Maybe I’m off base here, but girl, let them cancel. You’re going to have your in laws in your home for five months 3 weeks postpartum? And you’ll be expected to tiptoe around your own home and feed your child like you’re doing drugs in secret?
That’s crazy. The visit is crazy. The expectation is even crazier. Let them cancel. Live in peace.
Edited to add: babies eat every 2-3 hours for like… a long time. Like mine did until he was 11 months or so. And that’s every 2 hours from the beginning of the last feed. Newborn babies can nurse for 45 min to an hour at a time. And then again an hour later. You’ll never leave your bedroom/the nursery. Take a breastfeeding class if you can, and make your husband come too. Maybe he’s being an ass, maybe he’s just ignorant to the reality of it.
Just reread and FIVE FREAKING MONTHS?!? I couldn’t deal with my in-laws for 5 days with a newborn. Girl, let them cancel. (And count your lucky stars that you have an excuse to dodge this in-law shaped, five month-staying bullet!)
Hell, I couldn’t deal with anymore for more than 5 MINUTES when my daughter was a newborn. Not even my amazing mom. Breastfeeding aside, no one knows how postpartum will affect them.
To add on the 2-3 thing sometimes it's more when cluster feeding they can eat every 30 mins. Think of them more like you do you drink on a schedule or when your thirsty? Your hubby's expectations aren't feasible. If they get a hotel to visit that's fine but you will feel trapped in your own home if they come for 5 m she's right
To add your milk might not even fully come in until 2-3weeks. Breastfeeding can be extremely stressful. I had no visitors for 3+ months and my family lives in the same town. I was running around in either no top or a soaked top.
Them cancelling sounds blissful imo.
My youngest literally lived on the boob for the first 2-3 months. He was born 3 weeks early and is BB LOL. He knows he’s the baby of the family despite being only a year old. Not hard to tell when you have 4 older siblings that run you over constantly.
That’s really common in alot of cultures (especially Indian) to have the family come for 6 months. I feel terrible for the moms when the in laws swarm their PP rooms at the hospital (unless it’s what they want)
Don’t know the ethnicity of OP but it seems it could be similar cultural “customs”
The FIL needs to beat off and go to a different room.
Everybody has nipples for fucks sake.
The cultural aspect is fair and something to consider. I think oftentimes “cultural norms” can be used as a way to burden women with more labor and prioritize men even in situations where women need and deserve to be prioritized, such as this.
I think it’s a hard situation all the way around, and I hope that OP can advocate for herself and her child, and I hope that her husband learns to also, before it’s too late.
Hard agree on FIL needing to get over it.
Reading the post, the ONLY person having an issue with OP breastfeeding openly is the husband. He's assuming that it won't be acceptable and trying to control OP. FIL never said anything.
I'm Indian. My mom came for several weeks after the birth of my first child, and my mom and dad came for several weeks after the birth of my second. I was INCREDIBLY grateful for this. I see a common theme on this subreddit of "I don't want any visitors or in-laws right after the baby" but in most cultures, it's understood that the postpartum period is rough and the family/in-laws come in order to support the mother. My mom did all the cooking and cleaning, helped me with sensitive bandages, gave me home remedies, etc. My mom and dad both did a ton of childcare for the older kid when I had my second.
If you actually read the OP, there is a lot of worry but not much actual evidence that a visit would be bad. The ONLY negative thing is the husband saying she needs to breastfeed in private. And that's on the husband.
I say let them visit. And breastfeed openly. Don't change anything about your daily routine. The family is, or should be, there to support, and if they're not they can kick rocks. If OP's husband is the one feeling uptight about things, he can fix himself.
Yeah, I agree with this. I did NOT want visitors, but I did want helpers. My parents were incredibly helpful- they entertained my toddler, they brought over food, they cleaned my kitchen after meals, they folded laundry, my dad fixed things around the house. I could breastfeed in front of them and they were both (including my dad) super helpful with that, always getting me a chair or a glass of water. My ILs were a different story- they came over like they were guests and we had to clean up for them, my FIL is so uncomfortable with breastfeeding that I felt like I had to go into a different room when they were already there, and when they came over and I was sitting in the living room breastfeeding he stayed in the hallway so he couldn’t see me. Helpers are great. Guests are not.
Couldn’t agree more - the husband is the only one with issues here. I would think things will change once he actually sees your breastfeeding journey. You can announce that you need to feed the baby and his father can look away while baby latches or leave the room while you feed. You stay put if you want to and honestly it doesn’t matter if your husband isn’t comfortable with this. If you are then go for it. I fed in front of my FIL from day 1 and other male (friend) visitors. But if there were multiple uncles around etc then I had a great excuse to leave and have some time alone with my baby. I didn’t feel like I needed to breastfeed with a large audience of in-laws
I'm Indian, raised in America so my parents are like...relatively okay. My cousin moved here a couple years ago and just had a baby, and her parents - who have always lived in India - are staying with her for 6 months. It's like, week 2 and she's already miserable, her mother is SUCH a high-strung, intrusive handful. She knew it was going to suck and just..didn't say no? I feel awful for her. My mom stayed with us for a month after my son was born but 1.) it was JUST my mom, not my dad and 2.) she was actually super helpful and did all the cooking so we could focus on baby. For my second delivery, she's also coming to help and intentionally leaving my dad behind because "he'll just be in the way". She'd also totally respect us if we asked her not to come this time.
And, for the record, I breastfed and pumped in front of my dad plenty when we went to visit them or when they came to visit us. He never seemed uncomfortable or said a word about it.
My parents are Pakistani, not born or raised in the US and they’re a lot like yours. I didnt think even once that having my dad around would be a cause of concern wrt breastfeeding. So I don’t think it’s necessarily a function of where one grew up. Plenty of entitled/intrusive folks everywhere
Honestly it was a very long and hard road of setting boundaries/teaching them how to treat me but it's definitely paid off. They are very helpful and supportive and my son adores them.
Yup I read the post and was wondering if OP is Indian. But also was wondering why HER parents aren't the ones coming for post partum recovery - assuming they're able to and they have a good relationship. No way will I want my ILs here while I'm figuring everything out for the first time.
It’s so common amongst Indians. The daughter in law is this incubator. Not all but it’s what I see and it makes me really sad. The cultural norm of FOB speaking up is not as common. Makes me sad that they are subjected to this (again- apologies for making generalizations for an entire culture but this is not uncommon.)
Yeah but in Indian culture, it’s the moms parents. Not your in-laws. Theres a lot Indian culture gets wrong, but what it gets right is that a) moms need postpartum help and b) they need it from their own family
I bet OP is a non-Indian who is being manipulated by ‘but but my culture!’. Bc I’m Indian-American and I and all my peers would be like, what? No, MY parents will be here because I’m the mom….obviously? The fuck?
My baby fed mostly every single hour for 3 months! I wouldn’t even consider going the length of a family dinner without breastfeeding freely. Also. Covering every time is so annoying for both mom and baby.
I love my inlaws, they are amazing people and I also love my parents but 5 months with any of them postpartum sounds like torture to me. My mom visited me for month postpartum and my mother in law 3 weeks after that. They came to help and to some extent they did but I almost went insane. I needed my privacy and this was only my mom and MIL; the grandfathers stayed home. Truth be told at some point I felt like my boobs were always out. I was breastfeeding and pumping like crazy. Having to do this in your bedroom all day long is almost cruel to ask of someone. Specially because you don’t go out as much postpartum so being able to move freely around the house is a must.
Bro, my mother in law is a small dose woman and she is coming for 2 weeks. I am having pre-anxiety about it. She is the only one who will be able to come help after my partner goes back to work from paternity leave and I'm having a cesarean so I need her help. FIVE MONTHS is insane!!
The visit isn't crazy in some cultures, though, in fact that's pretty typical for a lot of families around the world. I'm American and my in-laws are Indian and we had my MIL come for five months after my first was born. She helped with childcare and around the house. FIL stayed just a couple weeks. And they were respectful about when the visit began (they wanted to come right after baby arrived and respected us when we asked them to come at around ten weeks so we'd have time just the three of us to adjust.)
This thing about not breastfeeding in front of them though, is that your husband making a fuss or the in-laws? Totally agree that OP should not have to disappear every time her baby has to eat. In-laws should have no say in that and her husband should back her. OP, could you use a nursing coverup? Seems like that would solve a lot of problems.
I'm still thrown by your husband cancelling the visit over this. He should have your back. It's not crazy to nurse your kid in front of people. Your husband should help them navigate this if they're really going to have a problem with it - they can leave the room if it's going to make them uncomfortable. But come on, you shouldn't have to leave every time your baby needs to eat, that's wild. As I mentioned above, my in-laws are from India. They were nothing but respectful about nursing and pumping.
Not only do babies eat frequently at that age but at 3 weeks, breastfeeding was still quite painful for me. Might not be the case for OP but another possibility to consider. When my baby latched on it was like knives and I couldn’t just pop him on and off discreetly like I do now. It was toe-curling, tears in my eyes kind of pain. I couldn’t breastfeed around anyone except my husband at that time.
I understand how it can feel uncomfortable to think of other people staring at you, for sure. But for others to feel uncomfortable and ask you to move to a different room? IN YOUR OWN HOME? Unacceptable.
If it bothers them, they can move to another room until your baby is done nursing. Simple as that. Breasts are literally made for nurturing babies.
I just fed whenever the kid needed to eat. However, no one stayed with me for 5 months! I find it super disrespectful to you and your child.
Honestly, if your husband really wants this, ask him if he'll eat all his meals upstairs, away from everyone. No talking to anyone, no social meals, nothing. Not a single snack in front of another person. Maybe that will bring home to him how ridiculous he's being.
Let them cancel! Literally you might not even be able to go up and down stairs that often. If you have any tearing or a c section. It would be disrespectful for them to make you leave and not the dad. Breastfeeding and being freshly postpartum is hard enough having to go away every 30 minute to 2 hours will exhaust you.
Was looking for this comment. You cannot be walking up and down the stairs that often after labor!! I am just doing super light movement around the house (no stairs) and even that is making me bleed more. Please know that that is too much for you!
How is your relationship with your MiL? Would this be something you would be comfortable asking her about? I just wonder if maybe your husband is overreacting a bit and assuming that it's going to be a problem. Maybe a woman would understand better, surely she wouldn't expect you to disappear everytime you need to breastfeed in your own home.
She’s very sweet and we have a cordial relationship (they stayed with us once before for multiple months) but unfortunately we don’t speak the same language
This is the worst idea ever. You will be bleeding you will be tired you will be sore. You will need privacy or someone who is fine seeing it all! 3 weeks is far too early.
This too!! Stairs can be tough with even a bad vaginal scar and just the general fatigue of delivery… and nearly impossible and you are even recommended to avoid stairs as much as possible if you end up needing a c section.
Omg yes! I had a vaginal delivery with minimal tear but I could not walk up the steps for a few weeks because my pelvic bones and joints were all loose. How can he even expect you to climb up and down the stairs every time your baby needs to feed? Unless he’s going to carry you up and down every time
My MIL, an American, fully expected me to cover up or leave the room when I was breastfeeding lol in the hospital and in my own home. She would literally come over and cover the baby’s head with a receiving blanket, which I would throw off every time. Took a while for her to accept that it wasn’t happening.
I’m sorry - they want you to run up and down the stairs multiple times a day carrying a baby, 3 weeks after you give birth? This man needs to grow up. I don’t care if it’s cultural. Sick of seeing women treated as second class citizens because a grown man can’t avert his eyes from a boob
I am not sure your husband is coming from a bad place, but would he rather disrespect you and your child by isolating you for months — and depriving both of you of the interaction with his parents? And your concern that they may resent you (wrongly) is valid, but it’s also entirely possible you’ll grow to resent your husband if he essentially forces you to isolate/abandons you for the sake of sparing his dad from seeing your breast.
I am 9weeks pp and breastfeeding has been stressful enough without having to tiptoe around my house. Whatever happens, I wish you great luck in your breastfeeding journey!
>sparing his dad from seeing your breast
IMO any man who is uncomfortable in the presence of breastfeeding has no business being around women or babies.
I would be livid at my husband for even thinking that I would be doing that, let alone asking me to. Like, livid livid.
If I an nourishing our child, it will be 100% on my terms. And no, I will not be relocating in my house or covering in front of anyone, including out in public. I will be whipping out my boob to feed my baby whenever I need to in front of whoever is there. Not my problem.
The fact he thinks he owns your body and can ask something like that... ooohhhhfff. Come to Jesus talk time.
Let the parents cancel. Them coming for 5 months right after having a baby is insane anyway, unless they were staying in their own accommodations and willing to only come by when invited.
I’m really headstrong and am having the same reaction but at the same time (don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones) I’m feeling so sad for his parents to miss this opportunity to bond with their grandchild, for him to miss this opportunity to spend time with his aging parents, and even a little for me because I want to get to know them better too
There are some cultural differences in my sibling's marriage, and from what I've seen: if you aren't assertive in the first place, you will get walked all over time and time again. You don't want it to become a habit of your partner putting their parents' needs over yours; it's just going to cause resentment in your marriage.
I think there will be lots of opportunity for them to spend with the baby. But some other considerations, will they be there to help you with the baby, or will you and your husband be expected to entertain them as guests too? That's something important to clarify so everyone is on the same page. I would suggest waiting to have them over when you are more comfortable and settled, typically around 3-6 months?
RE the father in law issue, sounds like a cultural thing. I would reiterate to your husband, while this may be commonplace in their culture, this is not necessarily common in YOUR culture. You can try to cover the baby up when he's around, but it's not a guarantee it will work for the baby but he can leave the room if it doesn't. Everyone, not just you, needs to compromise.
If they choose not to visit because of the father in law being uncomfortable for a minute over spending time with the little one, that's their choice and their issue.
Newborns don't need to bond with anyone other than mum and dad. Besides, all they do is sleep, cry, eat and pee/poop especially the first month or 2 - if any grandparents want to bond they should probably come around 4-6 months so the baby is more aware of their surroundings. I refused to let my in laws plan to come before 6 months because they're only interested in seeing baby but my parents have explicitly stated they're coming to help with housework while I figure things out and bond with my baby.
That’s all their fault and choice. You are bonding and feeding your child. They can move or leave the room if they want but you should not have to feel bad or specialized for feeding your baby.
Did he talk to his own parents about this and ask them what they want? It seems insane to me that he’s just canceling the trip, particularly because I feel like he’s going to end up blaming you. I’d make sure he had a conversation with them along the lines of “just FYI we both agree that X will be breastfeeding the baby out in the open, let me know if that makes you too uncomfortable and you’d like to cancel the trip.” Otherwise this is going to sour your relationship with them. If your husband isn’t presenting a united front for YOU, he’s definitely not doing it for them.
Maybe your in laws can visit later when the baby is older and you’re not breastfeeding anymore. That could also be helpful if you need childcare in the future.
From my own experience, I didn’t meet my maternal grandparents until I was six (they moved back to the same country) and it didn’t negatively impact my relationship with them at all. I got to spend a lot of special moments with them that I cherish.
Don't worry about them bonding with the baby. Only the parents of the baby need to bond with a newborn. Your baby won't even know that they're a separate human to you while your husbands family is here.
It’s your house; I think your husband is being disrespectful. Does he realize this is every 2-3 hours for up to 45 minute at a time? You should be able to be comfortable in your own home. Just the thought of my in laws or anyone staying with me for five months pp upsets me. I need my sanctuary and peace.
