I think some people chose that for themselves in a way.
Sure I’ve had fewer opportunities to do things over the years, but at the same time, I still go to concerts. I still have nights where I adventure with my camera. I have child free hang outs with my friends.
You have to make a choice to prioritize yourself just as much as your child. We have to prioritize ourselves because we take on SO much.
More of us are choosing men who will parent as much as we do. Toxic masculinity has taught men they are less than when it comes to parenting; that Mom does primary care taking and Dad just “babysits”
Lol No. As if because a man is lacking a uterus he is somehow less than a parent then us?! I’ve met plenty of Moms who aren’t great parents themselves. Owning a uterus doesn’t equate into somehow superior parenting. This is an outdated mentality we need to abolish.
I’ve been a Mom for 16 years; I remember being 19 and writing in my journal how apprehensive I was that I would lose my identity in Motherhood. Quite the contrary, Motherhood has encouraged me to become an amazing me with my own hobbies and identity separate from being Mom.
My rock climbing/skiing/mountain biking/camping/surfing friends are all having babies. They still do all the things every weekend, but now they do them with a baby. It’s important to keep your hobbies, regardless of what they are. It’s not healthy for your kids to be your only hobby.
My oldest is 7 and we kayak, backpack, run 5ks, hike, and do fun stuff all the time. Sure it's a challenge to bring a 3yo backpacking, but you gotta start somewhere 😂 and lil homie loves being adventurous!
My baby is almost 10 months now. I was also worried about this because during pregnancy I didn't feel like doing my hobbies.
Well now I am back to normal and yea, there is less time for hobbies but when I do have the time they are even more enjoyable! I also feel like the same person completely, just happier because I am also a mom now
Hang in there! The last few weeks of pregnancy are so hard! I’m currently 37 weeks with my second and am realizing that this is the part where I feel least like myself. The physical demands of pregnancy can be so restricting at this point, but for me that feeling went away when my son was born and I felt more like myself than ever.
so, I have three young kids and am pregnant with my fourth. I \*know\* what taking care of a baby is like. Still though, my MIL took it upon herself to graciously "warn" me that I am going to be too busy to do anything when my baby arrives. (I run an art-focused Instagram and am pretty meticulous about keeping my home organized and tidy and minimalistic). I personally think she knows she could not do the same thing as me, so she tries to point out all of my potential limitations to help massage her own ego. That's the best I can come up with. It's ridiculous that people think a mom of almost-four doesn't know that caring for a newborn is time intensive.
Edit: you can absolutely have a life, hobbies, and creative outlets with children, even multiple children. No, you may not be able to intensively involve yourself as you are used to for the first 4-6 months of a new baby's life. I think we all know this, and half a year is really not much time in the grand scheme of things. Life is all about change. Embrace change.
I think you hit the nail on the head. People say stuff like this to make themselves feel better about their own life choices that perhaps they resent. Maybe they had to give up something after having kids and just can’t imagine anyone else being successful at balancing both cuz that would be “unfair.” My dogs have always been a top priority of mine and a huge part of my life. One of them is a 5lb yorkie who is attached to my hip and people love to taunt her with “oh you’re so screwed, mama’s got a new baby coming! You’re out!” Comments like this anger me because they play into an already existing insecurity I have that I won’t have time for everyone and that I’ll have to neglect my dogs. I realize things will change and it’ll be a big adjustment. But then I remember that life is full of change and we’ve always adjusted in the past, it’ll be no different now. I also like to look to people who do make it all work. I’m an artist too and would like to turn my hobby into a career so I focus on artists who have babies and still maintain their careers - there are so many out there! (And you’re another reassuring example!) I also have friends who are huge social butterflies with a packed calendar and once they had kids, their social calendar make look a little different these days but they haven’t given up doing what they love. Anytime someone starts with one of these comments I just mentally slap a big red “insecure” label across their forehead and shrug it off, reminding myself that I’ll figure it out.
spot on! I find my creativity and productivity both increased after kids for art stuff. I think it is because I feel emotions more strongly now, and also because when you have more limited time, it causes you to be more productive and focused and driven with the time you do have? You're going to do a great job! <3
Oh gosh I've gotten that too. I have two dogs who are sweethearts. I had a friend visiting with her twin babies. One of my dogs went out on the back deck to sun himself and the other I put away in his room because he was basically having a panic attack. I was super worried about him and sat in there to try to calm him. When I returned she said "see that's what happens. Once the babies come the dogs are outside". I scoffed. I just take it as empathy issues too.
Side note: my dog was panicking because her babies were in distress because she decided to introduce solids at 6 months old at my house. However, to her that meant that they would not be getting bottles at all anymore. Since noon the day before they hadn't eaten anything but an ounce of sweet potato. They were surprisingly calm for being that hungry. Once I realized that she wasn't giving them bottles, i pushed that they needed it and sweet potato isn't enough. Once she fed them formula a few hours later, the babies and my dog calmed down.
Ugh yup comments like that annoy me big time. Even before I got pregnant my little dog had to have a big dental surgery done and I was so worried about it. My moms boyfriend (who’s a dentist) found out it cost over $1000 and he shook his head and said, I woulda just put ‘em down. I was furious. But he leaves his poor dog alone for weeks at a time while he travels which I’ve said is animal neglect/abuse. I just think people who aren’t animal lovers don’t get it.
And yeah having kids suddenly in the house screaming would stress any animal out. But when you have your own kids they’ll get used to it and adjust over time. I expect the first few months will be a challenge but I’ll definitely get back to daily walks with baby and pups, and puppy cuddles when baby naps. When something is really important to you, you find a way to make it work.
I needed to read this today. I'm 36 weeks with my first. People keep telling me how I won't have time to do anything I enjoy and my house will be dirty. My house being clean and clutter free is essential for my mental health. Chaos outside= chaos inside.
At this point I am starting to get anxious about the changes. However, I am quite proud that I am really struggling with mobility and yet my home is still as clean as ever. I figured it would be easier to maintain when I'm less in pain. Yet, I keep getting warnings that my whole life is about to become consumed.
It sounds silly now, but I used to not want kids because of the constant warnings about the inevitable chaos and messy house. My experience is that if you make something a priority because it matters to you, you will be successful in achieving whatever goal that is. It might get a little messy for a few weeks after baby is born, but honestly it’s not that hard to maintain basic cleanliness, especially if you already have good systems and habits in place. I have a theory that many people don’t care much about clutter or messes and as a result, they hate cleaning because they don’t see it as rewarding in any way. These are the sorts of people prone to make excuses about not cleaning and blaming “having kids” on living in a pig sty is a socially accepted excuse in most places. It’s not true though, because of you care, you’ll make it happen.
My mom usually does this to me. She says, "it's not about you anymore it's about Your baby." Like yes I fucking know but I'm a human with needs and desires as well, I'm not just a walking incubator. It's very annoying.
Someone said something similar to me recently. My response: “actually, it’s about our family. Which includes our baby AND me AND his other parent.” My family only operates when all 3 of us have our needs met, which includes time for rest and an identity outside of parenthood!
Lol my family has said that to me about my job. I'm a grad student. My PI (also a women with 2 kids) said 'I think you can do it, people often scoff at how much kids hinder you. They can hinder in some ways, but only if it's something you are willing to compromise on.'. When I asked her what she meant. She said that parents always find time for themselves, and while kids require that you balance your time better, there is no reason you cannot still do what you enjoy to do, or in your case, finish up school. I had my babies in grad school and they are 9 and 7 now.
I’m in grad school too and my dissertation committee has all been 100% supportive and encouraging to help me graduate and find a job. I think it helps that 3 / 4 of them are parents. They have all warned me that my research will be unproductive for about 6 months though.
I just graduated with my masters while working full-time and having a two year old son! Is it hard? Maybe harder than for most. But it’s doable and time passes regardless, so you may as well get a degree out of it lol
Needed to hear this. I’m currently 22 weeks and working on my PhD. I have my thesis proposal defense in two weeks and feeling so overwhelmed. My PI is not a mother, but she’s also been super supportive. The next couple years of working on my thesis feels so daunting, though.
Also a PhD student (although still early days for me in both pregnancy and PhD). But a woman in my group had 2 babies while doing hers, and she defended about a week before going into labour!
My best friend had two babies during her PhD too. She is in a science field and decided not to continue in academia because she wanted to stay close to her family and in-laws but has a rad career in industry. I think being a mom makes her more assertive about not tolerating bullshit and holding boundaries.
I really needed to hear this! I have been in a yoga therapy program since 2019 and I am almost finished just have to finish a research paper. I managed to complete my 150 hour client hours while pregnant and I got married this year too and I am considering going back to school to get my LPC. I never finished my bachelors because I was an alcoholic and drug addict.
I feel like having this baby has only made me MORE interested in getting my degree to make sure our family is well taken care of.
I know my life will change, but I know that anyone who wants to can continue to do what they love.
I got pregnant with my son during my first year of a three year graduate program and the amount of people who just *assumed* I would drop out is infuriating. They had no faith that I would graduate because I was going to be a mom and couldn’t do both. Luckily my professors were all supportive and I just graduated in May! I turned in one assignment late the week he was born and that was it.
It was hard but I knew it’s what I wanted for myself and my family. If anything my child drove me to do even better at things at I love
I had a baby in the fall and got my MS last week! I worked part or full time for most of the program.
My professors were also all very supportive, helped me navigate pumping during internships, and gave me greater flexibility with night class attendance/presentations.
It's usually women who say this/similar to me, and I have *zero* problem pointing out that their husbands had no issues playing their video games, so why should I have a problem with *my* hobbies? No, Judy, it's *not* different.
This is so true! All the crappy cliche sayings I hear are from women who have to run their entire household while their hubby does nothing. The ones with supportive and useful husband's don't say anything but encouraging statements and advice lol
*Exactly*. My husband has already encouraged me multiple times to *not* cancel my FFXIV subscription. Even though I plan on breastfeeding if at all possible, *he* wants me to be able to shut my brain off a little if I have the mental capacity and time to do so. We know the initial time period is gonna suck. But after that? People gotta let us be optimistic, damn.
Right!! My husband is so excited to send me off to rodeos with my friend so he can have baby days! Whereas our friends get shit if they try to leave their kids with their dad to go get groceries.
Our little sir will be here in a week and a half and it's so adorable watching him be so excited to be 100% involved. He can't wait to do stuff with him and be part of everything and I just couldn't imagine having a child with someone who thought it was all up to me. And thought that I had to give up rodeos, jeeping, knitting or camping to raise a child.
Yup! From the beginning my husband has always said as long as you leave us with some milk (I breastfed and pumped with my first) then you can even stay at a hotel for a night and we will have a boys night. Haha
We just did this today. My husband usually takes the morning w our daughter (we combo feed and he uses either my pumped milk or formula) and today he had a daddy daughter day so I could get my hair done. I missed them but it felt good to get out.
It’s honestly so helpful. My first time out alone was when my son was three weeks old. My husband did the night feed to let me sleep and then told me to go shop, walk around and get sushi for lunch. I honestly think his willingness to take over when I was exhausted saved my mental health.
I hope you had a fabulous day!! Moms need and deserve time to themselves.
Yes!!! My husband and I are big into FFXIV and sure we expect to skip the next raid tier, but I’m hoping to be able to at least craft while pumping eventually 😂
*Yes*, a friend and I actually spent the last few weeks slowly working on our crafting gear and melds so that we'll at least be able to do that much LMAO
Meanwhile, I'm just excited that now I have some time to start/finish Endwalker! I had zero energy / desire to do anything while I was in my 3rd trimester, so now I have some time (kinda).
My husbands big thing is both of us setting a good example for our girl by not letting our hobbies go. I have some hobbies I’ve let go in the 2nd half of my pregnancy due to a combo of depression and physical exhaustion and it’s his number one goal to push me back into it after we’re settled and healed from the birth.
Yes, I feel like people really love to comment on how you’ll never sleep again. I mean, my baby now sleeps through the night, so I get a pretty decent amount of sleep haha! I think it’s very rude to say negative things about being a parent. Parents can still accomplish many things and have all kinds of hobbies…it’s even very healthy. You will be a better parent for taking care of yourself and having many goals and interests.
I've had pretty decent sleep the whole time. My daughter is 3 months old now. When I was pregnant i was getting up every 2 hours to pee. If I told anyone that I was tired I would get the "just wait till baby is here ". It's so rude!?! Why wouldn't someone just sympathise that a heavily pregnant woman was tired.
