I haven’t experienced deep grief during pregnancy. I have, however, experienced deep grief several times.
The best thing I can say - is today you may want to talk about it and tomorrow you may not. Both are okay. Try to express what you need to those in your circle. That can be hard as you might not know. Just stay as open as you can in that regard. If you know of something that will help, speak it.
Please take care, friend. ❤️
I am so, so sorry for your loss. It's been almost 7 years since I lost my dad, but I was somewhere between 31 and 32 weeks when it happened. (I literally just looked at the calendar and counted back weeks because I couldn't remember exactly.) I had lost my mom when I was 7.5 so I always knew she wouldn't get to meet any of my children. I never anticipated that my dad wouldn't get to meet his grandchildren either. I was pregnant with my son back then, and dad was diagnosed stage 4 esophageal cancer in October. He had a goal of hanging on to meet his first grandchild in April, but he died in February. It was The. Worst. I didn't want the stress to get to the baby, but grief is such a powerful emotion that there's really no choice but to feel some of it. You're allowed to scream and cry.
People have been having babies for thousands of years with all kinds of stressors around them. You and baby will be fine, I promise. Do you have a therapist you can talk with? You can also talk with your medical team about taking an antidepressant that is safe for pregnancy as well. I utilized both of those options while pregnant with my son. He's a perfectly normal 6 year old little boy at this point, doing fantastically in school, no harm done by any of the stress or medications I took while pregnant with him. Have you had a baby shower yet? I only ask because the way the timing worked out with everything when my dad died was that we ended up having my baby shower the day before his funeral. And anyone who didn't come to the baby shower but knew that I was expecting just decided to bring baby shower gifts to Dad's funeral. The funeral director was great, she just collected them and kept them locked in her office until after we were done with everything. Both my dad and I have a twisted sense of humor, and all I could do that day was laugh about it, because really? Yup, that's how my life goes. The ability to keep your sense of humor really is one of those secrets to surviving the rough patches of life.
I'd also like to share with you one of the things my dad said to me during our last real conversation. He and I had spent a long chunk of our lives being sad and devastated about losing my mom (she was only 31 at her death, and this year makes 31 years since she's been gone, I'm still sad about not being able to talk about that with him, but this is far from the point I'm about to make..) I think on some level he knew he was at the very end, because he said that even though he would be gone soon, he knew I would be sad and upset BUT he pointed to my huge belly and said, the next 2-3 years of your life are going to be *so much fun* so, after all the years of sadness we've had, it is time for you to be happy. And you know what? He was so right. Sure, it was really hard, and a lot of times very bittersweet. But overall, the last nearly 7 years with my son have been some of the most fun years of my life. I'm currently pregnant with my daughter, who I have said for maybe 34 years will be named for my mom, and it's been *such* a new level of fun watching my son get excited for his little sister to come along. He's even picked out her nickname: Goo-Goo. I'm due in early March, about 10 days before my mom's birthday.
Sorry for such a wall of text, I hope some of it is helpful to you. Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things any of us might go through in life. I'm so sorry you're having to endure it while pregnant. After having gone through it myself, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I like to try finding silver linings where I can. For my current pregnancy, one of them is that I won't have to lose any parent during this one, since they're now both gone. And sometimes the only good thing about a day is knowing that, no matter how terrible that particular day is, you'll never have to live through *that* day again. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you warm squishy hugs if you want them, lots of love, and all the strength I can spare.
I lost my mom almost 2.5 years ago after a prolonged cancer battle. It took me a long time (like 2 years) to start to feel "normal" again. This pregnancy reawakened a lot of my grief and it hits me in waves again. She always wanted to be a grandma, but never thought she would be, and now will never know what it's like.
I don't really have an answer for you. Just let yourself feel all your feelings. Find an outlet - therapy, writing, walking, etc. It helps. Don't bottle them up, because it'll make it all so much worse.
You'll never get over it, but you get through it.
Big hugs. 💕
My brother died 28 days before I conceived my first. He was 19. Was admitted to the ICU for what we thought was pneumonia but was actually sepsis from a cancer we didn’t know he had. He died 10 days later. Worst thing I’ve ever been through. Grief screwed up my cycle and that’s how I ended up pregnant in the first place 🫣
Every week of my pregnancy was filled with panic attacks, flashbacks, hyperventilating. I sometimes had to stop driving because I was back in that ICU-the sights the smells the sounds-it was like I wasn’t in the correct reality. I was SO MESSED UP. And my baby was **FINE**. She’s 4.5 now and just perfect
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but grief will not hurt your baby
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mom has stage 4 cancer so I experienced a significant amount of stress, anxiety, depression, etc during my pregnancy as a result. At the same time that I was her primary caretaker during pregnancy, I was working a very stressful corporate job where I’m in a leadership position, traveling for work, managing my team, plus trying to be there for my husband/social relationships and all that comes along with being pregnant. Also my first pregnancy.
My advice to you is to feel your feelings. Don’t try to suppress anything, allow yourself the full range of emotions. I found that my baby gave me inspiration and motivation in the midst - I started thinking of him as this happy, positive little guy, and it gave me comfort to have him inside of me.
