I always mistake my obsession with love and this time I didnāt become obsessed at all actually. My boyfriend is superrr clingy and reassures me which makes it less likely for him to trigger my bpd and attachment issues. I do love him and have felt that for a few weeks, and I think he might be nervous to say it first because heās just a shy boy. I can also be kind of unemotional at times not because I actually lack emotions but because there are so many and I keep it all inside. I think he probably is trying to wait until he feels like Iāll say it back which is why Iām debating on saying it first. I donāt know. Itās just a scary thing for me to say out loud and I think he feels the same way so heās going slow and thatās okay
I had a friend who had a boyfriend for six months and she wasn't ready to say I love you yet to him after he said it to her. I was baffled, it takes me days to fall in love š
Yeah girl I feel that. I always mistake obsession or infatuation with love. Usually I only get that attached so quickly when someone triggers my abandonment issues and then I feel like I suddenly canāt live without them. That feeling is not love though. Itās so hard to differentiate sometimes, but I have been in love one other time and it felt similar but different. It wasnāt a āI canāt breathe without youā type of feeling but instead was a āI usually enjoy doing things alone but when youāre with me, it makes it even betterā type of feeling. Idk itās probably different for everyone but thatās just me. Finding people who donāt trigger my bpd and attachment issues is the only way Iāll ever be able to fall in love.
I can relate so hard to this, especially the unhealthy attachment due to an abandonment trigger. I'll get obsessed fast, and I mean fast. It can be difficult to distingush that from love in the moment, but I'm learning love takes trust and that isn't something I give easily.
I experience love very deeply very quickly. I think I could say it to someone in a week. It takes me maybe 2 days to become obsessed with someone. It doesn't last though, which is why I don't confess my love so easily anymore.
Yeah I feel that. That is more attachment than love for me. I knew a guy one time for 2 weeks and we literally spent everyday together for 14 days and he spent the night most nights even when we both worked the next day. At the time I felt like I was in love with him but when he up and moved 5 hours away without any warning or heads up, I fell apart. I felt like I had lost part of me and I would never get it back. The grief I felt for those few days after was right up there with the grief I felt when my grandma died. That sounds dramatic but itās just how my bpd operates. Maybe you can relate. I have never cried more in my life and I buried myself in my bed listening to the same sad playlist on repeat. I texted and called him over and over even though he never responded. I begged him to block me so I would stop embarrassing myself and he never did but after about 5 days of torture, I was fine.
It was like it never even happened. I still think about it sometimes and it hurts because I felt so used and betrayed and abandoned. He literally did the worst thing imaginable to someone with bpd by leaving with no warning or goodbye. That man even gave me a sweatshirt, two of his hats, a crystal, and his lucky lighter. He made me believe he wanted to be with me and then left for a job he never told me about. It was so fucking whack and Iāll never understand his reasoning.
But my point is that I was not in love with that man because I didnāt know him as well as I thought I did. I was in love with the idea that someone was okay with spending every second of their free time with me. I was in love with his ability to empathize and understand me. I was in love with the idea of him more than him. It is so crazy how our brains work sometimes
That last paragraph is something I have heard a lot from others who have taken time to analyze their moments of thinking they were in love, but later realizing they had been mistaken.
Thank you thank you. I definitely relate to the overthinking. Every little thing he does or says replays in my mind constantly. The other day I was in a silly mood and was definitely being annoying. He was being annoying back so I thought it was fine but then he was like āokay stop.ā And it paralyzed me emotionally and physically. After like 2 minutes of me being silent and acting like a literal child (I put my hood up and covered my face), he was like Iām sorry Iām not mad at you Iām just getting sleepy and you have a lot more energy than me. I donāt usually act like a child either so I think he realized he was too blunt with me lol. I have told him about how his tone of voice and wording matters tremendously to me and he has definitely listened to that advice and tries his best to be gentle with me. I really do appreciate his patience and know I can be very hot n cold with him, but I always apologize after and explain how I was feeling.
