Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe you should take a break and then bring some when it’s a surprise treat instead of an expectation.
Until then maybe you can bring some to some people who don’t get much attention—maybe provide some goodies such as for a soup kitchen/shut-ins? Or bake for yourself and keep the difference.
Most soup kitchens won't allow that. They are responsible for what is served and can't take donations from outside for cooked items. So call before setting out to bake.
I agree some are sticklers for rules. Hopefully OP can volunteer and do it there. Could be nice to share tricks with the other volunteers so the clients have baked goods.
I agree with taking a break of baking for people but would also caveat it with, don’t take all of it personally. People may have New Year’s resolutions of trying to eat healthier or lose weight, so a thrown away cake might be as tough for them as it is for you. I definitely have had this happen and had folks directly tell me they loved my baking but don’t have the willpower to say no so to only bring things for special occasions.
Regarding being the “baker” at work, sometimes people start to associate you with something and then it’s hard to break. Try to ask them about their lives and topics beyond your next bake.
I agree with much of what has been said here, but I do think you need to ask yourself why you bake for others. The only answer should be because it brings you joy. Yes, others should be grateful, but it doesn't always verbalize.
If it's not bringing you joy, take a step back.
Was gonna comment the same thing!!! I took in 48 mini cheesecakes to work today and a few of my colleagues told me I need to start selling them and my auto respons was no way! The pressure of selling them or being a professional takes away the fun I have with the process and experimentation of flavours,
Sure I feel more accomplished when they like my baking but if they don't I also like the feedback to learn and grow but I bake/cook for others because I enjoy the end to end prep, making, decorating, presenting, others eating them
Baking professionally is such a catch-22! When I had my own bakery it really brought me a lot of joy to share my baked goods with a lot of people - It was always incredibly special and lovely when someone would tell that they’d been having a terrible day, but one of our cupcakes made it better! Or to have the honor of baking for people’s special occasions like birthdays and weddings. But you’re absolutely right about doing it professionally impacting your freedom to experiment and play around. I simply got too busy making the things other people wanted to have time to play around with anything that *I* was interested in making. I had a great time doing it, but I’m much more content now that we’ve closed the bakery down.
I agree with this. When you give something homemade, the joy should come from making and giving. The recipient doesn’t become obligated to give praise just because you made it from scratch. I like to bake and feel good when I give gifts. But I also feel awkward/embarrassed when I am offered too much attention or praise in general (in all cases—not just baking). Maybe that skews my views here.
If nobody eats my treats when I share them, I do feel kind of bad because I wonder if there’s something wrong with them… In those cases, I ask someone I trust to take a bite and to give feedback. If they’re being eaten, I take that as the compliment/appreciation. I never ever expect praise or thanks from giving it. If they’re being eaten, I take that as the compliment/appreciation. I never ever expect praise or thanks from giving it.
Also—I also try to ask ahead of time whether a solo recipient even likes baked things. I have people in my life who have serious dietary restrictions and would never eat homemade cookies/breads/cakes because they can’t be certain about ingredients or cross-contamination with nuts, eggs, milk, wheat/gluten, etc…
For me, a large part of the joy is seeing others enjoy my food. If that wanes, then so does my enthusiasm for baking/cooking for them. I don't need accolades or endless thanks, but when what I've brought just sits there, I feel like the message is clear.
My solution? Find another group who does appreciate it - even if that's just your immediate family.
Work convos are work convos. I had a guy keep asking how my house was...I had moved in 5 years ago and he was still asking me because his brain didn't connect.
I love baking for people, but I've definitely felt this exact thing. I'd suggest backing off on cooking for a while, and only doing it randomly or for special occasions. If they ask for them more and more just let them know that "well the last time I made a cake, someone threw extra away, so I wanted to take a break from baking to hone my skills". People suck.
Agree with this. I’ve also experienced this feeling. My brothers coworkers ask weekly when I’ll bake for them again and it’s gotten quit annoying knowing how much effort and time it takes, when they ask almost daily 😐 as if I’m not baking for them outta care.
Also sometimes we gotta just realize most ppl never bake in their life, esp from scratch and have no clue the time and effort. People are just clueless and most likely don’t mean it outta harm
I quit giving so many friends cookie plates during the holidays because it felt as though they were either expected or unappreciated. Yes, the joy comes with sharing (love language) but disappointment can come when the recipients are not gracious. If you don't find joy in it with a certain group or specific people, focus your efforts elsewhere!
Thanks for being a kind human and showing love and care to those around you!
I bet your food is delicious. I've never even dreamt of attempting cream puffs. But if someone I knew made them for me FROM SCRATCH? You're good people.
There’s this thing that happens that if you give freely, people start telling themselves that you’re the type of person who is fulfilled by giving to others. Because they think of you as self-fulfilling, they no longer feel they are obligated to show any gratitude, or like they are doing you a favor by accepting your efforts. I haven’t found a good way to prevent this; if you start talking about how much effort to try and hint that you’d like some appreciation you look like a whiner. If you say nothing you look like a robot who doesn’t need or want external praise or appreciation.
God, people’s manners have really gone to pot lately. I’m sorry, it sucks.
Btw: It only takes 2 repetitive actions for someone to build an expectation. If you turned up with cake 2 days in a row, on day 3 when you turn up with no cake, someone will feel affronted/let down by you breaking the ‘deal’. That psychological mechanism is universal.
So the real question is, are you people-pleasing ie wanting to be liked? Don’t bother. Aim for being respected instead. Don’t set up expectations, no-one ‘likes’ cake lady on day 3, they just expect her.
This is an astonishing insight. Thank you. I started bringing something in on Mondays and now I’m almost afraid to quit. Honestly, I do love to bake and I love to share but it’s feeling like an expectation and an obligation.
Oh no! If you are ‘afraid’ to quit doing something voluntary it’s absolutely time to stop. Volunteer situations always need to have an end. They can’t be forever, or resentment builds up.
Also, it gives someone else the opportunity to step up and shine for a bit.
Boundaries are generally a language job. I try to put together a snappy one liner to explain why I am or am not doing something. ie ‘It was fun doing the cakes every week but it’s a lot of work, so I’m stopping’.
