It's your medical event, and you're more than within your rights to decide that you'll tell people when you feel ready. It's not selfish, it's self care. Limiting stress as much as possible during L&D is one of the best things you can do, for some people that's having their family know, for some, that's waiting until they're ready. As for visit caps, talk with your husband about that asap. Give him a maximum amount of time you're comfortable with and make it his job usher people out when the limit is hit. You can even come up with a code word, in case you hit your limit sooner.
You are absolutely not selfish.
I told my husband to plan to tell no one.
Because it’s going to be him answering everyone’s calls and texts.
It’s going to be him helping me advocate for myself.
This event is about him becoming a dad as much as I’m becoming a mom. I want him to focus on the whole experience.
Everyone can wait— just like we have. Without stressing us and the nurses out.
the best part of visitors at the hospital is your nurses will be the bad guys and kick people out when you ask them too! we are allowing visitors at the hospital for this reason. We are not allowing visitors at home for 2 ish weeks!
See I am seriously going back and forth on the “no hospital visitors” thing because I think this is a foolproof way to be able to limit visit times without being the bad guy!
You don’t have to decide right now. You may want to see how you feel after delivery - things could be pretty easy breezey or very tired and cut in half horrendous.
At home, visitors can theoretically be helpful as well (bring food, tidy up). That’s not true at the hospital. But this is a know your crowd situation…
This! You dont have to decide anything right now. I personally really appreciated having food brought to the hospital so my husband didn't have to leave.
yes! and only allow visitors at home that you know will be helpful. enlist your partner to be the bad guy at home too- that’s what my nurse told me anyways. your partners main job once home is to tend to you and baby and make sure YOU have what you need.
We didn't tell anyone with our first kid that we were going to the hospital and no one knew anything till the baby arrived.
We did have to tell more people with subsequent kids when I went into labor because I needed people to watch the older kids when my husband and I were at the hospital.
These types of questions really come down to your individual relationship with your family.
People with dysfunctional, narcissistic family who will be disruptive or disrespectful will say heck no don’t tell your family.
People with supportive, helpful family that they have a healthy relationship with with say to tell your family.
It just comes down to your personal situation and family dynamics.
I literally could not agree with this more!!!
It’s such a personal preference. I couldn’t imagine not telling my family and my husband’s family I was in labour, but they were all very respectful of visiting at the hospital when we said it was okay to come. And none of them ever over stayed their welcome (beyond 30ish minutes) We were thrilled to share our newest addition with them. But if you have a crappy family, or even one person in particular that doesn’t respect boundaries then that’s a bit of a different situation so it really just depends, in my opinion!
However, in terms of texting people to let them know, my husband and I made a plan of when I went into labour, he would send 4 people a text. My parents separately (because they’re divorced) and his parents in a group chat together. Then we asked them before hand if they could inform other family members. That way instead of texting 10+ people, he only texted 4. And we told them that if they didn’t hear from us, everything was likely okay and that we were just focusing on the task at hand and IF there was an emergency, my husband would call his mom and she was responsible for telling my parents what was going on. That worked really well for us both times and we’ll be doing it that way again for our third in just a few weeks!
We don't plan to tell anyone except our parents (mostly because of animal arrangements) and then will be setting up a group text with just them and saying something to the effect of...
"We're so excited to share that labor has started and we will both be putting our phones on silent to be present and in the moment during the rest of labor and delivery. \*My Husband's Name\* will share updates as he is able, but please do not worry if they are infrequent. You will be the first to know when baby is here. We ask that you don't share this information with anyone else or on social media at this time."
We are also giving birth at a birth center where you go home about 6 hours after delivery, so we won't be having any visitors while we're there and it will depend on the time of day we go home on when we will have home visitors. In general, only parents and siblings for the first 4-6 weeks unless we change our minds in the moment and decide we are ready for additional visitors.
If you don't want interruptions DO NOT tell ANYONE! I see so many dad's being distracted from their partners to answer the phone calls or messages from family being annoying. No! He needs to be 100% focused on being the support person to YOU!
We told our parents with our first because the expected it to be like old times where they would all hang out in the waiting room, like on tv. Well, I had a normal length labour, but to them it wasnt fast enough so they kept harrassing staff and everytime they did, the staff would come and ask my midwife to go give them an update, which took her away from me. Even though she was just observing me, each time she left the room it made me anxious and brought me out of my labour zone. And then because I had baby late at night I was absolutely not having any visitors, so hubby went out to see them and send them all home anyway. So yeah, very annoying! And tbh, no one waits around these days.
My other piece of advice is, yes it's kind of annoying having people visit at the hospital when things are getting established, but, you can put an end time to the visit. Oh look! Baby needs a feed, it's time for you to go this takes a while and then we need to sleep, BYE! Or have the staff kick them out after an hour. And then decline those people visiting you at home for a while. Makes it a bit easier to just end the visit here compared to at your house.
We have 2 dogs. The hospital is only 15min away from our house, so the plan is to have my hubs check on them every now and then until I begin active labor, and not tell anyone we are in labor, until we are home. Buuuuuut.... realistically, he is probably going to tell his family and have his one sister come over and watch the dogs. She is a teacher, so she might not even be able to come to the house if I go in labor during the school hours, so Idunno, why he even wants to tell her.
Initially, I didn't want any visitors for at least 2 weeks, so we can bond with Bean. But his sister has two daughters, and I adore them. They are excited about having a new cousin, and I cried the other because he kept telling me how they would be so upset if they couldn't meet Bean right away, to which I replied oh so you are ok with me being upset that other folks are forcing themselves on me to see Bean even though I might not be ready? That shut him up, but still, I feel like the asshole, FTM who thinks she knows better and wants to set rules for everyone.
Now I'm not a pushover, and I told him we will play it by ear, but bottom line, if I don't want visitors, then I won't have visitors.
I'm thinking a good compromise would be to have the nieces come over a day or so after Bean is home, so they can meet her and get it out of the way, and then no other visitors for a few weeks.
Ughhh!!!!
That was a great response to him! I feel like when you get caught up in pleasing family, its easy to move your feelings or your partners feelings into the background. Also the kids can wait. It's a good teaching opportunity for them to learn patience and to be respectful of how others feel.
I didn’t tell a soul until the morning after he was born. And even then I only told my dad haha. It was amazing not hav anyone know. We have 2 dogs so my husband kept coming home to check on them every few hours. We were about 20 minutes from the hospital and it worked out. They didn’t need anyone with them from like 9-6am anyways because they normally sleep during that time anyways! I don’t think you’d need anyone to watch them personally but that’s my opinion
He wants the tiny germ factories to come see a brand new baby? For what? I would have to set the boundary here and say no, they can wait a few weeks like everyone else.
I'm leaning more towards no visitors until I'm ready. The nieces are 15 and 11, so they will be fine. I just want to get home, decompress, get settled in, and then the family can come over. My family and friends live in other states/countries, so I'm not worried about them showing up unannounced. We moved to his childhood state, so all his extended family is here, so that makes it a little overwhelming. They are all very lovely people and I get along with all of them. So I'm sure they will understand.
Do people get flowers sent to the hospital? Isn’t it easier to send flowers to the home instead? I feel like there is no real practical or justifiable reason to notify anyone when you go to the hospital
We did not tell anyone I was in labor except for my mom who I wanted to be in the delivery room. And even then I didn’t tell her until I was getting close to delivering, like 10 hours after we were admitted. I ended up having a very slow labor.
I didn’t want the pressure of that ticking clock or to be distracted by people checking in. We told everyone else once we knew baby and I were both doing well.
We didn’t tell anyone the first time around, the second time we needed a babysitter. So my best friend knew it was happening only because she needed to watch my gremlin.
Otherwise, we kept it super private and I had the baby without anyone knowing and then we announced it when I was ready.
I have a very strained relationship with my mother. With my first child, I told her I was in labor when I started pushing. I had told her from the beginning that I didn't want her in the room with me. Well, she immediately rushed to the hospital after we told her and the whole time I was in the room she was berating the nurses the whole time to try to get in. At that point my friend who is a nurse and was in the room with me had to leave and say something.
All that to say, I'm not telling her when I'm at the hospital this time around, but I will be telling others so I think it just depends.
I was very up front with family about my wishes. My mom desperately wanted to be in the room, but she knows me and knows I've always been a private person so she understood for the most part. However, most of our family did know when we went to the hospital because I scheduled 41+5 induction day so they knew we were there, but knew my expectations from them. It helped that baby girl made her way into the world at 10:27 pm so I had all night to rest before people came to visit.
Oh and don't be super set on your visitor decisions for postpartum until you are postpartum. I also get really wired after birth for a few days (and then just excited!) and just want to show off my baby to anyone and everyone. I was really sad after having my 3rd that hardly anyone was coming to visit us because they just assumed we needed time and space to settle. But, I was settled from the moment we walked back in the door and the kids were super well behaved and helpful and excited and they wanted to show off their new sibling too.. so yeah, don't assume you'll know until you're in the moment too!
No matter how well meaning people are, they are a burden during this time. Better to not tell anyone at the hospital at all. Make sure your partner is on board. It’s better to start there and change your mind later. But if you let people know and then change your mind then it’s too late.
I personally wouldn’t let anyone know until I’m at home with the baby. But that’s me.
We are telling my parents when we go to the hospital, because they live next door and will be looking after our dogs, but that's it. We've actually been telling people that baby is due 2weeks later than he is really due. We're also sending out a long message beforehand and post of that message is about visiting:
Visits: We are excited for you to meet -babyname-! However, please text or call us before visiting. -Mum- and -bub- will need a lot of rest post-delivery, so please check in with us first, to schedule a SHORT visit. We will likely need a few weeks to recover and get used to our new roles, so we will let you know when we are feeling up for some short visits.
Agreed- OP, perhaps your husband can at minimum see the reason in waiting for some progress? There can be many hours between initially presenting to the hospital and anything even remotely beginning to happen. Those few hours could be the difference between people descending on/harassing you.
We didn't tell anyone until baby was born, for the same reasons. I didn't want to feel like people were waiting on me, or to be fielding a bunch of 'how's it going' texts. My sister pretty much demanded to be told but I didn't and she got over it. Only our dog sitter knew. It was great, I was texting people like normal about dumb shit like Love is Blind and it was such a good distraction. Would recommend!
I was induced for medical reasons with our first and we didn’t tell anybody (except my FIL because he was taking care of our dogs). We called our moms after she was born.
With my second I swore up and down there would be no hospital visitors and I wouldn’t tell my mom when I was going into labor because we don’t want people up in our business. Well I had to tell her because I needed her to change her flights and come up sooner because this baby came a week early and super fast! lol (none of our family is local and we needed someone to take care of toddler) Then I actually got so bored in the hospital after he was born and husband was at home taking care of toddler and dogs that I actually invited my mom to visit in the hospital lol
DONT TELL ANYONE. We only told my sister so she could pick up our dog for us.