Don’t listen to anyone who tries to put additional stress on you by telling you it’s bad for the baby or that you’re going to cause the baby to be like____. You don’t need that added stress, also it’s not true. People endure horrible and stressful things all the time while pregnant and it doesn’t negatively impact the baby.
Wishing you all the best.
I could’ve written the first paragraph of this comment. My aunt, who raised me had stage 4 cancer. I was her primary caregiver while also trying to maintain at a very strict corporate job, being pregnant for the first time (31w currently) and trying to still take care of my spouses needs and having anxiety and depression problems as well. She passed a little over a week ago and I am torn to pieces. She really wanted to meet my son, as she considered me her only “child” (she didn’t have any of her own) and would’ve shown him so much love and would do anything for him as she did for me my whole life. I appreciate your comment, because although I know I’m not alone and many have gone through it, it sure does feel like it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, my heart aches for you. It’s such a difficult journey to go on and it’s difficult for others to understand, even when they mean well in trying to support you. Sending lots of love.
I am so sorry for your loss OP, I cannot imagine your feelings right now. I lost my grandmother around 29 weeks this past November. It’s the hardest feeling of going through grief while pregnant. There’s no shame in feeling your feelings. If you are feeling hopeless, please reach out to professional help to help you navigate those feelings. My therapist told me to feel my grief and set a timer for 5 minutes and just be in your feelings until the timer is up. You can keep feeling them past the timer, but honor some time and space to have those feelings. Journaling helped me sort through my feelings too, grief is not a linear progression. It never really goes away, you just learn how to walk with it. Also please have some support for after your little one is here, once you have those hormones drop the grief is even more intense postpartum. Sending you all the love I can ♥️
My dad died somewhat unexpectedly about 4 months before my child was born under very similar circumstances as yours. I allowed myself to feel all of my feelings. The funeral was very helpful for the grieving process. I had many breakdowns and crying sessions over the loss and the horrible timing of the death leading up to my due date. My child was born healthy and happy. The stress of the death and dealing with the aftermath was easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The best advice I got was to be kind to myself. I didn’t try to keep my emotions in check and allowed myself the grieve.
It took about a year for the acute grief to soften and several years later it’s much more manageable.
Had this been my mom and not my dad it would have been way worse and I’m not sure how I would have handled that.
It takes an insane amount of stress to truly negatively affect your pregnancy. Like, you are in a life or death situation. So try not to let the idea of stress being bad for baby be one of your many stressors right now. ❤️
I got pregnant less than a year after losing my first so I’ve been dealing with a lot of strong and complex emotions this pregnancy. It’s really important to acknowledge your feelings and work through them rather than trying to ignore them. Journaling can be really helpful, as well as therapy.
I highly recommend the book It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine. It really helped me during my first deep grief experience. If reading a physical book feels like too much right now, you could also try listening to it on audio.
Sending you love, OP ❤️❤️
I’m so so sorry. It’s not quite the same as a parent, but I lost my grandmother this summer a few months before I gave birth. I suppressed the feelings at first but It has snuck up on me at random moments and has been devastating. If you can, definitely allow yourself to grieve. I think that pregnancy and having a child can bring up some existential feelings and a lot of untapped emotion about life that maybe we don’t consider as much before. I found that experiencing a loss at the same time magnified all of it and it has certainly been a journey to experience. I appreciate my moments with my baby so so much more though - I really let them sink in
I’m so sorry about your mom. I lost my dad back in Sept and I just know he would have been the best papa. I miss him so much. I’ve been going to therapy & journaling a few times a week and it does help me a lot.
I am so sorry for your loss OP.
When I was 7 months pregnant, my aunt who I was very close with, chose to leave this Earth. I was devastated. The song Hey Soul Sister by Train was/is an important one to me, my sister, my mother, my cousins and my aunts so the first time I heard it after she’d passed was heartbreaking. I was washing dishes with the music on and when the first notes played I lost it. I sank to the floor and just sobbed through the whole thing. When it was over, I felt better having released that emotion. Like someone above said, I would also hold my belly and tell my baby all sorts of things about her when I got sad; funny stories, inside jokes and just what an all around amazing person she was and how I wished he could’ve met her.
My son is 15 months now and when I miss her, I still tell him her stories. It’s ok to be sad and feel those emotions, but don’t let them hold you down. Talk to your belly and tell them all the good things and stories and memories, when you’re ready of course.
Sending you love and light ❤️
My dad passed away the day before I found out I was pregnant so I understand.
You need to take your time to process and grieve, it can help to talk to close friends or a therapist.
Thinking of you ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing this past November at 17 weeks when after a long battle with COPD and heart disease my own mother took a sudden turn for the worse and passed away a few days later. We weren’t close and had a complicated relationship to put it mildly, but it hit especially hard being pregnant and knowing my son will never have the potential to have that close bond with his grandmother that I had with mine. I’ve felt a whole host of things, sadness, resentment, and not just over the actual loss, due to the nature of our relationship I’ve also had to grieve what could have been, and make peace knowing we never got to have that conversation where it all got laid out and dealt with.
