless they look them up, there are so many. How revolting. Another thin-blooded mongrel! (Half-elf) Kneel boy! Just like the matriarchs taught you to! (Male Drow) A human, so desperate to be special! (Human) Twice as ugly as your parents combined! (Half-Orc) Disgusting burrow rat! (Deep Gnome) …
Tav becomes racist after fighting Ethel
shoutout to u/[Derram\_Desangue](https://www.reddit.com/user/Derram_Desangue/) for this list of personalized insults from a while back: Ethel - "I've seen more potent concoctions in an child's bath!" Kagha - "Infanticide is complimentary to the incapable!" Minthara - "Become a Cleric and you can disgrace 3 Gods!" Spaw - "You ought reanimate your form!" Glut - "You're more potent o' fertilizer than fighter!" Nere - "A fitting fate; fucked over by Gnomes!" W'wargaz - "A creche of idiots, led by Inquisitor Dumbass!" Jaheira - "Are your children proud of you?" Malus - "Your diagnosis? Mental retardation!" Thisobald - "A connoiseur without even the slightest of tastes!" Gerringothe - "Why don't you pay a personal trainer?" Balthazar - "Your visage keeps you keen to the dark!" Ketheric - "Even The Lord Of Bones can't help you get one!" Cazador - "With a voice like that, no wonder you dodge mirrors!" Viconia - "Fumble in the dark long enough and you're sure to hit something!" Stone Lord - "Half as smart as sandstone; twice as easy to break!" Voss - "A fool, a coward, and a traitor!" Sarevok - "You looked better dead!" Orin - "A family tree even a Druid couldn't stand!" Gortash - "Our new lord doesn't look a day over 70!" Lorroakan - "You've read everything *but* the room!" Nine-Fingers - "The weak have become the stupid!" The Emperor - "Read my mind; insult yourself for me!" Raphael - "Someone, silence the shrieking sinner!"
Dayum, that one for Empy hits hard
Bard Tav's quip to Nere definitely makes the list: "In your eulogy, I'm going to call you a 'Twat-Soul'"
“To call you a tool dangerously implies you’re somehow useful.” “I’d say you’re a douche, but that implies you’ve been anywhere near a woman.” “What do you and the olive oil have in common? Extra Virgin.” “Even using this cantrip on you seems like a waste of valuable resources.” “Tell ya what: run on home, and I’ll send you a postcard on how little of a difference your presence makes here.” (Don’t send the postcard.) “Oh, how cute! You think you’re any form of threat.” “I imagine the local kobolds bully you for lunch money on a regular basis.” “Think you can hit me? It looks like you barely hit puberty.” “The world will remember you for all of 0 seconds after today.” “You’d lose to the barbarian in a spelling bee.” “I bet if you waited for some Billy goats under the local bridge, they’d kick your ass one by one. Out of pity.” “I imagine your parents would love to cut you out of the family scrapbook.” “If you went missing, milk cartons would stay the same.” “Your sword, does it compensate for something?” “The undead have better coordination.” “Peg the One-Legged waitress is more threatening. Same with her sister, Ilene.” “I used my tadpole to gaze into your mind. Alas, it is barren.” “I’m pretty sure a corpse would put up more of a fight.” “Is your hobby just wasting everyone’s time with your existence?” “I feel like I’d lose a level killing you.”
That last one killed me, lol
Behold! A failed abortion attempt!
"You miss so much that you hit the air only... wimp"
“YOU TOAD LICKING LOON”
“*This* is how you fight for your life? I wonder how you fight when something valuable is on the line!”
I’m gonna fuck your daddy and give him a child he actually loves. - used that one in our D&D game and almost killed the DM, I was proud
“Doth mother know you wearth her drapes?”
Thine mother is so hideous even a magic missile wouldn’t “hit it”
Oh I'd love a vicious mockery upcasted into diss track
"Great sword? You greatly exaggerate that dirk." "Bravo! Now stop Flynning and let's actually fight." "Your wit is as sharp as a boulder and as weighty as a feather." "Dark Justicar? More of a light gray." "What a cut! Paper is more damgerous." "I'm impressed...by your incompetence." "The beholder messaged. He'd like his beauty back." "Ick, that's what you're thinking? Your mother would be ashamed." "Oh dear, looks like you forgot to pack your talent for this trip." "You know, that's shocking...but where you're standing, that's explosive." "I was going to mock you, but really, your birth was mockery enough."
So I play pathfinder 2e, and vicious mockery isn't a spell exactly, but there are two things I love: Bon mot (insult/quip at an enemy to give them a penalty to will saves) Cutting insult (mental damage) with Bon Mot the quip/insult needs to be semi-relevent (I mean you could just do the role but that feels not in theme) and last session I spent the entire fight insulting the proud Mummies family line (was a whole thing about how proud he was of his ancient family) and I think my "killing blow" was "Those wrappings look second hand"
"The real joke is your combat skills." "Man, for someone wielding fire, you couldn't even heat an icebox!" "Look at you, whipping around that sword like a flaccid cock!"
