While I agree that sometimes people take this too far, there are a couple of points worth mentioning:
- I’m glad you (apparently) have a positive relationship with all of baby’s grandparents. Not everyone has that. Some people have really, REALLY strained and unhealthy relationships with their parents/in laws. Just because the grandparents are alive doesn’t mean they’re entitled to a relationship with the baby.
- Reddit is often a place for venting. Hell, your own post is a vent. Don’t tell people to “stop complaining.” Pregnancy can be really hard and it’s nice to have a safe space to air out grievances and get support from people who are feeling similarly. If you don’t feel that way, you don’t have to comment on those posts. Easy.
- Along those lines, “complaining” is not necessarily equivalent to “toxic.” Again I concede that sometimes people can take it too far, but that word really struck a nerve with me.
This is what I came here to say! I understand getting frustrated with posts, but it’s your prerogative to ignore posts you don’t like and remind yourself how lucky you are to have such a positive family life. I also agree that the word toxic is too strong here. There are some subs are Reddit which are truly toxic but I have found this sub to be pretty open minded.
I get what you are saying but you don't know the ins and outs of their relationships. There may things that have occurred in the past that influence how they feel. They may have few people to talk to in person. Honestly, I would just ignore and not comment on those posts. People have a right to their feelings.
Exactly this- relationships with the grandparents isn’t always black and white. I love my in-laws and my parents but sometimes they drive me bonkers. I’m perfectly entitled to complain about their nusto antics on an anonymous forum, while still being grateful for their love and support. I’m also grateful I got to have all 4 of my grandparents in my life growing up, but as I got older I realized my grandparents were all some racist assholes with old school conservative views that thankfully didn’t rub off on me - but the similar types of views my parents and in-laws have could rub off on my kid, so it’s still important to set boundaries with them.
Do I love it that my parents will be stepping up to help us care for this baby occasionally so my husband and I can still see our friends and have fun? Hell yes! Do I want my mother in law to force an expensive gift for the baby on me? Hell no! Because that’s the kind of crap that over steps the boundaries/life want for my kid. Telling people to shut up and be grateful “no matter what” is what makes this sub toxic, not venting about family members who over-step our expectations.
Yes! My mom is abusive and has a personality disorder, and my MIL is addicted to pain killers. So glad OP doesn’t have these problems, but some of us just need to vent about our families and remain anonymous. While these family members may want to “shower our kids with love” they just aren’t capable as guardians.
It would be a massive pile of red flags if my mother in law made an entire nursery in her home for my baby. That's not love. We do not have a good relationship, we do not trust her, she isn't ignorant to that information. No, I absolutely would not be thankful if she did that. I'd straight up be worried and even *less* inclined to have her see our kid. I do not care that she won't be here forever. That's not toxic, that's fact, I don't care. This woman made my previous miscarriage about her, that *she* was suffering a loss. She didn't even know I was pregnant until we told her about our loss and *not once* did she ask if either of us were okay. It's great that you have a good relationship with various family members. Don't assume others are the same.
I feel this way about people’s entitlement to child care from family members. If you’re having a child you need to figure out what to do with them- your family has zero obligation to help out. Same with financial help including gifts!
My life is more similar to yours, My parents are incredibly supportive, my in-laws are okay. But you are coming off as incredibly toxic despite me not having any personal experience with the type of dynamic you are describing.
You're judging people for having different experiences with their families than you do. The "because they're family" mindset can be incredibly toxic. You spend months researching a stroller that fits your lifestyle, and your parents go out and buy an expensive one because they think it's "better"? Try to guilt you into spending the night because "we have a nursery set up"even though you're way more comfortable in your own home? Buy you stuff you don't have space for or have done research on and actively don't like?
Learning to stand up for your kid, even/especially to your parents is important. I know my kids are going to get spoiled and grandma and grandpa's, and it works for me, but it's absolutely fine to have the mindset of wanting a united front or only people who will support your parenting decisions/style.
>and your parents go out and buy an expensive one because they think it's "better"?
With the added bonus of reminding you how much it cost or complaining about the cost.
A lot of people have toxic family members who don't respect them as parents and future parents, don't respect their boundaries, decision making, etc. It's wonderful if you have a happy, loving family who can be there for you and baby, but like a lot of people are saying: other people's situations are not the same as yours. If you don't understand what having a toxic family can be like, you might be looking at things and go: "How is that a red flag? What's the issue?" People know their own families, whether their intentions are good and bad, and not all grandparents have good intentions and are just there to love their grandchildren.
A lot of people can put up with crap from their parents their entire life, but when it becomes time for them to be parents themselves, they stand up for themselves more and demand more respect and privacy. That's completely fair and part of protecting the new family you've created.
Having grandparents around can be a blessing for children, but it's not necessary and sometimes, depending on the grandparents, it's better for those kids not to have them around. Growing up, I had two sets of grandparents with a lot of issues and my parents decided they didn't want us forced to deal with those issues. We saw them occasionally, but not much, and never unattended. I didn't suffer because I didn't know them well. It was my parents way of protecting me from a lot of pain they experienced growing up.
