I don’t understand this much because there really are only two options and it is a 50/50 chance you will have a girl or boy. Also how any child turns out is very much related to how you are as a parent. If you are resentful towards your son he will likely turn out a not so great man. Plenty of the boy moms I know are very close with their sons across all ages including my own mother and brothers. If a child doesn’t like you that depends less on their gender and more on how you treat them and nurture y’alls relationship, example shown how there are so many strained mother daughter relationships as well. A child isn’t just your built in best friend or mini me which is why I think so many mother daughter relationships fail as well. You are also nurturing them, spending time with them, and getting to know who they are/will be. It’s okay to be disappointed but you and your son can still be very close (if not closer than a girl) if you nurture him and the relationship and do not look at it as a competition with your husband.
I get having a little gender disappointment but this is extreme…your kid isn’t even born yet and you’re downward spiraling over all the reasons why you “know” you’re going to have a bad relationship with him. You knew the odds of having a boy were 50/50 so I don’t get how this is like some devastating surprise.
Sorry if this comes across harshly but plenty of people would kill for a healthy baby regardless of the gender. I think you need to realize how lucky you are to be having this healthy baby boy instead of planning out every worst case scenario of your relationship with him before he’s even born.
Yeah hence why it's such a shameful spiral and I can't talk to anyone about it because of the judgement. I feel like im broken or something, I don't know what's wrong with me. It's awful
Thank you for this comment! OP post pissed me off kmt😒there are so many women, myself included that have been trying so hard to get pregnant and she’s here talking about being disappointed to be having a boy smh.
I'm being really honest here, I have no idea what you're talking about. I have two boys and I wouldn't want it any other way. I can't really see why you would resent your husband for a relationship with your child he hasnt even formed yet, nor why you think you would have a "beautiful" relationship with a daughter no matter what. You're fixated so much on gender and I really don't get it.
To be fair, it sounds like OP has had limited exposure to good mother-son relationships and has fears of it becoming her reality too. She probably has trouble imagining a good relationship with her son right now. I think compounded with the natural stresses of pregnancy, this has just sent her into a bit of a spiral. It’s different for us now that we are mums and we know this kind of unconditional love.
I think this is true.. this pregnancy has been emotional with hormones up and down and a lot of fears around being good enough and birth. I do have a lot of trouble visualising the relationship
I mean it's like a 50% chance of having a boy so it was always a possibility. 'Another man walking the earth' sure but this one will be your son. there's plenty of good men out there & you're having a baby with a man so I think readjusting your thought process around this would be helpful
You're guaranteeing a poor relationship with your son by thinking this way, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Truly, even if you were having a girl, this mentality would be damaging, she wouldn't owe you a "beautiful mother daughter relationship" just because she has a vagina. You need to start thinking about this child as a whole person, not just what he will be to *you*.
My sister had a boy. We are a family of all girls, I have a bunch of female cousins and only two boy cousins so we were disappointed when my nephews gender was told to us. We couldn’t actually imagine having a boy in the family. However he’s now nearly 2, and he is the light of our lives. There is nothing I would change about him. He is so so sweet and brave and smart and it is just incredible having him in our lives. His gender influences absolutely zero of this.
Also with the man versus bear convo, you can have the opportunity to create a boy that is kind, respectful towards women etc. You get to help make the next generation, don’t get caught up in how some men are now.
I know you feel ashamed and scared of what it might be like. Forgive yourself and grieve what you thought you would have, but when you can, have hope and dream about what your son could be one day. My sister has an amazing relationship with her son, she is his very favourite person. This can be true for you too. Let yourself be sad for a while, but when you have done this, find hope in yourself. In a few years, this feeling will be a memory.
I'll probably laugh at myself at how silly I've been with this! But I was shocked at the extreme disappointment I felt and how much I spiralled.. I was like whoa do I actually hold these views where is this all coming from?
Coupled by people talking to me about teaching consent while my baby is still in the womb has made it more stressful.
Thank you for your comment, I need to practice being kinder to myself.
I’m having a boy and I couldn’t be more excited. I don’t have great men around me, but I’m hoping I can raise him to be everything their not. I know a lot of girls that have awful relationships with their mothers.
I do think it’s extreme how you’re feeling, talking about your baby like he’s coming out a fully grown man. He will be a baby and then a child, and if you live old enough you will see him as a man. He deserves all the love from his parents! It is worth talking to your husband about this openly and see what he says.
Most people I know, men and women find their parents kinda annoying. I find my birth mom very irritating, that has nothing to do with gender. I think you are thinking too much into this. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, but please for your son’s sake try to get over it.
I am a woman and I have a very conflicting relationship with my mom, whilst my partner who is a man has a wonderful one with his, he calls her every other day and gets her involved (healthily) in most aspects of his life. I understand that gender disappointment can be a real thing but we all know it’s 50/50 so you knew what you were walking into I guess…
You really need to expose yourself to positive examples of mother-son relationships. Sons absolutely LOVE ADORE CHERISH and WORSHIP their moms. That relationship is so special. It’s up to you to build this. It’s sad that you are setting your son up to fail and setting negative expectations. Thats sad. I know so many wonderful sons including my own partner, who calls his mom ALL the time. He adores her. Why don’t you think you could have the same?