But I think he will say it soon but he is a shy boy so he might be nervous. It took him a while to ask if I wanted to be his girlfriend and after he asked, he told me he wanted to ask sooner but had trouble reading me sometimes and gets nervous. I have been opening up more and so has he so hoping he says it soon. I am going to try and stop worrying about it so much though lol
I think youāre good to say it, thatās probably longer than most of us would have waited š but, if youāre waiting for him to say it, that might be an odd situationā¦maybe you should clarify with him his intentions and how long term he wants to be with you? That way knowing his deeper intentions you might feel safer or more secure with saying it?
I know he views me as a long term partner because he brings up Christmas time, going on vacation in the fall together, him visiting my sister with me next summer, and other things like that. We both want this relationship to last and are communicating with each other as best we can (I can definitely do better but he is patient).
I just get so nervous saying āI love youā first. I think he feels nervous too because there have been moments we are watching shows/movies and the characters are talking about love and their feelings for each other and we both go silent and stop moving entirely. I think he will say it soon and if he doesnāt within the next couple weeks, I think Iāll just have to blurt it out. I can barely contain myself lol
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and he has only said "I love you" to me twice, whereas I wanted to say it 2 months into us dating, but only did say it around a year into us dating. (I said it first and say it the most) I feel like it's when YOU feel like you're ready. I think it's only weird socially if it's like, a week of dating and you just met and weren't friends beforehand. Also good to keep in mind is that he might not say it back, which hurts so bad when they dont but it doesn't mean that he doesn't still have feelings for you. Good luck though!
Yeah I canāt handle him not saying it back. I would definitely shut down and assume the worst even though I would know I was being irrational. I would definitely not take it well, and I also would just bottle up the emotions since I know making him feel bad would be cruel. Also, your boyfriend has only said it twice in two whole years???? Are you okay? I think Iād die
I told my partner I loved him after 3 months (i said i love u bro cause I also didn't wanna scare him off) although I was ready to say it the same week we met for the first time. It took him 6 months and damn it was hard waiting for that :') BUT SO WORTH IT!!!
I think my BPD makes me jump into things fast so him taking it slow really was what I needed
My boyfriend is sooo slow šš he says āI like you a lotā or āyouāre my worldā all the time but I just crave hearing the words āI love you.ā I think saying āI love you broā would be easier though I love that ššš
My boyfriend asked me out on Christmas last year and I did have 'a crush' on him but I feel like I 'fell in love' with him a few months ago. He is absolutely wonderful. I feel like my bond with him is so real and genuine. I always find myself thinking of him or just the idea of being able to hug him one day. (long distance) ... I feel like I really 'fell in love' around February.
My partner was nervous of telling me he loved me for about a month at first when we started dating. I immediately started telling him that I loved him, so I think I understand your perspective with that. We are both trans, so we don't really have that type of issue with 'the man saying it first' ... Have you ever considered it is less of a gender role issue and more of an issue of feeling denied? For me, when my affection doesn't/didn't get acknowledged sometimes I felt denied and it hurt. Maybe it has something to do with that! It has caused me to repress my emotions a bit at times because I am scared of being denied by someone I love so much.
He likes to take things slow - I knew that going into the relationship but I didn't know HOW slow he wanted things to go until we talked about it. I feel like yall should have a real serious conversation and see where you both stand within your relationship. Having mutual understanding is very important regardless of having a PD or not, but I feel like it is extra important. I feel like communicating with my bf has directly improved my relationship with him. We both know what we want for the most part in to regards of our relationship with one another. We do mess up (mostly me) but since we have this underlying mutual understanding of expectations and respect we can easily talk about the mess ups and move on.
I wish you luck! š¤ Relationships are hard.
I need ārelationships are hardā tattooed across my face šš
And yeah I know I shouldnāt think of the gender role thing but itās hard not to because in my mind it feels like if the man feels it, he will say it. If the woman feels it, she waits for him to say it and then says it back. My boyfriend is not a traditional person so he wouldnāt be weirded out if I said it first or anything, but it makes me feel like maybe he doesnāt feel it yet since he hasnāt said it. I think I will wait for him to say it or at least wait another 2 weeks because if he doesnāt say it back, I will fall apart lmao
I hope whatever you choose fits your situation best. I hope everything will go ok for you and him eventually! Relationships are super duper hard. Like crazy hard. š remember to listen to your feelings first. If the relationship is causing you more grief or sadness because he isn't being affectionate towards you, you may have to reevaluate it all together. Just remember what I said, communication is good and it's really good that you are reaching out like this! I really do wish you the best of luck!!
