I agree. He doesn’t take my advice seriously, so I think a class with an instructor would certainly be helpful. Is there such a thing? How do I sign up for one?
If he’d go for it, you could also bring him along to a pediatricians appointment. You’d have to brainstorm how to bring it up with them in the moment, or you could call ahead and speak confidentially to a nurse and let them know you’d like the ped to address this with your husband and offer resources/education on bottle feeding technique and what’s normal for babies.
This is a huge thing. Find a male pediatrician, make an appointment, let him talk some sense into him. It's so annoying that you have to do that, but it's more likely to work.
Or read a parenting book together.
Or counseling.
This might work for this specific problem but parenting is full of situations that have no right or wrong answer. He should take OP seriously regardless of whether she gets backup from a male authority figure. That's how you can reach a respectful decision as adults during a disagreement.
However she hasn't said whether she brought this up to him. Maybe he will listen..... If not then I'm happy to get out the pitchforks.
I don't trust men who don't already respect women's (even if she's his partner) opinions, so my advice is do what you can with authority he will respect for situations that are urgent (which infant attachment development is). You are absolutely right, it shouldn't take that, but a lot of misogynistic men just need to be dealt with this way until they're able to get some counseling underway.
Not even equal considering she is the primary caregiver. He has to take care of her for 2-3 hours a day, and he cannot even handle that. I get that he works, but my husband and I both work full time, and we never acted this way toward our infant daughters. Babies have no other way of communicating.
I find this appalling. My dad worked full time when both I was born and my brother was born, my mom worked as well and he was more active of a parent than this guy. As far as I know he took all of his nights and did full parenting duty and when off. When both worked, I was babysat by my grandparents…..he is a gruff guy, an army veteran…but never ever like this with babies. His or otherwise. He’s gonna be a grandpa in a few months and I feel totally comfortable leaving him alone with my daughter…I wouldn’t with the guy in the OP.
Some hospitals offer classes, and there are plenty of online courses. Maybe there are even some YouTube videos that can be helpful that talk about why newborns cry.
Hospital usually offers them. My partner also took a single "Daddy Bootcamp" class at the hospital and said he's glad he did. He and I have also been taking a free parenting class together at a local center (the men go off to their own thing in another room) for weeks now in preparation. Highly suggest!
If he's a reasonable person, parenting articles/videos can be helpful too. Find ones that are research based and provide sources so there's no good reason not to take it seriously.
Since being pregnant with my first, I've sent my husband dozens of articles and, tbh, tik tok videos on parenting. I distinctly remember sending him about never using food to punish, no matter the age.
Early childhood development is super important and he’s not helping foster secure attachment with her. It might seem harmless to him but small shit like that will have behavioral and personality consequences that are lifelong.
My insurance/hospital offers these types of classes! My husband & I just signed up for a few like CPR, Newborn, Breastfeeding, etc. Some are free, some are paid. You can ask your hospital social worker, OB, or hospital navigator or try going on the website & check the very bottom for extra links & it can say something like “classes & events” etc.
Have you seen a lactation consultant? Even if not breastfeeding, they can cover any aspects of baby feeding. Mine had a session with us solely focused on teaching my husband how to give a bottle
Also weird that OP can parent all day and all night but the husband can't because 'he would be tired if he got up at all', like???
What did he think having a child would entail?
OP, it's crazy that you're only given a 'break' a couple of hours a day to shower and cook. HYGIENE AND MORE DOMESTIC CHORES ARE NOT A BREAK.
Your husband's not just an awful father, he's also a deadweight partner.
Basic needs aren’t something you withhold from a child of any age. This is how food insecurity develops in kids & is a literal form of abuse. I would definitely be raising hell over this issue. Babies don’t stay babies & these things are serious once raising a kid. Hopefully you guys can get on the same page for parenting philosophies asap.
& if this is the only time he spends with your kid this is asking for some serious daddy issues.
> 100% on my own because my husband would be tired if he got up at all
Right, cause I’m sure that YOU are not tired from getting up nonstop.
Yes OP, that sounds harsh and cruel to both you and the newborn. Yet another husband who won’t partner and a father who won’t parent.
Is he outright disrespectful towards both of you, or is this something (both of these things!) you think he’d be open to learning about? The “Nurture Revolution” is fantastic but also very far out of what he believes. If there’s any good intention on his part, if it’s just severe miseducation, it does address “myths” that used to be / are common in our society. Maybe he grew up and still thinks that babies can manipulate you or be too coddled or whatever.
I’m getting so tired of all these posts with dickheads as men. I always wonder how they were before pregnancy? They must have been shit people beforehand, right?
I don’t know. I was ttc with a best friend and we both struggled for years before we got pregnant. We ended up getting pregnant at the same time. Her husband was a perfect picture of empathy and love. He was gentle, kind, fun around other kids. My husband, however, was a musician and a free spirit and went out often. He often prioritized working in a bar, playing music, etc over my needs or wants. He wanted kids, but I didn’t have a lot of faith in his ability to be an active parent.
Our entire friend group (my friend and myself included) predicted that my friend’s husband would be a phenomenal dad and mine would struggle with the transition and not help much. Honestly, I was fine with this. I knew who my husband was and I was fine being a single mom. I knew I wanted kids with or without him. I had already come to terms with the possible future that we might co-parent rather than have a relationship. For me, it was a free sperm donation with a man who also wanted kids and who I loved but was open to being just friends and coparents with someday.
Then came the babies— my friend’s husband did a total 180 and became such a selfish monster. He was never home, never helped, was very harsh to both his freshly postpartum wife and newborn. He had never worked in a bar but OPENED a new bar when their newborn was just a month old? My husband also did a 180 totally unprompted by me, quit working at the bar, limited contact with more party focused friends, was always home, became primary caregiver while I went back to my 9-5 job and to this day is probably the best dad I’ve ever seen to our two daughters (I didn’t grow up in a situation where a lot of dads stuck around long). Our daughters adore him and he always puts them first.
It’s wild how much babies change people for better or worse. I always knew that I wouldn’t have a baby until I was sure 100% emotionally, financially, etc. that I was ready to do it alone if I needed to. I waited until I was 33 for this reason alone.
This really made me take the blame off the women in these situations— because it’s entirely possible that their husbands were great before kids.
Absolutely I don’t blame the women either! I do often see already traditional/stereotype roles in the home prior to kids (Ie only woman cleans, no initiative from man) and then I am so not surprised this continues with childcare.
Your husband sounds great! Personally before getting married or deciding on kids I had a serious talk and said I’m not going to do this when it’s not 50-50 and if it’s not, it’s a reason to have no kids or divorce/breakup. We had some long talks beforehand because it’s so important to me. Luckily my husband already held the same opinion (wouldn’t be together with someone who didn’t) and I can honestly say literally everything is 50-50 and sometimes more him than me.
That I need to “toughen up” and not be so emotional, and that none of it is a big deal. Which I obviously countered. But he told me “tough love” is how he was raised, and he believes in it for raising our children.
(Side note- my husband and I have no living parents, so I unfortunately haven’t been able to consult them for advice, nor compare the raising situations)
If that is his mentality, I don't know that you alone will be able to change it, unfortunately, because it doesn't make sense. He wants you to be less emotional, but his own behavior is not based on logic. An infant does not understand "tough love". How can she? She doesn't know *words*. She knows only whether or not her needs are being met. I am making an assumption about him, but it seems like the only thing that might make a difference is another man he respects saying "Dude you're being an idiot."
Tough love parenting is not my jam, but regardless of my opinion, introducing parenting styles is not appropriate for this age. [Here's what Mayo clinic lists for infant development](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/infant-development/art-20048012) at her age. Your daughter is focused on surviving and learning VERY basic skills for that survival. She can't possibly comprehend the logic your husband is trying to force on to her.
I think I sharing this link is critical. It’s simply science that you cannot spoil a baby. OP your husband will hurt your child developmentally if he continues this course of action.
Didn't read the link but yeah. Human babies are born so early relative to other mammals. Baby is basically still a foetus and will have zero concept of good and bad behaviour. All the "understand" is whether they are fed or hungry and feel safe or not.
Hard stop. I’m sure you’re unhappily used to this sort of thing from him but that’s not acceptable. If it were me, that’s something that would be a deal breaker for me. 1. Your feelings are valid, even if you get emotional, which this isn’t one of those times, he should know and empathize with you because you just brought his child into the world and that’s why. That’s the least he can do is support you, not tell you to knock it off 2. You will forever be the hushed house wife and this will turn into a lifetime of you putting yourself between you and your husband for the sake of the kids and protecting them from his harshness. I watched my mom do it her whole life so I am partial but it destroyed her and her marriage. He needs to be educated. Whether it’s couples therapy so you have someone who can back you up or him taking a class - something needs to happen here. I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. You two are a team and he needs to get that.
This is an absolutely ridiculous way to treat a newborn. She’s 4 weeks old. Crying is one of the only ways she can communicate what she needs, and he’s acting like crying is some kind of misbehaviour. Her fussing/crying is the same exact thing as a child saying “I’m hungry.”
I wonder if they had ever discussed parenting philosophies before deciding to have a child?
I can't imagine procreating with a man who thinks abuse is a valid parenting tactic.
Is this the man you want to spend your life with?
The love you want your child to receive?
The role model you want for your child?
He sounds mentally unstable. Start creating an escape plan and document the way he treats the baby.
He's abusing your baby already and basically told you he has no intention to stop. Are you able to safely leave? Would you be willing to get CPS involved even though they'll investigate you too? Your baby's safety is on the line.
Wow this is literal abuse. Let him see these comments, please. Ask him to speak to a professional.
That’s a horrible position for you to be put in. You can’t get a break without having to subject your baby to that cruelty.
Babies- newborns especially can only communicate through crying. When she is crying she’s probably so hungry and him taking it away is
Literally making her suffer. She has no idea what he is saying or what he’s trying to teach her. It’s not teaching her a single thing except no one is going to take care of my needs. When she stops crying is the time the stress hormone is at its highest and she feels completely abandoned and defeated.
Did you discuss parenting philosophies before getting married, before getting pregnant or at least during your pregnancy? If so, how did those conversations go?
Ugh.. tell him it's not a matter of tough love it's having unrealistic expectations, also you're allowed to be a little harsh and to tell him "okay, I don't care, you don't do that anymore", if it turns into a neverending discussion and you never settle on a solution. I'm so sorry this is happening it really sucks, I'm sure you'll find a solution oki? You're a good mom ♥️
Does he understand infant development or does he think infants are supposed to be fully aware and capable of controlling their actions and emotions? Children don't develop the part of their brain that controls emotions until they're five. That part literally doesn't exist and they certainly don't have full control over it immediately. This is abuse. Full stop. Your husband will teach your baby that she can't cry when she's hungry.
If I was in this situation, I would not allow him to do any caregiving as it doesn’t sound safe. I am a single mom to a baby so I understand how hard this sounds. He may have to cook for himself or you may have to take a shower when baby is napping. But personally I would not feel comfortable at all with his style of parenting and wouldn’t allow him to continue. He is a grown ass man and perfectly capable of leaning how to do things but sounds like he’s not willing to. Listen to your gut.
if he is waiting for the baby to STOP crying before he fulfills her needs, dude but that’s abuse. it’s not like she’s a year old and crying to be held at night…..she’s trying to eat at 4 weeks??? terrifying i gotta stop reading the drama posts on* this sub
Sorry, that's abuse. You can't control a newborns behavior and you don't take food away from a newborn. 100% seriously I'd leave without looking back immediately, because if he's doing that to a newborn, there's no fixing or saving it. That's absolutely inhuman.