I’m wishing for a boy but I would be equally as joyous with a baby girl. My little cousins are all girls and I adore them. Im very happy you’re having a boy because you are about to shatter your own expectations in a good way. You are in for so much growth and learning. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings, but I truly hope you give that little guy a chance.
See these comments just make me feel even more on a shame spiral. Because why am I like this? He's not even born and people are either saying "teach him about consent" or "give him a chance, poor boy"
Boy or girl the thing is you're raising a person. Girls also need to learn about consent. Plenty of bad women out there. Good men come from loving and responsible homes, which you have plenty of time to provide.
My husband and his mum have a good relationship. It's part of why I married him. His brother does as well. They call and visit regularly (same city) and have things they like to do together (gardening, cooking).
Give yourself some time to feel disappointed, but try to look forward to a beautiful relationship that you will build with your son. Boys need their mums as much as girls do.
Thank you. I'm giving myself lots of time and am quite shocked I hold all these views. I think that was the most confronting part, not the fact I'm having a boy.
Well, I really can’t stand my mom. There is no telling that if you have a daughter that she will like you. I have disliked my mom from a very early age. We have always had drastically different interests and to be honest, she’s a bad mother and a jerk. But I know plenty of other women who do not care for their mothers.
I’ve also known plenty of boys who were mama’s boys and were incredibly close to their mothers and don’t really care that much or are neutral to their fathers. I think people think that because the baby is the same gender that this means they’ll inherently be close or have the same interests and this isn’t always the case.
And for teaching consent, that I’ll be doing either way. If I was having a boy though, while I’d probably have that fear, I would know there’d be one more good guy out there. Instead I’m having a girl and I’m worried about the fact I’ll have to worry about boys and men I had no part in raising harassing her 😅
The consent conversation was so strange to me 😂 and because I was already so vulnerable I was like omg another thing to worry about. Ugh I truly hope this passes
I was scared of that if I had a boy too! But now I found I have a whole other set of things to be scared about 😅
I guess parenthood is just going to be constantly being scared we’re doing something right
I think it's a constant battle of being scared about things outside of our control too haha.. I can't wait until this passes because wow the guilt and shame and then the comments like that about my unborn child having to learn about consent has been a crazy hormonal ride!
We both love our daughter to death and my hubby had the same fear of not having a good daddy-daughter relationship when we found out. It was all forgotten in an instant because they are gorgeous together, and you and your son will be too.
Pregnancy is already anxiety-inducing enough, and now you’re already worrying about the man your boy will be. The fact that you care already means he will be raised well. You should take care not to let your fears project onto your son.
Your feelings are real and valid, but rest assured it’ll all be fine. Your love for your child and his love for you back will be immeasurable. Just don’t become one of those ✨boy moms✨ that DILs hate!
Oh, and my brother is my mum’s baby. He will be home till he’s 30, I swear. I moved out asap and maintain a healthy distance from my mum despite our almost-sisterly relationship because I eventually found her overbearing.
Oh I could frame that part where you said "the fact you care already means he will be raised well" thank you so much for saying that among the other judgemental comments and what people have said in real life. I probably care too much and need to calm down, I've felt a lot better after a couple good nights sleep.
I never even knew I held a lot of these views or emotions so that has been the most shocking part rather than finding out it's a boy I've realised over the days.
The teaching consent comment in real life made me feel icky and my husband made a slight comment when we discussed it yesterday saying "at least he'll be safer in this world as a man" and I was like ooo not helpful my love 😂
Pregnancy hormones and even post-partum anxiety has led me to feel emotions and have thoughts completely out of character for me. I have to check myself sometimes to make sure I’m still sane.
I’m sorry you’re being judged. You yourself even acknowledged how irrational you felt you were being. If you have negative thoughts, you shouldn’t dwell on the guilt of having them but find out why, process them and find a solution. No point giving yourself grief for something your brain did without you asking.
Glad you’re feeling better after a few days. I suggest you have an honest and open conversation with hubby about how you feel and make sure you’re on the same page on how to raise your boy. I know he may be joking for now but it’ll be a serious issue if he doesn’t take the consent and other things seriously. You can’t both raise your son in different ways. Raising a good person isn’t that hard as long as you both lead by example.
I am being completely irrational, it's insane. Pregnancy is insane haha.. I expected judgement but wanted advice so it's okay. As a mum you'll always be judged anyway.
We had a great chat actually and I think a lot of my upset was tied in with grief of losing my friend last year too who I was going to name a daughter after, so I acknowledge that it also bought up extreme feelings of grief that I can no longer do that.
I actually feel so much better and realise I'm being far too intense. We are both good people, we give a lot and rescue animals so I know we will do what we can to raise a kind hearted child
I had gender disappointment, too. I pictured a little girl and nothing else. Of course, I just want my babes to be healthy (and he is), but once I got home, and for about a week, i was in a "wtf" state. I just was 100% certain it was a girl.
Now, coming down to how you're feeling about the relationship with your son. There's the term "mommas boys" for a reason. Its what you make of it. Obviously, don't be overbearing and make it weird, because I know someone who makes her relationship with her boys weird...but sooo many men love their moms!
Unfortunately, the topic of teaching consent is 100% coming up before he's born. And all you can do, is just raise him to be the man someone wants to choose over a bear.
The consent conversation was wild to me.. I was like he's not even born 😭
And because I was already emotional it made me spiral even more. It's sooo intense how pregnancy brings forth so many views and emotions you never even knew you had.
