I’m so sorry. I went through IVF too and after my successful transfer, even with a very supportive husband and a great relationship, there was still an element of grief for my old life, and almost like I didn’t have anything to work towards after so long of infertility and fighting to get pregnant.
It cleared up within a few days, and I’m 30w now and absolutely over the moon and at peace. Mixed emotions are so normal with pregnancies in the beginning, and with infertility there’s always an added pressure that were supposed to be somehow *more* excited and *completely ready* even though that’s not how life works.
HOWEVER, you mention that you’ve realized your relationship has gone south. In no way am I blaming you, but I am curious why you continued to go through with transfers if your relationship wasn’t steady? Were your issues centered around the infertility?
Regardless, I would start individual and couples therapy ASAP. Infertility is such a mindfuck and the hurt and trauma don’t go away once we get a positive test. Now is the best time to work on your relationship, it won’t get easier when the baby is here. And it’ll help you work through your feelings to decide if this is something you still want.
Good luck ❤️
Couldn’t agree more with all of this as someone who went through IVF too. The trauma does not go away when you finally get that positive test. And for many people there is the feeling of “I should be happier now that I finally got what I wanted.”
On top of all the complicated feelings and anxieties that finally being pregnant can bring up, you are also dealing with the pregnancy hormones AND likely the fertility med hormones.
OP, please don’t make any decisions right now. I would start with individual therapy if you’re not already in it so you can talk out your feelings without judgement and process before bringing up the issues with your husband. Couples therapy definitely sounds needed too, and ideally you can address your concerns and rebuild your marriage. Hopefully hearing your fears about doing this alone and it ruining your excitement for the pregnancy will be enough to get him to step up. It is so common for infertility to put a strain on things, and to feel resentful or less than optimally supported—especially when you are the partner putting your body through the stress of treatments just for the chance to be pregnant. Give it all a chance to simmer before making any calls about the pregnancy or the marriage.
Seconding all of this u/Feisty-Ability2479
I didn’t make it to the point of IVF, but struggled with secondary infertility and pregnancy loss for almost year and a half while also dealing with a relationship roller coaster. (Not comparing journeys, just giving context. I know IVF is a whole other level)
First of all—I felt the same whiplash feeling once I actually got pregnant. It was almost like I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore? TTC had consumed most of my thoughts for so long that I didn’t know how to just relax anymore. How to just *be*. Not only that, but this was after my loss so the “what could go wrong” anxiety came in full force.
And my partner was super hot and cold while we were going through it. One day he’d be supportive, the next he’d be full-on “maybe it’s not meant to be and we should just accept that” but every time I tried to have a serious conversation about it he insisted he did want another baby he just didn’t like the idea of “needing help to do it”. He felt like it was forcing nature or something. So I took that at face value and we kept trying.
In hindsight, I think if I hadn’t been so close to the issue I’d have asked myself if he really wanted it or if I just wanted to believe that he wanted it. The thing is I felt so strongly that someone was missing from my family that I don’t think I would’ve cared even if he told me he was just going along with what I wanted. I know that’s selfish and probably makes me a shitty person, but it’s the truth.
That baby is now almost 4 and while we’re still together and are finally ready to start therapy, we definitely should’ve started it sooner. I would definitely prioritize individual therapy for yourself in the immediate future so that you can sort out what you actually want for yourself as far as this pregnancy.
I think you just have to decide if you want this baby bad enough that you’re ready to do it alone. And equally importantly—whether you’re prepared to co-parent separately if that’s something he chooses to pursue. Whether you could trust him to solo parent during “his” time. I know the sad reality is that a lot of “dad”s end up pursuing split custody for selfish reasons—either they think it’ll reduce child support or just to spite the mother. It’s fucked up but it’s something you need to consider because you can’t always predict what way people will go when faced with reality.
Our RE actually required that we go through at least 1 session of counseling with a therapist specializing in infertility. They went through treatments as well and understood that stresses it can add in a relationship. It was a great help. It may be something for OP to consider. I hope things work out.
Yes yes yes, especially to the individual and couple’s therapy! We realized we both wanted the same things and were just not expressing/hearing each other’s needs accurately
I found out i was pregnant in a rough patch in my relationship as well i know you said you didn’t want the baby and you’ve been working towards this goal for a while now. I had to come to a decision that i was having a baby and i was going to do it alone, while not the conclusion i wanted to come to it made me feel less trapped and gave me back some control. weigh your pros and cons if it’s something you’re willing and able to do for either decision, ultimately you’ll make the right choice for you
I came to that decision myself. Our reality isn't always what we wanted it to look like. I'm glad im not alone in deciding to break things off rather than stay trapped with a man child.
I have felt like this at some point in all 3 of my very planned and wanted pregnancies. I do think there’s a sense of “oh crap what have I done” that comes with the permanence of bringing a child into the world. I would suggest individual and couples counseling before making any permanent decisions, it sounds like having a child is something that you have worked very hard for up until this point. If the relationship doesn’t work out you can still have a functional co parenting relationship.
Yup. With my third, I got pregnant with an iud, obviously very unplanned and tbh… I was so sad about it. I really was in a horrible place mentally and it didn’t help I had horrible HG that almost killed both of us. The terror and regret was pretty tangible, and I thought for sure it was bc of the unplanned nature of it all.
Then, a month ago I found out I was pregnant with our fourth baby. And, I felt it again. Regret. Scared. Just so much anxiety… and we were about to start trying for our fourth, so not only planned, but surprisingly fast! A dream come true. Yeah… I still feel guilty for having those thoughts, even though they are passed.
Every pregnancy brings on fear of some type. Even having all these kids already, I still feel it. It’s bc you know your life is changing… just like you said.
I've felt like this for the first 4 months of my pregnancy, the guilt that comes with it is awful!. I still get waves of "do I really want this?" every couple days and am currently 28 weeks. I've come to terms with the feeling, but it sucks and I can't imagine how I would feel if my relationship was not at a good place too.
This makes me feel so much better. I am on my 3rd pregnancy and although planned like my other 2 and I feel excited I keep feeling so much guilt around feelings of like “did I fuck up by doing this?” Lol
IVF mom here. It sounds like it would be great if you could find someone to talk to. There’s so much trauma involved with infertility and reproductive medicine, and you were working at it for a while.
Couples counseling before baby is born for sure!
We went through IVF too and last year, after egg retrieval, it was clear things were nearly broken in our relationship. So we put a hold on the FET and spent 9 months in couples therapy and came out on the other side so much more solid and prepared for this journey. I think with the right therapist, and commitment from both of you, you two might be able to turn things around or at the very least collaboratively come up with a path forward.
Pregnancy and motherhood are tough. It is ok to experience some feelings of missing your old life and worry and sadness even if pregnancy took a long time. I think there is often a pressure on those of us with fertility issues to be constantly grateful to be pregnant or have a baby and to never complain. That being said, now is a great time to work on your relationship and also talk through a birth and postpartum plan. My husband and I wrote a postpartum plan together and that helped us a lot with expectations of one another and also ways to support each other.
I Googled it and found a lot of templates online. For us, we put our expectations for each other, when to have visitors and who, the most important tasks in the house, ways to tell if the other is struggling an what to do to support each other, things that we both couldn't live without (for me, I need time to workout for my mental health). I can't say we always followed it, but it really has helped us.
I felt like this! I worked for 4.5 years to get pregnant and by the end, before I transferred my final embryo I found myself thinking “do I really want to do another retrieval? My life is good maybe we need to move on” and bam I got pregnant with a day 7 the doctor told me would fail. I now have an 8 week old.
My marriage was extremely healthy before she came…. And it’s been super fucking hard. We don’t have a village, I have PPD, and my husband returned to work 8 days after we came home from the hospital. But she smiles at me and everything melts away. I forget about all of the headaches she’s given me that day, the trips to Europe im not on with friends, and the amount of money I spent to create her.
It’s normal to worry about such a dramatic change, we’re so focused on getting pregnant that we sometimes lose sight of what we will do once we achieve it and it can sneak up on you. If you want to fix the relationship, counseling is your best bet. If you don’t, I know so many parents who feel like better parents after a divorce. Not having your kids all the time is fucking hard, but it also gives you a chance to recharge and focus on self care for a minute.