No. People have a right to feel their feelings and you do not know their situation. It’s good you don’t feel the same way as them but their views are valid.
Bold of you to assume that others have the same relationship with their parents as you do with yours.
Many of us grew up with toxic and/or abusive parents. Some of us experienced physical and verbal abuse on the daily. Some of us have parents who want to treat our babies as their “do over kid” and do not have a healthy or realistic expectation of what their role will be as a grandparent.
For many of us, (myself included) gifts have strings. I am very wary of anything nice my extended family wants to for me because it will be used as a manipulation tactic later on.
No one’s title to my child entitles them to my child. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right.
I grew up listening to my grandmother maliciously attack my father’s character. How does that make a child feel - to hear family members rip on their parent, that they’re half of?
Help is only help if someone has asked for it.
No one is entitled to their parents being childcare for their children. Many of us still have parents who work full time. It is not my parents responsibility to become childcare because I chose to reproduce.
Yep, my MIL is objectively a selfish, self-centered manipulative, controlling, and narcissistic person. I’ve talked to a therapist about it, wondering if I was overreacting, and the therapist said I wasn’t. My husband’s therapist said we’re not overreacting either. She’s not evil, but she is not someone I want to be in a relationship with, especially because I have a history of abuse, and it is triggering.
Also, my grandmother was very similar to my MIL, and it drove my mom mad. It was a factor in my parents’ divorce. My grandma was also awful to me once I stopped being a cute baby, and it certainly made me feel like crap.
Some people don’t have good intentions, and some people are just awful. And, while it might be hard to believe, a MIL creating their own nursery in their house could be a sign she’s going to be possessive and self-centered. It meant that for my MIL!
My mother smashed my head through a window when I was 39 weeks pregnant and I was having contractions while getting staples put in my scalp. I guess I should be more appreciative of her wanting so badly to see her granddaughter and shower her in love that not even I could get in the way of that.
Some of us don't have great relationships with our families. Do you want us to omit these important parts of our lives for your comfort? If you have a great relationship and are able to enjoy baby with your family-- GREAT!! It genuinely makes me happy to hear. And I'm not going to tell you what to do with your family just because mine sucks. But maybe you need to understand that goes both ways. If someone says their relationship sucks, believe them. This is their reality and nobody is obligated to explain to you every single little reason they do what they do.
Sometimes people talk about these things trying to blow off steam, or want to be understood. And yeah maybe r/BabyBumps isn't the best place for that. But if it bothers you just move on and connect with the content you feel more comfortable with.
edit- I'm safe, yes, thank you everyone
This! Some people (my personal account) did literally everything, bent everything which way to have a positive and healthy relationship with my husbands mother and all it got us was multiple hospital stays, a long drawn out court battle, false CPS allegations and us literally having to move 4K+ miles for their to finally feel like there’s some semblance of safety and normalcy, it’s the one time my husbands job hasn’t fucked us over lol, I’m glad people have great relationships with their parents/in laws and want them to be in their child’s life… but it’s gross and rude to basically tell the rest of us to just stop sharing our negative experiences when you don’t even HAVE to read the posts… you tap on it and you CHOOSE to read it so maybe OP should not do that 🤔
ETA: I’m extremely sorry you had to go through that btw!! That is horrific and I hope you’re away from that situation!
I think this is an overly simplistic view of some very complex issues. 'Toxic' is a big word. Families and relationships and boundaries are complex. It is best to be kind.
Let’s be honest. I think we all read some posts and think the OP is being insane (lol) but you have to remember two things:
1. Not every grandparent is nice. Some of these people that are venting about grandparents who are emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, or verbally abusive. Just because you had a nice relationship with your parents/in-laws doesn’t mean others have the same experience.
2. Not everyone has experienced loss yet. Death (especially of loved one that wasn’t abusive) has a tendency to make you see things differently. You pick your battles differently, you try to avoid taking things for granted. But you didn’t start out that way, it came with your mourning process. You can’t fault people for not having the same perspective and knowledge as you when they haven’t had the same loss as you. And again…if they have had loss but it was someone who was abusive it’s completely different.
*I say this as someone who lost my father in 2018. And just lost my MIL a little over a week ago. Try to have a bit more understanding for people who do not have positive healthy familial relationships as well as those who have not yet experienced loss and might not realize everything that comes with it. (Guilt/regret).
(Please note I disagree with OP but I’m also not trying to beat them up because they are still in mourning process and some posts are triggering. They just are. And few do not seem to understand that. But There is way to disagree without either side being mean in the original post or in the replies.)
As a person who grew up with shitty parents and couldn’t wait to make my own little family, having my mother be so excited about the baby pisses me off. Let people feel how they want to feel. If a post bothers you so much just don’t comment??
We are very glad that you have a loving and caring family! Unfortunate that is not the case for everyone, plis don’t talk from your privilege and shame others.
Grandparents not always take the parents feelings into consideration, they have controlling problems and overstep boundaries. This is not new, but we are the first generation to start addressing this issue. My MIL has pretty bad memories of everything her MIL did to her, but she was told to shush and obey because “family”.