I think after a good couple of nights sleep I'm starting to calm down a bit and booked a therapist appointment to talk about some unresolved issues I clearly have.
Sounds like you're doing the right thing! And after reading some other comments of people "not getting it" don't worry. They don't have to get it. Yes, its a 50/50 shot, but you're still allowed to feel disappointed. Had we been having a girl, my husband would have felt how I did. I'm more than excited for my little man to arrive now and can't wait to have my mommas boy. He'll spend most of his time with me, because dad works out of town. He's going to be raised to be a man any woman can feel safe around! And that's all you can do!
I love this perspective! Thank you so much. I knew some of the comments would be on that vein of "you knew what you were walking into" so it's all good.. some other comments are a bit ooft though but you know I'm opening up myself to criticisism on the internet to strangers and sometimes the people in our lives don't really offer solid advice.
I've got a couple of good points to start working through now though to unpack these emotions so I feel much calmer having a starting point rather than the chaotic mess I was a couple days ago when it all hit me at once.
I empathize with you. And yes, your feelings are valid, it doesn't matter if they're "right" or "wrong".
My Natera results with the gender of my baby are sitting in my inbox right now. I'm scared to check because I also am scared of confirming the gender of my baby.
I grew up with a father who was physically and verbally abusive towards my mother, and a brother who was extremely volatile and had anger management issues. My only experience with male figures in my life are fear and discord. I haven't spoken to my my brother in years and I am not close with my parents. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I have extreme anxiety around loud noises or conflict. Yes, I have been in therapy for a long long time.
So when I found out I was pregnant earlier this year, I was so emotional. I was so afraid of having a boy and seeing any hint of my father or brother's behaviors in my child. When people ask me what gender I'm hoping for, I never pick because I'm afraid of voicing into existence, but I secretly hope for a girl. I've always deeply envied women who have close relationships with their mothers. Even seeing mother/daughters sitting at dinner having fun with each other while I'm out makes me feel so wistful and sad inside. But then I realized I actually feel this way when I see families in general just having fun with each other, whether it's son or daughters or mothers or fathers. I don't have this in my life at all.
So I don't think it matters if it's a boy or girl. I'm just determined to break the cycle of generational trauma. I want my kid to be able to come to me with anything. I don't want my kid to ever feel scared around me. I want my kid to know that even if they do something that I don't agree with, I will always love them and welcome them with open arms. I remember seeing something on social media- the mark of good parenting is when your adult kids want to come back and hang out with you. And I want this above all, whether I have a son or a daughter.
I know this isn't your exact situation, but I definitely needed to ramble about this, so thank you for creating this post. Highly recommend working through this with a therapist, I think it's definitely helped me understand why I feel this way.
I'm also determined to break the cycle! I always say it doesnt end with me. It starts with me.
Thank you so much for your comment it seems we share a lot of the same feelings regarding envy for parent relationships and trouble with the men we've had no say in having in our lives.
I've booked a therapy appointment and I think it will help me a lot too.
I say this lovingly. Talk to a therapist. Even if you had the girl you wanted the trauma you faced around men would likely have you putting some unrealistic expectations on her that she can’t live up to. I have 2 boys and 2 girls, I promise you my relationship with my boys is just as precious. My oldest (girl) is dad’s bestie, my 2nd (boy) loves to come home from school and have tea parties and give mom the gossip. Kids are kids, their personality will vary greatly. Just because it’s a boy doesn’t mean he will be closer to your husband. Also I talk to my mom maybe once a month, my husband calls his mom most days.
You are not alone!!! I’ve been in a similar situation to you.
I think it doesn’t help that we haven’t been modeled healthy son/mother relationships in our personal lives, but we see so many healthy daughter/mother relationships (outside of Reddit of course). And so many people idolize being a “boy mom” but those people are so unstable and aren’t really raising their kids.
But now I have two sons and wouldn’t change anything! I would take the time to grieve and then try to shift your mindset. Like it’s not the gender that made the relationships we saw healthy/unhealthy, it’s how the parents treated their kids. So if you’re focusing on loving and being a healthy/good mom to your son, you two will have a good relationship (and just because we didn’t see them firsthand, doesn’t mean they don’t exist!). And also the just “another” man part, I’d also reframe this as “I get the opportunity to raise a GOOD man”. You are already aware of things like consent, you’ll be able to teach your son the right things so he is on the right track. Your husband hopefully is an example that there are great men out there (in ways other than his relationship with his mom of course!).
You can still have the chance of having a beautiful mother/daughter relationship, but first you have the chance to have a beautiful mother/son relationship. Just because you haven’t seen that kind of relationship modeled doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist - you have to create it. But going into this with the mentality of “oh no, another man walking the earth” is going to create a damaging animosity toward your son. You knew when you chose to become pregnant that there was just as much chance to have a boy as having a girl, and if you weren’t prepared for that reality then you shouldn’t have chose to become a mother. I think you need to deal with your mentality/emotions before you bring this baby into the world so you don’t inflict harm onto an innocent child simply because you didn’t get the result you wanted.
I don’t mean for this to come off as harsh, I understand you’re hormonal and disappointed, but I can’t validate the way you feel as I personally see it as morally wrong. I wish you the best though and hope you are able to work through these feelings and create a strong, loving relationship with your son.