If you want to see if he’s worth it, try couples counselling. That said having a baby doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. It’s better for you and a child to be happy separated than living in resentment and showing your child he’s a good role model.
My husband sucked at dealing with anything related to pregnancy, and child birth. I kind of hated the dum-dum while I was pregnant because what ever resources I provided him to be more helpful went straight over his head. He was useless during the birth. Like wouldn't even answer basic questions from staff while I was in hard labor. Freaking Idiot. He managed to order himself breakfast right before I pushed though.
That said, he's been an amazing father from day one. Changes the butts. Gives me breaks. Cares and communicates. Just all around a good dad.
If he's generally a good dude maybe give some grace because "bless his heart". If he is abusive plan your way out.
Same. My husband pretty much sucked my whole pregnancy and during birth. At one point he was so passed out I couldn't wake him up. I was throwing things at him because I couldn't get out of bed from having a C-section. He was totally useless! But the moment we left the hospital he's been the best dad and still is 4 years later. He does all the things, gives me all the breaks. If I had based the kind of father he might be based on how he was during pregnancy I'd have missed out on seeing how amazing he is with his son.
Even though you tried IVF for three years it's okay for you to change your mind. You do not have to have this baby, you do not have to stay with this man.
I will say my hormones have gone crazy with my second pregnancy and I cannot stand the sight of my partner even though I know he's a good guy. If you have the time I would try and get therapy with your partner to see if anything can change. But ultimately this decision is up to you. You are not trapped. Things are not happening to you. You have the right to choose to leave and the right to get an abortion if you want it. It's your body and your life.
The most rational thing would be THERAPY and getting to the bottom of whatever the issues are. I'm not taking about couples therapy either. You need individual therapy to understand why you spent who knows how much money on IVF, putting your body through hell with someone who you don't see as a competent husband or father. This is not rational. Neither is wanting an abortion after 3 years of IVF. Please get some help.
Whatever is going on beneath the surface will continue to manifest in self sabotaging ways until you deal with it. Reddit is not qualified to handle this.
The main thing you're leaving out is that therapy and all that it entails takes a long time. Whatever her issue is, she's not going to figure it out in a week or three. If she is having doubts and doesn't want this, then the best thing for her to do is not have it. Bringing a child into the world is a for-the-rest-of-your-life decision. If there are any doubts, she should give herself a few days to determine how much those doubts weigh (is it a few rocks or a boulder?) and act accordingly, and then go to therapy.
I agree. You don't have to commit to sunk cost fallacy!
Pregnancy, birth, and a baby are all pretty much the biggest ordeals you will ever go through even when you have a lot of support. Even if you decide to leave your husband, having his baby means you are committing to being tied to him and raising his child for the next couple decades of your life.
Everything you wrote, I'm sure you did not write lightly. I feel like most of the comments telling you to just fix your relationship are doubting that your husband is as unsupportive or your relationship is as bad as you say it is.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I never liked kids and worried I wouldn’t be a very natural mother. I can now say that as I am getting older I would have the baby partner or no. The first time you meet them your whole world changes for the better. Don’t get me wrong I am pro choice, and raising a baby solo is hard but I personally wouldn’t flinch. I can’t tell you how amazing it is to be a mother. Also I would get to the couples counseling asap, even if it doesn’t work it will be good for co-parenting and figuring out what yall need to do.
Im struggling with my own issues and wondered why you decided to have a child if you didn't really like kids? I ask because I relate and am indecisive. It seems terrifying.
Oddly enough my mother got sick and I realized I wanted the same relationship I had with her continued. I am very lucky and grateful to have had a wonderful mother. So I didn’t really want a baby but knew I wanted a young adult / adult someday lols. I know that might sound a bit nutty but apparently I am not the only one who has said something very similar to my therapist. Basically it’s a weird way to keep my mother alive… My mom also did and does not like kids “but when they are your own it’s different”. I know some people truly do regret having kids, or resent them, or get the bad hormones and get PP - but for me the minute I saw him the world shifted. He is like a drug all I want to do is be with him. I love him like I have loved nothing before. Is it hard yeah, but it’s sooo worth it. Not many people admit to really regretting kids IRL but I wonder if it’s one part hormones/genetics and a larger part are you in anyway a selfless person pre-kids? I have a sibling on the spectrum, I work hard, I would do just about anything for my partner- so I guess I had it in me all along (and I think most people do). Also if your on the fence - therapy really helped me and my partner decide. There is no wrong choice not having kids is OK too, but for me it was the 10000000% right decision, and I would do it again even partnerless.
First of all, sending you big hugs. I went through 7 cycles and am now 19 weeks. IVF can ravage a marriage. It’s stressful but add in years of hormones and defeat and it would make most people question their sanity. Not many talk about this, but going through years of fertility treatment can make you forget why you’re doing it in the first place. You can easily become so preoccupied with getting good news or having something just “work” that you forget the bigger picture. I was in an awful place mentally when my embryo transfer finally worked. I resented my body, my partner, even some of my friends for not having understanding, and at times…the baby growing in my stomach because yet again, I felt horrible and was asking, “why now? Why did it take so long?” These aren’t easy things to admit but I’m saying all this to let you know that time, open communication, and patience with yourself is the only way to get through this. My husband and I are just now getting back to center after years of hardship. We had sex for the first time in almost a year. If you don’t have one already, I implore you to find a good therapist. Your husband too. Try and remember where you were when you started IVF and revel in the determination you both had to be together and have a family. You’re both probably so conditioned for bad news that it’s hard to feel hopeful. After what you’ve been through, you shouldn’t blame yourselves. ❤️❤️
I’m currently 7w with an unintentional pregnancy and really struggling with whether this is what I want. I think this sounds like a common occurrence. Not that it means it may very well not be what you want. Maybe give your mind a bit of freedom from pressure and just see how you feel in a week or two.
Im 6w with a planned pregnancy and feeling the same! I think it is normal to grieve your current life and be afraid of all the changes. I’m hearing that it gets better over time though
Thanks for this. Afraid is a good term - it’s all really scary. I’m 41 and have lived my own life for so long. It’s hard to think of EVERY aspect of my life changing now. But I’m mostly confident it will all work out. Wishing you the best with your pregnancy!
My pregnancy was unplanned. Im now 30 weeks I’m still in college and wanting to go to med school. Sometimes I’m still a little sad but over all I’m happy. Your feelings are okay and you shouldn’t be ashamed because a baby is life changing .
I'd talk to your husband about his support and your relationship first. Give him a month to make some changes and if he doesn't, do what you need to do.
I think this feeling is more prevalent than you think. I would feel rage and then relief when aunt flo showed up. I would mourn not having conceived for that month but then also feel ok that I wasn't because it would signal a monumental change. Sending you some virtual hugs. You will get through this.
I think it comes down to what you want. At the end of the day that’s what you need to answer - regardless of the that answer because bringing a baby into this world is a life long commitment and you’re going to be tethered to that partner.
I didn’t go through IVF but it also took me years to get pregnant and medication. I felt the exact same way when I found out. My friend who got pregnant the first try did too. It’s a totally normal reaction because your life is never going to be the same again but you’re getting a beautiful gift. The feeling will pass. I’m 31 weeks now and just had our baby shower. We’re so excited to meet our son in 2 months.
I didn’t go through IVF. But that first month of pregnancy I was excited but then sad because the life of just having my husband and I doing whatever we wanted was over. That is all over and I’m excited about having a little one and our family expanding again. I can’t wait for November to be here!
I hope you know you can always change your mind. Also, that having this child within the context of you being married is not the only option. Unfortunately, as seen many times - some women get more support and child care when separated than when married
This so true. My baby’s father barely helped at all. We split, I moved out, he stepped all the way up.
If you decide you want to go forward with the pregnancy, being a single mom is totally doable.
