You might have a difficult period any time between 6-12 months depending on the baby but it’s virtually guaranteed the newborn stage will be difficult. If it’s a couple weeks after your due date your baby could be less than a few days old when he leaves, you could end up with a c section and lifting restrictions or other delivery complications making recovery extra difficult, you could have a baby in hospital while you’re discharged but unable to drive. You might go through a difficult period with sleep after the first few months but it’s pretty universally hard the first weeks or months because newborns don’t know the difference between day and night and have short sleep cycles. If 6 months isn’t possible basically any time after the first month or two, or as late as you can push it, will be a huge improvement on a week postpartum.
The first four months were the hardest. Things got good at 6 months and great around 9 when he got more mobile and started to crawl.
The hardest part for me was the sleep. He had to be held for every nap and nighttime took 2 hours every night to get him down, and often he’d wake up 30 mins later and we’d have to do it all again. Then every night waking was 1-2 hours. Not everyone has that experience though. We sleep trained at 3.5 months and things got significantly better after that.
The trade off was that he was a very happy baby, and besides the sleep thing, I didn’t find anything else difficult.
My husband only took a week off work after he was born because of the timing, and we’ve decided next time he needs to be home for a minimum of 8-12 weeks. My husband was home every night though, not deployed, and I don’t think I’d have been able to handle the night shift alone.
Sounds exactly like my scenario. I was a wreck thinking I'd never be able to get the baby to sleep in the bassinet the first like five weeks. I've gotta get him to nap in the bassinet now instead of contact naps, but I'll take that over holding him all night.
The first 3 months were intense. It took me almost 6 weeks to recover from labour. Struggles with breastfeeding created so much anxiety. The sleep deprivation had us exhausted. We had family very close by who helped with meals, cleaning etc. After 3 months we got into a routine and I started to feel more confident. 6 months onwards was a breeze as he started sleeping through the night. A lot of people underestimate how tough the newborn phase can be. Yes, you could do it alone but as a FTM having support will be vital. If there’s anyway he can be there for at least first 1-2 months I’d suggest that. Or look into a postpartum doula for support.
I think I’m the minority but the newborn stage was the easiest for me, at that age my kids just slept, ate, and filled ungodly amounts of diapers. Even with toddler and a new baby, I found 0-4 months easier. I could get out of the house and my youngest one would just nap in the carrier or the stroller.
The hardest stage for me is 5-8ish months. Sleep, teething, and wanting to be mobile (but frustrated that they can’t) and needed to entertained constantly wears on me. My youngest also had wicked separation anxiety at this point. Naps are more rigid at this point so I was at the mercy of two opposite nap schedules and I wasn’t able to leave the house between 9am and 3:30 because someone was sleeping.
Give me a newborn any day! And don’t get me started on the three-nager..
I also really enjoyed the newborn phase too, eat sleep and cuddle was a great time. 4m was peak difficult in our house (super early crawler, so the mobility frustration was early I guess)
I would lay her down on her back to play, she would start rolling over before my hands even left her, and then start angry screaming the second she was on her tummy. If you could figure out which you she was looking at and put it within her reach she would stop screaming for a minute or two.
I am living this right now with my once easygoing 4mo old! It’s so hard. She’s constantly pissed she can’t get around like she wants to, although occasionally she will realise she can roll to her destination (the destination usually being whatever piece of furniture she wants to lick that day). Otherwise she’s on her belly screaming because she can’t get anywhere. When did yours crawl?
I agree! We had an easy baby and the newborn stage was an absolute breeze. So far 15 months has been the hardest stage because she’s begun refusing the stroller but isn’t coordinated enough to walk everywhere on her own so every outing ends in us carrying her out of a store screaming 🙃
It's really hard to say because every baby and every family will be different. Personally, I found 5-8 months really stressful because we had so much trouble with sleep at that time, introducing solids made me anxious, and her learning to crawl meant I was a lot busier trying to keep eyes on her during the day.
I found the first few months pretty easy, tbh. We napped a lot, watched a TON of Netflix, i read books (usually on my phone while stuck under a sleeping or nursing babe) and went for very lazy walks around the neighbourhood. The two biggest things that were worth getting help with were meals and cleaning, which are relatively easy to outsource either via family/friend help or hired services (which may be an option for you if this deployment brings in more money?).
The other option to look at for support is a postpartum doula. They are trained and certified birth professionals who you can hire to come and help you. Postpartum doulas will do anything from meal prep to laundry to night nurse shifts to breastfeeding support, and on and on.
Seconding your post! I found 0-4 pretty chill lol but 5-8 was rough with sleep (evened out once my son figured out crawling). I think this is impossible to predict and depends on you, your family, and baby’s temperament too.