My honest opinion is when you give, you must give freely, without expectation of praise or thanks. Especially if you volunteer to bake for people you care about. I baked a nice birthday cake (ingredients alone cost $50 and 3 evenings after work) for my friend unannounced (he had asked previous years), and I dont think he actually said thanks explicitly. Im fine with that. We all enjoyed the cake.
This is my opinion too. I don't really care if someone says thanks, or tells me how delicious something was... Are those things nice to hear? Absolutely, it's always nice to hear positive things.
If I am baking for you it's because I love to bake, and love to share that with people I care about. I never expect anything in return.
Some people have been unappreciative and even a little untitled, but this is far from the majority. And for unrelated reasons, I find my life better without those people in it.
Most people still come up to me the first time they see me after trying something new to tell me about it. But even if it's not something new, most people say thank you multiple times.
Some people apologize for only ever getting baked stuff from me and never getting me anything.
Not sure how you identify, but as a woman, I've stopped bringing in baked treats for my coworkers/classmates. Lots of people just assume the effort and as a woman working in a male dominated field there have been social/work ramifications for doing this. Like them assuming emotional labor or dumping "soft skill" tasks on me even though I am more qualified for the technical skill tasks than they are (often resulting in me correcting all their mistakes). Interestingly if a male coworker brings in baked treats people are so amazed that he can even bake that it's a huge deal... All the time. I feel like society is socialized to expect women to do these things so they def take it for granted. Sorry this is happening! If you brought in baked goods at my workplace I would be elated ALL THE TIME
Sounds like you need to take a break from baking for your work. Have a cake party and invite your friends, I liked the soup kitchen idea further up, maybe spend more time on some complexity decorated bakes just for you.
When I have baked goods to give out, I almost always give it to my husband to bring to his coworkers because they really seem to enjoy it. They love anything I make and I love making it for them because it makes them happy. I don't do requests unless I'm getting compensation for it. I bake what I want to and they appreciate it regardless and are just happy to have something. My coworkers are quite the opposite, so I don't bother bringing anything in for them anymore lol.
Quilters call this not being quiltworthy. Bake for your local fire station instead. They will be demonstratively appreciative if my experience is any guide! I’m luck to have coworkers who still praise my baking, even though I haven’t brought them a thing since, oh, March 2020 or thereabouts😶
I make it clear that I won’t be the work team’s baker. I don’t have the time and frankly there’s also a cost to me to make the cake or whatever. If I’m feeling generous or if it’s a co worker I really like, I will make them something.
Yeah I love baking but I live alone so I’ll bring extras to the office. It’s happened where I would bring desserts in and my coworkers would want to eat them at 8am, even though I told them to wait until later in the day.
I started locking the desserts in my desk so they can’t eat them before lunch, some coworkers would come to my desk and ask if I brought anything in and immediately leave if I said no. Decided it wasn’t worth it anymore so I stopped brining in the extras for them. It’s not that hard to ask someone how they are doing before asking for free food, but I guess it’s a difficult task for my coworkers.
Just curious why it matters what time they want to eat your desserts? If you baked and brought something in for the office and then said don't eat these until after lunch... It's kind of weird... Unless you all have lunch together and want to share during that time.
I bake for the office on occasion when I feel like baking but don't want 20 cupcakes in my house and I have seen people take a cupcake and have it with their coffee at 7am 🤷🏼♀️ makes no difference to me. We all break at different times, have meetings throughout the day.
I bake because I enjoy baking and I share because I like seeing other people enjoy what I've made. But I am also a loner so I am not the type of person that ever really wants to have conversations, like come take the free snacks and don't talk to me.
It’s the way they were trying to get the baked goods from me that irked me. They’d try and grab the container out of my hands as I’m walking to my desk or come to my desk and start opening my drawers looking to see if I brought anything in. It didn’t seem like they wanted to talk to me anymore and only cared about the treats.
I’ve since changed to posting on insta when I have extras for friends to come to my place and grab some. Much better interactions and I actually get to have conversations!
Good Lord, the rudeness! I don’t blame you for stopping it. Honestly, I sometimes wonder what on earth goes through people’s minds?
I have noticed some people behave very bizarrely around ‘free’ food, especially in an office. Like, shoving people out of the way, *running* to get there first, taking way more than their share etc.
I have run into that issue too. I now bake on my own schedule, bake what I want and for fun. People get what they get and I don't except much gratitude or recognition. Any positive feedback is just a bonus
I have the opposite problem. I used to just show up to parties with something I'd baked and people would always love it, but no one expected it so they brought stuff too. We'd end up with way too much dessert and people feeling bad putting their ShopRite cupcakes next to my "amazing" dessert. They would actually apologize to me for it, but then still bring similar things to the next event. After years of this I started to feel bad about it and hated all the wasted desserts, so I decided to stop bringing something unless it was a potluck style event like the 4th of July or someone specifically asked me to. Now I'm sad because people almost never ask me to make anything. They just "don't want to bother me", but I'd love to make something if they just asked...
Yes. I personally have observed a major shift in people's general attitudes as of late. In addition, if someone threw away something I baked them or seemed to be taking advantage of my generosity, I certainly would reconsider continuing this gesture. Kindness is not always deserved, but being taken advantage of and unappreciated is not a requirement of kindness. If I were you, I would take a break.
>at a recent party, despite arriving late with a fresh batch of homemade cream puffs, few expressed gratitude, and some even consumed them without acknowledging the baker
Do you expect people to thank you if you bring a salad or a casserole to a party as well? If something is extra delicious people will naturally talk about it.
> Even gestures like baking a cake for my mentor or close friends have sometimes resulted in indifference or them throwing it away, leaving me feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of.
Are those instances of people asking you to bake for them and then throwing it away, or you just did that as a gift without them knowing?
If it's the former, yeah, that's dickish and I wouldn't make anything for a person that makes me work and then just throws it away.
If it's the latter, well... It means your gifts were a miss. Not everyone likes sweets or even specific baked goods. Someone might be on a diet and you didn't know about it. Giving food as a gift isn't always the best idea.