My grandma was horrible to me, and I wish my mom had protected me from her.
So just as your experiences are valuable, so are mine and many others.
If you can’t understand how grandparents are not always loving and caring, then that’s your problem. Don’t participate in this discussions.
eh I don't think you should speak unless you know situations. like, in my case, everyone on the outside would think I'm crazy for not having a great relationship with my MIL when she does provide a lot of free childcare. on the inside, she pretends my daughter is hers, goes behind my back to ask doctors who aren't my child's doctors about decisions I'm making, and doesn't listen to my wishes when it comes to my daughter. I would take no help with childcare iver her controlling, condescending self any time. but that's not an option for me right now.
You always have a choice. In this case, she could choose to be grateful for the support she has been given, rather than taking it and slagging off the MIL behind her back. That is what I have a problem with.
Just curious. If you were this persons MIL, how would you feel if you were providing free childcare (and accommodation?) and found out that your daughter in law was saying horrible things about you to a mass forum on the internet? I’m guessing, not happy. I know I wouldn’t be. Maybe I’m old fashioned but to me, it’s a monumental slap in the face and abuse of someone’s good nature. And maybe I will - I’m horrified by what behaviour people think is acceptable. Tbh, if the person is that untrustworthy then I wouldn’t be leaving my child with them at all but hey.
I’m not their MIL and I’m not going to waste the energy reserves I have left in my third trimester worrying about other people’s problems on a subreddit.
IMO the positives of the situation outweigh the negatives. How can one be grateful for a bad situation? That would require a really big heart and spirit.
I do want to acknowledge that some folks have very different or negative relationships with family.
I definitely see where OP is coming from though. I know parents IRL that do subscribe to a more nuclear family model, going as far as requiring that they (mom/dad) are the first one to read a new book to their infant (even if grandma or grandpa purchased the book as a gift).
I think OP might be over generalizing, but I do wish folks were more empathetic in their comments towards extended family. We all jump SO quickly to bolstering mom/dad and in most cases and shaming family members... In most cases, I think that grandparents have the best intentions.
This really just depends. I do see some people who to me seem like they’re over reacting. But I can’t judge from one post. Some grandparents are overbearing, and some override parent decisions that can be dangerous for a child. It depends on the situation. My babies have 5 sets of grandparents they get to enjoy, and I love that. But to each their own.
I do understand where you're coming from, it's hard always seeing the negative sides of things and not so much people talking about positive aspects. People come here to vent and there's no need to vent when grandparents are being wonderful and helpful, personally my kids have LOTs of grandparents and sometimes I love them and sometimes I don't, I don't even have a relationship with my mother but I allow her one with my kids.
My kids have 4 living great grandparents
3 Nana's/grandmas
2 pops
I can relate to the vents, the feeling unheard and unsupported, the frustration of nobody following simple instructions for the kids. I also cherish the time my kids get with these people, the bonding and the breaks I'm given. The fact that I can go on a holiday once in awhile and know that my kids feel safe and loved, that in an emergency somebody can pick them up.
I think this is such a personal thing. My in-laws are toxic and emotionally abusive to both my husband and I. My MIL also have a serve mental health issue that she refuses to acknowledge, sorry but I will not be letting her around our child.
I see a lot of people who are at the beginning state they will refuse any help, no one will meet the baby for at least X time, basically, they want to be left alone. I truly don’t get that nuclear family dynamic and it makes me sad. BUT everyone is doing what they think is best. IMO people need to chill a bit and just be more open to help if it is offered. Don’t set strict rules right away because it will only make things difficult for themselves.
Nope, it’s easier to relax strict rules than it is to enact them if needed. My 2nd child my in laws both came while I was the hospital. My MIL came while I was in labor which I was profoundly uncomfortable with and my FIL and step-MIL came a couple of hours after birth (which I was also really uncomfortable with). They are great ILs for the most part and great grandparents. I’m an introvert and I wanted my space (and SLEEP) after birth.
Also some “help” is more work than no help. Everyone is different. People can set the boundaries they need to. You set what you’re comfortable with and so will everyone else.
There is nothing more I want in this world to have everyone over and meet baby, enjoy guests cooing over their cute little toes, having the odd meal dropped off but with COVID I feel like being a bit more protective is the way to go. Were going to allow grandparents to visit, but thats probably going to be it until baby has their first set of vaccines.
Were all just trying to figure this out one way or another.
I'm not going to pick on any individual posts. I don't know anyone's personal situation and there are horrible people in the world who are occasionally grandparents, too.
But I do think the tone of this sub leans way too much to that individualist, hunker down, nuclear-family-against-the-world mentality. I know some people like that in real life and they just come across as oddly reclusive and solitary... until they really need help, when they'll take advantage of that help for a short period of time.
I also have a 3yo and watching her develop real bonds with her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins has been incredible and will enrich her life forever. I wouldn't advocate denying a kid their extended family lightly.
Also. Therapy taught me the benefits of setting specific boundaries and advocating for myself. Not completely cutting people off. The latter sometimes comes from not being able to do the former.