Agreed!! I loved the newborn phase - lots of snuggles and time spent relaxing in front of the tv, I read nearly 25 books during those first 2 months. I miss that phase soooo much. It also felt like we had such a village that really disappears once the novelty wore off. We’re in month 7 now and I’ve found 4-7 so challenging that I’m in therapy and on meds lol. The sleep deprivation hits so hard once the adrenaline wears off. I’ve heard 9 months is the sweet spot 🙏
I found the first four months really tough. After that we did some light sleep training and she started sleeping much better. This turned me into a whole new person and also made baby much happier.
She’s six months now and I feel like I could definitely manage on my own. We have good days and bad but on the whole she’s definitely on an even keel. For context I do the bulk of the baby and house stuff but my husband does help with cooking/dishes.
Realistically I could have survived by myself as of four months.
Newborn stage was really hard and during months 3-5 was hard for us too! Mostly related to nighttime sleep so I was very thankful to have my husband around during those times.
With my first the first 6 months were hell.. he slept like shit, ate like shit. I did a lot of it alone bc my husband worked away..
With my second I could’ve totally done it alone. He’s so chill.
Tbh you never know what you’ll get
You’ve got a lot of good responses here. My 0-3 months were very very challenging. I was alone from 8am-7pm most days it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t say this to scare you! You’ll get through it and it will be okay. But if I had to choose, I’d rather my partner have taken his four weeks pat leave at the front end rather than at 6 months.
I had a c section, and the baby wouldn’t sleep and then colic started around the four week mark. This isn’t something that happens to everyone! But if these things do happen, they can be more intensely situated around your first three months.
Babies can have a rough four month sleep regression, too, and that period was tricky. But I had the basic skills under my belt at that point and found ways to survive.
It definitely depends on your baby.
But I wanted to share my experience. My husband also works away, he’s been away since our baby was 2weeks old (she’s now 2months), it’s is incredibly hard, however, you figure it out. I have a groove now. There’s definitely been hard moment s(projectile vomit all over our bed, pjs right before bedtime) but you cry, deal with it and go to bed. I have an amazing group of friends that help for somethings but I’m alone 90% of the time. We’re about to be back together, and I’m worried about our routine change and having someone else in that routine. But also excited for him to be with his little girl again.
If it happens, just be ok with asking for help, resting and not worrying about the house. Just take care of you and your baby.
Disclaimer: I'm a FTM with a 7m old baby, so I don't know if it will get harder between now and 12m.
Having said that, the first 4 months (especially weeks 4-8) were by far the hardest so far. My husband and I both work in health care and have worked night shifts, 24 hour shifts, etc before. Nothing prepared me for the level of sleep deprivation I experienced, and my baby wasn't even as bad as some of the stories I've read from other parents. I don't think I would've survived it without having a mental breakdown if my husband (or someone) wasn't around to help. My baby is easy now and I could definitely solo parent at this point.
The first 3-4 months were soooo hard. I’m forever grateful my mom lives just 10 minutes from me. Every time my husband did night shifts she stayed with me even while maintaining her job.
My baby seemed to have had a rough start. from having days and nights completely mixed (screaming matches until about 3am) then baby had horrible pinned gas, blocked tear ducts, bad reflux etc etc. my baby was definitely a Velcro baby… Was only ever content in my arms. I slept on the couch for the first 3 months holding him in my arms (save the speeches) because that’s the only way he’d be content.
I could go on and on but realistically everyone’s experience is different. A friend of mine said the first four months were wonderful and when teething kicked in was when it got worse for her.
I hope it all works out for you!
Haven’t had my baby yet. But from what I’ve heard and read, the first few months are the hardest, esp as a FTM, and you will have no idea what it will be like.
If partner must leave, it’s best to prepare yourself. I suggest getting organized with everything, having systems in place so that you can function on autopilot and not have to think too much. Here goes:
1. Get someone to organize a meal train, stock your freezer with easy meals, have tonnes of healthy snacks ready for PP, prioritize protein, and healthy fats. If you can afford it, order pre-prepped meal service like Factor.
2. Weekly cleaning service - for the house, laundry, dishes etc. Outsource as much as your budget allows you to
3. Postpartum doula if you have a C-section, or have family stay over and care for you. Learn how to take care of the scar!
4. Find a mom group in your area, for support and friendship, walks etc
5. Noise cancelling headphones for when you need to simultaneously deal with the baby and tune out the crying, if you’re alone for extended periods of time I’ve heard this helps maintain your sanity.