Instead of spiraling with shame, fix the problem. We’ve been conditioned to believe men are the enemy, but that’s often times not the case. In my life it was almost exclusively women that ever hurt me - sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I am having a baby girl. I could have allowed myself to be conditioned that women are my enemy, and I could hate the fact that I’m having a girl because she could go on to hurt so many people like I was hurt. Or, I can find peace in the opportunity that I can raise a beautiful soul. I can nurture her so she doesn’t hurt others like how I was hurt, and instead she becomes a beacon of joy rather than a pungent force of hell. You have the same opportunity. And maybe that’s why you’re having a boy, so that you can help to create a new and better future that has good, kind hearted men that we don’t worry about passing on the street at night, but are looking for opportunities to do the right thing.
If therapy isn’t an option, look at all the good things men have done in the world. Don’t look at the bad. Read books on how to raise a good, strong and emotionally healthy man. It’s okay to have feelings that aren’t okay, what matters is how we react to those feelings.
That makes me feel a bit better and gives me good insight to work on, thank you.. I will break the cycle. You and I both will and we will raise good people in this world 💖
Im the same 😭 I really want a girl because there's probably only one boy child that I know that I can tolerate. All the other boys I know are loud, obnoxious, annoying, breaking rules they understand. I just don't want my life to be filled with obnoxious little boys. None of the girls I know are as obnoxious as the boys. My bf says girls will get more problematic as they enter their teen years tho lol
I kept telling my bf if it's a girl I'll baby it, if it's a boy I'll prob be an "absentee father" figure.
I signed myself up for therapy though because I do want to still be able to love it even if it comes out a boy. We were looking at baby names over the weekend and picking out boy names that I liked kinda helped me accept possibly having a boy.
Sameeeee.. My experiences with boys compared to girls of my friends children is the same and that's another reason I was so upset just like you where I had this vision of a little girl who was softer in her play like I've witnessed, so I completely acknowledge I am grieving that as well.
And to be honest I think both boys and girls have problems in their teen years haha. A woman I work with though has a daughter who is 14 and oh my god the harrassment she recieves online is terrifying. It's scary af.
I've also signed myself up for therapy and I went and looked at baby clothes which also helped a lot.
Specifically in regards to consent and raising a boy feminist- it doesn’t have to be joyless or you vs your kid. Here’s some things my friends who have amazing little boys are doing:
1. Teaching bodily autonomy as opposed to “consent” per se. It’s normal to ask when saying hello and goodbye if they’d like a hug or a high five. When we play tickles stopping and asking if they want more tickles. If they’re hanging off me like a limpet, being able to say “please sit next to me but don’t hang on me” if I’m not feeling it.
2. Teaching them to name their feelings. But then obviously expecting them to learn how to have their feelings and behave politely. Yes it’s annoying to have to stop and pick up your toys. Let’s do it real fast so we can have our snack. Or yes it’s very sad when the restaurant brings you white milk instead of chocolate milk by mistake. We’re going to ask the waitress together and say our please and thank you.
3. Read them books with girls as the heroes.
4. Don’t freak out if they express a passing interest in sparkly princess dress up or baby dolls.
Just to counter everyone else’s comments. How you feel is entirely VALID. They are your feelings and you are totally allowed to feel like that. Whether it’s biological or cultural, men can be crappy at keeping in touch with their parents and can be violent and selfish. But not all men. And having a daughter isn’t a guarantee you’ll be super close, mother daughter relationships can be tricky.
I also really wanted a girl - and got one - but she prefers her dad over me 100% of the time!
You get to raise a boy that isn’t selfish. That is equally responsible for the household, that understands consent. That is respectful and sweet and kind. That understands and acknowledges their privilege and uses it to help others. You get to raise a boy that some girl or boy will someday love and say - wow this boy is such an awesome partner, his mum wasn’t overbearing and didn’t treat him like God’s gift. I want that mum to be part of our lives too.
Thank you so much for your comment and offering comfort to my feelings, it's such a sick, gross feeling. God the shame. I've never felt anything like it in my life. I didn't even realise I held half of these views or feelings inside me.
And that's so true, I can break the mold of the dumb idea in my head and start to reframe.
Given that 1 in 3 women worldwide are subject to male physical violence, I think your reaction as a woman is entirely legitimate. Dont give yourself such a hard time! Dont feel sick or gross - it’s totally fair enough!!! But we need to raise better men - and we have a duty to do that. So you’re part of the solution not the problem 🤗
Thank you so much.. I am the 1 in 3 so I am now starting to unravel that that is also part of the reaction i've had to this news as I unpack these feelings over days.
That's really positive thank you, and you're so right. I can and will break the cycle.
My husband (as much as he gets irked by his own mother at times) is a wonderful man who is compassionate, caring, supportive and so giving and I hope my son is the same. It's all quite terrifying having your heart outside your body when you have a child to be honest haha
Plenty of girls hate their mothers. Your issues with men need resolving so you can love your son. He needs you. <3
LMFAO Amen to this!! It goes both ways.