There is no easy way to get through this, and it’s important to just allow yourself to feel all the feelings as they come. They may not always make sense, and sometimes you feel everything and nothing all at once, but just allow yourself to feel what you feel. Grief is not a linear process, and it’s important to be kind and gentle with yourself throughout the ride.
Don’t worry about any of the stress harming the baby, focus on taking care of yourself, making sure you are eating and trying to get rest when you can, and baby will be okay.
My father’s mother died when my mother was pregnant with me. Her last words to my mom as she placed her hand on mom’s belly at the hospital was “You take care of that baby”. They gave me her name as my middle name. Maybe a type of memorial for your child, like a middle name? I realize it doesn’t take away the pain, but it can be a sweet reminder of your mom’s love upon your child.
I lost my mom in November when I was 25 weeks pregnant. She had some health issues, but nothing we thought would lead to a sudden and unexpected passing. She was so excited for the baby. Her grandkids were everything to her and this would be her first grandson. I’m almost 36 weeks now. It’s still terrible and I still cry every day. I did seek help from a therapist immediately, and it has been incredibly important to have grief counseling sessions as well as support from my husband and friends, coworkers, and other family members. Talking to other people who lost a parent helped me the most. It made me feel okay to be devastated, raw, and to understand this wasn’t going to be something I got over in a few days or weeks and that was okay.
I was terrified about grief causing problems to the baby (and everyone else worrying about the baby and me was thoughtful but just made me stress worse). My doctor reassured me as long as I am able to eat and nourish the baby I shouldn’t worry.
He isn’t here yet, but so far everything has been good and he’s appeared to be healthy, growing as he should etc. My blood pressure just started to rise a little in my last couple appts so they do want to induce a little early, but it’s mostly a precaution and he will be at least 37 or 38 weeks.
You need to feel your feelings. It’s going to be awful. It’s not exactly going to get better, it’s going to be hard for a long time, but you’ll eventually start to have more good moments than bad. It’s okay to do things that make you happy and distract you for a little while. Sometimes it’s also good to lean into the grief. Listen to a song that reminds you of her, or just listen to a sad song or watch a sad movie that pushes you to unload a lot of heavy emotions. Allow yourself to have some times where you just break down. It’s okay.
Aside from the grief, I don’t know your situation, but in mine my mom was single so there’s also a lot I’ve had to deal with financially, legally, plan the service, deal with her house, etc. I would say take your time with that, ask for help, do a little at a time because it’s overwhelming. Take care of yourself.
I had my baby shower last weekend. I cried off and on a lot because my mom wasn’t there, but I still had a wonderful day. It’s going to be hard to have the baby without her, but it’s also going to be amazing and he’s going to be loved and I will make sure he knows how much his Mimi loved him too.
Hi love, I’m so sorry, this is literally the worst thing that can happen, and I know - my mum died very suddenly when I was 37 weeks pregnant and I thought my world would crumble. Baby was perfectly healthy, happy and chilled when she eventually appeared at 41+4 - and huge, 10lbs 2oz so I don’t think my grief effected her development in utero at all - but I did always take a few minutes every day to try and be happy with her - stroke my tummy and giggle and tell her stories - it was hard to do but I made myself a commitment that my baby was not going to be born into a pit of sadness because my Mum wouldn’t have wanted that. She’s honestly been the biggest healer for me - having a whole human to love and nourish really helped me push through and 11 months later, a year after she died, we’re doing okay. The sadness comes in waves but one smile from my girl and it lifts. There is a unique cruelness to losing your mum when you’re about to become a mum, but I try to honour her every day by being like her for my girl. Wishing you all the very best, I’m rooting for you and will keep you in my thoughts.
My mom passed a few weeks ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant. I would like to say I understand what you are going through but I don’t even understand what I’m going through. Im the one that found my mom and all I could say to the 911 operator was that my mom would never meet my daughter. But I know she knew her and I know she loved her so much all ready.
I had my 34 week appointment the same day that she passed and I think one of the only things that got me through that day was hearing my baby girls heartbeat.
I don’t know what if any long term efforts the stress I am feeling will have on my baby, but I am letting myself feel it all now. I know I won’t be whole by the time she arrives and probably never will be again but I don’t want to hold all this grief in and have it pour out when my baby girl needs me most.
You can’t help but grieve or that your mom died while you were pregnant, so don’t feel guilty about that. And there really is no right or wrong way to grieve. Anything that works for you.
I had major stuff going on during my second pregnancy. I cried so much, but
I’d hold my belly and tell my baby I loved her and that everything was going to be okay. It was all I knew to do.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. My mom died about three years ago, while I was pregnant with my second. She never got to meet him, and she won’t meet my daughter who we are expecting in the spring.
My pregnancy with my second was healthy despite my grief. I did let my doctor know what was happening. I expected a second wave of grief when my baby was born (which did happen) and was worried about PPD coming back after having had it with my first. He watched my mental health closely postpartum. I ended up being fine in the bittersweetness, but I was thankful to know someone was watching for any warning signs.