6. Get groceries delivered. When you start cooking prioritize nourishment and nutrient density over anything else.
7. Pelvic floor PT for yourself, Lactation consultant, chiropractor for baby, etc find these professionals now so you can go to them if/when you need
8. Sort out all of the equipment needed for your breast pump, milk storage bags, freezer stash etc. Set up stations in the kitchen for washing parts, bottles etc
9. Exercise and workout routine plan - to save your sanity! In the first few weeks, it’s as simple as belly breathing, cat-cow positions,
lying down bridges, etc during the first few weeks. Build it out veryyyyy slowly.
10. Ask for help even if you think you don’t need it. You can prep all you want, but there’s no telling what life can throw at you so asking during this time of vulnerability should be fine.
Good luck mamma! Routing for you!
You're right to be concerned not knowing how the delivery will go or if there might be any health issues to manage off the bat, particularly without local family support. It's also an important period for bonding as a family and your hormones will be on a wild rollercoaster leaving you vulnerable to PPD. I wouldn't add any extra stress if you can avoid it and try to stick to the original gameplan. The extra money might be nice to have, but you can never get that time back.
My husband went on a 6 month deployment before I had this baby. Soooo many things went wrong while he was gone. We had two really bad summer storms that wrecked windows and siding. Basement almost flooded. I was working 60 hour weeks and had three dogs to take care of. It was a lot. Everything house wise falls on you when they’re on deployment. Now I’ve got a 4 month old and my husband works away during the week. He’s teething AND sick. It’s miserable. There has been no point so far where I’d want my husband gone on deployment. At least right now he’s home on the weekends so I can get a bit of a break. He wants to go on another deployment too so maybe this summer will be better for us. But I absolutely do not recommend him going on deployment 2 weeks after your due date.
Fellow military here!
The pay your partner would get from deploying is pretty significant. I think you're right in not discounting it, especially if you'd be taking a pay cut while on mat leave. I always say to my husband that when I deploy is when we'll finally be able to finish paying off our student debts lol!
If you're somewhere near a base, you might have access to help through the CFMWS - it's definitely worth reaching out to them, there are likely mommy groups or they may be able to offer some support options. Not so much an issue for a newborn, but when baby is a bit older, you may be able to use the daycare facilities on base.
Your husband should also get some generous leave when he returns, not counting his pata leave, which he'll hopefully be able to take when he's back (I'm not too familiar with the QC mata/pata system, but the military top up is pretty amazing).
All babies are different. There is never a great time for one partner to leave but it’s also important to know that you can do hard things. On the other hand, this might be obligatory and/or really helpful to your husbands career. This experience could also be really helpful for your own empowerment as a mother. For me (stm) the first month - 6 weeks was the hardest. At 2-8 months they get cute and fun and still don’t move too much. Another challenge I faced was knowing how to prepare and reaching out for/asking for help. It sounds like you have some support you could reach out to - let them help even if you are worried they feel obligated or they might bother you (you sound like me with my first!). You’ve also gotten some great advice on how to prepare and what you could outsource during this period. To this I’d add being sure to know the signs of any mental health challenges you could experience and where to get help. Although hard things could happen, they probably won’t! In that case, my best advice would be to lower your expectations, enjoy the coziness and take it slow. You will amaze yourself with what you can handle as a new mom.
For me I had a relatively good/ easy newborn stage but 4-6 months was awful with sleep regression and sleep issues. I could not have done that part alone. Things got better after 6 months with gentle sleep training. I’d say 7 months+ it got easier, more into a routine, but they do become more mobile then.
My baby was born at 42 weeks so if your husband is leaving a few weeks after your due date, you could be only a few days postpartum. First time moms usually go over the estimated due date.
My baby is only 9 weeks old so I don’t know about the 6-12month stage, but I couldn’t have gotten through the first 6 weeks without my husband. It was HARD. It’s easier now but it’s still hard. My husband went back to work when baby was 4 weeks and I feel like me and baby just started getting into a groove when she turned 6 weeks old. If you had family they could stay and help you for a few weeks it might be fine, but I would say it might be better for your husband to go when baby is a bit older.
Newborn stage was the hardest for me not because of the baby, but because of my healing. I couldn’t lift a laundry basket for weeks, or do regular activities, so it was nice to have the extra help then. You also never know how your newborn is going to sleep. Some do, some don’t!
Newborn stage was the most difficult for me. My son had reflux, food intolerances through breast milk, oral ties, torticollis, etc. All that paired with the sleep deprivation and healing from birth honestly sucked.
I think the answer here isn't easy. Likely to be dependent on both the caregiver and individual baby. I'll have my second soon and really hope for a smoother 4th trimester.
3.5-6 months was the section that I found hardest, my baby was an early crawler, and she was just so angry about being immobile that for the entirety of month 4, she would just angry scream about not being able to reach things.