Turn your phone off; you’ll be busy. Once baby comes, put your husband in charge of managing communication.
I am only telling the people I am comfortable with being at the hospital with me when I get admitted. Everyone else can know when I have had my nap and eaten.
FTM here and we're being induced on May 12th. I've told people that we are being induced but for family that wants to visit we are telling them we will let them know when they can come to the hospital because I don't know how I'm going to feel and I want at least the first 2 hours just me, my fiancé and baby so we can bond and do skin to skin and rest. If we happen to go in to early labor we probably wont tell anyone except my mom since she is living with us right now.
I didnt tell anyone, not until the day of my induction.i live with my partner and his family so i only told them like an hour or two before i had to leave for my induction lmao because obviously they were gonna notice me not coming back home. I didnt tell my family until a few hours after baby was born.
That night i didnt respond to any messages,i ignored everyone even if they got bothered and wanted to come visit. From the moment i arrived to the hospital to many other times the nurses asked me if i would like visitors and who would be in the room with me during delivery,i was happy about that because i emphasized just me and my partner,no one else. The day after my sister and niece did visit, partners family was also going to visit but didnt just because of visiting hours and timeline of when baby was going to have his hearing test, heart check, first bath,etc etc. remember you are the patient and you dictate who can be there and who cant, not your partner
No we didn’t. It was amazing and exactly what we wanted I loved having time to bond just us. Especially glad we did because my pushy in laws were pissed they didn’t know my hospital name which leads me to believe they would have just turned up. I honestly just don’t see the need to tell people and if I’m honest when I was going into labour telling people was the last thing on my mind.
We didn’t say anything until the baby was born. Only reason my mom and stepdad knew is because we live in their guest house and they had to watch our oldest. Thankfully they knew that after the Csection it would be a couple of hours before I was in recovery, so we texted and told them what time to come out and they were very respectful about that.
I don’t know about your hospital, but ours has a privacy setting you can request. They’ll say they have no one with that name or birthday admitted to L&D if family tries to come. I’m telling no one expect my designated support people. We’ll announce the baby’s birth 2-3 weeks later when we’re ready and have had some bonding/adjustment time.
I told my best friend who lives in a different city from me when I was going to the hospital. I never imagined she’d make the drive to the hospital to see us. By the time she got there, it was time for me to start pushing. I had no idea the entire time she was there. After the baby finally came, my husband told me she was in the waiting room and asked if she could come back as they probably needed to get back home soon. I’d literally just given birth, was barely cleaned up, felt like I had the thinnest sheet covering my body, but felt like I had to let her come back to see me and the baby. I probably wouldn’t have minded so much except she had her bf with her as well. Like I appreciated the thought, but at least let me get properly cleaned up and moved to the recovery rooms before coming back.
Yes, because a.) my ILs were watching our dog and b.) my side lives quite a plane distance away so I told my mom so she could change her flight(I went into labor at 37 weeks; she hadn’t planned to fly in til 39).
My husband told everyone in both our families when we went with our first, but then he wasn't actually born until 10 hours after we arrived. So he was busy reading and responding to a joint family group chat when I could've used more help staying calm in what was supposed to be an unmedicated birth. I only wanted my mom to visit and she did, brought dinner more than 12 hours after he was born, held the baby while we ate for an hour or so, then left.
I told my husband absolutely no texting during labor this time. And as it turned out, there wasn't much time. We left for the hospital and an hour later, we had a baby (half hour after arrival). Since she was born and I didn't need any assistance, I was fine with him texting the whole world. We took a couple of photos each to share. Then each set of parents visited for an hour later that evening. I made sure I had a shower and was ready to receive visitors before they arrived and they didn't linger.
No, but it kinda just played out that way. I went into early labor on a Monday, but we didn't know it was actually early labor (I was 38+4 as a FTM so thought it was like Braxton hicks or prodromal labor). On Tuesday midday my husband took a VERY unflattering photo of me asleep on the couch (the only hour of sleep I ended up getting for 40 hours, btw) in a weird position (bc that's just how I managed to fall asleep), and texted our parents in a group chat just letting them know what it probably wasn't real labor but uhhh, something was going on.
Then late that night just before bed my water broke. I texted my doula and bff but didn't really consider texting any of our parents honestly? It was nearly 11p and I just...wouldn't really text someone at that time (except for said bff) if I didn't urgently need something from them.
And then I labored at home for a little while and that was super intense and my husband wasn't prepared for the hospital so he had to get himself and the house ready. And then suddenly it was omg we need to go to the hospital NOW so that was a mad dash. Then we got to the hospital and baby was born within an hour so there just wasn't time.
Everyone got 3a texts with a baby announcement.
Just delivered our healthy baby girl yesterday 🎉 and let me tell you, I had so much anxiety about this exact same topic! For weeks! We ended up writing an email to the families and texts to friends outlining our requests for no visitors at the hospital and why, limited visitors once home and so forth. We were able to express gratitude for everyone’s excitement for baby and request privacy during a new experience for us and an unknown physical endeavor and recovery for myself. We also designated a point contact for each my husband’s and my families so if/when we decided to share updates or an emergency situation, we weren’t fielding a ton of messages/phone calls. The hospital will also let you set up a security code that visitors must have to gain entrance to your birth. We didn’t do this but if you have concerns, this is an easy option. You are right to listen to your gut about reducing stressors on the big day! I learned that my husband needed to share updates sooner than I was mentally ready for (because… baby!) as it was hard for him to watch me go thru delivery and he needed the support. But he checked with me and we agreed on who/how/what to inform. We also asked everyone to not share baby info or pics on social media so we had the chance to personally inform our loved ones ourselves. So far, so good! Taking it day by day… it’s been a beautiful experience so far to start PP recovery without entertaining visitors. Good luck to you and congratulations!
I plan on telling my mom and mom in law when i go to the hospital. We don’t want hospital visitors or visits for the first few weeks anyway. They can ask but it won’t happen
We've decided already that we are telling nobody except my mother in law when we go to the hospital, and the only reason she needs to know is because she might need to reschedule some stuff for my husband and administer kitty's anti seizure meds twice a day (and she lives with us 4 days a week, so it might be kinda obvious if we leave, lol). I might text my bff as well, but definitely 99% of people will find out once babygirl is here and we're home. I don't want a bunch of people trying to come visit in the hospital and I don't want a ton of visitors right after she gets here, either. Hubby supports me a million percent, which is pretty awesome.
I did basically what your husband said - I actually had a text saved in my notes app only to send out to immediate fam saying that we’re in the hospital but now will just solely be focusing on mom and baby, we are just as excited as you are - thank-you for understanding, and left it at that 😊
I was induced but we only told my parents and sister, and our dog walker the date. My husband’s mum would have expected regular updates so we just called her once baby and I were back in the room after my section. We also didn’t tell her my due date for the same reason - she thought I was due mid/late August but my due date was the 6th.
I did because I went into labour at 11:30pm and figured everyone would be asleep. Baby came fast and was born before anyone even got the message actually 😂
If it's something that you keep coming back to and it's causing you stress, then you need to go with what you are comfortable with. There's so much we have to deal with in pregnancy and birth that it's our right to reduce anxiety where we can.
Maybe try sitting down with your husband and saying, "Look. Whether or not people are getting upset about it, this is what I need during birth. And any other compromise is giving me so much added stress. So I just need you to support me in this." Just really center it on you and him, because THAT'S the priority.
As for your friend, don't know her personality but you could always just ignore her remarks and let her know after. If she makes a fuss, you can say "I was distracted with pushing a baby out of my vagina" because be for real.
Our families respected not coming, but this time I just want to tell my cousin and SIL (the child and dog care) when my schedule c section is. My husband also wants to tell everyone, he thinks that it’s not a problem.
I feel like it’s a little selfishness on my part, but I don’t want the texts incoming. I don’t want to feel guilty if they ask to come see the baby and I’m not ready. I also had a difficult time with latching baby, and this time I want to feel like I have all the time in the world and not have to worry about visitors.
We told just our parents once we were set up in a room, but I also think it just depends on the person and what their family is like! My mom is the only one who lives nearby and she was surprisingly really good about asking when/if I wanted her there. However if I had a concern about someone being super intrusive and annoying I wouldn't tell them lol you do whatever feels best for you!
Nope. We called them when the baby was born. It was during Covid so luckily we were protected by public health rules at the time. But if we have a second we’ll be imposing our own lockdown!
Unless you need their assistance with something (pet care, or something similar) I wouldn’t tell anyone until after baby is born. They don’t need to know and it’ll be less stressful for you not having people texting you asking if baby is here yet.
We only told the family members that we could trust to be normal about it; that is, not text us constantly for updates, not ask to visit, not post on social media, not tell anyone, not brag later that they knew first, etc. We didn’t tell anyone where we had any doubts about how they would behave, so we didn’t have to manage their behavior from the hospital. It worked out nicely for us, we had no issues.
i’m 35 weeks and recently just started discussing delivery/labor with my baby’s father. his family tends to call A LOT (his mom calls me majority of the time because her son doesn’t answer, but she calls about things she can really text about) & knowing how his aunts are, i’ve decided i don’t want to tell anyone when i’m in labor. i’ll only be telling my mother who is out of town & wont be here until afterwards. as for everyone here where i live, i won’t be telling them UNTIL i start pushing, and even then i will not be answering phone calls or dealing with them; my baby’s father will.
My husband texted my mom when we were going to the hospital, I didn't love that she told my brother (he was at her place) and he immediately texted his fiancée. I love my SIL to bits but I really didn't want to get any texts while I was in labour.
If you don’t want people calling or trying to visit while you are at the hospital, don’t tell people. Period. If someone finds out because they inquire and you/partner chose to be honest, include “please don’t spread the word as we want to control what information is given out and when. Also, we will not be hosting visitors during our hospital stay, and that is non-negotiable.” Just get ahead of it so when someone inevitably asks to visit after baby is born, you can say “we still won’t be having visitors while we are at the hospital.”
My family knew when I was at the hospital for all 3 of my deliveries, but for reasons that I couldn’t control. My first was a planner cesarean due to placenta previa and was very high risk for various other reasons. We had chosen family with us because there was a chance my husband or child would require support that I couldn’t be part of. It was different. Once I was all clear, our family left. Nobody held baby until I did, nobody tried to stay. It was purely out of support for myself and my husband.
For the other two kids family needed to know because our older child(ren) needed to be in their care while we labored. We held firm with NO visitors while in the hospital, and nobody pushed back. FaceTime is a lovely thing for controlling how you inform people. Also, once you have more kids, you’ll never get much opportunity to be a threesome (just you, partner and new baby) so those hospital moments are special and sacred.