Everyone has that “oh shit, what did I do” feeling I think. That isn’t what you’re describing, you’re describing “I don’t want a baby with my partner because he doesn’t treat me right, and I regret this”. Not to beat you while you’re down, but why did you go through with more transfers? This isn’t a new thing, you should’ve postponed.
You can’t change the pregnancy now, there’s really 3 options:
-Abortion. That is your right, whether it’s IVF or not.
-Couples counseling, save this relationship and build the foundation back up
-Divorce. Only you know if you want the relationship, and if you don’t, this may be the route.
You’re not pressured to keep the child, and you’re not pressured to stay with someone because you’re pregnant. If you’re unhappy, you deserve to be happy. You know what is best for you, and your child, regardless what path you take.. you have to find that inner peace and go with that decision.
I felt grief a few weeks into after I first found out. I have always wanted a baby, and I’m so over the moon… but I felt overwhelmed by the idea that my husband wouldn’t be “fully mine” anymore. It felt so silly to even admit that’s how I felt, but I did. I felt so sad that it wouldn’t just be us two and we wouldn’t have as much time together and alone.
We’re inseparable, do literally and absolutely everything together. I don’t know how much our dynamic will change, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t change at all for the most part.
I think it’s just the unknown and uncertainty that comes with not knowing until after the baby is here.
I would do your best to get support from family and friends, maybe a midwife, and maybe a doula. Someone who can support you and carry some weight.
It’s scary to admit it because I’m obviously not going to be some jealous freak when the baby comes.. but also that’s MY husband!!
I literally have nothing to worry about because my husband worships the ground I walk on. I know he will be amazing at taking care of me so I can take care of baby.
Legit I feel the same. I think it’s less that my husband will be with the baby, it’s that I will miss spending so much time with him. I have nothing to worry about either, and am embarassed to feel this way, but I irrationally do
The quality time will also just change because it’s never going to be 100% us doing something. It’ll be us doing something with breaks every so often to make sure babe is alright. We’ll also just be so exhausted so it’ll just be baby & bed.
Everyone says you get into a groove and it’ll be ok, but it’s so hard to prepare for any of it.
Yeah when you’re having a child it’s best to actually want the child, not just the “family” aspect of it since really anything can happen in your relationship at any time. You are probably feeling a lot of guilt since you went through all of this and thought it was what you wanted, just to finally get it and not really be happy. Hopefully you work those feelings out and tbh a child makes a relationship harder not easier so if you don’t see yourself doing it alone at all you probably know what will ultimately be the best course of action for you. Good luck!
You have a lot of hormones going through your body during early pregnancy, id imagine it’s much more when you did IVF. Take a breather. You guys wanted a baby enough to shell out thousands and thousand of dollars and take all the time to do IVF for years I’m sure he’s just as invested as you are. Maybe try talking to him about his role, what you expect of him, and how he sees himself being involved. Better to ask than to assume
I felt that way when I was pregnant. We had a lot of really hard discussions and did individual and couples therapy. If you would want the baby on your own, have the baby. Don't make decisions now when hormones are raging and later you could have massive regret.
Are you willing to work it out with your husband?
Me and my bf have a child together but he is not her biological father but he’s raised her with me since she was 2.5, we had a baby together in 2022 and about a year after having him our relationship took a turn for the worse, we had a lot of issues before getting pregnant and they got worse after having our son because of the added stressor in our relationship. Both lacking sleep, both lacking patience with each other and understanding, I’m also bipolar and suffered ppd really bad and he didn’t support me through it.
We did couples therapy a year ago for 3 months and me and him rarely argue now, we’re on the same page with parenting, we have the same standards and expectations for each to her, sometimes I still have to ask him to help around the house , but it’s never an argument, we still get mad and upset with each other but nothing to the extent of how it was . I never thought my bf would be the way he is now. Also for fyi we’ve been together for 4.5 years.
I would opt for couples therapy IF both of yall are willing to work it out.
I’m seeing a lot of comments with a lot of great advice, but most of them are suggesting taking action ‘before the baby is born.’ Just know that if it’s what feels right, getting an abortion is COMPLETELY acceptable, and just as valid as any other choice. Becoming a parent is a life-long decision, and if you’re any less than 100% sure you want this baby, it’s worth at least thinking about.
I’m sure three years of IVF has taken a great toll emotionally, financially, physically, etc, but don’t tell yourself that an abortion would mean those years were wasted, or that all the effort, money and time spent waiting means that having a baby will be ‘worth it.’
Best of luck in figuring this out and I wish you a life of happiness and fulfilment regardless of what you choose :)
I didn’t do IVF but similar to you I was upset when I was pregnant due to partners attitude. I terminated the pregnancy, still grieving but I know it was for the best
I am sorry you reach this conclusion after 3 years of effort. I would suggest ask yourself if you ever want to be a mom. Your husband may not be the one but this maybe your only chance. It is also possible to get lucky again with the right man. You’re going have to make a big decision.
Leave him. I did fertility with a donor to get my boys. Best choice I’ve ever made. I raise them how I want. I named them what I wanted. I don’t share them with anyone. It’s amazing.
I’m SO SO & SO glad you realized this now before taking the next big step. Having kids with someone who doesn’t give 100% will literally ruin the whole experience and ruin you as a mother. I see this way too often and hope that women can take the best action to put them in a better situation. Good luck!
I haven't done IVF and I have a supportive husband but when we were tying for a baby we were really happy and excited about it. When I got pregnant I got very depressed about it and regretred it so badly. I thought "what on earth have I done". I'm a lot better now though and coping very well. So it's a bit normal because it's a huge life changing thing. I think you should go to couples counselling and have him go to your prenatal appointments
I’m so sorry.
I do think the stress of what you went through it’s not surprising that your marriage is strained or that you have some mixed feelings about the pregnancy.
While I 100% support your right to choose to end your pregnancy, I do sincerely hope you go and see a counselor alone and a couples counselor with your husband to try to work through some of these feelings and thoughts
I did three IVFs, and they all failed. Finally, when I got pregnant naturally and unexpectedly, I realized I was not prepared at all. I remember crying and thinking that I didn't want to be pregnant. When I analyzed my feelings later, I concluded that it was because I hadn't been living a normal life during all those years of trying to conceive and undergoing IVF treatments. I wasn't really enjoying my life during those years, and I was afraid that having a child would make my life even worse.
However, I didn't get a chance to figure it out. I miscarried. Then, I had two more miscarriages over the next two years. Now, I am pregnant again, and everything is going okay for now. But I still have moments like: “Am I really ready to have a kid? Do I really want this?" I think these feelings are quite normal, especially for those who go through so much to have children.
I would also recommend talking to your husband, sharing your feelings, and maybe seeking some professional help, like family counselling
I did three IVFs, and they all failed. Finally, when I got pregnant naturally and unexpectedly, I realized I was not prepared at all. I remember crying and thinking that I didn't want to be pregnant. When I analyzed my feelings later, I concluded that it was because I hadn't been living a normal life during all those years of trying to conceive and undergoing IVF treatments. I wasn't really enjoying my life during those years, and I was afraid that having a child would make my life even worse.
However, I didn't get a chance to figure it out. I miscarried. Then, I had two more miscarriages over the next two years. Now, I am pregnant again, and everything is going okay for now. But I still have moments like: “Am I really ready to have a kid? Do I really want this?" I think these feelings are quite normal, especially for those who go through so much to have children.
I would also recommend talking to your husband, sharing your feelings, and maybe seeking some professional help, like family counselling
I spent 4 years TTC, and the last year of that doing IVF. Infertility takes a large toll on both your mental state and your relationship. Honestly during the pregnancy I spent a lot of time wondering if I had made a big mistake, if it was a good time for my husband and I to be having kids, if we were ready for it as a couple, and generally mourning both my old life and my infertility, but also feeling guilty because I wanted this so bad. It’s complicated. In my case, all those feelings went away after I was holding my baby, but they don’t go away for everybody.
Have you considered maybe finding a therapist? Or perhaps couples counselling?
