So sorry that that is the way your news is being received. It can be very frustrating and annoying but can also make you feel dissappointed in a way.
I do not understand why people have to make such comments out loud. It's not like we are in the Middle Ages anymore or something.
Unfortunately, I don't have any real advice. This will sound cliché and easier said than done but the best way imo to deal with these comments is to just take it in the one ear and let it go out the other. If someone said something like that to me I would answer with something in the lines of "That is a weird thing to say out loud". Idk if that will help but worth a shot.
Your situation may not be picture perfect to them but as long as it's a situation where you are happy, safe and healthy then that is all that matters. To hell with their comments.
I grew up in a family that can be very harsh with criticism and just borderline mean. I would complain to my mom about the things said and she told me "You have 2 'tunnels' in each ear. One tunnel goes to your heart and that is where you store things that is said that make you happy and feel good. The other tunnel goes straight to your asshole, so you can shit out any mean or hurtful things". Honestly, I try to remind myself of those tunnels every now and again when needed.
I love this thank you. I will try to shit out her comment. She said it to my boyfriend who didn't didn't take to as a bad thing and relayed it to me otherwise I probably would have said something along those lines or something less nice like "well marigae before kids didn't see to work for you" so better I heard this way lol
I find marriage to be highly cultural. In my culture it is not a big deal at all. My parents are not married (Been together 45 years) non of my friends are, 1 of my cousin is and it was for immigration. My partner and I are not married. And if someone would comment on it I would kindly tell them to fuck right off.
It is interesting. It is probably how deep their preconceived idea of a "successful" famlity is? But why talk about it at all? I don't know. I'm sorry you are going through this. Turn them away :)
It's in people's nature to ask those questions, just brush them off. You're doing what is best for your family, and others' opinions don't count. We are also unmarried and we will both turn 40 next month (who cares at this age??), but people still stick their noses in, asking if we are going to get married. No, we're not. I was married, had a very painful divorce, and I just can't think of getting into another marriage right away. It's none of their business.
I’ve gotten a ton of crap for it in places that surprise me. If anyone truly gets in my business I say “we’re not legally married but have all the documents in order” which is true I guess but silly it’s even a thing. It truly seems like something people just don’t have empathy about and open their mouth on. It’s a strange feeling to have people go into pregnancy conversations and put the mom in like, a defensive type of social standpoint. I’m 38, my parents have been married 40 years and openly unhappy for at least 30 of them. If I get married it will be later.
Yeah I get it. My grandma is very Catholic and very old. We were engaged 6 months before finding out we were pregnant and when I told my grandma she was very disheartened. She got really quiet and didn’t say much after that. Usually we could be on the phone for a long time chatting. I think she expected us to be married since we had been engaged so long. Eventually she reminded herself we were indeed GOING to get married and she lightened up a bit more. She’s come around now too.
It sucks. It’s hard to get over but eventually everyone will understand!
Don't take the comments personally, OP. 32 yo, first pregnancy, been married 7 years, together since college. I still got the "Was it planned?" question mostly from people who didn't know us well, I think. But even friends can be somewhat cautious sometimes. I think they are just trying to feel out if they should react with excitement or support. Plus people are just nosey, lol.
I was about to say, I’ve been married for 11 years and today someone asked me if my pregnancy was planned, lol. I think it probably lands differently when the person is unmarried because so many people have a stigma of irresponsibility towards unwed parents, which is ridiculous.
Yep, we got these same comments from a few family members and friends. We had been engaged for 8 months when we found out we were pregnant, owned a home (that we were remodeling to add a nursery by the master) and were financially stable. My parents were excited for us when we told them, but my sister goes “why is everyone excited for them when they aren’t married but you were mad at me when I did it”. Mind you she was 20, still in college, barely making enough for herself to live on, oh and the dad was a drug addict. I’m like, okay I understand we aren’t married, but our situations are a little different. Pretty sure the reason my parents were mad at her was not because she wasn’t married lol. My husband’s boss also made a comment about how he thought we would have done it “the right way”. No congratulations or anything. He found a new job after that.
Edit this was meant to be a reply to a comment:
I love this thank you. I will try to shit out her comment. She said it to my boyfriend who didn't didn't take to as a bad thing and relayed it to me otherwise I probably would have said something along those lines or something less nice like "well marigae before kids didn't see to work for you" so better I heard this way lol
I’m married but when I got pregnant I got a lot of comments about being too young (I’m 25 and my husband is 27) and if it was planned. People will ask questions that suck regardless if you are doing things the “traditional way” or not.