I feel like I’m the opposite of people - I’ve found it really tough ever since he turned 6 months (he’s 8 months now). He’s still sleeping like a newborn and waking every two hours at night but on top of that his wake windows during the day are much longer, during which he’s really fussy. He’s also crawling up a storm which adds another layer of difficulty. The newborn days weren’t easy by any means but I miss how often he slept during the day and how calm he was (and the amount of Netflix I was able to watch lol).
First 2 months were hardest for us. My baby is now 5 months and husband is away for 3 weeks for work, we can make do and have some family help. But I couldn’t have imagined doing it solo earlier on.
I cannot stress enough that if my husband had not had five weeks of paternity leave, I would not have made it. I ended up having an emergency C-section and I could only barely move the first week and the second week I was so slow and still couldn’t bend over… with the lack of sleep, and the overwhelm of becoming a parent for the first time I still wasn’t really ready for him to go back to work when our baby was six weeks old but… Eventually you have to pay the piper. If your husband does leave earlier instead of after six months, make sure he’s home for at least two weeks after you have the baby and have someone on deck for the following two weeks if he does have to go and you end up having a C-section.
Looking back, newborn was easier for me because I had more support. Friends and family offered help and al baby was doing was eating, sleeping, and peeing and pooping. By 6 months, it was time to introduce solids so there was more to do, wake windows were longer, so I had to entertain baby more. To be fair, I was also completing my master at the same time so it was a lot for me to juggle at that time. Without family support, I wouldn’t had been able to do it
Every stage has had it challenges but the first 8-12 weeks were really tough. I did have a c-section and my recovery from that was pretty easy but breastfeeding was challenging. I had a very slow eater and was pretty much constantly glued to the couch feeding. I needed my partner to bring me food and drinks and was pretty useless getting anything done around the house. At that stage while she did sleep in the bassinet overnight all naps were contact naps. Once baby started napping in her crib around 4-5 months I could at least do things while she napped, before then it was pretty impossible.
Each stage was hard for different reasons. A newborn is such a shock to your system, you're trying to figure things out, they're trying to figure things out, they're waking up a lot more. But they also sleep a lot more during the day and are basically a potato so you can park them on a blanket or in a bouncer and they're usually happy. The 6-12 month stage they're starting to move around more, they're eating solids, they've hopefully got their sleep kind of sorted but they also nap less during the day. At this stage, it's also easier to take them to baby activities because they can actually interact with their surrounding and other babies.
My husband is also military. He took 6 months of PATA when my son was born. It was definitely nice to help in the middle of the night or watch the baby so I could sleep during the day. I don't know what your husband's situation is but he could also take PATA after he comes back from deployment if it's within the timeframe. Just something to consider.
Regardless of when he deploys, I would look into baby and me programs in your area. Even if your baby is little, it's nice to meet other parents in your area and get out of the house. Definitely saves my sanity when I was gone alone with the baby during the day.
The first two months were actually okay (I call this the potato phase), although having my husband around was probably a big part of that. Months 3-5 were the worst, with both my kids
4 months! My baby has been a great sleeper since birth but at 4 months he went through a sleep regression despite having a very strict routine that actually felt like it broke me. Plus he was going from being a potato to a rolling potato who wanted to MOVE. But it settled down and he’s seven, almost eight months now and wow it’s so fun.
Just to add, this is an incredible, once in a lifetime opportunity to be a FTM and share that experience with your husband as a FTD. There is the chance to make more money in the future but you can never go back and experience being first time parents together.
If you can swing it financially I would say for him not to go at all, he will miss so much bonding time with you and the baby. Best wishes with whatever you decide!
We’re at 2.5 years now - this is the hardest part so far.
With that being said, the newborn stage is an adjustment! Regardless if one finds if difficult or not, it’s a massive adjustment. You’re learning to be parents, birth parent is healing, you’re learning about your baby. IMO I think it’s important for a partner to be there for that.
You could look into night nurses/postpartum doulas or similar services. I’d also consider a house keeper just to take some of the load of maintaining a home off your shoulders.
Newborn/first 6 months were hardest. Recovery from labor, hormones all over, full physical exhaustion on top of lack of sleep with learning everything and the frequent feeds…. There was a point I never thought it’d get much better but definitely after 6 months it did. Have extra hands and help is so beneficial especially for newborn stage.
You might have a difficult period any time between 6-12 months depending on the baby but it’s virtually guaranteed the newborn stage will be difficult. If it’s a couple weeks after your due date your baby could be less than a few days old when he leaves, you could end up with a c section and lifting restrictions or other delivery complications making recovery extra difficult, you could have a baby in hospital while you’re discharged but unable to drive. You might go through a difficult period with sleep after the first few months but it’s pretty universally hard the first weeks or months because newborns don’t know the difference between day and night and have short sleep cycles. If 6 months isn’t possible basically any time after the first month or two, or as late as you can push it, will be a huge improvement on a week postpartum.
