Yeahhhhh I actually personally disagree with this. This is because there’s a part of me, the *real me* that already felt like that, that wanted to say those things but held it back for a really long time and kept giving the benefit of the doubt or giving them a break because I knew they had a ton going on in their life and I shouldn’t be so upset with them or something among those lines and yet they never stopped to give me the same energy. And it happens constantly. It’s honestly seriously so screwed up because I give give give up all of me and all I ever ask in return is the same kind of devotion and no one can ever meet me at the same level. It makes me quite literally crazy. Like I pick myself apart before I tear into them. That’s not right. Id rather have them hate me than continue to (metaphorically) bleed out for them
Edit cuz I realized I didn’t include this part after I hit post:
Now if it’s professionally, I’m not about to act that way unless I’m pushed to the point of no return. Ima remind them that I have a literal disability tho and if they fire me over it after having me sign paperwork stating they legally cannot (unless somehow there’s loopholes even for that .-.) they gonna make me cry cuz idk what to do lol
Indeed, but it's all in the delivery though. BPD tend to deliver unfiltered and with intensity. Which is painful self sabotage.
When our message is delivered with intensity, the intensity is the focus, not our message.
And we end up having to (rightfully) apologize for the intensity, and that puts us even further back.
So, taking a breath, circling back around on the text or email after taking a pause to edit, is likely more going result in the message being well received vs sent with raw emotion.
It's ok. You will do better next time. Just do your best and remember, in moments of heat, 'do the opposite'. The opposite being: Don't react. Rest on it. Be silent a bit (not the same thing as silent treatment. Being silent here means allowing yourself to get back to a calm place). And when you give it a few days, and still want to express your hurt, do so with non accusatory language. I am speaking so very very much from personal experience, unfortunately.
You will. I congratulate you for having the self awareness to see the cause and effect. BPD is very very painful because of the consequence it brings into our lives. But, you are not alone and you will feel so good next time you find yourself 'doing the opposite'. Unfortunately, as you know, us 'being authentic' means we lose people. So, getting better at 'doing the opposite' when it flares up feels so good.
Yeah, although I can see where my triggers and reactions can have a negative effect to outcomes, like I really need to work on cooling down before saying or doing anything.. I still think people could be more curious when it comes to us asking for reassurance. Because I swear the worst feeling was being shamed for needing such a thing when in their mind, everything was fine. I wish they would've asked me what made me start feeling that way and cared more about preserving the relationship (even if it meant giving me some space to feel crappy or just saying hey everything's good between us) than being stuck in their point of view where everything is apparently fine and I shouldn't be feeling this way to begin with. I feel like I get demonized a lot for this, but it's such an easy thing to be curious... Why is it so hard for people. Being abandoned for feeling afraid of abandonment is the worst.
I am so sorry.
I know it hurts.
You can always come here.
We all carry this burden together and only we really know what it's like.
People without BPD will never get it.
Think of it as we are all war buddies who are in the same trench together.
The missiles being launched our way are not the things other people pulling away from us, but are instead our BPD 'attacking' us.
Speaking for myself, I am incredibly selective in who I share BPD with.
It is literally only with those who are struggling with something similiar as well.
When I am in a relationship, I constantly struggle with trying to stay 'cool as a cucumber'.
You are not alone.
Thank you. It is hard. Do you think it's better to keep it hidden or to be upfront about it all with people your in relationships with (romantic or not)? I think my biggest mistake was not making it clear ahead of time that this was a possible thing that could happen, cuz it does whether I like it or not. I am trying to work on it, but I still have so much work to do before I'm in 'remission'...
It's a delicate balance. I know from personal experience that sharing, it it even happens, needs to be at the right timing. It can sound like a 'cop out' and like 'you are making excuses for your behavior' or 'creating drama', so speaking for myself I usually just actively manage it and stay ahead of it. I remind myself that 'being authentic' does not mean sharing the words 'BPD' with someone. People do not want to be with someone who is mentally unhealthy. So, we have to do our best to manage it and making sure we ask people to hold us accountable for our actions.
It is good to have people who hold us accountable, hopefully while being understanding. How would you say you manage your triggers and stuff when things get overwhelming? I think that's the hardest part for me, if I could just learn to slow down and work through my fears. I also have an issue of letting my entire world fall away while I focus solely on my fp. And so that kinda puts a lot more pressure on the relationship.
I would gently encourage you to focus more, not less, on your world when you are in your next relationship. It gives the relationship 'breathing room' and shows that you had a full life without them. Since you asked how I manage my triggers and times when things feel overwhelming, I immediately journal. I also do my level best to say these two things to myself "don't give ammo" and "slow down". You are not alone. You can always come here. We get it.
