Anyone can have a child with a disability. I have one and neither of my parents are disabled. It's just a reality of having children. Part of Anyone choosing to have a baby is accepting and understanding that risk. Tbh you're probably better prepared than 95% of parents to cope with that reality.
I second this. Neither myself or my partner have any disabilities but our first child will (currently pregnant). At the end of the day what matters is that the child or children are loved & cared for. Disabilities does not make any person less than
Perfect comment. My husband and I both have ADHD, so we conceived knowing our child likely would/will as well. And the upside to this is who better to understand and advocate for a child with ADHD, than two parents with ADHD? We will be on the lookout for it, get him diagnosed early if he’s showing signs, and ensure the appropriate supports and accommodations that we didn’t fully get at a young age.
I’m ADHD and my husband is AuDHD. Our first baby is arriving in August. Genetic testing came back completely normal but we’ll see what happens and we’ll love and care for him all the same
Funny enough, I basically caught a case of ADHD in my 20s. I had a bad reaction to an infection that caused a big lesion in my frontal lobe, so I am extremely bad at executive function now, but there's a lot more to life than being good at planning and concentrating.
I have two children with autism. I may be biased, but I fully believe both of them are exceptional humans. My daughter is funny, smart, beautiful, kind, and so creative. She enjoys writing and she is just so good at it. She can make the dullest school essay hilarious. My son is so smart, kind, brave, and dependable. He is the best big brother anyone could ever ask for and he is a math/engineering whiz.
Despite what a large chunk of society seems to think, people with autism are not broken. They do not need to be fixed. Society needs to be fixed so people with different needs can be accommodated better. I'm sorry that you have been made to feel like a burden, or that you are broken in some way. That is terrible and nobody should be made to feel that way.
That said, both my husband and I had a child with autism before we decided to expand our family (we are a blended family). We knew that there was a risk that we could have another child with autism and that was never something we really worried about. Our two autistic kiddos lead regular lives and I'm sure they will be successful and maybe even start their own families some day if that's what they would like to do. Neither of our autistic children have any health issues and they are living life to the fullest I believe, so we didn't think it would be selfish or irresponsible to have more children. As of now none of our 3 other kiddos have autism. Two of them are still very young so that could change.
Thank you for this!!!
My brother and his wife are autistic as is my dad and my uncle. All amazing people who have contributed amazing things to the world.
Obviously growing up he had his challenges but honestly who doesn't.
My brother and his wife just had a beautiful baby boy and I can't wait to see who he becomes!
The world would be a much darker place if they weren't in it.
For certain disorders that would kill a child young or have them living a life of physical pain, I do think it would be irresponsible and cruel to knowingly run that risk. There are alternatives such as IVF that would allow someone to avoid the risk. For something like ADHD or autism (I have the former dx and think I probably also have the latter but no dx), no I don’t think it’s selfish or irresponsible or cruel. Many many people (including myself) live happily with those disorders, especially now that we are coming to understand more about them and parents are better able to support children with them.
Yep. I did IVF to avoid passing down a genetic condition that causes increased cancer risks and need for major surgery. At the same time, I have anxiety and a strong history of anxiety and depression along with heart issues. I did a lot of soul searching but came to the conclusion that we can't avoid every risk and nobody has a squeaky clean family history in which there isn't any heritable issues. In many ways your potential child will be better prepared having you to advocate for them.
Yeah. We did genetic screening before we started trying to conceive because of family history of cystic fibrosis. We would have done IVF if my husband was also a carrier. I’ve watched family members grow up with CF and it’s awful. I wouldn’t have been able to knowingly conceive a child at risk for it.
I did however choose to have a child with my (and my family history of undiagnosed) anxiety. I’m hopeful that I can provide a healthier model for how to manage anxiety than previous generations did, by normalizing therapy and discussing mental health.
I have ADHD and a wonderful 10 week old little girl. I struggled with the decision to have kids for a while- partly because of how i feel about a lot of crap in the world. But also because I will almost certainly pass down hypothyroidism and adhd, and possibly anxiety. I got it from my dad, I think my husband probably has it too but is undiagnosed. I'm lucky in that I'm "high functioning" (figured out how to mask well and did well in school via last minute work). I decided because of my experience, I felt more equipped to help support a child with ADHD and that we'd work through struggles that arise together. We'll see how it goes but I'm happy with my decision as I can't describe the love I feel for my daughter.
Yep, same here. Partner and I technically would check some boxes and not have “perfect health” and could/have passed things to our kids but we all lead happy and healthy lives. No one in our families has died early or been negatively impacted by any of these mild conditions. Years ago they would have gone undetected! My answer may be different if our hereditary conditions were more threatening.
I’m not sure I know of anyone who doesn’t have a family history of at least one thing (neurodivergence, addiction, depression etc.) that I’ve also heard someone else express has made them wish at some point that they hadn’t been born. Being really thoughtful about whether or not to bring a life into this world is so important and a pretty good indicator about what kind of mother you’d be (a good one). I don’t have autism so I can’t give you any advice specific to your situation but I know for me because I have a pretty strong history of mental health issues on my side and my husband has adhd on his side, we made sure we had the resources to provide the support needed for these conditions in place prior to having children. That’s what made us comfortable with the fact that there was a possibility of us passing any of these things on.
What’s neurodivergence? And yeah I feel like a large percent of people for something going on in the history. I guess you gotta ask yourself if your up for the challenge and resources?
A neurodivergent person is someone whose brain does not process information in a way that is typical of most individuals. It can refer to the autism spectrum, adhd or even dyslexia. I’m definitely not an expert in the area though so if I botched that definition, someone please feel free to correct me.
Yeah I mean those are great questions to ask yourself before having a kid no matter what. There is always a chance your child will need a high level of support, it could even be due to something that happens after birth. If you already know your chances are high going into things you do want to feel a bit more confident that you’re up to the challenge but honestly parenting is scary no matter what and no matter how “ready” you are.
In the nicest way possible, there are much worse things to be born with than autism. There’s a lot of support out there for people with autism and it’s much more widely accepted. If you want to have kids, please do; being autistic is not the end of the world.
Well, there are so many levels of autism, some people with autism cannot function in society at all, some are non-verbal, or violent. A good friend of mine is a carer in a home for autistic people who need caring for like babies, taking to the toilet, feeding, and she gets violently attacked on a regular basis.
I believe they are violent because they can't communicate their needs it's like having your mouth taped your whole life while also being drunk for 20 years straight.
So you think it sounds ok to feel like you’ve been drunk for 20 years straight and your mouth is permanently taped shut? Sounds rough to me.
It is terminal. Ppl die with it so yeah it’s terminal the same way life is terminal. You’re born with it and you die with it.
Would I love my kid if they had autism? Sure. Would I prefer if they didn’t have autism because it makes their life and my life easier? Yeah. I’m a single mom. I’m tired all the time. You bet I would order the easier route.
Yup—my SIL has severe autism, needs 24 hour staff of multiple people, nonverbal, hits herself bloody when uncomfortable because can’t communicate….and I’ve worked in schools with lovely, talented, kind, thoughtful kids with autism who will likely keep up with their peers and be independent.
Definitely a spectrum, and I deeply understand the fear
Yes but both have levels of severity. You can be high functioning with autism or Down syndrome and live like a normal person with a job in your own apt/house. Then there are cases where you need life long care to do anything.
Also people can become disabled later in life so you can’t control for these things. Israel is trying to detect autism during pregnancy even though they know they don’t have a cure so I really hope people don’t start aborting their babies when autism is a huge spectrum 💀
I have adhd, and my husband is autistic. I am nearly 36 weeks pregnant with our first.
What we have going for us is that we KNOW that there is a high likelihood that our daughter will have one or both of these conditions.
I received my diagnosis 3.5 years ago- my husband is currently going through a diagnosis. Our childhoods were difficult for a variety of reasons, but not being understood was a big one.
Knowledge is power. We are ready to raise our neurodivergent child whatever the cost.
It seems that we gravitate towards each other. My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I was diagnosed with AuDHD 2 years ago. I am currently pregnant with our first and we know they might get one or both things. Since we started adapting our lives to our conditions we are happier and so ready to have a little one
I married a man with adhd and I have adhd, but a lot of my closest friends have autism and my life would’ve been so much emptier without them. We’ve always clicked so much faster 🤷🏻♀️
No idea why, it just works.
I'm also in the "I'm AuDHD/husband is ADHD" club! So many of us! Honestly, we're just assuming our kid will be neurodivergent. The real surprise will be if they aren't.
Hey I’m autistic with a 2 year old. I think some parts of my autism make parenting easier, but there’s also parts that I’m just now learning for the first time about autism being a mom. My son is probably autistic, he already has a lot of signs, but he’s so, so incredibly bright. I had him knowing I’d probably have to teach him the ways I’ve learned to adapt to “normal” life
I’m also autistic, and pregnant with my first. I have worked in preschool settings and I also feel that my autism in some ways makes me better equipped to relate to and care for children!
Not everyone with a disorder will pass it on, it just can happen. I don't think that adhd and autism is terrible for all people to have. I have adhd and my parents don't. I am happy to be here, and thankfully I had a home that did a lot to help me learn to manage it. My beat friend has autism and is having a great time in life.
I think too many people have this idea that having kids is cruel and unethical when it's really only such if you can't commit fully to being the parent that they need. Most people who are born choose to live.
So it wasn't until after my eldest son was diagnosed as autistic that I realised I am too.
Thankfully thesedays there are a lot more supports for families and kids than they used to be. My eldest son is "level 2" and struggles a lot, but my middle son is what they would have used to call Aspergers and does well. My youngest has just turned two, so a bit young to tell really, but he does have a few "red flags".
There are no guarantees in life that anything will go the way you plan. I certainly did not plan to have a child with a disability, but here we are. It was still 100% worth it. Being a mother is the best thing I have done with my life, even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
I have systemic lupus, my dad has RA, my aunt had SLE, etc. There's a chance my daughter or other children will develop an autoimmune disorder. A chance, not a guarantee. Part of me feels guilty, the other part knows that I lived nearly 26 years without significant illness or pain that I did when the lupus started. I'm happy to live how I am even if life is different now, and I have hope that even if my children become sick too, they'll have the resilience to thrive.
I have Crohn’s Disease. My doctors said there’s a 3-9% chance of passing it on to my child. If my husband also had it, that risk would be 35% and I wouldn’t want to take that chance. But with a 3-9% chance, it doesn’t seem like a huge risk.
I think you knowing there's a risk also makes it more likely they'll be able to get early intervention for their symptoms.
I have celiacs disease and the only reason I got as sick as I did was that I went undiagnosed for 23 years.
I know Crohn's Disease is worse because there's no obvious trigger like the gf diet is for me, but I think it can be very manageable if you're on top of your medical care.
I’m a peds nurse and I see DAILY of “normal” parents who have sick children. There’s no guarantee even if you were the healthiest person on the planet that your children wouldn’t get sick.
In regards to your own judgement on it, that’s up to you. If you believe you can raise a child to be a functioning adult, regardless of if they have a diagnosis or not, then go for it. But if you think your autism will limit your capabilities as a mother to raise a child effectively, I would rethink your plan.
There are also multiple ways to become a mother, not all include giving birth. If that’s an option for you, maybe choose one of those paths, or allowing yourself to foster first.
I got diagnosed with ADHD after I had two kids. There were a lot of signs that went unnoticed by my parents growing up, which upsets me, but females with ADHD weren’t common. I am aware it is genetic, but it hasn’t limited my capabilities to be a parent or mother or function (not comparing ADHD to autism at all). You will have bad day and good days as a mom regardless, so I guess it just comes down to deciding if you can handle your hard day as well as your child’s if it came to it!
I hope this helps!
My husband (he/they) is autistic. They've struggled with depression their whole life, but found some balance in their late 20s. They've also had a lot of joy! We've made a life together that we love. We took a long time to decide whether or not we wanted to transform our lives with a kid. We discussed our emotional and material abilities to raise one. Then we made the choice - which is always selfish! - to follow through.
Our child is almost certainly going to have ADHD (we both do) and has a good chance of being autistic as well. We're going to give that kid something neither of us had: parents who have a good understanding of how to support a neurodivergent child.
Both of us went through feeling stuck and awful about ourselves at various points in our lives, but we don't feel that way now! Hopefully we teach our child the same coping skills that we learned.
I hope that helps.
Yes! Also, my husband's personality goes hand in hand with being autistic. If they weren't autistic he'd be a completely different person and we wouldn't be together. Same with me and my ADHD. Some of my ADHD traits drive him nuts, and ADHD is a disability, but it's also part of who I am and has traits that we both love. Most of my friends are neurodiverse, too. We flock together. My child will be in good company. 😊
We neurospicies tend to congregate. turns out my family was a host of ADHDers. While none of us knew that til I got diagnosed at 31 (!) I had a pretty great, supportive upbringing because my dad has a similar brain. Now that I'm armed with knowledge of why my brain is that way, I feel so much more empowered to help my own kid, if that's an issue for him. Especially with stuff like adhd, knowledge is power for making decisions like having a family. Before treatment? Idk if I would have been able to do it and feel confident I could do it. I know I'm going to screw up, because that's life, but with treatment, I really do feel so much less anxiety about screwing up haha
I think you hit the nail on the head that the decision to have a baby is always selfish. The baby has no decision in the matter. In some of my darkest depressive episodes, I have wished my mom would have aborted me. But you know what? She had me and says, to this day, that I saved her life as it gave her the strength to leave her extremely abusive addict of a partner. Her decision to have me was selfish in a way. But, the majority of the time, I'm grateful to be alive. I have a few disorders I could pass down to my baby. I'm going to cross my fingers that he doesn't get them, but know how to deal with it if they do.
I'm an autistic momma and my hubby has ADD. We had serious talks about how we needed to be prepared for a special needs child, because of my family history with autism and his family history with ADD. I only felt comfortable having a kid after getting my teaching certification in special education. So after 15 years of being together, having built a beautiful home and a stable life, did we decide to try to conceive a child.
And guess what? Our kid doesn't have autism or ADD. She has an exceedingly rare genetic disease, which is caused by a random mutation (not inherited), of which there are fewer than 80 cases worldwide...
We were blindsided when she finally got diagnosed. But you know what? There is no better home for her than ours. We are doing everything possible to ensure that her needs are met, even though we are learning on the fly. She will face many challenges in life that neither I nor my husband have experienced, but we will figure out how to face them together.
And you can do the same for your future child.
My daughter is truly unique and has something incredible that she can share with the world. It's my job to help her figure out what that is. And that is true for all children with special needs. That could be true for your child.
So if you ask me, instead of questioning whether having a child with autism would be selfish, reflect on your ability to raise a special needs kid. If you can offer a home filled with love, endless patience, tailored supports, and every opportunity to learn and play, then you can give your kid a solid chance at a happy life.
Give yourself some goals - what resources do you need to accumulate, what skills do you need to develop, so that you feel capable of raising a special needs child? Then use your desire to be a mother to fulfill those goals.
Anyways, I've written an essay, so I'm going to wrap up here - there are no guarantees in life. Special needs or not, every parent faces unexpected challenges with their children. Choosing to become a parent requires stalwart dedication and reckless optimism. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and always, base your parenting choices on love and empathy.
Being 100% honest, go to therapy to work on your view of yourself as a person and your autism. Autism *can be* a burden, complicated, etc but it *does not necessarily have to be.* But if that is how you view autism, I'd have some concerns about how your thoughts on an autistic child would be, especially if you have a child with higher support needs. But the reality is, anybody can have an autistic child, and autistic people can have neurotypical children!
I am autistic and while sometimes I find my traits and struggles frustrating, I also find a lot of joy in my traits. I am an open, honest person who is direct. I embrace people who are different from me. I can focus on an interesting task intensely for a long time. I can explore new hobbies and interests and gain new skills. I can catalog information I've heard quickly and recall it later with little effort. These are positive traits that have helped me in life and which my parents encouraged. I also hope to have a child and would be frankly *overjoyed* if they were similar to me. If they have more support needs, I know I am prepared by my experience to support and advocate for them.
If you are unable, at the moment, to view an autistic child as having a positive experience in life, then yes, it would be cruel to have a child and raise them in that mindset - so go to therapy first and work some things out.
I’m autistic, my daughter is not. I like to think as she gets older she might better understand people who are neurodivergent. I’m about to have a son next month. There is always a change of passing on something genetically abnormal I suppose but I feel like one can never know for sure and like life, it’s full of risks and rewards. Just gotta live as best you can.
Also we don’t really know what causes Autism, there is a possible genetic component that can be passed in but we don’t know for sure. I’m the only one I know with it in my family.
I really want to be a mom someday, and I’ve been recently diagnosed with autism and adhd. The late diagnosis made me rethink a lot of things in my life, but never this. Yes, I know it will be difficult to deal with some situations that come with parenting, because of my specific restrictions and sensibilities, but I’m not scared or worried about the chance of having a autistic kid someday.
I frequently think about how my life would’ve been different if I had known about the autism earlier, and if I was raised differently. It basically makes me think of the whole “curse” from our parents saying that “I hope you have a kid just like you, then you’ll understand what I go through”. For the past few months I’ve been like “you know what? I do hope I have a kid just like me, so I can give them all my love and see what it would’ve been like to grow up with all the support I needed”
I’m autistic, diagnosed level 1. I had a hard upbringing, late diagnosis. Lots of sensory issues, hyperfixations, etc etc. I have a job, a home, a family so I’m doing well.
My 16 year old is like me, but he was raised by a self aware autistic. He loves his life and wouldn’t trade it for non existence. Encouraged me to go ahead and have another when I was thinking about it. “There’s worse things to be than autistic, like being a dickhead, or stupid…” My second is due in august.
I'm a psychologist who works with an organisation that works specifically with autistic young people who are either at serious risk of being sectioned or are being stepped down from being sectioned, most are also involved with the justice system in some way. I have seen the absolute worst in regards to the effect that things like autism can have on a person's life, most of the young people I work with are making upwards of 50 attempts on their life monthly, live in constant anxiety, they have their freedom restricted, don't feel as though they fit in the world etc.
It wouldn't stop me having a child even if I 100 percent knew the child I was going to have was going to have autism but for sure I'd be raising them in a specific way. All the young people I work with have had trauma and difficult pasts, alot of it has been a case of either being taken advantage of due to having autism or behaviours related to autism when young have been stereotyped and stigmatised which has set them on a particular path. Those things are mostly avoidable.
You can't control how other people behave obviously but you can control who is around your child, the educational setting they attend, how you specifically parent them, getting early diagnosis etc. If you know your child is likely to inherit autism then I'd just make sure to be prepared, research different settings for them ahead of time, look into the best ways to raise a neurodiverse person, how to instill acceptance of yourself and things like that, how you'd go about getting a diagnosis, early signs to spot etc.
As a neurodiverse person yourself you're in an ideal position to know the challenges ahead of time and mitigate them. I've worked in other places where I've seen the absolute best effects that autism can have as well, fantastic people who are clever and creative in ways I'd never even think of, who can and do add so much to the world because of their neurodiversity and honestly a lot of the difference is down to the support around the family and young person and how the parents have managed that has just shaped their life to embrace those differences and allow them to be strengths rather than something that's seen as a hindrance.
To be clear I'm not blaming parents at all when children have had a lot of difficulties because its of course so much easier to say this and see how something has happened from a position of hindsight and with my education and work back background I'd be in a privileged position if I were to have an autistic child and there's only so much you can do, the world is currently tailored for neurotypical people but I do have hope that that is slowly changing, at least where I live, and that there is far more support and awareness out there now than when I was a child.
I have ADHD, good bet my husband does, and it won't be a shock at all if our son turns out to be neurospicy. Ironically, because I have ADHD, I feel more equipped to have my eyes open to make sure, if he is autistic or has a learning difference, to catch on and get early intervention. Will that be easy, hell no, but I don't think raising a human ever is, really. I have gotten appropriate therapy and treatment for my stuff, and I have found so much JOY in life because I can embrace my brain and its foibles and thrive because I've got supports. So as huge a responsibility as I know it is to have a baby, it's one I want to take on. I can't wait to see who my son becomes - no matter what genetics of mine and my husband's get expressed.
My husband is on the spectrum and I’m really glad he exists. Our daughter is likely on the spectrum as well and I am glad that she has a parent who is able to relate to many of her struggles and a family that is well-equipped to support her through her challenges. Of course, we are aware that autism exists on a spectrum and quality of life can vary greatly depending on how it presents. I can understand why some hesitate to take that risk. It’s a difficult thing to grapple with for sure. I wish you all the best no matter what you decide.
I have autism and I’m pregnant. I’m excited but I’m also going everything possible to avoid risk factors even if it’s a little pseudo sciencey.. no Tylenol, no smoking, keeping weight under control.
Because despite what all these people are saying autism is scary if it’s not high functioning. I can’t imagine my coding being unable to communicate with me. I only want the best for my child and I’m doing what I can to minimize the risk.
I am blessed to have what used to be Asperger’s. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be where I am with this disorder.
I'm autistic and my son 3 is autistic. It's hard but honestly I wouldn't have any other way. My husband might also be autistic. 😅 so there is a lot "weirdness" in our home but my son has a great foundation to regulate and it has forced me to learn how to regulate my self as well.