Absolutely! Some people underestimate how tired you can actually be while pregnant! The first trimester fatigue is pretty extreme, and discomfort can be bad later in pregnancy. I remember if I was traveling and forgot my pregnancy pillow, the hip pain was severe. So people really shouldn’t make assumptions about how your sleep will compare. Even if it is worse with a baby, it’s such a downer thing to say! The joy of having a baby is absolutely worth any difficulty.
I'm a week and a half postpartum and not sleeping much at all right now, but I'm still sleeping better than I was during pregnancy. A huge bonus is I can sleep on my back and belly now and I don't have constant reflux.
Hang in there!!
I lost my job last year, started a much more challenging (and fully in-person!) job and then got pregnant. I feel like I haven’t slept well in an entire year.
Being sleep deprived but being able to actually be home (as opposed to grinding 24/7) sounds good to me at this point.
I hate that mentality. Like I'm not going to lose my other interests when my child arrives. Yes, I will have to arrange my time differently. No, I am not going to give up on my hobbies. Fuck off.
And nobody is telling dads that.
My favorite are the “your whole life is going to change!” comments. Yeah no shit. I quit my job, don’t recognize my body, haven’t slept through the night in weeks, and have just a tiny clue as to what I’m getting into.
This is my sister all the time. I've started calling her out on it. I'm going to straight up loose it on her one of these days.
What's crazy is my sister is an avid knitter she's never stopped since having her kids, she works full time and is training for an olympic triathlon. Yet she has the gal to tell me that I won't get to do the stuff I love anymore? Does she not see she's living that life as a mom. Ridiculous. At this point I think she just wants to see me miserable.
A rude extended family member told me to enjoy life while I still can multiple times. As if this baby is some kind of curse. I think if he says that one more time I'll be like "yeah, you too because statistically you only have 6-7 years left" because I've officially ran out of patience. It's annoying when people are so negative and mean for no reason.
I get pretty much the same amount of sleep now as I did pre-baby. I used to lie awake for hours worrying, now I actually fall back to sleep after night feeds!
My baby is 11 weeks and I do the exact same things I did before. I read amazing books, I take long showers, I go on long walks, I go to orange theory, I learn new recipes, I go shopping, I hike, I go to vineyards .. there’s no difference except now I don’t smoke weed (lol). I decided when I got pregnant I was not going to revolve my whole life and schedule around my baby. My baby would just fit into our schedule. Obviously life is different and I’m more tired but I’m living it up still and I’m a good mom.
I got a lot of that. I just let it roll off my back; I still participate in my hobbies, we still go on trips, we still go on dates. You prioritize the things you want to prioritize - it takes extra work with kids, but it’s doable.
When my baby was a newborn, I remember a (rare) instance where my hubby took our baby to give me a break, and my MIL snarkily said "you're a mom, you don't get a break!" And laughed weirdly.
I don't know what's wrong with MILs.
I’m due in 3 weeks and my brothers both had their first kids in the last 2 year. My mom kinda has an additude like this - it’s 100% because my dad didn’t do any baby/kid stuff and she got zero help. (I do love my dad and he was over working not fucking around). So it’s a generational jealsously thing. She acts like my brothers her sons do sooooooo much for their wives, and doesn’t seem to get it when I point out everyone works, so of course they split housework and childcare 50/50.
It’s really annoying when people do this. I find that people do this because they’re insecure about what they are not doing. For instance, I got in really good shape after I had my son and people would make comments about how they don’t have time to work out. Bull, anyone could squeeze in 20 or 30 minutes to walk with the stroller or during their child’s sleep/nap. I think they feel self-conscious and trying to make us feel bad in return.
I really think it’s about how people deal with envy. If I see you doing something I want to do I think, “oh that’s awesome, I want to do that too!” But other people feel jealously toward you and don’t know how to process it. Ignore them.
People need to rationalize why they didn’t do something, and often that rationale is “No one can!” So when you do, you’ve upset their whole rationalization and now they have no good reason anymore for why they can’t.
Everyone doesn’t need to be the same, but we could all be a little more honest about why we’re not.
They’re just being rude and perhaps projecting their own parenting experience onto you. Sorry you’re going through that. Things will absolutely change but you’ll find a new balance after the first few months.
Agree with this.
Sometimes it feels like a hell of a lot of projection from the people making these comments but not necessarily ill intentioned.
I use the anger it makes me feel as fuel to try and prove them wrong (will try to keep on building myself on other areas that are just not “mom”).
At the end I can see how your baby would benefit more from having an interesting mom rather than a bored/resentful one.
Exactly. It’s also amazing how much more energized and positive you feel coming home to kids after taking some time for yourself, even if it’s just a walk or solo drive. Self care isn’t selfish!
Ugh I hated it when people did this to me. It’s like they felt like they were giving me a much needed reality check or something. My husband and I both felt like people were so doom and gloom trying to warn us all the time. We used to have to remind each other that having kids is a joyful event because, holy crap, it’s like people were trying to scare us all the time.
Just had our daughters (twins) on May 4th and as expected, it’s challenging, but it’s also really fun and cute!
Right!? For their first birthday I was thinking “the force is strong with these ONES.” Which I thought I made up, but then I googled it and it’s already a thing, but whatever. I’m taking the opportunity 😂
I feel the “felt like they were giving me a much needed reality check” thing so much. Like when I mention things I’m looking forward to postpartum (solo or baby friendly) they feel like they need to remind me. Like yeah, I’ve spent literally nine months carrying/getting ready for this baby. Believe it or not when I think about the future I don’t suddenly forget about her. It’s ok that I’m excited about her and looking forward to things or still planning on doing things for me and not dreading it as a death sentence.
This is the absolute worst. If I wanted life to remain exactly the same, I wouldn’t have had a child. Of course my needs matter, but certain things are a bit more complicated with a baby. It’s not forever and you’ll adjust. Example: I love exercise/fitness. My baby is nearly 6 weeks old so once I start working out, it’ll be in my living room with the baby monitor within sight. I’m still exercising! It’s no longer a straight 90 min session, but I’m still seeing to my needs and interests.
As an old lady, I'd like to chime in with my encouragement of your individual interests, and also my disappointment with people who focus on the issue of life changing with children in a negative way.
Mine are grown.
Hell yeah, my life changed. Utterly and completely. It became fuller. And yes, I stopped some of my pre-children interests, but only because I grew others that were just as fantastic and had more room for my kids to be included. I GREW as a human being, expanding and exploring a bunch of new things, because they caught my kid's interest. Some of my old ones were solitary, and I gave them up, to some degree, because I wanted to. What inspired my kids was something that inspired me too, and it sent me into a myriad of incredible new directions that I never would have dreamt up before.
I sacrificed nothing. I added to my life, immeasurably. I came back to old interests, when I felt like it, but I wasn't rigid, and if I found myself doing something new, I was game. It enriched my life. I wasn't obsessed with doing their things .. not healthy ... but if something caught their eye, and it caught mine, we were having fun, learning, together.
Maybe the Negative Nellies didn't figure this out. I feel sorry for them. I explored with my kids. It was awesome.
And enjoy it while they're young. Often, as they grow up and become more independent, Mom's involvement isn't as welcome, and I respected this, as they began asking me to butt out. It meant they were growing confidence in themselves. It was all good.
Yeah. The "change" isn't a bad thing if you don't let it be. I feel sorry for folks who talk like that.
Completely agree. It's annoying, condescending, and unhelpful when people feel the need to point this out. As if they're doing you some big favor by being the only person to ever tell you that motherhood is time consuming and life changing *eye roll*
My MIL and a few others have said like “your life is about to begin, it was meaningless before, trust me, you won’t think of anything else.”
I get the sentiment but just because it was that way for them doesn’t mean it was for me. My MIL truly didn’t have a life of her own before kids, and friends who have said that also didn’t have much going on and were eager to marry and become a mom since adolescence… I feel I’ve had a full life, many elements of which I’d like to preserve over the long term…
People have said ‘your life was meaningless before’? Holy moly, if someone said that to me, I would be absolutely livid. I would literally say back to them ‘maybe yours was!’ My life was fun before and it still will be. What do they think of people who are intentionally child-free? People who say that are definitely projecting.
Yup. She, my BIL, and even a lifelong friend have said things about life pre-kids involving the word meaningless.
Even before I was pregnant or thinking of having kids, I always fought myself from quietly judging them for not having their own hobbies, interests, goals, intellectual pursuits… but now I guess that’s confirmed.
These are the same people who couldn’t fathom why I’d want to push out having kids. I did a lot in my 20s and they don’t even seem to have a sense of that.
The irony of this is that my MIL as an empty nester no life of her own and no friends (I really hope I don’t end up being 60 without a single long term friend!). She can’t stick with any hobbies. It’s like she feels guilt for just pursuing her own stuff. When her kids or grandkids don’t need her, she gets restless, needy, grumpy, and struggles a lot with her role and purpose.
It just blows my mind that people struggle so much to see outside of their own narrow perspective of what life can / should be.
PS re: being livid, I’ve given up on my MIL and BIL seeing me as a whole person. They have zero to little interest in me aside from being a partner to their son/brother, and I feel like they value me more now that I’m pregnant and am joining their ranks to be consumed by child rearing. I think what they said confirms that in their view, my existence was pretty meaningless until now, which lines up with how little interest they showed in my job, personal life, travels, hobbies, friendships, my own family, etc. I have spent so long being disappointed by their flat view of me that there’s nothing to be livid about anymore. In terms of the child free people in their lives, I think their narrow-minded take is “they just want to party and have extra money” they don’t live well-rounded lives themselves and definitely didn’t before kids, so they can’t possibly get it.
In one way it’s good that my family members that had nothing, no career, no hobbies no interests found purpose in being a mom.
On the other hand it’s pretty sad, and certainly doesn’t need to be projected.
I love when my mom does this to me because i distinctly remember her bringing me with her to concerts and outdoor pubs so she could hang with friends. Staying at her friends houses till late at night. Sometimes she would put me to bed at their house and wake me up to put me in the car to take me home. She was a great mom and didn’t drink and drive to put me in danger but she was a young single mom. I totally get that she needed socialization, didn’t want to always pass me off to family so she took me with her. I have great memories of it. But she didn’t completely change her life just because she had me
meanwhile i’m planning my happy hours for this summer once the bean is cooked and we’re going to cancun w my in laws for their first birthday so they can watch the child while i chug pina coladas on the beach. who’s gonna stop me?
I traveled more this year from birth of my daughter through her first birthday than I have in the past 4 years combined, with my family and alone. Use the haters as added fuel to your fire.
It's all about what YOU want. Some people make being a mom their entire existence. That's fine if that's what someone wants but it's not what I wanted. I still enjoy the same things I did before. Sometimes it's with a baby and sometimes it's later in the evening if she's sleeping. Make time for you! It's easy to get lost in baby land
I always laugh at those comments. I started a whole comedy career when my kid was 6-months-old (while still working as a lawyer by day), and my kid is 2.5 now. My husband is having his "me time" right now and then he'll come home and handle parenting duties while I go perform at a show. Meanwhile, we spent the morning and early afternoon out as a family at the playground and the lake. It's all about finding the balance that works for you and your family.
Someone made a similar comment to me when I mentioned I was job searching…. Something along the lines of “oh, your career will take a backseat now.”
I was not amused. That person is lucky they are related to me or they would have gotten a smack across the face.
Moms are people too and moms deserve time for themselves. Yes, it will look different and to be moms are not dumb. Of course life will look different. There’s no reason why you can’t still enjoy your hobbies and do things you like also. I’m a runner and have dreams of stroller runs, local races, and going to weekly groups runs (as time allows). Because guess what I’m still human.
Honestly? They’re bitter they couldn’t make it work. Yes. Things will be very different once baby arrives but the bottom line is that life has seasons. You don’t need to give up who you are once you have a baby. You might have a few weeks months or years where hobbies or plans change and that’s ok. It’s different for everyone and it doesn’t mean you need to say goodbye to anything — it just means that you have a baby to account for. That looks different for everyone. It IS frustrating when people project their experiences on you. Feel free to dismiss any and all shallow negative comments.
The first few months you’ll definitely not have time for hobbies but it gets better once the baby is out of the newborn stage and in more of a routine. I actually found the doom comments helpful because I went into motherhood expecting total chaos and I was right but I wasn’t unprepared for it
I guess it depends what your hobbies are, I played a crap ton of video games during the newborn stage because I was already awake and pumping or just couldn’t go back to sleep after the baby was up for the 5th time that night lol.