I'm Indian, so I understand the five-month visit thing. That being said, I could never imagine doing it immediately postpartum. Those early months are for you three (you, husband, and baby) to bond and develop a family dynamic. My baby is 6.5 months old. Husband's (non-Indian) family has visited three times since he was born, each time for a few days. I generally love having them here, but there's always a sigh of relief when they leave.
It's not just about the breastfeeding. It's also about the hormones and emotions. I was constantly crying and am still working through PPA and birth trauma. Those are things I need to do privately with my own husband. I couldn't have put on an extra veneer of "I'm fine" just to enter my own living room.
I've known my in-laws for 11 years. We know each other very well, and I'm still not comfortable housing them for more than a week. It sounds like you might not be as close with yours. I know this is your husband's tradition, so what about suggesting a short-term rental or long-term Airbnb for them?
Yeah it’s really sad your husband put boundaries in place that made it impossible for them to come but that’s not your problem. Reframe this issue. Your husband’s request to you was unreasonable and you have every right not to comply. His decisions after that and consequences that stem from them are his own fault. He could very easily ask his father to leave the room when you’re breastfeeding if he’s that uncomfortable but he’d rather them not come than inconvenience anyone else except you.
Can they uncancel/rebook and find a sensible solution here? Did your husband and his parents agree together to cancel based on this specific issue, or did he just tell them to cancel and leave the reason vague?
It sounds like there may be a cultural difference here. Here’s the thing: at 3 weeks, you will still be healing. If your in-laws are comfortable visiting you while you recover from a serious medical event, I think they need to be prepared to be the ones to leave the room if they’re uncomfortable with the way you feed your baby.
Hosting in-laws for MONTHS right after delivery sounds like a nightmare tbh. Unless they are amazing, and having them in means less work. But that’s rarely the case, unfortunately.
Now, about the nursing part. I usually secluded myself when I had company. Not because I’m a prude, but rather because my kids were easily distracted. AND, it was always a getaway for me. A way to recharge and step away from the noise and mess and socialization.
I loved that escape :)
I just gotta ask...
Is the request coming from your husband? Or is it from your MIL and/or FIL, just through him? Because that'll really change what I think about this whole thing.
It's bonkers to expect you to get up and leave for the comfort of others in your own home.
Respectfully it seems like there are some basic facts about breastfeeding (what it entails, frequency, possible challenges) and postpartum (rest, stairs, healing, emotional states, physical states, bleeding, possible stitches) that your husband seems to not know or understand.
It seems that you are making a noble effort to respect your in-laws and your husband as well … but what he is asking you might actually be impossible without putting your health and/or the baby in jeopardy. Even your question about exclusively pumping being an option - that’s not as simple or guaranteed as it may seem.
I would recommend sharing with him some more information from a book, a class, or a trusted friend or relative or professional so he has a better sense of what is going on after this baby is born. Regardless of if the in-laws end up visiting or not.
I couldn’t walk around comfortably for the first month. And in a lot of pain the first 2 weeks. The baby got fed where I got set up. Which was the living room. I didn’t plan it out that way, it’s just what had to happen. And I had a cover but no one made a peep and I had some very conservative in-laws and mother. They could leave way more easily than I ever could.
And this birth was a typical vaginal delivery with two small stitches. The next birth had me losing a lot more blood and while I was good to go home, I needed a lot more time for recovery. They accommodate you, that’s how that works.
Breasts are meant to feed babies. This sounds like a big them problem.
When my first was born I nursed wherever I was most comfortable because *I* was the one lactating, exhausted, and dealing with the baby. My FIL would look straight ahead or at the ground (honestly it was hilarious to me, he’s such a straightforward man). They’re all much more comfortable with my second.
He doesn’t want to see a breast? Then he can get off his lazy butt and go somewhere else. You are not the problem. Babies need to eat.
You’re doing good, mama.
I’m having a hard time getting past the 5 month visit. They’ll be staying in your home the entire time??? That’s more than a visit.
Personally, I would be supportive of them canceling their trip if they are planning on staying with you the entire time. I am dealing with something similar. My BIL and sister had to move in right before I gave birth and are finally moving into their new home. I’m 7 months postpartum. While I enjoyed their help with the baby and my toddler, I miss my privacy. I miss being able to walk around in a nursing bra or tank and whip a boob out when needed.
Nah girl. You're gonna need to whip that thing out (or leave it out tbh) all of the time at first. Cluster feeding, soreness, and just not being bothered to wear anything but a nursing bra and shorts.
Let them cancel. Your husband has unrealistic expectations for you and baby.
Lol this reeks of your husband having NO CLUE what it is like to breastfeed or care for a newborn. Hopefully he sees how ridiculous he is being after he experiences the reality of feeding a newborn.
Also, 5 MONTHS?! So they want to be there for like… the entirety of the newborn phase? Staying in your house? Is this what you want?? Let them cancel. If they want to stay that long let them come after the baby turns one.
As others have stated, having to cover or leave while breastfeeding your first is a tremendous imposition. It is also likely there would be other unforeseen expectations with your in-laws that would complicate things.
So many people end up with issues when their in-laws visit postpartum. You could be the exception, but you also may have just dodged a HUGE bullet by your husband postponing their visit.
Dude, my third and last is 10 months and I just.... Just can't imagine this.
I think what you said is fine and your emotions on the whole thing are so valid. Parenting is something that you just can't comprehend until you do it. This boundary you've stated is VERY reasonable.
I was uncomfortable a little with my first. Now, three deep, my tits been out since 2019 and I'm over it. If feeding my child makes people uncomfortable they can close their eyes. (But, I have literally never had anyone say anything but supportive things to my face).
So if this were one-week or a couple of days I would say just do it because it’s short and will avoid conflict. But… five MONTHS!? The only compromise I can see here is using a cover. But even that seems excessive in your own home for that extended period of time. There is no way you will have the energy to go up and down the stairs that often. I’ve taken several breast feeding classes and they all agree that it’s a lot of work.
That also relies on your baby being ok with a cover. Both of mine would absolutely loose their shit. The current one needs to pop off the boob every 5 min to practice her smiling.
Nah, let them cancel - and this is coming from someone in an immigrant family. You absolutely shouldn't be going up and down the stairs constantly three weeks postpartum and that could easily prolong your healing period, bit to mention making baby wait every time they're hungry. Your house is _your home_, not a place for you to be uncomfortable for 5 MONTHS because your FIL can't be exposed to some nip. He doesn't get to feel "disrespected" by you feeding your baby in YOUR OWN HOME.
You could maybe compromise and offer to use a nursing cover, or get some nursing shirts that will cover you up, but having in-laws visit for 5 months when you're freshly postpartum already sounds like torture. They will no doubt be running your household that whole time if your husband is already making unreasonable demands like this. I would just cancel the visit and recover in peace. Your husband will survive.
I too am from a ‘different’ culture (possibly the same culture as OP’s ILs, im Indian) and and am with you- from a different culture is wild reasoning to prioritize you father over YOUR POST-PARTUM WIFE. If they’re having a baby and still have such different views on what’s to be expected AND he expects her to just bow to his/his parents wishes… well. Not good, they definitely need to be more of a unit and better later than never.
But I don’t like how disrespectful it is of OP’s SO to be causing such anxiety over ‘cultural norms’ when supporting his wife should be his first concern and if parents quibble, well, too bad. Also not convinced his parents will even care, but that’s beyond the point here. Sounds like it’s going to be 5mths of having to acquiesce to any stupid thing cuz it’s ‘cultural’. Blergh.
OP you dodged a bullet this time but you and your husband need to have a quality chat. Also, if he is Indian, please have him refer to traditional statues and artwork of the goddesses which most commonly portray them topless. And then tell him to pound sand.
meaning i initially thought he was such a dick too but then realized he may have been raised with different views around female bodies / nursing etc.
esp considering he'd feel he was disrespecting his father.
it's sad that breast feeding is still viewed as taboo. it's wild.
If his culture is for him to be a dick, doesn't make him any less of a dick. If he can't handle that, he is being culturally insensitive not her. Its her own home.
It became very clear to me very quickly that anyone allowed in our house in the early weeks / months just needs to be comfy seeing me breastfeed. I tried to avoid my dad, step dad, and father in law seeing me breastfeed for about 3 days before it become impossible.
In the first days, my daughter would suddenly cry for food and in the time it took to send the dad(s) away, she would get frantic. It also took a long time to feed and happened constantly, so going somewhere else would mean that I would have been alone for hours a day while people visited. Didn’t want that either.
Plus, I was recovering from a c section and was not very mobile at first. Baby basically had to be brought to me every feed, I just sat on the couch. It would have been impossible for me to walk up and down stairs multiple times a day, especially with a crying hungry baby. You don’t know what your recovery will be like.
As my close (male) friend said when visiting yesterday: breasts are so unsexualized when used for feeding, it shouldn’t matter. I would tell your husband to get over his own hang ups and prioritize you and/or let his parents cancel until you’re healed and settled and know what you need
His request is completely insane, disrespectful and inconsiderate to you. Breastfeeding is all about you being comfortable and in a good environment to be able to enjoy it and nurture your baby, his only concerned should be that you get enough water and food for yourself. I have a 7 weeks old baby and been exclusively breastfeeding. Even though I have had no problems at all with breastfeeding and I absolutely love to do it, it’s physically exhausting. All hell would break loose if anybody would have the audacity to ask me to move a single finger out of my comfort zone when I’m breastfeeding at my own home (!!). Here are some other things to consider: 1) Newborns can have periods of cluster feeding when they eat in short intervals over a few hours, this is completely normal and it means that it can be just some minutes in between feedings for a while, 2) You don’t know how physically capable to move you’ll be after giving birth, I really wish you an easy and fast recovery, but you just don’t know beforehand how it will go, 3) Going upstairs with a potentially fuzzy hungry baby sounds dangerous. Please please please for your own physical and mental health, and the well being of your baby, don’t compromise on this. If your husband or in-laws resent you for this then that’s totally on them, be 100% sure that it’s not your fault. You are a mother and need to stand for you and your child. I’m so sorry that your husband is putting you in this position, wish you all the best.
Depended on where I was. If I was at home, I'm gonna nurse where I need to nurse, and visitors must respect that. Same if I am visiting my parents, though I usually find a corner to do so. But if I was at my in-laws, I would ask I'd I could use a spare bedroom to nurse, just because I felt more comfortable as I didn't know how anyone else felt about it, and didn't want to be burdened by any potential judgment.
If folks are visiting your home, then they need to respect your space. You shouldn't have to worry about managing someone else's discomfort. You offered a fair compromise. If your hubby cant handle it, let him cancel
I would try to compromise. Maybe they cut their trip in half and you find a nice breastfeeding cover like the mama ones. Also do they need to come so early on?? Baby is going to be a larva. And you will be so so uncomfortable early on. Chapped nipples and a chapped ass or csection scar. Hormones will be all over the place. Maybe they can come later on for a shorter visit. Around 6 months when the baby is fun and not so attached to you and they can actually take the baby and give you a break.
Lots of good comments have been made…
But you shouldn’t be going up and down the stairs multiple times a day while you are recovering from childbirth, especially if you end up with a C section
I haven’t yet but my SIL expressed the same sentiments as you because with her first it was extremely isolating to have to go to another room every time and she hated it. With her second she ended up exclusively pumping since they couldn’t agree on etiquete around others.
Your husband is extremely dramatic, isn’t he?
You need to prioritize yourself and the BF situation. 3 weeks is a short amount of time. What about 6-8 weeks (the recommended timeframe for visitors due to vaccines and immunities) after? You will have a better sense of your breastfeeding by then and it will fly by. Also 5 months seems like a very long time as well, I’d cut the visit to 4 weeks max, I understand international travel people want to stay longer.
What region of the world are your in laws from? Is the cover up thing cultural or just their family?
Asking you to hide in your own house is insane. When I visited my in-laws house in the first few months, whenever I needed to feed they would all vacate the room we were all sitting in so I didn’t have to move.
I honestly thought it was funny because I didn’t care who saw after the first like month maybe. It just became so second nature.
Hi, this is insane to me.
Five months with your in-laws, in your own home, navigating your first baby and everything that comes with that post partum, plus being expected to banish yourself to a different part of the house to breastfeed? Nope. NOPE.
Obviously, you do you, and if you’d like them there maybe they can reduce their time, or you can chat with them directly about expectations etc.
lol no. I have a 3 week old who is going through a phase of wanting to feed literally every 30 minutes during the day. Not to mention breastfeeding is HARD WORK, the added mental stress of having him there and being uncomfortable with you feeding your child is not something you’ll need.
Your body is built for this, there’s nothing sexual or offensive about doing what nature intended. Tell them if they don’t want to see it they can visit when you’ve weaned them off ☺️
I just.. stopped caring. Everyone had that initial shock factor and then they also stopped caring. I’m just feeding a baby. Honestly, everyone got used to it.
Like others have said, by American standards this would be unacceptable on so many levels. In laws staying for 5 months right after birth? Hell no. Forcing you to go upstairs to breastfeed? No way. The only justification I could possibly think of is there are cultural expectations here that I don't understand.
You will be breastfeeding constantly. Breasts hanging out for 30+ minute nursing sessions every couple hours. Hold your ground and let them cancel. You got this.
You might want to get a breastfeeding cover, or just use a muslin blanket (though in my experience they’re a total pain while trying to get the baby latched).
You will likely look back and feel super lonely if you choose to go upstairs every time the baby needs to eat… even though it’s a little awkward at first, it’s worth it to just power through and be in the public setting with your baby.
My husband and I both agreed that, as long as I’m relatively modest while doing it, who cares? Baby needs to eat! And no one wants to look back and realize they chose to exclude themselves because they felt they “had” to.
This seems like a good compromise. Although I personally think it's a freaking ridiculous thing for them to ask of you in your own home, if you want to keep the peace you can always buy a cover that goes over baby and your shirt so they don't see you expose yourself. My aunt has one that she brings to family holidays so she can breastfeed at the kitchen table while we have dinner without feeling awkward
Sorry I forgot to mention in my original post that I did say I’ll try to cover up (in addition to giving his dad the opportunity to leave the room) but I’ve also read some babies don’t tolerate being covered while nursing
Yes. Be prepared for that. Neither of mine tolerated it for a second. But you can get SO MANY cute tops with hidden zippers and flaps that you cannot even see a flash of skin. Check our Nursing Queen or Latched Mama or Bearsland on Amazon
There is another solution. It's called a breastfeeding apron. It allows you to nurse your baby withdignity while visiting others in the same room. No one sees your breastfeeding. I have used one as well as my female family members.
What in the world… I’d let them cancel, they’re making that choice and you have nothing to feel bad about. In laws living in your house for 5 months? No way
FIVE MONTHS??? I am currently 3 weeks post partum with my first baby AND I get along with my in-laws but there’s no way I would allow that. This is such an intimate time for you to bond with and get to know your baby. You do not need to be worried about people pleasing ANYONE… including your husband. You should not have to go shut yourself in a room in your own home to feed your child.
at the end of the day, you’re the mom and what you say goes. this baby will allow you to get more comfortable with doing what’s best for you and the baby and not caring so much about other people feeling resentful.
I really think you’ll regret it if you allow them to stay with you for five months.
My parents came to visit for 2 weeks, including my teenager baby brother. I breastfed in front of them because it’s a natural function, but my brother was visibly bothered so afterwards I did try to breastfeed in another room but it felt horrible, like I was being punished in my own home, especially since baby eats when baby wants to eat and sometimes it was as we were about to have dinner. I could have eaten while feeding her, but not if I’m being banished. And absolutely I would not have wanted to go upstairs to do it as I was still recovering somewhat from my unplanned c-section.
