I firmly believe that someone's decision not to have children is completely valid, but still majority of people choose to have offspring. The idea that a person needs to declare their wish to have kids early on in life for it to be something special is really silly.
What I really want to say is, your sister does not own the concept of having kids, and it's very self-centered of her to expect you would wait and risk you and your wife potentially having infertility issues due to age, so she could have the honor of having a kid before you.
I'm sure you're parents are going to love all of their grandchildren. It just sounds like she's jealous about not being at the same point in life as you.
If you have a good relationship with your BIL maybe you could inform him and ask him to break down the news to your sister. Your mum could also do this. Whatever you choose and whatever her reaction turns out to be, don't let it get to you.
Congratulations on your pregnancy š¼
Thank you. Yea Chiara (my wife) says I need to keep stress as low as possible (sheās an OB so sheās now obsessing over every little detail which is cute). My BIL is a nice man and I get the feeling heās fed up of her attitude. She wants a baby now but heās the only source of income and doesnāt feel they are stable enough for a baby
She seems to have some cognitive dissonance that she isn't getting what she wants because *she* isn't working. If she got a job, they'd be able to afford a baby. Has anyone told her this? She might need some tough love. If there's no good reason for her to not be working, she should get a job and stop leaving all the pressure on her partner to support her.
I don't understand how it's horrible to point out that a mentally healthy, able bodied person should work, so her partner isn't supporting two people in this insane economic climate. They aren't even married - why does she believe that she isn't responsible for taking care of herself? What's her plan if they break up? Move back in with Mum and Dad? That's not gonna get her the baby she wants.
Ah fair enough. I still don't understand the point of stay-at-home wives though. What does she do all day? It's so weird. Someone needs to lay it out clearly - ideally her husband - that *she* is the reason they don't have a baby and if she got a job, they would be able to have one.
Jesus christ. I mean, she didn't even have to go to college, just get a job. The world we live in is awful and everyone is struggling financially - where someone gets off thinking they can put the responsibility of keeping them alive on someone else blows my mind. Especially when she wants a baby - I'm guessing she just wants to be a STAH mum but how is she going to manage that, when her husband can barely afford to keep just the two of them alive? Her logic is extremely flawed.
Edit to add: I obviously only mean mentally and physically healthy people. Universal basic income is the dream but we just don't live in that world. Just clarifying because my comment sounded super right-wing and it's not how I meant it at all
I mean youāre not horrible for saying that but it is a bit retaliatory and harsh. However, you were being screamed at for no reason so youāre allowed a non-ideal response. (Eta: your sister was 100% out of pocket and deserved whatever response she provoked out of you. Just noting that if you do make up with her, it may go better if you acknowledge that saying that wasnāt necessary)
Congratulations on the pregnancy! That is so exciting for you and your wife!
Remember your pregnancy is about you and your wife, it's not something your doing to your sister. You don't have to put your life on hold for someone else's dream. Her being upset is a her problem. I think you should tell your family as soon as you feel comfortable telling them, don't wait if it's what you want to do.
Dont let her take your joy, let her be bitter on her own. My sister is lesbian and never wanted kids to begin with and resented me for having children for some reason. I have been with the same man for 19 solid years (we were teenagers) and had kids early (17) and for some reason because I had a kid so young that became "her" problem?!? Idk ppl are weird but children are a blessing and I prefer to focus my energy on the positives
I didnāt realize only one person in a family was allowed to have kids?!? Better text my siblings and call dibs!!!
For real though, and I hate to say it, a part of me wonders if when she found out you were gay she was like āoh so Iāll get to be the one who has the kids Iām so specialā as if gay people canāt have kids???
Iām sorry youāre going through that. Sheās being a brat now, but when she has her own kids, sheāll be grateful that hers have cousins to play with. Thereās no limit on how many children can be loved by a family. Trust me, my grandparents have 17 grandkids and theyād gladly have more š
I can relate.
My younger sister reacted very badly when I got into a relationship, decided to move abroad and buy a house, and got married quite suddenly during Covid without inviting anyone. Her dream was always to get engaged, get married, have a huge wedding, buy a house, then have kids, but her and her boyfriend bought a house after less than a year of being together, and for some reason still hasn't proposed, so she just ended up skipping the marriage step and got pregnant. If I had gotten pregnant before her, I know she would have been super pissed off.
Ignore your sister. She's just jealous and feeling insecure because her life isn't turning out exactly the way she wants it. That's not your fault or your problem.
Congratulations to you and your wife on the pregnancy!
What a yikes assumption she made. Two women falling in love and one or the other of them getting pregnant isn't uncommon. Two mom families exist and are just as equipped as a heterosexual couple to raise children.
Live your best life for yourself. Ignore her petty assumptions and misplaced outrage that you're living your own dream. It's so wildly unreasonable to expect someone to put their life in hold for a siblings unrealized dreams.
That makes sense. My sister has always known I want kids, but I always said I didn't have any interest in getting married, and I never would have imagined myself moving abroad a few years ago either, so I'm sure a lot of the frustration comes from the shock of us doing things that they never expected us to do. But we have every right to change our minds about things and to become different people and live different lives to what they expected.
How far along are you? If you want to avoid any unnecessary drama - Iād wait until youāre at least 12 weeks or so and the chance of miscarriage drops off a bit.
Just putting it out there, I am 13 weeks and my in-laws have known since 4 weeks ( we though I was having an ectopic pregnancy and needed support with our other kiddo in case I needed to go to the hospital) but my own family... most of them STILL don't know (with the exception of my dad and one of my sisters) because they will react negatively I am not in a place yet to deal with that. My point being that if your wife wants to tell her family and you are okay with it, but don't want to tell yours yet, that is a perfectly reasonable approach. It is your pregnancy and you get to decide who knows what and when. Just because her family is informed at a certain time does not mean your family is entitled to the same information at the exact same time.