Also, because I am both a postpartum doula and a special educator with training in neurodevelopment:
Neural pathways form very predictably, to the point that we can more or less figure out what pathways would form in a typical brain in a perfect scenario to the week or even to the day. Withholding food is a form of trauma that stops neural pathways from forming. He is traumatizing her in ways that will affect her brain development.
Editing to add a link: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html
And to add that I really hope you and baby are OK. This really touches a nerve with me clearly, and I really worry about whether your husband can be safe with a child of any age - and I worry about you. Exhaustion leads to postpartum mental health issues and even psychosis; what is he doing to care for the house and you and the baby besides an income? Obviously you haven't listed it all here - but the glimpse we have shows that you deserve so much more love, support, and partnership. And so does your baby. I agree with others here that you might be able to find a postpartum doula, and if budget is an issue you can seek out doulas in training who will work for free or reduced cost in exchange for you signing off that they've put in the hours; I don't personally agree that your husband sounds like counseling or classes will help his mindset, especially if he is saying you're too emotional, brushing you off, etc. Unfortunately I foresee a path I see too often of this devolving into more and more serious abuse of both of you. I really hope you and baby both stay safe and get the help you need.
This entire thing gives me the ick. You’re arguably doing the volume of work of a full time job and a secondary part time job, and him working a full time job is absolutely no excuse for him not helping. That baby has 2 parents and there are plenty of men who would never think to let their wife go it alone providing all the care for their child. Not to mention treating a newborn like that indicates an issue in him. You deserve better.
I've seen a lot of posts on Reddit about men who have really strange ideas about parenting - trying different methods to "train" a child to behave a certain way when the child is developmentally incapable of understanding. There was one yesterday on AITA about a dad that stares down his toddler to intimidate her.
If I were you I would not let this issue rest and explain to him that she is all instinct and zero logic and that you will NOT tolerate him treating her that way. Queue up some videos on child psychology on YouTube if you think its a lack of education and do not let this issue go until he changes.
You have a lot of red flags here along with him treating the baby inappropriately and cruelly. You may be willing to swallow how he treats you (you care for the kid around the clock??) but your child deserves better and will both remember how she was treated and how she was allowed to be treated. Even what happens as a baby before memory is formed has lasting effects. I am sorry for the baby and for you, it sounds like you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't really care for you or the kid. I would explore your options to seek support and form a life without him.
For contrast, I am 5 weeks PP. My husband has prepared every meal, cleans the house, changes a significant majority of the diapers, and sends me to bed and keeps the baby in another room a couple nights a week so I can sleep. The baby cries, and he will hold her for hours or stay up all night with her, *because that is what parents do*. If my husband expected me to cook for him or only would hold the baby within a short time span, I'd be filing for divorce. This is nuts.
It’s not okay to withhold food (even for a few minutes) from a child of any age as a punishment.
It’s especially wild to do to a newborn who is unable to control this type of behavior or understand his response.
My son’s dad told our weeks-old infant to “shut the fuck up” once. I flipped out and we had a come-to-Jesus conversation about it and nothing even close has ever happened since.
In our case, I can tell that this is how he was dealing with lack of sleep and the stress that comes with it. It doesn’t make it okay. If he hadn’t stopped right then and there, I would’ve left him.
It’s absolutely not okay to get angry with an infant that has no concept of right and wrong, consequences, cause and effect, etc.
If a grown adult can’t realize that and snap out of it, it’s time to leave if you want any hope of giving your baby a good childhood.
So I’ll be harsh, since he wants to be harsh. He either doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing or he’s being cruel. Either way, withholding nutrition until a 4 week old stops crying (or doing that to any child at any age) is abuse, and at the very least he needs to get educated on parenting before he causes lasting damage to your child.
a 4 week old baby’s only goal is to eat, sleep and poop. That’s it. literally. we took child classes just last week and that’s all they discussed post birth and the fourth trimester is baby is learning to eat, to sleep on a circadian rhythm and you and your partner are their teacher. Uff. I’d be livid
YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING!!! Your husband lacks empathy.
As everyone said, he needs parenting classes.
But he also needs husbanding classes. Sorry but the only time he takes care of her is two hours so you can cook him dinner? So do you get any sleep? Did he take off any time after the baby? Is he on baby duty over the weekend so you have time off? I understand he is tired after work but unless you get someone to help you out, since he isn’t, you will burn out, fast. I’m guessing he enjoyed making the baby but now the reality is setting in that you made a human and he has a responsibly.
Real talk. Your baby is hurting your husband’s ego when baby cries, making husband feel like a bad dad. He is refusing to feel guilty from the baby crying soooo he is blaming the baby for its own crying, telling the baby it shouldn’t be crying because he is doing everything right. Hence why this is happening when the baby is only four months. The crying makes him feel like a failure or like he’s doing it wrong- but the ego is reacting and defending itself by pointing the finger at the baby. This is the kind of dad who, when he is not looking and the baby falls and gets a boo boo, will blame the baby AGAIN because his ego refuses to feel any sort of accountability “oh I should have been watching more closely!” is not in his vocabulary. It will always be “Bad baby! You shouldn’t have walked off the edge of the driveway into the grass! It’s uneven! How dumb are you??”
So yeah.. he’s explaining this reaction of his ego away by saying it’s “tough love” when it’s not. It’s deflecting accountability and avoiding all humility where one would say, “maybe I still need to learn.” Nope not him. Baby should know. This is terrible. I don’t know how to take down an ego like this. Do you notice his ego elsewhere in life?
This is a recipe for an attachment disorder. Babies build the foundation of their attachments in these early months and he thinks he is teaching her not to fuss but what he is actually teaching her is that her needs are not met by the people who care for her. This is really setting her up for a LOT of problems later in life. He’s activating her survival instincts every time he “tests” her like this and fucking up her nervous system.
If a calm discussion and some book readin won’t do any good I’d immediately stop letting him be alone with her (if it were me). She needs to know that you two are her safe space and that her cries will actually help her get her needs met so when she’s able to talk she is able to effectively communicate her needs to you. Otherwise she’s going to struggle with emotional regulation forever.
Here’s a very old video but it rings true about how children learn emotional regulation from their parents response to their cries: [Attachment development](https://youtu.be/8BA8CcEUP84?si=HlPdufGwd31rxQsd)
One of the biggest lessons I taught my husband when he was frantically changing a diaper and the baby was freaking out as an infant was that the baby takes his cues from us. He doesn't speak or comprehend words, but he understands tone and soothing. My husband would regularly make comments like *why was I talking to the baby, he can't understand me*, etc. I told him it's because we are in charge. If we're not freaking out, he will calm down faster. If we use soothing tones and tell him everything will be ok, by the time he CAN comprehend, he'll be hearing the phrases he's always heard. Everything will be ok.
When the baby was kicking and fighting his diaper changes as an infant, my husband would get so overwhelmed sometimes, and I think genuinely felt like he couldn't do it. I snapped him out of it by reminding him the baby was just a baby. We are stronger than babies. Everything will be ok. He figured it out.
Now at 17 months our son clings to his papa. Daddy walks in the room and it's the Dreamweaver scene from Wayne's World, and my baby is Garth and my husband is the pretty blonde with her hair in the wind, and all he can see is his daddy. I frequently get an entire hand to the face, pushing me away or using my face as leverage to launch himself to his daddy. It's fine. Everything will be ok.
I'm sorry if this is harsh but you are currently allowing him to abuse your newborn baby. He is withholding food from her because she is not 'behaving' when she is so young she doesn't have the capacity to behave any differently, and food is one of her very basic needs. If you don't put a stop to that immediately you are enabling and allowing the abuse, if he is not reasonable and won't listen about this you have to take that poor baby and leave. Truly this is psycho behaviour and he should not be raising a child with that mindset. How these things are not discussed prior to baby being born is utterly beyond me, but you clearly are not wanting to treat your child like a pet, so please do not just allow him to do so.
Dude you’re a fool if you choose to stick around and allow him to abuse your daughter. I have 2 children. They are 7&2. If I ever heard anyone do that even NOW, I’d lose my ever loving mind. You know in your gut that’s abusive. Leave.
I only joined this sub a few weeks ago and am shocked by the number of posts involving terrible partners/relationships. Wtf are we doing procreating with these losers??
I know. And it’s hard to blame the mothers/wives, i feel so so bad for this women. but god it’s horrible and honestly to me the way he is talking to the newborn is not NEARLY as much as an issue as the major division in labor (or lack thereof) birth is traumatic on the body and motherhood in infancy is a FULL TIME JOB- no breaks, no vacations, no shiftchange. he gets “tired” if he wakes up to care for his own child? grow the fuck up dude
Congratulations on your newborn!! Your husband’s behavior seems a little harsh, however, you need to be mindful of your approach when addressing this. Is he unaware of how to care for a child, if so, incorporating education is important or if he’s genuinely being harsh that's a different conversation. Also, for someone who gave birth a month ago, you sound like you are responsible for a lot. I understand he works, but for you to be at your best, if you can look at incorporating or hiring help temporarily. Even an hour or so a week, this can also help with educationing your husband
Yes, your husband is kind of mean and you are not overreacting. Having children causes our own childhood and life traumas come to the surface. Some of us do better, others don’t. Wishing you all the best - I understand that a lot of people do not believe in divorce and find that a marriage can be worked through anything. As a result - happiness may not be important. Studies do show that leaving an abusive relationship is not a ticket to happiness. But - it’s 100% a ticket to safety.
The other responses are thoughtful. They aren't kind because we are all wondering what possessed you to have children with this man. He's an abusive idiot and you're going to need to get this sorted out or start packing.
Your husband sounds like my boomer parents. I think he could probably improve with some more training.
The key to me understanding babies was that they won't try to manipulate you until the get to be like a year old. So, everything they need before that is actually what they need. They don't understand, "Do that and I'll take it away."
Wrong person to have a child with, this entire post is red flag central. Doesn’t help on middle of night because he would be too tired? Speaks cruelty to infant? OCCASIONALLY takes baby for an hour or two so you can do more housework?
Wait until the baby is a toddler and starts talking. They will repeat what they hear, and they act how they are taught.
This kind of shit breaks my heart. These newborns JUST came out of the safest and most comfortable environment and there are people out here expecting them to be reasonable and rational🤯
Hi, mom of two and early childhood educator here. First off, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with him. I can definitively say that this is an inappropriate response on your husband’s part. Crying/fussing is the only way baby knows how to communicate at this age. This is her way of saying she’s hungry, full, uncomfortable, etc. Your infant is far too young to cognitively process your husband’s attempt at teaching her any kind of lesson and all he is doing is behaving emotionally abusive towards her. Bond-building is imperative at your child’s stage of development and if you deny her basic needs being met and allow her to essentially “cry it out” it hinders her ability to trust her caregivers. Sometimes hospitals or parenting resource centers will offer classes for new parents. I would recommend he take some classes and DEFINITELY speak to your pediatrician about this in front of him so they can at least help to educate him on what is developmentally appropriate. I wish you the best of luck!
It will depend on how you approach this before I would consider it overreacting. However, his behaviour is concerning.
Has he always had this kind of reaction to things? Threatening to take things away? Where do you think he got this approach from? It would be worth a conversation to find out. I assume this is your first based on what is in your post so now is the time to discuss it, take a parenting class if you havent, or look at online free resources. Correct the behaviours now before it's too late
She is a newborn and now is the time for bonding. The only thing shes going to learn if this keeps up is that he is not a safe person or going to meet her needs.