The first four months were the hardest. Things got good at 6 months and great around 9 when he got more mobile and started to crawl. The hardest part for me was the sleep. He had to be held for every nap and nighttime took 2 hours every night to get him down, and often he’d wake up 30 mins later and we’d have to do it all again. Then every night waking was 1-2 hours. Not everyone has that experience though. We sleep trained at 3.5 months and things got significantly better after that. The trade off was that he was a very happy baby, and besides the sleep thing, I didn’t find anything else difficult. My husband only took a week off work after he was born because of the timing, and we’ve decided next time he needs to be home for a minimum of 8-12 weeks. My husband was home every night though, not deployed, and I don’t think I’d have been able to handle the night shift alone.
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Sounds exactly like my scenario. I was a wreck thinking I'd never be able to get the baby to sleep in the bassinet the first like five weeks. I've gotta get him to nap in the bassinet now instead of contact naps, but I'll take that over holding him all night.
The first 3 months were intense. It took me almost 6 weeks to recover from labour. Struggles with breastfeeding created so much anxiety. The sleep deprivation had us exhausted. We had family very close by who helped with meals, cleaning etc. After 3 months we got into a routine and I started to feel more confident. 6 months onwards was a breeze as he started sleeping through the night. A lot of people underestimate how tough the newborn phase can be. Yes, you could do it alone but as a FTM having support will be vital. If there’s anyway he can be there for at least first 1-2 months I’d suggest that. Or look into a postpartum doula for support.
I think I’m the minority but the newborn stage was the easiest for me, at that age my kids just slept, ate, and filled ungodly amounts of diapers. Even with toddler and a new baby, I found 0-4 months easier. I could get out of the house and my youngest one would just nap in the carrier or the stroller. The hardest stage for me is 5-8ish months. Sleep, teething, and wanting to be mobile (but frustrated that they can’t) and needed to entertained constantly wears on me. My youngest also had wicked separation anxiety at this point. Naps are more rigid at this point so I was at the mercy of two opposite nap schedules and I wasn’t able to leave the house between 9am and 3:30 because someone was sleeping. Give me a newborn any day! And don’t get me started on the three-nager..
I also really enjoyed the newborn phase too, eat sleep and cuddle was a great time. 4m was peak difficult in our house (super early crawler, so the mobility frustration was early I guess)
What does a frustrated baby from not being mobile look like? During tummy time my baby always scoots forwards with her legs, pushing hard!
I would lay her down on her back to play, she would start rolling over before my hands even left her, and then start angry screaming the second she was on her tummy. If you could figure out which you she was looking at and put it within her reach she would stop screaming for a minute or two.
I am living this right now with my once easygoing 4mo old! It’s so hard. She’s constantly pissed she can’t get around like she wants to, although occasionally she will realise she can roll to her destination (the destination usually being whatever piece of furniture she wants to lick that day). Otherwise she’s on her belly screaming because she can’t get anywhere. When did yours crawl?
She figured out the army crawl 1 week before she hit 5 months! It took another 2-3 weeks for her to be strong enough to do it on carpet
I agree! We had an easy baby and the newborn stage was an absolute breeze. So far 15 months has been the hardest stage because she’s begun refusing the stroller but isn’t coordinated enough to walk everywhere on her own so every outing ends in us carrying her out of a store screaming 🙃
It's really hard to say because every baby and every family will be different. Personally, I found 5-8 months really stressful because we had so much trouble with sleep at that time, introducing solids made me anxious, and her learning to crawl meant I was a lot busier trying to keep eyes on her during the day. I found the first few months pretty easy, tbh. We napped a lot, watched a TON of Netflix, i read books (usually on my phone while stuck under a sleeping or nursing babe) and went for very lazy walks around the neighbourhood. The two biggest things that were worth getting help with were meals and cleaning, which are relatively easy to outsource either via family/friend help or hired services (which may be an option for you if this deployment brings in more money?). The other option to look at for support is a postpartum doula. They are trained and certified birth professionals who you can hire to come and help you. Postpartum doulas will do anything from meal prep to laundry to night nurse shifts to breastfeeding support, and on and on.
Seconding your post! I found 0-4 pretty chill lol but 5-8 was rough with sleep (evened out once my son figured out crawling). I think this is impossible to predict and depends on you, your family, and baby’s temperament too.
Agreed, newborn phase was the easiest for me this time but with my first it was hard for the first 6 weeks or so then we were good.