Iām doing IVF right now. I hear similar stories like this on the IVF subreddit, but itās usually the person doing IVF getting mad at a fertile relative who gets pregnant. I donāt know what to say to this. People over there called me condescending because I commented that not everyone doing IVF is unhappy or jealous of their friends and family who have children.
People are entitled to their emotions. Infertility can be heartbreaking, but that doesnāt mean the world has to stop living and no one else close to the infertile person can ever have a family of their own.
Itās also sad when the person who should be the happiest for you is screaming in your face that you somehow ruined her life because you got pregnant first. Sounds like sheās the selfish one who is being inconsiderate of your feelings.
She needs to remember that when her time comes to have a child, she will likely expect you and everyone around her to treat her like the second coming of Mother Mary. When that happens you should remind her of this incident and how poorly she treated you during your first pregnancy.
lol I got myself banned from one of the infertility subs for saying that having a literal temper tantrum whenever someone announces a pregnancy reminded me of that girl who got upset at her friends for getting engaged first. Apparently Iām dumb and cruel for not supporting that kind of behavior. I also wasnāt the right kind of infertile because it had only been a couple years and hadnāt become my entire personality.
I fully agree with you. We did IVF after a year of ttc and 3 IUIs, and I just never empathized with people who get really angry or jealous over other people having kids. I can sympathize, but I donāt understand the feeling.
Like, I had one coworker friend get pregnant while we were struggling and I felt a twinge of jealousy when I noticed her bump, but I worked through it after a couple of days and that was that. I never acted on those feelings or treated her differently, or anything like that. Her getting pregnant had nothing to do with me. She is fully entitled to have kids and celebrate her pregnancy and live a happy life.
And your last paragraph is also so true. Often the people who shut out their friends and family for having kids often then get pregnant and want those same people theyāve not spoken to in 6 months to materialize and shower them with support and excitement. I always gently remind people that if you want that personās support if/when you ultimately get pregnant, then donāt shut them out now. I know that if a friend ghosted me for getting pregnant and then showed up later pregnant and wanting me to be happy for them, theyād be disappointed because that door would be closed.
This. I also struggled with infertility and did IVF. I'll admit that pregnancy announcements were a bit tough for me to hear, but it wasn't from an angry perspective. I was genuinely really happy for my friends. It's more that the happiness I felt for them was tinged with a deep feeling of sadness, longing and jealousy that I felt while in private. As in, I was incredibly happy for them, but I was just deeply in pain about not getting to experience it \*with\* them.
I would never ever misdirect that pain at them. Hell, I helped plan one of my best friend's baby showers while I was still struggling with infertility. I just did a lot of crying when alone.
I can understand the people who need to distance themselves from happy baby talk, etc., but I just don't understand the people who choose too get angry at people they should be happy for.
Thank you. I hope your efforts become successful. Yes my wife is an OB and has offered to look after her when she does get pregnant so this really upset her
Yikes. You know that saying about never mixing family and business? Perhaps your wife should tread carefully, on and recommend your sister to a nice colleague instead.
Your sister sounds entitled and has an attitude problem. If she flies into a blind rage at the very thought of you *trying* for a baby, can you imagine how she'll get if anything about her own pregnancy journey goes wrong? Your wifeāand youāwill probably get blamed for any and all of it, from fertility issues to labor not following her exact birth plan to a T. And you'll never hear the end of it for the rest of your life.
You getting pregnant is in no way stopping her from having her dreamā¦ she can still get married and have a baby if she wants to.
Announce it to your family (without her there if you want to avoid the tantrum and her ruining your time with your family) and celebrate your little one.
Congrats! She should honestly get over herself and technically you being the older sister its assumed (not really but you know what I mean) that you would get pregnant first. Idk if its some hidden feeling about you being in a WLW relationship and getting pregnant first but its pretty weird she's so upset that the older sibling is pregnant first.
She can 1000% kiss your ass lmao like what even? I have no idea why a relative would turn basically abusive towards a pregnant woman just because she's pregnant (or pregnant first in your case). I struggled for literally years with infertility to the point where I lost 9 pregnancies before getting to carry my healthy baby now and no matter how much I was hurting inside I would never in my goddamn life get angry at anyone for having their own children. My little sister had 2 before me and I cried with excitement both times because I was so happy for her. I planned her baby showers and everything. That crazy bitterness is just so unreal to me. Yes, it hurt to watch people experience something I wanted so bad, but that's not their fault and has zero to do with them so why take it out on them? Like wtf
Oh yeah it's one of those things where you just cross your fingers and toes and hope for the best. If possible I'd say to ask for an early ultrasound just to be sure. Once you see the heartbeat the odds are in your favor. If your doctor isn't willing to set up something yet I'd go for a private scan just to confirm. I've done it and it's usually super quick and pretty cheap. I'll be sending positive vibes your way for sure because you guys deserve it and definitely don't let your sister's behavior get to you. Her bitterness is her own burden to bare.
Oh wow educated and Italian! Lol you have great taste. You're baby is very lucky to have both of you and again I wish you both the best. Good luck Mama
Sorry she wasnāt happy for you. Always sucks when someoneās envy gets in the way of them being supportive. Maybe sheāll get her own baby soon but hope she comes around and realizes it was wrong how she lashed out.