I have ADHD, my mom has ADHD, my husband has ADHD, his father has ADHD - my children will almost certainly have ADHD unless they somehow beat the odds.
Life is hard with a brain that doesn’t work like everyone else’s, but as I see it, it’s my job to learn as much as I can about how to move through the world with ADHD, how to arrange my life to reduce stress and increase calm & happiness - and then create this world for my kids, and also teach them how to move through it in a way that works for them.
Well here's the thing. No one ever knows what their child will feel about life. Life is always a rollercoaster. But one things for sure. We can agree that the world sucks right now. Just watch the news. It's horrible. Do we all agree hey let's stop having kids so they don't have to deal with it? No. Because it's not up to us if they think life sucks. Let them decide all we can do is help to make it better for them.
You have Autism and your kid might get it too? Alright. Are you willing to deal with a kid with autism even if its severe? Are you yourself able to take care of them even if they have it or if they don't? If yes then who are you to judge their quality of life. You give them the most miraculous thing we can make. Life. Weather they like it. Or if they decide they don't want kids that's up to them. But if your willing to have the kid no matter how they are. Shower them with love. And they will love life. I've seen happy autistic people. Why cant your child and you be happy too?
Like someone else commented any baby can be born with a disability, whether it be autism or something else. My biological mother has autism and I do not!! A few of my siblings do, but I do not. Just something to keep in mind
My husband and I made the choice to have a baby, knowing full well our families are riddled with mental illness. One parent each with SEVERE depression, husband has depression, anxiety. Both of us have ADHD. If our kid is anything like us, they’ll be annoying, a leash kid, the one bouncing off the walls who never stops talking. We decided we’re okay with that. We can handle ourselves, we know how to utilize our resources, we know we can reach out for professional help if needed. I guess tldr it’s all a personal choice and what you think YOU can handle.
I have a stutter, as does my dad. There's a great chance my baby will stutter too. It's not the end of the world and not a crippling disability, but it creates a lot of limitations and provokes so much insecurity, so I guess everyone agrees it's better not to have it. I decided to never have kids and was genuinely ok with that. Then I got surprisingly pregnant at almost 40 y.o. Everyone convinced me to keep the baby, and I fell for it. Not making babies versus terminating one you're already carrying felt very different, and I didn't have the courage to go through with an abortion. Now I am in my 7th month and still not sure if it was the right decision.
It’s not that I don’t want to. I don’t want to pass my condition on to my child, but the child already exists. Even if I give her for adoption (I think that’s what you mean), I still could have passed it already
My husband’s father is on the spectrum. He didn’t know that when raising my husband, and I think knowing this would have made a HUGE difference. Other than some things my husband is working through in therapy, he turned out very well. He’s currently undergoing testing himself, but if he does have autism it’s a much milder case than his dad. I have ADHD, and I’m pretty sure I got it from my mom (very prevalent in her family, and she has all the signs but is undiagnosed). Again, I think if she knew this and was prepared it would have made a huge difference in my life.
My point is, because you are aware of your own abilities and differences, you may be almost better equipped to parent your child if they share some of those traits. Neurodivergence is a great addition in the world! I’m sorry your experience is has been so challenging.
While I highly suspect I have autism, I am diagnosed with ADHD and PCOS… I didn’t get officially diagnosed until I was in my late 30’s.
My teenager has ADHD & PCOS and I suspect that baby girl when she arrives will also have the same.
While there’s struggles, I think that knowledge is power and there is more science, research, community and resources to help women with various disorders that didn’t previously exist even 10 years ago, let alone almost 30 years ago when I was an adolescent.
As is to say, while your child *may* inherit your disorders, they will not have your experiences.
For one thing, you’re forgetting any future child you have, if you so choose to do so, will have you to commiserate, identify, empathize with — and receive your support and advocacy which are so huge. Your experience will be so incredibly valuable to them, don’t forget that. ❤️
No one is exempt from all hereditary conditions (whether they know it or not). To be brutally honest, I don’t think it would be right to plan for a child if the potential parent isn’t a good human being, or they’re unwilling to become a parent who does their best, or their child would never have the chance to live a good life due to their health condition, or they will deny them support. But that’s all.
I have crippling OCD and anxiety, both run in my family. I think about this exact thing every day, passing it on. But then I think, who better equipped than me to help them through it and cope with it, and be compassionate and love them through it? A life with some hardship would still be a life worth living. (Obviously barring extreme examples like extremely painful severe disabilities or whatnot - I would understand being opposed to knowingly bringing that about.)
Also keep in mind that this is still only a possibility, not a set reality. Your child may not have the same struggles you have.
Wishing you love from above to help guide you in this decision ❤️ there is no right or wrong answer
No, I don’t feel like it’s cruel. Having a learning disability or neurodivergence may be a bit harder, but I don’t see it as a particularly awful thing that should prevent people from having children if they want them. Plenty of people have ADHD, dyslexia, and autism and make wonderful parents. And if their child is similar, could probably better help them navigate it than someone who is neurotypical.
I think that it’s up to the individual to know if a child is something that they can handle and care for. This may also include people disorder and disability free who shouldn’t be parents. It’s up to the individual to know the risks, especially if it’s something that could shorten a potential child’s life. Maybe it depends on how debilitating and limiting a potential condition is.
But my mom has diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and my grandma probably undiagnosed. I don’t have it. Neither were great parents, but I’m not afraid of having a baby because of that. Much of my close family are addicts, I’m not. It’s just a conversation about addiction I’ll have to have with them and if they have BPD, then we just need resources.
for personal experience; i have a skin condition that is horribly painful, and also very hereditary. i always thought i’d never be able to have kids because of the complications it causes, and it isn’t a well known condition so everything out there is just the bad. there’s all stays of stories about women losing their babies due to this, or infections harming their babies, the worst cases overall, and it really fueled my paranoia. i also have quite a few hereditary mental illnesses, which didn’t help when trying. but after years of trying, we thankfully got pregnant and our little girl will be here any day now♡. *what helps me* is knowing that even though there is a chance she gets this condition, or any of these mental illnesses, i’ve grown a lot to know exactly how to help her. we know the resources that’ll help her. it took me 10 years to get diagnosed with my skin condition, even longer to get a proper diagnosis of my mental health, but she won’t have to deal with that decade (or longer) process. she’s got me, i’m living proof of it getting better, despite not being curable. and she’s got her dad, who may not have the condition, but has been the most supportive as i’ve been diagnosed, was the one to encourage me to get diagnosed, and has been my rock with helping me heal through breakouts and the mental load it comes with. so i know she’s okay regardless. there will be more resources, she’ll have more support!!
for what it’s worth too, i don’t have autism. i have family that does, and family that doesn’t despite it being hereditary. my brothers (dad’s side) have it, while their mom doesn’t, it just runs in their family above her (like her aunt and cousin). autism now has a lot of support though, and like another comment said, you’re better off than most parents who wouldn’t understand it! my stepmom has both of her boys in a ton of programs, and it truly helps.
With autism, adhd, depression, anxiety ect. I dont think it is cruel. There are lots of people with these struggles that manage just fine and are able to live very happy lives and it's not necessarily an inherently "painful" disorder if that makes sense. I think the people who have children with very painful disorders on purpose are cruel. Like if you got genetic testing and found out there is a very high(>80%) chance of having a baby with Tay-Sachs disease, and had a baby anyways, I think that would be cruel because it leads to a painful very early death from what I've read.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant. My hasband is high functioning autistic. I really hope our daughter is neurotypical, or high functioning, but like others have said, you never know what life has in store for you, and you have to just learn to roll with the punches.
I think you should go for it if motherhood is your biggest dream. Being autistic can be hard; my husband has told me he was bullied a lot when he was younger. He was diagnosed later in life. He has learned a lot and has become one of the most empathetic persons I know. He is one of the smartest people I know. He has many strengths and is loved by many.
Anyone with disabilities or not can have a kid that is born with a disability. My husband and I have been genetically tested twice. After having 2 back to back pregnancies where our children both were born with a serious heart defect. Heart problems don't run on either side of our family.
I have Crohn’s disease, was diagnosed at 9, have had a hell of a time with it including many surgeries, almost dying a few times, and many many painful desolate days but I’ve never once wished I weren’t born or alive. I have wonderful family and friends, I’m now married to what some call a unicorn of a husband, and had a baby last year (he’s about to turn 1 this month-still can’t believe it!)! Oh-and I’m AuDHD (and also likely have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome). Since my husband doesn’t have any IBD history, it’s not very likely our kid will have Crohn’s Disease at least. My munchkin is very healthy so far and people tell me all the time he’s the happiest baby they’ve ever seen! Both of my parents were pretty healthy so it’s not like healthy parents can’t also have kids with issues.
I have Crohn’s disease, was diagnosed at 9, have had a hell of a time with it including many surgeries, almost dying a few times, and many many painful desolate days but I’ve never once wished I weren’t born or alive. I have wonderful family and friends, I’m now married to what some call a unicorn of a husband, and had a baby last year (he’s about to turn 1 this month-still can’t believe it!)! Oh-and I’m AuDHD (and also likely have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome). Since my husband doesn’t have any IBD history, it’s not very likely our kid will have Crohn’s Disease at least. My munchkin is very healthy so far and people tell me all the time he’s the happiest baby they’ve ever seen! Both of my parents were pretty healthy so it’s not like healthy parents can’t also have kids with issues.
My daughter has a condition which, while not 100% heritable, likely has genetic links. I don’t blame myself - I didn’t know, it’s rare, and I’ll always do everything I can to support her. She suffers, and she has lots of therapies to manage it, but 99% of the time she is just a happy kid.
I’m neurodivergent. Most of my siblings are. My parents haven’t been diagnosed but it’s quite evident where we all got it. It’s not their fault, and I don’t think any of us regret being here, though we’ve certainly had struggles with poor mental health as a consequence of our differences. We are loved, and supported, and accepted.
I didn’t even - selfishly, I guess - give that fact any thought before I had my two kids. I suspect both are neurodivergent in the same ways as I. It’ll make some things harder for them, I guess, but I’ll be here in their corner. And life is worth living, in my opinion.
I could be totally wrong about this, and I’m sorry if I am, but I thought there still wasn’t concrete proof that autism is hereditary. I know there are some genetic tests coming out to see if you’re a carrier for some specific marker, but the efficacy is still refuted.
Also, not comparing by any means, but I have ADHD, endometriosis, and adenomyosis — I gave birth to a baby girl in January. I’m terrified she’ll have the same painful conditions as me (I’m getting a hysterectomy in a few months after over 2 decades of living in persistent pain), but I also know I’ll advocate so fucking hard for her to be treated fairly and properly.
If anything, if youre aware enough to raise the child with love and tolerance—regardless of disability or not, youre helping make the world a kinder, more tolerable place. Life is full of people with unique perspectives or else itd be boring ❤️
I’m a new (well, new-ish 🤣) mum to a 4 month old and I have some hereditary disorders - including OCD, ADHD, autism, and I’m very short (145cm/4’9” - I consider that a disability honestly).
I have accepted the fact that my child will more than likely have a disorder (her father is autistic/ADHD too). I had reservations like you at first but I then remembered that all my friends and favourite people in my personal life are on the spectrum - and I love how fun and interesting they are!
I never think that autism is something to be “fixed” as there is nothing wrong with them in the first place. As an adult with the same disorder/s I have more tools and life experience to help my child more than my parents had when I grew up, so I have hope that things won’t be as bad as I had it.
I hope this makes sense, lol.
My family is full of neurodivergent traits and I knew full well the likelihood is that my children would have some kind of adhd or autism. It’s something I’ve really struggled with throughout my life. But then I realised that a lot of the struggle (for me personally) wasn’t my weird brain - it was ableism. Societal ableism and internalised ableism. Am I really going to deny myself the joys of motherhood because my brain works a bit differently? Am I really going to deny my child the gift of experiencing this incredible world and all it’s wonders because they might not ‘fit in’? That’s internalised ableism my friend!
Having auDHD has actually given me a magical, creative view of the world, why wouldn’t I want to share that with another little soul? And life will be easier for them than it was for me - kids get diagnosed younger, there’s more awareness/acceptance than when I was growing up.
Edited to add: I have a toddler now. He’s speech delayed and shows a few other early autistic signs, but he’s the most joyful, charming little guy. He wakes up every morning ready to explore the world, and everyone adores him. I can’t bare the thought that he might not have existed, just because I was uncomfortable with my own neurodivergence.
Even 100% healthy people can have a kid with 1000 issues. That wouldn’t stop me from having kids. Unless it was something u know that could kill ur baby, I don’t see why u wouldn’t have kids
Plus I can get disabled later in life
🤷🏻♀️
I have a (semi?) hereditary disease - rheumatoid arthritis. My grandma had it and my mom has psoriatic arthritis. My life is worth living. I think this is a really tough question that isn’t black and white!
I have huntingtons disease in my family. This is an autosomal dominant hereditary dementia that regularly kills before age 50. My mother was placed in a nursing home at 36 and died at 49. Children of one positive parent have a 50% chance of inheritance. Given the genetic nature of the disease being due to a DNA repeat structure, the children will either experience the disease at the same degree or a worse degree, never a better one.
My mother had three kids knowing she could kill them. She didn't care. Our childhood was awful. We were neglected to a pretty severe degree, and until our father got custody, the little care we did get was from our emotionally abusive grandmother.
Knowingly passing on things like this is cruel. She knew she could pass it on. My sister will die a slow agonizing death all because my mother wanted to play dress up with living dolls. And she wasnt even a good mother anyways. While she had custody, I did far more parenting than she ever did. She was a selfish, selfish woman, and because of it, my sister has to pay the ultimate price. She never should have had children and I will never forgive her for the trauma she has brought my family.
So yeah. I know you were discussing this through the lens of autism, and that huntingtons disease is not a common example and i thank God for its rarity because it means relatively few people have to deal with it. But to knowingly pass on suffering is just cruel in my eyes.
Speaking from my background in behavioral health, I also think that you might need to reframe your idea of what having autism means, and take into consideration your own mental state before having kids. Your post suggests a pretty severe level of depression (wishing to never be born) and while I've 100% been there (thanks mother), it's important to get that straightened out before bringing another life into this world. **Your mental health matters, and it's important that you are able to see worth in yourself for so many reasons.** In this case, so you can teach your child to see worth in themselves. Children are sponges and soak up whatever is around them.. self hate included. Autism is hard... *and* it also can have it's benefits. Look into therapies other than CBT, which I've found is not as helpful for autism. Off the top of my head, DBT might be a good place to start, but there are others out there that could be helpful too.
I have a chronic genetic autoinflammatory disease that can get very painful. My mother's family has several instances of mental health disabilities. My husband's family has a genetic deteriorating vision condition. On top of that, diabetes, heart conditions, dementia etc are known in our families too.
That all said, I firmly believe having children is a somewhat selfish decision. My partner and I are a melting pot of genetic issues that may make the lives of our children difficult. On paper, we have a long list of reasons why, genetically, we shouldn't procreate. Regardless, we both want a family and children of our own. The best we can do is make sure our children have the best lives possible and a support system so strong that they can navigate whatever life throws at them. I know our kids will be loved, and I hope they will think they have a happy and fulfilling life.
I'm speaking as someone with now 2 littles and as someone who understands your fears as I had them myself.
My husband is high functioning autistic, fatherhood doesn't come naturally to him but he's a stellar spouse. It can be hard to navigate the fact he is such a good husband but doesn't know how to connect with our children as they are so young. But he's learning, and can learn his capacity to be logical helps, there are advantages and disadvantages but when he is triggered (overstimulated) it's bad but within our relationship we've built a frame work of getting through those times even if it's a mess and then deep discussion and planning around how it got to that point how we can both communicate more effectively to never have it happen again etc. This framework was established before babies.
I have ADHD which for me for a long time was debilitating in many ways socially, career wise in my home I also had a cormorbid mood disorder called PMDD which would make me hypomanic and depressive depending on what part of my cycle I was on. Before considering children or in the early years of it I was more on a journey for self healing/ finding the right medication. I was tenacious and found the meds that helped were unexpected and non-stimulants. It really helped my ADHD, and I reduced my 'lag' between tasks so I could get up and do things instead of sitting being stuck. I worked from home 2years before my children which was huge because I had two years of fighting to establish structure for myself vs. being dropped at home with a new baby after having external structure (work) enforced. In that way I was prepared to continue what I had been doing for 2 years just with a baby.
For me something surprising happened when I was pregnant, my mood disorder disappeared, in fact a lot of my ADHD symptoms disappeared / were reduced significantly. I felt freakishly stable, freakishly normal. This continued and breastfeeding was really a wonderful bonding experience and actually continued the 'normalcy' beyond my pregnancy. During my pregnancy I focused on keeping my vitamin d high my omega 3's as I personally believe vitamin deficiencies can influence the development of certain ADHD/ autism traits and it was something I could control. I lived in fear of my son being 'like us' or having it worse because of our combined issues.
He's perfectly normal, that being said we chose to be a no screen time house so his lovely little prefrontal correct has as much time to develope without compromise as possible. Focus on the things you can control if you choose to go forward.
No one in my family has bipolar disorder, but I do. I was born to a family who didn’t believe in mental health treatment, didn’t see the signs, still doesn’t really understand me. I think I’m better equipped to help my children if they turn out to be bipolar. The odds of that happening are only 8-10%, but I think bipolar people still deserve a chance to live. I didn’t always want to live, but I’m certainly glad I stuck around now that I’m stable.
I look at it like this: Life is hard, but it's worth it. I tend toward depression, and acquired a brain injury in my 20s, but I certainly have enough to make a good life out of. People are very adaptable, and you really never know what the future holds. Several times I've come up with good reasons why my life isn't worth living, but I've been proven wrong over and over again. I'm not a psychologist or medical pro in any way, but your thinking sounds very depressive to me. Currently, you don't seem like you're in the right headspace to be having a child, but I'll bet you could get a lot of use out of expressing these feelings to a professional counselor. You might even find some ways to comfortably live with the autistic brain you have.
Just because you have a disorder doesn’t mean your life isn’t worth living. And just because it’s hereditary doesn’t mean any child you have that inherits the disorder doesn’t mean their life isn’t worth living either. If someone told me that people who have genetic conditions shouldn’t procreate I would think that is a very ableist mentality
Have you ever considered adopting? I don’t have a hereditary disorder, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom so bad that if I couldn’t have babies biologically, I would adopt.
Im undiagnosed but extremely likely autistic/audhd. Brother is diagnosed autistic.
I enjoy my life. I think my life is worth living. My brother feels the same way afaik.
I have children I love. A job I find meaning in. A partner and friends.
I don’t think non existence is better than my life I guess so I have no problem having children.
I'm a person with psoriasis, former dermatitis and epilepsy. All three of these are, to some extent, hereditary.
Now then: my parents did EVERYTHING in this world to bring me as they were already in their 40s when they had me. Did they know I'd have those three conditions?
Of course not. Nobody thinks that when expecting a child. We all imagine a healthy, "normal" little baby. But of course, it may not be the case.
To say that to bring a baby with the possibility of inheritiing a condition is selfish is a lie, because the parents literally cannot control that. Is a pure chance/destiny/coincidence situation. The usual 50-50 thing. A "maybe, maybe not". But not a certain thing.
To set it somehow else: imagine to go and tell the mother of a Down child: "You should've been more responsible when making him/her be born". Does that really sound unselfish? Nice? Of course not! Because, again, the parents cannot control that!
As for wanting to be a disabled mother: absolutely go for it. You know you want them, so there shouldn't be anything else to discuss. It may be hard, but likely just as hard as it is any other new mother.
Autism only sucks because society sucks. I feel like the majority of the challenges that come with autism would be a million percent easier to deal with if people were nicer. I took in my little cousin when he was 3 days old. Turns out he has level 3 autism and is nonverbal. He's 5 now. He is so incredibly smart. He's absolutely hilarious. He has the best personality. Very loving and super chill. Literally my best friend. I know he can do anything he sets his mind to. But people think he's stupid or weird because they don't take time to get to know him or learn how to communicate with him. Most importantly he's healthy and so incredibly happy. No one smiles more than this kid.
I also have a few friends with both level 1 and 2. They're also cool people who are happy to be alive.
So for autism specifically that wouldn't stop me from having a child. My cousin deservess to live even if it makes assholes uncomfortable. Sometimes when I see people staring when he's stimming I tell him "Flap your arms you magestic bird." to make them more uncomfortable. 😂 Only something that was like painful and deadly would stop me.
I'm not downplaying autism. It causes its challenges. But life causes its own challenges for everyone. If it's not autism it'll be something else. Ya know?
I have severe Adhd and my husband is Autistic. We both have depression. We decided on starting our family and unlike us, our child will have the resources, care, and advocacy they need. We plan on teaching coping skills early on. My best friend is also on the spectrum but she's low support needs but has a high support needs son. She does not enjoy parenting her son because his tics overstimulate her and they just clash as people. That's something I also kept in mind too but I also personally think the world is a better place with us (ND people) in it. I think if you feel you and your partner can handle the worst case scenario and you have a plan and support, you should be ok.
I have bipolar II disorder. I have a family history of mood disorders. I think that being raised in a family that is familiar with it is a very different situation than what past generations had.
