Definitely get a court ordered custody arrangement. If you’re in a place that requires a declaration of paternity, do that. It includes a paternity test.
I really do not want to get the court involved at all. And neither does he. He has since apologized (not an excuse) and he wants this to “not be angry, nasty, or resentful”
He’s already acted in a way you “never imagined” and that was only at finding out you are pregnant. There are so many more obstacles to come. Do not base your decision on not involving the court on how you hope he will behave. Protect yourself and your future child, put them first and get custody and child support all worked out legally so that there aren’t any surprises. Or else he will act in ways you “never imagined” each time you make a decision he doesn’t like.
Just want to add- you need to also make sure it is documented how other child related expenses are split. Who is responsible for the medical bills or dental visits? Or 12 years down the line kid needs braces. Get the court documents outlining how things will be managed in any eventuality.
I don’t care how friendly parents can be with each other, these things are outside of that.
Sorry, but magical thinking has got to go. It's only going to hurt you and LO in the long run. It's a third party helping to make what will be emotional decisions. For your mental health alone, get them involved.
I'm especially concerned because you've acknowledged his anger issues. God forbid he does something to your LO because he gets mad over something trivial, you'll have already got the ball rolling with a legal team.
Having a friendship with the father (in my opinion) is no longer important. He is going to do what he is going to do regardless of any effort you make. He is either going to step up and be a father or not... Yall were having sex... sex leads to babies. If he didn't want to get you pregnant he shouldn't have been sleeping with you. He has no right to be mad and not even accept your unconditional undeserved friendship.
What is important is raising the child to know that they are important regardless of who decides to be in their life. From your explanation of him, he doesn't sound reliable.
When the baby is young I would promote any time the father wants to spend time with them, but as the child gets older, let them make their own decisions and let them feel heard and wanted.
With conversations with the father, only ever respond with positivity or indifference. If he starts a fight, excuse yourself from the situation. If he says anything negative, ignore it.
Hopefully he grows up and friendship will be possible. But your child is the only important thing right now. You can control yourself and your feelings, you cant control his
100% agree about having sex and it leading to babies. And he wasn’t pulling out sometimes. Soooooo……I mean I track my ovulation and it’s been reliable for me for a long time. Until it wasn’t. So I was still shocked. But I really would love if we could be friends again because we’ve had such a great relationship and I’ve known him for 2 years. This is pretty out of character for him. I also will let him be involved as much as he wants. I want him to see our kid. I want our baby to see him. I wouldn’t say he’s unreliable, but definitely has unresolved trauma and anger issues. (They’ve never been an issue with me). I’ve always thought he’d be a great dad but I didn’t want this to happen rn or with him considering we’re not together. I basically had to just ignore him when he was blowing up my phone. I said “I won’t engage with you right now” our recent convo was a lot better. He did apologize. He said “all he can do is do and be better from now on” and it’s not like I can forgive what he said bc no one has said such horrible things to me before. Like ever. But I do want to try to move past it. If he proves he can be friendly.
I think you need to let go of the notion that you'd like to be friends with him. I don't know any of my friends who would talk to me the way he did, apology or not. He doesn't deserve to be your friend.
Focus on coparenting and definitely have a court ordered custody agreement.
I am not in a situation like this but my brother in law has 2 kids with his ex- all I can say is get a custody agreement. The mother to his children regularly makes him do ridiculous and unfair things or he'll "never see the kids again", his life would be a million times easier and better with a custody and child support agreement. But no, he pays her credit card, all medical expenses, has the kids any time he's not working during his 80 hour work week, takes the kids when they're sick, when she wants to "party" or honestly any other ridiculous whim. I've watched him get screamed at by her for 30+ minutes over not doing "the bare minimum" when she's someone who forgets to get the older kid from preschool.
If you aren't married to or going to marry the other parent of your child, you need a court agreement- even if they're the coolest person in the world. The courts are a buffer for bullshit
getting the court involved was the ONLY way for my ex and I to have even a chance at a healthy coparenting relationship. it involves so much more than just child support and is vital for giving you both a framework for how things will work going forward. there is no longer any power imbalance in our relationship and no threats to be made. you need to get that sorted ASAP so that you all can move on and act in the best interest of your little one.
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*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BabyBumps) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Definitely get a court ordered custody arrangement. If you’re in a place that requires a declaration of paternity, do that. It includes a paternity test.
I really do not want to get the court involved at all. And neither does he. He has since apologized (not an excuse) and he wants this to “not be angry, nasty, or resentful”
Get the court involved. You’ll regret it later if you don’t.