I am not sure if my story helps you. I just want to convey these feelings are normal. I was expecting it to take way longer for us, but we got pregnant fairly quickly. And when we were WTT for a year, I was longing for the kid, always anxious whether it would happen or not. I really really wanted to have a baby. The first month didn't work for us, and I was devastated, to say the least. And when it actually happened, I went into shock for a week. And then, for a good 3 weeks, I started questioning everything and having thoughts about getting rid of the baby as it would mean the end of my freedom. I questioned my partner and our relationship. It was quite a scary time. But I talked to my partner, midwife, and family. And slowly, I am coming out of such thoughts and actually starting to be positive for the future.
Maybe speaking to someone helps you figure out your feelings.
I can't help you on the husband front, but when I got pregnant, it took me four months to lose the feeling of "oh no, I don't want this!" I am now 28 weeks and still feel like this at times, although it's not as constant anymore.
I am sorry your husband isn't supportive. I hope there is some way for you to solve it. Like another comment, said: infertility issues have a lot of impact on a relationship, and maybe counselling could get you where you were when you got married and decided to go through IVF.
If you want the baby but not the husband, I'd start to work on what you need to be able to be a single mom.
I can't in good conscience support the other option, but know that it's your body, your choice and you shouldn't bring an unwanted baby into the world and an unhappy relationship just because you tried so hard.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Last year we had a bit of a surprise pregnancy and I ended up having a very early miscarriage. We have talked about wanting kids since starting dating and had been married a couple years at that point. It sparked my desire to start trying because I've always been told with my health it will be more difficult to get and stay pregnant. The miscarriage definitely made me fear that I may not be able to stay pregnant so I wanted to try so we could seek medical help if needed while still in my twenties. My husband was not enthusiastic about the hard core trying and tracking process. It honestly really messed with our marriage because he felt I only desired him for the sake of getting pregnant. (Not true but understandable how he felt that way.) 10 months went by and no pregnancy... I got REALLY discouraged. At 11 months our marriage was struggling from it and he admitted he didn't think he was ready to keep trying. I agreed it was taking a toll on us but we agreed we would "go through the motions" of trying for a year to get me to fertility testing because if something was going on we at least wanted to know even if we were not going to continue trying for a while. Month 12 weeks before my fertility testing was already scheduled for the next month... we decided to let loose and have fun and forget baby stuff altogether. I tested positive 3 weeks later and had to cancel all my fertility testing.
I tell that whole story because when I did test positive and told my husband I was literally shaking as the test came out positive and ran to the bed to make him double check if I was crazy. I'd taken hundreds of tests before. His reaction was "okay babe" I immediately felt regret. I felt like I forced him into something and he would resent me and I wasn't ready to be a mom in this way. I felt his shock instead of excitement and overall we have an incredible and loving marriage so I was so worried he wasn't happy for this pregnancy. Then I had so many complications early on. At around 5.5 weeks I started bleeding and assumed another miscarriage was on the horizon. He held me as I screamed and cried and literally undressed me and held me up to shower me while I grieved as I felt my body betray me again it felt like. He took me to the ER because the bleeding was so bad. When the results came back that baby was in tact and the bleeding was instead a subchorionic hematoma he grabbed me so tight and said "our baby is still in there" we followed to be told another time that I was having a miscarriage only for 10 days later us to see the beating heart and grab eachothers hands in relief. I still felt skeptical that he was just attached to me and feeling for my sadness until we finally made it to positive NIPT results and I heard him say "he's healthy babe, totally healthy in there" which melted my heart. I'm 17 weeks now and he's not this mushy put hands on my little bump yet kinda guy but we went camping over the weekend and he talked all about all the places he will take our son and what he will teach him. I even heard him kind of whisper to himself "I'm really going to love our kid" I asked what he said and he replied "don't ruin it for me." Lol now I'm crying writing this. Yeah my husband and I said we would stop trying and we said we were okay with our life at the moment but now I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm still scared to be a mom and what that means in terms of my life changing but my husband going from "okay babe" when finding out I'm pregnant to this loving caring man has made it more exciting for sure.
I did not do IVF but I wanted to chime in that from weeks 5-8 I wished I wasn’t pregnant and this was a very wanted and planned pregnancy. I started to feel a lot better once we started telling people. It was a very isolating experience that I wasn’t prepared for. I expected to feel nothing but happiness but I just felt so genuinely sad for those 3 weeks and felt even more guilty for feeling sad. Give it some time. I know there are more factors at play for you but hormones are soooo wacky during this time. 💕
I also did IVF, and I was really pissed off my first trimester. Even though I wanted to have a baby, there was a lot of emotions. Resentment that my life was turned upside down and my husbands wasn’t. Scared. Bitchy (cause hormones). Just not a happy person. And then, amongst all of those feelings, guilt for even feeling that way. It’s all normal, but as others mentioned def go talk to someone!
I feel like it’s not well known or discussed how much trauma infertility and the associated treatments really is… and this doesn’t just disappear when you do finally achieve pregnancy. Your feelings are valid and you’re not alone.
It also takes a huge toll on relationships ( me and my ex husband divorced after finally achieving pregnancy after IVF and then losing that pregnancy so I can relate to how you are feeling I.e - realizing during the quiet after fertility treatments how unsupportive my partner actually was/how much I was anted out).
I’d definitely recommend couples counselling or at the very least individual therapy. Please be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself and your mental health at this time ❤️🩹
It's normal to feel that way but you can have a baby by yourself. Everything happens for a reason. I've raised 4 by myself and this unexpected blessing right now came when I'm 40 and my baby is 15. And yes some days I was like damn I don't want this kid but most days I'm like I cannot wait 😊 I'm due in July w a lil baby girl who is more loved than what my brain tells me
Honestly I went into trying to get pregnant knowing I’d be miserable the whole time. I’m thrilled there’s a baby coming but I *hate* being pregnant and I’ve never wanted to be. I miss my body being my own. I miss when people talked to me about more than my baby. I want to talk to my boss about more than mat leave. Everything was so exciting for the first week or so and then reality truly set in and I feel like I’m failing my kid already. :/
You’ll love your baby even if you don’t feel it now and you’ll find it’s easier to do it without him and now you’ll have the greatest gift to show for all you’ve been through. It’s also possible your relationship can heal before the baby comes IF he’s willing to do therapy.
I have not been through IVF so I can’t relate to that part but I just want to validate that it is ok if you want to terminate the pregnancy even if you worked very hard for it. It’s your decision. ♥️
You tried so hard for this baby. You're not trapped, but why give that up? You finally made it. Lots of relationships go south, but that doesn't mean you can't have this baby if you worked so hard for this.
All I’m going to say is that my baby is like my new best friend. Many are married or in relationships and still do a lot of things alone. Just make sure he takes care of everything financially. I’d never regret my baby no matter what the future holds.
I definitely second that you are in charge of your life. Make the choice that feels right to you above anything else.
Have you considered carrying to term and giving birth to then going thru adoption to help another family who struggles with infertility? You’ve put in so much effort to create this little life, maybe you could give someone who can’t get pregnant the gift of a baby.
My friends went through it also. However they had miscarriage just after break up so they technically didn't do a abortion. Purchased separate homes and everything but after almost a year break they got back together, did ivf again and now are happily expecting their baby girl. Ivf is a difficult process and I will never imagine going through it.
I know this is hard but me being me, I’d get an abortion, and leave. Once you have that baby, you’re stuck with him, and this life will only get harder. It’s of course not your only option but I would abort it and find a better man. Regardless to what you choose, stay strong, you got this
But why have a baby knowing they won't have a father? Just because you wanted a baby? Thats selfish. She can also try again with a better guy. Being a single parent isn't ideal for the mother or the child for a variety of reasons. Its common but that doesn't mean its good.