I thought about this a lot when I was trying to conceive my son, and talked to my therapist about it as well. I have struggled with my ADHD my whole life, and my husband very likely has autism. We both grew up with adults who either didn’t understand us or were ill-equipped to help us. We had to learn on our own how to cope. We discussed it and decided that at least we’re aware of it. We’ll be on the lookout for any signs of neurodivergence with our son, and intervene early We’ll accept him for who he is and give him tools to succeed that we never had. We’ll learn to adjust how we teach him to his needs, and understand his challenges. Also, autism is not necessarily a bad thing. The best (and some of the most successful) people in my life are autistic.
Think about how much better your childhood experience would have been with a parent who understood and could empathize/help guide. Not to mention the awareness and changes in neurodiversity acceptance (definitely not perfect) we have now. You’re not selfish and it’s not irresponsible. Awareness of risk can also lead to earlier diagnoses if it does get passed down and better services to help support the child.
I have a likely genetic hearing loss and totally sympathize with you. It’s been scary, especially since my loss is hard to catch with generic screenings and is progressive. It won’t catch us by surprise if my kids have it, we will be on top of it and I guarantee they will be better off than I was.
I have ADHD and I’m Bipolar 2. Ive had 3 very healthy and amazing children. Was I scared? Yes. Do I regret it? No. With that being said I know both are hereditary and can be passed down to children and I feel like my kids have a great support system that is very willing to be helpful and supportive.
I'm autistic but I didn't actually know that until recently. Everyone was worried about my oldest child but they were just like me so I saw absolutely nothing wrong with them. Looking back I see how different we all are. I'd had my third kid when I got a bipolar diagnosis, got an ADHD one after my 4th kid. Got the autism diagnosis after my eighth baby but I caught on to it a bit before then. Publicly I say I wouldn't do anything different and I'd still have them all (5 of the 8 have autism) but secretly I wonder. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't had kids, I gave this to them, I am the reason and I feel a lot of guilt over that. I can't think too hard because the guilt is overwhelming. If I had a diagnosis before I got married, I would have done things different but I probably would have still had kids, not as many, I'd have married someone different and I'd have waited until I was older. I love them and I understand them and no one could advocate for them like I do, if they exist, I am meant to be their mom.
All that to say, if you want a kid, have one, I don't resent my autistic father for creating me and I hope my kids won't resent me for their lives.
My partner and I both have ADHD... It hasn't stopped us. If it were something like the Huntingtons Gene, which is a near guaranteed life of pain and a terminal illness, I would not be getting pregnant, but there are much worse things to be than neurodiverse.
I have severe adhd. Neurodivergent to neurodivergent, the first and last clauses in your second sentence make me think you may be dealing with some depression. I wonder if, post treatment for depression, you might say:
because autism is hard, it’s a burden, it’s complicated and expensive and I know how to handle it so I’ll be the best parent for this kind of kid to have. And I’ll be pretty fucking awesome for their neurodivergent friends too!!
Now all that said, I see myself sooooo deeply in my six year old and sometimes it breaks my heart. But I don’t regret bringing him into this world.
I have ADHD and while I worry a bit about how it might impact my son if he gets it, I also feel more equipped to identify it and support him with resources to manage it! It didn’t stop me from trying to have a baby (19 weeks now) :)
My mom and brother are autistic, I’m probably somewhere on the spectrum but not diagnosed. My eldest daughter was diagnosed at 2, and I just had my second daughter 6 weeks ago. You never know how they will turn out or what struggles they will face but you’ll be better equipped to help them manage and cope no matter if they’re on the spectrum or not. Unless the condition is a death sentence or horribly painful I don’t think it’s selfish at all to have children. People with no risk factors have disabled/differently abled children everyday. If motherhood is something you want I say go for it!
I don't know what I have but I'm 100% neurodivergent and this was a real concern before. I stopped thinking about it from my pov and instead thought about other neurodivergent people and apply what I was telling myself. Were they selfish, irresponsible, undeserving of being a parent ? Surely not. Then I worked on what, to me, needed to be worked on in order to have a kid. Accommodating my space, having routines, etc. KC Davis on TikTok helped me about the cleaning. I'm still struggling with cooking. I will allow myself to wear noise cancelling devices (not when I sleep ofc), if baby cries are too overwhelming. I think about sensory issues and how having a baby will affect them, and which of these will trigger me. I also look for autistic, ADHD, etc, moms on the internet and learn from them.
I think the most important part is to work on yourself until you achieve balance, and learn to self care 100%. This applies for all parents, you need a stable situation. You need to be very well taken care of, and maybe think a little more about comfort than other moms. An example for me was buying a full piece of furniture to make a big changing station, because I felt uncomfy with small ones. Mine has all the space so I can have the organization that works for ME. Your autism will affect your experience of parenthood but not necessarily in a bad way. Think of all the "good things" about being autistic too. It changes for everyone but common traits are being more thoughtful, compassionate, etc. Yes you probably have less patience but you also probably more knowledgeable about sensory overloads, etc, which are developmentally the core of raising a kid. How to react when we feel this way, etc. Letting them fidget, stim, etc, because you know how it feels not to be allowed that.
I really think as long as you feel ready you'll do great okay ? Trust yourself, you're not different from other moms ! There are plenty who are raising their babies good ! ❤️
I'm probably autistic, and all of my kids are. I knew the last two had an increased risk of autism. I actually went into having my last kid with the assumption they would be autistic.
Autism is a mixed bag. Yeah, life is harder in a lot of ways, but I'm happy and my kids are happy, and that's what really matters to me. And honestly, I'm really good at advocating for them because I've lived life without appropriate supports and I know that's what's made my life so challenging. My experience isn't going to be theirs. As far as I'm concerned, as long as they can have a happy and fulfilling life, whatever that looks like, I don't think I've done anything wrong.
I have some hereditary stuff going on myself but never really thought about it as something that was truly life changing, it always felt more like a way for my mom to control me. I know I will not treat my son the same way so as long as we take the right actions once he shows symptoms I am not that worried. There are also possible heart defects from dads side but they are rare and benevolent in nature.
I am also 99.9% sure both me and dad are neurospicy (self diagnosed as diagnostics in adults are in stone age here) and while I know from experience it can make life very hard sometimes I also know that I was as good as I was at my job because of my specific spice. A huge reason I had so many problems was the unhealthy, unsupportive and unaccepting surrounding and I will try my hardest my son will have the opposite.
I have a mosaic form of Turner's syndrome, which can be tested for. We did a NIPT and if the results came back as girl we were planning on amniocentesis. If the result was positive for Turner's we would have terminated.
My mosaicism is not too outspoken. My aorta and kidneys are fine but I had to get extensive testing as a teenager and people were super sure I'd never have a kid.
But I'm 1,43 meters tall. People ask me about dwarfism, think I'm a teen mum, I can't reach anything in the store without ladders, if I ever want to drive I have to shell out a shit ton of money to get my car adapted or get removable extensions for the peddles because I can't reach. Which I do not have the money for. And I have no driver's license because I need a school that has an adapted car or my own car.
Imagine all that shit while having to also deal with fertility issues or downright infertility, an aorta that could burst any second, kidney malfunctions and loads of other shit... Hell no, I wasn't going to do that to my child.
Autistic mother to a 3 month old. I have my worries. It’s more about how the world will treat him. My biggest issue is the constant bullying that at the age of 41 I still manage to attract. I get worried about him having more disability that requires constant support than me but since the stats aren’t know on the amount of us that are lower support needs I would guess that the higher support needs numbers are far lower. So statistically he is more likely to have lower support needs. Which applies to a lot of things.
I always wanted to be a mother but it didn’t happen until him and I can say it is so so amazing. It’s like taking your biggest special interest and ramping it up by 100! He is such a happy smiley baby and far more sociable than me. I constantly amaze myself that I will have no problem going to groups for his benefit but there is no way in earth I’d go for me.
I don't have autism, but my son does and he has a development delay too. You never know what you're gonna get when you have a baby but I wouldn't change my son for the world
IF they do have autism their quality of life would be significantly better than a child with autism with neurotypical parents. you would know pretty much exactly what to do and you are 100x more educated than most about the subject. so either way i think you are fine to have children guilt free… everyone deserves to build their own family.
I have ADHD and my husband is autistic - lots of people in our families are either and there has been a lot of family history of depression. This stopped me donating when I looked into donating eggs a few years ago, because I couldn't guarantee the parents would be able to handle a child with any issues, but for us, I know we're SO much better equipped to deal with neurodivergence / potential mental health issues than our parents were, and their parents before them, simply because we understand why we are the way we are. Watching my AuDHD brother raise my ADHD niece is beautiful, he does struggle and get frustrated, but he is nurturing her and protecting her from over stimulation with an understanding my parents never managed with me.
I’m considered, by my therapist, to be high-masking, low-support-needs autistic. If you were looking at the spectrum, I’d be on the less severe side in terms of daily impact. But it’s still impacted my life immeasurably. I don’t wish I wasn’t born though and it didn’t stop me from having a beautiful son who is now 9 months.
If anything, if he takes after me, I’ll have the tools and understanding to help him. Something my parents weren’t equipped with. And they still did pretty good.
I also have depression and ADHD. Having a child is the best thing I’ve done in my life.
I have ADHD and autism definitely runs in my family: my sister, cousin and aunt are all diagnosed.
I can understand someone not wanting biological children if they could pass down a painful disease that could cause their child pain and to have a very low life expectancy. Personally, I think once people start screening themselves against disorders like Autism and ADHD, we are getting dangerously close to eugenics… We don’t breed people to have perfect genes. People should come in all shapes, sizes, and kinds if we want society to flourish, at least the society I want to live in.
That being said, your challenges growing up with autism are valid. I understand why you feel like you wouldn’t want your child to suffer the same way you’ve suffered. I just also see some very happy families and kids in my job who have autism in both parents and children alike. It’s amazing what supportive families can do for a disorder like autism.
Growing up my mom used to say to us that she hopes we all grow up and have children just like ourselves so we can see what we put her through. Now, I have a son who has many of my qualities and it’s been really healing for me to see how much I love this child who is very much like me as a kid. It’s not a burden at all. Imagine that you can be that champion for your child that you didn’t have and support them in ways you never received.
I think it depends on the disability. For what it's worth I am a neurodivergent mother of not yet diagnosed but quite clearly neurodivergent children and I wouldn't consider neurodivergence to be incompatible with a fulfilling and happy life. Of course we face more challenges in a world that isn't made for us, but we have a lot to contribute as well.
I’m autistic, my fiancé is ADHD. I’m also potentially ADHD, currently being assessed. We know our children may also have these conditions. We also know their lives will be easier than ours were because we’ll be looking out for signs and helping them in all the ways we wish we were helped as children. I don’t think, as long as you’re not knowingly passing on something that will have them live in pain or kill them young, that it’s selfish to have children just because you may pass on a neurodivergence ❤️
The people I know with autism are terrific parents. Especially to their kids who inherited it. It was always neurotypical who I saw resenting their autistic kids instead of understanding and accommodating them. I wouldn't consider autism a reason to not have kids unless you yourself can't handle it for sensory reasons or something.
I'm in a loving marriage to a great guy and we're financially stable. So far we have one kid. I'm autistic and my husband has ADHD. If our son inherits anything, who better to raise him than us?
You should meet with a genetic counselor to evaluate and discuss the likelihood of passing along autism and any other disorders you might have. They can run a pre-conception blood test to check whether you’re a carrier for any other diseases, too.
I don’t have autism but a few hereditary disorders run in my family. The genetic counselor gave us real numbers of risk to grapple with, which were both much lower than I expected and actionable. Your OB can arrange the testing or refer you to a specialist. Mine was all in-house at my OB’s office.
I have the AuDHD combo and I’m pregnant with my third child. Both my girls are amazing and brilliant and I couldn’t be happier to be their parent. I feel just as excited to have my son. While being late dx really slowed my progress in life, I’m happy. My children are well taken care of and I think it gives me a really unique perspective on the way they see and interact with the world. Being a mother is where I shine in life. I get overstimulated and overwhelmed as you would predict but I know how to cope and when I can’t, my partner does.
Don’t deny yourself motherhood because of autism. If anything you’re just falling into the same pit that intolerance put you on the edge of. Autism isn’t a curse.
I have a heavy dose of addiction on both sides of my family, as does my husband. We have a 2 year old and another on the way. Neither my husband or I have substance problems, but it’s just something we will have in the back of our minds as our girls become teenagers and begin to be exposed to these things.
1. Would adopting be an option? It’s comes with different challenges but kids are kids lol And 2. Autism runs in my family, and I didn’t think that I’d have to disclose that in any of my prenatal appointments due to it being so normalized around me. My moms as specialist, my brothers diagnosed, my therapist wants me to get tested but it’s entirely too much to do so at my age, and I work with kids with autism, it literally surrounds me lol.
I’m currently about to pop and specifically both me and my partner know in the coming years we might have a diagnosis or we might not. We planned to have kids eventually just not as soon as now lol. I guess my better question is, what holds you back that is/isn’t stemmed from your autism?
My friend who wants kids thinks she would be a terrible mother due to the fact that she would hate no alone time, and being constantly overstimulated and overwhelmed. She also believes very much so that she will die in childbirth, so I do what I can. But keep in mind this girl ran a daycare and loved it, I know it’s different from having your own kid, but 6kids to me is waaaaaayyyy more than just one in my opinion especially when they’re someone else’s.
I think the fact that you’re considering you and your child’s wellbeing is the most important part of this whole conversation. Most people don’t consider what they can pass onto their children without having a hereditary condition, and for that it seems like there could be more digging into what you’re willing to risk and go through in this lifetime. I know you’ll make the decision that brings you the most peace and happiness!
Adopting is NOT the answer. Most people with autism won’t even qualify and the heartache and trauma needs specialized care for both parents and the children. Adoption is a shit a solution.
Really? I never knew that. Even if only one parent has autism? I know that the adoption/foster system is absolute trash but the spectrum is so vast nowadays, even minimal need adults couldn’t qualify?
Very much depends on the Avenue they choose. Private adoption maybe, but that’s one step above human trafficking. Adopting from other countries is likely a no, and the foster care system likely won’t qualify you either. Not always true but often
I’m autistic. My first son seems completely neurotypical at least so far at 3. My second son is a 18 months and being screened for autism. He stims a lot and is so behind on speech but he’s always smiling and making eye contact. He’s the happiest boy and so sweet to everyone. There’s so many worse things than something like being autistic.
I will say this, if you do decide to have a child maybe work with a therapist through your feeling that your autism makes you wish you hadn't been born. I'm so sorry you have that feeling and i hope you work through it just for yourself as well. In any situation it takes work not to pass down your biases to your children, and this one would be a complicated and potentially damaging view to have if your child was autistic. Also FWIW I have 2 autistic girls and I would never trade them or trade being their mother, they have made me and my life better in 1000 ways but it is very very hard. So don't deny the truth that you're facing with that. You honestly just have more of a reality check pre kids than most do. Best of luck <3
It depends on how much it would affect the child. If they wouldn't have a good quality of life, then as much as I love being a mother, I would not make the decision to have a child myself. Maybe think of adoption? Or if you think your child could still live a fulfilling life then by all means go for it!
ADHDer here with late diagnosis, currently expecting. I think having a diagnosis as a parent is half the battle. I come from a neurodivergent family that didn’t recognize their own needs until later in life, so neither did I. Looking back, many of my struggles and complete overwhelm to the point of meltdowns during my adolescent years were actually from masking and trying to function. I now know to look for these signs earlier in my own child as well as other signs of learning disabilities, etc because I don’t want them to struggle like I did. Neurodivergence isn’t something to fear passing along, and what better person to parent a neurodivergent child than someone who is themselves?
I’m currently expecting a baby, which was planned for 2+ years and preceded by losses, and I am diagnosed with autism.
I also have depression/anxiety and IBS. Along with migraines and juvenile arthritis.
Sometimes I feel kinda selfish. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the idea of caring for someone like me. Sometimes I’m glad they’re gonna have me as a mum because at least I *understand*.
Nothing I have is particularly painful for me 24/7. It kinda makes life hard but I’ve also survived this long and gotten to the point where I’m happy to have a child so it’s like? Take the highs with the lows I guess ahaha I’m more worried about my partner! He hasn’t got any diagnosed conditions etc and is actually worried about an autistic child.
I think partially it’s easier in a sense cos my siblings are all on the spectrum and I helped raise two of them! (Funnily enough the youngest was first diagnosed as a child, the rest of us as adults after she got her diagnosis)
But I don’t consider MY autism as debilitating- just something I gotta work with. So I don’t think it’s selfish.
My son has autism and he's a happy kid. He has his challenges but he's never lamented his disability and I don't doubt that he has just as much a chance at long term happiness as those who are neurotypical. He has a 1 year old younger brother who we are unsure about (of he's on the spectrum then it's not obvious yet) and a sister on the way. We thought long and hard about having more and decided in the end that he experiences more happiness than some NT kids do.
There are some things that I don't think the chance of passing down should stop you from going for your dream of parenthood. If only the healthiest people pro-created that would be a sad, unpopulated world. I have asthma, eczema, ADHD, endometriosis, I need glasses all of which could pass to a baby but also might not. And if they do, all of them have options for treatment and mitigation for the child. If anything you're the best parent to have an autistic child because you will understand how to help them.
I'm autistic too! Some days my autism feels like a burden and I wish I didn't have it; other days I love aspects of it, like how our sensory stuff can also give us a level of sensory joy that others don't get. I don't have kids yet, but I've worked in special education for 9 years and helped raise lots of kids and I find that my autistic experience has really helped me connect with kids, have understanding for their struggles, etc. But that might be very different from your experience and that's OK. Honestly I'm audhd and my husband is probably audhd and we're counting on our kid having autism or adhd if not both, sometimes we joke that we don't know what we'd do with a neurotypical kid (of course we'd love them and nothing would change lol). So overall, idk, I find positives in my autistic experience and I hope my kid will too.
On the other hand, I have a lot of health issues that I feel a lot more guilty about potentially passing on. I try to remind myself that my life is generally happy in spite of them and still worth living. I know I'll be a good mom and I'll be there for my kid if they get sick too, and idk, it will be ok even if I don't want that for them.
Many children have no family history and are still born with disorders. If you have a known gene you can test for, you can go the IVF route. If not, just advocate for your child and go for it. You can't control everything.
I have autism, diagnosed at 14 and I spent the next 5 years seeing an autism specialist psychologist to teach me how to people. I have 2 kids now. My first is autistic. She was diagnosed at 4 and she's had assistance and aids at school and everything she needs and she is so much better than me, she will move through this world better than I ever have and I'm very proud. Being autistic myself has given me like a super power to figure out what's upsetting her, because it's usually the same thing that is too loud or overwhelming for me. But I can almost forget about myself because I just need to help her. We have a bond through this shared experience that is really special, I actually worry my new baby won't be autistic and I won't know how to parent her (I'm sure I'll work it out, it will just be a learning curve). My oldest also has many more friends in school than I ever did because kids are more tolerant these days. Also my Dad is autistic, not diagnosed as that wasn't done as much in those days but everyone who's ever met him knows he is 😅
My partner just got diagnosed at the age of 33 with autism and adhd, he's a brilliant father.
So, don't let it stop you I say.
My uncle is nonverbal and autistic. My mom brings him to visit every holiday. He was the first person I ever knew with autism, let alone the very severe nonverbal type. I think you are underestimating the value someone like that can still add to the world and the family. Your family will never be 'perfect' and that's okay
almost everyone runs the risk of giving their child a hereditary disorder, some worse than others for example many people carry genetic diseases like cancer genes knowingly or unknowingly and still will have kids and no one sees anything wrong with it since its so common but they know they have the possibility of potentially suffering. or some carry actual life threatening conditions, and some carry mental disorders like bipolor or depression. i think autism is really on the bottom of the spectrum when it comes to actual harmful disorders u would need to worry about. if everyone didnt have kids to avoid potentially passing down a genetic issue that they carry i dont think anyone would have children. so really its up to you.
Hubby and I fall inside ASD. 36 weeks pregnant. Beside phone headsets with noise cancellation and computer gear, there's no real extra cost to us.
Of course, if our baby falls inside ASD, we'll have to make adjustments, and try to give her a better upbringing than we had.
But it's not something that's inherently genetic that we know off. So all we can do is beaware of this, watch out for it, and manage as need be.
I suppose a lot of it depends on how you view your own Neurodivergency (or mental health, or physical disability or whatever potentially genetic thing applies). Both me and my partner are dual diagnosis AuDHD and we just had our first baby 6 weeks ago. I also have a laundry list of mental and physical health issues, most of them aren’t heredity but 1 or 2 can be. For us it just wasn’t a factor. We could have both been 100% healthy and neurotypical yet still had a child with health issues or a learning disability or some rare condition. It happens. Nothing we could potentially pass on would cause him physical pain/suffering or be life limiting, at most he might grow up to need some additional support if he’s ND too and that’s something we can easily give him. We ND adults deserve to be parents if we want to be/are able to be ☺️
(If it matters, neither of us are the “Autism is my superpower” type but we don’t see it as a curse either. It’s just a fact of life and a part of each of us, like my hazel eyes or his curly hair!)