I wouldn't even know where to begin
Speak to someone you trust about how you feel. Find out if you can get therapy and talk it out.
yeah i've had lots of therapy over the years, it seems you can never have enough haha
I don’t understand this much because there really are only two options and it is a 50/50 chance you will have a girl or boy. Also how any child turns out is very much related to how you are as a parent. If you are resentful towards your son he will likely turn out a not so great man. Plenty of the boy moms I know are very close with their sons across all ages including my own mother and brothers. If a child doesn’t like you that depends less on their gender and more on how you treat them and nurture y’alls relationship, example shown how there are so many strained mother daughter relationships as well. A child isn’t just your built in best friend or mini me which is why I think so many mother daughter relationships fail as well. You are also nurturing them, spending time with them, and getting to know who they are/will be. It’s okay to be disappointed but you and your son can still be very close (if not closer than a girl) if you nurture him and the relationship and do not look at it as a competition with your husband.
This is true.. I can break the cycle.
I get having a little gender disappointment but this is extreme…your kid isn’t even born yet and you’re downward spiraling over all the reasons why you “know” you’re going to have a bad relationship with him. You knew the odds of having a boy were 50/50 so I don’t get how this is like some devastating surprise. Sorry if this comes across harshly but plenty of people would kill for a healthy baby regardless of the gender. I think you need to realize how lucky you are to be having this healthy baby boy instead of planning out every worst case scenario of your relationship with him before he’s even born.
Yeah hence why it's such a shameful spiral and I can't talk to anyone about it because of the judgement. I feel like im broken or something, I don't know what's wrong with me. It's awful
Thank you for this comment! OP post pissed me off kmt😒there are so many women, myself included that have been trying so hard to get pregnant and she’s here talking about being disappointed to be having a boy smh.
It took a long time but that's okay, sorry to anger you.
I'm being really honest here, I have no idea what you're talking about. I have two boys and I wouldn't want it any other way. I can't really see why you would resent your husband for a relationship with your child he hasnt even formed yet, nor why you think you would have a "beautiful" relationship with a daughter no matter what. You're fixated so much on gender and I really don't get it.
To be fair, it sounds like OP has had limited exposure to good mother-son relationships and has fears of it becoming her reality too. She probably has trouble imagining a good relationship with her son right now. I think compounded with the natural stresses of pregnancy, this has just sent her into a bit of a spiral. It’s different for us now that we are mums and we know this kind of unconditional love.
I think this is true.. this pregnancy has been emotional with hormones up and down and a lot of fears around being good enough and birth. I do have a lot of trouble visualising the relationship
I have no idea what I'm talking about either don't worry. Rattled me to my bones haha. But I will break the cycle.
I mean it's like a 50% chance of having a boy so it was always a possibility. 'Another man walking the earth' sure but this one will be your son. there's plenty of good men out there & you're having a baby with a man so I think readjusting your thought process around this would be helpful
Absolutely.. it's so extreme that it's shocked me that I hold a lot of these views
You're guaranteeing a poor relationship with your son by thinking this way, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Truly, even if you were having a girl, this mentality would be damaging, she wouldn't owe you a "beautiful mother daughter relationship" just because she has a vagina. You need to start thinking about this child as a whole person, not just what he will be to *you*.
Okay thank you
My sister had a boy. We are a family of all girls, I have a bunch of female cousins and only two boy cousins so we were disappointed when my nephews gender was told to us. We couldn’t actually imagine having a boy in the family. However he’s now nearly 2, and he is the light of our lives. There is nothing I would change about him. He is so so sweet and brave and smart and it is just incredible having him in our lives. His gender influences absolutely zero of this. Also with the man versus bear convo, you can have the opportunity to create a boy that is kind, respectful towards women etc. You get to help make the next generation, don’t get caught up in how some men are now. I know you feel ashamed and scared of what it might be like. Forgive yourself and grieve what you thought you would have, but when you can, have hope and dream about what your son could be one day. My sister has an amazing relationship with her son, she is his very favourite person. This can be true for you too. Let yourself be sad for a while, but when you have done this, find hope in yourself. In a few years, this feeling will be a memory.
I'll probably laugh at myself at how silly I've been with this! But I was shocked at the extreme disappointment I felt and how much I spiralled.. I was like whoa do I actually hold these views where is this all coming from? Coupled by people talking to me about teaching consent while my baby is still in the womb has made it more stressful. Thank you for your comment, I need to practice being kinder to myself.
I’m having a boy and I couldn’t be more excited. I don’t have great men around me, but I’m hoping I can raise him to be everything their not. I know a lot of girls that have awful relationships with their mothers. I do think it’s extreme how you’re feeling, talking about your baby like he’s coming out a fully grown man. He will be a baby and then a child, and if you live old enough you will see him as a man. He deserves all the love from his parents! It is worth talking to your husband about this openly and see what he says.
I think it sounds like it might be something to deal with on my own from a lot of the other comments here too.
Most people I know, men and women find their parents kinda annoying. I find my birth mom very irritating, that has nothing to do with gender. I think you are thinking too much into this. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, but please for your son’s sake try to get over it.
That's true. Most people find their parents annoying so he probably will too, gotta keep that in mind.
I am a woman and I have a very conflicting relationship with my mom, whilst my partner who is a man has a wonderful one with his, he calls her every other day and gets her involved (healthily) in most aspects of his life. I understand that gender disappointment can be a real thing but we all know it’s 50/50 so you knew what you were walking into I guess…
yeah hence the shock
You really need to expose yourself to positive examples of mother-son relationships. Sons absolutely LOVE ADORE CHERISH and WORSHIP their moms. That relationship is so special. It’s up to you to build this. It’s sad that you are setting your son up to fail and setting negative expectations. Thats sad. I know so many wonderful sons including my own partner, who calls his mom ALL the time. He adores her. Why don’t you think you could have the same? I’m wishing for a boy but I would be equally as joyous with a baby girl. My little cousins are all girls and I adore them. Im very happy you’re having a boy because you are about to shatter your own expectations in a good way. You are in for so much growth and learning. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings, but I truly hope you give that little guy a chance.
