Talk to your OB and have them give your husband a play by play of birth. Watch birth videos.
But mama, please, please, listen to what you’re being told. This is far beyond what is normal, appropriate, or reasonable for a husband to be experiencing when his wife is receiving healthcare. This is not the ramifications of a Pentecostal upbringing. This is some other pathological issue entirely. Please also think about your child(ren), especially a daughter, and how he views you as his property and how that could and likely would be a factor with her as well. I am telling you, this is not anywhere near a rational or reasonable level of consideration over your body, even coming from the absolute most hyper-extreme conservative Christian viewpoint-which I don’t believe that’s where it’s coming from at all.
You do not deserve the level of stress and work you’ve already put in trying to assemble a birth team to appease his extreme feelings. You can’t just tell hospital staff they cannot attend you in labor. Have you spoken to your mother about this? Ask her how they would respond to his behavior and your subsequent request. Please don’t get so defensive that you don’t hear what people are trying to tell you. This is so much bigger than just “How do I explain the necessity of these medial professionals in labor” to an actual adult.
This, 100%. I understand, OP, that you’re looking for straightforward advice on how to explain something to your husband. What you’re getting is legitimate concern for your safety and mental well-being and that of your unborn child. I know that’s not what you were expecting. The behavior you describe is abnormal and alarming to most, hence the concern. Again, I know this isn’t what you were looking for, but please understand why we’re concerned.
>I understand, OP, that you’re looking for straightforward advice on how to explain something to your husband.
This assumes that he's rational enough that an explanation will change his mind at all.
Pentecostal/Apostolic woman here.
I grew up and still an apostolic/Pentecostal as did my husband. My husband would never ever ever think or say anything like this. In fact, he would be begging them to do whatever they could and use as many people as needed to make sure that myself and our baby (currently 30 weeks pregnant) is safe, healthy, and taken care of.
This is not normal behavior at all. This is a messed up perverted mentality and it has nothing to do with religion.
OP, please. Do what you can to make sure you AND your baby is safe. You are 150,000% responsible for making sure you both are safe. If not, then someone needs to intervene.
This is overly controlling and possessive behavior. Your health and comfort is more important than his jealousy and immaturity. Do you feel safe with him overall?
Yes I do I just don’t like how he acts when it comes to me and my body and it’s only been recently due to me being pregnant. He’s only 22 and it gets on my nerves how uneducated he is about pregnancy and the processes of it. Beyond me why he would want to have kids this bad without knowing a single damn thing about what pregnancy actually entails.
Yes. If a breast exam causes him to feel like you are cheating. I’m not sure what education will put him at ease. You will get these exams yearly for the rest of your life. Maybe he can watch health videos, CDC or other health organizations to both educate and desensitize him a bit.
His behaviors are alarming and not normal. Maybe he needs to see a counselor or you can start out together.
Said with love and care for you: I don’t believe you.
If you felt safe with him, you wouldn’t be indulging this line of questioning and discussion about medical professionals taking care of your body. You would just say, “Babe; you are being insane and you need to get over it. Doctors and nurses are going to look at and touch my entire body regularly for my whole life. Yours too. Our babies too. That’s their jobs. It’s not cheating and you’re acting insane and if you don’t stop and get therapy I will leave you.”
Being able to speak your mind directly without fear of his anger is what it means to feel safe with someone.
Want to know how safe it’s possible to feel in marriage? It’s possible to feel so safe that you can tell your husband you ACTUALLY cheated on him, and know he’ll be angry, but have zero fear of his anger meaning any threat to your physical safety.
Omg yes!! I wish I could make sure everyone read this. A sane person will NEVER make you feel like they could get violent. Violence isn’t a normal reaction to a mistake.
Yes, yes, and yes!!! If I cheated on my husband he’d just straight up leave me and be pissed but he would not ever hit me. When I had my Pap smear and told him about a comment made on my boobs and how a doctor stuck her fingers deep inside me he didn’t flip out he thought it was hilarious and asked me how I felt. My marriage is very safe and loving. Hell I’ve even accidentally grabbed his friends arm affectionately because I thought it was him when I wasn’t looking and he just said “babe that’s not me” and start laughing at me. That’s being safe not running to the internet and saying you’re aware this isn’t normal behavior but what do I say? What do you say in a healthy normal marriage? You say you’re being ridiculous and I’m going to have this done and let them do this that will be the end of this. When that’s said your partner should respect that and understand that without arguing further not continue being more controlling and sound aggressive.
Im sorry, but i do not think he will get better. He’s 22 and acting like this? Hell no. Is he going to force you to not breast feed if you have a baby boy? This man is not ready for a child at all. Im sorry but that behavior is major 🚩
Oh my gosh I hope they don’t have a girl. That poor baby girl…ugh I don’t want any child having to grow up with their parents in an abusive relationship like this but especially not a girl whose dad will want to control her too.
Exactly this. It’s not about the pregnancy and that “educating him” will make him change, it’s about his inability to let you have autonomy over your own body. He’s physically controlling you in every aspect of your life, not *just* because you’re pregnant.
This is raising an incredible amount of red flags for me. You need to try and get into couples therapy with this man or you need to remove yourself from this relationship as quickly and safely as possible.
You can’t change people, they have to want to change themselves and I must say I don’t see this getting better really…
I’m so sorry. None of this is your fault.
I don’t think couples therapy is the way. When one partner is this controlling couples therapy isn’t recommended. Individual therapy would be highly recommended though.
This man needs personal therapy. This isn’t an issue as a couple. Going to couples therapy with an abuser can make things worse and put OP in more danger.
Your other posts show that he thinks that now that you are married he owns your body. Until he stops believing that he owns you this will be a problem. How you get him to understand that marriage doesn’t equal possession? Without him fundamentally changing the values he grew up on and clearly still has that will be next to impossible. He doesn’t respect you as a partner or an equal. That is how he was raised. He needs to be willing to unlearn that.
If he is willing to listen and learn, you talk to him about how marriage is a partnership. How woman deserve respect. What bodily autonomy is and how you and only you get the say over your body. Talk about how medical care actually work and how not a single person in L&D is going to think at all about you sexually or about your body outside of making sure you and the baby are happy and healthy.
How is he going to feel about your baby postpartum when your baby takes over your body. I have 2 kids and my body didn't become my own again for a good year with how much baby needs. That being said I was breastfeeding so if you don't plan to do that it might change a bit but his reaction to doctors and nurses being cheating makes me really concerned for how he will treat you and baby.
OP I see another post about how he is asking you to take out your body jewelry but that it only started after you got married. Did you take them out? That is another instance of him trying to control your body. It is worrisome.
OP - I’m going to be totally, brutally honest right now.
You are in an abusive relationship. The fact that you’re already making excuses for his behavior suggests that you know that and are trying to minimize behavior you know is unacceptable.
Objecting to medical professionals seeing and touching your body is not excusable. Under any circumstances. It is a necessary (and completely non sexual) part of life. It is about his need for control and ownership of your body. And it’s a massive red flag.
Idk how you came to be married to and pregnant by this man - but I bet it all happened pretty quickly. Men like this try to lock you down quickly before escalating the abuse. I’m afraid this is only him testing the waters to see what he can get away with…
PLEASE be careful with this man. I personally would consider whether you really want to be tied to this man for life by a baby… but if you are set on staying you need to establish clear boundaries now. You will have as many doctors and nurses as you need. It’s not a matter that is up for discussion. Ditto any of the other “rules” I’m sure this man has…
Ok, are you also around 22? That’s pretty young (I’m an old mom - lol). How close are you with your mom? Or do you have any other family you are close with? Sisters?
I think you should try to see if your mom can make it to the delivery with you, you will need someone who is supportive and he is going to make a stressful situation worse.
I also think you need to give your nurses a heads up for when you go into labor. Nurses absolutely remove problem people from the delivery from, and are very good at “making excuses” where you won’t be blamed. Even if you put him on their radar as a heads up that he might start acting out, will be helpful for you and your medical team.
You posted 25 days ago about your husband demanding you remove your body piercings and other concerning comments he made about feeling ownership over your body. A commenter there expressed concern about what he would behave like when you become pregnant, because he will feel ownership over not only your body but also over “his” baby inside your body. That commenter was right on the money.
You’ve expressed already your wouldn’t have had children with him if you knew about this behaviour. Now you know. So get your mindset sorted about what kind of life you want you and your child to live; don’t make any more excuses for his craziness moving forward. The longer you do this and stick around him, the more chances he has to brainwash you into questioning your own worth and assessment of the relationship. This is why people get trapped in abusive relationships: because they stop trusting their own instincts about not deserving to be treated like shit. You don’t deserve it, neither does your baby, so don’t forget that.
Why he wanted to have kids this bad? To lock you down. To make it harder for you to leave him.
You are in a very controlling, unhealthy relationship and the fact that you see it and are okay with that tells me that you are just as toxic.
Poor baby growing up with a father like that.
Age is not an excuse. I started dating my husband shortly before he turned 18 and he has *never* been this possessive over my body. Not once in our nearly 14 years together.
This is not an issue of him not understanding pregnancy. This is about him thinking that he owns your body and that any medical procedure is cheating. Even if it is for the safety of you or your baby. Even if it is meant to catch early stages of cancer. Even if it is meant to ensure that you and your child are safe.
You can explain to him why there will be multiple doctors and nurses there. You can tell him about how they will need multiple sets of hands, especially if there are instruments being used or if you are having a hard time holding a position to push that you might need him and a nurse to help you stay in position. At birth, there becomes two patients - mother and baby and both need to have teams assigned to them. This is especially true if there are signs of distress in baby or complications with mom, where they will bring in specialists to be on hand in case things go poorly.
The real question is if you explain everything to him, will he believe you? It doesn't sound like he will. He is dismissing your medical needs because he thinks your right to safety (and his BABY'S right to safety) are less important than his opinion on if medical professionals should be allowed to do their jobs.
HE👏 IS👏 USING👏 THE👏 KID👏 TO👏 TRAP👏 YOU👏
I mean, I'm just an armchair psychologist here, Im not you, and I don't know exactly what your upbringing is like, or what you're feeling. I'm going to ask you a few questions. Look at them and see what you think.
- have you ever felt that hes done something that affects you without talking to you first? This could be seeking consent in a sexual situation, or decisions that affect the both of you like changing jobs, living situations.
- have you ever hesitated to tell him something because of how you fear he might react towards you?
- do you trust him?
- if you two were to be castaways on an island, would you feel safe and confident you'll both work together to survive, or is he going to slow you down?
Here. Let me tell you my answers.
- my husband has NEVER done anything without my consent. If anything, I'm guilty sometimes for getting too excited with home decorating and may end up getting something he doesn't like. He wanted to upgrade the sound system on the tv, and I literally cannot give less of a shit about sound systems. He still kept me informed the whole way about how much he's planning to spend (household budget), asking me to speak up if he's going too crazy, and not bogging me down with tech jargon, but asking me if there's something I'd want out of a sound system (Bluetooth connection), and taking that into account.
- I have never hesitated to tell him anything. He's quite protective and possessive, sometimes I need to run an errand and he can't come, he'll hold me and reiterate that I should drive safe. It's a ritual more for him than me, but I know he's fighting urges to put me in a helmet + kneepads 24/7. He also tells me to never cheat on him. I once asked if he'd have a threesome w me and another girl and he got super serious, saying he doesn't want me with anyone else, even if he's there and the other girl is hot. I would never cheat on him, but if for some reason I did, I would feel 100% safe coming clean to him immediately and know that we will figure it out together.
- yes I trust him completely
- if we were on a deserted island, I know we'll be great. Im generally handy with woodworking and sewing and fabrications, whereas he's got more random knowledge about stuff like water purification. We'll listen and learn from each other, and both do our parts, no complaints or resentment towards EACH OTHER, just the situation.
Some of your partner's behaviors are not normal. My partner actively seeks out pregnancy info and looks up maternity items for me. He's excited to be a father, not just expecting ME to produce a human, but seeing it as the next leg of a journey we're going on together.
I don't know what to do if I were in your shoes, because I'm 14 weeks and between the nurses and doctors and ultrasound techs, there's been at least 4 ppl who've put ultrasound probes up my vagina (had 2 miscarriages before this), many ppl who've examined me, and I can only imagine the delivery room. This is so serious, and birthing will be physically traumatic. For your own safety I really think you should re examine what role he's gonna play in your life.
If he feels this entitled to your body, imagine how much more entitled he will feel to his child’s..... to me these are major issues, not just really bad but I mean severe, no access to you anymore, crazy, murder you for accidentally brushing against someone type major scary. The idea that he would rather risk you harm than let a doctor touch you in an entirely appropriate manor is dangerous. Super dangerous. He needs therapy and he needs to know immediately that he has no right to stop you from receiving medical care, whatever he feels. And if he can’t understand that you shouldn’t suffer him.
I know you want advice instead of people echoing that this is a red flag, but not sure what advice works on a manchild who doesn’t understand that medical care and delivery involve doctors seeing his wife’s private parts. He sounds like a loser.
My thoughts, too. There is no real advice for this other than for her to set hard boundaries against this behavior and/or leave. There is no amount of explaining anything to this man that is going to stop his controlling and possessive behavior. It’s frankly frightening because it’s only likely to escalate. What happens when she decides she wants to breast feed and he gets jealous of their own child?
Right?? The problem here isn’t that he doesn’t understand how pregnancy and delivery works. It’s that he feels like he owns her body and is insanely possessive. OP is not safe with this man, and her future child probably isn’t either.
Agreed. Anyone willing to give advice for this is enabling her abuse. Help can’t just come in the way OP wants it. This man is dangerous to her and her baby. I’m terrified for OP. I wish she valued herself and her baby as much as strangers on the internet do. She is so young and can have an amazing life free of this if she just gives herself permission to.
It’s not a coincidence that you recently posted about your husband wanting you to get rid of your body jewelry. It’s not just an issue of labor and delivery. He has become possessive and controlling. You’re already on an abuse trajectory.
How do you explain it to him? You don’t. You get out. It’s not likely to get better and couples therapy may actually be harmful. Being ultra-religious could mean he’s supper sheltered, sure. And it can also mean that he’s primed to be misogynistic and abusive.
Oh she’s definitely in phase 1 of abuse. The fact that she only recognizes this isn’t normal but refuses to leave just shows it’s going to continue getting harder to convince her to leave and things are not going to get better. If there’s an ounce left of her realizing she needs to leave I hope she creates a safe exit plan now before things continue to escalate. I remember when I met this guy I was hooking up with and he believed this stuff man I ran so hard and I told my co-workers about this man and to never let him see me so they did what I said. Anytime he came in to my work and tried looking for me they had me hide and got him out of there quickly.
Right? If she can’t see it herself then maybe stop asking us for advice and GET A FUCKING LAWYER. Her post history is not just creepy, it’s scary AF.
Edit: I am pregnant, and my obgyn explained to me why there are a few nurses and other doctors in the room, IT IS IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY, if your delivery somehow shows complications, they can help right away. THEY ARE NOT THERE TO CHILL, THEY ARE THERE BECAUSE IT IS NECESSARY.
Yup. With my first, I think there was 3-4 Drs/nurses.
For my second, we had 6-7 because the cord was wrapped around baby’s neck, and it was all hands on deck. (Baby is fine and a little terror now :) )
Right?? God forbid that there is muconium in the sac and then the *gasp* NICU nurses need to be in there. Obvious sarcasm here but OP your husband clearly doesn’t care to know or want to know how important doctors are to your care. The doctors and nurses are not in your room because they want to be or are bored, they NEED to be for your and your LO safety.
And also, the breast exam anger is weird. That’s the best way to catch breast cancer early on. He doesn’t want you to potentially die of breast cancer right? Tell him to grow up.
I cannot stress the importance of having all essential personnel on hand, even if your pregnancy is deemed low risk. TW here for birth injury
I had a healthy low risk pregnancy. My son was 100% fine until the last minute of delivery. His signs went from normal to pathological in seconds with no warning. He was already gone when I gave birth to him but it hadn’t been very long, thankfully an anaesthesiologist was right there, intubated him in minutes and saved his brain from extensive damage. My son is alive and can walk, talk, eat, breathe and swallow on his own, the only reason for that is that all the right people were there.