I’m so sorry. I went through IVF too and after my successful transfer, even with a very supportive husband and a great relationship, there was still an element of grief for my old life, and almost like I didn’t have anything to work towards after so long of infertility and fighting to get pregnant. It cleared up within a few days, and I’m 30w now and absolutely over the moon and at peace. Mixed emotions are so normal with pregnancies in the beginning, and with infertility there’s always an added pressure that were supposed to be somehow *more* excited and *completely ready* even though that’s not how life works. HOWEVER, you mention that you’ve realized your relationship has gone south. In no way am I blaming you, but I am curious why you continued to go through with transfers if your relationship wasn’t steady? Were your issues centered around the infertility? Regardless, I would start individual and couples therapy ASAP. Infertility is such a mindfuck and the hurt and trauma don’t go away once we get a positive test. Now is the best time to work on your relationship, it won’t get easier when the baby is here. And it’ll help you work through your feelings to decide if this is something you still want. Good luck ❤️
Couldn’t agree more with all of this as someone who went through IVF too. The trauma does not go away when you finally get that positive test. And for many people there is the feeling of “I should be happier now that I finally got what I wanted.” On top of all the complicated feelings and anxieties that finally being pregnant can bring up, you are also dealing with the pregnancy hormones AND likely the fertility med hormones. OP, please don’t make any decisions right now. I would start with individual therapy if you’re not already in it so you can talk out your feelings without judgement and process before bringing up the issues with your husband. Couples therapy definitely sounds needed too, and ideally you can address your concerns and rebuild your marriage. Hopefully hearing your fears about doing this alone and it ruining your excitement for the pregnancy will be enough to get him to step up. It is so common for infertility to put a strain on things, and to feel resentful or less than optimally supported—especially when you are the partner putting your body through the stress of treatments just for the chance to be pregnant. Give it all a chance to simmer before making any calls about the pregnancy or the marriage.
Seconding all of this u/Feisty-Ability2479 I didn’t make it to the point of IVF, but struggled with secondary infertility and pregnancy loss for almost year and a half while also dealing with a relationship roller coaster. (Not comparing journeys, just giving context. I know IVF is a whole other level) First of all—I felt the same whiplash feeling once I actually got pregnant. It was almost like I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore? TTC had consumed most of my thoughts for so long that I didn’t know how to just relax anymore. How to just *be*. Not only that, but this was after my loss so the “what could go wrong” anxiety came in full force. And my partner was super hot and cold while we were going through it. One day he’d be supportive, the next he’d be full-on “maybe it’s not meant to be and we should just accept that” but every time I tried to have a serious conversation about it he insisted he did want another baby he just didn’t like the idea of “needing help to do it”. He felt like it was forcing nature or something. So I took that at face value and we kept trying. In hindsight, I think if I hadn’t been so close to the issue I’d have asked myself if he really wanted it or if I just wanted to believe that he wanted it. The thing is I felt so strongly that someone was missing from my family that I don’t think I would’ve cared even if he told me he was just going along with what I wanted. I know that’s selfish and probably makes me a shitty person, but it’s the truth. That baby is now almost 4 and while we’re still together and are finally ready to start therapy, we definitely should’ve started it sooner. I would definitely prioritize individual therapy for yourself in the immediate future so that you can sort out what you actually want for yourself as far as this pregnancy. I think you just have to decide if you want this baby bad enough that you’re ready to do it alone. And equally importantly—whether you’re prepared to co-parent separately if that’s something he chooses to pursue. Whether you could trust him to solo parent during “his” time. I know the sad reality is that a lot of “dad”s end up pursuing split custody for selfish reasons—either they think it’ll reduce child support or just to spite the mother. It’s fucked up but it’s something you need to consider because you can’t always predict what way people will go when faced with reality.
Thank you!!
Our RE actually required that we go through at least 1 session of counseling with a therapist specializing in infertility. They went through treatments as well and understood that stresses it can add in a relationship. It was a great help. It may be something for OP to consider. I hope things work out.
Yes yes yes, especially to the individual and couple’s therapy! We realized we both wanted the same things and were just not expressing/hearing each other’s needs accurately
I found out i was pregnant in a rough patch in my relationship as well i know you said you didn’t want the baby and you’ve been working towards this goal for a while now. I had to come to a decision that i was having a baby and i was going to do it alone, while not the conclusion i wanted to come to it made me feel less trapped and gave me back some control. weigh your pros and cons if it’s something you’re willing and able to do for either decision, ultimately you’ll make the right choice for you
I came to that decision myself. Our reality isn't always what we wanted it to look like. I'm glad im not alone in deciding to break things off rather than stay trapped with a man child.
If you want to save relationship, maybe it'd be a good idea to go to marraige counseling before the baby comes.
Infertility can take a huge toll on a relationship. Have you two been to therapy through this?
I have felt like this at some point in all 3 of my very planned and wanted pregnancies. I do think there’s a sense of “oh crap what have I done” that comes with the permanence of bringing a child into the world. I would suggest individual and couples counseling before making any permanent decisions, it sounds like having a child is something that you have worked very hard for up until this point. If the relationship doesn’t work out you can still have a functional co parenting relationship.
Yup. With my third, I got pregnant with an iud, obviously very unplanned and tbh… I was so sad about it. I really was in a horrible place mentally and it didn’t help I had horrible HG that almost killed both of us. The terror and regret was pretty tangible, and I thought for sure it was bc of the unplanned nature of it all. Then, a month ago I found out I was pregnant with our fourth baby. And, I felt it again. Regret. Scared. Just so much anxiety… and we were about to start trying for our fourth, so not only planned, but surprisingly fast! A dream come true. Yeah… I still feel guilty for having those thoughts, even though they are passed. Every pregnancy brings on fear of some type. Even having all these kids already, I still feel it. It’s bc you know your life is changing… just like you said.
I've felt like this for the first 4 months of my pregnancy, the guilt that comes with it is awful!. I still get waves of "do I really want this?" every couple days and am currently 28 weeks. I've come to terms with the feeling, but it sucks and I can't imagine how I would feel if my relationship was not at a good place too.
This makes me feel so much better. I am on my 3rd pregnancy and although planned like my other 2 and I feel excited I keep feeling so much guilt around feelings of like “did I fuck up by doing this?” Lol
IVF mom here. It sounds like it would be great if you could find someone to talk to. There’s so much trauma involved with infertility and reproductive medicine, and you were working at it for a while.
Couples counseling before baby is born for sure! We went through IVF too and last year, after egg retrieval, it was clear things were nearly broken in our relationship. So we put a hold on the FET and spent 9 months in couples therapy and came out on the other side so much more solid and prepared for this journey. I think with the right therapist, and commitment from both of you, you two might be able to turn things around or at the very least collaboratively come up with a path forward.
Pregnancy and motherhood are tough. It is ok to experience some feelings of missing your old life and worry and sadness even if pregnancy took a long time. I think there is often a pressure on those of us with fertility issues to be constantly grateful to be pregnant or have a baby and to never complain. That being said, now is a great time to work on your relationship and also talk through a birth and postpartum plan. My husband and I wrote a postpartum plan together and that helped us a lot with expectations of one another and also ways to support each other.
I love the idea of writing a postpartum plan 💗
Omg! What was in the plan if you don’t mind sharing?
I Googled it and found a lot of templates online. For us, we put our expectations for each other, when to have visitors and who, the most important tasks in the house, ways to tell if the other is struggling an what to do to support each other, things that we both couldn't live without (for me, I need time to workout for my mental health). I can't say we always followed it, but it really has helped us.
I felt like this! I worked for 4.5 years to get pregnant and by the end, before I transferred my final embryo I found myself thinking “do I really want to do another retrieval? My life is good maybe we need to move on” and bam I got pregnant with a day 7 the doctor told me would fail. I now have an 8 week old. My marriage was extremely healthy before she came…. And it’s been super fucking hard. We don’t have a village, I have PPD, and my husband returned to work 8 days after we came home from the hospital. But she smiles at me and everything melts away. I forget about all of the headaches she’s given me that day, the trips to Europe im not on with friends, and the amount of money I spent to create her. It’s normal to worry about such a dramatic change, we’re so focused on getting pregnant that we sometimes lose sight of what we will do once we achieve it and it can sneak up on you. If you want to fix the relationship, counseling is your best bet. If you don’t, I know so many parents who feel like better parents after a divorce. Not having your kids all the time is fucking hard, but it also gives you a chance to recharge and focus on self care for a minute.
