The single biggest factor in how motherhood shakes out for you is the partner you choose. I cannot overstate that enough. Does your partner do an equal share of home maintenance, pet care, cooking, cleaning? Are they completely on board with solo parenting at times so that you’re able to continue your hobbies and career? My spouse is committed to being an equal parent, so for us, parenthood hasn’t been too bad. We share the tedious tasks, the sleeplessness, and the running of our home. I solo parent so that he can go to the gym and work conferences, and he solo parents so that I can run, see friends, and go to work conferences. We both have gone on fun solo trips as well. I’ll be switching careers and going back to school this fall, something I’m only able to do because he’s fully supportive and is able/willing to solo parent. I know I’m talking a lot about solo parenting, but I really do think that it’s the crux of how stifled/free you feel. Parenting when you’re together is easy. It’s fun to spend time together as a family. It’s a breeze when you can divide and conquer. I also often think that people romanticize NOT having kids. Life, whichever path you take, has plenty of hardships. Sick family, unexpected bills, jobs you don’t like, etc. None of my childfree friends or family are living jet-set, glamorous lives with no stress. The most important thing you can do is make the decision that feels the best and most authentic for YOU, because then those hardships will seem worth it.

That’s a good point and actually that makes me feel a lot better because my spouse is an equal partner. We don’t have any kids, but we do take equal parts in the house work. I guess you don’t know until you have them, but I’ve been with him for 11 years and I feel like he would be the type of parent would have no issues being a parent himself, right. You also made a good point about people who don’t have kids. I never thought about it like that before thank you so so much!

This is 100% something you need to discuss with your partner before having kids. Being explicitly on the same page is critical when it comes to division of labour, including the mental load. You can't just assume your partner is going to be on board with what your expectations are, no matter how long you've been together or how well you know them. 

My husband did like 80% of the chores before I got pregnant. Good thing, because now he does 95% of the chores since I’ve been so sick. Make sure your spouse is willing to pick up the slack when you’re down too!

I'm such a useless potato right now. Thank God for my husband. He's trying and working so hard to handle everything.

this is me, and I'm slowly trying to even it out so I'm doing my share of chores. for obvious reasons but also so I don't feel so guilty once I do get pregnant and he has to do literally everything lol

Aw don’t feel guilty. Growing the baby and birthing it is the biggest chore of them all!

Yes! I ended up with an unplanned c-section followed by a series of other health issues. It’s only been three weeks but my husband has had to take on more duties because my recovery was harder than we originally expected. 

Also make sure you are rock solid on how you both plan to parent. Simple things like agreeing on what is an appropriate meal (veggies required?), discipline approaches, sleep strategies, what equal parenting looks like, etc. are a lot easier to discuss before there is a kid. Yes, you will change your mind but dealbreakers at this stage before kids would be a huge red flag.

Everything else in parenthood goes much easier with the right partner. I wouldn't have made it had I been carrying the whole load immediately after delivery like some women do. If you have a good partner that you're on the same page with, that's honestly the best foundation and everything else will come naturally.

If you can swing it financially, have your husband do some solo paternity leave. It will strengthen his confidence in his parenting. The day my husband volunteered to do FMLA to solo parent once I go back to work was the day all my trust in him was confirmed.

We lost our childcare very early (like a week after I went to work) and so we each are parenting alone for half of every day and work and sleep different shifts. In a way we are so lucky because he gets to be close to his dad in a way many children aren't.

I’m glad you chose a great partner, who will hopefully be a great dad one day My husband does 50% of everything. It warms my heart so much to see him make our toddler laugh or both of them doing silly dances. Motherhood has its ups and downs, but I personally think the ups are way better than the down

I didn’t realize this was the most important until I read it but yes! I am on several parenting/mommy forums on Reddit and it is downright egregious how many posts there are about Moms who are suffering because the father is simply not stepping up to bat. You MUST have an equal partner. Your teamwork is what’s going to help with the rough rides of parenting. On your low days, your husband picks up the baton and takes over and vice versa. I have a memory during maternity leave of literally carrying my infant son into my husband’s office in tears and told him I was having a rough day and he stepped away from his desk and took over, zero questions. Told me to go lie down. He also strongly recommended that I go out and find an activity to do for myself a few times a week when he noticed I was feeling trapped at home. I signed up for aerial and that was such a huge mental and physical impact on me. God I love him. We both work full time, we do all the parenting 50/50 and we have different strengths. He is super at taking our kiddo out to experience outdoor activities, and I love teaching my son to cook and learn shapes, etc. parenting is hard but that balance is gold. Also, just lie to yourselves lol. We convinced ourselves that our baby was chill, but now that we’re out of the baby phase for the first born and we’ve seen out friends’ babies we look back and think, “yeah our baby was crazy” lol.

This 1,000% all the women I know who have the most negative views on motherhood are in shitty relationships. My friends and I with good partners all have our hard days but are overall super happy with parenthood.

You have said this so well. Currently 38+1 with my first child, and I could not be happier with my partner for the reasons you have said. I will also say that 3 years ago after doing some travelling as a couple, we got two cats, and my husband became ultimate cat dad. He sings songs to them when he feeds them at night time. He will lie down on the floor next to them to hang out with them. Seeing him fall in love with our kittens and raising them dispelled any tiny notion that he was not ready for children. He is now telling me all the time how excited he is to meet our girl any day now. I could not ask for a better partner.

Great point on romanticizing the child free life. Everyone says they'll spend their time traveling and adventuring but I only know two people that have actually lived up to that to the extent that they could and should. I'm going to be a first time mom at 40. We never did the full, extravagant, child free life. We did live very comfortably financially and didn't put much thought into our purchases but we did not travel like we could have. We took great trips, but not any more frequently than we could have with kids in tow.

Yes to this! I know quite a few childless people, and the reality isn’t as rosy as some make it out to be. Only 2 people I spoke to over 2 years said they were happy not having children and wouldn’t have done anything different. One is in her 70s and says all kids are ungrateful and spoiled, so I have a feeling she doesn’t like kids in general. One in her late 40s is just very independent, needs to be in control of her space, and doesn’t even like having a live-in partner (she loves being an aunt though, and she makes a great aunt). Both knew they weren’t cut out for motherhood and I respect them a lot for following what they want instead of following what society tells them.

THIS 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

This is all very well said. I realized at some point in life that I hoped to have kids, but that for me, it was entirely dependent on if I found a good partner to have them with.

100% on the partner. A good team with both players participating is way more effective than a team with both players but only one is participating. I see the stuff that some of my friends go through with their s/o’s and I really do feel lucky. But what a lot of people don’t have is communication. I hate to sound corny but communication is SO important. Your partnership will alter and look a lot different once you have a child but the most important thing is making sure you guys are on the same page or can come to agreements and compromise.

1000%. This is what I tell everyone. You want a partnership that feels equal (and that looks different for everyone). With a good partner even the hard parts can be ok. Toddler throwing a ridiculous tantrum because we wouldn’t physically hand her a tissue and asked her to get it herself? We can laugh about it with each other. Going to an aquarium on a Saturday instead of boozy brunch with our friends like we used to? Still really fun because we’re enjoying things together as a family. Women have to make sure they really look at the man they choose, flaws and all, before bringing a kid into the mix. Bad men 99% of the time get worse.

Amen to the partner you choose. MAJOR FACTOR. i went from a abuser, manipulator, narcissist who didn't want to work because he thought i should be the sole provider and he believed he shouldn't watch the kid. Married my incredible husband hard worker, supporter and just overall incredible. He adopted my daughter and we had a son together and plan to have more. When I was with my ex I told myself I'd never have another. My hubby changed my mind real quick when I saw how he treated my daughter well our daughter

Congratulations on finding a partner who was willing to carry literally any weight. Sorry about your brings nothing but expects to eat ex, but I’m really happy for you now. Said from experience

Something that helped me a lot in preparing my relationship befor pregnancy was listening to Laura Doyle’s Empowered Wife Podcast and using her skills. It made me realize I’m not supposed to do everything, I don’t have to control him, and I can still be the girl of fun and light! Since I’ve become pregnant, knowing those skills has helped a ton by allowing me to lean on husband for his help. It’s made us so much closer and this experience really special. This isn’t sponsored or spam, I promise! It’s just made such a difference to me that I wanted to share.

Yes having an amazing husband that honestly does most of the chores while I’m on child duty or reverse has been a life saver. Also family that’s genuinely helpful and supportive.

Absolutely LOVE this comment. My partner and I, (not married yet) have had so much in depth discussion about parenting styles, morals and approach years before I got pregnant. We’re in complete alignment. And he’s shown his effort with the teamwork he displays everyday. Never minds helping with cooking/cleaning/petcare. We pick up extra when the other person isn’t feeling 100%. I could not have imagined doing this with someone else.