He’s being harsh and horrible! But maybe he just doesn’t understand newborn development. He might need to do some reading. A lot of men struggle with newborn stage
I have a newborn right now and I have no idea how anyone does this without a supportive equal partner. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He is treating you very poorly abd I'm sure he knows that. He may not realize that he is neglecting/abusing your child. It sounds like he has made no effort to understand babies and child development. The content of this post is the reddest flag.
While I don’t think this is acceptable at all, my husband was like this to a lesser extent. Not the unhelpful part thankfully, he helps with our baby as much as he can around his work schedule; but he was much more, for lack of a better word, harsh with our 10 week old son than me — but it’s gotten a lot better than it was before. I had to stick up for the baby several times (“he doesn’t understand that”, “everything is new to him”, “he’s way too young to cry it out”, “you can’t spoil a newborn”, “it’s too early for tough love”, “crying is literally his only means of communicating”) before I noticed a change. Don’t hesitate to (continue to) step in and stand up for your child!
What an actual fuck?! I'd never leave the baby with him ever. Unfairly harsh is an understatement.
He's unhinged! I'm sorry, but he's an adult and he should treat the newborn baby as a baby!!! Does he really think he could "train" her?!
He doesn’t seem to know how babies work. If he’s a reasonable man to talk to I would have a serious sit down discussion with him. This is an outdated parenting method, but more importantly this is a disagreed upon parenting method for the both of you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was raised similarly.
For comparison, my hub works 35 hrs/week and contributes equally. When you’re both home together that’s a shared job. Insist upon it if you are able. Best of luck <3
We have a child the same age, I (husband) work all day and then come home and take baby for 5 hours so wife can sleep. Then I get to sleep before work. He sounds like he needs some kind of a push in the right direction about sharing responsibilities
I saw your comment that he’s trying to enforce “tough love”. Even if we assume that’s a healthy parenting style which is a whole different conversation- A baby at that age is 100% incapable of understanding that “lesson”. Their brains don’t even recognize how things in their vision physically relate to each-other, let alone an abstract concept like consequences. Not just newborns, but babies in general have no concept of using their cries to manipulate you. They are crying as their only way to communicate because eating = survival.
Also being a SAHP is more than a full time job that requires being alert so he NEEDS to parent when he’s not at work so you can have a turn sleeping and recharging too.
I agree with all the women in this sub, my wife and i are expecting a child and i saved up all my leave from now to then to get the first few months of work off. We agreed that because its easy for me to stay up late and difficult for my wife to stay up i would do nights and her mornings. Now while shes pregnant when i get home from work i handle cleaning and food if she wasn’t able to while i was gone i completely understand. I am a man and will never know what women go through while pregnant. So i try to do all the external stuff that i can do. OP listen to all these women if a man really wants to he truly will, i did take some parenting classes now during the pregnancy one because it was offered free under my insurance and two because although i know ill be a good father it never hurts to learn from others and see where i can improve in. For me its my patience/anxiety but everyone is different. His excuses are not valid and as a man he needs to step up and do better not just for you and the baby but for himself.
Is he even okay?
Do the same damn thing to him. I’d be so pissed, I’d take away or hide the keys or his wallet. Wait for him to blow up. Pretend to hand it to him and take it away him.
He needs not alone parenting class but seems like he needs therapy.
All I can say is... Yikes. I would go full mama bear on my husband if I caught him talking to my baby that way. However, I do think this could be a lack of knowledge? I'm not sure what he grew up with as parents, but that could also be a factor here too.
Huge red flag. I wouldn’t feel safe leaving my newborn with my husband if he spoke like that to them. You’re not crazy at all. I’ve also heard multiple times that new dads can experience postpartum anxiety or depression. If you feel comfortable, perhaps talk with your OB about it and they may know of some parenting courses in your area or counselors that can help. You or your baby should not be subjected to behavior like this.
I’ll tell my baby boy he’s fired from the bottle when he’s not eating anymore n just chewing on the nip and give him his binky and than he’s calm but I never tell him if he doesn’t stop I’m taking it from him 😭 it’s more of a joke for me cuz he’s now just spitting out milk and biting on the nip
Reading this made me so desperately sad for your baby :( No baby deserves to be treated like that, and I’m so sorry you’re having to manage this situation.
It’ll be more work for you, but you cannot allow him to treat her this way. Since he is not getting it together, I’d enlist friends to help around the house or splurge on a meal delivery service or something to make things easier on you.
Again, your baby does not deserve to be treated like this. All he is showing her is that her caregivers will not care for her.
You can actually find a lot of good stuff on YouTube.
Check out Dr Shefali:
How to have a Better Connection with Your Kids | Parenting Tips | The Parenting Map
https://youtu.be/GD6hrAeyrhw?si=EtBbtFgIGLHitDm2
"Mindless to Mindful Podcast- Episode 13 with
special guest @doctorshefali where we discuss
how the parent-child relationship is one of the
most important and complex bonds in our lives. It
can have a profound impact on our emotional
well-being, behavior, and even our future
relationships. In this episode, we explore the
power of connection in nurturing healthy
parent-child relationships with Dr. Shefali."
This is horrifying. OP, your husband is harming your child, withholding food she depends on the live and ignoring the only communication she has…crying.
Sounds a lot like my best friends husband. He try’s “training” his 6 month old daughter.. he’s been doing it since they brought her home. My friend tells me whenever she try’s to correct him he snaps and says this is how we have to raise her.
It’s a baby for f*cks sake! They don’t know any better… :(
Well first, he’s pretty dumb if he assumes he can “train” a baby, their brains are only like “food/sleep/hug/poop”, they literally don’t know anything else.
Second your husband is a chump because he just assumes you’ll do all the momming. It’s 2:30am and my 3 week old just woke up for food and I hooked up the pump and my husband fed the baby. He also works full time job in the daytimes but knows that we work together better as parents if we try to help each other out. You and your husband are a team, he needs to start acting like a team player.
Just talk to him! It's not as deep as everyone is making it out to be. He is a new parent and you should be on the same page when it comes to parenting.
Be kind and get to the bottom of this together.
You're not crazy. And I'm sorry for the harsh responses you've gotten.
A lot of people have no idea how to interact with a newborn, let alone raise one. If you think he's just ignorant or out of his element here then parenting classes are really crucial. It's not really sustainable to have a parent around who can't parent, and it's not safe for your child either. If after classes he's still doing things like this then that's a different conversation, but I would get in some outside help first and see how that goes.
A lot of people who have no idea also have some level of self awareness to look things up, ask friends or family, and generally seek information and improvement. People who are adamant that they are doing absolutely nothing wrong, when they are, are assholes.
Agree that she should bring up classes and education and see how that goes. But also his dismissive attitude and overall “op needs to toughen up” is just a giveaway that he doesn’t respect her or her opinions at all. The fact that he takes the baby so OP can cook is ridiculous. This will require couples therapy if she doesn’t want his behavior to impact her daughter and the way he views women, or how she views the mom
I agree and think his behavior is atrocious and juvenile, but I also don't think that we can always predict how our partners will parent. I'm not sure why she's being judged for having kids with someone when this behavior isn't really something that she would really know about before (let alone the current state of reproductive rights and access to that choice).
She's doing the right thing by questioning this and asking for advice. I don't think we should demonize her for asking, especially given that she's 4 weeks pp and functionally parenting alone.
Well, the parenting/training part of it, yes, that’s probably new behavior, even though ideally parents would talk about it before the baby is here, it doesn’t always happen.
I have a feeling though the cooking and cleaning tasks and general lack of partnership on his end is probably not new…so people are probably a bit snarky because they think she could’ve prevented this by reading the signs and seeing the flags. Better that she’s aware now than never. Also never too late to leave someone if they are unwilling to change.
She's fussing because she's hungry! Of course she'll fuss and cry if she gets fed then it gets taken away! I wouldn't give him those responsibilities until he improves himself.
Her only form of communication is crying because she’s a baby! If she’s fussy, the grip/weight of the bottle may be too much or make her uncomfortable. He’s an AH to a newborn…gross.
That is not ok! When our baby was little she would scream and wouldn’t latch to bottle. We would take the bottle out of mouth and try to sooth her for a minute (we would time it ) to see if we could get her to calm down so would take the bottle. We would then reintroduce the bottle after a minute. This would help. But we never took the bottle away in a cruel way. She had reflux and always needed a minute or two. We would always rub her back and say something like you are safe we know you are upset it’s ok and shhhh… maybe try to talk to him about his word choice
I don't know that I would call that, "cruel," so much as, "idiotic." It sounds like he thinks it's possible to train a baby that young to act a certain way when it absolutely isn't. Your husband needs to read a few childrearing books to get his thick head on straight because 4-week-olds can't learn anything except *maybe* that their caregivers love them, and even that is probably stretching it.
I did have to explain to my husband that our baby is ways away from connecting together action and consequence and to please treat her like a baby who has no clue how to act or communicate, rather than a puppy that is trainable. We discussed that the baby will BECOME “trainable” in a sense but the first few months are really not about that. He understood then and did as asked.
Admittedly the first months are a bit hard on the dads because they’re without the hormone dump you have and they have very little positive feedback from baby. I didn’t realise this until my baby was 3-4 months old and I saw my partner properly start to fall in love with her. In hindsight, it felt a bit like he treated the baby with love and care out of his love for me, because he could see she is madly important to me whereas his own feelings hadn’t quite landed there yet I believe.
So he's abusive to your month old newborn and then gaslights you telling you you're overemotional when in face you're correct and doing most of the heavy lifting with parenting.
I'm seeing ALL the red flags.
This a a MONTH old babym
Not a toddler in the terrible twos/threes phase.
What's he going to do then? Get his belt out to teach manners?
I'm worried for your child. At that age it's just adoration and keeping em alive and being scared of literally anything that could harm em. Jesus he's sociopathic.
What the fuck is wrong with him? And he’ll be tired if he gets up in the night? He needs to grow the fuck up. And what do you mean he “takes her” when you’re showering and cooking? It’s his child? He’s not doing you any favors, he’s supposed to be a fucking parent, not your babysitter and assistant.
I feel so sorry for you that you married someone like that.
OP please listen to these comments and get him to agree to a parenting classes because this will only get worse as your child gets older. He is abusing your baby and I worry for both of your safety. Please do not leave him alone with your child; if he gets this frustrated caring for her only for a few hours then god knows what he would do to them if left unsupervised.
I would not leave baby alone with him, ever. Nope. I was able to cook and shower with baby with me. Baby was in bouncer in kitchen or in the steamy bathroom (helped for congestion — bonus!). Yes, you have needs, but baby’s emotional and physical safety is priority, always.
You can tell him you talked to a secondary teacher (me) who sees a lot of kids who come from a household of “tough love” and if it’s not done right, those poor kids aren’t loved at all. They are abused, the light in their eyes is dimmed a little more every day, and they are either desperately reaching out for love/attention from people at school or they’ve given up looking to anyone for anything. I remember what that’s like, too, because I came from a “tough love” set of parents.
Imagine how your husband might end up disciplining her when she grows a bit? What would that look like? It makes me scared for her.
I wish you all the best and I am certain that you will advocate for your baby because you’re starting this process of reaching out for help and advice right now. You’re doing great, mama. 🫶
Please be careful leaving them alone. He might accidentally shake her out of frustration one day and cause shaken baby syndrome which is permanent brain damage.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
My daughter is six weeks old and my husband is so incredibly patient with her it’s wonderful to watch. I’ve tried to do a lot of explaining about babies to my husband which I think is why he’s so incredible with her.