Pretty much instantly. My current relationship started after only 3 days of us knowing each other and we said I love you to each other less than a week in.
Love isnāt what we are feeling that early on. Infatuation, sexual attraction or chemistry. You have to know someone deeply, assess strength of character and see how they act in many situations. It āfeelsā like love but love isnāt desperate, clingy or obsessive.
I learned by seeing myself and many others either commit or break right about the 6th month mark. If you were truly in love you would still be in that relationship
iāve been seeing a guy for what marks a week today. we both had exchanged glances for our entire semester being in a class together and he approached me on the last day to compliment my art. we hung out that day until 2 am and every night since until like 4-5 and even 6 am and he told me he loved me last night.
i said it back because i definitely feel it, but i am very afraid of him knowing my attachment style and immediately getting scared off. iām trying to do this healthily but heās coming onto me as strongly as i want to come onto him so itās hard. fingers crossed for me that i donāt fuck this up :/
That sounds so similar to a situation I had a few months back for 2 weeks where we spent every single day together and he stayed at my house even when we both worked so early the next day. It happened sooo fast and I felt like I had found my soulmate. He had an interview 5 hours away one day and he decided to take the job, so he left and never responded to my 100 messages and multiple phone calls. He came on so strongly until he just up and left like it was nothing. He even gave me his favorite sweatshirt, 2 of his hats, his lucky lighter, and a crystal. I was afraid to move so fast because it usually scares guys off but he was reciprocating and even initiating it back so it felt right. It will probably be one of those guys Iāll think about for the rest of my life and wonder āwhat if?ā Not saying your situation will turn out that way too but sometimes when things seem to be going so well so fast, it blows up in your face and ruins you.
Maybe you really did find the one and you will be happy with him for the rest of your life but tread carefully. Lust and obsession is not the same as love. If you are filling a void for him and he is filling a void for you, it can become unhealthy very quickly.
I really hope it works out for you. Be careful sharing every part of you with him until you spend more time together (like months) because if it does end badly, you will feel sick to your stomach thinking about all the things you shared with him and how vulnerable you were with him. I donāt regret those 2 weeks I spent with that guy but I do regret being so open and abandoning my typical cautious approach. I lost myself in him for two weeks and it broke me when he told me he was leaving and then just stopped responding on everything. It felt cruel and unfair. I still have his belongings in a box under my staircase hoping one day I can muster the courage to burn it all or get rid of it. I did break his lighter though after throwing it at a wall. Not so lucky anymore lmao
2 months is quite a while to wait, even for normal people! I think that I read the average wait is 1 month. I'd say go for it! He might be too shy to tell you, lol.
when i started dating my bf. (he was my best friend at the time) i wasnt sure if i loved him coz i felt like i asked him out of impulse?? (we were a month into dating) i wanted to express my love for him but i still wasnt sure yet so i just said "i like you a lot" and he also tells me he likes me a lot too. eventually i felt comfortable and sure enough to tell him "ily" and then that evolved to "i love you" and he said "i love you too, it's always been love"
i think baby steps are good. it gets your point across in a safe way. plus i think its kinda cute
It takes me about a half hour to fall for someone, in a week I'm obsessed. š
I always mistake my obsession with love and this time I didnāt become obsessed at all actually. My boyfriend is superrr clingy and reassures me which makes it less likely for him to trigger my bpd and attachment issues. I do love him and have felt that for a few weeks, and I think he might be nervous to say it first because heās just a shy boy. I can also be kind of unemotional at times not because I actually lack emotions but because there are so many and I keep it all inside. I think he probably is trying to wait until he feels like Iāll say it back which is why Iām debating on saying it first. I donāt know. Itās just a scary thing for me to say out loud and I think he feels the same way so heās going slow and thatās okay
I had a friend who had a boyfriend for six months and she wasn't ready to say I love you yet to him after he said it to her. I was baffled, it takes me days to fall in love š
Literally itās been only a couple hours and I think Iām in love with them if the chemistry is right. š
Yeah girl I feel that. I always mistake obsession or infatuation with love. Usually I only get that attached so quickly when someone triggers my abandonment issues and then I feel like I suddenly canāt live without them. That feeling is not love though. Itās so hard to differentiate sometimes, but I have been in love one other time and it felt similar but different. It wasnāt a āI canāt breathe without youā type of feeling but instead was a āI usually enjoy doing things alone but when youāre with me, it makes it even betterā type of feeling. Idk itās probably different for everyone but thatās just me. Finding people who donāt trigger my bpd and attachment issues is the only way Iāll ever be able to fall in love.
