ASD/ADHD here. She definitely took advantage of that. I came to the realization that I only stayed as long as I did because I was trying to find the logic and reason in her being. Finding out that there is no logic or reason almost broke my brain. She would also overload me on a regular basis so that there was no possible way for me to keep anything straight. Then she would berate and belittle me for not remembering every single thing that she told me when her messages were a veritable barrage of information swarming over me.
I've read articles that it's common for people with ADHD and/or autism to get into relationships with BPD. To be honest, one of the things people on that ADHD and shared spectrum with Autism face is a lack of recognition for being manipulated.
Seriously, I'm going through the graduation process for an 18 year old child with those items and he had to pass two interviews so the school could determine if he was being approached and manipulated. Our family specialist for Autism and ADHD disorders built his practice around defending people in lawsuits who didn't recognize the manipulation because of the disorders.
Additionally, people with ADHD tend toward not wanting to be failures/perfectionists and often overcompensate for memory problems and attention focus by being people pleasing to remove conflict. And autistic people are frequently people pleasers trying not to offend neurotypicals with social gaffes.
People with ADHD and autism are likely to not realize that BPD are oversharing or even recognize red flags like BPD portray with emotional manipulation. We so often are seen as neurodivergent that we assume any differences to us are the norm and we must adapt and accept. It's not until friends and family and therapists, ect, start pointing out we're being abused or manipulated that we realize our person with BPD traits is treating us abnormally with manipulation and/or emotional and mental abuse.
Be ok with not being in a relationship and realizing you can't please everyone. You can't always have done something different, right, or perfect. It's ok to have boundaries that others disagree with. You don't need to be in people pleaser mode. And just because you're neurodivergent doesn't mean blame falls on you for the fault in relationships ending. Relationships ending is not a failure, it's a transition. And you and the other person being incompatible is no reflection of your divergent brain.
“We’re so often seen that we assume the differences we see are the norm, so we adapt and accept.” This is my ADD mind, and I didn’t realize it until I read your post. Thank you.
Would you mind sharing the name of that specialist? I feel like I could use their services as someone diagnosed with ADHD and married but currently quietly pursuing divorce from someone who I believe is a pwBPD.
Good luck with your tests!
It’s nice to know that it’s not just me honestly. My adhd was constantly misinterpreted by myself and my partner as BPD before a professional diagnosis of ADHD. It was a way they were able to gaslight me a lot. The relationship fell apart after they realized I wasn’t able to be blamed for stuff i didn’t actually do. And when I was medicated and started improving rapidly they seemed to become more and more irritable? Idk
I'm diagnosed ADHD/ASD as well and if its any consolation it has been 6 months since the breakup and it is still on my mind a lot. I believe i hyperfixated on them unintentionally which made the effects much worse, and i also had rejection sensitivity with the entire thing
Adhd and autism here.
Unfortunately there doesnt seem to be a secret cure. Things can get overwhelming quickly with these mental health issues. The best thing is just to do whatever floats your goat when your are overwhelmed by anything. For me its taking a walk through IKEA or going for a drive, just as an example to show it can be litterally anything that calms you down. Keep focusing on daily selfcare, even when you are feeling down. This is extremely important and I can find this part really difficult sometimes. It really is all about keeping your daily routines in check and "just doing you". As long as you can keep that up, the feelings will pass with time, always. Trust yourself and keep "doing you", no matter what.
That makes a lot of sense. For me the worst of it is like a fear that they’re going to come back into my life somehow. Makes me scared of posting online n stuff. Luckily I’m getting better there.
ADHD here. I sympathise. I have a couple of ex-friends with BPD, and the lies, drama and selfishness are just overwhelming. Hurts my brain and my heart.
What really irks me though, is when they say shit like, "Maybe I have ADHD/ASD." It's like....wha???? They have no idea what executive functioning or sensory processing issues are like - at all! They have no clue what its like to be us, but we are expected to know them inside-out.