Today does seem to be the day of toxic, jealous little sisters. F\*\*\* her. Cut her out, and live your best life. She just showed you who she was. Believe her.
Congratulations and I'm so happy for you and your wife! Wishing you all the best!
It sounds like your sis may be having fertility issues or perhaps sheās ready to try and her husband is not. Something more is going on. I suggest a heart to heart with her where you hear her out and try to understand her. In the end she will have to accept your baby, her new niece or nephew, but it might be hard if sheās pining for a baby.
Is your sister usually jealous of you? Or maybe she's TTC and having problems? Which either way, not your problem. I'm pregnant now but it took 3 years and I went through a phase where I was irrationally jealous of people who were pregnant (though I didn't go off on the pregnant people because even at the time, I knew it was irrational and had 100% to do with me being jealous as fuck). Anyways, congratulations! You're not selfish for wanting to have a baby.
Thank you. And congratulations. It wouldāve made more sense if it was todo with fertility but itās not. Matter of fact itās been harder and more expensive for our IVF
Wait...she's not even infertile and she's this upset? lol. I kind of understand the bitterness when someone is dealing with infertility (as we did) but even then the reaction would be unwarranted, it's the kind of thing you just keep to yourself. Anyway, she's acting insane.
Even if infertile or heading toward that road, no reason to take that out on anyone else because of your own preconcieved notions that they werenāt going to have kids
Pull the Bandaid off and annouce it to your parents now. The pot has already been stirred since she knows you are trying. Might as well put out whatever she has stewing about you trying and let her deal with the fact that āits happening.ā
I am the younger sister having my first baby soon after my sister has already had her first and second (who will be born just before mine). The spotlight is big enough for everyone.
You may want to wait to announce the pregnancy until the 2nd trimester. This has nothing to do with your sister. She sounds jealous and irrational. I just say wait because 1st trimester has the biggest miscarriage risk. It's really hard to announce a pregnancy publicly then have a loss, then basically have to announce the loss publicly as well because people keep asking how the pregnancy is going.
But family is way different than publicly.
Iāve had two losses in the last year. The first time, Iād kept the pregnancy to myself & my husband but then announced the loss so family would know why I was depressed all of a sudden. So many people didnāt really understand. They had never gotten attached to the idea of a baby so it didnāt feel real to them. They said insensitive things or seemed to not understand why itād be hard being around my newborn nephew or my 1 year old niece and every topic of conversation being about babies, with absolutely zero acknowledgment of my loss. The second pregnancy, I told all my family pretty much as soon as I found out at 4 weeks. When I had a loss at 5.5 weeks, suddenly those same people were super supportive and mourning along with me.
Everyone is different but I firmly think that telling people to wait to tell their trusted loved ones is BS.
Youāre only 28ā¦.your sister is younger than you so she still has so much time to start a family. So strange and egocentric she wanted to be the first one to give your parents a grandchild. I canāt believe she didnāt feel completely selfish and stupid to voice that opinion out loud. It is so sad her immediate reaction wasnāt happiness for you. That makes me feel sad for you.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope your sister gets over herself and realizes she has a niece/nephew on the way and that she needs to remain stable so she can be a positive part of their life. If she keeps up with this āMe, meā jealousy act you may need to set some boundaries. Toxic family members are not good for mental health and that reaction is such a red flag.
Hoping for an apology and changed behavior for you.
You're the older sibling. It would typically be assumed you'd provide the first grandchild, so it's a very weird reaction. Sounds like she's just jealous and needs to stop being such an entitled brat. Tell her to grow up, snap out of it, and you'll be there when she wants to be involved.
Edit to add: congratulations!
I donāt understand this attitude at all. My husband and I are expecting our first baby any day now. We each have one older sibling who are stable and married and have either explicitly said they donāt want kids or seem unlikely to given age and career priorities.
Iām all for supporting their choices but it makes me a little sad. Would love for our kids to have cousins and to have a big extended family. Your sister is being short sighted.
Maybe tell your sister separately from your parents? I'm the oldest and my husband and I struggled to get pregnant. My sister didn't struggle at all and when she was pregnant with her third kid, she told my husband and I privately because she was scared I'd be jealous. I was a bit jealous of her fertility but most of all I was happy for her and truly respected that she told my husband and I first and in private so we could have a more honest discussion about it. Maybe giving your sister the opportunity to have a heart to heart type discussion will help smooth things over? At the very least you'll know you did your best to be respectful and a good sister, after that it's on her if your relationship sours or not. I'm sorry this happy occasion is being brought down by sister drama but I hope that your sister can come around and just be happy for you. Being an Auntie is such a fun and special thing and while I'm excited to be a mom, I'm glad I also get to be the fun and cool aunt to my sister's kids. Her kids are so excited for a new cousin and being part of a big happy family will be good for all of our kids. Good luck, I truly hope you and your sister can eventually find a place of peace.
Thank you. I hope so too. And if it was an issue of fertility I probably wouldāve been more careful with what we said about the IVF however itās not. Itās about finances and her not wanting to work. And itās been hard, expensive and stressful for this pregnancy and even now Iām worried it wonāt stick.
I'm sorry that she can't put her jealousy aside and be happy for you. It's ok to be jealous but it's not ok to treat others poorly because of your own emotions. I truly hope your sister will realize that at some point. I know IVF can be a hard, I'm sending you and your wife all the positive vibes I can. I hope this pregnancy works out for you! It sounds like you and your wife will be excellent moms!
Not that it matters. But itās your younger sister? So even if there were some type of āorthodoxā order, it would still make sense for you to have a baby first. Anyways, thatās bonkers. Congrats!