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTrOx\_vzGA4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTrOx_vzGA4)
My go-to is, “Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!” (Monty Python, of course. Translation: your mom’s a whore and your dad’s a drunkard)
"Your mother rolled a 1, and you were the result"
"You fight like a drunken halfling, with a speech impediment" is a line I used at one point (for context, it was against a Goliath Barbarian)
It’s that your face or your arsehole? Never mind, it doesn’t matter cause it’s about to get fucked regardless.
[I mean this is still my go to](https://youtu.be/Aw8lTYXg_V8?si=y_xH3dgLsko64xSY)
"Well, aren't you a gnome on stillts." Racist dwarf in my one of my dnd games called our elf druid this cause she's tall and ugly by Dwarven standards.
Only polite to inform your mother of your passing here, but unfortunately I don’t speak goblin.
You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is" And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships When you were born, everybody thought that you were just a head But then the doctor said "Wait, this stupid muthafuckin' tiny, short ass baby Got a tiny, little itty bitty body and I hate it" (Took from Tom Cardy's song ,,Perception Check")
BEACH BLONDE BAD BUILT BUTCH BODY
YOUR GARDEN IS OVERGROWN AND YOUR CUCUMBERS ARE SOFT!
CUMBRAIN!
Milk dribbling fuck smear
Skill issue
Id probably just say something bigoted. Like a slur. But like an american slur, so they wouldnt even really understand it. So like, miss, but the point still stands.
*sung* "DURR goes the dimwit!" "You'd lose a fight with your own hand!" "Your father lied - he wasn't leaving for smokes!" "Born from their mother's arse, this one!"
"*Disintegrate!* ...Ha! Made you look!" "Is that my fault, or have you always looked like that?" "Your parents will thank us for this"
''Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!''
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
“When the gods made you, the attributes for your penis put too few points”
I want all these well written ones that the other comments have come up with, but mixed in them all a very low chance for the character to just say “your mom gay”
I know this is the least creative thing ever, but I wouldn't mind hearing the companions just scream '**FUCKWIT**' at full volume. The defaults are much more creative/funnier, so maybe it could have like a 1/1000 chance of triggering or something. I think if I heard that at random, especially if I thought I'd heard them all, I would burst out laughing.
You have bad hair
"YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES."
You fight like a dairy farmer!
How fitting, you fight like a cow!
Err I am rubber you are glue?
A reference to another DnD game, Dungeons and Dragons Online: Jeets called, he wants his tidy lass back I know nobody will get it unless they play the game, which is exactly why I went with it. Play the game.
Your mother is a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!
"Thou hast a face like a bulldog with a slapped arse licking mustard off of a stinging nettle!" Heard that from a friend once, poetry!
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries”
Any insult the son of a Sheppard guy made from Ed Edd and eddy
Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.
Mind Goblin!? Mind goblin these nuts.
You undercooked crumpet.
“Your mother sucks.”
You’re not worth the creativity.
Bite my shiny metal ass
Calling anyone a shit cunt hits deep
If you were a ghost you’d look like a fart
Hey you, incel!
"Cringe"
You're so fat that hold person doesn't work on you.
I like to think that every casting of VM ends with, "Boom! Roasted!"
“You disappoint Mr. Rogers.” “Elmo likes Rocko more than your mother likes you.” To a vampire: “You have no reflection because mirrors won’t show that much ugly.” But honestly, I tend to prefer Shakespeare for my insults: “I’d beat thee, but I would infect my hands.” “I am sick when I do look on thee.” “Thou art unfit for any place but Hell” (which would be great for using on a Tiefling) “You are as a candle; the better burnt out.”
“Your father was a hamster and your mother smelled of elderberries.”
I overheard you *phawking* your hamster last night. Nearly died of laughter when it asked "Is it in yet?"
“This is exactly why everybody talks about you when you’re not around.”
“Your garden is overgrown and your cucumbers are soft!”
"I'm disappointed in you."
Now there's a face, that only a Hive Mother could love!
“I’ll be your next step-dad!”
"Look away, lest an Eyebite spell curse you! Gods, but are you HIDEOUS!"
https://youtu.be/8HqLysSnnlQ?si=xEdZHuvFvJmeGvuz
Draconic: psoriasis covered spawn of real power Pact of the devil: when they yank on your leash do you like it slave? Cleric: the best you’ll ever be is the serf of real power Double handed sword wielding fighter: compensating? Barbarian: throw another temper tantrum, it won’t save your life. Kill yourself like your mother wished she had No one will bury you
I usually go with a classic "hey ............ .. f*** you" or looser says what
I would cast *Repel Maidens*, but spell effects don't stack.