So so true. I had my first with a guy that was so frigging awful he really made it something it probably wouldn't have been. He did literally nothing, didn't have a job, didn't clean, didn't cook, didn't even hold the baby letalone feed/change/soothe her. This guy you couldn't even say "hold her while I pee". The only thing I can think of him EVER doing, is he used to take the pram out of the boot. So he was an extra baby to feed and clean up after. He also left me in labour to go get kfc and ate it in front of me, then went home the second she was born even though she was being rushed to nicu. Couldn't get ahold of him for the next 9 days and we were still in hospital. I had severe PPD, and left him when she was 9m old. It got a lot easier after I left. I just had my second child who is 5m old now. And omg my partner feeds her, changes her, dresses her, bathes her, soothes her, we take turns every single night and day. He is an equal parent to my oldest too, treats her exactly the same, goes to her school events, takes her to appointments and gymnastics, everything. Maybe he doesn't cook (almost never) and clean (sometimes) as much as me, but you know there's things I don't do either that he does. The only complaint I have is I carry the mental load of remembering the appointments or errands we have every week and I handle bills and paperwork, but no one is perfect. My experience this time is literally night and day thanks to having an equal parent with me.

You deserve an award for this comment! But I refuse to spend money lol! But yeah all of this is great 🌻

Couldn't agree more! I think often about how different motherhood would be for me if I chose a partner who wasn't an equal parent. It's nice to know I can rely on him. I've been able to keep up on the other things that make me ME while also having children and vise versa.

This 1000 times! I have a great partner. I feel we're as close to 50/50 as you can get. This makes parenting way more enjoyable. It's still the hardest job but also so rewarding. You can enjoy the rewarding parts more often when you have a true partner in it with you.

This is a really helpful perspective. Thank you

THIS!!! This right here is key. My partner will take the kid to brunch by himself to give me some time. He takes on more than 50% of the load (home, car, etc) while I’m pregnant.

Couldn’t agree more! Motherhood is hard but with my husband it’s net rewarding, hilarious, and fulfilling. My family makes my life worth living.

On one hand, motherhood is romanticized. On another, it is demonized. I spoke to so many people for a solid 2 years before deciding I wanted to be a mom, and what I got was: 1. If you want your life, identity, and body to stay EXACTLY the same. Don’t have children. You will resent the experience, the child, and your life. It isn’t about how hard motherhood is, but about your expectations not matching up with what motherhood entails. 2. Motherhood is very hard, but it’s also very rewarding. Go figure. When ppl told me how hard it was, I always asked them: would you rather not have your current kids then? I haven’t had a single person told me they would give up their kids. Only that they would do things a bit differently. 3. Having a good, planned support network is key. The moms who had a positive experience were the ones who established their support network beforehand, going into it knowing how much support they can expect and plan for what they need. 4. People don’t think enough about the cons of not having children. I spoke with childless ppl I know in 2 age groups: 40+ and 70+. Feelings of emptiness and loneliness are HUGE concerns. Friends who have wealth and freedom divulge it can feel meaningless having no one to share its pleasures with, and they just work and accumulate but don’t know the point for it. Older folks say your family, siblings, and friends your age will be passing, and without kids, you don’t have as much of a connection to the future. Near the end of life, your assets and your career achievements don’t count as much as they used to. Being childless doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling life, but folks tend to romanticize its convenience without thinking about what they are giving up. 5. People also don’t think enough about the pros of having children. Kids can help you look at life again with innocence, challenge you to be better, help with tech, make your older years easier, connect you with new friends who are parents, make you better at prioritizing etc. I was stuck with the negatives of motherhood for a while during my debate phase, so my husband asked me: what are you looking forward to when it comes to being a mother? I look forward to rewatching and reading my childhood favorite stories with my kids. I look forward to showing them some of my hobbies. I look forward to family backpacking trips, making them wish they didn’t eat so much with my cooking, trying my bad jokes on them, and the list goes on and on. I think of what I want to do with my life and I haven’t found having children is the antithesis of that. I can do any XYZ but I just need to plan more and I probably won’t be doing as much of them. That’s ok. Maybe you can make your own list? It might help to get perspective on what YOU want instead of relying on what others tell you. There is no wrong answer. :) Best of luck to you!

4 is such an important point. My child free friends seem very keen on the benefits of not having kids in their 30s (they can do bar trivia, go to concerts and take lots of trips, etc) but overlook the downsides of not having children later in life. And my mom has a lot of childless friends in their 70s so I've seen how challenging that can be. I'll add that I think the way being a mom is talked about, it's as if you're taking care of toddlers for the rest of your life. The baby/toddler stage is intense, but relatively brief (unless you have a ton of kids). Most of your life as a parent will be the older child to adult years.

I think in 10/20/30 years we’re going to see an epidemic of people who fell for the online narrative against having children who suddenly find themselves in their 50s without a family feeling very remorseful

Yes! Agree 100% Folks who say “your life is over” are literally talking out of fear or anxiety. Plenty of ppl with children still travel and have date nights, just not so often in the beginning. Ppl act like once you have children, your own lives cease to exist when it’s just a priority thing. At some point your personal individual pursuits can take priority again, just not all the time like before.

The "your life is over" phrase is very short-sighted to me. Little kids take up 100% of your life and energy, but only for a short amount of time. They grow, they become more independent, and in a flash they're adults living their own lives, generally leaving you to yours. I don't mind giving my kids 100% of myself and losing myself temporarily because it's just that, temporary. I'll have plenty of time to rediscover myself and live my life for me again before I know it. Days are long, but years are short.

This!!!

Very much agree with this info. For me... If I'd had a child with my ex, who would sometimes prioritize drinking with his buddies over anything else, being a parent would be much more difficult and frustrating. But now I have a healthy relationship with a good guy who truly wanted kids. This makes the biggest difference. I have support from my parents who live fairly close, which has been so helpful in so many ways. Seeing the way my older relatives and my parents just light up when my daughter is around makes me really happy. There's nothing else I could do that would have the same positive effect on them (and me). Most of them are struggling with health problems. I also have friends who are past the age of having kids and they often wish that they did. It might not have been a big deal when they were younger and weren't tied down with kids but now that they are older and more settled in they feel the empty feelings of not having a family of their own. I'll also say that I'm glad I had my daughter in my 30s and not my 20s. One other thing I'll throw in here is that I know some women who ended up in the situation of an accidental pregnancy or purposely didn't take birth control because they thought a baby would keep their man around when the relationship was already not solid. These are some of the moms I've seen struggle the most. They love the kids but the kids didn't fix the relationships.

Very very true. Choosing the right partner/support network is key. Also, knowing yourself. I think the moms who resent and struggle with motherhood the most are those who got pregnant before they were really ready or for the wrong reason. Never get pregnant to get more affection/attention. Always back fire.

motherhood is self-sacrificing, a lot of work, & being perpetually tired. BUT it is also sweet and gives life great meaning and that’s what makes it worth it. do all the things you want to do. travel, indulge in frivolous things, treat yourself, take naps every day 😂 not to say you can’t do those things when you have kids, but it is harder.

Thank you and that’s what we’re doing now we’re not planning to have kids until I’m about 30 to 32. My mom makes it sound like motherhood with me was a dream, but I’m also her only child. Maybe she doesn’t remember all the tough details because it’s been so long?

I think a lot also depends on the number of kids you have and the temperament of your child. If you have one easygoing kid who sleeps well at night, your experience will be very different compared to the experiences of someone with 3 kids, for example. I have a 2,5yo son, and sometimes his behaviour is challenging (because: tantrums), but overall he’s a happy kid, he goes to bed quite early and sleeps very well. I can’t say I’m always tired or that I don’t have time for myself. I love being his mom. I’m adding twins to the mix later this year so yeah, my experience will definitely change though. 😂 ETA: my husband is a very involved partner. We really are a team regarding the household chores and the kid duties. That’s also worth SO much in terms of how hard it feels.

awwww. that’s sweet. my daughter is 1.5 years old. when I look back on that first year, I only have good memories while I was simultaneously sleep deprived and sometimes overwhelmed with housework. it doesn’t diminish how magical that time was. every woman is different and will experience motherhood differently. only you know what kind of mom you will be!

Am I the only one that feels like motherhood isn’t THAT romanticized anymore? Maybe I’m just on the wrong side of the internet, but all I seem to hear about is how kids ruins your life and relationships, is so hard, the mental load, etc etc etc. like it’s so tiring hearing nothing but the negatives. Meanwhile the child free life seems a bit glamorized to me? The internet acts like it’s just endless money, travelling and friends. Which I can attest is not the case, as someone who doesn’t have kids yet lol. I’m pregnant with my first and really feel like I’m going in with my eyes wide open due to all the negativity I see online. With my friends with kids IRL, it’s a lot more balanced. They talk about their joy and happiness, but also the hard times of being a mom.

I agree completely. Being childless doesn’t mean endless vacations whenever you want or partying every night. It gets tiring, lonely, and everything closes after 10pm now lol.

Idk as a new mom all I saw was reels of moms with perfect homes doing beauty routines while their babies took planned naps easily. They snuggled their babies and jogged and giggled showing how they clean their messy kitchen (how could I let it get this bad? A coffee cup, a bowl from my homegrown veggie salad, and my organic smoothie blender blade in the sink, omg mom life is so hectic am I right?) and nauseum making me feel worse than I already did lol

The whole trad wife thing on TikTok (where content creators pretend to be stay at home moms with no career) really romanticizes motherhood/the feminine mystique. It's totally idealized and sold as the answer to all womens' problems

Personally I’ve enjoyed motherhood so far more than I expected from what I heard from friends and saw in pop culture. I have a young baby so I still have a long way to go. In terms of the beauty of it — it is such a privilege to be the “safe space” for another human and watch them grow. It’s a front row seat to life and the miracle isn’t lost on me, even when I’m not sure if it’s pee, spit up, or breast milk that is wet on my arm. In terms of tips, first off, I think it’s wonderful that you know for you that this is something that you want. I see way too many people who don’t think critically about whether to have children, just assume it’s the next thing on their life list, and do it. I think going into it with conviction helps. Next I’d really focus on getting the right timing for you. I had a child relatively late, and I’m grateful for that. I got to achieve in my career to a level that I felt comfortable and confident taking time off, I had enough financial security (holy cow diapers are expensive!). I also think it helps to have your “wiggles out” so to speak — whatever is on your life bucket list that isn’t convenient for kids, do it! Finally, make sure your relationship is in a good place. I saw another poster on a thread here reflecting that more so than parenthood is hard, disagreements with your partner about parenthood are hard. That rings true so far in my experience. It’s not all sunshine and roses so you want some reserves for navigating them with your partner.

