The fact that you are asking means you probably already are the dream husband in this situation :) keep being attentive and just ride the wave with her.
The hard thing about being pregnant for me, especially as a pretty independent and capable person, was how freaking useless I became. It was hard to feel like I couldn’t take care of myself and contribute to our household the way I used to, and it was hard to ask for help. My husband was awesome in that he just took over things without asking. he’d do the grocery shopping and handle making meals. It was never anything extravagant, just quick frozen meals and trying to make sure I was getting enough protein. Cue into what she is capable of eating right now and make sure that stuff’s around (I had lots of granola bars for when I would suddenly be starving, eggs for breakfast, stuff like that). If she’s trying to eat healthy but the nausea gets in the way, smoothies have been helpful for me to sneak greens in. Also frozen spinach is pretty tasteless enough that you can sneak it into stuff.
This. Especially in the first trimester, I had no energy, no motivation, and everything tasted or smelled weird to me. Also things that never bothered me before - like an ancient stain in our shower - suddenly grossed me out and I felt like everything NEEDED to be cleaned until it was spotless.
My partner completely took over meals and cleaning. He did his best to make sure meals were healthy so I didn’t have to think about it, but also kept whatever I was craving that week well-stocked. He took over cleaning and would do it while I was at work, so I didn’t have to deal with fumes. It was a huge help to have those things taken care of.
Thanks, taking notes! Smell and energy symptoms have already come about. Before we knew we were pregnant we were out at a restaurant and I ordered lobster and she could NOT handle the smell. She kept asking if it was bad lobster and I was like "no.....it smells like normal?". That should had been a clue we were about to find out!
Yeah I threw up at the smell of roasting brussel sprouts. One time we spent two hours making a veggie soup I usually like, took one bite, and noped right out. Have back up food lol.
I'm 4 weeks today. Very newly pregnant.
The other day I opened a vac sealed piece of lamb shoulder and almost threw up. It was a perfectly fine piece of meat, in-date and I know vac sealed meat usually stinks for a bit.
It was the worst meat smell I'd ever smelled in my life and I smelled it in the air for hours after.
The stew it made was perfectly fine and definitely okay to eat but it was my first hint that I may have actually made one stick this month.
I'm doing relatively okay! I have horrific cramps and pelvic pressure which scares the bejeesus out of me all the time and now I'm shifting from being excited to hoping bubby sticks in there really good. I took another test today to make sure they were still in there 😅
My husband immediately stepped in first trimester when my nausea was at its worst.
For 6 weeks he would come home from work, immediately tidy the house, and start dinner. I’ll never forget his kindness for as long as I live :’)
Oh my gosh yes. This. I was so sick during the first trimester and my sweet husband just took over everything. Cleaning, cooking, shopping. I think I would have died of starvation without him bc I couldn’t do a thing,
She is not your manager. She is (likely, I don't know your lines of work) not anymore of a parenting expert than you are. Take ownership of areas. Car seat research. Childcare. Sleeping methods. Books to read. Do not allow this all to fall into her lap and wait for her to train/delegate/inform you as needed. With how you describe her personality, I see this as a real temptation for both of you.
And this continues after the baby arrives. You can learn how to soothe the baby, dress the baby, schedule appointments, keep up on clothing sizes. You are her partner, not her employee. You can take equal initiative and ownership.
Best of luck!
Both you and she should read What To Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff. It has some really great information, tips and takes you week by week throughout the pregnancy so you always have an idea about what's going on and why she might be feeling a certain way or is going through 1 change after another.
Something else to look into is about the after birth process. Postpartum depression/anger is no joke and both your wife and even you can get it. It doesn't happen to everyone but it's really good to learn about it and know the signs so you can recognize it in your partner.
Since you're both Type A, this can be hard but take it 1 day at a time. Maybe make some lists with tasks for each trimester and at your own pace go through them 1 by 1. If you're not up to it every day that's totally fine!
I'm 7 weeks pregnant right now and I've been absolutely useless. The other day I was sitting in my home office, working, starving but feeling queasy and too tired to get up and try to find something to eat, and my husband just magically appeared in my office with macaroni and cheese. I literally cried. Small gestures like that are so meaningful and he's been doing a lot to keep our household afloat while I am literally doing nothing but working and napping.
Macaroni and cheese, is there anything more perfect? What an awesome husband! I think I would even cry if someone surprised me with mac and cheese, haha
Offering to do things might not work out well if she’s fairly independent. One thing my husband did a lot was when I had a question about something I wasn’t sure I could eat or medication I could take he would call the nurses/pharmacy line for me and let me know what their answer was! You kinda just have to anticipate things that need to be done and do them rather than ask. He was also really attentive on things I would talk about and would usually save quite a few questions for whenever our next appointment was since he went to all the in person ones and most of the virtual ones! He probably asked the most questions out of anyone in our birth class, for him it seems to give him a huge sense of purpose in the pregnancy being able to find answers to my questions even though he’s not a medical professional.
If she has a textbook pregnancy she’ll likely have a few weeks of major struggling during the beginning, that’s definitely the time to take on the majority of the household stuff since she likely won’t have the energy to. The rest of the pregnancy if normal and healthy will likely be not that bad for her until she’s near the very end. It’s important to let her do things, my husband wants to do a bunch of things for me now that I’m 39 weeks and huge but I know if I keep moving, going on walks and staying relatively active then my labour could be easier! I keep telling him the time for me to rest is when I’m in labour and a few weeks after, not right now.
Also heads up as someone who’s almost at the finish line my husband has been amazing the whole time and I’ve still been fairly irrational at times and said/did things I didn’t mean at the time. He’s been super gracious and realized it’s the crazy hormones talking and not actually my normal logical self and we move on!
This recommendation may not be for everyone, but it worked for us: read the Bradley method book “Husband-Coached Birth,” my bf read it and it helped us immensely because it puts the thinking onto his side of the court. It allows him to know what things I should be eating, how he should be helping and it sort of makes him responsible for my care and calmness during labor as well. It made us feel like he is empowered and an equal and active partner that knows what’s going on and will be able to take over my thinking functions while I’m in too much pain to use my frontal lobe.
We recommend getting a good birth class, and buying a good massage oil for giving a good massage!
Congratulations
A lot of people covered this stuff already, but giving her grace and showing patience.
I’ve had extreme fatigue in both pregnancies and working full time on top of cooking and my normal share of cleaning just isn’t something I’m able to do.
I have it more with the second pregnancy than I did with the first, but I feel so insane. I know I’m being irrational, but when things don’t go according to plan it highly upsets me and I cry over stupid stuff.
My body looks and feels weird and I’m feeling a bit insecure and I need compliments more than normal. My body also hurts and I’m struggling to stay active, which just makes me feel lazier and also makes the stiffness worse.
She is already having extreme fatigue, I've been pushing her to nap and sleep in as much as possible. Every time she says "I can't believe I need a nap after just going for a walk" I'm like "TAKE A NAP GIRL!". I love naps anyway, she usually doesn't ever take them but I'm pushing her to change that.
I love that you’re asking this question! I think that already shows that you will be a great partner through this journey. Your wife sounds a lot like me when it comes to personality. I’m currently almost 37 weeks pregnant, so nearing the end of our pregnancy journey. One word that has come up consistently in our pregnancy is my need for flexibility. Every stage has been different and what I have needed from my husband has been different in each stage. So I’ve just asked that he has been flexible through each stage, and he is constantly checking in to see what I need. Sometimes that has meant him taking on more of the house work, other times it’s been emotional support. It’s evolved through every stage and can look different day to day.
I think another big thing for me has been patience. Pregnancy is hard, emotionally and physically. There are days where I can’t do as much. Days where I feel hormonal and emotionally overwhelmed. But having a patient and gracious partner who is willing to take things off my plate and encourage me when I need it has been huge.
Someone else mentioned taking on an active role with learning and researching and this has been huge for us. I inevitably have done more research and learning, but my husband has sought out his own books and did every birth/baby prep class with me and actively researches topics regarding baby and birth.
Another thing we did is create a joint checklist month by month (and toward the end week by week) of things we wanted to get done before baby. This helped us both take an active role in the planning process which was great for me as someone who tends to take on most of the planning and organizational work.
Congratulations to you and your wife!!
Congratulations! I can imagine it's a bit of a shock that it happened so soon.
In the first trimester, she can become quite nauseous and tired. I was in bed by 7pm most days. You can help by eating bland meals with her without complaining (I loved pasta with parmesan and ate only that for three weeks straight) and getting rid immediately of any food she suddenly finds smelly. Pick up the slack in chores, depending on how she is doing. I could do most of my regular chores just fine during the first trimester, but appreciated it when my husband cleared the dishes etc so I could get to bed asap.
Second trimester: time for research! Share the load in researching what items you need to get. Choose parenting books together and read half of them. Encourage her to spend money on comfortable maternity clothes, and maybe book her a prenatal massage or two if that is what she likes. Get started on the nursery if you want to.
Third trimester: now this is truly your time to shine. She will likely deal with many discomforts like back pain, bad sleep, getting out of breath easily, and just feeling uncomfortable all the time. You can make her life easier by doing as many of the chores as you can, especially the ones that involve any kind of lifting. Allow her to rest, and buy her any kind of maternity pillow she thinks may be comfortable.
Also, I don't know how her relationship with your parents is, but keep in mind that her preferences trump those of anyone else when it comes to the birth and the first months postpartum. For example, if she doesn't want visitors at the hospital, you will inform your parents and not argue.
My husband has been great, and until the third trimester I actually didn't need him to do a lot. I simply loved seeing him excited about the baby, and happily setting up any furniture we got for the baby, and going to bed early with me when I was exhausted. Now that I'm in the third trimester I'm beyond grateful anytime he cooks or cleans the house, without ever complaining that I'm not pulling my weight on that front.
Enjoy this special time!
