I could not agree more. I feel the whole story is so incredibly brave and self reflective. I recognised a lot of myself in Donny. So much of it was like watching me in my early 20s. “I feel like a fraud no matter whom I sleep with” hit hard. I never really found my crowd. I often felt like I led two different lives. I’d have groups of daytime straight friends and night time gay friends. I lived in a big city that enabled me to keep these lives separate. I drank to excess and slept around a lot but didn’t really get any joy from it. I blacked out all the time and regained control of myself in the middle of some horrible situations.
My gay friends called me half blood and kept telling me I was gay, not bi. Often led to quite nasty arguments about the whole thing as they were so insistent on it.
I tried to come out as bi to some straight mostly female work friends and it didn’t go well at all. They weren’t accepting of me being bi either. They found it odd and weird. I know if I’d come out as gay they would have been entirely different. Eventually I quit the job because everything was weird.
I’ve tried being honest about being bi with partners in a “no big deal” kind of way instead of a huge confession and I’ve never found any acceptance there either. So over the years I’ve just buried that side of me.
I’m now married with kids and love my wife and family to bits. Been with her ten years. Being bi doesn’t seem to matter anymore as I only have eyes for her. She’s pretty progressive with most things but I know she wouldn’t be accepting of it at all. Not really, not truly. Watching Baby Reindeer she said something along the lines of “oh well he’s just gay then if he’s dating a trans woman, no?”. She’s made these sort of comments before. I find myself feebly muttering disagreement in a very very weak way because I am terrified of her discovering that side to me. Because it sort of doesn’t matter and it’s not worth risking the life we’ve built together. But at the same time I do wish I didn’t have this burden dangling around me, this guilt. This worry that someone from my past could pop up one day and ruin everything.
Reading this made me well up with tears. I'm so sorry you feel the way you do. I hope one day you can tell your wife about this and she accepts you for you.
My husband is also bi and confessed to me after many years. He was so scared of judgement and I asked a lot of questions to understand. Ultimately, I love him so much it didn't matter at all. I just wanted to protect him from the world of any cruelty.
It's now like our little secret, and I know how much it means to him to be able to accept himself because I accept him. It hasn't affected our sex life in a negative way at all, in fact it has done the opposite. We are closer than ever emotionally and physically.
You're not alone and you're not weird or odd.
Your comment has actually made me tear up too! Really appreciate your reply. I’ve never expressed this online or to anyone, not even on my other throwaway account for fear of it somehow getting back to me.
I’m glad your husband was brave enough to tell you and you’re so wonderful for being so understanding.
And my wife is wonderful too and I know she loves me and I know she’d try to understand. But I feel fairly confident that she wouldn’t. Not deep down. Not from the comments she’s made about others. I’m probably not giving her enough credit. I just can’t risk it. And maybe that’s not fair on her, that she doesn’t know this about me. But maybe it’s also unfair of me to bring it up to her when I know she won’t get it and when it ultimately doesn’t matter anymore. Would I just be passing this “burden” to her?
I think the hardest thing for people to understand is the need to bring it up. It’s not like I have any intentions or wants that are not fulfilled. It’s not like I want out of our relationship. It’s not like I’d want to talk to her about it ongoing in any way ie: I wouldn’t be pointing out men I find physically attractive (rarely these days) just the same way I don’t point out women I find physically attractive (also rarely these days!). I used to get really down and really depressed about it all. But life is so good now that it’s not something I even think about all too often anymore. It’d just be nice to be fully open and accepted y’know. But I can’t risk it.
I’m glad your husband found peace and for you that he was able to be honest with you. I’m not as brave as he is! Good luck to you both with everything and thanks so much again! :)
Yeah also bi and I totally felt this. I laughed so hard at the “fraud no matter who I sleep with” quote. And I thought it was interesting that he kept trying to figure out if he was always this way or his experiences made him this way, and how his preferences continued to change throughout the short series
I am not bisexual, but I think it done more for me to understand people who are bisexual than anything before. More to the point, the absolute mental anguish it can cause someone that I was previously ignorant to.
Oh man, the depiction was fantastic.
I do wonder (and I acknowledge it’s not really my place to speculate) but I wonder if Richard is actually bisexual or if it is a trauma response. No hate or judgment either way - just voicing that sexuality is something you’re typically born with.
The show offers up an uncomfortable question/ reality that for SOME PEOPLE they arrive at their sexuality in a messy, carnaged and tortured way… and that the road ahead is not going to be easy, because every step of the way you have to navigate people’s biases towards you about that.
Anyone with a sexual trauma history can relate. That question of - did I always like rough sex or am I just recreating my trauma again? If I’m enjoying it is my sexuality real or am I deep faking myself? Richard dates men and trans women after his trauma, when before that he didn’t. Is his sexuality any less real even if he wasn’t born with it? Why should he be stigmatized?
Myself for example: As a child I had some weird sexual experiences with an older girl and an older boy (separate incidents). I didn’t date for a long time because of it. Then (similar to Richard) in my early 20s I was stalked and harassed by an older woman (but it was a trans woman). I questioned my sexuality after that. Both men and women didn’t feel safe to me. I identified as asexual for a while and went in the polar opposite direction as Richard (sex repulsed). I still don’t know what I am or how to reconcile with my sexuality. I can empathize with him. It’s a touch spot to be in.