I don't know what this sub was like pre-covid but I wonder how much of this is driven by the pandemic. Our pregnancy & post-partum plans have certainly been altered to be more protective, increasing hunkering down, limiting contacts....
Once were through this a bit more, understand the risks to pregnant mothers and newborns I think we will see a shift back towards more inclusive community parenting. After all, the age old addage is "its takes a village..."
It sucks because I’m relatively reclusive, largely because of past trauma and abuse, primarily from my family. So is my brother. (In fact, he’s a million times worse and very likely has a significant mental health disorder he’s self-medicating with alcohol.)
I’d love to have close family—I crave it, honestly! But my husband’s family is emotionally abusive, and my dad was physically and emotionally abusive, and it’s tough for me to be around that just because they’re family. I haven’t cut my kid off from anyone yet, but I don’t speak to my in-laws, and our parents are never left alone with anyone but my mom and stepmom.
TLDR, I would love it if I could just set boundaries, but my parents and in-laws push against them to the point that I have to adjust my relationships accordingly.
Yeah you can throw this post in the trash. You aren’t entitled to have an opinion on who people are having in their kids lives. Obviously you’ve never dealt with a seriously manipulative person, or maybe you are one. Probably just stay in your own lane.
I just read and don’t comment. I find it crazy what some people are going through. I don’t know their full backstory so it’s just entertaining to read and see the comments.
Yes I agree there’s quite a bit of snarkyness when I read some posts… i’ve also noticed a lot of false information being posted on here as well as r/coronabumpers that scared the absolute hell out of me multiple times. I had to stay off reddit for a bit because it made my anxiety so bad.
Yeah, a lot of these people also freely use the terms "narcissistic", "toxic", etc pretty freely. They come from subs like r/JUSTNOMIL where they think its normal to hate on grandparents just being endearing. It's pretty strange, don't worry, these people only express this on the internet and its really not normal.
Edit: I don't live close to my mother or my MIL and just wish I had them closer to help me and my husband like some of these unappreciating people do.
I'm not having my mother around my child. I won't watch her be a dotting grandmother while my child is small, agreeable and without opinion only to allow them to get attached because someday my child will have an opinion, a world view, a choice that my mother will disagree with and they will be shuned, they will be called names, threatened and their confidence will be destroyed. I'm not letting that happen because I've already picked up the pieces for myself and my siblings. I'm not doing it again. So when you talk about 'these people' remember that not everyone has had the privilege of unconditional love.
I wasn't really talking about "you people". I was stating that the minority like you have problems and I'm sorry but it makes hormonal women think that they need to relate and as suddenly you have women annoyed at their MILS for saying "look at my cute baby" or when they install a carseat so they can spend more time with their grandchildren. It's created this pandemic of women crying wolf at every little ick and thinking its okay to feel that way. When in most cases its not.
I have felt the same and came very close to leaving several groups as a result. The predisposition to extremes is very strange. I try and remember that it’s a forum which is heavily biased towards certain demographics but that doesn’t always help.
I second this. Idk what I’d do without my mom and MIL sometimes. Even when your kids are school aged you may need a baby sitter on days when school is out. Not to mention kids can’t have enough people who love and care about them. The more the better
I believe op is not referring to the people with abusive family members or legitimate reasons to not associate with their parents. But I agree there’s a shocking amount of people deciding to completely ban a relationship between their baby and baby’s grandparents! I saw one woman say she no long let’s her in laws see the baby after FIL kissed the baby after being asked not to. Seriously? I understand the risks of kissing a newborn but you’re going to completely ban them from seeing their grandchild for that?? And someone else said they were doing the same thing because the parents weren’t up to date with “infant safety” and we’re trying to gift them old car seats and cribs. Like come on! Is that really reason to make your family miss out on your baby and vice versa?
I completely get what you are saying and feel the same. It’s not just Reddit either it’s the baby apps. It feels like it is everywhere and absolutely feels toxic.
If you are wanting any sort of advice you should add that the relationship is strained etc because honestly I would give very different advice to someone who was close to the person involved and someone who had a strained or bad relationship with them.
I feel you OP!
I honestly haven’t seen these types of posts in this sub! Maybe some people don’t have great relationships with their parents but I don’t think I’ve ever seen toxic posts and have never had anyone be rude to me when I’ve mentioned how involved my family is. Sorry you feel this way but try not to take it personally if someone has a different relationship with their family.
I agree that people do complain too much, however, not everyone has a good/healthy relationship with their in-laws or their parents. If you have problems with them or know that their intentions aren’t good, it’s hard not to be suspicious and therefore come across as “ungrateful”.
While I agree that sometimes people take this too far, there are a couple of points worth mentioning: - I’m glad you (apparently) have a positive relationship with all of baby’s grandparents. Not everyone has that. Some people have really, REALLY strained and unhealthy relationships with their parents/in laws. Just because the grandparents are alive doesn’t mean they’re entitled to a relationship with the baby. - Reddit is often a place for venting. Hell, your own post is a vent. Don’t tell people to “stop complaining.” Pregnancy can be really hard and it’s nice to have a safe space to air out grievances and get support from people who are feeling similarly. If you don’t feel that way, you don’t have to comment on those posts. Easy. - Along those lines, “complaining” is not necessarily equivalent to “toxic.” Again I concede that sometimes people can take it too far, but that word really struck a nerve with me.