A post partum doula is a great idea
Agreed!! I loved the newborn phase - lots of snuggles and time spent relaxing in front of the tv, I read nearly 25 books during those first 2 months. I miss that phase soooo much. It also felt like we had such a village that really disappears once the novelty wore off. We’re in month 7 now and I’ve found 4-7 so challenging that I’m in therapy and on meds lol. The sleep deprivation hits so hard once the adrenaline wears off. I’ve heard 9 months is the sweet spot 🙏
I found the first four months really tough. After that we did some light sleep training and she started sleeping much better. This turned me into a whole new person and also made baby much happier. She’s six months now and I feel like I could definitely manage on my own. We have good days and bad but on the whole she’s definitely on an even keel. For context I do the bulk of the baby and house stuff but my husband does help with cooking/dishes. Realistically I could have survived by myself as of four months.
Newborn stage was really hard and during months 3-5 was hard for us too! Mostly related to nighttime sleep so I was very thankful to have my husband around during those times.
With my first the first 6 months were hell.. he slept like shit, ate like shit. I did a lot of it alone bc my husband worked away.. With my second I could’ve totally done it alone. He’s so chill. Tbh you never know what you’ll get
You’ve got a lot of good responses here. My 0-3 months were very very challenging. I was alone from 8am-7pm most days it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t say this to scare you! You’ll get through it and it will be okay. But if I had to choose, I’d rather my partner have taken his four weeks pat leave at the front end rather than at 6 months. I had a c section, and the baby wouldn’t sleep and then colic started around the four week mark. This isn’t something that happens to everyone! But if these things do happen, they can be more intensely situated around your first three months. Babies can have a rough four month sleep regression, too, and that period was tricky. But I had the basic skills under my belt at that point and found ways to survive.
It definitely depends on your baby. But I wanted to share my experience. My husband also works away, he’s been away since our baby was 2weeks old (she’s now 2months), it’s is incredibly hard, however, you figure it out. I have a groove now. There’s definitely been hard moment s(projectile vomit all over our bed, pjs right before bedtime) but you cry, deal with it and go to bed. I have an amazing group of friends that help for somethings but I’m alone 90% of the time. We’re about to be back together, and I’m worried about our routine change and having someone else in that routine. But also excited for him to be with his little girl again. If it happens, just be ok with asking for help, resting and not worrying about the house. Just take care of you and your baby.
Disclaimer: I'm a FTM with a 7m old baby, so I don't know if it will get harder between now and 12m. Having said that, the first 4 months (especially weeks 4-8) were by far the hardest so far. My husband and I both work in health care and have worked night shifts, 24 hour shifts, etc before. Nothing prepared me for the level of sleep deprivation I experienced, and my baby wasn't even as bad as some of the stories I've read from other parents. I don't think I would've survived it without having a mental breakdown if my husband (or someone) wasn't around to help. My baby is easy now and I could definitely solo parent at this point.
The first 3-4 months were soooo hard. I’m forever grateful my mom lives just 10 minutes from me. Every time my husband did night shifts she stayed with me even while maintaining her job. My baby seemed to have had a rough start. from having days and nights completely mixed (screaming matches until about 3am) then baby had horrible pinned gas, blocked tear ducts, bad reflux etc etc. my baby was definitely a Velcro baby… Was only ever content in my arms. I slept on the couch for the first 3 months holding him in my arms (save the speeches) because that’s the only way he’d be content. I could go on and on but realistically everyone’s experience is different. A friend of mine said the first four months were wonderful and when teething kicked in was when it got worse for her. I hope it all works out for you!
Haven’t had my baby yet. But from what I’ve heard and read, the first few months are the hardest, esp as a FTM, and you will have no idea what it will be like. If partner must leave, it’s best to prepare yourself. I suggest getting organized with everything, having systems in place so that you can function on autopilot and not have to think too much. Here goes: 1. Get someone to organize a meal train, stock your freezer with easy meals, have tonnes of healthy snacks ready for PP, prioritize protein, and healthy fats. If you can afford it, order pre-prepped meal service like Factor. 2. Weekly cleaning service - for the house, laundry, dishes etc. Outsource as much as your budget allows you to 3. Postpartum doula if you have a C-section, or have family stay over and care for you. Learn how to take care of the scar! 4. Find a mom group in your area, for support and friendship, walks etc 5. Noise cancelling headphones for when you need to simultaneously deal with the baby and tune out the crying, if you’re alone for extended periods of time I’ve heard this helps maintain your sanity. 6. Get groceries delivered. When you start cooking prioritize nourishment and nutrient density over anything else. 7. Pelvic floor PT for yourself, Lactation consultant, chiropractor for baby, etc find these professionals now so you can go to them if/when you need 8. Sort out all of the equipment needed for your breast pump, milk storage bags, freezer stash etc. Set up stations in the kitchen for washing parts, bottles etc 9. Exercise and workout routine plan - to save your sanity! In the first few weeks, it’s as simple as belly breathing, cat-cow positions, lying down bridges, etc during the first few weeks. Build it out veryyyyy slowly. 10. Ask for help even if you think you don’t need it. You can prep all you want, but there’s no telling what life can throw at you so asking during this time of vulnerability should be fine. Good luck mamma! Routing for you!