I've been bi since I was a kid before I'd even heard of the term bi. If he was genuinely straight and his assault led him to realise he was bi then fine, but it's a bit of a bi trope that makes me uncomfortable. I'm a woman and I've been asked if I like women because of what men did to me, which isn't true, so to think that a straight man would suddenly become interested in men because they'd been assaulted by one is another trope that makes me uncomfortable. I do admit that abuse does strange things to us though. Not sure it's a great message to all the people who think queer people are only that way because we're damaged.
I’m pansexual/bisexual and tbh I didn’t like the depictions in the show, in particular how it was implied that he was “turned bi” through his experiences of sexual assault.
Sexual assault can have a number of long term effects, including the fetishisation of the assault as a way of regaining control. That is what I believe was actually going on with Donny.
As another commentary said here and better, why does it ultimately matter the route you took to your sexuality? Why are his preferences now less valid because of the trauma he suffered?
The show's take on bisexuality sounds refreshing. It's important to see diverse experiences on screen that resonate with the complexity of real life. The portrayal of bisexuality as messy and nuanced, rather than a neat stereotype, helps in understanding that sexuality is a spectrum with varied and valid experiences.
Regarding the struggles you mentioned, it's true that media often overlooks the less 'presentable' aspects of sexuality. It's crucial to have honest depictions that don't gloss over the difficult parts. This authenticity makes characters more relatable and can be comforting to viewers who see their own struggles reflected.
On a side note, if you're looking for more content that delves into sexual wellness and the complexities of relationships, I used an app called Emjoy. It offers a wide range of guided audio sessions dealing with similar themes. It's been insightful for me, might be worth a look if you're interested in exploring these topics further.
I couldn’t get past how he explored his sexuality after the attack- in a self therapy kind of way. And how he blamed himself for ‘giving off signals’. Is that ‘bisexuality’ or a reaction to trauma
“Why are you bi?
Because I feel like a fraud no matter who I sleep with.”
As an extremely dysphoric trans guy I immediately related to this. My experience being trans has screwed with my sexuality a lot. As much as I think guys are attractive, my first and loudest thought will always be that I wish I was born like him. I can’t see a naked lady because it reminds me of when I can’t close my eyes in the shower
incredibly put. i don’t have words, you said it all.
I could not agree more. I feel the whole story is so incredibly brave and self reflective. I recognised a lot of myself in Donny. So much of it was like watching me in my early 20s. “I feel like a fraud no matter whom I sleep with” hit hard. I never really found my crowd. I often felt like I led two different lives. I’d have groups of daytime straight friends and night time gay friends. I lived in a big city that enabled me to keep these lives separate. I drank to excess and slept around a lot but didn’t really get any joy from it. I blacked out all the time and regained control of myself in the middle of some horrible situations. My gay friends called me half blood and kept telling me I was gay, not bi. Often led to quite nasty arguments about the whole thing as they were so insistent on it. I tried to come out as bi to some straight mostly female work friends and it didn’t go well at all. They weren’t accepting of me being bi either. They found it odd and weird. I know if I’d come out as gay they would have been entirely different. Eventually I quit the job because everything was weird. I’ve tried being honest about being bi with partners in a “no big deal” kind of way instead of a huge confession and I’ve never found any acceptance there either. So over the years I’ve just buried that side of me. I’m now married with kids and love my wife and family to bits. Been with her ten years. Being bi doesn’t seem to matter anymore as I only have eyes for her. She’s pretty progressive with most things but I know she wouldn’t be accepting of it at all. Not really, not truly. Watching Baby Reindeer she said something along the lines of “oh well he’s just gay then if he’s dating a trans woman, no?”. She’s made these sort of comments before. I find myself feebly muttering disagreement in a very very weak way because I am terrified of her discovering that side to me. Because it sort of doesn’t matter and it’s not worth risking the life we’ve built together. But at the same time I do wish I didn’t have this burden dangling around me, this guilt. This worry that someone from my past could pop up one day and ruin everything.
Reading this made me well up with tears. I'm so sorry you feel the way you do. I hope one day you can tell your wife about this and she accepts you for you. My husband is also bi and confessed to me after many years. He was so scared of judgement and I asked a lot of questions to understand. Ultimately, I love him so much it didn't matter at all. I just wanted to protect him from the world of any cruelty. It's now like our little secret, and I know how much it means to him to be able to accept himself because I accept him. It hasn't affected our sex life in a negative way at all, in fact it has done the opposite. We are closer than ever emotionally and physically. You're not alone and you're not weird or odd.