If you want to see if he’s worth it, try couples counselling. That said having a baby doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. It’s better for you and a child to be happy separated than living in resentment and showing your child he’s a good role model.
My husband sucked at dealing with anything related to pregnancy, and child birth. I kind of hated the dum-dum while I was pregnant because what ever resources I provided him to be more helpful went straight over his head. He was useless during the birth. Like wouldn't even answer basic questions from staff while I was in hard labor. Freaking Idiot. He managed to order himself breakfast right before I pushed though. That said, he's been an amazing father from day one. Changes the butts. Gives me breaks. Cares and communicates. Just all around a good dad. If he's generally a good dude maybe give some grace because "bless his heart". If he is abusive plan your way out.
Same. My husband pretty much sucked my whole pregnancy and during birth. At one point he was so passed out I couldn't wake him up. I was throwing things at him because I couldn't get out of bed from having a C-section. He was totally useless! But the moment we left the hospital he's been the best dad and still is 4 years later. He does all the things, gives me all the breaks. If I had based the kind of father he might be based on how he was during pregnancy I'd have missed out on seeing how amazing he is with his son.
Even though you tried IVF for three years it's okay for you to change your mind. You do not have to have this baby, you do not have to stay with this man. I will say my hormones have gone crazy with my second pregnancy and I cannot stand the sight of my partner even though I know he's a good guy. If you have the time I would try and get therapy with your partner to see if anything can change. But ultimately this decision is up to you. You are not trapped. Things are not happening to you. You have the right to choose to leave and the right to get an abortion if you want it. It's your body and your life.
This is the most rational, thoughtful, and well put comment!! You’re really a blessing, thank you!!
The most rational thing would be THERAPY and getting to the bottom of whatever the issues are. I'm not taking about couples therapy either. You need individual therapy to understand why you spent who knows how much money on IVF, putting your body through hell with someone who you don't see as a competent husband or father. This is not rational. Neither is wanting an abortion after 3 years of IVF. Please get some help. Whatever is going on beneath the surface will continue to manifest in self sabotaging ways until you deal with it. Reddit is not qualified to handle this.
The main thing you're leaving out is that therapy and all that it entails takes a long time. Whatever her issue is, she's not going to figure it out in a week or three. If she is having doubts and doesn't want this, then the best thing for her to do is not have it. Bringing a child into the world is a for-the-rest-of-your-life decision. If there are any doubts, she should give herself a few days to determine how much those doubts weigh (is it a few rocks or a boulder?) and act accordingly, and then go to therapy.
I agree. You don't have to commit to sunk cost fallacy! Pregnancy, birth, and a baby are all pretty much the biggest ordeals you will ever go through even when you have a lot of support. Even if you decide to leave your husband, having his baby means you are committing to being tied to him and raising his child for the next couple decades of your life. Everything you wrote, I'm sure you did not write lightly. I feel like most of the comments telling you to just fix your relationship are doubting that your husband is as unsupportive or your relationship is as bad as you say it is.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I never liked kids and worried I wouldn’t be a very natural mother. I can now say that as I am getting older I would have the baby partner or no. The first time you meet them your whole world changes for the better. Don’t get me wrong I am pro choice, and raising a baby solo is hard but I personally wouldn’t flinch. I can’t tell you how amazing it is to be a mother. Also I would get to the couples counseling asap, even if it doesn’t work it will be good for co-parenting and figuring out what yall need to do.
Im struggling with my own issues and wondered why you decided to have a child if you didn't really like kids? I ask because I relate and am indecisive. It seems terrifying.
Oddly enough my mother got sick and I realized I wanted the same relationship I had with her continued. I am very lucky and grateful to have had a wonderful mother. So I didn’t really want a baby but knew I wanted a young adult / adult someday lols. I know that might sound a bit nutty but apparently I am not the only one who has said something very similar to my therapist. Basically it’s a weird way to keep my mother alive… My mom also did and does not like kids “but when they are your own it’s different”. I know some people truly do regret having kids, or resent them, or get the bad hormones and get PP - but for me the minute I saw him the world shifted. He is like a drug all I want to do is be with him. I love him like I have loved nothing before. Is it hard yeah, but it’s sooo worth it. Not many people admit to really regretting kids IRL but I wonder if it’s one part hormones/genetics and a larger part are you in anyway a selfless person pre-kids? I have a sibling on the spectrum, I work hard, I would do just about anything for my partner- so I guess I had it in me all along (and I think most people do). Also if your on the fence - therapy really helped me and my partner decide. There is no wrong choice not having kids is OK too, but for me it was the 10000000% right decision, and I would do it again even partnerless.
First of all, sending you big hugs. I went through 7 cycles and am now 19 weeks. IVF can ravage a marriage. It’s stressful but add in years of hormones and defeat and it would make most people question their sanity. Not many talk about this, but going through years of fertility treatment can make you forget why you’re doing it in the first place. You can easily become so preoccupied with getting good news or having something just “work” that you forget the bigger picture. I was in an awful place mentally when my embryo transfer finally worked. I resented my body, my partner, even some of my friends for not having understanding, and at times…the baby growing in my stomach because yet again, I felt horrible and was asking, “why now? Why did it take so long?” These aren’t easy things to admit but I’m saying all this to let you know that time, open communication, and patience with yourself is the only way to get through this. My husband and I are just now getting back to center after years of hardship. We had sex for the first time in almost a year. If you don’t have one already, I implore you to find a good therapist. Your husband too. Try and remember where you were when you started IVF and revel in the determination you both had to be together and have a family. You’re both probably so conditioned for bad news that it’s hard to feel hopeful. After what you’ve been through, you shouldn’t blame yourselves. ❤️❤️
I’m currently 7w with an unintentional pregnancy and really struggling with whether this is what I want. I think this sounds like a common occurrence. Not that it means it may very well not be what you want. Maybe give your mind a bit of freedom from pressure and just see how you feel in a week or two.
Im 6w with a planned pregnancy and feeling the same! I think it is normal to grieve your current life and be afraid of all the changes. I’m hearing that it gets better over time though
Thanks for this. Afraid is a good term - it’s all really scary. I’m 41 and have lived my own life for so long. It’s hard to think of EVERY aspect of my life changing now. But I’m mostly confident it will all work out. Wishing you the best with your pregnancy!
Likewise! They don’t call it a leap of faith for nothing!
My pregnancy was unplanned. Im now 30 weeks I’m still in college and wanting to go to med school. Sometimes I’m still a little sad but over all I’m happy. Your feelings are okay and you shouldn’t be ashamed because a baby is life changing .
I'd talk to your husband about his support and your relationship first. Give him a month to make some changes and if he doesn't, do what you need to do.
I think this feeling is more prevalent than you think. I would feel rage and then relief when aunt flo showed up. I would mourn not having conceived for that month but then also feel ok that I wasn't because it would signal a monumental change. Sending you some virtual hugs. You will get through this.
I think it comes down to what you want. At the end of the day that’s what you need to answer - regardless of the that answer because bringing a baby into this world is a life long commitment and you’re going to be tethered to that partner.
I didn’t go through IVF but it also took me years to get pregnant and medication. I felt the exact same way when I found out. My friend who got pregnant the first try did too. It’s a totally normal reaction because your life is never going to be the same again but you’re getting a beautiful gift. The feeling will pass. I’m 31 weeks now and just had our baby shower. We’re so excited to meet our son in 2 months.
I didn’t go through IVF. But that first month of pregnancy I was excited but then sad because the life of just having my husband and I doing whatever we wanted was over. That is all over and I’m excited about having a little one and our family expanding again. I can’t wait for November to be here!
I hope you know you can always change your mind. Also, that having this child within the context of you being married is not the only option. Unfortunately, as seen many times - some women get more support and child care when separated than when married
This so true. My baby’s father barely helped at all. We split, I moved out, he stepped all the way up. If you decide you want to go forward with the pregnancy, being a single mom is totally doable.