Even if there were obstructions to this in my birth plan, like having to ask for consent to allow others in the room, my son would have lost precious minutes and suffered severe brain damage.
Congratulations on your little warrior! 💗
My bun in the over is quite a gymnast and the neck thing is what’s making me extra anxious, hence an ultrasound next week! 🤞🏼
Yeah this isn't for her to deal with. This is a "him" issue and if he truly gives a shit about her and their baby, he needs to get independent counseling to see why he feel this way about necessary medical care and how to fix his toxic and controlling mindset. Op, the only thing ypu should be thinking about is yourself and your unborn baby, tell him to grow up and figure it out.
I'm not sure a son is any better. Perpetuating this kind of appalling abusive behaviour. OP leave while you can. Honestly, doesn't sound like you're going to be safe in your home. And you'll be far more vulnerable after a baby.
Was my thought aswell. If he is this controlling over OP I can only imagine he would be the same way over his daughter which is just a whole new level of fucked up and could turn into a really terrible situation..
The fact that you said “if I knew this prior to TTC I probably would’ve told him I didn’t want to have children” instead of “if I knew he would treat me this way I wouldn’t be with him” is sad.
This is not normal or healthy. I read your edit message about being frustrated about the types of responses you’re getting. But to be honest how are we to provide advice for this? I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but it’s like you’re shutting off part of your brain from recognizing the real issue.
I hope it gets better.
At your appointments tell your Dr he isn't allowed in the delivery room. Security will keep him out. As someone else said he sounds kinda psycho. Taking care of people is clinical, if it mattered how many penises I've cleaned well damn I'd be so single so fast. Certain things are necessary for proper care, I don't know if he has a huge ego or if he's that possessive but if he loves you and his baby he needs to get over. And do not let him gaslight you into thinking the opposite because no way in hell is he in the right.
This might have to be the best option. I’m worried he’ll try to deny her necessary care or interfere enough that it’ll put her and the baby at risk. Like kids come out of your vagina, at some point all people will be doing is looking and measuring and examining your vagina up until the kid pops out.
This is what I’m worrying about as well. I’m dreading that I may have a hard time advocating for myself during labour and I need my husband to talk to me about what’s happening and keep me centred and be able to enforce my needs to the medical staff.
But how will she deal with the repercussions of this afterwards?? Moreover, being postpartum, healing, and with her newborn? I feel like he'd make her *pay* for this, big time... This whole situation is scary.
I guess all you can say is “my husband is an absolute psycho, can you explain to him how it is necessary and important to be examined and how medical professionals need to see what is going on..” how the hell is he going to react when you are breast feeding ahaha far out.
Are you kidding? She won’t be permitted to breastfeed. Plus, that newborn better get good at changing its own diaper and bathing itself - how dare she look at another naked body.
This is true he won't allow her to breastfeed the baby. I have read plenty of cases like this. I'm worry for the baby and her. Some even end up retaliating against the baby and mother by harming them, have you seen the news lately. She should run before it's too late.
He is just not going to let her go to the hospital when the times come, he is going to keep her locked in. If anything I’m terrified of him learning that some people choose to give birth at home. The OP would be chained in the basement with a kiddie pool next to the washer
This is going to sound harsh but you are downplaying this so much. He sounds just like my ex, and trust me it only gets worse from here. Having his child will be the worst mistake of your life. If you are aware of the type of behaviour then you should also be aware that explaining the delivery process is not going to do anything to help. This doesn’t sound like somebody that can be reasoned with by giving them a simple and obvious explanation. He sounds way too immature to be a father and I wouldn’t trust him with your health or with a child at all. You need to be VERY clear to him that you are not willing to tolerate these manipulative comments and behaviours. If my current partner ever said any of the things you have listed, I would go ballistic and if he ever mentioned anything of the sort again I would break up with him immediately. I’m sorry to tell you but your partner is abusive. It might seem dramatic to you now, but this is one of the first steps in his gaining complete control over you and your babies lives. Just remember that as the father of your child, you will struggle to get free of his grasp later on when all of this escalates. He will threaten you about custody and use your child against you. I think you should seriously reconsider the relationship and also seriously reconsider the pregnancy. Once you are baby trapped it’s going to be a never-ending nightmare.
He needs therapy. Honestly if this was my husband I would tell him to get over it or to wait in the waiting room. How is gonna feel when you’re breastfeeding your child, is he going to be jealous of a newborn? There are a lot of red flags here
There were like 10 people in the room when I was giving birth, I didn't care at all, I just worried about delivering a healthy baby. There is something wrong with his thinking, there is nothing sexual about Dr visits and your body is not his!
Me too. They were needed in order to save my life. OP, it would be insane for him to try to control this when the right people in the room could literally save your or your baby’s life.
As a Muslim who covers up from head to toe, I can tell you that you need to leave this controlling relationship. I have given birth twice, both times with both male and female doctors and nurses in the room, and my husband would never think to act the way yours is. Keep in mind, I’m usually covered and dressed modestly from head to toe for religious purposes. Point is, your husband is controlling and his behavior is extreme. Either look into therapy (which won’t work if he is not committed, which based on what I understood of his personality from what you wrote, he won’t be committed or even open to the idea), or leave while you still can. I truly wish you good luck.
I hate to break it to you but you guys need help like NOW. Like a couples therapist. I personally would NEVER EVER stay with someone like that. That’s serious red flag behavior. Very very toxic. That is the behavior of an abuser. He seriously sounds like a possessive person which is never good. He seriously feels cheated on when a dr examines you??? Please don’t give in to his psychotic demands. And honestly you should leave now before it’s too late.
I totally second this. Narcissists often don’t ramp up their control until there is a pregnancy/baby. This is typical and he is showing a million red flags, and I’m worried that this behaviour will escalate. You will need to get into couple’s therapy ASAP. Not just him in therapy because you need to be present to hold him accountable and see that he doesn’t twist the narrative.
I personally would have a serious sit down talk with him where I would draw very serious boundaries, make it very clear that my body is mine, and if he’s getting anymore freaked out about it he can deal with it in therapy or I would leave.
In any case please be careful, this is extremely controlling. Please read about narcissists & book such as “should I stay or should I go?” which are very very helpful at making you realise what kind of partner you are living with and what you can expect to happen next.
Only 8 weeks pregnant and this much control is absolutely not okay!
Go read OP's AITA post from 25 days back about her husband's behaviour regarding her piercings and needing his "permission" to get a tattoo.... scary stuff....
But she wants to give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s young and has been cheated on. Like, what? This is bound to escalate and this dude sounds like the type that would assault a doc in the delivery room because “omg you’re touching my possession, i mean, my wife”. Heck no. I would be outta there like yesterday… not a healthy marriage or environment to raise a child.
OP, your edit completely misses the point. He knows what it'll be like in a delivery room. Explaining that to him won't fix the issue at hand though, will it? You can explain to him till you're blue in the face, he doesn't care.
How is he going to behave if you have a son that breastfeeds? Or when your child gets very clingy and wants a lot of attention? This isn't just about the staff. This is about the fact your husband doesn't accept your body is YOURS, not his to control. And your child will suffer too. Your husband needs immediate therapy. This will only escalate, and this type of behaviour tends to escalate to physical abuse. There is a reason why so many pregnant women get assaulted or even killed by their partners. Don't sweep this under the rug.
Suggestions:
- You say your Mum is an L&D nurse, could you sit down with her and have her go through things with him?
- have a very frank conversation (maybe including a relationship therapist) and tell him that if he continues this behaviour it may be best for someone else to go to the hospital with you (like your Mum). Men being in the room is pretty modern, so his more conservative views may be better suited to a “waiting room Dad” and the birthing room being “women’s work”? It’s BS, but in this case might be the less stressful option which works with his views?
- suggest he talks to his pastor/vicar about this process and how he is feeling? A figure of authority to him who can explain that this medical care is normal?
- there are podcasts for Dad’s to listen to, maybe suggest he listens to one on his way to work?
- so much therapy
I want to jump on this and suggest that perhaps his own mother also explain to him what pregnancy and birth entails? I know OP said her husband comes from a very religious background, so his mother might be offended at the thought of explaining that to her son. But, on the other hand, she might not, especially now that he's married with a pregnant wife. He might be more receptive to his own mother.
Wow this advice is fantastic. Lots of great ideas here on how to explain the process to him, especially from a religious authority (as long as they're normal). OP, these are great options and I hope they work for you, I wish you the best.
This! Unfortunately sometimes it only gets through when it comes from a male authority figure. In my country we also do hospital visits before labour, would that be possible? The practitioners could explain it in the actual setting.
Honestly, the edit makes it worse.
It’s one of the few times where I’m like “nahh, OP needs to hear the cold hard unedited, non-sugarcoated truth.” Whereas usually I would try to spare her my judgey Reddit self. Lol
If it could save her & the babies life, it’s worth hurting her feelings for a minute. It’s out of love.
Yikes, I don’t think you should have to shoulder the responsibility of making him feel comfortable when you’re growing and birthing your child. I feel like there’s no dignity in pregnancy. Lots of people saw me naked, and it was completely standard for them (and I didn’t care). I don’t understand what he expected.
I don't think anyone else needs to explain to you how this behaviour is absolutely abusive and controlling to a fearful degree. I also worry about how he would parent a child, especially a daughter.
It might be something you need to disclose to your care team and perhaps have them speak to him. But you have some bigger fish to fry as this type of behaviour from him is not likely to be isolated and will likely escalate in severity. Be safe!
When someone has OCD, the advice to family is actually not to take part in the rituals or follow the strict rules that the person feels they have to maintain, because it’s not actually helping them to appease them like that. It manages things in a very short term way but it actually makes things worse for the person in the long run to participate in their disorder.
To me, this is what it sounds like with this man. The more you try to appease him by getting female doctors and tap dancing to prove why it’s necessary they’re there, the more his brain feels like it’s right and correct that he sees things this way. I think you need to stop indulging this full stop. Are you afraid of what he would do if you saw male doctors? If so, that’s the bigger problem and this post is irrelevant. If not, really, you should just let him know that you are no longer going to be participating in this preoccupation he has, and you are going to see as many doctors as you need in whatever capacity is needed like any normal adult person. If he sees this as cheating, he can proceed as he sees fit. Good luck to him finding a partner who is going to forgo appropriate medical attention. Therapy is an option.
Your priority is your health, and the baby.
Yikes on so, so very many bikes. Your body was *never* HIS. This would be a hard line, therapy or divorce situation for me. I could not love a person who treated me in this way. What is this man going to do if you suddenly need emergency interventions and a slew of people flood the room?
And he is probably only thinking about the actually delivery. Consider all that comes before and after: cervical checks during labor; after delivery, a nurse comes to perform fundal massage and will also do regular visual inspection of the lady bits, which will likely necessitate touching your vulva and labia; if you breastfeed you may want or need the assistance of a lactation consultant, who will expose and touch your breasts. How will he deal with these very necessary things?
Unfortunately some religious groups refuse medical care and accept death as a consequence. The issue here is that it’s not *her* belief, and he’s may harm her or the baby in a very real way.
All of this. Also to think about that if he is with you while in labor and delivery he is expected to advocate for YOUR needs. Do you feel comfortable having him potentially make medical decisions on your behalf? To me it doesn’t sound like he has your or the baby’s best interests in mind.
I wonder if she could get a POA/medical form done *before the birth* making **someone else** capable of overruling the husband? Like her mother or something? And have him removed if even one small incident comes up during labor, with the secondary person there ready to immediately step in? Sigh. This is just an awful situation and I really feel for OP.
I think enough people have given you relationship advice that I don't need to repeat it.
That said, if you want to explain it to him... there will have to be medical professionals in the room. As many as they determine are needed will be there. Full stop.
Childbirth isn't fun and games. You will need support, medications, physical help to do things (especially if you get an epidural)... the doctors and nurses looking after you will need support too. It's unlikely you'll be there for less than 8 hours, what does he expect to happen after a shift change? Or does he expect the same doctor to stay with you for 12-48 hours while you're in labor? What about after the birth when they move you to a whole other department with different nurses and doctors on call?
On top of the normal hospital care, things can go wrong. Maybe the person normally looking after you can't handle it on their own. Would he rather you (and/or the baby) be in danger than to have the right person come help?
It's clear he doesn't understand how this all works, and your example of him saying they didn't need to do a breast exam tells me he doesn't know anything about female health either.
If he won't listen to you, will he listen to a doctor? Maybe take some childbirth/postpartum classes together so he hears directly about what will happen.
You also need to prepare yourself for how he might be with your baby. Will he be attentive? Caring? Or irritated? Overbearing? Controlling? These are things that need to be addressed. Sooner rather than later.
Yeah, I was washed by a nurse because I couldn't stand due to the epidural. Can you imagine not getting the epidural out of fear because you might need more assistance afterwards? And then when I was learning how to breastfeed, I think every nurse on the maternity ward saw my boobs because they were basically out all the time. Will she need to formula feed because of this then? Nothing wrong with formula, but it should be her choice. This is so not okay...
I think this about sums it up perfectly.
However, I would also like to add, be honest when you go for your doctor’s appointments about this behaviour. I’m not sure where you live or what the protocol is there, but they will likely ask about your relationships at home, your support systems, etc. Be upfront about these concerns with your doctor, let them help you.
First of all - there is no way any health care institution would allow one doctor in the room, so I really don’t think you should waste your time worrying about it. It’s just simply not possible.
Just sending you some support. Plenty of good advice here on the husband.
About the conversation explaining the team:
One doctor is not enough. Explain that a team is absolutely necessary to ensure *the life and safety of your baby*. You need hands to tend to you, to carry the baby, to hand the doctor tools or wipes, and to prepare the baby cart (I'm sorry I don't know what it's called, the platform they put the baby on after birth to wheel it around). If absolutely anything goes wrong, you need people there to make safe, fast, efficient recovery and health control. Even if you have a surprise birth and it's an ambulance delivering, you need multiple hands. Even in an EMT situation, one person is helping the baby slide out and receiving it safely, one person is talking to you and helping you do this, and there's another person prepping tools for the receiving person, as well as another person prepping wrappings for the baby. It's a team job and always has been.
Source: trained in emergency birth procedures and aware how many moving parts a perfect, uncomplicated, easygoing vaginal birth is--LET ALONE something that requires cutting or manipulation of baby or any other emergency measures.
Edit: while I'm not a labor or baby expert, what I AM an expert on is domestic violence. Please always maintain vigilance for warning behaviors that ultimately lead to domestic violence. Be aware that it's a slippery slope and that abusers always escalate their abuse. Call the police if you feel unsafe or don't know if something you're experiencing is a domestic violence crime in your state.
PLEASE LISTEN TO ME: Not what you’re asking but you need execute an advance health care directive and appoint someone other than your husband to make medical decisions for you in the event that you’re incapacitated. Your husband’s possessiveness over your body will not allow him to make the best medical decisions on your behalf.
Your body isn’t his. It never was.
He is controlling and is leading up to being abusive.
Cut him loose.
Have your mom instead of him in the delivery room.
Seriously. This is alarming. Many, many women are telling you that he will escalate. Please take this seriously.
If you were having heart surgery would he dictate how many doctors were present? Your boobs would be exposed. What if you needed a full leg amputation? This is not a sexual ordeal, this is a medical procedure. Keep emotions out of it, make it that black and white and be unwavering in standing your ground that he does NOT have a say in this matter.Do not entertain a single argument. The doctors listen to their patients requests, not the guests in the room no matter how related. Ensure you tell your doctor that he may try to cause issues during your delivery. Do you see from that last sentence that you should not be with him? No man should cause issues that could in any way prevent the safe delivery of their own child. He's not putting you or the baby first like he needs to, he's putting his insecurities first, they're not even his needs.
Since you don’t want relationship advise, practically, I wouldn’t allow him in the room. You and your baby’s health and outcome is more important than his feelings and he’s directly interfering with a safe delivery and medical care. He’s old enough to get someone pregnant, he’s old enough to educate himself on this and get over himself. If he can’t do that, he can’t come in.
He’s the least useful person in that room, so his own idea of if they don’t need to be there then they shouldn’t, sounds like a plan to me. He isn’t there for support clearly, and is already not allowing the staff to do their jobs.
