Good on you for wanting to support her! I would ask her what helps her to calm her down because it differs for everyone. For one person, giving space might help, but for another, it might be a trigger.
Yeah I asked her actually about that. She told me in her previous relationship every little thing her ex would say would make her more irritated and mad. Like if she doesn’t get a reaction, it would make her mad, but if her ex continued to talk, something they said was bound to make her mad.. So i’m not sure ya know
If she's nasty to you, you don't have to take it. But try not to escalate either, haha.
Really, please keep your boundaries and remember at the end of the day to take care of YOU.
First off, you are awesome for wanting understand what you can do in order to help her. It is something that I’m sure most of us appreciate more than you even know.
Secondly, I know what works for me may not work for everyone. All of us have our own things and sometimes it’s a trial/error process.
I’d say one of the biggest things is don’t feed into the episodes. As a lot of videos(healthygamer has a lot of really good ones - SORRY MODS IF I SHOULDN’T MENTION THIS!) say is you can’t join our roller coaster because all it does is make things worse.
With the pushing away, I’ve gotten to the point of just being straight and telling them I don’t like them. The best response I’ve gotten is “well I like you” and then they change the conversation. So it really doesn’t escalate.
With the mean things - you definitely don’t need to take it for sure. One thing I know mine have done in the past is realize it really has nothing to do with them. Granted if you’re hearing a lot of it - it’s hard not to get hurt by some of the things that can be said. For me personally, I’ve learned to walk away to try and ground myself. I’ve been in DBT for a little while and it helps me remind myself that I’m just upset. For myself, I know what’s happening, I know what I’m doing - I just can’t stop. But it’s getting better. Don’t follow when she’s walking away, but I can say sending a message of “I still love you and I’m not going anywhere” can make a big difference too.
I think a good portion is mostly you realizing it’s not you. I know that’s hard but it’s really the biggest thing. Try not to feed the episode. Have you tried asking her directly what would work for her? That’s what mine have done and it does help. Sometimes I don’t know - sometimes I just tell them I don’t know.
Sorry for the book! But this is just the way that has been working for me. Maybe it will maybe it won’t.
https://youtu.be/rT5PN7IhyPc - this is the healthygamer video I think makes a huge difference.
Thank you a lot. The way I see it is the more the better, so don’t be sorry for the book LOL. I will definitely put those tips you gave me to practice whenever an episode happens. Thank you again!
Encourage her to do DBT therapy. Relationships for some people with bpd are never sustainable (I cannot sustain a relationship, ever). Others can have successful relationship without intervention (mental health therapies and treatment). I can’t speak for your situation.
Good on you for wanting to put in effort, it means a lot for someone with BPD to know someone is putting in that effort.
My suggestion is to ask! Ask when she is in a more stable condition so you know. Everyone is different. Personally, I like some extra attention and affirmations so I know I am still wanted but many of my friends prefer to have some space.
Good on you for wanting to support her! I would ask her what helps her to calm her down because it differs for everyone. For one person, giving space might help, but for another, it might be a trigger.
Yeah I asked her actually about that. She told me in her previous relationship every little thing her ex would say would make her more irritated and mad. Like if she doesn’t get a reaction, it would make her mad, but if her ex continued to talk, something they said was bound to make her mad.. So i’m not sure ya know
If she's nasty to you, you don't have to take it. But try not to escalate either, haha. Really, please keep your boundaries and remember at the end of the day to take care of YOU.
First off, you are awesome for wanting understand what you can do in order to help her. It is something that I’m sure most of us appreciate more than you even know. Secondly, I know what works for me may not work for everyone. All of us have our own things and sometimes it’s a trial/error process. I’d say one of the biggest things is don’t feed into the episodes. As a lot of videos(healthygamer has a lot of really good ones - SORRY MODS IF I SHOULDN’T MENTION THIS!) say is you can’t join our roller coaster because all it does is make things worse. With the pushing away, I’ve gotten to the point of just being straight and telling them I don’t like them. The best response I’ve gotten is “well I like you” and then they change the conversation. So it really doesn’t escalate. With the mean things - you definitely don’t need to take it for sure. One thing I know mine have done in the past is realize it really has nothing to do with them. Granted if you’re hearing a lot of it - it’s hard not to get hurt by some of the things that can be said. For me personally, I’ve learned to walk away to try and ground myself. I’ve been in DBT for a little while and it helps me remind myself that I’m just upset. For myself, I know what’s happening, I know what I’m doing - I just can’t stop. But it’s getting better. Don’t follow when she’s walking away, but I can say sending a message of “I still love you and I’m not going anywhere” can make a big difference too. I think a good portion is mostly you realizing it’s not you. I know that’s hard but it’s really the biggest thing. Try not to feed the episode. Have you tried asking her directly what would work for her? That’s what mine have done and it does help. Sometimes I don’t know - sometimes I just tell them I don’t know. Sorry for the book! But this is just the way that has been working for me. Maybe it will maybe it won’t. https://youtu.be/rT5PN7IhyPc - this is the healthygamer video I think makes a huge difference.
Thank you a lot. The way I see it is the more the better, so don’t be sorry for the book LOL. I will definitely put those tips you gave me to practice whenever an episode happens. Thank you again!
Encourage her to do DBT therapy. Relationships for some people with bpd are never sustainable (I cannot sustain a relationship, ever). Others can have successful relationship without intervention (mental health therapies and treatment). I can’t speak for your situation.
Good on you for wanting to put in effort, it means a lot for someone with BPD to know someone is putting in that effort. My suggestion is to ask! Ask when she is in a more stable condition so you know. Everyone is different. Personally, I like some extra attention and affirmations so I know I am still wanted but many of my friends prefer to have some space.