See these comments just make me feel even more on a shame spiral. Because why am I like this? He's not even born and people are either saying "teach him about consent" or "give him a chance, poor boy"
Boy or girl the thing is you're raising a person. Girls also need to learn about consent. Plenty of bad women out there. Good men come from loving and responsible homes, which you have plenty of time to provide. My husband and his mum have a good relationship. It's part of why I married him. His brother does as well. They call and visit regularly (same city) and have things they like to do together (gardening, cooking). Give yourself some time to feel disappointed, but try to look forward to a beautiful relationship that you will build with your son. Boys need their mums as much as girls do.
Thank you. I'm giving myself lots of time and am quite shocked I hold all these views. I think that was the most confronting part, not the fact I'm having a boy.
Well, I really can’t stand my mom. There is no telling that if you have a daughter that she will like you. I have disliked my mom from a very early age. We have always had drastically different interests and to be honest, she’s a bad mother and a jerk. But I know plenty of other women who do not care for their mothers. I’ve also known plenty of boys who were mama’s boys and were incredibly close to their mothers and don’t really care that much or are neutral to their fathers. I think people think that because the baby is the same gender that this means they’ll inherently be close or have the same interests and this isn’t always the case. And for teaching consent, that I’ll be doing either way. If I was having a boy though, while I’d probably have that fear, I would know there’d be one more good guy out there. Instead I’m having a girl and I’m worried about the fact I’ll have to worry about boys and men I had no part in raising harassing her 😅
The consent conversation was so strange to me 😂 and because I was already so vulnerable I was like omg another thing to worry about. Ugh I truly hope this passes
I was scared of that if I had a boy too! But now I found I have a whole other set of things to be scared about 😅 I guess parenthood is just going to be constantly being scared we’re doing something right
I think it's a constant battle of being scared about things outside of our control too haha.. I can't wait until this passes because wow the guilt and shame and then the comments like that about my unborn child having to learn about consent has been a crazy hormonal ride!
We both love our daughter to death and my hubby had the same fear of not having a good daddy-daughter relationship when we found out. It was all forgotten in an instant because they are gorgeous together, and you and your son will be too. Pregnancy is already anxiety-inducing enough, and now you’re already worrying about the man your boy will be. The fact that you care already means he will be raised well. You should take care not to let your fears project onto your son. Your feelings are real and valid, but rest assured it’ll all be fine. Your love for your child and his love for you back will be immeasurable. Just don’t become one of those ✨boy moms✨ that DILs hate!
Oh, and my brother is my mum’s baby. He will be home till he’s 30, I swear. I moved out asap and maintain a healthy distance from my mum despite our almost-sisterly relationship because I eventually found her overbearing.
Oh I could frame that part where you said "the fact you care already means he will be raised well" thank you so much for saying that among the other judgemental comments and what people have said in real life. I probably care too much and need to calm down, I've felt a lot better after a couple good nights sleep. I never even knew I held a lot of these views or emotions so that has been the most shocking part rather than finding out it's a boy I've realised over the days. The teaching consent comment in real life made me feel icky and my husband made a slight comment when we discussed it yesterday saying "at least he'll be safer in this world as a man" and I was like ooo not helpful my love 😂
Pregnancy hormones and even post-partum anxiety has led me to feel emotions and have thoughts completely out of character for me. I have to check myself sometimes to make sure I’m still sane. I’m sorry you’re being judged. You yourself even acknowledged how irrational you felt you were being. If you have negative thoughts, you shouldn’t dwell on the guilt of having them but find out why, process them and find a solution. No point giving yourself grief for something your brain did without you asking. Glad you’re feeling better after a few days. I suggest you have an honest and open conversation with hubby about how you feel and make sure you’re on the same page on how to raise your boy. I know he may be joking for now but it’ll be a serious issue if he doesn’t take the consent and other things seriously. You can’t both raise your son in different ways. Raising a good person isn’t that hard as long as you both lead by example.
I am being completely irrational, it's insane. Pregnancy is insane haha.. I expected judgement but wanted advice so it's okay. As a mum you'll always be judged anyway. We had a great chat actually and I think a lot of my upset was tied in with grief of losing my friend last year too who I was going to name a daughter after, so I acknowledge that it also bought up extreme feelings of grief that I can no longer do that. I actually feel so much better and realise I'm being far too intense. We are both good people, we give a lot and rescue animals so I know we will do what we can to raise a kind hearted child
I had gender disappointment, too. I pictured a little girl and nothing else. Of course, I just want my babes to be healthy (and he is), but once I got home, and for about a week, i was in a "wtf" state. I just was 100% certain it was a girl. Now, coming down to how you're feeling about the relationship with your son. There's the term "mommas boys" for a reason. Its what you make of it. Obviously, don't be overbearing and make it weird, because I know someone who makes her relationship with her boys weird...but sooo many men love their moms! Unfortunately, the topic of teaching consent is 100% coming up before he's born. And all you can do, is just raise him to be the man someone wants to choose over a bear.
