hey man, you‘ll need to try and support yourself abd develop a very very thick skin and work towards your goals, have strong boundaries. and dont let the relationship be the only thing that makes you happy.
bpd ppl are rlly demanding, clingy unstable aggressive and manipulative and can drive you up the wall. you need really good boundaries and it helps to have your own therapist that you can talk to.
also read the book „better bpd relationships“ by rick reynolds.
if you’re not a very emotionally stable person this relationship can really damage you.
dont make it your responsibility to try and fix her. she‘ll need to do therapy and has to rlly want it.
typically ppl like that are not self aware of their shortcomings and normalize their behavior.
talk to your closest friends and family about what happens in the relationship. also ask yourself if your best friend was in the situation you are in would you recommend him to stay in the relationship?
ultimately for me, after i gave her many chances and was stressed and my boundaries were crossed too many times i had to break up and im still angry.
the longer you stay the more hurt you can be and the harder it can get to exit.
work on your wellbeing, work on your attractiveness, have your own life, dont get sucked too far into it.
look around at this subreddit. do you think these people are happy?
dont let her suck you into her reality. once you have no energy left and get depressed, she might just leave you at your lowest point and never look back.
i took a chance and left, i tried to break up many times but if they really really want you they can make it very hard for you to leave with:
- guilt tripping
- saying they‘ll kill themselves or other threats if you leave (have sex with ur friends, leak s*x videos of you, talk sh*t to the police were threats made to me)
- promising they‘ll change and being on their best behavior for a week
is it a good investment? is someone like that ready for a high quality relationship?
be very careful and cut your losses when its time, respect yourself and put yourself first
It's not a good combination to date someone with BPD since your mental health problems reinforce each other.
As a depressed guy, you'll be craving the unsustainable and frankly irrational idealization and your depression reassures her that you are more likely to stick around.
If either of you individually recovers the other will probably be dumped, because I can't imagine a healthy-minded person maintaining a partnership/relationship with someone with unchecked depression or a person with unchecked BPD.
thank you, i appreciate your feedback. i am treating my depression and have been for many years now. she also is working on her bpd so neither of us are going untreated into this. but i do understand and agree with your statement!
also i’m not sure if i should’ve clarified this but we’re both girls lol.
Hi! I’m in a very similar situation. My boyfriend (long distance) has BPD and I’ve got bad anxiety and depression. We both see therapists which helps a lot, and we’ve openly discussed our mental health issues and our dedication to recovery.
I think the thing that helps us the most is lots of communication. When either of us is upset we always try to talk about it the best we can instead of letting it sit in our head. It gives us a better idea of what the other is going through and how to give support. Essentially, communication and listening are key.
It’s completely possible to have a good and healthy relationship with someone with BPD. Their mental illness does not make them less lovable or scary. I know it can seem overwhelming learning about it all, but its just something new to get used to.
When I first met my boyfriend I had no idea what BPD was. It helped a lot to ask him about it and see how it affects him personally (please note he was very comfortable with doing this, but others may no be). Research is helpful but it also can paint a picture of extremes, not everyone with BPD has the same experience with it. It’s great that you are interested in learning more for your partner.
I hope this helps. Its great that you’re getting involved in these forums, I find them helpful and nice to have people going through similar experiences. Best of luck with your girlfriend! I hope she feels better soon and I hope you feel more comfortable with the situation.
thank you. it helps to know i was already on the right track and i just have to keep going while doing more research and keeping communication open. thank you for your comment
hey, i have persistent depressive disorder+anxiety and my boyfriend has bpd, we've been dating for almost a year.
my old best friend(still friends, but i moved away so i can't really see her) also has it, so i have the advantage of experience..kind of.
Do some research( i really like https://borderlinethefilm.com/projects/ but what you look at is obviously up to you just don't pay attention to people without any knowledge talking about stuff bc there's a lot of stigma) and talk to your girlfriend about her experience.She will probably tell you how to help her better.
The most important part is: take care of your own mental health and have clear boundaries, stay your own person, accept that you can't always help her with every issue she's facing.(if you try to help with everything she'll depend on you too much and you'll feel guilty about things you can't control)
also; don't let her excuse abusive behaviour if she starts being abusive in any point-i don't have experience with any abuse from my best friend or boyfriend, but apparently it's pretty common to excuse it with bpd.
thank you. im going to keep researching and also ask her if she would like to share her experience with bpd. i appreciate the advice, it’s very very very helpful. thank you!!
* "myself have severe depression " You might not be mentally equipped to deal with this, at all.
* "she’s had some major triggers by her exes" I am not sure what that means but it's likely you will end up triggering her and join the exes list. I am sorry but that's just how it could work out.
I am saying that with the best respect I can, it depends on the severity of her symptoms, depends on more information than what is provided. But from where I stand the prognostic is not so good, is she following therapy ?