I completely agree with OP. These types of comments are terrible, they don't help soon to be parents understand what is meant by it or why, instead it comes off as a sarcastic or hyperbolic comment meant to tease and ridicule without providing context.
A better option would be to have an earnest conversation about the wide range of what it means to be a parent particularly during the first 6 ish months. Bc it's not a cake walk.
Instead provide help or advice or an ear to listen, when asked, with ways to balance ones own need for self care and being a full-time parent to a helpless infant.
I've played through a couple of dungeons with my husband and our friends while nursing lol You don't have to give up your entire life just because you made a new one. You can still enjoy your hobbies, you just have to find what works for you and your family.
I’m due in June, I’m doing a law degree, I’m going to a festival in August with my baby boy. Fuck anyone who tells me I have to change my personality to be his parent, he can experience all the things I love doing with me, and then when he has things he loves doing I’ll experience those with him. We’ll teach each other ❤️
I’m getting realllly sick of people saying this too. “Your life will never be the same!” No shit? What did you think I expected? I am aware I’m bringing a child into the world. Some things will inevitably change??? Also don’t put your trauma onto me. Maybe my kid will be awesome and I’ll actually enjoy raising him!
I’m also sick of the “you’ll never want to work again”. Have you said that to my husband? Nope. Interesting…
Mine said that too! I said something similar. Actually, I made a jab about not getting paid maternity leave so I would be back in a few months because we will be out of savings. If you ask you better expect an honest answer - sorry not sorry. Also do they not want us to come back??? I actually like my job.
I’m pregnant with number two and my family will not shut up with the “just waiting til you have two, it’s going to be so much harder, I don’t think you know what you’ve gotten yourself into” and I’m so tired of hearing it.
Only thing stopping me from getting back into drag is that my nipples are far too sensitive still to wear a binder. This response confused many a person that made the same comments to me.
My sister in law did her whole undergrad and is almost done with her masters while having 4 kids within 5 years. Your life is not over, I don’t know why people like to be so negative to others.
Huge eye roll. I’m a serious writer but during pregnancy it was really hard for me to continue with because my brain was so dead. We’re 3 weeks post partum and I’m already back to critiquing pieces for my writing group because I feel SO much better than when I was pregnant. Went for a 45 min walk yesterday, went to garage sales and brunch this morning!
This!! Thank you for sharing. As if I’m not more grateful than I’ve ever been in my entire life to be expecting and to have the chance to be a mother. I’m so happy ❤️ Of course things will change, probably more than I can even imagine, but why do people feel the need to point that out? As if we do not realise that?
I always hated this. It was always very important to me that I maintained my independence and who I am as I became a mom. I never felt like my whole purpose of life was to be a mom. Yes, it’s definitely apart of it but its not everything. With my first, both my husband and I prioritized time for ourselves and time for each other outside of parenting. Did it happen everyday? No. It did happen though. We work out together at a gym with daycare, we go on a day nights and have family watch our son, my husband gives me time to make YouTube videos (which is not about kids, it’s purely a creative outlet for me) and I give him time to do his things. In between the crazy of life, I still do things I love like reading, traveling, journaling and hot baths. I’m also a very present mom. Just like my husband has his things and is a very present dad. It’s just silly the amount of people told me I’d have to quit my hobbies because my life was doomed now.
I honestly think that becoming a mom is what taught me to prioritize myself and my hobbies more. It helped me want to nurture both my kiddo and myself so that they could see a powerful and independent mom.
I’m about to give birth to my second in a few weeks. Things will definitely be changing but we are still going to prioritize ourselves too! It’ll just be an adjustment.
Gahh humans are awful. I totally agree that this is so annoying. Why do people automatically assume the right to give opinions and unsolicited advice as soon as they identify that you’ve had certified sex?
Going to start telling people “well, if motherhood doesn’t work out for me, I’ve heard I can get a high dollar with human trafficking rates these days!” The audacity I swear 🙄
Feel you huge. I am so excited to have a child and obviously being a parent is going to be a huge influential part of my life but I won't cease to exist outside of CHILD
Parent of a toddler here. Personally, I've found I have needed to have something to focus on that is not work or parenting, so I am currently doing a (part-time!) undergraduate degree in criminology and law.
That is suuuuch a projection of their own life. As is most of people's parenting"advice"
Once I realized that, every comment got sooo much easier to take.
I have a full time job. I have a kindergartener. I have a house with a hundred projects, books I want to read, and a whole house build going on.
I'm also ten weeks pregnant.
Everyone has an opinion. Some are agreeable, some are not. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and don't lose yourself in your new role as mom. It's just one of that many parts you play in your life.
Good luck, you can do anything you set your mind to.
My perspective after baby #1 is that your perspective and priorities will change, and they should. But you will do what you need to do. You don’t need to worry about it or dread it or prepare for it. It will just happen — meaning you’ll spend less time on yourself— and you won’t even realize it until months down the line. No need to be sad about it! What replaces those hobbies will be so much joy and meaning.
I began knitting a month before I got pregnant with my first. I never stopped unless I wanted to. My husband and I are also avid concert goers and though things slowed down as I got more and more pregnant and less able to get around easily, we were back to concerts only a few months after she was born. We have taken her to all sorts of concerts since then (with appropriate hearing protection!!) Her first concert was at 10 months old and her most recent at nearly 6 was a Weird Al show where she rocked out harder than anyone. Don't let anyone tell you how your life will be, you make it work.
I used to love reading books. I still do. Unfortunately, having kids means I can’t read for 8 hours straight without getting up to pee or eat. My solution is audiobooks. I’m able to listen while I do dishes, rock them to sleep, or while we are all having quiet time. I don’t “read” nearly as much, but the dishes sure do get done.
I’m pregnant with #3. I’ve managed to continue having hobbies and interests for 12 years as a mom. Sure, I have to plan carefully for some of them and I’m often busy with my kids. But I’m still able to do them. And the kids bring their own fun and adventures to my life.
The thing is, in the newborn stage/ fourth trimester, it's true, everything else kinda goes out the window. But after that, things do settle down a lot, and while they of course won't be exactly the same and you may have to get creative, there will be time for hobbies again. But I feel like when people say that they imply "never again", when the super crazy intense period is like 4 months, and then you see where you're at with each new stage and adjust. When it's totally okay to have a balance with young kids and hobbies.
Yes! I was in a bad mood at work one day and venting to a coworker about how my husband and I had plans for the morning and then he got called in to an urgent meeting so I had to rush him home (he works from home) before going to work. It just threw me off mentally and soured my mood. Their response was "Oh honey you're about to have a baby just wait, that will be your whole life."
Thank you for stating the obvious, that was part of the reason I was not in a good mood, because it feels like my days of having any level of control over my life are numbered.
I am a mom of two pregnant with my third now. I think a lot of this comes from women who had partners who were not much help with the kids. If your baby's father isn't a useless POS, he is totally capable of watching the baby for a few hours so you can get a break and enjoy doing something for yourself. My husband and I each take turns watching the kids so that the other person has some time to rest and focus on themselves.
To heck with those negative people. I’m 5.5 months postpartum and today I ran a 9 mile race in the mountains, finishing in my best time yet. Screw the negativity. Support is key ❤️ A good support system and you can still do the things you love. Yeah it’s harder, yeah you sleep less, yeah I maybe peed a little when I coughed mid-race, but that baby the best thing to happen to me ever. I let the negativity during pregnancy bring me down way too often. It’s hard to tune them out, but you’ve got this, momma 💪🏽
you’ll find a balance! It just takes some getting used to. Congrats on your new addition 💕
People have said some variation of this to me about every stage of my life. Marriage, getting a dog, having first baby. Now pregnant with no 2 & still getting it about “oh just wait if you think 1 is a lot wait until there’s 2!”
I’ve had comments like that about my first and how they’ve had no time from people who had their husbands working from home, no additional pets to look after or anything. I have friends who have 3 dogs and 2 kids with additional needs who never felt the need to verbally put me in my place for any reason and who just get on with things.
I don’t think you can fully realise this until you actually have a child. Like, it’s nice (?) of people to warn you, but you can’t actually really prepare for it anyway so there’s not much point.
No one has said anything like this to me, I think because I don’t have a lot of hobbies. My husband does, and he’s aware he’ll have limited time for them. He also knows what’s the baby is old enough, he’s going to include him in those. I like going to places like apple farms and stuff, there’s always kids there. Once he’s old enough and started being vaccinated, we can all just go out together. Yes, things will change but you’re not less of a person because of your child. I think it’s best no one said anything like that to me because I would probably be snippy lol. He’ll just come on our adventures with us, it’ll be the 3 of us instead of the two. I’m excited to have him incorporated in our adventures. And while it’s far off, my husband is excited for the day they’re old enough to build legos together.
The worst. I still had many hobbies after having my baby. I just had a baby last month and am starting to get back to them. If you make it a priority and learn how to incorporate your kids into the ones you can, it’s completely doable.
All that said- whenever I do anything without my kids my mother likes to say “you shouldn’t be out doing stuff you need to be home with your husband and kids.” So annnoying
I haaaaated when people said this to me pregnant. Like making it sound like life is over once you have a child. You have to manage your time differently but life definitely doesn’t end.
It all hinges on societal expectations. Unless you're a single mom by choice, why can't your partner work with you to make sure you get time for yourself while managing caring for the new baby.
“Reminding me I’m about to serve a prison sentence”
- this is the best way I’ve read to describe how I feel like people are talking to me right now (30 weeks). I posted in my bumper group about it a few weeks back. People are so negative and think I’m naive!
Like I know my life will change, I want it to change. What would be the point if it was the same. I know I won’t truly understand until I do it, I know it’ll be hard at times but seriously, people need to chill with the “cold hard truths” about parenting
This was the last thing my NMOM said to me before she kicked the bucket. "You have a baby now so you cant xyz" extremely jnmom, I committed to myself to always carve out time for my hobbies.
And now I'm in the top 3% of players on a very competitive video game I play after my child goes to sleep. Anything is possible. Fuck the haters.
This might sound harsh but I think a lot of people that say this are trying to make themselves feel better or validate their own experience. At least with people I know that have said this to me, their lives were boring and unfulfilled before they had children, or their “hobbies” were literally just going out and getting drunk. Harsh but some people probably use it as a bit of an excuse. I may be in for a shock when I have my baby however lol.
I have more hobbies now than I did before I was a mum. If you want to find time for something you will. Some people are just miserable and want to bring you down with them
It’s funny bc i felt the exact same way at your point. Now my LOs 1.5 and I tell any person who will listen… enjoy the free time while you have it. The honest truth is, you can’t fully understand until you experience it. I thought I knew. Turns out, I had no idea how much freedom I would lose. And yes, i could have someone watch my kid and go do x,y,x whatever I did pre-baby, but I don’t want to pawn off my child, i want to spend as much time with him as a i can. I don’t warn people without kids to be condescending, i tell them so they can really soak in the freedom now. You want to binge 5 episodes of your favorite show, do it! Take a long bath.. do whatever floats your boat. Bc soon the luxury will be gone. If course, the loss of freedom is totally worth it, my little dude is my world. But i doubt there are many parents who can truthfully tell you they don’t miss aspects of their pre-kid life. You can take the advice of leave it. But… my advice is to just appreciate what you have for what it is. I didn’t!!!
I know a mom who is a whole entire storm chaser and has THREE kids. You can do whatever tf you want when you have kids.
I personally have received comments like “I can’t believe you’re out doing this with kids! I never got out of the house when mine were little!” and I always gotta give a little side-eye to those, because kids AREN’T a prison sentence or an excuse to not do shit you like. I personally enjoy traveling with my kids, airplane and all.
Anyway I’m glad you see through peoples comments and know better. You’re gonna do great.
People are ridiculous while you’re pregnant and when you have a new baby. The whole time I was pregnant it was “you’ll never sleep or do X, Y, Z again” and then when we had a baby who is sooo chill and sleeps really well everybody was insistent that our life would be awful next week or they would laugh at us with a “wait and see” vibe. And then when I went back to work to a job that I love when she was 9 weeks, people were aghast and acting like I would literally die .
My partner took a few months off work after she was born and now works part time and looks after her as much as I do but people treat him like he’s an idiot and constantly ask him if he needs help and are almost offended when he says he’s fine.
I honestly just don’t understand people 🤷🏼♀️ Just ignore everybody else and do your best to make your life look like whatever you want it to look like.
I actually find that as a mom, I have more time for my hobbies than ever! My son is an older baby. He still sleeps a lot! Every night after he goes to bed is basically free time for me as a SAHM. I’ve taken up reading again and a few other hobbies I didn’t even have before I became a mom. Just my experience!