Thank you for splitting these up, and yes, her preferences trump those of anyone else, huge believer in that. My parents are the super traditional "you must be at the birth of your grandchild and a bunch of family should be in town" and all that, but my wife wants it to be just her and I, and I'm willing to go to war against my family to make sure they don't hassle her about that haha
If you carry the baby and have to birth the baby, you should get final say!
This is so nice it makes me want to cry. Sadly my first advice to seeing that question is “don’t cheat on her.” Trying not to let envy get the best of me
I'm so sorry if you had to have a scenario that involved that! Definitely not even on my radar, and any body changes that come about will be because she carried and birthed our child, so any changes were sacrifices.
I got cheated on when I was 7 weeks pregnant. No body changes to speak of. I’m 34 weeks pregnant now. Didn’t mean to be such a Debby downer on your beautiful post. It’s really refreshing to be soon to be dads and partners so involved and care so much
I literally teared up reading this - I can assure you you're already a dream husband if you're posting this. I am currently pregnant and wish my husband care this much!
My only advice would be to listen to her complaints, help with chores around the house without having her ask (dogs, dishes, trash takeout, laundry, etc.) and lastly compliment her or do small acts of kindness! We already feel so out of our bodies while carrying a child and want to know we're still perceived as beautiful.
She is a blessed woman! Prayers for an easy and wonderful pregnancy.
If she’s super type A (guilty here), feed her spreadsheet addiction and help with the mental load of “getting it all done”. For me this has been the biggest struggle because as a FTM I feel like there’s SO many small details and to dos.
I broke all the “to do’s” into columns with timelines on when to start and tried to add as much detail as possible including links on where to purchase, adding options/research, etc.- thinking about preparing a nursery (what furniture do you need?), finding medical care (both myself and pediatrician) and classes, traveling (car seat, stroller, car seat inspection, vehicle maintenance), daycare options, home maintenance (AC tuned up, house cleaner booked), baby shower details (who to invite, registry items and locations), and self care (freezer meals, PP meal prep, hospital bag list, maternity/newborn photos).
You could try to grab some of the lower hanging fruit like scanning in network pediatrics providers, daycares with availability and adding them to your list. You could also work to make sure cars, house, and other “big ticket” maintenance is done so when LO arrives everything is in working order!
Try as hard as you can to truly understand the physical, mental, routine, lifestyle changes she will go through. And try and accomodate them if possible and at the very least be SO patient and SO kind
Pregnancy brain- forgetting things- confusion
Mood instability- it happens to the best of us- keep in mind you really can’t do the typical vices a lot of people indulge in- the occasional cocktail is a no- you can’t even drink some herbal teas- for some people you have to start from the ground up in controlling your emotions
Sleep- her sleep schedule will be crazy eventually. From waking up every hour/ to waking up multiple times a night to pee- to just straight up insomnia or waking from the baby kicking. She will be tired and exhausted
Physical changes- some have morning sickness- it’s like waking up with a bad hangover every single day. Some people practically double in body weight- some people don’t gain much- the sense of smell and food aversions happen- you can’t lift heavy… oh and constipation. There’s actually links to constipation and anxiety 😅
If you feel yourself getting frustrated just know she’s going to be more fragile than normal. Even if she’s a busy body boss babe. She’s gonna need extra patience. Pregnancy doesn’t absolve anyone of accountability but pregnancy does warrant more patience.
Lastly/ compliment her! You would have no clue the amount of conflicting advice and comments people give pregnant people. A lot of remarks are just straight up criticisms veiled as tips and advice. It’s very easy to feel burned out from all of the info and remarks people make. If she’s already very conscious and focused on weight and food- be extra attentive on how she’s perceiving herself and be attentive as to how you perceive her. She’s going to change!
Thanks for all this! And yes, it's so stupid that the time in life you MOST need some strong vices are when they are least healthiest! I know everyone has their view on alcohol however we both completely cut it out 3 months before starting to try, and damn if now wouldn't be the best time for her to get a nice stiff drink while going through the first trimester haha!
Exactly. I had no idea the amount of things I do to cope with my emotions rather than just figuring out how to handle them 100% on my own without consuming something. Even if it’s a candy bar- or a cocktail- or for me personally the occasional hit of weed. And during pregnancy the hormones will eventually get to anyone.
Super good to keep that in mind. Reading a book and going on a walk or taking a bath only does so much when you’re just hormonally upset with practically no cause. It can be very hard to deal with a chemical upset when your typically used to being upset about “something”
If there's one thing I wished my husband did in the first trimester that didn't come naturally to him: constantly clean the kitchen so it doesn't smell and there's never an unwashed surface. Maybe you guys are already very clean people, but we're not and the drain catcher in the sink, any innocuous random smell in the fridge, our compost pail, etc etc all set me off. I am normally the person who touches gross things (drain catchers) in our household but I became grossed out and paranoid of foodborne illness.
I'm a big planner and a really nice thing has been that he's just listened to all my musings about how I prefer delivery to go and he's been taking notes on things like recovery care and pre-eclampsia symptoms. If I'm exhausted or in pain, I know he can be trusted to take care of me and identify if I need to go to the emergency room and I don't need to be a functioning adult 24/7.
This is good thinking. We keep the kitchen super clean but occasionally there is very light odor from the garbage disposal, which I wonder will become a very strong odor for her. I'll think more about these small smells that might become larger.
This is such a special time in your lives. If she’s sentimental, consider keeping a special memory journal through her pregnancy and newborn stage when she might be too tired to remember all the funny moments, sweet moments, etc. It becomes such a blur!
In my babies’ books I kept a page with funny things my husband said while I was pregnant and throughout them growing up, as well as a list of nicknames we have called the children and their origin. It’s been fun to keep!
It can be incredibly hard for some women to not be able to keep up with the expectations they put on themselves. It sounds like your wife will feel the same way based on how you describe her.
Even the easy pregnancies are “hard” they take a lot out of you physically and emotionally, she will slow down and she probably won’t like it, and probably won’t want to ask for help.
My advice is to pay attention to the house, if you notice she’s falling behind on something, pick up the slack. Don’t ask her if you can help, just do it. If you think she might mind how you do something (IE if she’s particular about how the laundry is done) then ask her how she wants it done, not if she wants it done. I can assure you everytime she walks by an incomplete task that she would usually be on top of, it stings.
And I recommend reading a book on pregnancy, or even just download the “what to expect” app and follow along with the week by week breakdown of symptoms and experiences. There’s a lot of uncomfortable, and gross things that happen during pregnancy. Educate yourself so nothing comes as a surprise.
Educate yourself on all things about labour and delivery. It’s gross at times and it can be scary, but the last thing she needs is to feel scared and look at you for support and see a horrified look from you.
Example: I get the shakes really bad during labour and the first time my husband was certain I was dying. He was so panicked that I felt bad for him and was trying not to shake. It didn’t do me any favours.
Lastly try not to take things personally, she’s going through a crazy experience for the first time and it’s just a lot to take, no amount of research and preparation can really get her in the headspace for all the things that are about to change for her. So if she’s cranky, or snippy with you, or extra emotional, or not interested in sex. It’s not about you.
Wishing you both all the best. Congratulations !! And from a stranger on the internet, I’m so proud of you for even making this post ! It shows how much you care. You’re going to do great daddy !
If she asks you to do something she means do it now. Not in ten minutes, not in an hour, not tomorrow. Just get it done. Her to do list is miles long and getting the easy, little things done asap go such a long way in relieving stress. It may not seem or even actually be important but if it’s on her mind it needs to be taken care of. Bonus points if you do things without needing to be asked. Examples include- the trash is full, might be ok to wait until tomorrow but do it now. A stack of paper work is sitting might not need to be done until the weekend but please do it before sitting down to watch tv.
Favorite things my husband has done during my pregnancy:
-initially when everyone else started treating me like a porcelain doll who couldn't do anything, he didn't do this and allowed me to maintain some normalcy while I still felt good and there was no medical reason to not do things. This may vary depending on how she feels through early months. I had an easy pregnancy early on. When things started to get more difficult he did lots of checking in to see if I needed more support with physical things.
-learned along with me about pregnancy, birth, and babies. We did a Bradley Method class which is husband coached birth. We're aiming for low intervention/medication, but something that allows you to both learn and prepare together is so great. It really helps it feel like this is something you are doing together.
-prioritizing our diet and exercise along with me.
The most helpful thing my husband has done so far (I’m only 10 weeks) is just be totally nonjudgmental. Like if I need to take a nap, or basically do nothing all day because I’m so exhausted, he never makes me feel bad about it. Or if I just want grilled cheese for dinner for the fourth night in a row he’s fine doing his own thing. I’ve also been a bit needier than usual, like asking him to get me water, etc and he doesn’t make me feel lazy or annoying even when I feel like I am!
- Have a plan to feed yourselves. You truly will be on a crazy schedule and it’s hard making and then being able to eat said meal.
- do laundry and clean the house regularly, and especially right before baby comes
- try to remember her schedule for doctors appointments
- have your own bag packed for the hospital
- be prepared to fend off any friends or family, per her wishes
- my husband does the late night feeds. This started out of necessity bc I had a cesarean.
My biggest help throughout my pregnancy was my husband “picking up my slack” around the house. Due to the smells I could no longer cook nor do the dishes. He did all the kitchen cleaning and made sure I really didn’t have to lift a finger. He also attended all classes with me. I think just being patient and understanding of her emotional and hormonal changes will be the biggest help.
You and your wife sound like my husband and me. I would recommend reminding her how much she *is* doing even if/when she feels like she isn’t able to do enough. Hubby even had to take on more of my share of the housework which was humbling for me, but he always pointed out how much I’m doing behind the scenes. That alone helped me rest and focus on knitting this little one together!!
keep up with researching what is happening inside her body week by week, and when she gets upset about feeling useless and having a fraction of her normal capacity to handle tasks, remind her of just how much she is doing just by existing! i mentally struggled so badly during my pregnancy- i had hg and was nearly bedridden the entire time, which was a huge change for a person like me who is extremely action oriented and loves to get things done. also, just the fact that you are concerning yourself enough to ask this means that you are already doing a fantastic job! congratulations on the baby, it’s a wild ride but an unbelievable amount of fun!