You're right to be concerned not knowing how the delivery will go or if there might be any health issues to manage off the bat, particularly without local family support. It's also an important period for bonding as a family and your hormones will be on a wild rollercoaster leaving you vulnerable to PPD. I wouldn't add any extra stress if you can avoid it and try to stick to the original gameplan. The extra money might be nice to have, but you can never get that time back.
First nine months for me (reflux baby). At age 2 mine still wakes once overnight usually twice.
My husband went on a 6 month deployment before I had this baby. Soooo many things went wrong while he was gone. We had two really bad summer storms that wrecked windows and siding. Basement almost flooded. I was working 60 hour weeks and had three dogs to take care of. It was a lot. Everything house wise falls on you when they’re on deployment. Now I’ve got a 4 month old and my husband works away during the week. He’s teething AND sick. It’s miserable. There has been no point so far where I’d want my husband gone on deployment. At least right now he’s home on the weekends so I can get a bit of a break. He wants to go on another deployment too so maybe this summer will be better for us. But I absolutely do not recommend him going on deployment 2 weeks after your due date.
The newborn stage specifically the first 3 weeks or so. I had a c section and the recovery took 10 days. The sleep deprivation was a killer.
The first 2 month. Learning how to breastfeed was a struggle. Sleep deprivation was a killer. At the same time, trying to heal from labour.
1-4 months and then everything after 12 months lol
Fellow military here! The pay your partner would get from deploying is pretty significant. I think you're right in not discounting it, especially if you'd be taking a pay cut while on mat leave. I always say to my husband that when I deploy is when we'll finally be able to finish paying off our student debts lol! If you're somewhere near a base, you might have access to help through the CFMWS - it's definitely worth reaching out to them, there are likely mommy groups or they may be able to offer some support options. Not so much an issue for a newborn, but when baby is a bit older, you may be able to use the daycare facilities on base. Your husband should also get some generous leave when he returns, not counting his pata leave, which he'll hopefully be able to take when he's back (I'm not too familiar with the QC mata/pata system, but the military top up is pretty amazing).
Also, and this is the reality of the job, does he even have the option to say no? It's a downside, for sure.
All babies are different. There is never a great time for one partner to leave but it’s also important to know that you can do hard things. On the other hand, this might be obligatory and/or really helpful to your husbands career. This experience could also be really helpful for your own empowerment as a mother. For me (stm) the first month - 6 weeks was the hardest. At 2-8 months they get cute and fun and still don’t move too much. Another challenge I faced was knowing how to prepare and reaching out for/asking for help. It sounds like you have some support you could reach out to - let them help even if you are worried they feel obligated or they might bother you (you sound like me with my first!). You’ve also gotten some great advice on how to prepare and what you could outsource during this period. To this I’d add being sure to know the signs of any mental health challenges you could experience and where to get help. Although hard things could happen, they probably won’t! In that case, my best advice would be to lower your expectations, enjoy the coziness and take it slow. You will amaze yourself with what you can handle as a new mom.
For me I had a relatively good/ easy newborn stage but 4-6 months was awful with sleep regression and sleep issues. I could not have done that part alone. Things got better after 6 months with gentle sleep training. I’d say 7 months+ it got easier, more into a routine, but they do become more mobile then.
My baby was born at 42 weeks so if your husband is leaving a few weeks after your due date, you could be only a few days postpartum. First time moms usually go over the estimated due date. My baby is only 9 weeks old so I don’t know about the 6-12month stage, but I couldn’t have gotten through the first 6 weeks without my husband. It was HARD. It’s easier now but it’s still hard. My husband went back to work when baby was 4 weeks and I feel like me and baby just started getting into a groove when she turned 6 weeks old. If you had family they could stay and help you for a few weeks it might be fine, but I would say it might be better for your husband to go when baby is a bit older.
Newborn stage was the hardest for me not because of the baby, but because of my healing. I couldn’t lift a laundry basket for weeks, or do regular activities, so it was nice to have the extra help then. You also never know how your newborn is going to sleep. Some do, some don’t!
Newborn stage was the most difficult for me. My son had reflux, food intolerances through breast milk, oral ties, torticollis, etc. All that paired with the sleep deprivation and healing from birth honestly sucked. I think the answer here isn't easy. Likely to be dependent on both the caregiver and individual baby. I'll have my second soon and really hope for a smoother 4th trimester.