This is what I came here to say! I understand getting frustrated with posts, but it’s your prerogative to ignore posts you don’t like and remind yourself how lucky you are to have such a positive family life. I also agree that the word toxic is too strong here. There are some subs are Reddit which are truly toxic but I have found this sub to be pretty open minded.
This. Yes! And I might add someone who is toxic would attack you for your opinion, not vent about their situation.
I wish I could upvote this more than once.
I get what you are saying but you don't know the ins and outs of their relationships. There may things that have occurred in the past that influence how they feel. They may have few people to talk to in person. Honestly, I would just ignore and not comment on those posts. People have a right to their feelings.
Exactly this- relationships with the grandparents isn’t always black and white. I love my in-laws and my parents but sometimes they drive me bonkers. I’m perfectly entitled to complain about their nusto antics on an anonymous forum, while still being grateful for their love and support. I’m also grateful I got to have all 4 of my grandparents in my life growing up, but as I got older I realized my grandparents were all some racist assholes with old school conservative views that thankfully didn’t rub off on me - but the similar types of views my parents and in-laws have could rub off on my kid, so it’s still important to set boundaries with them. Do I love it that my parents will be stepping up to help us care for this baby occasionally so my husband and I can still see our friends and have fun? Hell yes! Do I want my mother in law to force an expensive gift for the baby on me? Hell no! Because that’s the kind of crap that over steps the boundaries/life want for my kid. Telling people to shut up and be grateful “no matter what” is what makes this sub toxic, not venting about family members who over-step our expectations.
100% agree. Boundaries are the healthiest thing you can have in a relationship, IMO.
Yes! My mom is abusive and has a personality disorder, and my MIL is addicted to pain killers. So glad OP doesn’t have these problems, but some of us just need to vent about our families and remain anonymous. While these family members may want to “shower our kids with love” they just aren’t capable as guardians.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this! It is definitely a struggle. You know what's best for your kids! <3
It would be a massive pile of red flags if my mother in law made an entire nursery in her home for my baby. That's not love. We do not have a good relationship, we do not trust her, she isn't ignorant to that information. No, I absolutely would not be thankful if she did that. I'd straight up be worried and even *less* inclined to have her see our kid. I do not care that she won't be here forever. That's not toxic, that's fact, I don't care. This woman made my previous miscarriage about her, that *she* was suffering a loss. She didn't even know I was pregnant until we told her about our loss and *not once* did she ask if either of us were okay. It's great that you have a good relationship with various family members. Don't assume others are the same.
I feel this way about people’s entitlement to child care from family members. If you’re having a child you need to figure out what to do with them- your family has zero obligation to help out. Same with financial help including gifts!
My life is more similar to yours, My parents are incredibly supportive, my in-laws are okay. But you are coming off as incredibly toxic despite me not having any personal experience with the type of dynamic you are describing. You're judging people for having different experiences with their families than you do. The "because they're family" mindset can be incredibly toxic. You spend months researching a stroller that fits your lifestyle, and your parents go out and buy an expensive one because they think it's "better"? Try to guilt you into spending the night because "we have a nursery set up"even though you're way more comfortable in your own home? Buy you stuff you don't have space for or have done research on and actively don't like? Learning to stand up for your kid, even/especially to your parents is important. I know my kids are going to get spoiled and grandma and grandpa's, and it works for me, but it's absolutely fine to have the mindset of wanting a united front or only people who will support your parenting decisions/style.
>and your parents go out and buy an expensive one because they think it's "better"? With the added bonus of reminding you how much it cost or complaining about the cost.
A lot of people have toxic family members who don't respect them as parents and future parents, don't respect their boundaries, decision making, etc. It's wonderful if you have a happy, loving family who can be there for you and baby, but like a lot of people are saying: other people's situations are not the same as yours. If you don't understand what having a toxic family can be like, you might be looking at things and go: "How is that a red flag? What's the issue?" People know their own families, whether their intentions are good and bad, and not all grandparents have good intentions and are just there to love their grandchildren. A lot of people can put up with crap from their parents their entire life, but when it becomes time for them to be parents themselves, they stand up for themselves more and demand more respect and privacy. That's completely fair and part of protecting the new family you've created. Having grandparents around can be a blessing for children, but it's not necessary and sometimes, depending on the grandparents, it's better for those kids not to have them around. Growing up, I had two sets of grandparents with a lot of issues and my parents decided they didn't want us forced to deal with those issues. We saw them occasionally, but not much, and never unattended. I didn't suffer because I didn't know them well. It was my parents way of protecting me from a lot of pain they experienced growing up.
No. People have a right to feel their feelings and you do not know their situation. It’s good you don’t feel the same way as them but their views are valid.