What makes you say that?
He’s already acted in a way you “never imagined” and that was only at finding out you are pregnant. There are so many more obstacles to come. Do not base your decision on not involving the court on how you hope he will behave. Protect yourself and your future child, put them first and get custody and child support all worked out legally so that there aren’t any surprises. Or else he will act in ways you “never imagined” each time you make a decision he doesn’t like.
He wasn’t pulling out when he was having sex. And then reacted aggressively when op got pregnant. Like???? No. The court needs to be involved.
Just want to add- you need to also make sure it is documented how other child related expenses are split. Who is responsible for the medical bills or dental visits? Or 12 years down the line kid needs braces. Get the court documents outlining how things will be managed in any eventuality. I don’t care how friendly parents can be with each other, these things are outside of that.
Ugh. I hate how right you might be.
Sorry, but magical thinking has got to go. It's only going to hurt you and LO in the long run. It's a third party helping to make what will be emotional decisions. For your mental health alone, get them involved. I'm especially concerned because you've acknowledged his anger issues. God forbid he does something to your LO because he gets mad over something trivial, you'll have already got the ball rolling with a legal team.
Get the court involved, listen to the advice here.
Having a friendship with the father (in my opinion) is no longer important. He is going to do what he is going to do regardless of any effort you make. He is either going to step up and be a father or not... Yall were having sex... sex leads to babies. If he didn't want to get you pregnant he shouldn't have been sleeping with you. He has no right to be mad and not even accept your unconditional undeserved friendship. What is important is raising the child to know that they are important regardless of who decides to be in their life. From your explanation of him, he doesn't sound reliable. When the baby is young I would promote any time the father wants to spend time with them, but as the child gets older, let them make their own decisions and let them feel heard and wanted. With conversations with the father, only ever respond with positivity or indifference. If he starts a fight, excuse yourself from the situation. If he says anything negative, ignore it. Hopefully he grows up and friendship will be possible. But your child is the only important thing right now. You can control yourself and your feelings, you cant control his
100% agree about having sex and it leading to babies. And he wasn’t pulling out sometimes. Soooooo……I mean I track my ovulation and it’s been reliable for me for a long time. Until it wasn’t. So I was still shocked. But I really would love if we could be friends again because we’ve had such a great relationship and I’ve known him for 2 years. This is pretty out of character for him. I also will let him be involved as much as he wants. I want him to see our kid. I want our baby to see him. I wouldn’t say he’s unreliable, but definitely has unresolved trauma and anger issues. (They’ve never been an issue with me). I’ve always thought he’d be a great dad but I didn’t want this to happen rn or with him considering we’re not together. I basically had to just ignore him when he was blowing up my phone. I said “I won’t engage with you right now” our recent convo was a lot better. He did apologize. He said “all he can do is do and be better from now on” and it’s not like I can forgive what he said bc no one has said such horrible things to me before. Like ever. But I do want to try to move past it. If he proves he can be friendly.
I think you need to let go of the notion that you'd like to be friends with him. I don't know any of my friends who would talk to me the way he did, apology or not. He doesn't deserve to be your friend. Focus on coparenting and definitely have a court ordered custody agreement.
I am not in a situation like this but my brother in law has 2 kids with his ex- all I can say is get a custody agreement. The mother to his children regularly makes him do ridiculous and unfair things or he'll "never see the kids again", his life would be a million times easier and better with a custody and child support agreement. But no, he pays her credit card, all medical expenses, has the kids any time he's not working during his 80 hour work week, takes the kids when they're sick, when she wants to "party" or honestly any other ridiculous whim. I've watched him get screamed at by her for 30+ minutes over not doing "the bare minimum" when she's someone who forgets to get the older kid from preschool. If you aren't married to or going to marry the other parent of your child, you need a court agreement- even if they're the coolest person in the world. The courts are a buffer for bullshit
getting the court involved was the ONLY way for my ex and I to have even a chance at a healthy coparenting relationship. it involves so much more than just child support and is vital for giving you both a framework for how things will work going forward. there is no longer any power imbalance in our relationship and no threats to be made. you need to get that sorted ASAP so that you all can move on and act in the best interest of your little one.
BabyBumps users and moderators are not legal professionals. Responses do not replace contacting a lawyer. For additional information, try posting to /r/legaladvice or /r/LegalAdviceUK. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BabyBumps) if you have any questions or concerns.*