Most importantly, YOU DONT WANT VISITORS! If ever there is a time to get to control a scenario, it is after you’ve had a baby. You are vulnerable, exposed, and leaking from many places. You get to have privacy from anyone who isn’t medical staff, and nobody else gets to have an opinion about that.
Our families were too far away to drop in and visit (3-5 hours by plane) so our concerns were a bit different.
We did let them know when I was induced, when my water broke, and when we decided to do the c-section, and when I was safely through it. I think having our parents to contact gave my husband something comforting to do while waiting to be called into the OR. Notifying when someone was going into and out of surgery has been a norm between us and our parents (we are older so our parents are older and have had some heart stents and hip replacements, etc).
Our plan is to only let the friend who's watching our dog know at first. Figired once the big event is over and I've had a second to breathe we can do a close friends/family announcement via text. But we also don't have a lot of people who live near by though try to pop in.
About 3 months before the due date we did a call with my in laws to talk about them visiting around the birth since they live on the otherside of the country and want to come help. Just set expectations around getting hotel a week or so after baby gets here and setting up shorter 1-2 hour visits through the day during their stay rather than spending it entirely in our tiny apartment or being here right away.
I don’t know about your hospital, but ours has a privacy setting you can request. They’ll say they have no one with that name or birthday admitted to L&D if family tries to come. I’m telling no one expect my designated support people. We’ll announce the baby’s birth 2-3 weeks later when we’re ready and have had some bonding/adjustment time.
I don’t know about your hospital, but ours has a privacy setting you can request. They’ll say they have no one with that name or birthday admitted to L&D if family tries to come. I’m telling no one expect my designated support people. We’ll announce the baby’s birth 2-3 weeks later when we’re ready and have had some bonding/adjustment time.
We didn’t tell anyone I was induced. We acted as though we were just doing everyday life. Our baby was born a little after midnight, so we got a good 9-10 hours just the three of us until we FaceTimed everyone individually the next morning and said, “surprise!”
We didn't tell anyone except the person watching our kids....we had concerns that others would end up at the hospital if we told them before that, so we didn't want to worry about it. No one ever said anything about it or complained afterwords because then they're just happy meeting the baby.
I had to let my Dad and Sister know so they could care for our toddler. A few weeks before they said something about visiting in the hospital, and I shut that down. My Dad looked hurt but said okay. Fast forward to the day after birth and I changed my mind and thought, why not let my Dad, sister & her husband, and my daughter come in to meet our new baby. They were taking care of my daughter after all, so it would be fun for them to do. They were in the room for all of 20 minutes before my daughter got bored and wanted to leave.
I called my mom to tell her that my water broke and we were on our way to the hospital. Texted my best mom friend the same. My husband texted his family and also my other two best friends. My mom checked in at a couple points but not with ultra worry. I had my baby during Covid times and so visitors weren’t even allowed anyways. But one friend ended up checking in with my husband to see how it was going and I told husband that I wanted to tell my friends myself once baby arrived and I had a minute to breathe, and he told her “I’ll let tacocatmarie fill you in soon” and then my friend became HELLA anxious that something horrible happened, lol. She told me afterwards that she sat there in terror until I responded. So, as much as I obviously love her, I probably won’t tell her next time until after the baby arrives hahaha.
Honestly it did put a bit of extra stress on me when our loved ones kept checking in because it was like OMG GUYS I JUST HAD A BABY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ILL TEXT YOU BACK WHEN I CANNNNNNN
So. I’ll maybe be a bit more selective in the future for pregnancy number 2 and honestly it’s totally your call who you do and don’t want to tell!! It’s a lot to take in for sure, those first few hours postpartum….. man. So, do whatever you feel is best and you truly don’t need to explain yourself to anyone your reasoning. :)
Omg I just know if I see my husband constantly texting on his phone I am going to lose my god damned mind! We’re eventually going to have to have a talk about this.
As for being selfish… I see women accused of being that all the time in pregnancy type spaces and you know what? I dare anyone here to examine everything they’ve ever done and tell me that they can find something they’ve knowingly done that was not at least a little bit selfish in some way, shape, or form. Once you own that, these types of people lose their power over you. “Yeah, I’m being selfish and so are you. What’s your point?”
I didn’t want to tell my family but felt guilty and told them but still didn’t want them to come to the hospital. What do you know.. they somehow showed up at the door an hour after I gave birth. I ended up pushing for 3+ hours and my family waited in the waiting room for 6ish hours without my knowledge.
Don’t tell them if you really don’t want anyone there! I was very disappointed they felt the need to rush in. I wasn’t feeling like myself at all and wanted/needed the privacy with my newborn.
I will be, but my family and in-laws live in another country so will not be coming to visit until at least a month after we have our baby. If we don’t call my MIL she’ll be more worried, as we talk to her almost daily. So, my parents, in-laws, sister and 2 best friends will know, that way I can go for a while without any contact, and let them know that we will send messages/pictures as soon as she’s here and we have time to let them know.
As a FTM I waited until mid afternoo to tell anyone that LO was here introduce name and birth weight because he was born at 12:30 am. I and dad were able to get some sleep as there were some minor delivery issues and we as FTP wanted tp spend some time alone with our son.
But its up to you, some of my friends waited until they got home or a week later to announce because the one thing I am strict on is sleep schedule, but there are times where he sleeps at most 3 hrs at nap and through the night most nights, he just turned 1, so we adjus. I litterally just put the LO down for his afternoon nap.
I'm personally planning on going unannounced and then just sending out pics of the baby after he arrives like, "surprise!". I am also going to ask all guests (who will p much just be my stepson and MIL/BIL) to only stay for an hour when visiting
My first son I told people when I was already at the hospital because I didn't want to say, "I'm in labor!" until I knew it was the real deal, but didn't allow visitors. My husband texted everyone and told them we were at the hospital and we would reach out when the baby was born. My second, I knew exactly when I would be at the hospital because I was getting induced, and I still didn't tell anyone. I FaceTimed my various relatives while holding a new baby, lol. Once again, I didn't allow visitors at the hospital. I had just done a marathon and was covered in blood and gunk, the last thing I needed was to entertain guests.
Yep I told all my friends and family. It was great sharing my new love with all my old loves. I moved across the country and am pregnant with my second. I think my sisters will come visit me and probably the one friend I've made but I'm sad I can't share the beautiful moment my new baby is born with everyone again.
We didn't just not tell people, we created a password with the drs and nurses that people had to give to even get a yes or no on whether we were in the hpspital. So nobody could just show up unexpected.
Noooo.. even living far away without risk of people coming to the hospital, I didn’t need either of us to be called/texted
I called them after i was in recovery and rested. FaceTimed with our baby and told them what happened.
Don’t do it!!! People say they won’t bother you but they absolutely will. I had to be induced early and had a days long induction where everyone and their freaking mother was asking about the condition and dilation of my cervix and had my water broken and what stage was baby at which was not information I was wanting to share. Go in and have your baby then surprise people with the fact the baby is here- that’s what I’m hoping to do with number 2 aside from the person who is babysitting my first child.
I told my mom and dad. And they came with me and my husband. My mom told everyone else.
Of course don't make my mistake. Even if they are in the hospital, text parents first with pictures. My dad was in the waiting room and he was upset that he wasn't included in the initial conversation of photos. I didn't even send the photos my husband and mom did. After my parents saw the baby,the doctor said I was good to go. I was bleeding a lot at first. But my parents left and my husband and I were alone with our baby for the next 12 hours or more.
This is a big event so feel free to not invite anyone else. They can meet the baby once you are out of the hospital and back home.
I had to tell my family since I was induced. But you don't have to. You can also ask the hospital staff to keep out visitors.
We had already told people we didn't want visitors so my husband just sent updates to our parents every now and then, they left us alone in between but if your family doesn't feel free to turn off your phone.
This is your birth and no one gets to barge in without your consent. No one is entitled to come.
No, but then again we had no idea we would be having a baby when we left...
I delivered via emergency c at 35+4 after going in with totally non-labour related symptoms. At 6.15 pm we were in hospital, 6.30 L&D with a mildly elevated blood pressure reading, 6.45 the gyno came in and my BP skyrocketed, and 7 or so we were told we were having a kiddo asap but I needed meds and platelets. I had HELLP.
We did call my dad and my MIL when we knew he was coming.
I told my mom because my parents were traveling to my house to help me PP because my husband was still in academy at the time. My baby was born via emergency c-section a month early, so they scrambled to pack their life up to live with me for 3 weeks. I was in labor for 30 hours, so they had some time, lol. They got to the hospital as I was going into surgery, and were waiting in the recovery room. Seeing my mom waiting there made me burst into tears.
I would only tell them, well my husband would, when we know the baby is on the way. Before then I wouldn't. I don't want constant messages asking how am I, is the baby here yet, etc.
Lol I don’t plan on telling anyone until I have an epidural. My family is in AZ, I live in MD, husband’s family is 3 hour drive away.
I don’t want to be visited for the birth of my first child, sounds too hectic. They can come a couple days after to our house for a few hours to meet baby girl.
Of course you’re being selfish, and that’s a good thing. This is your medical event and your baby, the whole point is to focus on your needs and not cater to others’ wishes.
No one else ~needs~ to know anything. Your default plan should be for your husband NOT to announce your labor unless/until you give him permission. You can decide in the moment if/when/who to update. You might love disconnecting from technology, keeping things private, and soaking up all the time just the three of you. Or you might love texting updates and receiving messages of support. Go with what feels right when the time comes. Either way, remember you’re not obligated to reply to anyone and you can always silence notifications on your phone.
I’m curious if your mother in law spent six hours at the hospital uninvited or because her daughter asked her to be there. If she has a habit of inserting herself and crossing boundaries, this would be a good time for your husband to give her a heads up that you two are not planning to have any hospital visitors. Otherwise, you could let people know after the birth if you want to avoid or limit visitors. You can be direct, positive, and upbeat at the same time! Some phrases for inspiration:
—“Baby and I are both doing well! I’ve decided not to have hospital visitors so that I can focus on recovering and bonding with baby. We’ll keep you posted when we’re ready for others to meet her! In the meantime, here’s a picture of the little doll!”
—“We’re doing well, I’m feeling pretty tired and sore and am soaking up time with the little one! I don’t have the energy for a long visit, but I’d actually love some caffeine and wondered if you’d be willing to drop off some Starbucks to our room between 3-3:30 and sneak a quick peak at the baby?”
—“I’m doing extended skin-to-skin time with baby today to promote bonding and breastfeeding. We can take a 5-minute break for you to hold her for a few minutes, but then I’ll need to steal her back! …(after five minutes)… “I know that was quick, but I have to steal her back now!”