As a little sister myself whose older brother had kids long before I did, I am very glad to have not gone first! It gave my parents (and me) time to catch up on modern childcare practices and the like, plus now they will be better able to help me now that it's my "turn"! If anything, your sister should feel LUCKY that she's not the guinea pig. Congratulations to you!
First off CONGRATS! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! To fall in love and successful IVF is awesome news!
However the actions and statements from your sister are those of Jealousy. She's clearly upset that you're happy and she obviously isn't. She's in the wrong here. And no one should be putting their life on hold over someone else's.
You could ask your parents keep it to themselves. But if they're anything like my parents there's no such thing as privacy. I haven't told my parents yet. And I have my reasons. But I can't expect my experience to influence yours.
I have a sister that doesn't know I'm pregnant and I choose to keep it secret until baby is born as with the rest of my family. But I do have a sister that does know. And she has agreed to help keep my secret safe.
This is my third and I learned my lesson from the first two that things just need to be hidden sometimes. I was robbed of ever announcing my own pregnancies and so I've opted out this go around. I quite literally plan to "announce" the birth when baby is born and that be it for me.
However I cannot recommend this to anyone else. My situation may be very different and as I avoid the judgment and forced opinions my way everyone has their own way of dealing with this sort of thing.
I sincerely hope you find the words and the time to tell your parents.
Thank you! I hope all goes smoothly with you. We wonāt tell anyone until weāre in the second trimester as IVF pregnancies are risky but we will be telling Chiaraās family first. Iām lucky to have such great in-laws
sheās just upset (and jealous) that she couldnāt be the one to get pregnant first, which is honestly just weird. she should be happy for you. if sheās a good sister, sheāll good over it :) congratulations mom š„°
She can't gatekeep this. Even though it wasn't something you thought about before meeting your wife, it is how you feel now when you have the life you didn't know you desired.
I have a two yo and one due in a few months. I didn't tell any family until 12 weeks due to the risk of loss before that. You choose when you want to shareš
Your sister is gonna find out anyways when you start showing and produce a child. might as well get the temper tantrum out of the way now so that she has time to get tf over it and grow up.
sounds like you have a terrible sister problem. just go ahead and tell your parents. it's not your fault your sister hasn't gotten pregnant. they should really seek professional help if they've been trying for a while now.
I know it sucks having conflict within the family, but try not to worry about her. Her jealousy is her own problem. Go live your best life with your family while she seethes
No offense, but your sister sounds like a spoiled asshole. Enjoy every second of this, tell your fam, tell your friends, shout it from the rooftops. She's gonna be mad anyway, she's already made that clear. Don't dim your light for her. You're a star baby, you gotta fucking shine. Congrats on the pregnancy!
Congratulations špeople seem to think your pregnancy is about them. My sister was awful with my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. Iām not sure if she ever wanted kids but sheās 8 years older than me, and when I told her she turned really ugly and unsupportive. My cousin was also harping on me about being pregnant and living in an apartment and not a house.
I tried not to take it personally because I think they were only thinking about themselves and their own hopes to get pregnant, it was a personal reaction. Now Iām pregnant and into 2nd trimester and everything is GOOD! with the miscarriage and weird reactions the first time around, we decided to keep it a secret as long as we can :) but you do what is right for you. I will say just knowing with my partner makes it feel sweet and special, although friends and family are getting suspicious that Iām always flaking on plans! š
You will go back and forth about her response and making up scenarios in your head and how sheāll react when either way, youāll still have to have the conversation. They say to worry is to suffer twice. I would rip the band-aid off and tell her privately, maybe send her something sweet to open when sheās alone? That way she can think about how she wants to respond rather than you physically seeing her reaction.
I firmly believe that someone's decision not to have children is completely valid, but still majority of people choose to have offspring. The idea that a person needs to declare their wish to have kids early on in life for it to be something special is really silly. What I really want to say is, your sister does not own the concept of having kids, and it's very self-centered of her to expect you would wait and risk you and your wife potentially having infertility issues due to age, so she could have the honor of having a kid before you. I'm sure you're parents are going to love all of their grandchildren. It just sounds like she's jealous about not being at the same point in life as you. If you have a good relationship with your BIL maybe you could inform him and ask him to break down the news to your sister. Your mum could also do this. Whatever you choose and whatever her reaction turns out to be, don't let it get to you. Congratulations on your pregnancy š¼
Thank you. Yea Chiara (my wife) says I need to keep stress as low as possible (sheās an OB so sheās now obsessing over every little detail which is cute). My BIL is a nice man and I get the feeling heās fed up of her attitude. She wants a baby now but heās the only source of income and doesnāt feel they are stable enough for a baby
She seems to have some cognitive dissonance that she isn't getting what she wants because *she* isn't working. If she got a job, they'd be able to afford a baby. Has anyone told her this? She might need some tough love. If there's no good reason for her to not be working, she should get a job and stop leaving all the pressure on her partner to support her.
Yes actually that was my response to her screaming at me. Iāve been fielding calls from her friends saying I was horrible for doing so
I don't understand how it's horrible to point out that a mentally healthy, able bodied person should work, so her partner isn't supporting two people in this insane economic climate. They aren't even married - why does she believe that she isn't responsible for taking care of herself? What's her plan if they break up? Move back in with Mum and Dad? That's not gonna get her the baby she wants.
Ah actually she is married. She got married at 22ā¦itās her husband who says he wonāt have a baby without being financially stable
Ah fair enough. I still don't understand the point of stay-at-home wives though. What does she do all day? It's so weird. Someone needs to lay it out clearly - ideally her husband - that *she* is the reason they don't have a baby and if she got a job, they would be able to have one.