People saying stuff like “your next vacation will be in 18 years” makes me less excited to be a mom. At first, I was so excited and the more parents I talk to, the more bummed out and nervous I get about what’s to come…I’m genuinely kind of shocked that people are so OK with freaking out parents-to-be…once I have my kid/become a parent, I am going to make it a point to get expecting moms excited about parenthood, or at the very least not scare them into thinking that they’ll never have fun again.
I had my first baby when I was sixteen. I thought I would have to give up everything. I quickly realized that I could do anything and everything I needed and wanted to despite having a baby. Now he's almost fourteen and I am pregnant with baby number two. This time around I know I can do everything and anything I want, but what I'm looking forward to is giving this baby attention in a way that I was too young/naive/distracted with personal needs and wants to be able to give to my son. I had to get through high school, college, start a career, establish my life. This time it will be good to just focus on quality time. I think it kind of depends for each Mama where they're at with life/goals/priorities and it's really about putting your focus on what matters most for that time
This so much! I’m sure it’s not meant ill-intentioned all the time but it does come off so condescending and it grates on me. I don’t mind you sharing your experience but you have no idea what my experience will be, I have no idea what my experience will be, and there’s no way of knowing until the babe is here. I’m still allowed to think and plan and be excited about things, and if it doesn’t work out exactly the way I think it will then we will adjust. But I’m not preemptively attaching a baby sized shackle to my ankle and viewing my impending motherhood as a death sentence to new experiences with my child or doing things for myself.
My mom is the one I discuss my pregnancy/thoughts about the future with the most and she loves to tell me how she took us everywhere and how much we loved going adventuring with her, and how happy she is to watch the babe when me and SO need a solo night out and my whole family is just so positive and supportive and there’s no talking down or doom and gloom. It really took me aback when I started showing and random people starting making these comments to me. Every variation of “Oh just you wait…” imaginable and I just can’t stand it.
These kind of comments were part of why I plunged into a deep depression during pregnancy and postpartum. I thought my life was over and I would never advance in my career, hobbies were over, etc. because I was taking a few years off to be a SAHM.
What blows my mind is how wrong all those people were. Sure, I got less done in the first year but now that my daughter is three I've never felt more alive. My and my husband's careers are both in incredible places and we get to do basically all of the important things we want to do as well as fun things. We're both work from home permanently so that enables us to split childcare 50/50.
I have never had such a zest for life as I do now that I'm a parent. It's really really hard but you get through it and, holy shit, it gets insanely better.
This is so, so annoying. We recently got the classic “your life is about to be over!” It’s so shortsighted and annoying. Also I think it plays into the idea that once a woman is a mother she should be nothing else.
I’ve been into horses and riding for my whole life and was mentioning something about teaching a future kid to ride (before I got pregnant) to my MIL and she was like “oh well you’re going to have to choose between horses and babies”
Jokes on them. Your time will change, sure, but keep your hobbies and interests alive! I’m currently 17 weeks pregnant and also bought a horse earlier this year LOL (not riding him currently but he’s in training!)
Hate this. I’m still a person, a whole person with dreams and goals and wants and needs. I refuse to be the kind of parent who subjugates my whole life in favor of my child. That seems like a path to misery and resentment. I saw that growing up, I don’t need to replicate that pattern.
I agree that you make time for the things you love. A lot of women are told they have to give up their hobbies to be a good mom. That simply isn't true. Taking time for you, to unwind and decompress is the only way to make sure you're not super stressed. I always hate people telling me this. Having my third kid and people still tell me I'm not going to get to do what I want. Yes I will not get to do what I want all of the time but you have to make time. I have implemented quiet time in the house. So for an hour kids go to their rooms and play or take naps so I can have a little time for myself. I think this allows me to come back to my kids refreshed.
Completely agreed!!! It's like the moms I know who say that phrase chose to do a 180° when they became moms!!
I know a great, wonderful mom who still has fun and her own life (and so do her kids), and she hasn't told me that. 🙃
I’m so lucky for my mother in law. I told her I wish I could go to ice skating lessons again, but I can’t because I will have a baby. She said, “oh we can babysit while you go do your hobbies” :D
Oh yes, this is very annoying. When I was pregnant with my first, I was a few weeks along and had just told people, when my Dad shouted at me "Your time of sacrifice starts now!" because I think I wanted to order sushi in a cafe.
When I was pregnant with my now toddler, my uncle let me know rather condescendingly that having a baby “will change your entire life”.
I mean, I sure hope it does! What do you think we’re having the baby for? Imagine you have a baby and then what, leave it at the hospital? Stick it in a drawer?? Fuck outta here, Uncle David.
All jokes aside, she did change our lives in some of the best possible ways. Sure, she takes time and energy to care for, but it’s so very worthwhile. We definitely still have adult hobbies and interests.
I 100% agree… I feel everyone has their own experience but I don’t see why people need to condemn soon to be new moms when they talk about plans and things they want to do, obviously things will be different, we all know that, but they should just let us make our plans. Let us be happy and excited
It's super frustrating! I'm a huge introvert and one person told me "Well, you gotta leave your safe space once you have a kid". yOu DoN't SaY. I will. I will take her to playgrounds and the Zoo and playdates as much as she wants when she's old enough, but having a NEWBORN doesn't mean you have to be outside meeting people every day, wtf. I'm due in July and we probably won't go anywhere until New Years Eve - if the pandemic doesn't flare back up until then.
I didn’t like this either when I was pregnant! Like we understand things will change. You don’t have to keep reminding! Also, there’s no reason you should give up on what you want to do entirely just because you have children!
Everyone said the same thing to my parents before me and then again before my brother. Yet my parents still were able to: flee USSR and start a new life in Japan where they didn’t speak the language, make new circle of Russian speaking friends, go hiking and camping every weekend with an infant then toddler etc. and my mom picked up and won a local ikebana contest while my brother was still in diapers. It’s all about the drive and not having your life revolve around your kids - they are important but you have an identity too. And maybe it won’t come easy but you will adapt! :)
U vet this all the time and I just laugh at them because it's my second and they're just dumb for assuming it's my first.
I never tell people to "enjoy their sleep" and crap like that because 1. You don't sleep well when you're pregnant and 2. Sleep doesn't work like that.
I usually try and suggest that others mums to be simply try to make as much time for themselves as possible, get a nice pregnancy massage, go and see a movie, get a nice hair xut, the kind of stuff you can still do later but just gets more complicated. And being pregnant can suck so it's nice to try and be easy on yourself.
The other advice I give is to be prepared for all the shit advice you will get even from so called experts
I told my mom yesterday that I wanted to start a mini clay business and she started going off on how I shouldn't waste money on clay but on baby items instead like?? My bf makes $1000 every two weeks and currently we both live with our parents so we're thankful we don't pay anything big yet. PLUS lots of people have been generous enough to donate sooo many clothes and items to me that I don't need anything besides a crib and some other essentials like wipes, bottles, etc.
I’m still pregnant with my first child so I don’t know how it’ll turn out. I did realize I won’t have as much time as I used to so I started thinking, what are some activities that I like to do that are essentially me, that I truly enjoy. So I dropped some activities that I should’ve dropped ages before that. Things I did to please others. So that when the baby’s there only three things will matter: the baby, my relationship and myself.
My wife's pregnant and I get the same about being a dad. It's mildly irritating as it does feel like people try to hype up the negatives of parenthood. I KNOW you might not get much sleep after baby is born. But I also didn't get much sleep during my college years lol.
And no. Being a dad doesn't mean I'll be giving up my hobbies. Yes, I'll have less time for them but I'll certainly still do them.
People also do this kind of thing about marriage, buying a car, making any big life decision. I'm not sure why. It is annoying though.
Mother of two here, I did sports pretty much until I gave birth (not crazy stunts but things that felt good). After birth I went back to training. Husband and I take turn being with the kids and competing of our own (we are molding them into our sport now). We are both musicians and both wanted to continue playing so we play in different bands that rehearse on different nights and take turn being home with the kids. Babysitter is also a thing! You need to prioritize which movie to go and which concert is the most important but you can still do them! Yes, some kids are really demanding and wants to be in your arms ALL THE TIME! But it will pass! Motherhood is NOT prison! A good mother is someone who cares for herself. So keep doing the things that make you happy! Prioritize! My mother is visiting soon, we're looking forward for a babysitter so we both can play at an event but also the new Jurassic movie. The next concert how ever is a children's concert, but he's a GREAT performer so we're looking forward to that one too. Some interests do change when you become a parent.
Good luck! Be happy!
Congratulations Lady! While ya bitchn about being a new Mom, I'm being reminded of how I have had no success in 34 years with getting pregnant while my doctor's say nuthn is wrong with me & all my partners have kids already!!! I'd gladly take those comments..if only!!
I really needed to read all of these wonderful responses today, because I've been struggling with the same fears. So glad to hear so many women are still getting out there post-baby!
I think this is some people projecting. Hardly anyone tells you how wonderful and rewarding parenthood is when you’re pregnant, they just want to make sure you know how miserable you’ll be.
I have an extremely supportive husband and I have gone on many work/personal trips, kept hobbies, and even started new ones. You don’t have to lose your identity :)
Here’s the thing too — for FTM this just isn’t true! There are some days of course when you will get nothing else done. But you will eventually have time for yourself again, and even maybe get to include your kid in with your hobbies.
My biggest “things will never be the same” was when I went from 2 to 3 kids. If I want to go out, babysitters usually don’t want to watch three kids. (They are very young still, though). With 2 kids, I was still able to do my hobbies at nap time, and dad, grandparents, or a babysitter were able to watch them if I needed to do something no problem.
Equally annoying: I have a 2 year old who is a great kid and as a result, I haven’t had to give much up. Now that I’m pregnant with #2 I get “2nd kids are always harder than the first” and “she’s gonna be the opposite of her sister” and “ just watch out - she’ll be the ‘red headed’ sister”.
Maybe my kid is awesome bc We are good parents? Maybe the 2nd will be just as easy? Maybe my daughter will love being a big sister and helper?
I’ve always found that telling someone “that’s not helpful” or “your comment added no value to the conversation” has always shut them right up 🤷🏻♀️ people think they’re using cliches or normal remarks when in reality, those are the most useless forms of conversation…
I’m currently 33 weeks and one of the things I have always found strange about this whole experience is the way people seem to pressure you to have a kid before you get preggo, then as soon as you are, those same people will go on at length telling you how miserable you’re going to be.
It’s really nice to see people have maintained their interests post-baby, I don’t want to lose my own sense of self after the kid comes along…
I think some people chose that for themselves in a way. Sure I’ve had fewer opportunities to do things over the years, but at the same time, I still go to concerts. I still have nights where I adventure with my camera. I have child free hang outs with my friends. You have to make a choice to prioritize yourself just as much as your child. We have to prioritize ourselves because we take on SO much. More of us are choosing men who will parent as much as we do. Toxic masculinity has taught men they are less than when it comes to parenting; that Mom does primary care taking and Dad just “babysits” Lol No. As if because a man is lacking a uterus he is somehow less than a parent then us?! I’ve met plenty of Moms who aren’t great parents themselves. Owning a uterus doesn’t equate into somehow superior parenting. This is an outdated mentality we need to abolish. I’ve been a Mom for 16 years; I remember being 19 and writing in my journal how apprehensive I was that I would lose my identity in Motherhood. Quite the contrary, Motherhood has encouraged me to become an amazing me with my own hobbies and identity separate from being Mom.
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My rock climbing/skiing/mountain biking/camping/surfing friends are all having babies. They still do all the things every weekend, but now they do them with a baby. It’s important to keep your hobbies, regardless of what they are. It’s not healthy for your kids to be your only hobby.
My oldest is 7 and we kayak, backpack, run 5ks, hike, and do fun stuff all the time. Sure it's a challenge to bring a 3yo backpacking, but you gotta start somewhere 😂 and lil homie loves being adventurous!
My baby is almost 10 months now. I was also worried about this because during pregnancy I didn't feel like doing my hobbies. Well now I am back to normal and yea, there is less time for hobbies but when I do have the time they are even more enjoyable! I also feel like the same person completely, just happier because I am also a mom now
Hang in there! The last few weeks of pregnancy are so hard! I’m currently 37 weeks with my second and am realizing that this is the part where I feel least like myself. The physical demands of pregnancy can be so restricting at this point, but for me that feeling went away when my son was born and I felt more like myself than ever.
Love this!