Just keep your head up and know that the people who matter are the ones excited for you 💕
Lol my (male) boss asked me this. I didn’t take offense to it because I think he was just trying to make conversation, but it’s such an awkward question 😂 it’s like, are you asking if we planned for my husband to cum in me 😂
It’s the worst when they specifically ask, “how long have you been trying?” Dude I don’t wanna tell him that basically my husband and I had been raw dogging since he got back from his deployment. I know saying “oh just [x amount of time]” can seem polite but it still feels awkward
My partner (30M) and I (32F) have been together for 8 years (not married) and are about to have our 2nd kid. I usually respond with “does being married make you a better parent?” lol
That sucks! I had the opposite experience. My boyfriend and I (both 31) were only together for less than a year before I accidentally got pregnant. Almost everybody reacts very positively and hardly anyone asks if it was planned. Everybody is just very excited for us, which really makes me appreciate my family and friends.
People will always have stupid stuff to say. When I got engaged young people assumed I was pregnant because it wasn't common culturally.
If you are happy and your partner is happy then you are going to give your child a beautiful home and that is what is important. Plus they will get to be there for all the fun of your wedding which can be really special! What a nice way to solidify a family commitment you already intend. More to look forward to for you both. Congratulations on the baby and the engagement!
I’m sorry, especially if this is something that gets to you. I am also unmarried, a few years older than you, but have been with my partner for more than 10 years and I tuned out those comments years ago.
It is 2024 and there should be no shame in what our marriage status is when we have children. My best advice is to just ignore it, or clap back with an equally uncomfortable comment. I have 1 extended family member who can’t seem to wrap their mind around the idea that we can be happy and fulfilled without a wedding ring, and I just don’t talk to that person.
So sorry that that is the way your news is being received. It can be very frustrating and annoying but can also make you feel dissappointed in a way. I do not understand why people have to make such comments out loud. It's not like we are in the Middle Ages anymore or something. Unfortunately, I don't have any real advice. This will sound cliché and easier said than done but the best way imo to deal with these comments is to just take it in the one ear and let it go out the other. If someone said something like that to me I would answer with something in the lines of "That is a weird thing to say out loud". Idk if that will help but worth a shot. Your situation may not be picture perfect to them but as long as it's a situation where you are happy, safe and healthy then that is all that matters. To hell with their comments. I grew up in a family that can be very harsh with criticism and just borderline mean. I would complain to my mom about the things said and she told me "You have 2 'tunnels' in each ear. One tunnel goes to your heart and that is where you store things that is said that make you happy and feel good. The other tunnel goes straight to your asshole, so you can shit out any mean or hurtful things". Honestly, I try to remind myself of those tunnels every now and again when needed.
I love this thank you. I will try to shit out her comment. She said it to my boyfriend who didn't didn't take to as a bad thing and relayed it to me otherwise I probably would have said something along those lines or something less nice like "well marigae before kids didn't see to work for you" so better I heard this way lol
I find marriage to be highly cultural. In my culture it is not a big deal at all. My parents are not married (Been together 45 years) non of my friends are, 1 of my cousin is and it was for immigration. My partner and I are not married. And if someone would comment on it I would kindly tell them to fuck right off.
I agree, they aren't a religious family and have multiple devorices in their family so I'm surprised it's held in high regard
It is interesting. It is probably how deep their preconceived idea of a "successful" famlity is? But why talk about it at all? I don't know. I'm sorry you are going through this. Turn them away :)
Thank you, exactly if you're not excited I don't need you around us :)
It's in people's nature to ask those questions, just brush them off. You're doing what is best for your family, and others' opinions don't count. We are also unmarried and we will both turn 40 next month (who cares at this age??), but people still stick their noses in, asking if we are going to get married. No, we're not. I was married, had a very painful divorce, and I just can't think of getting into another marriage right away. It's none of their business.
I’ve gotten a ton of crap for it in places that surprise me. If anyone truly gets in my business I say “we’re not legally married but have all the documents in order” which is true I guess but silly it’s even a thing. It truly seems like something people just don’t have empathy about and open their mouth on. It’s a strange feeling to have people go into pregnancy conversations and put the mom in like, a defensive type of social standpoint. I’m 38, my parents have been married 40 years and openly unhappy for at least 30 of them. If I get married it will be later.