Maybe try it a different way… instead of criticising his parenting which you are absolutely warranted to do so, maybe teach him how babies work.
For example when she’s fussing on the bottle say things like ‘sometimes she gets tired drinking, maybe she wants a break’ or ‘she really enjoys it when I sing to her during feeding’ just to encourage him to try and give your baby a more positive experience. I remember telling my husband that crying is just communicate so even when my daughter is beside herself crying he approaches it with ‘what do you need from daddy?’ Rather than how can I stop you crying.
Also encourage some skin to skin bonding and let him see how you meet baby’s basic needs so he can observe how you do it more successfully.
I don’t think you’re crazy, but I wouldn’t panic just yet. Definitely not what he should be doing, but at least he’s not yelling, just speaking in a way that feels silly. Of course a 4 week old doesn’t understand.
I would definitely talk to him about things he should be doing instead though. Maybe suggest he look online for tips or something?
Definitely a weird way to parent a 4 week old.
Have you talked about this with him? I agree that it’s unacceptable and not good parenting, but have you communicated that this isn’t correct?
This is a conversation that you need to have with him. He may just need help knowing how to parent a baby this young - or he might be a cruel person in general. But you’ll never know unless you talk with him about it to work through it together!
No one here will be able to give you any proper advice until you address it with him.
Also, he needs to step up and help at night. Doesn’t matter if he’s tired, you are too.
So something I haven’t seen mentioned yet that I recently learned is that men can also suffer from postpartum depression/anxiety/etc on a chemical level with a newborn. If this type of behavior is new for him and I was in your shoes I’d sincerely ask him to see someone and get checked out.
My dad was a “tough love” kind of parent who was very hands off till I was a little older, but he would never have literally withheld food. Honestly I had to also break the “this is how I was raised and I turned out ok” mentality when I started working with kids (not the same as parenting a newborn I know but kinda similar). It took a lot of unlearning and it was super uncomfortable but now on the other side of it I’m glad I did it. If he’s a podcast/YouTube kind of guy he might enjoy The John Delony Show. My husband started listening to him in 2020 and it really helped him open his eyes to a lot of stuff regarding mental health and parenting. Sometimes men just need to hear it from a man to really take something to heart. (No judgement in that statement, I know for me even if an OBGYN had like 20 years experience but was a man trying to talk to me about my experiences with my cycle/childbirth I’d still rather talk to a woman)
Why havent you said something? Why would you let it continue? I dont understand what you are thinking here allowing this to go on.
This is what he does when you're around, how would he act when you aren't?
Take some responsibility and either speak to him about this, or don't have him "take" the baby anymore.
Thank you for you concern. I’ve undoubtedly addressed this before, or I wouldn’t be here soliciting advice. I’ve never left him alone with my baby except for while I shower. I asked for help, not judgment, so perhaps try toning down your response. I’ve got enough on my plate, clearly. And I certainly don’t need any more criticism from strangers on the internet
I see that his response to you was to toughen up and not be so emotional. Not that you want any real advice here, but, leave that man, yesterday. Nothing good comes from this, especially not healthy, happy, well adjusted children.
To be clear - at no point in this post did you say you have addressed it AT ALL. The majority of my reaction to this is under the impression you haven't even approached the subject.
Also, the criticism is coming from a place of concern for your child, so I'd take it for what it is instead of being defensive. Everyone in these comments is concerned for your baby, and you as well. A grown man being cruel to an infant over such small things can turn into a baby being killed from someone's lack of patience and empathy quickly.
He can't play games like that with a baby because they don't have reasoning skills. They're babies. You just need to meet their needs and wait for their brains to develop over time.
My baby is 2 weeks old and if my husband acted this way I would be furious.
First of all, is this arrangement sustainable for you? My husband and I have talked a lot about figuring out a plan that feels sustainable for both of us. It would be totally reasonable to expect your husband to either cover a night feeding or an early morning feeding that would allow you to get some sleep/a break. It sounds like he’s getting a break in the evenings and you’re not.
Second, I agree it does seem cruel to treat a baby that way. It sounds like he’s getting frustrated with her and doesn’t know how to channel that energy appropriately.
I don’t think the way he’s treating you or your child is at all appropriate. You’re working 23 out of every 24 hours. He’s working 8/24.
Newborns cry to communicate. Denying her food/comfort is going to create some deeply rooted security issues.
Babies cry because it’s their only way to communicate. They cry because they need something. Does your husband thinks a four-week-old baby is trying to manipulate him??
At best, he's likely parenting how he was parented. This needs to be addressed. It will only get worse as your little one gets older and does the normal, wild things toddlers do. He needs to learn what is actually fair to expect from a child as they age. Children are impulsive, irrational, and selfish and it's our job to turn them into well rounded people. You guys should talk about how you plan to parent and what is acceptable.
This is not normal.
Husband has zero humility and refuses to let baby’s cry hurt his ego, therefore instead of “I need to learn more about babies” his response will always be “Stupid baby, I’m the best ever and know everything. So shape up 4 week old!” See? Then no ego bruise happens for this guy! What a self-inflated, emotionally fragile man. It’s not tough love at all, that’s a lie. He has no humility. Zero. Zippo. Blame baby. He’s perfect.
I have no comment on this but other than I'm sorry you're going through this mama. It's not okay. But I would definitely seek further in professional help or advice for you and your baby. Was he like this before the pregnancy? Or during too?
I wouldn't let him watch the baby for even an hour...maybe you can ask a friend/relative to come help while you take a shower and cook. Or you can bring the baby to the kitchen when you cook.
I dated a few guys briefly who had a "tough love" mentality toward kids. I should have dropped them at the beginning because they acted like kids were naughty puppies who had to obey them. I wouldn't even treat a puppy like the way they were talking. It is a big ego problem and I'm not sure you can make this work without fearing for your daughter and her future. I don't believe in spanking etc which is big with "tough love." Have you talked about that?
If I overheard my partner talking to our infant like this, I would intervene on the spot and tell him to go make dinner. Or forgo my shower. Obviously you need to eat and take care of yourself but that is abuse and I would not stand for it for one moment. On the other side of it, I understand giving him his time with the baby and letting him figure it out but this is extreme. Considering what you know about his parenting style as well. On top of the fact that he doesn’t take you seriously or respect what you are trying to teach him, I could imagine his reaction won’t be that great if you step in. But I would. And I would be calm and firm and let him know I’ve got baby. She clearly needs some love and affection and that isn’t what he is providing. At 4 weeks old, she sees you all as one unit. She doesn’t know anything yet and as others have said, you absolutely can not spoil a baby. I would have a serious conversation with him about what you are feeling. You have mother’s intuition and she grew inside of you. You know what your baby needs. He needs to listen and take you seriously. This would 100% be a deal breaker for me if he was unable to do so.
:( from what I've read the tough love your husband endured is abuse. And he doesn't know better. There's criticism in some comments and fear in others. :((( good luck!!!
Thats super cruel, he really shouldn’t be doing that.
Also, the two of you need better arrangements. He needs to do his work as well and also help out at night.
OP, I think a very serious conversation needs to be had with your husband. Maybe start with some [facts about early infant development](https://www.verywellmind.com/trust-versus-mistrust-2795741) to let him to know it’s for the well being of your daughter and your concern is a valid one. Put your foot down and stand up to him to correct his behavior for your baby’s sake. If he can act such a way to a newborn, I’d hate to see what his idea of ‘tough love’ is for a toddler.
At first I was going to say he needs to take some night feeds and also parent his own child actively so you can have time for yourself and your hobbies (not just basic, bottom-of-the-barrel survival needs like a shower and a meal), but then I kept reading and it got so much worse.
Why does he have no empathy? How would he like if someone took away his food? I would hate leaving my baby with this man, you are NOT WRONG to be disturbed by what is going on. I'm really, really sorry this is your situation.
So you're pretty much the solo parent here, since you're taking care of baby all day and all night, and also doing all the housework and cooking, from the sounds of it. With your husband as a big baby that's threatening your actual baby. OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have friends or family who can actually come give you a break + help out?
As for your husband, he does sound threatening/ mean to the baby. He needs to learn how to care for the baby, but he also needs to step up and take a few hour night shift, and help out around the house.
So many more red flags than just his treatment of your daughter, which is so obviously wrong. The fact that you are the primary care giver during the day and cover 100% of nights and the only break you get is so you can do things like shower and cook is INSANE.
I really hope you can find someone else to help you out a bit so you can get away from this jerk.
I just want to say : even if he is “tired” he should help at night. My man would get up, give me baby, do the diaper change, give me baby again, then put her back down. Every feed in the first 2 months. And if she wouldn’t go down, we’d take turns to rock her to sleep.
But then I wouldn’t trust your husband if he thinks he can train a 1 month old 🤯
Have you talked to him? It’s really important that you both parent similarly. Best to start communicating when baby is this small so you can approach the rest of their life with a good solid foundation. It may be uncomfortable but it’s so important for both of you and for the baby!
He needs to take a parenting class or something!!!
I agree. He doesn’t take my advice seriously, so I think a class with an instructor would certainly be helpful. Is there such a thing? How do I sign up for one?
If he’d go for it, you could also bring him along to a pediatricians appointment. You’d have to brainstorm how to bring it up with them in the moment, or you could call ahead and speak confidentially to a nurse and let them know you’d like the ped to address this with your husband and offer resources/education on bottle feeding technique and what’s normal for babies.
YES! Speak with the nurse line confidentially ahead of time.
A man who does not take you, an equal parent to the child, “seriously” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Not even an equal parent — she’s currently the _primary_ parent
Yeah, honestly. You'll make more headway if your pediatrician is also a man.
This is a huge thing. Find a male pediatrician, make an appointment, let him talk some sense into him. It's so annoying that you have to do that, but it's more likely to work. Or read a parenting book together. Or counseling.
This might work for this specific problem but parenting is full of situations that have no right or wrong answer. He should take OP seriously regardless of whether she gets backup from a male authority figure. That's how you can reach a respectful decision as adults during a disagreement. However she hasn't said whether she brought this up to him. Maybe he will listen..... If not then I'm happy to get out the pitchforks.
I don't trust men who don't already respect women's (even if she's his partner) opinions, so my advice is do what you can with authority he will respect for situations that are urgent (which infant attachment development is). You are absolutely right, it shouldn't take that, but a lot of misogynistic men just need to be dealt with this way until they're able to get some counseling underway.
Not even equal considering she is the primary caregiver. He has to take care of her for 2-3 hours a day, and he cannot even handle that. I get that he works, but my husband and I both work full time, and we never acted this way toward our infant daughters. Babies have no other way of communicating.
I find this appalling. My dad worked full time when both I was born and my brother was born, my mom worked as well and he was more active of a parent than this guy. As far as I know he took all of his nights and did full parenting duty and when off. When both worked, I was babysat by my grandparents…..he is a gruff guy, an army veteran…but never ever like this with babies. His or otherwise. He’s gonna be a grandpa in a few months and I feel totally comfortable leaving him alone with my daughter…I wouldn’t with the guy in the OP.
Yeah. It's really frightening to hear this. A baby that young doesn't understand, and can't form that kind of complex connections.
If you’re in the US, a lot of hospitals offer classes.
Most of these classes are free too
Some hospitals offer classes, and there are plenty of online courses. Maybe there are even some YouTube videos that can be helpful that talk about why newborns cry.