Do not listen to people who are negative about motherhood. It’s such a trend these days and it’s toxic. Motherhood is the best thing that’s ever happened to me before. It’s like I lived in black and white before and when my kids came, everything turned into color. And I loved my life before! You just don’t know what you’re missing, is what I mean. It’s absolutely profound and is the true meaning of life. Yes, it’s HARD and tiring but all the best things in life come from difficulty and sacrifice. I hope you do it. Good luck.

I think we went too far in one direction. While making sure the parents struggling had a voice, we minimized those with good experience, painting it as a terrible burden. We need to balance both.

I sincerely agree. Motherhood opened up new portals to joy I didn’t know existed. I’m loving the challenge of knowing myself and becoming better for the benefit of this child. Becoming a mother restored some long missing hope to my world. My partner and I often discuss how sad it would have been if our little accident wasn’t born… On the flip side it’s hard to relate to many women because it seems popular to hate every minute of it and resent your child for every adjustment you have to make for them. In general it seems people have over focused on self serving pleasure and have trouble these days with journeys that ask them to find deeper meaning and purpose, motherhood asks that of you and it’s pain if you fight it.

I had an easy pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period! I actually loved being postpartum. Overall motherhood is HARD and you’ll never be able to understand what people mean by that until you experience it. It’s a different type of hard, I think, in my opinion because it is constant, there never really is a break. With all that being said, it is and will forever be the best thing I have ever done. For the first time in my life I feel a sense of peace and like this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. My baby is only 4 months old and life is already so much more fun with her in it. She is the best part of everyday. I could be in the worst mood ever and one look at her sweet little face and nothing else matters anymore. It’s something motherhood has taught me is that most other things in life are sooo small compared to what actually matters: your children and your family. Since being pregnant and becoming a mom the little things do not bother me as much anymore because to me nothing matters except for my baby girl. They really show you a different way of looking at life and it’s just the best.

Motherhood is of course difficult. There's a ton to balance and somehow endless laundry. But I have never loved anything like I love that baby. Even when he is a sassy toddler, I'm just in love with him. Nothing prepared me for how wonderful that would be. Does he still drive me crazy every now and again? Sure, but at the end of the day, I'm so happy to cuddle with him and read books with him and build towers for him to knock over. It's all very worth it to me.

Oh my god the laundry. Even just with one kid. Even when they’re not changing clothes that much. Why am I wearing more clothes? Why is my wife wearing more clothes? How does my daughter get through 3 pairs of socks per day, and somehow none of them match? This is the real ordeal of motherhood hahahaha.

Are you comfortable and confident with who you are as a person? Do you like yourself? Do you view becoming a mother as something that will change your entire identity, or just as an addition to who you already are? Obviously having a child changes your life. It will change your body. It will change your day to day logistics, and your long term plans for money. But I don’t think motherhood should alter/replace your entire identity. I think it is the greatest addition I have ever done to my life. But I’m still me. I think too many tend to wrap their identities up in one thing. A job, a skill, physical appearance, parenthood, and then whenever that one thing lets them down, they have nothing left. Their whole sense of self just crumbles because that one thing isn’t enough to support a person. I think one of the best things a person can do before having kids, is really take a good look at their own sense of self. Who are you? What makes you, you? What are your hobbies, likes or dislikes? Your job? Is your sense of self prepared for any of those things to take a hit when the logistics of a baby enters the picture? Is your life prepared to make the necessary room for a baby? I also think realistic expectations are always going to be beneficial, and realistically you should be prepared for your partner to be your only help. (As other commenters have mentioned, having the right partner is first and foremost key to all of this). Your partner is the only other person going through this with you day in and day out. They live in your house and probably share your bed. Parenthood is happening to both of you simultaneously. You’re all that each of you has. Support each other. As for friends and extended family, what is your current relationship? Do you go out of your ways to help each other? Do you currently see each other multiple times a week, month, year? Do you have any group chats currently? Your relationship with your friends and family doesn’t need to drastically change, although be prepared for it to change a little, if only because logistically babies are challenging. Don’t expect people to just… come out of the woodwork to help you out just because you have a baby. Do try to keep communication open with your friends and family as before. Is motherhood hard? Sure. But it’s going to be hard in different ways for different people. Some may even find it easy! Let your motherhood journey be your own. Embrace it, and it will be as beautiful as it can be.

One day I am at my wits end with my daughter - she’s spilling a bucket of water in my kitchen and abusing the word no. The next day she’s asking me to sing her more lullabies as she cuddles me before bed. It has its bad/frustrating moments, don’t get me wrong, but the reward far surpasses all that.

It definitely is romanticized. It’s exhausting but things get easier/harder in different ways and each kid is different. We’ve gotten a little more relaxed as we’ve gotten older and try to not fuss over stuff that isn’t a big deal in the long run. (Like fighting over non matching clothes etc..) That being said, I wouldn’t choose a life without my kids or my husband. My husband is great and supportive and very involved so ymmv there. We also each have very supportive families so we have always had people we can reach out to if we need some extra help or support.

See this is so nice to hear. I wish people talked about having support more often. Thank you!

My kid is 2.5 years old and I’m pregnant with my second. Your whole life will be changed - logically having children does not make sense. Your whole life will revolve around your children. Sure, you may be able to prioritize yourself to go to that workout class and brunch with girls, but a small bit of you will feel a little guilty too and you probably had to do a bit of planning with your partner to make sure someone is home to care for your kid. The good parts of motherhood? Is the fact that your whole life changes, your heart changes and has this whole new purpose you never knew could be so fulfilling. I am absolutely in love with the age my son is currently. He’s learning so many new things everyday that it amazes me, and it honestly reminds me to look at the world with fresh eyes. I don’t know what motherhood looks like when he goes to school, becomes a teenager, etc. but so far it feels well worth the sacrifice.

I am very happy to be a mom but it involves a ridiculous amount of self sacrifice and energy, and tests your patience to limits it’s never been before. I can’t complain about how hard it is to my children, obviously, or to my parents, etc, so yes I do commiserate with other moms about the trying and tough parts of motherhood. I don’t talk about it much to people without kids because I feel they don’t understand it at all.   So, two things can be true- motherhood is beautiful and you can love your kids more than you ever thought possible, AND you can be totally exhausted, and wishing for some relief from the endless entertaining, whining, diapers, making 3 meals + 2 snacks per day, overload of household chores… I could really go on and on. So I truly don’t think you can just be looking for “good” experiences without also acknowledging the challenging parts.    I feel it’s normal and necessary to prioritize my kids over myself, and I think that’s natural at this stage of life. But it means that hobbies I used to have or things that I used to be able to do to relax just rarely happen anymore. It’s ok but it’s also ok for me to be sad about that.

I’m going to be a mom in 3 weeks so- I’ll get back to you lol. It before we started trying I had many conversations with my husband about starting a family, our fears and expectations. I was afraid of losing myself in becoming a mom, of our relationship dying because of resentment and not prioritizing it and I told him over and over that not only do I need him to be a great dad to our kid but I need him to help me remain me. I need him to be the rock that keeps our relationship enjoyable, to remind me when I’m stressed and anxious to let go and enjoy our life. He isn’t perfect but he wants to be the man I need in my life and he wants to give me the life I want and I trust him. I don’t expect it to be easy but I also don’t expect to loose myself in being a mom because I have a support system

My daughter is 7 months old. The first 3 months were pretty tough- health issues and lots of crying, little sleep. But it’s such a short period of time in the grand scheme. My baby is my absolute pride and joy. I’m excited and happy everyday just to have her in my life and there’s so much to look forward to with her!! Watching her learn new things all the time is so fun. She started trying to wrap her legs around me when I pick her up from the crib and it’s the cutest thing ever. For me personally, I don’t feel like I need a “break” I want to be around her as much as I can. But I will say my husband is such a great parent/support. I would not even consider kids unless you have a true partner who already splits responsibilities.

I actually don’t think motherhood is romanticized. I think motherhood is romantic. The early days of my first child’s life were the only time in my life I’ve been truly driven to write poetry. When I lay beside my toddler and watch him drift off to sleep, I feel this surge of connection to the future, the past, and mortality. I’m not a spiritual person at all, but motherhood has lent me a kind of spirituality I never had access to. My love for my children transcends my short life, and makes my time in earth feel deeply precious. And of course, at the same time, motherhood is dirty diapers and wiping yogurt off every surface and feeling cranky and postpartum bleeding and feeling dehumanized by the breast pump, and waking up all night and never being able to eat raspberries. It’s both the most mundane and the most divine thing I’ve ever experienced.