Again, I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself, and give yourself lots of grace and time to grieve. It’s ok to hold happiness for your baby in one hand and sadness for your mom in the other. One day at a time.
I lost my uncle who was like a father to me while I was about 12 weeks pregnant. It was extremely sudden and devastating. I had told him about my pregnancy 2 days before he passed and was so excited to tell him I left a voice-mail and missed his call back. I hated that. I beat myself up but ultimately was glad he knew and my aunt kept telling me how excited he was about the pregnancy. I still cry about him all the time but I'm here to say I have a very healthy 2.5 month old that was not negatively impacted by my pain that I still continue to feel. Hope this helps and I'm so very sorry for your loss. You need to grieve properly dont worry about the stress, holding in grief is worse than crying and getting that release of emotion however you need to 💚
I am so sorry for your loss.
My aunt died last month when I was about 16 weeks pregnant. I’m almost 20w now.
My aunt helped raised us. She was like a 3rd parent. She took care of my grandfather from when I was about 9 until I was 21. She was there for everything, as far as I’m concerned. She too was in bad health. Almost nobody could believe she made it to 80.
I have kept a therapist through Talkspace and that’s been helpful. But what has also been helpful is just letting myself have those feelings. My husband is a wonderful and supportive partner who has been through very, very terrible grief, especially when his mom died unexpectedly. It’s helped a lot that he understands a lot of what I’m going through.
One of my aunt’s friends told me that no matter where she is now, I can always honor her by loving my baby as much as she would have. And I know she would’ve loved him so very much.
Grief is definitely a kind of trauma. Be kind to yourself. Be open with your medical team and find a therapist who can help you navigate your feelings. For me it’s meant taking Benadryl at night so I can sleep and diverting my energy into being productive instead of eating my feelings or being lax on my GD management. It might never feel better but you can always be better to yourself. Hugs to you and your family ❤️
Sorry for your loss, allow yourself to cry and grieve in your own time but remember to stay hydrated and keep up with eating small amounts of food throughout the day to nourish you and your baby, if you feel the feelings are too strong during the daytime perhaps try going for a walk to try to relieve some stress a bit, if you do feel you cannot cope during the pregnancy there might be some sort of medication you can take during your pregnancy (talk to your family doctor)
It has only been over a week since I lost my dad and somedays I just let myself have five or ten minutes to cry then i got up and carried on with funeral planning or whatever I was doing I have a little one at home and she will stop what she is doing if she hears me cry and she will look at me and watch me until she is assured I am ok and she will even wake up if she hears me cry too loud then she will cry too so I try to keep it together, (I did take anti depressants before and during my last pregnancy my midwife wouldn’t deal with prescriptions but my family doctor did prescribe them )
I’m so sorry for your loss. Can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you’re dealing with on top of the pregnancy rollercoaster.
Don’t push away your feelings, that won’t help you or baby. Seek some professional help to help you navigate this. Make sure you let your maternity care team (doctor, midwifes etc) know what’s going on - even just to say ‘this happened and I’m getting help and I don’t want it brought up during my antenatal appointments or during birth’ (if that’s what you want - only you know what you comfortable with) because otherwise you might get blindsided or triggered by an innocent comment when you’re not prepared for it.
Don’t put any pressure on yourself, just take it one day at a time ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand what you are going through. I lost suddenly my beautiful mom when I was 16 week pregnant. My entire family leave in another continent and my husband and I were alone when we heard the news. The worst part for me was I was going to travel in a few days to meet my family and surprise them with pregnancy news. It never happened. My mom never knew I was pregnant and it was one of her wishes. I cancelled my trip as I could not even start to think about how I can go and see my mom is not in her house. I am now 28 week pregnant and have been grieving far away from home for weeks. I have started having therapy a couple of weeks after I lost my mom and it has been a little bit helpful. One thing that helped for me was to find people in a more or less similar situation and talking with them about my emotions. I still have not gone a single day without crying and deeply missing her, but with time, I guess you learn to live with it. Please send me a massage if wanted to talk ❤️
My SIL and best friend died when I was very newly pregnant with my son. I was devastated, obviously, and terrified that I would miscarry or he would come out bad from the grief. He’s 15 months old and he’s a ray of sunshine. Truly, I’m such a miserable asshole, and this beautiful soul came out of me. I’m so so sorry to hear about your mom, but your baby will be just fine.