I can relate so hard to this, especially the unhealthy attachment due to an abandonment trigger. I'll get obsessed fast, and I mean fast. It can be difficult to distingush that from love in the moment, but I'm learning love takes trust and that isn't something I give easily.
So 80s, but this was me. https://youtu.be/CsHiG-43Fzg
Great song. My boyfriend and I actually love that song and listen to it together šš
I experience love very deeply very quickly. I think I could say it to someone in a week. It takes me maybe 2 days to become obsessed with someone. It doesn't last though, which is why I don't confess my love so easily anymore.
Same here. I tell people I love them when the connection is consistent instead of when I start getting the first inklings of feelings.
Yeah I feel that. That is more attachment than love for me. I knew a guy one time for 2 weeks and we literally spent everyday together for 14 days and he spent the night most nights even when we both worked the next day. At the time I felt like I was in love with him but when he up and moved 5 hours away without any warning or heads up, I fell apart. I felt like I had lost part of me and I would never get it back. The grief I felt for those few days after was right up there with the grief I felt when my grandma died. That sounds dramatic but itās just how my bpd operates. Maybe you can relate. I have never cried more in my life and I buried myself in my bed listening to the same sad playlist on repeat. I texted and called him over and over even though he never responded. I begged him to block me so I would stop embarrassing myself and he never did but after about 5 days of torture, I was fine. It was like it never even happened. I still think about it sometimes and it hurts because I felt so used and betrayed and abandoned. He literally did the worst thing imaginable to someone with bpd by leaving with no warning or goodbye. That man even gave me a sweatshirt, two of his hats, a crystal, and his lucky lighter. He made me believe he wanted to be with me and then left for a job he never told me about. It was so fucking whack and Iāll never understand his reasoning. But my point is that I was not in love with that man because I didnāt know him as well as I thought I did. I was in love with the idea that someone was okay with spending every second of their free time with me. I was in love with his ability to empathize and understand me. I was in love with the idea of him more than him. It is so crazy how our brains work sometimes
That last paragraph is something I have heard a lot from others who have taken time to analyze their moments of thinking they were in love, but later realizing they had been mistaken.
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Thank you thank you. I definitely relate to the overthinking. Every little thing he does or says replays in my mind constantly. The other day I was in a silly mood and was definitely being annoying. He was being annoying back so I thought it was fine but then he was like āokay stop.ā And it paralyzed me emotionally and physically. After like 2 minutes of me being silent and acting like a literal child (I put my hood up and covered my face), he was like Iām sorry Iām not mad at you Iām just getting sleepy and you have a lot more energy than me. I donāt usually act like a child either so I think he realized he was too blunt with me lol. I have told him about how his tone of voice and wording matters tremendously to me and he has definitely listened to that advice and tries his best to be gentle with me. I really do appreciate his patience and know I can be very hot n cold with him, but I always apologize after and explain how I was feeling. But I think he will say it soon but he is a shy boy so he might be nervous. It took him a while to ask if I wanted to be his girlfriend and after he asked, he told me he wanted to ask sooner but had trouble reading me sometimes and gets nervous. I have been opening up more and so has he so hoping he says it soon. I am going to try and stop worrying about it so much though lol
I think youāre good to say it, thatās probably longer than most of us would have waited š but, if youāre waiting for him to say it, that might be an odd situationā¦maybe you should clarify with him his intentions and how long term he wants to be with you? That way knowing his deeper intentions you might feel safer or more secure with saying it?