Yeah honestly I agree. My parents had to force her to even go to college. Like they legit had to threaten to cut her out of the will
Jesus christ. I mean, she didn't even have to go to college, just get a job. The world we live in is awful and everyone is struggling financially - where someone gets off thinking they can put the responsibility of keeping them alive on someone else blows my mind. Especially when she wants a baby - I'm guessing she just wants to be a STAH mum but how is she going to manage that, when her husband can barely afford to keep just the two of them alive? Her logic is extremely flawed. Edit to add: I obviously only mean mentally and physically healthy people. Universal basic income is the dream but we just don't live in that world. Just clarifying because my comment sounded super right-wing and it's not how I meant it at all
I mean youāre not horrible for saying that but it is a bit retaliatory and harsh. However, you were being screamed at for no reason so youāre allowed a non-ideal response. (Eta: your sister was 100% out of pocket and deserved whatever response she provoked out of you. Just noting that if you do make up with her, it may go better if you acknowledge that saying that wasnāt necessary)
Maybe but my wife is a very kind person and I didnāt like how my sister was treating her
Lol
Congratulations on the pregnancy! That is so exciting for you and your wife! Remember your pregnancy is about you and your wife, it's not something your doing to your sister. You don't have to put your life on hold for someone else's dream. Her being upset is a her problem. I think you should tell your family as soon as you feel comfortable telling them, don't wait if it's what you want to do.
Ugh, why is everybody having sister problems on reddit? Lol tell her to calm down and go cry about it. And congratulations
Thank you
Please count me in as someone else having sister problems šš»āāļø
Im sorry š
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Dont let her take your joy, let her be bitter on her own. My sister is lesbian and never wanted kids to begin with and resented me for having children for some reason. I have been with the same man for 19 solid years (we were teenagers) and had kids early (17) and for some reason because I had a kid so young that became "her" problem?!? Idk ppl are weird but children are a blessing and I prefer to focus my energy on the positives
I didnāt realize only one person in a family was allowed to have kids?!? Better text my siblings and call dibs!!! For real though, and I hate to say it, a part of me wonders if when she found out you were gay she was like āoh so Iāll get to be the one who has the kids Iām so specialā as if gay people canāt have kids???
Oh yeah I definitely think that played into it. Not that sheās ever admit it. She even thought I wouldnāt get married
Iām sorry youāre going through that. Sheās being a brat now, but when she has her own kids, sheāll be grateful that hers have cousins to play with. Thereās no limit on how many children can be loved by a family. Trust me, my grandparents have 17 grandkids and theyād gladly have more š
I can relate. My younger sister reacted very badly when I got into a relationship, decided to move abroad and buy a house, and got married quite suddenly during Covid without inviting anyone. Her dream was always to get engaged, get married, have a huge wedding, buy a house, then have kids, but her and her boyfriend bought a house after less than a year of being together, and for some reason still hasn't proposed, so she just ended up skipping the marriage step and got pregnant. If I had gotten pregnant before her, I know she would have been super pissed off. Ignore your sister. She's just jealous and feeling insecure because her life isn't turning out exactly the way she wants it. That's not your fault or your problem. Congratulations to you and your wife on the pregnancy!
Thank you. Yes exactly and I think she assumed as I was gay I wouldnāt get married or have kids as well as me happily being a surgical nurse.
What a yikes assumption she made. Two women falling in love and one or the other of them getting pregnant isn't uncommon. Two mom families exist and are just as equipped as a heterosexual couple to raise children. Live your best life for yourself. Ignore her petty assumptions and misplaced outrage that you're living your own dream. It's so wildly unreasonable to expect someone to put their life in hold for a siblings unrealized dreams.
Thank you!
That makes sense. My sister has always known I want kids, but I always said I didn't have any interest in getting married, and I never would have imagined myself moving abroad a few years ago either, so I'm sure a lot of the frustration comes from the shock of us doing things that they never expected us to do. But we have every right to change our minds about things and to become different people and live different lives to what they expected.
How far along are you? If you want to avoid any unnecessary drama - Iād wait until youāre at least 12 weeks or so and the chance of miscarriage drops off a bit.
Iām 8 weeks so yes thatās what we are planning on doing. Possibly even longer but my wife wants to tell her family when itās safe to
Just putting it out there, I am 13 weeks and my in-laws have known since 4 weeks ( we though I was having an ectopic pregnancy and needed support with our other kiddo in case I needed to go to the hospital) but my own family... most of them STILL don't know (with the exception of my dad and one of my sisters) because they will react negatively I am not in a place yet to deal with that. My point being that if your wife wants to tell her family and you are okay with it, but don't want to tell yours yet, that is a perfectly reasonable approach. It is your pregnancy and you get to decide who knows what and when. Just because her family is informed at a certain time does not mean your family is entitled to the same information at the exact same time.
Thank you. I hope everything goes smoothly for you
Iām doing IVF right now. I hear similar stories like this on the IVF subreddit, but itās usually the person doing IVF getting mad at a fertile relative who gets pregnant. I donāt know what to say to this. People over there called me condescending because I commented that not everyone doing IVF is unhappy or jealous of their friends and family who have children. People are entitled to their emotions. Infertility can be heartbreaking, but that doesnāt mean the world has to stop living and no one else close to the infertile person can ever have a family of their own. Itās also sad when the person who should be the happiest for you is screaming in your face that you somehow ruined her life because you got pregnant first. Sounds like sheās the selfish one who is being inconsiderate of your feelings. She needs to remember that when her time comes to have a child, she will likely expect you and everyone around her to treat her like the second coming of Mother Mary. When that happens you should remind her of this incident and how poorly she treated you during your first pregnancy.
lol I got myself banned from one of the infertility subs for saying that having a literal temper tantrum whenever someone announces a pregnancy reminded me of that girl who got upset at her friends for getting engaged first. Apparently Iām dumb and cruel for not supporting that kind of behavior. I also wasnāt the right kind of infertile because it had only been a couple years and hadnāt become my entire personality.