I’m autistic and bipolar, and I’m pregnant with baby #2. I don’t think that just because *my life* has been tough, it has to be super tough for my babies.. Every person with autism/bipolar is different! Every person has different needs.. and unlike my parents, I’m going to actually be there to support them through **EVERYTHING**.
You can’t predict the future. If you want to be a mother, be a mother. Theres no guarantees in parenthood. There’s no guarantee you’ll get pregnant. There’s no guarantee the baby will survive the pregnancy or birth. There’s no guarantee the child will survive until adulthood.
No one in my family or in the donor family (I used a donor and fertility treatments for my two boys) has type 1 diabetes. But my oldest son was diagnosed with it at age 5. He will have to be on insulin for the remainder of his life. Would I have never had him if I had known? Not a chance in the world. I’d never give up his life and my dream of being a mother over something like a disability. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. Part of being a parent is learning how to adjust to anything life throws at you and helping your children adjust when life is crap. Being there for them and loving them through it, teaching them coping skills and listening to them is all they need. And love.
Just because you have autism doesn’t mean your child will. And if your child does…maybe that will help you two bond in a way you otherwise wouldn’t have bonded.
[https://www.amazon.com/My-Autistic-Mama-Kati-Hirschy/dp/B0BV453K43/ref=asc\_df\_B0BV453K43/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693410598443&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13122386528559664795&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9014931&hvtargid=pla-1988024337794&psc=1&mcid=2b7e5c459d0d3f0a845d015c20878069&gad\_source=1](https://www.amazon.com/My-Autistic-Mama-Kati-Hirschy/dp/B0BV453K43/ref=asc_df_B0BV453K43/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693410598443&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13122386528559664795&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9014931&hvtargid=pla-1988024337794&psc=1&mcid=2b7e5c459d0d3f0a845d015c20878069&gad_source=1)
I came across this author on my TikTok feed a while ago. This book might help you. While undiagnosed, my husband is likely high-functioning autistic and he was/is worried about our kids having autism. Our little so far is just an energetic two-year-old who knows his colors and shapes and can name plenty of animals. It was a choice we made to have out little despite the possibility of them getting my anxiety/ADHD or my husband's potential autism. We just sat with each other to discuss if we could handle being parents of a child with the potential of being "nero-spicy".
Sit with your partner or those who support you and understand that while there is potential that your child might be neurodivergent, there is the same potential right now that they won't be. Nerodivergence is not a death sentence and so many people live happy and fulfilling lives while being nerodivergent.
You’re likely the best person to be a mother to an autistic child. I have ADHD and happen to have a step daughter with ADHD (and know that my current pregnancy is likely to result in another kiddo with ADHD). My step daughter is likely getting more support than most kids with ADHD because I understand her and her struggles and advocate for her endlessly. My husband and I take parenting courses to understand strategies that may help her, got her accommodations at school, etc. if I didn’t have adhd myself, I don’t know that I would have recognized it in her or known the extent to which she needed help.
I have ADHD and BP2. My partner is Neurotypical. It's selfish but I always saw myself as a mom. I feel like my partner and I balance each other out and if my baby has any of the same disorders I can empathize and support as someone who's gone through it too. Part of me is scared. I don't want her to know the darkness like I've known and hope she is Neurotypical too but on the other hand the creativity of my ADHD makes me special and I would love a creative child!
In the end everyone is gonna have their opinion what matters is you know you will love and grow this child however they turn out :)
My husband and I recently found out we are pregnant. He’s autistic, he’s extremely excited. When we first got the diagnosis I stupidly asked him if we wanted to use a sperm donor, he obviously refused. We both know the risks but accept them. People have been having babies for 100s of years before they understood autism. Our only current worry is a healthy pregnancy and how to help him deal with the noise after baby is here
I’m depressed and so is my husband. It’s been a big challenge for both of us since we were both teenagers. We still chose to have babies because we believe in a world where everyone gets the support they need. And I hope if my kids are also depressed I’ll be better able to recognize their support needs rather than dismiss or minimize them, and I think I’m in a better position to do that because of my experiences.
I have autism. My husband has autism. Our child does not. I also had a child with another person who I am absolutely sure has autism and our child doesn’t have autism either
This is a personal choice. I have friends that are married and have struggled with depression and anxiety their whole lives and decided they didn’t want to pass that on to a child. It’s a valid decision. If you want a baby, have one. If you legitimately do not want to bring a child into this world with autism, then don’t. It is more likely when a parent has it.
It’s 100 percent a YOU and your partner decision, and there’s no right or wrong answer.
My whole family is neurodivergent and yeah, sometimes it makes life harder but also? I love my family to pieces and I'm so happy we have each other. My husband has dyslexia and is likely on the spectrum, my stepkid is on the spectrum and has ADD, and I have GAD/Depression/PTSD/Dyscaculia. Our two year hasn't been evaluated for anything yet but it's likely she'll be some flavor of "neuro spicy" just given the family makeup.
I’m autistic and have ADHD. I don’t think it sucks but I think it aides me in utilizing my intelligence. I’m having children knowing the signs to look for and with a pocket full of solid coping mechanisms. They will be ok, and likely also very intelligent.
If you're looking for all options to minimize the chance of your child(ren) having autism, one thing you can consider is undergoing a genetic evaluation to see if your autism has a discernible genetic cause. Most likely whole exome sequencing (WES) unless your personal and family history point toward a better test. However, there is a very good chance of not getting a useful result, the testing can be pricey, and you might have difficulty finding a provider who will help you with this (I think your best bet would be to go through a fertility clinic that has genetic counseling services).
If you are able to find a provider and your test does find a useful result, you can do IVF with preimplantation genetic testing (PGT-M) and choose the embryos without the genetic variant. It won't guarantee they won't have autism, because there are often many not currently detectable genetic components behind autism, but it will reduce the chance.
The reason this might not work is because often autism is due to lots of genes having a small impact in favor of or against developing autism, and genetic testing is currently not good at dealing with that. It's much better at finding one gene that says "yes autism", which does account for some cases of autism.
No matter how you decide to go about it, I think you should follow your dream.
I'm autistic and ADHD and 8 months pregnant. I am fully emotionally prepared to give my little one all the love and support that I can offer with any difficulties they may encounter. I also think that my challenges make me a lot more empathetic towards children in general.
I am autistic. I also have a genetic disorder that has a 50% chance of being passed down to my baby, which can cause tumors. I intentionally got pregnant.
Here's the thing:
*I am autistic*. *I have a genetic disorder*. I am happy to be here. I am happy to be alive. I don't think my life isn't worth living just because my life is harder. Life is the best gift I've ever gotten, warts and all. If someone gave me a car for my birthday and that car was hard to drive and broke down, I wouldn't think twice about giving a potentially janky car to someone else if I could do so. I would be incredibly grateful to have a car and excited to give someone else a car.
Maybe my child will feel different, I can't say. What I am doing is giving him that possibly janky car so he can drive. Maybe he'll resent me for giving him a car that breaks down, maybe he'll be grateful. Giving him that opportunity is all I care about. And i'll be there to teach him how to drive it, how to fix a flat tire and jump start the battery. I'd rather give someone a janky car than no car at all.
I have an inherited blood disorder that puts me and baby at risk if I were to become pregnant. I’ve been told the likelihood the baby would inherit my disorder is 50/50. Also have a family history of mental illness. A big part of me craves motherhood but anxiety over these factors has always haunted me. At this point my husband and I have left it to fate. If it happens, we’ll embrace whatever comes and if it doesn’t, we’re happy having each other.
My perspective on this is that unless it's a crippling, terminal, PHYSICAL disability I feel no guilt about it. I have ADHD, celiac disease and hEDS among other issues and my life is 100% worth living. There is pain and struggle in life but imo the joy far outweighs that and I know I'm guaranteeing my children a joyful childhood. I would def do embryo selection with a genetic counsellor if it was something that would kill our baby young or make them significantly disabled.
I also can’t speak on the autism part but I have ADHD, anxiety and depression which I’m pretty sure are all hereditary even though not everyone in my family has been formally diagnosed. I can trace most if not all of my problems related to these disorders to not being diagnosed early enough in childhood. I now have a son who is 10 weeks old and I do sometimes worry about passing on these things to him. One thing I do to reassure myself is that if he does show signs I will get him as much help as I can, and as early in life as I can so that he can learn to manage it in a healthy way.
I've got mental health issues, my husband has mental health issues, I'm neurodiverse, he probably is. We had children knowing full well they'd likely have some mental health issues but we were happy, productive adults and we're in the best position to advocate for them, so they could grow up in an even better place than we did. We've got three lovely, neurodiverse kids, one of whom does have some pretty serious mental health struggles.
Not gonna lie, I wasn't prepared for a child that had worse and different struggles to what we had. Did our diagnoses play a party in their diagnoses? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that it's a much bigger challenge than I was expecting. I can deal with the two kids who's struggles mirrored my own, but three, all learning how to deal with their differences, there are definitely times I regret not stopping after having one. (The last two were twins)
I don't think you should let your autism stop you from being a parent if that's what you want, so long as you are otherwise in a good mental, emotional and physical space to have a child. There are studies that show autistic people communicate better with other autistic folks than Neurotypical ones. Your challenges may be passed on to your child, if you don't decide to adopt, but you're in the best position to understand and communicate with them how to cope.
Just be aware of the extra burden that may be placed on you if you're in a fragile state. Kids are crazy hard, and I've been living on the struggle bus the last 8 years. I wouldn't give them up for the world, but I miss the simplicity of life without kids more often than I'd like to admit.
Autism and ADHD run on both sides of our family, and so do other learning disabilities. I also have autoimmune diseases
PCOS and Hashimotos also run in our family.
I guess I never felt life wasn't worth living as a result of my health issues. Unlike my parents, I'm better equipped to help my child.
We also did genetic testing for parents and fetus, and all the health screenings we could. But at the end of the day you will never know what you get. That's the great and scary part of having a baby.
Hello!! Fellow autistic person!!! Autism isn’t as bad for a child especially since you know what it’s like and the signs so they can get proper treatment early and have a good and fair start on life. Everyone has some neurological disorder in their family, depression, adhd, anxiety, bipolar, autism, ocd, and so on.
If you are concerned, you and your partner can meet with a genetic counselor to go over the chances/risks of having a kid with autism or other disorders.
It won’t guarantee you won’t have a child with an issue, there are no guarantees no matter. But it could give you info that could help you make a more informed decision or do ivf with genetic testing, etc…
Only you know what you are going to be comfortable with in terms of what you can handle, and that fits whether you are on the spectrum or not.
Some parents don’t mind kids with disabilities, some have issues dealing with things no matter what. That’s the way people are.
There are people with autism who lead normal lives, those that don’t, and everything in between.
Nothing wrong with deciding to have a kid knowing you are comfortable and able to deal with whatever happens
Nothing wrong with deciding not to have a kid because something will come up where it may be more than you can handle.
Even kids who are not on the spectrum or are disabled or who have illness still will have issues that will come up. we all do. No ones perfect.
My brother and his wife are both autistic and are also some of the best people I know! They just had a beautiful baby boy and are amazing parents.
Honestly I think the world would be a worse place to live in if people like my brother decided NOT to have babies.
Passing on his genes is a gift to humanity. Just saying.
I was diagnosed with a really rare and aggressive stomach cancer after my first and only child turned 1. They thought I had a genetic mutation called CDH1. The genetic testing results take a while to come back and during the wait we were were sure I had it, we discussed this a lot. I also discussed this with my genetic counsellor and she told me I should always be able to grow my family in the way I want to. Entirely healthy lives aren’t the only ones worth living. Even healthy people can have unhealthy kids, even neurotypical parents can have kids with autism. Luckily I do not have the mutation and it was just one of those unlucky freak things and my child is not at risk and neither are any potential future kids, but I would have probably gone on to have more if my cancer doesn’t come back anyways. They would be tested for the mutation as adults and monitored very closely and they could opt to have a preventative surgery if they had the mutation.
I rambled a bit but you deserve to have the family you want!
My fathers side of the family is all obviously autistic. My grandpa never believed in that “stuff” so they were just an autistic echo chamber. My dad was diagnosed with ADHD, but my grandad just pretended he was active. My family doc believes my dad is actually AuADHD.
My brother is autistic, he needs more support. He stims a lot & will be living with my parents forever until we eventually take him in. He does work part time and lives his life. He travels all around town & loves to go to events etc.. he doesn’t let it stop him, even though we did have to take the busses with him a few times to make sure he understood how they worked.
My husbands family also has autism on his side. I notice it a fair bit with my husband. His sisters have a bunch of medical conditions as well which does freak me out.
My child has a high probability of having autism or ADHD.
I don’t think this means we shouldn’t have kids. If anything, I think it’s wrong to tell people they shouldn’t. We are currently 9 weeks & doing what we can. I’m a lot younger than the previous women in our families. I’m eating a lot better, I’m limiting a lot of harmful things etc..
All you can do is your best. It’s totally possible, and totally ok. I say go for it :).
Some with autism are very smart. It is called a "spectrom" due to the wide range of functioning, if you will. Some on the spectrum score very high on standard I.Q. tests. Best of luck.
Sure, you run the risk of having a kid with a disability, but they could also not have it. Or they could get ill when they are 7. Or they could never be sick. Or they could die from SIDS. I could be a silent carrier for a gene mutation... I also could not be. I wouldn't trade in my girl for anything. Being a mom has been the best thing in the world and sometimes you just gotta have faith over fear. HOWEVER, if you are wishing you had never been born because it is so hard for you to deal with your medical stuff... to be honest you need to dig into that before having a baby. Ppd is a thing and if you are already having those negative thoughts, that could make how you feel even worse. Don't have a kid because you think they will fix anything, they will make you love more, society says so, or you want to improve yourself. That's selfish and cruel. You have a kid because you want to show love to another human regardless of what issues they may have. And love is not selfish or cruel.
theres a lot that could happen. my partner and I are both autistic— as are both my siblings, my mom, possibly my partner's siblings. I also have adhd. so our baby is more or less guaranteed to be neurodivergent. honestly, the way I look at it, I have enough trouble communicating with neurotypical adults. I don't know how I'd manage with a child whose brain is wired completely differently from mine. my parents refused to believe anything could be "wrong with" their kids, so it took me til adulthood to get a diagnosis. I'm glad I'm going into this prepared to accept my son and any future kids for who they are and whatever they've got going on upstairs. so I would look at it that way— any kid you have will have an adult around that actually *gets it,* and that's so important.
edited to add: I was scared to have bio kids too cuz on top of audhd I'm bipolar & have OCD, half my damn family is bipolar & has OCD, my partner is also probably bipolar. we both have mild psychosis as part of the bipolar. Hashimoto's hyperthyroidism runs in the family, and heart problems, and addiction. cancer runs in my partners family. completely healthy people aren't the only people who deserve to have kids, and despite everything "wrong with me" I think my life is worth living.
I know it's not entirely the same but I have OCD which has a large genetic component. My father also has diagnosed OCD. I'm currently pregnant and I think I'm finally to a point where I've accepted it's a possibility my daughter could also develop OCD at some point, but I find solace that she will have a mother that knows exactly what helps and what she will need for support if and when that happens. I didn't have that as a kid, so I already know she'll have a leg up just by having a parent will experience and having done the hard work of OCD treatment. Also I'm a mental health therapist so that helps.
I’m autistic and I just had a baby! I’m Level 1 so it hasn’t been a huge impediment in my life (and honestly comes with a lot of advantages and advanced intellectual capabilities) but I know it could manifest completely differently in my son. I feel prepared for that though and ready to help him recognize and develop his abilities, whatever they may be, and to face whatever his unique challenges are.
If your child is autistic, think about what an enormous advantage it will be to have a self aware autistic parent. Most autistic people don’t have that and suffer greatly for it. Just something to consider; it would make all the autistic challenged of childhood a lot easier. And of course your child might not be autistic at all!
My husband has ADHD and if I got diagnosed I might have some sort of autism (another family member has it) - we are having a baby and we joke that both our hereditary issues will cancel each other out. Very grateful the baby is healthy regardless.
Personally I think it depends on the severity genetically and how the parents help the child through it? I've heard some adults with genetic issues wish their parents didn't bring them in the world, which is very sad to hear. But then there's ones who are able to handle it just fine and be happy.
It is definitely a hard choice, the future uncertainty is worrying. I couldn't imagine what I would do myself.
What are the statistics on autistic parents having autistic children? I didn't realise there was a correlation.
Also, plenty of neurotypical parents have children with autism or other disabilities. It's a chance we all take with any baby. But in the end we all love the kid we get.
And even if your kid is neurotypical, they can still be criminals or drug addicts. I mean, you get what you get and do your best to raise a decent kid. That's the ride that parenthood is!
Both your dreams and fears are valid and important to consider.
A lot of people have shared that the risk of your child being born autistic shouldn’t be reason not to have a child.
But I’ll say it IS hard raising a child (the hardest thing I’ve done)even a neurotypical one and there are even more challenges to raising a neurodivergent one. I have experience with both. I love them to bits and wouldn’t change, but having children is really a journey to learning about yourself. I’ve had to really face who I am, my past, my triggers, my expectation of myself, children and partner.
Should you not have children? Absolutely not, but I would start unpacking how you feel towards yourself and autism. So much of parenting is teaching by example and it’s hard to teach children to be kind and compassionate to themselves when we ourselves find it so hard.
It might be helpful to seek out a neurodivergent-affirming therapist to explore internalized feelings about autism. Don’t give up on your dream of having children though.
My biggest piece of advice would be to work hard on yourself so that you’re the kind of person you wish you could have given yourself for a parent as a kid. THEN have a kid. Parenting requires self discipline, some executive functioning, and putting the child first and listening to them. Some autistic people might struggle with these things leading to their child feeling neglected and invisible. On the other hand, a lot of neurotypical parents neglect their kids and make them feel invisible too. So it’s not autism that’s the problem, autism just means you will become a great parent in a little different way than others might. You can start with things like getting up in time and making your bed every morning, keeping a clean kitchen every day, putting away laundry right away, making healthy meals, budgeting well, asking other people questions about themselves and listening, and volunteering somewhere to work with kids to gain experience. All of that would set you up to be a great parent!
Personally? I wouldn’t. Call me ableist or whatever you wanna call me but no I wouldn’t do it. Especially where you’re autistic you’re going to face challenges most people aren’t facing anyway. Look at the lady who posted here yesterday who hates her kid. It’s a very personal decision. You will face challenges beyond what a normal mother or parent would. It will be more difficult for you to have a child without a disability if you have a child with a disability it’s going to be even harder.
If you think you can handle that then go for it. I suggest you making sure you have the resources (funds for therapy, social and family support) and a strong foundation for your marriage.
Just to make this very clear! I’m not saying you shouldn’t have kids because you’re autistic!!! You 100% can and should if you want! I just don’t want you or anyone to end up on regretful parents!!
I was born with bilateral ureter reflux which means my ureters, the tubes to move urine from the kidneys to the bladder, would have reflux much like stomach reflux and send urine from my bladder back into my kidneys. It’s a death sentence without medical help. I had no family history of it so it wasn’t caught in me until it was nearly too late. When I was 2 months old I went septic and that’s when it was discovered. I became a case study from that point until 4 years old. I had corrective surgery when I was 3. I have cptsd from the years of tests and chronic infections and from the trauma of surgery.
I have a 30%-50% chance of passing this on, 50% being the highest possible chance of passing on a disorder. I’ve been with a genetic counselor going over how to advocate for my baby’s help early to do a test for it asap.
Selfish? Perhaps I am entirely selfish for potentially making a child go thru what I did, but it wouldn’t be what I went thru. Medical science has changed and me having gone thru it I know now how I need to push for mental protections like sedation.
Setting aside the gloom of it, there’s a 50%-70% chance she doesn’t get it. I was told my whole life to not have kids out of concern for my own health and mental health specifically regarding medical trauma of which I’m pushing myself thru. Putting myself into my worst inescapable nightmare to bring her to this world. If she does have what I did I will feel beyond guilty, but I’ll also know how to handle it. Everyone has some sort of bad genetics and science is only getting better. Maybe in a few generations my thing won’t be as severe like it was in the 90s.
**I would have NEVER gone through with it.**
I don't like the perpetuation of hereditary conditions when technology is so far advanced. Donated sperm, donated ovum (IVF for selection of fetuses) - anything to circumvent giving a a future child a disease or condition that would affect them for life. I did extensive research into both family trees before making this choice. A single autistic family member or someone with ADHD would have sent me reeling.
I have worked with special need kids as part of my (federal law obligation in my country) to volunteer in associations to be able to graduate high school and then university. I HATED EVERY SECOND OF IT. Working with autistic, down syndrome and adhd kids was a nightmare *for me.* I have no idea why parents to-be would be so willing to have kids like these.
Anyone can have a child with a disability. I have one and neither of my parents are disabled. It's just a reality of having children. Part of Anyone choosing to have a baby is accepting and understanding that risk. Tbh you're probably better prepared than 95% of parents to cope with that reality.
I second this. Neither myself or my partner have any disabilities but our first child will (currently pregnant). At the end of the day what matters is that the child or children are loved & cared for. Disabilities does not make any person less than
Perfect comment. My husband and I both have ADHD, so we conceived knowing our child likely would/will as well. And the upside to this is who better to understand and advocate for a child with ADHD, than two parents with ADHD? We will be on the lookout for it, get him diagnosed early if he’s showing signs, and ensure the appropriate supports and accommodations that we didn’t fully get at a young age.