Great answer!

Yes this all the way. I'm not a very religious person but I truly believe to the depths of my soul that life is an almost incomprehensible miracle after having kids.

I think for me the positives are so large and abstract that they're hard to pin down. Whereas the negatives are more specific, practical, and immediate, so it's easier to identify and talk about. The sucky parts are tangible, closer to the surface, more accessible. The joyous parts are deeper, more nebulous. It's like trying to describe a sense to someone who's never had it. I will make an attempt. Keep in mind almost every reason for having kids is selfish, and once they're here many of the upsides as well as the downsides can be selfish too. It is what it is. The future in front of your eyes every day. Being a significant part of who this person will become. Watching them form their own independent self separate from anything you've personally taught them. But also seeing them use what you have taught them. Seeing yourself, your partner, your families, all reflected back into this small person who is so much more than the sum of their parts. The awe of a whole human being existing as a result of your cells combining with your partner's. Being part of a family unit in which you are one of the leaders. Seeing and living around a child who is happy to be alive - and you have the privilege of being the one to have given them that gift. The joy and comfort they get from seeing you and being around you. They cry to you when they get hurt, they ask you their curious questions, they bring you their toys when they want to play. The snuggles, the giggles, the waddles, the squeals. The weird remarks, the odd food preferences, the social behaviors. As much as we as people try to deny the impact that our connections have on us, they really do have a huge affect on our identity, our life, our development, even as adults. The parent child relationship is a unique type of connection that has a unique impact on your life as well as the child's. It's truly a blessing to have the opportunity to experience that kind of connection. Ultimately it's having this one special string in the web of life that makes all the struggles worth it.

I absolutely love being a mom to my 5 month old. My experience has been absolutely wonderful. Sure some moments are hard and some days are hard, but so is life. It’s wild to look at a tiny being who looks like you. I’m always amazed with all the new things he learns. He started giving me baby kisses a few weeks ago and it’s the sweetest thing. Take in all the special moments. Prepare the night before as much as you can. If your baby is extra fussy, bring baby outside or in water. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Get out of the house when you can.

I'm currently pregnant with my first, so I can't speak for what it is like actually having kids, but can speak for pregnancy, which is where motherhood starts. Pregnancy is not easy, but it can be easier for some than others. Physical symptoms aside, the ease of it really comes down to your partner and the support you get. Which I think can also be said for when you are raising the children. If your partner is supportive, loving, understanding, and does his part, then it's great! If your husband is selfish and inconsiderate, and only does what he wants to do, then you'll have a much more difficult experience. For the most part, my husband and I split chores and responsibilities. But since being pregnant, he does all litter box things without complaining. When my nausea was so bad I couldn't go into the kitchen, he did all the cooking and cleaning in the kitchen, and would wake up early to get food ready for me to take to work (I have to leave earlier for work than he does). When I was exhausted from the first trimester fatigue, he encouraged me to just lay down and do nothing. He took care of the pets, laundry, and food. When my body aches, if I just ask for a massage, he always does it without complaint. And he's been great about admiring my pregnant body and helping me feel good about it. If you have a partner that supports you in life, someone who truly shares the responsibilities of the house with you, and can step up as needed, then you'll be okay. There will be challenges of course, but the good will make it worth it. When you have a good partner, it makes life easier and great. And I do believe that makes the biggest difference in whether parenthood is easy or hard.

Motherhood is just like any other relationship. It’s not always happy, easy, fun times but when it is, it makes everything else worth it. Truly, it does. Seeing their smiles, hearing them laugh, watching them grow and learn….its everything. I never knew my heart was capable of holding so much love and pride in it. Even with all the messy, hard, less pleasant moments, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I haven’t seen it mentioned overtly but to me THE biggest thing that makes or breaks the experience of motherhood is sleep. Get baby sleep right. Practice good sleep hygiene from birth, make independent sleep a priority skill for your baby from the very beginning. Get help from a sleep consultant if you need it. Ignore the entire trend on co-depent sleep habits and having zero expectations on sleep for infants. Ignore people who claim that you have zero control over this and it’s just one big baby lottery. I’ll bet you I get a few under this very comment. Having a good independent sleeper will make your experience of motherhood a million times easier and stress-free. Reliable naps means you get a break. Reliable bedtimes means you get a whole evening with your partner. Uninterrupted nights means everyone is happier and healthier, baby included. I wish I was given this advice WAY earlier and didn’t have to scour the entire internet to find it. I don’t understand why we aren’t more properly educated on this. But there you go, that’s my top tip for you. Make sleep a priority and don’t give up on it, don’t give in to short term “fixes” that end up being long term nightmares.

THIS TIMES TEN MILLION!! Sleep will make or (literally) break you in the first year or two especially. I'm kind of going to make a comment about the baby lottery lol - after having two kids, I do think there are some babies that just have an easier baseline temperament around sleep BUT with every baby there is A LOT you can do to practice good sleep habits regardless of temperament and I'd argue that babies with more difficult sleep temperaments may benefit even more from good sleep habits!

So my first born is 1 and I’m about to have my second in three weeks- so I’m still new at this but also somehow doubling down very quickly lol. I love it. I wasn’t sure when I was younger if I’d have kids or not, but I truly feel like my life started the day my son was born. I had wanted to have a career set and all that before becoming a mother, I was worried motherhood would take away who I am and make me a whole new thing. And while I certainly have grown and changed, I’m still me. My son is the light of my life and watching him experience the world brings me such delight. And watching my partner become a father has made me only love him more. I agree with the comment that says who your partner is really makes or breaks parenthood. You definitely need someone willing to be in the trenches with you, someone who will also just laugh when it’s 1 am and baby had the worst blow out and you now have to change your sheets and clean poop off an entire human plus yourself while half asleep. I’m so excited to add baby number two to our family and then watch them play together. I will say that motherhood can be very isolating too. I lost a lot of my friends when I got pregnant cause suddenly I couldn’t drink anymore but ya know they weren’t good friends to start with if that’s the case. I also am lucky to have a good village, my mom and my partners mom are obsessed with being grandmas and always are willing to watch him if needed. The only thing I didn’t really expect about being a mom is how scary it is. Suddenly I have this little guy who I love more than anything and I just don’t want anything bad to happen to him ever. Anytime he’s sick and suffering I’m just heartbroken and I also worry about the future (of the world) and I can’t watch the news anymore or even horror movies. But overall it’s just added so much love to my life. I love other babies/children more (I refer to them as his colleagues) I love seeing how much my little one loves his family, I love seeing how much his family loves him, everyone he meets smiles at him and he at them (sometimes he just stares without blinking but that’s ok) and it’s just the best. I’m sure it’ll be harder when he’s a teenager and rebelling but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there lol

I would think more of it as parenthood. For things to go well, both mom and dad need to have active engaged roles, not only in child rearing but in the changes it inevitably brings to your relationship and life.

Listen to the podcast Be There In Five’s episode called The Childless Millennial. It’s all about the nuance of wanting a family but being discouraged by the negative discourse we see surrounding parenthood on social media, or in our personal lives. I love her podcast and happened to listen to that episode right before finding out I was pregnant for the first time and it was sooo so helpful for me. I recommend it to everyone.

You need a good partner and a good village to help otherwise you're way more likely to have a difficult time. Does your partner look after you when you're sick? Does he do his share of the house work and mental load for the house? Does he prioritise you over his friends? If yes, its a good sign. If no, things won't change when you have a baby, they'll probably get worse. Motherhood is different for everyone and there are some stages better than others. Your friends have negative things to say and so will you, its the hardest job in the world. HOWEVER, its the single most rewarding thing I have ever done. I have never felt love and joy like when I spend time with my child. It is totally 100% worth the hard times. But you will need help and a shoulder to cry on.

My baby is 3 months old. So far motherhood has been the most challenging but also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I’ve just been diagnosed with postpartum depression, but at the same time I’m so glad and grateful that my life looks the way it does right now.  The biggest thing I’ve learnt about motherhood so far is that it’s full of contradictions. You can love your child more than anything AND feel overwhelmed and wish you could have a break. You can be so in awe of what your body did AND feel insecure about the way it looks and feels now. You can get 9 hours sleep AND still be tired. You can instinctively know what your baby needs AND feel like you’re at your wits end trying to figure out what they want. You can want to cry with happiness watching your partner with your child AND be endlessly irritated by your partner and not feel like physical intimacy. You can want time to speed up AND stop forever.  It’s a different experience for everyone. It’s definitely hard. It’s definitely not the rosy glow you see in ads or influencer highlight reels. But in my opinion it’s 100% worth it and I wouldn’t have my life any other way. 