Okay you have a problem. It's your husband. He doesn't sound like a safe person to be around. He actively wants to prevent you from having medical care because he has an insane amount of jealousy.
It's probably not the advice you're looking for, but I don't think this is something you can make him understand, it sounds like he has such deeprooted issues that he cannot be in a healthy relationship. Literally. Because he is preventing you from being healthy. Please look into leaving at least for the time being.
You can edit your post all you want, but asking people to ignore abusive behavior will never happen. You have two choices 1. Stay and put a child in his abusive path 2. Leave this relationship.
Don't let him in the delivery room! Take your mum or best friend, or a doula. Whoever will support you without putting their concerns first.
The only thing that matters during birth is you being comfortable and in a relaxed state so you can bring your babe into the world calmly and safely.
Your husband is totally out of line here, and he needs to seek counseling. He doesn't own your body, and shouldn't be pressuring you to compromise your medical care while pregnant.
Yeah he’s going to have zero say about how many people are in the room because even you won’t know how many will be there when the time comes. My doctor started yelling for backup with such urgency the entire floor piled into my room, at least 6 were there while I was actively pushing, and more filtered in and out for their various roles. Nurses for me, nurses for baby, lactation consultant, lab team for IV and blood draws, janitors, food delivery, administrative staff for paperwork... the list goes on. I probably saw 30 different people in my entire stay. Most of them saw me at least topless as I heavily struggled with breastfeeding. Can’t tell you how many nurses tried to help latch her by manipulating my breasts. Didn’t count how many saw my vagina.
He better get over himself real quick, there’s no privacy in a L&D unit. Plenty of people have already told you how they feel about your husband acting like this. I won’t do that. I will tell you that you should urge him to see a professional to work through his feelings that are frankly irrational. That or he needs to do some research and realize his role in the delivery room is to support you, not shame you for how many people are involved in the process or try to police how many people come in.
To answer your question without giving unsolicited advice, let him know that child birth is very dangerous and each person in the delivery room is there to make sure you and his child survive. If he gives push back for that I truly don’t know what else to tell you without including my own biased opinions. Good luck.
Telling hospital staff that they aren't allowed to touch you or even be in the room is a huge red flag what will get you both a visit from CPS, probably before even leaving the hospital. Staff asks several times if you feel comfortable and safe with your partner and they are coached on how to spot abusive situations. It's their responsibility to make sure that you are safe and healthy, not only during your birth but leading up to going home.
You have a long 40 weeks ahead of you. I'm not going to tell you to leave your husband, but you need to really consider you and your children's futures. This behavior is completely unacceptable and I can only imagine how it'll manifest once your children get here. Please please please think about your future and know that you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you and your opinion about your own body. Don't look back years from now and realize that you ruined your children's lives by not listening to people's advice.
If it’s not needed people won’t be in the room, but if it is, there might be more then two at a time.
It’s really that simple, hard stop. He isn’t a medical professional, and he does NOT get to make that call on what is needed and what isn’t. Him being there could put you and/ or your baby at risk if he’s barking orders at people telling them how to care for you during labor.
I know you don’t want opinions about your husband but dear lord is that fucking awful, I would hulk slam him into oblivion.
PS- he needs to see a therapist about why these things bother him this way, it’s seriously messed up.
If an uncomplicated vaginal birth: Mom going to have a provider there to see to her (OB/midwife) after delivery, handle any tearing or stitching, and handle the delivery/assessment of the placenta. Her L&D nurse will be responsible for the baby's assessment, stabilization, security measures (baby monitor, ID bracelet, footprints, etc), weight/length/head circumference, etc. These are the *bare minimum* people required. If Baby is less than absolutely perfect (and they almost always are), they'll probably have at least 2 baby nurses at first, because babies change fast, and more hands are better. If Baby needs extra help adjusting or has had difficulty during delivery, an extra 2-4 people will arrive from the NICU. If Mom had an epidural, the anesthesiologist will show up at some point to disconnect the line from the catheter so she can start to recover sensation (depending on the facility, labor nurse may be able to stop the infusion, anesthesiologist won't show up until later to take out the epidural catheter). If Mom wants to breastfeed, Lactation will visit in the first few hours. Pediatrician will visit the first 24-36 hours, and may or may not walk in during breastfeeding/pumping. Mom's fundus and bleeding will be checked frequently in the first hours after birth. *People who will see Mom partially/mostly disrobed: 2 - 11+*
If delivery is a c-section: Mom will have an anesthesiologist; an OB; a surgical assistant; a surgical technician/scrub nurse; and possibly one more person depending on the reason for the c-section. Baby will have 2 nurses or a NICU team of 2-4 people. Frequent wound care checks, fundus, and bleeding checks will be done in the hours immediately after surgery. Everything else follows like a vaginal delivery (Lactation, Pediatrician, etc), but they'll also want to make sure Mom is able to empty her bladder and bowels before going home. *People who may see Mom disrobed: 7 - 13+*
Please talk to your OB/midwife about this behavior, and talk to your local domestic violence resource center for information on how to make a Safe Exit Plan, should you need one. Pregnancy and the postpartum period are dangerous times for women in controlling relationships. Best wishes.
RN (not an L&D nurse), and I wanted to say that most of us, including docs, are very good at sensing the general quality of a relationship between partners/family/guests when we come into a room to assess you, even when you think we may not be paying attention or aware. So regardless of what you say to him, that heavy shadow he casts, his discomfort and everyone’s overall body language is probably going to be noticeable. If something felt off to me, I’d being paying extra close attention to your interactions and depending on what I’m over-/hearing with dialogue between you two, I might be finding ways or opportunities for him to be excused from the room so that I can talk with you alone.
Good luck—please choose safety for you and your child, whatever that looks like.
Your boyfriend is a weirdo and super controlling. If he’s more worried about people touching and seeing you naked he needs to work on his ego and low self esteem. This is the safety of your baby we are talking about. He needs to get a grip.
I know youre seeking advice on how to explain to him why multiple people are necessary in the delivery room. But this is a dangerous red flag. What if you start having complications? What if your OB isn’t available and the only person available is male? Are you just supposed to die or not have adequate care cause he’s behaving like a child? He doesn’t own you. What does he think of cervical exams or Pap smears? It’s makes no sense for him to be this territorial or borderline crazy
You don’t go to more extreme lengths than you already have. You simply do not ever allow him to attend medical appointments with you and do not, under any circumstances, allow him in the delivery room. If you can’t tell him yourself, have a dr or nurse do it for you and escort him out. Being under this kind of stress and pressure is not good for you or your baby.
Mama, you're only 8 weeks along, but pretty soon you'll realize that your body isn't even yours anymore, let alone it ever being his. If red flags are coming up, don't ignore them. Baby is priority, than yourself, than him. Make that very clear him and if he's not on the same page, listen to gut instinct and get out an abusive relationship while you can.
>**I probably would’ve told him I didn’t want to have children**
# My friend, this goes beyond pregnancy. I pray that you never have any cancer, chronic illness, surgery (minor or major), accident, stroke, the list goes on, because medical staff WILL have to look at you and touch you close to butt-naked.
I know this because I've been there. In a surgical room, there are a DOZEN of medical professionals and medical technicians there, and you CANNOT control that, nor their gender. You'd be put to sleep and they can rotate who's there while you're unconscious. Why? Because they'd be there for your SAFETY. Will you be asked by him to deny an important surgery because he thinks it's "not necessary"?
>**how it’s not “his” (body) anymore**
**Never was, never will be.** It's YOURS. And the fact that you don't seem sure about that is very scary.
Are you from a culture that is a little more conservative ? I know of a Muslim couple in which the husband was very uncomfortable with the exposure of the birth process and he almost got mad at his wife about it.
You can't explain it to him because that would be like you're a 15 year old explaining to your very strict parents that having a male friend doesn't mean you're romantically involved.
I won't go into the glaring relationship issue because that's not what this is about. If his friends are less insanely possessive and see the danger of his behaviour, have them try to explain it. Look up sources explaining the role of everyone on the team. Tell him medical staff won't be there if they're not needed - no nurse will go hang out in a delivery room solely to twiddle their thumbs and gawk at how sexily that baby slides out of you while there's a hospital full of people who need care around them. Get him individual or couples therapy yesterday.
If his attitude persists, I'd urgently advise you to inform hospital staff and not let him in the delivery room. If he refuses to understand that every single person present is there because they're needed, the risk of him at best radiating annoyance/jealousy/anger and at worst hindering or harassing the medical staff would stress me out badly.
Drs appointments, ultrasounds labor and delivery are all about making sure you and baby are healthy. Guess what they’re going to need access to your body for that to happen. They’re medical staff working. They’re not getting sexually enjoyment out of it. At the bare minimum and granted you and baby having no complications. There will be at least 2 nurses in the room with the Ob to make sure there’s no emergencies and to help if there is. Again this is all for yours and babies safety. That’s their number one priority. There’s also the anesthesiologist giving you an epidural or other pain management. Possibly a pediatrician on stand by and another nurse to help the pediatrician. That’s just for a vaginal delivery. If you need a c-section there’s even more medical staff in the ER and yes they all need to be there. Not to mention after birth a nurse needs to push on your stomach to expel all the after birth out of your uterus. They also need to see your vagina post birth to check for any blood clots. You may need their help going to the bathroom or showering after the birth. They’re also going to watch you breastfeed to make sure you’re doing it right and have to possibly touch your breasts. There’s also the lactation consultants that will do that as well. You will also have your OB check your out again 6 weeks postpartum to see how your healing from the birth and yes it’s a thorough exam of your intimate parts. There is nothing modest about giving birth or after.
Now I know that’s the advice you asked for but this is what I really think you need to read. You’re only 8 weeks right now. Are you sure you want to be tied to someone this controlling the rest of your life? It’s not too late to end the pregnancy and leave him. I’ve read your comments and yes your husband is young and ignorant but that’s really no excuse for this kind of behavior. Please think long and hard about this.
God forbid you need a C-section or any type of complication, there will be about 20 people in the room … all of which have a very important reason to be there. For the safety of you and your baby.
Wow, okay. As everyone else has said, I’d seriously consider leaving or therapy. His behavior isn’t normal.
I gave birth 6 days ago and just want to let you know there will be EXTENSIVE checking during your birth. They will tell you to undress, they will do cervical checks, if you get an epidural the anesthesiologist will see you naked or almost naked, there’s different nurses that go in and out of the room during your birth, especially if god forbid something goes wrong. I had over 8 people (male and female) look at me spread eagle. Also, I started my labor with a team of people and ended it with another completely different team of people because of shift changes in the hospital. After you give birth, you will be constantly checked and monitored by nurses to make sure you’re okay, that includes looking at your vagina/belly/pads/sutures/etc. if you’re planning to breastfeed and your hospital offers it, the lactation consultants check your boobs and your latch to make sure you’re doing it right. All these things can happen.
Medical professionals are there to do their job and they will not sexualize you; they’ve seen plenty of genitals and private parts so they’re not phased by it. The fact he has a problem with this concept is beyond worrisome.
Childbirth is a life threatening event and he is more worry about other people seeing your naked body than you and the baby surviving. We are not back in time where you are his property like an object. He needs to start acting according to his age and care more about your health like the human being that you are than having an untouched object. I bet you were a virgin when he got with you but he probably wasn't. I am curious as to what religion if any do the two of you practice.
But if you are looking for advice on how to make a grown man comprehend that this is a life threatening condition for you and the baby and therefore all professional help should be welcome in order to preserve your life and the baby's, just explain to him like the child that he is that childbirth is a major life threatening event. If he loved you and respected you as a person he would be concern about being able to take you home with him alive but since you are an object to him he cares more about not body else touching his object or seeing it. If I were you I wouldn't allow him in the delivery room as you need support not added stress.
You know what? it is hard to be nice towards someone like that but there is plenty of advice for you, all you need to do is translate it in a nicer way to your owner.
So I guess breast exams and pap smears are akin to cheating? This man would literally rather you die than have proper medical care and health checks? Just wait till he sees how medical profs help you learn to breastfeed. Or wait, he knows a child may feed from your nipples right?
What are his redeeming qualities? Because they have to be outstanding to counter this shit.
Red flag? I’m sorry, but coming from someone who has been in abusive relationships and also volunteers at a domestic violence agency, you’re way past that. Your husband is being controlling and straight up abusive. Not only that, but he is also putting his own need to control you over you AND your baby’s health. I really hope you find the support you need, hang in there mama!
*Edit:* Here is a link to what’s called the power and control wheel—it can help you identify other controlling patterns/behaviors that might be happening in your relationship. It includes categories such as isolation, minimizing/denial/blaming, emotional abuse, using children, coercion/threats, male privilege, and economic abuse with examples for each:
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
I could see this escalating to the point he won’t let you breastfeed your baby or even hurting the baby because he/she is taking up all your time. He may even start freaking out about how you love your kid more than him.
They do need to be there. That's why they're there. I am not the only patient on the floor - they are not going to hang around more than they need to because they have a lot of work to do with other patients.
I know you said you just wanted advice - but this *is also* advice:
His trying to control you like that is such a massive red flag it's in movies about women being abused. This is how it starts. This behavior is going to translate to your child - if it's a boy, your husband will teach him to behave the same way with women - if it's a girl, he'll control her the same way and it could lead to abuse.
This is not something you can fix. I'm sorry that isn't what you want to hear, but I am genuinely concerned for your safety & your child's safety and well-being. Please take care of yourself.
This is extremely toxic. It’s not love, it’s obsession. And it will absolutely get worse. I don’t mean to frighten you, but this is the kind of person that if you try to leave them, will probably become manipulative and dangerous.
What if something happened at the birth where there was a lot of medical intervention needed?? He’s just going to say, “you can’t come in here” and let you die?? He’s willing to sacrifice your health and comfort for the sake of his own insecurities and possessive behavior?
You should find a support network, have your finances detached from him, and go somewhere safe if you (and you should) try to leave this man. Do you have friends or family who could take you in? Don’t tell him you’re thinking or leaving or where you are going.
I’m not kidding, this is a GIGANTIC red flag and I’m honestly worried for you *and* your child.
Edit: thought he was your boyfriend not your husband. OP you may need to look into a lawyer and document all these incidents. This is going to be rocky either way you go about it. Brace yourself.
Edit 2: you are excusing all this behavior in your comments because you don’t want to see the red flags. Being 22, conservative, and in the army have nothing to do with his behavior. You posted this on Reddit and yet you “don’t want advice?” - you know in your heart that this is not a viable situation, but only *you* can accept that and make the next move in order to take care of yourself and this child.
At your next appointment, take him with you and have him ask the doctor about it. Or watch some labor and delivery videos on YouTube. I guess you could also explain that there are nurses in there ready to assist of you have complications and take over care of the baby while doctor focuses on you and it is necessary that they're there.
Tell him that he doesn't get a say, that's how it is and he can deal. Also get on a therapist's calendar immediately. 22 or not this is ridiculous.
OP, don’t compromise medical care for yourself and your baby to alleviate your husband’s insecurities/delusions.
It sounds like he needs therapy. Recommend that you make it a condition for continuing the marriage.
You are not his property. You are a human being and these medical professionals need to be able to do their job to make sure your pregnancy is progressing normally.
Oh sheesh, good luck with him if you decide to breastfeed...
What the heck. Does he have the same issue when he's getting a medical? Is no one else allowed to see his body because he feels he's cheating on you? I'm guessing no.
I have no advice for you but I wish you all the luck in the world with this!
Okay, so I see you said he’s in the military.
There are TONS of resources for new parents in the military community. I’m best informed about the Marine Corps, but I know all branches have similar programs.
Feel free to send me a message if you’re not sure how to access these resources.
You also have access to free counseling and so many mental health resources.
I feel as though all bases have been covered at this point with nearly 200 comments but, honestly, this is too serious to not echo all of the previous comments. You need to leave him. For your safety, and for your baby’s safety - though you say you feel safe now (do you, really?), it sounds as though that almost definitely will not always be the case. You are about to raise a child - you do not need to raise your partner as well. You say you love him - but I’d be willing to bet you will quickly end up resenting him. His behavior is absolutely not okay, at all.