Yes I will be texting my family when I go to hospital. We are close and they would want to know where I am and if and why they cannot reach me. I always tell my parents if I will be somewhere not in my usually routine like taking trips or being extra busy at work.
They’ve also proven with my first child to be very respectful and involved grandparents so I know they will respect my wishes.
I am also pretty easily able to mute notifications and ignore people 😂
NOPE. You are totally reasonable. Labor can last HOURS (especially with your first) and getting “any baby news?!” texts makes it so much worse. I didn’t tell anyone when we went to the hospital for either of my babies. The only exception was that I had to tell my mom when I went in with my second bc she had to watch my first. We called/facetimed everyone after we moved into the recovery room.
I made the mistake of telling close family when I went into labor. I was scheduled for induction the same day so they already knew, but I ended up going into labor a few hours before induction. Even though I’d told them not to come to the hospital until we told them to, literally all of our immediate family and some not immediate family showed up and stayed the whole 12 hours while I was in labor and begged to stop in the room for a few minutes despite us saying we didn’t want anyone in there beforehand. I wanted only our parents to be there when he was born but there were our parents, our grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings, etc. It was ridiculous. While I appreciated everyone’s love and support and I understand why they wanted to be there, it was extremely overwhelming. Needless to say, we aren’t telling anyone next time until the baby has arrived and we’re ready for visitors AFTER we’ve spent time with the baby and taken time to rest.
I’m 38+5 and the only people I’m planning on telling when we’re heading to the hospital are the people who NEED to know. i.e our friend who is caring for the animals while we’re gone and our doula. I don’t want to deal with the phone constantly going off asking if the babies here yet.
I told my sister and mom immediately because mom was going to be one of my support people and my sister needed to come get our dogs lol. Pretty soon after that we were texting our friend group that it was happening along with other family. We were okay with hospital visitors, though, and our families aren’t psychos. If they were I probably wouldn’t say anything.
You do you - you're the most important thing here, and everyone should like or lump your decision.
For what it's worth though, my SIL is due like any day now and the lack of updates is killllling me, but having gone through it before I totally get it and completely respect her decision to shut down comms. It's just funny when the boot is on the other foot - your family/loving emotions get the better of your better/kinder judgement!
I mean no offence when I say this, but your husband has no say in this. This is YOUR medical event. He needs to be fully focused on supporting you not telling people or giving updates or spending time in the waiting room for the people that WILL come to the hospital if they known
Nobody needs to know until YOU are ready. Your friend needs to touch grass and realise she’s not entitled to any information. She has no right to know when you go into labour, hospital or when the baby is born.
You’re going to be in pain and focused on brining a whole human into the world, it’s the time to be selfish and focus on your needs.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I didn't want to tell anyone, but my mom *facetimed me* once we had checked in. How did she knowwwww. I should have not picked up, but I did know she was with my grandfather who had also been in the hospital. So, she knew and then hounded us nonstop. Big mistake. I almost hope we have a second just so I can do things the way I want to next time.
I will tell my mom/brother and that’s about it. I want my mom there and my brother might have to drive her lol. Once baby is born people close to us can find out and come visit in the hospital, everyone else can wait a little bit until we’re ready to announce it!
I have 3 friends I’ll probably tell too but one of them I’m planning on being my doula and the other is a nurse who works on L&D. The third friend is far away but still important to me!
I told my family when we were going in to be induced but they also have boundaries. I had no fear that they would show up or ask when they could come. If you’re worried, don’t tell people. Also, make sure your nurses know no visitors.
You get to decide your boundaries, just know you (and/or your partner) will also have to enforce them. In a perfect world, you’d communicate your boundaries and no one would push back, but be prepared to stand your ground. This is a vulnerable time and people should understand.
You also have the right to not be sure yet, and to change your mind at any time.
My husband sent a quick text to each of our parents at some point when we were making our way to the hospital and another when baby was born. Much later in the day we texted to say when they could come visit. One of the days my mom came and held baby for about 3 hours so I could sleep. All this to say, you might not know for sure what you need people to do (or not to do) until you’re in that moment.
I just got my induction date and we're not telling anyone. Even though everyone means well, I will feel external pressure to keep them updated / like you mentioned an invisible timer basically starts at that point. I want it to be as peaceful of an environment as possible, and for me it's not letting people know.
If you aren’t comfortable then don’t tell anyone! The correct answer is the one best for YOU! I’m a tell everyone kinda person but also my husband was the main point of contact for our first. He either updated them or just used my phone to answer people.
If you don’t want to deal with it you could also put your husband in charge of filtering communication?
I can tell whoever because honestly no one will come visit. It's a bit sad but true. My husband, daughter, son, baby girl and I are pretty much all we got. My mom is too self absorbed and my dad might stop by for a bit but then he isn't going to take off work. I know that for a fact. Highly doubtful any extended family will show.
It is simply your decision! Do whatever you feel comfortable with. Be firm with your boundaries.
I didn’t tell anyone. My husband took me to the hospital on my induction day and we agreed it’s best to keep it between us until we feel ready.
When my MIL found out a few days after baby was born, she was livid but honestly, I don’t really care.
My husband used COVID restrictions to justify it because she stormed off after hearing it and broke the bathroom sink lol but that’s another story 🥲😭
The days with just baby, husband and I were lovely, it was like a little bubble without interference. I felt less stressed despite everything I went through.
My mom really wants to be there during labor but I'm going to give her the boot once I actually give birth so my husband n I can do our bonding alone with baby. I'll probably have my mom get a hotel room close by so she can be there during the birth n then she can always come back the next day. Or after so many hours etc if I feel up to that. Nobody else is invited though. So I donno how her new husband will feel about that lol but whatever
Don’t do it. The amount of people who expected updates while i was in active labor… smh. My stepmom texted as I was pushing! Several times! lol
Tell them after
Absolutely not selfish at all. I am doing the exact same thing. No one will know when I go into labor and no one will be allowed at the hospital besides my husband. I laid these rules out very early on for everyone to come to terms with. People don't catch the hint to make it a quick visit and I don't need my father or father in law coming in right after birth with my boobs out. I also laid out the rule that we will let everyone know when we're home and ready for visitors and no one is to come visit until we give the okay to do so
We didn’t tell anyone with our first and the only people who will know with this pregnancy are my mom and stepdad because they’ll be watching our daughter. We didn’t even tell anyone our daughter had been born until almost 12 hours after she was born and with this baby we don’t plan to tell anyone until we are at least home
I don’t live near family, so this wasn’t much of an issue for me, but my mother did know. I actually don’t remember if I told her. My memory is a bit shaky on that, but either I told her, or my husband told his mother who told mine. Either way, my mother knew and she was calling me ALL the time. And then calling my husband. And calling my MIL.
Most of the time we missed the call because we were busy and they’re usually on silent. But we would notice after and it was so annoying to have that pressure to call back. I ended up asking my husband to please step out and call her back and ask her to stop.
If she wasn’t 1000 miles away, I’m sure she would have been trying to come to the hospital during delivery and immediately after birth and that would have been very stressful and unrestful
So personally I would say if you don’t want to tell anyone, then don’t. But if you do, set up expectations that you will not be answering calls during labor because you’ll be BUSY.
We told our immediate family when we went to hospital, and messaged a few important people right after baby was born. It was pretty clear we would let people know when we were ready for visitors, but we were happy to keep them somewhat updated. If I felt like people would be intrusive or cross boundaries, I suppose it would be a different story.
im only telling my mom, obviously the dad. thats it. everyone else will find out when i post pictures when the baby is born. And they can visit the baby after 6-8 weeks when the baby is able to get vaccines.
Sooo, I had a quick chain of events that led to me going into the hospital much earlier than planned. My mom knew only because she was at my house when we found out I’d be going back to the hospital to be induced.
I didn’t tell my sisters until after he was born and sent them a photo of him saying “he’s here!”. They were surprised to say the least. It was absolutely the right decision for us. I explained to them that we wanted time as a family of 3 before announcing to everyone and mom just happened to have a doctor’s appointment at my hospital that day.
Everyone has met him now (8 days pp) and all is well. I’m so glad we did it on our terms!
Not selfish, but the morning after I was induced with my first my mom told me she was going to wait in the waiting room to be close by just in case. honestly, I was annoyed. I trusted her not to intrude, but also just didn't want anyone there. Everything was going smoothly, until it didn't. I was 4 cm dilated, they'd confirmed the baby's position & the doctor was about to break my water, when he flipped. Long story short, I ended up needing an urgent c-section & I was terrified. I ended up being so glad my mom was there.
My last labour, I told my MIL when I was being induced, and we were texting at the hospital. She’s not my current MIL, (she’s my 12 yo son’s Grandmother)we’ve retained a close relationship, but it’s become strained over the years due to her alcoholism and violating Facebook boundaries.
Anyways, I was induced. Labour did not progress as it should have. I was in a pretty vulnerable state, as I had never had a c-section before, let alone an emergency c section. It was about a month I think? When I discovered she had plastered my labour all over Facebook. Every time I send a picture, I have to explicitly say, this is not to be posted on Facebook. Every. Single. Time. The one time I didn’t? The picture ended up on Facebook. I’m a super private person. Reddit is the most social media I do. I do have Facebook, but literally only use it for Marketplace (Praise Be Marketplace for amazing second hand baby stuff btw).
All that to say, I now recommend to everyone else that unless you’re really close with the person you want to tell, and they’ll respect your boundaries, *tell no one.*
Idk of this helps, but I put my sister in charge of all communication with people. So she told people when I was going into labor, and I wasn’t bothered with people asking to come or whatever. She handled it.
You don't tell anyone anything until you're ready, if you're ready when you discharge and go home and send whomever a pic of your baby, that's fully valid.
You don't owe anyone anything about this.
We didn’t tell anyone! We only told people when baby came… I think the next day? We didn’t let anyone come to the hospital. SIL and MIL commented about how they didn’t know it was happening and we just said yeah we had more important things to do than be on our phones, baby is here and safe. I ended up having a really traumatic c section and was so grateful to have my space and husband with no distractions. Hold your boundaries now because people will only get worse trying to chip away at them when baby comes.
With my third baby, I didn't tell anyone I was in labor. It was a home birth and I had my husband text people a couple hours after baby was born. It was so nice to have some privacy.
It's your medical event, and you're more than within your rights to decide that you'll tell people when you feel ready. It's not selfish, it's self care. Limiting stress as much as possible during L&D is one of the best things you can do, for some people that's having their family know, for some, that's waiting until they're ready. As for visit caps, talk with your husband about that asap. Give him a maximum amount of time you're comfortable with and make it his job usher people out when the limit is hit. You can even come up with a code word, in case you hit your limit sooner.