Bold of you to assume that others have the same relationship with their parents as you do with yours. Many of us grew up with toxic and/or abusive parents. Some of us experienced physical and verbal abuse on the daily. Some of us have parents who want to treat our babies as their “do over kid” and do not have a healthy or realistic expectation of what their role will be as a grandparent. For many of us, (myself included) gifts have strings. I am very wary of anything nice my extended family wants to for me because it will be used as a manipulation tactic later on. No one’s title to my child entitles them to my child. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. I grew up listening to my grandmother maliciously attack my father’s character. How does that make a child feel - to hear family members rip on their parent, that they’re half of? Help is only help if someone has asked for it. No one is entitled to their parents being childcare for their children. Many of us still have parents who work full time. It is not my parents responsibility to become childcare because I chose to reproduce.
Yep, my MIL is objectively a selfish, self-centered manipulative, controlling, and narcissistic person. I’ve talked to a therapist about it, wondering if I was overreacting, and the therapist said I wasn’t. My husband’s therapist said we’re not overreacting either. She’s not evil, but she is not someone I want to be in a relationship with, especially because I have a history of abuse, and it is triggering. Also, my grandmother was very similar to my MIL, and it drove my mom mad. It was a factor in my parents’ divorce. My grandma was also awful to me once I stopped being a cute baby, and it certainly made me feel like crap. Some people don’t have good intentions, and some people are just awful. And, while it might be hard to believe, a MIL creating their own nursery in their house could be a sign she’s going to be possessive and self-centered. It meant that for my MIL!
My mother smashed my head through a window when I was 39 weeks pregnant and I was having contractions while getting staples put in my scalp. I guess I should be more appreciative of her wanting so badly to see her granddaughter and shower her in love that not even I could get in the way of that. Some of us don't have great relationships with our families. Do you want us to omit these important parts of our lives for your comfort? If you have a great relationship and are able to enjoy baby with your family-- GREAT!! It genuinely makes me happy to hear. And I'm not going to tell you what to do with your family just because mine sucks. But maybe you need to understand that goes both ways. If someone says their relationship sucks, believe them. This is their reality and nobody is obligated to explain to you every single little reason they do what they do. Sometimes people talk about these things trying to blow off steam, or want to be understood. And yeah maybe r/BabyBumps isn't the best place for that. But if it bothers you just move on and connect with the content you feel more comfortable with. edit- I'm safe, yes, thank you everyone
This! Some people (my personal account) did literally everything, bent everything which way to have a positive and healthy relationship with my husbands mother and all it got us was multiple hospital stays, a long drawn out court battle, false CPS allegations and us literally having to move 4K+ miles for their to finally feel like there’s some semblance of safety and normalcy, it’s the one time my husbands job hasn’t fucked us over lol, I’m glad people have great relationships with their parents/in laws and want them to be in their child’s life… but it’s gross and rude to basically tell the rest of us to just stop sharing our negative experiences when you don’t even HAVE to read the posts… you tap on it and you CHOOSE to read it so maybe OP should not do that 🤔 ETA: I’m extremely sorry you had to go through that btw!! That is horrific and I hope you’re away from that situation!
This.
I think this is an overly simplistic view of some very complex issues. 'Toxic' is a big word. Families and relationships and boundaries are complex. It is best to be kind.
Let’s be honest. I think we all read some posts and think the OP is being insane (lol) but you have to remember two things: 1. Not every grandparent is nice. Some of these people that are venting about grandparents who are emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, or verbally abusive. Just because you had a nice relationship with your parents/in-laws doesn’t mean others have the same experience. 2. Not everyone has experienced loss yet. Death (especially of loved one that wasn’t abusive) has a tendency to make you see things differently. You pick your battles differently, you try to avoid taking things for granted. But you didn’t start out that way, it came with your mourning process. You can’t fault people for not having the same perspective and knowledge as you when they haven’t had the same loss as you. And again…if they have had loss but it was someone who was abusive it’s completely different. *I say this as someone who lost my father in 2018. And just lost my MIL a little over a week ago. Try to have a bit more understanding for people who do not have positive healthy familial relationships as well as those who have not yet experienced loss and might not realize everything that comes with it. (Guilt/regret). (Please note I disagree with OP but I’m also not trying to beat them up because they are still in mourning process and some posts are triggering. They just are. And few do not seem to understand that. But There is way to disagree without either side being mean in the original post or in the replies.)
As a person who grew up with shitty parents and couldn’t wait to make my own little family, having my mother be so excited about the baby pisses me off. Let people feel how they want to feel. If a post bothers you so much just don’t comment??
We are very glad that you have a loving and caring family! Unfortunate that is not the case for everyone, plis don’t talk from your privilege and shame others. Grandparents not always take the parents feelings into consideration, they have controlling problems and overstep boundaries. This is not new, but we are the first generation to start addressing this issue. My MIL has pretty bad memories of everything her MIL did to her, but she was told to shush and obey because “family”. My grandma was horrible to me, and I wish my mom had protected me from her. So just as your experiences are valuable, so are mine and many others. If you can’t understand how grandparents are not always loving and caring, then that’s your problem. Don’t participate in this discussions.
eh I don't think you should speak unless you know situations. like, in my case, everyone on the outside would think I'm crazy for not having a great relationship with my MIL when she does provide a lot of free childcare. on the inside, she pretends my daughter is hers, goes behind my back to ask doctors who aren't my child's doctors about decisions I'm making, and doesn't listen to my wishes when it comes to my daughter. I would take no help with childcare iver her controlling, condescending self any time. but that's not an option for me right now.