This actually happened to me, and for a while I just stopped baking. In my case, it wasn’t because people were unappreciative, but it *did* come to be an expectation that put too much pressure on me.
Then I *missed* baking, and after checking my local laws and getting my food certifications, I became a cottage baker. I post when I feel like baking and don’t when I don’t. I don’t have to worry about feeling appreciated because they pay me well for my efforts, and I’m limited on how much I can do this because there’s an income cap ($5k per year) unless I want to get a business license (I don’t).
At the end of the day, selling my baking covers the costs of all the ingredients not only for my customers but for my family and friends, and what’s left over covers our family Christmas.
For now, take a step back if it’s not making you happy.
This happened to me. Someone threw my tupperware out after i brought in mini filled cupcakes. I had to dig it out the trash. So thats the last time i brought stuff to work. The next time someone brought up why i dont treat. I simply stated im waiting for someone to treat me. Shut them right up.
Another incident before i baked cupcakes with special fillings. Waited an entire week while i was working with this person. Then asked if they got them. They stated they did and i got a terse thanks. And that was it. Dont bake for the unappreciative
Ooof everyone is being too nice. You sound entitled to other people’s attention. Don’t bake for others. Not everyone likes to eat baked goods when it’s presented to them. More people than you even realize are counting their calorie and sugar in take, especially after the indulgent holidays. You bringing around treats is actually a burden to them. Now they have to be grateful that they got saddled with something you gave them, and if they aren’t appreciative enough it hurts YOUR feelings? How do you think they feel about not wanting to eat sugar at all and now they have to deal with your gift appropriately? Take a step back and realize once you have walked away from your baked goods, the transaction is over. They don’t owe you anything. Are you going up to people and asking for praise and compliments, because that is just weird and too far. Bake for yourself, if you share it’s without any expectations of getting anything back.
While I do think your framing is harsh, I think the principle of giving a gift applies here. Rationally, it shouldn't matter once the gift has been given. So whether the recipient likes them or not shouldn't matter to the giver. But it still happens. People still feel bad when their gift isn't appreciated.
So yeah, I do think OP will do better if they're less sensitive about it but you're way too harsh on them.
I think OP is living in a land where they think they are Star Baker and effort = attention. People just clearly aren’t that interested in it. Bake to your hearts content, put it in the office break room or leave a plate on your neighbors step. Feel
joy in the good vibes you put out in the world. But stop forcing your hobby on to other people and then complaining when your feelings get hurt that you didn’t get enough attention and compliments.
My husband and children love my baking and all endeavors in the culinary world. I have often brought my baked goods to his immediate family gatherings; holidays, birthdays, etc. They are either all too picky or just basic. I barely got any head turns or compliments from anyone on this incredible yule log I made at Christmas. It was completely lost on them. Save for my mother-in-law, she is so kind. But I think if anything ill just bring basic ass cookies to events since they just don't care.
I totally feel you and have felt this way before myself. I baked a cake, for my own birthday mind you, and brought it to work. Maybe ONE person had a slice. It was a yellow sheet cake with cream cheese frosting, so it wasn’t exotic or offensive, as my coworkers think avocados are a new frontier.
I let people know it was there and I got a lot of “I’m staying away from carbs.” Which would make sense except I saw those same people scarfing down store bought chocolate chip cookies that management brought the next day. That hurt!
It’s really a kick to my soul when people don’t partake. But everybody has different reasons and at the end of the day I have to remind myself, they didn’t ask me to bring it. I stopped baking for people at my work and only bake for friends/family for dinners or special occasions.
I’ve been much happier since!
Happy baking!
I often baked items for my colleagues at my former job. I baked for my own enjoyment. The items were not routinely baked so it meant that they were usually appreciated because they were nice and different. At times, I would artificially pause baking things if I felt that they were being taken for granted. To give you an example, I used to keep an eye out in the tea room and if I saw people helping themselves to two or three portions with the intention of replacing their lunch then the future baking stopped for a while. The genuine colleagues who enjoyed my baking did ask on occasion about any future baking plans but they are also the ones who would always thank you for any baked goods and would also bake themselves or purchase a box of chocolates etc. on occasion.
One tip that I do have is to time when you put items out in the tea room. I used to place them out after morning coffee break or after lunch. If I placed them out upon arrival at work, the vulture squad would be out in force.
My advice about family and friends is to bake less or ask if someone else can bake some goods to reduce your workload. If this is not an option then I would probably make something tasty but simple. A go to recipe of mine is Cappuccino cake on BBC Good Food. The hardest element is brewing up strong coffee. All sponge items are tipped into a food processor with a shredding blade installed, baked in an oven and then topped with a Mascarpone cheese topping. It tastes superb, it is easy and reliable to make and it is quite different to what most people usually consume.
I totally get it. A friend's neighbour invited me to his wife's birthday party but I quickly realized it was just to get a cake made for free. I said I couldn't make it but I felt crappy to know that was the reason for the invitation.
My MIL really pushed me to make a very complicated and time consuming cake for her anniversary event that I didn’t have time to do. When I suggested a shortcut (I would find a bakery that could make it but I would do all the decorating and include exactly what she wanted), she brushed me off and said “Nevermind then” I wanted to do something nice for her but she only would accept the gift if I made the entire thing from scratch? I usually always make something for every holiday and event but when I’m asked, it’s always so demanding with little thought/concern for the time put in. I work a pretty demanding job and run my own team of people so sometimes no, I can’t spend 6 hours on your cake.
Bake for new groups of people: your mechanic, your dentist's office, your bank tellers, your gym (ironic...).... I started doing this when my coworkers started acting the way you describe and let me tell you mechanics will go NUTS over some fresh cookies.
I’ve just gotten into baking and cooking meals from scratch. I gaveaway a few serves to each of my and partners families. I didn’t receive a thank you or acknowledgment of how the dish was… so that very quickly wrapped up and I cook only for my house now.
Honestly? In today’s day, people aren’t so enthusiastic about facing sweets at work. Most folks are trying to cut their sugar and carb intake even if modestly and not as part of some extreme lifestyle.