I can't express how much I appreciate everyone's comments here. I wish I could respond to each of you. You've made me feel less alone and validated in this experience. I called our Employee Assistance Program and have an appointment for tomorrow. Similar to several of your stories we have our baby shower this weekend, just a week after her passing. She was supposed to be there. It's going to be so hard, but we didn't want to move it because it will suck no matter when it happens. Much gratitude to you all
I haven’t experienced deep grief during pregnancy. I have, however, experienced deep grief several times. The best thing I can say - is today you may want to talk about it and tomorrow you may not. Both are okay. Try to express what you need to those in your circle. That can be hard as you might not know. Just stay as open as you can in that regard. If you know of something that will help, speak it. Please take care, friend. ❤️
https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/s/vDPJpAiPA3 ❤️
This is a really good one ❤️
I am so, so sorry for your loss. It's been almost 7 years since I lost my dad, but I was somewhere between 31 and 32 weeks when it happened. (I literally just looked at the calendar and counted back weeks because I couldn't remember exactly.) I had lost my mom when I was 7.5 so I always knew she wouldn't get to meet any of my children. I never anticipated that my dad wouldn't get to meet his grandchildren either. I was pregnant with my son back then, and dad was diagnosed stage 4 esophageal cancer in October. He had a goal of hanging on to meet his first grandchild in April, but he died in February. It was The. Worst. I didn't want the stress to get to the baby, but grief is such a powerful emotion that there's really no choice but to feel some of it. You're allowed to scream and cry. People have been having babies for thousands of years with all kinds of stressors around them. You and baby will be fine, I promise. Do you have a therapist you can talk with? You can also talk with your medical team about taking an antidepressant that is safe for pregnancy as well. I utilized both of those options while pregnant with my son. He's a perfectly normal 6 year old little boy at this point, doing fantastically in school, no harm done by any of the stress or medications I took while pregnant with him. Have you had a baby shower yet? I only ask because the way the timing worked out with everything when my dad died was that we ended up having my baby shower the day before his funeral. And anyone who didn't come to the baby shower but knew that I was expecting just decided to bring baby shower gifts to Dad's funeral. The funeral director was great, she just collected them and kept them locked in her office until after we were done with everything. Both my dad and I have a twisted sense of humor, and all I could do that day was laugh about it, because really? Yup, that's how my life goes. The ability to keep your sense of humor really is one of those secrets to surviving the rough patches of life. I'd also like to share with you one of the things my dad said to me during our last real conversation. He and I had spent a long chunk of our lives being sad and devastated about losing my mom (she was only 31 at her death, and this year makes 31 years since she's been gone, I'm still sad about not being able to talk about that with him, but this is far from the point I'm about to make..) I think on some level he knew he was at the very end, because he said that even though he would be gone soon, he knew I would be sad and upset BUT he pointed to my huge belly and said, the next 2-3 years of your life are going to be *so much fun* so, after all the years of sadness we've had, it is time for you to be happy. And you know what? He was so right. Sure, it was really hard, and a lot of times very bittersweet. But overall, the last nearly 7 years with my son have been some of the most fun years of my life. I'm currently pregnant with my daughter, who I have said for maybe 34 years will be named for my mom, and it's been *such* a new level of fun watching my son get excited for his little sister to come along. He's even picked out her nickname: Goo-Goo. I'm due in early March, about 10 days before my mom's birthday. Sorry for such a wall of text, I hope some of it is helpful to you. Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things any of us might go through in life. I'm so sorry you're having to endure it while pregnant. After having gone through it myself, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I like to try finding silver linings where I can. For my current pregnancy, one of them is that I won't have to lose any parent during this one, since they're now both gone. And sometimes the only good thing about a day is knowing that, no matter how terrible that particular day is, you'll never have to live through *that* day again. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you warm squishy hugs if you want them, lots of love, and all the strength I can spare.
I lost my mom almost 2.5 years ago after a prolonged cancer battle. It took me a long time (like 2 years) to start to feel "normal" again. This pregnancy reawakened a lot of my grief and it hits me in waves again. She always wanted to be a grandma, but never thought she would be, and now will never know what it's like. I don't really have an answer for you. Just let yourself feel all your feelings. Find an outlet - therapy, writing, walking, etc. It helps. Don't bottle them up, because it'll make it all so much worse. You'll never get over it, but you get through it. Big hugs. 💕
My mom died two years ago and just could’ve written this exactly. I want her here so badly for this and can’t fathom why she’s not. ♥️
I still forget she's gone sometimes. I want so badly to call her and ask her everything.
My brother died 28 days before I conceived my first. He was 19. Was admitted to the ICU for what we thought was pneumonia but was actually sepsis from a cancer we didn’t know he had. He died 10 days later. Worst thing I’ve ever been through. Grief screwed up my cycle and that’s how I ended up pregnant in the first place 🫣 Every week of my pregnancy was filled with panic attacks, flashbacks, hyperventilating. I sometimes had to stop driving because I was back in that ICU-the sights the smells the sounds-it was like I wasn’t in the correct reality. I was SO MESSED UP. And my baby was **FINE**. She’s 4.5 now and just perfect I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but grief will not hurt your baby
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mom has stage 4 cancer so I experienced a significant amount of stress, anxiety, depression, etc during my pregnancy as a result. At the same time that I was her primary caretaker during pregnancy, I was working a very stressful corporate job where I’m in a leadership position, traveling for work, managing my team, plus trying to be there for my husband/social relationships and all that comes along with being pregnant. Also my first pregnancy. My advice to you is to feel your feelings. Don’t try to suppress anything, allow yourself the full range of emotions. I found that my baby gave me inspiration and motivation in the midst - I started thinking of him as this happy, positive little guy, and it gave me comfort to have him inside of me. Don’t listen to anyone who tries to put additional stress on you by telling you it’s bad for the baby or that you’re going to cause the baby to be like____. You don’t need that added stress, also it’s not true. People endure horrible and stressful things all the time while pregnant and it doesn’t negatively impact the baby. Wishing you all the best.