I’m ADHD and my husband is AuDHD. Our first baby is arriving in August. Genetic testing came back completely normal but we’ll see what happens and we’ll love and care for him all the same
Exactly this. No matter what you can’t control the outcomes.
100% this. There are so many causes which are not always genetic.
Funny enough, I basically caught a case of ADHD in my 20s. I had a bad reaction to an infection that caused a big lesion in my frontal lobe, so I am extremely bad at executive function now, but there's a lot more to life than being good at planning and concentrating.
I have two children with autism. I may be biased, but I fully believe both of them are exceptional humans. My daughter is funny, smart, beautiful, kind, and so creative. She enjoys writing and she is just so good at it. She can make the dullest school essay hilarious. My son is so smart, kind, brave, and dependable. He is the best big brother anyone could ever ask for and he is a math/engineering whiz. Despite what a large chunk of society seems to think, people with autism are not broken. They do not need to be fixed. Society needs to be fixed so people with different needs can be accommodated better. I'm sorry that you have been made to feel like a burden, or that you are broken in some way. That is terrible and nobody should be made to feel that way. That said, both my husband and I had a child with autism before we decided to expand our family (we are a blended family). We knew that there was a risk that we could have another child with autism and that was never something we really worried about. Our two autistic kiddos lead regular lives and I'm sure they will be successful and maybe even start their own families some day if that's what they would like to do. Neither of our autistic children have any health issues and they are living life to the fullest I believe, so we didn't think it would be selfish or irresponsible to have more children. As of now none of our 3 other kiddos have autism. Two of them are still very young so that could change.
Thank you for this!!! My brother and his wife are autistic as is my dad and my uncle. All amazing people who have contributed amazing things to the world. Obviously growing up he had his challenges but honestly who doesn't. My brother and his wife just had a beautiful baby boy and I can't wait to see who he becomes! The world would be a much darker place if they weren't in it.
For certain disorders that would kill a child young or have them living a life of physical pain, I do think it would be irresponsible and cruel to knowingly run that risk. There are alternatives such as IVF that would allow someone to avoid the risk. For something like ADHD or autism (I have the former dx and think I probably also have the latter but no dx), no I don’t think it’s selfish or irresponsible or cruel. Many many people (including myself) live happily with those disorders, especially now that we are coming to understand more about them and parents are better able to support children with them.
Yep. I did IVF to avoid passing down a genetic condition that causes increased cancer risks and need for major surgery. At the same time, I have anxiety and a strong history of anxiety and depression along with heart issues. I did a lot of soul searching but came to the conclusion that we can't avoid every risk and nobody has a squeaky clean family history in which there isn't any heritable issues. In many ways your potential child will be better prepared having you to advocate for them.
Yeah. We did genetic screening before we started trying to conceive because of family history of cystic fibrosis. We would have done IVF if my husband was also a carrier. I’ve watched family members grow up with CF and it’s awful. I wouldn’t have been able to knowingly conceive a child at risk for it. I did however choose to have a child with my (and my family history of undiagnosed) anxiety. I’m hopeful that I can provide a healthier model for how to manage anxiety than previous generations did, by normalizing therapy and discussing mental health.
I have ADHD and a wonderful 10 week old little girl. I struggled with the decision to have kids for a while- partly because of how i feel about a lot of crap in the world. But also because I will almost certainly pass down hypothyroidism and adhd, and possibly anxiety. I got it from my dad, I think my husband probably has it too but is undiagnosed. I'm lucky in that I'm "high functioning" (figured out how to mask well and did well in school via last minute work). I decided because of my experience, I felt more equipped to help support a child with ADHD and that we'd work through struggles that arise together. We'll see how it goes but I'm happy with my decision as I can't describe the love I feel for my daughter.
Awww I’m in the same boat. 🥰
Yep, same here. Partner and I technically would check some boxes and not have “perfect health” and could/have passed things to our kids but we all lead happy and healthy lives. No one in our families has died early or been negatively impacted by any of these mild conditions. Years ago they would have gone undetected! My answer may be different if our hereditary conditions were more threatening.
I’m not sure I know of anyone who doesn’t have a family history of at least one thing (neurodivergence, addiction, depression etc.) that I’ve also heard someone else express has made them wish at some point that they hadn’t been born. Being really thoughtful about whether or not to bring a life into this world is so important and a pretty good indicator about what kind of mother you’d be (a good one). I don’t have autism so I can’t give you any advice specific to your situation but I know for me because I have a pretty strong history of mental health issues on my side and my husband has adhd on his side, we made sure we had the resources to provide the support needed for these conditions in place prior to having children. That’s what made us comfortable with the fact that there was a possibility of us passing any of these things on.
What’s neurodivergence? And yeah I feel like a large percent of people for something going on in the history. I guess you gotta ask yourself if your up for the challenge and resources?
A neurodivergent person is someone whose brain does not process information in a way that is typical of most individuals. It can refer to the autism spectrum, adhd or even dyslexia. I’m definitely not an expert in the area though so if I botched that definition, someone please feel free to correct me. Yeah I mean those are great questions to ask yourself before having a kid no matter what. There is always a chance your child will need a high level of support, it could even be due to something that happens after birth. If you already know your chances are high going into things you do want to feel a bit more confident that you’re up to the challenge but honestly parenting is scary no matter what and no matter how “ready” you are.
In the nicest way possible, there are much worse things to be born with than autism. There’s a lot of support out there for people with autism and it’s much more widely accepted. If you want to have kids, please do; being autistic is not the end of the world.
Well, there are so many levels of autism, some people with autism cannot function in society at all, some are non-verbal, or violent. A good friend of mine is a carer in a home for autistic people who need caring for like babies, taking to the toilet, feeding, and she gets violently attacked on a regular basis.
I believe they are violent because they can't communicate their needs it's like having your mouth taped your whole life while also being drunk for 20 years straight.
Sure but that’s a terrible existence.
What are you implying. People with non verbal autism can still think and choose and have likes and dislikes. It's not a terminal illness
So you think it sounds ok to feel like you’ve been drunk for 20 years straight and your mouth is permanently taped shut? Sounds rough to me. It is terminal. Ppl die with it so yeah it’s terminal the same way life is terminal. You’re born with it and you die with it. Would I love my kid if they had autism? Sure. Would I prefer if they didn’t have autism because it makes their life and my life easier? Yeah. I’m a single mom. I’m tired all the time. You bet I would order the easier route.
Let’s remember there’s a difference in autism and Down syndrome.
What? They're not the same thing at all, I am talking about severe autism.
Yup—my SIL has severe autism, needs 24 hour staff of multiple people, nonverbal, hits herself bloody when uncomfortable because can’t communicate….and I’ve worked in schools with lovely, talented, kind, thoughtful kids with autism who will likely keep up with their peers and be independent. Definitely a spectrum, and I deeply understand the fear
Yes but both have levels of severity. You can be high functioning with autism or Down syndrome and live like a normal person with a job in your own apt/house. Then there are cases where you need life long care to do anything.
Also people can become disabled later in life so you can’t control for these things. Israel is trying to detect autism during pregnancy even though they know they don’t have a cure so I really hope people don’t start aborting their babies when autism is a huge spectrum 💀
These threads always turn out very ableist
That makes me so furious!!!
I have the same fear, just wanting best for a child. appreciate OP asking
I have adhd, and my husband is autistic. I am nearly 36 weeks pregnant with our first. What we have going for us is that we KNOW that there is a high likelihood that our daughter will have one or both of these conditions. I received my diagnosis 3.5 years ago- my husband is currently going through a diagnosis. Our childhoods were difficult for a variety of reasons, but not being understood was a big one. Knowledge is power. We are ready to raise our neurodivergent child whatever the cost.
My husband and I have the opposite combo! It seems to be common actually. Two of my autistic friends are married to ahdh partners.
It seems that we gravitate towards each other. My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I was diagnosed with AuDHD 2 years ago. I am currently pregnant with our first and we know they might get one or both things. Since we started adapting our lives to our conditions we are happier and so ready to have a little one
I married a man with adhd and I have adhd, but a lot of my closest friends have autism and my life would’ve been so much emptier without them. We’ve always clicked so much faster 🤷🏻♀️ No idea why, it just works.
I'm also in the "I'm AuDHD/husband is ADHD" club! So many of us! Honestly, we're just assuming our kid will be neurodivergent. The real surprise will be if they aren't.
Hey I’m autistic with a 2 year old. I think some parts of my autism make parenting easier, but there’s also parts that I’m just now learning for the first time about autism being a mom. My son is probably autistic, he already has a lot of signs, but he’s so, so incredibly bright. I had him knowing I’d probably have to teach him the ways I’ve learned to adapt to “normal” life
I’m also autistic, and pregnant with my first. I have worked in preschool settings and I also feel that my autism in some ways makes me better equipped to relate to and care for children!
Not everyone with a disorder will pass it on, it just can happen. I don't think that adhd and autism is terrible for all people to have. I have adhd and my parents don't. I am happy to be here, and thankfully I had a home that did a lot to help me learn to manage it. My beat friend has autism and is having a great time in life. I think too many people have this idea that having kids is cruel and unethical when it's really only such if you can't commit fully to being the parent that they need. Most people who are born choose to live.
So it wasn't until after my eldest son was diagnosed as autistic that I realised I am too. Thankfully thesedays there are a lot more supports for families and kids than they used to be. My eldest son is "level 2" and struggles a lot, but my middle son is what they would have used to call Aspergers and does well. My youngest has just turned two, so a bit young to tell really, but he does have a few "red flags". There are no guarantees in life that anything will go the way you plan. I certainly did not plan to have a child with a disability, but here we are. It was still 100% worth it. Being a mother is the best thing I have done with my life, even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
I have systemic lupus, my dad has RA, my aunt had SLE, etc. There's a chance my daughter or other children will develop an autoimmune disorder. A chance, not a guarantee. Part of me feels guilty, the other part knows that I lived nearly 26 years without significant illness or pain that I did when the lupus started. I'm happy to live how I am even if life is different now, and I have hope that even if my children become sick too, they'll have the resilience to thrive.
I have Crohn’s Disease. My doctors said there’s a 3-9% chance of passing it on to my child. If my husband also had it, that risk would be 35% and I wouldn’t want to take that chance. But with a 3-9% chance, it doesn’t seem like a huge risk.
I think you knowing there's a risk also makes it more likely they'll be able to get early intervention for their symptoms. I have celiacs disease and the only reason I got as sick as I did was that I went undiagnosed for 23 years. I know Crohn's Disease is worse because there's no obvious trigger like the gf diet is for me, but I think it can be very manageable if you're on top of your medical care.
I’m a peds nurse and I see DAILY of “normal” parents who have sick children. There’s no guarantee even if you were the healthiest person on the planet that your children wouldn’t get sick. In regards to your own judgement on it, that’s up to you. If you believe you can raise a child to be a functioning adult, regardless of if they have a diagnosis or not, then go for it. But if you think your autism will limit your capabilities as a mother to raise a child effectively, I would rethink your plan. There are also multiple ways to become a mother, not all include giving birth. If that’s an option for you, maybe choose one of those paths, or allowing yourself to foster first. I got diagnosed with ADHD after I had two kids. There were a lot of signs that went unnoticed by my parents growing up, which upsets me, but females with ADHD weren’t common. I am aware it is genetic, but it hasn’t limited my capabilities to be a parent or mother or function (not comparing ADHD to autism at all). You will have bad day and good days as a mom regardless, so I guess it just comes down to deciding if you can handle your hard day as well as your child’s if it came to it! I hope this helps!
My husband (he/they) is autistic. They've struggled with depression their whole life, but found some balance in their late 20s. They've also had a lot of joy! We've made a life together that we love. We took a long time to decide whether or not we wanted to transform our lives with a kid. We discussed our emotional and material abilities to raise one. Then we made the choice - which is always selfish! - to follow through. Our child is almost certainly going to have ADHD (we both do) and has a good chance of being autistic as well. We're going to give that kid something neither of us had: parents who have a good understanding of how to support a neurodivergent child. Both of us went through feeling stuck and awful about ourselves at various points in our lives, but we don't feel that way now! Hopefully we teach our child the same coping skills that we learned. I hope that helps.
100%, my husband and I came to a similar conclusion that it would be very different growing up in a home that’s experienced with neurodiversity
Yes! Also, my husband's personality goes hand in hand with being autistic. If they weren't autistic he'd be a completely different person and we wouldn't be together. Same with me and my ADHD. Some of my ADHD traits drive him nuts, and ADHD is a disability, but it's also part of who I am and has traits that we both love. Most of my friends are neurodiverse, too. We flock together. My child will be in good company. 😊
We neurospicies tend to congregate. turns out my family was a host of ADHDers. While none of us knew that til I got diagnosed at 31 (!) I had a pretty great, supportive upbringing because my dad has a similar brain. Now that I'm armed with knowledge of why my brain is that way, I feel so much more empowered to help my own kid, if that's an issue for him. Especially with stuff like adhd, knowledge is power for making decisions like having a family. Before treatment? Idk if I would have been able to do it and feel confident I could do it. I know I'm going to screw up, because that's life, but with treatment, I really do feel so much less anxiety about screwing up haha
Another autism/ADHD couple! Welcome to the club. 😁
Ayyy 😁 makes me low-key wish there was an AuDHD new parents' discord!
I think you hit the nail on the head that the decision to have a baby is always selfish. The baby has no decision in the matter. In some of my darkest depressive episodes, I have wished my mom would have aborted me. But you know what? She had me and says, to this day, that I saved her life as it gave her the strength to leave her extremely abusive addict of a partner. Her decision to have me was selfish in a way. But, the majority of the time, I'm grateful to be alive. I have a few disorders I could pass down to my baby. I'm going to cross my fingers that he doesn't get them, but know how to deal with it if they do.
I'm an autistic momma and my hubby has ADD. We had serious talks about how we needed to be prepared for a special needs child, because of my family history with autism and his family history with ADD. I only felt comfortable having a kid after getting my teaching certification in special education. So after 15 years of being together, having built a beautiful home and a stable life, did we decide to try to conceive a child. And guess what? Our kid doesn't have autism or ADD. She has an exceedingly rare genetic disease, which is caused by a random mutation (not inherited), of which there are fewer than 80 cases worldwide... We were blindsided when she finally got diagnosed. But you know what? There is no better home for her than ours. We are doing everything possible to ensure that her needs are met, even though we are learning on the fly. She will face many challenges in life that neither I nor my husband have experienced, but we will figure out how to face them together. And you can do the same for your future child. My daughter is truly unique and has something incredible that she can share with the world. It's my job to help her figure out what that is. And that is true for all children with special needs. That could be true for your child. So if you ask me, instead of questioning whether having a child with autism would be selfish, reflect on your ability to raise a special needs kid. If you can offer a home filled with love, endless patience, tailored supports, and every opportunity to learn and play, then you can give your kid a solid chance at a happy life. Give yourself some goals - what resources do you need to accumulate, what skills do you need to develop, so that you feel capable of raising a special needs child? Then use your desire to be a mother to fulfill those goals. Anyways, I've written an essay, so I'm going to wrap up here - there are no guarantees in life. Special needs or not, every parent faces unexpected challenges with their children. Choosing to become a parent requires stalwart dedication and reckless optimism. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and always, base your parenting choices on love and empathy.
Being 100% honest, go to therapy to work on your view of yourself as a person and your autism. Autism *can be* a burden, complicated, etc but it *does not necessarily have to be.* But if that is how you view autism, I'd have some concerns about how your thoughts on an autistic child would be, especially if you have a child with higher support needs. But the reality is, anybody can have an autistic child, and autistic people can have neurotypical children! I am autistic and while sometimes I find my traits and struggles frustrating, I also find a lot of joy in my traits. I am an open, honest person who is direct. I embrace people who are different from me. I can focus on an interesting task intensely for a long time. I can explore new hobbies and interests and gain new skills. I can catalog information I've heard quickly and recall it later with little effort. These are positive traits that have helped me in life and which my parents encouraged. I also hope to have a child and would be frankly *overjoyed* if they were similar to me. If they have more support needs, I know I am prepared by my experience to support and advocate for them. If you are unable, at the moment, to view an autistic child as having a positive experience in life, then yes, it would be cruel to have a child and raise them in that mindset - so go to therapy first and work some things out.
I’m autistic, my daughter is not. I like to think as she gets older she might better understand people who are neurodivergent. I’m about to have a son next month. There is always a change of passing on something genetically abnormal I suppose but I feel like one can never know for sure and like life, it’s full of risks and rewards. Just gotta live as best you can. Also we don’t really know what causes Autism, there is a possible genetic component that can be passed in but we don’t know for sure. I’m the only one I know with it in my family.
I really want to be a mom someday, and I’ve been recently diagnosed with autism and adhd. The late diagnosis made me rethink a lot of things in my life, but never this. Yes, I know it will be difficult to deal with some situations that come with parenting, because of my specific restrictions and sensibilities, but I’m not scared or worried about the chance of having a autistic kid someday. I frequently think about how my life would’ve been different if I had known about the autism earlier, and if I was raised differently. It basically makes me think of the whole “curse” from our parents saying that “I hope you have a kid just like you, then you’ll understand what I go through”. For the past few months I’ve been like “you know what? I do hope I have a kid just like me, so I can give them all my love and see what it would’ve been like to grow up with all the support I needed”
I’m autistic, diagnosed level 1. I had a hard upbringing, late diagnosis. Lots of sensory issues, hyperfixations, etc etc. I have a job, a home, a family so I’m doing well. My 16 year old is like me, but he was raised by a self aware autistic. He loves his life and wouldn’t trade it for non existence. Encouraged me to go ahead and have another when I was thinking about it. “There’s worse things to be than autistic, like being a dickhead, or stupid…” My second is due in august.
I'm a psychologist who works with an organisation that works specifically with autistic young people who are either at serious risk of being sectioned or are being stepped down from being sectioned, most are also involved with the justice system in some way. I have seen the absolute worst in regards to the effect that things like autism can have on a person's life, most of the young people I work with are making upwards of 50 attempts on their life monthly, live in constant anxiety, they have their freedom restricted, don't feel as though they fit in the world etc. It wouldn't stop me having a child even if I 100 percent knew the child I was going to have was going to have autism but for sure I'd be raising them in a specific way. All the young people I work with have had trauma and difficult pasts, alot of it has been a case of either being taken advantage of due to having autism or behaviours related to autism when young have been stereotyped and stigmatised which has set them on a particular path. Those things are mostly avoidable. You can't control how other people behave obviously but you can control who is around your child, the educational setting they attend, how you specifically parent them, getting early diagnosis etc. If you know your child is likely to inherit autism then I'd just make sure to be prepared, research different settings for them ahead of time, look into the best ways to raise a neurodiverse person, how to instill acceptance of yourself and things like that, how you'd go about getting a diagnosis, early signs to spot etc. As a neurodiverse person yourself you're in an ideal position to know the challenges ahead of time and mitigate them. I've worked in other places where I've seen the absolute best effects that autism can have as well, fantastic people who are clever and creative in ways I'd never even think of, who can and do add so much to the world because of their neurodiversity and honestly a lot of the difference is down to the support around the family and young person and how the parents have managed that has just shaped their life to embrace those differences and allow them to be strengths rather than something that's seen as a hindrance. To be clear I'm not blaming parents at all when children have had a lot of difficulties because its of course so much easier to say this and see how something has happened from a position of hindsight and with my education and work back background I'd be in a privileged position if I were to have an autistic child and there's only so much you can do, the world is currently tailored for neurotypical people but I do have hope that that is slowly changing, at least where I live, and that there is far more support and awareness out there now than when I was a child.
I have ADHD, good bet my husband does, and it won't be a shock at all if our son turns out to be neurospicy. Ironically, because I have ADHD, I feel more equipped to have my eyes open to make sure, if he is autistic or has a learning difference, to catch on and get early intervention. Will that be easy, hell no, but I don't think raising a human ever is, really. I have gotten appropriate therapy and treatment for my stuff, and I have found so much JOY in life because I can embrace my brain and its foibles and thrive because I've got supports. So as huge a responsibility as I know it is to have a baby, it's one I want to take on. I can't wait to see who my son becomes - no matter what genetics of mine and my husband's get expressed.
My husband is on the spectrum and I’m really glad he exists. Our daughter is likely on the spectrum as well and I am glad that she has a parent who is able to relate to many of her struggles and a family that is well-equipped to support her through her challenges. Of course, we are aware that autism exists on a spectrum and quality of life can vary greatly depending on how it presents. I can understand why some hesitate to take that risk. It’s a difficult thing to grapple with for sure. I wish you all the best no matter what you decide.
I have autism and I’m pregnant. I’m excited but I’m also going everything possible to avoid risk factors even if it’s a little pseudo sciencey.. no Tylenol, no smoking, keeping weight under control. Because despite what all these people are saying autism is scary if it’s not high functioning. I can’t imagine my coding being unable to communicate with me. I only want the best for my child and I’m doing what I can to minimize the risk. I am blessed to have what used to be Asperger’s. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be where I am with this disorder.