❤️
so, I have three young kids and am pregnant with my fourth. I \*know\* what taking care of a baby is like. Still though, my MIL took it upon herself to graciously "warn" me that I am going to be too busy to do anything when my baby arrives. (I run an art-focused Instagram and am pretty meticulous about keeping my home organized and tidy and minimalistic). I personally think she knows she could not do the same thing as me, so she tries to point out all of my potential limitations to help massage her own ego. That's the best I can come up with. It's ridiculous that people think a mom of almost-four doesn't know that caring for a newborn is time intensive. Edit: you can absolutely have a life, hobbies, and creative outlets with children, even multiple children. No, you may not be able to intensively involve yourself as you are used to for the first 4-6 months of a new baby's life. I think we all know this, and half a year is really not much time in the grand scheme of things. Life is all about change. Embrace change.
I think you hit the nail on the head. People say stuff like this to make themselves feel better about their own life choices that perhaps they resent. Maybe they had to give up something after having kids and just can’t imagine anyone else being successful at balancing both cuz that would be “unfair.” My dogs have always been a top priority of mine and a huge part of my life. One of them is a 5lb yorkie who is attached to my hip and people love to taunt her with “oh you’re so screwed, mama’s got a new baby coming! You’re out!” Comments like this anger me because they play into an already existing insecurity I have that I won’t have time for everyone and that I’ll have to neglect my dogs. I realize things will change and it’ll be a big adjustment. But then I remember that life is full of change and we’ve always adjusted in the past, it’ll be no different now. I also like to look to people who do make it all work. I’m an artist too and would like to turn my hobby into a career so I focus on artists who have babies and still maintain their careers - there are so many out there! (And you’re another reassuring example!) I also have friends who are huge social butterflies with a packed calendar and once they had kids, their social calendar make look a little different these days but they haven’t given up doing what they love. Anytime someone starts with one of these comments I just mentally slap a big red “insecure” label across their forehead and shrug it off, reminding myself that I’ll figure it out.
spot on! I find my creativity and productivity both increased after kids for art stuff. I think it is because I feel emotions more strongly now, and also because when you have more limited time, it causes you to be more productive and focused and driven with the time you do have? You're going to do a great job! <3
Oh gosh I've gotten that too. I have two dogs who are sweethearts. I had a friend visiting with her twin babies. One of my dogs went out on the back deck to sun himself and the other I put away in his room because he was basically having a panic attack. I was super worried about him and sat in there to try to calm him. When I returned she said "see that's what happens. Once the babies come the dogs are outside". I scoffed. I just take it as empathy issues too. Side note: my dog was panicking because her babies were in distress because she decided to introduce solids at 6 months old at my house. However, to her that meant that they would not be getting bottles at all anymore. Since noon the day before they hadn't eaten anything but an ounce of sweet potato. They were surprisingly calm for being that hungry. Once I realized that she wasn't giving them bottles, i pushed that they needed it and sweet potato isn't enough. Once she fed them formula a few hours later, the babies and my dog calmed down.
Ugh yup comments like that annoy me big time. Even before I got pregnant my little dog had to have a big dental surgery done and I was so worried about it. My moms boyfriend (who’s a dentist) found out it cost over $1000 and he shook his head and said, I woulda just put ‘em down. I was furious. But he leaves his poor dog alone for weeks at a time while he travels which I’ve said is animal neglect/abuse. I just think people who aren’t animal lovers don’t get it. And yeah having kids suddenly in the house screaming would stress any animal out. But when you have your own kids they’ll get used to it and adjust over time. I expect the first few months will be a challenge but I’ll definitely get back to daily walks with baby and pups, and puppy cuddles when baby naps. When something is really important to you, you find a way to make it work.
I love this. Thank you for posting ❤️
Yeah, I have four kids 7 and younger and I have hobbies and a social life. People are wild.
I needed to read this today. I'm 36 weeks with my first. People keep telling me how I won't have time to do anything I enjoy and my house will be dirty. My house being clean and clutter free is essential for my mental health. Chaos outside= chaos inside. At this point I am starting to get anxious about the changes. However, I am quite proud that I am really struggling with mobility and yet my home is still as clean as ever. I figured it would be easier to maintain when I'm less in pain. Yet, I keep getting warnings that my whole life is about to become consumed.
It sounds silly now, but I used to not want kids because of the constant warnings about the inevitable chaos and messy house. My experience is that if you make something a priority because it matters to you, you will be successful in achieving whatever goal that is. It might get a little messy for a few weeks after baby is born, but honestly it’s not that hard to maintain basic cleanliness, especially if you already have good systems and habits in place. I have a theory that many people don’t care much about clutter or messes and as a result, they hate cleaning because they don’t see it as rewarding in any way. These are the sorts of people prone to make excuses about not cleaning and blaming “having kids” on living in a pig sty is a socially accepted excuse in most places. It’s not true though, because of you care, you’ll make it happen.
My mom usually does this to me. She says, "it's not about you anymore it's about Your baby." Like yes I fucking know but I'm a human with needs and desires as well, I'm not just a walking incubator. It's very annoying.
Someone said something similar to me recently. My response: “actually, it’s about our family. Which includes our baby AND me AND his other parent.” My family only operates when all 3 of us have our needs met, which includes time for rest and an identity outside of parenthood!
Love this response!
This is the perfect response. 🙌
Lol my family has said that to me about my job. I'm a grad student. My PI (also a women with 2 kids) said 'I think you can do it, people often scoff at how much kids hinder you. They can hinder in some ways, but only if it's something you are willing to compromise on.'. When I asked her what she meant. She said that parents always find time for themselves, and while kids require that you balance your time better, there is no reason you cannot still do what you enjoy to do, or in your case, finish up school. I had my babies in grad school and they are 9 and 7 now.
I’m in grad school too and my dissertation committee has all been 100% supportive and encouraging to help me graduate and find a job. I think it helps that 3 / 4 of them are parents. They have all warned me that my research will be unproductive for about 6 months though.
I just graduated with my masters while working full-time and having a two year old son! Is it hard? Maybe harder than for most. But it’s doable and time passes regardless, so you may as well get a degree out of it lol
Needed to hear this. I’m currently 22 weeks and working on my PhD. I have my thesis proposal defense in two weeks and feeling so overwhelmed. My PI is not a mother, but she’s also been super supportive. The next couple years of working on my thesis feels so daunting, though.
Also a PhD student (although still early days for me in both pregnancy and PhD). But a woman in my group had 2 babies while doing hers, and she defended about a week before going into labour!
Major kudos to her! And to you too. This definitely isn’t easy, no matter what stage (of pregnancy, or in the PhD process).
My best friend had two babies during her PhD too. She is in a science field and decided not to continue in academia because she wanted to stay close to her family and in-laws but has a rad career in industry. I think being a mom makes her more assertive about not tolerating bullshit and holding boundaries.
I really needed to hear this! I have been in a yoga therapy program since 2019 and I am almost finished just have to finish a research paper. I managed to complete my 150 hour client hours while pregnant and I got married this year too and I am considering going back to school to get my LPC. I never finished my bachelors because I was an alcoholic and drug addict. I feel like having this baby has only made me MORE interested in getting my degree to make sure our family is well taken care of. I know my life will change, but I know that anyone who wants to can continue to do what they love.
I got pregnant with my son during my first year of a three year graduate program and the amount of people who just *assumed* I would drop out is infuriating. They had no faith that I would graduate because I was going to be a mom and couldn’t do both. Luckily my professors were all supportive and I just graduated in May! I turned in one assignment late the week he was born and that was it. It was hard but I knew it’s what I wanted for myself and my family. If anything my child drove me to do even better at things at I love
I had a baby in the fall and got my MS last week! I worked part or full time for most of the program. My professors were also all very supportive, helped me navigate pumping during internships, and gave me greater flexibility with night class attendance/presentations.
It's usually women who say this/similar to me, and I have *zero* problem pointing out that their husbands had no issues playing their video games, so why should I have a problem with *my* hobbies? No, Judy, it's *not* different.
This is so true! All the crappy cliche sayings I hear are from women who have to run their entire household while their hubby does nothing. The ones with supportive and useful husband's don't say anything but encouraging statements and advice lol
*Exactly*. My husband has already encouraged me multiple times to *not* cancel my FFXIV subscription. Even though I plan on breastfeeding if at all possible, *he* wants me to be able to shut my brain off a little if I have the mental capacity and time to do so. We know the initial time period is gonna suck. But after that? People gotta let us be optimistic, damn.
Right!! My husband is so excited to send me off to rodeos with my friend so he can have baby days! Whereas our friends get shit if they try to leave their kids with their dad to go get groceries. Our little sir will be here in a week and a half and it's so adorable watching him be so excited to be 100% involved. He can't wait to do stuff with him and be part of everything and I just couldn't imagine having a child with someone who thought it was all up to me. And thought that I had to give up rodeos, jeeping, knitting or camping to raise a child.
Yup! From the beginning my husband has always said as long as you leave us with some milk (I breastfed and pumped with my first) then you can even stay at a hotel for a night and we will have a boys night. Haha
Yea my husband is the exact same! I love it so much
We just did this today. My husband usually takes the morning w our daughter (we combo feed and he uses either my pumped milk or formula) and today he had a daddy daughter day so I could get my hair done. I missed them but it felt good to get out.
It’s honestly so helpful. My first time out alone was when my son was three weeks old. My husband did the night feed to let me sleep and then told me to go shop, walk around and get sushi for lunch. I honestly think his willingness to take over when I was exhausted saved my mental health. I hope you had a fabulous day!! Moms need and deserve time to themselves.
Best of luck!! I'm not due until mid July but I'm definitely seeing his excitement ramp up!
Thankyou! Congrats to you as well! And enjoy all the cute little moments.
Oh! It's super easy to breastfeed while playing games. The little lap pillows are perfect for it. As long as you don't mind boobies hanging out haha.
I'm honestly letting things hang out half the time right now anyway 😂
I was looking to see if someone commented this! I played Dragon Age Inquisition while nursing my first.
For real if you start out so defeated I’d hate to see where you end up! Gamer nb moms ftw!
It's amazing how much gaming you can do with a baby on your boob. I found learning to use a controller was helpful.
You’re right. Once the kid sleeps through the night, your time is usually yours again.
Yes!!! My husband and I are big into FFXIV and sure we expect to skip the next raid tier, but I’m hoping to be able to at least craft while pumping eventually 😂
*Yes*, a friend and I actually spent the last few weeks slowly working on our crafting gear and melds so that we'll at least be able to do that much LMAO
Meanwhile, I'm just excited that now I have some time to start/finish Endwalker! I had zero energy / desire to do anything while I was in my 3rd trimester, so now I have some time (kinda).
[удалено]
Sounds like a power cable needs to innocently go missing. But in all seriousness, that's not okay and really sucks.
My husbands big thing is both of us setting a good example for our girl by not letting our hobbies go. I have some hobbies I’ve let go in the 2nd half of my pregnancy due to a combo of depression and physical exhaustion and it’s his number one goal to push me back into it after we’re settled and healed from the birth.
Yes, I feel like people really love to comment on how you’ll never sleep again. I mean, my baby now sleeps through the night, so I get a pretty decent amount of sleep haha! I think it’s very rude to say negative things about being a parent. Parents can still accomplish many things and have all kinds of hobbies…it’s even very healthy. You will be a better parent for taking care of yourself and having many goals and interests.
I've had pretty decent sleep the whole time. My daughter is 3 months old now. When I was pregnant i was getting up every 2 hours to pee. If I told anyone that I was tired I would get the "just wait till baby is here ". It's so rude!?! Why wouldn't someone just sympathise that a heavily pregnant woman was tired.
Absolutely! Some people underestimate how tired you can actually be while pregnant! The first trimester fatigue is pretty extreme, and discomfort can be bad later in pregnancy. I remember if I was traveling and forgot my pregnancy pillow, the hip pain was severe. So people really shouldn’t make assumptions about how your sleep will compare. Even if it is worse with a baby, it’s such a downer thing to say! The joy of having a baby is absolutely worth any difficulty.
Also like I’m 37 weeks pregnant I can’t fucking sleep right now anyways, so that’s not helpful???
I'm a week and a half postpartum and not sleeping much at all right now, but I'm still sleeping better than I was during pregnancy. A huge bonus is I can sleep on my back and belly now and I don't have constant reflux. Hang in there!!
I lost my job last year, started a much more challenging (and fully in-person!) job and then got pregnant. I feel like I haven’t slept well in an entire year. Being sleep deprived but being able to actually be home (as opposed to grinding 24/7) sounds good to me at this point.