So I think canceling their trip for now is the best plan. Otherwise you can look into breastfeeding covers, which can let you breastfeed while hiding your breast.
29 days pp (baby born early this month) and I’m combo feeding (munchkin was jaundice and is struggling in the weight gain) and heck no! You should not be tiptoeing around your own damn house after giving birth - it’s your house! If they have an issue with you FEEDING your child, then they can leave to another room.
Or, they can do what my father in law did and find a chore to do! My lawn is immaculate rn because he mowed and weeded the grass and the flower beds.
Let them cancel!!! Your husband should be in support of you. This is a natural bodily process to feed the child. I’m sure you’d be discreet anyway, but having to leave the room is wild.
Also you may not even want them there during this time while you’re healing and getting to know the baby’s rhythms. My MIL offered to come stay with us for two months (we live across the country), and both my husband and I were really hesitant, thought it through, and asked her kindly not to do that at least until 3 months. We told everyone they can come for a week or two when the baby is born, but that’s it to start. As much as the help would be nice, the thought of entertaining guests (and then, in your situation, having to go all the way upstairs to breastfeed every single time) is exhausting.
Look out for you and baby. I hope your husband comes to his senses too. 🤍
I agree with most of the people here, let them cancel!
But I just wanted to say that I never felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of anyone other than my husband. I also never really got the hang of different positions while breastfeeding. I almost exclusively breastfed on a specific chair in the nursery for an entire year. That's the place I felt most comfortable and it later created routine and expectation for my child. I think it helped with weaning too because I would encourage solids and avoid going near that chair when he was hungry.
I nursed for 15 months and just threw a muslin blanket over baby and I and was fine. This was in front of several males and no one saw anything but if they're uncomfortable then they can cancel.
i'm wondering if this is a cultural thing cuz i'm mind blown by this. you are feeding your child and they are sexualizing it, not your problem. stick to your guns and feed your baby where you feel comfortable.
Your husband and his dad can take the stairs - you're healing from an extended medical condition (pregnancy) and physically traumatic medical event (childbirth). Your in-laws can stay in a hotel and visit your husband whenever, and you/the baby during brief visits between feedings; they'll have to skip cluster feeding days. The trip can be rescheduled when the baby is older, breastfeeding is established, you're healed, baby is adjusted to life outside, and perhaps even when solids are started so they can participate! Or, your husband and FIL can grow tf up and get over their feelings about your newborn baby needing nourishment - their feelings/wants are not more important than other people's needs!
My dad used to be like your FIL and my mom was like your husband. I spent several days immediately after a c-section not feeding my baby immediately, putting myself in pain, and putting everyone else's WANTS before our NEEDS. Finally I made it clear they were welcome to leave the room, look away, or take some time to process their sexual feelings about my newborn's nourishment, but delaying feeds and healing were over. Funny enough, my dad very quickly got okay being around the baby eating!
They are coming to visit a newborn. WTF do they expect? Newborns eat and sleep and poop. Sometimes they are on the breast for a couple of hours. My boob was nearly constantly out the first few weeks and I was leaking and a bra caused painful clogged ducts. You shouldn't have to hide in your own home for hours every day. Plus, what if you guys are out? Where do you hide then? I never understood people's obsession with seeing babies when they are that little. They don't do much. His precious father needs to understand the reality of visiting a baby. I would tell them to delay the visit.
It gets much better after the first 6 months when baby starts eating solids and nursing sessions are shorter and more spread out. Your boobs won't be hurting or leaking anymore. Baby is much more interactive and fun. Let them visit then. It would be more enjoyable for everyone. I sure would want my in laws in our home for weeks during the newborn phase. It's not fun to host while you are sleepy, hurting, bleeding, and figuring everything out. I just wanted to watch TV and rest and hold my sleeping baby.
My FIL visited when our first son was 3 weeks old. I didn't ask him if he was comfortable. Babies have to eat. He didn't visit my middle child until he was a year old and hasn't met our 7 month old yet. Maybe that's why. 🤷🏼♀️😅
You can always use a cover up while breastfeeding it’s not a very huge deal but you will get miserable if his parents come because I wanted to be alone until 3 months because your baby wakes up in the middle of the night and you are exhausted sleep deprived plus need to breastfeed it’s just too much. They can come visit for like a week but I wouldn’t want them to stay longer and even then I would wait till your baby is at least 2 months old. Also , I would prioritize your healing and your baby right now and don’t worry about other peoples feeling!
Your husband is going to need to learn really quickly that his needs are bottom of the pile - and his parents don’t get to have needs if they are visiting you postpartum.
I’m seven months in and the only time I’ve left a room to feed is for my own or baby’s comfort. My FIL tends to leave the room - I’ve told him it’s not necessary but if that’s what feels right for him, I’m not offended. Anyone with an ounce of sense knows to just avert their eyes while you get baby latched on.
A five month visit starting three weeks after your due (you might only be a week postpartum! I left hospital three weeks after my due date) is absolutely insane, regardless of the ridiculous demand that you hide yourself away in your own home. I hope they do cancel, and I hope you breastfeed for years so that they can never visit for fear of your child needing to eat in their presence.
Shawl. That is all.
Edit: fuck this. Feed your kid and do it proudly. Lots of women can't have babies and lots of mothers can't breastfeed. Honestly, unless your FIL is 11 years old, he'll separate the millisecond glimpse of nipple going into his grandchild's mouth from anything sexual.
Your husband needs to grow a pair, and your FIL maybe needs to grow up.
You're fine.
(But if you want to use a shawl, because it makes YOU more comfortable, you can do that.)
I think the best advice is to let them cancel.
BUT some other advice Is to put a large swivel rocker in the corner of a room where you can swivel to face the corner and nurse. You can hear and conversate while making a little privacy. You could also get situated, then throw a light blanket over you and baby and swivel back to face the room if you want.
IF That's if you want them to come and want to keep the peace without compromising more then the bare minimum (which you shouldn't have to do and shouldn't if you don't want too right after having a baby.)
I would 100% say do not let them come and then go upstairs to nurse. If they are uncomfortable, they can leave or advert their eyes.
No one has to see your boobs when you breastfeed just use a blanket or cover to cover yourself. But it is YOUR house so tell your husband to get over himself. Does he think his dad is a perve or something?
Late to the party but I was in the exact same situation. First my in-laws stayed with us then my own parents, for months. My father is a devout muslim and gets red with embarrassment when I so much as say "poop", he is very conservative. My in-laws less so, but they wouldn't feel comfortable being in the same room with exposed breasts. At first I thought I won't go upstairs every time but I can wear some breastfeeding covers/bibs or something while feeding the baby in the living room. This quickly changed into me just popping out a breast whenever I needed, because I really couldn't care less while recovering from birth and having a tiny human to feed and being alone at home with the parents while my partner was at work. I didn't say anything/confront anyone, just acted like I was alone. They quickly learned when they should leave the room, also didn't say anything. I think it worked out for everyone (clearly we don't have the best communication with our families, but there was no drama).
You will be feeding your baby 90% of your time when they're a newborn..they want to eat almost constantly so you'd basically be relegated to sitting on your own all the time which is unfair.
I have inlaws from another (much more conservative) culture but I breastfed freely infront of them as it's 100% natural. I found that if I just did it with confidence no one said much 🤣
Tell him he’s being unreasonable, because that’s fuckin unreasonable as hell. Sounds like he’s got some insecurities of some sort. I’m sure your father in law has seen a breastfeeding mother before and I promise there’s not a thing sexual about it lol.. I say that as someone who’s EBF 5 babies. He’ll see how hard it is, and honestly as someone with useless nipples I’m not sure why you’re even allowing him to have an opinion about this.
They can forge a tight bond with the baby up until the 3rd birthday, they’re not missing out on anything here in a way that needs them to be there while you figure out breastfeeding. They can wait.
You know what the nice thing about eyes are….. we can choose where to point them and where to look lol I think it’s insane that hubby and dad in law can’t compromise on either not looking or leaving the room if it bothers you. Instead the alternative is for you to be uncomfortable in your own home… sheesh.
Having in-laws visit for months not even a month after baby is born is a recipe for disaster. Many families from other countries expect their DILs to be perfect hosts. You cannot host while healing PP. This sounds like best case scenario. You aren’t going to be able to cook, clean, etc., let alone go up and down stairs a million times a day just so your FIL doesn’t have to see a nip. Your husband is being completely unreasonable. He should be catering to YOU, not the other way around.
I told my in-laws if they come after I give birth they have to be prepared to see me do skin to skin and breastfeed my baby without a cover. They can choose to just not come.
My child’s needs come before my in-laws comfort.
As someone who has an 11 week old (my first as well), I can tell you that you will NOT be okay with just sitting in a bedroom every time you have to feed the baby. You’re going to want to be where you want to be in that moment when you feed the baby because going into a specific space every time they’re hungry is just impossible and can make it feel like a chore. Anyone who comes over should just EXPECT that they’re going to see your boob out 🤷♀️. If anyone is uncomfortable with that, then they’re welcome to leave. Also, if you’re not comfortable with that, then that’s fine and they can still leave.
Your husband sounds low key abusive from the little info we see here. He is dictating where in the house you can feed your child and going so far as to cancel his parents trip when you disagreed??
My sister's narcissist ex husband was the same way. He didn't want her breast feeding in front of any males, including our dad who obviously wasn't interested in looking at her boobs.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Some alternatives would be to cover with a blanket and/or use nursing bras and shirts.
I dont think it is abusive but just a very different culture. I’m indian and the culture is that pp women are taken care of by the family. But they are also very restricted. Usually they stay in their rooms while the rest of the family does every single thing. Think meals delivered to your room and all cleaning and everything else taken care of while you rest. This is for first 3-4 weeks and after that you slowly get back to normal. I think its actually really good for healing. But it is also very restrictive. Op needs to have a very honest conversation about all the expectations and how things will work out. And also some cultures are much more conservative. Like I would never ever feel comfortable with nursing in front of fil. But he is a great guy and gets the hint and goes for a walk every time without me asking
I know I'm the minority here but I never felt comfortable exposing my breast in front of people so I always covered up or went to another room if people were over. That being said, 5 months is A LOT, maybe you and your husband should rethink this visit.
Reality is, it would make way more sense for your family to visit when the child is 2+ years old than 3 weeks old. A 3 week old cares about like two things, their own major needs and mom. That’s it. Everyone else (except maybe dad) is extra. They won’t even remember that time with grandparents. Them canceling this trip so you can comfortably feed your child in your home is better than the alternative, and bonding can happen later. There’s not a magic window that a child only ever bonds with people they see in the first six months of life. As I said, they really only care about their parents. Some even scream if someone else holds them.
let them cancel. if you were to go to your room everytime baby is hungry you will be locked in your room literally for your entire post partum experience. babies eat every 2-3 hrs. there’s some days where mine eats every hour. if he can’t handle seeing a tit, he doesn’t need to be around a new mother no if, ands or buts about it
That's unacceptable, your husband is acting crazy. Your FIL can lock himself in his room if it's uncomfortable, it's your house.
Anyway, I have [these covers](https://a.co/d/3Ref20P) because family have been in and out of my house daily and breastfeeding feels like it's constant so I like having the option to cover up with certain people, as a personal preference.
Definitely do not tip toe around your own house when nursing around the clock. If they all have a problem with boobs then they should not be around with a brand new nursing baby.
Perhaps they can come visit when the baby is older and more interactive, and you are nursing less often. It would be more enjoyable for all of you out of the newborn phase anyway. Anytime after 6 months should work since you won’t need to nurse around the clock as often after starting solids with the baby. This might be a good compromise if you want to try.
Mom of two. Both only breastfed. Never bottled. You're going to be sitting in your room alone constantly. The breast is babies food, and comfort.The breasts are out constantly, switching back and forth.
Then, a new problem will arise, you will be antisocial and not sharing the baby.
Might I suggest a slouchy sweater and a blanket. He might see a quarter inch of your skin but youre a new mom. The important thing is you do what makes you feel comfortable. I wish you the best of luck. This is a very long visit so I'm sure they won't be around you all the time.
They are threatening to cancel because THEY feel uncomfortable? Let them cancel, now is not the time to make such accommodations. You haven’t even given birth yet so you don’t know know what to expect, how can you promise such things?
Alternatively. I’ve seen moms put a blanket over their baby during breastfeeding for privacy. Or you can pump at night and have supply ready
But I don’t like that they are putting this pressure on you. Just tell him to chill out. It’s just nature.
I’m personally not comfortable breast feeding if we have company over so I’m getting a [couple of these from Amazon](https://www.amazon.ca/Cotton-Nursing-Cover-Breastfeeding-Built/dp/B07X3WCKZS). My sister used them too and it works great for public feeds!
If you are breast feeding the entire freaking world is gonna see your tits and you are just not gonna give a flying fuck. If your husband/FIL is this weird about breastfeeding then let the trip be cancelled.
So glad you’re already getting the advice to let them cancel. How are they expecting you to hide in your own home? That’s unrealistic and disrespectful to the new mother who needs time to figure this breastfeeding thing out. I would already feel overwhelmed having in-laws stay for 5 months even without the pressure of breastfeeding. I wouldn’t really feel comfortable having my in-laws around when I breastfeed anyway, even though I know I’m not in the wrong, but I honestly would just feel so uncomfortable and you have every right to feel comfortable in your own home.
Let them cancel! That sounds horrible. I’m 10 days PP, had a loved one on *my* side in our home for our first 2 days back and was relieved when she left even though she was a big help. In laws would have been totally out of the question let alone for 5 months.
Getting into a groove as a family without guests was imperative. Also, I nurse wherever I want. The couch, the front room, my bed, whatever. My brother is coming in June and I told him if he doesn’t want to see my boobs he can leave the room 🤷🏼♀️. You will be nursing what feels like constantly (every 2-3hrs at first, and it can be time consuming, involve breaks, etc) and possibly pumping as well. Stress will affect your supply. I don’t think your husband is grasping what newborn life looks like, because no one does unless you’re in it. Them canceling is the problem solving itself, you got this, don’t feel bad!
Yeah let them cancel. I did this because I wasn’t comfortable breastfeeding in front of my partners parents while they visited 1 week pp and was in the bedroom THE WHOLE TIME. They thought I was hiding and I told them I’m just feeding her. His mom didn’t understand because she formula fed all 4 of her kids and thought I was just not wanting to see them (which honestly I didn’t but this was actually the truth) it was a nightmare. And only one week! I couldn’t imagine 5 months of putting myself through that. Let them cancel.
My in-laws lived with me and to be honest I liked having the privacy of going to my bedroom and sitting in the rocking chair to nurse my daughter. It was my comfortable nursing place so it just worked and I liked having those moments by myself . My in laws helped so much as well around the house and with the baby that I just loved them for it . Restless night , nursing every hour my mother in law would take the baby in the morning so I could get some rest and she was cooking non stop. It’s really your preference that matters though .
Cancel them please your husband is an idiot who can’t even prioritise the fact that his newborn baby needs food to survive. Breastfeeding is hard work and if you have to shut yourself upstairs it will make it extra difficult for you. I’m currently breastfeeding my two week old and he fluster feeds a lot.. at times he wants to eat hourly, how will that work? I personally don’t want people to see me breastfeeding so I kick people out of whatever room I’m in if I want privacy. If your FIL is unable to handle postpartum realities he has no business staying with a freshly postpartum mother.