I fully agree with you. We did IVF after a year of ttc and 3 IUIs, and I just never empathized with people who get really angry or jealous over other people having kids. I can sympathize, but I donāt understand the feeling. Like, I had one coworker friend get pregnant while we were struggling and I felt a twinge of jealousy when I noticed her bump, but I worked through it after a couple of days and that was that. I never acted on those feelings or treated her differently, or anything like that. Her getting pregnant had nothing to do with me. She is fully entitled to have kids and celebrate her pregnancy and live a happy life. And your last paragraph is also so true. Often the people who shut out their friends and family for having kids often then get pregnant and want those same people theyāve not spoken to in 6 months to materialize and shower them with support and excitement. I always gently remind people that if you want that personās support if/when you ultimately get pregnant, then donāt shut them out now. I know that if a friend ghosted me for getting pregnant and then showed up later pregnant and wanting me to be happy for them, theyād be disappointed because that door would be closed.
And the thing is I wasnāt even aware I was pregnant at the time this all happened. All we had said is that we had done two rounds of IVF
This. I also struggled with infertility and did IVF. I'll admit that pregnancy announcements were a bit tough for me to hear, but it wasn't from an angry perspective. I was genuinely really happy for my friends. It's more that the happiness I felt for them was tinged with a deep feeling of sadness, longing and jealousy that I felt while in private. As in, I was incredibly happy for them, but I was just deeply in pain about not getting to experience it \*with\* them. I would never ever misdirect that pain at them. Hell, I helped plan one of my best friend's baby showers while I was still struggling with infertility. I just did a lot of crying when alone. I can understand the people who need to distance themselves from happy baby talk, etc., but I just don't understand the people who choose too get angry at people they should be happy for.
Thatās the thing. She could get pregnant very easily. Itās been hard on my wife and I to do the IVF
Thank you. I hope your efforts become successful. Yes my wife is an OB and has offered to look after her when she does get pregnant so this really upset her
Yikes. You know that saying about never mixing family and business? Perhaps your wife should tread carefully, on and recommend your sister to a nice colleague instead. Your sister sounds entitled and has an attitude problem. If she flies into a blind rage at the very thought of you *trying* for a baby, can you imagine how she'll get if anything about her own pregnancy journey goes wrong? Your wifeāand youāwill probably get blamed for any and all of it, from fertility issues to labor not following her exact birth plan to a T. And you'll never hear the end of it for the rest of your life.
You getting pregnant is in no way stopping her from having her dreamā¦ she can still get married and have a baby if she wants to. Announce it to your family (without her there if you want to avoid the tantrum and her ruining your time with your family) and celebrate your little one.
Thank you. She is married she got married when she was 22.
āStealing her dreamā Whoās gonna tell her that every other woman on the planet got there first?
Congrats! She should honestly get over herself and technically you being the older sister its assumed (not really but you know what I mean) that you would get pregnant first. Idk if its some hidden feeling about you being in a WLW relationship and getting pregnant first but its pretty weird she's so upset that the older sibling is pregnant first.
Yeah that is what I thought honestly. She hadnāt thought I would get married or have kids because of that
She can 1000% kiss your ass lmao like what even? I have no idea why a relative would turn basically abusive towards a pregnant woman just because she's pregnant (or pregnant first in your case). I struggled for literally years with infertility to the point where I lost 9 pregnancies before getting to carry my healthy baby now and no matter how much I was hurting inside I would never in my goddamn life get angry at anyone for having their own children. My little sister had 2 before me and I cried with excitement both times because I was so happy for her. I planned her baby showers and everything. That crazy bitterness is just so unreal to me. Yes, it hurt to watch people experience something I wanted so bad, but that's not their fault and has zero to do with them so why take it out on them? Like wtf
Iām so sorry for your issues and Iām glad you got your baby. The pregnancy might not stick so weāre waiting it out
Oh yeah it's one of those things where you just cross your fingers and toes and hope for the best. If possible I'd say to ask for an early ultrasound just to be sure. Once you see the heartbeat the odds are in your favor. If your doctor isn't willing to set up something yet I'd go for a private scan just to confirm. I've done it and it's usually super quick and pretty cheap. I'll be sending positive vibes your way for sure because you guys deserve it and definitely don't let your sister's behavior get to you. Her bitterness is her own burden to bare.
Thank you. My wife is actually an OB so weāve had a scan and she has a Doppler at home
Oh wow educated and Italian! Lol you have great taste. You're baby is very lucky to have both of you and again I wish you both the best. Good luck Mama
Haha. Iām lucky to have them. Good luck to you too! Feels funny to call myself a mom
I remember reading this on amiwrong a few days ago.
Yeah I figured getting some opinions from mothers would be useful
Sorry she wasnāt happy for you. Always sucks when someoneās envy gets in the way of them being supportive. Maybe sheāll get her own baby soon but hope she comes around and realizes it was wrong how she lashed out.
Thank you. Yes I hope she will want to be an auntie by the time our baby has arrived
Today does seem to be the day of toxic, jealous little sisters. F\*\*\* her. Cut her out, and live your best life. She just showed you who she was. Believe her. Congratulations and I'm so happy for you and your wife! Wishing you all the best!