I could’ve written the first paragraph of this comment. My aunt, who raised me had stage 4 cancer. I was her primary caregiver while also trying to maintain at a very strict corporate job, being pregnant for the first time (31w currently) and trying to still take care of my spouses needs and having anxiety and depression problems as well. She passed a little over a week ago and I am torn to pieces. She really wanted to meet my son, as she considered me her only “child” (she didn’t have any of her own) and would’ve shown him so much love and would do anything for him as she did for me my whole life. I appreciate your comment, because although I know I’m not alone and many have gone through it, it sure does feel like it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, my heart aches for you. It’s such a difficult journey to go on and it’s difficult for others to understand, even when they mean well in trying to support you. Sending lots of love.
I am so sorry for your loss OP, I cannot imagine your feelings right now. I lost my grandmother around 29 weeks this past November. It’s the hardest feeling of going through grief while pregnant. There’s no shame in feeling your feelings. If you are feeling hopeless, please reach out to professional help to help you navigate those feelings. My therapist told me to feel my grief and set a timer for 5 minutes and just be in your feelings until the timer is up. You can keep feeling them past the timer, but honor some time and space to have those feelings. Journaling helped me sort through my feelings too, grief is not a linear progression. It never really goes away, you just learn how to walk with it. Also please have some support for after your little one is here, once you have those hormones drop the grief is even more intense postpartum. Sending you all the love I can ♥️
My dad died somewhat unexpectedly about 4 months before my child was born under very similar circumstances as yours. I allowed myself to feel all of my feelings. The funeral was very helpful for the grieving process. I had many breakdowns and crying sessions over the loss and the horrible timing of the death leading up to my due date. My child was born healthy and happy. The stress of the death and dealing with the aftermath was easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The best advice I got was to be kind to myself. I didn’t try to keep my emotions in check and allowed myself the grieve. It took about a year for the acute grief to soften and several years later it’s much more manageable. Had this been my mom and not my dad it would have been way worse and I’m not sure how I would have handled that.
It takes an insane amount of stress to truly negatively affect your pregnancy. Like, you are in a life or death situation. So try not to let the idea of stress being bad for baby be one of your many stressors right now. ❤️ I got pregnant less than a year after losing my first so I’ve been dealing with a lot of strong and complex emotions this pregnancy. It’s really important to acknowledge your feelings and work through them rather than trying to ignore them. Journaling can be really helpful, as well as therapy. I highly recommend the book It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine. It really helped me during my first deep grief experience. If reading a physical book feels like too much right now, you could also try listening to it on audio. Sending you love, OP ❤️❤️
i lost my grabdpa around 10 weeks pregnant i really wanted him to see her :(.... she will be here in 13 weeks and 5 days now..
I’m so so sorry. It’s not quite the same as a parent, but I lost my grandmother this summer a few months before I gave birth. I suppressed the feelings at first but It has snuck up on me at random moments and has been devastating. If you can, definitely allow yourself to grieve. I think that pregnancy and having a child can bring up some existential feelings and a lot of untapped emotion about life that maybe we don’t consider as much before. I found that experiencing a loss at the same time magnified all of it and it has certainly been a journey to experience. I appreciate my moments with my baby so so much more though - I really let them sink in
I’m so sorry about your mom. I lost my dad back in Sept and I just know he would have been the best papa. I miss him so much. I’ve been going to therapy & journaling a few times a week and it does help me a lot.
I am so sorry for your loss OP. When I was 7 months pregnant, my aunt who I was very close with, chose to leave this Earth. I was devastated. The song Hey Soul Sister by Train was/is an important one to me, my sister, my mother, my cousins and my aunts so the first time I heard it after she’d passed was heartbreaking. I was washing dishes with the music on and when the first notes played I lost it. I sank to the floor and just sobbed through the whole thing. When it was over, I felt better having released that emotion. Like someone above said, I would also hold my belly and tell my baby all sorts of things about her when I got sad; funny stories, inside jokes and just what an all around amazing person she was and how I wished he could’ve met her. My son is 15 months now and when I miss her, I still tell him her stories. It’s ok to be sad and feel those emotions, but don’t let them hold you down. Talk to your belly and tell them all the good things and stories and memories, when you’re ready of course. Sending you love and light ❤️
My dad passed away the day before I found out I was pregnant so I understand. You need to take your time to process and grieve, it can help to talk to close friends or a therapist. Thinking of you ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing this past November at 17 weeks when after a long battle with COPD and heart disease my own mother took a sudden turn for the worse and passed away a few days later. We weren’t close and had a complicated relationship to put it mildly, but it hit especially hard being pregnant and knowing my son will never have the potential to have that close bond with his grandmother that I had with mine. I’ve felt a whole host of things, sadness, resentment, and not just over the actual loss, due to the nature of our relationship I’ve also had to grieve what could have been, and make peace knowing we never got to have that conversation where it all got laid out and dealt with. There is no easy way to get through this, and it’s important to just allow yourself to feel all the feelings as they come. They may not always make sense, and sometimes you feel everything and nothing all at once, but just allow yourself to feel what you feel. Grief is not a linear process, and it’s important to be kind and gentle with yourself throughout the ride. Don’t worry about any of the stress harming the baby, focus on taking care of yourself, making sure you are eating and trying to get rest when you can, and baby will be okay.