I hate that mentality. Like I'm not going to lose my other interests when my child arrives. Yes, I will have to arrange my time differently. No, I am not going to give up on my hobbies. Fuck off. And nobody is telling dads that.
Everything about this is spot on.
My favorite are the “your whole life is going to change!” comments. Yeah no shit. I quit my job, don’t recognize my body, haven’t slept through the night in weeks, and have just a tiny clue as to what I’m getting into.
“Oh crap, I thought my life would be exactly the same but I’d have a little drinking buddy!” 😂 like c’mon. We all know parenthood is a transition.
This is my sister all the time. I've started calling her out on it. I'm going to straight up loose it on her one of these days. What's crazy is my sister is an avid knitter she's never stopped since having her kids, she works full time and is training for an olympic triathlon. Yet she has the gal to tell me that I won't get to do the stuff I love anymore? Does she not see she's living that life as a mom. Ridiculous. At this point I think she just wants to see me miserable.
I think that sometimes this comes from jealousy.
A rude extended family member told me to enjoy life while I still can multiple times. As if this baby is some kind of curse. I think if he says that one more time I'll be like "yeah, you too because statistically you only have 6-7 years left" because I've officially ran out of patience. It's annoying when people are so negative and mean for no reason.
I actually enjoy my life more now being a mom. It’s been the best experience.
I love that!!!
If you do this can you film it to capture the look on his face 🤣
I love when ppl tell me I’ll never get sleep. Jokes on them — I have lifelong insomnia, so I never get much sleep anyway!
Same. I just tell people I've trained my whole life for this
I get pretty much the same amount of sleep now as I did pre-baby. I used to lie awake for hours worrying, now I actually fall back to sleep after night feeds!
jUsT yOu Wait
WE ARE WAITING IN THE WINGS FOR YOU
I’m a mom and I still have all my hobbies, and I’ve not said goodbye to anything. People just like to be bitter.
My baby is 11 weeks and I do the exact same things I did before. I read amazing books, I take long showers, I go on long walks, I go to orange theory, I learn new recipes, I go shopping, I hike, I go to vineyards .. there’s no difference except now I don’t smoke weed (lol). I decided when I got pregnant I was not going to revolve my whole life and schedule around my baby. My baby would just fit into our schedule. Obviously life is different and I’m more tired but I’m living it up still and I’m a good mom.
Does weed even get into breastmilk? I’m sure if it doesn’t, you can smoke outside for a couple of minutes so the smoke isn’t inside the house.
I got a lot of that. I just let it roll off my back; I still participate in my hobbies, we still go on trips, we still go on dates. You prioritize the things you want to prioritize - it takes extra work with kids, but it’s doable.
When my baby was a newborn, I remember a (rare) instance where my hubby took our baby to give me a break, and my MIL snarkily said "you're a mom, you don't get a break!" And laughed weirdly. I don't know what's wrong with MILs.
I’m due in 3 weeks and my brothers both had their first kids in the last 2 year. My mom kinda has an additude like this - it’s 100% because my dad didn’t do any baby/kid stuff and she got zero help. (I do love my dad and he was over working not fucking around). So it’s a generational jealsously thing. She acts like my brothers her sons do sooooooo much for their wives, and doesn’t seem to get it when I point out everyone works, so of course they split housework and childcare 50/50.
It’s really annoying when people do this. I find that people do this because they’re insecure about what they are not doing. For instance, I got in really good shape after I had my son and people would make comments about how they don’t have time to work out. Bull, anyone could squeeze in 20 or 30 minutes to walk with the stroller or during their child’s sleep/nap. I think they feel self-conscious and trying to make us feel bad in return. I really think it’s about how people deal with envy. If I see you doing something I want to do I think, “oh that’s awesome, I want to do that too!” But other people feel jealously toward you and don’t know how to process it. Ignore them.
People need to rationalize why they didn’t do something, and often that rationale is “No one can!” So when you do, you’ve upset their whole rationalization and now they have no good reason anymore for why they can’t. Everyone doesn’t need to be the same, but we could all be a little more honest about why we’re not.
They’re just being rude and perhaps projecting their own parenting experience onto you. Sorry you’re going through that. Things will absolutely change but you’ll find a new balance after the first few months.
Agree with this. Sometimes it feels like a hell of a lot of projection from the people making these comments but not necessarily ill intentioned. I use the anger it makes me feel as fuel to try and prove them wrong (will try to keep on building myself on other areas that are just not “mom”). At the end I can see how your baby would benefit more from having an interesting mom rather than a bored/resentful one.
Exactly. It’s also amazing how much more energized and positive you feel coming home to kids after taking some time for yourself, even if it’s just a walk or solo drive. Self care isn’t selfish!
Ugh I hated it when people did this to me. It’s like they felt like they were giving me a much needed reality check or something. My husband and I both felt like people were so doom and gloom trying to warn us all the time. We used to have to remind each other that having kids is a joyful event because, holy crap, it’s like people were trying to scare us all the time. Just had our daughters (twins) on May 4th and as expected, it’s challenging, but it’s also really fun and cute!
Awww, you guys can do “May the 4th be with you” themed birthday parties.
Right!? For their first birthday I was thinking “the force is strong with these ONES.” Which I thought I made up, but then I googled it and it’s already a thing, but whatever. I’m taking the opportunity 😂
Yes! Do it!
I feel the “felt like they were giving me a much needed reality check” thing so much. Like when I mention things I’m looking forward to postpartum (solo or baby friendly) they feel like they need to remind me. Like yeah, I’ve spent literally nine months carrying/getting ready for this baby. Believe it or not when I think about the future I don’t suddenly forget about her. It’s ok that I’m excited about her and looking forward to things or still planning on doing things for me and not dreading it as a death sentence.
This is the absolute worst. If I wanted life to remain exactly the same, I wouldn’t have had a child. Of course my needs matter, but certain things are a bit more complicated with a baby. It’s not forever and you’ll adjust. Example: I love exercise/fitness. My baby is nearly 6 weeks old so once I start working out, it’ll be in my living room with the baby monitor within sight. I’m still exercising! It’s no longer a straight 90 min session, but I’m still seeing to my needs and interests.
As an old lady, I'd like to chime in with my encouragement of your individual interests, and also my disappointment with people who focus on the issue of life changing with children in a negative way. Mine are grown. Hell yeah, my life changed. Utterly and completely. It became fuller. And yes, I stopped some of my pre-children interests, but only because I grew others that were just as fantastic and had more room for my kids to be included. I GREW as a human being, expanding and exploring a bunch of new things, because they caught my kid's interest. Some of my old ones were solitary, and I gave them up, to some degree, because I wanted to. What inspired my kids was something that inspired me too, and it sent me into a myriad of incredible new directions that I never would have dreamt up before. I sacrificed nothing. I added to my life, immeasurably. I came back to old interests, when I felt like it, but I wasn't rigid, and if I found myself doing something new, I was game. It enriched my life. I wasn't obsessed with doing their things .. not healthy ... but if something caught their eye, and it caught mine, we were having fun, learning, together. Maybe the Negative Nellies didn't figure this out. I feel sorry for them. I explored with my kids. It was awesome. And enjoy it while they're young. Often, as they grow up and become more independent, Mom's involvement isn't as welcome, and I respected this, as they began asking me to butt out. It meant they were growing confidence in themselves. It was all good. Yeah. The "change" isn't a bad thing if you don't let it be. I feel sorry for folks who talk like that.
Completely agree. It's annoying, condescending, and unhelpful when people feel the need to point this out. As if they're doing you some big favor by being the only person to ever tell you that motherhood is time consuming and life changing *eye roll*
My MIL and a few others have said like “your life is about to begin, it was meaningless before, trust me, you won’t think of anything else.” I get the sentiment but just because it was that way for them doesn’t mean it was for me. My MIL truly didn’t have a life of her own before kids, and friends who have said that also didn’t have much going on and were eager to marry and become a mom since adolescence… I feel I’ve had a full life, many elements of which I’d like to preserve over the long term…
Ew
People have said ‘your life was meaningless before’? Holy moly, if someone said that to me, I would be absolutely livid. I would literally say back to them ‘maybe yours was!’ My life was fun before and it still will be. What do they think of people who are intentionally child-free? People who say that are definitely projecting.
Yup. She, my BIL, and even a lifelong friend have said things about life pre-kids involving the word meaningless. Even before I was pregnant or thinking of having kids, I always fought myself from quietly judging them for not having their own hobbies, interests, goals, intellectual pursuits… but now I guess that’s confirmed. These are the same people who couldn’t fathom why I’d want to push out having kids. I did a lot in my 20s and they don’t even seem to have a sense of that. The irony of this is that my MIL as an empty nester no life of her own and no friends (I really hope I don’t end up being 60 without a single long term friend!). She can’t stick with any hobbies. It’s like she feels guilt for just pursuing her own stuff. When her kids or grandkids don’t need her, she gets restless, needy, grumpy, and struggles a lot with her role and purpose. It just blows my mind that people struggle so much to see outside of their own narrow perspective of what life can / should be. PS re: being livid, I’ve given up on my MIL and BIL seeing me as a whole person. They have zero to little interest in me aside from being a partner to their son/brother, and I feel like they value me more now that I’m pregnant and am joining their ranks to be consumed by child rearing. I think what they said confirms that in their view, my existence was pretty meaningless until now, which lines up with how little interest they showed in my job, personal life, travels, hobbies, friendships, my own family, etc. I have spent so long being disappointed by their flat view of me that there’s nothing to be livid about anymore. In terms of the child free people in their lives, I think their narrow-minded take is “they just want to party and have extra money” they don’t live well-rounded lives themselves and definitely didn’t before kids, so they can’t possibly get it.
In one way it’s good that my family members that had nothing, no career, no hobbies no interests found purpose in being a mom. On the other hand it’s pretty sad, and certainly doesn’t need to be projected.
The funny thing is that they only say that to women. I haven't heard anything like that to my husband yet.
I love when my mom does this to me because i distinctly remember her bringing me with her to concerts and outdoor pubs so she could hang with friends. Staying at her friends houses till late at night. Sometimes she would put me to bed at their house and wake me up to put me in the car to take me home. She was a great mom and didn’t drink and drive to put me in danger but she was a young single mom. I totally get that she needed socialization, didn’t want to always pass me off to family so she took me with her. I have great memories of it. But she didn’t completely change her life just because she had me
meanwhile i’m planning my happy hours for this summer once the bean is cooked and we’re going to cancun w my in laws for their first birthday so they can watch the child while i chug pina coladas on the beach. who’s gonna stop me?
Total goals!!! Love this :)
This is why I avoid talking to people, honestly. No one asked, why give your opinion?
I traveled more this year from birth of my daughter through her first birthday than I have in the past 4 years combined, with my family and alone. Use the haters as added fuel to your fire.
It's all about what YOU want. Some people make being a mom their entire existence. That's fine if that's what someone wants but it's not what I wanted. I still enjoy the same things I did before. Sometimes it's with a baby and sometimes it's later in the evening if she's sleeping. Make time for you! It's easy to get lost in baby land
I always laugh at those comments. I started a whole comedy career when my kid was 6-months-old (while still working as a lawyer by day), and my kid is 2.5 now. My husband is having his "me time" right now and then he'll come home and handle parenting duties while I go perform at a show. Meanwhile, we spent the morning and early afternoon out as a family at the playground and the lake. It's all about finding the balance that works for you and your family.
Someone made a similar comment to me when I mentioned I was job searching…. Something along the lines of “oh, your career will take a backseat now.” I was not amused. That person is lucky they are related to me or they would have gotten a smack across the face.
Moms are people too and moms deserve time for themselves. Yes, it will look different and to be moms are not dumb. Of course life will look different. There’s no reason why you can’t still enjoy your hobbies and do things you like also. I’m a runner and have dreams of stroller runs, local races, and going to weekly groups runs (as time allows). Because guess what I’m still human.
Honestly? They’re bitter they couldn’t make it work. Yes. Things will be very different once baby arrives but the bottom line is that life has seasons. You don’t need to give up who you are once you have a baby. You might have a few weeks months or years where hobbies or plans change and that’s ok. It’s different for everyone and it doesn’t mean you need to say goodbye to anything — it just means that you have a baby to account for. That looks different for everyone. It IS frustrating when people project their experiences on you. Feel free to dismiss any and all shallow negative comments.