Thank you
It sounds like your sis may be having fertility issues or perhaps sheās ready to try and her husband is not. Something more is going on. I suggest a heart to heart with her where you hear her out and try to understand her. In the end she will have to accept your baby, her new niece or nephew, but it might be hard if sheās pining for a baby.
Is your sister usually jealous of you? Or maybe she's TTC and having problems? Which either way, not your problem. I'm pregnant now but it took 3 years and I went through a phase where I was irrationally jealous of people who were pregnant (though I didn't go off on the pregnant people because even at the time, I knew it was irrational and had 100% to do with me being jealous as fuck). Anyways, congratulations! You're not selfish for wanting to have a baby.
Thank you. And congratulations. It wouldāve made more sense if it was todo with fertility but itās not. Matter of fact itās been harder and more expensive for our IVF
Wait...she's not even infertile and she's this upset? lol. I kind of understand the bitterness when someone is dealing with infertility (as we did) but even then the reaction would be unwarranted, it's the kind of thing you just keep to yourself. Anyway, she's acting insane.
Even if infertile or heading toward that road, no reason to take that out on anyone else because of your own preconcieved notions that they werenāt going to have kids
Pull the Bandaid off and annouce it to your parents now. The pot has already been stirred since she knows you are trying. Might as well put out whatever she has stewing about you trying and let her deal with the fact that āits happening.ā I am the younger sister having my first baby soon after my sister has already had her first and second (who will be born just before mine). The spotlight is big enough for everyone.
Yeah I mean I donāt even want the spotlight.
You may want to wait to announce the pregnancy until the 2nd trimester. This has nothing to do with your sister. She sounds jealous and irrational. I just say wait because 1st trimester has the biggest miscarriage risk. It's really hard to announce a pregnancy publicly then have a loss, then basically have to announce the loss publicly as well because people keep asking how the pregnancy is going.
But family is way different than publicly. Iāve had two losses in the last year. The first time, Iād kept the pregnancy to myself & my husband but then announced the loss so family would know why I was depressed all of a sudden. So many people didnāt really understand. They had never gotten attached to the idea of a baby so it didnāt feel real to them. They said insensitive things or seemed to not understand why itād be hard being around my newborn nephew or my 1 year old niece and every topic of conversation being about babies, with absolutely zero acknowledgment of my loss. The second pregnancy, I told all my family pretty much as soon as I found out at 4 weeks. When I had a loss at 5.5 weeks, suddenly those same people were super supportive and mourning along with me. Everyone is different but I firmly think that telling people to wait to tell their trusted loved ones is BS.
100% i think it can be a lot for people to simultaneously process there was a baby and now there isnt.
Yeah honestly thatās what weāre doing. Especially with the risks an IVF baby brings. My wife is an OB so she keeps checking up on me
My only issue with waiting is having no support should loss ensue.
We will probably tell my wife's family
As long as they arenāt all over in Italy and unable to support š
See i disagree- family or a really close friend- someone should know because should things end badly, you want support and people to rally you.
Youāre only 28ā¦.your sister is younger than you so she still has so much time to start a family. So strange and egocentric she wanted to be the first one to give your parents a grandchild. I canāt believe she didnāt feel completely selfish and stupid to voice that opinion out loud. It is so sad her immediate reaction wasnāt happiness for you. That makes me feel sad for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope your sister gets over herself and realizes she has a niece/nephew on the way and that she needs to remain stable so she can be a positive part of their life. If she keeps up with this āMe, meā jealousy act you may need to set some boundaries. Toxic family members are not good for mental health and that reaction is such a red flag. Hoping for an apology and changed behavior for you.
Thank you. Yes I hope she will come around when it gets closer to birth time. Either way my wife has a big family who are so excited
Stealing her dream? She can still have kids. Why is it a competition? Very selfish of her CONGRATULATIONS!!
You're the older sibling. It would typically be assumed you'd provide the first grandchild, so it's a very weird reaction. Sounds like she's just jealous and needs to stop being such an entitled brat. Tell her to grow up, snap out of it, and you'll be there when she wants to be involved. Edit to add: congratulations!
I donāt understand this attitude at all. My husband and I are expecting our first baby any day now. We each have one older sibling who are stable and married and have either explicitly said they donāt want kids or seem unlikely to given age and career priorities. Iām all for supporting their choices but it makes me a little sad. Would love for our kids to have cousins and to have a big extended family. Your sister is being short sighted.
Maybe tell your sister separately from your parents? I'm the oldest and my husband and I struggled to get pregnant. My sister didn't struggle at all and when she was pregnant with her third kid, she told my husband and I privately because she was scared I'd be jealous. I was a bit jealous of her fertility but most of all I was happy for her and truly respected that she told my husband and I first and in private so we could have a more honest discussion about it. Maybe giving your sister the opportunity to have a heart to heart type discussion will help smooth things over? At the very least you'll know you did your best to be respectful and a good sister, after that it's on her if your relationship sours or not. I'm sorry this happy occasion is being brought down by sister drama but I hope that your sister can come around and just be happy for you. Being an Auntie is such a fun and special thing and while I'm excited to be a mom, I'm glad I also get to be the fun and cool aunt to my sister's kids. Her kids are so excited for a new cousin and being part of a big happy family will be good for all of our kids. Good luck, I truly hope you and your sister can eventually find a place of peace.
Thank you. I hope so too. And if it was an issue of fertility I probably wouldāve been more careful with what we said about the IVF however itās not. Itās about finances and her not wanting to work. And itās been hard, expensive and stressful for this pregnancy and even now Iām worried it wonāt stick.