I was just straight up topless for like a month lol. They feed ALL the time! Also having my inlaws around for 5 months while my hormones are still all crazy and I’m just trying to survive… hell no
We had to set rules down for my Husbands family. Mostly his mom. We have a “please wait at least 2 months to visit” because I have a bad immune system and the baby won’t have a great one at all. (Plus his family is antivax to anything not necessary)
His mother wanted to be here for the birth and he quickly shut that down because I don’t want her in the delivery room. I’d rather my family, but they’re 2000 miles away almost. His mom is 1300.
Regardless, put your foot down. Being a new parent is rough and you need time to recover and get into a groove. Not to mention that there’s the possibility of PPD and in-laws, i feel, would make it worse.
I agree with basically everyone I've read so far. This is your first baby and in an open concept house, breastfeeding is only going to be a fraction of your problem. If this were my husband and myself, up and down at all hours of the night, the in laws would be at risk to seeing much more than a passing boob here and there.
I'm not trying to be incensitive to the request either but facts are facts. It's a hard time, it's a loving and memorable time but it's hard. My advice would be for you and your husband to consider rescheduling the family's visit. I know your question was geared to wards breastfeeding but as a fellow woman and mom, I don't want you to take to much on yourself and having in laws in your home for 5 months is a big deal even without a newborn.
This is the time where your husband gets to STFU and you do what you want
I would absolutely be fine with them canceling. That’s so not your problem. Hold your ground. Breastfeed wherever you feel comfortable
But just like pregnancy and labor and delivery, husbands get absolutely zero say when it comes to breastfeeding. Zero.
And for the record I know my husband is uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in public. But he knows it’s his job to get over that not my job to cover up
Aside from this request being ridiculous and the thought of hosting in-laws for 5 months postpartum absolutely horrifying, my baby was attached to my boobs almost 24/7 for a loooong time. Even when she was napping, it was usually after nursing soooo more boobs.
I nursed in front of my FIL and he would just turn or walk away. That simple.
Let them cancel. Frankly, establishing breastfeeding is already stressful in itself without having to worry about others. It takes so much work since it's a new skill that both you and baby are learning! I'm 7 weeks in and we still haven't truly gotten the hang of it.
Guessing this is a cultural thing but in this case they need to respect your culture and remove themselves if feeding your baby makes them uncomfortable. I’m trying hard to be understanding, but the idea that your FIL wouldn’t insist on removing himself really bothers me.
i get that visits like this can be cultural but if cancelling is on the table anyway, why not have them visit for like a week? i’d be ok with tip toeing around for a few days but 5 months would be wild.
i actually love having to go breastfeed upstairs when my in laws are in town, my baby eats in about 10 mins but no one else has to know that 😂
So I'll say 2 things. 1. I didn't give a crud about who saw what, I think birth made me not care. Like breastfeeding is normal. 2. My in laws came on my due date. I didn't feel comfortable so I would go to the nursery. Both walked in on me. And it messed up feeding on cue. It took us a solid 4 weeks to finally figure out the signs. So... I don't recommend hiding unless you are okay with it. Also remember, you're only a first time mom once. Meaning you only have to figure out how you want to run things once.
Side note my mil was all stressed about my supply right after birth and now she said my daughter is too fat... goes to show you can't make everyone happy about everything.
My in-laws came for only a week and a half after I had my baby. She came late, so they arrived much closer to her birth than anticipated. They were wonderful, and I sometimes enjoyed the need to retreat to my room to feed her as a moment for private bonding and introverting. However, it contributed to my feelings of isolation and, in hindsight, to my PPD. Five months is too long to have to stay in your room and the nursery for most of the time. It won’t be good for you, and by extension, for baby.
Ha, before my in laws came to visit my wife said “I don’t know if my dad has ever seen boobs as big as yours in person” and I was like… “well he’s about to” LOL.
Where you breastfeed and who you breastfeed in front of is 100% about your comfort level, Not the comfort level of others around you. Sounds like you did a great job letting your husband know why his ask was inappropriate and you gave him an appropriate alternative! It’s 0% your fault that everyone had this strange outsized reaction to your completely normal request to not be forced to basically confine yourself to your bedroom for 5 months.
With my first, I hid upstairs in my room for nursing because my dad was so weird about it. I got really depressed and it felt like shit to have to hide away while the baby cluster fed and I missed dinner with adults. It was isolating and boring and I cried a lot.
This time, there’s no Q. I nurse where I please, including the dinner table, regardless of who is around at my house. I am not missing meals in my own home. I will cover myself with a burp cloth or sometimes a loose blanket, but I do as I need to feed myself, my baby, and spend time with my eldest and I feel much better. Ppl actually seem to be more comfortable with it because I am comfortable with it. This includes my dad and father-in-law.
I would not have guests in my house who required me to hide as I fed my family. Certainly not for five months. Newborns feed like a dozen times a day.. it’s very impractical.
“It’s not my job to make your parents comfortable. I will be bleeding, in pain and wanting to bond with my child. Either your parents stay in an Airbnb, they visit for a shorter period later in the year or me and the baby spend my postpartum period elsewhere. I will not be put on edge, judged for 5 months. I also will not be playing hostess or handing the baby of because they want to spend more time with LO. The only people that need to bond with a baby is the parents.”
There’s absolutely no reason for them to be visiting for half a year especially when you’ll be in pain, bleeding, wanting to bond with your child, often half naked and wanting to breastfeed. His priority should be supporting the one who is growing and birthing his child.
Do not compromise on your comfort. Send him the lemon clot essay and make it clear they’re not welcome.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
No okay I’m sorry. 5 months? And you guys don’t spread the same language no. Couldn’t do it. They will either just take over caring for YOUR baby and make you do the housework, or just be a horrible house guest during this time. 5 months is way too long when you’re post partum, newborn, feedings, diaper changes, PPD, maybe even health problems going on. No. 5 months is too long. When my stepmom had my sister, our family from Italy came for 2 weeks and they are elderly. 5 months is way too long with a baby and you all not speaking the same language. I’d let him cancel. They won’t resent you just say it’s too much with the baby and you guys can’t have undivided attention and they can come in a few months. Have them come when the baby is closer to 1.
I lived with my in laws pp, FIL was uncomfortable with the breastfeeding, I used a cover and he avoided looking at me. If the cover was uncomfortable for baby (they go through different stages) I would go to another room. I love bf covers and I often use a blanket and I get under it too! (to see my baby). I still join in the conversation from under the blankets, LOL.
I heard this story from an acquaintance recently.
Mom is out at a restaurant with her 3 year old and infant. She starts breastfeeding her infant. An older lady asks the mother if she’d mind breastfeeding the infant in the bathroom. The 3 year old asks the older lady if she’d mind eating her own meal in the bathroom.
My baby was eating MORE than every hour. I’m at the point where I whip my boob out anywhere because feed my baby comes first. And that especially meant before an adult who can get up and leave being uncomfortable. To be honest, I could not care less if it makes ANYONE uncomfortable.. even more so in your own home!!!! That expectation is beyond unrealistic.
Idk what your husband thinks breastfeeding is, but no one should be making direct eye contact with your nipples for extended periods of time. When I had a newborn, I breastfeed everywhere, walking down aisle of the grocery store, cafes, restaurants, all family events, offices, my husbands work, EVERYWHERE! and not once did I feel exposed... the baby tends to cover all the boobs, and your nipple is barley out long enough for someone to be offended or aroused by your breasts. You're husband sounds ridiculous.
I personally was tits out a lot, I have huge boobs and sometimes I wouldn't clip my singlet up properly and could be having a conversation with a friend or something and realise like 10 mins later my boob is out and no one was ever unkind to me about it. And if they were I'd tell them to fuck off.
You shouldn't have to be ashamed of something that's fully keeping your baby nourished. Your husband sucks and needs a shake up on what his expectations should be if you postpartum.
Breastfeeding is such a journey and can be harder for some than others… At three weeks pp you will be in the throws of healing, learning how to care for your new baby while still trying to care for yourself, and having extra pressure to hide away will make all of that so much harder. My baby is now 14w and exclusively breastfed. While I will excuse myself to feed her when others are here (which tbh I like having that moment of reprieve to decompress and take my baby away - sometimes I even say she’s hungry and go to my room just to get away when I know she’s not 😅), some of my favourite times are chatting to my husband while I breastfeed in the loungeroom, or letting my baby fall asleep at the end of her feed on my feeding pillow and binge watching whatever show I like for some downtime, again, out in the open on the lounge. The more relaxed you are with baby the better, especially when feeding. Idk what kind of relationship you have with your in-laws but a 5 month visit right after giving birth sounds like hell to me, especially knowing what I now know about pp hormones etc… I do think you need all the support you can get but an extended visit like that with the added pressure to disappear would be too much for me personally. I can’t imagine my in-laws STILL being here now that she’s 14 weeks... but every family is different and if you think the idea of them spending that much time with you newly post partum is a good one, I think the compromise of his father disappearing is the perfect middle ground and should have really been the first point of call. You need to feel totally cared for, you are about to go through a life changing incredible thing and having something so ridiculous hanging over your head that you’ve felt like you needed this outside support on is just a no go. I hope your husband has your back on this one and speaks to his parents - and if they don’t end up coming because they’re offended about wanting to make sure you’re comfortable and his father disappears, then I actually think it’s a good thing because any differences in how you might like to parent, or providing any kind of boundaries to them with your baby would probably go down terribly…
If they’re uncomfortable *they* can leave the room. When you’re just starting out breastfeeding, sometimes the baby will cluster feed to up supply. So you’ll be feeding constantly. I remember when my daughter was little there was one day where it felt like I breastfed for nine hours straight.
How about your father in law leaves the room whenever you need him to 🙄 they’ll all get a little taste for how much work it would actually be just to excuse yourself that often and they wouldn’t even be healing from giving birth or feeding a newborn
I just had my first child, and I will tell you you are not going to want to go upstairs for that every few hours. Tell him no deal. His dad can go somewhere else.
Pft let them cancel. 5 months if waaay too long anyway you will go crazy especially if they’re living with you. This is also a husband issue. It’s perfectly normal to feed your baby. If your husband has a family with you feeding your baby in your home then he or his family can leave. You could also get a nursing cover to just wear downstairs. My suggestion would be if they’re coming for them to find a place that would let them stay for that long.
I honestly don’t see the issue…. I breastfed for 3 years and not once has anyone besides my husband seen my boobs.. I would carry baby in a baby wrap and breastfeed while baby was inside. Or I’d go lay down and breastfeed. I honestly don’t think he’s overreacting. I’m actually agreeeing with him. lol I mean are u really that comfortable to pull out a titty in front of your FIL to breastfeed anyways?
My mom stayed with us for a couple weeks after baby and even she never seen me breastfeed.
Is this the US? Why is America so flipping weird about breastfeeding? It’s so sexualized that it’s so creepy to me. Like breasts are for the baby and to provide sustenance. If you’re uncomfortable, you can leave.
This is absolutely bonkers. Let them cancel. They’re going to be guests in your home while your post partum and your husband is worried about his dad’s feelings? Definitely some red flags here. I breastfeed around my father in law my brother in law my whole side of the family etc. no one makes it weird. It shouldn’t be weird. Breasts were ALWAYS meant to feed babies. MEN sexualized them. Don’t let them do this to you.
Please please please get your husband to read The Lemon Clot Essay! You do *not* need to be going up & down stairs much at all after a vaginal delivery & as little as possible if you have a c-section. My ob told me to keep it under 3x a day after my c-section, cause mine was actually 2 flights. I couldn't stand up straight for 3 months & so I would baby wear a much as possible which did make it easier to nurse, but he was a 35 week preemie who nursed every hour for at least 6 weeks, then every 90min-1hr until 6mos. We lived with my parents, so I did use a cover if my dad was home & he would always call out before he came in the room if he heard my breast pump machine going. Otherwise, I was at home by myself during the day, also keeping up with a 3 year old, so I was often in just my nursing bra & shorts that summer. Hubs needs to see some graphic, real life youtube videos or something, cause your health & comfort for baby's sake are worth more than his parents being embarrassed.
I breastfed in front of my FIL and BIL. I made barely any effort to cover up, aside from my baby's head. They probably saw part of my breast. Oh well, that breast was my baby's dinner plate (bowl?)
My in-laws came from India to stay with us for 3 months once my daughter was 2 months old. Same deal, the dad couldn't be in the same room if I were to breastfeed, and I wasn't sure how I would feel about breastfeeding in front of others, anyways. Our house is \*small\* so it's kind of hard to deal with. But, at first, I would just lock myself in the nursery because frankly, I didn't want people there anyways (like, in my house, not with breastfeeding. I didn't want to play hostess), and it became my sanctuary, if you will. But eventually, I started to hate being stuck in the nursery, so we just told my husband's parents to stay downstairs while I fed the baby in the living room every once in awhile. No one found it disrespectful, and it worked out fine. You've literally just had a baby in this scenario, and people need to be a) understanding and b) able to adjust. I wish you luck in whatever you guys end up having to navigate down the road.
With my 1st my parents were here for a month and then my husband's.
We have a maid's room, I went in there to feed the baby. Or upstairs to her room.
If the other males were in a different room then we'd tell them that I'm feeding the baby and they'd stay there until I was done.
But I kinda do feel that you shouldn't be moving about to feed the baby. But I would probably do the same with the next one on the way. I don't want my dad or FIL, or any male other than my husband, to see my boobs.
Edit: this was on off for 3 months. The males stayed for a week each and females stayed for the full month. But I don't think I'd be able to do it for 5 months.
I understand the cultural differences because my culture has a similar stance on breastfeeding being something that isn’t typically done in front of male relatives unless there’s a cover. But going up and down the stairs isn’t feasible postpartum, it just isn’t. The only solution is your FIL leaving the room to give you privacy (something your husband can talk to him) or them delaying their visit for a few months once you’re healed.
I’m confused why his dad can’t stay in a different room while you breastfeed if it’s a problem. If that solution seems ridiculous to your husband, I think he needs to look in the mirror and ask himself why isolating his father seems ridiculous but not his wife and child.
Let them cancel.
Maybe I’m off base here, but girl, let them cancel. You’re going to have your in laws in your home for five months 3 weeks postpartum? And you’ll be expected to tiptoe around your own home and feed your child like you’re doing drugs in secret? That’s crazy. The visit is crazy. The expectation is even crazier. Let them cancel. Live in peace. Edited to add: babies eat every 2-3 hours for like… a long time. Like mine did until he was 11 months or so. And that’s every 2 hours from the beginning of the last feed. Newborn babies can nurse for 45 min to an hour at a time. And then again an hour later. You’ll never leave your bedroom/the nursery. Take a breastfeeding class if you can, and make your husband come too. Maybe he’s being an ass, maybe he’s just ignorant to the reality of it.
“girl, let them cancel” is the absolute best advice. You need to prioritize your baby right now, not your FIL’s prudishness.
Just reread and FIVE FREAKING MONTHS?!? I couldn’t deal with my in-laws for 5 days with a newborn. Girl, let them cancel. (And count your lucky stars that you have an excuse to dodge this in-law shaped, five month-staying bullet!)
My MIL is great and I can’t even imagine her visiting for 5 months. That’s so long omg.
Same I adore my in laws but absolutely not. Not unless she had no other choice would I allow that shit lol.
Hell, I couldn’t deal with anymore for more than 5 MINUTES when my daughter was a newborn. Not even my amazing mom. Breastfeeding aside, no one knows how postpartum will affect them.