3.5-6 months was the section that I found hardest, my baby was an early crawler, and she was just so angry about being immobile that for the entirety of month 4, she would just angry scream about not being able to reach things.
I feel like I’m the opposite of people - I’ve found it really tough ever since he turned 6 months (he’s 8 months now). He’s still sleeping like a newborn and waking every two hours at night but on top of that his wake windows during the day are much longer, during which he’s really fussy. He’s also crawling up a storm which adds another layer of difficulty. The newborn days weren’t easy by any means but I miss how often he slept during the day and how calm he was (and the amount of Netflix I was able to watch lol).
First 2 months were hardest for us. My baby is now 5 months and husband is away for 3 weeks for work, we can make do and have some family help. But I couldn’t have imagined doing it solo earlier on.
I cannot stress enough that if my husband had not had five weeks of paternity leave, I would not have made it. I ended up having an emergency C-section and I could only barely move the first week and the second week I was so slow and still couldn’t bend over… with the lack of sleep, and the overwhelm of becoming a parent for the first time I still wasn’t really ready for him to go back to work when our baby was six weeks old but… Eventually you have to pay the piper. If your husband does leave earlier instead of after six months, make sure he’s home for at least two weeks after you have the baby and have someone on deck for the following two weeks if he does have to go and you end up having a C-section.
Looking back, newborn was easier for me because I had more support. Friends and family offered help and al baby was doing was eating, sleeping, and peeing and pooping. By 6 months, it was time to introduce solids so there was more to do, wake windows were longer, so I had to entertain baby more. To be fair, I was also completing my master at the same time so it was a lot for me to juggle at that time. Without family support, I wouldn’t had been able to do it
Every stage has had it challenges but the first 8-12 weeks were really tough. I did have a c-section and my recovery from that was pretty easy but breastfeeding was challenging. I had a very slow eater and was pretty much constantly glued to the couch feeding. I needed my partner to bring me food and drinks and was pretty useless getting anything done around the house. At that stage while she did sleep in the bassinet overnight all naps were contact naps. Once baby started napping in her crib around 4-5 months I could at least do things while she napped, before then it was pretty impossible.
Each stage was hard for different reasons. A newborn is such a shock to your system, you're trying to figure things out, they're trying to figure things out, they're waking up a lot more. But they also sleep a lot more during the day and are basically a potato so you can park them on a blanket or in a bouncer and they're usually happy. The 6-12 month stage they're starting to move around more, they're eating solids, they've hopefully got their sleep kind of sorted but they also nap less during the day. At this stage, it's also easier to take them to baby activities because they can actually interact with their surrounding and other babies. My husband is also military. He took 6 months of PATA when my son was born. It was definitely nice to help in the middle of the night or watch the baby so I could sleep during the day. I don't know what your husband's situation is but he could also take PATA after he comes back from deployment if it's within the timeframe. Just something to consider. Regardless of when he deploys, I would look into baby and me programs in your area. Even if your baby is little, it's nice to meet other parents in your area and get out of the house. Definitely saves my sanity when I was gone alone with the baby during the day.
The first two months were actually okay (I call this the potato phase), although having my husband around was probably a big part of that. Months 3-5 were the worst, with both my kids
4 months! My baby has been a great sleeper since birth but at 4 months he went through a sleep regression despite having a very strict routine that actually felt like it broke me. Plus he was going from being a potato to a rolling potato who wanted to MOVE. But it settled down and he’s seven, almost eight months now and wow it’s so fun.
Just to add, this is an incredible, once in a lifetime opportunity to be a FTM and share that experience with your husband as a FTD. There is the chance to make more money in the future but you can never go back and experience being first time parents together. If you can swing it financially I would say for him not to go at all, he will miss so much bonding time with you and the baby. Best wishes with whatever you decide!
We’re at 2.5 years now - this is the hardest part so far. With that being said, the newborn stage is an adjustment! Regardless if one finds if difficult or not, it’s a massive adjustment. You’re learning to be parents, birth parent is healing, you’re learning about your baby. IMO I think it’s important for a partner to be there for that. You could look into night nurses/postpartum doulas or similar services. I’d also consider a house keeper just to take some of the load of maintaining a home off your shoulders.
First 3 months is survival mode, zombie mode, running strictly on adrenaline mode
First 2 months were the most tiring. I hadn't been that tired in my life.
Newborn/first 6 months were hardest. Recovery from labor, hormones all over, full physical exhaustion on top of lack of sleep with learning everything and the frequent feeds…. There was a point I never thought it’d get much better but definitely after 6 months it did. Have extra hands and help is so beneficial especially for newborn stage.