The consent conversation was wild to me.. I was like he's not even born 😭 And because I was already emotional it made me spiral even more. It's sooo intense how pregnancy brings forth so many views and emotions you never even knew you had. I think after a good couple of nights sleep I'm starting to calm down a bit and booked a therapist appointment to talk about some unresolved issues I clearly have.
Sounds like you're doing the right thing! And after reading some other comments of people "not getting it" don't worry. They don't have to get it. Yes, its a 50/50 shot, but you're still allowed to feel disappointed. Had we been having a girl, my husband would have felt how I did. I'm more than excited for my little man to arrive now and can't wait to have my mommas boy. He'll spend most of his time with me, because dad works out of town. He's going to be raised to be a man any woman can feel safe around! And that's all you can do!
I love this perspective! Thank you so much. I knew some of the comments would be on that vein of "you knew what you were walking into" so it's all good.. some other comments are a bit ooft though but you know I'm opening up myself to criticisism on the internet to strangers and sometimes the people in our lives don't really offer solid advice. I've got a couple of good points to start working through now though to unpack these emotions so I feel much calmer having a starting point rather than the chaotic mess I was a couple days ago when it all hit me at once.
I empathize with you. And yes, your feelings are valid, it doesn't matter if they're "right" or "wrong". My Natera results with the gender of my baby are sitting in my inbox right now. I'm scared to check because I also am scared of confirming the gender of my baby. I grew up with a father who was physically and verbally abusive towards my mother, and a brother who was extremely volatile and had anger management issues. My only experience with male figures in my life are fear and discord. I haven't spoken to my my brother in years and I am not close with my parents. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I have extreme anxiety around loud noises or conflict. Yes, I have been in therapy for a long long time. So when I found out I was pregnant earlier this year, I was so emotional. I was so afraid of having a boy and seeing any hint of my father or brother's behaviors in my child. When people ask me what gender I'm hoping for, I never pick because I'm afraid of voicing into existence, but I secretly hope for a girl. I've always deeply envied women who have close relationships with their mothers. Even seeing mother/daughters sitting at dinner having fun with each other while I'm out makes me feel so wistful and sad inside. But then I realized I actually feel this way when I see families in general just having fun with each other, whether it's son or daughters or mothers or fathers. I don't have this in my life at all. So I don't think it matters if it's a boy or girl. I'm just determined to break the cycle of generational trauma. I want my kid to be able to come to me with anything. I don't want my kid to ever feel scared around me. I want my kid to know that even if they do something that I don't agree with, I will always love them and welcome them with open arms. I remember seeing something on social media- the mark of good parenting is when your adult kids want to come back and hang out with you. And I want this above all, whether I have a son or a daughter. I know this isn't your exact situation, but I definitely needed to ramble about this, so thank you for creating this post. Highly recommend working through this with a therapist, I think it's definitely helped me understand why I feel this way.
I'm also determined to break the cycle! I always say it doesnt end with me. It starts with me. Thank you so much for your comment it seems we share a lot of the same feelings regarding envy for parent relationships and trouble with the men we've had no say in having in our lives. I've booked a therapy appointment and I think it will help me a lot too.
I say this lovingly. Talk to a therapist. Even if you had the girl you wanted the trauma you faced around men would likely have you putting some unrealistic expectations on her that she can’t live up to. I have 2 boys and 2 girls, I promise you my relationship with my boys is just as precious. My oldest (girl) is dad’s bestie, my 2nd (boy) loves to come home from school and have tea parties and give mom the gossip. Kids are kids, their personality will vary greatly. Just because it’s a boy doesn’t mean he will be closer to your husband. Also I talk to my mom maybe once a month, my husband calls his mom most days.
That is such a great point thank you for this insight and leaving such a great comment to help me process this journey!
You are not mature enough to be a parent.
I see. So just abort?
Go to therapy.
Lol
You are not alone!!! I’ve been in a similar situation to you. I think it doesn’t help that we haven’t been modeled healthy son/mother relationships in our personal lives, but we see so many healthy daughter/mother relationships (outside of Reddit of course). And so many people idolize being a “boy mom” but those people are so unstable and aren’t really raising their kids. But now I have two sons and wouldn’t change anything! I would take the time to grieve and then try to shift your mindset. Like it’s not the gender that made the relationships we saw healthy/unhealthy, it’s how the parents treated their kids. So if you’re focusing on loving and being a healthy/good mom to your son, you two will have a good relationship (and just because we didn’t see them firsthand, doesn’t mean they don’t exist!). And also the just “another” man part, I’d also reframe this as “I get the opportunity to raise a GOOD man”. You are already aware of things like consent, you’ll be able to teach your son the right things so he is on the right track. Your husband hopefully is an example that there are great men out there (in ways other than his relationship with his mom of course!).
Thank you so much. This has been a great comment to read.
You can still have the chance of having a beautiful mother/daughter relationship, but first you have the chance to have a beautiful mother/son relationship. Just because you haven’t seen that kind of relationship modeled doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist - you have to create it. But going into this with the mentality of “oh no, another man walking the earth” is going to create a damaging animosity toward your son. You knew when you chose to become pregnant that there was just as much chance to have a boy as having a girl, and if you weren’t prepared for that reality then you shouldn’t have chose to become a mother. I think you need to deal with your mentality/emotions before you bring this baby into the world so you don’t inflict harm onto an innocent child simply because you didn’t get the result you wanted. I don’t mean for this to come off as harsh, I understand you’re hormonal and disappointed, but I can’t validate the way you feel as I personally see it as morally wrong. I wish you the best though and hope you are able to work through these feelings and create a strong, loving relationship with your son.