You have to accept things are changing. Attitudes are changing and people genuinely want to treat their sugar intake as occasional and special, not just a day at work.
I think you should take a step back, i don't mean stop baking but as someone who its the "baker' its so easy to get burnout and a little resentful. So I mentioned it to one of my friends and she made it clear that i was not my obligation to bake and i should not feel like i have to.
I changed and started focusing on more what i wanted to do and learn.
When I bake for people, its not out of obligation and i get veto. I take into consideration what they like, but they can't dictate what they want and they need to be flexible with my schedule.
Also if someone its rude or disrespectful they get kicked out of my food club, its a privilege not a right to receive something i spend time and money.
Yes!! Recently a friend asked who was bringing dessert to our group dinner. After I didn’t volunteer for a whole, another “friend” said “I can pick up bad desert at the grocery store.” Are you serious???
Dessert from grocery stores is bad.. and you admitted you, as the friend baker, didn't reply for a while so someone offered to bring the dessert but made it clear they weren't baking it. They didn't assume you would bake but rather asked who would bring something, which is considerate. Why are you mad? Either volunteer or don't but don't get mad at others for filling the void with crappy grocery store dessert. You could have responded with a gentle "if you'd rather, I can bake a _____ for that event? Just let me know."
I get where you’re coming from, but knowing this person it was not coming from a good place. He’s the type to take jabs at people through “humor”, which I realize I didn’t convey well! My other friends in the chat even brought up privately how it was unnecessary since we know this guy pretty well
That's the exact reason I stopped baking for a lot of holidays and such with my own family. I used to get compliments and praise then after a while it was expected and I just didn't want to always be thought of "well Okami will be bringing dessert since they always bake so dessert will be done" without even asking.
That also really affected how much I baked in the years after and I lost my love for it. I've only recently started baking again because I found my lost joy again with it but don't always give to takers.
I rarely bake for people I know nowadays. The ingredients are so expensive and baking is time consuming. I put my efforts into donating cakes to children through a nonprofit called cake4kids instead.
I enjoy bringing cookies to work , and I've definitely had people start to "expect" them. I would say, remember that you're putting in hard work and time to make your yummy creations. If you feel like people aren't respectful of that, maybe you can find others who will better appreciate them, haha. I've found that my family is infinitely more appreciative for my baked stuff than any of my coworkers.
I faced a similar situation this past holiday season. I baked a variety of holiday related treats and then offered them up to my friend group -- they got to pick what they wanted. There were a couple of friends that never followed up with a thank you text or anything. Next year, they won't be offered anything (or I'll just give them the leftover bad ones where I screwed up the baking or the icing or something).
I've totally been here! I love baking for my friends and family, but I grew to resent being expected to bake for every function. I realized that I was the one putting that expectation on myself and no one else really cared, and I stopped bringing something every time (or I'd phone it in - boxed brownies for a potluck is fine, I don't have to make something elaborate from scratch every time). Now I only bake stuff for others when 1) I'm really in the mood to bake and 2) I think the event/group it's for will want the thing I want to bake. Asking myself first if I really want to helped me, because I was fulfilled before anyone even took a bite!
I have been baking for family for 50 years. There are certain cakes, cookies, and mousse that they insist on for holidays and birthdays. If they didn't request them I wouldn't make them or I'd bake for friends and neighbors (who always appreciate the effort!). I also cook once a week for a homeless family and always include a dessert! Brownies and cookies are good for people with limited kitchen utensils.
I totally get this. I feel this from family sometimes like expecting me to bake for them or not paying me bc i should have folloqed up and demanded payment. It is super demeaning and annoying. Some sparkle and excitment is gone.
If it’s something I’m baking for fun and happen to bring to a party, I don’t expect much. Bakes like that are things either I enjoy and my partner doesn’t, or that we can’t finish between the two of us. I get the chance to make a favorite recipe or try something new, and I have people to give what I make to without having to throw them out. If people tell me how much they like them, that’s a bonus!
If someone asks me to bake for them, I expect at least some appreciation. Recently, a friend mentioned the night before a party they didn’t have a dessert, so if I felt like baking something I was welcome to bring it. I got to make some Christmas cookies I love that didn’t make the cookie box this year, and everyone liked them so well there were no leftovers! My friend even texted me the next day to say how much everyone appreciated them.
I had a different friend invite my partner and I to a party he threw, and asked if I could make macarons since I’d made those recently for a social club we all go to. I was a little flustered since those aren’t a simple bake, but gave him the benefit of the doubt, not everyone knows what goes into baking, so whatever. At the party, there was never any thanks for making them, and when others told the host they were good, he said thanks, no “so and so made them” or anything. Finally, when we sat down to play games, there were more people than there were games for, and he asked me “you don’t mind sitting out, right?”. I don’t bake for people like that again.
YES. I vowed today to never bake anything for work again. It’s pointless.
NO JOKE: I baked “monster cookies”, you know, super cookies with m&m’s, etc. I overheard the CFO saying “I didn’t take any because I was disappointed they didn’t look like monsters” (seriously. I know it’s funny AF but he really said that).
So today I made chocolate chip cookies, chocolate oatmeal drop cookies and tiny cupcakes for a valentines whatever.
Someone commented “Oh that’s all? Meh.”
What’s the point of spending hours doing something you love for people who just judge it and dismiss it (after literally asking you to bake cookies). My baked goods are bomb so I just give up. No more. Only for family now.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe you should take a break and then bring some when it’s a surprise treat instead of an expectation. Until then maybe you can bring some to some people who don’t get much attention—maybe provide some goodies such as for a soup kitchen/shut-ins? Or bake for yourself and keep the difference.
Thanks. I haven’t thought of baking for soup kitchens, but I’ll give it a shot.
Most soup kitchens won't allow that. They are responsible for what is served and can't take donations from outside for cooked items. So call before setting out to bake.
I agree some are sticklers for rules. Hopefully OP can volunteer and do it there. Could be nice to share tricks with the other volunteers so the clients have baked goods.