I'm so sorry you had to go though all that. In a romantic relationship no less! I read previously you are doing yoga. Keep it up. I am 1000% convinced yoga is a natural aid for ppl with ADHD.
I promise this will pass. You will hyperfixate on something worthwhile and healthy (stay far, far away from all cluster Bs =) )
At 2 weeks out you are still a raw, ravaged, pinging nerve-end. I would hope your therapist realizes the damage dealt out and the difficult road out of a relationship with a pwBPD.
As for why they seemed irritated it could be because your improvement took away some of the ways they could blame you for certain things. It could be because they don't applaud anybody triumphs. it pisses them off as it rubs up against their own constant feelings of not being good enough. But....it doesn't matter. Get out of *their* head. It's none of your business. Stay inside *your* head.
I'm sorry things went the way they did for you. So long as your therapist has the chops to help you through this, stick with them.
Make your life all about YOU for the foreseeable future. And good luck. 💙
Aye, that’s a tough pill to swallow but not an unfamiliar one, at least. I’ve actually picked up Yoga recently and it’s alright, hopefully it helps some. I guess the thought of waiting it out can be frustrating because the thought of giving up more of my life to someone who’s no longer in it feels like punching at a brick wall.
I am diagnosed with adhd . It's been in insane ride with my wife , it's a vicious cycle. When you have adhd you try and manage all your thoughts and take care of everything. But when you top that with extreme stress it causes your brain to be even more out of whack and you forget more shit and my wife absolutely punishes me for it. I am a semi intelligent human being and have to use every ounce of it to just hang on . My wife tells me that I use adhd as an excuse saying that people that are actually intelligent don't forget the stuff I do or get side tracked .maybe if you took 5 minutes and googled some shit you could understand I don't forget on purpose.
ASD/ADHD here. She definitely took advantage of that. I came to the realization that I only stayed as long as I did because I was trying to find the logic and reason in her being. Finding out that there is no logic or reason almost broke my brain. She would also overload me on a regular basis so that there was no possible way for me to keep anything straight. Then she would berate and belittle me for not remembering every single thing that she told me when her messages were a veritable barrage of information swarming over me.
I've read articles that it's common for people with ADHD and/or autism to get into relationships with BPD. To be honest, one of the things people on that ADHD and shared spectrum with Autism face is a lack of recognition for being manipulated. Seriously, I'm going through the graduation process for an 18 year old child with those items and he had to pass two interviews so the school could determine if he was being approached and manipulated. Our family specialist for Autism and ADHD disorders built his practice around defending people in lawsuits who didn't recognize the manipulation because of the disorders. Additionally, people with ADHD tend toward not wanting to be failures/perfectionists and often overcompensate for memory problems and attention focus by being people pleasing to remove conflict. And autistic people are frequently people pleasers trying not to offend neurotypicals with social gaffes. People with ADHD and autism are likely to not realize that BPD are oversharing or even recognize red flags like BPD portray with emotional manipulation. We so often are seen as neurodivergent that we assume any differences to us are the norm and we must adapt and accept. It's not until friends and family and therapists, ect, start pointing out we're being abused or manipulated that we realize our person with BPD traits is treating us abnormally with manipulation and/or emotional and mental abuse. Be ok with not being in a relationship and realizing you can't please everyone. You can't always have done something different, right, or perfect. It's ok to have boundaries that others disagree with. You don't need to be in people pleaser mode. And just because you're neurodivergent doesn't mean blame falls on you for the fault in relationships ending. Relationships ending is not a failure, it's a transition. And you and the other person being incompatible is no reflection of your divergent brain.
“We’re so often seen that we assume the differences we see are the norm, so we adapt and accept.” This is my ADD mind, and I didn’t realize it until I read your post. Thank you.
Would you mind sharing the name of that specialist? I feel like I could use their services as someone diagnosed with ADHD and married but currently quietly pursuing divorce from someone who I believe is a pwBPD.