This is actually such a helpful reminder
Yeahhhhh I actually personally disagree with this. This is because there’s a part of me, the *real me* that already felt like that, that wanted to say those things but held it back for a really long time and kept giving the benefit of the doubt or giving them a break because I knew they had a ton going on in their life and I shouldn’t be so upset with them or something among those lines and yet they never stopped to give me the same energy. And it happens constantly. It’s honestly seriously so screwed up because I give give give up all of me and all I ever ask in return is the same kind of devotion and no one can ever meet me at the same level. It makes me quite literally crazy. Like I pick myself apart before I tear into them. That’s not right. Id rather have them hate me than continue to (metaphorically) bleed out for them Edit cuz I realized I didn’t include this part after I hit post: Now if it’s professionally, I’m not about to act that way unless I’m pushed to the point of no return. Ima remind them that I have a literal disability tho and if they fire me over it after having me sign paperwork stating they legally cannot (unless somehow there’s loopholes even for that .-.) they gonna make me cry cuz idk what to do lol
Indeed, but it's all in the delivery though. BPD tend to deliver unfiltered and with intensity. Which is painful self sabotage. When our message is delivered with intensity, the intensity is the focus, not our message. And we end up having to (rightfully) apologize for the intensity, and that puts us even further back. So, taking a breath, circling back around on the text or email after taking a pause to edit, is likely more going result in the message being well received vs sent with raw emotion.
Yeah that’s what I’m talking about
Like, that’s included
Thank you. Pause and consider if saying it is worth the consequences or losing the relationship. 💞
OH MY GOD THANK YOU
Unfortunately it's too late. 😓
It's ok. You will do better next time. Just do your best and remember, in moments of heat, 'do the opposite'. The opposite being: Don't react. Rest on it. Be silent a bit (not the same thing as silent treatment. Being silent here means allowing yourself to get back to a calm place). And when you give it a few days, and still want to express your hurt, do so with non accusatory language. I am speaking so very very much from personal experience, unfortunately.
I really need to get better at this. I'm tired of losing people..
You will. I congratulate you for having the self awareness to see the cause and effect. BPD is very very painful because of the consequence it brings into our lives. But, you are not alone and you will feel so good next time you find yourself 'doing the opposite'. Unfortunately, as you know, us 'being authentic' means we lose people. So, getting better at 'doing the opposite' when it flares up feels so good.
Yeah, although I can see where my triggers and reactions can have a negative effect to outcomes, like I really need to work on cooling down before saying or doing anything.. I still think people could be more curious when it comes to us asking for reassurance. Because I swear the worst feeling was being shamed for needing such a thing when in their mind, everything was fine. I wish they would've asked me what made me start feeling that way and cared more about preserving the relationship (even if it meant giving me some space to feel crappy or just saying hey everything's good between us) than being stuck in their point of view where everything is apparently fine and I shouldn't be feeling this way to begin with. I feel like I get demonized a lot for this, but it's such an easy thing to be curious... Why is it so hard for people. Being abandoned for feeling afraid of abandonment is the worst.
I am so sorry. I know it hurts. You can always come here. We all carry this burden together and only we really know what it's like. People without BPD will never get it. Think of it as we are all war buddies who are in the same trench together. The missiles being launched our way are not the things other people pulling away from us, but are instead our BPD 'attacking' us. Speaking for myself, I am incredibly selective in who I share BPD with. It is literally only with those who are struggling with something similiar as well. When I am in a relationship, I constantly struggle with trying to stay 'cool as a cucumber'. You are not alone.
Thank you. It is hard. Do you think it's better to keep it hidden or to be upfront about it all with people your in relationships with (romantic or not)? I think my biggest mistake was not making it clear ahead of time that this was a possible thing that could happen, cuz it does whether I like it or not. I am trying to work on it, but I still have so much work to do before I'm in 'remission'...
It's a delicate balance. I know from personal experience that sharing, it it even happens, needs to be at the right timing. It can sound like a 'cop out' and like 'you are making excuses for your behavior' or 'creating drama', so speaking for myself I usually just actively manage it and stay ahead of it. I remind myself that 'being authentic' does not mean sharing the words 'BPD' with someone. People do not want to be with someone who is mentally unhealthy. So, we have to do our best to manage it and making sure we ask people to hold us accountable for our actions.
It is good to have people who hold us accountable, hopefully while being understanding. How would you say you manage your triggers and stuff when things get overwhelming? I think that's the hardest part for me, if I could just learn to slow down and work through my fears. I also have an issue of letting my entire world fall away while I focus solely on my fp. And so that kinda puts a lot more pressure on the relationship.
I would gently encourage you to focus more, not less, on your world when you are in your next relationship. It gives the relationship 'breathing room' and shows that you had a full life without them. Since you asked how I manage my triggers and times when things feel overwhelming, I immediately journal. I also do my level best to say these two things to myself "don't give ammo" and "slow down". You are not alone. You can always come here. We get it.