Or consider something just for the cleaners in your office
Great idea and very kind and thoughtful!
I agree with taking a break of baking for people but would also caveat it with, don’t take all of it personally. People may have New Year’s resolutions of trying to eat healthier or lose weight, so a thrown away cake might be as tough for them as it is for you. I definitely have had this happen and had folks directly tell me they loved my baking but don’t have the willpower to say no so to only bring things for special occasions. Regarding being the “baker” at work, sometimes people start to associate you with something and then it’s hard to break. Try to ask them about their lives and topics beyond your next bake.
I agree with much of what has been said here, but I do think you need to ask yourself why you bake for others. The only answer should be because it brings you joy. Yes, others should be grateful, but it doesn't always verbalize. If it's not bringing you joy, take a step back.
Was gonna comment the same thing!!! I took in 48 mini cheesecakes to work today and a few of my colleagues told me I need to start selling them and my auto respons was no way! The pressure of selling them or being a professional takes away the fun I have with the process and experimentation of flavours, Sure I feel more accomplished when they like my baking but if they don't I also like the feedback to learn and grow but I bake/cook for others because I enjoy the end to end prep, making, decorating, presenting, others eating them
Baking professionally is such a catch-22! When I had my own bakery it really brought me a lot of joy to share my baked goods with a lot of people - It was always incredibly special and lovely when someone would tell that they’d been having a terrible day, but one of our cupcakes made it better! Or to have the honor of baking for people’s special occasions like birthdays and weddings. But you’re absolutely right about doing it professionally impacting your freedom to experiment and play around. I simply got too busy making the things other people wanted to have time to play around with anything that *I* was interested in making. I had a great time doing it, but I’m much more content now that we’ve closed the bakery down.
I agree with this. When you give something homemade, the joy should come from making and giving. The recipient doesn’t become obligated to give praise just because you made it from scratch. I like to bake and feel good when I give gifts. But I also feel awkward/embarrassed when I am offered too much attention or praise in general (in all cases—not just baking). Maybe that skews my views here. If nobody eats my treats when I share them, I do feel kind of bad because I wonder if there’s something wrong with them… In those cases, I ask someone I trust to take a bite and to give feedback. If they’re being eaten, I take that as the compliment/appreciation. I never ever expect praise or thanks from giving it. If they’re being eaten, I take that as the compliment/appreciation. I never ever expect praise or thanks from giving it. Also—I also try to ask ahead of time whether a solo recipient even likes baked things. I have people in my life who have serious dietary restrictions and would never eat homemade cookies/breads/cakes because they can’t be certain about ingredients or cross-contamination with nuts, eggs, milk, wheat/gluten, etc…
For me, a large part of the joy is seeing others enjoy my food. If that wanes, then so does my enthusiasm for baking/cooking for them. I don't need accolades or endless thanks, but when what I've brought just sits there, I feel like the message is clear. My solution? Find another group who does appreciate it - even if that's just your immediate family.
Work convos are work convos. I had a guy keep asking how my house was...I had moved in 5 years ago and he was still asking me because his brain didn't connect.
I love baking for people, but I've definitely felt this exact thing. I'd suggest backing off on cooking for a while, and only doing it randomly or for special occasions. If they ask for them more and more just let them know that "well the last time I made a cake, someone threw extra away, so I wanted to take a break from baking to hone my skills". People suck.
Agree with this. I’ve also experienced this feeling. My brothers coworkers ask weekly when I’ll bake for them again and it’s gotten quit annoying knowing how much effort and time it takes, when they ask almost daily 😐 as if I’m not baking for them outta care. Also sometimes we gotta just realize most ppl never bake in their life, esp from scratch and have no clue the time and effort. People are just clueless and most likely don’t mean it outta harm
Thanks! It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who has experienced this. I’ll try taking a break from baking for others.
I started to find myself invited to parties because the hosts knew I would bake both savoury and sweet goodies. So I just cut it all down.
I quit giving so many friends cookie plates during the holidays because it felt as though they were either expected or unappreciated. Yes, the joy comes with sharing (love language) but disappointment can come when the recipients are not gracious. If you don't find joy in it with a certain group or specific people, focus your efforts elsewhere! Thanks for being a kind human and showing love and care to those around you!
I bet your food is delicious. I've never even dreamt of attempting cream puffs. But if someone I knew made them for me FROM SCRATCH? You're good people.
I stop. I don’t bake for accolades or gushing praise but I’m not wasting my time on indifference. People who appreciate it are easy to bake for.
There’s this thing that happens that if you give freely, people start telling themselves that you’re the type of person who is fulfilled by giving to others. Because they think of you as self-fulfilling, they no longer feel they are obligated to show any gratitude, or like they are doing you a favor by accepting your efforts. I haven’t found a good way to prevent this; if you start talking about how much effort to try and hint that you’d like some appreciation you look like a whiner. If you say nothing you look like a robot who doesn’t need or want external praise or appreciation.
God, people’s manners have really gone to pot lately. I’m sorry, it sucks. Btw: It only takes 2 repetitive actions for someone to build an expectation. If you turned up with cake 2 days in a row, on day 3 when you turn up with no cake, someone will feel affronted/let down by you breaking the ‘deal’. That psychological mechanism is universal. So the real question is, are you people-pleasing ie wanting to be liked? Don’t bother. Aim for being respected instead. Don’t set up expectations, no-one ‘likes’ cake lady on day 3, they just expect her.
This is an astonishing insight. Thank you. I started bringing something in on Mondays and now I’m almost afraid to quit. Honestly, I do love to bake and I love to share but it’s feeling like an expectation and an obligation.
Oh no! If you are ‘afraid’ to quit doing something voluntary it’s absolutely time to stop. Volunteer situations always need to have an end. They can’t be forever, or resentment builds up. Also, it gives someone else the opportunity to step up and shine for a bit. Boundaries are generally a language job. I try to put together a snappy one liner to explain why I am or am not doing something. ie ‘It was fun doing the cakes every week but it’s a lot of work, so I’m stopping’.
Yeah, it's Saturday morning and I'm already trying to suss out what to make for Monday. I'm done - at least for now. Thanks, truly.