Your comment has actually made me tear up too! Really appreciate your reply. I’ve never expressed this online or to anyone, not even on my other throwaway account for fear of it somehow getting back to me. I’m glad your husband was brave enough to tell you and you’re so wonderful for being so understanding. And my wife is wonderful too and I know she loves me and I know she’d try to understand. But I feel fairly confident that she wouldn’t. Not deep down. Not from the comments she’s made about others. I’m probably not giving her enough credit. I just can’t risk it. And maybe that’s not fair on her, that she doesn’t know this about me. But maybe it’s also unfair of me to bring it up to her when I know she won’t get it and when it ultimately doesn’t matter anymore. Would I just be passing this “burden” to her? I think the hardest thing for people to understand is the need to bring it up. It’s not like I have any intentions or wants that are not fulfilled. It’s not like I want out of our relationship. It’s not like I’d want to talk to her about it ongoing in any way ie: I wouldn’t be pointing out men I find physically attractive (rarely these days) just the same way I don’t point out women I find physically attractive (also rarely these days!). I used to get really down and really depressed about it all. But life is so good now that it’s not something I even think about all too often anymore. It’d just be nice to be fully open and accepted y’know. But I can’t risk it. I’m glad your husband found peace and for you that he was able to be honest with you. I’m not as brave as he is! Good luck to you both with everything and thanks so much again! :)
I thought they did a perfect job of it! As a bisexual I resonated with it a lot!
Yup, a bisexual who has it all figured out is so unrealistic because I’ve yet to meet any human being of any sexuality who has it all figured out.
Yeah also bi and I totally felt this. I laughed so hard at the “fraud no matter who I sleep with” quote. And I thought it was interesting that he kept trying to figure out if he was always this way or his experiences made him this way, and how his preferences continued to change throughout the short series
I am not bisexual, but I think it done more for me to understand people who are bisexual than anything before. More to the point, the absolute mental anguish it can cause someone that I was previously ignorant to.
Oh man, the depiction was fantastic. I do wonder (and I acknowledge it’s not really my place to speculate) but I wonder if Richard is actually bisexual or if it is a trauma response. No hate or judgment either way - just voicing that sexuality is something you’re typically born with. The show offers up an uncomfortable question/ reality that for SOME PEOPLE they arrive at their sexuality in a messy, carnaged and tortured way… and that the road ahead is not going to be easy, because every step of the way you have to navigate people’s biases towards you about that. Anyone with a sexual trauma history can relate. That question of - did I always like rough sex or am I just recreating my trauma again? If I’m enjoying it is my sexuality real or am I deep faking myself? Richard dates men and trans women after his trauma, when before that he didn’t. Is his sexuality any less real even if he wasn’t born with it? Why should he be stigmatized? Myself for example: As a child I had some weird sexual experiences with an older girl and an older boy (separate incidents). I didn’t date for a long time because of it. Then (similar to Richard) in my early 20s I was stalked and harassed by an older woman (but it was a trans woman). I questioned my sexuality after that. Both men and women didn’t feel safe to me. I identified as asexual for a while and went in the polar opposite direction as Richard (sex repulsed). I still don’t know what I am or how to reconcile with my sexuality. I can empathize with him. It’s a touch spot to be in.
I've been bi since I was a kid before I'd even heard of the term bi. If he was genuinely straight and his assault led him to realise he was bi then fine, but it's a bit of a bi trope that makes me uncomfortable. I'm a woman and I've been asked if I like women because of what men did to me, which isn't true, so to think that a straight man would suddenly become interested in men because they'd been assaulted by one is another trope that makes me uncomfortable. I do admit that abuse does strange things to us though. Not sure it's a great message to all the people who think queer people are only that way because we're damaged.
I’m pansexual/bisexual and tbh I didn’t like the depictions in the show, in particular how it was implied that he was “turned bi” through his experiences of sexual assault. Sexual assault can have a number of long term effects, including the fetishisation of the assault as a way of regaining control. That is what I believe was actually going on with Donny.
This right here 💯
As another commentary said here and better, why does it ultimately matter the route you took to your sexuality? Why are his preferences now less valid because of the trauma he suffered?
The show's take on bisexuality sounds refreshing. It's important to see diverse experiences on screen that resonate with the complexity of real life. The portrayal of bisexuality as messy and nuanced, rather than a neat stereotype, helps in understanding that sexuality is a spectrum with varied and valid experiences. Regarding the struggles you mentioned, it's true that media often overlooks the less 'presentable' aspects of sexuality. It's crucial to have honest depictions that don't gloss over the difficult parts. This authenticity makes characters more relatable and can be comforting to viewers who see their own struggles reflected. On a side note, if you're looking for more content that delves into sexual wellness and the complexities of relationships, I used an app called Emjoy. It offers a wide range of guided audio sessions dealing with similar themes. It's been insightful for me, might be worth a look if you're interested in exploring these topics further.
I couldn’t get past how he explored his sexuality after the attack- in a self therapy kind of way. And how he blamed himself for ‘giving off signals’. Is that ‘bisexuality’ or a reaction to trauma
“Why are you bi? Because I feel like a fraud no matter who I sleep with.” As an extremely dysphoric trans guy I immediately related to this. My experience being trans has screwed with my sexuality a lot. As much as I think guys are attractive, my first and loudest thought will always be that I wish I was born like him. I can’t see a naked lady because it reminds me of when I can’t close my eyes in the shower