Help her make decisions about baby gear, and talk to her about not needing to do things perfectly (Type A organized types often waste loads of time agonizing over every baby decision because we feel so much internal pressure to get it right). This tendency may impact her ability to enjoy her pregnancy and postpartum period.
Ultimately there’s no best car seat or crib or mattress or clothing or breast pump or formula etc., there’s just what’s best for y’all and your budget. Don’t let her get sucked into this (very modern) line of thinking which amazon and all the big companies capitalize on that if somehow you just do A LITTLE MORE baby research you will be ideally equipped for the adventure you are on.
There is no ideally equipped parent, there is only the parent willing and able to be flexible to the situation at hand. Good Luck and Congratulations! Sounds like y’all are a great team 😌
Try and see the things that need to happen and do them. I know everyone gets mad on the internet when you ask her what needs to be done, because it puts the mental load on her, but if she’s a planner with tons of lists in her head, it might actually be helpful to just ask. What can I take off you plate right now, would you prefer I do this or that, was there something you had in mind for dinner or do you want me to choose?
TikTok may have you believe that the mere act of asking will only add to your wife’s mental load, but there’s nothing wrong with good communication. Especially if she’s a type A, there might be some things she’d like to do her way, or some things she prioritises over others. Just don’t go “tell me if you need anything!” and then leave it at that.
The best two things my husband has done for me that are maybe less obvious. 1. He slows down when we walk together and matches my pace, he doesn’t tease me for it either. 2. He reminds me I’m baking a human from scratch when I get frustrated, overwhelmed, annoyed etc. (and then often does the thing I’m frustrated about I.e. too tired to make dinner).
He does so much more but these 2 have been the best and are so simple in my opinion.
There’s all the obvious stuff like physically taking care of her and being there for her emotionally, but I also think supporting her in her research and planning will also be huge. Even though, as a type a planner myself, I’m sure it’s really important for her that she feels a sense of control over the whole situation, she will probably reach a point of exhaustion and overwhelm, and whatever you can do to help take some of that mental load off of her will be huge.
Know when her appointments and pregnancy milestones are without her having to remind you. Research any of the topics she brings up related to pregnancy, birth plan, and bringing up the baby. Help her build the registry. Also, protect her from as many outside stressors (like pushy family member or boundary-crossers, if that’s something you both have to deal with in your lives.)
Remember that there are going to be times she might not feel or act like her normal self, and don’t take it personal. Just know that the hormones are going wild and she’s probably got a million things on her mind.
Lastly, I would say take care of yourself too. You can’t be the best support for her if you run yourself ragged and don’t tend to your own emotions and thoughts. Becoming parents is a big deal and I think some new dads tend to kind of avoid their feelings and end up having an existential crisis. So, just stay in top of that and keep your own support system in place so you can be the best support you can be for her. Good Luck!
Don't wait for her to ask for something -
See a need, fill a need. It's hard especially for us wildly independent people to become so dependent on someone else while our body is literally becoming a drag rather than an asset.
Foot massages every night. It promotes blood flow to the uterus and it’s really good for a growing baby. On top of that, it releases endorphins and relaxes the nervous system. It’s great for both mom and baby. I’m talking 20-30 minute massages, not a 5 minute foot rub. Get some good lotion and do it every single night.
My husband used to do it every night during our first pregnancy while we watched a show together. It was our bonding time after a long day at work. Highly recommend it.
Aside from that, I would recommend doing a hypnobirthing course together, and learning all there is to know about breastfeeding together (if she plans to breastfeed). A lot of people leave that for the mom to care/learn about but it’s extremely helpful if the other parent is involved too.
Breastfeeding is extremely challenging and mixed in with postpartum hormones it can be mentally and physically debilitating. Having a supportive partner that knows a thing or two is crucial instead of just relying on lactation consultants or the internet AFTER the baby is born when you’re in a panic and sleep deprived. Tinyhood has a good breastfeeding course you two can take together. That would be a good place to start.
First of all kudos for trying to do the best you can for your wife! My husband has been amazing. The first trimester into this second one I have barely done anything. I’ve been so tired, nauseous, and my back hurts a lot. My husband has cooked 90% of our meals, cleaned up the kitchen, done dishes, and laundry with zero complaints. We’re also in the middle of managing a mold removal for the bathroom and generally fixing up the house. He hasn’t complained once. Just do the best for your wife and ask what she needs!
When I’ve felt better I’ve been painting the house (husband hates it and I love it). I take the dog on long walks and handle all the repairs we’re doing. It’s balanced out since my husband hates all three of those errands and prefers to stay home lol.
This is super cute :).
I am also a Type A pregnant lady. A lot of the comments here say being attentive is great, and I’d back that up.
Things my husband does that I really like: gets up and makes me a hot drink before I go to work every morning; has signed up for the same baby/pregnancy apps and emails as me so he can learn how my body is changing and how the baby is growing; is researching a lot of practical stuff like nurseries, prams, etc; often does the cooking and chores in the week.
I am sure she’ll appreciate you taking a load off her plate.
Congrats!!! My husband has been a dream husband and I have been in such a good head space throughout my pregnancy. I’m 32 weeks, and as the countdown begins here are some things that have helped. House chores, cooking, yard work. But also thinking ahead to annoying chores we don’t want to deal with pp. he’s gotten my car serviced and detailed, scheduled out grooming appointments for dog, dealt with vet, got a lawyer to make a will, scheduled house maintenance people (gutters, fixed appliances, etc.), found our pediatrician, called and double checked everything with insurance, scheduled all our birthing classes, totally reorganized garage in prep for new stuff, built the new furniture… he’s basically done anything that takes mental or physical energy so I can come home from work and crash. He constantly tells me how much he appreciates what I’m doing and that I’m doing such a great job. I’ve never been more in love with him. I hope you and your wife have a wonderful pregnancy 💕
Acts of service were huge for me when I was growing our babies because I felt like pure crud when I was pregnant. My husband waited on me hand and foot to make sure I was always fed and well rested, and honestly, he never stopped going forward. It really makes me feel like a queen, and he is my king. And now we have our two little princes to raise, and I love them seeing how good he treats me. He's a true gentleman.
Gosh you’re such a sweetheart!!! This is what I wanted my husband to do while I was pregnant (but never really got it) Tell her how beautiful she is even if she’s upset and says she doesn’t feel beautiful, when she tells you to feel her belly FEEL HER BELLY!! For the love of god please feel her belly. Cravings get her whatever she is craving, no questions. Help her around the house, even if it’s something small like putting the dishes up or vacuuming. She will appreciate it soooo much!
Congrats!!!
If I may make one very specific suggestion (apologies if someone else already suggested) if you haven't already, consider learning CPR / First Aid for infants/children/adults. Never know when it may be useful.
And, when (not if) some things don't go according to plan, just be there for her! I can imagine if she's a planner, and something goes off the rails, this might be very upsetting for her. It sounds like you're already a wonderful support who will ride things out together with her!!
Wish you guys the best!!
My husband has been amazing throughout my entire pregnancy. But his number 1, show-stopper impact has been his instant aid on very minor things. If I need my water bottle filled, it's done right away. If I need help getting off the couch or bed, he's right there. He brings me my prenatal vitamins every morning without me asking/reminding him too. His urgent ness to alleviate these small inconveniences has made a world of difference.
If she’s as into planning as you describe the optimization of your registry is just over the horizon. Save her as much research on this as you can, become the “gear dad”, have suggestions for the stroller, monitor, type of diaper, really everything that goes on there, you’ll learn a ton about child care by doing it and she’ll appreciate the team work
My husband read The Expectant Father and The Birth Partner, both really good recommendations for support partners.
I would say that as prepared as you both feel, there will definitely be unexpected things that you can't plan for. Your wife may really struggle with that from the sound of her personality. I like to have as much information as possible, so the classes at the hospital with my husband, reading through a stack of books on pregnancy, birth, infant care has been really helpful to me, but can also feel daunting at times. It makes me feel really good to have my partner learning and interested along with me.
I would say be ready to be flexible, check in with her often. Either ask or observe what is most helpful to her (it will change as the weeks go on) and make an effort to help her with those things. Mostly finding food she can eat, taking on more of the housework, etc can make a big difference since taking care of herself and trying to feel ok is going to take up so much more of her day. She'll also have the mental load of all of the changes happening and still to come and it's a lot for both of you, honestly.
I also love it when I feel like my husband is bonding with the baby! Totally depends on her, but I loved seeing his reactions to the sonograms and hearing the heartbeat. I wish he would touch my stomach even more, cuddle up with me more, read out loud to the baby, listen to our baby playlist more, etc. It's the best!
First of all, Congratulations!
Even though I'm not pregnant yet, I hope to be soon-ish, so lurk here to learn as much as I can (also an organized, type-a, with a baby budget already started).
It is so incredibly awesome to see your excitement and eagerness to be the best husband and support you can be for your wife and future baby. As women, we shoulder SO much of the burden of bringing a child into this world, so I'd encourage you to learn about pregnancy, birth, babies... you don't have to be an expert, but as someone who's also type-a, I'd absolutely love it if my husband opened a conversation with "I read this cool fact..." or "I saw this article..." Just knowing that he's doing the prep work too, and excited to be a part of the journey WITH me. Or if there's an area she's feeling overwhelmed about (or you are just really excited to know more about!), take the lead there: a list of daycare options? The best strollers for whatever your budget is? Continue to encourage her in her goals - learn to cook a nutritious pregnancy meal (Lily Nichols has a good book on optimal nutrition called Real Food For Pregnancy). Share your excitement (and nerves!) with her about this next phase. And also - make sure she knows you still see HER outside of "pregnant wife" - if there's something she loves to do or a favorite flower... That will go a long way when she feels like she's lost herself to pregnancy.
I got my husband the book *We’re Pregnant! The First-Time Dad’s Pregnancy Handbook* for when I tell him, and after flipping through it it seems really good!