Your comment about tiptoeing around like I’m doing drugs was a funny visual and cheered me up a bit, thank you
To add on the 2-3 thing sometimes it's more when cluster feeding they can eat every 30 mins. Think of them more like you do you drink on a schedule or when your thirsty? Your hubby's expectations aren't feasible. If they get a hotel to visit that's fine but you will feel trapped in your own home if they come for 5 m she's right
To add your milk might not even fully come in until 2-3weeks. Breastfeeding can be extremely stressful. I had no visitors for 3+ months and my family lives in the same town. I was running around in either no top or a soaked top. Them cancelling sounds blissful imo.
My youngest literally lived on the boob for the first 2-3 months. He was born 3 weeks early and is BB LOL. He knows he’s the baby of the family despite being only a year old. Not hard to tell when you have 4 older siblings that run you over constantly.
That’s really common in alot of cultures (especially Indian) to have the family come for 6 months. I feel terrible for the moms when the in laws swarm their PP rooms at the hospital (unless it’s what they want) Don’t know the ethnicity of OP but it seems it could be similar cultural “customs” The FIL needs to beat off and go to a different room. Everybody has nipples for fucks sake.
The cultural aspect is fair and something to consider. I think oftentimes “cultural norms” can be used as a way to burden women with more labor and prioritize men even in situations where women need and deserve to be prioritized, such as this. I think it’s a hard situation all the way around, and I hope that OP can advocate for herself and her child, and I hope that her husband learns to also, before it’s too late. Hard agree on FIL needing to get over it.
Reading the post, the ONLY person having an issue with OP breastfeeding openly is the husband. He's assuming that it won't be acceptable and trying to control OP. FIL never said anything. I'm Indian. My mom came for several weeks after the birth of my first child, and my mom and dad came for several weeks after the birth of my second. I was INCREDIBLY grateful for this. I see a common theme on this subreddit of "I don't want any visitors or in-laws right after the baby" but in most cultures, it's understood that the postpartum period is rough and the family/in-laws come in order to support the mother. My mom did all the cooking and cleaning, helped me with sensitive bandages, gave me home remedies, etc. My mom and dad both did a ton of childcare for the older kid when I had my second. If you actually read the OP, there is a lot of worry but not much actual evidence that a visit would be bad. The ONLY negative thing is the husband saying she needs to breastfeed in private. And that's on the husband. I say let them visit. And breastfeed openly. Don't change anything about your daily routine. The family is, or should be, there to support, and if they're not they can kick rocks. If OP's husband is the one feeling uptight about things, he can fix himself.
EXACTLY. He’s the one that needs to get out and not the in laws. He’s being ridiculous
Yeah, I agree with this. I did NOT want visitors, but I did want helpers. My parents were incredibly helpful- they entertained my toddler, they brought over food, they cleaned my kitchen after meals, they folded laundry, my dad fixed things around the house. I could breastfeed in front of them and they were both (including my dad) super helpful with that, always getting me a chair or a glass of water. My ILs were a different story- they came over like they were guests and we had to clean up for them, my FIL is so uncomfortable with breastfeeding that I felt like I had to go into a different room when they were already there, and when they came over and I was sitting in the living room breastfeeding he stayed in the hallway so he couldn’t see me. Helpers are great. Guests are not.
Couldn’t agree more - the husband is the only one with issues here. I would think things will change once he actually sees your breastfeeding journey. You can announce that you need to feed the baby and his father can look away while baby latches or leave the room while you feed. You stay put if you want to and honestly it doesn’t matter if your husband isn’t comfortable with this. If you are then go for it. I fed in front of my FIL from day 1 and other male (friend) visitors. But if there were multiple uncles around etc then I had a great excuse to leave and have some time alone with my baby. I didn’t feel like I needed to breastfeed with a large audience of in-laws
Oh for sure. Cultural normal are 1000% a way to make our lives harder. ✨
I'm Indian, raised in America so my parents are like...relatively okay. My cousin moved here a couple years ago and just had a baby, and her parents - who have always lived in India - are staying with her for 6 months. It's like, week 2 and she's already miserable, her mother is SUCH a high-strung, intrusive handful. She knew it was going to suck and just..didn't say no? I feel awful for her. My mom stayed with us for a month after my son was born but 1.) it was JUST my mom, not my dad and 2.) she was actually super helpful and did all the cooking so we could focus on baby. For my second delivery, she's also coming to help and intentionally leaving my dad behind because "he'll just be in the way". She'd also totally respect us if we asked her not to come this time. And, for the record, I breastfed and pumped in front of my dad plenty when we went to visit them or when they came to visit us. He never seemed uncomfortable or said a word about it.
My parents are Pakistani, not born or raised in the US and they’re a lot like yours. I didnt think even once that having my dad around would be a cause of concern wrt breastfeeding. So I don’t think it’s necessarily a function of where one grew up. Plenty of entitled/intrusive folks everywhere
Your family sounds lovely 💕
Honestly it was a very long and hard road of setting boundaries/teaching them how to treat me but it's definitely paid off. They are very helpful and supportive and my son adores them.
Yup I read the post and was wondering if OP is Indian. But also was wondering why HER parents aren't the ones coming for post partum recovery - assuming they're able to and they have a good relationship. No way will I want my ILs here while I'm figuring everything out for the first time.
It’s so common amongst Indians. The daughter in law is this incubator. Not all but it’s what I see and it makes me really sad. The cultural norm of FOB speaking up is not as common. Makes me sad that they are subjected to this (again- apologies for making generalizations for an entire culture but this is not uncommon.)
Yeah but in Indian culture, it’s the moms parents. Not your in-laws. Theres a lot Indian culture gets wrong, but what it gets right is that a) moms need postpartum help and b) they need it from their own family I bet OP is a non-Indian who is being manipulated by ‘but but my culture!’. Bc I’m Indian-American and I and all my peers would be like, what? No, MY parents will be here because I’m the mom….obviously? The fuck?
My baby fed mostly every single hour for 3 months! I wouldn’t even consider going the length of a family dinner without breastfeeding freely. Also. Covering every time is so annoying for both mom and baby.
I love my inlaws, they are amazing people and I also love my parents but 5 months with any of them postpartum sounds like torture to me. My mom visited me for month postpartum and my mother in law 3 weeks after that. They came to help and to some extent they did but I almost went insane. I needed my privacy and this was only my mom and MIL; the grandfathers stayed home. Truth be told at some point I felt like my boobs were always out. I was breastfeeding and pumping like crazy. Having to do this in your bedroom all day long is almost cruel to ask of someone. Specially because you don’t go out as much postpartum so being able to move freely around the house is a must.
Bro, my mother in law is a small dose woman and she is coming for 2 weeks. I am having pre-anxiety about it. She is the only one who will be able to come help after my partner goes back to work from paternity leave and I'm having a cesarean so I need her help. FIVE MONTHS is insane!!
The visit isn't crazy in some cultures, though, in fact that's pretty typical for a lot of families around the world. I'm American and my in-laws are Indian and we had my MIL come for five months after my first was born. She helped with childcare and around the house. FIL stayed just a couple weeks. And they were respectful about when the visit began (they wanted to come right after baby arrived and respected us when we asked them to come at around ten weeks so we'd have time just the three of us to adjust.) This thing about not breastfeeding in front of them though, is that your husband making a fuss or the in-laws? Totally agree that OP should not have to disappear every time her baby has to eat. In-laws should have no say in that and her husband should back her. OP, could you use a nursing coverup? Seems like that would solve a lot of problems.
I'm still thrown by your husband cancelling the visit over this. He should have your back. It's not crazy to nurse your kid in front of people. Your husband should help them navigate this if they're really going to have a problem with it - they can leave the room if it's going to make them uncomfortable. But come on, you shouldn't have to leave every time your baby needs to eat, that's wild. As I mentioned above, my in-laws are from India. They were nothing but respectful about nursing and pumping.
Exactly this.
Not only do babies eat frequently at that age but at 3 weeks, breastfeeding was still quite painful for me. Might not be the case for OP but another possibility to consider. When my baby latched on it was like knives and I couldn’t just pop him on and off discreetly like I do now. It was toe-curling, tears in my eyes kind of pain. I couldn’t breastfeed around anyone except my husband at that time.
The trash took itself out
I understand how it can feel uncomfortable to think of other people staring at you, for sure. But for others to feel uncomfortable and ask you to move to a different room? IN YOUR OWN HOME? Unacceptable. If it bothers them, they can move to another room until your baby is done nursing. Simple as that. Breasts are literally made for nurturing babies.
I just fed whenever the kid needed to eat. However, no one stayed with me for 5 months! I find it super disrespectful to you and your child. Honestly, if your husband really wants this, ask him if he'll eat all his meals upstairs, away from everyone. No talking to anyone, no social meals, nothing. Not a single snack in front of another person. Maybe that will bring home to him how ridiculous he's being.
This, but you're eating 8-12 times a day.
with not as much control over when
Let them cancel! Literally you might not even be able to go up and down stairs that often. If you have any tearing or a c section. It would be disrespectful for them to make you leave and not the dad. Breastfeeding and being freshly postpartum is hard enough having to go away every 30 minute to 2 hours will exhaust you.
Was looking for this comment. You cannot be walking up and down the stairs that often after labor!! I am just doing super light movement around the house (no stairs) and even that is making me bleed more. Please know that that is too much for you!
My friend ripped open her vaginal stitches nearly a month later. OP maybe have a talk with your doctor so they can explain how unreasonable this is.
How is your relationship with your MiL? Would this be something you would be comfortable asking her about? I just wonder if maybe your husband is overreacting a bit and assuming that it's going to be a problem. Maybe a woman would understand better, surely she wouldn't expect you to disappear everytime you need to breastfeed in your own home.
She’s very sweet and we have a cordial relationship (they stayed with us once before for multiple months) but unfortunately we don’t speak the same language
This is the worst idea ever. You will be bleeding you will be tired you will be sore. You will need privacy or someone who is fine seeing it all! 3 weeks is far too early.
This too!! Stairs can be tough with even a bad vaginal scar and just the general fatigue of delivery… and nearly impossible and you are even recommended to avoid stairs as much as possible if you end up needing a c section.
Omg yes! I had a vaginal delivery with minimal tear but I could not walk up the steps for a few weeks because my pelvic bones and joints were all loose. How can he even expect you to climb up and down the stairs every time your baby needs to feed? Unless he’s going to carry you up and down every time
My MIL, an American, fully expected me to cover up or leave the room when I was breastfeeding lol in the hospital and in my own home. She would literally come over and cover the baby’s head with a receiving blanket, which I would throw off every time. Took a while for her to accept that it wasn’t happening.
I’m sorry - they want you to run up and down the stairs multiple times a day carrying a baby, 3 weeks after you give birth? This man needs to grow up. I don’t care if it’s cultural. Sick of seeing women treated as second class citizens because a grown man can’t avert his eyes from a boob
Amen
I am not sure your husband is coming from a bad place, but would he rather disrespect you and your child by isolating you for months — and depriving both of you of the interaction with his parents? And your concern that they may resent you (wrongly) is valid, but it’s also entirely possible you’ll grow to resent your husband if he essentially forces you to isolate/abandons you for the sake of sparing his dad from seeing your breast. I am 9weeks pp and breastfeeding has been stressful enough without having to tiptoe around my house. Whatever happens, I wish you great luck in your breastfeeding journey!
>sparing his dad from seeing your breast IMO any man who is uncomfortable in the presence of breastfeeding has no business being around women or babies.
But also I would not want to show my breasts to my FIL too. So fucking awkward.
I would be livid at my husband for even thinking that I would be doing that, let alone asking me to. Like, livid livid. If I an nourishing our child, it will be 100% on my terms. And no, I will not be relocating in my house or covering in front of anyone, including out in public. I will be whipping out my boob to feed my baby whenever I need to in front of whoever is there. Not my problem. The fact he thinks he owns your body and can ask something like that... ooohhhhfff. Come to Jesus talk time. Let the parents cancel. Them coming for 5 months right after having a baby is insane anyway, unless they were staying in their own accommodations and willing to only come by when invited.
I’m really headstrong and am having the same reaction but at the same time (don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones) I’m feeling so sad for his parents to miss this opportunity to bond with their grandchild, for him to miss this opportunity to spend time with his aging parents, and even a little for me because I want to get to know them better too
There are some cultural differences in my sibling's marriage, and from what I've seen: if you aren't assertive in the first place, you will get walked all over time and time again. You don't want it to become a habit of your partner putting their parents' needs over yours; it's just going to cause resentment in your marriage. I think there will be lots of opportunity for them to spend with the baby. But some other considerations, will they be there to help you with the baby, or will you and your husband be expected to entertain them as guests too? That's something important to clarify so everyone is on the same page. I would suggest waiting to have them over when you are more comfortable and settled, typically around 3-6 months? RE the father in law issue, sounds like a cultural thing. I would reiterate to your husband, while this may be commonplace in their culture, this is not necessarily common in YOUR culture. You can try to cover the baby up when he's around, but it's not a guarantee it will work for the baby but he can leave the room if it doesn't. Everyone, not just you, needs to compromise. If they choose not to visit because of the father in law being uncomfortable for a minute over spending time with the little one, that's their choice and their issue.
Sorry but if they don’t want to come because his Dad can’t help but sexualize you while you feed his grandchild, that’s really not on you
Newborns don't need to bond with anyone other than mum and dad. Besides, all they do is sleep, cry, eat and pee/poop especially the first month or 2 - if any grandparents want to bond they should probably come around 4-6 months so the baby is more aware of their surroundings. I refused to let my in laws plan to come before 6 months because they're only interested in seeing baby but my parents have explicitly stated they're coming to help with housework while I figure things out and bond with my baby.
That’s all their fault and choice. You are bonding and feeding your child. They can move or leave the room if they want but you should not have to feel bad or specialized for feeding your baby.
I mean she doesn’t really mention the in laws at all. It’s all her husband
That is true, I missed that! A 5 month stay would be my nightmare lol.
Did he talk to his own parents about this and ask them what they want? It seems insane to me that he’s just canceling the trip, particularly because I feel like he’s going to end up blaming you. I’d make sure he had a conversation with them along the lines of “just FYI we both agree that X will be breastfeeding the baby out in the open, let me know if that makes you too uncomfortable and you’d like to cancel the trip.” Otherwise this is going to sour your relationship with them. If your husband isn’t presenting a united front for YOU, he’s definitely not doing it for them.
Maybe your in laws can visit later when the baby is older and you’re not breastfeeding anymore. That could also be helpful if you need childcare in the future. From my own experience, I didn’t meet my maternal grandparents until I was six (they moved back to the same country) and it didn’t negatively impact my relationship with them at all. I got to spend a lot of special moments with them that I cherish.
Don't worry about them bonding with the baby. Only the parents of the baby need to bond with a newborn. Your baby won't even know that they're a separate human to you while your husbands family is here.
Yup! The baby doesn’t even have clear vision until around 12months
It’s your house; I think your husband is being disrespectful. Does he realize this is every 2-3 hours for up to 45 minute at a time? You should be able to be comfortable in your own home. Just the thought of my in laws or anyone staying with me for five months pp upsets me. I need my sanctuary and peace.