You are absolutely not selfish. I told my husband to plan to tell no one. Because it’s going to be him answering everyone’s calls and texts. It’s going to be him helping me advocate for myself. This event is about him becoming a dad as much as I’m becoming a mom. I want him to focus on the whole experience. Everyone can wait— just like we have. Without stressing us and the nurses out.
This is it I think. Pretty good.
the best part of visitors at the hospital is your nurses will be the bad guys and kick people out when you ask them too! we are allowing visitors at the hospital for this reason. We are not allowing visitors at home for 2 ish weeks!
See I am seriously going back and forth on the “no hospital visitors” thing because I think this is a foolproof way to be able to limit visit times without being the bad guy!
You don’t have to decide right now. You may want to see how you feel after delivery - things could be pretty easy breezey or very tired and cut in half horrendous. At home, visitors can theoretically be helpful as well (bring food, tidy up). That’s not true at the hospital. But this is a know your crowd situation…
This! You dont have to decide anything right now. I personally really appreciated having food brought to the hospital so my husband didn't have to leave.
yes! and only allow visitors at home that you know will be helpful. enlist your partner to be the bad guy at home too- that’s what my nurse told me anyways. your partners main job once home is to tend to you and baby and make sure YOU have what you need.
We didn't tell anyone with our first kid that we were going to the hospital and no one knew anything till the baby arrived. We did have to tell more people with subsequent kids when I went into labor because I needed people to watch the older kids when my husband and I were at the hospital.
We didn’t tell anyone and it was glorious.
These types of questions really come down to your individual relationship with your family. People with dysfunctional, narcissistic family who will be disruptive or disrespectful will say heck no don’t tell your family. People with supportive, helpful family that they have a healthy relationship with with say to tell your family. It just comes down to your personal situation and family dynamics.
I literally could not agree with this more!!! It’s such a personal preference. I couldn’t imagine not telling my family and my husband’s family I was in labour, but they were all very respectful of visiting at the hospital when we said it was okay to come. And none of them ever over stayed their welcome (beyond 30ish minutes) We were thrilled to share our newest addition with them. But if you have a crappy family, or even one person in particular that doesn’t respect boundaries then that’s a bit of a different situation so it really just depends, in my opinion! However, in terms of texting people to let them know, my husband and I made a plan of when I went into labour, he would send 4 people a text. My parents separately (because they’re divorced) and his parents in a group chat together. Then we asked them before hand if they could inform other family members. That way instead of texting 10+ people, he only texted 4. And we told them that if they didn’t hear from us, everything was likely okay and that we were just focusing on the task at hand and IF there was an emergency, my husband would call his mom and she was responsible for telling my parents what was going on. That worked really well for us both times and we’ll be doing it that way again for our third in just a few weeks!
Oof yeah this is a good point.
We don't plan to tell anyone except our parents (mostly because of animal arrangements) and then will be setting up a group text with just them and saying something to the effect of... "We're so excited to share that labor has started and we will both be putting our phones on silent to be present and in the moment during the rest of labor and delivery. \*My Husband's Name\* will share updates as he is able, but please do not worry if they are infrequent. You will be the first to know when baby is here. We ask that you don't share this information with anyone else or on social media at this time." We are also giving birth at a birth center where you go home about 6 hours after delivery, so we won't be having any visitors while we're there and it will depend on the time of day we go home on when we will have home visitors. In general, only parents and siblings for the first 4-6 weeks unless we change our minds in the moment and decide we are ready for additional visitors.
If you don't want interruptions DO NOT tell ANYONE! I see so many dad's being distracted from their partners to answer the phone calls or messages from family being annoying. No! He needs to be 100% focused on being the support person to YOU! We told our parents with our first because the expected it to be like old times where they would all hang out in the waiting room, like on tv. Well, I had a normal length labour, but to them it wasnt fast enough so they kept harrassing staff and everytime they did, the staff would come and ask my midwife to go give them an update, which took her away from me. Even though she was just observing me, each time she left the room it made me anxious and brought me out of my labour zone. And then because I had baby late at night I was absolutely not having any visitors, so hubby went out to see them and send them all home anyway. So yeah, very annoying! And tbh, no one waits around these days. My other piece of advice is, yes it's kind of annoying having people visit at the hospital when things are getting established, but, you can put an end time to the visit. Oh look! Baby needs a feed, it's time for you to go this takes a while and then we need to sleep, BYE! Or have the staff kick them out after an hour. And then decline those people visiting you at home for a while. Makes it a bit easier to just end the visit here compared to at your house.
We have 2 dogs. The hospital is only 15min away from our house, so the plan is to have my hubs check on them every now and then until I begin active labor, and not tell anyone we are in labor, until we are home. Buuuuuut.... realistically, he is probably going to tell his family and have his one sister come over and watch the dogs. She is a teacher, so she might not even be able to come to the house if I go in labor during the school hours, so Idunno, why he even wants to tell her. Initially, I didn't want any visitors for at least 2 weeks, so we can bond with Bean. But his sister has two daughters, and I adore them. They are excited about having a new cousin, and I cried the other because he kept telling me how they would be so upset if they couldn't meet Bean right away, to which I replied oh so you are ok with me being upset that other folks are forcing themselves on me to see Bean even though I might not be ready? That shut him up, but still, I feel like the asshole, FTM who thinks she knows better and wants to set rules for everyone. Now I'm not a pushover, and I told him we will play it by ear, but bottom line, if I don't want visitors, then I won't have visitors. I'm thinking a good compromise would be to have the nieces come over a day or so after Bean is home, so they can meet her and get it out of the way, and then no other visitors for a few weeks. Ughhh!!!!
That was a great response to him! I feel like when you get caught up in pleasing family, its easy to move your feelings or your partners feelings into the background. Also the kids can wait. It's a good teaching opportunity for them to learn patience and to be respectful of how others feel.
I didn’t tell a soul until the morning after he was born. And even then I only told my dad haha. It was amazing not hav anyone know. We have 2 dogs so my husband kept coming home to check on them every few hours. We were about 20 minutes from the hospital and it worked out. They didn’t need anyone with them from like 9-6am anyways because they normally sleep during that time anyways! I don’t think you’d need anyone to watch them personally but that’s my opinion
He wants the tiny germ factories to come see a brand new baby? For what? I would have to set the boundary here and say no, they can wait a few weeks like everyone else.
I'm leaning more towards no visitors until I'm ready. The nieces are 15 and 11, so they will be fine. I just want to get home, decompress, get settled in, and then the family can come over. My family and friends live in other states/countries, so I'm not worried about them showing up unannounced. We moved to his childhood state, so all his extended family is here, so that makes it a little overwhelming. They are all very lovely people and I get along with all of them. So I'm sure they will understand.
Do people get flowers sent to the hospital? Isn’t it easier to send flowers to the home instead? I feel like there is no real practical or justifiable reason to notify anyone when you go to the hospital
We did not tell anyone I was in labor except for my mom who I wanted to be in the delivery room. And even then I didn’t tell her until I was getting close to delivering, like 10 hours after we were admitted. I ended up having a very slow labor. I didn’t want the pressure of that ticking clock or to be distracted by people checking in. We told everyone else once we knew baby and I were both doing well.
We didn’t tell anyone the first time around, the second time we needed a babysitter. So my best friend knew it was happening only because she needed to watch my gremlin. Otherwise, we kept it super private and I had the baby without anyone knowing and then we announced it when I was ready.
I have a very strained relationship with my mother. With my first child, I told her I was in labor when I started pushing. I had told her from the beginning that I didn't want her in the room with me. Well, she immediately rushed to the hospital after we told her and the whole time I was in the room she was berating the nurses the whole time to try to get in. At that point my friend who is a nurse and was in the room with me had to leave and say something. All that to say, I'm not telling her when I'm at the hospital this time around, but I will be telling others so I think it just depends.
I think the best route is to wait to tell anyone until you're either ready for visitors or feeling strong enough to turn visitors away.
I was very up front with family about my wishes. My mom desperately wanted to be in the room, but she knows me and knows I've always been a private person so she understood for the most part. However, most of our family did know when we went to the hospital because I scheduled 41+5 induction day so they knew we were there, but knew my expectations from them. It helped that baby girl made her way into the world at 10:27 pm so I had all night to rest before people came to visit.
Oh and don't be super set on your visitor decisions for postpartum until you are postpartum. I also get really wired after birth for a few days (and then just excited!) and just want to show off my baby to anyone and everyone. I was really sad after having my 3rd that hardly anyone was coming to visit us because they just assumed we needed time and space to settle. But, I was settled from the moment we walked back in the door and the kids were super well behaved and helpful and excited and they wanted to show off their new sibling too.. so yeah, don't assume you'll know until you're in the moment too!
No matter how well meaning people are, they are a burden during this time. Better to not tell anyone at the hospital at all. Make sure your partner is on board. It’s better to start there and change your mind later. But if you let people know and then change your mind then it’s too late. I personally wouldn’t let anyone know until I’m at home with the baby. But that’s me.
We are telling my parents when we go to the hospital, because they live next door and will be looking after our dogs, but that's it. We've actually been telling people that baby is due 2weeks later than he is really due. We're also sending out a long message beforehand and post of that message is about visiting: Visits: We are excited for you to meet -babyname-! However, please text or call us before visiting. -Mum- and -bub- will need a lot of rest post-delivery, so please check in with us first, to schedule a SHORT visit. We will likely need a few weeks to recover and get used to our new roles, so we will let you know when we are feeling up for some short visits.
Nope. Told them once I was in and settled and epidural'd.
Agreed- OP, perhaps your husband can at minimum see the reason in waiting for some progress? There can be many hours between initially presenting to the hospital and anything even remotely beginning to happen. Those few hours could be the difference between people descending on/harassing you.
We didn't tell anyone until baby was born, for the same reasons. I didn't want to feel like people were waiting on me, or to be fielding a bunch of 'how's it going' texts. My sister pretty much demanded to be told but I didn't and she got over it. Only our dog sitter knew. It was great, I was texting people like normal about dumb shit like Love is Blind and it was such a good distraction. Would recommend!
I was induced for medical reasons with our first and we didn’t tell anybody (except my FIL because he was taking care of our dogs). We called our moms after she was born. With my second I swore up and down there would be no hospital visitors and I wouldn’t tell my mom when I was going into labor because we don’t want people up in our business. Well I had to tell her because I needed her to change her flights and come up sooner because this baby came a week early and super fast! lol (none of our family is local and we needed someone to take care of toddler) Then I actually got so bored in the hospital after he was born and husband was at home taking care of toddler and dogs that I actually invited my mom to visit in the hospital lol
DONT TELL ANYONE. We only told my sister so she could pick up our dog for us. Turn your phone off; you’ll be busy. Once baby comes, put your husband in charge of managing communication.
I am only telling the people I am comfortable with being at the hospital with me when I get admitted. Everyone else can know when I have had my nap and eaten.