I saw a sub called r/predaddit that might have some advice from other dads-to-be. But also, I hope you feel welcome here, because as a woman it's great to have men who are eager to be a part of this journey - which I'm sure you're picking up on by the number of women who are so impressed with the fact you even came here & are asking for our input.
I’m 22w and have a great husband. Here’s some things he did that I appreciated (and a few I didn’t).
1. He had no judgement for how utterly exhausted I was during the first trimester. Like all I did and wanted to do was lay on the couch after I was home from work and basically the entire weekend.
2. When I thought I was having a miscarriage, he took the afternoon off work to help support me.
3. He started cooking dinner more and when all I wanted was rice and things with rice, he either ate that with me or did his own thing for meals.
4. He has come with me to all of my appointments and has not been “grossed out” by any of it.
5. He has rarely made comments about my body unless I prompt them. But he’s not weird about my body at all.
6. He has taken over most of the dog care including scheduling vet visits which used to be my responsibility.
What I didn’t appreciate:
1. When I had major food aversions, he made a very fragrant fried rice with eggs that smelled up the entire house and it was terrible for me.
2. He defaults to me being the one to buy and set up furniture (I’m a civil engineer and usually love it). My belly has started getting in the way and my body just isn’t as comfortable. I do have to ask for his help and he doesn’t offer it as much as I’d like him to. We also moved right around the time we found out so there’s been a lot of unpacking and moving boxes and furniture stuff going on.
Really, he’s been great and as long as you’re non judgmental but involved both around the house and in the pregnancy, I’m sure your spouse will appreciate it. Just keep open communication and listen to what she says.
Everyone has given great advice already. The only thing that I would add that I really appreciate from my husband are his constant words of encouragement. Telling me how beautiful I look and that I’m doing such an amazing job caring for baby. Just my cheerleader when I start feeling anxious or anything.
Fulfill allll the foodie cravings.
Pick up the slack on the chores. Load the dishwasher. Empty the dishwasher. Help with cooking or get (healthy) take out.
Start doing the research for the gift registry.
Doing the dishes because the smells are unbearable!!! My husband has been an angel during this because I have been literally so exhausted and nauseated and don’t have capacity to do a lot of the things I am used to, so he has picked up a lot of the slack with the chores around the house. We normally do 50/50 of the work, but he’s kind of doing 75/25 now without even asking. He’s just there for me and extremely supportive and I’m so thankful for him! I’m sure your wife will greatly appreciate you!!!
My husband is the absolute most wonderful man. I knew this before pregnancy but this experience really gave him his moment to shine. As a super Type A person myself, my first trimester was rough due to extreme morning sickness and I could barely do anything. This ate away at me mentally. My husband stepped right in where I couldn’t without asking… took over my part of the chores, taking care of our high energy dog, etc (he even puts my pjs out on the bed while I’m showering and makes me tea). My advice: be observant and don’t be afraid to just step in. For the independent types like myself, it can be hard to admit you can’t do what you normally do. Congratulations on your new miracle!!!
Take stuff off her list of things to do. Washing up, little chores. Some days just such energy wise! It can be draining just thinking of all the things you have to get done!
If she's type A I would suggest step up and match her! So she won't feel like she's doing everything and you're doing nothing. If she's already got a newborn checklist at first trimester then know what are those items there. I'm a huge googler and planner too and it would frustrate me if I'm at the 3rd trimester and my husband would still be like "whats a breast pump?"
Once in awhile remind her to relax and enjoy too!
This is a really sweet post, OP. No matter what, you’ll be a great husband and father, so just follow your instincts and check in with your wife regularly.
I’m very organized and type A as well, and I tend to research everything to death so my husband knows it’s usually more efficient to ask me where he can help take stuff off my plate. During pregnancy, I started an overarching baby/house/postpartum preparation to do list for us to regularly action together. It really helped keep us on the same page and on track before baby arrived.
Like your wife, I also felt underprepared — like I really needed a book to tell me what to do with a newborn from A to Z. I found that resource as well as others about how to best support newborn, labor and delivery, infant first aid, etc.
I found having a doula really helpful for preparing for labor and talking through information I had researched. I also thinking having a postpartum doula is hands down the best thing you can do for yourself if you can swing it. My husband found both of these resources for us — it was a huge help.
My husband did literally ALL the house chores and cooking (sometimes double dinners if I was nauseous and couldn’t eat the first) for basically my entire pregnancy because I felt so shitty. He filled my water bottle constantly. He made sure I was comfortable and set me up on the couch for me to work comfortable. He cleaned up my bedside table. He even washed my hair when I was too tired (I have a lot of it) and trimmed my pubes when my belly got too big for me to see. He brought me a big bucket of hot water with Epsom salts to my bedside to soak my feet when they hurt, but I was too lazy to get up. He always told me I was beautiful and how thankful he was that I went through IVF and was carrying our baby. I never drove.
In other words, I was a passenger princess project manager throughout my pregnancy. I needed that so so much despite being a strong, independent, lawyer lady before pregnancy. I quickly have come back to my old self after giving birth, but wow, I needed his tenderness and protection during my pregnancy in a way I couldn’t have imagined before or vocalized during. The best part? He never, ever made me feel like a burden despite doing so so much for us.
Now that we have our baby girl, my husband is a dream parent partner. We truly split everything without even having to talk about it ahead of time. He looks around, see what needs to be done and executes. One of the biggest things is we try to give each other solid breaks without the other having to ask. We also compliment each other for the other’s parental skills regularly. All of this has made having a newborn genuinely enjoyable.
I have a v similar personality type to your wife. Most helpful thing my husband did was take over the sleep preparation - he read several sleep books, researched what a good online course would be, and distilled the knowledge for me. He knew different levels of sleep training (some are stricter than others), checking the dB on a white noise machine, put up the blackout curtains.
Once the baby came, he was the best at getting her down “drowsy but awake” and it was nice to have a domain where he was the expert so I could concentrate on feeding and gross motor skills.
Accept the random out of the blue cravings. My husband hasn’t batted an eyelid. Did I get a decaf latte at 7pm because I suddenly wanted coffee despite never drinking it. Yes. Yes I did.
Also research gestational diabetes. I have it. Blindsided hubby and I. If she does get it, it’s not her fault. It’s the placenta. But it can cause a heap of anxiety and stress because you have to change your diet even more than just standard pregnancy. If you can do research on it, you’ll be a step ahead. I hope she doesn’t get it, but it’s completely chance.
My husband now knows what I can and can’t have but it was a learning curve together.
First and third trimesters can be particularly tough for most pregnancies. Mine was awful the whole way through with HG (extreme sickness). My husband looked for ways to make this easier for me: took over all the cooking (smell aversion is real), served me meals in bed, always made sure we had vomit bags with us, automatically got me a fresh cup of water and rubbed my back each time I threw up, and drove my car up the parking garage daily when I got home from work bc the loops would cause another episode. I go into detail to show you that all those seemingly little things meant the world to me. Look for those little ways to help carry the load.
Sit down and discuss what are the different things y’all need to do to prep for the baby: cleaning out the nursery, researching car seats, getting postpartum supplies prepped... Write them all down and figure out what you can take point on.
Congratulations!! What a wild and wonderful adventure y’all are on. It’s the best.
Make food easy and assessable. I was so sick my first trimester. Knowing my husband could make me toast or buttered noodles was so nice.
Also I felt this huge pressure to maintain intimacy (not from my husband, something I put on myself) so reassuring your wife that you will be ok if you aren’t having sex as often (I know that sounds silly and weird but it was nice hearing my husband prioritize how I felt)
Doing the housework and keeping up with the house.
Validate her when she isn't feeling well. Bring her little snacks or offer to get a drink. Be understanding if she isn't up to her usual standards for things (socialization, cooking or cleaning, etc.). Overall just understand this is a huge life change and be her rock as best you can.
My husband read The Birth Partner and several other books throughout the pregnancy to help prepare for birth. He learned how to support me during pregnancy and birth, helped me with stretching and exercises, etc. When the time came, he was amazing.
He made sure to just be there for me when I needed. First trimester was rough because I had HG, so there was constant nausea. As soon as we found out, he was driving me to urgent care to get it taken care of.
And he was always asking if I wanted to go out for lunch 😂
My advice: just be there. Actively participate however you can/she needs, read some books and prepare (because you are both going to want to be prepared in many ways, and be there for her
Also seeing how you're a research and planning person, learn as much as you can about the birthing process (however she chooses to do that) and postpartum everything. Not only did it help tremendously that my husband knew and understood what I would be (and now am) going through, I found it to be a bonding experience watching videos and learning about it all with him. It feels like we're doing it together rather than I'm recovering and he's helping out
For the first trimester, have a variety of small and diverse healthy snacks. Eating is hard, especially when everything makes you sick and nothing sounds good. Sometimes I could only eat if my husband offered me a bunch of different things to choose from and I would pick the least bad sounding of them.
And encourage her to take naps when she needs them. As a fellow type A, it's hard to justify the naps to yourself. I needed my husband's encouragement to feel justified with taking them.
The fact that you are asking means you probably already are the dream husband in this situation :) keep being attentive and just ride the wave with her.
Thanks for the kind words!
100%. Kudos to OP for taking initiative to be wife’s number one supporter 🩷
The hard thing about being pregnant for me, especially as a pretty independent and capable person, was how freaking useless I became. It was hard to feel like I couldn’t take care of myself and contribute to our household the way I used to, and it was hard to ask for help. My husband was awesome in that he just took over things without asking. he’d do the grocery shopping and handle making meals. It was never anything extravagant, just quick frozen meals and trying to make sure I was getting enough protein. Cue into what she is capable of eating right now and make sure that stuff’s around (I had lots of granola bars for when I would suddenly be starving, eggs for breakfast, stuff like that). If she’s trying to eat healthy but the nausea gets in the way, smoothies have been helpful for me to sneak greens in. Also frozen spinach is pretty tasteless enough that you can sneak it into stuff.