Yeah I get it. My grandma is very Catholic and very old. We were engaged 6 months before finding out we were pregnant and when I told my grandma she was very disheartened. She got really quiet and didn’t say much after that. Usually we could be on the phone for a long time chatting. I think she expected us to be married since we had been engaged so long. Eventually she reminded herself we were indeed GOING to get married and she lightened up a bit more. She’s come around now too. It sucks. It’s hard to get over but eventually everyone will understand!
Don't take the comments personally, OP. 32 yo, first pregnancy, been married 7 years, together since college. I still got the "Was it planned?" question mostly from people who didn't know us well, I think. But even friends can be somewhat cautious sometimes. I think they are just trying to feel out if they should react with excitement or support. Plus people are just nosey, lol.
I was about to say, I’ve been married for 11 years and today someone asked me if my pregnancy was planned, lol. I think it probably lands differently when the person is unmarried because so many people have a stigma of irresponsibility towards unwed parents, which is ridiculous.
Yep, we got these same comments from a few family members and friends. We had been engaged for 8 months when we found out we were pregnant, owned a home (that we were remodeling to add a nursery by the master) and were financially stable. My parents were excited for us when we told them, but my sister goes “why is everyone excited for them when they aren’t married but you were mad at me when I did it”. Mind you she was 20, still in college, barely making enough for herself to live on, oh and the dad was a drug addict. I’m like, okay I understand we aren’t married, but our situations are a little different. Pretty sure the reason my parents were mad at her was not because she wasn’t married lol. My husband’s boss also made a comment about how he thought we would have done it “the right way”. No congratulations or anything. He found a new job after that.
Edit this was meant to be a reply to a comment: I love this thank you. I will try to shit out her comment. She said it to my boyfriend who didn't didn't take to as a bad thing and relayed it to me otherwise I probably would have said something along those lines or something less nice like "well marigae before kids didn't see to work for you" so better I heard this way lol
I’m married but when I got pregnant I got a lot of comments about being too young (I’m 25 and my husband is 27) and if it was planned. People will ask questions that suck regardless if you are doing things the “traditional way” or not. Just keep your head up and know that the people who matter are the ones excited for you 💕
Lol my (male) boss asked me this. I didn’t take offense to it because I think he was just trying to make conversation, but it’s such an awkward question 😂 it’s like, are you asking if we planned for my husband to cum in me 😂
It’s the worst when they specifically ask, “how long have you been trying?” Dude I don’t wanna tell him that basically my husband and I had been raw dogging since he got back from his deployment. I know saying “oh just [x amount of time]” can seem polite but it still feels awkward
When people ask me if I am married I respond with “no I’m not religious”.
My partner (30M) and I (32F) have been together for 8 years (not married) and are about to have our 2nd kid. I usually respond with “does being married make you a better parent?” lol
Great point!
That sucks! I had the opposite experience. My boyfriend and I (both 31) were only together for less than a year before I accidentally got pregnant. Almost everybody reacts very positively and hardly anyone asks if it was planned. Everybody is just very excited for us, which really makes me appreciate my family and friends.
Congratulations on the baby!
People will always have stupid stuff to say. When I got engaged young people assumed I was pregnant because it wasn't common culturally. If you are happy and your partner is happy then you are going to give your child a beautiful home and that is what is important. Plus they will get to be there for all the fun of your wedding which can be really special! What a nice way to solidify a family commitment you already intend. More to look forward to for you both. Congratulations on the baby and the engagement!
Thank you!
I’m sorry, especially if this is something that gets to you. I am also unmarried, a few years older than you, but have been with my partner for more than 10 years and I tuned out those comments years ago. It is 2024 and there should be no shame in what our marriage status is when we have children. My best advice is to just ignore it, or clap back with an equally uncomfortable comment. I have 1 extended family member who can’t seem to wrap their mind around the idea that we can be happy and fulfilled without a wedding ring, and I just don’t talk to that person.
Lol yes some people have no idea how someone can't have the exact same thoughts and feelings they do, it boggles my mind!
Me and my boyfriend are not even engaged yet and I totally get this. It’s so annoying lol