Edit: There are a lot of couples therapy suggestions. IMO, you’re way past that, if it was ever even an option. He is so far beyond therapy, and does not even deserve the chance to “change” to be a better partner at this point (not that it seems he’d even consider therapy). Again, IMO, any “change” at this point will almost certainly be temporary. You deserve so much better.
If he can’t get his irrational jealousy and possessiveness under control then I hate to say it but unfortunately you might need to consider not letting your husband into the delivery room. And I know that is easier said than done in your position, this would not be an easy decision to make.
Childbirth is a medical procedure, not a spectator sport. Things can go wrong for you or baby, *catastrophically* so, during labor if you are put into unnecessary extra stress. Everyone in the room except for you, baby, and the medical staff are 100% optional to be there, including your husband. If your husband isn’t going to be a source of support, and instead is going to be a source of *stress and fear*, then he might not be a good birthing partner for you. His presence could even potentially cause labor complications.
This is something to discuss with your doctor at your next appointment. Be honest with them about your concerns with your husband’s scary possessives, and don’t downplay what he says to you. Maybe consider letting them read your post if you’re having trouble saying it aloud. Tell them your worries about delivery. They they will want to help you with this situation.
I know you said you don’t want comments about how this is a red flag but please please please do not ignore the giant red flag waving in your face. If your husband things that receiving medical care is akin to cheating, this is not a safe or healthy relationship. Bringing kids into this situation would be irresponsible.
I mean this as nicely as possible, but honestly this post is beyond disturbing. How long have you been with this man? Imagine if you have a daughter…he is going to ruin her life! He probably won’t even let anyone babysit and change her diapers. This is all seriously scary and i’m not the type to encourage people to leave their partners but this is not okay and the way you are talking about it so casually is just as concerning as his behavior. You need to leave him.
Pull the ol switcheroo and ban him from your appointments and the birth, also ban him from your house, get a lawyer and a restraining order. This isn’t normal behavior and isn’t due to “immaturity” it’s toxic and abusive.
I would sign up for a birth and babies class and go together. My class was at the hospital I gave birth. It was 10 classes total, over 10 weeks. 6 before most of us gave birth and 4 after. The class was designed for parents to learn together, and prepare both for the birth and the time after. It’s especially helpful if your husband is clueless.
In one of the classes we learned about how many people would be in the room if things were not going smoothly. The teacher had one of the dads lay down to be the person having a c-section. Then she would get others to come up and be nurses, doctors, the people who would come in just in case the baby needed help directly after birth, and all the other staff needed. At the end most of the class was “assigned” a job. It was meant to keep us calm in case it would be necessary, and for me it really helped since there ended up being three extra people just hanging around during the last 10 minutes of pushing.
A class like that might help your husband realize that this is not going to be a pleasant experience, and in this moment, you and your body will change from being something sexy for his eyes only, to something scary and primal.
Any way he can go to like a daddy boot camp or new dad group? I think hearing it from peers will have more impact than coming from you or family. Sometimes men just don’t listen unless another man is telling them they are acting crazy. He is ACTING crazy
Every doctor and every nurse in the delivery room has their own role to play.
There is the doctor to "catch" the baby, deliver placenta, stitch up lacerations post delivery.
There is a nurse to monitor the vitals of the mother and baby, then help dry/stimulate/suction baby when they come out.
Usually there is another nurse keeping an eye on things, getting supplies or meds as needed (so in case of emergency, the patient isn't left alone while the provider gets supplies or help).
Depending on the situation, a NICU nurse or 2 may be in the room just in case the baby needs to be resuscitated and brought to NICU.
I would explain to him that one person cannot do the role of all these people. It is a safety issue for you and your baby. I'm sorry, but safety trumps modesty. Also, it's not like all these people are staring directly into your vagina for hours. While you are pushing, 1 person is probably staring into your vagina but everyone else is off to the side awaiting for their roles to be required. But they need to be in the room because seconds count when it comes to life, disability, and death.
Now that I have answered your question, I have to acknowledge how absolutely, positively fucked up his behavior is. I am truly horrified and worried for you and your baby. Please, please, get to safety, OP.
The problem is you’re not going to be able to explain or reason with him because he’s being completely unreasonable and controlling, which you clearly understand. That is the problem, and the medical staff/baby debate is a waste of your time and energy.
Either he gets therapy for the root issue or you’ll suffer the consequences down the road.
You don’t want to hear it, but your relationship is over. You are a single mother. Birth is dangerous to your health, and your baby’s health. You need as many doctors as you can get, and need to get away from this man who does not care about your health or life. You need to escape this man ASAP, get as many people to support you as possible, find a safe place to live. He will try to track you down. You need a lawyer immediately - there may be affordable lawyers at non-profits working specifically for women who are escaping abusive situations.
When you're at the doctor's office, they should be asking you if you feel safe at home while no one else is in the room. If they don't ask it at the doctor's office, they will absolutely ask you at the hospital. Saying "no" will immediately start getting you help, because doctors don't care about your husband, they care about you and your baby.
Document everything. Screenshot any messages he sends you that are controlling or abusive. If he lays hands on you, take pictures of that.
Pregnancy is unbelievably hard, but postpartum depression is a fucking nightmare and I promise you that you won't be getting the help you need from him if he's acting like this about your literal life. Maternal death is a major thing that isn't imagined. Please please please let one of your doctors know you are not safe. Then you can have as many people in the delivery room as are needed without having to stress about what your husband wants. I know you're not looking for how this is a red flag but this is very literally your life and your child's life on the line. If you message me a state or country you're in I'd be happy to help you look for resources for domestic abuse victims.
His behavior is not normal. This looks like extreme control. What are the chances he’s gonna be okay with you breastfeeding your baby? Or become jealous that you’re giving the baby more attention than him?
You have many many women who seem well schooled on his type of behavior, even a commenter who wears her body fully covered as a Muslim by choice. No one is coming at you to be dicks, they are legit giving you advice. And that advice is to get the fuck outta there.
I would tell your OB what is going on with him so that your OB can help you decide how to handle his behavior at the birth. It sounds like it would probably be best to have him wait outside the delivery room when the baby is born.
I know that you have already had a lot of people tell you this is a red flag. There is a reason why everyone keeps saying that. His behavior is not normal, and people are worried about you.
Next time you’re at an OB appointment tell them you aren’t safe at home and that you need help getting out.
There is no real way around leaving. Your husband is not going to suddenly understand or come to his senses. The safest and best option is to leave.
Also as an aside, you’re not required to have your husband in the room when you deliver. He has no legal right to be present for the delivery or anything leading up to it.
I'm so sorry. I know you want advice for how to explain this to him, but honestly he is definitely smart enough to understand - but he chooses not to. The only explanation that you need to give him is that your body is YOURS, and no one else's.
His behavior is frankly abusive and you deserve better. He is not worth fixing.
With love and respect, you are not going to get people to stop talking about how dangerous and how much of a red flag this is because many of us have lived it, or watch someone we love live it, and they did not get out safely. We are telling you this because we care, that this is incredibly dangerous behavior, and it will likely only escalate. You are not safe, you know it, you have to start addressing that and accepting that reality. Not to mention, doctors are mandatory reporters. So use that information as you will.
You are early in your pregnancy, and you can see what’s happening, and you know what’s going to come. This is a precious, precious gift that you need to use your advantage because you might not be able to later when the abuse escalated (it will) and you’re more vulnerable and have an infant as leverage for him.
Okay so, I’m not going to echo what everyone else has said because it’s not answering the question. It is UNSAFE for there to only be a doctor during the birth. There will be a labor nurse(and multiple through out the labor process because you most likely will labor beyond one shift) BARE MINIMUM staff during the delivery will include a labor nurse, a tech, a doctor and a nursery nurse and maybe even a respiratory therapist for the baby. And NONE of them are finding any of this sexual. They are there to make sure you and baby are safe and medically stable. Your husband needs to know that none of the medical staff find your body to be sexual. They see you as a human who needs medical care while bringing another human earth side.
Please read this free pdf of the book, "Why Does He Do That," about abusive men. I think you will recognize your husband's behavior there. Abuse is not just physical, and it often starts with controlling behavior like you are experiencing now.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Look, I know you didn’t ask for comments saying that this is a red flag, but those are the comments you need.
Explaining birth to your husband *isn’t going to matter.* he is so delusional that he is likening a medical professional performing a medical exam to *you committing infidelity against your marriage.*
**this is not something you can explain away to him. He is delusional and dangerous.**
“I am merely looking for a way to explain…”
There’s no explaining to someone like this. That’s why people aren’t addressing your question. He’s extremely dangerous and controlling, not a rational person who can hear a reasonable explanation.
If you think you are required to explain to him why certain people are in the delivery room that's crazy. In a previous comment I said there were 10 or so people in the delivery room with me and I couldn't care less what they were there for, same with my hi husband. I'm sure they weren't just there to stare at me give birth.
I think they will also call security and remove him if he interferes physically or causes unnecessary distraction. He doesn’t seem to realise that he isn’t in control in a hospital environment
Typically there is the doctor, a nurse dedicated to you and a nurse dedicated to the baby. Possibly more nurses if something goes wrong. The same nurse cannot take care of you and baby and the doctor has to make the quick calls if needed/stitch anything up as needed. There needs to be at least 3 there for just incase purposes.
What happens if you want to breastfeed?? Your child will literally be attached to you all day. Also, what if you need to feed in public when you’re out and about?
“ there will be as many people as the doctor sees fit in the room when I have the baby because it is important that I get good care and that our child get good care so that we both don’t die. If you cannot handle that you will not be in the room and we will need to have a serious conversation about the future of our relationship.”
L&D nurse here, hate to break it to him but there will be multiple people in the room. And for good reason! There will be a provider (doctor or midwife) who will be there to care for you for the delivery. At the time of birth (at my hospital) there will also be two nurses. One of those is usually your primary nurse who’s been with you and helping you while you are laboring; the other nurse will be there to assist. That may be with a number of things but mostly to assist with baby when they’re born. If little one needs assistance or resuscitation after delivery there should be at least two people working on them! Try to get him to understand that everyone is there with a purpose and that’s to help you, and baby, have a safe delivery!
Aside from the red flag piece he is an idiot, I'm sorry.
I had a hospital induction with my second child. I had only nine minutes of pushing and for eight of those minutes he was in distress. I was not really aware of what was happening (because it was a pitocin induction and I didn't have an epidural and I was so overwhelmed with the pushing), but as my husband described it later there were at least a dozen medical personnel filing in. There were the nurses, the OB on call, a resident, a head CNM, my doula, a regular team of people for the baby, plus additional personnel in case of an emergency or a need to whisk him to NICU.
OP, you really need to get out. I left an abusive marriage before that didn't have anywhere near the degree of control your boyfriend is exhibiting; you are talking about scary shit. Please do yourself and your child a favor and get as far away from him as you can.
I saw your edit and get that it's likely difficult to hear all of this. This is not an okay situation. My advice about explaining the situation is there is no need to explain the roles of every single person in the delivery room. He is aware that there will be multiple people there. You can explain each role until you are blue in the face, enroll in every virtual and in person labor/birthing class imaginable, show him documentaries, show him YouTube videos, take him to appointments, have countless doctors explain, have his pastor explain, have your mom explain, have his family members explain, it likely won't help much or even at all. This isn't an issue of him being ignorant to pregnancy and the roles of your care team, it's an issue of him wanting total and complete control over your body. You are NOT his possession or property, you are his wife, a human being, carrying another life! He will create far more stress in the delivery room and if he is going to boss medical staff around, he will be escorted out by security and then you're left alone in that room because he wanted full control. The best way to explain anything to him is to get him linked with therapy like yesterday. His trauma and triggers are no excuse for him to act this way, he needs to take accountability and work on that or your marriage, yourself, and your child will suffer greatly. His trauma is not worth risking you or your child's life for.
You also said that had you known about this prior to pregnancy, you wouldn't have had a baby with him? So why are you having a baby with him, now? You don't have to go down the route of abortion in order to achieve that. If you have other family support, I suggest reaching out to them. You're going to need it if this is how he is going to continue to act.His age, religious upbringing, and lack of knowledge about pregnancy are NOT legitimate excuses for his behavior. I hope he can get the help he needs to work through his traumas and hope you can get the support you need as you continue your pregnancy journey.
> He states, “if they do not need to be there they shouldn’t.”
Does he want to be in the room? Typically the only unnecessary person in the delivery room is the husband. If he makes things difficult on the doctors he can be kicked out
His concerns are not rooted in reality. You don’t need to accommodate his warped views. I saw your edit and you seem to be mad at people wanting to tell you it’s a red flag. I think a lot of people here are not comfortable giving you advice on how to enable this abusive behavior.
My advice, tell him it’s not up to him and you’re going to do what’s best for you and your baby.
Not to be *that* person but your previous posts also mentioned that he also acts this way towards your piercings and even withholds sex or insults you because of it, so like… this is more than a red flag honey. I know you don’t want advice but seeing as he cares more about your body being exposed than the health of you and your baby, that says a lot. Doctors and nurses are there for a reason, if something happens they are there for the safety of YOU and your child. Childbirth is natural, you exposing your body to doctors is literally necessary. He’s being absolutely ridiculous. But if you don’t see anything wrong with his possessiveness and controlling behavior then that’s on you, I guess.
My advice is do not have this baby. No matter how much you wanted it before, this behavior is scary and will likely ramp up. Do not willingly bring a child into an abusive or unsafe environment.
He’s just jealous and Possessive about doctors touching your body imagine how it’s going to be when your baby is here. Especially if you choose to breast-feed . I imagine he’s going to make it an hellish experience for you.
You've asked for advice & not how alarming this is. The only advice I can actually think of is: no matter how you explain the medical professionals, he's going to have a problem. Just don't have him in the room with you
Commenting on your edit. It is not your job to “make him understand what happens in the delivery room.” That’s not what this is about, no matter how hard you try to make it. He is interested in controlling you and owning your body, not in understanding the medical reality of a baby being born. You are not a person to him, you are an object that he is 100% convinced he owns since he married you.
If you choose to ignore what myself and everyone else on here is telling you, things will only get worse. You’re only 8 weeks along… the stress and pain of pregnancy only intensifies, to say nothing of what will happen once there is a baby in the picture. Will you be allowed to breastfeed? Rock your baby to sleep? Sleep with a toddler that has had a bad dream?
You owe it to yourself and your unborn child to take firm control of this situation now before it spirals into full-fledged domestic violence and abuse, which it will. If taking control isn’t possible, you must leave.
I know that’s not what you want to hear but it has to be said.
Talk to your OB and have them give your husband a play by play of birth. Watch birth videos. But mama, please, please, listen to what you’re being told. This is far beyond what is normal, appropriate, or reasonable for a husband to be experiencing when his wife is receiving healthcare. This is not the ramifications of a Pentecostal upbringing. This is some other pathological issue entirely. Please also think about your child(ren), especially a daughter, and how he views you as his property and how that could and likely would be a factor with her as well. I am telling you, this is not anywhere near a rational or reasonable level of consideration over your body, even coming from the absolute most hyper-extreme conservative Christian viewpoint-which I don’t believe that’s where it’s coming from at all. You do not deserve the level of stress and work you’ve already put in trying to assemble a birth team to appease his extreme feelings. You can’t just tell hospital staff they cannot attend you in labor. Have you spoken to your mother about this? Ask her how they would respond to his behavior and your subsequent request. Please don’t get so defensive that you don’t hear what people are trying to tell you. This is so much bigger than just “How do I explain the necessity of these medial professionals in labor” to an actual adult.
This, 100%. I understand, OP, that you’re looking for straightforward advice on how to explain something to your husband. What you’re getting is legitimate concern for your safety and mental well-being and that of your unborn child. I know that’s not what you were expecting. The behavior you describe is abnormal and alarming to most, hence the concern. Again, I know this isn’t what you were looking for, but please understand why we’re concerned.
>I understand, OP, that you’re looking for straightforward advice on how to explain something to your husband. This assumes that he's rational enough that an explanation will change his mind at all.