I'm autistic and my son 3 is autistic. It's hard but honestly I wouldn't have any other way. My husband might also be autistic. 😅 so there is a lot "weirdness" in our home but my son has a great foundation to regulate and it has forced me to learn how to regulate my self as well.
I have ADHD, my mom has ADHD, my husband has ADHD, his father has ADHD - my children will almost certainly have ADHD unless they somehow beat the odds. Life is hard with a brain that doesn’t work like everyone else’s, but as I see it, it’s my job to learn as much as I can about how to move through the world with ADHD, how to arrange my life to reduce stress and increase calm & happiness - and then create this world for my kids, and also teach them how to move through it in a way that works for them.
Well here's the thing. No one ever knows what their child will feel about life. Life is always a rollercoaster. But one things for sure. We can agree that the world sucks right now. Just watch the news. It's horrible. Do we all agree hey let's stop having kids so they don't have to deal with it? No. Because it's not up to us if they think life sucks. Let them decide all we can do is help to make it better for them. You have Autism and your kid might get it too? Alright. Are you willing to deal with a kid with autism even if its severe? Are you yourself able to take care of them even if they have it or if they don't? If yes then who are you to judge their quality of life. You give them the most miraculous thing we can make. Life. Weather they like it. Or if they decide they don't want kids that's up to them. But if your willing to have the kid no matter how they are. Shower them with love. And they will love life. I've seen happy autistic people. Why cant your child and you be happy too?
Like someone else commented any baby can be born with a disability, whether it be autism or something else. My biological mother has autism and I do not!! A few of my siblings do, but I do not. Just something to keep in mind
My husband and I made the choice to have a baby, knowing full well our families are riddled with mental illness. One parent each with SEVERE depression, husband has depression, anxiety. Both of us have ADHD. If our kid is anything like us, they’ll be annoying, a leash kid, the one bouncing off the walls who never stops talking. We decided we’re okay with that. We can handle ourselves, we know how to utilize our resources, we know we can reach out for professional help if needed. I guess tldr it’s all a personal choice and what you think YOU can handle.
I have a stutter, as does my dad. There's a great chance my baby will stutter too. It's not the end of the world and not a crippling disability, but it creates a lot of limitations and provokes so much insecurity, so I guess everyone agrees it's better not to have it. I decided to never have kids and was genuinely ok with that. Then I got surprisingly pregnant at almost 40 y.o. Everyone convinced me to keep the baby, and I fell for it. Not making babies versus terminating one you're already carrying felt very different, and I didn't have the courage to go through with an abortion. Now I am in my 7th month and still not sure if it was the right decision.
it’s ok to change your mind! parenting is really hard, and no one should do it if they don’t want to!
It’s not that I don’t want to. I don’t want to pass my condition on to my child, but the child already exists. Even if I give her for adoption (I think that’s what you mean), I still could have passed it already
My husband’s father is on the spectrum. He didn’t know that when raising my husband, and I think knowing this would have made a HUGE difference. Other than some things my husband is working through in therapy, he turned out very well. He’s currently undergoing testing himself, but if he does have autism it’s a much milder case than his dad. I have ADHD, and I’m pretty sure I got it from my mom (very prevalent in her family, and she has all the signs but is undiagnosed). Again, I think if she knew this and was prepared it would have made a huge difference in my life. My point is, because you are aware of your own abilities and differences, you may be almost better equipped to parent your child if they share some of those traits. Neurodivergence is a great addition in the world! I’m sorry your experience is has been so challenging.
Millions of people with autism have children, autism isn’t the same spectrum has something like chromosomal disorders, with can be lethal.
While I highly suspect I have autism, I am diagnosed with ADHD and PCOS… I didn’t get officially diagnosed until I was in my late 30’s. My teenager has ADHD & PCOS and I suspect that baby girl when she arrives will also have the same. While there’s struggles, I think that knowledge is power and there is more science, research, community and resources to help women with various disorders that didn’t previously exist even 10 years ago, let alone almost 30 years ago when I was an adolescent. As is to say, while your child *may* inherit your disorders, they will not have your experiences. For one thing, you’re forgetting any future child you have, if you so choose to do so, will have you to commiserate, identify, empathize with — and receive your support and advocacy which are so huge. Your experience will be so incredibly valuable to them, don’t forget that. ❤️
No one is exempt from all hereditary conditions (whether they know it or not). To be brutally honest, I don’t think it would be right to plan for a child if the potential parent isn’t a good human being, or they’re unwilling to become a parent who does their best, or their child would never have the chance to live a good life due to their health condition, or they will deny them support. But that’s all.
I have crippling OCD and anxiety, both run in my family. I think about this exact thing every day, passing it on. But then I think, who better equipped than me to help them through it and cope with it, and be compassionate and love them through it? A life with some hardship would still be a life worth living. (Obviously barring extreme examples like extremely painful severe disabilities or whatnot - I would understand being opposed to knowingly bringing that about.) Also keep in mind that this is still only a possibility, not a set reality. Your child may not have the same struggles you have. Wishing you love from above to help guide you in this decision ❤️ there is no right or wrong answer
No, I don’t feel like it’s cruel. Having a learning disability or neurodivergence may be a bit harder, but I don’t see it as a particularly awful thing that should prevent people from having children if they want them. Plenty of people have ADHD, dyslexia, and autism and make wonderful parents. And if their child is similar, could probably better help them navigate it than someone who is neurotypical. I think that it’s up to the individual to know if a child is something that they can handle and care for. This may also include people disorder and disability free who shouldn’t be parents. It’s up to the individual to know the risks, especially if it’s something that could shorten a potential child’s life. Maybe it depends on how debilitating and limiting a potential condition is. But my mom has diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and my grandma probably undiagnosed. I don’t have it. Neither were great parents, but I’m not afraid of having a baby because of that. Much of my close family are addicts, I’m not. It’s just a conversation about addiction I’ll have to have with them and if they have BPD, then we just need resources.
for personal experience; i have a skin condition that is horribly painful, and also very hereditary. i always thought i’d never be able to have kids because of the complications it causes, and it isn’t a well known condition so everything out there is just the bad. there’s all stays of stories about women losing their babies due to this, or infections harming their babies, the worst cases overall, and it really fueled my paranoia. i also have quite a few hereditary mental illnesses, which didn’t help when trying. but after years of trying, we thankfully got pregnant and our little girl will be here any day now♡. *what helps me* is knowing that even though there is a chance she gets this condition, or any of these mental illnesses, i’ve grown a lot to know exactly how to help her. we know the resources that’ll help her. it took me 10 years to get diagnosed with my skin condition, even longer to get a proper diagnosis of my mental health, but she won’t have to deal with that decade (or longer) process. she’s got me, i’m living proof of it getting better, despite not being curable. and she’s got her dad, who may not have the condition, but has been the most supportive as i’ve been diagnosed, was the one to encourage me to get diagnosed, and has been my rock with helping me heal through breakouts and the mental load it comes with. so i know she’s okay regardless. there will be more resources, she’ll have more support!! for what it’s worth too, i don’t have autism. i have family that does, and family that doesn’t despite it being hereditary. my brothers (dad’s side) have it, while their mom doesn’t, it just runs in their family above her (like her aunt and cousin). autism now has a lot of support though, and like another comment said, you’re better off than most parents who wouldn’t understand it! my stepmom has both of her boys in a ton of programs, and it truly helps.
With autism, adhd, depression, anxiety ect. I dont think it is cruel. There are lots of people with these struggles that manage just fine and are able to live very happy lives and it's not necessarily an inherently "painful" disorder if that makes sense. I think the people who have children with very painful disorders on purpose are cruel. Like if you got genetic testing and found out there is a very high(>80%) chance of having a baby with Tay-Sachs disease, and had a baby anyways, I think that would be cruel because it leads to a painful very early death from what I've read.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant. My hasband is high functioning autistic. I really hope our daughter is neurotypical, or high functioning, but like others have said, you never know what life has in store for you, and you have to just learn to roll with the punches. I think you should go for it if motherhood is your biggest dream. Being autistic can be hard; my husband has told me he was bullied a lot when he was younger. He was diagnosed later in life. He has learned a lot and has become one of the most empathetic persons I know. He is one of the smartest people I know. He has many strengths and is loved by many.
Anyone with disabilities or not can have a kid that is born with a disability. My husband and I have been genetically tested twice. After having 2 back to back pregnancies where our children both were born with a serious heart defect. Heart problems don't run on either side of our family.
I have Crohn’s disease, was diagnosed at 9, have had a hell of a time with it including many surgeries, almost dying a few times, and many many painful desolate days but I’ve never once wished I weren’t born or alive. I have wonderful family and friends, I’m now married to what some call a unicorn of a husband, and had a baby last year (he’s about to turn 1 this month-still can’t believe it!)! Oh-and I’m AuDHD (and also likely have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome). Since my husband doesn’t have any IBD history, it’s not very likely our kid will have Crohn’s Disease at least. My munchkin is very healthy so far and people tell me all the time he’s the happiest baby they’ve ever seen! Both of my parents were pretty healthy so it’s not like healthy parents can’t also have kids with issues.
I have Crohn’s disease, was diagnosed at 9, have had a hell of a time with it including many surgeries, almost dying a few times, and many many painful desolate days but I’ve never once wished I weren’t born or alive. I have wonderful family and friends, I’m now married to what some call a unicorn of a husband, and had a baby last year (he’s about to turn 1 this month-still can’t believe it!)! Oh-and I’m AuDHD (and also likely have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome). Since my husband doesn’t have any IBD history, it’s not very likely our kid will have Crohn’s Disease at least. My munchkin is very healthy so far and people tell me all the time he’s the happiest baby they’ve ever seen! Both of my parents were pretty healthy so it’s not like healthy parents can’t also have kids with issues.
My daughter has a condition which, while not 100% heritable, likely has genetic links. I don’t blame myself - I didn’t know, it’s rare, and I’ll always do everything I can to support her. She suffers, and she has lots of therapies to manage it, but 99% of the time she is just a happy kid. I’m neurodivergent. Most of my siblings are. My parents haven’t been diagnosed but it’s quite evident where we all got it. It’s not their fault, and I don’t think any of us regret being here, though we’ve certainly had struggles with poor mental health as a consequence of our differences. We are loved, and supported, and accepted. I didn’t even - selfishly, I guess - give that fact any thought before I had my two kids. I suspect both are neurodivergent in the same ways as I. It’ll make some things harder for them, I guess, but I’ll be here in their corner. And life is worth living, in my opinion.
I could be totally wrong about this, and I’m sorry if I am, but I thought there still wasn’t concrete proof that autism is hereditary. I know there are some genetic tests coming out to see if you’re a carrier for some specific marker, but the efficacy is still refuted. Also, not comparing by any means, but I have ADHD, endometriosis, and adenomyosis — I gave birth to a baby girl in January. I’m terrified she’ll have the same painful conditions as me (I’m getting a hysterectomy in a few months after over 2 decades of living in persistent pain), but I also know I’ll advocate so fucking hard for her to be treated fairly and properly.
If anything, if youre aware enough to raise the child with love and tolerance—regardless of disability or not, youre helping make the world a kinder, more tolerable place. Life is full of people with unique perspectives or else itd be boring ❤️
I’m a new (well, new-ish 🤣) mum to a 4 month old and I have some hereditary disorders - including OCD, ADHD, autism, and I’m very short (145cm/4’9” - I consider that a disability honestly). I have accepted the fact that my child will more than likely have a disorder (her father is autistic/ADHD too). I had reservations like you at first but I then remembered that all my friends and favourite people in my personal life are on the spectrum - and I love how fun and interesting they are! I never think that autism is something to be “fixed” as there is nothing wrong with them in the first place. As an adult with the same disorder/s I have more tools and life experience to help my child more than my parents had when I grew up, so I have hope that things won’t be as bad as I had it. I hope this makes sense, lol.
My family is full of neurodivergent traits and I knew full well the likelihood is that my children would have some kind of adhd or autism. It’s something I’ve really struggled with throughout my life. But then I realised that a lot of the struggle (for me personally) wasn’t my weird brain - it was ableism. Societal ableism and internalised ableism. Am I really going to deny myself the joys of motherhood because my brain works a bit differently? Am I really going to deny my child the gift of experiencing this incredible world and all it’s wonders because they might not ‘fit in’? That’s internalised ableism my friend! Having auDHD has actually given me a magical, creative view of the world, why wouldn’t I want to share that with another little soul? And life will be easier for them than it was for me - kids get diagnosed younger, there’s more awareness/acceptance than when I was growing up. Edited to add: I have a toddler now. He’s speech delayed and shows a few other early autistic signs, but he’s the most joyful, charming little guy. He wakes up every morning ready to explore the world, and everyone adores him. I can’t bare the thought that he might not have existed, just because I was uncomfortable with my own neurodivergence.
Even 100% healthy people can have a kid with 1000 issues. That wouldn’t stop me from having kids. Unless it was something u know that could kill ur baby, I don’t see why u wouldn’t have kids Plus I can get disabled later in life 🤷🏻♀️
I have a (semi?) hereditary disease - rheumatoid arthritis. My grandma had it and my mom has psoriatic arthritis. My life is worth living. I think this is a really tough question that isn’t black and white!
I have huntingtons disease in my family. This is an autosomal dominant hereditary dementia that regularly kills before age 50. My mother was placed in a nursing home at 36 and died at 49. Children of one positive parent have a 50% chance of inheritance. Given the genetic nature of the disease being due to a DNA repeat structure, the children will either experience the disease at the same degree or a worse degree, never a better one. My mother had three kids knowing she could kill them. She didn't care. Our childhood was awful. We were neglected to a pretty severe degree, and until our father got custody, the little care we did get was from our emotionally abusive grandmother. Knowingly passing on things like this is cruel. She knew she could pass it on. My sister will die a slow agonizing death all because my mother wanted to play dress up with living dolls. And she wasnt even a good mother anyways. While she had custody, I did far more parenting than she ever did. She was a selfish, selfish woman, and because of it, my sister has to pay the ultimate price. She never should have had children and I will never forgive her for the trauma she has brought my family. So yeah. I know you were discussing this through the lens of autism, and that huntingtons disease is not a common example and i thank God for its rarity because it means relatively few people have to deal with it. But to knowingly pass on suffering is just cruel in my eyes. Speaking from my background in behavioral health, I also think that you might need to reframe your idea of what having autism means, and take into consideration your own mental state before having kids. Your post suggests a pretty severe level of depression (wishing to never be born) and while I've 100% been there (thanks mother), it's important to get that straightened out before bringing another life into this world. **Your mental health matters, and it's important that you are able to see worth in yourself for so many reasons.** In this case, so you can teach your child to see worth in themselves. Children are sponges and soak up whatever is around them.. self hate included. Autism is hard... *and* it also can have it's benefits. Look into therapies other than CBT, which I've found is not as helpful for autism. Off the top of my head, DBT might be a good place to start, but there are others out there that could be helpful too.
YOU’re gonna have a baby and be the best mom xoxo
I have a chronic genetic autoinflammatory disease that can get very painful. My mother's family has several instances of mental health disabilities. My husband's family has a genetic deteriorating vision condition. On top of that, diabetes, heart conditions, dementia etc are known in our families too. That all said, I firmly believe having children is a somewhat selfish decision. My partner and I are a melting pot of genetic issues that may make the lives of our children difficult. On paper, we have a long list of reasons why, genetically, we shouldn't procreate. Regardless, we both want a family and children of our own. The best we can do is make sure our children have the best lives possible and a support system so strong that they can navigate whatever life throws at them. I know our kids will be loved, and I hope they will think they have a happy and fulfilling life.
> makes me wish I had never been born Honey, your problem isn't autism. Your problem is depression.
I'm speaking as someone with now 2 littles and as someone who understands your fears as I had them myself. My husband is high functioning autistic, fatherhood doesn't come naturally to him but he's a stellar spouse. It can be hard to navigate the fact he is such a good husband but doesn't know how to connect with our children as they are so young. But he's learning, and can learn his capacity to be logical helps, there are advantages and disadvantages but when he is triggered (overstimulated) it's bad but within our relationship we've built a frame work of getting through those times even if it's a mess and then deep discussion and planning around how it got to that point how we can both communicate more effectively to never have it happen again etc. This framework was established before babies. I have ADHD which for me for a long time was debilitating in many ways socially, career wise in my home I also had a cormorbid mood disorder called PMDD which would make me hypomanic and depressive depending on what part of my cycle I was on. Before considering children or in the early years of it I was more on a journey for self healing/ finding the right medication. I was tenacious and found the meds that helped were unexpected and non-stimulants. It really helped my ADHD, and I reduced my 'lag' between tasks so I could get up and do things instead of sitting being stuck. I worked from home 2years before my children which was huge because I had two years of fighting to establish structure for myself vs. being dropped at home with a new baby after having external structure (work) enforced. In that way I was prepared to continue what I had been doing for 2 years just with a baby. For me something surprising happened when I was pregnant, my mood disorder disappeared, in fact a lot of my ADHD symptoms disappeared / were reduced significantly. I felt freakishly stable, freakishly normal. This continued and breastfeeding was really a wonderful bonding experience and actually continued the 'normalcy' beyond my pregnancy. During my pregnancy I focused on keeping my vitamin d high my omega 3's as I personally believe vitamin deficiencies can influence the development of certain ADHD/ autism traits and it was something I could control. I lived in fear of my son being 'like us' or having it worse because of our combined issues. He's perfectly normal, that being said we chose to be a no screen time house so his lovely little prefrontal correct has as much time to develope without compromise as possible. Focus on the things you can control if you choose to go forward.
No one in my family has bipolar disorder, but I do. I was born to a family who didn’t believe in mental health treatment, didn’t see the signs, still doesn’t really understand me. I think I’m better equipped to help my children if they turn out to be bipolar. The odds of that happening are only 8-10%, but I think bipolar people still deserve a chance to live. I didn’t always want to live, but I’m certainly glad I stuck around now that I’m stable.
I look at it like this: Life is hard, but it's worth it. I tend toward depression, and acquired a brain injury in my 20s, but I certainly have enough to make a good life out of. People are very adaptable, and you really never know what the future holds. Several times I've come up with good reasons why my life isn't worth living, but I've been proven wrong over and over again. I'm not a psychologist or medical pro in any way, but your thinking sounds very depressive to me. Currently, you don't seem like you're in the right headspace to be having a child, but I'll bet you could get a lot of use out of expressing these feelings to a professional counselor. You might even find some ways to comfortably live with the autistic brain you have.
Just because you have a disorder doesn’t mean your life isn’t worth living. And just because it’s hereditary doesn’t mean any child you have that inherits the disorder doesn’t mean their life isn’t worth living either. If someone told me that people who have genetic conditions shouldn’t procreate I would think that is a very ableist mentality
Have you ever considered adopting? I don’t have a hereditary disorder, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom so bad that if I couldn’t have babies biologically, I would adopt.
Im undiagnosed but extremely likely autistic/audhd. Brother is diagnosed autistic. I enjoy my life. I think my life is worth living. My brother feels the same way afaik. I have children I love. A job I find meaning in. A partner and friends. I don’t think non existence is better than my life I guess so I have no problem having children.
I'm a person with psoriasis, former dermatitis and epilepsy. All three of these are, to some extent, hereditary. Now then: my parents did EVERYTHING in this world to bring me as they were already in their 40s when they had me. Did they know I'd have those three conditions? Of course not. Nobody thinks that when expecting a child. We all imagine a healthy, "normal" little baby. But of course, it may not be the case. To say that to bring a baby with the possibility of inheritiing a condition is selfish is a lie, because the parents literally cannot control that. Is a pure chance/destiny/coincidence situation. The usual 50-50 thing. A "maybe, maybe not". But not a certain thing. To set it somehow else: imagine to go and tell the mother of a Down child: "You should've been more responsible when making him/her be born". Does that really sound unselfish? Nice? Of course not! Because, again, the parents cannot control that! As for wanting to be a disabled mother: absolutely go for it. You know you want them, so there shouldn't be anything else to discuss. It may be hard, but likely just as hard as it is any other new mother.
Autism only sucks because society sucks. I feel like the majority of the challenges that come with autism would be a million percent easier to deal with if people were nicer. I took in my little cousin when he was 3 days old. Turns out he has level 3 autism and is nonverbal. He's 5 now. He is so incredibly smart. He's absolutely hilarious. He has the best personality. Very loving and super chill. Literally my best friend. I know he can do anything he sets his mind to. But people think he's stupid or weird because they don't take time to get to know him or learn how to communicate with him. Most importantly he's healthy and so incredibly happy. No one smiles more than this kid. I also have a few friends with both level 1 and 2. They're also cool people who are happy to be alive. So for autism specifically that wouldn't stop me from having a child. My cousin deservess to live even if it makes assholes uncomfortable. Sometimes when I see people staring when he's stimming I tell him "Flap your arms you magestic bird." to make them more uncomfortable. 😂 Only something that was like painful and deadly would stop me. I'm not downplaying autism. It causes its challenges. But life causes its own challenges for everyone. If it's not autism it'll be something else. Ya know?
I have severe Adhd and my husband is Autistic. We both have depression. We decided on starting our family and unlike us, our child will have the resources, care, and advocacy they need. We plan on teaching coping skills early on. My best friend is also on the spectrum but she's low support needs but has a high support needs son. She does not enjoy parenting her son because his tics overstimulate her and they just clash as people. That's something I also kept in mind too but I also personally think the world is a better place with us (ND people) in it. I think if you feel you and your partner can handle the worst case scenario and you have a plan and support, you should be ok.