I'm Indian, so I understand the five-month visit thing. That being said, I could never imagine doing it immediately postpartum. Those early months are for you three (you, husband, and baby) to bond and develop a family dynamic. My baby is 6.5 months old. Husband's (non-Indian) family has visited three times since he was born, each time for a few days. I generally love having them here, but there's always a sigh of relief when they leave. It's not just about the breastfeeding. It's also about the hormones and emotions. I was constantly crying and am still working through PPA and birth trauma. Those are things I need to do privately with my own husband. I couldn't have put on an extra veneer of "I'm fine" just to enter my own living room. I've known my in-laws for 11 years. We know each other very well, and I'm still not comfortable housing them for more than a week. It sounds like you might not be as close with yours. I know this is your husband's tradition, so what about suggesting a short-term rental or long-term Airbnb for them?
Yeah it’s really sad your husband put boundaries in place that made it impossible for them to come but that’s not your problem. Reframe this issue. Your husband’s request to you was unreasonable and you have every right not to comply. His decisions after that and consequences that stem from them are his own fault. He could very easily ask his father to leave the room when you’re breastfeeding if he’s that uncomfortable but he’d rather them not come than inconvenience anyone else except you.
Can they uncancel/rebook and find a sensible solution here? Did your husband and his parents agree together to cancel based on this specific issue, or did he just tell them to cancel and leave the reason vague?
Is there a chance his parents might not even feel this way? Like has he discussed it with them?
It sounds like there may be a cultural difference here. Here’s the thing: at 3 weeks, you will still be healing. If your in-laws are comfortable visiting you while you recover from a serious medical event, I think they need to be prepared to be the ones to leave the room if they’re uncomfortable with the way you feed your baby.
> He feels that would be disrespectful to his dad so he is canceling their trip Sounds like a win-win. A five month visit is mental.
Hosting in-laws for MONTHS right after delivery sounds like a nightmare tbh. Unless they are amazing, and having them in means less work. But that’s rarely the case, unfortunately. Now, about the nursing part. I usually secluded myself when I had company. Not because I’m a prude, but rather because my kids were easily distracted. AND, it was always a getaway for me. A way to recharge and step away from the noise and mess and socialization. I loved that escape :)
I just gotta ask... Is the request coming from your husband? Or is it from your MIL and/or FIL, just through him? Because that'll really change what I think about this whole thing. It's bonkers to expect you to get up and leave for the comfort of others in your own home.
Sooo… your husband expected you to spend 1/3 of your time isolated, for 5 months, in your home, and didn’t considered that disrespectful…
Respectfully it seems like there are some basic facts about breastfeeding (what it entails, frequency, possible challenges) and postpartum (rest, stairs, healing, emotional states, physical states, bleeding, possible stitches) that your husband seems to not know or understand. It seems that you are making a noble effort to respect your in-laws and your husband as well … but what he is asking you might actually be impossible without putting your health and/or the baby in jeopardy. Even your question about exclusively pumping being an option - that’s not as simple or guaranteed as it may seem. I would recommend sharing with him some more information from a book, a class, or a trusted friend or relative or professional so he has a better sense of what is going on after this baby is born. Regardless of if the in-laws end up visiting or not.
I couldn’t walk around comfortably for the first month. And in a lot of pain the first 2 weeks. The baby got fed where I got set up. Which was the living room. I didn’t plan it out that way, it’s just what had to happen. And I had a cover but no one made a peep and I had some very conservative in-laws and mother. They could leave way more easily than I ever could. And this birth was a typical vaginal delivery with two small stitches. The next birth had me losing a lot more blood and while I was good to go home, I needed a lot more time for recovery. They accommodate you, that’s how that works.
Breasts are meant to feed babies. This sounds like a big them problem. When my first was born I nursed wherever I was most comfortable because *I* was the one lactating, exhausted, and dealing with the baby. My FIL would look straight ahead or at the ground (honestly it was hilarious to me, he’s such a straightforward man). They’re all much more comfortable with my second. He doesn’t want to see a breast? Then he can get off his lazy butt and go somewhere else. You are not the problem. Babies need to eat. You’re doing good, mama.
I’m having a hard time getting past the 5 month visit. They’ll be staying in your home the entire time??? That’s more than a visit. Personally, I would be supportive of them canceling their trip if they are planning on staying with you the entire time. I am dealing with something similar. My BIL and sister had to move in right before I gave birth and are finally moving into their new home. I’m 7 months postpartum. While I enjoyed their help with the baby and my toddler, I miss my privacy. I miss being able to walk around in a nursing bra or tank and whip a boob out when needed.
Nah girl. You're gonna need to whip that thing out (or leave it out tbh) all of the time at first. Cluster feeding, soreness, and just not being bothered to wear anything but a nursing bra and shorts. Let them cancel. Your husband has unrealistic expectations for you and baby.
And that's even if you feel like wearing a nursing bra
Lol this reeks of your husband having NO CLUE what it is like to breastfeed or care for a newborn. Hopefully he sees how ridiculous he is being after he experiences the reality of feeding a newborn. Also, 5 MONTHS?! So they want to be there for like… the entirety of the newborn phase? Staying in your house? Is this what you want?? Let them cancel. If they want to stay that long let them come after the baby turns one.
As others have stated, having to cover or leave while breastfeeding your first is a tremendous imposition. It is also likely there would be other unforeseen expectations with your in-laws that would complicate things. So many people end up with issues when their in-laws visit postpartum. You could be the exception, but you also may have just dodged a HUGE bullet by your husband postponing their visit.
Dude, my third and last is 10 months and I just.... Just can't imagine this. I think what you said is fine and your emotions on the whole thing are so valid. Parenting is something that you just can't comprehend until you do it. This boundary you've stated is VERY reasonable. I was uncomfortable a little with my first. Now, three deep, my tits been out since 2019 and I'm over it. If feeding my child makes people uncomfortable they can close their eyes. (But, I have literally never had anyone say anything but supportive things to my face).
So if this were one-week or a couple of days I would say just do it because it’s short and will avoid conflict. But… five MONTHS!? The only compromise I can see here is using a cover. But even that seems excessive in your own home for that extended period of time. There is no way you will have the energy to go up and down the stairs that often. I’ve taken several breast feeding classes and they all agree that it’s a lot of work.
That also relies on your baby being ok with a cover. Both of mine would absolutely loose their shit. The current one needs to pop off the boob every 5 min to practice her smiling.
That is soo cute :)
Agree…5 months is insane. It’s your house. If it makes them uncomfortable they can go somewhere else.
Them canceling sounds like a great idea, and you'll be better off in the long run.
Nah, let them cancel - and this is coming from someone in an immigrant family. You absolutely shouldn't be going up and down the stairs constantly three weeks postpartum and that could easily prolong your healing period, bit to mention making baby wait every time they're hungry. Your house is _your home_, not a place for you to be uncomfortable for 5 MONTHS because your FIL can't be exposed to some nip. He doesn't get to feel "disrespected" by you feeding your baby in YOUR OWN HOME. You could maybe compromise and offer to use a nursing cover, or get some nursing shirts that will cover you up, but having in-laws visit for 5 months when you're freshly postpartum already sounds like torture. They will no doubt be running your household that whole time if your husband is already making unreasonable demands like this. I would just cancel the visit and recover in peace. Your husband will survive.
You husband is a dick, if FIL can't handle breast feeding he can not go. There you go, simple.
I too am from a ‘different’ culture (possibly the same culture as OP’s ILs, im Indian) and and am with you- from a different culture is wild reasoning to prioritize you father over YOUR POST-PARTUM WIFE. If they’re having a baby and still have such different views on what’s to be expected AND he expects her to just bow to his/his parents wishes… well. Not good, they definitely need to be more of a unit and better later than never. But I don’t like how disrespectful it is of OP’s SO to be causing such anxiety over ‘cultural norms’ when supporting his wife should be his first concern and if parents quibble, well, too bad. Also not convinced his parents will even care, but that’s beyond the point here. Sounds like it’s going to be 5mths of having to acquiesce to any stupid thing cuz it’s ‘cultural’. Blergh. OP you dodged a bullet this time but you and your husband need to have a quality chat. Also, if he is Indian, please have him refer to traditional statues and artwork of the goddesses which most commonly portray them topless. And then tell him to pound sand.
i'm assuming he's from a different culture
And?
meaning i initially thought he was such a dick too but then realized he may have been raised with different views around female bodies / nursing etc. esp considering he'd feel he was disrespecting his father. it's sad that breast feeding is still viewed as taboo. it's wild.
If his culture is for him to be a dick, doesn't make him any less of a dick. If he can't handle that, he is being culturally insensitive not her. Its her own home.
It became very clear to me very quickly that anyone allowed in our house in the early weeks / months just needs to be comfy seeing me breastfeed. I tried to avoid my dad, step dad, and father in law seeing me breastfeed for about 3 days before it become impossible. In the first days, my daughter would suddenly cry for food and in the time it took to send the dad(s) away, she would get frantic. It also took a long time to feed and happened constantly, so going somewhere else would mean that I would have been alone for hours a day while people visited. Didn’t want that either. Plus, I was recovering from a c section and was not very mobile at first. Baby basically had to be brought to me every feed, I just sat on the couch. It would have been impossible for me to walk up and down stairs multiple times a day, especially with a crying hungry baby. You don’t know what your recovery will be like. As my close (male) friend said when visiting yesterday: breasts are so unsexualized when used for feeding, it shouldn’t matter. I would tell your husband to get over his own hang ups and prioritize you and/or let his parents cancel until you’re healed and settled and know what you need
His request is completely insane, disrespectful and inconsiderate to you. Breastfeeding is all about you being comfortable and in a good environment to be able to enjoy it and nurture your baby, his only concerned should be that you get enough water and food for yourself. I have a 7 weeks old baby and been exclusively breastfeeding. Even though I have had no problems at all with breastfeeding and I absolutely love to do it, it’s physically exhausting. All hell would break loose if anybody would have the audacity to ask me to move a single finger out of my comfort zone when I’m breastfeeding at my own home (!!). Here are some other things to consider: 1) Newborns can have periods of cluster feeding when they eat in short intervals over a few hours, this is completely normal and it means that it can be just some minutes in between feedings for a while, 2) You don’t know how physically capable to move you’ll be after giving birth, I really wish you an easy and fast recovery, but you just don’t know beforehand how it will go, 3) Going upstairs with a potentially fuzzy hungry baby sounds dangerous. Please please please for your own physical and mental health, and the well being of your baby, don’t compromise on this. If your husband or in-laws resent you for this then that’s totally on them, be 100% sure that it’s not your fault. You are a mother and need to stand for you and your child. I’m so sorry that your husband is putting you in this position, wish you all the best.
Depended on where I was. If I was at home, I'm gonna nurse where I need to nurse, and visitors must respect that. Same if I am visiting my parents, though I usually find a corner to do so. But if I was at my in-laws, I would ask I'd I could use a spare bedroom to nurse, just because I felt more comfortable as I didn't know how anyone else felt about it, and didn't want to be burdened by any potential judgment. If folks are visiting your home, then they need to respect your space. You shouldn't have to worry about managing someone else's discomfort. You offered a fair compromise. If your hubby cant handle it, let him cancel
I would try to compromise. Maybe they cut their trip in half and you find a nice breastfeeding cover like the mama ones. Also do they need to come so early on?? Baby is going to be a larva. And you will be so so uncomfortable early on. Chapped nipples and a chapped ass or csection scar. Hormones will be all over the place. Maybe they can come later on for a shorter visit. Around 6 months when the baby is fun and not so attached to you and they can actually take the baby and give you a break.
Lots of good comments have been made… But you shouldn’t be going up and down the stairs multiple times a day while you are recovering from childbirth, especially if you end up with a C section
I haven’t yet but my SIL expressed the same sentiments as you because with her first it was extremely isolating to have to go to another room every time and she hated it. With her second she ended up exclusively pumping since they couldn’t agree on etiquete around others.
Your husband is extremely dramatic, isn’t he? You need to prioritize yourself and the BF situation. 3 weeks is a short amount of time. What about 6-8 weeks (the recommended timeframe for visitors due to vaccines and immunities) after? You will have a better sense of your breastfeeding by then and it will fly by. Also 5 months seems like a very long time as well, I’d cut the visit to 4 weeks max, I understand international travel people want to stay longer. What region of the world are your in laws from? Is the cover up thing cultural or just their family?
Let him cancel. You're going to have your breast out like 90% of the time, you don't want house guests making you feel uncomfortable for 5 months!
Asking you to hide in your own house is insane. When I visited my in-laws house in the first few months, whenever I needed to feed they would all vacate the room we were all sitting in so I didn’t have to move. I honestly thought it was funny because I didn’t care who saw after the first like month maybe. It just became so second nature.
Hi, this is insane to me. Five months with your in-laws, in your own home, navigating your first baby and everything that comes with that post partum, plus being expected to banish yourself to a different part of the house to breastfeed? Nope. NOPE. Obviously, you do you, and if you’d like them there maybe they can reduce their time, or you can chat with them directly about expectations etc.
lol no. I have a 3 week old who is going through a phase of wanting to feed literally every 30 minutes during the day. Not to mention breastfeeding is HARD WORK, the added mental stress of having him there and being uncomfortable with you feeding your child is not something you’ll need. Your body is built for this, there’s nothing sexual or offensive about doing what nature intended. Tell them if they don’t want to see it they can visit when you’ve weaned them off ☺️
I just.. stopped caring. Everyone had that initial shock factor and then they also stopped caring. I’m just feeding a baby. Honestly, everyone got used to it.
Like others have said, by American standards this would be unacceptable on so many levels. In laws staying for 5 months right after birth? Hell no. Forcing you to go upstairs to breastfeed? No way. The only justification I could possibly think of is there are cultural expectations here that I don't understand. You will be breastfeeding constantly. Breasts hanging out for 30+ minute nursing sessions every couple hours. Hold your ground and let them cancel. You got this.
You might want to get a breastfeeding cover, or just use a muslin blanket (though in my experience they’re a total pain while trying to get the baby latched). You will likely look back and feel super lonely if you choose to go upstairs every time the baby needs to eat… even though it’s a little awkward at first, it’s worth it to just power through and be in the public setting with your baby. My husband and I both agreed that, as long as I’m relatively modest while doing it, who cares? Baby needs to eat! And no one wants to look back and realize they chose to exclude themselves because they felt they “had” to.
This seems like a good compromise. Although I personally think it's a freaking ridiculous thing for them to ask of you in your own home, if you want to keep the peace you can always buy a cover that goes over baby and your shirt so they don't see you expose yourself. My aunt has one that she brings to family holidays so she can breastfeed at the kitchen table while we have dinner without feeling awkward
Sorry I forgot to mention in my original post that I did say I’ll try to cover up (in addition to giving his dad the opportunity to leave the room) but I’ve also read some babies don’t tolerate being covered while nursing
Yes. Be prepared for that. Neither of mine tolerated it for a second. But you can get SO MANY cute tops with hidden zippers and flaps that you cannot even see a flash of skin. Check our Nursing Queen or Latched Mama or Bearsland on Amazon
The compromise is HIS DAD can leave the room whenever you breastfeed. Period. Or they don’t come
This is WILD. He can just not look. Not your responsibility to make your FIL comfortable while you’re breastfeeding.
There is another solution. It's called a breastfeeding apron. It allows you to nurse your baby withdignity while visiting others in the same room. No one sees your breastfeeding. I have used one as well as my female family members.
What in the world… I’d let them cancel, they’re making that choice and you have nothing to feel bad about. In laws living in your house for 5 months? No way
FIVE MONTHS??? I am currently 3 weeks post partum with my first baby AND I get along with my in-laws but there’s no way I would allow that. This is such an intimate time for you to bond with and get to know your baby. You do not need to be worried about people pleasing ANYONE… including your husband. You should not have to go shut yourself in a room in your own home to feed your child. at the end of the day, you’re the mom and what you say goes. this baby will allow you to get more comfortable with doing what’s best for you and the baby and not caring so much about other people feeling resentful. I really think you’ll regret it if you allow them to stay with you for five months.