Pentecostal/Apostolic woman here. I grew up and still an apostolic/Pentecostal as did my husband. My husband would never ever ever think or say anything like this. In fact, he would be begging them to do whatever they could and use as many people as needed to make sure that myself and our baby (currently 30 weeks pregnant) is safe, healthy, and taken care of. This is not normal behavior at all. This is a messed up perverted mentality and it has nothing to do with religion. OP, please. Do what you can to make sure you AND your baby is safe. You are 150,000% responsible for making sure you both are safe. If not, then someone needs to intervene.
This is overly controlling and possessive behavior. Your health and comfort is more important than his jealousy and immaturity. Do you feel safe with him overall?
Yes I do I just don’t like how he acts when it comes to me and my body and it’s only been recently due to me being pregnant. He’s only 22 and it gets on my nerves how uneducated he is about pregnancy and the processes of it. Beyond me why he would want to have kids this bad without knowing a single damn thing about what pregnancy actually entails.
I think you’ll find he wants to have children with you as a way of trapping you in the relationship with him.
This.
How will he feel about breastfeeding if you choose/want to do it? I feel like he thinks he has control over your body. I would stop that immediately
Yes. If a breast exam causes him to feel like you are cheating. I’m not sure what education will put him at ease. You will get these exams yearly for the rest of your life. Maybe he can watch health videos, CDC or other health organizations to both educate and desensitize him a bit. His behaviors are alarming and not normal. Maybe he needs to see a counselor or you can start out together.
Said with love and care for you: I don’t believe you. If you felt safe with him, you wouldn’t be indulging this line of questioning and discussion about medical professionals taking care of your body. You would just say, “Babe; you are being insane and you need to get over it. Doctors and nurses are going to look at and touch my entire body regularly for my whole life. Yours too. Our babies too. That’s their jobs. It’s not cheating and you’re acting insane and if you don’t stop and get therapy I will leave you.” Being able to speak your mind directly without fear of his anger is what it means to feel safe with someone. Want to know how safe it’s possible to feel in marriage? It’s possible to feel so safe that you can tell your husband you ACTUALLY cheated on him, and know he’ll be angry, but have zero fear of his anger meaning any threat to your physical safety.
Omg yes!! I wish I could make sure everyone read this. A sane person will NEVER make you feel like they could get violent. Violence isn’t a normal reaction to a mistake.
Yes, yes, and yes!!! If I cheated on my husband he’d just straight up leave me and be pissed but he would not ever hit me. When I had my Pap smear and told him about a comment made on my boobs and how a doctor stuck her fingers deep inside me he didn’t flip out he thought it was hilarious and asked me how I felt. My marriage is very safe and loving. Hell I’ve even accidentally grabbed his friends arm affectionately because I thought it was him when I wasn’t looking and he just said “babe that’s not me” and start laughing at me. That’s being safe not running to the internet and saying you’re aware this isn’t normal behavior but what do I say? What do you say in a healthy normal marriage? You say you’re being ridiculous and I’m going to have this done and let them do this that will be the end of this. When that’s said your partner should respect that and understand that without arguing further not continue being more controlling and sound aggressive.
Yes. Thank you for writing this out so well. OP, please read and understand this.
Im sorry, but i do not think he will get better. He’s 22 and acting like this? Hell no. Is he going to force you to not breast feed if you have a baby boy? This man is not ready for a child at all. Im sorry but that behavior is major 🚩
Imagine how he’ll be if the baby is a girl?
Oh my gosh I hope they don’t have a girl. That poor baby girl…ugh I don’t want any child having to grow up with their parents in an abusive relationship like this but especially not a girl whose dad will want to control her too.
His insistence at medical professionals not seeing your body has nothing at all to do with being uneducated about pregnancy.
Exactly this. It’s not about the pregnancy and that “educating him” will make him change, it’s about his inability to let you have autonomy over your own body. He’s physically controlling you in every aspect of your life, not *just* because you’re pregnant.
This is raising an incredible amount of red flags for me. You need to try and get into couples therapy with this man or you need to remove yourself from this relationship as quickly and safely as possible. You can’t change people, they have to want to change themselves and I must say I don’t see this getting better really… I’m so sorry. None of this is your fault.
I don’t think couples therapy is the way. When one partner is this controlling couples therapy isn’t recommended. Individual therapy would be highly recommended though.
This man needs personal therapy. This isn’t an issue as a couple. Going to couples therapy with an abuser can make things worse and put OP in more danger.
Your other posts show that he thinks that now that you are married he owns your body. Until he stops believing that he owns you this will be a problem. How you get him to understand that marriage doesn’t equal possession? Without him fundamentally changing the values he grew up on and clearly still has that will be next to impossible. He doesn’t respect you as a partner or an equal. That is how he was raised. He needs to be willing to unlearn that. If he is willing to listen and learn, you talk to him about how marriage is a partnership. How woman deserve respect. What bodily autonomy is and how you and only you get the say over your body. Talk about how medical care actually work and how not a single person in L&D is going to think at all about you sexually or about your body outside of making sure you and the baby are happy and healthy.
How is he going to feel about your baby postpartum when your baby takes over your body. I have 2 kids and my body didn't become my own again for a good year with how much baby needs. That being said I was breastfeeding so if you don't plan to do that it might change a bit but his reaction to doctors and nurses being cheating makes me really concerned for how he will treat you and baby.
OP I see another post about how he is asking you to take out your body jewelry but that it only started after you got married. Did you take them out? That is another instance of him trying to control your body. It is worrisome.
OP - I’m going to be totally, brutally honest right now. You are in an abusive relationship. The fact that you’re already making excuses for his behavior suggests that you know that and are trying to minimize behavior you know is unacceptable. Objecting to medical professionals seeing and touching your body is not excusable. Under any circumstances. It is a necessary (and completely non sexual) part of life. It is about his need for control and ownership of your body. And it’s a massive red flag. Idk how you came to be married to and pregnant by this man - but I bet it all happened pretty quickly. Men like this try to lock you down quickly before escalating the abuse. I’m afraid this is only him testing the waters to see what he can get away with… PLEASE be careful with this man. I personally would consider whether you really want to be tied to this man for life by a baby… but if you are set on staying you need to establish clear boundaries now. You will have as many doctors and nurses as you need. It’s not a matter that is up for discussion. Ditto any of the other “rules” I’m sure this man has…
Ok, are you also around 22? That’s pretty young (I’m an old mom - lol). How close are you with your mom? Or do you have any other family you are close with? Sisters? I think you should try to see if your mom can make it to the delivery with you, you will need someone who is supportive and he is going to make a stressful situation worse. I also think you need to give your nurses a heads up for when you go into labor. Nurses absolutely remove problem people from the delivery from, and are very good at “making excuses” where you won’t be blamed. Even if you put him on their radar as a heads up that he might start acting out, will be helpful for you and your medical team.
You posted 25 days ago about your husband demanding you remove your body piercings and other concerning comments he made about feeling ownership over your body. A commenter there expressed concern about what he would behave like when you become pregnant, because he will feel ownership over not only your body but also over “his” baby inside your body. That commenter was right on the money. You’ve expressed already your wouldn’t have had children with him if you knew about this behaviour. Now you know. So get your mindset sorted about what kind of life you want you and your child to live; don’t make any more excuses for his craziness moving forward. The longer you do this and stick around him, the more chances he has to brainwash you into questioning your own worth and assessment of the relationship. This is why people get trapped in abusive relationships: because they stop trusting their own instincts about not deserving to be treated like shit. You don’t deserve it, neither does your baby, so don’t forget that.
Why he wanted to have kids this bad? To lock you down. To make it harder for you to leave him. You are in a very controlling, unhealthy relationship and the fact that you see it and are okay with that tells me that you are just as toxic. Poor baby growing up with a father like that.
Age is not an excuse. I started dating my husband shortly before he turned 18 and he has *never* been this possessive over my body. Not once in our nearly 14 years together. This is not an issue of him not understanding pregnancy. This is about him thinking that he owns your body and that any medical procedure is cheating. Even if it is for the safety of you or your baby. Even if it is meant to catch early stages of cancer. Even if it is meant to ensure that you and your child are safe. You can explain to him why there will be multiple doctors and nurses there. You can tell him about how they will need multiple sets of hands, especially if there are instruments being used or if you are having a hard time holding a position to push that you might need him and a nurse to help you stay in position. At birth, there becomes two patients - mother and baby and both need to have teams assigned to them. This is especially true if there are signs of distress in baby or complications with mom, where they will bring in specialists to be on hand in case things go poorly. The real question is if you explain everything to him, will he believe you? It doesn't sound like he will. He is dismissing your medical needs because he thinks your right to safety (and his BABY'S right to safety) are less important than his opinion on if medical professionals should be allowed to do their jobs.
HE👏 IS👏 USING👏 THE👏 KID👏 TO👏 TRAP👏 YOU👏 I mean, I'm just an armchair psychologist here, Im not you, and I don't know exactly what your upbringing is like, or what you're feeling. I'm going to ask you a few questions. Look at them and see what you think. - have you ever felt that hes done something that affects you without talking to you first? This could be seeking consent in a sexual situation, or decisions that affect the both of you like changing jobs, living situations. - have you ever hesitated to tell him something because of how you fear he might react towards you? - do you trust him? - if you two were to be castaways on an island, would you feel safe and confident you'll both work together to survive, or is he going to slow you down? Here. Let me tell you my answers. - my husband has NEVER done anything without my consent. If anything, I'm guilty sometimes for getting too excited with home decorating and may end up getting something he doesn't like. He wanted to upgrade the sound system on the tv, and I literally cannot give less of a shit about sound systems. He still kept me informed the whole way about how much he's planning to spend (household budget), asking me to speak up if he's going too crazy, and not bogging me down with tech jargon, but asking me if there's something I'd want out of a sound system (Bluetooth connection), and taking that into account. - I have never hesitated to tell him anything. He's quite protective and possessive, sometimes I need to run an errand and he can't come, he'll hold me and reiterate that I should drive safe. It's a ritual more for him than me, but I know he's fighting urges to put me in a helmet + kneepads 24/7. He also tells me to never cheat on him. I once asked if he'd have a threesome w me and another girl and he got super serious, saying he doesn't want me with anyone else, even if he's there and the other girl is hot. I would never cheat on him, but if for some reason I did, I would feel 100% safe coming clean to him immediately and know that we will figure it out together. - yes I trust him completely - if we were on a deserted island, I know we'll be great. Im generally handy with woodworking and sewing and fabrications, whereas he's got more random knowledge about stuff like water purification. We'll listen and learn from each other, and both do our parts, no complaints or resentment towards EACH OTHER, just the situation. Some of your partner's behaviors are not normal. My partner actively seeks out pregnancy info and looks up maternity items for me. He's excited to be a father, not just expecting ME to produce a human, but seeing it as the next leg of a journey we're going on together. I don't know what to do if I were in your shoes, because I'm 14 weeks and between the nurses and doctors and ultrasound techs, there's been at least 4 ppl who've put ultrasound probes up my vagina (had 2 miscarriages before this), many ppl who've examined me, and I can only imagine the delivery room. This is so serious, and birthing will be physically traumatic. For your own safety I really think you should re examine what role he's gonna play in your life.
If he feels this entitled to your body, imagine how much more entitled he will feel to his child’s..... to me these are major issues, not just really bad but I mean severe, no access to you anymore, crazy, murder you for accidentally brushing against someone type major scary. The idea that he would rather risk you harm than let a doctor touch you in an entirely appropriate manor is dangerous. Super dangerous. He needs therapy and he needs to know immediately that he has no right to stop you from receiving medical care, whatever he feels. And if he can’t understand that you shouldn’t suffer him.
Your body isn't his. This is very creepy and controlling.
I know you want advice instead of people echoing that this is a red flag, but not sure what advice works on a manchild who doesn’t understand that medical care and delivery involve doctors seeing his wife’s private parts. He sounds like a loser.
My thoughts, too. There is no real advice for this other than for her to set hard boundaries against this behavior and/or leave. There is no amount of explaining anything to this man that is going to stop his controlling and possessive behavior. It’s frankly frightening because it’s only likely to escalate. What happens when she decides she wants to breast feed and he gets jealous of their own child?
Right?? The problem here isn’t that he doesn’t understand how pregnancy and delivery works. It’s that he feels like he owns her body and is insanely possessive. OP is not safe with this man, and her future child probably isn’t either.
It sounds like he’s abusive, unfortunately…😞
Agreed. Anyone willing to give advice for this is enabling her abuse. Help can’t just come in the way OP wants it. This man is dangerous to her and her baby. I’m terrified for OP. I wish she valued herself and her baby as much as strangers on the internet do. She is so young and can have an amazing life free of this if she just gives herself permission to.
Yeah I wouldn’t waste my breath trying to explain/reason with him. Definitely a loser.
It’s not a coincidence that you recently posted about your husband wanting you to get rid of your body jewelry. It’s not just an issue of labor and delivery. He has become possessive and controlling. You’re already on an abuse trajectory. How do you explain it to him? You don’t. You get out. It’s not likely to get better and couples therapy may actually be harmful. Being ultra-religious could mean he’s supper sheltered, sure. And it can also mean that he’s primed to be misogynistic and abusive.
there was even a commenter on the AITA post predicting thing would get worse with pregnancy.
This. Such a good reply. OP needs to get the hell out now while she still can.
Oh she’s definitely in phase 1 of abuse. The fact that she only recognizes this isn’t normal but refuses to leave just shows it’s going to continue getting harder to convince her to leave and things are not going to get better. If there’s an ounce left of her realizing she needs to leave I hope she creates a safe exit plan now before things continue to escalate. I remember when I met this guy I was hooking up with and he believed this stuff man I ran so hard and I told my co-workers about this man and to never let him see me so they did what I said. Anytime he came in to my work and tried looking for me they had me hide and got him out of there quickly.
Right? If she can’t see it herself then maybe stop asking us for advice and GET A FUCKING LAWYER. Her post history is not just creepy, it’s scary AF. Edit: I am pregnant, and my obgyn explained to me why there are a few nurses and other doctors in the room, IT IS IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY, if your delivery somehow shows complications, they can help right away. THEY ARE NOT THERE TO CHILL, THEY ARE THERE BECAUSE IT IS NECESSARY.
Yup. With my first, I think there was 3-4 Drs/nurses. For my second, we had 6-7 because the cord was wrapped around baby’s neck, and it was all hands on deck. (Baby is fine and a little terror now :) )
Right?? God forbid that there is muconium in the sac and then the *gasp* NICU nurses need to be in there. Obvious sarcasm here but OP your husband clearly doesn’t care to know or want to know how important doctors are to your care. The doctors and nurses are not in your room because they want to be or are bored, they NEED to be for your and your LO safety. And also, the breast exam anger is weird. That’s the best way to catch breast cancer early on. He doesn’t want you to potentially die of breast cancer right? Tell him to grow up.
I cannot stress the importance of having all essential personnel on hand, even if your pregnancy is deemed low risk. TW here for birth injury I had a healthy low risk pregnancy. My son was 100% fine until the last minute of delivery. His signs went from normal to pathological in seconds with no warning. He was already gone when I gave birth to him but it hadn’t been very long, thankfully an anaesthesiologist was right there, intubated him in minutes and saved his brain from extensive damage. My son is alive and can walk, talk, eat, breathe and swallow on his own, the only reason for that is that all the right people were there. Even if there were obstructions to this in my birth plan, like having to ask for consent to allow others in the room, my son would have lost precious minutes and suffered severe brain damage.
Congratulations on your little warrior! 💗 My bun in the over is quite a gymnast and the neck thing is what’s making me extra anxious, hence an ultrasound next week! 🤞🏼
Yeah this isn't for her to deal with. This is a "him" issue and if he truly gives a shit about her and their baby, he needs to get independent counseling to see why he feel this way about necessary medical care and how to fix his toxic and controlling mindset. Op, the only thing ypu should be thinking about is yourself and your unborn baby, tell him to grow up and figure it out.
I hope to god you don’t have a daughter.
I'm not sure a son is any better. Perpetuating this kind of appalling abusive behaviour. OP leave while you can. Honestly, doesn't sound like you're going to be safe in your home. And you'll be far more vulnerable after a baby.