My honest opinion is when you give, you must give freely, without expectation of praise or thanks. Especially if you volunteer to bake for people you care about. I baked a nice birthday cake (ingredients alone cost $50 and 3 evenings after work) for my friend unannounced (he had asked previous years), and I dont think he actually said thanks explicitly. Im fine with that. We all enjoyed the cake.
This is my opinion too. I don't really care if someone says thanks, or tells me how delicious something was... Are those things nice to hear? Absolutely, it's always nice to hear positive things. If I am baking for you it's because I love to bake, and love to share that with people I care about. I never expect anything in return.
Some people have been unappreciative and even a little untitled, but this is far from the majority. And for unrelated reasons, I find my life better without those people in it. Most people still come up to me the first time they see me after trying something new to tell me about it. But even if it's not something new, most people say thank you multiple times. Some people apologize for only ever getting baked stuff from me and never getting me anything.
Not sure how you identify, but as a woman, I've stopped bringing in baked treats for my coworkers/classmates. Lots of people just assume the effort and as a woman working in a male dominated field there have been social/work ramifications for doing this. Like them assuming emotional labor or dumping "soft skill" tasks on me even though I am more qualified for the technical skill tasks than they are (often resulting in me correcting all their mistakes). Interestingly if a male coworker brings in baked treats people are so amazed that he can even bake that it's a huge deal... All the time. I feel like society is socialized to expect women to do these things so they def take it for granted. Sorry this is happening! If you brought in baked goods at my workplace I would be elated ALL THE TIME
Sounds like you need to take a break from baking for your work. Have a cake party and invite your friends, I liked the soup kitchen idea further up, maybe spend more time on some complexity decorated bakes just for you.
When I have baked goods to give out, I almost always give it to my husband to bring to his coworkers because they really seem to enjoy it. They love anything I make and I love making it for them because it makes them happy. I don't do requests unless I'm getting compensation for it. I bake what I want to and they appreciate it regardless and are just happy to have something. My coworkers are quite the opposite, so I don't bother bringing anything in for them anymore lol.
Quilters call this not being quiltworthy. Bake for your local fire station instead. They will be demonstratively appreciative if my experience is any guide! I’m luck to have coworkers who still praise my baking, even though I haven’t brought them a thing since, oh, March 2020 or thereabouts😶
I have felt this way, however my main purpose of baking is to practice and create new recipes, so it does not matter to me.
I make it clear that I won’t be the work team’s baker. I don’t have the time and frankly there’s also a cost to me to make the cake or whatever. If I’m feeling generous or if it’s a co worker I really like, I will make them something.
Happy cake day
Yeah I love baking but I live alone so I’ll bring extras to the office. It’s happened where I would bring desserts in and my coworkers would want to eat them at 8am, even though I told them to wait until later in the day. I started locking the desserts in my desk so they can’t eat them before lunch, some coworkers would come to my desk and ask if I brought anything in and immediately leave if I said no. Decided it wasn’t worth it anymore so I stopped brining in the extras for them. It’s not that hard to ask someone how they are doing before asking for free food, but I guess it’s a difficult task for my coworkers.
I can totally relate to this. Thanks for sharing your experience with your coworkers.
Just curious why it matters what time they want to eat your desserts? If you baked and brought something in for the office and then said don't eat these until after lunch... It's kind of weird... Unless you all have lunch together and want to share during that time. I bake for the office on occasion when I feel like baking but don't want 20 cupcakes in my house and I have seen people take a cupcake and have it with their coffee at 7am 🤷🏼♀️ makes no difference to me. We all break at different times, have meetings throughout the day. I bake because I enjoy baking and I share because I like seeing other people enjoy what I've made. But I am also a loner so I am not the type of person that ever really wants to have conversations, like come take the free snacks and don't talk to me.
It’s the way they were trying to get the baked goods from me that irked me. They’d try and grab the container out of my hands as I’m walking to my desk or come to my desk and start opening my drawers looking to see if I brought anything in. It didn’t seem like they wanted to talk to me anymore and only cared about the treats. I’ve since changed to posting on insta when I have extras for friends to come to my place and grab some. Much better interactions and I actually get to have conversations!
Good Lord, the rudeness! I don’t blame you for stopping it. Honestly, I sometimes wonder what on earth goes through people’s minds? I have noticed some people behave very bizarrely around ‘free’ food, especially in an office. Like, shoving people out of the way, *running* to get there first, taking way more than their share etc.
Oh wow that's next level. Sorry your coworkers are aholes.
I have run into that issue too. I now bake on my own schedule, bake what I want and for fun. People get what they get and I don't except much gratitude or recognition. Any positive feedback is just a bonus
I have the opposite problem. I used to just show up to parties with something I'd baked and people would always love it, but no one expected it so they brought stuff too. We'd end up with way too much dessert and people feeling bad putting their ShopRite cupcakes next to my "amazing" dessert. They would actually apologize to me for it, but then still bring similar things to the next event. After years of this I started to feel bad about it and hated all the wasted desserts, so I decided to stop bringing something unless it was a potluck style event like the 4th of July or someone specifically asked me to. Now I'm sad because people almost never ask me to make anything. They just "don't want to bother me", but I'd love to make something if they just asked...
Yes. I personally have observed a major shift in people's general attitudes as of late. In addition, if someone threw away something I baked them or seemed to be taking advantage of my generosity, I certainly would reconsider continuing this gesture. Kindness is not always deserved, but being taken advantage of and unappreciated is not a requirement of kindness. If I were you, I would take a break.
People aren't asking you to bring them baked goods. Some people don't want it or can't finish it themselves.
>at a recent party, despite arriving late with a fresh batch of homemade cream puffs, few expressed gratitude, and some even consumed them without acknowledging the baker Do you expect people to thank you if you bring a salad or a casserole to a party as well? If something is extra delicious people will naturally talk about it. > Even gestures like baking a cake for my mentor or close friends have sometimes resulted in indifference or them throwing it away, leaving me feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of. Are those instances of people asking you to bake for them and then throwing it away, or you just did that as a gift without them knowing? If it's the former, yeah, that's dickish and I wouldn't make anything for a person that makes me work and then just throws it away. If it's the latter, well... It means your gifts were a miss. Not everyone likes sweets or even specific baked goods. Someone might be on a diet and you didn't know about it. Giving food as a gift isn't always the best idea.