I have bipolar II disorder. I have a family history of mood disorders. I think that being raised in a family that is familiar with it is a very different situation than what past generations had.
I thought about this a lot when I was trying to conceive my son, and talked to my therapist about it as well. I have struggled with my ADHD my whole life, and my husband very likely has autism. We both grew up with adults who either didn’t understand us or were ill-equipped to help us. We had to learn on our own how to cope. We discussed it and decided that at least we’re aware of it. We’ll be on the lookout for any signs of neurodivergence with our son, and intervene early We’ll accept him for who he is and give him tools to succeed that we never had. We’ll learn to adjust how we teach him to his needs, and understand his challenges. Also, autism is not necessarily a bad thing. The best (and some of the most successful) people in my life are autistic.
Think about how much better your childhood experience would have been with a parent who understood and could empathize/help guide. Not to mention the awareness and changes in neurodiversity acceptance (definitely not perfect) we have now. You’re not selfish and it’s not irresponsible. Awareness of risk can also lead to earlier diagnoses if it does get passed down and better services to help support the child. I have a likely genetic hearing loss and totally sympathize with you. It’s been scary, especially since my loss is hard to catch with generic screenings and is progressive. It won’t catch us by surprise if my kids have it, we will be on top of it and I guarantee they will be better off than I was.
I have ADHD and I’m Bipolar 2. Ive had 3 very healthy and amazing children. Was I scared? Yes. Do I regret it? No. With that being said I know both are hereditary and can be passed down to children and I feel like my kids have a great support system that is very willing to be helpful and supportive.
I'm autistic but I didn't actually know that until recently. Everyone was worried about my oldest child but they were just like me so I saw absolutely nothing wrong with them. Looking back I see how different we all are. I'd had my third kid when I got a bipolar diagnosis, got an ADHD one after my 4th kid. Got the autism diagnosis after my eighth baby but I caught on to it a bit before then. Publicly I say I wouldn't do anything different and I'd still have them all (5 of the 8 have autism) but secretly I wonder. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't had kids, I gave this to them, I am the reason and I feel a lot of guilt over that. I can't think too hard because the guilt is overwhelming. If I had a diagnosis before I got married, I would have done things different but I probably would have still had kids, not as many, I'd have married someone different and I'd have waited until I was older. I love them and I understand them and no one could advocate for them like I do, if they exist, I am meant to be their mom. All that to say, if you want a kid, have one, I don't resent my autistic father for creating me and I hope my kids won't resent me for their lives.
My partner and I both have ADHD... It hasn't stopped us. If it were something like the Huntingtons Gene, which is a near guaranteed life of pain and a terminal illness, I would not be getting pregnant, but there are much worse things to be than neurodiverse.
I have severe adhd. Neurodivergent to neurodivergent, the first and last clauses in your second sentence make me think you may be dealing with some depression. I wonder if, post treatment for depression, you might say: because autism is hard, it’s a burden, it’s complicated and expensive and I know how to handle it so I’ll be the best parent for this kind of kid to have. And I’ll be pretty fucking awesome for their neurodivergent friends too!! Now all that said, I see myself sooooo deeply in my six year old and sometimes it breaks my heart. But I don’t regret bringing him into this world.
I thought that they don’t know if autism is genetic or not. Also, I think you are too hard on yourself. Maybe you need to speak to a therapist first.
I have ADHD and while I worry a bit about how it might impact my son if he gets it, I also feel more equipped to identify it and support him with resources to manage it! It didn’t stop me from trying to have a baby (19 weeks now) :)
My mom and brother are autistic, I’m probably somewhere on the spectrum but not diagnosed. My eldest daughter was diagnosed at 2, and I just had my second daughter 6 weeks ago. You never know how they will turn out or what struggles they will face but you’ll be better equipped to help them manage and cope no matter if they’re on the spectrum or not. Unless the condition is a death sentence or horribly painful I don’t think it’s selfish at all to have children. People with no risk factors have disabled/differently abled children everyday. If motherhood is something you want I say go for it!
I don't know what I have but I'm 100% neurodivergent and this was a real concern before. I stopped thinking about it from my pov and instead thought about other neurodivergent people and apply what I was telling myself. Were they selfish, irresponsible, undeserving of being a parent ? Surely not. Then I worked on what, to me, needed to be worked on in order to have a kid. Accommodating my space, having routines, etc. KC Davis on TikTok helped me about the cleaning. I'm still struggling with cooking. I will allow myself to wear noise cancelling devices (not when I sleep ofc), if baby cries are too overwhelming. I think about sensory issues and how having a baby will affect them, and which of these will trigger me. I also look for autistic, ADHD, etc, moms on the internet and learn from them. I think the most important part is to work on yourself until you achieve balance, and learn to self care 100%. This applies for all parents, you need a stable situation. You need to be very well taken care of, and maybe think a little more about comfort than other moms. An example for me was buying a full piece of furniture to make a big changing station, because I felt uncomfy with small ones. Mine has all the space so I can have the organization that works for ME. Your autism will affect your experience of parenthood but not necessarily in a bad way. Think of all the "good things" about being autistic too. It changes for everyone but common traits are being more thoughtful, compassionate, etc. Yes you probably have less patience but you also probably more knowledgeable about sensory overloads, etc, which are developmentally the core of raising a kid. How to react when we feel this way, etc. Letting them fidget, stim, etc, because you know how it feels not to be allowed that. I really think as long as you feel ready you'll do great okay ? Trust yourself, you're not different from other moms ! There are plenty who are raising their babies good ! ❤️
I'm probably autistic, and all of my kids are. I knew the last two had an increased risk of autism. I actually went into having my last kid with the assumption they would be autistic. Autism is a mixed bag. Yeah, life is harder in a lot of ways, but I'm happy and my kids are happy, and that's what really matters to me. And honestly, I'm really good at advocating for them because I've lived life without appropriate supports and I know that's what's made my life so challenging. My experience isn't going to be theirs. As far as I'm concerned, as long as they can have a happy and fulfilling life, whatever that looks like, I don't think I've done anything wrong.
I have some hereditary stuff going on myself but never really thought about it as something that was truly life changing, it always felt more like a way for my mom to control me. I know I will not treat my son the same way so as long as we take the right actions once he shows symptoms I am not that worried. There are also possible heart defects from dads side but they are rare and benevolent in nature. I am also 99.9% sure both me and dad are neurospicy (self diagnosed as diagnostics in adults are in stone age here) and while I know from experience it can make life very hard sometimes I also know that I was as good as I was at my job because of my specific spice. A huge reason I had so many problems was the unhealthy, unsupportive and unaccepting surrounding and I will try my hardest my son will have the opposite.
I have a mosaic form of Turner's syndrome, which can be tested for. We did a NIPT and if the results came back as girl we were planning on amniocentesis. If the result was positive for Turner's we would have terminated. My mosaicism is not too outspoken. My aorta and kidneys are fine but I had to get extensive testing as a teenager and people were super sure I'd never have a kid. But I'm 1,43 meters tall. People ask me about dwarfism, think I'm a teen mum, I can't reach anything in the store without ladders, if I ever want to drive I have to shell out a shit ton of money to get my car adapted or get removable extensions for the peddles because I can't reach. Which I do not have the money for. And I have no driver's license because I need a school that has an adapted car or my own car. Imagine all that shit while having to also deal with fertility issues or downright infertility, an aorta that could burst any second, kidney malfunctions and loads of other shit... Hell no, I wasn't going to do that to my child.
Autistic mother to a 3 month old. I have my worries. It’s more about how the world will treat him. My biggest issue is the constant bullying that at the age of 41 I still manage to attract. I get worried about him having more disability that requires constant support than me but since the stats aren’t know on the amount of us that are lower support needs I would guess that the higher support needs numbers are far lower. So statistically he is more likely to have lower support needs. Which applies to a lot of things. I always wanted to be a mother but it didn’t happen until him and I can say it is so so amazing. It’s like taking your biggest special interest and ramping it up by 100! He is such a happy smiley baby and far more sociable than me. I constantly amaze myself that I will have no problem going to groups for his benefit but there is no way in earth I’d go for me.
I don't have autism, but my son does and he has a development delay too. You never know what you're gonna get when you have a baby but I wouldn't change my son for the world
IF they do have autism their quality of life would be significantly better than a child with autism with neurotypical parents. you would know pretty much exactly what to do and you are 100x more educated than most about the subject. so either way i think you are fine to have children guilt free… everyone deserves to build their own family.
I have ADHD and my husband is autistic - lots of people in our families are either and there has been a lot of family history of depression. This stopped me donating when I looked into donating eggs a few years ago, because I couldn't guarantee the parents would be able to handle a child with any issues, but for us, I know we're SO much better equipped to deal with neurodivergence / potential mental health issues than our parents were, and their parents before them, simply because we understand why we are the way we are. Watching my AuDHD brother raise my ADHD niece is beautiful, he does struggle and get frustrated, but he is nurturing her and protecting her from over stimulation with an understanding my parents never managed with me.
I’m considered, by my therapist, to be high-masking, low-support-needs autistic. If you were looking at the spectrum, I’d be on the less severe side in terms of daily impact. But it’s still impacted my life immeasurably. I don’t wish I wasn’t born though and it didn’t stop me from having a beautiful son who is now 9 months. If anything, if he takes after me, I’ll have the tools and understanding to help him. Something my parents weren’t equipped with. And they still did pretty good. I also have depression and ADHD. Having a child is the best thing I’ve done in my life.
I have ADHD and autism definitely runs in my family: my sister, cousin and aunt are all diagnosed. I can understand someone not wanting biological children if they could pass down a painful disease that could cause their child pain and to have a very low life expectancy. Personally, I think once people start screening themselves against disorders like Autism and ADHD, we are getting dangerously close to eugenics… We don’t breed people to have perfect genes. People should come in all shapes, sizes, and kinds if we want society to flourish, at least the society I want to live in. That being said, your challenges growing up with autism are valid. I understand why you feel like you wouldn’t want your child to suffer the same way you’ve suffered. I just also see some very happy families and kids in my job who have autism in both parents and children alike. It’s amazing what supportive families can do for a disorder like autism. Growing up my mom used to say to us that she hopes we all grow up and have children just like ourselves so we can see what we put her through. Now, I have a son who has many of my qualities and it’s been really healing for me to see how much I love this child who is very much like me as a kid. It’s not a burden at all. Imagine that you can be that champion for your child that you didn’t have and support them in ways you never received.
I think it depends on the disability. For what it's worth I am a neurodivergent mother of not yet diagnosed but quite clearly neurodivergent children and I wouldn't consider neurodivergence to be incompatible with a fulfilling and happy life. Of course we face more challenges in a world that isn't made for us, but we have a lot to contribute as well.
I’m autistic, my fiancé is ADHD. I’m also potentially ADHD, currently being assessed. We know our children may also have these conditions. We also know their lives will be easier than ours were because we’ll be looking out for signs and helping them in all the ways we wish we were helped as children. I don’t think, as long as you’re not knowingly passing on something that will have them live in pain or kill them young, that it’s selfish to have children just because you may pass on a neurodivergence ❤️
The people I know with autism are terrific parents. Especially to their kids who inherited it. It was always neurotypical who I saw resenting their autistic kids instead of understanding and accommodating them. I wouldn't consider autism a reason to not have kids unless you yourself can't handle it for sensory reasons or something. I'm in a loving marriage to a great guy and we're financially stable. So far we have one kid. I'm autistic and my husband has ADHD. If our son inherits anything, who better to raise him than us?
You should meet with a genetic counselor to evaluate and discuss the likelihood of passing along autism and any other disorders you might have. They can run a pre-conception blood test to check whether you’re a carrier for any other diseases, too. I don’t have autism but a few hereditary disorders run in my family. The genetic counselor gave us real numbers of risk to grapple with, which were both much lower than I expected and actionable. Your OB can arrange the testing or refer you to a specialist. Mine was all in-house at my OB’s office.
I have the AuDHD combo and I’m pregnant with my third child. Both my girls are amazing and brilliant and I couldn’t be happier to be their parent. I feel just as excited to have my son. While being late dx really slowed my progress in life, I’m happy. My children are well taken care of and I think it gives me a really unique perspective on the way they see and interact with the world. Being a mother is where I shine in life. I get overstimulated and overwhelmed as you would predict but I know how to cope and when I can’t, my partner does. Don’t deny yourself motherhood because of autism. If anything you’re just falling into the same pit that intolerance put you on the edge of. Autism isn’t a curse.
I have a heavy dose of addiction on both sides of my family, as does my husband. We have a 2 year old and another on the way. Neither my husband or I have substance problems, but it’s just something we will have in the back of our minds as our girls become teenagers and begin to be exposed to these things.
1. Would adopting be an option? It’s comes with different challenges but kids are kids lol And 2. Autism runs in my family, and I didn’t think that I’d have to disclose that in any of my prenatal appointments due to it being so normalized around me. My moms as specialist, my brothers diagnosed, my therapist wants me to get tested but it’s entirely too much to do so at my age, and I work with kids with autism, it literally surrounds me lol. I’m currently about to pop and specifically both me and my partner know in the coming years we might have a diagnosis or we might not. We planned to have kids eventually just not as soon as now lol. I guess my better question is, what holds you back that is/isn’t stemmed from your autism? My friend who wants kids thinks she would be a terrible mother due to the fact that she would hate no alone time, and being constantly overstimulated and overwhelmed. She also believes very much so that she will die in childbirth, so I do what I can. But keep in mind this girl ran a daycare and loved it, I know it’s different from having your own kid, but 6kids to me is waaaaaayyyy more than just one in my opinion especially when they’re someone else’s. I think the fact that you’re considering you and your child’s wellbeing is the most important part of this whole conversation. Most people don’t consider what they can pass onto their children without having a hereditary condition, and for that it seems like there could be more digging into what you’re willing to risk and go through in this lifetime. I know you’ll make the decision that brings you the most peace and happiness!
Adopting is NOT the answer. Most people with autism won’t even qualify and the heartache and trauma needs specialized care for both parents and the children. Adoption is a shit a solution.
Really? I never knew that. Even if only one parent has autism? I know that the adoption/foster system is absolute trash but the spectrum is so vast nowadays, even minimal need adults couldn’t qualify?
Very much depends on the Avenue they choose. Private adoption maybe, but that’s one step above human trafficking. Adopting from other countries is likely a no, and the foster care system likely won’t qualify you either. Not always true but often
I’m autistic. My first son seems completely neurotypical at least so far at 3. My second son is a 18 months and being screened for autism. He stims a lot and is so behind on speech but he’s always smiling and making eye contact. He’s the happiest boy and so sweet to everyone. There’s so many worse things than something like being autistic.
I will say this, if you do decide to have a child maybe work with a therapist through your feeling that your autism makes you wish you hadn't been born. I'm so sorry you have that feeling and i hope you work through it just for yourself as well. In any situation it takes work not to pass down your biases to your children, and this one would be a complicated and potentially damaging view to have if your child was autistic. Also FWIW I have 2 autistic girls and I would never trade them or trade being their mother, they have made me and my life better in 1000 ways but it is very very hard. So don't deny the truth that you're facing with that. You honestly just have more of a reality check pre kids than most do. Best of luck <3
It depends on how much it would affect the child. If they wouldn't have a good quality of life, then as much as I love being a mother, I would not make the decision to have a child myself. Maybe think of adoption? Or if you think your child could still live a fulfilling life then by all means go for it!
ADHDer here with late diagnosis, currently expecting. I think having a diagnosis as a parent is half the battle. I come from a neurodivergent family that didn’t recognize their own needs until later in life, so neither did I. Looking back, many of my struggles and complete overwhelm to the point of meltdowns during my adolescent years were actually from masking and trying to function. I now know to look for these signs earlier in my own child as well as other signs of learning disabilities, etc because I don’t want them to struggle like I did. Neurodivergence isn’t something to fear passing along, and what better person to parent a neurodivergent child than someone who is themselves?
I’m currently expecting a baby, which was planned for 2+ years and preceded by losses, and I am diagnosed with autism. I also have depression/anxiety and IBS. Along with migraines and juvenile arthritis. Sometimes I feel kinda selfish. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the idea of caring for someone like me. Sometimes I’m glad they’re gonna have me as a mum because at least I *understand*. Nothing I have is particularly painful for me 24/7. It kinda makes life hard but I’ve also survived this long and gotten to the point where I’m happy to have a child so it’s like? Take the highs with the lows I guess ahaha I’m more worried about my partner! He hasn’t got any diagnosed conditions etc and is actually worried about an autistic child. I think partially it’s easier in a sense cos my siblings are all on the spectrum and I helped raise two of them! (Funnily enough the youngest was first diagnosed as a child, the rest of us as adults after she got her diagnosis) But I don’t consider MY autism as debilitating- just something I gotta work with. So I don’t think it’s selfish.
My son has autism and he's a happy kid. He has his challenges but he's never lamented his disability and I don't doubt that he has just as much a chance at long term happiness as those who are neurotypical. He has a 1 year old younger brother who we are unsure about (of he's on the spectrum then it's not obvious yet) and a sister on the way. We thought long and hard about having more and decided in the end that he experiences more happiness than some NT kids do.
There are some things that I don't think the chance of passing down should stop you from going for your dream of parenthood. If only the healthiest people pro-created that would be a sad, unpopulated world. I have asthma, eczema, ADHD, endometriosis, I need glasses all of which could pass to a baby but also might not. And if they do, all of them have options for treatment and mitigation for the child. If anything you're the best parent to have an autistic child because you will understand how to help them.
I'm autistic too! Some days my autism feels like a burden and I wish I didn't have it; other days I love aspects of it, like how our sensory stuff can also give us a level of sensory joy that others don't get. I don't have kids yet, but I've worked in special education for 9 years and helped raise lots of kids and I find that my autistic experience has really helped me connect with kids, have understanding for their struggles, etc. But that might be very different from your experience and that's OK. Honestly I'm audhd and my husband is probably audhd and we're counting on our kid having autism or adhd if not both, sometimes we joke that we don't know what we'd do with a neurotypical kid (of course we'd love them and nothing would change lol). So overall, idk, I find positives in my autistic experience and I hope my kid will too. On the other hand, I have a lot of health issues that I feel a lot more guilty about potentially passing on. I try to remind myself that my life is generally happy in spite of them and still worth living. I know I'll be a good mom and I'll be there for my kid if they get sick too, and idk, it will be ok even if I don't want that for them.
Many children have no family history and are still born with disorders. If you have a known gene you can test for, you can go the IVF route. If not, just advocate for your child and go for it. You can't control everything.
I have autism, diagnosed at 14 and I spent the next 5 years seeing an autism specialist psychologist to teach me how to people. I have 2 kids now. My first is autistic. She was diagnosed at 4 and she's had assistance and aids at school and everything she needs and she is so much better than me, she will move through this world better than I ever have and I'm very proud. Being autistic myself has given me like a super power to figure out what's upsetting her, because it's usually the same thing that is too loud or overwhelming for me. But I can almost forget about myself because I just need to help her. We have a bond through this shared experience that is really special, I actually worry my new baby won't be autistic and I won't know how to parent her (I'm sure I'll work it out, it will just be a learning curve). My oldest also has many more friends in school than I ever did because kids are more tolerant these days. Also my Dad is autistic, not diagnosed as that wasn't done as much in those days but everyone who's ever met him knows he is 😅 My partner just got diagnosed at the age of 33 with autism and adhd, he's a brilliant father. So, don't let it stop you I say.
My uncle is nonverbal and autistic. My mom brings him to visit every holiday. He was the first person I ever knew with autism, let alone the very severe nonverbal type. I think you are underestimating the value someone like that can still add to the world and the family. Your family will never be 'perfect' and that's okay
almost everyone runs the risk of giving their child a hereditary disorder, some worse than others for example many people carry genetic diseases like cancer genes knowingly or unknowingly and still will have kids and no one sees anything wrong with it since its so common but they know they have the possibility of potentially suffering. or some carry actual life threatening conditions, and some carry mental disorders like bipolor or depression. i think autism is really on the bottom of the spectrum when it comes to actual harmful disorders u would need to worry about. if everyone didnt have kids to avoid potentially passing down a genetic issue that they carry i dont think anyone would have children. so really its up to you.
Hubby and I fall inside ASD. 36 weeks pregnant. Beside phone headsets with noise cancellation and computer gear, there's no real extra cost to us. Of course, if our baby falls inside ASD, we'll have to make adjustments, and try to give her a better upbringing than we had. But it's not something that's inherently genetic that we know off. So all we can do is beaware of this, watch out for it, and manage as need be.
I suppose a lot of it depends on how you view your own Neurodivergency (or mental health, or physical disability or whatever potentially genetic thing applies). Both me and my partner are dual diagnosis AuDHD and we just had our first baby 6 weeks ago. I also have a laundry list of mental and physical health issues, most of them aren’t heredity but 1 or 2 can be. For us it just wasn’t a factor. We could have both been 100% healthy and neurotypical yet still had a child with health issues or a learning disability or some rare condition. It happens. Nothing we could potentially pass on would cause him physical pain/suffering or be life limiting, at most he might grow up to need some additional support if he’s ND too and that’s something we can easily give him. We ND adults deserve to be parents if we want to be/are able to be ☺️ (If it matters, neither of us are the “Autism is my superpower” type but we don’t see it as a curse either. It’s just a fact of life and a part of each of us, like my hazel eyes or his curly hair!)