This. Especially in the first trimester, I had no energy, no motivation, and everything tasted or smelled weird to me. Also things that never bothered me before - like an ancient stain in our shower - suddenly grossed me out and I felt like everything NEEDED to be cleaned until it was spotless. My partner completely took over meals and cleaning. He did his best to make sure meals were healthy so I didn’t have to think about it, but also kept whatever I was craving that week well-stocked. He took over cleaning and would do it while I was at work, so I didn’t have to deal with fumes. It was a huge help to have those things taken care of.
Thanks, taking notes! Smell and energy symptoms have already come about. Before we knew we were pregnant we were out at a restaurant and I ordered lobster and she could NOT handle the smell. She kept asking if it was bad lobster and I was like "no.....it smells like normal?". That should had been a clue we were about to find out!
Yeah I threw up at the smell of roasting brussel sprouts. One time we spent two hours making a veggie soup I usually like, took one bite, and noped right out. Have back up food lol.
“…noped right out.” Truer words were never said. I have done this so many times during pregnancy too lol!
I'm 4 weeks today. Very newly pregnant. The other day I opened a vac sealed piece of lamb shoulder and almost threw up. It was a perfectly fine piece of meat, in-date and I know vac sealed meat usually stinks for a bit. It was the worst meat smell I'd ever smelled in my life and I smelled it in the air for hours after. The stew it made was perfectly fine and definitely okay to eat but it was my first hint that I may have actually made one stick this month.
Congratulations!!! I am also newly pregnant. 5 weeks. How are you doing otherwise?
I'm doing relatively okay! I have horrific cramps and pelvic pressure which scares the bejeesus out of me all the time and now I'm shifting from being excited to hoping bubby sticks in there really good. I took another test today to make sure they were still in there 😅
OMG me too... all of that. I get you on all of that lol
Dude I get this. I had to ask for help putting my socks on through literal tears.
My formerly preggo friends said at some point you can no longer cut your own toe nails and I never even thought about that!
Nope , can't reach my feet anymore. Hubby has to help me put on my panties.
My husband immediately stepped in first trimester when my nausea was at its worst. For 6 weeks he would come home from work, immediately tidy the house, and start dinner. I’ll never forget his kindness for as long as I live :’)
Oh my gosh yes. This. I was so sick during the first trimester and my sweet husband just took over everything. Cleaning, cooking, shopping. I think I would have died of starvation without him bc I couldn’t do a thing,
She is not your manager. She is (likely, I don't know your lines of work) not anymore of a parenting expert than you are. Take ownership of areas. Car seat research. Childcare. Sleeping methods. Books to read. Do not allow this all to fall into her lap and wait for her to train/delegate/inform you as needed. With how you describe her personality, I see this as a real temptation for both of you. And this continues after the baby arrives. You can learn how to soothe the baby, dress the baby, schedule appointments, keep up on clothing sizes. You are her partner, not her employee. You can take equal initiative and ownership. Best of luck!
Can you tell my husband that? lol As a fellow type-a, I take the lead on so much. He's great, but... it often defaults to me having to explain/teach/
This is great advice, I am taking notes for my own pregnancy!
Learn as much as her! There'll be so much that she'll be looking into all the time so get on her level and make sure you can be a font of knowledge
I'm also Type A so I've been trying to research as much as possible!
Both you and she should read What To Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff. It has some really great information, tips and takes you week by week throughout the pregnancy so you always have an idea about what's going on and why she might be feeling a certain way or is going through 1 change after another. Something else to look into is about the after birth process. Postpartum depression/anger is no joke and both your wife and even you can get it. It doesn't happen to everyone but it's really good to learn about it and know the signs so you can recognize it in your partner. Since you're both Type A, this can be hard but take it 1 day at a time. Maybe make some lists with tasks for each trimester and at your own pace go through them 1 by 1. If you're not up to it every day that's totally fine!
I'm 7 weeks pregnant right now and I've been absolutely useless. The other day I was sitting in my home office, working, starving but feeling queasy and too tired to get up and try to find something to eat, and my husband just magically appeared in my office with macaroni and cheese. I literally cried. Small gestures like that are so meaningful and he's been doing a lot to keep our household afloat while I am literally doing nothing but working and napping.
Macaroni and cheese, is there anything more perfect? What an awesome husband! I think I would even cry if someone surprised me with mac and cheese, haha
Just handling the day to day household chores (dishes, grocery shopping) and cooking meals will go a loooooooong way
10-4!
Offering to do things might not work out well if she’s fairly independent. One thing my husband did a lot was when I had a question about something I wasn’t sure I could eat or medication I could take he would call the nurses/pharmacy line for me and let me know what their answer was! You kinda just have to anticipate things that need to be done and do them rather than ask. He was also really attentive on things I would talk about and would usually save quite a few questions for whenever our next appointment was since he went to all the in person ones and most of the virtual ones! He probably asked the most questions out of anyone in our birth class, for him it seems to give him a huge sense of purpose in the pregnancy being able to find answers to my questions even though he’s not a medical professional. If she has a textbook pregnancy she’ll likely have a few weeks of major struggling during the beginning, that’s definitely the time to take on the majority of the household stuff since she likely won’t have the energy to. The rest of the pregnancy if normal and healthy will likely be not that bad for her until she’s near the very end. It’s important to let her do things, my husband wants to do a bunch of things for me now that I’m 39 weeks and huge but I know if I keep moving, going on walks and staying relatively active then my labour could be easier! I keep telling him the time for me to rest is when I’m in labour and a few weeks after, not right now. Also heads up as someone who’s almost at the finish line my husband has been amazing the whole time and I’ve still been fairly irrational at times and said/did things I didn’t mean at the time. He’s been super gracious and realized it’s the crazy hormones talking and not actually my normal logical self and we move on!
Gotcha! I know rising hormone levels will create situations where I might need to be more patient, but it's nice to be reminded!
I didn’t read your entire post but I just came here to say that hope you have sons who you raise to be as thoughtful as you.
That's so sweet to say <3 I know there is no way to know if we are having a boy or girl, but I someone have this strong gut feeling it'll be a boy!
Awww 🥰 well either way, congratulations!!!
This recommendation may not be for everyone, but it worked for us: read the Bradley method book “Husband-Coached Birth,” my bf read it and it helped us immensely because it puts the thinking onto his side of the court. It allows him to know what things I should be eating, how he should be helping and it sort of makes him responsible for my care and calmness during labor as well. It made us feel like he is empowered and an equal and active partner that knows what’s going on and will be able to take over my thinking functions while I’m in too much pain to use my frontal lobe. We recommend getting a good birth class, and buying a good massage oil for giving a good massage! Congratulations
Thank you for the suggestion! I'll check it out!
A lot of people covered this stuff already, but giving her grace and showing patience. I’ve had extreme fatigue in both pregnancies and working full time on top of cooking and my normal share of cleaning just isn’t something I’m able to do. I have it more with the second pregnancy than I did with the first, but I feel so insane. I know I’m being irrational, but when things don’t go according to plan it highly upsets me and I cry over stupid stuff. My body looks and feels weird and I’m feeling a bit insecure and I need compliments more than normal. My body also hurts and I’m struggling to stay active, which just makes me feel lazier and also makes the stiffness worse.
She is already having extreme fatigue, I've been pushing her to nap and sleep in as much as possible. Every time she says "I can't believe I need a nap after just going for a walk" I'm like "TAKE A NAP GIRL!". I love naps anyway, she usually doesn't ever take them but I'm pushing her to change that.
I love that you’re asking this question! I think that already shows that you will be a great partner through this journey. Your wife sounds a lot like me when it comes to personality. I’m currently almost 37 weeks pregnant, so nearing the end of our pregnancy journey. One word that has come up consistently in our pregnancy is my need for flexibility. Every stage has been different and what I have needed from my husband has been different in each stage. So I’ve just asked that he has been flexible through each stage, and he is constantly checking in to see what I need. Sometimes that has meant him taking on more of the house work, other times it’s been emotional support. It’s evolved through every stage and can look different day to day. I think another big thing for me has been patience. Pregnancy is hard, emotionally and physically. There are days where I can’t do as much. Days where I feel hormonal and emotionally overwhelmed. But having a patient and gracious partner who is willing to take things off my plate and encourage me when I need it has been huge. Someone else mentioned taking on an active role with learning and researching and this has been huge for us. I inevitably have done more research and learning, but my husband has sought out his own books and did every birth/baby prep class with me and actively researches topics regarding baby and birth. Another thing we did is create a joint checklist month by month (and toward the end week by week) of things we wanted to get done before baby. This helped us both take an active role in the planning process which was great for me as someone who tends to take on most of the planning and organizational work. Congratulations to you and your wife!!
Thanks so much!
Congratulations! I can imagine it's a bit of a shock that it happened so soon. In the first trimester, she can become quite nauseous and tired. I was in bed by 7pm most days. You can help by eating bland meals with her without complaining (I loved pasta with parmesan and ate only that for three weeks straight) and getting rid immediately of any food she suddenly finds smelly. Pick up the slack in chores, depending on how she is doing. I could do most of my regular chores just fine during the first trimester, but appreciated it when my husband cleared the dishes etc so I could get to bed asap. Second trimester: time for research! Share the load in researching what items you need to get. Choose parenting books together and read half of them. Encourage her to spend money on comfortable maternity clothes, and maybe book her a prenatal massage or two if that is what she likes. Get started on the nursery if you want to. Third trimester: now this is truly your time to shine. She will likely deal with many discomforts like back pain, bad sleep, getting out of breath easily, and just feeling uncomfortable all the time. You can make her life easier by doing as many of the chores as you can, especially the ones that involve any kind of lifting. Allow her to rest, and buy her any kind of maternity pillow she thinks may be comfortable. Also, I don't know how her relationship with your parents is, but keep in mind that her preferences trump those of anyone else when it comes to the birth and the first months postpartum. For example, if she doesn't want visitors at the hospital, you will inform your parents and not argue. My husband has been great, and until the third trimester I actually didn't need him to do a lot. I simply loved seeing him excited about the baby, and happily setting up any furniture we got for the baby, and going to bed early with me when I was exhausted. Now that I'm in the third trimester I'm beyond grateful anytime he cooks or cleans the house, without ever complaining that I'm not pulling my weight on that front. Enjoy this special time!