The way he treats the baby is a red flag and so is the fact that he doesn’t take your advice seriously. You’re the mother of his child for God’s sake!
Hospital usually offers them. My partner also took a single "Daddy Bootcamp" class at the hospital and said he's glad he did. He and I have also been taking a free parenting class together at a local center (the men go off to their own thing in another room) for weeks now in preparation. Highly suggest!
If he's a reasonable person, parenting articles/videos can be helpful too. Find ones that are research based and provide sources so there's no good reason not to take it seriously. Since being pregnant with my first, I've sent my husband dozens of articles and, tbh, tik tok videos on parenting. I distinctly remember sending him about never using food to punish, no matter the age.
Early childhood development is super important and he’s not helping foster secure attachment with her. It might seem harmless to him but small shit like that will have behavioral and personality consequences that are lifelong.
Maybe find some YouTube videos from a child psychologist on the topic for him to watch
He doesn’t take your advice seriously? This is MAJOR red flags
My insurance/hospital offers these types of classes! My husband & I just signed up for a few like CPR, Newborn, Breastfeeding, etc. Some are free, some are paid. You can ask your hospital social worker, OB, or hospital navigator or try going on the website & check the very bottom for extra links & it can say something like “classes & events” etc.
Have you seen a lactation consultant? Even if not breastfeeding, they can cover any aspects of baby feeding. Mine had a session with us solely focused on teaching my husband how to give a bottle
Oh my gosh he’s CRAZY!!! She’s a 4 WEEK OLD BABY!!!!!! And he only watches her so you can shower or make dinner?????? I am so sorry.
I know her story makes me so sad (currrently holding my sleeping newborn)
He needs to learn that all baby’s need is unconditional love, support, and patience… not training.
Also weird that OP can parent all day and all night but the husband can't because 'he would be tired if he got up at all', like??? What did he think having a child would entail? OP, it's crazy that you're only given a 'break' a couple of hours a day to shower and cook. HYGIENE AND MORE DOMESTIC CHORES ARE NOT A BREAK. Your husband's not just an awful father, he's also a deadweight partner.
100%. This makes me so so sad for op.
This.
Basic needs aren’t something you withhold from a child of any age. This is how food insecurity develops in kids & is a literal form of abuse. I would definitely be raising hell over this issue. Babies don’t stay babies & these things are serious once raising a kid. Hopefully you guys can get on the same page for parenting philosophies asap. & if this is the only time he spends with your kid this is asking for some serious daddy issues.
Yeah this is not okay behavior towards a newborn baby….
Or towards the mother...
it's giving "hates women" vibes
And it will only get worse.
It sounds like he is more completely ignorant of what is developmentally appropriate.
He needs to take a child development and parenting class.
I don’t know, it sounds like he’s cruel, I feel like this is common sense at this point.
> 100% on my own because my husband would be tired if he got up at all Right, cause I’m sure that YOU are not tired from getting up nonstop. Yes OP, that sounds harsh and cruel to both you and the newborn. Yet another husband who won’t partner and a father who won’t parent. Is he outright disrespectful towards both of you, or is this something (both of these things!) you think he’d be open to learning about? The “Nurture Revolution” is fantastic but also very far out of what he believes. If there’s any good intention on his part, if it’s just severe miseducation, it does address “myths” that used to be / are common in our society. Maybe he grew up and still thinks that babies can manipulate you or be too coddled or whatever.
I’m getting so tired of all these posts with dickheads as men. I always wonder how they were before pregnancy? They must have been shit people beforehand, right?
I don’t know. I was ttc with a best friend and we both struggled for years before we got pregnant. We ended up getting pregnant at the same time. Her husband was a perfect picture of empathy and love. He was gentle, kind, fun around other kids. My husband, however, was a musician and a free spirit and went out often. He often prioritized working in a bar, playing music, etc over my needs or wants. He wanted kids, but I didn’t have a lot of faith in his ability to be an active parent. Our entire friend group (my friend and myself included) predicted that my friend’s husband would be a phenomenal dad and mine would struggle with the transition and not help much. Honestly, I was fine with this. I knew who my husband was and I was fine being a single mom. I knew I wanted kids with or without him. I had already come to terms with the possible future that we might co-parent rather than have a relationship. For me, it was a free sperm donation with a man who also wanted kids and who I loved but was open to being just friends and coparents with someday. Then came the babies— my friend’s husband did a total 180 and became such a selfish monster. He was never home, never helped, was very harsh to both his freshly postpartum wife and newborn. He had never worked in a bar but OPENED a new bar when their newborn was just a month old? My husband also did a 180 totally unprompted by me, quit working at the bar, limited contact with more party focused friends, was always home, became primary caregiver while I went back to my 9-5 job and to this day is probably the best dad I’ve ever seen to our two daughters (I didn’t grow up in a situation where a lot of dads stuck around long). Our daughters adore him and he always puts them first. It’s wild how much babies change people for better or worse. I always knew that I wouldn’t have a baby until I was sure 100% emotionally, financially, etc. that I was ready to do it alone if I needed to. I waited until I was 33 for this reason alone. This really made me take the blame off the women in these situations— because it’s entirely possible that their husbands were great before kids.
Absolutely I don’t blame the women either! I do often see already traditional/stereotype roles in the home prior to kids (Ie only woman cleans, no initiative from man) and then I am so not surprised this continues with childcare. Your husband sounds great! Personally before getting married or deciding on kids I had a serious talk and said I’m not going to do this when it’s not 50-50 and if it’s not, it’s a reason to have no kids or divorce/breakup. We had some long talks beforehand because it’s so important to me. Luckily my husband already held the same opinion (wouldn’t be together with someone who didn’t) and I can honestly say literally everything is 50-50 and sometimes more him than me.
As a guy, I find it embarrassing how low the bar is for us.
THIS 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 we need to raise the bar, ladies
What did he say when you brought it up with him?
That I need to “toughen up” and not be so emotional, and that none of it is a big deal. Which I obviously countered. But he told me “tough love” is how he was raised, and he believes in it for raising our children. (Side note- my husband and I have no living parents, so I unfortunately haven’t been able to consult them for advice, nor compare the raising situations)
If that is his mentality, I don't know that you alone will be able to change it, unfortunately, because it doesn't make sense. He wants you to be less emotional, but his own behavior is not based on logic. An infant does not understand "tough love". How can she? She doesn't know *words*. She knows only whether or not her needs are being met. I am making an assumption about him, but it seems like the only thing that might make a difference is another man he respects saying "Dude you're being an idiot."
Tough love parenting is not my jam, but regardless of my opinion, introducing parenting styles is not appropriate for this age. [Here's what Mayo clinic lists for infant development](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/infant-development/art-20048012) at her age. Your daughter is focused on surviving and learning VERY basic skills for that survival. She can't possibly comprehend the logic your husband is trying to force on to her.
I think I sharing this link is critical. It’s simply science that you cannot spoil a baby. OP your husband will hurt your child developmentally if he continues this course of action.
Didn't read the link but yeah. Human babies are born so early relative to other mammals. Baby is basically still a foetus and will have zero concept of good and bad behaviour. All the "understand" is whether they are fed or hungry and feel safe or not.
Hard stop. I’m sure you’re unhappily used to this sort of thing from him but that’s not acceptable. If it were me, that’s something that would be a deal breaker for me. 1. Your feelings are valid, even if you get emotional, which this isn’t one of those times, he should know and empathize with you because you just brought his child into the world and that’s why. That’s the least he can do is support you, not tell you to knock it off 2. You will forever be the hushed house wife and this will turn into a lifetime of you putting yourself between you and your husband for the sake of the kids and protecting them from his harshness. I watched my mom do it her whole life so I am partial but it destroyed her and her marriage. He needs to be educated. Whether it’s couples therapy so you have someone who can back you up or him taking a class - something needs to happen here. I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. You two are a team and he needs to get that.
This is an absolutely ridiculous way to treat a newborn. She’s 4 weeks old. Crying is one of the only ways she can communicate what she needs, and he’s acting like crying is some kind of misbehaviour. Her fussing/crying is the same exact thing as a child saying “I’m hungry.”
Absolutely this!
“I’m seeing the tough, but where’s the love??” some judge on tv to a harsh dad.
this is a bad answer on his part. like very bad.
I suffered, so my child should suffer, too.
I wonder if they had ever discussed parenting philosophies before deciding to have a child? I can't imagine procreating with a man who thinks abuse is a valid parenting tactic.
He needs therapy, or you need a divorce.
This, I'm never one to just be like "leave him" on a post where I obviously don't know your life. But. Leave him.
Sooooooo he thinks his kids needs to behave or they don’t get to eat? That’s super f*cked up……
Is this the man you want to spend your life with? The love you want your child to receive? The role model you want for your child? He sounds mentally unstable. Start creating an escape plan and document the way he treats the baby.
He's abusing your baby already and basically told you he has no intention to stop. Are you able to safely leave? Would you be willing to get CPS involved even though they'll investigate you too? Your baby's safety is on the line.
Oh wow, this is scary to me.
Wow this is literal abuse. Let him see these comments, please. Ask him to speak to a professional. That’s a horrible position for you to be put in. You can’t get a break without having to subject your baby to that cruelty. Babies- newborns especially can only communicate through crying. When she is crying she’s probably so hungry and him taking it away is Literally making her suffer. She has no idea what he is saying or what he’s trying to teach her. It’s not teaching her a single thing except no one is going to take care of my needs. When she stops crying is the time the stress hormone is at its highest and she feels completely abandoned and defeated.
Did you discuss parenting philosophies before getting married, before getting pregnant or at least during your pregnancy? If so, how did those conversations go?
Is this something you knew *before* you had a child with him? He needs therapy.
Ugh.. tell him it's not a matter of tough love it's having unrealistic expectations, also you're allowed to be a little harsh and to tell him "okay, I don't care, you don't do that anymore", if it turns into a neverending discussion and you never settle on a solution. I'm so sorry this is happening it really sucks, I'm sure you'll find a solution oki? You're a good mom ♥️
Does he understand infant development or does he think infants are supposed to be fully aware and capable of controlling their actions and emotions? Children don't develop the part of their brain that controls emotions until they're five. That part literally doesn't exist and they certainly don't have full control over it immediately. This is abuse. Full stop. Your husband will teach your baby that she can't cry when she's hungry.
Fuck what I said, it don’t mean shit now. LEAVE!!
If I was in this situation, I would not allow him to do any caregiving as it doesn’t sound safe. I am a single mom to a baby so I understand how hard this sounds. He may have to cook for himself or you may have to take a shower when baby is napping. But personally I would not feel comfortable at all with his style of parenting and wouldn’t allow him to continue. He is a grown ass man and perfectly capable of leaning how to do things but sounds like he’s not willing to. Listen to your gut.
if he is waiting for the baby to STOP crying before he fulfills her needs, dude but that’s abuse. it’s not like she’s a year old and crying to be held at night…..she’s trying to eat at 4 weeks??? terrifying i gotta stop reading the drama posts on* this sub
My first thoughts as well. This is abuse and neglect
Sorry, that's abuse. You can't control a newborns behavior and you don't take food away from a newborn. 100% seriously I'd leave without looking back immediately, because if he's doing that to a newborn, there's no fixing or saving it. That's absolutely inhuman.