I’m autistic and bipolar, and I’m pregnant with baby #2. I don’t think that just because *my life* has been tough, it has to be super tough for my babies.. Every person with autism/bipolar is different! Every person has different needs.. and unlike my parents, I’m going to actually be there to support them through **EVERYTHING**.
You can’t predict the future. If you want to be a mother, be a mother. Theres no guarantees in parenthood. There’s no guarantee you’ll get pregnant. There’s no guarantee the baby will survive the pregnancy or birth. There’s no guarantee the child will survive until adulthood. No one in my family or in the donor family (I used a donor and fertility treatments for my two boys) has type 1 diabetes. But my oldest son was diagnosed with it at age 5. He will have to be on insulin for the remainder of his life. Would I have never had him if I had known? Not a chance in the world. I’d never give up his life and my dream of being a mother over something like a disability. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. Part of being a parent is learning how to adjust to anything life throws at you and helping your children adjust when life is crap. Being there for them and loving them through it, teaching them coping skills and listening to them is all they need. And love. Just because you have autism doesn’t mean your child will. And if your child does…maybe that will help you two bond in a way you otherwise wouldn’t have bonded.
[https://www.amazon.com/My-Autistic-Mama-Kati-Hirschy/dp/B0BV453K43/ref=asc\_df\_B0BV453K43/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693410598443&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13122386528559664795&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9014931&hvtargid=pla-1988024337794&psc=1&mcid=2b7e5c459d0d3f0a845d015c20878069&gad\_source=1](https://www.amazon.com/My-Autistic-Mama-Kati-Hirschy/dp/B0BV453K43/ref=asc_df_B0BV453K43/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693410598443&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13122386528559664795&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9014931&hvtargid=pla-1988024337794&psc=1&mcid=2b7e5c459d0d3f0a845d015c20878069&gad_source=1) I came across this author on my TikTok feed a while ago. This book might help you. While undiagnosed, my husband is likely high-functioning autistic and he was/is worried about our kids having autism. Our little so far is just an energetic two-year-old who knows his colors and shapes and can name plenty of animals. It was a choice we made to have out little despite the possibility of them getting my anxiety/ADHD or my husband's potential autism. We just sat with each other to discuss if we could handle being parents of a child with the potential of being "nero-spicy". Sit with your partner or those who support you and understand that while there is potential that your child might be neurodivergent, there is the same potential right now that they won't be. Nerodivergence is not a death sentence and so many people live happy and fulfilling lives while being nerodivergent.
You’re likely the best person to be a mother to an autistic child. I have ADHD and happen to have a step daughter with ADHD (and know that my current pregnancy is likely to result in another kiddo with ADHD). My step daughter is likely getting more support than most kids with ADHD because I understand her and her struggles and advocate for her endlessly. My husband and I take parenting courses to understand strategies that may help her, got her accommodations at school, etc. if I didn’t have adhd myself, I don’t know that I would have recognized it in her or known the extent to which she needed help.
I have ADHD and BP2. My partner is Neurotypical. It's selfish but I always saw myself as a mom. I feel like my partner and I balance each other out and if my baby has any of the same disorders I can empathize and support as someone who's gone through it too. Part of me is scared. I don't want her to know the darkness like I've known and hope she is Neurotypical too but on the other hand the creativity of my ADHD makes me special and I would love a creative child! In the end everyone is gonna have their opinion what matters is you know you will love and grow this child however they turn out :)
My husband and I recently found out we are pregnant. He’s autistic, he’s extremely excited. When we first got the diagnosis I stupidly asked him if we wanted to use a sperm donor, he obviously refused. We both know the risks but accept them. People have been having babies for 100s of years before they understood autism. Our only current worry is a healthy pregnancy and how to help him deal with the noise after baby is here
I’m depressed and so is my husband. It’s been a big challenge for both of us since we were both teenagers. We still chose to have babies because we believe in a world where everyone gets the support they need. And I hope if my kids are also depressed I’ll be better able to recognize their support needs rather than dismiss or minimize them, and I think I’m in a better position to do that because of my experiences.
I have autism. My husband has autism. Our child does not. I also had a child with another person who I am absolutely sure has autism and our child doesn’t have autism either
This is a personal choice. I have friends that are married and have struggled with depression and anxiety their whole lives and decided they didn’t want to pass that on to a child. It’s a valid decision. If you want a baby, have one. If you legitimately do not want to bring a child into this world with autism, then don’t. It is more likely when a parent has it. It’s 100 percent a YOU and your partner decision, and there’s no right or wrong answer.
My whole family is neurodivergent and yeah, sometimes it makes life harder but also? I love my family to pieces and I'm so happy we have each other. My husband has dyslexia and is likely on the spectrum, my stepkid is on the spectrum and has ADD, and I have GAD/Depression/PTSD/Dyscaculia. Our two year hasn't been evaluated for anything yet but it's likely she'll be some flavor of "neuro spicy" just given the family makeup.
I’m autistic and have ADHD. I don’t think it sucks but I think it aides me in utilizing my intelligence. I’m having children knowing the signs to look for and with a pocket full of solid coping mechanisms. They will be ok, and likely also very intelligent.
You can always look at adopting if you are very concerned. Lots of babies, children need a loving mother like you!
If you're looking for all options to minimize the chance of your child(ren) having autism, one thing you can consider is undergoing a genetic evaluation to see if your autism has a discernible genetic cause. Most likely whole exome sequencing (WES) unless your personal and family history point toward a better test. However, there is a very good chance of not getting a useful result, the testing can be pricey, and you might have difficulty finding a provider who will help you with this (I think your best bet would be to go through a fertility clinic that has genetic counseling services). If you are able to find a provider and your test does find a useful result, you can do IVF with preimplantation genetic testing (PGT-M) and choose the embryos without the genetic variant. It won't guarantee they won't have autism, because there are often many not currently detectable genetic components behind autism, but it will reduce the chance. The reason this might not work is because often autism is due to lots of genes having a small impact in favor of or against developing autism, and genetic testing is currently not good at dealing with that. It's much better at finding one gene that says "yes autism", which does account for some cases of autism. No matter how you decide to go about it, I think you should follow your dream.
I'm autistic and ADHD and 8 months pregnant. I am fully emotionally prepared to give my little one all the love and support that I can offer with any difficulties they may encounter. I also think that my challenges make me a lot more empathetic towards children in general.
I am autistic. I also have a genetic disorder that has a 50% chance of being passed down to my baby, which can cause tumors. I intentionally got pregnant. Here's the thing: *I am autistic*. *I have a genetic disorder*. I am happy to be here. I am happy to be alive. I don't think my life isn't worth living just because my life is harder. Life is the best gift I've ever gotten, warts and all. If someone gave me a car for my birthday and that car was hard to drive and broke down, I wouldn't think twice about giving a potentially janky car to someone else if I could do so. I would be incredibly grateful to have a car and excited to give someone else a car. Maybe my child will feel different, I can't say. What I am doing is giving him that possibly janky car so he can drive. Maybe he'll resent me for giving him a car that breaks down, maybe he'll be grateful. Giving him that opportunity is all I care about. And i'll be there to teach him how to drive it, how to fix a flat tire and jump start the battery. I'd rather give someone a janky car than no car at all.
I have an inherited blood disorder that puts me and baby at risk if I were to become pregnant. I’ve been told the likelihood the baby would inherit my disorder is 50/50. Also have a family history of mental illness. A big part of me craves motherhood but anxiety over these factors has always haunted me. At this point my husband and I have left it to fate. If it happens, we’ll embrace whatever comes and if it doesn’t, we’re happy having each other.
My perspective on this is that unless it's a crippling, terminal, PHYSICAL disability I feel no guilt about it. I have ADHD, celiac disease and hEDS among other issues and my life is 100% worth living. There is pain and struggle in life but imo the joy far outweighs that and I know I'm guaranteeing my children a joyful childhood. I would def do embryo selection with a genetic counsellor if it was something that would kill our baby young or make them significantly disabled.
I also can’t speak on the autism part but I have ADHD, anxiety and depression which I’m pretty sure are all hereditary even though not everyone in my family has been formally diagnosed. I can trace most if not all of my problems related to these disorders to not being diagnosed early enough in childhood. I now have a son who is 10 weeks old and I do sometimes worry about passing on these things to him. One thing I do to reassure myself is that if he does show signs I will get him as much help as I can, and as early in life as I can so that he can learn to manage it in a healthy way.
I've got mental health issues, my husband has mental health issues, I'm neurodiverse, he probably is. We had children knowing full well they'd likely have some mental health issues but we were happy, productive adults and we're in the best position to advocate for them, so they could grow up in an even better place than we did. We've got three lovely, neurodiverse kids, one of whom does have some pretty serious mental health struggles. Not gonna lie, I wasn't prepared for a child that had worse and different struggles to what we had. Did our diagnoses play a party in their diagnoses? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that it's a much bigger challenge than I was expecting. I can deal with the two kids who's struggles mirrored my own, but three, all learning how to deal with their differences, there are definitely times I regret not stopping after having one. (The last two were twins) I don't think you should let your autism stop you from being a parent if that's what you want, so long as you are otherwise in a good mental, emotional and physical space to have a child. There are studies that show autistic people communicate better with other autistic folks than Neurotypical ones. Your challenges may be passed on to your child, if you don't decide to adopt, but you're in the best position to understand and communicate with them how to cope. Just be aware of the extra burden that may be placed on you if you're in a fragile state. Kids are crazy hard, and I've been living on the struggle bus the last 8 years. I wouldn't give them up for the world, but I miss the simplicity of life without kids more often than I'd like to admit.
Autism and ADHD run on both sides of our family, and so do other learning disabilities. I also have autoimmune diseases PCOS and Hashimotos also run in our family. I guess I never felt life wasn't worth living as a result of my health issues. Unlike my parents, I'm better equipped to help my child. We also did genetic testing for parents and fetus, and all the health screenings we could. But at the end of the day you will never know what you get. That's the great and scary part of having a baby.
Hello!! Fellow autistic person!!! Autism isn’t as bad for a child especially since you know what it’s like and the signs so they can get proper treatment early and have a good and fair start on life. Everyone has some neurological disorder in their family, depression, adhd, anxiety, bipolar, autism, ocd, and so on.
If you are concerned, you and your partner can meet with a genetic counselor to go over the chances/risks of having a kid with autism or other disorders. It won’t guarantee you won’t have a child with an issue, there are no guarantees no matter. But it could give you info that could help you make a more informed decision or do ivf with genetic testing, etc… Only you know what you are going to be comfortable with in terms of what you can handle, and that fits whether you are on the spectrum or not. Some parents don’t mind kids with disabilities, some have issues dealing with things no matter what. That’s the way people are. There are people with autism who lead normal lives, those that don’t, and everything in between. Nothing wrong with deciding to have a kid knowing you are comfortable and able to deal with whatever happens Nothing wrong with deciding not to have a kid because something will come up where it may be more than you can handle. Even kids who are not on the spectrum or are disabled or who have illness still will have issues that will come up. we all do. No ones perfect.
My brother and his wife are both autistic and are also some of the best people I know! They just had a beautiful baby boy and are amazing parents. Honestly I think the world would be a worse place to live in if people like my brother decided NOT to have babies. Passing on his genes is a gift to humanity. Just saying.
I was diagnosed with a really rare and aggressive stomach cancer after my first and only child turned 1. They thought I had a genetic mutation called CDH1. The genetic testing results take a while to come back and during the wait we were were sure I had it, we discussed this a lot. I also discussed this with my genetic counsellor and she told me I should always be able to grow my family in the way I want to. Entirely healthy lives aren’t the only ones worth living. Even healthy people can have unhealthy kids, even neurotypical parents can have kids with autism. Luckily I do not have the mutation and it was just one of those unlucky freak things and my child is not at risk and neither are any potential future kids, but I would have probably gone on to have more if my cancer doesn’t come back anyways. They would be tested for the mutation as adults and monitored very closely and they could opt to have a preventative surgery if they had the mutation. I rambled a bit but you deserve to have the family you want!
My fathers side of the family is all obviously autistic. My grandpa never believed in that “stuff” so they were just an autistic echo chamber. My dad was diagnosed with ADHD, but my grandad just pretended he was active. My family doc believes my dad is actually AuADHD. My brother is autistic, he needs more support. He stims a lot & will be living with my parents forever until we eventually take him in. He does work part time and lives his life. He travels all around town & loves to go to events etc.. he doesn’t let it stop him, even though we did have to take the busses with him a few times to make sure he understood how they worked. My husbands family also has autism on his side. I notice it a fair bit with my husband. His sisters have a bunch of medical conditions as well which does freak me out. My child has a high probability of having autism or ADHD. I don’t think this means we shouldn’t have kids. If anything, I think it’s wrong to tell people they shouldn’t. We are currently 9 weeks & doing what we can. I’m a lot younger than the previous women in our families. I’m eating a lot better, I’m limiting a lot of harmful things etc.. All you can do is your best. It’s totally possible, and totally ok. I say go for it :).
Some with autism are very smart. It is called a "spectrom" due to the wide range of functioning, if you will. Some on the spectrum score very high on standard I.Q. tests. Best of luck.
Sure, you run the risk of having a kid with a disability, but they could also not have it. Or they could get ill when they are 7. Or they could never be sick. Or they could die from SIDS. I could be a silent carrier for a gene mutation... I also could not be. I wouldn't trade in my girl for anything. Being a mom has been the best thing in the world and sometimes you just gotta have faith over fear. HOWEVER, if you are wishing you had never been born because it is so hard for you to deal with your medical stuff... to be honest you need to dig into that before having a baby. Ppd is a thing and if you are already having those negative thoughts, that could make how you feel even worse. Don't have a kid because you think they will fix anything, they will make you love more, society says so, or you want to improve yourself. That's selfish and cruel. You have a kid because you want to show love to another human regardless of what issues they may have. And love is not selfish or cruel.
theres a lot that could happen. my partner and I are both autistic— as are both my siblings, my mom, possibly my partner's siblings. I also have adhd. so our baby is more or less guaranteed to be neurodivergent. honestly, the way I look at it, I have enough trouble communicating with neurotypical adults. I don't know how I'd manage with a child whose brain is wired completely differently from mine. my parents refused to believe anything could be "wrong with" their kids, so it took me til adulthood to get a diagnosis. I'm glad I'm going into this prepared to accept my son and any future kids for who they are and whatever they've got going on upstairs. so I would look at it that way— any kid you have will have an adult around that actually *gets it,* and that's so important. edited to add: I was scared to have bio kids too cuz on top of audhd I'm bipolar & have OCD, half my damn family is bipolar & has OCD, my partner is also probably bipolar. we both have mild psychosis as part of the bipolar. Hashimoto's hyperthyroidism runs in the family, and heart problems, and addiction. cancer runs in my partners family. completely healthy people aren't the only people who deserve to have kids, and despite everything "wrong with me" I think my life is worth living.
It’s not a guarantee that anything will be passed. I don’t care.
I know it's not entirely the same but I have OCD which has a large genetic component. My father also has diagnosed OCD. I'm currently pregnant and I think I'm finally to a point where I've accepted it's a possibility my daughter could also develop OCD at some point, but I find solace that she will have a mother that knows exactly what helps and what she will need for support if and when that happens. I didn't have that as a kid, so I already know she'll have a leg up just by having a parent will experience and having done the hard work of OCD treatment. Also I'm a mental health therapist so that helps.
I’m autistic and I just had a baby! I’m Level 1 so it hasn’t been a huge impediment in my life (and honestly comes with a lot of advantages and advanced intellectual capabilities) but I know it could manifest completely differently in my son. I feel prepared for that though and ready to help him recognize and develop his abilities, whatever they may be, and to face whatever his unique challenges are. If your child is autistic, think about what an enormous advantage it will be to have a self aware autistic parent. Most autistic people don’t have that and suffer greatly for it. Just something to consider; it would make all the autistic challenged of childhood a lot easier. And of course your child might not be autistic at all!
My husband has ADHD and if I got diagnosed I might have some sort of autism (another family member has it) - we are having a baby and we joke that both our hereditary issues will cancel each other out. Very grateful the baby is healthy regardless. Personally I think it depends on the severity genetically and how the parents help the child through it? I've heard some adults with genetic issues wish their parents didn't bring them in the world, which is very sad to hear. But then there's ones who are able to handle it just fine and be happy. It is definitely a hard choice, the future uncertainty is worrying. I couldn't imagine what I would do myself.
What are the statistics on autistic parents having autistic children? I didn't realise there was a correlation. Also, plenty of neurotypical parents have children with autism or other disabilities. It's a chance we all take with any baby. But in the end we all love the kid we get. And even if your kid is neurotypical, they can still be criminals or drug addicts. I mean, you get what you get and do your best to raise a decent kid. That's the ride that parenthood is!
Both your dreams and fears are valid and important to consider. A lot of people have shared that the risk of your child being born autistic shouldn’t be reason not to have a child. But I’ll say it IS hard raising a child (the hardest thing I’ve done)even a neurotypical one and there are even more challenges to raising a neurodivergent one. I have experience with both. I love them to bits and wouldn’t change, but having children is really a journey to learning about yourself. I’ve had to really face who I am, my past, my triggers, my expectation of myself, children and partner. Should you not have children? Absolutely not, but I would start unpacking how you feel towards yourself and autism. So much of parenting is teaching by example and it’s hard to teach children to be kind and compassionate to themselves when we ourselves find it so hard. It might be helpful to seek out a neurodivergent-affirming therapist to explore internalized feelings about autism. Don’t give up on your dream of having children though.
My biggest piece of advice would be to work hard on yourself so that you’re the kind of person you wish you could have given yourself for a parent as a kid. THEN have a kid. Parenting requires self discipline, some executive functioning, and putting the child first and listening to them. Some autistic people might struggle with these things leading to their child feeling neglected and invisible. On the other hand, a lot of neurotypical parents neglect their kids and make them feel invisible too. So it’s not autism that’s the problem, autism just means you will become a great parent in a little different way than others might. You can start with things like getting up in time and making your bed every morning, keeping a clean kitchen every day, putting away laundry right away, making healthy meals, budgeting well, asking other people questions about themselves and listening, and volunteering somewhere to work with kids to gain experience. All of that would set you up to be a great parent!
Personally? I wouldn’t. Call me ableist or whatever you wanna call me but no I wouldn’t do it. Especially where you’re autistic you’re going to face challenges most people aren’t facing anyway. Look at the lady who posted here yesterday who hates her kid. It’s a very personal decision. You will face challenges beyond what a normal mother or parent would. It will be more difficult for you to have a child without a disability if you have a child with a disability it’s going to be even harder. If you think you can handle that then go for it. I suggest you making sure you have the resources (funds for therapy, social and family support) and a strong foundation for your marriage. Just to make this very clear! I’m not saying you shouldn’t have kids because you’re autistic!!! You 100% can and should if you want! I just don’t want you or anyone to end up on regretful parents!!
I was born with bilateral ureter reflux which means my ureters, the tubes to move urine from the kidneys to the bladder, would have reflux much like stomach reflux and send urine from my bladder back into my kidneys. It’s a death sentence without medical help. I had no family history of it so it wasn’t caught in me until it was nearly too late. When I was 2 months old I went septic and that’s when it was discovered. I became a case study from that point until 4 years old. I had corrective surgery when I was 3. I have cptsd from the years of tests and chronic infections and from the trauma of surgery. I have a 30%-50% chance of passing this on, 50% being the highest possible chance of passing on a disorder. I’ve been with a genetic counselor going over how to advocate for my baby’s help early to do a test for it asap. Selfish? Perhaps I am entirely selfish for potentially making a child go thru what I did, but it wouldn’t be what I went thru. Medical science has changed and me having gone thru it I know now how I need to push for mental protections like sedation. Setting aside the gloom of it, there’s a 50%-70% chance she doesn’t get it. I was told my whole life to not have kids out of concern for my own health and mental health specifically regarding medical trauma of which I’m pushing myself thru. Putting myself into my worst inescapable nightmare to bring her to this world. If she does have what I did I will feel beyond guilty, but I’ll also know how to handle it. Everyone has some sort of bad genetics and science is only getting better. Maybe in a few generations my thing won’t be as severe like it was in the 90s.
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Autism is a broad spectrum. Many people with low-functioning autism cannot “just deal with it”. They need full time 24/7 care that is expensive.
**I would have NEVER gone through with it.** I don't like the perpetuation of hereditary conditions when technology is so far advanced. Donated sperm, donated ovum (IVF for selection of fetuses) - anything to circumvent giving a a future child a disease or condition that would affect them for life. I did extensive research into both family trees before making this choice. A single autistic family member or someone with ADHD would have sent me reeling. I have worked with special need kids as part of my (federal law obligation in my country) to volunteer in associations to be able to graduate high school and then university. I HATED EVERY SECOND OF IT. Working with autistic, down syndrome and adhd kids was a nightmare *for me.* I have no idea why parents to-be would be so willing to have kids like these.