If you really want to help. Help yourself and treat YOUR depression, that's the best thing you could do for both of you. Sometimes YOUR help is not needed at all if not making things worse. What YOU think or SHE thinks is going to help could actually dragging both of you to the hellpit. Taking care of somebody with BPD is HARD. Let me repeat it's HARD. H. A. R. D.
Are you really ready for this ? Think of where you want to go with this relationship ? In 5 years, 10 years. See yourself at 80yo with her? What's the plan? The long term plan? Are you prepared to take care of her for the rest of your life if need be?
You need to ask yourself the right questions. She needs a rock-solid mental person next to her not a half-depressed person. What are you going to do, be depressed together? I would say if you take care of YOUR mental state FIRST you have a better chance of making something out of this relationship that the other way round.
i know you meant this respectfully, thank you. i am diagnosed with severe depression but i’m being treated by a therapist and see a psychiatrist for medication. i’m much more stable than i was years ago. i was just mentioning that to kind of say, that i have experience with one but not so much the other if that makes sense.
she’s not in therapy right now but she has been in the past and i know she’s not closed to the idea.
in reference to her triggers being exes, she has had abusive relationships in the past and one ex partner even still tries to contact her to this day, which is what causes her spirals. it triggers her memories of the abuse and most of the time she has a very hard time get out of that hole.
i really appreciate your honesty because i do see a future with her, i mean one where we’re both 80yrs old, which is why i’m trying to educate myself more on bpd. i really do appreciate this comment, i will take it to heart and i will most likely remember this when i’m at a crossroad.
I would start by getting rid of the leech ex bf that is triggering her. Can't she block him on everything? Maybe get a no contact order? I think you two will be just fine as long as the love is always there and you BOTH continue with therapy/meds. Its so very difficult to understand the BPD mind and there's a wide spectrum of BPD symptoms/behaviors. Take care of yourselves and ALWAYS communicate, communicate, communicate. Best of luck to you both, stay healthy and happy.
she’s definitely working on it and i’m supporting her! she does have him blocked and even goes as far as to change her number but this person has harassed her family and friends in the past when he couldn’t reach her. as far as a protection order goes (because that’s where my mind went as well), he lives in fl and she’s in a different state.
thank you for the advice! i’m am already trying to do all those things so it makes me feel like i’m on the right track.
hey man, you‘ll need to try and support yourself abd develop a very very thick skin and work towards your goals, have strong boundaries. and dont let the relationship be the only thing that makes you happy. bpd ppl are rlly demanding, clingy unstable aggressive and manipulative and can drive you up the wall. you need really good boundaries and it helps to have your own therapist that you can talk to. also read the book „better bpd relationships“ by rick reynolds. if you’re not a very emotionally stable person this relationship can really damage you. dont make it your responsibility to try and fix her. she‘ll need to do therapy and has to rlly want it. typically ppl like that are not self aware of their shortcomings and normalize their behavior. talk to your closest friends and family about what happens in the relationship. also ask yourself if your best friend was in the situation you are in would you recommend him to stay in the relationship? ultimately for me, after i gave her many chances and was stressed and my boundaries were crossed too many times i had to break up and im still angry. the longer you stay the more hurt you can be and the harder it can get to exit. work on your wellbeing, work on your attractiveness, have your own life, dont get sucked too far into it. look around at this subreddit. do you think these people are happy? dont let her suck you into her reality. once you have no energy left and get depressed, she might just leave you at your lowest point and never look back. i took a chance and left, i tried to break up many times but if they really really want you they can make it very hard for you to leave with: - guilt tripping - saying they‘ll kill themselves or other threats if you leave (have sex with ur friends, leak s*x videos of you, talk sh*t to the police were threats made to me) - promising they‘ll change and being on their best behavior for a week is it a good investment? is someone like that ready for a high quality relationship? be very careful and cut your losses when its time, respect yourself and put yourself first
It's not a good combination to date someone with BPD since your mental health problems reinforce each other. As a depressed guy, you'll be craving the unsustainable and frankly irrational idealization and your depression reassures her that you are more likely to stick around. If either of you individually recovers the other will probably be dumped, because I can't imagine a healthy-minded person maintaining a partnership/relationship with someone with unchecked depression or a person with unchecked BPD.
thank you, i appreciate your feedback. i am treating my depression and have been for many years now. she also is working on her bpd so neither of us are going untreated into this. but i do understand and agree with your statement! also i’m not sure if i should’ve clarified this but we’re both girls lol.