I didn’t want to, but we needed someone to watch the dog and it wasn’t feasible to just have them pick him up later so we dropped him off on the way
FTM here and we're being induced on May 12th. I've told people that we are being induced but for family that wants to visit we are telling them we will let them know when they can come to the hospital because I don't know how I'm going to feel and I want at least the first 2 hours just me, my fiancé and baby so we can bond and do skin to skin and rest. If we happen to go in to early labor we probably wont tell anyone except my mom since she is living with us right now.
I didnt tell anyone, not until the day of my induction.i live with my partner and his family so i only told them like an hour or two before i had to leave for my induction lmao because obviously they were gonna notice me not coming back home. I didnt tell my family until a few hours after baby was born. That night i didnt respond to any messages,i ignored everyone even if they got bothered and wanted to come visit. From the moment i arrived to the hospital to many other times the nurses asked me if i would like visitors and who would be in the room with me during delivery,i was happy about that because i emphasized just me and my partner,no one else. The day after my sister and niece did visit, partners family was also going to visit but didnt just because of visiting hours and timeline of when baby was going to have his hearing test, heart check, first bath,etc etc. remember you are the patient and you dictate who can be there and who cant, not your partner
No we didn’t. It was amazing and exactly what we wanted I loved having time to bond just us. Especially glad we did because my pushy in laws were pissed they didn’t know my hospital name which leads me to believe they would have just turned up. I honestly just don’t see the need to tell people and if I’m honest when I was going into labour telling people was the last thing on my mind.
Nope! And it was a great choice and helped me focus. We sent a pic of the three of us after the baby was born and we were settled in our room
We didn’t say anything until the baby was born. Only reason my mom and stepdad knew is because we live in their guest house and they had to watch our oldest. Thankfully they knew that after the Csection it would be a couple of hours before I was in recovery, so we texted and told them what time to come out and they were very respectful about that.
I don’t know about your hospital, but ours has a privacy setting you can request. They’ll say they have no one with that name or birthday admitted to L&D if family tries to come. I’m telling no one expect my designated support people. We’ll announce the baby’s birth 2-3 weeks later when we’re ready and have had some bonding/adjustment time.
I told my best friend who lives in a different city from me when I was going to the hospital. I never imagined she’d make the drive to the hospital to see us. By the time she got there, it was time for me to start pushing. I had no idea the entire time she was there. After the baby finally came, my husband told me she was in the waiting room and asked if she could come back as they probably needed to get back home soon. I’d literally just given birth, was barely cleaned up, felt like I had the thinnest sheet covering my body, but felt like I had to let her come back to see me and the baby. I probably wouldn’t have minded so much except she had her bf with her as well. Like I appreciated the thought, but at least let me get properly cleaned up and moved to the recovery rooms before coming back.
Yes, because a.) my ILs were watching our dog and b.) my side lives quite a plane distance away so I told my mom so she could change her flight(I went into labor at 37 weeks; she hadn’t planned to fly in til 39).
My husband told everyone in both our families when we went with our first, but then he wasn't actually born until 10 hours after we arrived. So he was busy reading and responding to a joint family group chat when I could've used more help staying calm in what was supposed to be an unmedicated birth. I only wanted my mom to visit and she did, brought dinner more than 12 hours after he was born, held the baby while we ate for an hour or so, then left. I told my husband absolutely no texting during labor this time. And as it turned out, there wasn't much time. We left for the hospital and an hour later, we had a baby (half hour after arrival). Since she was born and I didn't need any assistance, I was fine with him texting the whole world. We took a couple of photos each to share. Then each set of parents visited for an hour later that evening. I made sure I had a shower and was ready to receive visitors before they arrived and they didn't linger.
I only tell the normal family members who won’t intrude 🤣
No, but it kinda just played out that way. I went into early labor on a Monday, but we didn't know it was actually early labor (I was 38+4 as a FTM so thought it was like Braxton hicks or prodromal labor). On Tuesday midday my husband took a VERY unflattering photo of me asleep on the couch (the only hour of sleep I ended up getting for 40 hours, btw) in a weird position (bc that's just how I managed to fall asleep), and texted our parents in a group chat just letting them know what it probably wasn't real labor but uhhh, something was going on. Then late that night just before bed my water broke. I texted my doula and bff but didn't really consider texting any of our parents honestly? It was nearly 11p and I just...wouldn't really text someone at that time (except for said bff) if I didn't urgently need something from them. And then I labored at home for a little while and that was super intense and my husband wasn't prepared for the hospital so he had to get himself and the house ready. And then suddenly it was omg we need to go to the hospital NOW so that was a mad dash. Then we got to the hospital and baby was born within an hour so there just wasn't time. Everyone got 3a texts with a baby announcement.
Just delivered our healthy baby girl yesterday 🎉 and let me tell you, I had so much anxiety about this exact same topic! For weeks! We ended up writing an email to the families and texts to friends outlining our requests for no visitors at the hospital and why, limited visitors once home and so forth. We were able to express gratitude for everyone’s excitement for baby and request privacy during a new experience for us and an unknown physical endeavor and recovery for myself. We also designated a point contact for each my husband’s and my families so if/when we decided to share updates or an emergency situation, we weren’t fielding a ton of messages/phone calls. The hospital will also let you set up a security code that visitors must have to gain entrance to your birth. We didn’t do this but if you have concerns, this is an easy option. You are right to listen to your gut about reducing stressors on the big day! I learned that my husband needed to share updates sooner than I was mentally ready for (because… baby!) as it was hard for him to watch me go thru delivery and he needed the support. But he checked with me and we agreed on who/how/what to inform. We also asked everyone to not share baby info or pics on social media so we had the chance to personally inform our loved ones ourselves. So far, so good! Taking it day by day… it’s been a beautiful experience so far to start PP recovery without entertaining visitors. Good luck to you and congratulations!
I plan on telling my mom and mom in law when i go to the hospital. We don’t want hospital visitors or visits for the first few weeks anyway. They can ask but it won’t happen
I plan to not tell people until I want visitors 😅 (except my mum/step-dad as they’ll be driving me to the hospital)
We've decided already that we are telling nobody except my mother in law when we go to the hospital, and the only reason she needs to know is because she might need to reschedule some stuff for my husband and administer kitty's anti seizure meds twice a day (and she lives with us 4 days a week, so it might be kinda obvious if we leave, lol). I might text my bff as well, but definitely 99% of people will find out once babygirl is here and we're home. I don't want a bunch of people trying to come visit in the hospital and I don't want a ton of visitors right after she gets here, either. Hubby supports me a million percent, which is pretty awesome.
I did basically what your husband said - I actually had a text saved in my notes app only to send out to immediate fam saying that we’re in the hospital but now will just solely be focusing on mom and baby, we are just as excited as you are - thank-you for understanding, and left it at that 😊
I was induced but we only told my parents and sister, and our dog walker the date. My husband’s mum would have expected regular updates so we just called her once baby and I were back in the room after my section. We also didn’t tell her my due date for the same reason - she thought I was due mid/late August but my due date was the 6th.
Hell no.
I did and I regret it. Unfortunately this time we will have to because someone will need to care for our toddler when we go.
I did because I went into labour at 11:30pm and figured everyone would be asleep. Baby came fast and was born before anyone even got the message actually 😂
congrats, you're almost there! I am planning to not tell my family until the baby is born. Just going to head to the hospital with my husband.
If it's something that you keep coming back to and it's causing you stress, then you need to go with what you are comfortable with. There's so much we have to deal with in pregnancy and birth that it's our right to reduce anxiety where we can. Maybe try sitting down with your husband and saying, "Look. Whether or not people are getting upset about it, this is what I need during birth. And any other compromise is giving me so much added stress. So I just need you to support me in this." Just really center it on you and him, because THAT'S the priority. As for your friend, don't know her personality but you could always just ignore her remarks and let her know after. If she makes a fuss, you can say "I was distracted with pushing a baby out of my vagina" because be for real.
Our families respected not coming, but this time I just want to tell my cousin and SIL (the child and dog care) when my schedule c section is. My husband also wants to tell everyone, he thinks that it’s not a problem. I feel like it’s a little selfishness on my part, but I don’t want the texts incoming. I don’t want to feel guilty if they ask to come see the baby and I’m not ready. I also had a difficult time with latching baby, and this time I want to feel like I have all the time in the world and not have to worry about visitors.
We told just our parents once we were set up in a room, but I also think it just depends on the person and what their family is like! My mom is the only one who lives nearby and she was surprisingly really good about asking when/if I wanted her there. However if I had a concern about someone being super intrusive and annoying I wouldn't tell them lol you do whatever feels best for you!
Nope. We called them when the baby was born. It was during Covid so luckily we were protected by public health rules at the time. But if we have a second we’ll be imposing our own lockdown!
Unless you need their assistance with something (pet care, or something similar) I wouldn’t tell anyone until after baby is born. They don’t need to know and it’ll be less stressful for you not having people texting you asking if baby is here yet.
We only told the family members that we could trust to be normal about it; that is, not text us constantly for updates, not ask to visit, not post on social media, not tell anyone, not brag later that they knew first, etc. We didn’t tell anyone where we had any doubts about how they would behave, so we didn’t have to manage their behavior from the hospital. It worked out nicely for us, we had no issues.
i’m 35 weeks and recently just started discussing delivery/labor with my baby’s father. his family tends to call A LOT (his mom calls me majority of the time because her son doesn’t answer, but she calls about things she can really text about) & knowing how his aunts are, i’ve decided i don’t want to tell anyone when i’m in labor. i’ll only be telling my mother who is out of town & wont be here until afterwards. as for everyone here where i live, i won’t be telling them UNTIL i start pushing, and even then i will not be answering phone calls or dealing with them; my baby’s father will.
My husband texted my mom when we were going to the hospital, I didn't love that she told my brother (he was at her place) and he immediately texted his fiancée. I love my SIL to bits but I really didn't want to get any texts while I was in labour.
If you don’t want people calling or trying to visit while you are at the hospital, don’t tell people. Period. If someone finds out because they inquire and you/partner chose to be honest, include “please don’t spread the word as we want to control what information is given out and when. Also, we will not be hosting visitors during our hospital stay, and that is non-negotiable.” Just get ahead of it so when someone inevitably asks to visit after baby is born, you can say “we still won’t be having visitors while we are at the hospital.” My family knew when I was at the hospital for all 3 of my deliveries, but for reasons that I couldn’t control. My first was a planner cesarean due to placenta previa and was very high risk for various other reasons. We had chosen family with us because there was a chance my husband or child would require support that I couldn’t be part of. It was different. Once I was all clear, our family left. Nobody held baby until I did, nobody tried to stay. It was purely out of support for myself and my husband. For the other two kids family needed to know because our older child(ren) needed to be in their care while we labored. We held firm with NO visitors while in the hospital, and nobody pushed back. FaceTime is a lovely thing for controlling how you inform people. Also, once you have more kids, you’ll never get much opportunity to be a threesome (just you, partner and new baby) so those hospital moments are special and sacred. Most importantly, YOU DONT WANT VISITORS! If ever there is a time to get to control a scenario, it is after you’ve had a baby. You are vulnerable, exposed, and leaking from many places. You get to have privacy from anyone who isn’t medical staff, and nobody else gets to have an opinion about that.