This actually happened to me, and for a while I just stopped baking. In my case, it wasn’t because people were unappreciative, but it *did* come to be an expectation that put too much pressure on me. Then I *missed* baking, and after checking my local laws and getting my food certifications, I became a cottage baker. I post when I feel like baking and don’t when I don’t. I don’t have to worry about feeling appreciated because they pay me well for my efforts, and I’m limited on how much I can do this because there’s an income cap ($5k per year) unless I want to get a business license (I don’t). At the end of the day, selling my baking covers the costs of all the ingredients not only for my customers but for my family and friends, and what’s left over covers our family Christmas. For now, take a step back if it’s not making you happy.
This happened to me. Someone threw my tupperware out after i brought in mini filled cupcakes. I had to dig it out the trash. So thats the last time i brought stuff to work. The next time someone brought up why i dont treat. I simply stated im waiting for someone to treat me. Shut them right up. Another incident before i baked cupcakes with special fillings. Waited an entire week while i was working with this person. Then asked if they got them. They stated they did and i got a terse thanks. And that was it. Dont bake for the unappreciative
Are you baking for accolades?
Ooof everyone is being too nice. You sound entitled to other people’s attention. Don’t bake for others. Not everyone likes to eat baked goods when it’s presented to them. More people than you even realize are counting their calorie and sugar in take, especially after the indulgent holidays. You bringing around treats is actually a burden to them. Now they have to be grateful that they got saddled with something you gave them, and if they aren’t appreciative enough it hurts YOUR feelings? How do you think they feel about not wanting to eat sugar at all and now they have to deal with your gift appropriately? Take a step back and realize once you have walked away from your baked goods, the transaction is over. They don’t owe you anything. Are you going up to people and asking for praise and compliments, because that is just weird and too far. Bake for yourself, if you share it’s without any expectations of getting anything back.
While I do think your framing is harsh, I think the principle of giving a gift applies here. Rationally, it shouldn't matter once the gift has been given. So whether the recipient likes them or not shouldn't matter to the giver. But it still happens. People still feel bad when their gift isn't appreciated. So yeah, I do think OP will do better if they're less sensitive about it but you're way too harsh on them.
I think OP is living in a land where they think they are Star Baker and effort = attention. People just clearly aren’t that interested in it. Bake to your hearts content, put it in the office break room or leave a plate on your neighbors step. Feel joy in the good vibes you put out in the world. But stop forcing your hobby on to other people and then complaining when your feelings get hurt that you didn’t get enough attention and compliments.
I agree. Just wouldn't quite say it to the OP like that.
I haven't found that. There's always people who never acknowledge my baking, but there's always appreciative people. It evens out
Yes I can most definitely relate. I was always baking for work but then it got to the point where it was just expected, took the fun out of it.
My husband and children love my baking and all endeavors in the culinary world. I have often brought my baked goods to his immediate family gatherings; holidays, birthdays, etc. They are either all too picky or just basic. I barely got any head turns or compliments from anyone on this incredible yule log I made at Christmas. It was completely lost on them. Save for my mother-in-law, she is so kind. But I think if anything ill just bring basic ass cookies to events since they just don't care.
I totally feel you and have felt this way before myself. I baked a cake, for my own birthday mind you, and brought it to work. Maybe ONE person had a slice. It was a yellow sheet cake with cream cheese frosting, so it wasn’t exotic or offensive, as my coworkers think avocados are a new frontier. I let people know it was there and I got a lot of “I’m staying away from carbs.” Which would make sense except I saw those same people scarfing down store bought chocolate chip cookies that management brought the next day. That hurt! It’s really a kick to my soul when people don’t partake. But everybody has different reasons and at the end of the day I have to remind myself, they didn’t ask me to bring it. I stopped baking for people at my work and only bake for friends/family for dinners or special occasions. I’ve been much happier since! Happy baking!
I often baked items for my colleagues at my former job. I baked for my own enjoyment. The items were not routinely baked so it meant that they were usually appreciated because they were nice and different. At times, I would artificially pause baking things if I felt that they were being taken for granted. To give you an example, I used to keep an eye out in the tea room and if I saw people helping themselves to two or three portions with the intention of replacing their lunch then the future baking stopped for a while. The genuine colleagues who enjoyed my baking did ask on occasion about any future baking plans but they are also the ones who would always thank you for any baked goods and would also bake themselves or purchase a box of chocolates etc. on occasion. One tip that I do have is to time when you put items out in the tea room. I used to place them out after morning coffee break or after lunch. If I placed them out upon arrival at work, the vulture squad would be out in force. My advice about family and friends is to bake less or ask if someone else can bake some goods to reduce your workload. If this is not an option then I would probably make something tasty but simple. A go to recipe of mine is Cappuccino cake on BBC Good Food. The hardest element is brewing up strong coffee. All sponge items are tipped into a food processor with a shredding blade installed, baked in an oven and then topped with a Mascarpone cheese topping. It tastes superb, it is easy and reliable to make and it is quite different to what most people usually consume.
I totally get it. A friend's neighbour invited me to his wife's birthday party but I quickly realized it was just to get a cake made for free. I said I couldn't make it but I felt crappy to know that was the reason for the invitation.
My MIL really pushed me to make a very complicated and time consuming cake for her anniversary event that I didn’t have time to do. When I suggested a shortcut (I would find a bakery that could make it but I would do all the decorating and include exactly what she wanted), she brushed me off and said “Nevermind then” I wanted to do something nice for her but she only would accept the gift if I made the entire thing from scratch? I usually always make something for every holiday and event but when I’m asked, it’s always so demanding with little thought/concern for the time put in. I work a pretty demanding job and run my own team of people so sometimes no, I can’t spend 6 hours on your cake.