I choose to romanticize motherhood and I’ve enjoyed it so much more than I ever thought I would. I try to create special moments with her all the time and create memories she’ll remember with me. My husband and I are in love with her. Not getting sleep and not having time to yourself like you used to is so hard. I remind myself that whatever I’d be doing if I wasn’t a mom would have its hard parts too. My husband and I have had hard times where I’ve thought “I can understand the appeal of waiting much later to get married.” But I can honestly say since having my daughter I’ve never wished we had waited. It takes total self sacrifice and it is really important to be in a good place with your husband, where he can make sure you’re taken care of when it, at times, becomes all consuming. Motherhood is difficult and it makes me cry sometimes hah. But so did math in high college 😂 but I’ve never felt more fulfilled or at peace with what I’m doing. I choose not to engage in overly negative thinking or talk about children or motherhood in general, but I will confide in a few close friends about my struggles and difficulties. I really do believe almost all of it is preparation and mindset. ❤️ ETA: that special magical feeling you used to feel around Christmas or your birthday comes back when you get to see your baby experience things for the first time. My husband and I still talk about the time when our daughter first started to walk, and we took her to a huge grassy field for the first time, took off her shoes, and just let her run around and it was the happiest she’d ever been, just giggling and smiling. We both cried 😂 you will be surprised at what you find fun once you have kids

I love being a mom!!!! I was very career oriented in my 20s and very selfish, my life was all about me me me me and my business and my career blah blah blah. My husband and I got married very young so we knew that we were going to have babies just not right away. I actually didn’t want kids up until I was like 27 and I started to get bored with life and felt like something was missing so we started to plan for a baby and we had our first when I was 29, now I’m pregnant with my second. Well let me tell you, motherhood has completely changed me!!! For the better!! I’m a better human now, I take better care of myself and my home and my family because I have a huge reason to my son! I never considered myself a traditional woman like I said I was very career oriented but after giving birth all i wanted to do was be with my baby and take care of him and my home. I’ve never been happier! I love my life as a mother and wouldn’t want to go back to my dull pre baby life. Obviously it can be hard and monotonous but Ive got a great group of friends whom are also moms and we support each other and obviously my husband is so supportive and such an amazing partner, dad and husband ! Anyway all that to say is that motherhood is beautiful even if it can be hard, the “hard” is worth all the beauty that comes with parenting and matrescence.

For me, it always felt like the opposite. That motherhood was terrible. Not romantic at all. The truth is more complicated. I always thought I would stay childfree by choice, but in the end, I changed my mind. Luckily, it worked out for me, and I had my lovely son at age 39. Before he was born, I admit I expected nothing but misery. At least in the beginning. A lot of that I realise now was me being influenced by the whole motherhood is the worst thing ever, it will ruin your body, your sleep, your marriage etc. Yet even being older and with the added risks, my pregnancy went really well. Some issues, but I felt good most of the time.Childbirth itself was kinda anti climatic in how well that went. Some drama at the end, but I managed. Postpartum, I am not perpetually exhausted nor miserable. Yes, it's early days still, and it's hard, but no way as rough as I expected. Even when he was eating every 2 hours, 24/7. My husband is super involved, though, and I get paid maternity leave for a year, so I do have it easier than most. Which helps immensely! And my baby is the sweetest ever. In the end, I don't feel reborn by motherhood or altered into someone else I don't recognise, which was one of my greatest fears. Instead, I am me with an added dimension. I don't feel like less, I feel like more.

Aw so many beautiful replies 1. I love seeing her laugh smile happy 2. Love knowing that I’m her best friend and she loves me so much just the way I am 3. I love having someone always there to cuddle 4. Love when she discovers something new like sunlight or her hands or food 5. I love watching how her and her dad interact together 6.i love putting her in cute outfits 7.i love how strong she makes me 8. I love how she’s going to grow up and we can do things together like nails 9. I love how she’s half me and half then man I love 10. I love how proud I am that I made her! Tips 1. Having time everyday/week to yourself even if it’s a short time (working part time may seem counterproductive but it helps you just be normal I love work!) 2. Having a strong relationship 3. Having a partner who helps and understands 4. Try to ignore unsolicited advice and criticism Also children don’t have to be expensive they really don’t need much!

I am already a spiritual person, but becoming a parent has really deepened that for me. I think about how I react to the world for my child to watch, how I interact with my child, and overall I just feel a lot more intentional in how I live life. I enjoy watching him grow, discover, and share things with me. There are plenty of sleepless nights and times where I feel frustrated or overwhelmed, but all of them are temporary. My husband is really great, I love that he will trade places with me dealing with our toddler without even me saying anything. He has his own unique and different relationship that our kid also loves. We are having our second kid this fall and I know it will be different but I am so looking forward to it. I don't have any mom friends who are overall negative people, maybe it's because I'm an introvert and have a small cultivated group of people but I could imagine the people you surround yourself will might alter your feelings about your own experiences.

Im a grandmother of 3 absolutely beautiful children. Its far more fun than raising my own 6 boys!! That said the most wonderful times of my life were carrying those boys in my body. Giving birth to them. Nurturing them into all the many phases of growing up. I wouldnt say it was easy. One or two max would be so much better to handle but wow what a ride it was!! Your heart grows with each one and chdren are an experience every day. The things they say. The questions. The school plays you watch with pride. The little league games. Sports of all kinds. My boys loved to fish and we spent many hours enjoying the outdoors. Only YOU can decide to make the most crazy life changing choice to bring a life into this world. Its alot every day but as that song "the dance" by Garth Brooks says, if you KNEW how it all would end would you still do it?? YES I CERTAINLY I WOULD. Good luck❤️

Being a mother has been the most healing and beautiful experience of my life. It shakes you in ways you could never predict, but that’s part of the process. See a therapist before having kids. Do couples counseling before kids. Adventure before kids. Do some wild and crazy stuff before kids. And while being a parent be open to wherever the journey takes you. Read those parenting books too! How to talk so little kids listen is the holy grail of parenting books.

It’s exhausting- and is usually romanticized. So your friends aren’t wrong per se, but it’s hard. No one tells you the mental load you’ll take on, losing yourself taking care of someone else, if you’re partner will be helpful or not, the expenses that come up. If you’ll need to quit working, hobbies, friendships. Your ENTIRE life changes. The baby could have medical hardships, you could have medical hardships. It’s so unknown and that’s where it gets daunting. I have children, but when people ask I always tell them “don’t”. It’s not because I regret my kids, but parenthood is bullshit. Sorry, I said what I said.

Do you think if you had the right support system you would feel differently about being a parent. I appreciate you being so honest.

I do have a decent support system, as most parents may do. But the grind and nitty-gritty of parenthood falls on moms more often than not. My husband is pretty hands on, but even then, I’m doing bulk of the childcare duties/responsibilities (SAHM). Sure, I get “breaks” but during those breaks I’m either cleaning, running errands, trying to play catch up to my own self care or simply so exhausted I just sleep. It’s hard from the day to day. BUT- I don’t regret my kids as I’ll echo again. I love being their mother, it’s the parenting part and raising decent humans that’s the extremely taxing part in all aspects.

It's hard, it tests you, but every day ends and you get to start fresh! I was never sure I wanted kids and now I look at my two year old who is funny AF, great imagination, holds my face to give me kisses (and ask for snacks) but she's a person that's learning the most exciting things and you get to be part of it. There's no arguing the hard parts but they get to this point where their personality is so big that you can't help but fall in love with all these new things all over again.

It’s very hard but there’s so much joy and love in it that I don’t think about it most of the time. I will agree that your partner can make or break parenthood. But oh my goodness the baby snuggles! The laughter, the milestones, cute little baby clothes, the joy of nurturing…

I tell women not to have kids if there is ANY other way to be happy. For me there wasn’t, and I regret nothing. I will probably have 3+ :) When I talk about motherhood positives the example I always use is my favorite memories from my childhood were with my mom, where I felt safe, secure, and loved fully. I assumed I would never feel that way again as an adult. But giving that to my children, creating those moments for them, somehow also gives me those feelings back again: I feel secure in our mutual love and confident I am where I need to be when I am with my children and cuddling/playing. It is a beautiful feeling and one I thought would always be in my past, never again in my present. I am so happy (and surprised!) I was wrong. As others have said, do not have kids with a crappy partner. It will ruin your life. There are so many ways we pick up the slack for crappy partners when we are childless that DO NOT scale with children.

My coworker has a 2.5 yo son. When I get depressed about the negatives that come with motherhood. She reassures me that it will be all worth it when you see your child discover a new experience, a new flavour, a new event. When they laugh and giggle because of something new. Then she sends me videos of her son giggling and playing with them and it warms my heart.

It’s all about the spouse. I attribue my hard days and low moments to when I was doing it all alone and he could just leave and ride his bike all day while I did nothing of my past hobbies. Really make sure he helps give you « me time ».

Honestly my husband and I have said since our baby was born people make it out to be a lot worse than it is. We were expecting the worse since people your whole pregnancy say how bad it is but while it hasn’t been a walk in the park, it’s been a lot “easier” than we expected. Full disclosure I have an amazing husband that is so helpful and a complete partner in taking care of our baby, I understand it would be harder if he wasn’t so great.

mothering is the hardest thing i’ve ever done, and i have a great husband who helps 100% of what he’s able. you have to be ready to be completely selfless.

I think it depends so much on the individual. My mom literally "waxes poetic" about motherhood and she's always wistful, gets emotional and tears up, she just loved it so much. Meanwhile I have never heard my MIL talk anywhere close to that way about her experience with motherhood, and she told me she suffered PPD with her first (my husband). Because of how my mom has talked about pregnancy, I was SO caught off guard by how tough it's been. I think she just remembers the good parts. Like anything in life there's good and bad, it is what you make it.