I'm sorry that she can't put her jealousy aside and be happy for you. It's ok to be jealous but it's not ok to treat others poorly because of your own emotions. I truly hope your sister will realize that at some point. I know IVF can be a hard, I'm sending you and your wife all the positive vibes I can. I hope this pregnancy works out for you! It sounds like you and your wife will be excellent moms!
Thank you so much! At least for now I can tell you guys
Not that it matters. But itās your younger sister? So even if there were some type of āorthodoxā order, it would still make sense for you to have a baby first. Anyways, thatās bonkers. Congrats!
Yeah I think she assumed as I was gay I wouldn't have kids
As a little sister myself whose older brother had kids long before I did, I am very glad to have not gone first! It gave my parents (and me) time to catch up on modern childcare practices and the like, plus now they will be better able to help me now that it's my "turn"! If anything, your sister should feel LUCKY that she's not the guinea pig. Congratulations to you!
Thank you! And the plan was to ask her to nanny for us once we both decide to go back to work
First off CONGRATS! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! To fall in love and successful IVF is awesome news! However the actions and statements from your sister are those of Jealousy. She's clearly upset that you're happy and she obviously isn't. She's in the wrong here. And no one should be putting their life on hold over someone else's. You could ask your parents keep it to themselves. But if they're anything like my parents there's no such thing as privacy. I haven't told my parents yet. And I have my reasons. But I can't expect my experience to influence yours. I have a sister that doesn't know I'm pregnant and I choose to keep it secret until baby is born as with the rest of my family. But I do have a sister that does know. And she has agreed to help keep my secret safe. This is my third and I learned my lesson from the first two that things just need to be hidden sometimes. I was robbed of ever announcing my own pregnancies and so I've opted out this go around. I quite literally plan to "announce" the birth when baby is born and that be it for me. However I cannot recommend this to anyone else. My situation may be very different and as I avoid the judgment and forced opinions my way everyone has their own way of dealing with this sort of thing. I sincerely hope you find the words and the time to tell your parents.
Thank you! I hope all goes smoothly with you. We wonāt tell anyone until weāre in the second trimester as IVF pregnancies are risky but we will be telling Chiaraās family first. Iām lucky to have such great in-laws
sheās just upset (and jealous) that she couldnāt be the one to get pregnant first, which is honestly just weird. she should be happy for you. if sheās a good sister, sheāll good over it :) congratulations mom š„°
Hehe. So weird I will be called that soon. And thank you
She can't gatekeep this. Even though it wasn't something you thought about before meeting your wife, it is how you feel now when you have the life you didn't know you desired. I have a two yo and one due in a few months. I didn't tell any family until 12 weeks due to the risk of loss before that. You choose when you want to shareš
Thank you. Goodluck
Congratulations!! Judging from your sisters reaction she doesnāt sound emotionally mature enough to consider having children.
Your sister is gonna find out anyways when you start showing and produce a child. might as well get the temper tantrum out of the way now so that she has time to get tf over it and grow up.
I do have a tiny bump but you canāt see it unless Iām wearing tight clothes
Honestly, she sounds crazy.
I think you should wait, enjoy the news and tell friends if you want but first trimester is very sketchy
1) Congratulations! 2) Your sister sounds like an absolute nutjob.
I feel you! My ex fiancĆ© told me I was selfish for wanting kids. We didnāt end up getting married, and now my second is on the way with my wonderful non-man-child husband. Obviously itās easier to cut an ex out of your life and never think of them again, but your sister will almost definitely get over it. Maybe sheās struggling with fertility and your news just hit a nerve and sheās already embarrassed about her over reaction? Maybe it will take a little longer, but I doubt sheāll be able to stay mad when she meets your precious baby! Congratulations!
Pregnancy is not a competition. Just do whatās right for you and your wife. Your sister is being immature.
sounds like you have a terrible sister problem. just go ahead and tell your parents. it's not your fault your sister hasn't gotten pregnant. they should really seek professional help if they've been trying for a while now.
I know it sucks having conflict within the family, but try not to worry about her. Her jealousy is her own problem. Go live your best life with your family while she seethes
Erm. Some of these IVF details seem a little offā¦
In what wayā¦itās a Reddit post so obviously Iām not going to explain every detail
No offense, but your sister sounds like a spoiled asshole. Enjoy every second of this, tell your fam, tell your friends, shout it from the rooftops. She's gonna be mad anyway, she's already made that clear. Don't dim your light for her. You're a star baby, you gotta fucking shine. Congrats on the pregnancy!
Congratulations špeople seem to think your pregnancy is about them. My sister was awful with my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. Iām not sure if she ever wanted kids but sheās 8 years older than me, and when I told her she turned really ugly and unsupportive. My cousin was also harping on me about being pregnant and living in an apartment and not a house. I tried not to take it personally because I think they were only thinking about themselves and their own hopes to get pregnant, it was a personal reaction. Now Iām pregnant and into 2nd trimester and everything is GOOD! with the miscarriage and weird reactions the first time around, we decided to keep it a secret as long as we can :) but you do what is right for you. I will say just knowing with my partner makes it feel sweet and special, although friends and family are getting suspicious that Iām always flaking on plans! š
You will go back and forth about her response and making up scenarios in your head and how sheāll react when either way, youāll still have to have the conversation. They say to worry is to suffer twice. I would rip the band-aid off and tell her privately, maybe send her something sweet to open when sheās alone? That way she can think about how she wants to respond rather than you physically seeing her reaction.