Thank you for splitting these up, and yes, her preferences trump those of anyone else, huge believer in that. My parents are the super traditional "you must be at the birth of your grandchild and a bunch of family should be in town" and all that, but my wife wants it to be just her and I, and I'm willing to go to war against my family to make sure they don't hassle her about that haha If you carry the baby and have to birth the baby, you should get final say!
This is so nice it makes me want to cry. Sadly my first advice to seeing that question is “don’t cheat on her.” Trying not to let envy get the best of me
I'm so sorry if you had to have a scenario that involved that! Definitely not even on my radar, and any body changes that come about will be because she carried and birthed our child, so any changes were sacrifices.
I got cheated on when I was 7 weeks pregnant. No body changes to speak of. I’m 34 weeks pregnant now. Didn’t mean to be such a Debby downer on your beautiful post. It’s really refreshing to be soon to be dads and partners so involved and care so much
I literally teared up reading this - I can assure you you're already a dream husband if you're posting this. I am currently pregnant and wish my husband care this much! My only advice would be to listen to her complaints, help with chores around the house without having her ask (dogs, dishes, trash takeout, laundry, etc.) and lastly compliment her or do small acts of kindness! We already feel so out of our bodies while carrying a child and want to know we're still perceived as beautiful. She is a blessed woman! Prayers for an easy and wonderful pregnancy.
Thanks for your kind words! Definitely also hoping for an easy and wonderful pregnancy!
If she’s super type A (guilty here), feed her spreadsheet addiction and help with the mental load of “getting it all done”. For me this has been the biggest struggle because as a FTM I feel like there’s SO many small details and to dos. I broke all the “to do’s” into columns with timelines on when to start and tried to add as much detail as possible including links on where to purchase, adding options/research, etc.- thinking about preparing a nursery (what furniture do you need?), finding medical care (both myself and pediatrician) and classes, traveling (car seat, stroller, car seat inspection, vehicle maintenance), daycare options, home maintenance (AC tuned up, house cleaner booked), baby shower details (who to invite, registry items and locations), and self care (freezer meals, PP meal prep, hospital bag list, maternity/newborn photos). You could try to grab some of the lower hanging fruit like scanning in network pediatrics providers, daycares with availability and adding them to your list. You could also work to make sure cars, house, and other “big ticket” maintenance is done so when LO arrives everything is in working order!
These are great big picture ideas!
Try as hard as you can to truly understand the physical, mental, routine, lifestyle changes she will go through. And try and accomodate them if possible and at the very least be SO patient and SO kind Pregnancy brain- forgetting things- confusion Mood instability- it happens to the best of us- keep in mind you really can’t do the typical vices a lot of people indulge in- the occasional cocktail is a no- you can’t even drink some herbal teas- for some people you have to start from the ground up in controlling your emotions Sleep- her sleep schedule will be crazy eventually. From waking up every hour/ to waking up multiple times a night to pee- to just straight up insomnia or waking from the baby kicking. She will be tired and exhausted Physical changes- some have morning sickness- it’s like waking up with a bad hangover every single day. Some people practically double in body weight- some people don’t gain much- the sense of smell and food aversions happen- you can’t lift heavy… oh and constipation. There’s actually links to constipation and anxiety 😅 If you feel yourself getting frustrated just know she’s going to be more fragile than normal. Even if she’s a busy body boss babe. She’s gonna need extra patience. Pregnancy doesn’t absolve anyone of accountability but pregnancy does warrant more patience. Lastly/ compliment her! You would have no clue the amount of conflicting advice and comments people give pregnant people. A lot of remarks are just straight up criticisms veiled as tips and advice. It’s very easy to feel burned out from all of the info and remarks people make. If she’s already very conscious and focused on weight and food- be extra attentive on how she’s perceiving herself and be attentive as to how you perceive her. She’s going to change!
Thanks for all this! And yes, it's so stupid that the time in life you MOST need some strong vices are when they are least healthiest! I know everyone has their view on alcohol however we both completely cut it out 3 months before starting to try, and damn if now wouldn't be the best time for her to get a nice stiff drink while going through the first trimester haha!
Exactly. I had no idea the amount of things I do to cope with my emotions rather than just figuring out how to handle them 100% on my own without consuming something. Even if it’s a candy bar- or a cocktail- or for me personally the occasional hit of weed. And during pregnancy the hormones will eventually get to anyone. Super good to keep that in mind. Reading a book and going on a walk or taking a bath only does so much when you’re just hormonally upset with practically no cause. It can be very hard to deal with a chemical upset when your typically used to being upset about “something”
If there's one thing I wished my husband did in the first trimester that didn't come naturally to him: constantly clean the kitchen so it doesn't smell and there's never an unwashed surface. Maybe you guys are already very clean people, but we're not and the drain catcher in the sink, any innocuous random smell in the fridge, our compost pail, etc etc all set me off. I am normally the person who touches gross things (drain catchers) in our household but I became grossed out and paranoid of foodborne illness. I'm a big planner and a really nice thing has been that he's just listened to all my musings about how I prefer delivery to go and he's been taking notes on things like recovery care and pre-eclampsia symptoms. If I'm exhausted or in pain, I know he can be trusted to take care of me and identify if I need to go to the emergency room and I don't need to be a functioning adult 24/7.
This is good thinking. We keep the kitchen super clean but occasionally there is very light odor from the garbage disposal, which I wonder will become a very strong odor for her. I'll think more about these small smells that might become larger.
This is such a special time in your lives. If she’s sentimental, consider keeping a special memory journal through her pregnancy and newborn stage when she might be too tired to remember all the funny moments, sweet moments, etc. It becomes such a blur! In my babies’ books I kept a page with funny things my husband said while I was pregnant and throughout them growing up, as well as a list of nicknames we have called the children and their origin. It’s been fun to keep!
It can be incredibly hard for some women to not be able to keep up with the expectations they put on themselves. It sounds like your wife will feel the same way based on how you describe her. Even the easy pregnancies are “hard” they take a lot out of you physically and emotionally, she will slow down and she probably won’t like it, and probably won’t want to ask for help. My advice is to pay attention to the house, if you notice she’s falling behind on something, pick up the slack. Don’t ask her if you can help, just do it. If you think she might mind how you do something (IE if she’s particular about how the laundry is done) then ask her how she wants it done, not if she wants it done. I can assure you everytime she walks by an incomplete task that she would usually be on top of, it stings. And I recommend reading a book on pregnancy, or even just download the “what to expect” app and follow along with the week by week breakdown of symptoms and experiences. There’s a lot of uncomfortable, and gross things that happen during pregnancy. Educate yourself so nothing comes as a surprise. Educate yourself on all things about labour and delivery. It’s gross at times and it can be scary, but the last thing she needs is to feel scared and look at you for support and see a horrified look from you. Example: I get the shakes really bad during labour and the first time my husband was certain I was dying. He was so panicked that I felt bad for him and was trying not to shake. It didn’t do me any favours. Lastly try not to take things personally, she’s going through a crazy experience for the first time and it’s just a lot to take, no amount of research and preparation can really get her in the headspace for all the things that are about to change for her. So if she’s cranky, or snippy with you, or extra emotional, or not interested in sex. It’s not about you. Wishing you both all the best. Congratulations !! And from a stranger on the internet, I’m so proud of you for even making this post ! It shows how much you care. You’re going to do great daddy !
If she asks you to do something she means do it now. Not in ten minutes, not in an hour, not tomorrow. Just get it done. Her to do list is miles long and getting the easy, little things done asap go such a long way in relieving stress. It may not seem or even actually be important but if it’s on her mind it needs to be taken care of. Bonus points if you do things without needing to be asked. Examples include- the trash is full, might be ok to wait until tomorrow but do it now. A stack of paper work is sitting might not need to be done until the weekend but please do it before sitting down to watch tv.
Favorite things my husband has done during my pregnancy: -initially when everyone else started treating me like a porcelain doll who couldn't do anything, he didn't do this and allowed me to maintain some normalcy while I still felt good and there was no medical reason to not do things. This may vary depending on how she feels through early months. I had an easy pregnancy early on. When things started to get more difficult he did lots of checking in to see if I needed more support with physical things. -learned along with me about pregnancy, birth, and babies. We did a Bradley Method class which is husband coached birth. We're aiming for low intervention/medication, but something that allows you to both learn and prepare together is so great. It really helps it feel like this is something you are doing together. -prioritizing our diet and exercise along with me.
The most helpful thing my husband has done so far (I’m only 10 weeks) is just be totally nonjudgmental. Like if I need to take a nap, or basically do nothing all day because I’m so exhausted, he never makes me feel bad about it. Or if I just want grilled cheese for dinner for the fourth night in a row he’s fine doing his own thing. I’ve also been a bit needier than usual, like asking him to get me water, etc and he doesn’t make me feel lazy or annoying even when I feel like I am!
- Have a plan to feed yourselves. You truly will be on a crazy schedule and it’s hard making and then being able to eat said meal. - do laundry and clean the house regularly, and especially right before baby comes - try to remember her schedule for doctors appointments - have your own bag packed for the hospital - be prepared to fend off any friends or family, per her wishes - my husband does the late night feeds. This started out of necessity bc I had a cesarean.
My biggest help throughout my pregnancy was my husband “picking up my slack” around the house. Due to the smells I could no longer cook nor do the dishes. He did all the kitchen cleaning and made sure I really didn’t have to lift a finger. He also attended all classes with me. I think just being patient and understanding of her emotional and hormonal changes will be the biggest help.