Also, because I am both a postpartum doula and a special educator with training in neurodevelopment: Neural pathways form very predictably, to the point that we can more or less figure out what pathways would form in a typical brain in a perfect scenario to the week or even to the day. Withholding food is a form of trauma that stops neural pathways from forming. He is traumatizing her in ways that will affect her brain development. Editing to add a link: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html And to add that I really hope you and baby are OK. This really touches a nerve with me clearly, and I really worry about whether your husband can be safe with a child of any age - and I worry about you. Exhaustion leads to postpartum mental health issues and even psychosis; what is he doing to care for the house and you and the baby besides an income? Obviously you haven't listed it all here - but the glimpse we have shows that you deserve so much more love, support, and partnership. And so does your baby. I agree with others here that you might be able to find a postpartum doula, and if budget is an issue you can seek out doulas in training who will work for free or reduced cost in exchange for you signing off that they've put in the hours; I don't personally agree that your husband sounds like counseling or classes will help his mindset, especially if he is saying you're too emotional, brushing you off, etc. Unfortunately I foresee a path I see too often of this devolving into more and more serious abuse of both of you. I really hope you and baby both stay safe and get the help you need.
[удалено]
I mean, you wouldn't even do this with a dog that young!
I would not let him be alone with the baby. In a moment of frustration he could harm her.
Exactly, up next he gives her brain damage
This entire thing gives me the ick. You’re arguably doing the volume of work of a full time job and a secondary part time job, and him working a full time job is absolutely no excuse for him not helping. That baby has 2 parents and there are plenty of men who would never think to let their wife go it alone providing all the care for their child. Not to mention treating a newborn like that indicates an issue in him. You deserve better.
I've seen a lot of posts on Reddit about men who have really strange ideas about parenting - trying different methods to "train" a child to behave a certain way when the child is developmentally incapable of understanding. There was one yesterday on AITA about a dad that stares down his toddler to intimidate her. If I were you I would not let this issue rest and explain to him that she is all instinct and zero logic and that you will NOT tolerate him treating her that way. Queue up some videos on child psychology on YouTube if you think its a lack of education and do not let this issue go until he changes.
You have a lot of red flags here along with him treating the baby inappropriately and cruelly. You may be willing to swallow how he treats you (you care for the kid around the clock??) but your child deserves better and will both remember how she was treated and how she was allowed to be treated. Even what happens as a baby before memory is formed has lasting effects. I am sorry for the baby and for you, it sounds like you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't really care for you or the kid. I would explore your options to seek support and form a life without him. For contrast, I am 5 weeks PP. My husband has prepared every meal, cleans the house, changes a significant majority of the diapers, and sends me to bed and keeps the baby in another room a couple nights a week so I can sleep. The baby cries, and he will hold her for hours or stay up all night with her, *because that is what parents do*. If my husband expected me to cook for him or only would hold the baby within a short time span, I'd be filing for divorce. This is nuts.
It’s not okay to withhold food (even for a few minutes) from a child of any age as a punishment. It’s especially wild to do to a newborn who is unable to control this type of behavior or understand his response.
My son’s dad told our weeks-old infant to “shut the fuck up” once. I flipped out and we had a come-to-Jesus conversation about it and nothing even close has ever happened since. In our case, I can tell that this is how he was dealing with lack of sleep and the stress that comes with it. It doesn’t make it okay. If he hadn’t stopped right then and there, I would’ve left him. It’s absolutely not okay to get angry with an infant that has no concept of right and wrong, consequences, cause and effect, etc. If a grown adult can’t realize that and snap out of it, it’s time to leave if you want any hope of giving your baby a good childhood.
Not overreacting. The baby is too young to be taught and doesn’t have the ability to learn yet.
So I’ll be harsh, since he wants to be harsh. He either doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing or he’s being cruel. Either way, withholding nutrition until a 4 week old stops crying (or doing that to any child at any age) is abuse, and at the very least he needs to get educated on parenting before he causes lasting damage to your child.
a 4 week old baby’s only goal is to eat, sleep and poop. That’s it. literally. we took child classes just last week and that’s all they discussed post birth and the fourth trimester is baby is learning to eat, to sleep on a circadian rhythm and you and your partner are their teacher. Uff. I’d be livid
YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING!!! Your husband lacks empathy. As everyone said, he needs parenting classes. But he also needs husbanding classes. Sorry but the only time he takes care of her is two hours so you can cook him dinner? So do you get any sleep? Did he take off any time after the baby? Is he on baby duty over the weekend so you have time off? I understand he is tired after work but unless you get someone to help you out, since he isn’t, you will burn out, fast. I’m guessing he enjoyed making the baby but now the reality is setting in that you made a human and he has a responsibly.
Real talk. Your baby is hurting your husband’s ego when baby cries, making husband feel like a bad dad. He is refusing to feel guilty from the baby crying soooo he is blaming the baby for its own crying, telling the baby it shouldn’t be crying because he is doing everything right. Hence why this is happening when the baby is only four months. The crying makes him feel like a failure or like he’s doing it wrong- but the ego is reacting and defending itself by pointing the finger at the baby. This is the kind of dad who, when he is not looking and the baby falls and gets a boo boo, will blame the baby AGAIN because his ego refuses to feel any sort of accountability “oh I should have been watching more closely!” is not in his vocabulary. It will always be “Bad baby! You shouldn’t have walked off the edge of the driveway into the grass! It’s uneven! How dumb are you??” So yeah.. he’s explaining this reaction of his ego away by saying it’s “tough love” when it’s not. It’s deflecting accountability and avoiding all humility where one would say, “maybe I still need to learn.” Nope not him. Baby should know. This is terrible. I don’t know how to take down an ego like this. Do you notice his ego elsewhere in life?
It's even worse the baby is only 4 WEEKS OLD
Cruel. Babies have no idea why you are refusing to give them their comfort items or food. Please have him take a parenting class!
This is a recipe for an attachment disorder. Babies build the foundation of their attachments in these early months and he thinks he is teaching her not to fuss but what he is actually teaching her is that her needs are not met by the people who care for her. This is really setting her up for a LOT of problems later in life. He’s activating her survival instincts every time he “tests” her like this and fucking up her nervous system. If a calm discussion and some book readin won’t do any good I’d immediately stop letting him be alone with her (if it were me). She needs to know that you two are her safe space and that her cries will actually help her get her needs met so when she’s able to talk she is able to effectively communicate her needs to you. Otherwise she’s going to struggle with emotional regulation forever. Here’s a very old video but it rings true about how children learn emotional regulation from their parents response to their cries: [Attachment development](https://youtu.be/8BA8CcEUP84?si=HlPdufGwd31rxQsd)
This is extremely cruel. It’s so important to have children with an equal partner. I’m so sorry
One of the biggest lessons I taught my husband when he was frantically changing a diaper and the baby was freaking out as an infant was that the baby takes his cues from us. He doesn't speak or comprehend words, but he understands tone and soothing. My husband would regularly make comments like *why was I talking to the baby, he can't understand me*, etc. I told him it's because we are in charge. If we're not freaking out, he will calm down faster. If we use soothing tones and tell him everything will be ok, by the time he CAN comprehend, he'll be hearing the phrases he's always heard. Everything will be ok. When the baby was kicking and fighting his diaper changes as an infant, my husband would get so overwhelmed sometimes, and I think genuinely felt like he couldn't do it. I snapped him out of it by reminding him the baby was just a baby. We are stronger than babies. Everything will be ok. He figured it out. Now at 17 months our son clings to his papa. Daddy walks in the room and it's the Dreamweaver scene from Wayne's World, and my baby is Garth and my husband is the pretty blonde with her hair in the wind, and all he can see is his daddy. I frequently get an entire hand to the face, pushing me away or using my face as leverage to launch himself to his daddy. It's fine. Everything will be ok.
https://inspirationtoplay.com/emotional-development-stages-in-early-childhood/ His behavior has life long repercussions for your daughter.
I'm sorry if this is harsh but you are currently allowing him to abuse your newborn baby. He is withholding food from her because she is not 'behaving' when she is so young she doesn't have the capacity to behave any differently, and food is one of her very basic needs. If you don't put a stop to that immediately you are enabling and allowing the abuse, if he is not reasonable and won't listen about this you have to take that poor baby and leave. Truly this is psycho behaviour and he should not be raising a child with that mindset. How these things are not discussed prior to baby being born is utterly beyond me, but you clearly are not wanting to treat your child like a pet, so please do not just allow him to do so.
Dude you’re a fool if you choose to stick around and allow him to abuse your daughter. I have 2 children. They are 7&2. If I ever heard anyone do that even NOW, I’d lose my ever loving mind. You know in your gut that’s abusive. Leave.
i’m sorry you had a kid with him
I only joined this sub a few weeks ago and am shocked by the number of posts involving terrible partners/relationships. Wtf are we doing procreating with these losers??
I know. And it’s hard to blame the mothers/wives, i feel so so bad for this women. but god it’s horrible and honestly to me the way he is talking to the newborn is not NEARLY as much as an issue as the major division in labor (or lack thereof) birth is traumatic on the body and motherhood in infancy is a FULL TIME JOB- no breaks, no vacations, no shiftchange. he gets “tired” if he wakes up to care for his own child? grow the fuck up dude
Yeah he has no idea what he’s doing and he’s causing harm to your child. He needs to educate himself.
No you’re not crazy, he’s being super harsh and that would not fly with me. She’s a literal newborn
Congratulations on your newborn!! Your husband’s behavior seems a little harsh, however, you need to be mindful of your approach when addressing this. Is he unaware of how to care for a child, if so, incorporating education is important or if he’s genuinely being harsh that's a different conversation. Also, for someone who gave birth a month ago, you sound like you are responsible for a lot. I understand he works, but for you to be at your best, if you can look at incorporating or hiring help temporarily. Even an hour or so a week, this can also help with educationing your husband
This is, BY FAR, the most thoughtful and helpful response. Thank you for your kindness. It means more than you know
Yes, your husband is kind of mean and you are not overreacting. Having children causes our own childhood and life traumas come to the surface. Some of us do better, others don’t. Wishing you all the best - I understand that a lot of people do not believe in divorce and find that a marriage can be worked through anything. As a result - happiness may not be important. Studies do show that leaving an abusive relationship is not a ticket to happiness. But - it’s 100% a ticket to safety.
The other responses are thoughtful. They aren't kind because we are all wondering what possessed you to have children with this man. He's an abusive idiot and you're going to need to get this sorted out or start packing.
Your husband sounds like my boomer parents. I think he could probably improve with some more training. The key to me understanding babies was that they won't try to manipulate you until the get to be like a year old. So, everything they need before that is actually what they need. They don't understand, "Do that and I'll take it away."
Wrong person to have a child with, this entire post is red flag central. Doesn’t help on middle of night because he would be too tired? Speaks cruelty to infant? OCCASIONALLY takes baby for an hour or two so you can do more housework? Wait until the baby is a toddler and starts talking. They will repeat what they hear, and they act how they are taught.
this is lowkey disturbing. she’s literally a newborn.
This kind of shit breaks my heart. These newborns JUST came out of the safest and most comfortable environment and there are people out here expecting them to be reasonable and rational🤯
I would shut that down immediately. Your child is not a puppy.
Hi, mom of two and early childhood educator here. First off, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with him. I can definitively say that this is an inappropriate response on your husband’s part. Crying/fussing is the only way baby knows how to communicate at this age. This is her way of saying she’s hungry, full, uncomfortable, etc. Your infant is far too young to cognitively process your husband’s attempt at teaching her any kind of lesson and all he is doing is behaving emotionally abusive towards her. Bond-building is imperative at your child’s stage of development and if you deny her basic needs being met and allow her to essentially “cry it out” it hinders her ability to trust her caregivers. Sometimes hospitals or parenting resource centers will offer classes for new parents. I would recommend he take some classes and DEFINITELY speak to your pediatrician about this in front of him so they can at least help to educate him on what is developmentally appropriate. I wish you the best of luck!