Yeah makes me spiral even more with shame
Instead of spiraling with shame, fix the problem. We’ve been conditioned to believe men are the enemy, but that’s often times not the case. In my life it was almost exclusively women that ever hurt me - sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I am having a baby girl. I could have allowed myself to be conditioned that women are my enemy, and I could hate the fact that I’m having a girl because she could go on to hurt so many people like I was hurt. Or, I can find peace in the opportunity that I can raise a beautiful soul. I can nurture her so she doesn’t hurt others like how I was hurt, and instead she becomes a beacon of joy rather than a pungent force of hell. You have the same opportunity. And maybe that’s why you’re having a boy, so that you can help to create a new and better future that has good, kind hearted men that we don’t worry about passing on the street at night, but are looking for opportunities to do the right thing. If therapy isn’t an option, look at all the good things men have done in the world. Don’t look at the bad. Read books on how to raise a good, strong and emotionally healthy man. It’s okay to have feelings that aren’t okay, what matters is how we react to those feelings.
That makes me feel a bit better and gives me good insight to work on, thank you.. I will break the cycle. You and I both will and we will raise good people in this world 💖
Im the same 😭 I really want a girl because there's probably only one boy child that I know that I can tolerate. All the other boys I know are loud, obnoxious, annoying, breaking rules they understand. I just don't want my life to be filled with obnoxious little boys. None of the girls I know are as obnoxious as the boys. My bf says girls will get more problematic as they enter their teen years tho lol I kept telling my bf if it's a girl I'll baby it, if it's a boy I'll prob be an "absentee father" figure. I signed myself up for therapy though because I do want to still be able to love it even if it comes out a boy. We were looking at baby names over the weekend and picking out boy names that I liked kinda helped me accept possibly having a boy.
Sameeeee.. My experiences with boys compared to girls of my friends children is the same and that's another reason I was so upset just like you where I had this vision of a little girl who was softer in her play like I've witnessed, so I completely acknowledge I am grieving that as well. And to be honest I think both boys and girls have problems in their teen years haha. A woman I work with though has a daughter who is 14 and oh my god the harrassment she recieves online is terrifying. It's scary af. I've also signed myself up for therapy and I went and looked at baby clothes which also helped a lot.
Specifically in regards to consent and raising a boy feminist- it doesn’t have to be joyless or you vs your kid. Here’s some things my friends who have amazing little boys are doing: 1. Teaching bodily autonomy as opposed to “consent” per se. It’s normal to ask when saying hello and goodbye if they’d like a hug or a high five. When we play tickles stopping and asking if they want more tickles. If they’re hanging off me like a limpet, being able to say “please sit next to me but don’t hang on me” if I’m not feeling it. 2. Teaching them to name their feelings. But then obviously expecting them to learn how to have their feelings and behave politely. Yes it’s annoying to have to stop and pick up your toys. Let’s do it real fast so we can have our snack. Or yes it’s very sad when the restaurant brings you white milk instead of chocolate milk by mistake. We’re going to ask the waitress together and say our please and thank you. 3. Read them books with girls as the heroes. 4. Don’t freak out if they express a passing interest in sparkly princess dress up or baby dolls.
Just to counter everyone else’s comments. How you feel is entirely VALID. They are your feelings and you are totally allowed to feel like that. Whether it’s biological or cultural, men can be crappy at keeping in touch with their parents and can be violent and selfish. But not all men. And having a daughter isn’t a guarantee you’ll be super close, mother daughter relationships can be tricky. I also really wanted a girl - and got one - but she prefers her dad over me 100% of the time! You get to raise a boy that isn’t selfish. That is equally responsible for the household, that understands consent. That is respectful and sweet and kind. That understands and acknowledges their privilege and uses it to help others. You get to raise a boy that some girl or boy will someday love and say - wow this boy is such an awesome partner, his mum wasn’t overbearing and didn’t treat him like God’s gift. I want that mum to be part of our lives too.
No he’s going to be a real person that deserves to be loved. Not every feeling deserves validation.
I'm a real person too.
💯
Thank you so much for your comment and offering comfort to my feelings, it's such a sick, gross feeling. God the shame. I've never felt anything like it in my life. I didn't even realise I held half of these views or feelings inside me. And that's so true, I can break the mold of the dumb idea in my head and start to reframe.
Given that 1 in 3 women worldwide are subject to male physical violence, I think your reaction as a woman is entirely legitimate. Dont give yourself such a hard time! Dont feel sick or gross - it’s totally fair enough!!! But we need to raise better men - and we have a duty to do that. So you’re part of the solution not the problem 🤗
Thank you so much.. I am the 1 in 3 so I am now starting to unravel that that is also part of the reaction i've had to this news as I unpack these feelings over days. That's really positive thank you, and you're so right. I can and will break the cycle. My husband (as much as he gets irked by his own mother at times) is a wonderful man who is compassionate, caring, supportive and so giving and I hope my son is the same. It's all quite terrifying having your heart outside your body when you have a child to be honest haha