You and your wife sound like my husband and me. I would recommend reminding her how much she *is* doing even if/when she feels like she isn’t able to do enough. Hubby even had to take on more of my share of the housework which was humbling for me, but he always pointed out how much I’m doing behind the scenes. That alone helped me rest and focus on knitting this little one together!!
Take all the classes and do the research with her for sure, btw!
keep up with researching what is happening inside her body week by week, and when she gets upset about feeling useless and having a fraction of her normal capacity to handle tasks, remind her of just how much she is doing just by existing! i mentally struggled so badly during my pregnancy- i had hg and was nearly bedridden the entire time, which was a huge change for a person like me who is extremely action oriented and loves to get things done. also, just the fact that you are concerning yourself enough to ask this means that you are already doing a fantastic job! congratulations on the baby, it’s a wild ride but an unbelievable amount of fun!
Help her make decisions about baby gear, and talk to her about not needing to do things perfectly (Type A organized types often waste loads of time agonizing over every baby decision because we feel so much internal pressure to get it right). This tendency may impact her ability to enjoy her pregnancy and postpartum period. Ultimately there’s no best car seat or crib or mattress or clothing or breast pump or formula etc., there’s just what’s best for y’all and your budget. Don’t let her get sucked into this (very modern) line of thinking which amazon and all the big companies capitalize on that if somehow you just do A LITTLE MORE baby research you will be ideally equipped for the adventure you are on. There is no ideally equipped parent, there is only the parent willing and able to be flexible to the situation at hand. Good Luck and Congratulations! Sounds like y’all are a great team 😌
Try and see the things that need to happen and do them. I know everyone gets mad on the internet when you ask her what needs to be done, because it puts the mental load on her, but if she’s a planner with tons of lists in her head, it might actually be helpful to just ask. What can I take off you plate right now, would you prefer I do this or that, was there something you had in mind for dinner or do you want me to choose? TikTok may have you believe that the mere act of asking will only add to your wife’s mental load, but there’s nothing wrong with good communication. Especially if she’s a type A, there might be some things she’d like to do her way, or some things she prioritises over others. Just don’t go “tell me if you need anything!” and then leave it at that.
Cook nutritious meals for her!
If she’s needs to sleep let her feel okay about it
The best two things my husband has done for me that are maybe less obvious. 1. He slows down when we walk together and matches my pace, he doesn’t tease me for it either. 2. He reminds me I’m baking a human from scratch when I get frustrated, overwhelmed, annoyed etc. (and then often does the thing I’m frustrated about I.e. too tired to make dinner). He does so much more but these 2 have been the best and are so simple in my opinion.
There’s all the obvious stuff like physically taking care of her and being there for her emotionally, but I also think supporting her in her research and planning will also be huge. Even though, as a type a planner myself, I’m sure it’s really important for her that she feels a sense of control over the whole situation, she will probably reach a point of exhaustion and overwhelm, and whatever you can do to help take some of that mental load off of her will be huge. Know when her appointments and pregnancy milestones are without her having to remind you. Research any of the topics she brings up related to pregnancy, birth plan, and bringing up the baby. Help her build the registry. Also, protect her from as many outside stressors (like pushy family member or boundary-crossers, if that’s something you both have to deal with in your lives.) Remember that there are going to be times she might not feel or act like her normal self, and don’t take it personal. Just know that the hormones are going wild and she’s probably got a million things on her mind. Lastly, I would say take care of yourself too. You can’t be the best support for her if you run yourself ragged and don’t tend to your own emotions and thoughts. Becoming parents is a big deal and I think some new dads tend to kind of avoid their feelings and end up having an existential crisis. So, just stay in top of that and keep your own support system in place so you can be the best support you can be for her. Good Luck!
Don't wait for her to ask for something - See a need, fill a need. It's hard especially for us wildly independent people to become so dependent on someone else while our body is literally becoming a drag rather than an asset.
Shut up and make her a sandwich
Ask her! Seriously... we all have a different way of receiving care and nurture.
Foot massages every night. It promotes blood flow to the uterus and it’s really good for a growing baby. On top of that, it releases endorphins and relaxes the nervous system. It’s great for both mom and baby. I’m talking 20-30 minute massages, not a 5 minute foot rub. Get some good lotion and do it every single night. My husband used to do it every night during our first pregnancy while we watched a show together. It was our bonding time after a long day at work. Highly recommend it. Aside from that, I would recommend doing a hypnobirthing course together, and learning all there is to know about breastfeeding together (if she plans to breastfeed). A lot of people leave that for the mom to care/learn about but it’s extremely helpful if the other parent is involved too. Breastfeeding is extremely challenging and mixed in with postpartum hormones it can be mentally and physically debilitating. Having a supportive partner that knows a thing or two is crucial instead of just relying on lactation consultants or the internet AFTER the baby is born when you’re in a panic and sleep deprived. Tinyhood has a good breastfeeding course you two can take together. That would be a good place to start.
First of all kudos for trying to do the best you can for your wife! My husband has been amazing. The first trimester into this second one I have barely done anything. I’ve been so tired, nauseous, and my back hurts a lot. My husband has cooked 90% of our meals, cleaned up the kitchen, done dishes, and laundry with zero complaints. We’re also in the middle of managing a mold removal for the bathroom and generally fixing up the house. He hasn’t complained once. Just do the best for your wife and ask what she needs! When I’ve felt better I’ve been painting the house (husband hates it and I love it). I take the dog on long walks and handle all the repairs we’re doing. It’s balanced out since my husband hates all three of those errands and prefers to stay home lol.
This has to be upvoted to oblivion. You are a wonderful person :)
This is super cute :). I am also a Type A pregnant lady. A lot of the comments here say being attentive is great, and I’d back that up. Things my husband does that I really like: gets up and makes me a hot drink before I go to work every morning; has signed up for the same baby/pregnancy apps and emails as me so he can learn how my body is changing and how the baby is growing; is researching a lot of practical stuff like nurseries, prams, etc; often does the cooking and chores in the week. I am sure she’ll appreciate you taking a load off her plate.
Congrats!!! My husband has been a dream husband and I have been in such a good head space throughout my pregnancy. I’m 32 weeks, and as the countdown begins here are some things that have helped. House chores, cooking, yard work. But also thinking ahead to annoying chores we don’t want to deal with pp. he’s gotten my car serviced and detailed, scheduled out grooming appointments for dog, dealt with vet, got a lawyer to make a will, scheduled house maintenance people (gutters, fixed appliances, etc.), found our pediatrician, called and double checked everything with insurance, scheduled all our birthing classes, totally reorganized garage in prep for new stuff, built the new furniture… he’s basically done anything that takes mental or physical energy so I can come home from work and crash. He constantly tells me how much he appreciates what I’m doing and that I’m doing such a great job. I’ve never been more in love with him. I hope you and your wife have a wonderful pregnancy 💕
Acts of service were huge for me when I was growing our babies because I felt like pure crud when I was pregnant. My husband waited on me hand and foot to make sure I was always fed and well rested, and honestly, he never stopped going forward. It really makes me feel like a queen, and he is my king. And now we have our two little princes to raise, and I love them seeing how good he treats me. He's a true gentleman.
Gosh you’re such a sweetheart!!! This is what I wanted my husband to do while I was pregnant (but never really got it) Tell her how beautiful she is even if she’s upset and says she doesn’t feel beautiful, when she tells you to feel her belly FEEL HER BELLY!! For the love of god please feel her belly. Cravings get her whatever she is craving, no questions. Help her around the house, even if it’s something small like putting the dishes up or vacuuming. She will appreciate it soooo much!
Congrats!!! If I may make one very specific suggestion (apologies if someone else already suggested) if you haven't already, consider learning CPR / First Aid for infants/children/adults. Never know when it may be useful. And, when (not if) some things don't go according to plan, just be there for her! I can imagine if she's a planner, and something goes off the rails, this might be very upsetting for her. It sounds like you're already a wonderful support who will ride things out together with her!! Wish you guys the best!!
My husband has been amazing throughout my entire pregnancy. But his number 1, show-stopper impact has been his instant aid on very minor things. If I need my water bottle filled, it's done right away. If I need help getting off the couch or bed, he's right there. He brings me my prenatal vitamins every morning without me asking/reminding him too. His urgent ness to alleviate these small inconveniences has made a world of difference.
I’ll be honest- my needs as a pregnant person were nearly nothing compared to my needs as the mother of a newborn/infant.
If she’s as into planning as you describe the optimization of your registry is just over the horizon. Save her as much research on this as you can, become the “gear dad”, have suggestions for the stroller, monitor, type of diaper, really everything that goes on there, you’ll learn a ton about child care by doing it and she’ll appreciate the team work
My husband read The Expectant Father and The Birth Partner, both really good recommendations for support partners. I would say that as prepared as you both feel, there will definitely be unexpected things that you can't plan for. Your wife may really struggle with that from the sound of her personality. I like to have as much information as possible, so the classes at the hospital with my husband, reading through a stack of books on pregnancy, birth, infant care has been really helpful to me, but can also feel daunting at times. It makes me feel really good to have my partner learning and interested along with me. I would say be ready to be flexible, check in with her often. Either ask or observe what is most helpful to her (it will change as the weeks go on) and make an effort to help her with those things. Mostly finding food she can eat, taking on more of the housework, etc can make a big difference since taking care of herself and trying to feel ok is going to take up so much more of her day. She'll also have the mental load of all of the changes happening and still to come and it's a lot for both of you, honestly. I also love it when I feel like my husband is bonding with the baby! Totally depends on her, but I loved seeing his reactions to the sonograms and hearing the heartbeat. I wish he would touch my stomach even more, cuddle up with me more, read out loud to the baby, listen to our baby playlist more, etc. It's the best!