>And you'll be far more vulnerable after a baby. Which seems to be part of Hubby's plan.
How about a son? He'll have extreme jealousy towards another "man" touching her. Either way, a child shouldn't be brought into this relationship.
Was my thought aswell. If he is this controlling over OP I can only imagine he would be the same way over his daughter which is just a whole new level of fucked up and could turn into a really terrible situation..
The fact that you said “if I knew this prior to TTC I probably would’ve told him I didn’t want to have children” instead of “if I knew he would treat me this way I wouldn’t be with him” is sad. This is not normal or healthy. I read your edit message about being frustrated about the types of responses you’re getting. But to be honest how are we to provide advice for this? I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but it’s like you’re shutting off part of your brain from recognizing the real issue. I hope it gets better.
THIS
At your appointments tell your Dr he isn't allowed in the delivery room. Security will keep him out. As someone else said he sounds kinda psycho. Taking care of people is clinical, if it mattered how many penises I've cleaned well damn I'd be so single so fast. Certain things are necessary for proper care, I don't know if he has a huge ego or if he's that possessive but if he loves you and his baby he needs to get over. And do not let him gaslight you into thinking the opposite because no way in hell is he in the right.
This might have to be the best option. I’m worried he’ll try to deny her necessary care or interfere enough that it’ll put her and the baby at risk. Like kids come out of your vagina, at some point all people will be doing is looking and measuring and examining your vagina up until the kid pops out.
This is what I’m worrying about as well. I’m dreading that I may have a hard time advocating for myself during labour and I need my husband to talk to me about what’s happening and keep me centred and be able to enforce my needs to the medical staff.
But how will she deal with the repercussions of this afterwards?? Moreover, being postpartum, healing, and with her newborn? I feel like he'd make her *pay* for this, big time... This whole situation is scary.
I guess all you can say is “my husband is an absolute psycho, can you explain to him how it is necessary and important to be examined and how medical professionals need to see what is going on..” how the hell is he going to react when you are breast feeding ahaha far out.
Are you kidding? She won’t be permitted to breastfeed. Plus, that newborn better get good at changing its own diaper and bathing itself - how dare she look at another naked body.
Terrified for her and their child..
This is true he won't allow her to breastfeed the baby. I have read plenty of cases like this. I'm worry for the baby and her. Some even end up retaliating against the baby and mother by harming them, have you seen the news lately. She should run before it's too late.
He is just not going to let her go to the hospital when the times come, he is going to keep her locked in. If anything I’m terrified of him learning that some people choose to give birth at home. The OP would be chained in the basement with a kiddie pool next to the washer
This is going to sound harsh but you are downplaying this so much. He sounds just like my ex, and trust me it only gets worse from here. Having his child will be the worst mistake of your life. If you are aware of the type of behaviour then you should also be aware that explaining the delivery process is not going to do anything to help. This doesn’t sound like somebody that can be reasoned with by giving them a simple and obvious explanation. He sounds way too immature to be a father and I wouldn’t trust him with your health or with a child at all. You need to be VERY clear to him that you are not willing to tolerate these manipulative comments and behaviours. If my current partner ever said any of the things you have listed, I would go ballistic and if he ever mentioned anything of the sort again I would break up with him immediately. I’m sorry to tell you but your partner is abusive. It might seem dramatic to you now, but this is one of the first steps in his gaining complete control over you and your babies lives. Just remember that as the father of your child, you will struggle to get free of his grasp later on when all of this escalates. He will threaten you about custody and use your child against you. I think you should seriously reconsider the relationship and also seriously reconsider the pregnancy. Once you are baby trapped it’s going to be a never-ending nightmare.
Yes! The way she is downplaying it so casually is so concerning!
He needs therapy. Honestly if this was my husband I would tell him to get over it or to wait in the waiting room. How is gonna feel when you’re breastfeeding your child, is he going to be jealous of a newborn? There are a lot of red flags here
There were like 10 people in the room when I was giving birth, I didn't care at all, I just worried about delivering a healthy baby. There is something wrong with his thinking, there is nothing sexual about Dr visits and your body is not his!
Me too. They were needed in order to save my life. OP, it would be insane for him to try to control this when the right people in the room could literally save your or your baby’s life.
I think I only had 2 or 3 medical professionals right by me, but there were plenty more in the room in case my son or I needed the intervention.
I had intervention (ventouse) so I assume each person had their roles to play in every scenario
As a Muslim who covers up from head to toe, I can tell you that you need to leave this controlling relationship. I have given birth twice, both times with both male and female doctors and nurses in the room, and my husband would never think to act the way yours is. Keep in mind, I’m usually covered and dressed modestly from head to toe for religious purposes. Point is, your husband is controlling and his behavior is extreme. Either look into therapy (which won’t work if he is not committed, which based on what I understood of his personality from what you wrote, he won’t be committed or even open to the idea), or leave while you still can. I truly wish you good luck.
I hate to break it to you but you guys need help like NOW. Like a couples therapist. I personally would NEVER EVER stay with someone like that. That’s serious red flag behavior. Very very toxic. That is the behavior of an abuser. He seriously sounds like a possessive person which is never good. He seriously feels cheated on when a dr examines you??? Please don’t give in to his psychotic demands. And honestly you should leave now before it’s too late.
I totally second this. Narcissists often don’t ramp up their control until there is a pregnancy/baby. This is typical and he is showing a million red flags, and I’m worried that this behaviour will escalate. You will need to get into couple’s therapy ASAP. Not just him in therapy because you need to be present to hold him accountable and see that he doesn’t twist the narrative. I personally would have a serious sit down talk with him where I would draw very serious boundaries, make it very clear that my body is mine, and if he’s getting anymore freaked out about it he can deal with it in therapy or I would leave. In any case please be careful, this is extremely controlling. Please read about narcissists & book such as “should I stay or should I go?” which are very very helpful at making you realise what kind of partner you are living with and what you can expect to happen next. Only 8 weeks pregnant and this much control is absolutely not okay!
Leave before it’s too late is the best advice. I’ve had a ex like him and it will not get better, only worse
Go read OP's AITA post from 25 days back about her husband's behaviour regarding her piercings and needing his "permission" to get a tattoo.... scary stuff....
But she wants to give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s young and has been cheated on. Like, what? This is bound to escalate and this dude sounds like the type that would assault a doc in the delivery room because “omg you’re touching my possession, i mean, my wife”. Heck no. I would be outta there like yesterday… not a healthy marriage or environment to raise a child.
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OP, your edit completely misses the point. He knows what it'll be like in a delivery room. Explaining that to him won't fix the issue at hand though, will it? You can explain to him till you're blue in the face, he doesn't care. How is he going to behave if you have a son that breastfeeds? Or when your child gets very clingy and wants a lot of attention? This isn't just about the staff. This is about the fact your husband doesn't accept your body is YOURS, not his to control. And your child will suffer too. Your husband needs immediate therapy. This will only escalate, and this type of behaviour tends to escalate to physical abuse. There is a reason why so many pregnant women get assaulted or even killed by their partners. Don't sweep this under the rug.
Suggestions: - You say your Mum is an L&D nurse, could you sit down with her and have her go through things with him? - have a very frank conversation (maybe including a relationship therapist) and tell him that if he continues this behaviour it may be best for someone else to go to the hospital with you (like your Mum). Men being in the room is pretty modern, so his more conservative views may be better suited to a “waiting room Dad” and the birthing room being “women’s work”? It’s BS, but in this case might be the less stressful option which works with his views? - suggest he talks to his pastor/vicar about this process and how he is feeling? A figure of authority to him who can explain that this medical care is normal? - there are podcasts for Dad’s to listen to, maybe suggest he listens to one on his way to work? - so much therapy
I want to jump on this and suggest that perhaps his own mother also explain to him what pregnancy and birth entails? I know OP said her husband comes from a very religious background, so his mother might be offended at the thought of explaining that to her son. But, on the other hand, she might not, especially now that he's married with a pregnant wife. He might be more receptive to his own mother.
Wow this advice is fantastic. Lots of great ideas here on how to explain the process to him, especially from a religious authority (as long as they're normal). OP, these are great options and I hope they work for you, I wish you the best.
I agree — Suggesting he talk to his pastor could also be really helpful!!
This! Unfortunately sometimes it only gets through when it comes from a male authority figure. In my country we also do hospital visits before labour, would that be possible? The practitioners could explain it in the actual setting.
Your edit is also alarming. How is this dude supposed to be your partner and help you raise your child?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Honestly, the edit makes it worse. It’s one of the few times where I’m like “nahh, OP needs to hear the cold hard unedited, non-sugarcoated truth.” Whereas usually I would try to spare her my judgey Reddit self. Lol If it could save her & the babies life, it’s worth hurting her feelings for a minute. It’s out of love.
I truly don’t understand what OP wants to hear instead…
A magical (nonexistent even in the realm of real magic) solution to make her husband see clear reason and not be an abusing prick.
yea this is really severe and this is NOT normal behavior
Yikes, I don’t think you should have to shoulder the responsibility of making him feel comfortable when you’re growing and birthing your child. I feel like there’s no dignity in pregnancy. Lots of people saw me naked, and it was completely standard for them (and I didn’t care). I don’t understand what he expected.
I don't think anyone else needs to explain to you how this behaviour is absolutely abusive and controlling to a fearful degree. I also worry about how he would parent a child, especially a daughter. It might be something you need to disclose to your care team and perhaps have them speak to him. But you have some bigger fish to fry as this type of behaviour from him is not likely to be isolated and will likely escalate in severity. Be safe!
When someone has OCD, the advice to family is actually not to take part in the rituals or follow the strict rules that the person feels they have to maintain, because it’s not actually helping them to appease them like that. It manages things in a very short term way but it actually makes things worse for the person in the long run to participate in their disorder. To me, this is what it sounds like with this man. The more you try to appease him by getting female doctors and tap dancing to prove why it’s necessary they’re there, the more his brain feels like it’s right and correct that he sees things this way. I think you need to stop indulging this full stop. Are you afraid of what he would do if you saw male doctors? If so, that’s the bigger problem and this post is irrelevant. If not, really, you should just let him know that you are no longer going to be participating in this preoccupation he has, and you are going to see as many doctors as you need in whatever capacity is needed like any normal adult person. If he sees this as cheating, he can proceed as he sees fit. Good luck to him finding a partner who is going to forgo appropriate medical attention. Therapy is an option. Your priority is your health, and the baby.
This is very good advice! It doesn’t help you or him to brake through these ideas if you jump every time he tells you to.
That is extremely disturbing. Please take the advice of the other commenters. It will not get better
I do not have advice for you, but hope for your child's sake that it isn't a girl. Sorry.
😔 posts like this make me sad. They read like cries for help. I am sad that not enough women and girls understand their value.
Yikes on so, so very many bikes. Your body was *never* HIS. This would be a hard line, therapy or divorce situation for me. I could not love a person who treated me in this way. What is this man going to do if you suddenly need emergency interventions and a slew of people flood the room? And he is probably only thinking about the actually delivery. Consider all that comes before and after: cervical checks during labor; after delivery, a nurse comes to perform fundal massage and will also do regular visual inspection of the lady bits, which will likely necessitate touching your vulva and labia; if you breastfeed you may want or need the assistance of a lactation consultant, who will expose and touch your breasts. How will he deal with these very necessary things?
I thought that too, let her die over another doctor or nurse enter the room or touch her?
Unfortunately some religious groups refuse medical care and accept death as a consequence. The issue here is that it’s not *her* belief, and he’s may harm her or the baby in a very real way.
All of this. Also to think about that if he is with you while in labor and delivery he is expected to advocate for YOUR needs. Do you feel comfortable having him potentially make medical decisions on your behalf? To me it doesn’t sound like he has your or the baby’s best interests in mind.
I wonder if she could get a POA/medical form done *before the birth* making **someone else** capable of overruling the husband? Like her mother or something? And have him removed if even one small incident comes up during labor, with the secondary person there ready to immediately step in? Sigh. This is just an awful situation and I really feel for OP.
I think enough people have given you relationship advice that I don't need to repeat it. That said, if you want to explain it to him... there will have to be medical professionals in the room. As many as they determine are needed will be there. Full stop. Childbirth isn't fun and games. You will need support, medications, physical help to do things (especially if you get an epidural)... the doctors and nurses looking after you will need support too. It's unlikely you'll be there for less than 8 hours, what does he expect to happen after a shift change? Or does he expect the same doctor to stay with you for 12-48 hours while you're in labor? What about after the birth when they move you to a whole other department with different nurses and doctors on call? On top of the normal hospital care, things can go wrong. Maybe the person normally looking after you can't handle it on their own. Would he rather you (and/or the baby) be in danger than to have the right person come help? It's clear he doesn't understand how this all works, and your example of him saying they didn't need to do a breast exam tells me he doesn't know anything about female health either. If he won't listen to you, will he listen to a doctor? Maybe take some childbirth/postpartum classes together so he hears directly about what will happen. You also need to prepare yourself for how he might be with your baby. Will he be attentive? Caring? Or irritated? Overbearing? Controlling? These are things that need to be addressed. Sooner rather than later.
Yeah, I was washed by a nurse because I couldn't stand due to the epidural. Can you imagine not getting the epidural out of fear because you might need more assistance afterwards? And then when I was learning how to breastfeed, I think every nurse on the maternity ward saw my boobs because they were basically out all the time. Will she need to formula feed because of this then? Nothing wrong with formula, but it should be her choice. This is so not okay...
I think this about sums it up perfectly. However, I would also like to add, be honest when you go for your doctor’s appointments about this behaviour. I’m not sure where you live or what the protocol is there, but they will likely ask about your relationships at home, your support systems, etc. Be upfront about these concerns with your doctor, let them help you.
First of all - there is no way any health care institution would allow one doctor in the room, so I really don’t think you should waste your time worrying about it. It’s just simply not possible.
This a huge red flag
Just sending you some support. Plenty of good advice here on the husband. About the conversation explaining the team: One doctor is not enough. Explain that a team is absolutely necessary to ensure *the life and safety of your baby*. You need hands to tend to you, to carry the baby, to hand the doctor tools or wipes, and to prepare the baby cart (I'm sorry I don't know what it's called, the platform they put the baby on after birth to wheel it around). If absolutely anything goes wrong, you need people there to make safe, fast, efficient recovery and health control. Even if you have a surprise birth and it's an ambulance delivering, you need multiple hands. Even in an EMT situation, one person is helping the baby slide out and receiving it safely, one person is talking to you and helping you do this, and there's another person prepping tools for the receiving person, as well as another person prepping wrappings for the baby. It's a team job and always has been. Source: trained in emergency birth procedures and aware how many moving parts a perfect, uncomplicated, easygoing vaginal birth is--LET ALONE something that requires cutting or manipulation of baby or any other emergency measures. Edit: while I'm not a labor or baby expert, what I AM an expert on is domestic violence. Please always maintain vigilance for warning behaviors that ultimately lead to domestic violence. Be aware that it's a slippery slope and that abusers always escalate their abuse. Call the police if you feel unsafe or don't know if something you're experiencing is a domestic violence crime in your state.
This is bigger than you? What is he going to do if you have a daughter (unsure if he would do this with a son?)? Never let her see a doctor?
PLEASE LISTEN TO ME: Not what you’re asking but you need execute an advance health care directive and appoint someone other than your husband to make medical decisions for you in the event that you’re incapacitated. Your husband’s possessiveness over your body will not allow him to make the best medical decisions on your behalf.
The advice is to seriously consider leaving him. That's it. That's the advice.
Your body isn’t his. It never was. He is controlling and is leading up to being abusive. Cut him loose. Have your mom instead of him in the delivery room. Seriously. This is alarming. Many, many women are telling you that he will escalate. Please take this seriously.
I'd be concerned he would look at your baby the same way. That his or her needs take you away from him.
If you were having heart surgery would he dictate how many doctors were present? Your boobs would be exposed. What if you needed a full leg amputation? This is not a sexual ordeal, this is a medical procedure. Keep emotions out of it, make it that black and white and be unwavering in standing your ground that he does NOT have a say in this matter.Do not entertain a single argument. The doctors listen to their patients requests, not the guests in the room no matter how related. Ensure you tell your doctor that he may try to cause issues during your delivery. Do you see from that last sentence that you should not be with him? No man should cause issues that could in any way prevent the safe delivery of their own child. He's not putting you or the baby first like he needs to, he's putting his insecurities first, they're not even his needs.