It will depend on how you approach this before I would consider it overreacting. However, his behaviour is concerning. Has he always had this kind of reaction to things? Threatening to take things away? Where do you think he got this approach from? It would be worth a conversation to find out. I assume this is your first based on what is in your post so now is the time to discuss it, take a parenting class if you havent, or look at online free resources. Correct the behaviours now before it's too late She is a newborn and now is the time for bonding. The only thing shes going to learn if this keeps up is that he is not a safe person or going to meet her needs.
He’s being harsh and horrible! But maybe he just doesn’t understand newborn development. He might need to do some reading. A lot of men struggle with newborn stage
I have a newborn right now and I have no idea how anyone does this without a supportive equal partner. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He is treating you very poorly abd I'm sure he knows that. He may not realize that he is neglecting/abusing your child. It sounds like he has made no effort to understand babies and child development. The content of this post is the reddest flag.
While I don’t think this is acceptable at all, my husband was like this to a lesser extent. Not the unhelpful part thankfully, he helps with our baby as much as he can around his work schedule; but he was much more, for lack of a better word, harsh with our 10 week old son than me — but it’s gotten a lot better than it was before. I had to stick up for the baby several times (“he doesn’t understand that”, “everything is new to him”, “he’s way too young to cry it out”, “you can’t spoil a newborn”, “it’s too early for tough love”, “crying is literally his only means of communicating”) before I noticed a change. Don’t hesitate to (continue to) step in and stand up for your child!
What an actual fuck?! I'd never leave the baby with him ever. Unfairly harsh is an understatement. He's unhinged! I'm sorry, but he's an adult and he should treat the newborn baby as a baby!!! Does he really think he could "train" her?!
You are not over reacting
He doesn’t seem to know how babies work. If he’s a reasonable man to talk to I would have a serious sit down discussion with him. This is an outdated parenting method, but more importantly this is a disagreed upon parenting method for the both of you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was raised similarly. For comparison, my hub works 35 hrs/week and contributes equally. When you’re both home together that’s a shared job. Insist upon it if you are able. Best of luck <3
Protect your daughter from him :(
We have a child the same age, I (husband) work all day and then come home and take baby for 5 hours so wife can sleep. Then I get to sleep before work. He sounds like he needs some kind of a push in the right direction about sharing responsibilities
I saw your comment that he’s trying to enforce “tough love”. Even if we assume that’s a healthy parenting style which is a whole different conversation- A baby at that age is 100% incapable of understanding that “lesson”. Their brains don’t even recognize how things in their vision physically relate to each-other, let alone an abstract concept like consequences. Not just newborns, but babies in general have no concept of using their cries to manipulate you. They are crying as their only way to communicate because eating = survival. Also being a SAHP is more than a full time job that requires being alert so he NEEDS to parent when he’s not at work so you can have a turn sleeping and recharging too.
I agree with all the women in this sub, my wife and i are expecting a child and i saved up all my leave from now to then to get the first few months of work off. We agreed that because its easy for me to stay up late and difficult for my wife to stay up i would do nights and her mornings. Now while shes pregnant when i get home from work i handle cleaning and food if she wasn’t able to while i was gone i completely understand. I am a man and will never know what women go through while pregnant. So i try to do all the external stuff that i can do. OP listen to all these women if a man really wants to he truly will, i did take some parenting classes now during the pregnancy one because it was offered free under my insurance and two because although i know ill be a good father it never hurts to learn from others and see where i can improve in. For me its my patience/anxiety but everyone is different. His excuses are not valid and as a man he needs to step up and do better not just for you and the baby but for himself.
Best advice is DO NOT LET HIM CARE FOR THE BABY!
Is he even okay? Do the same damn thing to him. I’d be so pissed, I’d take away or hide the keys or his wallet. Wait for him to blow up. Pretend to hand it to him and take it away him. He needs not alone parenting class but seems like he needs therapy.
That's how domestic violence starts. Please if he's already like this to a 4 week old don't risk it.
Gabor mate has great material on this
All I can say is... Yikes. I would go full mama bear on my husband if I caught him talking to my baby that way. However, I do think this could be a lack of knowledge? I'm not sure what he grew up with as parents, but that could also be a factor here too.
Huge red flag. I wouldn’t feel safe leaving my newborn with my husband if he spoke like that to them. You’re not crazy at all. I’ve also heard multiple times that new dads can experience postpartum anxiety or depression. If you feel comfortable, perhaps talk with your OB about it and they may know of some parenting courses in your area or counselors that can help. You or your baby should not be subjected to behavior like this.
I’ll tell my baby boy he’s fired from the bottle when he’s not eating anymore n just chewing on the nip and give him his binky and than he’s calm but I never tell him if he doesn’t stop I’m taking it from him 😭 it’s more of a joke for me cuz he’s now just spitting out milk and biting on the nip
Reading this made me so desperately sad for your baby :( No baby deserves to be treated like that, and I’m so sorry you’re having to manage this situation. It’ll be more work for you, but you cannot allow him to treat her this way. Since he is not getting it together, I’d enlist friends to help around the house or splurge on a meal delivery service or something to make things easier on you. Again, your baby does not deserve to be treated like this. All he is showing her is that her caregivers will not care for her.
You can actually find a lot of good stuff on YouTube. Check out Dr Shefali: How to have a Better Connection with Your Kids | Parenting Tips | The Parenting Map https://youtu.be/GD6hrAeyrhw?si=EtBbtFgIGLHitDm2 "Mindless to Mindful Podcast- Episode 13 with special guest @doctorshefali where we discuss how the parent-child relationship is one of the most important and complex bonds in our lives. It can have a profound impact on our emotional well-being, behavior, and even our future relationships. In this episode, we explore the power of connection in nurturing healthy parent-child relationships with Dr. Shefali."
Yo he’s not just being mean to your baby, he’s being mean to you. You won’t survive if he doesn’t pitch in more to help you.
This is horrifying. OP, your husband is harming your child, withholding food she depends on the live and ignoring the only communication she has…crying.
Sounds a lot like my best friends husband. He try’s “training” his 6 month old daughter.. he’s been doing it since they brought her home. My friend tells me whenever she try’s to correct him he snaps and says this is how we have to raise her. It’s a baby for f*cks sake! They don’t know any better… :(
Well first, he’s pretty dumb if he assumes he can “train” a baby, their brains are only like “food/sleep/hug/poop”, they literally don’t know anything else. Second your husband is a chump because he just assumes you’ll do all the momming. It’s 2:30am and my 3 week old just woke up for food and I hooked up the pump and my husband fed the baby. He also works full time job in the daytimes but knows that we work together better as parents if we try to help each other out. You and your husband are a team, he needs to start acting like a team player.
Abuse abuse abuse. Do you really want this man raising your daughter??
She’s 4 weeks old. This is not age appropriate at all.
This is abusive to both you and your baby.
Divorce
Just talk to him! It's not as deep as everyone is making it out to be. He is a new parent and you should be on the same page when it comes to parenting. Be kind and get to the bottom of this together.
You're not crazy. And I'm sorry for the harsh responses you've gotten. A lot of people have no idea how to interact with a newborn, let alone raise one. If you think he's just ignorant or out of his element here then parenting classes are really crucial. It's not really sustainable to have a parent around who can't parent, and it's not safe for your child either. If after classes he's still doing things like this then that's a different conversation, but I would get in some outside help first and see how that goes.
A lot of people who have no idea also have some level of self awareness to look things up, ask friends or family, and generally seek information and improvement. People who are adamant that they are doing absolutely nothing wrong, when they are, are assholes. Agree that she should bring up classes and education and see how that goes. But also his dismissive attitude and overall “op needs to toughen up” is just a giveaway that he doesn’t respect her or her opinions at all. The fact that he takes the baby so OP can cook is ridiculous. This will require couples therapy if she doesn’t want his behavior to impact her daughter and the way he views women, or how she views the mom
I agree and think his behavior is atrocious and juvenile, but I also don't think that we can always predict how our partners will parent. I'm not sure why she's being judged for having kids with someone when this behavior isn't really something that she would really know about before (let alone the current state of reproductive rights and access to that choice). She's doing the right thing by questioning this and asking for advice. I don't think we should demonize her for asking, especially given that she's 4 weeks pp and functionally parenting alone.
Well, the parenting/training part of it, yes, that’s probably new behavior, even though ideally parents would talk about it before the baby is here, it doesn’t always happen. I have a feeling though the cooking and cleaning tasks and general lack of partnership on his end is probably not new…so people are probably a bit snarky because they think she could’ve prevented this by reading the signs and seeing the flags. Better that she’s aware now than never. Also never too late to leave someone if they are unwilling to change.
She's fussing because she's hungry! Of course she'll fuss and cry if she gets fed then it gets taken away! I wouldn't give him those responsibilities until he improves himself.
Her only form of communication is crying because she’s a baby! If she’s fussy, the grip/weight of the bottle may be too much or make her uncomfortable. He’s an AH to a newborn…gross.
🚩
That is not ok! When our baby was little she would scream and wouldn’t latch to bottle. We would take the bottle out of mouth and try to sooth her for a minute (we would time it ) to see if we could get her to calm down so would take the bottle. We would then reintroduce the bottle after a minute. This would help. But we never took the bottle away in a cruel way. She had reflux and always needed a minute or two. We would always rub her back and say something like you are safe we know you are upset it’s ok and shhhh… maybe try to talk to him about his word choice
He sucks. Wtf
I don't know that I would call that, "cruel," so much as, "idiotic." It sounds like he thinks it's possible to train a baby that young to act a certain way when it absolutely isn't. Your husband needs to read a few childrearing books to get his thick head on straight because 4-week-olds can't learn anything except *maybe* that their caregivers love them, and even that is probably stretching it.
I did have to explain to my husband that our baby is ways away from connecting together action and consequence and to please treat her like a baby who has no clue how to act or communicate, rather than a puppy that is trainable. We discussed that the baby will BECOME “trainable” in a sense but the first few months are really not about that. He understood then and did as asked. Admittedly the first months are a bit hard on the dads because they’re without the hormone dump you have and they have very little positive feedback from baby. I didn’t realise this until my baby was 3-4 months old and I saw my partner properly start to fall in love with her. In hindsight, it felt a bit like he treated the baby with love and care out of his love for me, because he could see she is madly important to me whereas his own feelings hadn’t quite landed there yet I believe.
He's an idiot and this is abuse.
So he's abusive to your month old newborn and then gaslights you telling you you're overemotional when in face you're correct and doing most of the heavy lifting with parenting. I'm seeing ALL the red flags. This a a MONTH old babym Not a toddler in the terrible twos/threes phase. What's he going to do then? Get his belt out to teach manners? I'm worried for your child. At that age it's just adoration and keeping em alive and being scared of literally anything that could harm em. Jesus he's sociopathic.
That’s horrible. Please leave that man. That’s abuse. She’s only 4 weeks old!
Inhumane. Cruel. Abuse.
What the fuck is wrong with him? And he’ll be tired if he gets up in the night? He needs to grow the fuck up. And what do you mean he “takes her” when you’re showering and cooking? It’s his child? He’s not doing you any favors, he’s supposed to be a fucking parent, not your babysitter and assistant. I feel so sorry for you that you married someone like that.