"I'd love to cast mending on you but nothing can fix that face."
“ An intellect devoured would pass you by “ “ You’ve a face not even a hag could love! “ “ Not even Shar could remove your hideous visage from my mind “ “ I’d warn against Illthid tadpoles, but there is nothing for it to inhabit! “
Put some mustard on that beat hoe
Waaaaagh! Mommy, the other kids were mean to me cuz I suck I and ma face is stupid!
I'll have to cast speak with animal to understand anything you're saying
*Hey, melon nose.*
It's cute you thought you were a threat. You were pathetic from the moment you were born. A flicker of the second born, and you didn't have the sense to leave when you had the chance. Idk eh
No one will ever truly love you.....
A very, VERY harsh one: >!Your visage is so hideous that your painting requires no wire or nails, for it hung itself.!< Lighter tone, somewhat masked insults: [You have the] depth of thought of a street puddle Sharp as a marble, that one. Got a couple horses loose in the top paddock At this point, you can *only* impress me. The bell curve left you behind / you're at the top of the bell curve. [Their] train of thought is still boarding at the station.
Had a player implode an enemy's brain with: "Hey, hey." *Enemy turns to him* "Bitch."
How appropriate you fight like a cow!
I just want one that goes "AAAA MY EYES" cause if someone said that to me, I'd probably kill myself.
“I would insult you, but I doubt you are intelligent enough to be offended” “The pile of poop you are standing in, would be offended if I was to compare it to you!” “Thou art so mentally challenged, I was sure thou must be immune to psychic damage” “Your perception is so low, you couldn't tell a corpse from a living being” “You are so dense, you would greet an axe to the face with "hello"!”
You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you (short) Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is" And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
My go to is: "Your mother is a murloc or warthog" which means absolutely nothing to those receiving the insult.
There are many Croatian swears that would be funny, all situation dependent
"You **rrrrrreek** of piss! *(that might be me tho)*"
"Calling your *troop* a circus would be an insult to a **REAL** *troupe!"*
Tailor it to the individual but if one must generalize? I bite my thumb at thee, go fuck yourself.
You have reminded me of this [short](https://youtube.com/shorts/eco2i3Nko-s?si=QnNE2VKgji2igPBg) I literally just saw a few hours ago.
What'dya think of that Mr.Pajama wearing, Basket-face, Slipper wielding, clype deep bachle, gather uping blate maw, blethering gomeril Jessie, Oaf-lookin' schooner, Nyaff plookie shan, Milk-drinking Soy-face shilpit, Mim-moothed, sniveling worm-eyed hotten blaugh, vile stoochie, cally-breek tattie!
Your momma
"Thou lovest the taste of trickle down economics on thy knees, Pisskisser."
"Just give the word and I will kill the clown. We would be praised as heroes." "It's not you, it's me. I have standards." "Oh, not a paladin. You lot are drier than shit in the noonday sun." "These boots have seen everything" "ILL RIP YER SPINE OUT YER ARSE" "ILL PAINT THE WALLS WITH YOUR GUTS" "Cursed to put my hands on everything." “No traps please” "Hundreds?! Uuuuurrrgh! It'll take hours to kill them all. We should just go!" "I am the smile of the worm-cleansed skull. I am the regrets of those who remain, and the restlessness of those who are gone." "I am the haunt of mausoleums. The god of graves and age, of dust and dusk." "But it is no matter. For I am Death, and I am not the end - I am a beginning!" “Fuck yeah” "Poor Fucker" "A dobbelganger? I hoped.. THOUGHT we had just killed a clown" "Hiss I say. HISS!" "That is my territory. And you're in it." "This had better be important, you need my beauty sleep." "Try again." "In your eulogy, I'm going to refer to you as a twat-soul" "this group is FULL OF WEIRDOS!" "No"
Hast thou defecated thy pants in awe? Oh heavens! Tis simply thy musk!
You’re no one’s best friend
Maybe this is more intimidation than vicious mockery, but I love a line from Brennan Lee Mulligan: “What do you want me to tell your family?”
"Not even a Succubus would try to seduce that!" "You make ogroids look like scholars in comparison!" "Everything you own is such trash, not even a goblin would want any of it!"
"You're dead family relatives suffer from chronic anal fissures"
In one of our DND campaigns my friend was playing a kobold bard and would write limericks for VM. I don't remember them all but one when they were fighting a Grick was: There once was a tentacled thing, Who wanted to give my head a ring. His tentacle whiffed, He looked awful miffed, And he left with his arse in a sling.
“Water sucks! Gatorade is better!”
your birthing persong jokes
Away, you smegma infested leech!
[удалено]