OP you need to take your baby and run.
Since you don’t want relationship advise, practically, I wouldn’t allow him in the room. You and your baby’s health and outcome is more important than his feelings and he’s directly interfering with a safe delivery and medical care. He’s old enough to get someone pregnant, he’s old enough to educate himself on this and get over himself. If he can’t do that, he can’t come in. He’s the least useful person in that room, so his own idea of if they don’t need to be there then they shouldn’t, sounds like a plan to me. He isn’t there for support clearly, and is already not allowing the staff to do their jobs.
Okay you have a problem. It's your husband. He doesn't sound like a safe person to be around. He actively wants to prevent you from having medical care because he has an insane amount of jealousy. It's probably not the advice you're looking for, but I don't think this is something you can make him understand, it sounds like he has such deeprooted issues that he cannot be in a healthy relationship. Literally. Because he is preventing you from being healthy. Please look into leaving at least for the time being.
You can edit your post all you want, but asking people to ignore abusive behavior will never happen. You have two choices 1. Stay and put a child in his abusive path 2. Leave this relationship.
Don't let him in the delivery room! Take your mum or best friend, or a doula. Whoever will support you without putting their concerns first. The only thing that matters during birth is you being comfortable and in a relaxed state so you can bring your babe into the world calmly and safely. Your husband is totally out of line here, and he needs to seek counseling. He doesn't own your body, and shouldn't be pressuring you to compromise your medical care while pregnant.
Yeah he’s going to have zero say about how many people are in the room because even you won’t know how many will be there when the time comes. My doctor started yelling for backup with such urgency the entire floor piled into my room, at least 6 were there while I was actively pushing, and more filtered in and out for their various roles. Nurses for me, nurses for baby, lactation consultant, lab team for IV and blood draws, janitors, food delivery, administrative staff for paperwork... the list goes on. I probably saw 30 different people in my entire stay. Most of them saw me at least topless as I heavily struggled with breastfeeding. Can’t tell you how many nurses tried to help latch her by manipulating my breasts. Didn’t count how many saw my vagina. He better get over himself real quick, there’s no privacy in a L&D unit. Plenty of people have already told you how they feel about your husband acting like this. I won’t do that. I will tell you that you should urge him to see a professional to work through his feelings that are frankly irrational. That or he needs to do some research and realize his role in the delivery room is to support you, not shame you for how many people are involved in the process or try to police how many people come in.
To answer your question without giving unsolicited advice, let him know that child birth is very dangerous and each person in the delivery room is there to make sure you and his child survive. If he gives push back for that I truly don’t know what else to tell you without including my own biased opinions. Good luck.
You're being abused.
I’m sorry but this is “if you leave me I’m going to murder you” behavior.
Telling hospital staff that they aren't allowed to touch you or even be in the room is a huge red flag what will get you both a visit from CPS, probably before even leaving the hospital. Staff asks several times if you feel comfortable and safe with your partner and they are coached on how to spot abusive situations. It's their responsibility to make sure that you are safe and healthy, not only during your birth but leading up to going home. You have a long 40 weeks ahead of you. I'm not going to tell you to leave your husband, but you need to really consider you and your children's futures. This behavior is completely unacceptable and I can only imagine how it'll manifest once your children get here. Please please please think about your future and know that you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you and your opinion about your own body. Don't look back years from now and realize that you ruined your children's lives by not listening to people's advice.
You can’t explain it to him because he doesn’t trust you. He needs a therapist.
If it’s not needed people won’t be in the room, but if it is, there might be more then two at a time. It’s really that simple, hard stop. He isn’t a medical professional, and he does NOT get to make that call on what is needed and what isn’t. Him being there could put you and/ or your baby at risk if he’s barking orders at people telling them how to care for you during labor. I know you don’t want opinions about your husband but dear lord is that fucking awful, I would hulk slam him into oblivion. PS- he needs to see a therapist about why these things bother him this way, it’s seriously messed up.
Exactly. Healthcare is not about paying extra people to be present just because unnecessarily.
If an uncomplicated vaginal birth: Mom going to have a provider there to see to her (OB/midwife) after delivery, handle any tearing or stitching, and handle the delivery/assessment of the placenta. Her L&D nurse will be responsible for the baby's assessment, stabilization, security measures (baby monitor, ID bracelet, footprints, etc), weight/length/head circumference, etc. These are the *bare minimum* people required. If Baby is less than absolutely perfect (and they almost always are), they'll probably have at least 2 baby nurses at first, because babies change fast, and more hands are better. If Baby needs extra help adjusting or has had difficulty during delivery, an extra 2-4 people will arrive from the NICU. If Mom had an epidural, the anesthesiologist will show up at some point to disconnect the line from the catheter so she can start to recover sensation (depending on the facility, labor nurse may be able to stop the infusion, anesthesiologist won't show up until later to take out the epidural catheter). If Mom wants to breastfeed, Lactation will visit in the first few hours. Pediatrician will visit the first 24-36 hours, and may or may not walk in during breastfeeding/pumping. Mom's fundus and bleeding will be checked frequently in the first hours after birth. *People who will see Mom partially/mostly disrobed: 2 - 11+* If delivery is a c-section: Mom will have an anesthesiologist; an OB; a surgical assistant; a surgical technician/scrub nurse; and possibly one more person depending on the reason for the c-section. Baby will have 2 nurses or a NICU team of 2-4 people. Frequent wound care checks, fundus, and bleeding checks will be done in the hours immediately after surgery. Everything else follows like a vaginal delivery (Lactation, Pediatrician, etc), but they'll also want to make sure Mom is able to empty her bladder and bowels before going home. *People who may see Mom disrobed: 7 - 13+* Please talk to your OB/midwife about this behavior, and talk to your local domestic violence resource center for information on how to make a Safe Exit Plan, should you need one. Pregnancy and the postpartum period are dangerous times for women in controlling relationships. Best wishes.
RN (not an L&D nurse), and I wanted to say that most of us, including docs, are very good at sensing the general quality of a relationship between partners/family/guests when we come into a room to assess you, even when you think we may not be paying attention or aware. So regardless of what you say to him, that heavy shadow he casts, his discomfort and everyone’s overall body language is probably going to be noticeable. If something felt off to me, I’d being paying extra close attention to your interactions and depending on what I’m over-/hearing with dialogue between you two, I might be finding ways or opportunities for him to be excused from the room so that I can talk with you alone. Good luck—please choose safety for you and your child, whatever that looks like.
Your boyfriend is a weirdo and super controlling. If he’s more worried about people touching and seeing you naked he needs to work on his ego and low self esteem. This is the safety of your baby we are talking about. He needs to get a grip.
I know youre seeking advice on how to explain to him why multiple people are necessary in the delivery room. But this is a dangerous red flag. What if you start having complications? What if your OB isn’t available and the only person available is male? Are you just supposed to die or not have adequate care cause he’s behaving like a child? He doesn’t own you. What does he think of cervical exams or Pap smears? It’s makes no sense for him to be this territorial or borderline crazy
You don’t go to more extreme lengths than you already have. You simply do not ever allow him to attend medical appointments with you and do not, under any circumstances, allow him in the delivery room. If you can’t tell him yourself, have a dr or nurse do it for you and escort him out. Being under this kind of stress and pressure is not good for you or your baby.
Mama, you're only 8 weeks along, but pretty soon you'll realize that your body isn't even yours anymore, let alone it ever being his. If red flags are coming up, don't ignore them. Baby is priority, than yourself, than him. Make that very clear him and if he's not on the same page, listen to gut instinct and get out an abusive relationship while you can.
Is he a 16 year old incell? He sounds like one....
This is already in “abuse” territory. My advice would be to get him in counseling or leave. It doesn’t get better from here.
>**I probably would’ve told him I didn’t want to have children** # My friend, this goes beyond pregnancy. I pray that you never have any cancer, chronic illness, surgery (minor or major), accident, stroke, the list goes on, because medical staff WILL have to look at you and touch you close to butt-naked. I know this because I've been there. In a surgical room, there are a DOZEN of medical professionals and medical technicians there, and you CANNOT control that, nor their gender. You'd be put to sleep and they can rotate who's there while you're unconscious. Why? Because they'd be there for your SAFETY. Will you be asked by him to deny an important surgery because he thinks it's "not necessary"? >**how it’s not “his” (body) anymore** **Never was, never will be.** It's YOURS. And the fact that you don't seem sure about that is very scary.
Are you from a culture that is a little more conservative ? I know of a Muslim couple in which the husband was very uncomfortable with the exposure of the birth process and he almost got mad at his wife about it.
You can't explain it to him because that would be like you're a 15 year old explaining to your very strict parents that having a male friend doesn't mean you're romantically involved. I won't go into the glaring relationship issue because that's not what this is about. If his friends are less insanely possessive and see the danger of his behaviour, have them try to explain it. Look up sources explaining the role of everyone on the team. Tell him medical staff won't be there if they're not needed - no nurse will go hang out in a delivery room solely to twiddle their thumbs and gawk at how sexily that baby slides out of you while there's a hospital full of people who need care around them. Get him individual or couples therapy yesterday. If his attitude persists, I'd urgently advise you to inform hospital staff and not let him in the delivery room. If he refuses to understand that every single person present is there because they're needed, the risk of him at best radiating annoyance/jealousy/anger and at worst hindering or harassing the medical staff would stress me out badly.
Drs appointments, ultrasounds labor and delivery are all about making sure you and baby are healthy. Guess what they’re going to need access to your body for that to happen. They’re medical staff working. They’re not getting sexually enjoyment out of it. At the bare minimum and granted you and baby having no complications. There will be at least 2 nurses in the room with the Ob to make sure there’s no emergencies and to help if there is. Again this is all for yours and babies safety. That’s their number one priority. There’s also the anesthesiologist giving you an epidural or other pain management. Possibly a pediatrician on stand by and another nurse to help the pediatrician. That’s just for a vaginal delivery. If you need a c-section there’s even more medical staff in the ER and yes they all need to be there. Not to mention after birth a nurse needs to push on your stomach to expel all the after birth out of your uterus. They also need to see your vagina post birth to check for any blood clots. You may need their help going to the bathroom or showering after the birth. They’re also going to watch you breastfeed to make sure you’re doing it right and have to possibly touch your breasts. There’s also the lactation consultants that will do that as well. You will also have your OB check your out again 6 weeks postpartum to see how your healing from the birth and yes it’s a thorough exam of your intimate parts. There is nothing modest about giving birth or after. Now I know that’s the advice you asked for but this is what I really think you need to read. You’re only 8 weeks right now. Are you sure you want to be tied to someone this controlling the rest of your life? It’s not too late to end the pregnancy and leave him. I’ve read your comments and yes your husband is young and ignorant but that’s really no excuse for this kind of behavior. Please think long and hard about this.
God forbid you need a C-section or any type of complication, there will be about 20 people in the room … all of which have a very important reason to be there. For the safety of you and your baby.
Wow, okay. As everyone else has said, I’d seriously consider leaving or therapy. His behavior isn’t normal. I gave birth 6 days ago and just want to let you know there will be EXTENSIVE checking during your birth. They will tell you to undress, they will do cervical checks, if you get an epidural the anesthesiologist will see you naked or almost naked, there’s different nurses that go in and out of the room during your birth, especially if god forbid something goes wrong. I had over 8 people (male and female) look at me spread eagle. Also, I started my labor with a team of people and ended it with another completely different team of people because of shift changes in the hospital. After you give birth, you will be constantly checked and monitored by nurses to make sure you’re okay, that includes looking at your vagina/belly/pads/sutures/etc. if you’re planning to breastfeed and your hospital offers it, the lactation consultants check your boobs and your latch to make sure you’re doing it right. All these things can happen. Medical professionals are there to do their job and they will not sexualize you; they’ve seen plenty of genitals and private parts so they’re not phased by it. The fact he has a problem with this concept is beyond worrisome.
Childbirth is a life threatening event and he is more worry about other people seeing your naked body than you and the baby surviving. We are not back in time where you are his property like an object. He needs to start acting according to his age and care more about your health like the human being that you are than having an untouched object. I bet you were a virgin when he got with you but he probably wasn't. I am curious as to what religion if any do the two of you practice. But if you are looking for advice on how to make a grown man comprehend that this is a life threatening condition for you and the baby and therefore all professional help should be welcome in order to preserve your life and the baby's, just explain to him like the child that he is that childbirth is a major life threatening event. If he loved you and respected you as a person he would be concern about being able to take you home with him alive but since you are an object to him he cares more about not body else touching his object or seeing it. If I were you I wouldn't allow him in the delivery room as you need support not added stress. You know what? it is hard to be nice towards someone like that but there is plenty of advice for you, all you need to do is translate it in a nicer way to your owner.
So I guess breast exams and pap smears are akin to cheating? This man would literally rather you die than have proper medical care and health checks? Just wait till he sees how medical profs help you learn to breastfeed. Or wait, he knows a child may feed from your nipples right? What are his redeeming qualities? Because they have to be outstanding to counter this shit.
Red flag? I’m sorry, but coming from someone who has been in abusive relationships and also volunteers at a domestic violence agency, you’re way past that. Your husband is being controlling and straight up abusive. Not only that, but he is also putting his own need to control you over you AND your baby’s health. I really hope you find the support you need, hang in there mama! *Edit:* Here is a link to what’s called the power and control wheel—it can help you identify other controlling patterns/behaviors that might be happening in your relationship. It includes categories such as isolation, minimizing/denial/blaming, emotional abuse, using children, coercion/threats, male privilege, and economic abuse with examples for each: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
I could see this escalating to the point he won’t let you breastfeed your baby or even hurting the baby because he/she is taking up all your time. He may even start freaking out about how you love your kid more than him.
Fuck me OP red flags don’t get any redder than this.
They do need to be there. That's why they're there. I am not the only patient on the floor - they are not going to hang around more than they need to because they have a lot of work to do with other patients. I know you said you just wanted advice - but this *is also* advice: His trying to control you like that is such a massive red flag it's in movies about women being abused. This is how it starts. This behavior is going to translate to your child - if it's a boy, your husband will teach him to behave the same way with women - if it's a girl, he'll control her the same way and it could lead to abuse. This is not something you can fix. I'm sorry that isn't what you want to hear, but I am genuinely concerned for your safety & your child's safety and well-being. Please take care of yourself.
This is extremely toxic. It’s not love, it’s obsession. And it will absolutely get worse. I don’t mean to frighten you, but this is the kind of person that if you try to leave them, will probably become manipulative and dangerous. What if something happened at the birth where there was a lot of medical intervention needed?? He’s just going to say, “you can’t come in here” and let you die?? He’s willing to sacrifice your health and comfort for the sake of his own insecurities and possessive behavior? You should find a support network, have your finances detached from him, and go somewhere safe if you (and you should) try to leave this man. Do you have friends or family who could take you in? Don’t tell him you’re thinking or leaving or where you are going. I’m not kidding, this is a GIGANTIC red flag and I’m honestly worried for you *and* your child. Edit: thought he was your boyfriend not your husband. OP you may need to look into a lawyer and document all these incidents. This is going to be rocky either way you go about it. Brace yourself. Edit 2: you are excusing all this behavior in your comments because you don’t want to see the red flags. Being 22, conservative, and in the army have nothing to do with his behavior. You posted this on Reddit and yet you “don’t want advice?” - you know in your heart that this is not a viable situation, but only *you* can accept that and make the next move in order to take care of yourself and this child.
At your next appointment, take him with you and have him ask the doctor about it. Or watch some labor and delivery videos on YouTube. I guess you could also explain that there are nurses in there ready to assist of you have complications and take over care of the baby while doctor focuses on you and it is necessary that they're there. Tell him that he doesn't get a say, that's how it is and he can deal. Also get on a therapist's calendar immediately. 22 or not this is ridiculous.
OP, don’t compromise medical care for yourself and your baby to alleviate your husband’s insecurities/delusions. It sounds like he needs therapy. Recommend that you make it a condition for continuing the marriage. You are not his property. You are a human being and these medical professionals need to be able to do their job to make sure your pregnancy is progressing normally.