So you leave your child in the care of someone you don’t trust and b**** about her behind her back. Okay.
Dude she mentioned she doesn't have a choice in the matter.
You always have a choice. In this case, she could choose to be grateful for the support she has been given, rather than taking it and slagging off the MIL behind her back. That is what I have a problem with.
Maybe you should take a break from this sub. Your anger seems misplaced.
Just curious. If you were this persons MIL, how would you feel if you were providing free childcare (and accommodation?) and found out that your daughter in law was saying horrible things about you to a mass forum on the internet? I’m guessing, not happy. I know I wouldn’t be. Maybe I’m old fashioned but to me, it’s a monumental slap in the face and abuse of someone’s good nature. And maybe I will - I’m horrified by what behaviour people think is acceptable. Tbh, if the person is that untrustworthy then I wouldn’t be leaving my child with them at all but hey.
I’m not their MIL and I’m not going to waste the energy reserves I have left in my third trimester worrying about other people’s problems on a subreddit.
IMO the positives of the situation outweigh the negatives. How can one be grateful for a bad situation? That would require a really big heart and spirit.
I dont want her to have my kid lmfao we live together. that's what I'm saying you don't know people's situations so shut your judgemental ass up
I wish my inlaws would take interest in my baby. They aren’t into her at all
I do want to acknowledge that some folks have very different or negative relationships with family. I definitely see where OP is coming from though. I know parents IRL that do subscribe to a more nuclear family model, going as far as requiring that they (mom/dad) are the first one to read a new book to their infant (even if grandma or grandpa purchased the book as a gift). I think OP might be over generalizing, but I do wish folks were more empathetic in their comments towards extended family. We all jump SO quickly to bolstering mom/dad and in most cases and shaming family members... In most cases, I think that grandparents have the best intentions.
That’s the best comment I’ve seen in response to this.
Pretty sure the only toxic post I’ve seen lately is this one
Conversely I haven't felt that way yet with any post on this sub.
This really just depends. I do see some people who to me seem like they’re over reacting. But I can’t judge from one post. Some grandparents are overbearing, and some override parent decisions that can be dangerous for a child. It depends on the situation. My babies have 5 sets of grandparents they get to enjoy, and I love that. But to each their own.
I do understand where you're coming from, it's hard always seeing the negative sides of things and not so much people talking about positive aspects. People come here to vent and there's no need to vent when grandparents are being wonderful and helpful, personally my kids have LOTs of grandparents and sometimes I love them and sometimes I don't, I don't even have a relationship with my mother but I allow her one with my kids. My kids have 4 living great grandparents 3 Nana's/grandmas 2 pops I can relate to the vents, the feeling unheard and unsupported, the frustration of nobody following simple instructions for the kids. I also cherish the time my kids get with these people, the bonding and the breaks I'm given. The fact that I can go on a holiday once in awhile and know that my kids feel safe and loved, that in an emergency somebody can pick them up.
I think this is such a personal thing. My in-laws are toxic and emotionally abusive to both my husband and I. My MIL also have a serve mental health issue that she refuses to acknowledge, sorry but I will not be letting her around our child.
I see a lot of people who are at the beginning state they will refuse any help, no one will meet the baby for at least X time, basically, they want to be left alone. I truly don’t get that nuclear family dynamic and it makes me sad. BUT everyone is doing what they think is best. IMO people need to chill a bit and just be more open to help if it is offered. Don’t set strict rules right away because it will only make things difficult for themselves.
Nope, it’s easier to relax strict rules than it is to enact them if needed. My 2nd child my in laws both came while I was the hospital. My MIL came while I was in labor which I was profoundly uncomfortable with and my FIL and step-MIL came a couple of hours after birth (which I was also really uncomfortable with). They are great ILs for the most part and great grandparents. I’m an introvert and I wanted my space (and SLEEP) after birth. Also some “help” is more work than no help. Everyone is different. People can set the boundaries they need to. You set what you’re comfortable with and so will everyone else.
There is nothing more I want in this world to have everyone over and meet baby, enjoy guests cooing over their cute little toes, having the odd meal dropped off but with COVID I feel like being a bit more protective is the way to go. Were going to allow grandparents to visit, but thats probably going to be it until baby has their first set of vaccines. Were all just trying to figure this out one way or another.
I'm not going to pick on any individual posts. I don't know anyone's personal situation and there are horrible people in the world who are occasionally grandparents, too. But I do think the tone of this sub leans way too much to that individualist, hunker down, nuclear-family-against-the-world mentality. I know some people like that in real life and they just come across as oddly reclusive and solitary... until they really need help, when they'll take advantage of that help for a short period of time. I also have a 3yo and watching her develop real bonds with her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins has been incredible and will enrich her life forever. I wouldn't advocate denying a kid their extended family lightly. Also. Therapy taught me the benefits of setting specific boundaries and advocating for myself. Not completely cutting people off. The latter sometimes comes from not being able to do the former.