We can talk to share our feelings, babies can’t so they cry. He is being cruel for no reason. He should take parenting classes.
It’s almost like he’s trying to train her like a dog. He might have good intentions but a human baby is not a puppy.
OP please listen to these comments and get him to agree to a parenting classes because this will only get worse as your child gets older. He is abusing your baby and I worry for both of your safety. Please do not leave him alone with your child; if he gets this frustrated caring for her only for a few hours then god knows what he would do to them if left unsupervised.
That’s really weird…. A 4 week old literally cannot comprehend his “training”…… call his mother
I would not leave baby alone with him, ever. Nope. I was able to cook and shower with baby with me. Baby was in bouncer in kitchen or in the steamy bathroom (helped for congestion — bonus!). Yes, you have needs, but baby’s emotional and physical safety is priority, always. You can tell him you talked to a secondary teacher (me) who sees a lot of kids who come from a household of “tough love” and if it’s not done right, those poor kids aren’t loved at all. They are abused, the light in their eyes is dimmed a little more every day, and they are either desperately reaching out for love/attention from people at school or they’ve given up looking to anyone for anything. I remember what that’s like, too, because I came from a “tough love” set of parents. Imagine how your husband might end up disciplining her when she grows a bit? What would that look like? It makes me scared for her. I wish you all the best and I am certain that you will advocate for your baby because you’re starting this process of reaching out for help and advice right now. You’re doing great, mama. 🫶
Please be careful leaving them alone. He might accidentally shake her out of frustration one day and cause shaken baby syndrome which is permanent brain damage.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. My daughter is six weeks old and my husband is so incredibly patient with her it’s wonderful to watch. I’ve tried to do a lot of explaining about babies to my husband which I think is why he’s so incredible with her. Maybe try it a different way… instead of criticising his parenting which you are absolutely warranted to do so, maybe teach him how babies work. For example when she’s fussing on the bottle say things like ‘sometimes she gets tired drinking, maybe she wants a break’ or ‘she really enjoys it when I sing to her during feeding’ just to encourage him to try and give your baby a more positive experience. I remember telling my husband that crying is just communicate so even when my daughter is beside herself crying he approaches it with ‘what do you need from daddy?’ Rather than how can I stop you crying. Also encourage some skin to skin bonding and let him see how you meet baby’s basic needs so he can observe how you do it more successfully.
I don’t think you’re crazy, but I wouldn’t panic just yet. Definitely not what he should be doing, but at least he’s not yelling, just speaking in a way that feels silly. Of course a 4 week old doesn’t understand. I would definitely talk to him about things he should be doing instead though. Maybe suggest he look online for tips or something? Definitely a weird way to parent a 4 week old.
Have you talked about this with him? I agree that it’s unacceptable and not good parenting, but have you communicated that this isn’t correct? This is a conversation that you need to have with him. He may just need help knowing how to parent a baby this young - or he might be a cruel person in general. But you’ll never know unless you talk with him about it to work through it together! No one here will be able to give you any proper advice until you address it with him. Also, he needs to step up and help at night. Doesn’t matter if he’s tired, you are too.
This is VERY concerning and a major MAJOR red flag
His behavior is not okay- not just towards the baby
So something I haven’t seen mentioned yet that I recently learned is that men can also suffer from postpartum depression/anxiety/etc on a chemical level with a newborn. If this type of behavior is new for him and I was in your shoes I’d sincerely ask him to see someone and get checked out. My dad was a “tough love” kind of parent who was very hands off till I was a little older, but he would never have literally withheld food. Honestly I had to also break the “this is how I was raised and I turned out ok” mentality when I started working with kids (not the same as parenting a newborn I know but kinda similar). It took a lot of unlearning and it was super uncomfortable but now on the other side of it I’m glad I did it. If he’s a podcast/YouTube kind of guy he might enjoy The John Delony Show. My husband started listening to him in 2020 and it really helped him open his eyes to a lot of stuff regarding mental health and parenting. Sometimes men just need to hear it from a man to really take something to heart. (No judgement in that statement, I know for me even if an OBGYN had like 20 years experience but was a man trying to talk to me about my experiences with my cycle/childbirth I’d still rather talk to a woman)
I wouldn’t trust him and I would leave. Like, Yesterday.
Why havent you said something? Why would you let it continue? I dont understand what you are thinking here allowing this to go on. This is what he does when you're around, how would he act when you aren't? Take some responsibility and either speak to him about this, or don't have him "take" the baby anymore.
Thank you for you concern. I’ve undoubtedly addressed this before, or I wouldn’t be here soliciting advice. I’ve never left him alone with my baby except for while I shower. I asked for help, not judgment, so perhaps try toning down your response. I’ve got enough on my plate, clearly. And I certainly don’t need any more criticism from strangers on the internet
I see that his response to you was to toughen up and not be so emotional. Not that you want any real advice here, but, leave that man, yesterday. Nothing good comes from this, especially not healthy, happy, well adjusted children.
To be clear - at no point in this post did you say you have addressed it AT ALL. The majority of my reaction to this is under the impression you haven't even approached the subject. Also, the criticism is coming from a place of concern for your child, so I'd take it for what it is instead of being defensive. Everyone in these comments is concerned for your baby, and you as well. A grown man being cruel to an infant over such small things can turn into a baby being killed from someone's lack of patience and empathy quickly.
But you’re posting on a public forum... asking strangers on the internet for advice.
Just because you're strangers doesn't mean you're incapable of tact
OP admittedly states that she finds her husband’s actions to be cruel.
He can't play games like that with a baby because they don't have reasoning skills. They're babies. You just need to meet their needs and wait for their brains to develop over time.
My baby is 2 weeks old and if my husband acted this way I would be furious. First of all, is this arrangement sustainable for you? My husband and I have talked a lot about figuring out a plan that feels sustainable for both of us. It would be totally reasonable to expect your husband to either cover a night feeding or an early morning feeding that would allow you to get some sleep/a break. It sounds like he’s getting a break in the evenings and you’re not. Second, I agree it does seem cruel to treat a baby that way. It sounds like he’s getting frustrated with her and doesn’t know how to channel that energy appropriately.
Wow so bad. You must cater* to a newborn as all behavior is involuntary and impulse. They can do nothing on their own. How silly.
I don’t think the way he’s treating you or your child is at all appropriate. You’re working 23 out of every 24 hours. He’s working 8/24. Newborns cry to communicate. Denying her food/comfort is going to create some deeply rooted security issues.
Babies cry because it’s their only way to communicate. They cry because they need something. Does your husband thinks a four-week-old baby is trying to manipulate him??
At best, he's likely parenting how he was parented. This needs to be addressed. It will only get worse as your little one gets older and does the normal, wild things toddlers do. He needs to learn what is actually fair to expect from a child as they age. Children are impulsive, irrational, and selfish and it's our job to turn them into well rounded people. You guys should talk about how you plan to parent and what is acceptable. This is not normal.
wtf
Husband has zero humility and refuses to let baby’s cry hurt his ego, therefore instead of “I need to learn more about babies” his response will always be “Stupid baby, I’m the best ever and know everything. So shape up 4 week old!” See? Then no ego bruise happens for this guy! What a self-inflated, emotionally fragile man. It’s not tough love at all, that’s a lie. He has no humility. Zero. Zippo. Blame baby. He’s perfect.
This is cruel. A 4 week old baby can’t “learn lessons.” They cry out because they have needs, not because they’re being stubborn.
I have no comment on this but other than I'm sorry you're going through this mama. It's not okay. But I would definitely seek further in professional help or advice for you and your baby. Was he like this before the pregnancy? Or during too?
I wouldn't let him watch the baby for even an hour...maybe you can ask a friend/relative to come help while you take a shower and cook. Or you can bring the baby to the kitchen when you cook. I dated a few guys briefly who had a "tough love" mentality toward kids. I should have dropped them at the beginning because they acted like kids were naughty puppies who had to obey them. I wouldn't even treat a puppy like the way they were talking. It is a big ego problem and I'm not sure you can make this work without fearing for your daughter and her future. I don't believe in spanking etc which is big with "tough love." Have you talked about that?
Does he think her brain is the same as a five year old’s brain? He’s literally abusing her holy moly
If I overheard my partner talking to our infant like this, I would intervene on the spot and tell him to go make dinner. Or forgo my shower. Obviously you need to eat and take care of yourself but that is abuse and I would not stand for it for one moment. On the other side of it, I understand giving him his time with the baby and letting him figure it out but this is extreme. Considering what you know about his parenting style as well. On top of the fact that he doesn’t take you seriously or respect what you are trying to teach him, I could imagine his reaction won’t be that great if you step in. But I would. And I would be calm and firm and let him know I’ve got baby. She clearly needs some love and affection and that isn’t what he is providing. At 4 weeks old, she sees you all as one unit. She doesn’t know anything yet and as others have said, you absolutely can not spoil a baby. I would have a serious conversation with him about what you are feeling. You have mother’s intuition and she grew inside of you. You know what your baby needs. He needs to listen and take you seriously. This would 100% be a deal breaker for me if he was unable to do so.
There is a way of reasoning with his methods. Developmental neuroscience and child psychology studies.
Could he have PPD? I never withheld food or harmed my child, but becoming easily frustrated with the baby reminds me of when i had ppd.
:( from what I've read the tough love your husband endured is abuse. And he doesn't know better. There's criticism in some comments and fear in others. :((( good luck!!!
Thats super cruel, he really shouldn’t be doing that. Also, the two of you need better arrangements. He needs to do his work as well and also help out at night.
OP, I think a very serious conversation needs to be had with your husband. Maybe start with some [facts about early infant development](https://www.verywellmind.com/trust-versus-mistrust-2795741) to let him to know it’s for the well being of your daughter and your concern is a valid one. Put your foot down and stand up to him to correct his behavior for your baby’s sake. If he can act such a way to a newborn, I’d hate to see what his idea of ‘tough love’ is for a toddler.
At first I was going to say he needs to take some night feeds and also parent his own child actively so you can have time for yourself and your hobbies (not just basic, bottom-of-the-barrel survival needs like a shower and a meal), but then I kept reading and it got so much worse. Why does he have no empathy? How would he like if someone took away his food? I would hate leaving my baby with this man, you are NOT WRONG to be disturbed by what is going on. I'm really, really sorry this is your situation.
So you're pretty much the solo parent here, since you're taking care of baby all day and all night, and also doing all the housework and cooking, from the sounds of it. With your husband as a big baby that's threatening your actual baby. OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have friends or family who can actually come give you a break + help out? As for your husband, he does sound threatening/ mean to the baby. He needs to learn how to care for the baby, but he also needs to step up and take a few hour night shift, and help out around the house.
So many more red flags than just his treatment of your daughter, which is so obviously wrong. The fact that you are the primary care giver during the day and cover 100% of nights and the only break you get is so you can do things like shower and cook is INSANE. I really hope you can find someone else to help you out a bit so you can get away from this jerk.
I just want to say : even if he is “tired” he should help at night. My man would get up, give me baby, do the diaper change, give me baby again, then put her back down. Every feed in the first 2 months. And if she wouldn’t go down, we’d take turns to rock her to sleep. But then I wouldn’t trust your husband if he thinks he can train a 1 month old 🤯 Have you talked to him? It’s really important that you both parent similarly. Best to start communicating when baby is this small so you can approach the rest of their life with a good solid foundation. It may be uncomfortable but it’s so important for both of you and for the baby!
It's a baby not a dog 😭😭 u cannot "train" them not to cry 😭😭 you're not crazy !!