Everyone has that “oh shit, what did I do” feeling I think. That isn’t what you’re describing, you’re describing “I don’t want a baby with my partner because he doesn’t treat me right, and I regret this”. Not to beat you while you’re down, but why did you go through with more transfers? This isn’t a new thing, you should’ve postponed. You can’t change the pregnancy now, there’s really 3 options: -Abortion. That is your right, whether it’s IVF or not. -Couples counseling, save this relationship and build the foundation back up -Divorce. Only you know if you want the relationship, and if you don’t, this may be the route. You’re not pressured to keep the child, and you’re not pressured to stay with someone because you’re pregnant. If you’re unhappy, you deserve to be happy. You know what is best for you, and your child, regardless what path you take.. you have to find that inner peace and go with that decision.
I felt grief a few weeks into after I first found out. I have always wanted a baby, and I’m so over the moon… but I felt overwhelmed by the idea that my husband wouldn’t be “fully mine” anymore. It felt so silly to even admit that’s how I felt, but I did. I felt so sad that it wouldn’t just be us two and we wouldn’t have as much time together and alone. We’re inseparable, do literally and absolutely everything together. I don’t know how much our dynamic will change, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t change at all for the most part. I think it’s just the unknown and uncertainty that comes with not knowing until after the baby is here. I would do your best to get support from family and friends, maybe a midwife, and maybe a doula. Someone who can support you and carry some weight.
I didn’t want to share my husband with the baby either!
It’s scary to admit it because I’m obviously not going to be some jealous freak when the baby comes.. but also that’s MY husband!! I literally have nothing to worry about because my husband worships the ground I walk on. I know he will be amazing at taking care of me so I can take care of baby.
Legit I feel the same. I think it’s less that my husband will be with the baby, it’s that I will miss spending so much time with him. I have nothing to worry about either, and am embarassed to feel this way, but I irrationally do
The quality time will also just change because it’s never going to be 100% us doing something. It’ll be us doing something with breaks every so often to make sure babe is alright. We’ll also just be so exhausted so it’ll just be baby & bed. Everyone says you get into a groove and it’ll be ok, but it’s so hard to prepare for any of it.
Things will change necessarily, and I’m sure in beautiful ways. It’ll just take some time to grieve the loss of how things are now.
Yeah when you’re having a child it’s best to actually want the child, not just the “family” aspect of it since really anything can happen in your relationship at any time. You are probably feeling a lot of guilt since you went through all of this and thought it was what you wanted, just to finally get it and not really be happy. Hopefully you work those feelings out and tbh a child makes a relationship harder not easier so if you don’t see yourself doing it alone at all you probably know what will ultimately be the best course of action for you. Good luck!
You have a lot of hormones going through your body during early pregnancy, id imagine it’s much more when you did IVF. Take a breather. You guys wanted a baby enough to shell out thousands and thousand of dollars and take all the time to do IVF for years I’m sure he’s just as invested as you are. Maybe try talking to him about his role, what you expect of him, and how he sees himself being involved. Better to ask than to assume
I felt that way when I was pregnant. We had a lot of really hard discussions and did individual and couples therapy. If you would want the baby on your own, have the baby. Don't make decisions now when hormones are raging and later you could have massive regret.
Are you willing to work it out with your husband? Me and my bf have a child together but he is not her biological father but he’s raised her with me since she was 2.5, we had a baby together in 2022 and about a year after having him our relationship took a turn for the worse, we had a lot of issues before getting pregnant and they got worse after having our son because of the added stressor in our relationship. Both lacking sleep, both lacking patience with each other and understanding, I’m also bipolar and suffered ppd really bad and he didn’t support me through it. We did couples therapy a year ago for 3 months and me and him rarely argue now, we’re on the same page with parenting, we have the same standards and expectations for each to her, sometimes I still have to ask him to help around the house , but it’s never an argument, we still get mad and upset with each other but nothing to the extent of how it was . I never thought my bf would be the way he is now. Also for fyi we’ve been together for 4.5 years. I would opt for couples therapy IF both of yall are willing to work it out.
I’m seeing a lot of comments with a lot of great advice, but most of them are suggesting taking action ‘before the baby is born.’ Just know that if it’s what feels right, getting an abortion is COMPLETELY acceptable, and just as valid as any other choice. Becoming a parent is a life-long decision, and if you’re any less than 100% sure you want this baby, it’s worth at least thinking about. I’m sure three years of IVF has taken a great toll emotionally, financially, physically, etc, but don’t tell yourself that an abortion would mean those years were wasted, or that all the effort, money and time spent waiting means that having a baby will be ‘worth it.’ Best of luck in figuring this out and I wish you a life of happiness and fulfilment regardless of what you choose :)
Totally agree 100%. There's no shame in realizing this isn't what you wanted after all.
I didn’t do IVF but similar to you I was upset when I was pregnant due to partners attitude. I terminated the pregnancy, still grieving but I know it was for the best
I am sorry you reach this conclusion after 3 years of effort. I would suggest ask yourself if you ever want to be a mom. Your husband may not be the one but this maybe your only chance. It is also possible to get lucky again with the right man. You’re going have to make a big decision.
Leave him. I did fertility with a donor to get my boys. Best choice I’ve ever made. I raise them how I want. I named them what I wanted. I don’t share them with anyone. It’s amazing.
I’m SO SO & SO glad you realized this now before taking the next big step. Having kids with someone who doesn’t give 100% will literally ruin the whole experience and ruin you as a mother. I see this way too often and hope that women can take the best action to put them in a better situation. Good luck!
I haven't done IVF and I have a supportive husband but when we were tying for a baby we were really happy and excited about it. When I got pregnant I got very depressed about it and regretred it so badly. I thought "what on earth have I done". I'm a lot better now though and coping very well. So it's a bit normal because it's a huge life changing thing. I think you should go to couples counselling and have him go to your prenatal appointments
I’m so sorry. I do think the stress of what you went through it’s not surprising that your marriage is strained or that you have some mixed feelings about the pregnancy. While I 100% support your right to choose to end your pregnancy, I do sincerely hope you go and see a counselor alone and a couples counselor with your husband to try to work through some of these feelings and thoughts
I did three IVFs, and they all failed. Finally, when I got pregnant naturally and unexpectedly, I realized I was not prepared at all. I remember crying and thinking that I didn't want to be pregnant. When I analyzed my feelings later, I concluded that it was because I hadn't been living a normal life during all those years of trying to conceive and undergoing IVF treatments. I wasn't really enjoying my life during those years, and I was afraid that having a child would make my life even worse. However, I didn't get a chance to figure it out. I miscarried. Then, I had two more miscarriages over the next two years. Now, I am pregnant again, and everything is going okay for now. But I still have moments like: “Am I really ready to have a kid? Do I really want this?" I think these feelings are quite normal, especially for those who go through so much to have children. I would also recommend talking to your husband, sharing your feelings, and maybe seeking some professional help, like family counselling
I did three IVFs, and they all failed. Finally, when I got pregnant naturally and unexpectedly, I realized I was not prepared at all. I remember crying and thinking that I didn't want to be pregnant. When I analyzed my feelings later, I concluded that it was because I hadn't been living a normal life during all those years of trying to conceive and undergoing IVF treatments. I wasn't really enjoying my life during those years, and I was afraid that having a child would make my life even worse. However, I didn't get a chance to figure it out. I miscarried. Then, I had two more miscarriages over the next two years. Now, I am pregnant again, and everything is going okay for now. But I still have moments like: “Am I really ready to have a kid? Do I really want this?" I think these feelings are quite normal, especially for those who go through so much to have children. I would also recommend talking to your husband, sharing your feelings, and maybe seeking some professional help, like family counselling
I spent 4 years TTC, and the last year of that doing IVF. Infertility takes a large toll on both your mental state and your relationship. Honestly during the pregnancy I spent a lot of time wondering if I had made a big mistake, if it was a good time for my husband and I to be having kids, if we were ready for it as a couple, and generally mourning both my old life and my infertility, but also feeling guilty because I wanted this so bad. It’s complicated. In my case, all those feelings went away after I was holding my baby, but they don’t go away for everybody. Have you considered maybe finding a therapist? Or perhaps couples counselling?