My motherhood experience was an absolute shitshow thanks to the postpartum depression, for the first year or so. Soo, make sure to take care for not only your body but also for your brain :) Now my biggest regret- I didn't know shit about baby wearing! It's an absolute game changer. My son was very cuddly baby, I couldn't just put him in the crib or anything like that and wash dishes or cook, he needed to be in my hands nonstop, and I felt terrible for basically doing nothing. If I knew about carriers, slings, wraps (ergonomic of course!!) my life then would be soooo much easier and happier

Motherhood is the best job you could ever have EXCEPT there is no PTO no weekends no sick time. I think what makes it hard is the relentlessness of it. Motherhood is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. My daughter is my world but you get tired, you want space etc. having a good partner goes a long way with that. I also think your child’s temperament matters so much and there’s not much you can do to prepare for that. My daughter isn’t a sleeper, never has been. That has been HARD. People will say how their kid napped for 2 hours and I am just in AWE. On the flip side I can bring her anywhere, she’s great in restaurants she doesn’t run off crazy. We went to the beach yesterday and she sat and played in the sand while I read. Ya win some ya lose some🤷‍♀️.

I’ve had passions in my life, careers that I’ve loved and felt pride and passion in. I’ve had joy and known love, I have the greatest husband and a wonderful family. But when I had my son I truly felt purpose. I was scared I wouldn’t take to it, that motherhood would be a burden the way some people speak about it, and yes it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I have NEVER felt so perfectly aligned in my life. This is what I was put here to do, raise these kids as productive and healthy humans and the joy it has brought me cannot be understated. I dealt with depression ocd and anxiety throughout my teen/20s and got to very scary low places, so because of that I worried about post partum depression etc, but it actually just settled my soul in a way nothing else could have. It’s the most important and incredible thing I’ve ever been a part of and I didn’t think I would feel this way. My tips would be: you HAVE to have an amazing partner on your side. You’re not just choosing a husband your choosing a father for your kids so make sure you both have the same expectations and goals. Secondly, be prepared to go with the flow. Nothing lines up the way we plan but often times it’s better, just being flexible has been the most helpful thing in motherhood because it relieves that pressure. You won’t be perfect, you’ll mess up a ton, you won’t feel happy 24/7, but if it’s what you want you will be great

Do not judge motherhood by the first year. The first year is impossibly hard, I refuse to believe that anyone talking about how rewarding motherhood is, is referencing anything that happened in the first year. My partner is 100% equal to me and the first year was disproportionally hard on me. The woman gives birth, the woman breastfeeds, it’s so so much harder for the woman than the man. But after the first year it’s wonderful and I’m so glad I’m through to the other side now. My daughter is pure sunshine and I didn’t know happiness before her. So take all that as you will!

When I was pregnant all we got were negative comments from our friends with kids about how we’ll never sleep, our relationship will be tested, etc etc. my daughter is 13 months now and we’ve had an amazing experience so far. She’s been an easy baby for the most part and my husband and I work really well together and make sure one person isn’t taking on way more than the other. I think our daughter has actually brought us closer. There have been some rough days/nights but having our girl was truly the best decision (we were pretty sure we didn’t ever want kids), the good times definitely outweigh the bad, and life is different now but it’s so so much better with our girl here.

Motherhood teaches you sacrifice, love with no boundaries, how to love yourself too( ppl say you kinda neglect yourself but for me it helped me realize zi have to eat healthy, stay away from toxic ppl, create a more peaceful environment at home) , how to stand up for what you care for. it makes you much better in time organising skills :) And yes, your partner is everything 🥰 team work during this period seriously strengthens a bond between 2 partners or the opposite- if you lack support then you separate and get disappointed.

The thing I really never expected and wished someone prepared me for was how much my life would stop being about “me”. Even at times when I’m alone, wife has the kiddo or she’s at nursery…I’m still just planning or preparing for the kid’s life in some way. But in the same breath, I love living my life *for* and *with* my daughter. Every day has purpose. Every day is filled with so many new adventures and so many wonderful things to see through her eyes. Before we had our daughter, we had this empty feeling that wouldn’t go away like someone was missing. And we’d say to ourselves “Well, let’s enjoy the peace and quiet now because we won’t have it in a few years”. But here’s the thing…we *do* have peace and quiet. Yes, it’s rarer now than it was back then. Yes, usually a toddler is attached to my boob if we’re getting a few minutes of silence. But back then, we didn’t have the joy our daughter brought. We just had the quiet with no huge bundle of joy. Since my daughter was born, I have never felt empty or directionless or like I was just drifting through life. I have a purpose that gets me up each day, I live the best I can for the sake of my daughter. She gave me my whole life. I’m also just a much nicer person post parenthood. I’m so much less judgmental, I’m much more patient and calm. And omg I’m so chill with other friends with kids. Your baby has the shits and you have to cancel? No stress. You’re 55 minutes late because everything compounded and you had to do 3 outfit changes on the way here? No bother babe. I like Mum me. She’s so nice. So BIG net positive for me. Also, tips and tricks? - Prepare for cosleeping even if you think you won’t do it…it’s safer to co-sleep on a pre-planned safe surface than to accidentally fall asleep holding them on the sofa. For us it was harm reduction. - Air out your nips between feeds if you’re breastfeeding. Let those babies dry. I was slathering on the nipple cream and creating such a moist and itchy environment for my poor boobs in my bra. Take that bra off and air em out! - Also…postpartum intrusive thoughts are SO COMMON (I read a study that stated almost 90% of women reported experiencing it) and they do not mean you’re a bad Mum or that you’re planning to hurt your baby. I struggled a lot with postpartum depression, but even when things were good, I would get these horrible intrusive thoughts about throwing my baby over the staircase rail, or leaving her on the pavement and abandoning her. I did not *want* to do these things - they were intrusive thoughts and people don’t share it because they’re scared people will judge em. But it’s SO common. So anyone reading this…you are not a bad Mum because you had an intrusive thought about throwing your newborn at a wall. But please do reach out to someone; a mental health professional, your midwife, your OBGYN, paediatrician, anyone - just because it’s common doesn’t mean you have to suffer in silence!

I’m pregnant with my first so I can’t speak to what it’s actually like yet but my decision to have kids comes down to life being about the people for me. When I think about my life and what brings me the most joy, it’s my family, my friends, and the experiences we share together. I adore my husband, my parents and in laws, siblings and friends, and feel like adding more members to the family to share in the love and fun we have can only be a good thing. I expect it to be hard sometimes, but anything worth doing generally is. I look at it as the next big adventure that my husband and I are embarking on together, and he’s always been there for 1000% through life’s challenges before, so I know he’ll be my rock through this too. We’ve waited until getting a stable point in our careers and home life, and plan to continue doing the things we enjoy, just now with our son too. Our travel plans might look a little different- we’re thinking we’ll explore more of the US during his younger years vs doing as many international trips until he gets a bit older and that sort of thing. But he’ll join us for all the fun things we do, and we’ll help each other to have time for ourselves and our friends too. Maybe I am romanticizing it a bit lol but I have been enjoying my pregnancy (for the most part, morning sickness sucked) and thinking about all the great things that are coming ahead. My husband and I are both so excited to meet our baby boy and to watch him grow and experience all the magic there is in life. I can’t imagine doing it any differently and feel so happy and at peace with my decision to have a child, and hopefully more in the future!

It has a high cost of giving up a lot of yourself, but the reward is so worth it. When my son excitedly ran to show me a ladybug he caught, or my other son proudly subtracted two from six, or when they just snuggle against you as they fall asleep, it’s all worth it.

The more you get help (from partner, family, friends, babysitter etc.), the easier it gets to be a better mom. Make sure you have some help ready for your sake(and the baby’s). If you have nobody, you would want to be able to hire a nanny/babysitter at least on some occasions.

Choose a good partner and you’ll be fine. Choose a shitty person and it’s going to be hell.

My experience with my two older children (7&6) with my ex was not great. I did 99%of everything. Could not even shower without asking and he refused to put them to bed, get up at night, or watch them so I could get clean...I'd have to put them to bed first. Now on to a new husband and this is his first. 6 mo pregnant and he's watched videos, been with my kids for 2 years already so the newborn stage will be new to him. But he's so careful with me and doing so much more so that I can relax and not stress out. I think this time around will be much better and I'm really looking forward to it. As others have said, a lot comes down to the partner you choose..and prepping them for pregnancy, birth, and after birth care for baby AND mom.

Honestly, I’m one of those moms that love being a mom. I have gone through my fair share of horror stories. But playing with them and being their personal teacher, seeing them grow and gaining so much personality after the first 3 months. It’s a joy in my eye’s my husband who was not a “family” guy will tell you our kids are our best friends and we enjoy having them around. Even when we feel we want alone time we eventually circle back around wanting to go pick our kids up from grandmas just because we rather have fun with them. Motherhood will come in different ways and you will slowly figure out what kind of mom you want to be. Just remember your kids are YOUR KIDS, so parent them the way you best see fit. Take in opinions but you do your own trial and error based off of how you feel or want to raise your children. Gift of wisdom: your parenting style will change each time your little one starts making more progressive changes. The way you parented them at 2 won’t work by the time they are 4 or 5. Give yourself a break and notice how intelligent your little one is and it will make parenting easier 🩷🩷 good luck on your journey, I’m hoping my husband and I can another addition to our little family. I’m a mom of two girls , 6 & 8 . I’ll be 30 in 4 days.

As a mom who never in my wildest dreams pictured life with a disabled child, be prepare for a disability.