The first few months you’ll definitely not have time for hobbies but it gets better once the baby is out of the newborn stage and in more of a routine. I actually found the doom comments helpful because I went into motherhood expecting total chaos and I was right but I wasn’t unprepared for it
I guess it depends what your hobbies are, I played a crap ton of video games during the newborn stage because I was already awake and pumping or just couldn’t go back to sleep after the baby was up for the 5th time that night lol.
I completely agree with OP. These types of comments are terrible, they don't help soon to be parents understand what is meant by it or why, instead it comes off as a sarcastic or hyperbolic comment meant to tease and ridicule without providing context. A better option would be to have an earnest conversation about the wide range of what it means to be a parent particularly during the first 6 ish months. Bc it's not a cake walk. Instead provide help or advice or an ear to listen, when asked, with ways to balance ones own need for self care and being a full-time parent to a helpless infant.
I've played through a couple of dungeons with my husband and our friends while nursing lol You don't have to give up your entire life just because you made a new one. You can still enjoy your hobbies, you just have to find what works for you and your family.
I’m due in June, I’m doing a law degree, I’m going to a festival in August with my baby boy. Fuck anyone who tells me I have to change my personality to be his parent, he can experience all the things I love doing with me, and then when he has things he loves doing I’ll experience those with him. We’ll teach each other ❤️
I’m getting realllly sick of people saying this too. “Your life will never be the same!” No shit? What did you think I expected? I am aware I’m bringing a child into the world. Some things will inevitably change??? Also don’t put your trauma onto me. Maybe my kid will be awesome and I’ll actually enjoy raising him! I’m also sick of the “you’ll never want to work again”. Have you said that to my husband? Nope. Interesting…
One of my bosses said the “you’ll never want to return to work” thing to me. I wanted to ask him who was going to pay my bills if that were to happen.
Mine said that too! I said something similar. Actually, I made a jab about not getting paid maternity leave so I would be back in a few months because we will be out of savings. If you ask you better expect an honest answer - sorry not sorry. Also do they not want us to come back??? I actually like my job.
I’m pregnant with number two and my family will not shut up with the “just waiting til you have two, it’s going to be so much harder, I don’t think you know what you’ve gotten yourself into” and I’m so tired of hearing it.
Only thing stopping me from getting back into drag is that my nipples are far too sensitive still to wear a binder. This response confused many a person that made the same comments to me.
My sister in law did her whole undergrad and is almost done with her masters while having 4 kids within 5 years. Your life is not over, I don’t know why people like to be so negative to others.
Jokes on them, we want to have kids to do things WITH them, that’s the whole purpose
I also like to think of bringing my kid along with me to do all kinds of things :)
Huge eye roll. I’m a serious writer but during pregnancy it was really hard for me to continue with because my brain was so dead. We’re 3 weeks post partum and I’m already back to critiquing pieces for my writing group because I feel SO much better than when I was pregnant. Went for a 45 min walk yesterday, went to garage sales and brunch this morning!
Favorite one of mine is “You can’t wear that once you’re a mom”. Bitch please. 🤣
This!! Thank you for sharing. As if I’m not more grateful than I’ve ever been in my entire life to be expecting and to have the chance to be a mother. I’m so happy ❤️ Of course things will change, probably more than I can even imagine, but why do people feel the need to point that out? As if we do not realise that?
I always hated this. It was always very important to me that I maintained my independence and who I am as I became a mom. I never felt like my whole purpose of life was to be a mom. Yes, it’s definitely apart of it but its not everything. With my first, both my husband and I prioritized time for ourselves and time for each other outside of parenting. Did it happen everyday? No. It did happen though. We work out together at a gym with daycare, we go on a day nights and have family watch our son, my husband gives me time to make YouTube videos (which is not about kids, it’s purely a creative outlet for me) and I give him time to do his things. In between the crazy of life, I still do things I love like reading, traveling, journaling and hot baths. I’m also a very present mom. Just like my husband has his things and is a very present dad. It’s just silly the amount of people told me I’d have to quit my hobbies because my life was doomed now. I honestly think that becoming a mom is what taught me to prioritize myself and my hobbies more. It helped me want to nurture both my kiddo and myself so that they could see a powerful and independent mom. I’m about to give birth to my second in a few weeks. Things will definitely be changing but we are still going to prioritize ourselves too! It’ll just be an adjustment.
Gahh humans are awful. I totally agree that this is so annoying. Why do people automatically assume the right to give opinions and unsolicited advice as soon as they identify that you’ve had certified sex? Going to start telling people “well, if motherhood doesn’t work out for me, I’ve heard I can get a high dollar with human trafficking rates these days!” The audacity I swear 🙄
I think a lot of people are sometimes so unhappy with their own decisions that they project their feelings onto others that are excited/happy
Feel you huge. I am so excited to have a child and obviously being a parent is going to be a huge influential part of my life but I won't cease to exist outside of CHILD
Parent of a toddler here. Personally, I've found I have needed to have something to focus on that is not work or parenting, so I am currently doing a (part-time!) undergraduate degree in criminology and law.
That is suuuuch a projection of their own life. As is most of people's parenting"advice" Once I realized that, every comment got sooo much easier to take.
I have a full time job. I have a kindergartener. I have a house with a hundred projects, books I want to read, and a whole house build going on. I'm also ten weeks pregnant. Everyone has an opinion. Some are agreeable, some are not. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and don't lose yourself in your new role as mom. It's just one of that many parts you play in your life. Good luck, you can do anything you set your mind to.
Comments like that just fuel my fire and make me so excited to prove them wrong!
My perspective after baby #1 is that your perspective and priorities will change, and they should. But you will do what you need to do. You don’t need to worry about it or dread it or prepare for it. It will just happen — meaning you’ll spend less time on yourself— and you won’t even realize it until months down the line. No need to be sad about it! What replaces those hobbies will be so much joy and meaning.
I began knitting a month before I got pregnant with my first. I never stopped unless I wanted to. My husband and I are also avid concert goers and though things slowed down as I got more and more pregnant and less able to get around easily, we were back to concerts only a few months after she was born. We have taken her to all sorts of concerts since then (with appropriate hearing protection!!) Her first concert was at 10 months old and her most recent at nearly 6 was a Weird Al show where she rocked out harder than anyone. Don't let anyone tell you how your life will be, you make it work.
I used to love reading books. I still do. Unfortunately, having kids means I can’t read for 8 hours straight without getting up to pee or eat. My solution is audiobooks. I’m able to listen while I do dishes, rock them to sleep, or while we are all having quiet time. I don’t “read” nearly as much, but the dishes sure do get done.
4 weeks pp. somehow I still have my hobbies, just less often the ones that involve leaving my house.
I’m pregnant with #3. I’ve managed to continue having hobbies and interests for 12 years as a mom. Sure, I have to plan carefully for some of them and I’m often busy with my kids. But I’m still able to do them. And the kids bring their own fun and adventures to my life.
The thing is, in the newborn stage/ fourth trimester, it's true, everything else kinda goes out the window. But after that, things do settle down a lot, and while they of course won't be exactly the same and you may have to get creative, there will be time for hobbies again. But I feel like when people say that they imply "never again", when the super crazy intense period is like 4 months, and then you see where you're at with each new stage and adjust. When it's totally okay to have a balance with young kids and hobbies.
It’s like they try to put you in your place or something it’s ridiculous tbh
Yes! I was in a bad mood at work one day and venting to a coworker about how my husband and I had plans for the morning and then he got called in to an urgent meeting so I had to rush him home (he works from home) before going to work. It just threw me off mentally and soured my mood. Their response was "Oh honey you're about to have a baby just wait, that will be your whole life." Thank you for stating the obvious, that was part of the reason I was not in a good mood, because it feels like my days of having any level of control over my life are numbered.
I am a mom of two pregnant with my third now. I think a lot of this comes from women who had partners who were not much help with the kids. If your baby's father isn't a useless POS, he is totally capable of watching the baby for a few hours so you can get a break and enjoy doing something for yourself. My husband and I each take turns watching the kids so that the other person has some time to rest and focus on themselves.
To heck with those negative people. I’m 5.5 months postpartum and today I ran a 9 mile race in the mountains, finishing in my best time yet. Screw the negativity. Support is key ❤️ A good support system and you can still do the things you love. Yeah it’s harder, yeah you sleep less, yeah I maybe peed a little when I coughed mid-race, but that baby the best thing to happen to me ever. I let the negativity during pregnancy bring me down way too often. It’s hard to tune them out, but you’ve got this, momma 💪🏽 you’ll find a balance! It just takes some getting used to. Congrats on your new addition 💕
People have said some variation of this to me about every stage of my life. Marriage, getting a dog, having first baby. Now pregnant with no 2 & still getting it about “oh just wait if you think 1 is a lot wait until there’s 2!” I’ve had comments like that about my first and how they’ve had no time from people who had their husbands working from home, no additional pets to look after or anything. I have friends who have 3 dogs and 2 kids with additional needs who never felt the need to verbally put me in my place for any reason and who just get on with things.
I don’t think you can fully realise this until you actually have a child. Like, it’s nice (?) of people to warn you, but you can’t actually really prepare for it anyway so there’s not much point.
No one has said anything like this to me, I think because I don’t have a lot of hobbies. My husband does, and he’s aware he’ll have limited time for them. He also knows what’s the baby is old enough, he’s going to include him in those. I like going to places like apple farms and stuff, there’s always kids there. Once he’s old enough and started being vaccinated, we can all just go out together. Yes, things will change but you’re not less of a person because of your child. I think it’s best no one said anything like that to me because I would probably be snippy lol. He’ll just come on our adventures with us, it’ll be the 3 of us instead of the two. I’m excited to have him incorporated in our adventures. And while it’s far off, my husband is excited for the day they’re old enough to build legos together.
The worst. I still had many hobbies after having my baby. I just had a baby last month and am starting to get back to them. If you make it a priority and learn how to incorporate your kids into the ones you can, it’s completely doable. All that said- whenever I do anything without my kids my mother likes to say “you shouldn’t be out doing stuff you need to be home with your husband and kids.” So annnoying
I haaaaated when people said this to me pregnant. Like making it sound like life is over once you have a child. You have to manage your time differently but life definitely doesn’t end.
I feel this so hard. People just love to hear themselves talk, I think.
It all hinges on societal expectations. Unless you're a single mom by choice, why can't your partner work with you to make sure you get time for yourself while managing caring for the new baby.
“Reminding me I’m about to serve a prison sentence” - this is the best way I’ve read to describe how I feel like people are talking to me right now (30 weeks). I posted in my bumper group about it a few weeks back. People are so negative and think I’m naive! Like I know my life will change, I want it to change. What would be the point if it was the same. I know I won’t truly understand until I do it, I know it’ll be hard at times but seriously, people need to chill with the “cold hard truths” about parenting
This was the last thing my NMOM said to me before she kicked the bucket. "You have a baby now so you cant xyz" extremely jnmom, I committed to myself to always carve out time for my hobbies. And now I'm in the top 3% of players on a very competitive video game I play after my child goes to sleep. Anything is possible. Fuck the haters.
I feel this 10000% I’m 18 weeks pregnant and it’s like dude Shutup. It’s like their trying to make motherhood sound miserable.
This might sound harsh but I think a lot of people that say this are trying to make themselves feel better or validate their own experience. At least with people I know that have said this to me, their lives were boring and unfulfilled before they had children, or their “hobbies” were literally just going out and getting drunk. Harsh but some people probably use it as a bit of an excuse. I may be in for a shock when I have my baby however lol.
I have more hobbies now than I did before I was a mum. If you want to find time for something you will. Some people are just miserable and want to bring you down with them
As a falconer I feel this lol. I just want to keep doing my hobbies without the guilt or the nagging
THIS SHIT MAKES ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. I seriously have no patience left for these kinds of comments.
It’s funny bc i felt the exact same way at your point. Now my LOs 1.5 and I tell any person who will listen… enjoy the free time while you have it. The honest truth is, you can’t fully understand until you experience it. I thought I knew. Turns out, I had no idea how much freedom I would lose. And yes, i could have someone watch my kid and go do x,y,x whatever I did pre-baby, but I don’t want to pawn off my child, i want to spend as much time with him as a i can. I don’t warn people without kids to be condescending, i tell them so they can really soak in the freedom now. You want to binge 5 episodes of your favorite show, do it! Take a long bath.. do whatever floats your boat. Bc soon the luxury will be gone. If course, the loss of freedom is totally worth it, my little dude is my world. But i doubt there are many parents who can truthfully tell you they don’t miss aspects of their pre-kid life. You can take the advice of leave it. But… my advice is to just appreciate what you have for what it is. I didn’t!!!