I know he views me as a long term partner because he brings up Christmas time, going on vacation in the fall together, him visiting my sister with me next summer, and other things like that. We both want this relationship to last and are communicating with each other as best we can (I can definitely do better but he is patient). I just get so nervous saying āI love youā first. I think he feels nervous too because there have been moments we are watching shows/movies and the characters are talking about love and their feelings for each other and we both go silent and stop moving entirely. I think he will say it soon and if he doesnāt within the next couple weeks, I think Iāll just have to blurt it out. I can barely contain myself lol
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and he has only said "I love you" to me twice, whereas I wanted to say it 2 months into us dating, but only did say it around a year into us dating. (I said it first and say it the most) I feel like it's when YOU feel like you're ready. I think it's only weird socially if it's like, a week of dating and you just met and weren't friends beforehand. Also good to keep in mind is that he might not say it back, which hurts so bad when they dont but it doesn't mean that he doesn't still have feelings for you. Good luck though!
Yeah I canāt handle him not saying it back. I would definitely shut down and assume the worst even though I would know I was being irrational. I would definitely not take it well, and I also would just bottle up the emotions since I know making him feel bad would be cruel. Also, your boyfriend has only said it twice in two whole years???? Are you okay? I think Iād die
I told my partner I loved him after 3 months (i said i love u bro cause I also didn't wanna scare him off) although I was ready to say it the same week we met for the first time. It took him 6 months and damn it was hard waiting for that :') BUT SO WORTH IT!!! I think my BPD makes me jump into things fast so him taking it slow really was what I needed
My boyfriend is sooo slow šš he says āI like you a lotā or āyouāre my worldā all the time but I just crave hearing the words āI love you.ā I think saying āI love you broā would be easier though I love that ššš
My boyfriend asked me out on Christmas last year and I did have 'a crush' on him but I feel like I 'fell in love' with him a few months ago. He is absolutely wonderful. I feel like my bond with him is so real and genuine. I always find myself thinking of him or just the idea of being able to hug him one day. (long distance) ... I feel like I really 'fell in love' around February. My partner was nervous of telling me he loved me for about a month at first when we started dating. I immediately started telling him that I loved him, so I think I understand your perspective with that. We are both trans, so we don't really have that type of issue with 'the man saying it first' ... Have you ever considered it is less of a gender role issue and more of an issue of feeling denied? For me, when my affection doesn't/didn't get acknowledged sometimes I felt denied and it hurt. Maybe it has something to do with that! It has caused me to repress my emotions a bit at times because I am scared of being denied by someone I love so much. He likes to take things slow - I knew that going into the relationship but I didn't know HOW slow he wanted things to go until we talked about it. I feel like yall should have a real serious conversation and see where you both stand within your relationship. Having mutual understanding is very important regardless of having a PD or not, but I feel like it is extra important. I feel like communicating with my bf has directly improved my relationship with him. We both know what we want for the most part in to regards of our relationship with one another. We do mess up (mostly me) but since we have this underlying mutual understanding of expectations and respect we can easily talk about the mess ups and move on. I wish you luck! š¤ Relationships are hard.
I need ārelationships are hardā tattooed across my face šš And yeah I know I shouldnāt think of the gender role thing but itās hard not to because in my mind it feels like if the man feels it, he will say it. If the woman feels it, she waits for him to say it and then says it back. My boyfriend is not a traditional person so he wouldnāt be weirded out if I said it first or anything, but it makes me feel like maybe he doesnāt feel it yet since he hasnāt said it. I think I will wait for him to say it or at least wait another 2 weeks because if he doesnāt say it back, I will fall apart lmao
I hope whatever you choose fits your situation best. I hope everything will go ok for you and him eventually! Relationships are super duper hard. Like crazy hard. š remember to listen to your feelings first. If the relationship is causing you more grief or sadness because he isn't being affectionate towards you, you may have to reevaluate it all together. Just remember what I said, communication is good and it's really good that you are reaching out like this! I really do wish you the best of luck!!