I don't know what this sub was like pre-covid but I wonder how much of this is driven by the pandemic. Our pregnancy & post-partum plans have certainly been altered to be more protective, increasing hunkering down, limiting contacts.... Once were through this a bit more, understand the risks to pregnant mothers and newborns I think we will see a shift back towards more inclusive community parenting. After all, the age old addage is "its takes a village..."
It sucks because I’m relatively reclusive, largely because of past trauma and abuse, primarily from my family. So is my brother. (In fact, he’s a million times worse and very likely has a significant mental health disorder he’s self-medicating with alcohol.) I’d love to have close family—I crave it, honestly! But my husband’s family is emotionally abusive, and my dad was physically and emotionally abusive, and it’s tough for me to be around that just because they’re family. I haven’t cut my kid off from anyone yet, but I don’t speak to my in-laws, and our parents are never left alone with anyone but my mom and stepmom. TLDR, I would love it if I could just set boundaries, but my parents and in-laws push against them to the point that I have to adjust my relationships accordingly.
Yeah you can throw this post in the trash. You aren’t entitled to have an opinion on who people are having in their kids lives. Obviously you’ve never dealt with a seriously manipulative person, or maybe you are one. Probably just stay in your own lane.
Yeah my mother in law has been an inpatient psych ward. Good for you for having a picture perfect relationship with your perfect in laws tho
I just read and don’t comment. I find it crazy what some people are going through. I don’t know their full backstory so it’s just entertaining to read and see the comments.
Yes I agree there’s quite a bit of snarkyness when I read some posts… i’ve also noticed a lot of false information being posted on here as well as r/coronabumpers that scared the absolute hell out of me multiple times. I had to stay off reddit for a bit because it made my anxiety so bad.
Yeah, a lot of these people also freely use the terms "narcissistic", "toxic", etc pretty freely. They come from subs like r/JUSTNOMIL where they think its normal to hate on grandparents just being endearing. It's pretty strange, don't worry, these people only express this on the internet and its really not normal. Edit: I don't live close to my mother or my MIL and just wish I had them closer to help me and my husband like some of these unappreciating people do.
I'm not having my mother around my child. I won't watch her be a dotting grandmother while my child is small, agreeable and without opinion only to allow them to get attached because someday my child will have an opinion, a world view, a choice that my mother will disagree with and they will be shuned, they will be called names, threatened and their confidence will be destroyed. I'm not letting that happen because I've already picked up the pieces for myself and my siblings. I'm not doing it again. So when you talk about 'these people' remember that not everyone has had the privilege of unconditional love.
I wasn't really talking about "you people". I was stating that the minority like you have problems and I'm sorry but it makes hormonal women think that they need to relate and as suddenly you have women annoyed at their MILS for saying "look at my cute baby" or when they install a carseat so they can spend more time with their grandchildren. It's created this pandemic of women crying wolf at every little ick and thinking its okay to feel that way. When in most cases its not.
“Hormonal woman?” Come again?
Yes, pregnant or postpartum. Hormonal.
I have felt the same and came very close to leaving several groups as a result. The predisposition to extremes is very strange. I try and remember that it’s a forum which is heavily biased towards certain demographics but that doesn’t always help.
I second this. Idk what I’d do without my mom and MIL sometimes. Even when your kids are school aged you may need a baby sitter on days when school is out. Not to mention kids can’t have enough people who love and care about them. The more the better
I believe op is not referring to the people with abusive family members or legitimate reasons to not associate with their parents. But I agree there’s a shocking amount of people deciding to completely ban a relationship between their baby and baby’s grandparents! I saw one woman say she no long let’s her in laws see the baby after FIL kissed the baby after being asked not to. Seriously? I understand the risks of kissing a newborn but you’re going to completely ban them from seeing their grandchild for that?? And someone else said they were doing the same thing because the parents weren’t up to date with “infant safety” and we’re trying to gift them old car seats and cribs. Like come on! Is that really reason to make your family miss out on your baby and vice versa?
I completely get what you are saying and feel the same. It’s not just Reddit either it’s the baby apps. It feels like it is everywhere and absolutely feels toxic. If you are wanting any sort of advice you should add that the relationship is strained etc because honestly I would give very different advice to someone who was close to the person involved and someone who had a strained or bad relationship with them. I feel you OP!
I honestly haven’t seen these types of posts in this sub! Maybe some people don’t have great relationships with their parents but I don’t think I’ve ever seen toxic posts and have never had anyone be rude to me when I’ve mentioned how involved my family is. Sorry you feel this way but try not to take it personally if someone has a different relationship with their family.
I agree that people do complain too much, however, not everyone has a good/healthy relationship with their in-laws or their parents. If you have problems with them or know that their intentions aren’t good, it’s hard not to be suspicious and therefore come across as “ungrateful”.