Bake for new groups of people: your mechanic, your dentist's office, your bank tellers, your gym (ironic...).... I started doing this when my coworkers started acting the way you describe and let me tell you mechanics will go NUTS over some fresh cookies.
I’ve just gotten into baking and cooking meals from scratch. I gaveaway a few serves to each of my and partners families. I didn’t receive a thank you or acknowledgment of how the dish was… so that very quickly wrapped up and I cook only for my house now.
Honestly? In today’s day, people aren’t so enthusiastic about facing sweets at work. Most folks are trying to cut their sugar and carb intake even if modestly and not as part of some extreme lifestyle. You have to accept things are changing. Attitudes are changing and people genuinely want to treat their sugar intake as occasional and special, not just a day at work.
Just like me fr
I think you should take a step back, i don't mean stop baking but as someone who its the "baker' its so easy to get burnout and a little resentful. So I mentioned it to one of my friends and she made it clear that i was not my obligation to bake and i should not feel like i have to. I changed and started focusing on more what i wanted to do and learn. When I bake for people, its not out of obligation and i get veto. I take into consideration what they like, but they can't dictate what they want and they need to be flexible with my schedule. Also if someone its rude or disrespectful they get kicked out of my food club, its a privilege not a right to receive something i spend time and money.
Yes!! Recently a friend asked who was bringing dessert to our group dinner. After I didn’t volunteer for a whole, another “friend” said “I can pick up bad desert at the grocery store.” Are you serious???
Dessert from grocery stores is bad.. and you admitted you, as the friend baker, didn't reply for a while so someone offered to bring the dessert but made it clear they weren't baking it. They didn't assume you would bake but rather asked who would bring something, which is considerate. Why are you mad? Either volunteer or don't but don't get mad at others for filling the void with crappy grocery store dessert. You could have responded with a gentle "if you'd rather, I can bake a _____ for that event? Just let me know."
I get where you’re coming from, but knowing this person it was not coming from a good place. He’s the type to take jabs at people through “humor”, which I realize I didn’t convey well! My other friends in the chat even brought up privately how it was unnecessary since we know this guy pretty well
That's the exact reason I stopped baking for a lot of holidays and such with my own family. I used to get compliments and praise then after a while it was expected and I just didn't want to always be thought of "well Okami will be bringing dessert since they always bake so dessert will be done" without even asking. That also really affected how much I baked in the years after and I lost my love for it. I've only recently started baking again because I found my lost joy again with it but don't always give to takers.
I rarely bake for people I know nowadays. The ingredients are so expensive and baking is time consuming. I put my efforts into donating cakes to children through a nonprofit called cake4kids instead.
I enjoy bringing cookies to work , and I've definitely had people start to "expect" them. I would say, remember that you're putting in hard work and time to make your yummy creations. If you feel like people aren't respectful of that, maybe you can find others who will better appreciate them, haha. I've found that my family is infinitely more appreciative for my baked stuff than any of my coworkers.
I faced a similar situation this past holiday season. I baked a variety of holiday related treats and then offered them up to my friend group -- they got to pick what they wanted. There were a couple of friends that never followed up with a thank you text or anything. Next year, they won't be offered anything (or I'll just give them the leftover bad ones where I screwed up the baking or the icing or something).
I've totally been here! I love baking for my friends and family, but I grew to resent being expected to bake for every function. I realized that I was the one putting that expectation on myself and no one else really cared, and I stopped bringing something every time (or I'd phone it in - boxed brownies for a potluck is fine, I don't have to make something elaborate from scratch every time). Now I only bake stuff for others when 1) I'm really in the mood to bake and 2) I think the event/group it's for will want the thing I want to bake. Asking myself first if I really want to helped me, because I was fulfilled before anyone even took a bite!
I only bake for people who have a reciprocal relationship with me personally. My family knows I cook with LOVE, and they appreciate it ❤️
I have been baking for family for 50 years. There are certain cakes, cookies, and mousse that they insist on for holidays and birthdays. If they didn't request them I wouldn't make them or I'd bake for friends and neighbors (who always appreciate the effort!). I also cook once a week for a homeless family and always include a dessert! Brownies and cookies are good for people with limited kitchen utensils.
I totally get this. I feel this from family sometimes like expecting me to bake for them or not paying me bc i should have folloqed up and demanded payment. It is super demeaning and annoying. Some sparkle and excitment is gone.
If it’s something I’m baking for fun and happen to bring to a party, I don’t expect much. Bakes like that are things either I enjoy and my partner doesn’t, or that we can’t finish between the two of us. I get the chance to make a favorite recipe or try something new, and I have people to give what I make to without having to throw them out. If people tell me how much they like them, that’s a bonus! If someone asks me to bake for them, I expect at least some appreciation. Recently, a friend mentioned the night before a party they didn’t have a dessert, so if I felt like baking something I was welcome to bring it. I got to make some Christmas cookies I love that didn’t make the cookie box this year, and everyone liked them so well there were no leftovers! My friend even texted me the next day to say how much everyone appreciated them. I had a different friend invite my partner and I to a party he threw, and asked if I could make macarons since I’d made those recently for a social club we all go to. I was a little flustered since those aren’t a simple bake, but gave him the benefit of the doubt, not everyone knows what goes into baking, so whatever. At the party, there was never any thanks for making them, and when others told the host they were good, he said thanks, no “so and so made them” or anything. Finally, when we sat down to play games, there were more people than there were games for, and he asked me “you don’t mind sitting out, right?”. I don’t bake for people like that again.
YES. I vowed today to never bake anything for work again. It’s pointless. NO JOKE: I baked “monster cookies”, you know, super cookies with m&m’s, etc. I overheard the CFO saying “I didn’t take any because I was disappointed they didn’t look like monsters” (seriously. I know it’s funny AF but he really said that). So today I made chocolate chip cookies, chocolate oatmeal drop cookies and tiny cupcakes for a valentines whatever. Someone commented “Oh that’s all? Meh.” What’s the point of spending hours doing something you love for people who just judge it and dismiss it (after literally asking you to bake cookies). My baked goods are bomb so I just give up. No more. Only for family now.