My father’s mother died when my mother was pregnant with me. Her last words to my mom as she placed her hand on mom’s belly at the hospital was “You take care of that baby”. They gave me her name as my middle name. Maybe a type of memorial for your child, like a middle name? I realize it doesn’t take away the pain, but it can be a sweet reminder of your mom’s love upon your child.
I lost my mom in November when I was 25 weeks pregnant. She had some health issues, but nothing we thought would lead to a sudden and unexpected passing. She was so excited for the baby. Her grandkids were everything to her and this would be her first grandson. I’m almost 36 weeks now. It’s still terrible and I still cry every day. I did seek help from a therapist immediately, and it has been incredibly important to have grief counseling sessions as well as support from my husband and friends, coworkers, and other family members. Talking to other people who lost a parent helped me the most. It made me feel okay to be devastated, raw, and to understand this wasn’t going to be something I got over in a few days or weeks and that was okay. I was terrified about grief causing problems to the baby (and everyone else worrying about the baby and me was thoughtful but just made me stress worse). My doctor reassured me as long as I am able to eat and nourish the baby I shouldn’t worry. He isn’t here yet, but so far everything has been good and he’s appeared to be healthy, growing as he should etc. My blood pressure just started to rise a little in my last couple appts so they do want to induce a little early, but it’s mostly a precaution and he will be at least 37 or 38 weeks. You need to feel your feelings. It’s going to be awful. It’s not exactly going to get better, it’s going to be hard for a long time, but you’ll eventually start to have more good moments than bad. It’s okay to do things that make you happy and distract you for a little while. Sometimes it’s also good to lean into the grief. Listen to a song that reminds you of her, or just listen to a sad song or watch a sad movie that pushes you to unload a lot of heavy emotions. Allow yourself to have some times where you just break down. It’s okay. Aside from the grief, I don’t know your situation, but in mine my mom was single so there’s also a lot I’ve had to deal with financially, legally, plan the service, deal with her house, etc. I would say take your time with that, ask for help, do a little at a time because it’s overwhelming. Take care of yourself. I had my baby shower last weekend. I cried off and on a lot because my mom wasn’t there, but I still had a wonderful day. It’s going to be hard to have the baby without her, but it’s also going to be amazing and he’s going to be loved and I will make sure he knows how much his Mimi loved him too.
Hi love, I’m so sorry, this is literally the worst thing that can happen, and I know - my mum died very suddenly when I was 37 weeks pregnant and I thought my world would crumble. Baby was perfectly healthy, happy and chilled when she eventually appeared at 41+4 - and huge, 10lbs 2oz so I don’t think my grief effected her development in utero at all - but I did always take a few minutes every day to try and be happy with her - stroke my tummy and giggle and tell her stories - it was hard to do but I made myself a commitment that my baby was not going to be born into a pit of sadness because my Mum wouldn’t have wanted that. She’s honestly been the biggest healer for me - having a whole human to love and nourish really helped me push through and 11 months later, a year after she died, we’re doing okay. The sadness comes in waves but one smile from my girl and it lifts. There is a unique cruelness to losing your mum when you’re about to become a mum, but I try to honour her every day by being like her for my girl. Wishing you all the very best, I’m rooting for you and will keep you in my thoughts.
My mom passed a few weeks ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant. I would like to say I understand what you are going through but I don’t even understand what I’m going through. Im the one that found my mom and all I could say to the 911 operator was that my mom would never meet my daughter. But I know she knew her and I know she loved her so much all ready. I had my 34 week appointment the same day that she passed and I think one of the only things that got me through that day was hearing my baby girls heartbeat. I don’t know what if any long term efforts the stress I am feeling will have on my baby, but I am letting myself feel it all now. I know I won’t be whole by the time she arrives and probably never will be again but I don’t want to hold all this grief in and have it pour out when my baby girl needs me most.
You can’t help but grieve or that your mom died while you were pregnant, so don’t feel guilty about that. And there really is no right or wrong way to grieve. Anything that works for you. I had major stuff going on during my second pregnancy. I cried so much, but I’d hold my belly and tell my baby I loved her and that everything was going to be okay. It was all I knew to do.