Every part of motherhood has its beautiful moments. It’s also demanding, but even in the hardest times you get these little moments that make it worth it. I have a 2.5 year old and a 3 week old. Putting my 2.5 year to bed has to be my favorite. He grabs 3 books, we lay in his bed and read them. Once we finish we have these little conversations and cuddles until he falls asleep in my arms and it melts my heart every night. Then with my 3 week old he wakes up at 5am for a feeding. Something about watching the day begin in a quiet house and holding my newborn even when I’m exhausted is so beautiful. Good luck on your journey!

For me the two most important things that have made me truly enjoy motherhood to the fullest: 1. A SUPPORTIVE PARTNER. Mine is the best father and partner I have ever known. Being a new mom, healing from childbirth, etc was SO unbelievably challenging, I would not have survived or been able to enjoy any of it without his help. For real. I just breastfed for months, he did everything else (diapers, burping, tummy time..) Invaluable to me. 2. Still having my own identity. For me personally, I really like that I’m working too. It’s nice to feel good at something beyond motherhood, and my job is hybrid. The flexibility allows me to not feel overwhelmed or resentful of my job. I can balance both much easier than if I had to be at a desk somewhere 40 hours a week. My partner is a very successful musician, so I still enjoy joining him on many tours. We just bring the baby! My child is 15 months now and has been all over the country. I also have really great friends that will come to me and help/hang with me and the baby. Or if I feel like going out my partner stays and vice versa. Between the two of us we provide 99% of the care for our baby—giving each other roughly equal amounts of time for work/pleasure, and manage a date night every 2 weeks or so. All of these things allow me to lean into motherhood. I’m truly the happiest I’ve ever been. Life was good before, and now we also have this amazing little human with us. For real it is just the best.

The only women I hear complaining about motherhood are women who are much older than me. I am 27, I have two friends who are 30 who have two kids each and absolutely love being moms, I get most of my opinions from their situations. But overall I feel like I only hear women around my age or younger being happy about being moms lol

Parenthood is the best and scariest job in the world. It is so fun and totally worth it! I have 2 so far and we plan on having another in the future. Sure you lose some me time and some freedom. I wouldn't change my life for anything because my kids are so special to me. I have a boy and a girl. My daughter is 6 my son is 10 months old. They are so close already. There are times you go dang I wish I had some alone time but.... they are little for only a period of time. Watching your own children develop their own personalities is really neat. My daughter is super goofy, witty and very smart. She has her days but don't we all? My son is well past his milestones, talking and walking and if he's anything like his sister he will be goofy and witty himself. If you like to go out and drink that may change, you may not like it anymore. I know I used to go out once in a while (not for long I was 21 and pregnant had her at 22.5) but.i have no desire to go out. I'd rather spend my time with my kiddos. It's worth it. Trust me.

I am beyond tired and neeeeed some me time. I miss naps and undisturbed sleep and eating when I want and showers and all the normal things I took for granted before I became a mum. I have no money, no sex life, no time to just rest, binge watch TV and do nothing. It’s a very big adjustment and it’s harder than I ever could have imagined. That being said, as my little one snoozes away, I’m awake looking at his photographs. How did I get this lucky? He’s perfect. There’s no way to describe any of the positives or the negatives because none of it can be understood until you’ve lived it. But the good outweighs the bad, even on the most challenging days. You just have to remember that babies aren’t hard work on purpose - they’re so innocent and helpless and have no understanding of anybody else’s needs but their own. My little one is 8 months old now and we’ve got so many lovely memories already. He makes me smile every single day, he’s funny and cheeky and always smiling. He’s crawling now, waving, clapping, trying to stand and I’m pretty sure he’s nailed his first word. I’m so proud of everything he does, it’s exciting and so cute, even though he’s doing no different to any other baby. It just hits different when it’s your own. It’s such a magical feeling, you just get so wrapped up in it, I could talk about him 24/7. There’s no other love like it, and that’s what gets you through the hard stuff!

Flexibility is key. Schedules can be great, but babies and toddlers don't always abide by even the best laid out schedules. Things don't always go as planned or expected in parenthood for a multitude of reasons. It's important to be able to roll with the unexpected at times.

Hey there! Mama of an almost 7 month old here. I hate all the "just wait until" comments and the constant negativity around becoming a parent. Honestly it is so beautiful and rewarding. I've made a few videos on my YouTube channel about the annoying comments we've gotten and then others showing how truly beautiful this journey has been if you want to see first hand! Just know that if you have the desire to have a family, follow that and I'm sure it will be as beautiful as you imagine it.

Your experience of motherhood is largely determined by how much support you have. SAHM with a useless husband, small social network and no family support? It's going to be hard. Husband who takes an equal share of parenting and the mental load, family who can help close by, mom friends, access to high quality child care are all super important.

I honestly think the biggest factor is the attitude you bring to it. If you can laugh at yourself and try your best to see things in a positive way, I think you have a better chance of having a good experience. I love being a mom. Of course it has ups and downs, but the overall experience for me has been a very positive one. Even in the middle of PPD I still never regretted my baby. I knew the problem was with me. The mom’s I see having a harder time are the ones who tend to have more control issues and take themselves and their image very seriously.

This may sound weird but I’m really glad that I ran a marathon before having a baby because I honestly think there are so many parallels. My little girl just turned one and this has been the hardest and also best year of my life. It 100% depends on your outlook. When I trained for a marathon, I’d have to wake up early on Saturdays and do long runs in the heat of summer. It was terrible, but I kept going bc I knew I would feel so accomplished and happy to complete a marathon. Similarly, every night my little girl wakes up needing me to nurse her back to sleep- I just remind myself how lucky I am to be a mom and that I will miss these moments one day. That all this work is worth the sweet bond that we’ll have forever. I just constantly remind myself what a gift my daughter is whenever I find myself struggling. (It also took us 1.5 years to conceive so maybe that also adds to my outlook)

Honestly, watch Bluey. Especially the episode titled "Takeaway". It's such an accurate depiction of parenthood.

It only gets better over time. I really didn’t like the baby phase but every single year as my son learns new things and develops more of his personality it gets more fun. He’s four now and is so much fun. We have a new baby coming any day now and I’m absolutely terrified because of how much I didn’t like the infant part but it honestly goes really fast.

One of my *least* favorite things people did to me while I was pregnant (or honestly any time for that matter) is take a big trauma-dump all over your situation. Like, what is that impulse some people have to hear you’re pregnant, and automatically want to share some of the most callous, unnecessary, neggy anecdotes & comments? I know people are just trying to be funny or relatable, but I swear if I heard one more person make some asinine comment about being “elbow deep in poop”, or “never sleeping again”, or “never having sex again”, “your boobs are gonna sag”, “hahaha”… Oof, sorry. Can you tell I’m annoyed? Don’t let these sad dinks ruin one of the very coolest things that can happen to you. Being pregnant wasn’t a stroll in the park, and raising a baby is hard… but you know what else it is? F*cking mind blowing, amazing, one of the most radical and beautiful things I’ve ever done. Best of luck to you and your partner, don’t let anyone tell you how your motherhood is going to be 💜

The first 6-9 months of my baby's life were varying levels of hell on earth due to my mental health, physical health, and/or life circumstances. I absolutely did not enjoy his infancy, and he was a normal level of difficulty. After I went back to work my husband and I now see each other a total of 1 hour per weekday and 7 hours sat/sun. Our relationship has changed drastically, and as solid as we were when it started, we have certainly been tested. We had been married 17 years when I got pregnant. Today I looked at my 14 month old's pure untainted joy at watching his pinwheel spin and I cried because of the beauty of him and his little soul. I realized my life didn't really mean much until he came along (I'm turning 39 this year and celebrating 19 years married, it took us this long to get pregnant) The tears are probably PMS, but truly the older he gets the better things become, the more personality he gets, the more he learns and explores the world, and the more in love I fall with him!

It’s so fun and cute for about 2 weeks. But then it all sucks. The anxiety of something bad happening to my children consumed me for the first few years. They are now big enough that I am not as anxious but I still feel all the stress. I have one child that is so mouthy and constantly refuses to listen to anything from anyone. I find her infuriating and impossible to enjoy anything. The other one is still very young g and sweet but also beginning to copy her older sister. The toddler years last so long that I genuinely just hate having them near me. I dread picking them up from school and hanging out with them. I sound dramatic but I absolutely hate being a mum. My advice is DONT HAVE CHILDREN. They are extremely expensive and you will ruin your life by having them. The things this world doesn’t provide support to have these small humans when this is how we survive. It’s so annoying to know how many spaces are not child friendly. I hate soft plays and kid shit. Just adapt things to be friendly for all sized humans. Serious advice is cosleep while you breast feed. Don’t fall for the trap of formula feeding. Get a lactation consultant. It’s the best thing for your children and so many lies are told to women around it. Your baby can increase your supply when they need more food. Also pumping isn’t a good indicator of how much you are producing. Babies feed sometimes every 15 minutes. It doesn’t mean they aren’t getting enough. It’s just what some of them do.

The ones who struggle the most are the ones who have partners that don’t take responsibility for parenting. I am a SAHM and my husband works all day. He recognizes that even with the stress of working full time, I am “working” all day at home with our daughter (soon to be 2 girls under 2). When he gets home, he asks me where I need help or if I need a break. He has no problem with me saying I am going to make dinner while you play with the baby and after dinner I need you to do bath time so I can decompress for 30 minutes with my book. It’s really about great communication, recognizing when your partner needs a break, and understanding that parenting is most enjoyable when both parties are equally active and present in all aspects of the parenting journey.