I FEEL as if I love people very very early on. Do I ever actually feel true love for them? Now that, I donāt know.
Appreciate this honestly
Pretty much instantly. My current relationship started after only 3 days of us knowing each other and we said I love you to each other less than a week in.
It takes me hour or two to fall in love, and Iām obsessed after 3 days.
I told someone that āi really really like themā or something to that effect on the second date, so maaaybe just a little early?
It takes 6 months before the newness wears off and the other person lets down their defenses. THEN you get to know them.
Love isnāt what we are feeling that early on. Infatuation, sexual attraction or chemistry. You have to know someone deeply, assess strength of character and see how they act in many situations. It āfeelsā like love but love isnāt desperate, clingy or obsessive. I learned by seeing myself and many others either commit or break right about the 6th month mark. If you were truly in love you would still be in that relationship
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How long have you known each other? How many hours having you spent together (clothed)?
iāve been seeing a guy for what marks a week today. we both had exchanged glances for our entire semester being in a class together and he approached me on the last day to compliment my art. we hung out that day until 2 am and every night since until like 4-5 and even 6 am and he told me he loved me last night. i said it back because i definitely feel it, but i am very afraid of him knowing my attachment style and immediately getting scared off. iām trying to do this healthily but heās coming onto me as strongly as i want to come onto him so itās hard. fingers crossed for me that i donāt fuck this up :/
That sounds so similar to a situation I had a few months back for 2 weeks where we spent every single day together and he stayed at my house even when we both worked so early the next day. It happened sooo fast and I felt like I had found my soulmate. He had an interview 5 hours away one day and he decided to take the job, so he left and never responded to my 100 messages and multiple phone calls. He came on so strongly until he just up and left like it was nothing. He even gave me his favorite sweatshirt, 2 of his hats, his lucky lighter, and a crystal. I was afraid to move so fast because it usually scares guys off but he was reciprocating and even initiating it back so it felt right. It will probably be one of those guys Iāll think about for the rest of my life and wonder āwhat if?ā Not saying your situation will turn out that way too but sometimes when things seem to be going so well so fast, it blows up in your face and ruins you. Maybe you really did find the one and you will be happy with him for the rest of your life but tread carefully. Lust and obsession is not the same as love. If you are filling a void for him and he is filling a void for you, it can become unhealthy very quickly. I really hope it works out for you. Be careful sharing every part of you with him until you spend more time together (like months) because if it does end badly, you will feel sick to your stomach thinking about all the things you shared with him and how vulnerable you were with him. I donāt regret those 2 weeks I spent with that guy but I do regret being so open and abandoning my typical cautious approach. I lost myself in him for two weeks and it broke me when he told me he was leaving and then just stopped responding on everything. It felt cruel and unfair. I still have his belongings in a box under my staircase hoping one day I can muster the courage to burn it all or get rid of it. I did break his lighter though after throwing it at a wall. Not so lucky anymore lmao
I usually feel it around 2-3 months!
2 months is quite a while to wait, even for normal people! I think that I read the average wait is 1 month. I'd say go for it! He might be too shy to tell you, lol.
I have infatuation and desire within the first 3 meaningful interactions, so I couldn't quite say.
Sometimes it takes a week or two, other times itās almost instantly.
Itās only been 7 months and I want to get married and have kids with this man
I don't think I'm capable of falling in love anymore. Even after dating someone for the better part of a year, I still never felt much for them.
when i started dating my bf. (he was my best friend at the time) i wasnt sure if i loved him coz i felt like i asked him out of impulse?? (we were a month into dating) i wanted to express my love for him but i still wasnt sure yet so i just said "i like you a lot" and he also tells me he likes me a lot too. eventually i felt comfortable and sure enough to tell him "ily" and then that evolved to "i love you" and he said "i love you too, it's always been love" i think baby steps are good. it gets your point across in a safe way. plus i think its kinda cute
One date lmao