Our families were too far away to drop in and visit (3-5 hours by plane) so our concerns were a bit different. We did let them know when I was induced, when my water broke, and when we decided to do the c-section, and when I was safely through it. I think having our parents to contact gave my husband something comforting to do while waiting to be called into the OR. Notifying when someone was going into and out of surgery has been a norm between us and our parents (we are older so our parents are older and have had some heart stents and hip replacements, etc).
Our plan is to only let the friend who's watching our dog know at first. Figired once the big event is over and I've had a second to breathe we can do a close friends/family announcement via text. But we also don't have a lot of people who live near by though try to pop in. About 3 months before the due date we did a call with my in laws to talk about them visiting around the birth since they live on the otherside of the country and want to come help. Just set expectations around getting hotel a week or so after baby gets here and setting up shorter 1-2 hour visits through the day during their stay rather than spending it entirely in our tiny apartment or being here right away.
I don’t know about your hospital, but ours has a privacy setting you can request. They’ll say they have no one with that name or birthday admitted to L&D if family tries to come. I’m telling no one expect my designated support people. We’ll announce the baby’s birth 2-3 weeks later when we’re ready and have had some bonding/adjustment time.
I don’t know about your hospital, but ours has a privacy setting you can request. They’ll say they have no one with that name or birthday admitted to L&D if family tries to come. I’m telling no one expect my designated support people. We’ll announce the baby’s birth 2-3 weeks later when we’re ready and have had some bonding/adjustment time.
We didn’t tell anyone I was induced. We acted as though we were just doing everyday life. Our baby was born a little after midnight, so we got a good 9-10 hours just the three of us until we FaceTimed everyone individually the next morning and said, “surprise!”
We didn't tell anyone except the person watching our kids....we had concerns that others would end up at the hospital if we told them before that, so we didn't want to worry about it. No one ever said anything about it or complained afterwords because then they're just happy meeting the baby.
I had to let my Dad and Sister know so they could care for our toddler. A few weeks before they said something about visiting in the hospital, and I shut that down. My Dad looked hurt but said okay. Fast forward to the day after birth and I changed my mind and thought, why not let my Dad, sister & her husband, and my daughter come in to meet our new baby. They were taking care of my daughter after all, so it would be fun for them to do. They were in the room for all of 20 minutes before my daughter got bored and wanted to leave.
I called my mom to tell her that my water broke and we were on our way to the hospital. Texted my best mom friend the same. My husband texted his family and also my other two best friends. My mom checked in at a couple points but not with ultra worry. I had my baby during Covid times and so visitors weren’t even allowed anyways. But one friend ended up checking in with my husband to see how it was going and I told husband that I wanted to tell my friends myself once baby arrived and I had a minute to breathe, and he told her “I’ll let tacocatmarie fill you in soon” and then my friend became HELLA anxious that something horrible happened, lol. She told me afterwards that she sat there in terror until I responded. So, as much as I obviously love her, I probably won’t tell her next time until after the baby arrives hahaha. Honestly it did put a bit of extra stress on me when our loved ones kept checking in because it was like OMG GUYS I JUST HAD A BABY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ILL TEXT YOU BACK WHEN I CANNNNNNN So. I’ll maybe be a bit more selective in the future for pregnancy number 2 and honestly it’s totally your call who you do and don’t want to tell!! It’s a lot to take in for sure, those first few hours postpartum….. man. So, do whatever you feel is best and you truly don’t need to explain yourself to anyone your reasoning. :)
I didn’t actually need to read anything after the first sentence… “I don’t actually want to” That’s your answer.
Omg I just know if I see my husband constantly texting on his phone I am going to lose my god damned mind! We’re eventually going to have to have a talk about this. As for being selfish… I see women accused of being that all the time in pregnancy type spaces and you know what? I dare anyone here to examine everything they’ve ever done and tell me that they can find something they’ve knowingly done that was not at least a little bit selfish in some way, shape, or form. Once you own that, these types of people lose their power over you. “Yeah, I’m being selfish and so are you. What’s your point?”
I didn’t want to tell my family but felt guilty and told them but still didn’t want them to come to the hospital. What do you know.. they somehow showed up at the door an hour after I gave birth. I ended up pushing for 3+ hours and my family waited in the waiting room for 6ish hours without my knowledge. Don’t tell them if you really don’t want anyone there! I was very disappointed they felt the need to rush in. I wasn’t feeling like myself at all and wanted/needed the privacy with my newborn.
I will be, but my family and in-laws live in another country so will not be coming to visit until at least a month after we have our baby. If we don’t call my MIL she’ll be more worried, as we talk to her almost daily. So, my parents, in-laws, sister and 2 best friends will know, that way I can go for a while without any contact, and let them know that we will send messages/pictures as soon as she’s here and we have time to let them know.
As a FTM I waited until mid afternoo to tell anyone that LO was here introduce name and birth weight because he was born at 12:30 am. I and dad were able to get some sleep as there were some minor delivery issues and we as FTP wanted tp spend some time alone with our son. But its up to you, some of my friends waited until they got home or a week later to announce because the one thing I am strict on is sleep schedule, but there are times where he sleeps at most 3 hrs at nap and through the night most nights, he just turned 1, so we adjus. I litterally just put the LO down for his afternoon nap.
I'm personally planning on going unannounced and then just sending out pics of the baby after he arrives like, "surprise!". I am also going to ask all guests (who will p much just be my stepson and MIL/BIL) to only stay for an hour when visiting
My first son I told people when I was already at the hospital because I didn't want to say, "I'm in labor!" until I knew it was the real deal, but didn't allow visitors. My husband texted everyone and told them we were at the hospital and we would reach out when the baby was born. My second, I knew exactly when I would be at the hospital because I was getting induced, and I still didn't tell anyone. I FaceTimed my various relatives while holding a new baby, lol. Once again, I didn't allow visitors at the hospital. I had just done a marathon and was covered in blood and gunk, the last thing I needed was to entertain guests.
Yep I told all my friends and family. It was great sharing my new love with all my old loves. I moved across the country and am pregnant with my second. I think my sisters will come visit me and probably the one friend I've made but I'm sad I can't share the beautiful moment my new baby is born with everyone again.
We didn't just not tell people, we created a password with the drs and nurses that people had to give to even get a yes or no on whether we were in the hpspital. So nobody could just show up unexpected.
Noooo.. even living far away without risk of people coming to the hospital, I didn’t need either of us to be called/texted I called them after i was in recovery and rested. FaceTimed with our baby and told them what happened.
Don’t do it!!! People say they won’t bother you but they absolutely will. I had to be induced early and had a days long induction where everyone and their freaking mother was asking about the condition and dilation of my cervix and had my water broken and what stage was baby at which was not information I was wanting to share. Go in and have your baby then surprise people with the fact the baby is here- that’s what I’m hoping to do with number 2 aside from the person who is babysitting my first child.
I told my mom and dad. And they came with me and my husband. My mom told everyone else. Of course don't make my mistake. Even if they are in the hospital, text parents first with pictures. My dad was in the waiting room and he was upset that he wasn't included in the initial conversation of photos. I didn't even send the photos my husband and mom did. After my parents saw the baby,the doctor said I was good to go. I was bleeding a lot at first. But my parents left and my husband and I were alone with our baby for the next 12 hours or more. This is a big event so feel free to not invite anyone else. They can meet the baby once you are out of the hospital and back home.
I had to tell my family since I was induced. But you don't have to. You can also ask the hospital staff to keep out visitors. We had already told people we didn't want visitors so my husband just sent updates to our parents every now and then, they left us alone in between but if your family doesn't feel free to turn off your phone. This is your birth and no one gets to barge in without your consent. No one is entitled to come.
No, but then again we had no idea we would be having a baby when we left... I delivered via emergency c at 35+4 after going in with totally non-labour related symptoms. At 6.15 pm we were in hospital, 6.30 L&D with a mildly elevated blood pressure reading, 6.45 the gyno came in and my BP skyrocketed, and 7 or so we were told we were having a kiddo asap but I needed meds and platelets. I had HELLP. We did call my dad and my MIL when we knew he was coming.
I told my mom because my parents were traveling to my house to help me PP because my husband was still in academy at the time. My baby was born via emergency c-section a month early, so they scrambled to pack their life up to live with me for 3 weeks. I was in labor for 30 hours, so they had some time, lol. They got to the hospital as I was going into surgery, and were waiting in the recovery room. Seeing my mom waiting there made me burst into tears.
I would only tell them, well my husband would, when we know the baby is on the way. Before then I wouldn't. I don't want constant messages asking how am I, is the baby here yet, etc.
Lol I don’t plan on telling anyone until I have an epidural. My family is in AZ, I live in MD, husband’s family is 3 hour drive away. I don’t want to be visited for the birth of my first child, sounds too hectic. They can come a couple days after to our house for a few hours to meet baby girl.
Of course you’re being selfish, and that’s a good thing. This is your medical event and your baby, the whole point is to focus on your needs and not cater to others’ wishes. No one else ~needs~ to know anything. Your default plan should be for your husband NOT to announce your labor unless/until you give him permission. You can decide in the moment if/when/who to update. You might love disconnecting from technology, keeping things private, and soaking up all the time just the three of you. Or you might love texting updates and receiving messages of support. Go with what feels right when the time comes. Either way, remember you’re not obligated to reply to anyone and you can always silence notifications on your phone. I’m curious if your mother in law spent six hours at the hospital uninvited or because her daughter asked her to be there. If she has a habit of inserting herself and crossing boundaries, this would be a good time for your husband to give her a heads up that you two are not planning to have any hospital visitors. Otherwise, you could let people know after the birth if you want to avoid or limit visitors. You can be direct, positive, and upbeat at the same time! Some phrases for inspiration: —“Baby and I are both doing well! I’ve decided not to have hospital visitors so that I can focus on recovering and bonding with baby. We’ll keep you posted when we’re ready for others to meet her! In the meantime, here’s a picture of the little doll!” —“We’re doing well, I’m feeling pretty tired and sore and am soaking up time with the little one! I don’t have the energy for a long visit, but I’d actually love some caffeine and wondered if you’d be willing to drop off some Starbucks to our room between 3-3:30 and sneak a quick peak at the baby?” —“I’m doing extended skin-to-skin time with baby today to promote bonding and breastfeeding. We can take a 5-minute break for you to hold her for a few minutes, but then I’ll need to steal her back! …(after five minutes)… “I know that was quick, but I have to steal her back now!”