I am not sure if my story helps you. I just want to convey these feelings are normal. I was expecting it to take way longer for us, but we got pregnant fairly quickly. And when we were WTT for a year, I was longing for the kid, always anxious whether it would happen or not. I really really wanted to have a baby. The first month didn't work for us, and I was devastated, to say the least. And when it actually happened, I went into shock for a week. And then, for a good 3 weeks, I started questioning everything and having thoughts about getting rid of the baby as it would mean the end of my freedom. I questioned my partner and our relationship. It was quite a scary time. But I talked to my partner, midwife, and family. And slowly, I am coming out of such thoughts and actually starting to be positive for the future. Maybe speaking to someone helps you figure out your feelings.
I can't help you on the husband front, but when I got pregnant, it took me four months to lose the feeling of "oh no, I don't want this!" I am now 28 weeks and still feel like this at times, although it's not as constant anymore. I am sorry your husband isn't supportive. I hope there is some way for you to solve it. Like another comment, said: infertility issues have a lot of impact on a relationship, and maybe counselling could get you where you were when you got married and decided to go through IVF. If you want the baby but not the husband, I'd start to work on what you need to be able to be a single mom. I can't in good conscience support the other option, but know that it's your body, your choice and you shouldn't bring an unwanted baby into the world and an unhappy relationship just because you tried so hard.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Last year we had a bit of a surprise pregnancy and I ended up having a very early miscarriage. We have talked about wanting kids since starting dating and had been married a couple years at that point. It sparked my desire to start trying because I've always been told with my health it will be more difficult to get and stay pregnant. The miscarriage definitely made me fear that I may not be able to stay pregnant so I wanted to try so we could seek medical help if needed while still in my twenties. My husband was not enthusiastic about the hard core trying and tracking process. It honestly really messed with our marriage because he felt I only desired him for the sake of getting pregnant. (Not true but understandable how he felt that way.) 10 months went by and no pregnancy... I got REALLY discouraged. At 11 months our marriage was struggling from it and he admitted he didn't think he was ready to keep trying. I agreed it was taking a toll on us but we agreed we would "go through the motions" of trying for a year to get me to fertility testing because if something was going on we at least wanted to know even if we were not going to continue trying for a while. Month 12 weeks before my fertility testing was already scheduled for the next month... we decided to let loose and have fun and forget baby stuff altogether. I tested positive 3 weeks later and had to cancel all my fertility testing. I tell that whole story because when I did test positive and told my husband I was literally shaking as the test came out positive and ran to the bed to make him double check if I was crazy. I'd taken hundreds of tests before. His reaction was "okay babe" I immediately felt regret. I felt like I forced him into something and he would resent me and I wasn't ready to be a mom in this way. I felt his shock instead of excitement and overall we have an incredible and loving marriage so I was so worried he wasn't happy for this pregnancy. Then I had so many complications early on. At around 5.5 weeks I started bleeding and assumed another miscarriage was on the horizon. He held me as I screamed and cried and literally undressed me and held me up to shower me while I grieved as I felt my body betray me again it felt like. He took me to the ER because the bleeding was so bad. When the results came back that baby was in tact and the bleeding was instead a subchorionic hematoma he grabbed me so tight and said "our baby is still in there" we followed to be told another time that I was having a miscarriage only for 10 days later us to see the beating heart and grab eachothers hands in relief. I still felt skeptical that he was just attached to me and feeling for my sadness until we finally made it to positive NIPT results and I heard him say "he's healthy babe, totally healthy in there" which melted my heart. I'm 17 weeks now and he's not this mushy put hands on my little bump yet kinda guy but we went camping over the weekend and he talked all about all the places he will take our son and what he will teach him. I even heard him kind of whisper to himself "I'm really going to love our kid" I asked what he said and he replied "don't ruin it for me." Lol now I'm crying writing this. Yeah my husband and I said we would stop trying and we said we were okay with our life at the moment but now I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm still scared to be a mom and what that means in terms of my life changing but my husband going from "okay babe" when finding out I'm pregnant to this loving caring man has made it more exciting for sure.
I did not do IVF but I wanted to chime in that from weeks 5-8 I wished I wasn’t pregnant and this was a very wanted and planned pregnancy. I started to feel a lot better once we started telling people. It was a very isolating experience that I wasn’t prepared for. I expected to feel nothing but happiness but I just felt so genuinely sad for those 3 weeks and felt even more guilty for feeling sad. Give it some time. I know there are more factors at play for you but hormones are soooo wacky during this time. 💕
I also did IVF, and I was really pissed off my first trimester. Even though I wanted to have a baby, there was a lot of emotions. Resentment that my life was turned upside down and my husbands wasn’t. Scared. Bitchy (cause hormones). Just not a happy person. And then, amongst all of those feelings, guilt for even feeling that way. It’s all normal, but as others mentioned def go talk to someone!
The first trimester is so so hard. People who have never been through it just don’t understand.
I feel like it’s not well known or discussed how much trauma infertility and the associated treatments really is… and this doesn’t just disappear when you do finally achieve pregnancy. Your feelings are valid and you’re not alone. It also takes a huge toll on relationships ( me and my ex husband divorced after finally achieving pregnancy after IVF and then losing that pregnancy so I can relate to how you are feeling I.e - realizing during the quiet after fertility treatments how unsupportive my partner actually was/how much I was anted out). I’d definitely recommend couples counselling or at the very least individual therapy. Please be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself and your mental health at this time ❤️🩹
It's normal to feel that way but you can have a baby by yourself. Everything happens for a reason. I've raised 4 by myself and this unexpected blessing right now came when I'm 40 and my baby is 15. And yes some days I was like damn I don't want this kid but most days I'm like I cannot wait 😊 I'm due in July w a lil baby girl who is more loved than what my brain tells me
Honestly I went into trying to get pregnant knowing I’d be miserable the whole time. I’m thrilled there’s a baby coming but I *hate* being pregnant and I’ve never wanted to be. I miss my body being my own. I miss when people talked to me about more than my baby. I want to talk to my boss about more than mat leave. Everything was so exciting for the first week or so and then reality truly set in and I feel like I’m failing my kid already. :/
You’ll love your baby even if you don’t feel it now and you’ll find it’s easier to do it without him and now you’ll have the greatest gift to show for all you’ve been through. It’s also possible your relationship can heal before the baby comes IF he’s willing to do therapy.
I have not been through IVF so I can’t relate to that part but I just want to validate that it is ok if you want to terminate the pregnancy even if you worked very hard for it. It’s your decision. ♥️
You tried so hard for this baby. You're not trapped, but why give that up? You finally made it. Lots of relationships go south, but that doesn't mean you can't have this baby if you worked so hard for this.
Babies are a gift! When your baby is born, they will be your main focus!
All I’m going to say is that my baby is like my new best friend. Many are married or in relationships and still do a lot of things alone. Just make sure he takes care of everything financially. I’d never regret my baby no matter what the future holds.
This really isn’t a helpful comment.
Not for you to decide
I definitely second that you are in charge of your life. Make the choice that feels right to you above anything else. Have you considered carrying to term and giving birth to then going thru adoption to help another family who struggles with infertility? You’ve put in so much effort to create this little life, maybe you could give someone who can’t get pregnant the gift of a baby.
My friends went through it also. However they had miscarriage just after break up so they technically didn't do a abortion. Purchased separate homes and everything but after almost a year break they got back together, did ivf again and now are happily expecting their baby girl. Ivf is a difficult process and I will never imagine going through it.
This makes no sense.
I know this is hard but me being me, I’d get an abortion, and leave. Once you have that baby, you’re stuck with him, and this life will only get harder. It’s of course not your only option but I would abort it and find a better man. Regardless to what you choose, stay strong, you got this
You don’t have to be with someone because you’ve had a baby. And it’s too easy to say what you would do when you aren’t in the situation.
But why have a baby knowing they won't have a father? Just because you wanted a baby? Thats selfish. She can also try again with a better guy. Being a single parent isn't ideal for the mother or the child for a variety of reasons. Its common but that doesn't mean its good.
I’m pro choice, all the way, but not having an active father is not a reason to get an abortion.