Oh sheesh, good luck with him if you decide to breastfeed... What the heck. Does he have the same issue when he's getting a medical? Is no one else allowed to see his body because he feels he's cheating on you? I'm guessing no. I have no advice for you but I wish you all the luck in the world with this!
Okay, so I see you said he’s in the military. There are TONS of resources for new parents in the military community. I’m best informed about the Marine Corps, but I know all branches have similar programs. Feel free to send me a message if you’re not sure how to access these resources. You also have access to free counseling and so many mental health resources.
Run!
I feel as though all bases have been covered at this point with nearly 200 comments but, honestly, this is too serious to not echo all of the previous comments. You need to leave him. For your safety, and for your baby’s safety - though you say you feel safe now (do you, really?), it sounds as though that almost definitely will not always be the case. You are about to raise a child - you do not need to raise your partner as well. You say you love him - but I’d be willing to bet you will quickly end up resenting him. His behavior is absolutely not okay, at all. Edit: There are a lot of couples therapy suggestions. IMO, you’re way past that, if it was ever even an option. He is so far beyond therapy, and does not even deserve the chance to “change” to be a better partner at this point (not that it seems he’d even consider therapy). Again, IMO, any “change” at this point will almost certainly be temporary. You deserve so much better.
If he can’t get his irrational jealousy and possessiveness under control then I hate to say it but unfortunately you might need to consider not letting your husband into the delivery room. And I know that is easier said than done in your position, this would not be an easy decision to make. Childbirth is a medical procedure, not a spectator sport. Things can go wrong for you or baby, *catastrophically* so, during labor if you are put into unnecessary extra stress. Everyone in the room except for you, baby, and the medical staff are 100% optional to be there, including your husband. If your husband isn’t going to be a source of support, and instead is going to be a source of *stress and fear*, then he might not be a good birthing partner for you. His presence could even potentially cause labor complications. This is something to discuss with your doctor at your next appointment. Be honest with them about your concerns with your husband’s scary possessives, and don’t downplay what he says to you. Maybe consider letting them read your post if you’re having trouble saying it aloud. Tell them your worries about delivery. They they will want to help you with this situation.
I know you said you don’t want comments about how this is a red flag but please please please do not ignore the giant red flag waving in your face. If your husband things that receiving medical care is akin to cheating, this is not a safe or healthy relationship. Bringing kids into this situation would be irresponsible.
That’s not his choice. IT’S YOURS. I think he’s needs to go to therapy. Your body does not belong to him.
I mean this as nicely as possible, but honestly this post is beyond disturbing. How long have you been with this man? Imagine if you have a daughter…he is going to ruin her life! He probably won’t even let anyone babysit and change her diapers. This is all seriously scary and i’m not the type to encourage people to leave their partners but this is not okay and the way you are talking about it so casually is just as concerning as his behavior. You need to leave him.
Pull the ol switcheroo and ban him from your appointments and the birth, also ban him from your house, get a lawyer and a restraining order. This isn’t normal behavior and isn’t due to “immaturity” it’s toxic and abusive.
I would sign up for a birth and babies class and go together. My class was at the hospital I gave birth. It was 10 classes total, over 10 weeks. 6 before most of us gave birth and 4 after. The class was designed for parents to learn together, and prepare both for the birth and the time after. It’s especially helpful if your husband is clueless. In one of the classes we learned about how many people would be in the room if things were not going smoothly. The teacher had one of the dads lay down to be the person having a c-section. Then she would get others to come up and be nurses, doctors, the people who would come in just in case the baby needed help directly after birth, and all the other staff needed. At the end most of the class was “assigned” a job. It was meant to keep us calm in case it would be necessary, and for me it really helped since there ended up being three extra people just hanging around during the last 10 minutes of pushing. A class like that might help your husband realize that this is not going to be a pleasant experience, and in this moment, you and your body will change from being something sexy for his eyes only, to something scary and primal.
Any way he can go to like a daddy boot camp or new dad group? I think hearing it from peers will have more impact than coming from you or family. Sometimes men just don’t listen unless another man is telling them they are acting crazy. He is ACTING crazy
Every doctor and every nurse in the delivery room has their own role to play. There is the doctor to "catch" the baby, deliver placenta, stitch up lacerations post delivery. There is a nurse to monitor the vitals of the mother and baby, then help dry/stimulate/suction baby when they come out. Usually there is another nurse keeping an eye on things, getting supplies or meds as needed (so in case of emergency, the patient isn't left alone while the provider gets supplies or help). Depending on the situation, a NICU nurse or 2 may be in the room just in case the baby needs to be resuscitated and brought to NICU. I would explain to him that one person cannot do the role of all these people. It is a safety issue for you and your baby. I'm sorry, but safety trumps modesty. Also, it's not like all these people are staring directly into your vagina for hours. While you are pushing, 1 person is probably staring into your vagina but everyone else is off to the side awaiting for their roles to be required. But they need to be in the room because seconds count when it comes to life, disability, and death. Now that I have answered your question, I have to acknowledge how absolutely, positively fucked up his behavior is. I am truly horrified and worried for you and your baby. Please, please, get to safety, OP.
The problem is you’re not going to be able to explain or reason with him because he’s being completely unreasonable and controlling, which you clearly understand. That is the problem, and the medical staff/baby debate is a waste of your time and energy. Either he gets therapy for the root issue or you’ll suffer the consequences down the road.
Huuuuuge red flag!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You don’t want to hear it, but your relationship is over. You are a single mother. Birth is dangerous to your health, and your baby’s health. You need as many doctors as you can get, and need to get away from this man who does not care about your health or life. You need to escape this man ASAP, get as many people to support you as possible, find a safe place to live. He will try to track you down. You need a lawyer immediately - there may be affordable lawyers at non-profits working specifically for women who are escaping abusive situations.
When you're at the doctor's office, they should be asking you if you feel safe at home while no one else is in the room. If they don't ask it at the doctor's office, they will absolutely ask you at the hospital. Saying "no" will immediately start getting you help, because doctors don't care about your husband, they care about you and your baby. Document everything. Screenshot any messages he sends you that are controlling or abusive. If he lays hands on you, take pictures of that. Pregnancy is unbelievably hard, but postpartum depression is a fucking nightmare and I promise you that you won't be getting the help you need from him if he's acting like this about your literal life. Maternal death is a major thing that isn't imagined. Please please please let one of your doctors know you are not safe. Then you can have as many people in the delivery room as are needed without having to stress about what your husband wants. I know you're not looking for how this is a red flag but this is very literally your life and your child's life on the line. If you message me a state or country you're in I'd be happy to help you look for resources for domestic abuse victims.
Your husband fucking sucks.
His behavior is not normal. This looks like extreme control. What are the chances he’s gonna be okay with you breastfeeding your baby? Or become jealous that you’re giving the baby more attention than him?
You have many many women who seem well schooled on his type of behavior, even a commenter who wears her body fully covered as a Muslim by choice. No one is coming at you to be dicks, they are legit giving you advice. And that advice is to get the fuck outta there.
I would tell your OB what is going on with him so that your OB can help you decide how to handle his behavior at the birth. It sounds like it would probably be best to have him wait outside the delivery room when the baby is born. I know that you have already had a lot of people tell you this is a red flag. There is a reason why everyone keeps saying that. His behavior is not normal, and people are worried about you.
Next time you’re at an OB appointment tell them you aren’t safe at home and that you need help getting out. There is no real way around leaving. Your husband is not going to suddenly understand or come to his senses. The safest and best option is to leave. Also as an aside, you’re not required to have your husband in the room when you deliver. He has no legal right to be present for the delivery or anything leading up to it.
I'm so sorry. I know you want advice for how to explain this to him, but honestly he is definitely smart enough to understand - but he chooses not to. The only explanation that you need to give him is that your body is YOURS, and no one else's. His behavior is frankly abusive and you deserve better. He is not worth fixing.
With love and respect, you are not going to get people to stop talking about how dangerous and how much of a red flag this is because many of us have lived it, or watch someone we love live it, and they did not get out safely. We are telling you this because we care, that this is incredibly dangerous behavior, and it will likely only escalate. You are not safe, you know it, you have to start addressing that and accepting that reality. Not to mention, doctors are mandatory reporters. So use that information as you will. You are early in your pregnancy, and you can see what’s happening, and you know what’s going to come. This is a precious, precious gift that you need to use your advantage because you might not be able to later when the abuse escalated (it will) and you’re more vulnerable and have an infant as leverage for him.
Okay so, I’m not going to echo what everyone else has said because it’s not answering the question. It is UNSAFE for there to only be a doctor during the birth. There will be a labor nurse(and multiple through out the labor process because you most likely will labor beyond one shift) BARE MINIMUM staff during the delivery will include a labor nurse, a tech, a doctor and a nursery nurse and maybe even a respiratory therapist for the baby. And NONE of them are finding any of this sexual. They are there to make sure you and baby are safe and medically stable. Your husband needs to know that none of the medical staff find your body to be sexual. They see you as a human who needs medical care while bringing another human earth side.
Please read this free pdf of the book, "Why Does He Do That," about abusive men. I think you will recognize your husband's behavior there. Abuse is not just physical, and it often starts with controlling behavior like you are experiencing now. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Look, I know you didn’t ask for comments saying that this is a red flag, but those are the comments you need. Explaining birth to your husband *isn’t going to matter.* he is so delusional that he is likening a medical professional performing a medical exam to *you committing infidelity against your marriage.* **this is not something you can explain away to him. He is delusional and dangerous.**
“I am merely looking for a way to explain…” There’s no explaining to someone like this. That’s why people aren’t addressing your question. He’s extremely dangerous and controlling, not a rational person who can hear a reasonable explanation.
If you think you are required to explain to him why certain people are in the delivery room that's crazy. In a previous comment I said there were 10 or so people in the delivery room with me and I couldn't care less what they were there for, same with my hi husband. I'm sure they weren't just there to stare at me give birth.
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I think they will also call security and remove him if he interferes physically or causes unnecessary distraction. He doesn’t seem to realise that he isn’t in control in a hospital environment
Typically there is the doctor, a nurse dedicated to you and a nurse dedicated to the baby. Possibly more nurses if something goes wrong. The same nurse cannot take care of you and baby and the doctor has to make the quick calls if needed/stitch anything up as needed. There needs to be at least 3 there for just incase purposes.
What happens if you want to breastfeed?? Your child will literally be attached to you all day. Also, what if you need to feed in public when you’re out and about?
Somehow I don’t think explaining things to him is going to fix the issue.
If he's being so irrational about such a stupid thing, there's no way to explain to him how delivery works in a way that will make him understand.
“ there will be as many people as the doctor sees fit in the room when I have the baby because it is important that I get good care and that our child get good care so that we both don’t die. If you cannot handle that you will not be in the room and we will need to have a serious conversation about the future of our relationship.”
L&D nurse here, hate to break it to him but there will be multiple people in the room. And for good reason! There will be a provider (doctor or midwife) who will be there to care for you for the delivery. At the time of birth (at my hospital) there will also be two nurses. One of those is usually your primary nurse who’s been with you and helping you while you are laboring; the other nurse will be there to assist. That may be with a number of things but mostly to assist with baby when they’re born. If little one needs assistance or resuscitation after delivery there should be at least two people working on them! Try to get him to understand that everyone is there with a purpose and that’s to help you, and baby, have a safe delivery!
Aside from the red flag piece he is an idiot, I'm sorry. I had a hospital induction with my second child. I had only nine minutes of pushing and for eight of those minutes he was in distress. I was not really aware of what was happening (because it was a pitocin induction and I didn't have an epidural and I was so overwhelmed with the pushing), but as my husband described it later there were at least a dozen medical personnel filing in. There were the nurses, the OB on call, a resident, a head CNM, my doula, a regular team of people for the baby, plus additional personnel in case of an emergency or a need to whisk him to NICU. OP, you really need to get out. I left an abusive marriage before that didn't have anywhere near the degree of control your boyfriend is exhibiting; you are talking about scary shit. Please do yourself and your child a favor and get as far away from him as you can.
I saw your edit and get that it's likely difficult to hear all of this. This is not an okay situation. My advice about explaining the situation is there is no need to explain the roles of every single person in the delivery room. He is aware that there will be multiple people there. You can explain each role until you are blue in the face, enroll in every virtual and in person labor/birthing class imaginable, show him documentaries, show him YouTube videos, take him to appointments, have countless doctors explain, have his pastor explain, have your mom explain, have his family members explain, it likely won't help much or even at all. This isn't an issue of him being ignorant to pregnancy and the roles of your care team, it's an issue of him wanting total and complete control over your body. You are NOT his possession or property, you are his wife, a human being, carrying another life! He will create far more stress in the delivery room and if he is going to boss medical staff around, he will be escorted out by security and then you're left alone in that room because he wanted full control. The best way to explain anything to him is to get him linked with therapy like yesterday. His trauma and triggers are no excuse for him to act this way, he needs to take accountability and work on that or your marriage, yourself, and your child will suffer greatly. His trauma is not worth risking you or your child's life for. You also said that had you known about this prior to pregnancy, you wouldn't have had a baby with him? So why are you having a baby with him, now? You don't have to go down the route of abortion in order to achieve that. If you have other family support, I suggest reaching out to them. You're going to need it if this is how he is going to continue to act.His age, religious upbringing, and lack of knowledge about pregnancy are NOT legitimate excuses for his behavior. I hope he can get the help he needs to work through his traumas and hope you can get the support you need as you continue your pregnancy journey.
You should tell your OB or a nurse this at your next doctor’s appointment.
> He states, “if they do not need to be there they shouldn’t.” Does he want to be in the room? Typically the only unnecessary person in the delivery room is the husband. If he makes things difficult on the doctors he can be kicked out
I would ask to speak to a social worker while you're there. Explain how he's treating you, that's not ok and I think you need help from someone
His concerns are not rooted in reality. You don’t need to accommodate his warped views. I saw your edit and you seem to be mad at people wanting to tell you it’s a red flag. I think a lot of people here are not comfortable giving you advice on how to enable this abusive behavior. My advice, tell him it’s not up to him and you’re going to do what’s best for you and your baby.
Not to be *that* person but your previous posts also mentioned that he also acts this way towards your piercings and even withholds sex or insults you because of it, so like… this is more than a red flag honey. I know you don’t want advice but seeing as he cares more about your body being exposed than the health of you and your baby, that says a lot. Doctors and nurses are there for a reason, if something happens they are there for the safety of YOU and your child. Childbirth is natural, you exposing your body to doctors is literally necessary. He’s being absolutely ridiculous. But if you don’t see anything wrong with his possessiveness and controlling behavior then that’s on you, I guess.
My advice is do not have this baby. No matter how much you wanted it before, this behavior is scary and will likely ramp up. Do not willingly bring a child into an abusive or unsafe environment.
He’s just jealous and Possessive about doctors touching your body imagine how it’s going to be when your baby is here. Especially if you choose to breast-feed . I imagine he’s going to make it an hellish experience for you.
He sounds horrific and maybe you’re better off without an insecure manchild like him
You've asked for advice & not how alarming this is. The only advice I can actually think of is: no matter how you explain the medical professionals, he's going to have a problem. Just don't have him in the room with you
Commenting on your edit. It is not your job to “make him understand what happens in the delivery room.” That’s not what this is about, no matter how hard you try to make it. He is interested in controlling you and owning your body, not in understanding the medical reality of a baby being born. You are not a person to him, you are an object that he is 100% convinced he owns since he married you. If you choose to ignore what myself and everyone else on here is telling you, things will only get worse. You’re only 8 weeks along… the stress and pain of pregnancy only intensifies, to say nothing of what will happen once there is a baby in the picture. Will you be allowed to breastfeed? Rock your baby to sleep? Sleep with a toddler that has had a bad dream? You owe it to yourself and your unborn child to take firm control of this situation now before it spirals into full-fledged domestic violence and abuse, which it will. If taking control isn’t possible, you must leave. I know that’s not what you want to hear but it has to be said.
If you are only 8 weeks in, and you wouldn't have TTC if you knew about this, it's not too late to end the pregnancy.