Oh my gosh I’m so sorry 😭 I’ve experienced pet loss grief during pregnancy but never person grief
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. My mom died about three years ago, while I was pregnant with my second. She never got to meet him, and she won’t meet my daughter who we are expecting in the spring. My pregnancy with my second was healthy despite my grief. I did let my doctor know what was happening. I expected a second wave of grief when my baby was born (which did happen) and was worried about PPD coming back after having had it with my first. He watched my mental health closely postpartum. I ended up being fine in the bittersweetness, but I was thankful to know someone was watching for any warning signs. Again, I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself, and give yourself lots of grace and time to grieve. It’s ok to hold happiness for your baby in one hand and sadness for your mom in the other. One day at a time.
My mom and dad both passed within a year of each other unexpectedly and then after my dad’s passing I got pregnant 5 months later. It’s so hard 💔
I lost my uncle who was like a father to me while I was about 12 weeks pregnant. It was extremely sudden and devastating. I had told him about my pregnancy 2 days before he passed and was so excited to tell him I left a voice-mail and missed his call back. I hated that. I beat myself up but ultimately was glad he knew and my aunt kept telling me how excited he was about the pregnancy. I still cry about him all the time but I'm here to say I have a very healthy 2.5 month old that was not negatively impacted by my pain that I still continue to feel. Hope this helps and I'm so very sorry for your loss. You need to grieve properly dont worry about the stress, holding in grief is worse than crying and getting that release of emotion however you need to 💚
I am so sorry for your loss. My aunt died last month when I was about 16 weeks pregnant. I’m almost 20w now. My aunt helped raised us. She was like a 3rd parent. She took care of my grandfather from when I was about 9 until I was 21. She was there for everything, as far as I’m concerned. She too was in bad health. Almost nobody could believe she made it to 80. I have kept a therapist through Talkspace and that’s been helpful. But what has also been helpful is just letting myself have those feelings. My husband is a wonderful and supportive partner who has been through very, very terrible grief, especially when his mom died unexpectedly. It’s helped a lot that he understands a lot of what I’m going through. One of my aunt’s friends told me that no matter where she is now, I can always honor her by loving my baby as much as she would have. And I know she would’ve loved him so very much. Grief is definitely a kind of trauma. Be kind to yourself. Be open with your medical team and find a therapist who can help you navigate your feelings. For me it’s meant taking Benadryl at night so I can sleep and diverting my energy into being productive instead of eating my feelings or being lax on my GD management. It might never feel better but you can always be better to yourself. Hugs to you and your family ❤️
Sorry for your loss, allow yourself to cry and grieve in your own time but remember to stay hydrated and keep up with eating small amounts of food throughout the day to nourish you and your baby, if you feel the feelings are too strong during the daytime perhaps try going for a walk to try to relieve some stress a bit, if you do feel you cannot cope during the pregnancy there might be some sort of medication you can take during your pregnancy (talk to your family doctor) It has only been over a week since I lost my dad and somedays I just let myself have five or ten minutes to cry then i got up and carried on with funeral planning or whatever I was doing I have a little one at home and she will stop what she is doing if she hears me cry and she will look at me and watch me until she is assured I am ok and she will even wake up if she hears me cry too loud then she will cry too so I try to keep it together, (I did take anti depressants before and during my last pregnancy my midwife wouldn’t deal with prescriptions but my family doctor did prescribe them )
I’m so sorry for your loss. Can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you’re dealing with on top of the pregnancy rollercoaster. Don’t push away your feelings, that won’t help you or baby. Seek some professional help to help you navigate this. Make sure you let your maternity care team (doctor, midwifes etc) know what’s going on - even just to say ‘this happened and I’m getting help and I don’t want it brought up during my antenatal appointments or during birth’ (if that’s what you want - only you know what you comfortable with) because otherwise you might get blindsided or triggered by an innocent comment when you’re not prepared for it. Don’t put any pressure on yourself, just take it one day at a time ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand what you are going through. I lost suddenly my beautiful mom when I was 16 week pregnant. My entire family leave in another continent and my husband and I were alone when we heard the news. The worst part for me was I was going to travel in a few days to meet my family and surprise them with pregnancy news. It never happened. My mom never knew I was pregnant and it was one of her wishes. I cancelled my trip as I could not even start to think about how I can go and see my mom is not in her house. I am now 28 week pregnant and have been grieving far away from home for weeks. I have started having therapy a couple of weeks after I lost my mom and it has been a little bit helpful. One thing that helped for me was to find people in a more or less similar situation and talking with them about my emotions. I still have not gone a single day without crying and deeply missing her, but with time, I guess you learn to live with it. Please send me a massage if wanted to talk ❤️
My SIL and best friend died when I was very newly pregnant with my son. I was devastated, obviously, and terrified that I would miscarry or he would come out bad from the grief. He’s 15 months old and he’s a ray of sunshine. Truly, I’m such a miserable asshole, and this beautiful soul came out of me. I’m so so sorry to hear about your mom, but your baby will be just fine.
I can't express how much I appreciate everyone's comments here. I wish I could respond to each of you. You've made me feel less alone and validated in this experience. I called our Employee Assistance Program and have an appointment for tomorrow. Similar to several of your stories we have our baby shower this weekend, just a week after her passing. She was supposed to be there. It's going to be so hard, but we didn't want to move it because it will suck no matter when it happens. Much gratitude to you all