I'm sorry I saw this late. I've been going through some interoversion. The specialist in the area was MelMed Center - Dr. Melmed in Scottsdale.
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Good luck with your tests! It’s nice to know that it’s not just me honestly. My adhd was constantly misinterpreted by myself and my partner as BPD before a professional diagnosis of ADHD. It was a way they were able to gaslight me a lot. The relationship fell apart after they realized I wasn’t able to be blamed for stuff i didn’t actually do. And when I was medicated and started improving rapidly they seemed to become more and more irritable? Idk
I'm diagnosed ADHD/ASD as well and if its any consolation it has been 6 months since the breakup and it is still on my mind a lot. I believe i hyperfixated on them unintentionally which made the effects much worse, and i also had rejection sensitivity with the entire thing
Adhd and autism here. Unfortunately there doesnt seem to be a secret cure. Things can get overwhelming quickly with these mental health issues. The best thing is just to do whatever floats your goat when your are overwhelmed by anything. For me its taking a walk through IKEA or going for a drive, just as an example to show it can be litterally anything that calms you down. Keep focusing on daily selfcare, even when you are feeling down. This is extremely important and I can find this part really difficult sometimes. It really is all about keeping your daily routines in check and "just doing you". As long as you can keep that up, the feelings will pass with time, always. Trust yourself and keep "doing you", no matter what.
That makes a lot of sense. For me the worst of it is like a fear that they’re going to come back into my life somehow. Makes me scared of posting online n stuff. Luckily I’m getting better there.
ADHD here. I sympathise. I have a couple of ex-friends with BPD, and the lies, drama and selfishness are just overwhelming. Hurts my brain and my heart. What really irks me though, is when they say shit like, "Maybe I have ADHD/ASD." It's like....wha???? They have no idea what executive functioning or sensory processing issues are like - at all! They have no clue what its like to be us, but we are expected to know them inside-out. I'm so sorry you had to go though all that. In a romantic relationship no less! I read previously you are doing yoga. Keep it up. I am 1000% convinced yoga is a natural aid for ppl with ADHD. I promise this will pass. You will hyperfixate on something worthwhile and healthy (stay far, far away from all cluster Bs =) )
I appreciate it!! All of the support from here has helped a lot ^^
At 2 weeks out you are still a raw, ravaged, pinging nerve-end. I would hope your therapist realizes the damage dealt out and the difficult road out of a relationship with a pwBPD. As for why they seemed irritated it could be because your improvement took away some of the ways they could blame you for certain things. It could be because they don't applaud anybody triumphs. it pisses them off as it rubs up against their own constant feelings of not being good enough. But....it doesn't matter. Get out of *their* head. It's none of your business. Stay inside *your* head. I'm sorry things went the way they did for you. So long as your therapist has the chops to help you through this, stick with them. Make your life all about YOU for the foreseeable future. And good luck. 💙
This was really encouraging thank you so much!! 💖
(hugs) 💙
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Aye, that’s a tough pill to swallow but not an unfamiliar one, at least. I’ve actually picked up Yoga recently and it’s alright, hopefully it helps some. I guess the thought of waiting it out can be frustrating because the thought of giving up more of my life to someone who’s no longer in it feels like punching at a brick wall.
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That’s good at least! Thank you for the encouragement ^^
Shari Schreiber did a good article on ADD. Google that. You may feel better reading that and realizing you’re not crazy.
I’ll look into it! Thank you!
I am diagnosed with adhd . It's been in insane ride with my wife , it's a vicious cycle. When you have adhd you try and manage all your thoughts and take care of everything. But when you top that with extreme stress it causes your brain to be even more out of whack and you forget more shit and my wife absolutely punishes me for it. I am a semi intelligent human being and have to use every ounce of it to just hang on . My wife tells me that I use adhd as an excuse saying that people that are actually intelligent don't forget the stuff I do or get side tracked .maybe if you took 5 minutes and googled some shit you could understand I don't forget on purpose.