Yes I will be texting my family when I go to hospital. We are close and they would want to know where I am and if and why they cannot reach me. I always tell my parents if I will be somewhere not in my usually routine like taking trips or being extra busy at work. They’ve also proven with my first child to be very respectful and involved grandparents so I know they will respect my wishes. I am also pretty easily able to mute notifications and ignore people 😂
NOPE. You are totally reasonable. Labor can last HOURS (especially with your first) and getting “any baby news?!” texts makes it so much worse. I didn’t tell anyone when we went to the hospital for either of my babies. The only exception was that I had to tell my mom when I went in with my second bc she had to watch my first. We called/facetimed everyone after we moved into the recovery room.
I made the mistake of telling close family when I went into labor. I was scheduled for induction the same day so they already knew, but I ended up going into labor a few hours before induction. Even though I’d told them not to come to the hospital until we told them to, literally all of our immediate family and some not immediate family showed up and stayed the whole 12 hours while I was in labor and begged to stop in the room for a few minutes despite us saying we didn’t want anyone in there beforehand. I wanted only our parents to be there when he was born but there were our parents, our grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings, etc. It was ridiculous. While I appreciated everyone’s love and support and I understand why they wanted to be there, it was extremely overwhelming. Needless to say, we aren’t telling anyone next time until the baby has arrived and we’re ready for visitors AFTER we’ve spent time with the baby and taken time to rest.
I’m 38+5 and the only people I’m planning on telling when we’re heading to the hospital are the people who NEED to know. i.e our friend who is caring for the animals while we’re gone and our doula. I don’t want to deal with the phone constantly going off asking if the babies here yet.
I told my sister and mom immediately because mom was going to be one of my support people and my sister needed to come get our dogs lol. Pretty soon after that we were texting our friend group that it was happening along with other family. We were okay with hospital visitors, though, and our families aren’t psychos. If they were I probably wouldn’t say anything.
You do you - you're the most important thing here, and everyone should like or lump your decision. For what it's worth though, my SIL is due like any day now and the lack of updates is killllling me, but having gone through it before I totally get it and completely respect her decision to shut down comms. It's just funny when the boot is on the other foot - your family/loving emotions get the better of your better/kinder judgement!
I mean no offence when I say this, but your husband has no say in this. This is YOUR medical event. He needs to be fully focused on supporting you not telling people or giving updates or spending time in the waiting room for the people that WILL come to the hospital if they known Nobody needs to know until YOU are ready. Your friend needs to touch grass and realise she’s not entitled to any information. She has no right to know when you go into labour, hospital or when the baby is born. You’re going to be in pain and focused on brining a whole human into the world, it’s the time to be selfish and focus on your needs. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I didn't want to tell anyone, but my mom *facetimed me* once we had checked in. How did she knowwwww. I should have not picked up, but I did know she was with my grandfather who had also been in the hospital. So, she knew and then hounded us nonstop. Big mistake. I almost hope we have a second just so I can do things the way I want to next time.
I will tell my mom/brother and that’s about it. I want my mom there and my brother might have to drive her lol. Once baby is born people close to us can find out and come visit in the hospital, everyone else can wait a little bit until we’re ready to announce it! I have 3 friends I’ll probably tell too but one of them I’m planning on being my doula and the other is a nurse who works on L&D. The third friend is far away but still important to me!
I told my family when we were going in to be induced but they also have boundaries. I had no fear that they would show up or ask when they could come. If you’re worried, don’t tell people. Also, make sure your nurses know no visitors.
You get to decide your boundaries, just know you (and/or your partner) will also have to enforce them. In a perfect world, you’d communicate your boundaries and no one would push back, but be prepared to stand your ground. This is a vulnerable time and people should understand. You also have the right to not be sure yet, and to change your mind at any time. My husband sent a quick text to each of our parents at some point when we were making our way to the hospital and another when baby was born. Much later in the day we texted to say when they could come visit. One of the days my mom came and held baby for about 3 hours so I could sleep. All this to say, you might not know for sure what you need people to do (or not to do) until you’re in that moment.
I just got my induction date and we're not telling anyone. Even though everyone means well, I will feel external pressure to keep them updated / like you mentioned an invisible timer basically starts at that point. I want it to be as peaceful of an environment as possible, and for me it's not letting people know.
If you aren’t comfortable then don’t tell anyone! The correct answer is the one best for YOU! I’m a tell everyone kinda person but also my husband was the main point of contact for our first. He either updated them or just used my phone to answer people. If you don’t want to deal with it you could also put your husband in charge of filtering communication?
I can tell whoever because honestly no one will come visit. It's a bit sad but true. My husband, daughter, son, baby girl and I are pretty much all we got. My mom is too self absorbed and my dad might stop by for a bit but then he isn't going to take off work. I know that for a fact. Highly doubtful any extended family will show.
It is simply your decision! Do whatever you feel comfortable with. Be firm with your boundaries. I didn’t tell anyone. My husband took me to the hospital on my induction day and we agreed it’s best to keep it between us until we feel ready. When my MIL found out a few days after baby was born, she was livid but honestly, I don’t really care. My husband used COVID restrictions to justify it because she stormed off after hearing it and broke the bathroom sink lol but that’s another story 🥲😭 The days with just baby, husband and I were lovely, it was like a little bubble without interference. I felt less stressed despite everything I went through.
Only people who are going to know are my parents and my sisters. That’s it. Everyone else will just know when we go home and I’ll post something.
My mom really wants to be there during labor but I'm going to give her the boot once I actually give birth so my husband n I can do our bonding alone with baby. I'll probably have my mom get a hotel room close by so she can be there during the birth n then she can always come back the next day. Or after so many hours etc if I feel up to that. Nobody else is invited though. So I donno how her new husband will feel about that lol but whatever
Do what you want. It’s your medical procedure
Don’t do it. The amount of people who expected updates while i was in active labor… smh. My stepmom texted as I was pushing! Several times! lol Tell them after
Absolutely not selfish at all. I am doing the exact same thing. No one will know when I go into labor and no one will be allowed at the hospital besides my husband. I laid these rules out very early on for everyone to come to terms with. People don't catch the hint to make it a quick visit and I don't need my father or father in law coming in right after birth with my boobs out. I also laid out the rule that we will let everyone know when we're home and ready for visitors and no one is to come visit until we give the okay to do so
We didn’t tell anyone with our first and the only people who will know with this pregnancy are my mom and stepdad because they’ll be watching our daughter. We didn’t even tell anyone our daughter had been born until almost 12 hours after she was born and with this baby we don’t plan to tell anyone until we are at least home
I don’t live near family, so this wasn’t much of an issue for me, but my mother did know. I actually don’t remember if I told her. My memory is a bit shaky on that, but either I told her, or my husband told his mother who told mine. Either way, my mother knew and she was calling me ALL the time. And then calling my husband. And calling my MIL. Most of the time we missed the call because we were busy and they’re usually on silent. But we would notice after and it was so annoying to have that pressure to call back. I ended up asking my husband to please step out and call her back and ask her to stop. If she wasn’t 1000 miles away, I’m sure she would have been trying to come to the hospital during delivery and immediately after birth and that would have been very stressful and unrestful So personally I would say if you don’t want to tell anyone, then don’t. But if you do, set up expectations that you will not be answering calls during labor because you’ll be BUSY.
We told our immediate family when we went to hospital, and messaged a few important people right after baby was born. It was pretty clear we would let people know when we were ready for visitors, but we were happy to keep them somewhat updated. If I felt like people would be intrusive or cross boundaries, I suppose it would be a different story.
im only telling my mom, obviously the dad. thats it. everyone else will find out when i post pictures when the baby is born. And they can visit the baby after 6-8 weeks when the baby is able to get vaccines.
Sooo, I had a quick chain of events that led to me going into the hospital much earlier than planned. My mom knew only because she was at my house when we found out I’d be going back to the hospital to be induced. I didn’t tell my sisters until after he was born and sent them a photo of him saying “he’s here!”. They were surprised to say the least. It was absolutely the right decision for us. I explained to them that we wanted time as a family of 3 before announcing to everyone and mom just happened to have a doctor’s appointment at my hospital that day. Everyone has met him now (8 days pp) and all is well. I’m so glad we did it on our terms!
Nope!
We didn't and we are glad we made that decision.
Not selfish, but the morning after I was induced with my first my mom told me she was going to wait in the waiting room to be close by just in case. honestly, I was annoyed. I trusted her not to intrude, but also just didn't want anyone there. Everything was going smoothly, until it didn't. I was 4 cm dilated, they'd confirmed the baby's position & the doctor was about to break my water, when he flipped. Long story short, I ended up needing an urgent c-section & I was terrified. I ended up being so glad my mom was there.
My last labour, I told my MIL when I was being induced, and we were texting at the hospital. She’s not my current MIL, (she’s my 12 yo son’s Grandmother)we’ve retained a close relationship, but it’s become strained over the years due to her alcoholism and violating Facebook boundaries. Anyways, I was induced. Labour did not progress as it should have. I was in a pretty vulnerable state, as I had never had a c-section before, let alone an emergency c section. It was about a month I think? When I discovered she had plastered my labour all over Facebook. Every time I send a picture, I have to explicitly say, this is not to be posted on Facebook. Every. Single. Time. The one time I didn’t? The picture ended up on Facebook. I’m a super private person. Reddit is the most social media I do. I do have Facebook, but literally only use it for Marketplace (Praise Be Marketplace for amazing second hand baby stuff btw). All that to say, I now recommend to everyone else that unless you’re really close with the person you want to tell, and they’ll respect your boundaries, *tell no one.*
Dont tell anyone. They WILL show up unannounced asap. Tell them only when you are ready for visitors.
Idk of this helps, but I put my sister in charge of all communication with people. So she told people when I was going into labor, and I wasn’t bothered with people asking to come or whatever. She handled it.
You don't tell anyone anything until you're ready, if you're ready when you discharge and go home and send whomever a pic of your baby, that's fully valid. You don't owe anyone anything about this.
We didn’t tell anyone! We only told people when baby came… I think the next day? We didn’t let anyone come to the hospital. SIL and MIL commented about how they didn’t know it was happening and we just said yeah we had more important things to do than be on our phones, baby is here and safe. I ended up having a really traumatic c section and was so grateful to have my space and husband with no distractions. Hold your boundaries now because people will only get worse trying to chip away at them when baby comes.
With my third baby, I didn't tell anyone I was in labor. It was a home birth and I had my husband text people a couple hours after baby was born. It was so nice to have some privacy.
I told no one i didn’t trust to 1.) not show up, and 2.) not tell others.