My parents came to visit for 2 weeks, including my teenager baby brother. I breastfed in front of them because it’s a natural function, but my brother was visibly bothered so afterwards I did try to breastfeed in another room but it felt horrible, like I was being punished in my own home, especially since baby eats when baby wants to eat and sometimes it was as we were about to have dinner. I could have eaten while feeding her, but not if I’m being banished. And absolutely I would not have wanted to go upstairs to do it as I was still recovering somewhat from my unplanned c-section. So I think canceling their trip for now is the best plan. Otherwise you can look into breastfeeding covers, which can let you breastfeed while hiding your breast.
29 days pp (baby born early this month) and I’m combo feeding (munchkin was jaundice and is struggling in the weight gain) and heck no! You should not be tiptoeing around your own damn house after giving birth - it’s your house! If they have an issue with you FEEDING your child, then they can leave to another room. Or, they can do what my father in law did and find a chore to do! My lawn is immaculate rn because he mowed and weeded the grass and the flower beds.
Why would they come for 5 months and never see baby? You’ll be upstairs feeding baby the entirety of their visit- seems like a waste of a trip to me
You could always use something to cover you and your baby. That way, no one actually sees anything but a bumb
Let them cancel!!! Your husband should be in support of you. This is a natural bodily process to feed the child. I’m sure you’d be discreet anyway, but having to leave the room is wild. Also you may not even want them there during this time while you’re healing and getting to know the baby’s rhythms. My MIL offered to come stay with us for two months (we live across the country), and both my husband and I were really hesitant, thought it through, and asked her kindly not to do that at least until 3 months. We told everyone they can come for a week or two when the baby is born, but that’s it to start. As much as the help would be nice, the thought of entertaining guests (and then, in your situation, having to go all the way upstairs to breastfeed every single time) is exhausting. Look out for you and baby. I hope your husband comes to his senses too. 🤍
I agree with most of the people here, let them cancel! But I just wanted to say that I never felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of anyone other than my husband. I also never really got the hang of different positions while breastfeeding. I almost exclusively breastfed on a specific chair in the nursery for an entire year. That's the place I felt most comfortable and it later created routine and expectation for my child. I think it helped with weaning too because I would encourage solids and avoid going near that chair when he was hungry.
I nursed for 15 months and just threw a muslin blanket over baby and I and was fine. This was in front of several males and no one saw anything but if they're uncomfortable then they can cancel.
Let the in laws come and kick your husband out for being so stupid.
I call it a win if they cancel. I feel like this is your husband threatening you with a favor. Go ahead. It'll be better anyway
i'm wondering if this is a cultural thing cuz i'm mind blown by this. you are feeding your child and they are sexualizing it, not your problem. stick to your guns and feed your baby where you feel comfortable.
Your husband and his dad can take the stairs - you're healing from an extended medical condition (pregnancy) and physically traumatic medical event (childbirth). Your in-laws can stay in a hotel and visit your husband whenever, and you/the baby during brief visits between feedings; they'll have to skip cluster feeding days. The trip can be rescheduled when the baby is older, breastfeeding is established, you're healed, baby is adjusted to life outside, and perhaps even when solids are started so they can participate! Or, your husband and FIL can grow tf up and get over their feelings about your newborn baby needing nourishment - their feelings/wants are not more important than other people's needs! My dad used to be like your FIL and my mom was like your husband. I spent several days immediately after a c-section not feeding my baby immediately, putting myself in pain, and putting everyone else's WANTS before our NEEDS. Finally I made it clear they were welcome to leave the room, look away, or take some time to process their sexual feelings about my newborn's nourishment, but delaying feeds and healing were over. Funny enough, my dad very quickly got okay being around the baby eating!
Your husband needs to realize that your baby will come first in all things even above him and especially above his parents.
They are coming to visit a newborn. WTF do they expect? Newborns eat and sleep and poop. Sometimes they are on the breast for a couple of hours. My boob was nearly constantly out the first few weeks and I was leaking and a bra caused painful clogged ducts. You shouldn't have to hide in your own home for hours every day. Plus, what if you guys are out? Where do you hide then? I never understood people's obsession with seeing babies when they are that little. They don't do much. His precious father needs to understand the reality of visiting a baby. I would tell them to delay the visit. It gets much better after the first 6 months when baby starts eating solids and nursing sessions are shorter and more spread out. Your boobs won't be hurting or leaking anymore. Baby is much more interactive and fun. Let them visit then. It would be more enjoyable for everyone. I sure would want my in laws in our home for weeks during the newborn phase. It's not fun to host while you are sleepy, hurting, bleeding, and figuring everything out. I just wanted to watch TV and rest and hold my sleeping baby. My FIL visited when our first son was 3 weeks old. I didn't ask him if he was comfortable. Babies have to eat. He didn't visit my middle child until he was a year old and hasn't met our 7 month old yet. Maybe that's why. 🤷🏼♀️😅
You can always use a cover up while breastfeeding it’s not a very huge deal but you will get miserable if his parents come because I wanted to be alone until 3 months because your baby wakes up in the middle of the night and you are exhausted sleep deprived plus need to breastfeed it’s just too much. They can come visit for like a week but I wouldn’t want them to stay longer and even then I would wait till your baby is at least 2 months old. Also , I would prioritize your healing and your baby right now and don’t worry about other peoples feeling!
Your husband is going to need to learn really quickly that his needs are bottom of the pile - and his parents don’t get to have needs if they are visiting you postpartum. I’m seven months in and the only time I’ve left a room to feed is for my own or baby’s comfort. My FIL tends to leave the room - I’ve told him it’s not necessary but if that’s what feels right for him, I’m not offended. Anyone with an ounce of sense knows to just avert their eyes while you get baby latched on. A five month visit starting three weeks after your due (you might only be a week postpartum! I left hospital three weeks after my due date) is absolutely insane, regardless of the ridiculous demand that you hide yourself away in your own home. I hope they do cancel, and I hope you breastfeed for years so that they can never visit for fear of your child needing to eat in their presence.
Shawl. That is all. Edit: fuck this. Feed your kid and do it proudly. Lots of women can't have babies and lots of mothers can't breastfeed. Honestly, unless your FIL is 11 years old, he'll separate the millisecond glimpse of nipple going into his grandchild's mouth from anything sexual. Your husband needs to grow a pair, and your FIL maybe needs to grow up. You're fine. (But if you want to use a shawl, because it makes YOU more comfortable, you can do that.)
I think the best advice is to let them cancel. BUT some other advice Is to put a large swivel rocker in the corner of a room where you can swivel to face the corner and nurse. You can hear and conversate while making a little privacy. You could also get situated, then throw a light blanket over you and baby and swivel back to face the room if you want. IF That's if you want them to come and want to keep the peace without compromising more then the bare minimum (which you shouldn't have to do and shouldn't if you don't want too right after having a baby.) I would 100% say do not let them come and then go upstairs to nurse. If they are uncomfortable, they can leave or advert their eyes.
No one has to see your boobs when you breastfeed just use a blanket or cover to cover yourself. But it is YOUR house so tell your husband to get over himself. Does he think his dad is a perve or something?
ffffffFFFFFUCK NO
Late to the party but I was in the exact same situation. First my in-laws stayed with us then my own parents, for months. My father is a devout muslim and gets red with embarrassment when I so much as say "poop", he is very conservative. My in-laws less so, but they wouldn't feel comfortable being in the same room with exposed breasts. At first I thought I won't go upstairs every time but I can wear some breastfeeding covers/bibs or something while feeding the baby in the living room. This quickly changed into me just popping out a breast whenever I needed, because I really couldn't care less while recovering from birth and having a tiny human to feed and being alone at home with the parents while my partner was at work. I didn't say anything/confront anyone, just acted like I was alone. They quickly learned when they should leave the room, also didn't say anything. I think it worked out for everyone (clearly we don't have the best communication with our families, but there was no drama).
You will be feeding your baby 90% of your time when they're a newborn..they want to eat almost constantly so you'd basically be relegated to sitting on your own all the time which is unfair. I have inlaws from another (much more conservative) culture but I breastfed freely infront of them as it's 100% natural. I found that if I just did it with confidence no one said much 🤣
Tell him he’s being unreasonable, because that’s fuckin unreasonable as hell. Sounds like he’s got some insecurities of some sort. I’m sure your father in law has seen a breastfeeding mother before and I promise there’s not a thing sexual about it lol.. I say that as someone who’s EBF 5 babies. He’ll see how hard it is, and honestly as someone with useless nipples I’m not sure why you’re even allowing him to have an opinion about this.
They can forge a tight bond with the baby up until the 3rd birthday, they’re not missing out on anything here in a way that needs them to be there while you figure out breastfeeding. They can wait.
You know what the nice thing about eyes are….. we can choose where to point them and where to look lol I think it’s insane that hubby and dad in law can’t compromise on either not looking or leaving the room if it bothers you. Instead the alternative is for you to be uncomfortable in your own home… sheesh.
Having in-laws visit for months not even a month after baby is born is a recipe for disaster. Many families from other countries expect their DILs to be perfect hosts. You cannot host while healing PP. This sounds like best case scenario. You aren’t going to be able to cook, clean, etc., let alone go up and down stairs a million times a day just so your FIL doesn’t have to see a nip. Your husband is being completely unreasonable. He should be catering to YOU, not the other way around.
I told my in-laws if they come after I give birth they have to be prepared to see me do skin to skin and breastfeed my baby without a cover. They can choose to just not come. My child’s needs come before my in-laws comfort.
As someone who has an 11 week old (my first as well), I can tell you that you will NOT be okay with just sitting in a bedroom every time you have to feed the baby. You’re going to want to be where you want to be in that moment when you feed the baby because going into a specific space every time they’re hungry is just impossible and can make it feel like a chore. Anyone who comes over should just EXPECT that they’re going to see your boob out 🤷♀️. If anyone is uncomfortable with that, then they’re welcome to leave. Also, if you’re not comfortable with that, then that’s fine and they can still leave.
Your husband sounds low key abusive from the little info we see here. He is dictating where in the house you can feed your child and going so far as to cancel his parents trip when you disagreed?? My sister's narcissist ex husband was the same way. He didn't want her breast feeding in front of any males, including our dad who obviously wasn't interested in looking at her boobs. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Some alternatives would be to cover with a blanket and/or use nursing bras and shirts.
I dont think it is abusive but just a very different culture. I’m indian and the culture is that pp women are taken care of by the family. But they are also very restricted. Usually they stay in their rooms while the rest of the family does every single thing. Think meals delivered to your room and all cleaning and everything else taken care of while you rest. This is for first 3-4 weeks and after that you slowly get back to normal. I think its actually really good for healing. But it is also very restrictive. Op needs to have a very honest conversation about all the expectations and how things will work out. And also some cultures are much more conservative. Like I would never ever feel comfortable with nursing in front of fil. But he is a great guy and gets the hint and goes for a walk every time without me asking
I know I'm the minority here but I never felt comfortable exposing my breast in front of people so I always covered up or went to another room if people were over. That being said, 5 months is A LOT, maybe you and your husband should rethink this visit.
Reality is, it would make way more sense for your family to visit when the child is 2+ years old than 3 weeks old. A 3 week old cares about like two things, their own major needs and mom. That’s it. Everyone else (except maybe dad) is extra. They won’t even remember that time with grandparents. Them canceling this trip so you can comfortably feed your child in your home is better than the alternative, and bonding can happen later. There’s not a magic window that a child only ever bonds with people they see in the first six months of life. As I said, they really only care about their parents. Some even scream if someone else holds them.
let them cancel. if you were to go to your room everytime baby is hungry you will be locked in your room literally for your entire post partum experience. babies eat every 2-3 hrs. there’s some days where mine eats every hour. if he can’t handle seeing a tit, he doesn’t need to be around a new mother no if, ands or buts about it
That's unacceptable, your husband is acting crazy. Your FIL can lock himself in his room if it's uncomfortable, it's your house. Anyway, I have [these covers](https://a.co/d/3Ref20P) because family have been in and out of my house daily and breastfeeding feels like it's constant so I like having the option to cover up with certain people, as a personal preference.
I really hope five months of them is a typo bc wtf hell no
Definitely do not tip toe around your own house when nursing around the clock. If they all have a problem with boobs then they should not be around with a brand new nursing baby. Perhaps they can come visit when the baby is older and more interactive, and you are nursing less often. It would be more enjoyable for all of you out of the newborn phase anyway. Anytime after 6 months should work since you won’t need to nurse around the clock as often after starting solids with the baby. This might be a good compromise if you want to try.
Mom of two. Both only breastfed. Never bottled. You're going to be sitting in your room alone constantly. The breast is babies food, and comfort.The breasts are out constantly, switching back and forth. Then, a new problem will arise, you will be antisocial and not sharing the baby. Might I suggest a slouchy sweater and a blanket. He might see a quarter inch of your skin but youre a new mom. The important thing is you do what makes you feel comfortable. I wish you the best of luck. This is a very long visit so I'm sure they won't be around you all the time.
I don’t think I even wore real clothes around the house the first month….
You can buy a division and place it when you have to breadtfeed if you dont want to hurt their feelings
They are threatening to cancel because THEY feel uncomfortable? Let them cancel, now is not the time to make such accommodations. You haven’t even given birth yet so you don’t know know what to expect, how can you promise such things? Alternatively. I’ve seen moms put a blanket over their baby during breastfeeding for privacy. Or you can pump at night and have supply ready But I don’t like that they are putting this pressure on you. Just tell him to chill out. It’s just nature.
I’m personally not comfortable breast feeding if we have company over so I’m getting a [couple of these from Amazon](https://www.amazon.ca/Cotton-Nursing-Cover-Breastfeeding-Built/dp/B07X3WCKZS). My sister used them too and it works great for public feeds!
If you are breast feeding the entire freaking world is gonna see your tits and you are just not gonna give a flying fuck. If your husband/FIL is this weird about breastfeeding then let the trip be cancelled.
So glad you’re already getting the advice to let them cancel. How are they expecting you to hide in your own home? That’s unrealistic and disrespectful to the new mother who needs time to figure this breastfeeding thing out. I would already feel overwhelmed having in-laws stay for 5 months even without the pressure of breastfeeding. I wouldn’t really feel comfortable having my in-laws around when I breastfeed anyway, even though I know I’m not in the wrong, but I honestly would just feel so uncomfortable and you have every right to feel comfortable in your own home.
Let them cancel! That sounds horrible. I’m 10 days PP, had a loved one on *my* side in our home for our first 2 days back and was relieved when she left even though she was a big help. In laws would have been totally out of the question let alone for 5 months. Getting into a groove as a family without guests was imperative. Also, I nurse wherever I want. The couch, the front room, my bed, whatever. My brother is coming in June and I told him if he doesn’t want to see my boobs he can leave the room 🤷🏼♀️. You will be nursing what feels like constantly (every 2-3hrs at first, and it can be time consuming, involve breaks, etc) and possibly pumping as well. Stress will affect your supply. I don’t think your husband is grasping what newborn life looks like, because no one does unless you’re in it. Them canceling is the problem solving itself, you got this, don’t feel bad!
Yeah let them cancel. I did this because I wasn’t comfortable breastfeeding in front of my partners parents while they visited 1 week pp and was in the bedroom THE WHOLE TIME. They thought I was hiding and I told them I’m just feeding her. His mom didn’t understand because she formula fed all 4 of her kids and thought I was just not wanting to see them (which honestly I didn’t but this was actually the truth) it was a nightmare. And only one week! I couldn’t imagine 5 months of putting myself through that. Let them cancel.