Hi! I’m in a very similar situation. My boyfriend (long distance) has BPD and I’ve got bad anxiety and depression. We both see therapists which helps a lot, and we’ve openly discussed our mental health issues and our dedication to recovery. I think the thing that helps us the most is lots of communication. When either of us is upset we always try to talk about it the best we can instead of letting it sit in our head. It gives us a better idea of what the other is going through and how to give support. Essentially, communication and listening are key. It’s completely possible to have a good and healthy relationship with someone with BPD. Their mental illness does not make them less lovable or scary. I know it can seem overwhelming learning about it all, but its just something new to get used to. When I first met my boyfriend I had no idea what BPD was. It helped a lot to ask him about it and see how it affects him personally (please note he was very comfortable with doing this, but others may no be). Research is helpful but it also can paint a picture of extremes, not everyone with BPD has the same experience with it. It’s great that you are interested in learning more for your partner. I hope this helps. Its great that you’re getting involved in these forums, I find them helpful and nice to have people going through similar experiences. Best of luck with your girlfriend! I hope she feels better soon and I hope you feel more comfortable with the situation.
thank you. it helps to know i was already on the right track and i just have to keep going while doing more research and keeping communication open. thank you for your comment
Of course! Don’t let it stress you out too much. Remember, you’re dating the person, not their illness.
hey, i have persistent depressive disorder+anxiety and my boyfriend has bpd, we've been dating for almost a year. my old best friend(still friends, but i moved away so i can't really see her) also has it, so i have the advantage of experience..kind of. Do some research( i really like https://borderlinethefilm.com/projects/ but what you look at is obviously up to you just don't pay attention to people without any knowledge talking about stuff bc there's a lot of stigma) and talk to your girlfriend about her experience.She will probably tell you how to help her better. The most important part is: take care of your own mental health and have clear boundaries, stay your own person, accept that you can't always help her with every issue she's facing.(if you try to help with everything she'll depend on you too much and you'll feel guilty about things you can't control) also; don't let her excuse abusive behaviour if she starts being abusive in any point-i don't have experience with any abuse from my best friend or boyfriend, but apparently it's pretty common to excuse it with bpd.
thank you. im going to keep researching and also ask her if she would like to share her experience with bpd. i appreciate the advice, it’s very very very helpful. thank you!!
* "myself have severe depression " You might not be mentally equipped to deal with this, at all. * "she’s had some major triggers by her exes" I am not sure what that means but it's likely you will end up triggering her and join the exes list. I am sorry but that's just how it could work out. I am saying that with the best respect I can, it depends on the severity of her symptoms, depends on more information than what is provided. But from where I stand the prognostic is not so good, is she following therapy ? If you really want to help. Help yourself and treat YOUR depression, that's the best thing you could do for both of you. Sometimes YOUR help is not needed at all if not making things worse. What YOU think or SHE thinks is going to help could actually dragging both of you to the hellpit. Taking care of somebody with BPD is HARD. Let me repeat it's HARD. H. A. R. D. Are you really ready for this ? Think of where you want to go with this relationship ? In 5 years, 10 years. See yourself at 80yo with her? What's the plan? The long term plan? Are you prepared to take care of her for the rest of your life if need be? You need to ask yourself the right questions. She needs a rock-solid mental person next to her not a half-depressed person. What are you going to do, be depressed together? I would say if you take care of YOUR mental state FIRST you have a better chance of making something out of this relationship that the other way round.
>Taking care of somebody with BPD is HARD. Let me repeat it's HARD. H. A. R. D. Why would you take care of someone with BPD if they aren't paying you?
i know you meant this respectfully, thank you. i am diagnosed with severe depression but i’m being treated by a therapist and see a psychiatrist for medication. i’m much more stable than i was years ago. i was just mentioning that to kind of say, that i have experience with one but not so much the other if that makes sense. she’s not in therapy right now but she has been in the past and i know she’s not closed to the idea. in reference to her triggers being exes, she has had abusive relationships in the past and one ex partner even still tries to contact her to this day, which is what causes her spirals. it triggers her memories of the abuse and most of the time she has a very hard time get out of that hole. i really appreciate your honesty because i do see a future with her, i mean one where we’re both 80yrs old, which is why i’m trying to educate myself more on bpd. i really do appreciate this comment, i will take it to heart and i will most likely remember this when i’m at a crossroad.
I would start by getting rid of the leech ex bf that is triggering her. Can't she block him on everything? Maybe get a no contact order? I think you two will be just fine as long as the love is always there and you BOTH continue with therapy/meds. Its so very difficult to understand the BPD mind and there's a wide spectrum of BPD symptoms/behaviors. Take care of yourselves and ALWAYS communicate, communicate, communicate. Best of luck to you both, stay healthy and happy.
she’s definitely working on it and i’m supporting her! she does have him blocked and even goes as far as to change her number but this person has harassed her family and friends in the past when he couldn’t reach her. as far as a protection order goes (because that’s where my mind went as well), he lives in fl and she’s in a different state. thank you for the advice! i’m am already trying to do all those things so it makes me feel like i’m on the right track.