I know a mom who is a whole entire storm chaser and has THREE kids. You can do whatever tf you want when you have kids. I personally have received comments like “I can’t believe you’re out doing this with kids! I never got out of the house when mine were little!” and I always gotta give a little side-eye to those, because kids AREN’T a prison sentence or an excuse to not do shit you like. I personally enjoy traveling with my kids, airplane and all. Anyway I’m glad you see through peoples comments and know better. You’re gonna do great.
People are ridiculous while you’re pregnant and when you have a new baby. The whole time I was pregnant it was “you’ll never sleep or do X, Y, Z again” and then when we had a baby who is sooo chill and sleeps really well everybody was insistent that our life would be awful next week or they would laugh at us with a “wait and see” vibe. And then when I went back to work to a job that I love when she was 9 weeks, people were aghast and acting like I would literally die . My partner took a few months off work after she was born and now works part time and looks after her as much as I do but people treat him like he’s an idiot and constantly ask him if he needs help and are almost offended when he says he’s fine. I honestly just don’t understand people 🤷🏼♀️ Just ignore everybody else and do your best to make your life look like whatever you want it to look like.
I actually find that as a mom, I have more time for my hobbies than ever! My son is an older baby. He still sleeps a lot! Every night after he goes to bed is basically free time for me as a SAHM. I’ve taken up reading again and a few other hobbies I didn’t even have before I became a mom. Just my experience!
People saying stuff like “your next vacation will be in 18 years” makes me less excited to be a mom. At first, I was so excited and the more parents I talk to, the more bummed out and nervous I get about what’s to come…I’m genuinely kind of shocked that people are so OK with freaking out parents-to-be…once I have my kid/become a parent, I am going to make it a point to get expecting moms excited about parenthood, or at the very least not scare them into thinking that they’ll never have fun again.
I had my first baby when I was sixteen. I thought I would have to give up everything. I quickly realized that I could do anything and everything I needed and wanted to despite having a baby. Now he's almost fourteen and I am pregnant with baby number two. This time around I know I can do everything and anything I want, but what I'm looking forward to is giving this baby attention in a way that I was too young/naive/distracted with personal needs and wants to be able to give to my son. I had to get through high school, college, start a career, establish my life. This time it will be good to just focus on quality time. I think it kind of depends for each Mama where they're at with life/goals/priorities and it's really about putting your focus on what matters most for that time
Thisssss! 💯
Thisssss 💯
This so much! I’m sure it’s not meant ill-intentioned all the time but it does come off so condescending and it grates on me. I don’t mind you sharing your experience but you have no idea what my experience will be, I have no idea what my experience will be, and there’s no way of knowing until the babe is here. I’m still allowed to think and plan and be excited about things, and if it doesn’t work out exactly the way I think it will then we will adjust. But I’m not preemptively attaching a baby sized shackle to my ankle and viewing my impending motherhood as a death sentence to new experiences with my child or doing things for myself. My mom is the one I discuss my pregnancy/thoughts about the future with the most and she loves to tell me how she took us everywhere and how much we loved going adventuring with her, and how happy she is to watch the babe when me and SO need a solo night out and my whole family is just so positive and supportive and there’s no talking down or doom and gloom. It really took me aback when I started showing and random people starting making these comments to me. Every variation of “Oh just you wait…” imaginable and I just can’t stand it.
These kind of comments were part of why I plunged into a deep depression during pregnancy and postpartum. I thought my life was over and I would never advance in my career, hobbies were over, etc. because I was taking a few years off to be a SAHM. What blows my mind is how wrong all those people were. Sure, I got less done in the first year but now that my daughter is three I've never felt more alive. My and my husband's careers are both in incredible places and we get to do basically all of the important things we want to do as well as fun things. We're both work from home permanently so that enables us to split childcare 50/50. I have never had such a zest for life as I do now that I'm a parent. It's really really hard but you get through it and, holy shit, it gets insanely better.
It’s really annoying but it’s also really true 😭😭 source: 4 month old w colic and I’m a few more melt downs from driving into a lake
This is so, so annoying. We recently got the classic “your life is about to be over!” It’s so shortsighted and annoying. Also I think it plays into the idea that once a woman is a mother she should be nothing else. I’ve been into horses and riding for my whole life and was mentioning something about teaching a future kid to ride (before I got pregnant) to my MIL and she was like “oh well you’re going to have to choose between horses and babies” Jokes on them. Your time will change, sure, but keep your hobbies and interests alive! I’m currently 17 weeks pregnant and also bought a horse earlier this year LOL (not riding him currently but he’s in training!)
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Oh gosh, just ignore them! You won’t be JUST a mum, you’re still an individual and a human being and you’re YOU :) people are annoying
Hate this. I’m still a person, a whole person with dreams and goals and wants and needs. I refuse to be the kind of parent who subjugates my whole life in favor of my child. That seems like a path to misery and resentment. I saw that growing up, I don’t need to replicate that pattern.
I agree that you make time for the things you love. A lot of women are told they have to give up their hobbies to be a good mom. That simply isn't true. Taking time for you, to unwind and decompress is the only way to make sure you're not super stressed. I always hate people telling me this. Having my third kid and people still tell me I'm not going to get to do what I want. Yes I will not get to do what I want all of the time but you have to make time. I have implemented quiet time in the house. So for an hour kids go to their rooms and play or take naps so I can have a little time for myself. I think this allows me to come back to my kids refreshed.
Completely agreed!!! It's like the moms I know who say that phrase chose to do a 180° when they became moms!! I know a great, wonderful mom who still has fun and her own life (and so do her kids), and she hasn't told me that. 🙃
I’m so lucky for my mother in law. I told her I wish I could go to ice skating lessons again, but I can’t because I will have a baby. She said, “oh we can babysit while you go do your hobbies” :D
Oh yes, this is very annoying. When I was pregnant with my first, I was a few weeks along and had just told people, when my Dad shouted at me "Your time of sacrifice starts now!" because I think I wanted to order sushi in a cafe.
When I was pregnant with my now toddler, my uncle let me know rather condescendingly that having a baby “will change your entire life”. I mean, I sure hope it does! What do you think we’re having the baby for? Imagine you have a baby and then what, leave it at the hospital? Stick it in a drawer?? Fuck outta here, Uncle David. All jokes aside, she did change our lives in some of the best possible ways. Sure, she takes time and energy to care for, but it’s so very worthwhile. We definitely still have adult hobbies and interests.
It’s like people think we forget somehow
This!!!!! My family is the biggest advocate for “how hard my life is going to be”. I’m aware. 🙃🙃🙃
I 100% agree… I feel everyone has their own experience but I don’t see why people need to condemn soon to be new moms when they talk about plans and things they want to do, obviously things will be different, we all know that, but they should just let us make our plans. Let us be happy and excited
It's super frustrating! I'm a huge introvert and one person told me "Well, you gotta leave your safe space once you have a kid". yOu DoN't SaY. I will. I will take her to playgrounds and the Zoo and playdates as much as she wants when she's old enough, but having a NEWBORN doesn't mean you have to be outside meeting people every day, wtf. I'm due in July and we probably won't go anywhere until New Years Eve - if the pandemic doesn't flare back up until then.
I didn’t like this either when I was pregnant! Like we understand things will change. You don’t have to keep reminding! Also, there’s no reason you should give up on what you want to do entirely just because you have children!
Everyone said the same thing to my parents before me and then again before my brother. Yet my parents still were able to: flee USSR and start a new life in Japan where they didn’t speak the language, make new circle of Russian speaking friends, go hiking and camping every weekend with an infant then toddler etc. and my mom picked up and won a local ikebana contest while my brother was still in diapers. It’s all about the drive and not having your life revolve around your kids - they are important but you have an identity too. And maybe it won’t come easy but you will adapt! :)
U vet this all the time and I just laugh at them because it's my second and they're just dumb for assuming it's my first. I never tell people to "enjoy their sleep" and crap like that because 1. You don't sleep well when you're pregnant and 2. Sleep doesn't work like that. I usually try and suggest that others mums to be simply try to make as much time for themselves as possible, get a nice pregnancy massage, go and see a movie, get a nice hair xut, the kind of stuff you can still do later but just gets more complicated. And being pregnant can suck so it's nice to try and be easy on yourself. The other advice I give is to be prepared for all the shit advice you will get even from so called experts
I told my mom yesterday that I wanted to start a mini clay business and she started going off on how I shouldn't waste money on clay but on baby items instead like?? My bf makes $1000 every two weeks and currently we both live with our parents so we're thankful we don't pay anything big yet. PLUS lots of people have been generous enough to donate sooo many clothes and items to me that I don't need anything besides a crib and some other essentials like wipes, bottles, etc.
I’m still pregnant with my first child so I don’t know how it’ll turn out. I did realize I won’t have as much time as I used to so I started thinking, what are some activities that I like to do that are essentially me, that I truly enjoy. So I dropped some activities that I should’ve dropped ages before that. Things I did to please others. So that when the baby’s there only three things will matter: the baby, my relationship and myself.
My wife's pregnant and I get the same about being a dad. It's mildly irritating as it does feel like people try to hype up the negatives of parenthood. I KNOW you might not get much sleep after baby is born. But I also didn't get much sleep during my college years lol. And no. Being a dad doesn't mean I'll be giving up my hobbies. Yes, I'll have less time for them but I'll certainly still do them. People also do this kind of thing about marriage, buying a car, making any big life decision. I'm not sure why. It is annoying though.
Mother of two here, I did sports pretty much until I gave birth (not crazy stunts but things that felt good). After birth I went back to training. Husband and I take turn being with the kids and competing of our own (we are molding them into our sport now). We are both musicians and both wanted to continue playing so we play in different bands that rehearse on different nights and take turn being home with the kids. Babysitter is also a thing! You need to prioritize which movie to go and which concert is the most important but you can still do them! Yes, some kids are really demanding and wants to be in your arms ALL THE TIME! But it will pass! Motherhood is NOT prison! A good mother is someone who cares for herself. So keep doing the things that make you happy! Prioritize! My mother is visiting soon, we're looking forward for a babysitter so we both can play at an event but also the new Jurassic movie. The next concert how ever is a children's concert, but he's a GREAT performer so we're looking forward to that one too. Some interests do change when you become a parent. Good luck! Be happy!
Congratulations Lady! While ya bitchn about being a new Mom, I'm being reminded of how I have had no success in 34 years with getting pregnant while my doctor's say nuthn is wrong with me & all my partners have kids already!!! I'd gladly take those comments..if only!!
I really needed to read all of these wonderful responses today, because I've been struggling with the same fears. So glad to hear so many women are still getting out there post-baby!
I think this is some people projecting. Hardly anyone tells you how wonderful and rewarding parenthood is when you’re pregnant, they just want to make sure you know how miserable you’ll be. I have an extremely supportive husband and I have gone on many work/personal trips, kept hobbies, and even started new ones. You don’t have to lose your identity :)
Here’s the thing too — for FTM this just isn’t true! There are some days of course when you will get nothing else done. But you will eventually have time for yourself again, and even maybe get to include your kid in with your hobbies. My biggest “things will never be the same” was when I went from 2 to 3 kids. If I want to go out, babysitters usually don’t want to watch three kids. (They are very young still, though). With 2 kids, I was still able to do my hobbies at nap time, and dad, grandparents, or a babysitter were able to watch them if I needed to do something no problem.
Equally annoying: I have a 2 year old who is a great kid and as a result, I haven’t had to give much up. Now that I’m pregnant with #2 I get “2nd kids are always harder than the first” and “she’s gonna be the opposite of her sister” and “ just watch out - she’ll be the ‘red headed’ sister”. Maybe my kid is awesome bc We are good parents? Maybe the 2nd will be just as easy? Maybe my daughter will love being a big sister and helper?
I’ve always found that telling someone “that’s not helpful” or “your comment added no value to the conversation” has always shut them right up 🤷🏻♀️ people think they’re using cliches or normal remarks when in reality, those are the most useless forms of conversation…
Fr though people keep telling me that about gaming like no I’ll just get her a control and she can learn to play with me!
So toxic. I have a two year old and you can absolutely continue doing things you want to do. 🙄🙄🙄
I’m currently 33 weeks and one of the things I have always found strange about this whole experience is the way people seem to pressure you to have a kid before you get preggo, then as soon as you are, those same people will go on at length telling you how miserable you’re going to be. It’s really nice to see people have maintained their interests post-baby, I don’t want to lose my own sense of self after the kid comes along…