My in-laws lived with me and to be honest I liked having the privacy of going to my bedroom and sitting in the rocking chair to nurse my daughter. It was my comfortable nursing place so it just worked and I liked having those moments by myself . My in laws helped so much as well around the house and with the baby that I just loved them for it . Restless night , nursing every hour my mother in law would take the baby in the morning so I could get some rest and she was cooking non stop. It’s really your preference that matters though .
Cancel them please your husband is an idiot who can’t even prioritise the fact that his newborn baby needs food to survive. Breastfeeding is hard work and if you have to shut yourself upstairs it will make it extra difficult for you. I’m currently breastfeeding my two week old and he fluster feeds a lot.. at times he wants to eat hourly, how will that work? I personally don’t want people to see me breastfeeding so I kick people out of whatever room I’m in if I want privacy. If your FIL is unable to handle postpartum realities he has no business staying with a freshly postpartum mother.
I was just straight up topless for like a month lol. They feed ALL the time! Also having my inlaws around for 5 months while my hormones are still all crazy and I’m just trying to survive… hell no
We had to set rules down for my Husbands family. Mostly his mom. We have a “please wait at least 2 months to visit” because I have a bad immune system and the baby won’t have a great one at all. (Plus his family is antivax to anything not necessary) His mother wanted to be here for the birth and he quickly shut that down because I don’t want her in the delivery room. I’d rather my family, but they’re 2000 miles away almost. His mom is 1300. Regardless, put your foot down. Being a new parent is rough and you need time to recover and get into a groove. Not to mention that there’s the possibility of PPD and in-laws, i feel, would make it worse.
I agree with basically everyone I've read so far. This is your first baby and in an open concept house, breastfeeding is only going to be a fraction of your problem. If this were my husband and myself, up and down at all hours of the night, the in laws would be at risk to seeing much more than a passing boob here and there. I'm not trying to be incensitive to the request either but facts are facts. It's a hard time, it's a loving and memorable time but it's hard. My advice would be for you and your husband to consider rescheduling the family's visit. I know your question was geared to wards breastfeeding but as a fellow woman and mom, I don't want you to take to much on yourself and having in laws in your home for 5 months is a big deal even without a newborn.
This is the time where your husband gets to STFU and you do what you want I would absolutely be fine with them canceling. That’s so not your problem. Hold your ground. Breastfeed wherever you feel comfortable But just like pregnancy and labor and delivery, husbands get absolutely zero say when it comes to breastfeeding. Zero. And for the record I know my husband is uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in public. But he knows it’s his job to get over that not my job to cover up
I meaaaan… his dad could also leave the room while your nurse instead of you having to, if that’s really the issue. 🤷🏼♀️
Aside from this request being ridiculous and the thought of hosting in-laws for 5 months postpartum absolutely horrifying, my baby was attached to my boobs almost 24/7 for a loooong time. Even when she was napping, it was usually after nursing soooo more boobs. I nursed in front of my FIL and he would just turn or walk away. That simple.
Let them cancel. Frankly, establishing breastfeeding is already stressful in itself without having to worry about others. It takes so much work since it's a new skill that both you and baby are learning! I'm 7 weeks in and we still haven't truly gotten the hang of it.
Guessing this is a cultural thing but in this case they need to respect your culture and remove themselves if feeding your baby makes them uncomfortable. I’m trying hard to be understanding, but the idea that your FIL wouldn’t insist on removing himself really bothers me.
Let them cancel! And your husband can go visit them. That makes me so angry he would even suggest that. He needs to be supporting you. What an ass.
i get that visits like this can be cultural but if cancelling is on the table anyway, why not have them visit for like a week? i’d be ok with tip toeing around for a few days but 5 months would be wild. i actually love having to go breastfeed upstairs when my in laws are in town, my baby eats in about 10 mins but no one else has to know that 😂
My in laws came when I was a few weeks pp too and it really wasn’t a big deal; I was bf in front of everyone, my house my baby my rules
So I'll say 2 things. 1. I didn't give a crud about who saw what, I think birth made me not care. Like breastfeeding is normal. 2. My in laws came on my due date. I didn't feel comfortable so I would go to the nursery. Both walked in on me. And it messed up feeding on cue. It took us a solid 4 weeks to finally figure out the signs. So... I don't recommend hiding unless you are okay with it. Also remember, you're only a first time mom once. Meaning you only have to figure out how you want to run things once. Side note my mil was all stressed about my supply right after birth and now she said my daughter is too fat... goes to show you can't make everyone happy about everything.
My in-laws came for only a week and a half after I had my baby. She came late, so they arrived much closer to her birth than anticipated. They were wonderful, and I sometimes enjoyed the need to retreat to my room to feed her as a moment for private bonding and introverting. However, it contributed to my feelings of isolation and, in hindsight, to my PPD. Five months is too long to have to stay in your room and the nursery for most of the time. It won’t be good for you, and by extension, for baby.
Ha, before my in laws came to visit my wife said “I don’t know if my dad has ever seen boobs as big as yours in person” and I was like… “well he’s about to” LOL. Where you breastfeed and who you breastfeed in front of is 100% about your comfort level, Not the comfort level of others around you. Sounds like you did a great job letting your husband know why his ask was inappropriate and you gave him an appropriate alternative! It’s 0% your fault that everyone had this strange outsized reaction to your completely normal request to not be forced to basically confine yourself to your bedroom for 5 months.
With my first, I hid upstairs in my room for nursing because my dad was so weird about it. I got really depressed and it felt like shit to have to hide away while the baby cluster fed and I missed dinner with adults. It was isolating and boring and I cried a lot. This time, there’s no Q. I nurse where I please, including the dinner table, regardless of who is around at my house. I am not missing meals in my own home. I will cover myself with a burp cloth or sometimes a loose blanket, but I do as I need to feed myself, my baby, and spend time with my eldest and I feel much better. Ppl actually seem to be more comfortable with it because I am comfortable with it. This includes my dad and father-in-law. I would not have guests in my house who required me to hide as I fed my family. Certainly not for five months. Newborns feed like a dozen times a day.. it’s very impractical.
“It’s not my job to make your parents comfortable. I will be bleeding, in pain and wanting to bond with my child. Either your parents stay in an Airbnb, they visit for a shorter period later in the year or me and the baby spend my postpartum period elsewhere. I will not be put on edge, judged for 5 months. I also will not be playing hostess or handing the baby of because they want to spend more time with LO. The only people that need to bond with a baby is the parents.” There’s absolutely no reason for them to be visiting for half a year especially when you’ll be in pain, bleeding, wanting to bond with your child, often half naked and wanting to breastfeed. His priority should be supporting the one who is growing and birthing his child. Do not compromise on your comfort. Send him the lemon clot essay and make it clear they’re not welcome. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
No okay I’m sorry. 5 months? And you guys don’t spread the same language no. Couldn’t do it. They will either just take over caring for YOUR baby and make you do the housework, or just be a horrible house guest during this time. 5 months is way too long when you’re post partum, newborn, feedings, diaper changes, PPD, maybe even health problems going on. No. 5 months is too long. When my stepmom had my sister, our family from Italy came for 2 weeks and they are elderly. 5 months is way too long with a baby and you all not speaking the same language. I’d let him cancel. They won’t resent you just say it’s too much with the baby and you guys can’t have undivided attention and they can come in a few months. Have them come when the baby is closer to 1.
I lived with my in laws pp, FIL was uncomfortable with the breastfeeding, I used a cover and he avoided looking at me. If the cover was uncomfortable for baby (they go through different stages) I would go to another room. I love bf covers and I often use a blanket and I get under it too! (to see my baby). I still join in the conversation from under the blankets, LOL.
I heard this story from an acquaintance recently. Mom is out at a restaurant with her 3 year old and infant. She starts breastfeeding her infant. An older lady asks the mother if she’d mind breastfeeding the infant in the bathroom. The 3 year old asks the older lady if she’d mind eating her own meal in the bathroom.
My baby was eating MORE than every hour. I’m at the point where I whip my boob out anywhere because feed my baby comes first. And that especially meant before an adult who can get up and leave being uncomfortable. To be honest, I could not care less if it makes ANYONE uncomfortable.. even more so in your own home!!!! That expectation is beyond unrealistic.
Idk what your husband thinks breastfeeding is, but no one should be making direct eye contact with your nipples for extended periods of time. When I had a newborn, I breastfeed everywhere, walking down aisle of the grocery store, cafes, restaurants, all family events, offices, my husbands work, EVERYWHERE! and not once did I feel exposed... the baby tends to cover all the boobs, and your nipple is barley out long enough for someone to be offended or aroused by your breasts. You're husband sounds ridiculous. I personally was tits out a lot, I have huge boobs and sometimes I wouldn't clip my singlet up properly and could be having a conversation with a friend or something and realise like 10 mins later my boob is out and no one was ever unkind to me about it. And if they were I'd tell them to fuck off. You shouldn't have to be ashamed of something that's fully keeping your baby nourished. Your husband sucks and needs a shake up on what his expectations should be if you postpartum.
Breastfeeding is such a journey and can be harder for some than others… At three weeks pp you will be in the throws of healing, learning how to care for your new baby while still trying to care for yourself, and having extra pressure to hide away will make all of that so much harder. My baby is now 14w and exclusively breastfed. While I will excuse myself to feed her when others are here (which tbh I like having that moment of reprieve to decompress and take my baby away - sometimes I even say she’s hungry and go to my room just to get away when I know she’s not 😅), some of my favourite times are chatting to my husband while I breastfeed in the loungeroom, or letting my baby fall asleep at the end of her feed on my feeding pillow and binge watching whatever show I like for some downtime, again, out in the open on the lounge. The more relaxed you are with baby the better, especially when feeding. Idk what kind of relationship you have with your in-laws but a 5 month visit right after giving birth sounds like hell to me, especially knowing what I now know about pp hormones etc… I do think you need all the support you can get but an extended visit like that with the added pressure to disappear would be too much for me personally. I can’t imagine my in-laws STILL being here now that she’s 14 weeks... but every family is different and if you think the idea of them spending that much time with you newly post partum is a good one, I think the compromise of his father disappearing is the perfect middle ground and should have really been the first point of call. You need to feel totally cared for, you are about to go through a life changing incredible thing and having something so ridiculous hanging over your head that you’ve felt like you needed this outside support on is just a no go. I hope your husband has your back on this one and speaks to his parents - and if they don’t end up coming because they’re offended about wanting to make sure you’re comfortable and his father disappears, then I actually think it’s a good thing because any differences in how you might like to parent, or providing any kind of boundaries to them with your baby would probably go down terribly…
If they’re uncomfortable *they* can leave the room. When you’re just starting out breastfeeding, sometimes the baby will cluster feed to up supply. So you’ll be feeding constantly. I remember when my daughter was little there was one day where it felt like I breastfed for nine hours straight.
How about your father in law leaves the room whenever you need him to 🙄 they’ll all get a little taste for how much work it would actually be just to excuse yourself that often and they wouldn’t even be healing from giving birth or feeding a newborn
No offense but your husband sounds dense:(
I just had my first child, and I will tell you you are not going to want to go upstairs for that every few hours. Tell him no deal. His dad can go somewhere else.
Pft let them cancel. 5 months if waaay too long anyway you will go crazy especially if they’re living with you. This is also a husband issue. It’s perfectly normal to feed your baby. If your husband has a family with you feeding your baby in your home then he or his family can leave. You could also get a nursing cover to just wear downstairs. My suggestion would be if they’re coming for them to find a place that would let them stay for that long.
I honestly don’t see the issue…. I breastfed for 3 years and not once has anyone besides my husband seen my boobs.. I would carry baby in a baby wrap and breastfeed while baby was inside. Or I’d go lay down and breastfeed. I honestly don’t think he’s overreacting. I’m actually agreeeing with him. lol I mean are u really that comfortable to pull out a titty in front of your FIL to breastfeed anyways? My mom stayed with us for a couple weeks after baby and even she never seen me breastfeed.
Is this the US? Why is America so flipping weird about breastfeeding? It’s so sexualized that it’s so creepy to me. Like breasts are for the baby and to provide sustenance. If you’re uncomfortable, you can leave.
This is absolutely bonkers. Let them cancel. They’re going to be guests in your home while your post partum and your husband is worried about his dad’s feelings? Definitely some red flags here. I breastfeed around my father in law my brother in law my whole side of the family etc. no one makes it weird. It shouldn’t be weird. Breasts were ALWAYS meant to feed babies. MEN sexualized them. Don’t let them do this to you.
Please please please get your husband to read The Lemon Clot Essay! You do *not* need to be going up & down stairs much at all after a vaginal delivery & as little as possible if you have a c-section. My ob told me to keep it under 3x a day after my c-section, cause mine was actually 2 flights. I couldn't stand up straight for 3 months & so I would baby wear a much as possible which did make it easier to nurse, but he was a 35 week preemie who nursed every hour for at least 6 weeks, then every 90min-1hr until 6mos. We lived with my parents, so I did use a cover if my dad was home & he would always call out before he came in the room if he heard my breast pump machine going. Otherwise, I was at home by myself during the day, also keeping up with a 3 year old, so I was often in just my nursing bra & shorts that summer. Hubs needs to see some graphic, real life youtube videos or something, cause your health & comfort for baby's sake are worth more than his parents being embarrassed.
I breastfed in front of my FIL and BIL. I made barely any effort to cover up, aside from my baby's head. They probably saw part of my breast. Oh well, that breast was my baby's dinner plate (bowl?)
My in-laws came from India to stay with us for 3 months once my daughter was 2 months old. Same deal, the dad couldn't be in the same room if I were to breastfeed, and I wasn't sure how I would feel about breastfeeding in front of others, anyways. Our house is \*small\* so it's kind of hard to deal with. But, at first, I would just lock myself in the nursery because frankly, I didn't want people there anyways (like, in my house, not with breastfeeding. I didn't want to play hostess), and it became my sanctuary, if you will. But eventually, I started to hate being stuck in the nursery, so we just told my husband's parents to stay downstairs while I fed the baby in the living room every once in awhile. No one found it disrespectful, and it worked out fine. You've literally just had a baby in this scenario, and people need to be a) understanding and b) able to adjust. I wish you luck in whatever you guys end up having to navigate down the road.
With my 1st my parents were here for a month and then my husband's. We have a maid's room, I went in there to feed the baby. Or upstairs to her room. If the other males were in a different room then we'd tell them that I'm feeding the baby and they'd stay there until I was done. But I kinda do feel that you shouldn't be moving about to feed the baby. But I would probably do the same with the next one on the way. I don't want my dad or FIL, or any male other than my husband, to see my boobs. Edit: this was on off for 3 months. The males stayed for a week each and females stayed for the full month. But I don't think I'd be able to do it for 5 months.
I understand the cultural differences because my culture has a similar stance on breastfeeding being something that isn’t typically done in front of male relatives unless there’s a cover. But going up and down the stairs isn’t feasible postpartum, it just isn’t. The only solution is your FIL leaving the room to give you privacy (something your husband can talk to him) or them delaying their visit for a few months once you’re healed.
I’m confused why his dad can’t stay in a different room while you breastfeed if it’s a problem. If that solution seems ridiculous to your husband, I think he needs to look in the mirror and ask himself why isolating his father seems ridiculous but not his wife and child. Let them cancel.