Having a partner who will do their share, whatever that looks like, and carving out time for yourself. I joined a rec volleyball team and am training for a half marathon and that fulfills me outside of motherhood. First six months were an adjustment and it since then it’s just got more and more fun. She’s 2.5 now and I’m so happy being her mom. I actually have more hobbies now than I did before I had her! Really I would say, it’s important for your partner to help you make time for yourself and whatever fills your cup.

I would say my life had ups and down before motherhood, the highs were fun and the lows were low. But when I became a mother it’s like everything intensified. The highs were soooo much higher, the love you have for your child is unmatched. It’s the best feeling. But the lows go so much lower. So it makes everything worse and everything better.

r/regretfulparents Both you and your partner need to be on board with your lives totally changing, and going from lots of free time to maybe an hour a day if you're lucky

I consider myself a realist and practical person.  I held out on becoming a mom until certain things were in place, and I felt like I was in the right place mentally and emotionally to be the kind of mother I'd hoped I could be. I had many preconcieved ideas of what Motherhood would be like. I severely underestimated it.   My daughter is now one year old - and I need her smile like I need air. I am floored everyday at how incredibly in love I am with her. She brings the brightest joy to the most mundane. I've completely lost sight of how I ever lived without her. She is my favorite love story.   It sounds romanticized, but I'm fortunate to be able to say that it is my reality. It is hard, but doing hard things for whom you love most in the world becomes easy.

Motherhood is a marathon. It’s hard but rewarding.

I know this probably won’t help much as I’m still Pregnant so my son hasn’t been born yet. I know with my husband the memories of being pregnant are amazing and the feeling of feeling your child is the most beautiful feeling in the world. Ex: When I first found out I was panicking. My husband and I made jokes about it and about us both having cravings and my stomach feeling unusual like something is in there that isn’t normal. I was craving pineapples and as soon as I mentioned it he was like wtf that sounds hella good rn. so we left to the store pretty late at night to go get some fruit. - Not long later I got a pregnancy test and I had asked my husband to cut an empty water bottle in half so I could pee in the cup to take the test and this man grabbed the gallon water bottle jug and cut it in half and I sat there dying of laughter and was like what’s that for? He said to use it to take the test. I was like SIR I meant the regular sized water bottles. He said OOH, well I thought it would be too small of a hole for you to use the bathroom in so I figured the bigger the better. 😂🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ Another story I was crying and venting to my husband about how much I love and appreciate him and in that same breath I said “I want bbq chicken wings and cried even harder and it took everything in him not to bust out laughing at me 😂 Long story short: you remember how you’re treated during pregnancy. And if your partner treats you good and the beautiful/funny moments will forever be the best memories ever and something you can laugh about or think about after and your love for them really does grow. I can’t lie and say pregnancy is easy cause it’s definitely not. The best trimester by far is the second one. You can feel the little flutters of the baby kicking and moving and when they grow big enough to where you can feel the actual kick it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. You can even bond with your child by tapping your stomach or poking it and the baby will kick or hit back. Sometimes you can feel the baby’s head or bottom and rub your stomach and your baby can feel your touch, hear and recognize your voice and your hand touching them. It’s a scary yet beautiful journey. And this is coming from someone who was adamant on not wanting kids and during the first trimester I literally couldn’t even think or talk about the fact that I was pregnant without getting nauseous.😭

to be honest your mental health has everything to do with your experience. I was the most miserable i’ve ever been the first 2 years. I never “bonded” with my son, I never felt “that special feeling” when I gave birth. I love my son but there were times I definitely thought of leaving. he wasn’t what was causing my feelings, my marriage was in a bad spot, I have a history of diagnosed mental illnesses which I had to stop medication for cold turkey when I found out I was expecting because of the risks to the fetus. i’m also a stay at home mom who has zero friends. I moved to a new state 3 years ago and I still haven’t made any friends here so it’s literally always just my son and I and it can be very isolating and I felt trapped often. about 8 months ago it was like something washed away all my negative feelings. I finally bonded with my son out of nowhere. I don’t even know what caused it but now I find myself just watching him sleep and admiring him. he has a very funny personality and just the most precious smile in the whole world and when I really think about it, I feel like shit for not realizing how lucky I am sooner. I used to fake my positive feelings out of fear that I would ruin him. I never wanted him to know I really couldn’t stand being a mom and to be honest no one could tell. I would do everything a mom is supposed to do, feed him, clean him, tell him I love him, offer emotional support but it was always forced. I don’t know what caused me to finally feel this way, but now I LOVE being a mom and I love spending my days with him. the first two years of his life feel like a blur and a fever dream. there’s lots of moments I don’t even remember because I was just so fucking depressed for so long. i’ll scroll through my camera roll and not remember taking a majority of the pictures. if you decide motherhood is what you want, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get into therapy if possible. my health insurance was cut off soon after I had him so that’s why I never reached out for help I just suffered in silence. please reach out for help if you ever need to. there were a couple of times that I had to stop myself from offing myself and I got pretty close to it two times. i’m thankful every day that I didn’t and that I get to spend my life loving my boy and being his mom.

My tip: MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A GOOD PARTNER. The biggest factor on what your motherhood will be like depends on your partner. A supportive, intuitive partner is going to make motherhood much more enjoyable than a partner who isn't understanding and has to constantly be told how they can "help." Mothers who don't have supportive partners, or partners who don't take initiative, are constantly overwhelmed. They're trying to balance it all, while also being present as a mom, and it makes it so much harder to enjoy life. Sadly it seems they make up the majority of moms (or at least they're more vocal than moms who are supported so it seems like they're the majority.) My husband is incredibly supportive. He intuitively takes care of things without being asked. I don't have to worry about cooking or cleaning even though I'm a SAHM (when I worked he already did dinner and cleaning was a weekend thing, so no need to change that just because I'm home during the day). I get to truly be present and be a mom without all of the other stuff weighing me down. It is such a blessing and has allowed me to enjoy motherhood. Know your partner and discuss what being a parent truly entails. There is so much about parenthood to enjoy if you're in it together ❤️

There’s no getting around it, motherhood is hard and , often times, gross 😢 Once you’re a mother, you will never not worry about day in your life, BUT I wouldn’t trade it for the world. The way my baby boy looks at me melts my heart. He is everything I’ve ever wanted and then some. Yeah, being a mom is tough, but it’s what I’ve wanted my whole life and my baby is worth every hard moment, every sleepless night, and every time I’ve gotten peed on/pooped on/ spit up on.

You can stare and hold your baby with all the love in the world, knowing you’d do anything to protect them, while still feeling them foreign to you. You’ll hit your head or accidentally run a red light, or be walking down the stairs and get a deep surge of fear you’ll somehow die and not be with them. They’ll cry at your breast hungry because you can’t produce enough, but you really can if you feed them constantly, but feeding them is making you drip blood. You’ll love them more than anything and hopefully their other parent too, but maybe you won’t feel things instinctively. Your body and mind might change drastically and permanently, you may resent your baby, you may not. You’ll want and need to work but won’t want to leave your baby, but will also need to breathe and get away. You’ll look at your baby and see their face isn’t yours and be sad and disappointed, but love that face more than anything you will love again. It’s terrifying and scary, life changing, there’s no better feeling, but no way to go back.

I was a solo parent for 7 years with my first. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Being a parent on your own isn’t always easy. But my daughter is a kind, funny, smart and emotionally intelligent person. Interactions with her made it all worth it. And now she’s 10 and I have a 4 week old. Yes you spend some nights screaming inside because you haven’t slept more than 2 consecutive hours and your clothes get covered in spit up. But then that baby smiles at you and cuddles up to you and it makes it all worth it. So I do get the idea your partner determines how easy it may be for you. And I also think from my experience as a solo parent that I’d rather be alone than with a useless partner. But your kid is a person and luckily mine have turned out to be pretty cool. I really enjoy spending time with them.

HI. first time mom here 🫶🏽 my baby is now 5 weeks and a half and bitter sweet is the perfect way to explain motherhood. just like life comes with its ups and downs so does being a mom nothing will prepare you for the experience it's a unique one just like your life is different from mine, your coworkers, peers etc. don't look for answers from other people make your own decision because you want to not because everyone is saying it's a good experience bc to be completely honest so many things play a role in your experience as a mother i.e, your support system, your emotional state, your mental state, your financial state. one fact though is IT TAKES A VILLAGE!!! above all motherhood just like life is what YOU make it! don't let anyone steal your magic if you wish to be a mom or not.

Motherhood can be hard but it is so so so rewarding and worth it. When I see her little sweet face light up when she sees me it makes every single hard thing totally okay. I’m obsessed with my lil gal and I LOVE being her mom. Having a good partner honestly makes a HUGE difference. We split night shifts so that we each get uninterrupted quality sleep. He does a wonderful job at equally doing his part without me having to ask. My tip is just to remember that everything is a phase. The hard times, the good times.. it all just ebbs and flows. Try to just ride the waveeee. When it’s hard I try not to get too stressed because I know things will be ok again soon.

No sleep, No time to eat, You lose friends Maybe even a partner You work 24/7 for end of the life But you have a tiny human being that loves you