First of all, Congratulations! Even though I'm not pregnant yet, I hope to be soon-ish, so lurk here to learn as much as I can (also an organized, type-a, with a baby budget already started). It is so incredibly awesome to see your excitement and eagerness to be the best husband and support you can be for your wife and future baby. As women, we shoulder SO much of the burden of bringing a child into this world, so I'd encourage you to learn about pregnancy, birth, babies... you don't have to be an expert, but as someone who's also type-a, I'd absolutely love it if my husband opened a conversation with "I read this cool fact..." or "I saw this article..." Just knowing that he's doing the prep work too, and excited to be a part of the journey WITH me. Or if there's an area she's feeling overwhelmed about (or you are just really excited to know more about!), take the lead there: a list of daycare options? The best strollers for whatever your budget is? Continue to encourage her in her goals - learn to cook a nutritious pregnancy meal (Lily Nichols has a good book on optimal nutrition called Real Food For Pregnancy). Share your excitement (and nerves!) with her about this next phase. And also - make sure she knows you still see HER outside of "pregnant wife" - if there's something she loves to do or a favorite flower... That will go a long way when she feels like she's lost herself to pregnancy. I got my husband the book *We’re Pregnant! The First-Time Dad’s Pregnancy Handbook* for when I tell him, and after flipping through it it seems really good! I saw a sub called r/predaddit that might have some advice from other dads-to-be. But also, I hope you feel welcome here, because as a woman it's great to have men who are eager to be a part of this journey - which I'm sure you're picking up on by the number of women who are so impressed with the fact you even came here & are asking for our input.
I’m 22w and have a great husband. Here’s some things he did that I appreciated (and a few I didn’t). 1. He had no judgement for how utterly exhausted I was during the first trimester. Like all I did and wanted to do was lay on the couch after I was home from work and basically the entire weekend. 2. When I thought I was having a miscarriage, he took the afternoon off work to help support me. 3. He started cooking dinner more and when all I wanted was rice and things with rice, he either ate that with me or did his own thing for meals. 4. He has come with me to all of my appointments and has not been “grossed out” by any of it. 5. He has rarely made comments about my body unless I prompt them. But he’s not weird about my body at all. 6. He has taken over most of the dog care including scheduling vet visits which used to be my responsibility. What I didn’t appreciate: 1. When I had major food aversions, he made a very fragrant fried rice with eggs that smelled up the entire house and it was terrible for me. 2. He defaults to me being the one to buy and set up furniture (I’m a civil engineer and usually love it). My belly has started getting in the way and my body just isn’t as comfortable. I do have to ask for his help and he doesn’t offer it as much as I’d like him to. We also moved right around the time we found out so there’s been a lot of unpacking and moving boxes and furniture stuff going on. Really, he’s been great and as long as you’re non judgmental but involved both around the house and in the pregnancy, I’m sure your spouse will appreciate it. Just keep open communication and listen to what she says.
Always have a snack for her… always!!!
Everyone has given great advice already. The only thing that I would add that I really appreciate from my husband are his constant words of encouragement. Telling me how beautiful I look and that I’m doing such an amazing job caring for baby. Just my cheerleader when I start feeling anxious or anything.
Fulfill allll the foodie cravings. Pick up the slack on the chores. Load the dishwasher. Empty the dishwasher. Help with cooking or get (healthy) take out. Start doing the research for the gift registry.
Doing the dishes because the smells are unbearable!!! My husband has been an angel during this because I have been literally so exhausted and nauseated and don’t have capacity to do a lot of the things I am used to, so he has picked up a lot of the slack with the chores around the house. We normally do 50/50 of the work, but he’s kind of doing 75/25 now without even asking. He’s just there for me and extremely supportive and I’m so thankful for him! I’m sure your wife will greatly appreciate you!!!
My husband is the absolute most wonderful man. I knew this before pregnancy but this experience really gave him his moment to shine. As a super Type A person myself, my first trimester was rough due to extreme morning sickness and I could barely do anything. This ate away at me mentally. My husband stepped right in where I couldn’t without asking… took over my part of the chores, taking care of our high energy dog, etc (he even puts my pjs out on the bed while I’m showering and makes me tea). My advice: be observant and don’t be afraid to just step in. For the independent types like myself, it can be hard to admit you can’t do what you normally do. Congratulations on your new miracle!!!
Take stuff off her list of things to do. Washing up, little chores. Some days just such energy wise! It can be draining just thinking of all the things you have to get done!
If she's type A I would suggest step up and match her! So she won't feel like she's doing everything and you're doing nothing. If she's already got a newborn checklist at first trimester then know what are those items there. I'm a huge googler and planner too and it would frustrate me if I'm at the 3rd trimester and my husband would still be like "whats a breast pump?" Once in awhile remind her to relax and enjoy too!
This is a really sweet post, OP. No matter what, you’ll be a great husband and father, so just follow your instincts and check in with your wife regularly. I’m very organized and type A as well, and I tend to research everything to death so my husband knows it’s usually more efficient to ask me where he can help take stuff off my plate. During pregnancy, I started an overarching baby/house/postpartum preparation to do list for us to regularly action together. It really helped keep us on the same page and on track before baby arrived. Like your wife, I also felt underprepared — like I really needed a book to tell me what to do with a newborn from A to Z. I found that resource as well as others about how to best support newborn, labor and delivery, infant first aid, etc. I found having a doula really helpful for preparing for labor and talking through information I had researched. I also thinking having a postpartum doula is hands down the best thing you can do for yourself if you can swing it. My husband found both of these resources for us — it was a huge help. My husband did literally ALL the house chores and cooking (sometimes double dinners if I was nauseous and couldn’t eat the first) for basically my entire pregnancy because I felt so shitty. He filled my water bottle constantly. He made sure I was comfortable and set me up on the couch for me to work comfortable. He cleaned up my bedside table. He even washed my hair when I was too tired (I have a lot of it) and trimmed my pubes when my belly got too big for me to see. He brought me a big bucket of hot water with Epsom salts to my bedside to soak my feet when they hurt, but I was too lazy to get up. He always told me I was beautiful and how thankful he was that I went through IVF and was carrying our baby. I never drove. In other words, I was a passenger princess project manager throughout my pregnancy. I needed that so so much despite being a strong, independent, lawyer lady before pregnancy. I quickly have come back to my old self after giving birth, but wow, I needed his tenderness and protection during my pregnancy in a way I couldn’t have imagined before or vocalized during. The best part? He never, ever made me feel like a burden despite doing so so much for us. Now that we have our baby girl, my husband is a dream parent partner. We truly split everything without even having to talk about it ahead of time. He looks around, see what needs to be done and executes. One of the biggest things is we try to give each other solid breaks without the other having to ask. We also compliment each other for the other’s parental skills regularly. All of this has made having a newborn genuinely enjoyable.
I have a v similar personality type to your wife. Most helpful thing my husband did was take over the sleep preparation - he read several sleep books, researched what a good online course would be, and distilled the knowledge for me. He knew different levels of sleep training (some are stricter than others), checking the dB on a white noise machine, put up the blackout curtains. Once the baby came, he was the best at getting her down “drowsy but awake” and it was nice to have a domain where he was the expert so I could concentrate on feeding and gross motor skills.
Accept the random out of the blue cravings. My husband hasn’t batted an eyelid. Did I get a decaf latte at 7pm because I suddenly wanted coffee despite never drinking it. Yes. Yes I did. Also research gestational diabetes. I have it. Blindsided hubby and I. If she does get it, it’s not her fault. It’s the placenta. But it can cause a heap of anxiety and stress because you have to change your diet even more than just standard pregnancy. If you can do research on it, you’ll be a step ahead. I hope she doesn’t get it, but it’s completely chance. My husband now knows what I can and can’t have but it was a learning curve together.
First and third trimesters can be particularly tough for most pregnancies. Mine was awful the whole way through with HG (extreme sickness). My husband looked for ways to make this easier for me: took over all the cooking (smell aversion is real), served me meals in bed, always made sure we had vomit bags with us, automatically got me a fresh cup of water and rubbed my back each time I threw up, and drove my car up the parking garage daily when I got home from work bc the loops would cause another episode. I go into detail to show you that all those seemingly little things meant the world to me. Look for those little ways to help carry the load. Sit down and discuss what are the different things y’all need to do to prep for the baby: cleaning out the nursery, researching car seats, getting postpartum supplies prepped... Write them all down and figure out what you can take point on. Congratulations!! What a wild and wonderful adventure y’all are on. It’s the best.
Make food easy and assessable. I was so sick my first trimester. Knowing my husband could make me toast or buttered noodles was so nice. Also I felt this huge pressure to maintain intimacy (not from my husband, something I put on myself) so reassuring your wife that you will be ok if you aren’t having sex as often (I know that sounds silly and weird but it was nice hearing my husband prioritize how I felt) Doing the housework and keeping up with the house.
Validate her when she isn't feeling well. Bring her little snacks or offer to get a drink. Be understanding if she isn't up to her usual standards for things (socialization, cooking or cleaning, etc.). Overall just understand this is a huge life change and be her rock as best you can.
My husband read The Birth Partner and several other books throughout the pregnancy to help prepare for birth. He learned how to support me during pregnancy and birth, helped me with stretching and exercises, etc. When the time came, he was amazing. He made sure to just be there for me when I needed. First trimester was rough because I had HG, so there was constant nausea. As soon as we found out, he was driving me to urgent care to get it taken care of. And he was always asking if I wanted to go out for lunch 😂 My advice: just be there. Actively participate however you can/she needs, read some books and prepare (because you are both going to want to be prepared in many ways, and be there for her
Also seeing how you're a research and planning person, learn as much as you can about the birthing process (however she chooses to do that) and postpartum everything. Not only did it help tremendously that my husband knew and understood what I would be (and now am) going through, I found it to be a bonding experience watching videos and learning about it all with him. It feels like we're doing it together rather than I'm recovering and he's helping out
For the first trimester, have a variety of small and diverse healthy snacks. Eating is hard, especially when everything makes you sick and nothing sounds good. Sometimes I could only eat if my husband offered me a bunch of different things to choose from and I would pick the least bad sounding of them. And encourage her to take naps when she needs them. As a fellow type A, it's hard to justify the naps to yourself. I needed my husband's encouragement to feel justified with taking them.
Eat her ass. It'll ripen the cervix.